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Source: Ed M – Founders Day 2003 – His Story – Date Unknown.mp3 File: ed-m-founders-day-2003-his-story-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:10:13
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Good afternoon, my name's Ed M. and I'm an alcoholic. By the grace of God, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, in sponsorship, I have found it necessary to take a drink or a mood-altering chemical since January 5th of 1971, and for that I'm extremely grateful. You know, I'm one of those that's blessed, I get to speak a lot of places, and go a lot of places, but I don't know that I've ever been more moved than to be asked to speak here, and Joe, I want to thank you for that, and I want to thank Bob, and I want to thank the committee.
Those of us who have been involved in big conventions, you have no idea of the work and dedication and frustration that goes on to put this on just so things could be convenient for you, but I also know by seeing this committee and what I've experienced here that it was out of love that they did it. Not only that, the members of Alcoholics Anonymous here, the city of Akron, I mean, I had a bus driver that said, oh heck, we can take you there, and went off route and brought me where I needed to go.
I've decided I'm moving here next week. But everybody's just been delightful, and I am honored to be here, and I do love Alcoholics Anonymous, I do love God, and I love being sober, and I don't apologize for it. For a long time in AA, I felt like maybe I had to say something other than God, and maybe I shouldn't be too happy sober, they'll come to expect it, you know? And the longer I'm sober, the more I realize that that's the gift that God has given me, and that's the gift that I want to cherish.
I want to thank the signers. I'm always moved when I see the signers, and a lot of times when I see a speaker, I'll watch the signers too, because in that interpretation it's even more moving. Their dedication to do this, and their work, and I won't say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. I gotta look like, take that, big fella. Bring it on, bring it on. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, I want to thank my friend Bobby M. and his family from Cleveland. I've known Bobby for years, but we just met a month or two ago. And if you've been around AA, you know exactly what that means. It's talking about language of the heart. For those of you who don't know me, yes, I have trouble buying clothes, and the weather's fine up here, okay? Get all those out of the way. And they threw in a new one here at ACRA, and I've never been asked how much I weighed so much in my life, so I'm going to have to incorporate that somehow.
But it's always the same size person usually saying the same two questions. And their, you know, first question is, How tall are you? I'm 6'10". And they go, Oh, how tall are you? 6'10". Oh, do you play basketball? I go, No. How tall are you? And they go, 5'6". And I say, Do you play miniature golf? Seems fair to me. And there's just a lot of people in this room and at this convention this weekend that I love with all my heart, and I would do anything on earth for them, because that's what Alcoholics Anonymous has done to me.
Alcoholics Anonymous is language of the heart. If it gets to be language of anything else, it's not Alcoholics Anonymous. I came from a very elite group of people called White Trash. You know, certain things were expected of us. You know, when you've got a position in the community, you've got to deliver. And, you know, my earliest emotion was, I didn't like anything. I didn't like you, but most of all, I didn't like me.
And there was an unease about me from my earliest memories. And my earliest thoughts were, What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? I developed something from early on that took me a lot of years sober to quit doing. And I'll tell you what it is. I could walk into a room with 300 people, 299 could turn around to me and say, Ed, you're the best. We love you, man. One could turn around and go, Jerk.
Guess who got my full attention? Now here's the sick part. Not only did they get my full attention,
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but eventually in my life, the 299 didn't exist anymore. Just the ones. And I had a head full of ones in my earliest memories. I didn't like who I was, where I lived, what I did. And I hated it. So I was very grateful when alcohol came around at a very early age. My father was a heavy drinker. He was one of the hardest working men I've ever known. My mother always tells the time of when they were shoveling coal during the Depression and they were paying 25 cents a ton.
And my dad would come home after earning $18 in one day. I know what work ethic is. I know what dedication is. I know what commitment is. I also know what being raised in the house of an alcoholic is. And sometimes Dad would drink too much. And my mother was one of the first working women I've ever known. Everybody else, their moms got to stay home. Mom had to go to work to keep the house going. And she was an incredible woman.
But she had a weakness. She believed in God. Well, it really was weak. Oh, let's pray about it. No, let's punch somebody. She just didn't get it. I remember she used to drag us seven little brats, I mean seven children to church. And they'd set me in church. And if you've ever met a minister, they all have thin blue lips and talk like this. You're going to burn in hell, young man. That's what you're going to do.
And I used to think, I've only been here an hour. How do you know? And they'd drag us to church. And there was some guy sitting up front. I remember him as clear as standing here today. And he's got his thin blue lips. And he's sitting there looking so solemn. And I thought, you know, I saw him in the bar last night. He was having a lot more fun. And I don't know who that is with him, but he seemed to be having a lot more fun there too, you know.
Now, I need to tell you about my 299 to 1. Because what I did for a lot of my adult life is take that as my example of organized religion. I forgot about the 299 behind them. They were probably wonderful people. But I had no place for goodness in my heart and in my head. And I didn't even know it. And the only thing that had calmed the madness in my heart and mind is a few drinks. And I don't know if it took it all away, but I'll tell you one thing.
It made it so it didn't matter so much. I didn't mind wearing those hand-me-downs and fighting my way to school. People called me a pig and white trash and wanted to fight me. I couldn't figure out why. I'm just trying to get along. And I had a brother, one of my older brothers was mean. I mean, he never threatened anybody. You just heard gunshots when he was mad. And he had that reputation. He was a three-time loser.
And guess what? I'm right behind him. He was a good 10 years sober before I didn't panic when I heard squealing tires coming up behind me. Because I knew it was time to prove it one more time. Something I didn't want to prove and something I didn't want to be a part of. But I was fighting for my life one day at a time long before I got here. I went to my first AA meeting when I was 10 years old. I've got a brother in South Carolina, sober 44 years.
He's so sober we don't let people smoke around him anymore. He's so dry, you know. And he's a wonderful guy, but he took me to my first AA meeting when I was 10. And I remember going in there and there's some old guy up here about 30, you know. Going, my name's Fred and I'm an alcoholic. And I thought, good for you, Fred, you know. I ever get drunk and burn out, I may be here too. Well, I didn't know I was a prophet at that point.
It was later on that it became apparent. I thought, hey, you know, and I share that story for one particular reason and one particular reason only. There are people in this room today, including this speaker, who has sons or daughters or loved ones that are dying of this disease. And it's not that we don't try to carry the message. But we can't hear till we can hear and we can't see till we can see.
But we got to keep carrying the message. No matter what. And for the next 10 years, I need to tell you, I didn't think much about A&A. I didn't think, well, if I go to them meetings and walk up 12 golden steps, I'll be happy. You see, my problems were the same as yours. It was memories of what might have been. If only's. If only's were a biggie. When you got all that going on in your head, you need to calm it.
You need to calm it. Drinking was not my problem. Staying sober and all those voices in my head were the problem. I mean, it'd make me crazy. And then they started telling me, if you drink, you're going to die. And that's a vicious lie. Because I was counting on them.
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You see, where you come from, I come from, dying's a break. It's a step up, especially if a cop takes you out. Then you're a hero. Don't threaten me with death. It's for a different reason today. But then it was a break. How soon and when? I'm tired. I remember coming to A&A and there were some old-timers said, you know, you're not even dry behind the ears. I spilled more than you ever drank. You haven't even been around the block.
You know, when I got sober, I was 20 years old. I had a felony record as long as both arms. I'd been married and divorced, turned psychotic, neurotic, insanely violent, hopelessly addicted to drugs, committed to the Iowa State Mental Institution, and had several warrants out for me. And they say, you haven't even been around the block yet. And I thought, how big is this block? Because if it gets much bigger, somebody else is going to have to finish it up for me.
And then they'd say stuff like, oh, I'm so glad you got here before you had to really hurt. You know, would any of us here, would any of us here, if we had experienced cancer, go into a cancer patient's room who happened to be under 20 or 14 or 15, would we go into that room and say, I came closer to dying than you are? Wouldn't that be cruel? What's the difference? How old do you have to be to die of this disease?
January 5th of 1971, I got sober. I really didn't mean to. It wasn't in my day planner. I probably would have had a better time if I knew I was coming, you know. But I was in a wreck like I'd been in a wreck hundreds of times, laying in the middle of the street, and it was 18 below zero. And I was pretending like I was knocked out. I'm not sure why. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And I heard the police came up, and they said, that's Mutum. Don't touch him. He's the scum of the earth.
And you see, I'm a cop fighter. When I see a badge, I swing. If you're a crossing guard, I may punch you, you know. And these guys came up and said that to me, and you know what happened? An amazing thing happened. I agreed. I don't know why that night that somehow it was perfectly clear that I wasn't there because of where or who raised me. I was there because of my own actions and a disease called alcoholism.
And they ran me up into the hospital, and the next day a guy came up and made a 12-step call on me, a guy named Hap. Now, when you've got a severe brain concussion and you're hungover, you don't want some guy coming into your hospital room, smiling, saying, Hi, my name's Hap, and I'm an alcoholic. Puts you into a depression right off the bat, is what it does. But that's what he did. Hap came in, and he talked to me.
And he said, we don't drink and we don't use one day at a time, Ed. And I said, well, you know what? I'd like to do that, but I can't make it a day. Now why I decided to be honest that day, I'm not sure. But you see, when my gut locked in, I had to go in spite of what I knew. When that compulsion hit, I had to go. Yes, I knew what it would do to my wife, ex-wife. I knew what it would do to my mother, but I had to go.
And he said, well, all you have to do is try, Ed. And that's the only thing I've done consistently in Alcoholics Anonymous. One day at a time since that day to this, is try. Some days I try real well. Some days just barely. But I try. Because this is not about my will, it's about God's grace. And I believe it's here for each and every one of us, if we'll just keep our hands off the business. And that's tough, you know.
That's tough. I remember going to A&A. And they said, well, you've got to quit stealing. And I thought, well, I'll cut down, just get enough to make ends meet, you know. You've got to make a living. And they said, no, no, you've got to stop that. But then they said something that was worse yet. They said, you've got to start being honest with who you are and where you've been. Well, man, I had no idea about that.
You see, I didn't know the truth. You see, I didn't know the truth. I would lie when the truth would serve me better. That's when people take these steps in 30 days and say honest inventory. They obviously drank differently than I did. Drank Differently Than I Did. Now I'm not taking anything away from that, it's just
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my experience. That it was very important for me to get my brains out of hock. You know? The old timers used to tell me, ah, stick around 90 days, just get your brains out of hock, don't think about anything. Some of the best information I ever had. And you know a lot of people in AA say, oh it doesn't matter what you say in ANA. Doesn't matter. They want to be here, they'll be here. Well I beg to differ with that. Tell you, there was an old guy, Harry S., in Central Discussion, and when I got sober, first I got to tell you, when I got sober they didn't have a lot of the goodies to make you feel better right away that they do now. I was a shaker, man. I just, sheesh. How you doing? Oh, good. How are you? Yeah. Half cup for me, please. You know? And it was bad. It was bad. I remember six weeks, six, eight weeks sober when I wrote my name and I could read it. You couldn't, but I could. I remember that. And I had two rules. Don't come up behind me. And don't touch me. Two rules. And little Harry had poured coffee in a group in Davenport called Central Discussion, Davenport, Iowa. And Harry had a habit, he was the coffee pourer. He'd come around to the table during the meetings, and Harry had a habit and he'd put his hand right here on my shoulder. And he'd pour my coffee, and for some reason everything was okay for a minute. I didn't get it. But I could breathe deeply. The voices stopped.
The war in my gut stopped. Everything stopped and Harry'd pour my coffee. And he'd pour it slow. And then he'd go and I'd drink my coffee just as fast as I could. How can I tell Harry, Harry, how'd you know I needed the human touch? I just needed somebody to touch me without wanting something or me thinking they want something. Just to be touched in a kind way. Harry saved my life. My only regret is I never told Harry, Harry, thanks for pouring coffee. Thanks for touching my heart. And there was another guy, Jimmy, out in California, Jim R. from Malibu. And Jimmy used to talk like this. He was from Malibu, but he was from Texas originally. He used to talk like this. He was a rapid-fire guy. He kind of gave you three talks in one, you know what I mean? And he'd be talking, he said, he said one time I asked some psychologist why I rub my hands like this when I talk. He told me I smacked him right in the mouth. That's what I did. And that was Jimmy.
And I loved Liz last night when she talked about depression, sober. I'm one of those who are hexed with working the steps and it seems to help me through it. I know that upsets people. Pray for me. And I was in one of those deep, dark depressions, those dark, dark places where it didn't make any sense. And I just, my plan was to go and turn on the gas and just go to sleep. No, no notes, no dramatics, no calls for help. You see, that time I was sober a few years and I knew one thing, AA was good for you, but the magic and the music wasn't alive in me. And I knew you guys could make it, but I also absolutely knew I couldn't. You know, I was coming to meetings and people say, how are you doing?
I'd say, fine. How are you? Yeah, good to see you. And I was looking at bridge abutments as I was going home thinking I could drive into that and that'd be okay. Because I really don't want to drink or use. And I was in one of those moods and it was a dark, dark spot. And I walked into that club on 26th and Broadway with my friend Wayne. And I, when I'm out there, go to a meeting and I walked in and Jimmy was always seemed to be there on that day. Now, I don't know if Jim said this to everybody, but it really doesn't matter. I'd walk by Jim and I'd say, Jim, how are you? And it was like the world stopped.
And it felt like Jim took my face in his hands like this. He didn't, but that's how it felt. But he stopped and looked me right in the eye. When I said, Jim, how you doing? He looked back and he'd say, much better for seeing you today, my friend. Much better for seeing you. And you know what I thought? Well, if Jimmy likes me, maybe I won't turn on the gas today. Because we do this one day at a time. I don't care how long you're sober.
If you're not doing it a day at a time, you're not doing it. It's a day at a time. I started going to meetings on a regular basis and they started, brought up that three-letter word that annoys all of us, job. And tried to work my way around that pretty quick. And then they brought up that other word, God. And I'll tell you, in the book it talks about being violently anti-religious and that's where I was. For several years sober, I used to say I was an atheist or an agnostic. And I've realized in the last few years that
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really wasn't true. What's true is everything I knew about God, I hated. Don't even bring it up around me or we're going to dance. It's that simple. Because if there's a God, why are there starving children everywhere? If there's a God, why is cancer rampant? If there's a God, why do I have to live in that hell hole? Don't even bring it to me. And then I'm going to AA and they said, well, you know, if you're going to have any sobriety on a continued basis, you've got to have a relationship with a power greater than yourself. And you know, when you look into an old timer's eyes, you'll know whether they're telling the truth or doing a little song and dance for you. Check them out. They're here. But then they give me the good news. They said, you can make up your own God. And I thought, cool.
And I came up with a good orderly direction. That's good. I'm sure I heard it somewhere, but everything's original when we come up with it. And then the other one that touched me a lot was good others do. Good others do because people were being very kind to me and I couldn't figure out why. I remember sitting in a meeting about three months over and I nudged this guy and I said, what do these people want from me? He looked back and said, what do you got that anybody'd want? Never quite thought of it that way, you know.
But it was amazing. I would go to meetings and they'd talk about God and what I came up with is if I had all my dreams, God would be kind and loving and forgiving. That would be my God, kind and loving and forgiving. You know, I brought that up and they didn't seem upset about it at all. Another original idea that someone else has taken on, you know. But it was a concept. I'd run into a group of people who didn't care where I'd been or what I had done. The thing I love about Alcoholics Anonymous as much as anything is we all have hearts here, but we have no faces. We all have hearts here, but we have no jobs. We all have hearts here, but we're not different people. We're all one. We're all God's kids.
And I'd never been in a place like that before. But as a result of that, I did something that almost cost me my sobriety. I started professing a faith I didn't have. You know, it's easy to talk about. We all have done it. Talk in that program, you know, you get that 8, 9, 10 months, a year, you know, all of a sudden you know everything and everybody else has been dumb until you got here. And that's kind of the way I was. But I started professing a faith I didn't have. I'd heard these old-timers talk about God and the program and what working these steps had done in their life, and I could see they were telling the truth. So I started parroting what they said. No harm in that. Is there only one? If you don't have a faith when you need it, you won't have a faith. You'll have other people's words.
I was sober a little over a year, and my father asked me to come over for dinner. Now, that may not be unusual for you, but it's terribly unusual for me, because when Dad asks me over for supper, I'm in trouble. And I just, like I said, just had a year sober, and I'd been hanging around A&A, going to meetings and keeping busy. Sponsorship wasn't strong in our area then, so it was kind of winging it, and talk about God's grace. And I just did the best I could, and when I'd go to meetings, they'd say, suit up and show up, bring a new attitude into old situations. Well, I hadn't been to Mom and Dad's house for dinner since I'd been sober, and I can't go into that old situation with my head the same. Now, theirs may be, because they're going to remember me the way I was last time they saw me. They can't remember me any other way. That's their reference, just like our references, especially if you collect ones, like my family tended to do.
But I showed up for that meal, and I went in there, and about halfway through dinner, Dad said, boy, and I thought, oh, here it comes. He said, just wanted to tell you I'm proud of you. And I'll tell you something, walking into the dinner that night, if you had hooked a lie detector to me and asked me if I cared what that old man thought about me, I would have said no, and the lie detector would have said true. And when he told me how proud I was, it was another instance in Alcoholics Anonymous. By the grace of God, I found out how wrong I'd really been. That him looking at me with the pride of a father, saying he was proud of me, was more than I'd ever wished for. You see, when I got sober, they said, wish for things. That wouldn't even have made the list. It's too impossible.
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And I went to a meeting, and later that night, my mother called me, and she was crying and hysterical and said, Ed, come home quick. And I said, what's wrong, Mom? She said, Dad went across the street to get himself a beer and me a bottle of pop, and now they're carrying bodies out. I don't know what's going on. And it was one of those nights, you ever have those ice storms where a quarter-inch ice and everything out here, and it was a bad night, and I was driving across thinking, well, I'm in A&A now, and I know God, nothing bad can happen to me. And as I drove up to that old drinking spot where I'd spent many a night, I saw more policemen than I'd ever seen ever. It's funny how those cops had shaped up that year I was sober. If you knew a little clue I had no idea of, if you don't hit them, they usually won't lock you up. Just thought I'd pass that on. It isn't in the big book, but it's helpful, you know.
And I had been working in the courts that past year with people with alcohol and drug problems. And I walked in, and there was, like I said, officers everywhere. And I looked down the bar, and I saw that pool of blood with my father's glasses all mangled up in it. And I kind of knew it wasn't good news. And the officer said, Ed, what are you doing here? And I said, my dad was in here. What's going on? He said, oh, my God, Ed. He said, we don't know. All we know is somebody came in the bar and opened fire, shot everybody.
And I got in my car, and I went up to the hospital. And there was a lieutenant up there who hadn't forgotten my past. And he was very unkind, very vulgar. And he said, what are you doing up here? And I told him, and he said, I've already identified everybody. Get your behind out of here, before we bust you. And an AA miracle happened, because I just left. You see, you'd given me freedom. A year and a half before that, I would have had to make him remember who I was. Don't you ever talk to me that way.
But I said, OK, and I left. I went home, and we searched the streets for eight hours. Called the officer that spent the last five years of my drinking, trying to put me away. And he fed me information, because he knew I was sober, by the example you taught me to set, by suiting up and showing up, by acting better than I do feel. That AA isn't a place where we come and display our character defects. This is a place where we come and change.
And we've got to take the change out there. You know, too often we get it mixed up. We come to AA and act like we're doing just fine, and we're goofy out there. This is the place to be goofy. Find the answers so we can be better out there. Because if you're fortunate, you're going to find somebody who knows what it is to be goofy and get sober. And to work through difficulty sober. We searched the streets for eight hours looking for my father.
They thought they'd taken him hostage or he got shot and wandered out somewhere. And I'd always prayed that you wouldn't know that kind of sadness and that kind of mayhem. And then September 11th happened. And everybody knows now. If you didn't before, you did then. And there's still people up there in that city that I pray for every day that we'll never find their dad. Early the next morning, I got a call from the hospital from that officer and said, well, Ed, anybody could have made a mistake. Why don't you come up and identify your old man? So I got in my car and I went up there and I walked into that morgue. And I saw that bullet hole in my father's face. And I reached for that faith I'd been professing all those years, or that year, and come up with a handful of nothing. It was just empty.
There's a reason it says, our experience, strength, and hope. And I sat there in that morgue and it was one of the coldest feelings I'd ever had in my life. My first thought, quite honestly, was that God I'd been taught about when I was a kid. Your family's going to pay for what you do. Every sin you do comes back on your family. And I thought, God killed dad. When I was ten years old, I had a beautiful cousin, and her name was Linda. And if there was anybody close to God, I would think it would be Linda. And Linda was walking across the street one day, and a truck hit her and killed her. Knocked her two hundred yards. It was just sad. You know what people said to me? God must have wanted an angel. I said, oh, so he hit you with the truck. I'll pass on that, God. Thank you very much.
I'll pass on that, God, thank you very much.
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So that's where I went back to immediately, thinking this kind of stuff, and it was hard, I hadn't had that knot in my gut for some time. But I'll tell you, I've had reason to review that situation, I can tell you this, everywhere I went, there was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous right there. Right there. And any of us who have ever been through difficulty sober has experienced it if you've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for more than six seconds.
We know how to love here. We take care of our own here. We don't even care if your insurance covers it. Not to be mean or anything. No, I'm not. But that's, you know, one of the things that concerns me about AA today, and especially being here at Founders Day, is we're forgetting what Alcoholics Anonymous is about. That's about shoulder to shoulder, arm in arm, whatever you're going through, we're going through, and we will make it out the other side one day at a time by God's grace.
There's too many people going too many different directions because they want to be terminally unique for one particular reason or the other. And I'm not for it. I get the chance to talk in prisons a lot. And when I talk in prisons, I always start my talk off by telling them I'm a racist. Gets everybody's attention immediately. Especially with a lot of the prisons I go to. And I say I'm a human racist.
I'm for the human race. I'm for you, man. I don't care where you've been, what you've done, or anything else. And anybody else not for that, I'm not for them. It's all about you and me walking hand in hand and going places we've never dreamed of and having the courage to believe that. The priest that did my father's funeral gave me one of the keys to the kingdom. He said, you know, a lot of people would say Clifford's death is God's will.
He said, I don't believe that, and I sat right up in the chair. He said, God created human beings. He gave them all a free will. Some of those human beings chose to do this act, and now it's God's will. And I said to myself, you mean the reason there's kids starving is because we're not feeding them? We've got plenty of food. Can't blame it on God anymore? That's right. The reason cancer is rampant, we want to say, why is God doing this?
We're the one polluting everything we touch. Don't blame it on God. Because I believe this today with all my heart, if it isn't good, it isn't God, period. If it isn't good, it isn't God. I was called to testify at that murder trial, and I remember sitting in that courtroom, sitting across from that guy, and he thought he was pretty tough, you know. That's what gangbangers usually do. And I thought, you know, give me five minutes with him, we'll see how tough he is.
In fact, bring all five of the guys in, we'll see how tough all of them are. But you know what? I'd hung around you too long. You said the way I behave is important, that I need to set an example, that I might be the only example of Alcoholics Anonymous anybody ever sees. So what I did is I went in, and I testified in court, and I simply answered the questions they asked me, and I left. And I left.
There was one time in there, if you've ever had anybody murdered, and you come up from where I come up with, you've got to deal with the murder thing. You've got to deal with the homicide and the eye for the eye, and that pull that's strong. That's strong. That's what everybody always told me. And then this thing of live and let live, and AA, and it's tough. And I sat down to talk to a few people about it, and they got up and walked away and said, I thought you had a good program.
Let me tell you something. If you can talk about that crap sober, you're working a hell of a program, and you need to be here and walk through it. I left there, and shortly after that, God talked to me. Now, you've got to be careful when God talks to you. I've got a few other friends God talked to, they'll be out in about another 20. But God talked to me and said, Ed, go out to California, get into show business.
Made perfect sense to me. So I quit my job, loaded my car, 48 hours later, it was where all stars get their start, Anaheim, California. I got a job at Disneyland. I was goofy. Little did they know how well I fit the role at that point. Don't step on goofy shoes.
[00:35:02]
I was goofy. But I didn't actually start that job. I went up to a meeting in West L.A., and I was around Alcoholics Anonymous that I'd never been around. And this is not to take away from the Alcoholics Anonymous I was around. This was Alcoholics Anonymous that was enthusiastic, enthusiastic. People that were doing things were out of their own head, not sitting back going, well, I'll do just enough to get by, you know.
And I'm used to, you know, once a year, you flip Fred a chip, and he goes on home, you know, happy birthday, Fred, see you next year. And I'm in this place where people talking about living and talking about helping one another, really talking about setting up with people, talking about taking them to meetings, even when it's inconvenient. And it just amazed me. And there was this guy standing there, and I said, excuse me, would you be my sponsor?
He said, no. I said, why not? He said, anybody I sponsor has to look up to me. Ha ha ha. I thought, good, tall jokes, that's what I need, you know. A few minutes later, he shook my hand, said, you agreed to do a few things, I'll be your sponsor, my name's Clancy. And I am forever grateful I didn't hear half the crap that goes around about him. Tell you why. I would have believed you, and I would have died.
You're that important to me as members of AA. I would have believed you, and I would have died. Because for some reason, just like Bill could talk to Bob, Clancy could talk to me. No comparison as far as stature, but I mean, he's the one that made sense to me. And I make it my business not to put down any individual or group in Alcoholics Anonymous. I may not like them, but who cares? I want you to have the dignity of your own choice.
I want you to have the ability to go and do what you need to do. And yes, my door is always open. But I want you to go there knowing that there's no hierarchy in AA that way. That the minute you think you can work somebody else's program, especially somebody who's helped more people by accident than you have on purpose, you might want to look at the humility section in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was funny.
I was speaking down south a while back, and there was some old-timer with 40 years, and he was just bad-rapping Bill Wilson. Just bad-rapping. He was an egomaniac. And I had a chance to talk to him afterwards, and I said, well, what happened? He said, well, he didn't answer my question when he walked by. Think about it. Bad-rapping a guy. You know what impresses me? We drove here today, drove by the Mayflower Hotel, right?
Are you going to go see that? You're going to see it? You know what the Mayflower Hotel is, right? It's where Bill dropped that nickel and called Bob. Do you understand that every one of us lives were in his hand in that decision? If he'd walked the other way, if he hadn't dropped the nickel, we wouldn't be here. So even if it isn't convenient, we need to help. I started working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He told me to read the book and read the black and white, nothing in between. That annoyed me. And he said, you can't go to discussion meetings. And I said, why? He said, because you won't listen. He said, first half of the meeting, you'll be thinking about what you're going to say. Then it'll get to you and you'll talk, and you'll spend the rest of the meeting thinking about what you should have said.
How did he know? So for years, I didn't go to discussion meetings. And you know what he did, that mean old man? Made me one of the better listeners I know. You see, just because I'm up here talking right now, don't mean in five minutes when we're talking that what you're saying to me isn't equally important. We're all here for one another. I remember he told me I had to act better than I think. He told me, they don't lock you up for how you think, they lock you up for how you act.
I don't care what you think, watch how you act. And at that time, I got a job as a bellhop down in Santa Monica, and I had a nice little coat that fit real well, and a little hat, and I'd sit there from 11 to 7, and the little old ladies would drop their bag on my foot. They'd come in and say, pick up that bag, boy, and I'd think, which one? You were it. But what I'd do is say, yes, ma'am, and I'd go upstairs to the seventh floor, I'd put
[00:40:04]
that bag in the room, flip it open, go to the doorway from my tip, she'd slam the door like to break my fingers. I'm thinking, I'm going to kick in the door, grab this old broad thrower, out the window, I'll watch her splatter. But what I did is said, thank you, and I went downstairs. Now that may not mean much to you, but I'll tell you what it means to me. It's called freedom from the bondage of self.
I never knew. You see, if I thought it, I thought it was the truth. I never knew that I could do different than what I think. Now that may sound crazy to you, but it was a gift to me. I can sum up sponsorship by one quick story. I'm living in Clancy's garage and I'm in the back bathroom out there and shaving one day. And he's walking by and he says, what are you doing? I said, shaving. He said, came in and he said, well, turn on the hot water.
I said, oh, okay, turn on the hot water. He said, get it nice and hot. He said, now put that on your beard. I thought, oh, okay. He said, now reach up there and find some shaving lotion, put that on. Okay, he said, rub it in real good, let it set for a second. He said, now shave. And I went, oh, that's pretty cool. You see, I learned to shave in Scott County Jail at 13 years old. And at 13 years old, you don't ask anybody how you shave.
You just pick up a straight razor and shave, or you're not straight razor, the old Gillette's and shave. And I've been doing that for 10 years. He taught me a new way to shave. He didn't break me all up because I didn't know how to shave. He didn't go dummy. Well, sometimes he did, but not often. And the description was accurate, I might say. But he helped me be a better who I wanted to be. He told me to look people in the eye and talk to them.
He taught me things like never be late for an AA commitment, ever. And I remember one time I was supposed to go with him somewhere at 630, and I got there at 631, and all I smelled was exhaust fumes, you know. I thought, well, that's kind of odd. And I called him the next day. I said, where were you? He said, you weren't there at 630. And I said, well, I got there at 631. He said, what if I was a newcomer, didn't want to go to AA anyway, and see, they didn't even show up.
He said, when you tell somebody you're going to do something, you do it. It's called integrity. I remember going to a meeting in Pasadena, California. I was going to speak, and I had to start all over with God. And what I recommend to you, if you're not happy with your God, start fresh. Start new. Don't profess a faith you don't have. If your life can't depend on it, don't be lying. It's okay. My first honest prayer ever was, God, I don't know if you're there or not.
I sure hope so. It was truth. I didn't know. God, I wanted it. It was a nice idea. But I didn't know. And I started all over with God. I was going to Pasadena. Pasadena out in L.A. was a wealthy area, is a wealthy area. And I thought, ooh, wealthy area, I might get a job. And I caught myself immediately, because you don't hustle in AA. If you do, you'll pay dearly. And I did the same thing I did in the hotel before I left to come over here.
I got down on my knees, and I said, God, just let me go and share the miracle you've performed in my life through Alcoholics Anonymous, and save me from my own nonsense. I don't need anything. I don't want anything from these people. I've been overpaid. And I went and talked. And I talked. And I got done talking, and a guy came up to me afterwards and said, this makes no sense to me. We want to offer you a job.
I said, it makes perfect sense to me. Go ahead. He said, have you ever been in Taiwan? I said, no. He said, have you ever been in show business management? I said, no. He said, be in my office Monday morning. Monday morning, I went into his office, met with this guy. Thursday, I was lifting out of LAX on China Airlines. I was headed to Taipei, Taiwan. I was the new soon-to-be vice president of America on Ice.
I had a cast of 62. I was going over to design costumes and build an ice rink and arrange living situations while flying back and forth to Hong Kong with designer Bill Campbell to build the costumes. How was your week? Now, you know what's amazing about that to me? I showed up for the interview. Somewhere along the line, you told me to quit carrying the bag of ones. All my life, people said, you have so much potential.
And I went, yeah. I'm here to tell you, they've been right, you've been wrong. I showed up for the interview. I showed up for the interview. I had no qualifications for that job whatsoever, except by God's grace, and I decided to walk toward it.
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And I got off the plane in Taipei, and everybody's this tall. And they're looking at me like I'm looking at them, you know. And I know it's just a matter of time before they pull that rope out and tie me down. And it was a wonderful time that I don't have time to go into, but God put me in that situation to do one thing, show me the gifts I've really got, because I wouldn't believe them. You tried to tell me. I wouldn't believe anybody.
Until I saw them, then I couldn't argue anymore. And if you're in AA, if you're new or if you've been here a while, and you're in that rut, take time to let God show you what he's really got inside of you. My old friend Chuck C. used to tell me, Eddie, what you came here looking for, you're looking with. And I know that more today than ever before. Alcoholics Anonymous has done a miracle in my life.
The miracle is simply this. I am enough today. My God and my program is enough. I always needed more. No longer. This is enough. Thank you. I was over there a few months. A guy walked by me and said, You know, you'd be an excellent manager for the Harlem Globetrotters. And I went, Yeah, sure. And I was home three months, and the Globetrotters called me up and said, Mr. Mutom, we've heard wonderful things about you. Would you come and talk to us?
And I said, Certainly. So I suited up and I showed up. Didn't bring my bag of ones. Next thing I knew, I was the manager of the Harlem Globetrotters. Believe me, I don't tell you that out of ego. I tell you that out of God's grace. Because there is no logic on earth that I know of that can get me laying in the middle of the street in Sixth and LeClaire in Davenport, Iowa, to manager the Harlem Globetrotters with a seventh-grade education.
Other than God. I got on the bus, and there's Metal Ark Lemon, there's Curly Neal. I'm thinking, Cool, I got all the money. Don't get much better than this. I was wrong. But it was good. I remember nobody talked to me for 30 days. Nobody. And I knew to do one thing. Do a good job. Be who you are, Eddie. And I remember the day Metal Ark leaned over to me. And talked to me. And then everybody talked to me.
I understood. And I agreed. And that's how you taught me to live today. To do what the difficult things are. Not take the easy or softer way. But to try to get to thinking of how other people feel. Other than my own head. I went to London, met the daughter of the Turkish ambassador. She was Muslim, she was wealthy, she was beautiful. I thought, Well, backgrounds are a lot alike, so we got married. I didn't say all sanity had returned.
And we just should not have gotten married. And I don't mean that as an insult to her or me. We should not have gotten married. We have three wonderful children, and I thank God for them. But that marriage should not have happened, and I don't make excuses for it anymore. She didn't understand Alcoholics Anonymous. And she didn't understand my commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I respect her for that.
However, I disagree. When I was 18 years sober, I lost everything I owned. I made decisions based on self and greed. When I was 18 years sober, they came and they really got personal. They even picked up the Mercedes. And I realized something that happened that I didn't even know happened. And that was simply this. That things outside of my God became my God. Without me knowing. It was who I'd worked for and who I'd become and what I have done.
I'll tell you something quite honestly. I wouldn't even tell you the story about the Globetrotters except for one thing. My sponsor has directed me to share it. To show you the miracle that can happen in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's been a long time ago, and it's a wonderful time. And I still have some wonderful friends as a result of that. But I share it so you know that if that can happen to me,
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whatever your dream is can happen to you. Dare to dream again. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous is about. To me it isn't just about getting sober. Yeah, I've been sober. It's about wanting to be sober, enjoying to be sober, and helping other people to get sober. And thanking God instead of thinking we've got anything to do with it, you know. I was sitting at home one day and God said, Ed, go out and get an education.
And I did what any well-respecting member of AA would do. I went, la la la la la. He called right back. He didn't care. And I had quit smoking at the time, and the doctor told me to start running again. I had quit smoking at the time, and the doctor told me to start running, so I had, and I broke my leg. So I got on my crutches, and I did what you do after you're sober for an Alcoholics Anonymous. And it says in the big book, especially 86, 87, 88, where we will be inspired, and that means God talks to us.
However, keep your sponsor as a decipherer, because at times of war, times of war we tend to write our own messages, you know. But I got my crutches, and I went over to the university, and I said, excuse me, I'd like to go to school. And they said, how many credits do you have? I said, I have bad credits. What's that got to do with anything? And they laughed too, and I said, I shared with them a gift you've given me.
I said, you don't seem to understand. I don't know anything about going to school. I don't know if I'm smart enough to pass a class. I quit school. They booted me out of school in seventh grade, and I didn't pay any attention three years before that. But if you could help me, I'd like to try. And nobody has ever refused me when I've asked honestly. What I've learned, Alcoholics Anonymous taught me about 299s.
And for every member that you got that you got a little annoying with, there's 299 beautiful ones right behind them, you know. And that's with the world out there too, if we can pull our head out of where it don't belong and take a look. I started going to school, and I went on a spiritual retreat, and I had a spiritual awakening. I had a spiritual experience that changed my heart and finished the job that you had started, changing my heart and changing my mind.
God said, I want you to work for me. And I thought, man, you know who you're calling? And he said, yep. Because you know something about my God, it's very simple. I used to think God had a big old book, and every time I did something wrong, he wrote it down. By the time I got to AA, even though I was young, the book was pretty good size. You know the God I believe in? I walked in, God said, hey, this your book?
And I said, yep, that's my book. He said, okay. Ripped it up and said, go and start fresh. You taught me that here. You called it One Day at a Time. It talks in our big book about being reborn. I take it literally. Every single day when I get up and take a shower, I wash away the sins of the world. I start fresh. I wash away the best of my ability, the resentments of yesterday, the fears of yesterday, the angers of yesterday, because I don't need it anymore.
All that does is keep me between me and God. And I'm with God, I'm with everybody in here, whether I like you or not. I love you. And I didn't understand that for a long time. How do you love everybody? I remember there was one guy in a meeting that I thought, you know, five minutes in the parking lot, I could help him find God. And I was driving home thinking, that's not very spiritual, Ed. And you're supposed to love everybody.
How can you do that? And I realized, you know, if he called me at three o'clock in the morning and said, Ed, I think I'm going to drink, you know where I'd be. Right there. You see, I loved him. I just didn't like his behavior much. There's a big difference. I got called into the ministry, and they said, you've got to go get 220 hours worth of college credit. And I said, okay. So I did it, and I took each and every one.
I didn't take any easy ways out. I did it because if I was going to get a degree, it's because I want it. I always thought education was overrated, and after 220 hours of college and graduate studies, I can tell you it definitely is. But the thing about it was, that's what they needed. So I did it. And I got my Master's of Divinity, and I became ordained, and I never missed a day in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Never let us forget that this is the place where the doctors, the psychiatrists, and the clergy come to get sober.
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This is where God is. He's certainly in those houses of worship, whatever it may be. And I celebrate whatever your faith is. Your faith doesn't threaten me, and I hope mine doesn't threaten you. I celebrate it. In fact, let's talk about it, and let's see what we can share about it. Because in Alcoholics Anonymous, you taught me, yours is just as good, and better, I hope, because I can learn from you.
I was preaching on forgiveness about three years ago, and I was giving them heaven because they've had enough of hell. I try not to have thin blue lips, and I try not to go like this. And I'm preaching on this forgiveness, and I stop right in the middle of my talk, and I realize, you know, I hadn't forgiven the guys that killed my father. Well, I'd forgiven them, but I hadn't told them. Well, what's that? That's chump change, is what that is.
That's half a step. It's going to them and making amends. Just because I did it in my head doesn't mean anything. And I stopped, and I said, I'll make a covenant with you that I'll go and I'll seek these people out, and I will make sure they know they're forgiven. And I won't preach on forgiveness until I do. Two and a half weeks later, one of the guys' sentence was overturned. I didn't even know he had an appeal.
How good does AA work? Honest to God, I couldn't remember their names. I couldn't remember the names of the guys who murdered my father. Couldn't. This works. And the press came to me, and they said, they overturned the sentence. They said, retry him or let him go right now. What do you want us to do? Or what do you think they should do? I said, it's time to heal. It's time to start fresh. And they said, he's been in there since he's 17.
He doesn't know how to work. How's he going to live? How's he going to support himself? I said, he can come live with me if he wants. And people were taken back by that. But you let me in your house. I knew what I was capable of. How dare I not open my home to him? And as God would have it, a few weeks later, I was able to walk down that prison I swore I'd never go back into because my brother spent a lot of time there, and I knew I was going to be dead rather than go there.
And I'm walking down that hall, and I walk into a room, and I see a man I haven't seen in 28 years. The last time I saw him, he was sitting in a courtroom, but I waited five minutes with him. And as he stuck out my hand, I said, Sherman, my name's Reverend Ed Mutum, and I'm here to tell you that I forgive you and I love you and that God loves you. And if there's anything in my life I can do, if there's anything I can do, anything ever in my life I can do to make your life better, let me give it to you.
And Sherman looked in my eyes, and he saw the eyes of an old-timer. He didn't quite get it, but he knew I was telling the truth. No more axes to grind. It's time to heal. We stayed two-and-a-half hours, and we ended with a prayer. And they decided to retry him, and I went down to the county attorney, and I asked for mercy from my friend because we had become friends. I didn't expect that. It wasn't even a thought.
I just needed to know I needed to tell him. And I went down to that county attorney, and because of how you've taught me to act in these courtrooms and in Alcoholics Anonymous and in essence in society, he agreed to let him plead to a lesser charge and let him come home instead of spend the rest of his life in prison. About a year-and-a-half ago, I got to go to prison, and they'd only release him to my custody.
And I picked my friend up, and I had to tell him, it's okay for you to open that door now. You can do it. And I went and we ordered a meal in a restaurant, and he didn't know how to order. It was just hold out the tray. And I went and I bought him clothes as you had bought me clothes. And he figured out his size because I didn't know mine either, just because I was too big and I could never afford the right size.
And I got to give my friend what you have given me, unconditional love. And he goofed up, and he went back. And my heart was broken, but we all know, gee, in Alcoholics Anonymous, just like lifers, it's tough out here, man. You know, he isn't an alcoholic. He isn't all this. He just was in the wrong place at the wrong time. When people started shooting, he paid 30 years of his life for it. And we whined because we get laid off.
And he called me a couple of months ago. I hadn't talked to him in a few months. And he said, in March I'm coming home. And he said, I want to apologize to you, and I want to talk to you about maybe you could help me find a place to live. And I said, sure. Because when he came home the first time, he was in a halfway house. I said, you can come live with me. I told you that. So I went and I picked my friend up again.
And he's discharged this time. There's no heat on him. Discharge This Time, There's No Heat on Him, and I don't know if he's gonna make it or not. I'm doing a good job of letting him do what he's gotta do. He don't owe me nothing. You see, I'm just paying back what you've given me.
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But I'd ask you to remember my friend Sherman in your prayers, because he's a good man. He's a bright man. He's articulate, and he could help a lot of people. But the one thing he's gotta find is what you and I find, and we take, some of us take for granted sometimes, and that's a new way of life, literally. We don't care where you've been. We're glad you're here. I know there are people here from all over the world.
Welcome to Akron. This is the place that changed my heart and my mind, and I promise you it'll change yours forever, one day at a time. Thank you. This is the place that changed my heart and my mind, and I promise you it'll change yours too. You're the one that changed my heart and my mind, and I promise you it'll change yours too. You're the one that changed my heart and my mind, and I promise you it'll change yours too.
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You're the one that changed my heart and mind, and I promise you it'll change yours too. You're the one that changed my heart and my mind, and I promise you it'll change yours too. You're the one that's changed my life, and I promise you it'll change yours too. You're the one that changed my heart, and I promise you it'll change yours too. This is the place that changed my heart and my mind, and I promise you it'll change yours too.
You're the one that changed my heart and my mind, and I promise you it'll change yours too. You're the one that changed my life, and I promise you it'll change yours too. I'm going to do my best to make you happy. I'm going to make you happy. I'm going to make you happy. That's my story. It's got two stories.
[01:10:01]
It's a story about myself and you. It's a story about myself and you. It's a story about myself and you. It's a story about