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Source: Katie O – Meeting on the River (2022) – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: katie-o-meeting-on-the-river-2022-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:45:29
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That's what I'm talking about. Accountability for living the good life. That's what I'm talking about. Thank you. Welcome to the good life. Congratulations on a year. What a gift we've all been given. My name is Katie O. and I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank anybody that had anything to do with this happening this weekend. I'm also real clear that someone said a prayer and God said it's your turn. We are shoulder to shoulder here. There's no hierarchy in Alcoholics Anonymous. We do this deal together. And I really want to make that clear. We all are just used and God says, okay, it's your turn. I need you to do this and I need you to do this and I need you to do this. And you know what we say? Yes, absolutely, I'll do anything because I've been given a life beyond my wildest dreams. Let's start with the serenity prayer so we can get into here and now where God is. God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. One thing I will tell you, I love that I get to do this Friday because I am 35 years sober and I'm probably more in love with Alcoholics Anonymous than I've ever been. I am probably more in a seeking and learning place than I've ever been. And I feel like I hope that doesn't stop. So I believe God keeps using me and he keeps introducing me to you and so that I can keep learning. The reason I share that time with you, my sobriety time is this. It was about seven or eight years ago that I really started learning about general service. And I share that with you because not because my sponsor did it to not tell me or hurt me, she did the best she could and that is exactly how my journey was supposed to be. But I will tell you this, it is never too late to learn how we can be here to preserve Alcoholics Anonymous and how we can have our voice heard and how we can be active. And I've learned so much like being of service and being in service. And you know, one of the things Kent C. talks about, and I love this, and he says, you know, we are learning to shift our attitude from basically separation and judgment to empathy and service. And that's what I hope I continue to learn how to do.
Okay, so I have a sponsor, I have a home group, my home group is Berea Wednesday Women. We meet every Wednesday night where it's a Herod Club on 150th and Brook Park. And I love that meeting, it is not very close to where I live, but when I walk in there I am useful and I am of service. I feel like there are women there from one day or who are trying to get one day to women who have 38 years. And I love that, I love that. It has not always been my home group, but it is now. So today I want to share this with you. You know, my sponsee called me, one of my sponsees called me this morning and she said, hey, do you got a minute? I really want to run something by you. And she had a sponsee call her and they were going to do her fifth step today. And her sponsee said, you know, I'm feeling a little icky because, you know, I've been taking this medication and I don't know that I've been totally honest. And I thought, she goes, Katie, what do I do? I said, pause.
You have just been given one of the most beautiful gifts that we get here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that is you have been given the ability to keep your hand out and show another woman that she can begin again and where to start. And that there's a higher power that loves her, she doesn't get kicked out of AA, and you got to witness the light shine inside her, her higher power, that light that comes on when we have that clarity. You know that moment when we all realize, like, oh, wow, I don't have to lie anymore?
I remember the moment I walked into a store sober and I realized I didn't have to steal anymore. That's a real truth. That's a real truth. So I'll share with you, you know, I have, I'm married to a man in Alcoholics Anonymous, and we are recently becoming empty nesters. Our youngest daughter just turned 20, our middle one is 23, and our oldest is
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30. This year I became a grandma. And I'll tell you, thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous,
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you know, my daughter, let's see, Yara is, I want to say she's 8 or 9 months, but in November she was born. And when my daughter, when my daughter had her, she called me. They live in Portland, Oregon. She called me, she said, Mom, we can have one person in that delivery room and we want it to be you. Thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, how can I serve, right? My husband's got me by a year in this program. He likes to remind me of that frequently. And we have, we've been married, this year we'll be, have been married 24 years, and I share that because the 12 steps and the God of both of our understandings and the ability to not drink one day at a time has kept us married. Because I'll tell you, there were days I was ready to leave because my buttons were pushed. Hey, that's as honest as it gets, you know? And I'd call my sponsor, and you know what my sponsor would say? Well, it sounds like you're the issue. Oh, you're disturbed? That means it's you, right? But here's the thing, I had, if you, I want to, this is really important, and those of you who are under a year, and those of you maybe who've been here a long time and you feel disconnected, if you don't have a posse in Alcoholics Anonymous, you better get one. You better get one. You better have those rider dyes. And I'll tell you why. Because when I called up my bestie in Alcoholics Anonymous, I said, Amy, man, I'm ready. I'm, I can't, I'm leaving. Blah, blah, blah. And I had a list of what he did wrong. And you know what she said to me? She said, have you overturned every stone? I said, no. She said, then it sounds like you got work to do. And those are the people, they tell me the truth. And you know where she told me my solution was? In inventory. In Alcoholics Anonymous. In a connection with God. And so I say that because I don't want to forget to say how important it is to have those people that we surround ourselves with in Alcoholics Anonymous who are our truth tellers. And they love us unconditionally. You know? And they pick up the phone even when you're sober many years and you're hurting. Because maybe you fell asleep in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've done that. I hit an ugly, ugly bottom in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I got sober. I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was 16 years old. I told you I have three amazing adult children. I still call them my kids, but they are adults. I'm married. I have a sponsor who is amazing. When I call her and I ask her what to do, she says, sounds like you need more steps than God. But you know, she always brings me back to 12 steps and what is in me is disturbed. When I am disturbed, it is me. We remove the other person entirely. And that's the kind of sponsor I need to keep in my life. Because I don't know about you, I'm a master manipulator, drunk or sober. And so I have a sponsor and I have a home group and I'm active in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am involved in general service like I shared with you. You're going to hear that kind of part of my journey because it is a huge part of changing the quality of my life in the last 10 years. The last 7 years really truly has changed. And it's really put me in a place of, you know, how, here's the deal. I had a home group. It was the Golden Link group. And it was my home group and there were a lot of old timers there and I started watching my old timers die. I mean literally in front of my eyes. You know, these guys who would say things to me like, you know, are you in AA or is AA in you? Or these guys who would say, hey, my sponsor said, is these the 12 steps we took? You better took them. That's Charlie. He was, oh, I just adored that man. But these, and they did not, you know, and I'd say, well, you know, you didn't know? Well, I don't remember asking you for help. Right? But I was watching them die.
And I realized, and one of my friends, Christine, she said, we've been handed the baton. What are we going to do with it? And so these old timers have passed away and Alcoholics Anonymous has, you know what I learned? Oh my God, we have 36 principles. Now some of you might be like, of course we do. And the others that don't know, Bill's got some awesome CDs that will help you learn about them. Because that's how I'm learning about them. But I started realizing that we have a voice in Alcoholics Anonymous. But if we don't have
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a GSR in our home group, how does our voice get heard? Or if we're not going to attend these meetings, how does our voice get heard? Well, I didn't know any of that. And so I got a service sponsor. And I'm sharing these things with you because I want to share with you that even if you're sober a long time and you don't know, that's okay. You can learn. Because we now have a response. Once you have that information, you have a responsibility.
I have a responsibility to carry that message in Alcoholics Anonymous and to pass that on to my girls and to teach them. Because they're going to teach their girls. So I hope I stay seeking and I hope I keep learning. There's a lot I have to learn. Twelve concepts, if you say, well what's that? I did two. I did two. And they are, man, they're a tough one. But I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to learn. Anyway, so I'll share this with you. I grew up in a house that my mom did the best she could. She raised four girls. She did not have a college education. And she did the best she could. She took a job at a university so that she could give her kids an education. Because guess what? She didn't have an education to give. She didn't make any money, right? I was the youngest of four. My sisters all attended that college. I did not as a direct result of my drinking because I'm hard-headed.
My dad used to call me a cement head. And he was not wrong. I didn't know how to tell the truth. And I will tell you, I was that kid at a young age that really, truly felt like I did not fit anywhere. And I'm telling you, I've heard people say it from this podium, my first higher power was your opinion of me and your approval. One hundred percent. I could not operate. I would change everything I did at every second, every story, if that was going to change what you thought of me and how you were going to like me and how I was going to fit in. Drinking was not something that was abnormal to me. My dad, by the time I was born, my dad was a full-blown alcoholic. He, he, I can say that because he made it to the rooms of Alcox-Anonymous. And he was an amazing example to me of how we can change the footprint that we leave on this earth through 12 steps. An amazing example. But I also, when I started drinking, said I'm never going to be a drunk like that guy. And I became a drunk just like him. My dad bought a bar on the west side so no one could kick him out at 2.30. See, we laugh because we understand that. I didn't understand what that, I mean, I was so young. I started drinking at the age of 11. I didn't drink alcohol.
This is what I will say to you. Some people say, oh, you know, I did this, this. I don't know how it is for everybody. For me, it was instant trouble. I had instant trouble. Okay? I didn't drink every day out of the gate. But I'm going to tell you what this felt like and I'm going to guess that some of you are going to relate to this. By the time I picked up a drink, I had already spent many, many hours, weeks, months in social workers and my mom did not know what to do with me and I hadn't even picked up a drink yet. You know, social workers and psychiatrists and all that stuff. And I picked up that drink and I'm going to tell you, you know how you feel, you know how you look at a glass and there's all those kind of cracks and crevices in between the ice cubes, right? And you pour it in and it fills it up. It makes it whole. That's how I felt when I drank. It made me whole. It filled all those cracks and crevices that I felt so uncomfortable in. And I loved the effect produced by alcohol. I didn't drink out, I didn't drink every day out of the gate.
That wasn't my story. But I did whenever I could and that's how that started. I lied out of the gate, I stole out of the gate and I had no regard for other people's feelings out of the gate. I was not somebody that naturally had compassion or empathy for anybody unless I was going to get caught. You know, my drinking progressed like this. My drinking lasted five years. And for some people they might say, my God, you're so lucky. You only drank for five years, that's so lucky. Well, ask my mom if five years is a long time. And ask me if I felt lucky when I woke up on a lockdown unit. I didn't feel so lucky. I started drinking and it was whenever I could get it at the beginning, you know, and then when I hit, and I loved, I mean, I would drink until, I mean, I threw up, whatever, it didn't matter.
And then I hit middle school and I became that weekend warrior. I didn't know that's what it was. I learned that when I got here, but I would plan all. I learned that when I got here, but I would plan all weekend.
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I'd steal, I'd lie, I'd do whatever I had to do to have something to drink for the weekends. Okay, I'm going to date myself here. We would sit outside Lawson's. Okay, for now it might be CVS. But we'd sit outside Lawson's and we'd pull our money together and pay some ridiculous amount of money for someone to get us alcohol, right? We did that. And for some people, that's something they do, they had fun and they grew out of it.
That's true. The problem is I have a switch in my head. And I put that stuff in and all bets are off. I will steal from you, I will break into your house, I will lie to you, I don't care. And out of four of my sisters, my switch got switched. And I didn't know anything about phenomenon of craving or mental obsession. It talks about that in the book. And we learn about that in the doctor's opinion when we come here.
But I don't know what that is. I'm having fun. And when I drink, I don't feel so awkward. And I don't feel like I don't fit in. And I feel like I'm okay. And so I'm going to keep doing it. I loved everything that went with drinking. I loved being in places I shouldn't be in. I loved doing things I shouldn't do. I loved having things I wasn't supposed to have. I loved it all. And so when I became that weekend warrior, it was I would figure out where to steal from, who to lie to, to get my alcohol.
And I connected up with people that, you know, I connected up with people that drank like I did. And I'll tell you, I grew up in the South Eagle Lindhurst area. And I found my people I drank with in the Mayfield area because I was a little O'Toole. Everybody knew me as little O'Toole because all my sisters were super great people. They were on the front of the newspaper for saving someone's life. That's real.
They were, you know, my sister's, you know, sports stars. They did all that stuff. I wanted to be like that. And I really did. I had a switch. And I'm going to tell you about that switch, which I think you're going to relate to, is this. When I would lock in on that thought of what I was going to go get, you can bet your sweet patootie everything was going to be moved between me and what I locked in on.
Once I locked in on that drink, I was going to remove anything that was going to be in between there. And I'd do whatever I had to do. And I was very, obviously we were emotionally driven, right? Because we are, that mental obsession kicks in. So it was every weekend I would end up in places I shouldn't be in. I always, I mean, literally. My mom would come upstairs, she'd find me passed out in bed puking my hair.
You know, just always trouble, always trouble. I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to my mother. The woman who would have done anything in the world for me. The woman who sacrificed everything for me to have a roof over my head. To try to do good by me. She just wanted her little girl to be okay. What did I do? I read that. I can read that stuff. I don't know about you, I'm a master manipulator.
I come in and I read that and I get this close to her face and I scream at her until I can break her so that I can go in her purse, get money, and go drink. That's what I do. And then the next day I come back and I cozy up to her so I can get my hand in her purse to get money to go drink. You know what I'm saying? I mean, when I was 14 I got a job. I couldn't last that long though. They didn't pay me fast enough.
I had to take what I wanted. Obviously I did not stay employed at Little Caesar's Pizza. And the one night my friends were like, let's go drinking, and I was like, oh yeah, I just left work. I just left. No regard. And we laugh about that here today, but think about the thought process that had to happen for me to make that decision to leave. The thought process, the lies I had to tell myself, the rationalization I had to tell myself because I locked in on a drink.
I don't know that's mental obsession. I don't know that's physical. I don't know any of that. By the time I hit my freshman year of high school, I got on a toboggan shoot that was on a slippery, slippery slope. There were other things that went along with my drinking, and I'm just going to tell you they got me down that slope a little faster. But I loved drinking. Drinking was my thing.
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At this point, what's happening now is I am, everything's starting to fall down around me. Now my dad got sober in 1984, and I got sober in 1987. And when my dad got sober, he knew exactly what was wrong with me because we know each other, right? And he went to his sponsor and he said, what do I do? And he said, Pete, you've got to let the clown finish its act. You can't save her. And there were a lot of people on the west side of Cleveland that prayed for this drunk to get into Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know, he would always say, someone said a prayer and I got AA. I don't know who said the prayer, but I got AA. So at the end of my drinking, this is kind of what it's like for me. I have no regard for anybody. Remember I told you about being like my dad? So I remember it was a Sunday afternoon, I stole a bottle of J&B from my sister's house because I had no regard for my sister and I would just go to her house when she wasn't home and steal alcohol and money and whatever I wanted because, you know, I'm selfish and self-centered to the core.
And I steal this bottle of J&B, I go to my best drinking buddy's house, it's Sunday afternoon, we're drinking this bottle of J&B, we're chasing it down with a two liter of Pepsi, and we're saying we're never going to be drunks like our dads. Right? I don't know, something was on TV, I have no idea what it was. And we got so drunk. But let me paint this picture. So when I was little and my mom and dad split up when I was two, and my dad was already over on the west side, he was married and had another family.
But my dad, you know, I believe my dad loved us the best he could as a practicing alcoholic. And I remember he was supposed to come pick me up on Sundays, and I'd sit on the couch and I'd wait for him, have my little bag packed. You know, I'm little. And I'd get up, I can literally picture like I said, my mom still lives in the house we grew up in, and I'd get and I'd look out the window, and see if his green van was coming down the street, and then I'd sit and I'd wait, and I'd get up and look and I'd wait, and time would pass and time would pass.
What I didn't know was I didn't understand alcoholism. I didn't know that he had already picked up a drink on the other side of town and was never going to show up. I didn't know that. I didn't understand alcoholism. Fast forward, I'm 15 years old, and my mom would sit in bed at night and wait for me to come home, and wait for me to come home, and wait for me. What she didn't know was I already took a drink.
I'm no longer going to show up at the time I said I was. I became just like my dad, and we were very different drinkers. But this disease doesn't discriminate. So, you know, towards the end of my drinking, here's how it's going. My mom clearly knows there's something wrong. My dad's got AA praying for me all over the west side of Cleveland, and I am a mess. I am physically hurting myself. You know, every way that my alcoholism can manifest, it's doing it.
I'm failing everything at school. I've taken advantage of everyone. And believe me, people wanted to give me chances. Like I had an assistant principal at Brush High School. You could have lined up probably across here how many chances those guys gave me. And I took every single one of them and ran. I had no regard. I took what I wanted and I left. And so what happens is that I keep taking and I keep taking and I keep taking because I'm a taker and I'm selfish.
And my disease keeps just getting, my alcoholism just keeps ramping and ramping. Now I'm at a point where I'm calling my friends saying I'm going to kill myself and hang up, drinking by myself. They'd get out of the car. They'd be like, where's Katie? I'm still in the backseat of the car drinking. Alcohol's become the most important thing to me. And I would lay in bed at night in a fetal position and just cry and want to be anybody else but me.
Anybody. Because I didn't understand how I got here. It was that my parents were divorced because it was all these other reasons. Nobody liked me. I was a terrible person. I'm ugly. You know what I'm saying? With the words we say to ourselves because we don't understand that we have a disease that is just eating us from the inside out. And certainly we don't understand anything about a spiritual malady.
I was sure God already was done with me. Believe that. My sister used to say, God's going to strike you dead if you're lying. And I literally would sit there like, oh, crap. You know? So here's how I ended up.
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Here's how this ended up. Because I really want to talk about my journey in Alcoholics Nondescript because to me it's such an amazing, beautiful journey that's had some really tough learning experiences. But I also think I heard a woman speak at the 12-Step Weekend, and she said, you know, these 12 steps, yeah, they get us here, they get us sober, but today they're for me. They're so that when I'm vibrating, because we are, we do, when I'm vibrating it tells me the solution to get me back in this moment where God is.
It helps me get me back in my lane. It helps me clear what's around me so that I can be centered here where you are, where God is, right? Those 12 steps, man, they just keep working and working and working. So when people come and they say, those don't work for me, and I'd say, okay, let's talk about that. You know? Thank God that it says things in the big book like all we have to do is be willing to believe.
Thank God. Anyway, this is the picture. So end of my drinking. I'm drinking all the time. My mom is, the one night she was going to stop me from going out. This is one of those moments I never want to forget. She was going to stop me from going out drinking. I had already locked in, so that's, you know, I'm going to remove, whatever. And I remember she tried to stop me, and I took and I threw her across the living room.
And I never want to forget that the one person who would have done anything in the world for me, who still to this day would go to the ends of the earth for me, and I cannot, you know, I don't know how to love her because I have zero ability to love because I am so in self. And Kent C. talks about that. I'm a little bit of a Kent C. junkie. But he talks about that. He says sometimes I'm so full of self I can't see you.
And so I threw her across the room, and I remember the look in her eyes. I remember the look in her eyes. So I remember sitting in this house. I used to go down to Collinwood all the time and drink because my friend whose dad would say, hey, you guys can hang here for the weekend. Just, you know, as long as you don't leave, I'll buy you cigarettes and alcohol. Okay, who's leaving? Nobody. Not me. So I remember sitting there, and this is it.
I remember sitting there in this overstuffed chair. I've got this green jacket on. I've got my arm wrapped around a two-liter bottle of Sun Country wine cooler that I was not sharing. I've got a cigarette in my hand. I'm 15 years old, and I think I've arrived. Think about that for one second. I think this is it, man. I have arrived. What were other kids doing? Probably prepping to go to college. I don't know.
Going to school. I don't ever want to forget that. I don't ever want to forget that. So my sister, who I really, let me tell you, her and I, I'm sober 35 years, and her and I have just in the last few years really got a bridge together, because I did so much damage to her. I did a lot, a lot of damage into my sobriety. Because when you don't work 12 steps, everybody around you is affected. When you work 12 steps, everybody around you is affected.
And I can be just as useless, dishonest, and hurtful sober. She told me, she said, hey, Katie, why don't you come hang out at my house? She's trying to get me away from my mom so my mom could have maybe some breathing room, because I'm a mess. I'm crazy. I come home drunk. I throw up all over the place. You know, I'm not a nice person to be around. And having had three kids, I can't even imagine how my mom felt.
Anyway, she says, come over. How about I'm going to let you, you know, you can help me. You can take, she had just had a baby. And she said, hey, I'll pay you a little money. You can help me babysit Nick, you know, whatever. And what my sister didn't understand was alcoholism either. And so she said, hey, take the night feeding. I was like, all right, that's cool. But she gave me money. Once you give me money, I'm no longer going to show up for that night feeding that I told you I was going to help you with, because I'm going drinking.
Because if I have money, I have friends, and I have alcohol. You know what I'm saying? And so it will win every time when I am not sober and spiritually connected and spiritually awake. It will win every time. So I do that. I come home. Instead of taking the night feeding, I come home. I puke all over her floor. I pass out. And the next day she'll call my dad, and they'll come over, and we're going to have – We'll call my dad and they'll come over and we're going to have, this would be the talk about my drinking.
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It wouldn't be much longer after that I would end up in a lockdown unit at St. Luke's, adolescent unit. When I went to St. Luke's, I took my last drink the night before I went to St. Luke's. I didn't know it would be my last drink. I had Bon Jovi tickets, man. I was serious. Yeah, that was one of my resentments. I was also in treatment for St. Patrick's Day, another resentment, and I woke up on my 16th birthday in treatment.
You know, I have a daughter who's 23 and on her 16th birthday I said to her, what do you want for your birthday? I want to do something special. You know what she said to me? She said, I want a venti frappuccino with extra whipped cream. That's what my daughter wanted. Thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. Because you know what I wanted? I wanted out of a lockdown unit. I woke up on a lockdown unit for alcoholism, you know.
You guys have helped me to teach my kids 12 steps and they don't even know it. They don't even know it. They're good people. You've helped me do that. I got kicked out of two treatment centers because I'm a cement head. And I will tell you, there was a time period, a very brief time period between St. Luke's. And by the way, my mom and my sister came in for family week to St. Luke's. And I want to say this, this is really important because this was an aha moment for me.
They told me how I affected them. I don't know about you, I was pretty clueless. And they told me and they cried and they screamed at me. And that was an aha moment of how my alcoholism was affecting others around me. When I left there, my mom said, you do what these people say or you can't come home. You know. She found Al-Anon. Thank God. Seriously. Now, I didn't work 12 steps in treatment and that's really important for me to tell you because I left treatment the same person I was.
I just was sober. But I didn't change anything, I didn't do any inventories, I didn't do none of that. So what happens? The first thing I do when I get out of treatment, I steal a pack of cigarettes. Because I don't, I've done nothing to change my behavior, nothing, right? But then, here's the deal, here's where God is amazing. And this God that loved me beyond my comprehension. So that, it was a Monday.
And you know, when I left, before I went into treatment, there was a social worker and she said, I went to her to try to get out of all these jackpots. And she was smarter than I was and she said, I want you to go to Alateen, I want you to sign a no-use contract for 30 days and I want you to take a who me. I passed the who me with flying colors. I didn't want to sign the contract but she said, if you don't have a problem, why can't you sign it?
Challenge a drunk, right? And Alateen would be, you know, as somebody called it, the back door to Alcoholics Anonymous for me. But anyway, so that Monday I got out of treatment, I signed another contract. And this is what they told me, right? They told me some important things. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, drive people dry places, nothing, you can't hang out in your old world, can't, right? Okay, cool.
But the value of my signature hadn't changed because I didn't keep the first contract when I signed it in there because I'm a teenager and I'm too young and I could do whatever I want. And so I, yeah, so basically it was a Monday, I got, I called my drinking buddies, we went to this girl's house and I'm sharing this with you because this was that moment that I don't know what happens for everybody but for me, this is what happened.
I'm in this girl's house, they're doing what we do and I just thought maybe there was this tiny piece that said, maybe, just maybe, you don't have to be this person. Maybe there's hope. I mean, I'm talking tiny. And I went in the bathroom at this stranger's house, I got on my knees and I said this serenity prayer, it was the only prayer you guys taught me when I was in treatment. And that night I went to Lynn Hurst Monday and I found my sponsor.
And I'm going to tell you something. Door number one, door number two, door number three, jails, institutions, or death, pick your poison, we got this. And every time I say it, it almost brings me to tears. We got this. I can trade that in for an obituary any day. But we got this. Are you kidding? Like, how grateful, you know? How can I serve? How can I serve?
[00:35:02]
It has been an amazing journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, if I'm telling you, like my sponsor started me on my steps and I remember doing step three in the back of Sister Ignatia and it was the first time I kind of felt, I didn't feel any earth, but I felt a part of something. I took my fourth step with her, I did it to the best of my ability, don't burn it, you're going to need it in eight. I didn't know that either.
It's okay, we learn, right? We learn. That sponsor decided at 18 months, I was, I started to veer away, I met him. You know, every good story starts with I met a man or a woman, but she decided she was going to go dance, she was sober, and she was going to go dance in clubs, strip, this was, and I said, I can't, that can't be my sponsor. And you know, pray for her, because I'll tell you what, she stayed sober for probably 20 years doing that, and now she can't get back.
And she was sober a really long time. Anyway, met a man, made him my higher power. Stopped doing everything you guys told me to do. Stopped going to meetings, stopped working the steps, stopped praying, stopped, I became the same person I was drinking, I just wasn't drinking. And the best thing that came from that relationship was I had an amazing child, Brittany, the light in my darkness. And I had her, she's now 30, and you guys, once again, you carried me, amazing, carried me.
That was a crazy, you know, I'm going to tell you something. When you become dry, and you stop working 12 steps, and you get away from Alcoholics Anonymous, it's crazy what happens. You know how you hear stories, and people say, oh my God, I went to jail, and it got me to Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I stopped doing everything you guys told me to do, and that includes paying my car insurance and my tickets.
We laugh, but wait, I'm sitting in a jail in an orange suit on a weekend, how'd I get here? Holding my big book, how'd I get here? The judge doesn't care if you're sober, if you don't follow the rules. I just want to say I've never had that problem since then. I laugh, I laugh about it, but truly, that was a very, very low point. That book tells us there will be trials in low spots. It was a very low point in my sobriety.
So what did I do? Well, here's this God, this advanced grace this God gave me, and basically, and I'm talking, I did things that I've made my restitution for. I did some really ugly things, and I've inventoried them, and I've cleared that wreckage. But I'm going to tell you something, I started at step one, and I got a new sponsor, and I made my Sunday night meeting my home group, and it wasn't because it was the best meeting, it was because I had a kid, and I had somebody to watch my kid.
You know what you guys do? You guys brought meetings to me, and you put food on my doorstep, and you did all of these things, and you carried me once again. How can I serve? I will tell you that Bill W., I heard this, any of you that were at Founders Day, this was my big takeaway, and the Saturday night speaker said this, and I will continue to carry it, and it was this. Bill W.'s quote, service is love with legs.
Service is love with legs. And I heard that, and I was like, man, I just got to keep my feet moving. I got married at Alcoholics Anonymous. That man that we parted ways, God bless him, I pray for him, I'm grateful I don't have to have that contact, and that's okay. I'm going to take this and release. You guys taught me how to be a parent. You guys taught me how to be a daughter. You taught me how to begin again every day.
I sponsor a lot of women who keep me, they keep me in the middle of the bed. You know, I'm in the auto industry, so I'm going to share this, because this is something that I'm a visual person. So, you know, all these new cars have technology, right, blind spot, lane assist, adaptive cruise control, they stop you, you know, that's my higher power, that's you guys, that's the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's my sponsor, my safety features in Alcoholics Anonymous, that's what you guys are, truly, truly, you know.
[00:40:04]
The power of we is an amazing thing. And I'll tell you, the definition of we in a children's dictionary is a group of people including me. Thank God Alcoholics Anonymous is a group of people including me. Thank God. So I am going to tell you, I have a couple spiritual practices, I'm going to close with just a couple stories. So my dad, that man, that amazing man, he got sober, I got sober, we became close.
He worked 12 steps, I watched him change the footprint he left on the world, he got sick, and I didn't know how to bury my dad in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went over to his house the next day and I sat on his couch and I sobbed. And he said, Katie Ann, you cannot be scared and trust God at the same time. And I took that, and it allowed me to be present for him. Now here's the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous, is that he gave me that, and it allowed me, and then I pass it on to someone else, and then they pass it on to someone else.
And that's the magic. I have a responsibility to keep my hand out in Alcoholics Anonymous regardless of how I feel. I don't know about you, COVID taught me a lot of things, taught a lot of us a lot of things. But one of the biggest things it taught me is that we don't bring outside issues into Alcoholics Anonymous. My job is to keep the hand of AA out regardless of how I feel, of what's going on in the outside world.
I do not have a political preference in Alcoholics Anonymous, I do not, I don't care. I don't care. I'm not going to say, oh wait, here's a woman in the gutter, wait, who do you vote for? I'm not, seriously? Won't do it. So I keep all outside issues out, it's not, it's not, my job is to keep the hand out, my job is to be of service, and my job is to help another woman in Alcoholics Anonymous, or man, doesn't matter.
My husband and I are growing through a lot. But anyway, so my dad passed away, and that was a very challenging thing, you guys carried me again. So I want to close with, what I really want to close with is talking about God, because this is where my strength and service comes in Alcoholics Anonymous. My higher power, my relationship with my higher power has evolved. My husband read this thing the other day and I loved it.
And it said, there's a lot of growing up between it fell and I dropped it. I'm just saying. So for me, it was always it fell. And then you guys taught me how to own my stuff and say I dropped it. But there was a lot of growing up in between there. And a lot of inventories. And I'm still learning. So my spiritual practice, my God has, it's become super, like as I told you, I'm in a seeking place. And I have a practice I do every morning.
And before my feet touch the ground every morning, I say good morning, God, and I choose joy. Before my feet touch the ground, I say my prayers, I ask God to teach me, help me to learn to love how he loves, and teach me humility, that all things come from him. I'm only a servant. And I do my prayer and I do my meditation and I ask how, show me what you'll have me be. We all have this, we all have this candle inside of us.
We have this candle, right? So what happens is I come here and you take your candle and you light my candle by helping me, by being of service, by reaching out, by taking me through the 12 steps. You light my candle. And then I reach out to my girl I sponsor and I light her candle. And I show up at an assembly meeting and I help somebody understand general service and I light a candle. And then she goes back to her home group and she shares that and she lights up the whole group's candle.
Our responsibility is to continue to light each other's candles because here's the deal and visualize this one. We light everybody's candle and we get so flipping bright that we are a beacon for that drunk who needs to find Alcoholics Anonymous. It is our job, it is our responsibility. And you know what? I will gladly do it for the life I've been given. I hope. I hope that you are able to light someone's candle and continue to keep Alcoholics Anonymous bright by being responsible and keeping the hand out
[00:45:02]
and loving each other regardless, regardless of all the outside stuff. Thank you for having me tonight. I am so grateful. Thank you, Bill. And do we close with the… How do we do that? Thank you.