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Source: Don L – Steel City Woodstock (2022) – Steps 8 and 9 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: don-l-steel-city-woodstock-2022-steps-8-and-9-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:04:34
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Thanks. Hi, everybody. Don Landis, alcoholic. And I think I've stopped crying now that Jennifer's done and all emotional. And then we sat and talked about and exchanged woes and I've missed you. And it's good to be with friends and it's good to speak in the language of the heart. And thank you for your transparency and your honesty delivered with such hilarity. And it's the only place where we just laugh at people falling on their ass, isn't it?
Oh, she was in so much pain. And that's identification. And I'm tasked this afternoon with talking about Steps 8 and 9. And I'm excited to do that, which is interesting because I'm like everybody else that came to AA and you're new and you're trying to look cool and sitting in a chair and you notice the window shades on the wall and you're trying to read the steps. You get to 8 and 9 and you go, oh, hell no. And that can't really mean what it says. And, you know, I made that decision in the third step. And, you know, part of what that decision is, you know, the dramatic nature of it and the spiritual nature of it is I've made this decision to turn my will and life over the care of God. But really what I've done also is I've made a decision to carry on with the work required to do that, which are Steps 4 through 9. So I write that inventory and I share that inventory in a fifth step with my sponsor. And I was very excited to do it because I wasn't sleeping at night. And I'd lived the kind of life that in a sober state where I don't have the whiskey to push down the memory of all those things I did to all those people and lived that life, all the missed opportunities, the broken hearts and broken promises, all of that bubbles up to the top and it starts choking me out sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, going to 14 meetings a week with 14 commitments with a sponsor, doing everything I'm asked to do in Alcoholics Anonymous, moving fast and moving targets harder to hit. But I only have so much recovery at that point. And I'm ready to write that inventory because I'm hearing great things about it. Because you know what it's like before you write that inventory, before you do that fifth step, right? You've got people rolling into your meeting and they're really proud of themselves, you know? And they're saying things like, well, I did my fifth step last night and everybody applauds. And then they say things like this, I've got to tell you, I feel like the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. I feel the nearness of my Creator, you know? I had the best sleep I've had since I've gotten sober. And I'm thinking, man, I'm up all night. I'm so exhausted. When I'm going to meetings, I go to that second meeting that ends at 9.30 at night and then we clean up, it's 10.10.30, I'm working construction for a living, I'm up at 4.30, right? I'm so exhausted in that second meeting, my sponsor's elbowing me to keep me awake, you know what I'm talking about? And you finally get in the rack, you're so tired you just want to fall asleep. And then suddenly you think of something, it's a Don Landis film festival, you know what I mean? And you're just sitting there new rocking back and forth going, oh, I thought I forgot that. Oh, I remember when I did that. Ah, fifth grade, you know, and you just…so I need some relief, which I know this fifth step is going to, you know, and I did it, man, and I'll tell you, it was blood, sweat, and tears. I told my sponsor some things I swore I was going to take to the grave. And I didn't feel freed and I didn't feel uplifted, you know, and I cried through most of it. Because, you know, a lot of self-delusion was corrected through that inventory process, you know? And it became very clear to me that I was the guy that drove the vehicle of my life into that wall again and again and again. You know, and you go into that process knowing that they're the problem and you come out of it knowing you're the problem. And it just broke me open. Something about that fifth step, saying those things out loud to God and another human being, one after another, with no framing, no justification, no rationalization, just the truth of how I lived like an animal. It just broke me open. But that's okay, because the gift's coming, you know? I know I'm going to feel great because I did my fifth step.
And next day I feel horrible. I feel worse than I've ever felt in sobriety. But that's okay. God's time, not dawn's time. I'm sure it's right around the corner. And second day I feel even worse, man. I'm just…I can't even look anybody in the eye. I'm just haunted by the things. I'm wondering maybe I shouldn't have told them everything. And day three I'm quasi-suicidal. And I find my sponsor at the meeting. I pull him aside and I'm in a panic.
I go, hey, fifth step? And he goes, yeah. I go, I think we did it wrong. And he laughed. And he said, what makes you think you did it wrong? And I said, I thought I was supposed to feel better. And I'll tell you what, I've never felt so dirty and filthy and disgusting
[00:05:01]
in my life. And he goes, Don, I was there for your fifth step. You should feel dirty and filthy and disgusting. And he explained to me that I probably wasn't going to get any relief, true relief, from what I was experiencing until I made my amends. And thank God that he told me that. And I'm grateful today that I had that experience because I don't know what would have happened to me if I was a guy that did my fifth step and felt wonderful about myself afterwards, and felt like I could look the world in the eye, and felt like everything was okay now because I had said this to God and another human being, that this confession of sorts was enough. And my sponsor lined me out. And I had Dave read that. It's one of the parts of the book that just makes me laugh because it gives us our instructions.
And this wonderful thing, we've made a list of all persons we have harmed and are willing to make amends to. We made it when we took inventory. Well, that's bait and switch. They didn't tell me that when I was writing my inventory. My God, if I thought everybody I put down on that resentment list I'd have to make amends to, the list would have been much shorter, you know what I mean? Because they tell you, you know, the sponsor sets you up. They go, Oh, be as mean and nasty as you want in those first three columns.
You're like, Yeah, I'm going to get everybody. You're putting people down on the resentment list. You're not even sure if you're really resentful, but you were once. For a couple hours you make the list, you know. And now I've got to make amends to them? Are you kidding me? My sponsor started lining me out in the amends process. Once again, I want to tell you something about my sponsor. My first sponsor, Mark E. from Simi Valley, California. A great guy.
You know, he took me through all three sides of the triangle, unity, service and recovery. But he never told me he was doing that, you know what I mean? Because he was an example. He was a guy that didn't tell you what to do, he showed you what to do. He was a guy that invited you into his AA life and you would watch how he did AA and that's how you learned. He was a guy that used that spirit of invitation and invited me to a new way of life. He was a guy that believed that as an alcoholic I would rather see a beautiful sunset than listen to a great sermon. And he was a beautiful sunset. I watched the way this guy lived. And so what he did is he would have me doing things that had so much to do with the steps, but he never identified what was going on. And I'll give you an example.
I was probably sober about, I don't know, three months. I'm in the middle of writing my inventory and he rolls up on me one day and, you know, he was kind of like a Yoda ninja warrior, you know what I mean? On one side he was very calm and very passive and very kind. And then occasionally he'd just slide the blade in. You wouldn't even feel it go in. I think I'd been stabbed. And one of those occasions he rolled up on me and he said, hey, listen, what are you doing to say thank you to your family for them letting you get sober in their home? And I spent the last year of my drinking in my older sister Patricia's home. My sister Patricia, my brother-in-law Larry, and my little niece Jackie. I lived there for my last year when I was drinking. And, you know, what the rules were, if you drink you're out of my house. And you might wonder how do you do that when they're watching you. Well, maybe you're not a sneaky rat like I am. I mean, I was unemployed. I had no problem drinking around your schedule. And, you know, I'm doing oblivion drinking. I'm doing sock door drinking. I'm hiding my drinking to the best of my ability. And I've got a family in denial that doesn't want to deal with it, you know, so they're trying not to look at it. And now I'm getting sober in their home. And so it's an interesting experience to get sober in the very last place that you devastated. And there's a lot of harm that's been done.
And I was talking to my sponsor about, you know, I'm sober. Remember being sober three months and being active in Alcoholics Anonymous? In reality, what were you thinking? I've been sober what? Forever. Because 90 days is forever in Alcoholics Anonymous when you're new. And I just couldn't believe that they hadn't forgiven me yet. I couldn't believe that they didn't think it had really taken yet. I couldn't believe that my brother-in-law started to bring booze back into the house. I remember the resentment I got about that. I go, can you believe he's bringing booze in the house? He goes, I don't know, Don. Maybe he thought you joined AA and it's safe for him to bring booze and you won't drink at all. Hadn't considered that. But my sister Patricia, who's one of my favorite people on the planet, there was something between us. You know, there was that wall built up of all that lying and all that failure and her being damaged by my alcoholism, you know. And she did nothing wrong. She was just someone that made the mistake of loving an alcoholic and she stood too close for me for too long and she'd been damaged by the family disease of alcoholism. And she was so happy I'd gotten sober and she loved AA. And she had never been. But she would stay up at night for me to come home from AA and she would ask me questions about AA and she
[00:10:02]
would ask me questions about my sponsor. And she loved my sponsor because he was mean to me. And I would tell her the things my sponsor was saying to me and she'd get excited. She'd go, oh, he said you're a little boy in a man's body? That's great. What else did he say? But there was something between us. We could only be in the same room at the same time for so long and then one of us would have to get out of the room. There was this uncomfortability. There was this anxiety. There was this inability to get our eyes off of our shoes and look each other in the eye. And it was just eating me up. And I'm not sleeping at night and I've got this wall between me and my sister and I'm trying so hard in AA and I'm talking to my sponsor about that. And my sponsor, you know, he was a student of the Big Book. And he used to think the most important word in the amends process in the Big Book is used in two different places and the word is demonstration. In one place it says it doesn't matter if a man throws us out of his office. It's water over the dam. We've made our spiritual demonstration. And more importantly in the other place it says our man will be more interested in a demonstration of goodwill than our talk of spiritual discoveries. And that's a good warning to a guy like me because this is what I wanted.
This is my idea of an amends, right? Hey, I know I slept with your girl, stole your car, stole your money, broke your heart, but I'm sober. I joined AA and I got God. We're good, right? Everything's cool. And my sponsor was a student of the Big Book and he was a guy that would go to the page and say, no, there's a long period of reconstruction ahead and we must take the lead. A mumbling apology that we're sorry does not fit the bill at all. So he would always say, what are you going to do to show him you changed?
How long have you said the words, I'm sorry, and not followed it up with any action? And he goes, that's not what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. And long before I had even done my fifth step, he rose up on me this night and asked me what I'm doing to say thank you to this family. And I said, well, I'm not drinking. And he said, well, that's mighty big of you. He said, go home tonight and ask your sister if there's anything you can do for her to say thank you. Sounded innocent enough. I went home that night and I said, well, my sponsor wants to know if there's anything I can do to say thank you for you letting me get sober here. She didn't hesitate at all. She said, well, you can paint my house.
And I said, your whole house? And she said, yeah. And I said, well, I've got to talk to my sponsor because now I'm an expert on sponsorship. I go to my sponsor the next night and I go, this crazy woman wants me to paint her two-story, 3,800-square-foot house. Can you believe that? And he goes, is she buying the paint? And I go, I assume. He goes, ah, you got off easy. Paint her house. And he walks away. And I hated this. He had this mannerism that drove me crazy. He'd get the last word in, right? And then he'd just spin on his heels and walk away, conversation over. Just walk away. And I'd see his bald head going off in the distance.
It was so dismissive, so rude. And I remember he did it that night. Yeah, you got off easy. Paint her house. And he walks away. And I barked at the back of his bald head as it went to the distance. I said, hey, I thought this program was suggested. That was a mistake. Because I didn't know he could move like that. And like, he was back in my personal space before I realized it. And I'm looking down on him and he's looking up at me, wagging that finger, and he says, Don, you're so sick that anything that comes out of my mouth that I tell you, I want you to assume it's a direction. And we'll let you know when you've passed into the suggestion phase of the program, right? So I'm painting her house. I mean, I'm working full time, going to AA all night. I got about seven spare hours a week, and now I'm taking that to paint her house. And I'm bitter. I mean, I'm bitter. I'm not happy about this. I don't feel the nearness of my creator. I'm pissed at my sponsor. I'm trying to think what I did to piss him off. And this is what I'm thinking, slave labor. Oh, this is what you get when you join AA, you know? You live a crap head alcoholic life and then you join AA and they just make you work for free. This is what it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry. What can I do to make it right? I just know it. And my sponsor was a wise man. And I went into that project bitter and angry at my sponsor. And I don't know what happened exactly. But it seemed like the longer I got into that project and the further I got along, I can never tell you what it did for my sister for sure. I can tell you what she said. She said it caused a great healing. She said for her it was a demonstration. I was really trying to show her I changed.
I was really trying to show her I'd changed. But I know what it did for me.
[00:15:02]
Because as I went through that project and moved through it, it took quite a while to get it done. I was able to stay in the same room as my sister for a little bit longer. We were able to talk for just a little bit longer. I was able to hold her gaze and look her in the eyes for just a little bit longer. And when I was done with that project, we weren't even Steven. There was a long period of reconstruction ahead.
But I'll tell you what. Alcoholics Anonymous, good sponsor direction, and the amends process gave me back one of the most important people I've ever had in my life. And that's my sister Patricia. And so when I make this eight-step list, we all say the right thing in Alcoholics Anonymous. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, became willing to make amends to them all. And your sponsor asks you that question.
It comes right from the book. Are you willing to go to any length for victory over alcohol? We know the right answer. Yes, I am. But the truth is, no, I'm not. Because I got three lists of people in my mind. I don't even have to write them down. I know who the three lists are, right? I've got the list of people I'm ready to make amends to that day. And those are usually people that have seen me get sober.
I know they approve of what I'm trying to do. I have a feeling it's probably going to go OK. And I have another list of people, could go either way. Could be a picnic, could be a bloodbath, don't know. We're not going to think about that right now. And then I have the third list, the oh, hell no list. That no matter how I look at that, I can't imagine ever making amends to that person. I mean, somebody's going to die.
Someone's going to go to jail. But it's going to be ugly. So we're not even going to think about that. And that's OK. That's completely normal. And my sponsor wasn't one of these guys. I hear stuff in AA, I don't know where it comes from. Crazy stuff. Like, make your hardest amends first, and then the rest will be easy. Whoever said that never made their amends. Dumbest thing in the world. Because what happened for me was this.
I started with the ones I thought I could handle. And I went to my sponsor, and he lined me out on how to do it. And those went a little bit better than I thought they would go. And because they went a little bit better than I thought they would go, I looked at the ones I wasn't sure about, thought, well, maybe, maybe not. And suddenly those get moved into, you know what, maybe I can do this too. And the ones that I think I'll never do, not in a million years, I become open-minded to the idea that not now, not now, we're clear on that.
Not now, but maybe someday. Maybe someday. And my sponsor was very specific on how I was going to make amends. And he used to say to me, he'd go, no ambushes. No ambushes. He goes, because we're handcuffed in this process. I go, how are we handcuffed? He goes, by your perception of reality. He goes, Don, if you drank as much whiskey as you claimed to have drank, and suffered as many blackouts as you claimed to have suffered, who knows what really happens?
We're only armed with your perception of it, and you're an alcoholic. And because you're an alcoholic, you think you know how things went. And you think you know how people should be affected. And isn't that true? You know, it took me a long time in AA just to get to the place where I could admit that yes, occasionally, without meaning to, on a weird day, I might hurt somebody, right? But when I admit that I hurt you, I instantaneously know how bad you got hurt, how long you should be pissed off, and what it should take for you to get over it.
And I'm always wrong. And my sponsor said, you're armed with your perception of what happened. If we're going to find out what really happened, you're going to have to involve the people that you've damaged. You're going to have to create an environment of safety and honesty where they can feel like they can tell you what really happened. Or you're never going to know the truth. And it was so wise to do that.
And he said, no ambushes. You don't get to just show up and drop your heavy-handed amends on somebody. Because I'll be that guy that shows up at Aunt Sally's house, you know what I mean? I'll add Sally up. Hey, can I come by and see you? Oh, what would that be about, Donald? Well, what, I can't see my favorite aunt? And then I show up and I lay some heavy-handed amends on her, right? And at the end of it, what do I say?
Aunt Sally, can you let me know how my behaviors affected you and what I can do to make this right, keeping in mind that Aunt Sally has had a front row seat for the destruction of my life? Do you think she's going to rock the boat at that point when I'm sober for the first time in what, maybe forever? Or is she going to say something like this? Oh, baby, baby, baby, we just always wanted the best for you.
You don't worry about that money you owe me. You don't worry about nothing. You just keep going to the A in A. And you just stay sober. That's all we've ever wanted for you. And as a self-centered alcoholic, driven by fear, this is what I think. Woo, that was close. Never realizing I just screwed myself out of something we hold in very high value in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a little something we call the truth.
And I'm never going to get there on my own, because I don't know how I affected you. I don't know what it was like to love a guy like me.
[00:20:02]
So my sponsor said, you will make an appointment with everyone at their convenience. You will tell them exactly why you're coming. You will tell them you've been fortunate enough to become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And part of what you do is to make restoration for harms done, and you feel that you have harmed them. And you would like to have the opportunity to discuss how you think you've harmed them, and what you could do to make it right.
And if they're courageous enough and brave enough, and you have no right to ask this of them, but if they could take a little time to think about how your behavior affected them, and what you could do to make it right, you would really appreciate that. And I said to my sponsor, this is a terrible idea. A terrible idea. You never tell them you're coming, and you never expose your soft, white underbelly and go, here I am.
Stab me. You don't do that. And he said, that's the way we make amends in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm so grateful he did. I remember making amends to my mom, and I had an idea. I mean, my mom had gone through the ringer with me with my alcoholism. And my mother lives in Lexington, Kentucky. And I went and I made amends to my mother, and I got done talking about everything I thought I had done. And she said, well, that's pretty much all of it.
She goes, but you did forget one thing. And I'm so self-centered, I completely blocked this event out of my mind, and it happened about three years before I got sober. And what had happened is my older sister had done what I know today was nothing less than a welfare check on me. I thought she was coming to visit, but she was worried about me, so she came to the town I was living in to see how I was doing.
And what she found scared her so bad, she called my mom in tears. And she told my mom this is nothing less. She goes, I don't think Donald's long for the world. He's drinking himself to death. I've never seen him look so bad. And when I ask him how he's doing, he's got that stupid grin on his face, and he just smiles and says, couldn't be better. And she goes, I'm not trying to scare you, Mom, but if you want to see your son, you better do it quick, because I don't think he's long for the world.
And it scared the hell out of my mom, as you might imagine. And my mother is not a woman of means. She doesn't have a lot of dough, and she started thinking what she could do to save her son. And Christmas was coming up. My mother called me up and said, listen, we haven't seen each other in a few years, and I'd really like you to come to Lexington. It's beautiful on the Christmas. They decorate the whole town.
You'd really love it. It'd be my treat. I'll buy your airline ticket. I'm 27 years old at this time. 27-year-old man, supposedly. And my mother tells me this, and this is what I think. You know what? I'll give the old girl a thrill. I'll fly out on her dime, I'll eat her food, I'll drink on her nickel, and it'll be a nice thing. Won't I be a nice son? And my mother bought me a ticket to go out at Christmastime to Lexington.
She's thinking, if I can just get him in front of me, if I can just get my arms around him and love on him, I know I can help him. I know I can help him. And I meant to go. I meant to go. But wouldn't you know it, the night before the flight, I went to the bar, and I fell in love. And I woke up the next morning with a stranger laying in bed next to me, and I looked at the clock, and I'd missed the flight.
And I felt embarrassed, and I felt ashamed, and I don't like to feel embarrassed or ashamed. And if you're a man, and you make a mistake, you know what to do. You pick up the phone, you take the heat. I can't believe I did this. I'm so sorry. I have no words to tell you how wrong I am. But I'm an alcoholic, and I'm a little boy trapped in a man's body, and I don't like to feel bad. So I just took another pull off the jug, and I just passed out.
Now you turn the camera over to Lexington, Kentucky, and this old woman wakes up in the morning. And it's a cold December day in Lexington. It's not snowing, it's not raining, it's kind of sleeting out, and it's gray. And as my mother said, she goes, but to me, it was a beautiful spring day. She goes, because I knew I was going to see my baby boy, and I was so excited. And she drove her old car down to Lexington Airport to wait for my plane to come in.
And this is back before 9-11, as you're able to walk into the airport and walk right up to the gate. She's standing on the gate. And you were able to actually walk out the door and stand on the tarmac with other family members and watch the plane land. And she watched my plane land. And she goes, the minute your plane touched down, I could feel my heart in my chest, and it was beating like a baby bird, it was beating so fast.
I was so excited, because I knew I was going to see you in mere minutes. And people started getting off the plane. And she goes, Donald, I watched them get off. And I thought, no, he's not tall enough. No, that's not him. No, that's not him. And it seemed like all the passengers were done. And then the flight attendants walked by me. And I was waiting, because I knew you were on the plane. And finally, the pilot and the co-pilot are walking by me.
And I grabbed the pilot's arm. And I said to him, there must be some mistake. My son's on that plane. And the pilot said, lady, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he missed the flight. My mother said, at that moment, she felt the rain and the sting of the sleet on her face. And she saw the grayness of the day.
[00:25:00]
And she dropped her head down. And she walked slowly through Lexington Airport into the parking lot, got in her car, put her head on the wheel, and cried for a half an hour straight. And she said, I knew then I'd lost you to the drink. And there was nothing I was going to do. Because alcoholism doesn't run in my family. It gallops through my family. And this wasn't her first rodeo with an alcoholic relative.
Now it's her son. And her son is in the grip of something that she knows she can't do anything about. And it's so funny that I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm singing that old familiar newcomer song, the only person I hurt was myself. And I sat in front of my mother as tears rolled down her cheeks, as she relived the horrors of the past, what it was like to have an alcoholic son, and to love him, and to watch him destroy himself, and know he was beyond your grasp.
And the look on her face conspired to leave me with a feeling like I never want to see that look on another human being's face and know I'm the guy that put it there. And so I worked out some details of my mom. I asked what I could do. I owed her a great deal of money. I said, well, how about if I send you $100 a month for life, how about we start there? And she goes, beautiful. I went home, and I remember writing the first check for $100.
And about a week later, my mom got the check, I guess, because I get a call from her, and I answer the phone. And it's my mom, but I can't understand what she's saying because she's crying. Like, mom, what's going on? She's like, well, just going on. I go, mom, use your words. Take a breath. She gathers herself. She goes, when did you get a checking account? I'll give you a little insight into the type of alcoholic that I am.
I made amends to all my ex-girlfriends. I made amends to all my ex-employers except one. I made amends to all my friends. There was the one amends I swore I'd never make. It was to an ex-employer. And I was raised without a father. And this man was probably the closest to a surrogate father I've ever had. And he came into my life when I was 18 years old. And he gave me opportunities that he had no business giving an eight-year-old kid.
But he saw something in me. And he saw some ability. And he saw a work ethic. And by the time I was 24 years old, I was running his quality-control apartment at an aerospace fastener house. I was hiring and firing a crew of 100 people. I was being paid an obscene amount of money. And that was all because of this man having faith in me. Yeah, I had to do the work, but he gave me the shot. And during that period, my alcoholism was progressing.
My alcoholism caught up and passed my ability to show up every day and do the job. And the wheels start coming off the wagon. And by the time I had worked for this man for seven years, the writing was on the wall that I was either going to have to get my act together or find another place to work. And he would call me in his office, and he would look at me with the honesty and the love that a father would have.
And he'd go, I care about you. I want to help you. But if you don't tell me you have a problem, there's nothing I could do for you. And inside my head, this voice would scream, tell him, for God's sakes, tell him. Tell him what's really going on with you. And I'd go, couldn't be better. I'm doing fine. I'll pick it up. You don't have to worry about me. And I would watch his shoulders just slump, because he knew I was lying.
And the way I thank this good man for every opportunity he had given me, for overpaying me, for giving me a career, for giving me an opportunity to learn what I learned when I worked at that company, is I went to one of his biggest competitors. And when I left that company, I went to one of his biggest competitors, and I took three of his biggest clients with me, because that's how I sweetened the deal and set it up so I could get this other job.
And I broke this man's heart. Now, how am I going to go to him and make amends? After all he did for me, that's how I treat him. How am I ever going to face this man? And I couldn't figure out how to do it. My sponsor said, keep praying for the willingness, and I'm praying for the willingness. But underneath that, I really don't want to do it. I can't imagine what I'd say to him. And I remember, I'm in a big mall in Southern California one day, and it's a Friday, and I stopped by to buy something, and I'm walking down.
And this is back in time where I'm in that transition between where I need to wear glasses, but I don't wear glasses because of my ego, and I think I look better without glasses. So my vision's not perfect. And I'm walking down this mall, and who do you think I see about 100 yards ahead of me? It's this ex-employee. And I just freak out. I'm like, oh my god, it's him. And I literally just, boom, run to the left.
I just cut to the left. I don't even look. And I go into this storefront, and I go in and I hide around, and I'm looking out the big storefront windows behind a mannequin, and I'm watching him go by, and I realize it's not him. And I had this sense of relief over me, and I look around, and I'm in Victoria's Secret with some very disturbed looking women.
[00:30:02]
Story, and When He Gets Done Laughing, He Says, Maybe It's Better to Make the Amends Than to Live in Fear, and Now the Cat's Out of the Bag, Because I Told My Sponsor How I Was Really Dragging My Feet on This, and So I Make My Approach, I Call the Office, I Get a Secretary, I Say Who I Am, and I'd Like to Speak with Him, and She Comes Back on the Phone, She Goes, He's Not Available, and I'm So Relieved, I Can't Even Put It into Words How Relieved I Am, Because I'm Hyperventilating, Waiting for Her to Come Back, and I Think, Well, Gave It My Best Shot, I Talked to My Sponsor the Next Night, and He Goes, Oh No, No, No, No, That's Just Your First Approach, He Goes, That's Okay, That Happens Sometimes, Call Him in Two Weeks, I Call Him Two Weeks, I Ask for Him, Secretary Comes Back, She Knows It, She Says This, He Knows It's You, He Wanted You to Know, He Really Has No Desire to Talk to You, He Wishes You Well, but Please Don't Call Again, I Said Okay, Get Off the Phone, I Go, I Gotta Be Off Now, Right, I'm Off the Hook Now, I Go to My Sponsor, He Go, Well, After the Way You Treated Him, I Don't Blame Him, Wait Another Month, and Call Again, Oh My God, You Have Nothing Better to Do Than Torture Me, Month Later, I Call, Hey, I'm Really Sorry, It's Me Again, I Really Just Need Five Minutes of His Time, That's What My Sponsor Said to Say, and I'd Really Like to Come Down and Talk to Him, She's Gone for Ten Minutes off the Line, She Comes Back, She Gives Me a Date and a Time, You Got Five Minutes on Thursday the 14th, Don't Be Late, Thanks Very Much, Thursday the 14th, I'm in the Lobby, Secretary Comes Out and Gets Me, and I Walk Into His Office, and I Gotta Tell You, Most of My Amends Have Gone Really Well Up to That Point, and I Walked in That Office, Looked Him in the Eye, and I Knew This Wasn't Going to be One of Them, You Ever Have Somebody Look at You and You Realize That What They're Looking at, You're Seeing Yourself as a Sober Member of Alcoholics Anonymous, You Found God, You've Done All This Service, You've Done All This Good Work, You've Changed Your Life, That's Not What They See, They See the Guy and They Remember You the Day You Screwed Him Over, That's the Snapshot Frozen in Time, and He's Looking at Me like the Day I Did What I Did to Him, and He Said What Do You Got to Say, and I Told Him What My Sponsor Said to Say, I Told Him I Had Joined AA, by This Time I Was Over a Year Sober, and I Said I'm There to Try to Make it Right, I Know I Did You Dirty, and You Were Nothing but Good to Me, and I Don't Know How That, Nobody's Ever Done to Me What I Did to You, and I Have No Idea How That Made You Feel, I Can Only Imagine, but I'm Here in All Sincerity to Say How Very Sorry I Am You Didn't Deserve That, You're a Good Man, and You Treated Me Better Than I Deserved, and I'm Here to Try to Make it Right, and If There's Anything I Can Do, I'll Do So Willingly, He Said Let Me Tell You Something Don, He Goes You Know Before You, I Kind of Liked to Approach Business in a Family Angle, I Looked at the People That Worked for Me like Family, I Took Interest in Their Problems, I Tried to See What I Could Do to Meet Their Needs, I Tried to Create an Atmosphere of Family and Camaraderie, and It Seemed to Work Well, We Were Very Successful, and People Seemed to Respond to That, He Goes But When You Did What You Did to Me, I Said No More, I Said It's Only Business, and They're Only Employees, and I Keep My Distance from My Employees Today, I'm Polite, and I'm Cordial, but I Have Managers That Take Care of That, It's Too Painful, I Can Never Go Through Again What I Went Through With You, and Let Me Tell You What Don, If You Want to Know What You Can Do for Me, Let Me Tell You What You Can Do for Me, If What You're Telling Me Is True, and You're Actually Sober, Which Means He's at a Point Where He Doesn't Even Believe That, He Says I Wish You Well, but I'm Asking You to Leave My Office Now, and Never Darken My Doorway Again, I'm Done With You, and I Thanked Him First Time, and I Got Up, and I Remember I Was Shaking, I Was Visibly Shaking, because I Deserved It, It Was a Normal Healthy Reaction for What I Had Done to This Guy, and I Realized at That Point, I Mean I Remember Getting Into the Car, I Remember Having to Sit There and Compose Myself Before I Could Even Leave, and I Remember Seeing My Sponsor That Night at the Meeting, and Telling Him, You Know, Because He Knew About the, He Knew About the Date, Everybody Knew About the Date, Because I've Been Talking About It, You Know, and I Told Him How Horrible It Went, and I Told Him How Terrible This Man's Reaction Was to Me, and Told Him What a Failure the Amends Was, and He Laughed, He Said, Oh No Don, He Goes, As Far As I Can Tell, That's the Best Amends You've Ever Had,
[00:35:00]
That's the Best Amends Experience You've Ever Had, I Go, That Is Going to Carry You Further Than All the People That Have Let You Off the Hook, and All the People That Are Just Clapping in the Corner, So Glad That You're Sober, Because You're Never Going to Forget What You Did to That Guy, and There's Something Really Powerful About That, and I'll Tell You What, I've Never Forgotten That, and the Weight of That, That We Do Things in This Life, and There Are Ripples That Come Out of the Actions We Take, and We Come Here Singing That Song, The Only Person I Hurt Was Me, and We Realize I Didn't Just Hurt This Man, I Hurt Everyone That Went to Work for Him, After I Was There, That Never Got to Experience the Kindness and Involvement That This Man Showed Me, You See, I Took That From Him, and I Can Never Make That Right, and All I Can Do in Alcoholics Anonymous Is Own That, and Do What You Guys Have Taught Me to Do, Raise My Hand, and Stop Hiding Behind the Hedge of Life, and Go, I'm The Guy That Did That, and I'm Here to Make It Right, and Sometimes People Won't Let You Make It Right, and So You Pass It On in Other Ways That You Can, and So I've Always Tried to Remember That, and Deal With Everybody in My Professional Life, and My Personal Life, The Way That AA Would Have Me Do It, and I Got to Tell You, Having That Man Just Short of Throwing Me Out of His Office, Not Letting Me Off the Hook, Telling Me Exactly What I Was, Helped Me Immensely, and I Carry That Experience With Me Today, and I've Stayed on the Ready, I Called Him Five Years After That, Just to Check In, and Yeah, He Was Still Pissed, He's Like, Why Are You Calling Me? Just Want To Let You Know, I'm Still Sober, If There's Ever Anything I Can Do for You, You Know Anybody That Might Have a Problem, Just Know That You Have a Contact, I'd Be More Than Happy, Yeah, That's Terrific, See You, Click, You Know, But I Tried to Keep the Door Open, and He Knows Where I Am, and He Knows Who I Am, and We Have Mutual Friends, and I Can't Ask Anybody to Forgive What I've Done, That's Not Between Me, You See, I Had to Get Over This Idea That There's Two Types of Wrongs, You Know, When Somebody Does Me Wrong, It's Very Funny, Immediately There's Stuff That I Want, and, But When I Do You Wrong, What Do I Want? What Do I Want When I Do You Wrong? What? Forgiveness, Empathy, Understanding, You Know, Let Me Off the Hook, But When You Do Me Wrong, What Do I Want? Revenge, Retribution, and If You Are Going to Make Amends, If You Are Going to Apologize, I Hope You Do It in Somewhat of a Gravelling, Groveling Manner, So I Understand That You Understand Just How Wrong You Were, Is That There's Two Different Types of Wrongs, and There's Not, and I Got to Tell You, If You Make Your Amends, and You Do It Correctly, There's No Lag Time, Right, It's Not Like You Wait Three Months, and Then You Feel Differently, You Walk Out of That Experience Different Than You Walked In, and I Got to Tell You, That Experience With Him, You Know Where That Helped Me the Most in Life? I've Been Hurt by Others in Sobriety, and It's Given Me an Opportunity to Be on the Other Side of the Equation, and Ask Myself, What Do I Want to Do With This? Had a Sponsee Steal Tens of Thousands of Dollars, I've Had Business Partners Steal Tons of Money for Me, I've Been in Different Situations, and I Don't Want to Go into Those Stories, It's Just Sometimes in Life Things Happen, and I've Had an Opportunity to Decide, Do I Want to Go into Resentment, or Do I Want to Go into Forgiveness? I Want to Talk a Little Bit about My Older Sister, It's Probably the Most Important Amends That I Had to Make, She Was the Most Important Person in My Life, She Was the One, She's the Reason I'm Here, Now She Didn't Twelve-Step Me into Alcoholics Anonymous, but Many of Us Have This in Our Story, That One Relative That Was Too Stupid to Quit on You, You Know What I Mean? It's Like All the Other Ones Were Saying, Stay Away from Him, He's Bad News, He's Going to Drag You to the Bottom with Him, My Sister Couldn't Do It, She Couldn't Give Up on Me, When Everybody Else Said, He's Bad News, Stay Away from Him, She Just Kept Showing Up, Kept Opening Her Door, Kept Taking Me In, Giving Me Shelter from the Storm, Over the Years, When I Would Hit Bottom, I Would Always Go to My Sister and Get Back on My Feet, She Was the One That Kept Me Alive Until I Could Get to You, and I Sat Down with My Sister and I Made Amends, I Made Amends for the Stuff I Thought I Had Done Wrong, Stealing Her Money, Stealing Her Car, You Know, Stealing Her Dreams, Being a Crap Head, Absentee Alcoholic Brother, You Know, and I Got Done, and She Goes, You Think This is How You Hurt Me? and I Go, Yeah, I Feel Like It's Fairly Accurate, and She Said, You Couldn't Be Anymore Wrong, and She Said, You Don't Know What It's Like to Love Somebody as Much as I Love You, and I'm Watching You Die Right in Front of Me, and When I Ask You How You're Doing, You Say, Couldn't Be Better, You Don't Know What It's Like When the Phone Rings in My House and It's After Ten O'Clock at Night, I Know It's Them Calling Me to Tell Me I'm Never Going to See My Baby Brother Again, You Don't Know What It's Like, and As I Watched Her Eyes Fill with Tears, As I Watched Those Tears Roll Down Her Cheeks, As I Watched Her Relive the Horrors of the Past, It Produced a
[00:40:03]
Feeling in Me That Said This and Nothing Less, I Never Want to See That Look on Another Person's Face, and Know I'm the Guy That Put It There, You Get Humility in That Moment, and I Remember Making Amends to My Sister, and We Came Up with Some Things That I'd Be Doing for Her, but It's This Long Period of Reconstruction That Lies Ahead for Us, You Know, It's Not About Just Paying the Money Back and Saying I'm Sorry, It's About Coming Back into the Family, It's About Standing on the Ready with God, and Not Knowing What the Future Looks Like, but Knowing with God's Help, I Can Be There in a Way That I've Never Been There for My Family, for My Friends, for My Neighborhood, for My Business, for My Society, I'm a Guy That Can Show Up Today, and I Couldn't Say That Before Alcoholics Anonymous, You Know, When People Ask Me to Do Things, They Don't Have to Call Me Three Times to Make Sure I'm Going to Be There, They Know I'm Going to Be There, You Gave Me That, It's Called Accountability, I Didn't Have It Before I Came to You, and My Sister and I Repaired Our Relationship, and She Became My Best Friend in the World, and Five Years After I Made That Amends, Six Years After I Made That Amends, She Went Through a Lot of Trouble in Her Life, and You Know, She Was Married to a Great Guy, He's Like One of My Best Friends, Larry, and They Were the Couple Nobody Ever Thought Would Get Divorced, and They Got Divorced, and It Was Contentious, and It Was Painful, and My Sister Was Very Lost During This Period, and I Was Very Worried About Her, and I Called Her Every Day to Check on Her, and We Would Talk on the Phone, She'd Tell Me What a Tough Time She's Having, but She Would Thank Me, and One Day, I Was Talking to Her, and She Goes, Listen, We Finalized the Divorce, We're Selling the House, I'm Keeping Most of the Furniture, I've Got Another House I'm Renting, but I Got No Money, and I Got No Way to Get That, to Get the Furniture Moved, Do You Think You Could Help Me Out, and I Said, Leave It to Me, When Do You Want It Done, this is on a Monday, she said, well, it can be done as early as Saturday, I go, I'll be there Saturday at 8, don't worry about nothing, do I have to get a truck, you don't have to do anything, and what I did is I called up ten of my best friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I said, I got no reason to ask you this, and you could say no, it won't hurt my feelings, but my sister and I told him the whole deal, and ten out of ten said, when and where Donny, when and where, because you see, I've been showing up in these men's lives on a continued basis for many, many, many years, and I had some spiritual credit built up with them, and we were a family, when one of us goes through something, we all go through something, and we show up for each other in a real and meaningful way, we make a demonstration of goodwill, we don't say I love you with our lips, we tell you we love you with our feet, we don't need to tell you that we love you, because we're showing up in your life, we're there when you need us, and on that Saturday, ten of my best friends showed up at my sister's house with a rental truck, and we worked for twelve hours, and we moved all that furniture from my sister's house to the new house, which was three towns away, of course, and it took three trips to do it, and I was never so proud of my friends in Alcoholics Anonymous as I was that day, nobody complained, they were all their normal goofball alcoholic selves, cracking jokes at my sister, pulling me aside, going, you know, she's kind of hot, and I know she's suffering, I know I'm not husband material, but a rebound, you know, and I watched my sister at the low point of her existence in her life at that time, I watched her laugh and smile for most of the day, and I watched what AA brought into her life, and I thought how grateful I was that I'd become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've got to be honest with you, I felt good about myself, and not in an ego-driven way, it was like such an honor and privilege to be there for it, meant the world for me, and at the end of the day, my brother-in-law Larry showed up, and we had a big hug session in the front yard, and we were both crying, and I told him I loved him, I'm so sorry this was happening, and he says, Don, I love you, and I love your sister, we just can't be together anymore, I said, I understand, buddy, and he goes, Thank you, thank you so much for helping her, I offered, but she wants nothing to do with me, and I said, I get it, and he goes, Listen, I'm keeping one piece of furniture, it's my grandma's armoire, it's in the garage, I go, Yeah, she said don't touch that, he goes, Listen, man, I don't have any way to move it, I'm just renting a place at my buddy's right down the street, he goes, I know you got your pickup here, would you move it for me, I said, Absolutely, and we threw this armoire into my truck, and we drove like two blocks away, and unloaded it, no big deal, and I went back to my sister's house, and I, she was crying, and thanking me, and kissing on me, and I said, No big deal, and I left there, I remember I was on cloud nine, I was floating, next day I called my sister to check on her, because that was my habit during this period, to call her every day, and I got her voicemail, that happens occasionally, and I'd say, Hey, you're probably busy in the Well, that happens occasionally, and I'd say, hey, you're probably busy and this and that, just checking on you, give me a call when you get time.
I went back to my busy day. Well, she never called me back, and that was unusual, but I didn't think much of it.
[00:45:00]
She had a big day the day before. I called her the second day and got her voicemail and left her a message, and she didn't call me back that day. I get a little concerned. I called the third day, I get her voicemail, and now I'm really kind of scared. I call my mom up, and I go, hey, Mom, what's going on with Pat? She won't call me back. She's not answering her phone. And my mom goes, well, I just talked to her. I go, really? I go, is she okay? She goes, she's fine as far as I know.
I go, why wouldn't she be taking my calls? My mom went, well, and I went, well, what? And she goes, did you move a piece of furniture for Larry? And I go, yeah, I moved an armoire after I moved for 12 straight hours with 10 of my friends, all of her crap. Yeah, I did. And she goes, well, it pissed her off. I go, you've got to be kidding me. I go, well, it cost her eight grand to have somebody do what we did. We did it for fun and for free, and now she's pissed at me?
Oh, my God. She goes, listen, I don't want to get in the middle of this. And I got a resentment. And I called my sponsor up, and I said, you know, I don't deserve to be treated this way. And I did this for her, and I did that for her, and da, da, da. And then she treats this, and she won't talk to me. And he goes, Don, I know your story pretty well. And I want to ask you something. Have you ever been the kind of brother that didn't deserve it, yet for some reason she hung in there with you?
Oh. It's good to have a sponsor. But, man, they can make you feel two inches tall in just a couple of sentences. And I said, yeah, man, you know that. And he goes, eh, maybe we give her this one. What do you say? Ah, I felt like such a punk. And I said, okay. And what started is I would call my sister every week, and every week I would get her voicemail. And I had direction from my sponsor not to ask why she wasn't calling me, not to ask why she wouldn't talk to me, but to tell her that I loved her, tell her a little bit about what was going on with my life that week, tell her I hoped she was doing well and I missed her, and tell her to call me when she had time.
And I called her every week for a year, and she never picked up the phone. And in this time I knew she was okay, because she was talking to my mom, she was talking to everybody else. And after a year I called my sister to leave my weekly voice message, and I was composing what I would say, and I had gotten quite creative with them, telling jokes and singing little songs and amusing myself as I do when I'm in pain.
And I called, and on the second ring she answered the phone. Hello, I didn't know what to say, I was dead silent. I said, Pat? She said, Don? I said, how are you? She said, good, like nothing had happened. And my sponsor, in his infinite wisdom, had given me direction on what to do if she ever did answer the phone. So we did that, we made small talk, talked about nothing in particular, and then I invited her to lunch.
And she accepted. And we made a lunch date, and we went out to lunch, and my sponsor talked to me and he said, Do not say anything, do not screw this up, just have lunch and pay for it, and then go home. Don't screw up the healing. Okay, okay. And I didn't, I didn't say a word about anything, I didn't say a word about the year, I did really well for about 45 minutes. And at the end of the 45 minutes I said, you know I've got to ask.
And she started laughing, she goes, I can't believe you lasted this long. And I said, what the hell was that about? And she goes, Don, when Larry and I ended, I've never been so angry and hurt in my life. And I got really scared, my feelings were really running me, and my emotions were out of control. In fact, I started seeing a psychiatrist, I got on medication because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself.
And she said, it was the darkest days of my life. She goes, I would go to work, I would get everything done, I would take care of my daughter, your niece Jackie, but at the end of the night I would lay in bed and I would cry. And I would think about how I destroyed my life, and I would try to think of reasons not to kill myself. And then she reached for her phone, and she dialed up her voicemail, she hit the play, and she kept every message I'd ever sent her.
And as they played one after another, and they were very entertaining by the way, I want to interject that, quality work. She explained to me her process would be to lay there in tears, and she goes, and I would listen to your voicemails over and over and over again. And I knew at that moment, right there, that there was somebody who loved me, and needed me, and wouldn't throw me away no matter what.
[00:50:03]
And she said, I really, really needed to be angry at somebody, and I really needed to act out. And I couldn't do it with my daughter, I couldn't do it with my ex, and I didn't want to do it with my friends, I didn't feel safe, I felt so crazy. But you, you know crazy. And she said, and I knew you'd never throw me away, I knew you'd never turn your back at me. And I'm so sorry I did that, but I needed you to be the fall guy.
And I've got to tell you, it's one of the greatest compliments I've ever received in my life. And my sister is still one of my best friends today, one of my partners in crime. We talk all the time, we share lives together. About four years ago, she found out I was going on an AA trip to Iceland, and she said, oh, I want to go to Iceland. I go, I bet you do. And I said, Pat, it's not what it sounds like, it's like service work.
We're going to be at conferences, we're going to be talking all day, we're going to be going to little meetings during the day, there's going to be some sightseeing, it's going to be an AA trip. And she goes, I don't care, I just want to go with my brother to Iceland. And my sister on her own dime came with me and two other AA members, and we went to Reykjavik, Iceland, and Akari, Iceland, and went all over the country.
And my sister went to all these meetings and traveled everywhere and ate with us, and the people in Iceland are just like the people in America. You treated her like family. And I got to show off my sister, and we got to have this great experience. And my sister, she's been all over the world. She's a world traveler, and she says to this day that is the greatest vacation she's ever had, was hanging out with drunks that didn't drink.
And we had a great, great time. And once again, you know, I would have missed it all if I hadn't done the amends. And if I hadn't taken to heart that this thing isn't one and done. This is about preparing ourself. Page 77 tells me my real purpose of making the amends is to fit myself to be a maximum service to God and the people around me. But that's also my family. That's also some of the people in those amends.
That's everybody. I have to be a different guy. And, you know, when we talk about the amends, we very often talk about them in this way. We talk about what I call the consequence amends, right? We talk about the stuff that was unsettled and dirty and broken when we came to Alcoholics Anonymous. But what do the amends look like today? How are those alive in my life today? Or is this just something we do to clean up our past?
What about the wreckage we acquire in sobriety? I'll tell you what. If I sponsor you and I've sponsored you for over six months, more than likely I've made a formal amends to you. Because I'm human. And sometimes I'm short with people. And sometimes I'm not on point. And sometimes I'm not listening the way I should. And that will come up in a 10-step or an 11-step, and I'll have to call somebody and make an appointment to talk with them and go, You know what?
I wasn't there for you. And I gave you lip service. And I shouldn't have answered the phone, to be honest with you. I had a lot going on. And I should have asked you if I could call you back. And I apologize for that, and I'll try to do better in the future. What can I do to make it right? And if you want to make a sponsee happy, make amends to them. It's better than a Christmas gift or a new big book.
They love that crap. I've been married for over 25 years to the same beautiful woman, Eileen, 30 years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've made probably more amends to my wife than anybody else because she's the most important person in my life that I see the most. But I'll tell you this about the amends. I remember being married about three years, and I came up to make amends to my wife because I had done it again, you know, whatever it was.
And my wife put her hand up, and she goes, Stop. All right, mid-sentence, I go, Stop what? She goes, Don't even bother. I know what you're going to do. I go, What am I going to do? She goes, Oh, you're going to make amends. You're going to tell me how bad you feel. You're going to tell me you're sorry. And then you're going to do it again. So why don't we just skip all that, and I'll just let you off the hook.
How about that? And I just remembered how indignant I got. Well, I'm sorry, but this is all we have in our format for me to try to clean up the past, and I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you and not spiritual like you. And once you get over your initial reaction, you know, I thought about it. I thought, She's right. I'm being so dishonest, and I'm using the ninth step to do it because I didn't care that she was hurt, not really.
I didn't care that she was mad. I just didn't want her to be mad at me. Because I'm that kind of self-centered. She was harsh in my buzz. And this is how I know I'm like that in my marriage. Every now and then my wife would be in a bad mood, and I would get nervous. And I would go up to her seemingly in a caring manner. Baby, baby, you seem like you're off your game. What's going on? And she'd go, Oh, it's not you.
It's just I got in a fight with this girl at work.
[00:55:01]
The minute I heard that, I lost interest. I had to ask myself, Am I really concerned with my wife's well-being? Am I really concerned with how I affect her? And I had to talk with her about the amends, and I said, You know, you're absolutely right. And I talked to her about the dishonesty that I had, and she was using the amends. And I said, The truth is, if I had been honest, I would have said something like this.
Please don't be mad at me. When you're mad at me, it's hard for me to enjoy myself. And so if you could just get over it and let me off the hook, that would be good. But the truth is, I'm inconsiderate and stupid, and I'll probably do something like this pretty soon. But I'm trying to be a better guy, but that's the truth. It wouldn't have been very productive or spiritual, but at least it would have been honest.
And so what I started to do with my wife is I started, when I made amends to my wife, it became a piece of spiritual business, not lip service. An amends is to change or fix something. An amends needs a demonstration of goodwill. If I can't say what my demonstration of goodwill is going to be, and I can't tell you what I'm going to change or fix, it's not an amends, it's an apology. In the amends process, there is an apology, but it's the smallest part of the process.
And I'll tell you what amends look like. They're not big. They're not big, exciting stuff, but they are to me. I remember my wife came up to me about five years ago, very innocently, and said this. Listen, I don't want to start anything. Now, if your wife says, listen, I don't want to start anything, buckle up. She's about to start something. I said, what's going on? And she asked me a question very nicely.
She said, I'm just curious if you're ever going to make the bed. Now, we've been married about 20 years. This time I'd never made the bed. And there have been other men in this situation in history, and I believe I gave the dumbest answer you can possibly give when asked that question. I said this. I thought you liked making the bed. She said, nobody likes making the bed. And let me tell you, if your heart and mind is attuned to the welfare of others, including your wife, if you come from a place where you want to make right the wrong, you might say something like this.
Would you like me to make the bed? And she said, that'll be great. And I give you permission if you ever meet my wife to ask her if I make the bed, and I guarantee you, for the last five years, if I'm at home, I make the bed. And I want to be clear about this. It's not a big deal. The adjustment I made was about that big. And most of the things I have to change about myself so I can have better relationships with the people that I love are very, very small.
But here's the problem. I think I'm a mind reader. I don't ask questions. I used to be confused about my marriage. I used to wonder, how does this work? What do women want? They're so mysterious. I remember realizing that all the answers to all the riddles were contained in the woman sleeping peacefully next to me in bed every night. I just never thought to ask. God, I remember, it was probably seven or eight years ago, I heard this stupid exercise on the radio, and I thought, wow, that sounds kind of like inventory work, you know, and I can involve Eileen on that.
That would be cool. I come home, and I go, hey, you want to do this marriage exercise? She goes, sure. What do we do? On a scale of one to ten, rate me. And she had a number instantly, didn't even have to think about it. It was not the number I was thinking of. And this exercise is my idea, right? So I got to look cool so I control my facial reaction. I go, oh, really, a seven, you say? She said, well, if I am in fact a seven, how would I become an eight, because that's the other part of the exercise.
She had an answer for that, didn't even have to think about it. She said, it would be very nice if you actually looked at me when I talked to you. And here's my emotional reaction, my intellectual reaction to that. It's ridiculous. I look at you when you talk to me. Why would you say something so stupid? But I'm trying to get along, right? So I go, okay, I'll make it a piece of spiritual business. You got it, man.
And it goes in the immense folder. I got to change or correct something. About a week later, we're on the couch. She wants to talk to me about something. I remember this, right? She starts talking. So I lock in, man. Boom, eyeball to eyeball. Don't even blink like a psychopath, you know. And she's talking, talking, talking, talking. And I don't know, she hit it. We really talked for a long time, like two minutes.
And my head starts to shake. And my head starts to shake, man, and I start to go over here, and I got to grab my head and bring it back, and I go over here, and I got to bring it back, and she hit the three-minute mark, and I got to tell you, I would have rather looked at the blazing sun with naked eyes
[01:00:07]
than to continue to look at my wife while she was talking, and I remember thinking, if I'm this wrong about that, what else am I wrong about? I'll tell you the last formal amends I made, and then I'll sit down. About a year ago, I had a wonderful procedure. It's called a colonoscopy. I've had them before. They're really a party. If you haven't had one, look into it. And you have to fast for 24 hours before it, and you have to take medication that will clean you out, and so when I get ready to have a colonoscopy, usually by that time, I'm very hungry, I'm very grumpy, I'm dizzy, I'm just not very happy.
So we show up at the office. I've got a 2.30 appointment. I get there at 2.15 like I'm taught in AA, and I go up, and I check in with the very nice lady there, and she goes, okay, thank you. You're all checked in. Listen, we're running a little bit late, about three hours, so if you just have a seat, we'll let you know. We can get to it. My wife's standing next to me, and I said very calmly, I said, okay, I understand these things happen.
You know, it would have been a really great time to hear that, and she goes, no, when? I go, when I was at home, comfortable on my couch instead of your nasty, germ-ridden waiting room, because you must have known you were running behind what? We're at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. You didn't know you were behind by 11? You don't have my information? I can see my chart there. You've got my number. You've got my cell number. You've got my wife's cell number.
You make a phone call. You say, we don't know what we're doing. Don't bother coming down. Just relax. But no, I've got to sit here. And my wife, through this whole tirade, is yanking on my arm, and I'm just like talking to her while my wife's yanking and giving her what for. And my wife finally yells at me. She goes, we need to go outside. I go, I don't want to go outside like I'm a little boy. And I go, and I sit down, and I sulk, and I nurse this resentment for three hours, and then I go have a colonoscopy.
And the next day, man, it's waiting for me in my morning meditation, and I can just see myself. Ooh, it's ugly, right? You know what I mean? I was 29 years sober. Sponsor half of North America. Ooh, send a postcard of that to GSO. You know, that's what recovery looks like for Don. And I don't know what to do, man. And I've got to tell you, man, I call my sponsor, and I tell him what happened, and he does what he does, and when he gets done laughing, he goes, we've got to go clean that up. I don't even know the woman's name, man.
That's no excuse. So about 1 o'clock that afternoon, the day after my colonoscopy, I show up in this office with a box of donuts, because everyone likes donuts, don't they? I don't know what else to bring. I could have got her flowers, but I bet on the donuts. And I wait my turn in line, and I get up to the front, and there she is. And I said, hi, I'm Don. I was here yesterday. I wonder if I could talk to you for a minute.
She looks at me, and she goes, oh, I don't remember you. And I said, oh, I'm the one that said, and I tell her what I said, and she goes, oh, you. And I go, yeah, you did not deserve to be talked to that way. Your job is tough enough, and I could give you excuses about fasting and everything. It's inappropriate. I never want to talk to anybody that way, and I am so sorry. And please accept my apology. Please accept these donuts.
I didn't know what you liked. If you don't like donuts, tell me what to get you, and I'll get you that. Tell me what I have to do to make it right. I am so sorry. And she just laughs. She goes, listen. She goes, you big guys are the worst. She goes, I've been doing this for 20 years. You're not my first rodeo. She goes, but I will tell you this. She goes, you're the first one in 20 years that ever came back and said they were sorry.
And she leans forward, and she goes, are you a friend of Bill's? So we are everywhere. So pay attention. Thanks for listening. Wow. We're being rocketed. Thank you so much, Jennifer. And thank you, Dawn.