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Source: Judy N – Kentucky State Convention (2022) – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: judy-n-kentucky-state-convention-2022-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:37:12
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I still have a drinking problem so bear with me. Oh, there's one up here too. Oh, but now I don't know what to say. I can do whatever I want to do. He told me I could sing. Hi everybody, I'm Judy. I am an alcoholic. And by God's grace, I don't know what all they said. I couldn't read it anyway. I don't have glasses. And a wonderful sponsorship and because of you people, you've shown me the way. I've been sober since March the 3rd of 1992. Thank you. I know. I'm amazed too. I'm telling you when they called me and asked me to speak, I don't know if I said yes right away because I was shocked. I mean, I was humbled. I mean, they would give you free drinks to get me out of the bar. I mean, nobody wanted me around. You know, this infectious personality was nasty. And to be able to come here and speak in front of you all for this conference, thank you. I am humbled and I'm grateful. And I am grateful for the life I live today because you gave that to me. The design for living, that's what you showed me. And I am truly grateful. I don't know I was going to try to keep it clean because I'm nasty and I'm too old to be nasty. So I'm taking the handcuffs story out, Bob. You know, those furry ones, they're gone. I don't know. I came out of the shoot. I got 75 minutes, he told me, so I'm going to start when I was born. You guys are in trouble. No, I'm kidding. When I was born, I was just, I don't know, when I was a kid, I didn't know what it was, but I was full of self-centered fear. I couldn't live life on life's terms. And thank God, the big book talked about the malady. And you know, when I read that, I thought, oh my gosh, you know, because I could not live life. I couldn't do it. I was just like a misfit. I couldn't stay in school. I laid mattresses and threw them at you. I took squirt guns and I got you all wet. I did all kinds of crazy things. And today, if that would be me, I'd be drugged. And thank God that they didn't have them back then because that's what I look like. Sometimes I still look that way. My cousin told me yesterday, you are crazy. And my son reminds me of that all the time. You are crazy. But it's a different crazy today, you know, because I do know how to live. It is a different crazy. And it's okay. But I don't know. I started drinking at 12 years old and that's what I did. That's all I did. I didn't get an education. I wasn't a cheerleader. I beat them up. I did. I had a leather jacket on and high top Converse and I smoked a cigarette out on the corner and I flicked them at you. And I dared you to look at me the wrong way. And that's fear. I was full of fear. And I didn't know it.
I thought it was a bad thing. I don't know if I'm allowed to cuss. I'm going to try not to. If you tell me, know I'm going to do it. So thank God they didn't tell me. Some things don't change. But I'd go to school and I'd walk out because I had to drink. I didn't know I had to drink, but I had to drink. What went on in my head was too painful. I couldn't handle it. It was horrible in my head. And I would drink and that's what I did. And you know what comes with drinking. And that happened a lot too. So by 14 I was pregnant. I was pregnant. I had a baby, a husband. I gave that baby away. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God his life was saved at that age. I don't know that he would have made it. I don't.
I have no clue. And I divorced that man and I still couldn't drive a car. I'm like I can't even drive yet. And that's how I lived. That's how I lived. When we read the story about Dr. Bob and he talks about he did whatever. I can't word it. It's my made up version. I didn't think about anybody but myself. It entered my mind and I thought it was a great idea because I'm so wonderful. That it's going to work. And it never did. And you would think I'd learn that but I didn't. So I heard a lot of people. And my mom and dad, oh my gosh.
You know what those people went through was just awful. I would go to school like I said I'd get suspended and I'd go home and I'd be like what is wrong with you? But I can't stay there. I can't think about it because I can't stand that looking at who I am. And I'd go back thinking oh it's going to be better this time and I'd go right back to school and I'd stand in front of the school and I'd light a cigarette, you know. And it's so funny. I've always said that. Michelle talked and she was talking about putting her
[00:05:02]
toe over that threshold. My sponsor went because I've been defiant all my life. If you tell me no I'm going to do it. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. And that got me in a lot of trouble. It did. And you know here comes the principal. He grabs me up and I'm suspended again. You know people in my neighborhood, everybody talks about how the neighbors, oh they all talked back in the day. Well mine must not have on my neighborhood because they asked me to babysit. Yeah. It went just like that. Whatever's in your head that's what happened.
It did. But the thing is the next one would ask me to babysit. And even me at that age I'm like what's wrong with these people, you know? And I'd go babysit all right and I'd get them, oh and my mom and dad, the church we all went to, First Baptist Church down on York Street and my preacher asked me to babysit. Yeah it was ugly. I took a girl with me that loved to steal and I liked to drink and do other things, yeah. So we got the preacher's children in bed and then all the guys come in and man we're partying down, you know?
And they come home and I'm like I don't know where the kids are. I guess they're in bed. I'm in your bed. I mean it was ugly, you know? And we go back to church. And I never one time thought about my mom and my dad. Not one time that they had to face these people and their daughter. And my mom and dad had no clue what was wrong with me. I didn't either. I didn't know what was wrong with me either, you know? And I went on that path for a long time. My dad's pulled me out of nightclubs, downstairs club, yeah where's Jimmy? I think I was 15, 16 and I'm doing NDA, you know? I can't see. I can't walk. And I look up and I think, I think that's my dad. I didn't say it that clear. I came out like, oh. And it was. And he grabbed me up and took me out of there and I went home and I was so upset, you know, not because of what I did to my parents, because of him. He had a Corvette.
I mean, come on, a Corvette. And if I'm gone, he's going to get somebody else. I mean, no doubt I'm gone. You know, especially if he's got a deal, because I'm sure, I was underage and he wasn't. And I smacked my mother, you know, and I got her in a headlock. And, you know, that's the kind of daughter I was. It really was. And I don't know, alcohol was my master. It called the shots, you know? And there were many, many times that I thought, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And I couldn't. You know, I had to drink.
And people all through my life have tried to help me. There was a guy over in Newport. He was a, whatever they call him. And he was trying to teach me to be a phlebotomist. And I can't. You know, I'm drinking all night, you know? And I get over there and I'm trying to, he's trying to show me how to do all this stuff. And back then they had pipettes and you'd suck them up and you'd do these differential counts. And I'm so hungover and I'm sucking it up in my mouth. Thank God it wasn't in my nose. That's where the straw usually went.
And I was like, my gosh. So I couldn't do that, you know? And there was many people that tried to help me, you know? Get me back in school. I tried to go back to school. And my arrogance, you know, I'm like, I'm too old and mature for these people, you know? I got it going on and they don't. And that was my attitude my whole life. And I missed out on a lot of stuff. A lot of education, a lot of fun, because I couldn't do it. I was paralyzed with fear. You know, you're having fun and I don't want to look stupid.
But I looked stupid sitting there like, you know? But I couldn't. I don't know. I don't know. It was crazy. I met this guy and he was a neat guy. I mean, he was gorgeous. Just that was my first attraction. I don't care if you're an ax murderer. I don't care. As long as you look good. I didn't care. But he wasn't, thank God. He was a drunk, you know? And I can say that because he's dead today, you know? And when I met him, he had these plans and designs and he couldn't do it because of alcoholism. He was just like me. And he gave me two beautiful sons. Well, three. I forgot about Andrew. I always call Christian Andrew. I always get my kids mixed up. But, you know, he suffered from that.
And we partied and we partied crazy. The house was nuts. I got two beautiful boys and I can't be a mother. You know, I wanted to be a mother. I gave that baby up and I wanted to be a mother, you know? And alcoholism is saying, no, you're not. And I would try to keep babysitters
[00:10:00]
and nobody wants to babysit for me. You know why? I don't come home. You know, I don't come home. I think I'm going to go to work and I'm going to make a living and come home and be a mother and do what mothers do. See, I still don't know what they do. And I take that drink after we get done working or before we get done working. I'm drinking. And I don't end up home, you know? And there's either my, some guy, I'm not going to say boyfriend.
I never dated. But I called it that. It's really prostitution. But, you know, they would call the house and they'd say, hey, you know, you stay. And they wanted to go home. You know, they're not like me. They've got a home. They want to go home and be a part of their lives. They don't want to raise my children. They don't want to clean up my house. They don't want to be there. And I'm so self-centered, I don't care about anybody but myself because of alcoholism. You know, and these character defects that I have that I didn't know I had.
You know, so I got the bright idea because, you know, I couldn't keep a babysitter. And I drive her home drunk. If I did make it home, I would be like, you know, I'm going to take her home. I couldn't understand why she was upset. You know, I think I'm Mario Andretti when I drink and drive. You know, I'm great. So I get the bright idea that, you know what, I got a plan. You know, we always got a plan. And I got a plan. I'm going to go to work, make some money, and I'm going to come home and we're going to do homework. You know, we're going to have dinner. We're going to do all these fun things. And I take that drink and I wake up the next morning. And I don't know who you are. And a lot of them I wouldn't have drank with. They probably wouldn't have drank with me either. They probably looked at me and thought the same thing. Oh, my God. And I got to be nice to you until I find out if I've got a car because I've got to get home. You know, these little boys are home alone. You know, and they've got school. And I wake up and I'm sick. You know, I don't know where it's coming out of. You know, and I'm sick and I'm full of remorse. You know, and all that fear and, you know, are they alive? You know, did the police come in? You know, and I got to get home and I got to be nice to you because if I don't have a car, how am I going to get home? And if I've got a car, then I'm nasty. And I get home and, you know, I think I'm going to be full of remorse and I'm not. You know, I'm yelling at them to get ready for school and blah, blah, blah. Or they don't even go to school because I'm too sick to get them there, you know. And they missed a lot of schools. I missed a lot of plays. I've missed a lot of things in life because of alcoholism. But I don't know. This guy, their father, you know, I'd love to say, well, you know what?
I got smart and I thought, I'm going to get a divorce, you know, and I did it. You got to come in and kill me or try to kill me before I take off, you know. I'm holding on. He loves me, you know. I ain't letting go. Uh-uh. You know, he told me he loves me and he's good looking. Uh-uh. Nope. I ain't giving him up. So one night we're all partying. My boys are in bed and we're just, you know, oh my God. There's a knock at the door and I go to the door and I look at him and he's got that crazy look, you know, that dope look that you've like gone over. And he's got an axe. And that's not a good party gift or a party tool. You don't bring an axe to a party, let me tell you. And I never have. I brought some weird things but not an axe. And he ran them all out of the house. And a good friend of mine, Nicky, we do Tai Chi together and we've known each other since we've been 17, 18 years old and she was there. And a big Tim, a good friend of mine, he was there and they're still friends of mine. Can you believe that? But they were run out of the house with this axe and he tried to stab me under the arm. I don't know what that was about. He was not even, I don't, I'm bleeding now but, and he gets me down on the floor and he starts strangling me, you know. And I'm here because of a phone call. They called him to tell him the police were coming and you could hear the sirens coming. And, you know, he's strangling, I'm going out and for some reason he gets up and answers the phone. I'm glad he did. But if it was the other way around, I wouldn't have answered the phone. He'd have been dead. I mean, come on. Who does that? You get the upper hand. And he didn't. He answered the phone and I'm like, thank you. And then when he turned around, I hit a big beer mug and I cracked him right in the face, split his nose wide open. He's bleeding, I'm bleeding, the cops are coming. And they come in and I've got two little boys in the next room sleeping through it all. You know? And thank God they didn't wake up and come out and see it because it was ugly. And it was one more time. Those times went on and on and on. And that won't get me sober. That will not get me sober. Because it went on for a long time.
I mean, I stayed out there.
[00:15:27]
And I'm telling you what, I thought I had arrived. Everybody talked about that restaurant, to work down there was a big to do, you know, you made a lot of money and I walk in that place, I wasn't even old enough to sell liquor yet, they didn't care, I mean, they threw me right out on the floor and I just loved that place, it just fired my imagination, there were pimps and prostitutes and thieves, the dealer would come down and throw everything out on the back bar and we'd shop, my kids had Coca-Cola shirts and these jeans and I had Gucci everything and I did all my shopping down there, you know, and I always said, I'm going to get a little dirty, I always blamed, I always blamed everybody but there was a prostitute down there with a fur coat on, sitting in the front bar and she walked out and flashed everybody like this and I thought, that's where I got it.
She said, damn her. Because there was everything down there, just everything, I bought my dope from the bartender, you know, I did cocaine, you know, I'm an alcoholic, alcohol was always my love, you know, but I did everything you had, you know, I didn't ask what it was until after I did it and I didn't get off, I'm like, what the, you know, what was it? You know, I have done everything and I am not picky, I'm not picky and I've done it all and I don't know, there was a guy walked in that place and he had just gotten out of the army, he was really young, I don't give ages anymore, I am a slow learner, I mean, my gosh, there are so many things that I could sit here and tell you that I had to learn by being embarrassed because it didn't click in my brain, I mean, I went to a golf tournament for my granddaughter and I had this shirt on, I don't know why I'm talking about this, but, and I thought it was a nice shirt, you know, and I think this is really cool, well, it rained and you could see right through it.
Here's my granddaughter, here's her grandma on the golf course and you can see through my shirt and I was like, holy, you know, but, so I don't give ages anymore, but he was young, you know, the teachers that are going, teachers, it could have been me. No, he was, he was of age, well, he kept trying to hit on me, you know, and when I'm not drinking, I'm like, what's wrong with you, my gosh, you know, take on it, that's my mouth, take on it, what are you doing, you know, and then I'm drunk and I'm like, you know, it's filth and, well, okay, he's the father of my children, my twins, I'm not going to go through the whole spiel, you know, but he's the father of my twins, it was a one night stand that's lasting still now today, I'm not married to him, but I can't get rid of him, I almost bought a gun, I was going to get rid of him, oh, I was going to get rid of him and I was sober and I went to the ATM, I was going to get money out to buy a gun to kill him, I mean, he was doing things to me, well, not to me, other women, but, he was going to die.
And I ended up over at the Promises Club and Mimi and Phyllis was there and I was crying and I'm like, I'm mentally ill and they laughed at me and they're like, yeah, you are, and I'm offended, but thank God, thank God people told me the truth, but I don't know, I got pregnant with a set of twins, I didn't drink that whole time, I don't know why, I can't tell you why, but I was insane. But I was insane, you take alcohol away from me and I don't have a solution or a design for living, I don't have those things and I'm crazy, my head is crazy, you can't live in that, you can't live in that and I just was, I tortured everybody.
So I had those babies and I went back to work and somebody went to the bar and they got a drink and they brought me back a drink, I didn't think anything about it and I took that drink and I was off to the races. I can't stop. Yeah, God I hope he don't know yet. I wasn't gambling. That's cute. But I don't know, there was a friend of mine, Big Tim was coming over for dinner and all day long I was saying I'm not going to drink today, I'm not going to drink today and I didn't want to, I mean it was eating my soul, there was nothing left, I mean it had beat me down, you know, because I would drink, he's a good friend of mine, he still is, you know he works on my car and he's a bit of a hillbilly, I ain't against that.
[00:20:20]
He's just a great guy and we're friends but when I drink, he's Tom Cruise, he don't look nothing like Tom Cruise and I don't look anything like I think I look like and we roll around places that we're not supposed to be rolling around at, you know, and I knew that and I didn't want to drink and I thought for sure I was not going to drink that night. And he comes in with a big bottle of wine and we pop that cork, I don't know what we did but we got it off there and we were drinking and I don't remember anything, I mean I can barely tell you some of the stuff that happened and nobody would talk about it, you know, and we take off to go drink, I don't know if we ate, my middle son Jason was with the twins, they were in bed and I take my oldest son with me, you know, that's the kind of mother I am, I take my son with me.
You know, to drink and when I'm drinking, I'm nasty and I don't know what I'm going to do, you know, whatever you told me I did, I probably did but we come back to the house and I start getting ready for bed and I go in the bathroom and my head's running, kill yourself. I'm no longer getting relief, no longer, it's not stopping this and I'm grateful that I wasn't out and somebody said, let's hear, let's do some heroin because I'd have done it, I'd have moved on and I didn't, by God's grace and I go in the bathroom to get ready for bed and I get a double-edged razor and I start nicking at my wrist and I come out of that bathroom, there's blood every, you know, when you shave your legs, you bleed a lot and you can die, I wasn't going to die but the drama, I'm full of drama, by God, I can pull up some drama.
And I come out of that bathroom and, you know, I'm cussing like a sailor and I go to the drawer to pull out a knife and I'm going to stick it in my heart, I'm dying. My son's standing there, he didn't try to stop me, he's probably like, oh, just shut her up, do it but I pull out a spoon and for years, years, I got a spoon, mom, how do you die from a spoon? And I'm like, oh, there's a way and I heard a guy, I don't know who he is but I heard him say he tried to kill himself with a spoon and I'm like, that's my guy.
See, no matter what you do in AA, you know, you did when you're out there drinking, you come in here, you think it's the worst thing that could ever happen, we've all done it. You will hear it in these rooms if you stay, if you stay, you will hear everything, you know, we're not odd, you know, I'm not unique, I'm not different, I'm just like you people, thank God, you know, and I was horrified at the things that they would say I did to them and I have to say, shut up, no, I didn't but when I come in here and I work the steps, you know, and I don't work them and I'm done, you know, I live them and I make amends to my children and I'm a mother and I do what I say I'm going to do, you know, and I'm a good grandmother, you know, and it doesn't hurt me anymore, it doesn't, it doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore.
But they called the police, the paramedics, my mom and dad, my sister and brother-in-law and all my glory, you know, my mom and dad, good people, values, morals, father is a hard worker, never cussed a word, said a cuss word in his life until he got dementia and my grandson opened the door and hit him in the head and he said, I'm not going to say it, GD, we were all like, oh, he said a bad word, you know, and there's their daughter.
Half-dressed, cussing like a sailor, words that my parents have never heard or said, my mom would read a book and she'd scratch out the F word, that's my mom, scratch that out, you know, and here's her daughter, just filth, filth, so they get me out of there, the paramedics come in and they get me out of there, you know, all the neighbors and I get loose in the ambulance, I heard, I was probably looking for dope, we're going to party, in the ambulance and they take me over to the hospital and, you know, I'm sitting there and I didn't realize it and this is what AA does for me, you know, I go to a big book meeting up the Elano at 10 and we read the stories out of that big book, thank God, you know, and it was the part about one of the stories, the guy was shackled to the bed and all of a sudden it hit me and it was like, oh my God, I was shackled to that bed the moment I got into that bed.
I didn't walk, the moment I got in that hospital, in that emergency room, they shackled me down and my mother came back and looked at me and her daughter shackled down in spewing filth and I'm telling her to get out and I told the doctor, don't ever bring anybody else back here, you know, and I'm asking him to kill me because I don't have a solution, I don't know what to do, I don't want to live like this no more, so my solution is kill myself and he's like, we don't do that, you know,
[00:25:24]
so I'm telling him where he can stick a bunch of stuff and then the nurse is like, Judy, you know, we don't talk like that, so I tell her what she can do too, so when you act like that, you know, they put you in a little room, you know, with a little camera in the corner and I wake up the next morning and I'm sick, I mean, I don't know where it's coming out of, hot, cold sweats, I'm shackled down and I'm like, oh, this don't look good, at least when I woke up with him I could get away, you know, and now it's like, hold on, holy crap, and I didn't know what I had done and thank God it was, I didn't run over a family or I didn't kill somebody, I mean, I dated a guy one time, a nice guy, I don't know where he came from, I think he was one of them, I shouldn't say that, I had to, you know, and he just, nice guy, I'm drinking, he's trying to stop me and I woke up the next morning, there's glass and I'm like, what the heck happened here, he's like, you don't remember, and you know how it is, I'm not sure how people do that to us because they think we remember, we don't remember that stuff, I'm not lying, we don't remember, he's like, you don't remember, and I'm like, no, and he said you broke a glass and was going to cut me up because I wanted you to stay home, you know, and that's me, you know, and if you would have told me that morning that I had done something like that, I would have been like, okay, I guess I did, and thank God I didn't, and they wanted me to go down to Saini, it was Saini North, down in Covington, and I didn't know why, and I got up, how long have I been talking, I feel like I've been talking forever, it's quarter to 11, okay, I got 75 minutes, I can't talk, yes, I can, they shipped me down there and I didn't know why, when they asked me to go, I'm like, no, I flipped my hand too, that drama, no, and it was that moment of clarity, I guess, and it was like, oh, and I went back in, I said I would go, they sent me down there and thank God they did because I could hear, something happened that I could hear, I was desperate, it didn't make sense, I mean, none of it made sense to me, I questioned everything, but, and what, and why, and, you know, and, but I could hear, and there was an old man down there, Bill Cullum, Taxi Bill, they called him, you know, and he has helped so many people, he knew that big book, In and Out, he read that big book to me, he took me out, he got me to Russell Street at noon, he got me to meetings as soon as I got out of the care unit, he introduced me to my sponsor because I don't know that I could have asked anybody, you couldn't tell me no, you know, I was so full of fear, I couldn't get up in a meeting to walk across the room to go to the bathroom or get a cup of coffee, because I was terrified, that self-centered fear kept me in that seat, so grace to be able to get up here and read like that, with a 24-hour, that's amazing, that is amazing, I was so impressed.
I was just a mess, I really was, and Bill, he helped me, and he's dead, he hung himself, alcoholism, I don't know why, I'm not even going to act like I know why, he couldn't stay sober, he couldn't get more than 4 or 6 months, he couldn't do it, and he hung himself, and nobody was there, family was done with him, you know, and he's in a pulperous grave, over at St. Mary's, and I'm standing here in front of you, talking, I don't know why, but I'm grateful, I'm grateful for all the people that God has put in my life to pull me through AA and to show me how to live, because I didn't know how, I come out of the care unit and I'm calling my sponsor from the phone booth or from a hotel, I'm going to kill myself, because that's my solution, I don't want to drink, I know what I am, I know I'm an alcoholic, but I don't want to drink, but I don't know how not to, I don't know how to live, you know, I don't know what to do, and I call her and tell her I'm going to kill myself, and she'd be like, well, you know you can do that, but your mother-in-law is going to be raising them babies, and I'd be like, oh, my God, oh, my, at my worst, she made me look like a saint, she was, but it got my attention, and she'd say, come talk to me, come talk to me, and I would go there hopeless, and she gave me hope, she told me what was in that big book and how she lived and what she did, and she told me of a God that was everything or nothing at all, and I heard that, I was terrified of him, I mean, I knew he'd do all these things that I'd done, and I knew he was going to strike me dead, you know.
and I knew he was going to strike me dead, you know, at the right moment, he was going to do it. And, but she gave me hope. You know, she talked to me about the steps and getting
[00:30:04]
out of myself. I'd go to her in a meeting and I'd say, I don't fit in here. You know, all these people, you know, nobody talks to me. And she'd be like, and what are you doing? You know, you're sitting there. Get up off your, you know what, and go shake somebody's hand. Sit next to that new girl and ask her how she's doing, you know. And I'd look at her like, what? What? But I would do it. I was desperate. I was desperate not to live like that anymore and I would do it. And my life got better, you know. My life got better and I got my own God. Thank God, you know, today I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. It's not easy. You know, a lot of stuff has happened. We buried a lot of people. 2013, my daughter, we were putting the Christmas tree up. She couldn't talk. And she'd been coming downstairs for I don't know how long saying, Mom, I got a headache. And I'd be like, well, let me get you some Tylenol. No, no, it's going to go away. And I'm like, okay.
And we're putting the Christmas tree up and she can't talk. And I'm like, what? And she's not an alcoholic. Oh my gosh, they had smeared it off and they mixed it with some crazy stuff and they dumped it. And I'm like, whoa, I'd have drank it. I don't care what cigarette butt's in it, I'd have drank it. She didn't. She acted like she wanted to drink, but she didn't. And I called over at Children's Hospital and they said, Judy, get her over here. I think she might have a brain tumor. And I'm like, come on, Ann. Come on. You know, I know everything. She don't have no brain tumor. But I called Brittany. She was out with Brittany.
She was getting ready to take her to the emergency room. She looked like she had had a stroke. Her face was drooped. I didn't see it. You tell me I ain't self-centered. And we got her over to Children's Hospital and she had a glioblastoma multiforme. And it was awful. I mean, it was awful. But we made, we did everything we could for her. We celebrated Christmas over there and we celebrated her birthday over there. And, you know, I could be a mother to her. You know, they kept her. They were like, Judy, don't take her home.
And she went through everything, chemo, radiation, everything. And it wasn't going to do anything. But what it did, I was sitting there in this hospital room and I had slept on a couch. And it was either Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve. And my grandson, I'm telling you, if you can look at it, God gives you what you need. When my daughter got pregnant, I was like, son of a, oh my God. I'd raised babies. Well, sometimes, well, I didn't raise them, but 14, I was having children. And when she got pregnant, I thought, oh my gosh, God knew that that's what was going to keep me on this earth. He knew I needed that child. But we're at this hospital and I'm sitting on this bed and my grandson's in the middle of the room on a, like a pallet they made for him. And then I look across the room and there's my ex-husband's wife, the one that I would be like, you know, I'm going to, that's when my son said, mom, you're crazy. And that was an ugly crazy. And I was. And I called my sponsor and I told her, because I thought, you know what? And she said, well, stop acting like it. You know, and I did. So she's sitting there. And then I look over in the corner and there's my ex-husband next to his daughter sleeping. And I thought, my gosh, the power of God. I knew then the power of God goes deep. There's nothing he can't do. We never fought. The whole hospital was like, oh my gosh, we got to see this family because we never fought. We never had disagreements. It was all about her. You know, it was all about our, you know, our daughter. I don't know. I just, I'm amazed. I'm amazed. Not one time did I want to drink through that. You know, I wanted to jump out the window.
The pain was, oh. And my solution, again, is kill yourself, you know, jump out the window. But what I would do, I'd lay there and I'd pray to God, please help me. Please help me. And I'd fall asleep and I'd wake up the next day. You know, and I do that today. You know, when I'm all crazy in the head, I still get crazy. We all do. You know, I'm not cured. I'm not cured from alcoholism. You know, and I thought it was a curse. Me and Bob talk about it all the time, these brains we've got. It keeps me in the middle of AA. It keeps me close to AA because my brain don't tell me nice things. Oh, you're so wonderful. You're just going to be, you know. It's like, my God, what's wrong with you? You know, geezle.
And I pray to God and he gives me relief and direction, you know, and watching you people live and you show me how. I go to meetings. I hear you. I hear what you do. You know, the big book directs me in ways upon how to live and I live today. I've got that little boy. His father was abusive and everybody was like, you've got to do something. And
[00:35:08]
I'm like, no, I don't. No, I don't. And I kept saying, God, whatever you want. I'm not saying it wasn't like, you know. And long story short, it all just laid out in front of me and I adopted that baby on the 24th. Well, he's not a baby. He's 11. I adopted him on the 24th of January. I got to adopt him. We were going to go to court. It was going to be a three-hour trial. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, you know. And, but I was calm.
You know, I kept telling Mimi, I said, something's wrong. I'm calm. And I just kept saying, God, whatever you want. And if the father has to be, whatever you want. You know, I've got to surrender. I can't live like that. And Thursday nights I pick girls up and I go down to Odie's and I take these girls down there and I get home because I got my phone off. And I get home and I got my phone back on. It's my lawyer saying, Judy, look at your messages. I'm like, wow. And I did. And the father had signed the papers and conceded.
And it was done. You know, we didn't have to do all that. And I was like, thank you, God. I never take the credit for any of these things. I bought a house. One of the loan officers kept telling my lady, she ain't going to get this house. Really. She ain't going to get it. I live in that house today. God is big. God is good. And he's been good to me. And for me to not be able to, I mean, when I got, I couldn't walk in a party. Like they'd have little get togethers, you know. I couldn't do it. I'd throw the gift in and I'd run. And I was so uncomfortable to stand here in front of you and to be able to talk.
I can talk. You know, that's a gift. That is a gift. And AA and God has given me so many. And you guys have saved my life more than you know. And you've shown me the way. And I thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for asking me to talk. Thank you. Judy, I want to thank you.