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Source: Jim W – From Fort Worth, Texas – Date Unknown.mp3 File: jim-w-from-fort-worth-texas-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:13:28
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The gentleman I'm about to introduce, we met Friday afternoon when he got off the plane at Akron Canton Airport. He missed us entirely, he walked right past us, but we had him paged and finally got together. Believe me, he is a real gentleman. We have spent the time since then with him, except for our sleeping hours, and he's a very gracious gentleman. He's the type of gentleman you would expect to come from Texas.
I don't mean the prototype of the blowhard, you know, the big guy in Texas, but this is a soft-spoken, very gentlemanly gentleman. And it's with a great deal of pleasure that I can introduce to you this morning our speaker, Jim W., Fort Worth, Texas. Well, I hate to mess that up, but I will. The only reason I will is because I just always do. It's not intentionally, I just happen to be that way.
It really has been something. I'd like to thank Lou and Rita especially. She ran things very beautifully, and we went along and it worked out just fine. It was hard on us, but we did it just like she said, and it worked out just fine. It's been great to be with, and the committee for inviting me, and maybe it doesn't mean that much to you, but to be in Lois' presence is really something for me. Didn't even dream of it.
And I cannot understand, Dr. Bob's house is for sale. I cannot understand why an alcoholic hadn't bought it, and then finally got his alanons over there to get it all fixed up so he could have Dr. Bob's group. I said, I'll bet you they haven't been over here. They don't know that. You need to take that tour. But it was great to be where it started. It was great to be in a place where God put it together.
And it's just something to have been here. But before we cry, I'd like to tell you that my name is Jim W., and I am an alcoholic. And I started out in a little old town not like yours. They didn't sell booze where I was. You had to get us some bootleggers, and we only had one bad one. And he drank wine and bay rum and slept downtown. I never did drink bay rum. And they programmed me not to be an alcoholic.
They didn't do it. They programmed me to be a Southern Baptist. Now, y'all probably don't have a Southern Baptist here, but I'll bet you got a Baptist or two. We had four commandments. Don't drink whiskey, commit adultery, play cards, or dance. And nobody does, the rest of them. But they raised me in that little place. Had a guy standing up here just like me. And he said, if you think it, you might as well have done it.
Well, I knew I was thinking it, and I didn't even know what it was. But I just had a feeling I wasn't one of them, and I was one of those, and I knew whatever it was I was doing wasn't what I was supposed to be doing, and I hadn't even done anything. Got to be about 12 or 14, which will do that if you just keep messing around and getting up every day, you know. And then I got around these girls who've got that funny feeling.
And I told them about it. They said, oh, we've been meaning to talk to you. You know we've been praying for you. And I said, oh, I knew I was one of those. I knew whatever it was you had that you're not supposed to have, I knew I had it. And they said, we want you to meet us at the church before the service. So I met them, and they put the thing on you. They get in there, and you know if you do what they do, you're going to be great.
And you know I need to be great when I'm not anything already. So when they made that last call, the way they do it, we're going to sing one more stanza for that one, right back there. God, you know they're looking at you. They point, you know. Then you walk down the aisle, it's kind of like AASEP, don't give out any chips. They hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are. You know you're not, but hell, I like it.
Then they put you in the tank, the hands are bleached, you choke a little, but you come out okay.
[00:05:05]
Went to school the next day and saw that girl, came right back. I said, well, we're going to have to do it again, didn't take. They said, no, you just don't do it. Well, they didn't know, I didn't know how to don't do anything. I didn't even know, I didn't know how to don't do anything. Then when I knew I couldn't do it and couldn't keep from thinking about it, I said, you know I've been thinking about it all afternoon.
I'll just go ahead and think about it the rest of the day and in the morning I won't think about it anymore. So the next morning I got up, as soon as I wake up, started thinking about it. Then the more I tried not to think about it, the more I thought about it. It was always in my life that the more I tried not to think about something, the more I did it. And the more I said I wasn't going to do it, the more I did it.
Now I didn't know how that was. I don't know where I learned that. Hell, I ain't been anywhere but school or church. You know, we didn't even go to the bathroom unless we just really had to. I really enjoy going now. It's free now, you can go in there. Don't have to be guilty. I went three times after breakfast. Finally got to be 17, quit playing basketball so I could smoke. 30 miles away was a little town that was wild and wicked.
That's before you could do anything during the week, you always did it on Saturday. So I took a bath, I guess you watch it on this, before they had to spray. I went over there and opened the door of one of these little old honky tonks, beer joints, and there was that deacon with a warm girl in one hand and a cold beer in the other. I thought, my God, he's going to tell Jesus about me. I thought, my God, he's going to tell Jesus about me.
I thought, my God, he's going to tell Jesus about me. And we didn't even get to do it. You know, it looks like you'd know if you get caught before you do it, you ought to give it up right there. This guy said, well he can't tell anybody, but I thought he had a better inside shot with Jesus than I did. However, he was happier than I'd ever seen him. And with a different girl. We drank two beers, didn't do one thing for me.
Not a thing in the world. And I was glad to get out of there. Then the next morning I wanted to go to the church for the first time in 17 years. I said, maybe you get old enough you don't have to go. There he was, sad, like he always was, with that other girl. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. So I told this guy, I said, we're going back the next Saturday and don't tell a living soul.
We'll go to the other joint. This big town had two joints. So we went to that other joint and I learned how to do everything but committed adultery. And I didn't even know how to do any of it. I didn't know I knew. And I'd have done that except you know how we are, we just get too tied up. I just learned how to drink. You just go and drink one after the other and you get the feeling it's good, you can't feel it at all.
I learned how to dance and Southern Baptists cannot dance. And if they do, they can't admit it. And I fell down on the dance floor and broke my nose just like you're supposed to. Blacked out. Woke up the next morning, felt horrible. This guy called and said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel terrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time last night. I said, oh, well. Then I knew how to have a good time.
Go out and get drunk, black out, wake up the next morning, throw up. Know you had a good time. Didn't even know you did it any other way. Never knew you did it any other way. I thought those people that just didn't want to run with me when I was drinking, just didn't know how to turn it loose and let it go. And God, listen, I had brain damage not doing it. I got relief from drinking. And I really loved to get to the place where you could just turn it loose and let it go.
Doesn't sound too bad right now. Well, I knew you couldn't do it a lot because you get caught. So I just always did a lot when I did it. Didn't know I couldn't do it any other way either.
[00:10:00]
Wasn't too long after that that I had to go to war. Just because they had it. And they went to China and they stayed too long. People said you didn't want to go and it's right. I didn't, but I didn't know I didn't want to go. I was already old there. And I didn't want to go to the service. Now I knew I did, but I got to get up too early, go to bed early and they give you shots and you pass out. And they do all that crap I don't like to do.
Then when I got out, everybody always knew what I wanted to do. Everything I wanted to do wasn't what they thought I wanted to do. They said you don't want to do that. I said yeah, I want to do that. No, you don't want to do that. Then I said I don't want to do that. Yeah, you want to do that. They said you want to go to college. I said no, I don't want to go to college. Had to go to summer school to get out of high school.
I went to college because I didn't want to go. But I showed them I only got a degree. I didn't get an education. Helped me after I got here too. Then I got out of school and had to go to work. I was having some minor, I know you don't get this. I was having some minor difficulty with women. I don't know where I learned it. Only been in church and school. You put ten pretty girls up there, I'll get the sick one every time.
I only had one girl that I think might have been healthy. She only went with me two times and the third time she said no more. I knew that you had to be in love to go with women. They taught me that. Don't ever go with anybody if you're not going to be in love with them. The only thing I found to be awkward was when you were in love with a woman and you didn't have one. So I always tried to keep looking for a new one if my one deal was going bad.
The first two months of my romance was fantastic. God, it was total and we'd never be able to live without each other as long as we lived. My God, we weren't going to be able to breathe without one another. It just deteriorated from there on out. And I did that one year at a time. The greatest part of my drinking, and I say you have to drink to do this. I know I used to tell you this because you can't do it unless you're drinking.
When you taper out of the bad one into the new one. And you have to keep going back just a little. I find, I refuse to have done that. I knew somebody that did that. Well, I finally had to go to work, of course. Did not know it until I got to A, I didn't like work. That was one of my biggest problems. Having trouble living, didn't like work. It's hard to get along here, you know. And I went to work, of course, they didn't do right.
They didn't pay me properly. And they always wanted me to come to work on Mondays. You could have the flu on Thursday, didn't think a lot about it, but you never could have it on Monday. And I, they never did run it right. And I'd explain to them what they were doing it wrong. It's amazing how some of them are still operating doing it wrong. I can see why most of us are not in business. We're too smart.
I did find it dawn on me that it was always me that was leaving. Finally got out of a job. Couldn't get one. And the way I apply for jobs, I get up every morning and throw up. And then I spray and go apply for one job. By the time you fill out the form, that's a good day's work anyway. And I never like to drink before 10.30 unless I just had to, which is noon for Baptists. So I tried to get through by 10.30.
Which is noon for Baptists. So I tried to get through by 11 o'clock. And then I got drunk and I do that one day at a time. And I did that for about 10 days and nobody's hiring me and I'll go see these people I knew. And they didn't hate me. They didn't treat me badly openly. But you could just, they were going to fire me. But you could just, they were going to feel better when little Jimmy was gone.
[00:15:04]
There was just something about me they didn't tell me, but there was something about me I knew they were going to like it better once I'm out that door. So the next morning I got up, I'll just take the day off. So I went out to the golf course and ate an old egg and an old piece of toast, then I went around to where the beer joint, where my spiritual advisor lived, the only man who understood me, and he said, God, you look terrible this morning. I said, yeah, I bet you I'm coming down with something. He said, the way you look, I don't think anything's going to help you but a beer. I said, God, it's only 9.15. He said, the way you look, I don't think it makes any difference. I drank half of it and sprayed the golf course with it.
I don't mind spraying if I don't lose my concentration. You know, it irritates me when I lose my concentration and start thinking about women or something, and it gets in my nose, starts burning, you know, and the obsession, you drink the rest of the day. And I knew about meditation before I ever got here, when it's just me, God, and a commode, and it's stringy, and you don't know where the end is.
I don't meditate that deeply anymore, but used to, I'd play it right to the wire. I'm either staying or going. I told this guy, I said, I breathe out really sick, so I'm going to go home and lie down. It's easy to lie down when you're vibrating, you know. So I went home and got in the living room and had a high-level meeting. I love to have a meeting with me. We can decide any living things necessary, and know we know. And I decided, you know what I want to do? I'm going to commit suicide, and those folks are going to regret it they didn't hire me for the rest of their days. They'll never be able to get over it when they read the headlines. But I didn't know how to do it. You know, they don't teach it in church to screw either one. I don't know why they don't, half of us are going to need it, you know.
And I don't like noise of a morning, so guns are loud, besides they're messy. But I heard, this was before overdose was popular. God, I'm in the old sober up cold turkey business, you know. Suicide the cold turkey manner, because if you go that overdose field, you won't remember anything but the pump. And I remember all of my three suicides. Well razor blades were popular then, but I didn't know how you do that. So he said he cut his wrist, found him the next morning. So I said, well I know you can't do it in the living room, you get blood all over the carpet. And I'm always thinking of others.
So I went to the bathroom, got my razor blade and cut both wrists just a little bit. I thought since these other guys just cut one, I'll cut two. And I'm sitting there just listening to the drip, thinking about where I'm going. About that time the phone rang. God, I had to have another meeting. What if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was called. That'd be enough to run you crazy. So I put a band-aid on my wrist right quick.
Well, I never had done it before, you know. And after the phone, it was the police. You know how they are, they're kind of like ministers, come go along with me. Except, you know, they all have personality change. They need this program badly, but they'll never come in. Every time you start to explain to them you're not going, why, they just go crazy. Then when you tell them, hell, I'm not going, they just go nuts.
Then you have to go with them to pacify them, you know. This guy said, where were you last night? I said, I was right here. And he said, oh no, you wasn't. I said, how'd you know? And he said, we was there. Then I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I'd already learned don't talk to anybody anymore that knows more about where you've been than you do. I said, what do you want me to do? I knew they want you to do something.
They never ask you what you want them to do for them, it's what they want you to do. They've got the program all wrong. They're supposed to say, what are we supposed to do for you?
[00:20:01]
He said, well, either come down here or we'll come out there. And I said, I'll come down there. Then, you know, and I talk a little quick and then I hung up and I, well, you had another meeting. It's only 11 o'clock, I had a hell of a day, you know. No wonder we had a hard time living one day at a time. We had several days in one day. Not noon yet and I've had three days already. Died twice. Well, then I just had another meeting and I said, you know, I've got $36.
Nobody likes you here. Why don't you just leave town? Besides, you've got plenty of money to start a new career. So I just nailed the key to the folks and got in the car and left town. Then the next morning I waked up about 200 miles away and I just had $7. And then things have changed. So I called my folks. I'm just 33. I'm really thinking about getting weaned away now, but I'm going easy on it. So I called them and told them I was out riding around.
It surprised them again, even though they knew something was happening. They said, why don't you come by here? And I drove another 100 miles and did. And I never shortchanged my folks. I always gave them their money's worth. They never get their money back, so I always gave them a good show. And I love to tell the truth about me, even though it was only the way I saw it. And the way I see it, it's horrible.
And you get to listen to it and you know it's true. Then you cry at the end, which gets you $100 every time. Say, well, old Jim's honest. Let him have $100. Work. Next morning I got up and I said, well, there's one little thing I didn't tell you all. Going through all that trouble I went through in Houston, I just wanted you to know that I've been drinking some to kind of get through it. And I've decided I'll never drink again.
And I got right in that car and drove right around Fort Worth. Got right in there and I said, I think I'll go to the Rio Grande Valley. I've never been there. There's a guy I knew went down there five years ago. Unlike us, we never called to see if they're still there. And it's only a 10 and a half hour drive anyway. And I stopped at a filling station. I said, how far is it to Waco? And he said, 79 miles.
And I said, let me have three beers. It's amazing. We know right off what time of day it takes three beers to go 79 miles. And I ended up in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas. And believe me, that's the end. They changed country. They have a little creek there and right on the other side of that creek while they change languages and everything. And you can die drunk there easy. They might even let you lie there for a day or two.
But now I finally got a job down there. Three weeks that guy's gone, he'd finally got his credit where he could get out. And I still wasn't married, but I still trying. It's hard to court when you're tied up a lot. You call them about four and said, I'll see you about 730. It might be two or three days before you can get by there. And then, of course, you've forgotten why you called. And I don't know about living a life of I don't know.
You never could call back and say, did we do anything last night? So I just had to kind of live a life of I don't know. Finally, I tried to go with these two girls in case one of them was going to get well. But one of them was a little different than the other one. Sick, different, sick. I only attracted sick girls because that it always gets me in a when I see this guy. I said, why don't you go with her?
Oh, the chemistry didn't mix. I said, no, you got to have that sickness or the game doesn't work. But anyway, this girl and I fought a little. She would take advantage of me when my equilibrium wasn't good. The last fight we had was must have been terrible. I wish I could have been there because we had it in her bathroom. Same as I was leaving and she followed me to the bathroom as I was getting ready to leave and I must not have should have left.
[00:25:01]
And sure enough, I really wish I had not have tried to leave because that's a bad place to have a discussion. There's nothing in there but hard surfaces. And I think we kind of fell over in the bathtub and things like that. Just what little love spats do. The next morning I heard a knock on the door and I waked up and it must have been one of those days I was going to leave in a hurry because I still have my clothes on.
I was living in a nice place. It was an old green trailer in an alley behind a motel. But you didn't have to keep up the yard or anything because the alley was rocks. And this preacher, good friend of mine, and you know, I'd already learned how to wake up in total fright without even praying for it. And when somebody bangs on your door, well, here you come, you know, but I'm dressed for whatever it is.
I don't know what's going. And then he opens that door and I really go into total fright because ministers don't usually come to see me. And I looked down, I had blood all over my shirt and I didn't know who that was. And I seemed like my head did feel a little different, but I didn't want to feel of it because they might think I thought that was different. And he said, come go along with me. I told him I thought I ought to do something first and he thought I shouldn't.
So I didn't. They knew I didn't want to and I wanted to. We went over there and had a meeting with her and when I saw her, I said, God, she looks like she's been in something. And then I thought, I wonder where if I was there. I went in and looked in the mirror and I was there. She looked fantastic. I lost again. Well, we had a meeting and we decided it's time for me to get married and I agreed. We got married.
So I could, well, we canceled the meeting so I could get drunk and discuss it. And then we got married in the First Baptist Church. So at work at 10 o'clock in the morning with nobody drinking and I hadn't had a drink since 3 a.m. And it was a nervous condition and sit in and we got through the funeral wedding. OK, and we. But my life changed. I did not know what it was like to get up in the morning, get your coffee and cigarettes always made me gag.
So I'd smoke a cigarette, go to the bathroom and gag a morning and then go to work like normal thing. I didn't know what it was to throw up in peace. I'd grab that coffee and cigarettes and hit that bathroom and she's telling me what I am through that door. And I've got to get upset, go to work, be mad all day, run home, tell her, get drunk, run home and tell her what she was. We did that one day at a time.
My life didn't change a bit, except I just had somebody who's added some things. Our longest bet for our marriage, our friends didn't get along too well and our longest bet on our marriage was three weeks, but we showed them we hung in there for eight years. But I want to tell you something, if you don't give up, you can develop a deep hate for one another. Now, I didn't know that we finally developed such a hate for one another.
We were safe because the one that died first won. I lost that job, took me two months to find one, a guy that was a drunk like me managed a drug company. And he says, I hear you're looking for a job. Would it insult you if I asked you, would you be interested in going to work for me? I said, not at all. Nobody had asked me that yet. And he said, you don't need to come to the office, just meet me at the cafe, about 1030 we'll have breakfast.
I said, fine, it's the right time, you know. And I met him there, he said, you want a beer before breakfast? I said, one. We drank till 230, had a sandwich, went down on Padre Island on the coast, look over the territory. About 830 that night, we started to come back home and it had gotten dark and this guy wanted to demonstrate a boat to him and there's two girls there from Kansas. I invited them because I'm hospitable from Texas, you know.
We got in the boat, hit out on the bay and turned the lights out and went underneath the causeway and the lights went out. They had all looking dirt things up there and we'd run into one of them and we'd eaten it, you know, and he just clipped our heads off there and the windshield and stuff, no big deal, just normal evening. No Big Deal, Just Normal Evening, and One of the Girls Went Up There, and This Guy Went
[00:30:00]
That Way, and I Was on Top of Him, and All I'm Doing is Applying for a Job, You Know, and The Tide Took Us Back Into Shore, and Some Guy Picked Us Up, and Took Us to the Hospital, and Twenty Miles Away, and Some Idiot Called Our Wives, and My Wife Checked The Women Out First, One Woman Was Screaming Pretty Heavy, I Don't Know Why, She Broke Her Leg Two Places, and My Head Just Clipped Off There, Turned My Hair Gray, You Notice, and I Got the Job, Insurance People Checked All Three of Us in Different Hospitals Three Weeks Later, and We'd All Just Had Two Beers, and All Was Good.
That Guy Shipped Me Out to a Little Old Town in West Texas that Had Five Hundred and Thirty Six People There, Five Hundred of Them Couldn't Make a Living, and The Thirty Six Were Just Having a Big Time, and I Joined the Five Hundred. Then I Ended Up Back in Houston by a Company from Huntington, Indiana, hope they're not too close, however they know I'm an alcoholic and grateful I'm in A.A., and they hired me because I was recommended by a guy that they depended more on him than they did on me.
They didn't know why I was there, and I couldn't help them, and I didn't know what they sold, I didn't want to admit it, because they were forty-five years old, so I said, I just know I can do whatever it is you want me to do. They said, well, nobody here thinks you can, but we'll go ahead and hire you anyway, and I said, fine with me, because I need to drink, and as far as that is, eleven o'clock.
So I moved back to Houston, and it lasted nine months. I didn't know myself to be a drunk. The only thing that ever indicated I was a drunk is I got drunk once in a while, like at night, and I just said, I've got a new bunch of customers, and I'm never going to let them see me drinking, heavy, so I'd just drink a little bit, then I'd go to my favorite places that they'd still let me in, and take my checks that they had to hold, and black out and go home just like you're supposed to, and I did that for nine months, except the day before Christmas Eve of 1965, I played golf with these customers, they took my car from the golf course to their house, and I blacked out right at the house.
And the next morning I waked up in total fright, just like I'm supposed to, didn't remember what happened, always call back and say, I'm sorry about last night, I wasn't sorry about last night, I was trying to find out what happened. They never have to make amends, so you and I shall never know. And that wasn't anything any different than I'd done a thousand times. Drove, blacked out, went to a party, don't remember what happened, went to anywhere, don't remember what happened, waked up the next morning in total fright.
And I guess I heard it on the radio. But I picked up that phone book, oh, what's her name, went next door, they was going to have a party, it's Christmas Eve, and we didn't communicate anyway, you know. And I looked up in that phone book, under Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm not an alcoholic, and I called the number under Intergroup, and the only thing I knew about Intergroup, that's the reason I love to hear the word Intergroup, because it saved my life.
And I called, and this little girl acted like she was glad I called. I should have known then there was something wrong. She said, somebody will be right out. Well I waited an hour, nobody showed. About that time the phone rang, and this guy said, I'll be right there, before I could tell him I didn't need him, he hung up. And I found out later they were matching on the phone, and the one that lost was coming after me.
And it's 10.15, I look in the icebox, I've got three beers, and it's Christmas Eve, I said, well I'll just get rid of him. And then I looked through that door, and there he was, looked like a deacon, pointed nose short, looked sad, you know, and had a book under his arm, and I said, oh my God, we're going to pray and read that book. I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated 10 times. He came in, we didn't read the book, we didn't pray, and about that time we watched the name came back in, he said, you want to go with me?
And I didn't, but it's better than staying with her. So I got in the car, and just the minute we hit that freeway, I knew I'd made a mistake. I knew I'd gone off with a perfect stranger, didn't take my car, didn't even get any ID or nothing, I don't know who he is, and besides that, I'm going back in a total fright.
[00:35:00]
And I said, I'll just give him the test, I'll buy a beer, he said, I don't want a beer. I thought, God, he's not my kind of guy, and I've done it, and I waited about 15 seconds, and I said, I'm sorry, I got bad drunk last night, I've got to have a beer, and I've got to have it right now, just get over at that 7-Eleven, and get over, get off the freeway or let me out. You know, I cannot handle total fright with no light.
And he said, can you wait till we get to the club? I said, oh yeah, I can do that. And he drove, and he drove, and he drove over in kind of a bad neighborhood. Drove up in front of this old house, some of the cars looked pretty good, and the rest of them looked about like mine. I thought, well, when I get some money, I'll help these folks. And he opened the door, and there was a deacon sitting over there talking about women in the stock market, and I found out later on, didn't know anything about either woman.
And there was an old bar back there in the back, and I swear, the linoleum was old when they put it on there. And the bartender didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did. And this little short guy walked up to him and said, mix him up a little milk and honey. I said, my God, what do you put in it? I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you see, you're nervous. I said, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
And he said, besides all that, you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol, and the honey has already been digested. I said, indigestion is not my problem. I drank half of it, and it curdled and came right back up. He said, don't worry about it. We have plenty. One of the smart ones said, walk all you want to. Hell, I didn't want to walk at all. Stayed there all day long, drinking that old sweet milk and honey.
And they watch you, there are new animals in here, just watch you go back and forth. Just laugh and talk, hell, ain't nothing funny. Finally, it took me home about six o'clock, stayed there all day long. I said, let me out in front, don't let her see me. Hell, I had to go get rid of that sweet taste, that was killing me, I was sicker than a dog. And he said, don't go anywhere, I'm going to pick you up in an hour.
I said, what for? He said, oh, we're going back to a meeting. I said, where? Right back where we came from. Well, I waited, here he comes. Personality hadn't changed, but he stays in there, you know. We go on back and they have an old four hour meeting, he said it lasted an hour. Man, they're kind of funny people, you know. Some of them were kind of friendly, the rest of them, they didn't talk to each other hard at all.
Some of them were kind of sad looking, they were kind of walking, they all sat down. Then some idiot got up there and started talking, and then I didn't understand a thing he said. And then some of them laughed once in a while. Then they all got up and held hands and said the Lord's Prayer, then the whole thing exploded. God, they started hugging and kissing and laughing and everybody talking at the same time.
I said, my God, where did the Holy Spirit move in there, I didn't see that. They didn't sing nothing, any songs or nothing. I said, it must be with a held hand. Then I saw some of them laughing, men and girls, getting together and getting in those cars and taking off. And I was the only one that got invited. And I said, I've got the only deacon in town that nobody likes. And then one night it was raining, this guy called and said, I'll pick you up in about 30 minutes.
I said, it's raining.
[00:40:00]
He said, did you ever go get a drink when it's raining? I said, I'll be ready. And I've been going to their old meet every night, twice on Saturday and Sunday, every night. Nothing's happening to me except just a miserable day and they're miserable. I'm trying to get enough time so he can leave. I just want to stay with them long enough so I can quit. Then one night I said, I'm not going. So I turned out all the lights, pulled the shades, left the TV set only on, that's all.
And that phone just rang and rang and I just let her ring. Next morning he called and said, where were you last night? I said, I was right here watching television. He said, well you missed it. I said, what did I miss? He said, I don't know. I said, wasn't you there? He said, yeah. But I only heard what I was supposed to hear. You'll never know what you're supposed to hear. I said, my God, you've got to go every night, you miss it.
I went three months, every night, went out and got drunk. Three months, every night, went out and got drunk. Three months, every night, went out and got drunk. They indicated that I'd changed, had one change in my life. I've gone from a daily drinker to a periodic. When I went back the last time, I was going back just with another guy one more time. Then I was resigning from AA. I was going to tell him goodbye.
He changed everything, but I'm going on a new deal. I figured out that the only thing wrong with me, I've just always been underfinanced. If I get enough money, I'm going to be okay. After the meeting, this little shark deacon walked up to me, says, don't ever call me again. I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I didn't call you in the first place. They did. I never liked you. And if I had as bad a personality as you did, I'd go back to drinking.
And you don't have to worry about it. I'll never call you again as long as I live. And I didn't until the next morning. Then he said, meet me at the club. He said, get your coffee and sit down. Now I want you to look me straight in the eye. I've been here nine months and haven't heard one single thing. And I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous. There's absolutely no failure here.
Alcoholics Anonymous, al-anon, al-a-teen, al-a-pop, or al-a-dog, does not fail, provided you do exactly what we tell you to do, the way we tell you to do it. Then there's absolutely no failure. And you can't do it a little bit. You can't do it halfway. You've got to do it exactly the way we tell you to do it. And he said, you don't get to decide the way. You only get to make the decisions of what you're going to do.
And that is, are you going to go this way or are you going to go your way? We're going to give you a decision now to make. You're either going to do exactly what I tell you to do, the way I tell you to do it, or you're going right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you was going to do. I said, do you mean to tell me you don't care whether I want to or not?
He said, not a bit. I said, well, if you'll make it perfectly clear to everybody that I don't want to, then I'll do it. I said, what is it I'm supposed to do? He said, well, first of all, you need to know that it's just thinking that's wrong. I said, what do you mean my thinking's wrong? Well, you just think wrong. I said, how much of my thinking's wrong? He said, we always start with all of it. And if there's any any good, we'll let you know.
You Know, I said, you got to sign up there, it says thank, thank, thank, and he said, that's
[00:45:00]
for us, he said, now we're going to give you some things not to do, and the things that we give you not to do is going to change, then we're going to give you some things to do, and the things we give you to do, you're just going to add to, then it's going to happen over here, I said, what's going to happen over there, he said, we don't know, I said, if you don't know, he said, we just don't know what, we just know it always happens, I said, I don't understand anything you're telling me, he said, now you got it, don't ever forget it, I said, there's two things that you're going to remember for the rest of your days, no matter what's going on in your life, you do not understand, don't try to understand, and you'll enjoy not understanding, and then you'll begin to have understanding, and the other thing is, no matter what's going on in your life, no matter what your situation is, it's never them, and it's never her, and it's never God, it's you that needs to become different, no matter what your situation is, you need to become different in your situation, but when you begin to do what we tell you not to do, and to do the way we tell you, and begin to know that you don't know, then you'll begin to know, I said, hell, you're crazy, and he said, I know, I said, okay, what is it you want me to do, he said, first we've got to show you how not to do something, you do not know how to not do anything, and that's the first time I didn't know that I knew, that I did not know how to do anything, he said, now the way, he said, you know my number that I gave you on that little card and four other guys, and the club, and intergroup number, I said, yeah, when you get squirrelly, definitely before you take a drink, you call one of those numbers, now if you've got it through, don't call, you didn't do it right, you've got to make the call, or go to the club, or go to the intergroup, but you've got to make the call when you get squirrelly so it'll work, he said, now that's going to change.
Now what we're going to do, we're going to get up in the morning, and I want you to get out on your knees, and I want you to say these words, and these words only, God take me today, and let me be what you want me to be, let thy will only be done in my life, help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind changing drug today, amen. You don't need to tell God anything else, he can handle everything on his own, you don't have to give him any instructions or anything.
And call me before you go to the bathroom, I said, why before I go to the bathroom? You may not need to go. I said, do you mean to tell me that you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? He said, we'll find out. So I got up the next morning, and I said, God, you know that he don't know. Hell, he's a Presbyterian. But we're going to do it just exactly like he said, so from now on, we can tell him after it's over, we did it just like you said, and it didn't work.
So I got down on my knees and did the deal and called him and he said, go to the bathroom, meet me at the club. He didn't even ask me where I wanted to go or nothing. Met him at the club and said, go to work. I said, I didn't even go to work yet. He said, why? I felt bad. He said, what'd you do? I said, sit in the chair. He said, think? I said, yeah. He said, see, gotta watch that thinking. And I said, well, how am I going to keep from thinking what I'm thinking when I'm thinking?
He said, oh, just don't go by it, call me first. He said, you probably don't know how to go to work. I said, how do you do it? Go get in the car. I said, oh.
[00:50:08]
I caught on right quick, but I got out of that chair and got in the car and could have gone to work. Met him back at the club, five o'clock. You know how they are. Get your coffee and sit down right before everybody. You know how to do that, but they ain't got to tell you. And when you're almost getting comfortable, he says, go home and eat and come back to the meeting. Before everybody. So you go home and eat and come back to the meeting.
And after the meeting, he said, now I want you to go home and get on your knees and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God for the day. It's been a miserable damn day. I hate you. I hate me. And I hate everything with it. I hate God. I hate anything I can hate. And nobody likes her. He said, do you feel that you're not sincere? Yeah, and I'm not going to be hypocrite either. He said, remember, we're not depending on the way you think or feel at all.
It's only the action that you're taking that you don't even know you're taking. It's going to make you different. It's never the thinking. It's only going to be the action. And you're always acting against your thinking. And you don't even know what the action is going to give you when you're done. I said, do you mean to tell me nobody cares what I think about it? And he said, not at all. So I just went home, got on my knees and said, OK, by God, God, thank you for a miserable damn day.
Amen. God don't care. He don't care. Hell, I don't care. I did it just the way they told me for about two months. And then I was driving down the 610 loop in Houston about 915 one morning. And this God that knowingly I'd never known as a friend moved in that car with me. And for the first time in my life, I knew him to be my friend. And for the first time in my life, I knew I knew something. I knew I knew I would never have to drink again unless I insisted upon it.
And I had a beautiful, my first beautiful day in Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn't wait for that character to get back to that club. He was 20 minutes late. And I thought, now, you know, we'll get some tamarins and a tent and we'll go save some souls. I thought the rest of my life is going to be like this. This is what I've been looking for. Just as soon as he walked through that door, I said, get your coffee and sit down.
They don't like that and they look a little funny, but he did it. Then I told him what the deal was. Told him how fantastic it was and what God had done by coming into my life today. And he said, grinned a little, not much. And said, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. He said, some are sicker than others. Well, I said, what are you going to do about old Watrenay?
They'd taken her to Al-Anon and they were depressing. Thank God, love Al-Anon's ever since. Took her to two AA meetings and she said, why don't you stay on beer, you'll be okay. And he said, I'm not going to mess with you through that. Because I believe in my marriage just like it is, not going to mess with it. I said, but I'm going to send you the guy that's got it all worked out. And I went to that guy.
He was Episcopalian, you know, which really doesn't know either. And he said, I'll tell you one thing. He said, you know that lonesome walk you kind of made when you didn't fit in AA, and you didn't fit back out there, and just kind of a lonesome time, just you walking through it. I said, yeah. He said, if you're willing to make those walks. He said, I'll not only guarantee your relationship with a woman, it'll be the one you had, or a new one, and won't be any different.
I said, half the people that are married in AA are married right. Some shouldn't be married at all. He said, we use the master counselor only here. And we have the way for you to find out. And they're ready to have a relationship with another human being. And I told him I wanted it with just one. I wanted to know whether I could have it or not. He said, if you're willing to make that lonesome walk, I'll guarantee you, you'll become a husband and a person who can live with another human being,
[00:55:01]
either one you've got or another one. And I'll give you a bonus. You'll also have a relationship with your fellow man you could never have dreamed possible. And we'll give you a bonus of relationship with God you could not ever imagine. I said, I don't believe any of that. He said, isn't it great? I said, what? You don't need to. I said, what are we going to do? He said, well, to live, you need to learn this anyway.
No matter who you're going to live with, we're never going to tell her what's wrong with her ever again. I said, who's going to tell her? Somebody's got to tell her. He said, well, I don't know, but you're not. And you're never going to do anything to work her around, to get her to be or do like you want her to do or be. I said, never. He said, never. And you're going to pray for her. I said, I'm not.
He said, yes, you are. You're going to say, God, thy will be done for her as well as for you. Take our relationship and let it become what you want it to be. You may have to do that several times a day. I had a bad case. Every morning I'd just get up and leave the house. I couldn't tell her hello. We can't tell her what we're doing. So I just had to leave. Because I didn't know what to say to her. And she didn't know what to answer.
She had it ready, but we didn't get to do it. About two months later, it all surfaced. I had had two sick girls picked out. Had explained to them that I was not sleeping with what's her name. They would not let me go with the girls I had picked out or any girl. I said, I'm not sleeping with her. And I know this is the one. I can tell. She's been sober a week, you know. You know, this is the first time I was ever where they had the sick girls grouped.
I used to have to go look for them, you know. But they wouldn't let me do it. Wouldn't let me start up anything. Wouldn't let me do anything. Go to meetings. Go to work. That's all. After about two months, that thing surfaced that was in me and I don't know what it is. I don't know what you call it. Love, lust, whatever it was. But I've had that with women all my life. And I told him and told him and told him every day, every day, every day, every day.
And nothing happened and I hurt and I told the group. And they didn't do any good. Must not have had any contact or nothing. So I slipped over and told another group. And one of them snitched on me. You know, we don't gossip in AA. We're just concerned. And then he said, we've heard about all of old what's her name. And we've heard about all your things that we've had about. We're just sick of you.
And we want you to go home and you get in that room and you lock that apartment. And don't you let anybody in there. And don't you talk to anybody on that phone. So you and God get rid of that. And I went in there and stayed all day long and all night and cussed and prayed and cried and did everything. And next morning I wasn't there. And there's never a time. Then I knew about my marriage. We just didn't have anything.
When the sickness was gone, it was gone. We used the same lawyer and four or five people in AA to help Jim quit. He was scared. You know, I'd never live without misery. I didn't know what to do. Scared you to death. My God, what if you had a good day all day? And night. We used the same lawyer. And I'd been calling on a girl as a customer in the hospital. And I said one day, I said, you know, that might be the type of girl I've always been looking for.
But I didn't know anything. We went to a convention and were accused of going together. And I got those funny feelings again, except they were different. And I went to her and I said, we've got a problem. She said, we've got to go to your office. She said, what's wrong? They'd already told me never to associate with anybody that I didn't establish one thing. That no matter what was going to be in my life, I wanted God to be the head of it.
No matter what it was in any relationship or anything. God was to be the head of whatever I was involved with in my life. And we talked about God and work and that's all. I didn't know anything about her. Know what she did or what their marriage status was or anything. And I said, I think I've fallen in love with you and my sponsor will not let me have an affair. Doctor Will Not Let Me Have an Affair, and that's funny, coming from a 45-year-old gray-headed man, and I said, I might as well tell you the rest of it, I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous and I go to meetings every single night and twice on Saturday and Sunday, they don't let
[01:00:02]
me do one single thing but work and go to AA, it's all AAD, they don't let you do anything but work. She said, what's it all about? Well, I don't know. I said, I'll have to call my sponsor. You know, they smoke a lot and complain because their eyes burn and they pray and cuss some and then they cry and then they drink too much coffee and fuss because they can't sleep at night, you know what? And I call the sponsor and he says, what have you been doing? I said, nothing, haven't done nothing. He said, bring her over here. I took her over there and we got out of that and went into one of those little ones of meals and he talked, you know how they do you, just sit down there, sonny, just sit down, we'll take care of the whole thing, you don't need to get involved, we'll handle it, you're just a kid, you know? And he talked to her for an hour and a half. I thought, hell, I believe he's going with her. And he said, well, God might be going to do something for you. And I'm ready to go now, you know? All you got to do is just go sign old Dick's name. I know how to get them started, just getting the light, I've been on caution for two years, you know? He said, no, we're just going to leave him alone. She doesn't know anything about alcoholism, she knows nothing about Al-Anon, and you know that unless you have God, AA, and Al-Anon in your home, you can't have it. We agreed on that before we started.
I said, that's right. Brain damage set in again. I couldn't keep from telling her how to go to the first Al-Anon meeting, because I knew there'd never been one. I said, just go in there and tell them your name's Eloise and don't tell them another thing. She needed to tell them something else. Told them she was going with an alcoholic, might even get married, didn't know what was going to happen. They took them to meetings to explain to her about alcoholics and why she shouldn't be going with an alcoholic. I took her to an open meeting across town and she heard the woman alcoholic, and she heard the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. She went back to that Al-Anon meeting and said, you have a program and I want it. I now have that relationship that only God gives a man and a woman, and we do have God, AA, and Al-Anon living in our home, and it's totally free. She had three children. The older one was a Southern Baptist minister. We did not have to worry about seeing him for quite a while. He got the message early that his mother had divorced, of course, he knew about that, but he got the message that she had married an alcoholic. So we didn't see him for the first couple of years, and he came in with a wife and a little daughter and was kind of cool. I gave them the book about Alcoholics Anonymous in the 12 and 12.
They thought we were claiming salvation in the big book, but he liked the 12 and 12. They're kind of student type people. But his little daughter jumped up in my lap and said, Papa Jim, I love you, and broke that ice. He's now a missionary in Venezuela. He's called and he's coming in Christmas and going to stay with us. The second boy, all he wanted to know, he had two children, and here I am just barely becoming, knowing how to be a husband, let alone be the father and a grandfather all in one shot. I had to go back to my sponsors, and he's trying to teach me how to be one of those. This one boy just came over and brought these two kids and his wife, and he just loves his mother, didn't care what she did, as long as she was happy. He saw her happy, didn't question a thing, except that one little old boy was about three and a half, and I could see he was going to be the only thing in the family that was going to tear it up. He was tearing things up, and nobody seemed to be able to do anything with him. And I thought, well, there's a pool out there. We could have an accident, and then the family's going to all be better off. But fortunately, I checked with my sponsor first, and he said, No. Grandfathers don't do that. No, I just didn't know how to do it. Five years later, that little boy came in, and he loves his grandmother, and she loves him. He's the only grandson. And he came in and said, Tonight I'm going to sleep with Papa Jim. No, no, I don't know where you're going to sleep. The daughter had a horrible personality. Just terrible. Beautiful, slender, little blonde girl. Just beautiful and terrible. Running around with her first love, got married to somebody else, and she ran around with this old boy with a beard, long hair, and smoked pot. Finally, Eloise and Alon handled that. They didn't do it right, but they handled it. And she let her go.
[01:05:06]
Six months after that, he cleaned up and shaved, and they got married, and he went back to college, got his degree. Two years ago in February, they had their first baby, and they called. I had Eloise down there during that time, and they called for me to come down to get her, and when I got there, this girl's personality was just delightful. She's a sweet girl. Just great to be around, and she said, I want you to see this little girl, and I want you to try to make sure you see her every two months, because I want her to know who her grandfather is.
The boy had lost his dad probably from alcoholism about 12 years ago, and he told me Thanksgiving three years ago, he said, you know, I'm just going to tell you this. You're the only father that I've ever had, and if it hadn't been talking to you on the phone and knowing how to live, even though we only went to meetings with you, the AA program, we've been doing that ever since you and I have been talking while I was in university. I'm grateful to know that I know some things about you and I today, that God sent you and I to be together. We didn't do it on our own, and that nothing was ever going to be any different in my life until I got to you, and that my life up through this moment had to be just the way it was. I used to think if I'd have made that turn instead of that one, my life could have been different. It was not, could not only not have been different, was not supposed to be any different. To know that my life could never have been any different, and to know that I know today the only thing that was wrong with me, I did not know until I stayed with you a while, that you and I were chosen to be together, and they were God's chosen people. And that's the thing that I could not live with until I began to know that I know that God chose you and I to be his. I don't know about anybody else, I just know about you and I.
And I know that there's one thing that's over all things, and that wins all the games, and you and I are going to have to lose lots of battles, but we're winning the game. Just reversing the way I used to live. And to know today that the one thing that God gives us with all the power and all the strength and all that we need and all we ever look for is that one ingredient that we had the moment we walked through. And you tricked me into it.
You tricked me into loving a guy who wasn't lovable. And I didn't know that's what I was doing, just as you loved me when I wasn't, and still do. But the difference is you. That I know today that it's impossible for a human being to have a relationship with God without a relationship with his fellow man. And see, I had to have that. And I know today that a man is not going to miss the whole thing living on this earth if he does not find his ministry and you and I have been given ours. But the difference is you, just like it is right now.
When I stay with you long enough to feel God loving me, and at times me loving him back, but the difference is still you, just like it is right now. And I can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much. Well, Jim, it would be presumptive of me to try to make any comment on that. That was a most fantastic lead. And we are all deeply grateful to you this morning. I thought I knew you a little bit since we've been associated since Friday afternoon.
But I, and I'm sure everybody else, knows you very well indeed. And we'd like to know more about you. You're just a wonderful person. Will you all stay now until we get ready to say the Lord's Prayer? Before we say the Lord's Prayer, we do have a couple of gifts for Jim. This is a copy of the original script of the fifth chapter that they read last night. And that's from the Founders Day Committee. Now from the Founders Day group, and let me open this up for you.
[01:10:07]
We also have a little gift. And this, if I may show it to the audience, is a beautiful hand-tooled cover of the big book. And it reads, in grateful appreciation to Jim W. for his outstanding contribution to the Founders Day Breakfast Group, June 22nd, 1980, Akron, Ohio, 1935-1980. And it goes with all our love. Now, as most of you know who have attended breakfast before, we have always had Father Charles from Wheeling to close our meeting. But the Lord called him home, so we are going to miss him sadly. I know I miss him. I had a lot of fun with him, and he was a very lovable man and spent 52 years in the service of the Lord.
So we'll all mourn his passing. But as I mentioned this morning, Father Osborne has graciously agreed to close the meeting for us this morning, and believe me, we are deeply grateful to him. Father Osborne. We all hold hands, please. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. Amen. Oh, if I can have your attention one more time. May I have your attention once more, about the tapes. I have the information, the right information. Cassettes will be made on high-speed copies at the rate of two per minute, 124 hours. They'll be available immediately following closing of this meeting at the Bulger Hall Lobby. Order blanks are available, and you may order tapes for future delivery at the same location.
There will be additional order stations operating, one in Robertson Hall, and one in the lobby of the East-West Hilltop Dining Room, just outside the door. It is suggested you obtain your tapes as the meetings proceed, as this is the only way we can meet the demand.