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Source: Ed M – Forgiveness – Part 1 – Speaker Talk (2005) – Date Unknown.mp3 File: ed-m-forgiveness-part-1-speaker-talk-2005-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:14:16
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Hi everybody, my name is Ed M. and I'm an alcoholic. By the grace of God, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, in sponsorship, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink or a mood altering chemical since January 5th of 1971, and for that I'm extremely grateful. And I'm delighted to be here, absolutely delighted to be here. We're going to do a little talking today about forgiveness and I'm not here to tell you that I'm an expert and I know all there is to know about forgiveness. What I'm here to do today is share my experience, strength and hope with you. And share with you how a healing has taken place as a result of Alcoholics Anonymous that was far beyond my comprehension and remains far beyond my comprehension. I would like to take a minute for you to ask the God of your understanding to come into this room and be with you today and have a spirit of forgiveness going in.
If you have any ill feelings or any sad feelings or any feelings of discontent, I would like you just to take a moment and ask them to go outside the room while we fellowship in the spirit of love. Let us take a moment. Amen. All right. Page 64 of the big book. If there's Al-Anons here, I know this isn't approved, but I'm going to read it anyway. All right. Forgive me. No. Resentment. This is page 64 of the big book. Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease. For we have not only been mentally and physically ill, but we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we put them down on paper. We listed people and institutions and principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases, we found it was that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions or personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were burned up. Now, the most amazing thing I found is people read that and know that, but they don't get that at the end of that, you're not supposed to be burned up anymore. Myself, I come from an environment where anger served me very well. It preserved my being. If it wasn't for my anger, I wouldn't have been here. Because I come from an environment where it was an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. I always joke and I say, you know, I come from a very elite group of people called white trash. And you know, I laugh about that today, but I also need to tell you that was the toughest thing for me to get over once I got sober. It only took me about the first 20, 25 years. So I'm not here telling you that, oh, there's magic answers to this and that. I just want to share my experience, strength and hope with you. There's another page here that's very important to me, and it talks about your anger. And it just basically says that anger, we can't afford. And I thought, well, they don't understand me. I can afford it. I spent a number of years working on my anger. I'd like to share a couple results with you of that. I was in Bowling Green, Kentucky a few years ago, and a guy came up to me and said, Ed, do you remember me? And I said, no, not really. And I didn't because it was a big group I attended. He said, well, I remember you. I used to go to meetings with you. And I said, oh, yeah, yeah. How you been? He said, good, good. He said, I remember. And I said, why would you remember that? And he said, you knocked the guy out with one punch. I'm a spiritual guru. You can't say things like that. And I didn't want to hear it. I really didn't want to hear it, but it was true. So when he said that, I looked back at it. Now, I need to tell you, going in under no circumstances is there any justification ever to touch anybody physically and alcoholics around us. But I remember at that time I was processing my anger. I was working through it. Breathing deeply. And I was fine. Thank you very much. And I was sitting in this meeting and it was a discussion
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meeting and it was a 30 minutes participation, a coffee break and then a main speaker. And
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this guy obviously knew was sitting in front of me. Yeah, that that that that. And I couldn't hear the speaker, the participants. So I tapped him on the shoulder and I said, excuse me, can you hold it down? I can't hear who's participating. He said, oh, OK. Participation got done. And at the coffee break, he turned around and he said, why are you telling me to shut up? I said, no, no, I'm not telling you to shut up. And I'm explaining to him the rules of the meeting and being nice and little Alice, who knew me much better than Ed knew me. Little Alice, come over, said, Big Ed, sit down. Big Ed, sit down. I said, oh, Alice, I'm fine.
And I continue to explain it to him. And I talk a little more. Alice is in front of me again. Big Ed, sit down. Big Ed, sit down. I said, oh, honey, I'm fine. Don't worry. And right as I turned around, this guy poked me right in the chest and said, don't you ever. And the next thing I know is he's flying over four rows of chairs. And my first thought is, how am I going to explain this to my sponsor? And I went around the four rows of chairs and I made amends immediately, woke him up. And made amends and sponsored him for the next five years. He said he'd been around AA before, but nobody had ever gotten his attention. Now, with all that laughing and joking, I got to tell you, that was one of the most embarrassing times in my life in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I lived in Southern California for about 16 years. And road rage is wonderful. You can get away with every single character defect you ever had on the road. Not that any of you would flip people off and cut them off. But out there they do. And they kind of ram cars and it kind of gets physical from time to time. It's really good. I really like it. And I'm going out at about this same time. I'm going out to Pasadena, excuse me, Thousand Oaks to share my spiritual message. And a guy comes by and cuts me off. Now, maybe I cut him off. I don't know. But he comes by and cuts me off and slams on the brakes and says I'm number one.
And then he did something I always loved that they do. He went, pull over. I thought, excellent, let's pull over. And he pulled over, and I pulled over, and then he did it. He got out of his car. I thought, well, fair play now. I unfolded out of my car and I walked up and I grabbed him by his crotch from the top of his shirt and I threw him over his car. And I thought, Ed, you're probably not supposed to be acting this way 15 years over. So I did the proper thing you're supposed to do. I went over and I picked him up and I brushed him off and put him back in his car. And I sat there and I was making amends. I said, you know, I'm in a 12-step program, and when we do something, his eyes got about this big.
Yet if you would ask me on forgiveness, I'm doing just fine. I'm doing just fine. Thank you very much. I'm working through it. I can't work through it. I have to surrender it. It took all that for me to understand that the book is correct. Those are luxuries I can still afford. Now, that's a problem, because if you take my anger away, you're going to take away most of my self-identification. It's what kept me going. I am so glad I was angry when I was a kid because they would have eaten me alive. But after I came to you at the age of 20, you told me that I had to change my heart and my mind and that these steps would do that. But I still kind of felt like I was an exception to the rule. I started doing something when I was a kid that if I'm not careful, I can do this very day. And I call it my 299 to 1. I could walk into a room of 300 people, 299 could turn around to me and say, Ed, you're the best. And one could go, jerk. Guess who I remembered? I can tell you the name of every teacher that was mean to me. I've got to think a few minutes to tell you of all that were kind to me, which was far greater than the ones that were mean to me. But I'm a collector of ones. Once I got my one, I can be angry and justified about
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it. I remember church. Oh, that was fun. I really liked church. There was always the same pastor, it seemed to me, with thin blue lips. All those pastors have thin blue lips. You're going to burn in hell, young man. You're going to burn in hell. I thought, how do you know? I've only been here 20 minutes. Probably all it took to realize where I was going to burn in hell. But I hated him. And I can remember there was one guy that would sit up front all the time and he looked holier than thou. He always looked so prim and proper. And his wife was there and she had a look too. And I thought, you know, this guy looked a lot happier in the bar last night. And I don't know who that grumpy is he's sitting with, but the other chick seemed a lot more fun. So I had my one for church. Hypocrites. Who are they kidding? Now, I know you're not this sick, but I'm this sick. I didn't just judge that guy and his wife or that pew or that church. I judged entire organized religion by my narrow point of view. And it took me years to stop hating the church as if they really ever did anything to me. You know, I remember I was a few months sober. At about six months sober, you get honesty. At about eight months, you get a little tact to go with it. You know what I mean? And Father Tom was there and Father Tom still does has thin blue lips. And he said to me one day, Ed, why don't you come back to church? And I had the honesty part. And I said, I'll tell you why I don't go to church. It's full of thieves, hypocrites and liars. And he looked at me and said, well, Ed, why don't you come?
One more won't hurt. I had a tough time forgiving God. I mean to offend absolutely no one. And I need to preface this with this was the way I felt. It's certainly not the way I feel anymore. But in my heart and mind, God was a punk. And I often said if he'd come down in front of me, I'd beat the sheet off him. And I wasn't saying it nicely. Why would I do that? Because of all the things he did to me. I remember I had a ten year old cousin that was hit. When I was ten years old, I had a cousin that if there should anybody ever close to God, it was Linda. She did everything right. She was walking across the street and got hit by a bus, knocked a hundred feet and killed. And I went to the funeral home.
You know what I heard people say? Remember, I'm a collector of ones. And the ones I collected was God must have wanted an angel. And I thought, so he hits you with the truck. I'll pass. And I still do. I resented God because I was told God took people out of my life. It was God's time. I still don't believe that. But that's what I believed then. And the first thing I had to do in forgiveness is forgive the God of my misunderstanding before I could find the God of my understanding. But the God of my misunderstanding was very familiar.
It's like anger and resentment. I used to think if I give all this up, what am I going to have? If I give all this up, what's going to be left? And it's called peace. But I had no idea what that was because I'd never experienced it before. I don't know about you, but from my earliest memories, there was a war in my gut. And there was a war in my head. And alcohol seemed to call ceasefire temporarily. And it's the only thing that, well, everything else that I took too. I'm one of those. I believe in singleness of purpose. And I'll just simply say this. You never heard me say, oh, what will that do to you? It was, anymore?
But I had to have that peace because I was full of resentment and anger from the day I was born. I resented the parents I was given. I was the youngest of seven children. We went without food a day at a time. For a lot of times. Why? Because the old man would drink up the check every now and then. I resented that I had to go to school and fight the kids because I was wearing hand-me-down clothes. You know, if it would have been, oh, forty-five years later, I would have been really hip today. But at that time, it wasn't hip. And I resented that and I was angry at that. And I got to believe that it was all God's fault.
It's always easier to blame somebody else, at least in my experience, than question how I think about them. than question how I think about things.
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And the greatest thing I found in Alcoholics Anonymous, at least for me, is it challenges everything I've ever believed. My old friend Chuck C. used to say, the only thing he hadn't changed since he'd been sober is the multiplication tables. And I tend to agree with him. I told you that. I lived on the streets. I was arrested at 13 years old for possession of a sawed-off shotgun. I had decided already then if anybody was going to do the hurting, it would be me instead of you.
I started telling that lie that almost killed me sober. You may be familiar with it. It's called, I Don't Care. Look what you're doing to your mom. I don't care. Look what you're doing to that ex-wife and baby. I don't care. Look what you're doing to yourself. I don't care. I started telling that lie and believed it a long time. The night I got sober, I knew one thing. That it didn't matter how I was raised anymore.
I need to share with you that when I was a child, I was molested. When I was 8, 9 years old, by the next door neighbor lady. And I loved every minute of it. I'm sorry. I know it's hip to be tragic. But that's my story. I loved every minute of it. I'd never had anybody close to me before. I'd never had anybody talk to me that way. Was it right? No. I'm not saying it was right. But I also got to be honest with my experience.
There were so many things in my life after I got sober that I had to quit being the victim. It had to quit being a part of my identity. I remember I was talking down in Texas a few years back. And a woman came up to me and said to me, You know, I've hated my father for 56 years and he's been dead for 20. And I thought, wow, that's a lot of work. And I said, why do you resent him? And of course I knew by her tone.
She said, he molested me when I was a baby. And I said, so you've kept the molestation alive for the last 20 years because he's been dead, right? And it was kind of clicked with her. I said, well, what do you mean? I said, well, he's been dead. What good does that resentment do? What healing does that cause in your life? Then she asked me a question that was a great question. It's one of those that just come up.
And she said, Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, at least that's what you sounded like. She said, answer me this. If I die and go to heaven, what do I do if he's there? That's a great question. And without a bat of an eye, I said, wouldn't that be great? What better place to meet him? Because he knows that knows the harm he's done. He's asked for forgiveness. You know, all the time we say that Lord's Prayer, or hopefully all the time we say that Lord's Prayer.
There's a little sentence in there that people tend to say too fast or not get. It says, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us. As we forgive those who trespassed against us. Now, when I was a year sober, I was angry. I was angry for a lot of years. But I was angry and I was scared. And I'd just been a year sober. And my father was murdered. And he was murdered by five young black men who hated white people.
And they walked into a bar and they just opened fire and shot everybody. And I'm saying that unemotionally now, but I can guarantee it wasn't unemotionally then. Especially when I walked into that murder scene and I saw that blood and my dad's glasses all smashed up. And I got hurt and I got angry. And I went back to that God of my misunderstanding. And I thought, you know, God's just getting even with the old man for things I did.
Because I remember that preacher saying, whatever you do will go in your life for generations. I remember going to court, having to testify against this guy. And one of the guys sitting there with his little attitude, and I thought, you give me five minutes with him, we don't need a trial. And they convicted him. And I told you that story to tell you this one. A number of years later, I was able to walk into a prison and get that young man out of jail and have him come live with me.
So he could get a better start in life. Now, where did I learn that? I learned that in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I learned that if I'm unwilling to forgive, they own me. Lock, stock and barrel. You want to know how well this program works? I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but it's honest to God true.
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I could not remember the names of the guys who killed my father. Now, man, you want to hang on to that crap and share it in meetings, don't you? You know? I mean, that could… The other thing is, my mother, God, I love my mother. My mother was one of the finest women I ever knew, but she loved pain. She just did. She'd wring every ounce of pain she could get out of any situation. I can remember one day she called me and said, Ed, I just wanted to call you and tell you that this is the day that Aunt Gracie died.
And I said, Mom, Aunt Gracie died ten years before I was born. Oh, I know, but I just thought you should know. And Mom would be sad all day. I had a number of tragic deaths in my family. My father was murdered. I've had two brothers killed by drunk drivers. Brother-in-law committed suicide. Sister-in-law committed suicide. Another brother-in-law put a gun to his head. Another brother-in-law put a gun to his head.
His head ballooned up like a helium balloon. He lived for two years and then died as a vegetable. I've been married and divorced. I've done a lot of things, but I've learned this. That God is present in all those situations, if I choose to look at it that way. If I choose to look at it that way. In forgiveness, in my opinion, what's most important is that you have a God of your understanding. And I don't care what God that is.
I support anybody's belief. I don't care what it is. You know, I always get tickled in AA. They say, oh, you can have any higher power you want. You can have a tree stump. You can have a doorknob. And you know I'm all for that if that's what you believe. If you honestly believe that, good. Keep growing. Keep growing. Keep coming back. They said you can have your sponsor. You can have your group. About the only thing you can't mention is Jesus.
You do that and I'll ask you to leave. But we don't judge. Isn't that funny? Isn't that funny? The thing I love about AA is everybody can share about their own faith. We don't want you trying to convert anybody to anything. Just share your experience, strength, and hope. And when that happens, a healing begins. A healing that's beyond my imagination. How could I ever forgive myself for all the things I've done?
By the way, there's baskets around and there's pads. If you want to write down something that you'd like to ask about or a question, I'll be happy to answer them. We'll take a little time. If you don't have anything, that's fine, too. I've done this a time or two and sometimes there's people who want to write down things. There's pads at the end. Please don't take papers out of the basket because that's questions people have put in.
Use the pads on the end there. I've lost my place. I've got to start all over. My name's Ed and I'm an alcoholic. But it's got to be a God of my understanding. I remember when I started going to A&A. And God, it was just annoying to me because everybody was nice. I remember I was about three weeks sober and everybody was being so nice to me. And I nudged this guy sitting next to me. I said, what do these people want from me?
He said, what have you got that anybody would want? Never looked at it that way before. But I had a tough time being around nice people. I had a real tough time being around nice people. Why? Because I felt dirty inside. I felt dirty where you can't scrub. God, I wanted to feel clean, but I just felt dirty. And I need to tell you, that goes along with my earliest memories. My earliest memories. And there were things that had happened in my life sexually that happens to as many inventories as I've heard, happens to most people I've ever talked to.
And I always wanted to feel dirty and different about it. And now I know it's called experimentation. And just because we didn't know and we tried things and we didn't try things and we did things and we regretted them, but to leave them back there instead of keep beating myself and molding myself with them today. The other thing they talked about in AA that really confused me is living one day at a time.
And I've been doing this a little over 34 and a half years and I'm still not very good at it. But I'm better than I've ever been. I was talking with a person that I'm working with and she called and I talked to her about five days in a row. And I finally said, you know, all your problems are yesterday and tomorrow. Your days are going quite smooth. And she started laughing. She said, that's true. And I said, yeah.
You know, what problems do I have in my life right now? And the answer is none.
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You're safe. You're secure. You're around people that love you, whether you like it or not. And you're in the best place you can be. Now, mentally, you can go wherever you want to go. But forgiveness, I had to. It was tough for me. I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself. You can go wherever you want to go. But forgiveness, I had to. It was tough for me to forgive myself. It was really tough for me to forgive myself.
I can remember the looks in my mother's eye. I can remember. Now, you've got to remember, for years I said I don't care. So it didn't register. All this started happening after I got sober. I remember I was at a meeting one night and my big speech for the meeting was, you know, my drinking didn't affect anybody but me. That was my speech for the night. And we went out for coffee and that. And for some reason I was staying at Mom and Dad's house.
They had kicked me out of the house at 13 years old for good reason, I might add. And I was staying back there. And at 1 o'clock in the morning I walked in and there was Mom in the big chair, Dad's big chair, and tears streaming down her face. And I said, Mom, what's wrong? And she said, Eddie, there were police cars and sirens and I didn't know where you were. I'd been out of the house six years at that time.
And it hit me, how many nights had she sat there? And how do you forgive yourself for something like that? You do it a day at a time. You do it a day at a time. That's what I've come to find out. I found out that I've got to believe in what you see in me rather than what I see in me. I've got to believe in your judgment more than my judgment. I've got to believe that I'm one of God's kids too in spite of what I think.
And that's tough. A lot of people would come and talk to me or call me. One of the toughest assignments I give them is I say, I want you to start treating yourself as if you were one of God's kids. I want you to start treating yourself as if you actually like you. And their eyes crossed. And they'll go, how do you do that? And I said, well, who do you like? Is there somebody you really like and love and admire?
And I said, how do you treat them? And they tell me, I said, okay, start applying that to yourself. It's called forgiveness, as I understand it. Love. The willingness to treat myself as I would a newcomer who comes into these programs. A willingness to treat myself with the same acceptance. I remember I was in the prison a while back and Dale was there and I do a lot of restorative justice. Restorative justice, if you don't know, I don't know if they're doing it down here or not, I sure hope so.
It's when you bring the perpetrator and the victim together and healing takes place. The recidivism is about 11% compared to 88% who don't go through it. And most of the time the people end up friends. It's marvelous. And I was talking to Dale and I said, Dale, what you in here for? He said, oh, murder. And I said, well, what'd you do? And he said, well, they got annoyed at the way I killed the guy.
And I said, well, what's that? And he said, well, it was cold and the ground was frozen so I chopped him up with a buzz saw and put him in a barrel until spring so I could bury him. And he's doing the rest of his natural life. And I said, you mind if I say some prayers with you? He said, no, no. He said, why would you want to say some prayers with me? I said, because you're a valuable human being. And you have the right to be here.
And that tough old murderer got tears in his eyes. And he said, do you mean that? I said, absolutely. You know, what commandment is it that we're not forgiven for? Which one is the worst? You know. And that's what I loved about the spirit of Alcoholics Anonymous and the spirit of Al-Anon that I've witnessed. When people walk into these rooms, we don't care where you've come from. At least that was my experience.
It may be different now. We don't care where you've come from. We're just delighted that you're here. And we're hoping that your life can begin now. But the only way in my experience that healing can take place is if I let it. And that was the toughest thing for me to do because I wanted to hang on to yesterdays. And forgiveness is not only the big stuff. And forgiveness is not only the big stuff. It's the little stuff. The little stuff will
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kick your butt quicker than the big stuff. Well, they're not calling me in the meeting. I wonder why they're not calling on me. Maybe I should change home groups. That's what I should do. My sponsor looked at me funny. I won't call him anymore. There's a lot of people in a lot of pain with a long time sober. And they're doing a lot of different things now that a lot of them aren't very good for. And I have the… I sure don't want to call it pleasure.
I've had the task of burying many of them. And I can tell you that of those that I know, about 90 percent of them, their biggest problem was inability to forgive themselves, inability to forgive the crimes of the past, inability to forgive their parents, their wives, their ex-wives. Oh, exes. Those are good. Those are good. I have an ex-wife who just hates me. But she does it well. She does bad. She's an excellent at it.
And we have three children, one of which is talking to me now, which I celebrate. We got a divorce, and she's never been in Al-Anon, and she pretty much hates every breath I take. And I can do one of two things. Those children hate me. One started talking to me about two months ago. Thank you, God. Appreciate that. Now, I can do a couple of things. I can sit every day and whine about me not being able to be with my children.
I can sit every day and think about that so-and-so that's doing that to my kids. Or I can live my life, and I can forgive her for her humanness, because that's all it is. It's my choice. A lot of people come to me and say, you know, Ed, I'm having trouble figuring out who my God is. And I say, well, that's the easiest answer in the world. You want to know who your God is? And they say, yeah. And I say, what do you spend most of your time thinking about?
That's a no-brainer. Interesting, isn't it? How many of you have your resentments as your God? Are the exes your God, or your boss is your God? Are those people at work as your God? And as long as I have anything but my God as my God, I can only end up uncomfortable and diseased. Oh, that might be for me. If it's the wife, tell her I'm not here. Oh, there she is again, yeah. Do we have any baskets? Are there any questions in there anywhere?
Here we go. Oh, we got a bunch of sick ones. Okay. I like it. There again, it's not, oh, thank you. It's not that I'm an authority, I just will try to share my experience, strength and hope with you. Thank you. Come forward for the healing. Boy, this is an excellent one. How do you know the difference between grieving and resentment? Do you get that? How do you know the difference between grieving and resentment?
My mother was a professional griever. She had it all planned out during the year. And that's the way she lived. I'm not making fun of my mom. That's the way she lived. What I found is this. A woman came to talk to me when I was… By the way, I became a minister over the years. Don't hold that against me. It's true. It's funny, people will be talking to me when I come to a conference. They'll be telling me jokes and having a great time.
And then somebody will come by and say, you're a minister, aren't you? And I'll go, yeah. And then I'll turn back to the other people and they're going… Don't judge. I just merely report.
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I remember when I got my first church, the only place in town to eat was a little bar and they had great hamburgers. And I'd walk up to that door and there'd be all kinds of noise and laughing and joking. And I'd walk in and… Morning, Reverend. Nice to see you. How do you know the difference between grieving and resentment? Well, there are several different questions I could ask you about that, but I don't want to put you on the spot, so let me go with…
With the grieving, I believe there is a natural process of grieving, but I also believe some of us, it becomes a payoff for us. I hate to tell you that there was a payoff for me for being the son of a murder victim, but there was. And the day I realized it, I got sick to my stomach. I'd walk into a room, oh, that's Ed. You know, his dad was murdered. Oh. Yeah. I had a guy a while back, about three years ago, two years ago, walk into me and he said…
It was on a Monday and he said, you know, Ed, Friday I'm going to be really depressed. And I thought, well, at least you're scheduling them. That's good. You've got a little organization in your life. I said, why are you going to be depressed? And he said, it's the anniversary of my daughter's death. And I said, oh, and it had been a few years. And I was thoughtful and careful for a minute, and I said, well, why don't you do this?
Thursday night, put your favorite picture of your daughter right by your bed. And when you wake up in the morning and open your eyes, you look at her and you celebrate her life. You celebrate every curl on her head, every smile you've ever shared, every hug she ever gave you. And all day long, lift her memory up and celebrate and thank God that she was a part of your life. Or you can make it all about you.
She got mad and stormed out, and I understood. Because you had a good two weeks to go in the meetings. Why are you sad, Fred? Oh, well. If there's a payoff, it's not usually healthy. Now, grieving or resentment, I don't know if you mean resentment toward the person or toward maybe God or toward maybe the situation. I know that for me, when the priest at my father's funeral said that God didn't rip people out of people's lives, my father's name was Cliff.
He used to always say, my name's Cliff, drop over sometime. The priest at this funeral said, you know, a lot of people would say Clifford's death is God's will. He said, I don't believe that for a minute. He said, I believe God created human beings and gave them a free will. Some of these people chose to do this act, and now it's God's will. It's like the weight of the world fell off my shoulders, and I didn't have to blame anymore.
I used to say, if there's a God, why are children starving in Africa? It's real simple. We're upping our phone bill minutes instead of sending them a few dollars. Don't blame God anymore. And that's the reality. If cancer's rampant, what are we going to do? Well, we're going to stop polluting everything we touch or blame it on everybody else. One of the two. Don't blame God anymore. So if it's that kind of resentment, you think God ripped somebody out of your life or why God did that to you, boy, I understand that.
I had a brother that had come back from his second tour of Vietnam. He'd been home 30 days, and he had a wife and three children. He was 23 years old, and he was at Miramar out in California. He was a naval aviation mechanic. He was on his way to base, and three drunk Marines come up over the hill doing 80. Three drunk Marines who happened to be brothers swung into his lane and killed him and killed them.
And we buried him on December 24th in Iowa with a full military funeral. And, you know, for years, December 24th was ruined. And then one day I thought, why should I let one December 24th ruin all of it? So it depends on when you say are you grieving or resentment. I'd be happy to talk to you afterwards, have a cup of coffee and talk to you a little bit more, because it isn't quite clear to me just what you mean.
But I know this, that there's a proper grieving, but there's a time when I have to give my grieving to God, just like everything else. And if I'm in charge of my grieving, guess what?
[00:40:00]
It's pretty self-obsessed and controlling, you know, in my experience. There was a great story about – I saw it on a show a while back, and there was a man who was on there who his son was killed four years ago, and this man's heart was broken. And he would just sob every day thinking of his son. He would just sob. And on the show I was watching, the guy said, I want you – he said, do you have a Christian belief?
What's belief? He said, yes, I'm a Christian. He said, okay, he said, I want you to just close your eyes for a minute. And the guy closed his eyes, and I mean just talking about it, there were tears streaming down this man's face. His heart was badly broken. He said, I want you to envision the gates of St. Peter, and I want you to envision a long line of people coming up to St. Peter and lighting a candle and going through the gate.
He said, do you see it? He said, yeah. He said, I see it. He said, okay, now I want you to visualize your son sitting over on the left on a bench with an unlit candle. Do you see him? He said, yeah, I see him. He said, okay, he said, I want you to ask your son why he's sitting there, and I'll answer for your son. And his dad said, son, why are you sitting there? He said, Dad, every time I light my candle to go in for peace, your tears drowned it out, and I can't go through.
I guess the end of grieving is when we're ready to let them have peace. At least that's been my experience, when I'm ready to let them have peace no matter what, no matter who did it, no matter how it happened, just to let them have peace. I hope that's an answer. Do you think that anger and resentments are caused by one's low self-esteem? If I can be resentful, am I putting myself in the position of judgment?
To be in judgment is to put yourself in the position of superiority. Well, I don't like the word self-esteem because, you know, in our book, it really is powerful when it says selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our problem. That's why I love people who go talk about themselves for two hours every week and wonder why they're more screwed up. I don't know. Gee, I can't figure it out. So for my purposes, I'll call it God-esteem.
God-esteem. I like the word God-esteem because I think God-esteem is the goodness that I have in me and you have in you. You ever heard in AA, if you point your finger at somebody else, there's three pointing back at you? Ever notice how we always think of that in a negative sense? I got news for you. Works for the goodness, too. If you see something in somebody else that really moves you or touches you, the only way you can recognize it is it exists in you.
And I believe the steps are the only way I know to let that come out. So anger and resentments, for me, isn't a matter of low self-esteem. It's a matter of low God-esteem. I'm going to let them be my God for a while. I'm going to let them be my God for a while because that's what they can do. I have to find ways of surrendering that anger, not controlling that anger. I have to find ways to lift up that resentment rather than work on that resentment.
I always get tickled when people are working on their defects. That's going to work out just fine. Yeah, you bet. Yeah, good luck to you. All right, we'll do one more, and then we'll talk some more. If you have problems with your family because of my alcoholic behavior, well, I don't have family because of your alcoholic behavior. How can I prove to them changing the old behavior if I'm not allowed the activity Oh, good question. The activity to participate. When will they forgive me?
Man, that's a good one, isn't it? If you have a problem with your family because of your alcoholic behavior, you know, I'm kind of a funny alcoholic. I don't know about you, whoever wrote this, but, you know, when I ask for forgiveness, I want it now. Thank you very much. If you ask for forgiveness, we'll see. I have the pleasure of working with a lot of new people, and I love it, and I sponsor a lot of new people.
And it's always amazing how when they're sober 30 days, they can't figure out why nobody trusts them anymore. Gee, can't they see that I'm sober? I hope that your family is involved with Al-Anon or Alateen. That would be my prayer, but if not, I'll tell you. That would be my prayer, but if not, I'll tell you something I found out. That if I want my family to change, it's up to me to change.
[00:45:00]
It's not up to me to wait for my family to change. I hear all the time in AA, you know, Ah, well, the toughest place to work this program is at home. That's a load of crap. It's the last place you ever attempt it. That's the problem. You know, we're too busy looking good at meetings. How you doing? Fine, yeah. You're looking lovely. Day and time. Good to see you. Going home and kicking the dog. Still not taking out the garbage and saying mean things to everybody.
And they're saying, Oh, this AA stuff is really good. I like that, yeah. So if you're changing the old behavior, I'm delighted for you. I hope you continue. But regardless of whether they change or not, you need to change for you. And I remember the night my father was murdered. The only reason I went there is he had asked me for dinner. And there would have been a time when I wouldn't have gone out of resentment for my father.
And I remember I went that night because people in AA said, If your home situation is going to change, it's because you're going to change it. And I went there with a new attitude. And I went there and halfway through dinner, Dad said to me, Boy, here it comes. I said, Yeah, pop me. He said, Just want to tell you I'm proud of you. Now, I got to tell you, when I walked in the house that night, had you hooked up a lie detector to me and said, Do you care what your old man thinks?
I would have said no, and it would have said true. I'm so grateful I was so horribly wrong. But when he said that to me, it meant more than I could ever imagine. So if you're having trouble with your family and your old behavior and not allowed the activity to participate, well, how much time does it take you to pray and change? I remember I walked up to my sponsor one time and I said, You know, I hope you got a sponsor.
I'm a strong believer in home group and sponsorship. And run any of this by your sponsor. And if he says I'm full of beans, then I am. I'm not in the mood to argue. But one of the things I asked my sponsor one time is, I said, How do you become a gentleman? Because that's all I ever wanted to be. When I was fighting cops, when I was screaming and yelling and saying every filthy word in my heart, all I wanted to do was get along and be liked.
That's all I ever wanted to do. And I said to him, How do you be a gentleman? And he said to me the oddest thing. He said, You act that way, Ed. I would have never thought of that in a million years. Don't you have to go through a process and a cleansing? So I say to you, If you want to be a better parent, act like it. If you want to be a better spouse, act like one. If you want to be a better son or daughter.
I was 28 years old. I had this job that was a pretty big deal. And I went home, and at that time I was traveling a lot. Amazing things had happened in my life. They did a big spread on me in the hometown paper, Hometown Boy Makes Good. And I remember I'm staying at Mom's house. And I get dressed, and I'm going out. I'm going to a meeting. You know, Mom said, Where are you going? And I'm thinking, I travel all over the world.
I'm some sort of big deal. And that's what I'm thinking. You know what I said to a meeting, Mom? You know what she said next? What time are you going to be home? And in my head I thought, How dare you ask me what time I'm going to be home? I'm six foot eleven, three hundred and sixty. I'll come home any time I want. And what I heard me say is, Mom, I'll be home about ten thirty. If I'm going to be late, I'll give you a call.
You know what she had the nerve to say? Okay, honey. I was 28 years old before I ever let my mother be my mother. It was always a war. Always a war. And she forgave me for that before she died. Because I got to be a good son. I quit taking her in the story and started working on mine. And I started seeing all the areas I lacked in being a good son. A loving and attentive son. When I got the call that she had cancer.
And I went home and I spent the last year of her life with her. And there was not one cross word between us. And the day I buried her, I really didn't cry. Because I believe Mom went into that other place where I hope to go someday. But what I was most pleased about is she knew that I loved her. And I showed it. Talks cheap. Talks cheap. You know, when you look at all those relationships in your life that you want to continue to resent and be mad at.
[00:50:00]
I would suggest that you look at your side of the street. Because my experience has been. When I take care of my side of the street. Healing takes place of things that I never knew. And you know, I didn't know the effect I had on my family. I was 25 years sober. And I'm up in Wisconsin with my sister. My older sister. She's really old. She's two years older than me. We're driving down the road. And we're talking about a wonderful time in my life when they committed me to the Iowa State Medal Institution.
I was in five-point restraint. Doing just fine. Thank you very much. And they had me drugged up. And my sister's in the backseat. Talked 25 years. Well, actually, about 27 years later. My sister's in the backseat. And she's talking about this. And she starts crying. And I said, Sis, what's wrong? She said, You're my baby brother. I lost you. You were gone. Had tears. I could have swore I did that eighth and ninth step.
Could have swore I did. Seems I forgot that. Or didn't even know it. And I said, Oh, Sis, I am so sorry. She said, Oh, Ed, I know God's touched your life and he brought you back. But I'll never forget my baby brother being in that condition. Ever. But she forgives me. Why? Because I asked to be. I was always so self-righteous. Always had the right to be angry. The right to be this. The right to be that.
And you know, in today's life in sobriety, when I get in trouble is when I'm demanding my rights. I need to stay surrendered and I need to be a vessel of God's love. That's harder said than done some days, but it's like loving people. If you only love the people you like, you aren't much at all. What about the people you can't stand? That's an act of love. When the guy that killed my father came home, he was living with me and I went down to work to pick him up.
And he had started walking home and he'd spent at that time 30 years in maximum security prison. He went in there when he was 17. And he had left for work. He got tired of waiting for me. I guess I was running a little bit late. And I come up to pick him up and he got in the car and tears were just streaming down his face. Now, this is a big guy. And he said, Pastor Eddie, I can't take it. I got to go back to prison.
He said, the noise is just so loud. These cars and all this noise coming up behind you. He said, it's just so loud. I can't take it. I can't make it out here. And I was able to hold him and hug him and said, you know, I believe in you. And I believe in miracles because I've experienced them. And I believe you can do this. Now, did I do that because I'm a good guy? No. I did that because that's the way you taught me to behave.
I am responsible. You know. I might be the only example anybody ever sees of what I choose to represent. And I don't want people to ever forget that. I don't want people to ever forget that. And I don't want people to ever forget that. And I was able to sit there with my friend when he just was plotting his way back and convincing him that maybe he can make it a day at a time on the outside. And he's having deep troubles right now.
I don't know if he'll be out much longer or not. But if you're the praying type, my friend's name is Sherman. If you would keep him in prayers that he might find some answers, I'd sure appreciate it. One of the things I found about most of the things I hate is I am of the same type. I remember I was sitting in my sponsor's office one day and there was this pro football player who will remain anonymous.
He was with the Los Angeles Rams and he was married to a famous actress. And he had a problem exposing himself to children on street corners. And he did it once and there was a little press about it. Well, he did it again and all heck broke loose. He lost his career, he lost everything, got divorced, everything. And he's down in my sponsor's place doing community service. And I walk in and my sponsor introduces him to me and said, This is Ed, he's a recovering alcoholic.
And I said, Yeah, hi, how are you? Good, yeah. And then my sponsor leaves him and this guy turned to me and said, You know, I have a problem exposing myself to children. And I said, You know, I don't really know a whole lot about that. He said, Oh, I thought you said you were an alcoholic.
[00:55:01]
And I said, Yeah, what about it? He said, Yeah, you'd know nothing about having a compulsion to do something. And if you do it, it'll cost you everything you've ever loved and you'd do it anyway. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? And I apologized to him immediately. See, everything I hate, I have the same capabilities. It may be in different areas. The other thing I want to touch on quick is what I hear a lot in AA.
And it just makes me crazy. I'm only human. Duh. But to me, that's like saying, I'm only a raccoon. I'm only a rat. You know, if you want to be human, my hair's off to you. That's why I like a relationship with God. Why? Because it helps me rise above my humanness. Being human is full of resentment and anger and hate and mistrust. I don't want to be human. I don't want to be human anymore. I want to be above it.
And you know, our 12 steps, if I read this book correctly, says it rockets us into a fourth dimension of living and will help me rise above that. And I've seen that happen in my life. I believe that. Imagine if we really started applying that in our life. I'm always amazed at the people who need proof to have faith. Okay. Faith is believing when there is no proof. Faith is believing that if I keep going to these meetings, I'm going to stay sober.
I talk to so many people who say they don't have faith and they've been regular attenders for years. I talk to people who claim to be atheists and say, I don't believe in anything greater than me. Greater than me, I said, how long have you been coming by? He said, 24 years. Come every day. Okay. You know. But I've got to have faith. Faith is not a written guarantee that my faith is going to pay off.
Faith is that I believe in spite of what I think or I see. One of the greatest things I've been taught in my walk of faith and in forgiveness is my feelings are not facts. My feelings are not facts. I never knew that. I thought if I thought it, then it was true. I remember my sponsor, he told me, he said, they don't lock you up for how you think. They lock you up for how you act. I don't care what you think.
Watch how you act. And I remember he got me a job as a bellhop from 11 to 7. And it was cute. I had a little blue suit on and a little blue cap and a little coat that came up to here. And little old ladies would come in and drop their bag on my foot. Pick up that bag, boy. And I'd think, which one? You were it. But what I did is I said, yes, ma'am. And I'd take up that bag and I'd take it upstairs and I'd take it into the room and I'd flip it open and wait for my tip.
And she'd slam the door and like to break my fingers. And I'm thinking, I'm going to kick her in the door, grab this old broad, throw her out the window and watch her splatter. But what I did say, thank you. And I went downstairs. Doesn't sound like much, does it? Biggest reason I'm standing in front of you today is called freedom from the bondage of self. I didn't know that I could do other than what I thought.
Sounds crazy, but I didn't know that. How do I remain in the state of forgiveness? By discipline. By discipline. I can't think about forgiving them. I've just got to do it. And any days I don't, guess what? It's more than happy to come back. My lower power is just alive and well. And if I'm not paying attention to my higher power, guess who's knocking on my door? It's me, remember me? I'll fix them, I'll fix them.
Oh, no thanks. Let's see what else we've got. Please talk about forgiving self. I think I did that, but to re-enter into it. Living Self, I Think I Did That, But to Reiterate, I Believe That You're All My Equals, and I Love That, Because I Was Always Mostly Less Than, Sometimes Better Than, But Now I'm Equal.
[01:00:06]
So If I, You're My Equals, and I Love You, I Gotta Love Me, and Then I Gotta Act Like It. When I'm Going Through a Tough Time, I Gotta Give Myself the Same Love and Patience and Consideration I Would a Good Friend Who's Going Through Exactly the Same Thing. I Have No Right to Judge Me Anymore. No Right to Judge Me. I Live Life a Day at a Time, and I Certainly Make Mistakes, But I Leave the Mistakes in the Day I Made Them, Instead of Dragging Them Along, You Know. Remember That Collecting of Ones? You Know, It's Kind of Funny, Because You Could Make the Mistake, I Could Make a Mistake, You Could Make a Mistake, Let's Say You Forgot, You Made an Honest Mistake and Overbilled Them for Time at Work, and You Came to Me, I'd Say, Well, Don't Be Silly, Just Go and Tell Them Exactly What Happened, Be Honest with Them, and You Know, If You've Been Paid for It, Have the Money Ready, and You've Just Set It Right. Now, If I'd Done That, I'd Go, You Jerk, What's Wrong With You?
You Can't Even Turn in Your Time Card, You're Such a… Sound Familiar? In Forgiving Myself, The Way I Do It, Is I Start Treating Me As If I'm One of God's Kids, Too. I Believe Each and Every One of You Are the Apple of His Eye. Well, If You Are, Then So Am I. It's The Only Way It Can Be. How Do You Help a Sponsee Who Is Stuck on Their Eighth and Ninth Step Because Every Time They Go to Make Amends to Her Father, She Says She Gets Afraid? Is It About Lack of Forgiveness and Humility, or Could It Be Something Else? I Don't Know.
For Me, The Eighth and Ninth Step, I Had to Walk Through My Fears. If I'm… You Know, That Feelings Aren't Facts Would Be Really Accurate There for Me. There Was a Lot of Amends I Needed to Make That Were… Had I Thought About Them, I Wouldn't Have Done It. But I Didn't Think About Them. I Just Went and Did It, and I Think Probably the Major Mistake If I Was Sponsoring Her, I'd Say, Quit Thinking About It, Do It, and Just Get It Done. But You Know, There's a Lot of Us That Like That Pain. I'm Amazed at the People I Sponsor That They'll Be Going Along Fine, and It'll Be Too Good, so They'll Stir Up Something. You Know, They'll Stir Up Something. They'll Sit There in a Puddle of Crap and Smear It All Over Them for Weeks, and Then They'll Call Me and Go, I Feel Terrible. Gee, Imagine That. And They Come to the AA Shower and They Feel Good Again. That's One of the Things That Helps Me in Forgiving Me. It's Kind of a Ritual. I'll Just Share It with You. Take It for What It's Worth. It's Powerful to Me. Every Morning When I Shower, I Wash Away the Sins of the World, and Mine Too. Every Day When I Shower, I Wash Away the Sins of the World, and Mine Too. And I Start the Day Fresh and Clean. I Love That. It's Just Something I Picked Up Along the Way That Works Powerfully for Me. And It's a Reminder I Have No Business Feeling Bad About Yesterday. It's Done. Done. A Lot of Times with Forgiving Ourself, I Have a Kind and Loving God. If There's Some of You Who Are Christians in Here, The Whole Deal About the Cross and That, That Was About Forgiveness. But People Ask Me How I View God, and I'm a Minister Now, and It's Obvious Where My Heart Is, and I Don't Defend That Against Anybody. I Have a Hard Time Believing It Happened, but It Did. But My Vision of God is Simply This. If I Walked into This Room, All This Room Was a Chalkboard. All the Walls Were a Chalkboard, and Everything I Ever Did Wrong Were on Those Walls. Everything I Ever Did Wrong Was on Those Walls. And God Was Standing Right Here, and I Walked Up and He Said, Ed, Did You Do All This? And I Went, Yep, Pretty Much. You Know What My God Would Say? Try Not to Do That Anymore. Too Simple, Isn't It? Our Meetings Would Be Fifteen Minutes. So in Forgiving Self, I Believe God Forgives Me, So Whom Am I Not to Forgive Me? I'm More Powerful than God, Not Today. Someday, Maybe, But Not Today.
Very Good. Forgiveness of Self? Gee, That Seems to Be One. Please Explain the Process
[01:05:07]
of Learning How to Benefit and Learn Forgiveness. I Think We've Talked About That, A Number of Processes. The First One for Me is Being Willing to Forgive Me, to Forgive God. I Had to Forgive Everything Around Me, and I'm Always the Last on the List, and I Like It That Way, because it Gives Me a Degree of Humility that I Don't Think I Would Have Ever Had. I Never Put Me on the Top of My List for Anything, because That Was My Problem Before I Got Here.
I Was Always on the Top of the List. If You Didn't Do What I Wanted You to Do When I Wanted You to Do It, You Were in Trouble. But What I Found is a Day at a Time in the Process of Forgiveness, Be Willing to Do It, and Be Willing to Heal, and Be Willing to Give Up the Right to Be Angry. Now, It's Scary for a Lot of Us. You Know, Like I Said, It Took Work to Live in Peace. It Was Unfamiliar Territory, but I'll Tell You What, I Like Rome and This Territory a Lot More than I Liked Rome and That Other One. I Did for a Number of Years Sober.
The Other Thing I Did Sober that I'm Not Pleased About at All is I Was Terribly Good at Sarcasm. I Could Take Your Legs Right Out from Under You, and I Thought It Was Cute. And I Realized That's Just Masked Anger and Hatred of Self and of Others. I Realized That One Time, and I Said a Prayer. I Said, God, Show Me the Result of My Cuteness and My Humor. And I Was in a Meeting in Los Angeles, and I Remember Her Eyes. She Had Wonderful Eyes, and She Was Happy, and She Came Up to Me and Was All Bubbly and Happy. And She Said Something to Me, I'm Sure of a Positive Nature. I Don't Remember What It Was, and I Don't Remember What I Said Back, but I Remembered It Was Glib, and It Was Short, and It Was to the Point. And I Just Laughed and Walked Away, and As I Walked Away, Her Eyes Came to My Mind's Eye, and I Saw the Pain that I Had Inflicted. I Had Never Meant to Do That. I Had Never Known I Could Do That. And from That Day to This, I Try to Keep My Sarcasm to Myself. Because if you go down the Greek Root of the Word, Sarcasm is Ripping or Tearing of Flesh. And I Was Excellent at It, Sober. I Wasn't a Very Good Member in My Opinion, but I Was Clever. Forgiving Yourself. How Do I Forgive People Who Died, i.e., Alcoholic Parents? Boy, That's a Good Question. Alcoholic Parents Especially, because, you know, if you're in here, you understand something that's very important. If they were alcoholic, they were sick. Now, I know that doesn't help when we want to stay angry at them. And a lot of us want to stay angry at them in a long time. But my father was a real bad alcoholic.
But what I remember about my father is he was the hardest working man I ever knew who died of a tragic disease. I forgive my parents because they don't owe me anything anymore. I forgive my parents because I'm not keeping score anymore. I forgive my parents, alive or dead, because I've never been much of a son until I got here. So how dare I judge them in any way? How can I feel that I have been forgiven by God when I repeat the same wrong doing it again and again and again and again? Stop doing that. Next. That's really the truth. Discipline. Discipline. If I've got the urge to drink, am I going to follow through with it? Heck no, I'm going to do anything I can not to. Get the same desire for that defect. Get the same desire for that defect. I am a firm believer of this.
Whatever area of your life you haven't surrendered to these 12 steps, that will be your next program or reason for divorce. That's what I've witnessed and that's what I've seen. So you just stop doing it no matter what. Do the same things you did to stay sober. You know, in our book it says we go to any length to stay sober. It doesn't say we do what's convenient. And I was so glad that that's what I was taught here and that's with every area of my life. If I want to quit something, I have to actually apply this program to it
[01:10:05]
and live in faith that sooner or later the urge will go away. I can't tell you the number of women who are shoplifting with long time sober. Men and women who are hooked on internet pornography, thinking about blowing their brains out. Yet they come to meetings going, fine, live and let live. My belief is alcohol was but a symptom and there will be other symptoms if I'm not working this program. So don't give up on stopping it, but actually apply this program. Maybe even get some additional help for whatever you're going through.
There's somebody around in AA. I'm not a big fan of therapy for one simple reason. It tends to be brought into meetings too much. I am glad if you're getting help and that's all fine. Leave it there. This is Alcoholics Anonymous. And we're not group therapy. And we ask that you have as much respect for our program as we do for the one you're trying to work. That's all. It's not about being better or worse. It's just this is Alcoholics Anonymous. What does it mean to let go exactly and how does one let go? Best way for me to let go early on was just say to hell with it. I said two other words, but I'm not comfortable saying them anymore. That was that was the hell with it. I don't care. Seemed to turn out fine.
The other thing is for me, the spiritual way that I do it now that seems to be effective for me is whenever I got something on my heart that's heavy. A few years back, I was at a church, a mainline church, and I got called into the office one day. And at this point in my life, I am happier than I've ever been ever. And life was just going on swimmingly. And I get called into this office and this guy tells me, Ed, you're a thief. We want you out of this church by tomorrow morning. You're a thief. And I looked at him and said, what are you talking about? And he said, you've used the church credit card for personal use.
And I said, yes, so has everybody else. And we pay it when the bill comes in. Oh, no, they don't. You're a thief. Get out of here. And this is head of the committee. I sobbed right there because I couldn't believe it. I'd never been happier. And I called my sponsor right away and I said, here's what's going on. He said, I don't get it, Ed. And I said, I don't need it. And I went home and I gave it to the person I trust the most, my father.
I said, Dad, it scares me to death. I don't know why this is happening. And my heart's broken. And I can't look at this and I can't deal with this here taking. And the next day I told him, I'm not leaving this church. I haven't done anything wrong. You call and you do whatever you want to do. And a week later they apologized to me that it was all a big misunderstanding. So that's how I let it go. That's how I give it up. Because it isn't my business to hate you anymore. My job is to find some way to honor you. And I don't care who you are. I promise you, everybody in that restaurant who's waited on me knows that I love them. And I thank them. And I said, you do a good job. And I just delighted at the way you do your job. And I can walk out there right now and everybody's going to say hi to me. Why? Because I honor them. They are my equals. And I don't want to ever meet anybody less ever again. And I learned that in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't learn this stuff in seminary. I need to tell you that. Those folks in seminary need a lot of help.