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Source: Don C – New Mexico Indian AA Convention – Albuquerque – 1994-04-02 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: don-c-new-mexico-indian-aa-convention-albuquerque-1994-04-02-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:53:27
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My name is Don C. I'm an alcoholic. Hello everybody. It's just really an honor to be here. I always know that sometimes the first time you try to put one of these together it can be scary because you don't know, you know, who's signing up, who isn't. But these are the things that there's some people out there drinking it, Indian people. They'll be here next year when you have it again. And it's a matter of starting it and trusting that we're really all doing the will of the Creator. And so it's just really a pleasure to be to the first one. Maybe I'll tell you an Indian joke. Up there in the north there was a school up there and this teacher has about 30 of these kids, but one of the kids in there was this little Indian boy. And God, he's just really talented. He's just smart in math and science and everything. So she was watching him there one day and he's just a likable young man too. So she was noticing how smart he was, but she observed him and thought about that. She says, you know, he's got a problem. She says, he's kind of like a little liar, you know, not in a bad way, but he would just change the colors of things and just change the story all the time. And maybe this teacher was an al-anon. I don't know. That was a joke. And so anyway, she decided, she said, you know, I'm going to talk to him a little bit about that. Because if he gets older, you know, that will cause him problems. So she sent him down after school there one day. She told him how smart he was and everything. She says, but you know, he kind of twists the truth a little bit too much. She said, I think if we all work together and I'll counsel you and help you so you tell the truth. And so they agreed that that would be good. So over the next number of weeks, he'd lie a little bit and she'd counsel him a little bit and he'd lie a little bit more and she'd sit him down and talk to him. And it was going on like that. And it seemed like no matter what she did, she just couldn't get this little Indian boy to quit stretching that truth line a little bit. So finally, one Friday, she called him up to the front of the room there after school. And she is pretty frustrated at him. And she said, you know, she said, I try everything that I know to get you to quit this line. She said, I have exhausted all of my plans. But she said, if I catch you lying again, she said, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take you to the principal's office. And you know, every little person, they don't want to go to the principal's office, you know. So boy, he stood up, he vowed, I promise, I promise, I won't lie again. I won't, don't take me to the principal's office. So Monday morning, he come into school and he was so excited, he walked right up to the teacher. He said, man, I got to tell you, he said, we had one heck of a weekend.
He said, just me and my dad. He said, we went out by ourselves like father, son. He said, and we had good talk. He said, we went camping. He said, we did some hiking. And then he said, Sunday, he said, we went fishing. He said, and we went down to the lake there. He said, only caught two fish. He said, I caught one, my dad caught one. And he said, each one of those fish, he said, weighed 100 pounds apiece, he told her. Boy, she's just madder than heck, you know. So she grabbed him by his ear, she took him right up to the principal's office.
So of course, she had to kind of inform the principal what was going on. So the principal said to a little Indian boy, he said, I heard you had a good weekend. Oh, I had a great weekend. He said, me and my dad went camping and hunting. And he said, went fishing. He said, only caught two fish, but each one weighed 100 pounds apiece. He said, I caught one, my dad caught one. So that principal, he looked at that little Indian boy and he kind of laid back in his chair. And he was thinking to himself, he said, you know, he said, sometimes he said, like in this case, he said, it's good to fight fire with fire. So he leaned forward, he looked at that little Indian boy and he said, you know, he said, we went camping this weekend too. He said, had a marvelous time. He said, we went hiking and we talked some and he said, Saturday night, he said, we cooked this big venison steak. He said, right after we got done, he said, we heard a little noise in this bushes and he said, this big grizzly bear. He said, come walking out the bushes there. He said, walk near the center of our camp. He said, round that campfire. And it was headed right towards our tent where
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we were sitting. Then he said, all of a sudden, he said, we heard another noise over on the
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other side in the bushes. He said, this little Chihuahua dog come running into that camp there. And he said, he looked at that bear and he said, that little Chihuahua dog, it run to that bear and it jumped right on top of that bear's back. He said, and run up his back like that by his neck. He said, that Chihuahua bit that bear in the neck. He said, that darn grizzly just dropped down dead. Oh, that little Indian boy, he looked at that principal and that principal looked back at that little Indian boy. Final little Indian boy, he stood up and he got this big smile on his face and he said, sir, he said, I have you know, I'm the proud owner of that dog. And that's the second bear killed this month.
So you got to watch out for those Chihuahuas. Every time I see a Chihuahua dog, we saw one over here. Well, somebody had it on a little string, you know, I always think of that bear killer, you know. Don't say what you're supposed to say, what happened, what it was like and what it's like now. And maybe the best way I could talk about my alcoholism is, you know, when I was maybe about three months sober, I heard this guy tell a story about this boxing match. Maybe it was the second time in my sobriety I ever cried when I heard this story because it was summed up, it was so much like my own story. And he said that there was this boxing match going on in this big arena and in this one part of the arena, there was this guy in a black trunks and his name was Alcohol. And he said in the other part of the boxing rings was this guy, white trunks. That was me. And everybody, the arena was full, you know, and then you know how they're doing those boxing matches in the front row, they always save those special chairs for your family. So all my family, they had special tickets right up front, see, so they could see what was going on. And so as that evening started to progress, the arena was pretty full and pretty soon the announcer come and then that fight started. So me and Alcohol, we went round one, started fighting out there and it was a lot of fun. There was nothing damaging going on in that first round and so that bell would ring, we sat down and Alcohol look at me and smile, I look right back at him and smile. So he got up and we danced around there in that ring and a couple more rounds later, oh Alcohol kind of snuck in a lucky punch, you know, kind of stung my chin a little bit. Oh Alcohol said to me, he said, oh that was just a lucky punch. He said, you know, we'll just keep on fighting and I knew it was a lucky punch. So as our rounds continued there, then pretty soon Alcohol, he kept sneaking in more of these lucky punches and each time he'd smile at me and he'd say, that was just a lucky punch, you know, I know that. I said, just had my guard down just a little bit. And so then finally, as the rounds started to continue, then pretty soon all the people in the arena, they started to leave, a couple at a time, a dozen at a time, because I think for them it was a pretty boring fight and maybe they could see where that fight was headed for. And so as another round or two went by, then all of a sudden, oh Alcohol, he stepped up there and he just got in a good one, kind of knocked me down like that. And while that guy was counting, you know, oh Alcohol, he come there and he said, that was just luck, that was, you know, he said, you can whip me and I got up and dusted off my gloves and I said, I know I can. There's one thing I know for sure, that's what I know, is I can whip you. And so at another round or two, Alcohol kept punching like that and then finally the arena was almost empty, except my family. They all still sat there in that front row. And finally on one of those, between the rounds there, you know, finally the family, they come up and they said, you ought to get out of that fight, you know, there's no, there's no one here, that Alcohol is just really doing a job on you. And I look back at them and I said, just one more round, just give me one more try at that, Alcohol, I think I'll get him this round. And so a couple more rounds went
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by and Alcohol, he just continued to pound away. And finally the family, they come up and they said, look, they said, if you don't quit this fight, you know, we're going to leave. And I said, well, I don't want you to go, I said, but I just got to have one more round with this guy. I said, I know I can do it. So I did that round and I looked around and he was gone. Then there was just me and Alcohol in there.
Now Alcohol, he was sitting over there, every time there's a break, he said, you know, you're gonna get that lucky punch and, you know, you're gonna whip me. And I sit there and I said, well, if one thing I know in my life is I can whip this Alcohol. So I went out there a couple more rounds and finally I noticed when that bell would ring, I'd be on my hands and knees crawling out there to do another round with that. And all the time that Alcohol is saying, you know, you know, you can whip me.
And I look up at him and I say, I know I can. And another round go out there and I'm crawling on my belly out there and then I was looking at the Alcohol's tenor shoes and it dawned on me, you know, I said, I think that guy is lying to me, you know. I look at his tenor shoes and he's telling me, you know, you can whip me. So I turned and I crawled out that arena on my hands and knees and pretty bruised up. So I got out there and took a little bit of time and I got well and I got thinking to myself, you know. I said, you know, I don't, I don't know. I think now I know some things I didn't know before. I said, I think I'm gonna go back there and just try him one more time.
So I went back into that arena and there the Alcohol is right up there hanging on them ropes, that big old same smile on his face. And I said, the Alcohol said, I'm back. He said, well, I knew you would be. So I put on my boxing gloves and I got in that ring and this time Alcohol, it wasn't like it was the first time. He didn't mess around. I was licking his boots right away again. And so when I seen his tenor shoes, you know, then I said, you know, maybe, I don't know. I better leave here. So I left.
Then I got out there, stayed out a little bit longer and then I got thinking again. I said, you know, I think now I know some things I didn't know before. So I went back in that ring again. Hey, Alcohol, I'm back. He said, I knew you would be. I've been waiting for you. So I went back in there and got that trouncing again. I think that's what they call a slip when you go back in there. And that's what I did. And I guess it took what it took and it costs what it cost. But my last drunk was August 9th, 1978, when I called all that arena and I said, man, I can't whip him. You know, I don't care what he says. He can whip me. And it was through that that experience that I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous through a treatment center. I remember the morning I woke up in this treatment center.
It was Christmas morning in this hospital in Denver. I was forced into that treatment center by my employer. And they told me that later on when I went back there, they said they voted me the son of a bitch of the year for 1977 because they forced me into treatment, but they couldn't force me to do nothing else. You know, counselors can't counsel if you don't talk to them. And I went in there and I won't tell nobody nothing when I was in there. But it was through there I attended my first AA meeting. And I remember it. There was this young woman in there. She had red hair. And I remember she said, they got that meeting going, you know, and she said to that group, and we were sitting there, she said, one of the reasons I'm cheering tonight, she said, I have 90 days of sobriety. Everybody clapped and everything. And I looked at her, you know, and I said to myself, I said, you know, that's from Memorial Day to Labor Day. I said, the bitch is lying.
There's no way, you see, somebody could go all summer and not drink. I didn't understand that, how somebody could do that. So I got out of treatment, and it was just a real hard time at first coming, you know, into AA. But I know what the turning point was for me, and it happened out in the Garden of Gods one night. Garden of Gods is a place outside of Colorado Springs. And one night, I was going up there, as I was my custom by then was to drink alone, because nobody …them by then was to drink alone because nobody else would drink with me and because I was too unpredictable.
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I never knew what I was going to do and I was a blackout drinker for a long time. I used to have funny habits or thoughts when I would get drinking. One of them, and I still don't know why, but when I used to drink, I used to hate cowboys. I didn't mind them when I wasn't drinking, but when I was drinking, there was this something about them that rubbed me the wrong way. And so sometimes I would do strange things, you know, even ones I didn't know, but I used to get in a lot of fights and things like that with those cowboys.
So I did a lot of things when I was drinking so people wouldn't, they wouldn't, they didn't want me around, but that was okay because I didn't want to be around them either. But one night I went out to the Garden of Gods and I took my guitar out there. I had learned to play guitar. And for those of you who don't know, there are 129 Hank Williams songs and I knew every one of them. So I take my guitar out there and I used to like to carry my wine in that little bag, you know, like the skiers do.
And I had my bottle of whiskey and I used to go up on this rock. I called it Spirit Rock. And on the top of that Spirit Rock, there was this tree. It was a pine tree. That pine tree only had three live branches left on it. The rest of those branches on that tree was dead. And I really felt close to that tree because I thought I have about three branches left and so do you. So we got to understand one another. So I used to go up there and sing to that tree.
But this particular night I was up there taking my guitar there, you know, because I used to, when I was drinking on that rock, I used to secretly think I could sing better than Hank Williams. I knew I could. They discovered the wrong one. But I was headed up there to sing songs to that tree. And on the way up that rock, I fell, I slipped, and I came tumbling down that rock. And my guitar went down and my guitar broke and my whiskey bottle broke and that little cover come off my wine bag and it was trickling out.
And I was pretty drunk, but I had, I fell upside down with my head in a, kind of in a dirt. My feet was up on this rock. And, you know, sometimes when you're drinking, you have to think about how you get out of that because, you know, it isn't obvious when everything is upside down. And so I was thinking there, trying to figure out, because it happened fast. It seemed like, but as I lay there, then all of a sudden something came around me and I have a lot of bad times in drinking and in things, but for some reason, this particular moment was different than any other moment in my drinking.
It was like a tornado came in my mind and it took me down to a depth. Beyond despair, beyond hate, beyond everything. And I remember it was such a tense bottoming out. And I just laid there and finally I just closed my eyes and I asked, I said to Creator, I said, you need to help me to live because I'm not going to make it. And I had said other times before, get me out of this one, you know, I'll never do it again and all that.
But this time the words just come and I don't even know that I meant it. Because I didn't go around saying, I wish I could quit drinking. I liked, I was in that place, I didn't care. But something happened there that night that I asked for that help. And today I think what happened was, I sometimes think that I had, to get sober, I had to have divine intervention. That it wasn't nothing that I did on my own.
And the only way I can understand that, I think the Creator has this little cupboard, and in those cupboards, when you open it up, there's little grace clouds in it, that grace clouds, you know, they're sitting in that cupboard floating. And every once in a while, He sees one of these human beings that ain't going to make it and He opens up that cupboard door and He grabs one of those little clouds and He guesses the distance you are from Him and He sails one of those little clouds through the air and it always stops over your head.
You know, then that is that cloud, that grace cloud that helps you. So I'm quite sure that I got one of those clouds because I don't believe it was anything that I did myself, you know, to get into recovery.
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And when I came into AA, I hated AA at first, actually. I didn't like it. I guess at that time, among some of my other outstanding character defects, I learned later on during the inventory, I was quite prejudiced. And I was sitting in there and I really resented to be in a room where there was no Indian people, it was all white people in there. And I thought, boy, to have to reach out my hand here, you know, this hurts.
But even in AA, for the first couple of months, when they would go around, you're supposed to say your name, and I'm an alcoholic, I wouldn't say nothing. But I both loved AA at that time and I hated it because I hated it because they laughed so much and I hated it because they were telling things on themselves. I didn't like that and when I would slip and go back, I could tell I was glad I'd come back.
And I felt this feeling like I belonged there and I didn't like that because it didn't seem right that I would belong there. So I come in there and I was slipping and coming back and slipping and coming back. And you know, the AA people have a special kind of an eye. Like you can be in a big room and somebody will ask you, is there anybody here in their first 30 days? And you can have a thousand people in front of you and you raise your hand like this and they see it, you know.
They always do, you ever notice that? And I have more of those white chips that they use. If you need any of them, I've probably got enough to last some group for a year. And they always would spot it. But finally, I guess it took what it took. And it was my last drunk that I came into AA. And it was then, too, that I got enough, I guess, willingness to also seek out a sponsor. And so I saw this man and I had been kind of watching him.
There were many things in AA I didn't understand at first. You know, they would say things like, if you want what we have, I didn't want anything anybody had in there. So that kind of didn't mean anything to me at first. But I went and I asked this man if he would be my sponsor. And he says, well, I'll talk to you about that. He says, why don't we sit down for a little while? And so we sat down there and he's a very tall man, very big man.
And he looked like he's hit about 30 times in the face with a war club. You know, he's just all scarred up and everything. But he was about 15 years sober then. And he said, I've been watching you. You know, in and out, in and out, in and out. He said, you've been slipping here for a couple of years. He says, you go, but you keep coming back. And he had this arrogance about him. You know how sometimes you take a little puppy and you just keep rubbing that puppy's face like that?
First, the puppy don't mind, but you keep rubbing it and that little dog will start to growl. Well, that was the way our sponsorship started out between me and him. And he would say things to me like, you know, he said, he said, you know, I've been in these meetings, he said, for 15 years. And he said, I watch you Indians come and go. And he said, you know something? He said, most of you guys don't make it.
He said, if something's about it, you just don't. So he kept saying little things like that. And I remember I looked at him and I made a decision. When he said that, I thought, you white son of a bitch, I'll show you I'll make it. You know? But he had this knowledge, he had this wisdom, because there was only one thing I really had a lot of, and that was hate. I had a lot of hate inside of me. So somehow I think he took that and he used it.
And it's kind of interesting, about four years later, I was in that same club. I seen this Indian guy talking to him, you know, by the table. You're right, I went by there and he says to me, you know, I watch you Indians come and go. He was pitching him, you know, he's got like that fish with bait on it. He was hooking that one too. But I didn't know that, you know. But then when we talked about it, he said, I'll tell you some things about our relationship.
He said, there's three things that I can give to you. He says, one thing I'll give to you is my friendship. And he said, to make that clear, that's not conditional on anything that you can think of. I don't care if you get mad at me or whatever. He said, the friendship is my decision. If I decide to be your friend, there's nothing you can do to destroy that.
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You have no choice in the matter. He said, second, he said, I can give you some hope. He says, because I know something you don't. He said, I know how to stay sober. And you don't have any knowledge of that whatsoever. And he said, the third thing I can help you with, he said, I'll save you some time. He says, because I'll tell you my experience and I can tell you where to look for things. If you want to go do it your way, go do it your way.
But I will give you the benefit of my experience. Of 15 years. And then he took that big book and he opened that big book up and he showed me how many pages was 164 pages. And he said, the only way I know how to sponsor is by this big book. And he said, in this big book are precise instructions on how this program works. He said, it's only this thick. And he said, what you're going to do is bet your life that if you do what it says in these 164 pages you will make it.
He said, because what this program is about is about staying sober forever. This isn't about slipping. This program has a certain guarantee and if you do certain things you will make it, that you will recover. And then he went on to say, he said, some other things. He said, I'm not your taxi cab. He said, I'm not your banker. He said, I ain't your daddy. And he gave me a schedule of meetings and he had them circled and there was seven days in a week and six of those meetings were circled by him.
And I had a choice of one night that I could take myself. And he said, you will go to these meetings every night. Saturday night is your night of choice. He said, when you go to these meetings you tell them, my name is Don. I'm an alcoholic. Then he said, you shut up. He said, because you really don't have anything to offer. He said, you just listen. And you know, AA is like the Indian country in a way.
I went to this meeting and I don't remember why but I talked a little bit after I said my name was Don. I'm an alcoholic. I got home that night. I wasn't home ten minutes. The phone rings and here's Frank. I said, hello. He said, what the hell are you doing talking tonight? So AA must be full of snitches too. So then what he did is he showed me in the big book. He said, there are these twelve steps are in this big book.
And he said, your first assignment he says, you are to look at each of these twelve steps and you are to answer two questions. These two questions you need to answer for each of the twelve steps. He said, one, he said, you read that step like step one and you ask yourself this question do I want to do this step? And he said, the second question you need to ask with each of these steps is am I willing to go to any length?
So he said, when you go off and you think about those two questions then you come back to me and tell me what your decision is. Because he said, you don't have to work steps to stay sober. He said, there's hundreds of people in the AA stay sober and they do not work steps. But he said, the AA says it's like a banquet. He said, on one end there's you know, like T-bone and you know buffalo steak maybe then it works its way down to like meatloaf and pork chops and bologna sandwiches and peanut butter.
And he said, what this is about he said, it's like a banquet. He said, now you can get any kind of sobriety that you want out of that banquet. But he said, one of the problems he said with you choose peanut butter sobriety he says, peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. So like when I would see him you know, in a club or something like that he'd look at me and he'd go you see rubbing it in my face like that used to make me mad when he did that.
But he said, the reason he said it's important to ask yourself do you want to do the steps because you don't have to to stay sober but you want to work them. So I took a couple of weeks and I came back and I had answered both of those questions for each of those 12 steps. Then I said, I wanted to do this. He said, now you're sure you want to, right? I said, uh-huh. You're willing to go to any length?
Oh yeah, I'm willing to go to any length. He said, I'll remind you about that probably a little bit later on and he started to show me what the instructions were. He took that big book and he started to show me where the instructions were, because, see, I could never find them. To me, that big book was the most boring book I ever read in my life, you know, when I started to first read it.
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But then he showed me the first 43 pages had to do with the first half of Step 1. And initially, he said, I want you to still go to these meetings, but on those first pages for the first half of Step 1, he said, I want you to read that 25 times before you call me. I had to read it and read it and read it and read it and read it. And so I went ahead and I did that. And then I came back to him and he showed me that in the big book on page 52, there's a paragraph that has nine suggested ways to look at unmanageability in my life.
And so he showed me where that was and then I had to do some work looking at that unmanageability in those nine areas, personal relationships, emotional nature, making a living full of fear. And then I took that back to him and then that turned out to meet his approval, I guess is how I would say it. And me and that man, we didn't really, I didn't like him probably for a couple years just because of our relationship, but he was a precision step worker.
By the big book and by no other book, he wouldn't even let me use the 12 and 12. And he is kind of critical of the way he said it. He said, Bill Wilson wrote that book when he was depressed. He said, don't be using that book. This is the only book there is. But then, because I found out by mistake, because then I went over to his place one night I had the big book and I thought I'd impress him because I had the 12 and 12 in along with it.
He wasn't impressed at all. And so I never took that 12 and 12 back there. But then he went on and he showed me in chapter 2, we agnostics. He says, this is to do about step 2. And he said, I want you to read it through one time with a yellow marker. And he said, I want you to circle or mark off anything that has any suggestions about hope. And he said, I want you to go through the second time with a blue marker and you to mark off anything that talks about any kind of power.
Higher power, whatever. And I was to read that very thoroughly. And then I had to read that many times also. So I came back and then we talked about step 2. So then he showed me in the big book where the instructions were to prepare oneself to take step 3. And so when I got done with those instructions, I went over to his house. And I remember the night I took my third step because he had in his home a cat.
And for many, many years, cats are very, very intelligent animals. And cats and I always have had a understanding. See, I stay out of your way, you stay out of my way. And that's the way cats and I were. So when we got over to his place that night, we went through to make sure I had done that the way he suggested. And so me and this big man, we got down on our knees. And each had our big book open to that page where the third step is.
And hang on hands. And he said, I'll say the prayer first and you say this prayer. And then I remember that, see, like that third step, that thing kind of scared me at first when I first looked at it because I didn't, I wasn't sure what did that mean. And it was just a couple weeks or a week or so before I took that third step, I heard this guy tell this story about how he looked at the third step.
And he said there was these four frogs, he said, sitting on the log. And then he said one of those frogs made a decision to jump in the water. And I said, how many frogs was left? I said, well, three. He said, no, there's four. He said that one frog only decided to jump in the water. But he said, how that fits into the third step, he said, when that frog decides to turn its will in its life over the care of the creator, he said, then God turns that frog orange.
So he says, you will have that orange frog sitting on that log next to three green ones. And somehow, whatever was going on in my mind, I understood through that story what that third step was. So the decision was, did I want to become a green or an orange frog? And that's kind of how I interpret it. And so I went over this night and we got on our knees and said that prayer. We sat down after it was done.
And that darn cat come down the steps like that and it jumped off that stairway. And it come right over and it jumped right up on my lap. And then it was just start rubbing its side of itself on my stomach. And I didn't even throw it away or anything. I just let that cat do that. But somehow, you know, I knew something was going on there,
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that maybe that this thing was starting to work. So I looked at Frank and I said, well, now what? And he reached behind his chair and he pulled out a tablet and two pencils and a ruler. And he said, well, in that book, what it says next is to write inventory. And so before I left there that evening, I was writing inventory. And he showed me how to write inventory. Five columns for the resentment inventory, four columns for fear inventory, and either seven or nine columns for the sex inventory, depending upon how sexually active you were.
And seven is for the short activity. Nine column is for the long activity. So I knew I would be writing a nine column sex inventory because I had drunk a lot. And so I went and I finished my inventory. And I remember thinking to myself, I knew that inventory was good. When it was done, it was thorough because according to those instructions, I had to have in an inventory all of my dark crannies. No secrets.
Everything had to be told to another human being, to God and to myself. But what I did was, is I wrote the inventory, but then I took the dark crannies and I wrote them on other pieces of paper. I wrote them separate from the rest because I wasn't so sure I wanted to tell anybody some of that stuff. For one reason, I could get in trouble with the law with some of the stuff that was in there. And there were other people I could get in trouble with if it got into the wrong hands.
So I remember the night I went to do my fifth step. And what happened was, you know how sometimes when you go to go drink, you get that antsy feeling, you know, your hands go like that and your wrists and your ankles and all that. And it's that same song, you know, you start singing, geez, I need some cigarettes while I go to the bar and get them. And I could feel that coming on and I got really afraid.
And I knew that night I had two choices, either fifth step or drink. Always through the steps I was motivated by alcohol. It wasn't by my head. And I knew my choices had to, I had to choose that night. So I call up Frank and I, when I called her, his wife said, geez, we just took him to the hospital. He's in the hospital. So then I went, oh no. So then I call this other guy that I kind of knew and his phone didn't ring.
And I called a third guy and, you know, when you're new in a program, it's very difficult to ask somebody to do a fifth step with, because it's very difficult to do that. So I was starting over those words and finally this guy said, he said, you do, you want to do a fifth step or something like that tonight? And I said, yeah. So I'll put on a copy. So I went over to his place and we spent the next number of times and we did a fifth step.
So I read all that stuff like I was told. And then he looked at me and he said, well, do you have any more? And it was that moment, you know. And I wanted to lie because, you know, I thought, oh, I don't know if, I don't even know this guy, you know, much less telling him this. I didn't mind telling my cheetah, my wife and all that stuff because everybody knew that anyway. But I had other stuff in there.
And so he poured us some more coffee and then he started to tell me some things about himself. And, you know, AA people are very, very wise in a lot of ways. And he started to tell me, in some of it, some pretty juicy stuff, you know. And I was glad he did that because as I was reaching in my pocket to get my dark crannies, I remember thinking, I'll tell you, son of a bitch, but if you tell on me, I'll tell on you, you know.
So there was a certain comfort level and I had because I thought I had something on him. But he just, he wasn't, it wasn't a secret to him. But it was mine, but he helped me do that. And so I had got through the fifth step that way. Then I was instructed to go back home. And there was instructions that I was supposed to do with that fifth step. One, I used to say this prayer. And to thank God from the bottom of my heart that I know him better.
And so I came home that night and I did that. I did, as I was instructed, I reviewed the proposals. And then I took my list of character defects and I did steps six and seven. And, you know, according to that big book, and then I came out of that with a list of amends. And I had a lot of amends in my first inventory that I did. And I made amends, I made all kind of amends. And he showed me the seven type of amends out of the big book.
[00:40:00]
Financial amends, personal amends, where the instructions were for them. And I remember what I did was, is I divided my amends into three columns. I made them easy, medium, and hard. And so I went out and I did three easy amends. And they were easy. So I thought, well, I'm going to go pick one of these medium amends. And I'll try that out. So I went to make this amends and I made it to this person.
And I started to do this amends. And she got mad and she said, you know, that's not, that's the least of what you did. She said, there's some other stuff that you did, let me tell you. And so she started telling me the stuff and I started getting mad back at her. And she got, started screaming at me. And I started screaming right back at her. So I ended up even making an amend for an amend. And those are pretty tough also.
But he was quite insistent that I go to any length in making amends. Because there were some people that I didn't know where they lived. Well, one of the things that he knew that I didn't was, he knew that downtown Denver at the phone company, there was a library of telephone books. And that I had to go down there and find these people, you know, where they were. He was quite insistent that I go to any length to make those amends.
And so it took quite a while. And it's amazing, you go down, you open up that book, and the name of the person that you're looking for, they print it darker. In the phone book, they jump right out at you. I had this one amend, I hadn't seen this person for seven years. One half block from that, a club that I was in, I come down this alley and that person was going down that alley the other way. Our cars wouldn't pass.
And I had some experience with amends, you don't know where they come from. And so I got through the amends, and when I got out of my ninth step, I was still very moody. I couldn't, I was just all over the place. But I found that it wasn't until I started doing steps 10 and 11 on a daily basis that I started to get some stability, you know, in my emotions. And I also, during those first years, he was quite insistent that I got involved in service work.
That was very, very important to get in service work. And I remember this one particular time, I don't know what space I was in, but I was really having a bad time early in my sobriety one day. And it was like, I knew I was going to go drink. I sat in a meeting, and it just was a terrible meeting. And I had, I didn't want to pray, I didn't want to read a big book, I didn't want to do nothing. So I decided, I was very, very miserable in my first months of sobriety.
And I thought, you know, if this is what sobriety is about, drinking is better. So I decided when I got out of that meeting, I was going to go drink. And on the way down, I passed, I had to drive by the detox. It was at Denver General. And I remember a couple of days before I was in this meeting, I heard somebody say in Chapter 12, it says that, when all else fails, go work with another drunk. And it just stuck in my mind.
So what I did was, I decided I would go in there and see a drunk and see if that worked. And it was like something else, maybe that cloud, you know, was pushing me a little bit. So I went up there, and I didn't quite know what to say to that lady when she come up there. But as luck would have it, she also was in the program. And finally she figured out what I wanted to do was to talk to another drunk.
So she said, well, let me take you down to room 12. So I went in there, and there was this Mexican guy in there, and he was all beat to hell, all bandaged up. And he couldn't talk English, and I couldn't talk his language either. But we kind of talked, you know, a little bit. And when I left there, then I got back in my car, and I found instead of going to the Purple Turtle, where I was headed, I turned and I went home.
I didn't feel any better. It was just that I went another direction. So there was a number of times that I would go there. I did that so often at first. I would walk in there, and they'd say, well, room 20, there's one in there for you. So I would go in there and talk. And that's what really worked for me, you know, at first. It was that. I think that's how it was. But now it's different. Sobriety is different for me.
In my sobriety, when I was drinking, I left the culture. I left all those ways. I was raised by my grandfather. I was raised by my grandfather, and I was sober, I guess about two years, when I met an elder that was also in a program, and I always felt I had this hole missing, something
[00:45:02]
was wrong. And when I talked to him, he said, you have to go back to the culture. He said, you will never, that hole will never fill up unless you go back, because you need to know that's a part of who you are in sobriety. And so it was through that I started to go back and seek in a culture. Then as I started to go back and I find that, and I start to find out that the steps in a culture has a lot in common, it's the same thing.
Then as things started to grow, I found out I could do, that both was the same thing. Both is about teaching one how to live, and living in harmony with the laws and the things that the Creator gave us on how to live. So today, like when I, I go through the steps every year. I have done that since I have been sober. And the reason I do that is, according to my sponsor, which I believe today is that ego always works on where you have your shit together.
Right where you think you're hot, that's where you get in trouble. And so going through the steps, you start to uncover those masks on a regular basis. So today when I take the steps, I kind of do it in a way that's different. I now, when I start the steps, I go to the mountains, and I take a stick and I draw a big circle in the earth, and I put in each of the four directions a ball of sage. And I build an altar in the middle.
And I have the altar there, and I ask myself those two questions. In other words, I want to know, do these steps have the magic again? Am I willing to go to any length again? Do I want to do this? And so I pray to those four directions, and I ask for the help and for the guidance. I ask the powers to come. Then I go back, and I sit up there, and I look. I always sit on a top where I can see a long ways, and I look at unmanageability.
And I always smudge myself really good in my big book, and I hold the eagle feather, and I ask it to help me see what it is I need to see. Then I take that second step in that same way. I go up there to create that vision of sanity, and I ask for that. So I look around. I believe that there is a power that can do that, and I see it in the trees, all the birds. They all come, and they sing, and they tell you about this power.
So I can make that decision about that power. Then I go to that same place with the third step, and I build that altar again. I put the sage in the four directions, and I take my pipe, and I take that third step with a pipe with another person to put that powers. And then I do my inventory. I do the steps four and step five. When I'm done with step five, I go to a sweat lodge, and I have them do a ceremony to help me really be free of that.
Then in steps six and seven, I go back to the mountain. In my culture, it's a way, it says that when you want to face the Creator, what you should do is wash yourself in the cleansing of the Mother Earth. So I go up there, and I take a stick, and I put it in the ground. And what I do is I dig a hole in the earth, and where that dirt gets kind of cool, about that level. Then I wash myself in that earth, and I wash all over my body in that way.
And I take my drum, and I sing songs to those four directions to show my willingness to have the defects removed. Then that's when I turn to that stake, and I get on my knees in a humble way, as I know, and I ask that Creator that I'm willing to turn this thing over to you again. And that works very good for me to do it that way. And then I take steps eight and nine, and I understand today that it is from you that I find that oneness with the Creator.
I cannot have that unless I learn it from you. I have learned in this program how to forgive the unforgivable. You have taught me a lot of that. And I think for the Indian people, that is our last great test that we must do, not always just as individuals, but also as a people. We must learn to forgive the unforgivable. So I pray every day, and I find that it is very, very important.
[00:50:03]
I think in my recovery today, if I were to ask myself, what is the worst thing that ever happened of all my drinking? I lost marriage, children, everything like that that went. But if I had to pick the thing that was the worst, I would put on the top of the list the loneliness. That hole that is inside, it doesn't matter with you or with people or with anyone, there is a hole inside that you can never fill.
That was the worst thing in the drinking. If I were to ask myself today, what is the best of all the sobriety, it is the relationship I have with the Great Spirit, very common sense, very practical, very easy. It's something I look forward to, to spend that time with the Creator. So it just continues. I have learned to join life again and to live life on His terms. I think in AA, when I'm in AA, I have that feeling of belonging here.
It's even closer than when I go home to my own tribe. I feel good about my people. I'm not saying it's bad, but there's something about belonging here with all of you that is different than anywhere else. And so I find that I like it because there's more Indians getting sober. I understand now that our people are in a great healing. It's just starting to really expand a lot. It wasn't too long ago you wouldn't see a lot of Indians sober.
Now you see many Indians sober. Our group in Colorado Springs, if you're ever there, we welcome you to it. It's called Down by the Creek Group. We have an AA meeting one Thursday, the next Thursday, Talking Circle. So we sit there with a big book in one hand, the Eagle Feather in the other, for our Talking Circle. We have about 40 Indians come there on a regular basis. When we started, there was this me and a Sioux guy, John B.
John B. went to the other side. We sat there for one year, me and him, between having a meeting together and a cup of coffee waiting. One year and one week, the third Indian showed up. And then from there now it goes to 40 of us is there, all different tribes. I would just say, if it's possible, keep this going. Keep this thing going, and let's do what we need to do to make it that way. Because there's many of our sisters and brothers, they're on their way here.
We have to be here when they are here, and to really make them feel welcome. So it's been an honor to share these times, the story with you that is my story. And I just want to say that I love you all very much. Thank you. Thank you.