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Source: Jack C – From Hagerstown, Maryland – Date Unknown.mp3 File: jack-c-from-hagerstown-maryland-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:16:51
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The person the committee had asked to speak, Jack, I've gotten to know over the last day. I've been asked more questions and have heard more interesting stories in the last day than I've ever heard in my whole life. Jack, I met him yesterday. He needed to go to the bank and on the way over I was telling him about Erie. How small it is and nice and quiet it is. For the most part, quiet. And in the meantime, from the time we got to the bank, which was just a block and a half way to the way back, two screaming motorcycles went down State Street. The helicopter, the med helicopter, went right overhead.
And a fire truck went over 10th Street, screaming over 10th Street. But other than that, it is a quiet community. And when I said that I haven't heard more interesting stories in a lifetime, I really mean it. They were very interesting stories and I want to hear the rest of it. And with that, I'll introduce you to Jack. Well, good evening everyone. My name is Jack and I am an alcoholic. And I come to you this evening from Hagerstown, Maryland, where I am a member of the cleverly named Hagerstown Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Our group is the third oldest group in the state of Maryland. And when our group was begun, if you had a town and you established an AA meeting, it took the name of the town. I don't know what happened here in Erie. Maybe there's an Erie group, maybe there's not, I don't know. But there's a Hagerstown group and I'm a member in good standing of that group. And by that I mean that when our group meets, if I'm in Hagerstown, I am in attendance.
We meet on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, and at this time our group is just about wrapping up their 8 o'clock meeting. I have a sponsor, I sponsor people, I have a service commitment to my home group. Let me say at the outset, I think there are a total of 8 speakers here this weekend, and up to this point they've been very, very good. And I know Eric tomorrow and he'll be super. I think 7 out of 8 is not bad.
But Bill back here, he's got an album of all speakers for $60. Or you can buy the 6 that you've heard already and Eric tomorrow and pay $70. If you pay $60, you'll get Eric and me, as well as the other 6 that you've heard. Sounds like a bargain to me. If you buy all of them individually, $80. If you buy them collectively, $60. What a deal. I want to thank Charlie here, and Dave, and the committee for allowing John to call me to invite me to come be a part of this weekend.
John's not here. I think it's very important, however, that you know who is responsible for my being here, and so I'm going to make it Charlie. Since he's here. And the reason I think it's important that you know who's responsible for my being here is that if I say something that offends you during the next two and a half hours that we're together, you take that up with Charlie. He's the person responsible.
Now, if I say something that you approve of, well, please, by all means, see me after the meeting. I really can use those atta boys. My mom is going to be 97 years old next Wednesday, and she was married to my alcoholic father for 30 years.
[00:05:10]
Now, I tell you that not because it has anything to do with my being an alcoholic, but it does, I think, qualify my mom to have some background experience and information concerning what is or isn't an alcoholic. And I went over to see my mom on Thursday to let her know that I was going to be here Friday and Saturday, and I'd be back in time for her bedtime on Sunday night. And she said, are you going to go talk to another one of those AA things?
And I said, yes, ma'am, I am. She said, well, you make sure that you tell those people that you are not an alcoholic. I kind of like to listen to my mom. After all these years, it'll be about time. And besides, she does have some unique qualifications to make that judgment. And she could very well be right, and I may have overreacted to this whole thing. And we're going to try to develop some information to see if we can come to a conclusion whether I'm here under false colors or not.
Now, before we start doing that, Dave mentioned something about cell phones and beepers. If there is somebody in this room with a beeper, see me after the meeting. Because we can sell that puppy to the Smithsonian. I have attended every speaker meeting, beginning with the early meeting last night. And that announcement has been made at every meeting. I heard it. Now, if you're alcoholic like I'm alcoholic, I don't like being told what to do.
And quite frankly, if I am told what to do, I will generally do the opposite. So if you tell me to come here, I'll walk away. You tell me to stand up, I'll sit down. So if you're alcoholic like I'm alcoholic, and you're here tonight, and you've got a cell phone with you, turn that puppy on. Obviously, asking you to turn them off hasn't worked yet. Particularly if you're expecting a liver transplant, for sure, turn it on.
We don't want you to miss that. But maybe you don't. Turn it on. We don't want you to miss that. But maybe if you could, if you'd be so kind, put your cell phone on vibrate. And that way you can enjoy your incoming call, and you won't disturb the rest of us. You know, the speakers who have spoken before me have said just about everything that needs to be said about drinking. I love to drink. I love everything about drinking.
In fact, I never have quit drinking. I'm just not drinking today. And I love the effect produced by alcohol. As soon as I saw that phrase in the doctor's opinion, I knew exactly what they were talking about. You're here, you're an alcoholic, I'm sure you identify with that too. I mean, why would you drink if you weren't going to get the effect produced by alcohol? One of the reasons a lot of us quit is because we drink a half a quart of vodka and nothing happens.
That's a bad place to be. So, I love the effect produced by alcohol. And for the obvious reasons. I mean, it was the elixir of life. It allowed me to do things I couldn't do when not drinking. It permitted me to change my perception of reality. It allowed me to move in a world that I could not move in when I was not drinking. I used to say that drinking never affected me when I was young. But as a result of good sponsorship, I am required to tell you that I spent five years in high school.
I thought it was a series of bad breaks and misunderstandings that prevented me from launching into the academic world. That I was going to have a solid academic foundation before I got started. But it turns out it was really the booze. It was the drinking. But I will tell you that after I got out of high school, I went to the community college. And at the community college, my good friend Bill and I, we had decided to take a road trip one summer.
[00:10:01]
And we were going to drive from Hagerstown to California. And so we got 12 cases of beer and put them in the back seat of my car. We each packed an overnight bag. I quit my job. We had everything you needed to go to California. It didn't have a map, but I mean, you just go west. You'll get there. And the night before we were to leave, his father told him he couldn't go. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
Well, Bill was a stand-up guy, and he did give me his half interest and 12 cases of beer. So, okay, there I am in Hagerstown. I quit my job. It's the beginning of August. I got 12 cases of beer. You know in Maryland, we've got on the easternmost border of Maryland is on the Atlantic Ocean. We have a resort community called Ocean City. I took my 12 cases of beer and my pocket full of money from quitting my job, and I went to Ocean City.
Where I lived as a bum for a month. Stayed in the basement of hotels where I knew people who were bellhops and desk clerks. Ate leftover restaurant food, uneaten crab cake, half a lobster tail. Didn't have to pay anything for room. Didn't have to pay anything for board. I had my 12 cases of beer to drink and a pocket full of money to buy more beer when that beer ran out. I had a great month in Ocean City.
I enjoyed myself so much in Ocean City that I determined that the following summer I wanted to work in Ocean City. But it became apparent to me that if you drank like I drank and behaved like I behaved when drinking, there was a real good chance of getting arrested. I mean, it didn't matter if you were a lifeguard or a beach boy or a waiter or a waitress, bartender, desk clerk. It didn't matter. You drank like I drank, acted like I acted, get arrested.
However, I am a keen observer of my surroundings, and I became aware that there were a group of people working in Ocean City who drank like I drank, acted like I acted when drinking, and they were not getting arrested. And these were the members of the Ocean City Police Department. So I became a police officer. Within a week of my beginning that summer job as a police officer, it became apparent that I do possess a very unique talent.
And that is I can spot an underage drinker from about 100 yards. And I would pick out my target of opportunity. I would approach him or her. I would establish that, indeed, they were underage. And I would inquire as to what was in the cooler. And they would explain to me that they had some Coca-Cola there in the crushed ice with a little Tupperware thing full of tuna fish and a half a loaf of bread.
Would you mind opening up the cooler? And they'd lift the lid, and there was the Coca-Cola, a nice even row in the crushed ice, a little Tupperware thing. That's the tuna fish, a half a loaf of bread. I'd reach way down into the bottom of that cooler. Invariably, I'd come up with a Budweiser. Now, if you're that underage drinker, your life as you have known it has just ended. I know. You think you're going to go to college.
But you're not. You're going to go to jail. You're going to go to the Ocean City Jail. Now. And when that college that admitted you finds out that you've been in the Ocean City Jail, they're not going to want anything to do with you. Now, maybe a military career is something you're looking at. Let me tell you something, monkey. The United States military has got more than enough people like you. They don't need another one.
They find out you've been in the Ocean City Jail, you're toast. As a matter of fact, I'm going to call your mom and dad back in Baltimore at 3 o'clock this morning. And I'm going to tell them that you are locked up in the Ocean City Jail. What's that? You wanted to offer a compromise? What did you have in mind? Confiscate the beer. Well, that's certainly worthy of consideration. But you do understand that if I confiscate the beer, I'm taking the cooler.
And if I take the cooler, I'm taking the Coca-Cola and the tuna fish. You're okay with that. All right. Well, you're going to have to promise me that you are never, ever going to do something like this again in Ocean City. You promise? Okay. You're free to go. It's real hard to walk a beat when you're dragging a cooler on your back. It's real hard to walk a beat when you're dragging a cooler full of beer around behind you.
[00:15:03]
So I had to work out a deal with my sergeant and my lieutenant that they come and collect the coolers as I accumulated them. And we would meet at the end of the shift and if I got any wine or whiskey, I'd give it to the lieutenant and sergeant and I'd take the coolers and the beer and the Coca-Cola and the tuna fish and I had a great summer that summer. I drank every day. I didn't buy anything to drink the entire summer and I did not get arrested.
It's my idea of a good summer. Went back for a second summer. Second summer I worked there, they gave me a squad car. Yeah, lights and sirens. One of them big old Ford Crown Victorias. You ever look in the trunk of one of them things? You can get three bodies or five coolers in the trunk of a Crown Vic. Really didn't need my lieutenant and sergeant like I had the previous year but they maintained a keen interest in my activities and I'd meet them at the end of every shift and if I got any whiskey or wine, I gave it to them and I took the coolers and the beer.
And if you come down to Ocean City that summer and you were a friend of mine or even if you weren't a friend of mine, if you were a friend of a friend of mine and you needed a cooler, I'm your guy. I got coolers stacked up to the ceiling of my back porch. I got no return policy. Pick out the one you want, have a great time while you're here in Ocean City and try not to get arrested. I had a great summer that summer. I drank every day.
I didn't buy anything to drink the entire summer and I didn't get arrested. This is working out good. Went back for a third summer. Now keep in mind, it's going to get better, I promise. I hate it when they just get up and walk out at the beginning. You probably noticed I get easily distracted. Okay, well you came back, that's good. Lost my place, Charlie. Were you listening? You weren't listening, were you?
Okay, my name is Jack, I am an alcoholic. Went back for a third summer. I'm going to tell you a story, an incident that happened and changed the entire course of my life. Keep in mind, I'm a college kid. I finished a community college, I'm now at the University of Maryland, College Park. I joined a fraternity, not an academic fraternity, no surprise to you, I know. Kind of a big question mark as to whether or not I'm going to graduate.
This is because my blood alcohol content and my grade point average are running neck and neck. Undecided what I might do, should I graduate, if I graduate. Don't have any plans for the future, none whatsoever. I'm working now my third summer in Ocean City. It's 3 o'clock in the morning, I got this guy stopped on the Ocean Highway. He's obviously drunk, I got him out of the car. I'm writing him up and he says to me, You don't know who I am, do you officer?
No sir, I sure don't. He said, I am the state's attorney for Worcester County. The county that you're standing in right now. I don't know what a state's attorney is. I never heard of a state's attorney. I don't have the slightest idea what a state's attorney does. Well good for you, signed a ticket. So he signed a ticket. Guy with him appeared to be sober or fit to drive, so I let him drive. They went on their way.
I finished up my shift, went to the parking lot of the Ocean City Police Department. There was the chief of police. He says to me, come up to my office and bring that uniform citation book with you. Now these were the first words the chief had spoken to me all summer. I'm about to get recognition for a job well done. Long overdue recognition I might add. So I took my ticket book and I went up to the chief's office.
And when I walked into his office, much to my surprise, seated on the couch right inside the door, there was a guy I gave the ticket to at 3 o'clock in the morning. Chief says, give me that ticket book. Gave it to him. He flips it open. Gives it to the guy on the couch. Guy on the couch takes out a pen and writes across the face of that ticket, Case Dismissed. And signs his name.
[00:20:00]
It was at that moment that I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. And if I could be one of them state's attorneys, if you drank and drove like I drank and drove, the ability to dismiss traffic charges with a stroke of a pen was going to come in mighty handy. So I went to law school. Now while at College Park at the university, I did meet my wife. There goes another one. And my wife, we were fixed up on a blind date.
My roommate was dating her roommate and they fixed us up. We went to a fraternity party and there was drinking going on. And my wife, I mean my then blind date, drank copious quantities of beverage alcohol. And at the end of the evening I took her back to the sorority house and we parted company. And as I walked over to the fraternity house, it occurred to me that this is the first girl that I have dated since I've been in college who did not throw up in my car.
This woman's a keeper. So we got married. When I got out of law school, we moved back to my hometown Hagerstown and I began to practice law. Six, eight weeks into the practice of law, the state's attorney's office was looking for an assistant state's attorney. I went right over. Here I am, answer to your prayers. When would you like me to start? Now what I'm about to tell you is what I thought I heard them say.
I have a perception problem. I hear things that have never been said. I see things that never happened. But this is what I thought I heard them say. What? Are you some kind of an idiot? You just got out of law school. You've never been in a courtroom. You've never tried a case. You've never impaneled a jury. You've never made an opening statement or closing argument. You've never examined or cross-examined a witness.
We don't have any time to train you. Get out of the office. That's what I thought I heard them say. But now, as a result of good sponsorship, I believe they said something like the position has been filled. But I heard what I heard. And I doubt that this will surprise too many of you that I am a very sensitive person. And I do not suffer well. And I left there very upset. My feelings were hurt. I was angry.
In fact, I left there with a resentment. And in Maryland, like here in Pennsylvania, we elect our prosecutors. So I went out and found a lawyer who wanted to be state's attorney. I ran his campaign to be state's attorney. And when he got elected state's attorney, he made me deputy state's attorney. Charlie, I'm going to put my watch up here. Not because I can really see it or pay any attention to it, but I just think it gives hope to the newcomer.
When you get to be deputy state's attorney, they give you a badge. And when you get a badge, they give you a badge case. And in that badge case, they got a clear plastic window. You put your driver's license behind it. And when they pull you over and they ask to see your license and registration, you just show them your badge case. They don't look at your driver's license. They want to know about the badge.
Oh, the badge officer? Deputy state's attorney, Washington County. No, sir. No, sir, I am not upset that you stopped me. No, sir. No, you're just doing your job. I could have had six or seven tonight, yeah. Well, you know, I don't have that far to go, no. Maybe a mile. Sure, I can stay on my side of the road. No problem. Well, thank you very much. I very much appreciate the professional courtesy which you are extending to me.
Some of you are getting a little insight into why I've never been arrested, had an alcohol-related offense. But it gets better. My boss, the state's attorney, he was going to get appointed circuit court judge. If he got appointed circuit court judge, I'm going to get appointed state's attorney. So sometimes in Maryland,
[00:25:01]
though, I'm sure it happens here in Pennsylvania, local state senator sticks his nose in where it doesn't belong, screws everything up, and somebody else gets appointed. Well, I was disappointed for my friend. But I was some kind of upset that I didn't get to be state's attorney. I may not be much, but I'm all I think about. And one night, while having some adult beverages with some like-minded individuals, it was determined that something had to be done about that state senator.
Somebody had to run against him. Somebody had to teach him a lesson. We need to get a volunteer. Who would be willing to do it? So I ran for the state senate. I did not know that the state senator was going to run off with the secretary from the appropriations committee, abandon his wife and children, and move to Florida. But he did, and I got elected state senator. Now in Maryland, when you get elected state senator, they give you a license plate, and it says, State Senator.
This is an aid to efficient law enforcement. Because when they come up behind you on the interstate, and they got those overheads going on, and they get close enough to see that license plate, they turn those overheads off. And they come up alongside of you, and they turn the interior dome light on, and they toot. Beep, beep. Aye, Senator. Aye, Trooper. Hold it down, Senator. Okay, Trooper. And that way, you don't have members of the Maryland State Police tied up alongside the highway with members of the General Assembly when they can be out arresting real crooks.
Well, the guy got appointed circuit court judge. He didn't like the job, so he quit. I went to see the governor. Governor, I'd like you to appoint my friend, the state's attorney, I'd like you to appoint him circuit court judge. Governor said, can't do it. Too much adverse publicity associated with that last judicial appointment up there in Hagerstown, so I cannot, I will not appoint your guy. However, if you'd like to be circuit court judge, I'll appoint you.
Well, it's a 15-year term in Maryland, and we only had two in our community, so I became a circuit court judge. Scary, isn't it, Dave? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did I mention I like to drink? Did I mention that? I'm drinking alcoholically all through this. I mean, I love to drink. I love everything about drinking. I'm a barroom drinker. I love neon lights. I love the ambiance of barroom drinking. I like the way the light in a bar reflects into the back bar mirror, and then comes forward through the various shaped bottles. You know, the tall, thin bottles, and the round bottles, and the short squat bottles, the square bottles. I personally favor square bottles, because when you slam on the brakes, they will not roll out from underneath the seat.
I like the color of the liquids in the bottles, the clears, the darks, the yellows, the greens, the browns, the tans. I love salt dust on the floor. I love peanut shells. I love the smell of stale beer and urine. I love it all. And I'm drinking alcoholically through all of this. Through all of this. Alright? Okay. Love. Love to drink. I like top shelf. I'll drink bottom shelf. I like imported, but I will drink I prefer a twist-off cap, but if all you got has got a cork in it, I'll work with that.
[00:30:09]
I like, you know, right now it's starting to warm up a little bit, you know, we're going to be breaking out our Tom Collins glasses, those tall, thin, frosted glasses, special for warm weather drinking, I love that. I love the short, squat, old-fashioned glasses. I like the stemware of drinking, I like the fluted glasses for the gin martini. I have to admit at one time I had a love affair with the gin martini, but I had a really, really bad gin experience, and to this day it is difficult for me to go into a pine forest.
My beverage of choice was Jack Daniel's Black Label and Crushed Ice with a Twist of Lemon. That was to die for. But if you came up to me and you shoved a brown paper bag at me and you said, here, Judge, take a pull on this, I would not ask you what was in that bottle, because you would not have offered it to me if it wasn't good. You wouldn't offer it to me if it wasn't good. And, you know, I love the entertaining aspect of drinking, having people over to the house to watch a ball game or play some cards or whatever, but, you know, then the people, they go, they leave, and they leave empty cans around, you know, now you've got to pick up all the cans and stuff, and, ooh, this has got a little something in it, and, pooh!
Oh, man, what was that? You're right. Cigarette butt. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, come on now. I know there are more cigarette butt drinkers in here than that. Oh, yeah. You don't have to hold your hands up. I know you're in here. I love everything about drinking. Everything. April the 7th, 1982, a local attorney and I were going out to get drunk. I told my wife we were going out to dinner, but we were going out to get drunk.
This was not one of those occasions when I was negligently over-served. This was an occasion when the goal and objective was to get knee-walking, snot-flying drunk, and we did. And we ended up at a local honky-tonk, and had I known that this was going to be my last drink of beverage alcohol, I can assure you that I would have ordered something else. And if I'd have had any inkling whatsoever that I was going to be invited to come to the 37th Erie Area Spring Conference and discuss with you my last drink of beverage alcohol, I would have definitely ordered something else, because as you are about to hear, there is a good deal of embarrassment and a certain amount of shame associated with what I am required to tell you.
And that is that my last drink of beverage alcohol was Tia Maria. How do you think I feel? Well, I can tell from looking on the faces of some of you, you don't have a clue as to what Tia Maria is. Well, let me share something with you. You don't need to know. If you're here tonight and you don't know, you don't need to know. I mean, you're an Alcoholics Anonymous, so just stay here. Are you thinking about going out on another run? Don't you go out for Tia Maria.
I don't want you coming down to Hagerstown to complain to me about your bad experience with Tia Maria. Hear me now. This is Alcoholics Anonymous. We're safe here. We're safe here. Out there, people are dying tonight. We're in here. We're safe here. Nothing's going to happen to us here. Here, we learn to live a new way of life. Here, we have a design for living that really works for the alcoholic. Out there, we die. Stay here.
Trust me on this. You do not want to know anything about Tia Maria. My wife's an elementary school teacher. I don't know about the elementary school children here in Erie, but my guess is they're just like the ones in Hagerstown. They're germ-encrusted, those little kids. They've got germs all over them. Teacher goes, teaches them little kids. Germs jump off little kids onto the teacher. Teacher goes home. Germs jump off teacher onto spouse of teacher.
Next day I get up, I got flu. Flu! Unbelievable. But I go to work because that's what we do.
[00:35:02]
We do not miss work because somebody might say that drinking is interfering with my work, and I'm not giving them that weapon. So I go to work. Next day was Good Friday. Didn't have to go to work. Courthouse was closed. Got flu. Got upset stomach, which frequently accompanies flu. I think everybody knows that. By Saturday, the flu was even worse, and now I got lower tract distress coupled with an upset stomach.
And if you've got lower tract distress coupled with an upset stomach, that will hone your decision-making down to a fine edge. And I didn't know whether to sit or kneel or kneel or sit, and on at least one occasion that weekend, I made the wrong decision. Now, if my wife was here, you could talk to her about that. Monday, I still had flu. Monday, I'm now dehydrated from all that kneeling and sitting that I've been doing.
So they put me in the hospital to hydrate me. That night, my abdomen became distended. They did an emergency laparotomy on me, found I was full of gangrene, peritonitis. While they're in there trying to clean that up, my kidneys quit. And my liver was enlarged and out of whack, and my pancreas was digesting itself. And then my respiratory system quit. And things weren't looking good for the home team.
Thirty years ago tonight, I was in intensive care. That was a bad day. I know a bad day. This is a good day. That was a bad day. I was in intensive care in Hagerstown for three weeks. They got me off the respirator, but they couldn't get my kidneys to work. My pancreas continued to digest itself. Liver's still out of whack. So they said they're going to send me down to Johns Hopkins. Now, I was encouraged by this because I knew people going to Johns Hopkins and they'd live.
I knew people going to Hagerstown Hospital, they'd die. I'm feeling pretty good about going to Hopkins. They tell my wife that they're sending me to Johns Hopkins to die. They don't think there's anything that can be done for me. If there is, Hopkins might be able to figure it out. But she should make plans for my not coming home and contact mortuary and start that ball rolling. I'm kind of glad they didn't tell me that because I'd have been discouraged by that.
So I went down to Hopkins, and they did everything down there but hang me by my thumbs for two weeks. My belly button birthday is on May the 14th. And on May the 13th, these learned physicians came in to talk to me. And before they even get a word out, I told them, I can't take it anymore. I cannot take it anymore. Tomorrow's my birthday. I need a day of rest. Please, please, I beg you, just let me be tomorrow.
They said, well, Judge, that's why we're here. We presented your case to the internal medicine department here at Hopkins. And we cannot get a majority vote as to what's wrong with you. And we've done everything we know to do. So, yes, we're here coming to tell you that tomorrow we will give you a day of rest. And so I turned 40 in the Johns Hopkins Hospital. And two weeks later, on May the 28th, I was discharged from the Johns Hopkins Hospital.
My kidney function returned. My liver enzymes got back within acceptable limits. My pancreas stopped digesting itself. And when you're in a hospital like that for seven weeks, they like to talk to you before you leave about the do's and don'ts because they don't want you doing something that will put you back in there. But if you've got an undiagnosed illness, they don't know what to tell you. Now, personally, I think it's better to survive an undiagnosed illness than to die of a known cause.
That's the way I felt about it then. I still feel that way about it tonight. So, you know, the doctors have already told me that they don't know what to tell me because they just think I should not get it again because it might kill me. And I am within one step of being out of that doctor's office when one of them says to me, Judge, could we ask you a question? Certainly. He said, Do you drink? What kind of question is that?
Of course I drink. I'm a lawyer. Well, I used to be a lawyer. Now I'm a judge. But back when I was a lawyer, I had to drink with clients. I had to drink with other lawyers.
[00:40:00]
I had to drink with judges. Now that I'm a judge, I've got to drink with lawyers. I've got to drink with judges. Of course I drink. It's a matter of professional obligation. How much do you drink? Not much. Why do you ask? Well, we just think you should not drink for a while. I mean, you've got these three delicate organs involved, and alcohol just destroys the kidneys, and we don't know if there's any permanent kidney damage or not.
It looks like you may have dodged a bullet here. And then there's the matter of your liver. Alcohol just tears up the liver, and we don't know if you've got any permanent liver damage or not. And then there's the matter of your pancreas. Nothing destroys the pancreas like alcohol. So we think you should not drink for a while. How long? A year. Yeah, a year. Well, my last drink was on April the 7th.
This is May 28th. Okay, I think I can do that. Okay, I'll do that. They said, no, judge, you don't understand. This is Memorial Day weekend, and we want you to not drink for one year from June the 1st. Now, I know there are people in this room right now who have already discerned the injustice that these two doctors were trying to perpetuate upon me, and that is I was getting no credit for my seven weeks of continuous sobriety.
And an argument broke out between these two learned physicians and this knuckleheaded judge as to whether or not I would drink next April the 7th or June the 1st, and we reached a compromise. And the compromise was I would not drink until next April the 7th, and then if I thought any of the pain, suffering, and misery that I had just endured had anything whatsoever to do with drinking, that I would not drink until June the 1st.
And with that, I walked out of Johns Hopkins Hospital into the most insane period of my life. Not drinking. Not changing. Nobody said anything about alcoholism. Not drinking. Not changing. Sounds a lot like just don't drink and go to meetings. Now, for you people who are here tonight who've got less than a year, if somebody tells you don't drink and go to meetings, get away from that person. Get away from them as fast as you can because they are telling you a lie.
Don't drink and go to meetings kills alcoholics. Our book says so very clearly. You take alcohol away from me, I get restless, irritable, and discontent, says the book. That's a gross understatement in my case. I am more like pissed off in the spring-loaded position. Don't drink and go to meetings. There's only one of two things that can happen to an alcoholic. Either I'm going to pick up a drink, slow suicide, or I'm going to drive into a bridge abutment or pick up a gun, fast suicide.
Alcoholic who's not drinking, who does not change, will not survive. Very clear in our book. I don't know why or how we began telling people don't drink and go to meetings, but we're not helping anybody. Our book says very clearly, if you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. If you are not, then go drink. Don't waste your time here.
Go drink. Because if you're going to not drink and not change, you might as well just bend over and grab your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye because there's no cure for alcoholism other than a spiritual remedy to a spiritual malady. Nobody told me that. I didn't understand that. I had to be taught that. I had to learn that in Alcoholics Anonymous. My dad lost that 30-year marriage to my mom because of his alcoholism, lost everything because of his alcoholism, lost the respect of his children, myself and my sister.
When my sister got married, she didn't invite our dad to the wedding. I gave her away. She was afraid he would come and be drunk, and he came uninvited and he was drunk. He lost a business that he spent 25 years from building to scratch, built it from scratch to a very successful business and then drank it away. He lost everything of value. We lost our home. He lost everything of material value, and he lost the priceless stuff.
He lost his integrity. He lost his self-esteem. July the 3rd, 1968, he went past the church in our community and on the message board it said don't buy a fifth on the third for the fourth. He went to AA that night and he never
[00:45:04]
drank again. And when he died in 1983, he died with 15 years of continuous sobriety in this wonderful program. And I carry his 15-year chip with me, with my chip, and part of the reason that I'm here tonight is to try to make a small payment on a large debt that I owe to Alcoholics Anonymous for my father's life. Because Alcoholics Anonymous gave my father back his life. Well, he didn't get back the marriage, he got back the respect of his children, he didn't get back the material stuff, but he got back the priceless stuff, he got back his integrity, he got back his self-esteem. Alcoholics Anonymous allowed my father to become the man of integrity that God created him to be. And he had 15 years of sobriety in this wonderful program. Two men, Ken and Bob, knew my dad, knew of his sobriety. They're watching me die of untreated alcoholism. I'm not drinking, and I'm not changing. And I'm crazy. I'm just crazy. Not drinking, not changing. And they came to me and they said, Jack, we have this book in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's called The Big Book, we thought maybe you'd like to read it, find out about your dad's illness. Clever guys. If they'd have said anything to me remotely like, Jack, we think you ought to read this so you can find out what's wrong with you, I wouldn't have read it because you know there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not drinking. Everybody knows alcoholics drink. With every passing day of every passing week of every passing month of every passing year that I don't drink, as proof positive, I am not an alcoholic because alcoholics drink. Everybody knows that. There's nothing wrong with me. I might be a little bit on edge, I might be a little prickly, I might be quick to anger, but you know, you and I get along a heck of a lot better if you just mind your own darn business and do what I tell you to do because everything's fine with me, okay? It's fine. Everything's fine. Fine. I read that book.
My dad's in there. My dad was a real alcoholic as defined by the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. No surprise to me. I knew he was an alcoholic. He ought to be in there. Now what did come to be quite a surprise was I'm in there. Those people wrote that book before I was born. And they have written about things that have occurred in my life. They wrote them down before I was born. They wrote them down before I experienced them. They wrote them down.
They wrote things about my life. How did they know to do that? So I went back to Ken and Bob and I told them that there may be, there may be a possibility, a remote possibility, but a possibility nonetheless that I may have contracted a very mild case of alcoholism. We caught it just in time. But Ken and Bob, that's all they needed. That's all they were hoping and praying for. And they started coming to my chambers, my judicial office, every Friday at noon. And they brought a brown bag lunch and they brought their big books with them. And we would have lunch. We would pray this serenity prayer. We would read from the big book. Bob and Ken would explain to me the importance of what we had read. And I would explain to them as Jack sees it. I pointed out to Bob and Ken, because I thought it was important that they be reminded, and I think it's important that you know this, that while it is true that I spent five years in high school, I got out of the community college in two years with an associate's degree. Two more years later I got a bachelor's degree from the University of Maryland College Park. I went over to their law school and in three years I got a juris doctorate degree from the law school. And Ken said, we have degrees on rectal thermometers, Jack, and you know what we do with them. Said that in my office. I thought I was just a little rude myself. See, Ken and Bob knew I was dying of untreated alcoholism,
[00:50:04]
not drinking and not changing. And they were willing to risk offending me because they knew that I had been offended before and I would get over it. They were willing to risk making me angry because they knew that I had been angry before and they knew that I would get over it. But they knew that I was dying of untreated alcoholism and I was not going to get over that unless something happened and something happened soon. They knew something that I didn't know, and I did not know what it was that they knew that I didn't know. Had I known that they knew something that I didn't know, the mere fact knowing that they knew something that I didn't know and not knowing what it was that they knew that I didn't know would make me angry. And they knew that I would be angry if I found out that they knew something that I didn't know. And I knew that they knew it and I didn't know what it was that they knew. But they were persistent and consistent because they knew in Alcoholics Anonymous with the power of God that there may very well come a day when I would actually know what it was that they knew that I didn't know.
And if I knew what it was that they didn't know, then I would no longer be angry knowing that they knew something I didn't know because in Alcoholics Anonymous you know when you know that you know and not a moment before. Now if you followed that, you're in the right place. And if you found that to be the least bit confusing, you're still in the right place. Just means you don't know. December 22nd, 1989 was a Friday. The courthouse was closed. It was a Friday before Christmas. I should say parenthetically that when I was drinking, my wife and I were separated on three separate occasions. And there were women involved. And after I stopped drinking and was not changing, my wife and I were separated on three separate occasions. And there were women involved. I think that's pretty clear evidence that drinking had nothing to do with any of those six separations. But alcoholism had everything to do with all six separations, and we had no idea.
So on this occasion, December 22nd, 1989, my wife and I are separated. And Bob and Ken and I had lunch in a local restaurant. We went our separate ways. I went back to my apartment, propped against my door was one of those Hickory Farms packages you see at Christmas time. Somebody had sent the judge a cheese log or a sausage. It was very nice. I'll take it into the apartment, maybe have a little snack. And I got plans. I got plans for Friday. I got plans for Saturday. I got plans for Christmas Eve. I got plans for Christmas Day. I got plans for New Year's. I got plans for well into the next year. So I'm looking at this box, and I'm listening to the messages on my answering machine about the plans for that night. I see where it's taped. I cut the tape with my car keys, and as I'm listening to the answering machine, I lift the lid of the box. Boom! And I got blown back against the wall. Four days before, a judge in Birmingham, Alabama had been killed by a package bomb and sent to his home. Two days before, a lawyer in Savannah, Georgia had been killed by a package bomb sent to his office. I could smell the gunpowder, and I knew I'd opened a bomb. There was a fire, and I tried to put it out, and I couldn't. So I went out in the hallway, and I pulled a fire alarm, and my neighbor came, said he had a fire extinguisher. And I went back and called 911, and the guy answered and said, police, fire, or rescue. I said, I'd like to have one of each.
And when I went to dial the phone, I became aware that part of my right hand had been blown away. And then when I hung up the phone, it felt like somebody was pulling my trousers off my hips. And I looked down on the floor, and I was standing in a puddle of blood. It was just getting bigger and bigger and bigger as I stood and watched it. My neighbor asked if there's anything he could do for me, and I said, well, get me a towel. And he got me a towel, and I opened my trousers. And I didn't have the courage to attempt to visualize the wound. I just put the towel where I thought I'd been hurt, and put my back against the wall, and I slid down onto the floor. And it seemed to
[00:55:06]
me I was dying. And I could feel life slipping away. And I was alone. And I was frightened. And I was absolutely powerless. There was nothing I could do. It occurred to me that all those Fridays that Ken and Bob and I had been meeting, that we always began our time together with the Serenity Prayer. And so I asked God to grant me the serenity to accept this thing which I could not change. Courage to change what I could, and the wisdom to know the difference. And I prayed that prayer, and I prayed that prayer, and I prayed that prayer, and I prayed that prayer, and I prayed that prayer. And I can't tell you whether it was the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth time through that prayer, but I can tell you this with assurity. The prayer was answered, and God came.
God came. I was overcome by a sense of peace and well-being the likes of which I had never experienced before in my life, nor have I experienced it since. Laying on that floor, I didn't know if I was going to live or die. But if I was to die and never see my wife and our three children again, it'll be all right. It'll be all right, Jack. It'll be all right. And the police, fire, and rescue people burst through the door of my apartment, and both my eardrums had been blown out. And they were trying to communicate with me, and I was having a tough time. And I stopped praying to try to talk to them, and this tremendous wave of fear swept upon me. And I told them, you guys do what you have to do. I'm going back to what I was doing. I went back to the Serenity Prayer, and as soon as I did, that sense of peace and well-being came upon me again. And they cut all my clothes off of me with the exception of my red and green Christmas socks. They bundled me up in a blanket and strapped me to a gurney and carried me down three flights of steps and stuffed me in an ambulance. Our local TV station was Johnny on the spot. They got a picture of them red and green Christmas socks sticking out of that ambulance. Those socks went around the world on CNN, and I went to surgery at Washington County Hospital. They couldn't find my wife, and they couldn't find my girlfriend, but they found my sponsor, Ken. And they let Ken come back to where I was being prepared for surgery, and he held my hand, and he prayed for me. And we prayed together, and they sent me up to surgery. And I don't know how shrapnel knows to stop when passing through flesh, but I can only report to you what they told me. They removed a rather significant piece of shrapnel not resting against, but in close proximity to, my ephemeral artery. And had my ephemeral artery been nicked, you'd have a different speaker here tonight for sure. And they sent me to a recovery room, and when I came to, there at the foot of my bed was my sponsor, Bob. Now let me say here that it's good to have a sponsor. It's really good to have a sponsor. Sponsors see things differently. They have a different perception on things. You know, if you're new, and you're here tonight, and you don't have a sponsor, do yourself a favor. Get yourself a sponsor before you leave this conference. There are hundreds of people in this room who are eminently qualified to be your sponsor. We're not asking you to get married. Just asking you to get a sponsor. Somebody to be a guide. Somebody to show you where the pitfalls are. Maybe you've been here a while. Maybe you used to have a sponsor. Maybe you and your sponsor have grown apart, or maybe your sponsor's moved away or passed on. Maybe you're doing the ism of alcoholism, the old I sponsor myself thing. You know, if you're doing that ism of alcoholism, I sponsor myself. I don't mean to be rude or to be unkind, but I do think it's important you know you got an idiot for a sponsor. I cannot be my own source of information. I need help. The foot of my bed is Bob, and he's smiling. I said, Bob, I see you're smiling. What are you smiling about? He said, oh, Jack, I think it must be wonderful to know that you can't be harmed. I said, harmed, Bob? Somebody tried to kill me. He said, oh, I know, Jack, there were four pipe bombs in that package. You open one pipe bomb is adequate to kill a human.
Two pipe bombs and a little redundant three pipe bombs, that's around a bin. Four pipe bombs, Jack, you have really made somebody very angry. Laughter
[01:00:02]
He said, in point of fact, Jack, man has done his very best to kill you. And the only explanation of your survival is the grace of God. Good to have a sponsor. I wouldn't have come up with that in a million years. Laughter He said, God has spared you for a purpose, Jack. God has work for you to do. I said, really, Bob? What kind of work does God have for me to do? He said, oh, Jack, I wouldn't be so presumptive as to hazard a guess as to what's God's will for you in that regard.
But he said, I do know this. I know that it is God's will for you to be an active recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Which means that you're going to have to pray that third step prayer with me or with Ken. You're going to have to do that four-step inventory. Take that fifth step with Ken or with me. Make that six-step decision. Pray that seven-step prayer. Make that eight-step list. Begin making those nine-step amends so that you can fit yourself to be of maximum service to God and to your fellow man and live successfully sober in 10, 11, and 12.
Good to have a sponsor. I wouldn't have come up with that either. I got out of the hospital on Christmas Day, 1989. Best Christmas I ever had up until that point. Christmas of 1990, my wife and I reconciled. We've been together ever since. If I don't screw this thing up, come August we'll be married 46 years. Well, she's been married 46 years. I've had time off for bad behaviors. If she were here, you'd probably want to give her a chip for that.
I began the adventure, the journey of living in Alcoholics Anonymous, a successful life for the alcoholic. Before June the 10th, 1935, there was no solution for a person like me. It was either be jails or institutions or death. No hope for me. No hope for you. And yet here we are on a Saturday night in Erie, Pennsylvania, all fully clothed and in our right minds. Well, fully clothed. Okay. I'll buy that.
Big Book says that the problem for me is not my drinking. The problem for me centers in my mind. I don't know about you, but all I do in my mind is think. Think, think, think, think, think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think. And I'm not good at it, but I insist on doing it. Simply how I think is my problem. S-H-I-T.
Simply how I think is my problem. The Big Book says I should not be doing it. I need adult supervision. I can't do it by myself. I need help. Smart guy, hip, slick, cool guy like me cannot think on my own until I've taken action on the steps and have gotten to that place where the book says, for now, sanity has returned. My favorite chapter in the Big Book, bar none, for many years, End of Thinking.
God, I love that chapter. Some of you in here love it, too. Some of you don't even know that there's no chapter called End of Thinking. You want to hide something from an alcoholic, put it in his Big Book. You know, we had a big party down in San Antonio two years ago. And those folks from GSO, they said, if you've got any suggestions how we can make AA better, please let us know. So I wrote to them.
I said, I think we can modify this pamphlet and make it more effective. What pamphlet is that, you might ask. Is AA for you? Now, here are the suggestions that I sent up to the GSO. I don't know if these will resonate with you or not, but let's see. Have you ever decided to stop thinking for a week or so and only last it for a couple of days? Do you wish people would mind their own business about your thinking and stop telling you what to do?
Do you envy people who can think without getting into trouble? Have you had problems with your brain? Do you envy people who can think without getting into trouble? Have you had problems connected with thinking during the past year? Has your thinking caused trouble at home?
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Do you tell yourself that you can stop thinking anytime you want to, even though you keep thinking when you don't mean to? Have you missed days of work or school because of your thinking? Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not think? Well, apparently I'm not the only one. We have a wonderful way of life here. A solution to a problem that has existed for thousands of years.
Thousands upon thousands of years. On June 10, 1935, the spark was struck that gives all of us in this room hope. When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was popular to say that the definition of insanity was repeating the same act over and over again, expecting a different result. And I can see why people would think that that was a kind of insanity. But I am fully satisfied today that true insanity is joining a 12-step program and not doing the 12 steps.
That is crazy. It's just crazy. I'm not here as a poster child of recovery by any stretch of the imagination. I am stubborn, I am hard-headed, I am belligerent, I am very smart. In fact, I am the smartest person I know. I am so smart that a damn near killed me. And in effect, what Ken and Bob were telling me is, just dummy up, Jack. Stop trying to wow us with your intellect and quit the debating society and just do the deal.
And I would say, I don't want to do it. And they said, that's fine, Jack. You don't have to want to do it. I don't think it's going to work. You don't have to think it's going to work, Jack. You just have to do it. I don't like doing it. That's perfectly all right, Jack. You don't have to like it, you just have to do it. Just do it. Nike commercial, right? Just do it. Phew, man. What a life. What a wonderful life.
It says in the vision for you that if I align myself in a correct way with God, that great events will come to pass for me and countless others. We have three adult children, a daughter, a son, and a younger son. Of those three children, our oldest son, our middle child, was the most hurt by my drinking, and then my drinking and not changing. And I had no capacity to repair that relationship. I had no, I just didn't know.
I just didn't know. And Ken and Bob just said, just keep suiting up and showing up, Jack, and doing the deal. And our son got married, and he and his wife had a little baby girl, and my wife and I went. They didn't tell anybody what they were going to name their child until she was born, and then they told us. A year and a half later, she got pregnant again, and this time they were having a little boy.
And my wife and I went to the hospital when the baby was born, and they invited us to come back to meet the child and to meet our daughter-in-law and walked into the room. I said, what have you named your son? And our daughter-in-law said to our son, you didn't tell him. And Bert said, no, I thought we'd tell him together. And they named that little boy Jack. And our book says great events will come to pass for you and countless others.
And our book says the power of God goes deep. And our book says that broken hearts will be mended, and relationships that have been rent asunder will be restored. And our book does not lie. And our book says that they wrote that book to show me precisely how they recovered, and if I do precisely what they did, I will get precisely what they got. And if I want to do recovery Jack's way, I might as well bend over and grab my ankles and kiss my ass goodbye.
Because Jack's way doesn't work. Never has worked, never will work. If Jack's ways worked, I'd have written a book and brought them here with me to sell to you. My way doesn't work. Oh, I talk about my program of recovery. I don't have a program of recovery.
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I belong to a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous that has a program of recovery. A program consisting of 12 steps. I can either do it and become sane, or I can do it my way and kiss my ass goodbye. That's it. Now, the longer I'm in AA, I get more and more sure of a couple things. One thing I'm absolutely sure of is I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous because somebody prayed. I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous because I think my wife prayed. I think our three children prayed.
I think my mom, who thinks I'm not an alcoholic, but does think I'm crazy. I think she prayed that God would send somebody to help me. I think Ken and Bob prayed. I'm here because somebody prayed. I didn't get here because I'm a hip, slick, and cool guy. And in fact, nobody in here got here on a winning streak. If we're honest about it, nobody gets here on a winning streak. To be perfectly honest, I mean, you got here because somebody prayed.
Maybe a lot of somebody's prayed. Maybe you prayed the alcoholic prayer. God help me. Maybe your husband, your wife, your mom, your dad, your son, your daughter prayed. Maybe they all prayed. Maybe your best friend. Maybe a lot of somebody's prayed. But you're here in Alcoholics Anonymous in an answer to prayer. Now you may not like that, and you may not believe that, and quite frankly, I don't care.
Because that's the way it is with the truth. The truth is just the truth. Whether I like the truth or I don't like the truth. Whether I approve of it or I don't approve of it. Whether I believe it or I don't believe it, the truth doesn't care. Because the truth is. The truth is. Now here's something I think we can get our arms around without a great deal of argument. And that is that the people who are in this room, assembled here tonight, have never been assembled together before in the history of the world.
And we are never, ever going to be assembled together again. And our book says there is one who has all power. May you find him now. Right here. Right now. There's somebody in this room tonight who had absolutely no intention of attending this meeting. No intention at all of being here tonight. And yet you're here. You're here. You're here. There's some other folks here this evening who have been sent here to hear something.
And I don't know what you were sent here to hear. Now maybe it's for you, maybe it's for a sponsee, maybe it's for somebody that God's preparing for you who's going to come along the first of May. I don't know. But you were sent here to hear something. We are not assembled by coincidence or by accident. The power of God goes deep. We have another pamphlet I like to refer to in Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's called A Member's Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous. I think it's the finest piece of literature in Alcoholics Anonymous outside of the big book. Now that's my opinion. If you have read this pamphlet and you disagree with my opinion, it will not be necessary for you to come up here after the meeting and explain that to me. If you have not read this pamphlet, my guess is there are some people who have never even heard of this pamphlet.
Talk to your literature chairman. Get some copies of it. Give it to your sponsees. Read it with your sponsees together. A Member's Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd just like to share with you the very, very end of this pamphlet. Tomorrow, Sunday, in the churches of many of us, will be read that portion of the Gospel of Matthew which recounts the time when John the Baptist was languishing in the prison of Herod.
In hearing of the works of his cousin Jesus, he sent two of his disciples to say to him, Art thou he who is to come, or shall we look for another? And Christ did as he so often did. He did not answer them directly, but he wanted John to decide for himself. And so he said to the disciples, Go and report to John what you have heard and what you have seen. The blind said, Have Seen, The Blind See, The Lame Walk, The Lepers Are Cleansed, The Deaf Hear, The Dead Rise, The Poor Have the Gospel Preached to Them.
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Back in my childhood catechism days, I was taught that the poor in this instance did not mean only the poor in a material sense, but also meant the poor in spirit, those who burned with an inner hunger and an inner thirst, and that the word gospel meant quite literally the good news. A number of years ago, two men, Ken and Bob, working singularly and together, maneuvered me into Alcoholics Anonymous.
If they were here tonight and they were to ask, tell us, Jack, what did you find, I would have to say to them what I say to you now. I can only tell you what I have heard and what I have seen. It seems the blind do see, the lame do walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead rise, and over and over again in the middle of the longest day or the darkest night, the poor in spirit have the good news told to them.
God grant that it may always be so. My name is Jack. I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is April 7, 1982, and as our friend Ed was so fond of saying, I love each and every one of you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.