Full Transcript

Thank you so much, Brenda. Oh my gosh. Can I move this? Maybe not. I’m kind of a klutz and I’ll tip it off. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I know I’m tall. I can take my shoes off. I’ll take my shoes off and then I’ll go down. Can you be like Mike? I can do that. All right. Hello everybody. My name is Judith and I’m an alcoholic. It is such, hang on, I am. I’m taking them off. There. Getting comfortable now. I want to thank my lovely host. What a joy from the time that she picked me up at the airport or even before that.

We talked on the phone and got to know each other and it’s been wonderful. I want to thank the committee. This has been so good. I mean, you guys have, I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this on tape, but kick ass recovery in St. Louis. You really do. You do. You can bleep it out. Just bleep that part. I mean, in the hallways, at the tables, I have had the best conversations. I walked by the registration, that young guy.

He says, I’m walking by and he goes, you spiritually fit this morning? And I’m like, I love that. I just love that. Last night, this young man, we met, Carl and I kind of met him this weekend. He came up afterwards after Carl talked and he had been listening to Chris and all the other speakers. And he came up kind of sheepishly to me and he goes, I’m really sorry I’m not going to be there for your talk in the morning. And I was like, that’s all right. That’s fine.

And he goes, well, he’s one month sober. And he said, I’ve decided I’m going to get a home group. I’m showing up to the meeting tomorrow to get a commitment. And I said, I know. I know. And I said, that’s exactly where you need to be. You don’t need to be listening to me. You go get involved. And I said, I better see you here next year. So I’ll have to come back and visit you guys next year just to see if he’s here. But that time next year, I’ll be able to sit down there and not be up here, which I love.

Anyway, so I want to especially thank the speakers. What a ride this weekend. Oh, it’s been so long. I’ve missed this. I’ve been touched. I’ve been challenged. I’ve been inspired. I laughed so much last night that my face still hurts this morning. It’s so good to see good friends. When we come to these conferences and we get to see each other, Carl and I haven’t seen each other for over two years. And it just is like a family reunion. It’s just so wonderful.

And now I’ve made new friends here, and I can’t wait to have you all come up to my conference in January in North Dakota. There’s nothing else to do in North Dakota in January. I gave my sobriety date yesterday, and I told a few things, so I’m not going to review all of that. That’s very important in my sobriety. But my sobriety date is January 19, 2009, and I feel like I’m the little kid in the room of the speakers this weekend. Definitely not any sort of expert or anything like that.

I’m just a happy customer. That’s what I am, and I’m just here today to give a review, pretty much. And that’s what you’re going to get. I remember being in AA two weeks. My sobriety birthday is on January 19, and two weeks after I came in was my first experience of when you guys do birthdays and tokens and coins and cakes. I was not impressed, but I was like, whoa. But this lady got up, and she had three years. Three years.

I was in my first two weeks, and I remember thinking, what a loser. Why is she still here? Oh my gosh, three years. I mean, it’s not that hard. Look at the steps. I mean, you all have six months to fix me, and I’m out of here. Three years. I can’t believe it. It’s not going to be me.

[00:05:02]

Thirteen years later, and I’m still here. And I’m very, very grateful for that. So I’m going to tell you why. I’m going to tell you why I’m still here. I just decided this morning, I don’t normally include this, but it just has been speaking to me, so maybe it’s for somebody here today. But this is my review, and it’s from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it says, AA has filled my days with friends, laughter, growth, and a feeling of worth that is rooted in constructive activity.

My faith in and contact with my higher power shines more brightly than I dreamed it could. Those promises I thought were impossible are a viable force in my life. I am free to laugh all of my laughter, free to trust and be trusted, free to both give and receive help. I am free from the shame and regret. Free to learn and grow and work. I have left that frightening, painful express train through hell.

I have accepted the gift of a safer, happier journey through life. That’s what I’m here for, and that’s what I’ve gotten. I always wanted life in high def, you know, and that’s what AA has given to me. I grew up, I’m going to really date myself now, but I grew up in Australia. I grew up with a 13 inch black and white TV with the rabbit ear antennas, and it was all fuzzy. Yeah, that’s what I grew up with.

And oh my gosh, the first time I saw color, and now high def, it’s like, yes, that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve always wanted in life, life in high def. And I love the illustration that Carl, the first time I heard that illustration about the vineyard and the dinner and the French dinner and the colors and the music and the conversation and connecting to God’s kids, it struck such a deep chord in my heart because that was me, and for the first time I had heard somebody explain what I had lived with my whole life.

I had been living that 13 inch black and white TV, and I was always searching for the high def, and I thought alcohol had given that to me. That’s what it looked like. But now I get it being with you guys. So I mentioned I had grown up in Australia. My father is Australian, and my mother is American, and so I say that I’m half and half, but mostly what that means is I’m just pretty much baffled. I mean, I don’t know if I’m here or down under or where I’m at most of the time.

I just grew up really baffled. I’m still baffled by a lot of things in life. This world is baffling to me. But if I’m here, I want to be there. If I’m with you, well, I look over here, and it looks like this gang over here is having more fun, so I’ll kick you to the curb, and I’ll go over here, but I’ll always be looking over, did I make a mistake? I think I lived my entire life with the motto of I’ll be happy when.

And you can put anything after that when. I’ll be happy when I graduate. I’ll be happy when I get that job. I’ll be happy when I get that promotion. I’ll be happy when I get him. And then I’ll be happy when I get rid of him and get him. I’ll be happy when. And the interesting thing is I am the type of alcoholic that will go to any lengths to get what I want. I understand that in the book, willing to go to any lengths, yeah, but it’s just when it’s what I want.

And I would see something that I want, and I would lock in on that, just like a little radar, alcoholic radar, boom. That’s what I want, so off I’m going, because I’ll be happy when I get that. And the interesting thing is, is because I’m that kind of little alcoholic, I got a lot of my wins. I’m very blessed. I’m very driven. I’m very stubborn. I’ll run over anything to get my win, and I got a lot of my wins, and I might be happy for a day or a week, maybe a month.

The shelf life of most of my relationships was about a year. And then the shine would wear off. The shine would wear off, and I would think that, oh, I’ve made a mistake again. It’s not that. And I’d lock in on something else, and I would go for that again, over and over and over. And I am completely baffled, because I’m always, always looking for happiness in something external,

[00:10:02]

not realizing that it’s something internal and that I need to be looking in, not out, but I’m always looking external, and I’m always searching, and I’m always striving, and I’m always frustrated. It’s like I’m so baffled by life. I look around, and it looks like all of you are happy, and it’s like all I want to do is be happy. Is that so much to ask for? And it’s like my entire life I’m grasping for this happiness.

I’m pretty sure I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this life if I only get what it is. But it’s like grasping water. Have you ever tried doing that? It doesn’t work. You’re grasping, and, you know, as a kid I tried it often. Like I said, I’m baffled. And I’m trying to grasp water, and it’s just running through my hands. And I come in here with you guys eventually, and you tell me to cup my hands in service and dip it down, and they fill up with everything I’ve always been wanting.

But that’s jumping ahead. So I grow up baffled. The other thing that I think would describe me is I don’t know. Have any of you guys ever been described or has anyone ever said to you that you have a lot of potential, but you just don’t use it and all that? Yeah, you have a lot. Yeah, that’s not my story. I have zero potential. I have zero potential, and I have proof that I have zero potential. A couple years ago my mom was packing up stuff, and you know how parents sometimes keep little things you’ve done along the way, your little drawings, your report cards, your this, your that, as you’re growing up.

So she packed all this up, and we each had a box, my siblings and I, and I got my box, and I’m looking through it and all this, you know, stuff, and I find my 8th grade, well, lots of report cards in there, but I’m looking through my 8th grade report card in Australia, and on one side were all the grades, which were horrendous, but that’s not the point of the story. On this side was all these questions that the parents were supposed to answer and then send back in, and there was a series of questions, and one of the questions I looked said, what potential does your child show?

I kid you not. My mom wrote, Judith has yet to show any potential, but we pray every day. I am not making that up. So that’s me growing up. I’m completely baffled by life, and I have zero potential. Not a great scenario when I come up against something that is cunning, baffling, and powerful, because I was down for the count from day one when it came to alcohol. I came to America and moved to North Dakota.

I was only meant to visit for a month. I was going to come and meet my mom’s side of the family. That’s where they’re from, North Dakota. I was 18, and so I was here for a month, and within a month I was engaged to a local farm boy. I went from a city of 3.5 million to a town of 350 people, and it was summer. I had no idea what was ahead, but that was crazy. So within a month I was engaged to this local farm boy, and a few months later I was married at 18.

Now I was raised in a very, very strict family. My father actually, just a little side note since I’m here in St. Louis, I was born here in St. Louis. I know, right? I know. It’s like a homecoming. My siblings were born in Australia, and my father came to get his doctorate at a seminary here in St. Louis, and I was born. And the year the arch was finished, so that will tell you how old I am. In a log cabin, and it’s still standing on the grounds.

Yeah, so I was, yeah. Anyway, so I was raised, as you can see, my dad’s getting a doctorate in theology from a seminary, and so I was raised in a very strict, strict religious home, and alcohol was not a part. My parents were together until my father passed away in 2020, and neither my dad passed at 87 and never had a drop of alcohol. My mom is still living, has never had a drop of alcohol. It was nowhere, nowhere in our lives.

It was nowhere, nowhere in our lives, at all, and then I came over here and I married

[00:15:03]

someone that was also very into religion and never drank, never drank, he was seven years older than me and had never had a drink, I don’t know if he’s had a drink today, but it was nowhere near, I had never seen other than TV, I was sent away to boarding school at 13, so I was in a very controlled environment, and then came here, married, had nothing to do with alcohol, so I’m a little bit of a late bloomer, very, very late, Carl was joking about being a late bloomer, I really am a late bloomer, the first time I ever had a drop of alcohol I was 28 years old, I know, right, I could have used it 20 years earlier, but I was 28, and it was very, very innocent, I had been married for 10 years at that point in time and someone was in my home and they had what I now know to be vodka and they said innocently enough, would you like a drink, now it was like, sure, okay, there’s nothing wrong with having a drink, so they mixed me some vodka and orange juice, and I remember this day, I know, right, I remember that day, alright, I’m 57 right now, and so 28 was a long time ago, a long time ago, but I remember it as though it was a month ago, I remember where I was sitting, I remember who I was with, and I remember what I said, and I took that first drink of this vodka and orange juice, and I said the following, I said, this tastes disgusting, now I know why we don’t drink, why would anyone drink this stuff, we just ruined a perfectly good glass of orange juice, but in between each of those statements, you can identify, I was taking another big swig, talk about baffling, I mean I’m baffled and I don’t even know why I’m doing that, I don’t do that with anything else, anything else, alright, I’ve had Brussels sprouts one time in my life, in fact I’ve only had one bite of Brussels sprouts in my entire life, to know I never need to eat Brussels sprouts ever, ever again, so here I’m drinking this stuff that I think is tasting disgusting, and I’m still drinking it, and in the big book it talks about there’s an invisible line that we cross over into alcoholism, I know exactly where my invisible line is, it’s right here at my lips, because from that first moment, I don’t know what it was, but from that first moment, it did for me what you all have described so eloquently all the time in every meeting I’ve ever been in, for the very first time I had that great exhale, I describe it if you’ve ever been like, you know, you watch those movies with the safe cracker coming in, you know, and the stethoscope, and they’re breaking into the safe and they’re putting the little stethoscope thing and they’re listening and they’re turning the dial until they hear that click of the tumbler and then they turn it the other way until they hear the click and then turn it, you know, the final click and then they open the safe, that’s exactly how I felt inside, it was like the tumblers of my life just went click, click, click, and a whole new world opened up, it was like the genie came out of the bottle, little did I know I was to climb into that bottle and live in the circumference of that bottle from 28 to 44.

I thought the genie had come out, I thought the magic had come out, but what was going to occur was that everything was going to get very, very, very small, but I didn’t know it at that point in time. Within a year, not even a year, but within that first year of having that very first drink, I was divorced from that very, very good man without a reason, I had no reason, I just knew intuitively, it’s funny how we know some of these things intuitively, that I wouldn’t be able to drink the way I needed or wanted to drink, I would never say I needed to because that means you have a problem, I wanted to drink, but he doesn’t drink and I knew that I couldn’t do it and so without a backward glance, devastation on his face, for no reason I walked out on that marriage, no reason at all.

I was also excommunicated from the church, I know, if you don’t know what that means, it means that they’re sitting around like this on a Sunday morning, which we are, and they say a bunch of stuff and then it’s all those in favor of kicking her out, raise your

[00:20:03]

hand, and I was kicked out. So at that point in time, I slammed the door on anything that had to do with God or religion or higher power, which I never heard before I came here, spirituality, anything and everything, no way, I was never going to darken the doorstep of another church, it didn’t matter if it was weddings or funerals or anything, no way was I going, I was kicked out of the club, I’m doomed, whatever, see you later, I had my new higher power and I had every faith in that higher power and that was alcohol.

It did for me what nothing else could do, nothing else. I wasn’t baffled when I was drinking, I had the answer to everything and I didn’t care that I didn’t have potential either, I didn’t care at all, who needed that anyway? So off I went and I drank, you know, it progressed very, very, very quickly for me and I did get married a second time in the midst of all that drinking, yeah, I thought he was fun because I met him in a bar and he turned out to be normal and, you know, said stupid stuff to me like, don’t you think you’ve had enough and I’d say, shut up and eat your cereal, you know, what’s the problem?

I mean, it was just ridiculous, it’s just like, lighten up, get off my case and so I had to get rid of him, actually he threw me out, he’s the most healthy Al-Anon person I’ve ever met and he’s never been to Al-Anon but he looked at me one day and it was terrible and I was, I was drinking myself to death, daily drinker at that point and he looked at me and he said, I’m not going to stand by and watch you kill yourself, I’m leaving for the weekend and when I come back you need to be gone.

So I took off and started a new life in a different state, didn’t bother me at all, not at all. Anytime anyone gets between me and alcohol, you’re going to lose, no matter how I feel about you, no matter how much I love you, I will go through you, over you, around you, under you, it doesn’t matter but you’re going to lose if you have a misfortune of loving me. And I hurt and destroyed a lot of people, relationships, marriages and I didn’t even look back, I’m like that tornado, just absolutely tearing through the lives of others and somehow it’s your fault, somehow, I always turn it back on you.

So at this point in my life, I am a lawyer by trade, the only reason I bring this up is because at this point in my life, you see, I am driven, I am driven to get what I want, I’m willing to go to any lengths for my happiness and what I think will make me happy. And at this point in my life, I am the legal counsel for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and so, you know, by day, I’m an officer of the court, you know, just super lawyer and by this time, I’m skipping ahead to the last four years, four and a half years of my drinking, at 40, I was introduced, you know, it’s just kind of embarrassing because you’re supposed to be making wise decisions at 40 but that’s when, talk about late bloomer, that’s when I’m introduced to drugs and, you know, lawyers, politicians and cocaine, you know, it just comes all together, right?

And you know, all it did for me was able to make me drink a lot faster and longer, that was it but it took me down fast and I guess I’m thankful for that because I don’t know how many more years I could have maybe limped along but with the addition of that into my drinking, I went down hard and fast and I guess I’m grateful for that because I got to you guys sooner but so, by day, I’m legal counsel for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and by night, I’m a criminal and what I mean by that is I’m driving out of my mind intoxicated on a daily basis.

I’m a daily drinker at that point and I’m also, you know, using that little thing called cocaine so very legal.

[00:25:01]

On the weekdays, I would drink at home, I had maybe one drinking buddy at that point in time but mostly it was, you know, either at my friend’s place or my place, my life is getting smaller and smaller and smaller. I have all the money I want, I have everything, you know, I’m only taking care of myself, I talk a big talk, I’m gonna, I could, I should, I mean to, I intend to, I plan on it, all these adventures, right?

I’ll take two weeks of vacation and tell you all the great things I’m gonna do and what I do is sit in my apartment and drink for those two weeks uninterrupted. I could have gone anywhere, I could have done anything and I did absolutely nothing and I went nowhere. That’s what I did during the weeks and on the weekends, I would head to the reservations in South Dakota which are always exciting and that’s where I would get my legal stuff and I could drink the way I needed to drink and use what I needed to use and then I could take some back for the week that was supposed to last, never did.

And I would do that every single weekend, I had to get out of town because I had such a high profile job that I couldn’t do what I needed to do and be around anyone who knew me or knew what I did for a living. So that was my existence and all this time, I had no clue what was wrong with me, no clue. Not once did it occur to me I was an alcoholic, not once. An alcoholic is some old dude, sorry guys, but it’s always some old dude that lives underneath a bridge and drinks something mysterious that’s hidden in a paper bag.

That’s an alcoholic. I don’t know where I got that from but that’s what an alcoholic is and I’m not an alcoholic. I come from a very good family. I am highly educated, thank you very much. I have a job. I have never been in trouble with the law, never had a DUI, I should have thousands, I should be in prison, but I never got caught. So I’m not an alcoholic. But I have no clue what’s wrong with me. Every morning I would come to those last years and I would be extremely sick, extremely sick.

I would go to work, I would feel really ill until about one or two could get something in my stomach, start feeling a little bit better, put in three really good hours of work that day, and then around, you know, when I came to that morning, every morning it went the exact same, it was like Groundhog’s Day. I was born February 2nd, Groundhog’s Day, and it was like I was living Groundhog’s Day because I would come to every morning and I would say, not again, not again.

I’m not going to do that again tonight. Tonight I’m going to take out my Harley, or I’m going to take out my kayak. I had a lovely luxury apartment on the river and I could just walk from here to that wall and plop in my kayak and go, never did, never did. Tonight I’m going to do this, tonight I’m going to, here’s a new idea, I’m going to pay bills tonight, or I’m going to clean my apartment tonight.

Not tonight, not tonight, I’m not going to do it tonight. And I would have all these really, really logical reasons lined up, you know, failed relationships, not just two marriages, but a number of others that, you know, on the rocks or on the, you know, whatever, this time I’m going to do it right, or this guy has potential, or this guy’s on the way out, whatever, but there’s always a relationship, you know, item on my list.

My boss isn’t very happy with me, my finances are in absolute disarray, because no matter how much money I was making, I was spending it on things I’m not supposed to be spending it on, and living on credit. So my boss isn’t happy, my finances are bad, I’m sick, I’m very ill at this point in time. All these logical reasons, and I want to die, I want to kill myself, I’m depressed, all this stuff, don’t know what’s wrong with me, seeing a counselor, therapist, on medication, nothing is helping, because I never mention my drinking at all, or the cocaine at all, so it’s not much good going to the therapist, but nothing’s working, I have all these sound reasons of why I’m not going to drink tonight, I’m not going to do it.

happen and I have no idea, you know, and Carl explained it so well last night, the mental

[00:30:05]

and the physical and I have no idea what alcoholism is and I have no idea that I have lost the power of choice, I can’t make that decision of not tonight and I don’t know this and I do it every morning, I stop, I used to say I never tried to stop, that’s not true, I stopped every morning, I just couldn’t stay stopped at all, I was powerless, so around 4 o’clock, 3.30, this little trivial thought would float into my mind and it would be it’s hump day or it’s two for Tuesday or it’s ladies night Thursday or something, some trivial thought and it would just come in and without any resistance it would just push all those logical reasons out of my mind and I had no idea that that’s what you guys were talking about when you were talking about the mental obsession, I thought it meant you all sat around in a room like this saying, don’t, you know, can’t drink, got to drink, I want to drink, don’t drink, you know, whatever, that’s, I thought that’s, but I had no idea how cunning, baffling and powerful it was and without any resistance it would just push all these logical thoughts out of my mind and I would be left with one that I would zero in on and I would, and then I would tell myself, I’ll just have one, every day, I’ll just have one, the same script, Groundhog’s Day, over and over and over, so I would go to the liquor, I’d go to different liquor stores, because heaven forbid they think I have a problem because I don’t, so I’d go to five different liquor stores, every day I’d go to a different liquor store and I would get a lot, I would get, you know, five bottles, whatever, and if you would have asked me, why are you getting all this if you’re just going to have one, I would say, well, I’m going to save it for the rest of the week, but I did this every day, every day, and not once did it occur to me something’s wrong here, so I’d go home and at this point in my drinking I was up to one big thing of vodka a night or about four, four and a half bottles of wine a night and I would drink until I passed out, but I’m just going to have one, so I’d go home and I would pour that one, and see, and I didn’t understand the second part, that physical allergy, because as soon as I would put it into my body, something interesting would happen and I would just change my mind, I don’t understand that it’s a physical thing, and I don’t understand that I’ve triggered it, it looks to me like I just changed my mind and now going kayaking doesn’t matter, being on the Harley doesn’t matter, bills, forget it, you know, cleaning, no, I just changed my mind, I don’t care about all these other things, I’ll just have another, and then I’ll just have another, and then I’ll just have another, and I’ll just have another, and I did this same script, same scenario, day after day after day after day after day for years, years, and I had no clue what was wrong with me.

So the last time that I drank, I had no idea it was my last time, I had no clue, it was one more weekend, I had gone, it was Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, and that’s a long weekend so you gotta leave town, good drinking time and everything, and I was always running down to the reservations to get what I needed, and so that was my plan, and it was nothing hugely different, there was a little hit and run involved and a few other things, but that’s not anything really different, but as I was heading back to where I lived, and I was going through a town where I had like two friends left, drinking buddies, drugging buddies at that point in time, and one of them lived in this city that I was traveling through, and so I called him and I said, hey, I hadn’t heard from him in a couple months, he was like disappeared, didn’t hear a thing from him, I didn’t know if he was dead or alive, he was a big meth addict and everything, so chances are he was probably dead, but I thought I’d call him anyway, and I called him and I said, hey, I’m traveling through, it was 10.30 on a Sunday morning, like today, and I said, hey, do you want to have a drink?

I didn’t think that was abnormal either, most people say, do you want breakfast or coffee, no, I’m saying, hey, do you want a drink, meet me at this bar, 10.30 on a Sunday morning, but I don’t have a problem. And my friend said, sure, I’ll meet you there.

[00:35:01]

What I didn’t know is where he had disappeared to was with you guys, and he had been in Alcoholics Anonymous sober for two months, he had gotten a sponsor, he was working the steps, and he was ready for my phone call. In fact, that morning, we compared stories, and years later, we were talking about it, and that morning, he was sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he felt his phone vibrate, and he looked down, and he saw my name, and he didn’t know what I wanted, but he sure knew what I needed, and he stepped out and he answered, and he was with the direction of his sponsor, and from working the steps, he was put in a safe and neutral position.

Thank God he hadn’t been, and I don’t mean to insult anyone, but thank God he hadn’t been somewhere for 30 days that told him stay away from triggers, stay away from her, she’s your drinking buddy, stay away from that bar where she wants you to go. I’m not suggesting if you’re new today that you go hang out in these places and with people like me, however, he was under the direction of a sponsor, he had been working the steps, and he was, like the book says, placed in a safe and neutral position regarding alcohol, and he had a legitimate reason to go where he was going, and he came in that morning, and I could not, I mean, I’m sitting there, I have, had I known this was my last drink, I would have planned it differently, okay, I didn’t know, but I had four Bloody Marys lined up, okay, it was two for one, those were for me, he was going to have to order for himself, and this, see, this isn’t morning drinking, this is breakfast, so, you know, I don’t have a problem, I’m just having breakfast, by that time I’m shaking and I need something, I don’t know that, but I do.

So I’ve got these four drinks lined up, and he comes in, and I can’t even recognize him. I love that part in the big book where it says that Ebi is, it calls Bill and says, Bill, hey, I’m coming, and Bill’s super excited, just like I was, finally I have someone to drink with, because by this time I don’t have anyone left, and I’m finally going to catch up with my old friend, haven’t seen him for months, and Bill’s thinking, yay, you know, I got someone to drink with, I don’t have to look like I have a problem sitting in this bar by myself with four Bloody Marys, you know, and Bill opens the door, and there stands Ebi, and he’s dressed in his right mind, looking, you know, as my mom would say, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and that’s exactly what my friend looked like when he walked in, in two months, his physical features had transformed to the point where I couldn’t even recognize him, absolutely amazing, because, you know, not only was he a raging alcoholic, he was kind of yellow and whatever, but he was also a raging meth addict, and so he looked like walking dead, he really did, but when he walked in that morning, he was alive, it was as if the sun just came in with him, he just beamed, you know, those commercials where, you know, the supermodel walks in in the light, and is on her spotlight, and the fan in the hair is blowing, you know, okay, well, he’s bald, but if he had hair, it would have been blowing, and the spotlight, and the birds, you know, I mean, it just absolutely, I just looked at him, and joy and peace just beamed from his eyes, it was absolutely amazing, and he sat down, and I told him he had to order, and he was like, no, I’m sober, and just like Bill, with no regard for my friend, I’m just like, well, it sucks to be you, and I drank in front of him without any, you know, not mindful at all to him, I didn’t care, I didn’t care, this is supposed to be my dear friend, I don’t care, sucks to be you, and I’m going to sit here and drink, that day, he cared, it was a perfect, perfect textbook 12-step call, I don’t remember a word that he said, but it was perfect, it really was, I know it was, he didn’t lecture me about my drinking, first time I’d ever, you know, someone wasn’t, he knew how I drank, we drank together, so that wasn’t necessary, he just told me what he had been doing for the last two months with you guys, that’s all, he was just sharing his experience, and what had happened, all I was doing was looking at him, I couldn’t believe it, and I wanted what he had, when we talk about attraction, that’s what it was this, that morning, was attraction, he didn’t really have to say a word, he just was, and I wanted it, I didn’t know what it was, but I wanted it, so that night,

[00:40:07]

I went to my very, very first AA meeting, I was intoxicated, and, because I kept drinking, and then I drove, and kept drinking, but I got there, and I walked in, and you know, I don’t know how to this day when I think about it, because I had Monday off, and it’s like, do I go to the liquor store quick before they close, or this AA thing, because he looked up an AA meeting for me, and it was at 8pm, drink, you know, I need to get alcohol, because I wasn’t supposed to be there yet, need alcohol for the next day, or maybe this AA meeting, alcohol, AA, and I cannot, I cannot tell you today, standing here, how my car got to that meeting, I really can’t, but I walked in, intoxicated, no one was mean to me, everybody was nice, and everybody said welcome, well, you know, I sort of scowled at everybody, I wasn’t too sure about it, I thought it was a self-help group, and I was just going to check you out, and whatever, and they started circling up at the end for that prayer, and see, I’m out of the club, so I high-tailed it towards the door.

I love greeters in Alcoholics Anonymous, I love greeters, I like to be greeters, even though I’m an introvert, I love greeting people, but more than the greeters, I love the blockers, okay, I love the blockers, because as I was going for that door, I was not going to say that stupid prayer, I wasn’t going to circle up, and I’m heading for the door, this old guy, see, they are old guys, they were only old guys where I was, and in overhauls, no tea, yeah, it was just, that’s an alcoholic, he blocked me from the door, body blocked me from the door, and he stuck out his hand, and he said, hi, my name’s Gary, well, I don’t know what it is, instinct, I stuck out my hand, you know, someone goes to shake your hand, I shook his hand, and he wouldn’t let go, and he has my hand, and he’s like, come on over here, do you have one of these books, you know, he goes, do you have one of these big books, okay, I’m a lawyer, and I’m like, that ain’t no big book, I hate to break it to you, it’s not a big book, but I’m like, no, I don’t have one of those books, and he gave me one of my very first big books, which was stolen from the club, and he said, take this, read the first 164 pages, and come back, and bring it back, and he also gave me a coin, and it said 24 hours on it, and I remember looking at that coin, as silly as it is, I looked at that coin, and I thought, do I have to tell him I’m not sober 24 hours, as though he couldn’t tell, but I was like, do I have to tell him, and I didn’t say anything, and I took that, and it, you know, it’s so weird, the little things that make a difference, but that coin bothered me, it really, really bothered me, and I was like, you know, if I can stay sober for 24 hours, it proves I’m not one of them, I mean, the logic behind it, yeah, 24 long hours, just no alcohol, then I don’t have a problem, so I set out to earn that coin, and so how I did it, was I stayed in bed all the next day, I knew if I got up, I’d go to the liquor store, but I stayed in that bed, and I read, as I’m detoxing, and I didn’t even know anything about alcoholism, and I’m a daily, large quantities of daily drinker, I had no idea how dangerous this was, I had no idea what I was in for, I had no idea the things that I would sort of see, and what would happen, and I was deadly sick, but I had no idea you could go to the hospital, I had no idea there was such a thing as detox, I had no idea, so I’m just in bed, and I’m getting sick, and in between getting sick, and being absolutely miserable, I’m reading the 164 pages, I read it the entire first day, while I was detoxing, and when I was done, I slammed the book shut, and I threw it against, threw it across the room, it hit the wall, and it fell to the floor, and I said, that’s the stupidest book I’ve ever read, in my entire life, I didn’t see anything in it, with me, I mean, what are they talking about, jaywalkers, and ballet, and all this stuff, what has this got to do, this is stupid, first of all, it was old-fashioned, poorly written, they need help, I could help with that, but I’m pretty sure, I think, you know, it needs a lot of touch-up, I could help with that, but other than that, it’s stupid.

that, but other than that, it’s stupid. I hated it. The interesting thing is, is that night at 8 p.m. I went back to that meeting. I wanted to, you know, I am driven, I told

[00:45:04]

you, and I earned that 24-hour coin and I went back, I took it back, nobody asked me about it. I was highly disappointed, but I went in there again and I went back to that meeting every single day at 8 p.m., every single day. And that’s all I did, every single day. And I stayed sober. I refused to work your stupid steps. I would not open the book again. I would not get a sponsor. And I was pretty disruptive in the meetings. Anytime the word God would come up, oh my gosh, it was like every single meeting, you know, and I would have to, you know, trust me, I know way more than you guys do about this, you know, God thing and theology and I can go toe-to-toe, I can quote chapters. And it doesn’t work and you’re going to figure that out. I was arrogant, I was rude, I was disruptive.

I was a vision for you, for sure. For the first two weeks, and you know what, and I wasn’t an alcoholic. For the first two weeks, I would sit there and you know how it goes around the room and it’s like, hi, I’m Joe, I’m an alcoholic, hi, I’m Debbie, I’m an alcoholic, hi, I’m, and it would come to me and I’d be like, hi, I’m Judith. And I would glare at the person next to me like, what’s your problem, you know. I’m not, and I even once, I even said, I know what you want me to say, I’m not saying it. I was very disruptive. But I kept listening and I kept going back, I kept going back, and around two weeks after hearing you guys share all your stories, I, there was something in me and I couldn’t deny it any longer because I heard things. And it’s like, oh my gosh, I felt that way when I was drinking and even more importantly, I felt that way when I wasn’t drinking. And finally, there was, I just couldn’t stop it. But that day, the idea, the knowledge, the information that I was an alcoholic went to my innermost part of my being, into every cell of my body. And that day I said what I thought was the worst words I could possibly ever say and that was, my name is Judith and I’m an alcoholic.

And the problem is, is that that step, that first step isn’t going to keep me sober. A lot of people say, oh I did step one out there, I don’t mean to offend anyone. I did step one out there. I don’t think so. I experienced step one out there perhaps. But it’s not until it goes to the innermost part of my being that I have a fatal illness that is progressing, that it, when I finally believe that it informs my actions, we act out of our beliefs. Do I honestly believe I have a fatal illness? Do I treat my life like I have a fatal illness?

And that day it went in and I’ve never, ever, ever questioned it. I’ve never thought it’s okay, I’ve been sober 13 years, I could have a drink. Not once have I thought that. Not once have I thought, I just want one. I know exactly what I am, who I am. The thing is, is that step’s not going to keep me sober. And I didn’t know if I, I said the words, but I had no idea whether I was going to stay sober or I wanted to stay sober or if I had a desire to stay sober. I just wanted the pain to stop. That’s all I wanted. If you would have asked me at the beginning, I would have said, heck no. Are you kidding? What about New Year’s Eve? What about going out to dinner? What about staying home? What about watching a movie? What about driving? What about, you know, anything? How do you do anything?

Do I want to stop? Are you kidding? That’s like asking me if I want to breathe. No, I don’t want to stop. Do you have a sufficient substitute? I’m happy to say that not only do you have a sufficient substitute, but you have a substitute that is vastly superior to what I had. Because if it wasn’t vastly superior, I wouldn’t still be here. If it was equal to, are you kidding me? This is too hard. Because I know that with three, two, three, four drinks, I can get ease and comfort within 15 minutes. Of course, it doesn’t last, whatever, and I destroy everything. But, you know, I know where to get ease and

[00:50:02]

comfort from. But what I’ve gotten here is vastly superior. So, because I’m not going to do the steps and I’m not going to get a sponsor and I’m not going to read that book anymore after that first time, I have my own program of sobriety. Notice I don’t say recovery just sobriety. Physical sobriety without recovery to me is just hell. It was absolute hell. And my program of sobriety, Judith’s program of sobriety, was I would get up, go to work, go to a meeting, go home, go to bed, get up, go to work, go home, or go to a meeting, go home, go to bed, get up, go to work, go to a meeting, go home, go to bed, day after day after day after day. I kept myself in that box. And that mental obsession was so intense that it felt physical. It felt like my throat was closing up. And I would sit in my beautiful office in the Capitol. I had windows and brass and mahogany and mosaic tile. And I’m sitting in there, you know, my couple thousand dollar suits and my convertible in the parking lot.

I had everything and I just wanted to die. I felt like my skin had been peeled off and every nerve ending was just exposed. I was in so much pain. And that mental obsession that I didn’t even know what it was, it would hit me. And I would sit there at my desk and I would clench my fist and I would rock. And I would say over and over again, just don’t drink, just don’t drink, just don’t drink. And I would look up at the clock and I would wonder how long is this one going to last? This is my life, day after day after day, but I’m not doing your way because I’m not doing that God thing.

At the Capitol, there’s beautiful gardens, beautiful gardens and landscaping and roses and flowers. It’s just gorgeous. And they would bring over the women inmates from the women’s prison to tend to the flowers and the roses outside my window. And I remember sitting there and I would be rocking and clenching and just don’t drink. And I’d look out and I’d see these women in their orange coveralls with inmate stamped on the back, tending the gardens and everything sitting in all that, like I described, everything that I had. I would look out the window and I would envy them. I remember it as clear as can be. I would envy them because in my mind, their fight was over. Someone told them where to go, what to do, what not to do. I had no idea you can get alcohol and drugs in prison at that point in time, but I thought at least their fight is over. They don’t have to do it anymore. They are more free than I am with everything I had.

I did that for quite a while and it got worse and worse. About halfway through, about seven months sober, doing my program, I was offered another job and I was like, okay, this is it. I’m miserable because it must be my job. I love my job, but there must be something more. Remember, I’ll be happy when something out there. And I was offered to be a US attorney, federal prosecution. And I’m like, oh, yay, more power, more prestige, more possessions, bigger paycheck. This is it, right? I’m on the, you know, I’m going one day judge, all this stuff. So I didn’t have a sponsor, didn’t have anyone to run the wisdom of this by.

And I didn’t really closely read the job description. And the job description was to prosecute violent and drug crime on the reservations. I know, you guys are paying attention. I love it. Yes. So I had fun for a few months. They sent me to FBI school and all this cool stuff down in South Carolina. It’s really cool. Department of Justice and FBI and we got to learn all these things. And so when I was done with my schooling and I was still going to AA, I would check myself out, my little badge. I remember in South Carolina, I got in this cab and I said, do you know this address? Can you take me to this address? And the cabby looked at it and he says, oh, you’re a friend of Bill’s. And I was like, no, I’m new in town. I had no clue of the codes or anything like that. And he goes, well, I thought you were going to AA. And I was like, oh, yeah, I am. Anyway, so he dropped me off and it was a really sketchy neighborhood, so he waited for me. And that was my little angel there.

But anyway, I got back home and I was given my first case. And I’m prosecuting a federal.

[00:55:01]

I don’t know if you know the systems. You’ve got the state and then you’ve got the federal FBI and all that and they’re in charge. They have jurisdiction in the reservations. And my first case came across my desk and I knew him very well. Yeah. And I know I can’t prosecute this person. I can’t certainly be sitting at the prosecutor’s table with him over here and he leans over, hey, how’s it going? I can’t sign anything. So what I do is I disclose.

And what disclosing is, is I inform my boss that I can’t prosecute this person because I know them and all hell breaks loose. I didn’t tell how I knew him. I just said I knew him. But it was like everything just, I mean, there would have been sirens going, there would have been, but I mean, everything changed. The U.S. attorney flew on in his jet. They pulled me into the room. There’s three FBI agents and the U.S. attorney and two assistant U.S. attorneys, which is what I was. And for three hours, all six guys, men in suits, just like on TV, interrogated me. There was the good cop, the bad cop, just spitting and then here have a cup of coffee. And they interrogated me, how do you know this person? Because they know if I’m disclosing, if I’m saying I can’t prosecute him, there’s got to be some sort of relationship. You don’t just not prosecute if you know them. You have to know them. And it’s like, how do you know this person? And they knew that you don’t know this type of person unless you’re doing things you shouldn’t be doing. And there’s nothing that they hate worse than one of their own doing the things that I was doing. I sat there and I’m happy to say that I never broke, never cried. And in Judah’s sopriety program, there’s no honesty anywhere in that program. Just saying, it’s just the clenching, rocking, don’t drink program.

No honesty. And I’m saying anything and everything to get out of this. Because at this point, I know I’m going to federal prison. I know I am. All they have to do is go down and talk to him. They will offer him a deal. And then I’m going to go to prison. He’ll turn on me and tell me what I’m doing and I’m going away. And so I am just plain anything. And I’m saying stuff like, well, you know, on the reservation we’re all related and all this stuff. Yeah, I’m not even Native American, but I’m just saying anything, right? And they said, finally I didn’t break. And they said, you know, you haven’t heard the last of this. We’re going to go talk to him and don’t go anywhere. And by the way, don’t bother coming back to work.

You’re done. So I was, I used to say I was never fired. I just was not invited back. I was very disappointed because I had a gold badge and everything. I had arrived. It was so cool. And I only got to use it once. I had to give it back. So I left and I went into the parking lot and that’s when I broke down. And I cried. My professional life, everything I’ve worked for is done. I’m never practicing again. I’m going to federal jail. My life is over. And at that point I had been so miserable, so miserable in this sobriety, this physical sobriety, zero recovery, is that I had a loaded pistol and I had had that loaded pistol under the seat of my car. And I sat in that parking lot and I said, you know what? Have you guys, have you ever heard that saying, my best thinking got me to AA? Okay, that’s not my story either.

But because, because here’s the deal. I had been with you guys every single day for 11 and a half months. By this time I’m 11 and a half months sober. And I had been with you guys not missing a day. And my best thinking in that moment was, I’m going to go to the reservation, do what I need to do to get what I need to get, and then I’m going to end it. My best thinking gets me drunk, high and dead. That’s my best thinking. After being with you guys for 11 and a half months, that’s the best I can come up with. Then right after that, a thought came from outside of me that I can’t explain. And they said, you know, the voice said, you know, there’s really great AA in that city over there. And I answered that voice. And I said, fine, I’ll go. But if it doesn’t work, I’m doing my plan. I’m going to go to the reservation, do what I need to do to get what I need to get, and then I’m going to end it. So that day I packed up everything and I hightailed it out of town.

Not that I didn’t think they’d find me. But I left, and thank goodness, and I ended up in a very, very strong Big Book

[01:00:01]

Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I walked in there, and they saw that I was dying of untreated alcoholism, and they went to work. It was like the ER of AA. They just surrounded me, and, you know, they didn’t, there was no, I mentioned this the other day, there was no women that were taking anyone through the books, and that’s why I’m like, come on women, we need some strong Big Book sponsors here. Let’s go, let’s go get them, because I was dying, but thank goodness there was men of character and integrity and Big Book sponsorship in that place, and they appointed me a sponsor. He says that he got the short straw, he pulled the short straw, but they appointed me a sponsor, and my sponsor, you know, not to use cliches, but it’s all true.

He’s mean, and he’s a Harley mechanic, and he’s gruff, and he cares more about my life than my feelings, and he’ll say things to me like, I don’t care what you think, I don’t care how you feel, do it anyway. He’d walk up to me, and he goes, how you doing, and I’d be, you know, glum in a meeting, and I’d say, I’m fine, and he’d say, good, tell your face that, and walk away. You know, he was just mean, but he loved me, and he kicked my butt through the steps.

Every time I would even balk, he would say, how free do you want to be? And I’d be, oh, dang, that would get me every time, how free do you want to be? And I went through the steps, and I went through the steps, and it started changing, it started saving my life. Things started changing, and it wasn’t all, you know, easy, and I don’t have time, you know, I spend all my time on my story, and sometimes people say, well, I appreciate what you said, but you didn’t get to the message, and, okay, I don’t have time to take you through the steps, get a sponsor, okay, they’ll take you through the steps, and they’ll tell you the, you know, the amazing, amazing program, and the thing is, is I didn’t do it perfect at all, I don’t do it perfect, but I got results, I got results, and I went on this journey for this higher power, it took me years, if you’re struggling, don’t worry about it, you know, it says to seek, and we can only seek something that actually exists, we can look for unicorns all day long, we’re not going to find them, but you can look, we can, we only seek for things that actually exist, and I’m told to seek this power, and this whole book is about how we find and establish connection with this power, and grow it, and, you know, it’s a wonderful, wonderful experience, and as I shared with you at the beginning, you know, the reasons I stay are numerous, I was able to make all the amends that I know of, I’m a blackout drinker, so I have no idea if there’s some out there still, but as far as I know, I’ve got it covered, and one of the, you know, on my resentment list, the top two was God and my father, because my father was, while he had a theology, a doctorate of theology, he also, it was violent in my home, and there’s, you know, there’s just stuff, and I loathed, I hated my father, but because of what you guys taught me, I stopped focusing on what kind of father he was, and I started putting my focus on what kind of daughter am I today, and that’s what my focus was, and I went from, if this is neutral, I went from loathing, and hating, and despising my father, I was brought into a position of neutrality with my father, I could be in the same room as him, and we were able to spend some time together, and it stayed like that for years, and that was a gift, that, to be free of the rage, to be free of that hatred and resentment, that was a gift, and if that’s all you guys gave me, that would have been amazing, but in 2020, during, you know, right at COVID, I got a phone call that he was rushed to the hospital, and he was dying, and I rushed there, and my whole family showed up, and he was dying, he was still responsive, and my mom wouldn’t leave him at night unless one of us was there, so I volunteered to sit with my dad all night long in a chair by his bed, and it occurred to me as the night went, I was sitting there, and it was like, this is the first time I can remember being alone with my father, and I was sitting there, and I was giving him ice chips, and I was taking care of him, and he was responsive, and, you know, and he never once said the things I wanted him to say, you know, like, he loves me, and he’s proud of me, and things like that,

[01:05:03]

but I’m sitting by his bedside caring for him, and, you know, he has a doctorate of theology, and I’m just ornery sometimes, and I’m like, well, he can handle these questions, he’s about to pass away to the other side, and so I’m like, dad, dad, do you see a light or anything? And he just chuckled, and he was just, he was like, oh, that’s me, and then, but I really wanted to know, I said, dad, what are you thinking about?

Because he’s about to die, what are you thinking about? And he raised his hand, and he pointed it to me. That’s what he was thinking about. And in those moments, in that last night when he was still responsive, he passed away two days after that, but he was still responsive, for the first time, what happened is I went from that position of neutrality to the very first time in my life I felt genuine love from my father, and that’s because of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had, for so many years, tilled the soil so that I was able to be there and be of service and experience that with him on his very last night. And I really, you know, that has been a tremendous gift through these past couple years. So I know my time is up, but I just want to share with you guys that there are still many times that I’m very baffled by this world. I still am, and I still don’t think I have any potential.

I don’t, you know, but the thing of it is, is today I have a design for living. That’s contained in this book, and it’s really specifically laid out, easy to follow. And when I do that, it doesn’t matter, it works. It doesn’t matter that I’m baffled. I don’t have the answers to everything. I can’t figure everything out. It doesn’t matter if I’m less than, more than, whatever, potential, who cares? My primary purpose today is to serve God and God’s kids, and that’s why I get to be here, and that’s why I get to have this time with you,