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Source: DICOBE-00690 – Lenette D – EAST VALLEY INTERGROUP – 1992-04-11.mp3 File: dicobe-00690-lenette-d-east-valley-intergroup-1992-04-11.mp3 Duration: 01:00:41
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You don't look like Lynette. I don't? Thank you. Good evening everybody. My name is Lynette and I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic. Hi. I'm glad to be here tonight. As I said to somebody earlier, I'm glad to be anywhere tonight. If it wasn't for a loving God and His grace and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would not be anywhere tonight. And the only thing I have to share is my story of what happened to me that got me to this point today. I don't like to do long drunk-a-logs because I feel that what I've learned here is the most important part of my life, but I also feel I need to tell you enough so that you know that I am one of you. I can tell you that in the early stages of my drinking alcohol did everything for me I wanted it to do. It was the best friend I ever had.
It took off all the sharp corners and the rough edges and it made everything just okay. And I could step out easy. And I had two parts of me and one said I was better than you and one said I wasn't as good as you and they both went on at the same time. But when I drank everything was just okay. And I was very proud of the fact that I could drink for drink with just about anybody. Now I've always been in the agricultural field and trained horses and worked cattle and I was very proud of the fact that anything that you guys could do I could do too. And I used to say I could ride with them, I could rope with them, and I could darn sure drink with them. And that's just kind of the way I live my life.
Now I grew up in a good home with a lot of love and I grew up with a mother who told me that a lady only has a couple of drinks, two to be very specific. And somehow I didn't put any of that together with my party drinking. But the time came when I found that if I bought some booze and I took it home with me I always drank more than I intended. And it made me a little uncomfortable because I thought about what my mother used to say about being a lady. And I grew up in the kind of home where it doesn't matter what's going on on the inside you got to look good on the outside. And it really matters what your neighbors think of you. And I grew up under that thing of what will people think. But as I got on my own and I did more by myself I got further and further away from the honesty and the principles under which I was raised. Although I still worried about what other people thought. In fact I lived a whole lot of my life worrying about what other people thought. That or thumbing my nose at them one of the other. I did most of my best drinking right here in this this valley. I had been a single mother raising two children and I married and I moved to Phoenix. And my circumstances changed and I was alcoholic when I got here. I believe I was alcoholic from the first drink but it took a while to progress. I'm told this is a progressive disease and I can look back in my drinking career and see how that went.
And the situation that I lived in here and I lived up north of Cave Creek about as far from here as you can get I guess and I felt totally out of place. I had been a big deal in a little town and and lost a strong sense of identity before I came here. And I came here and I became Mrs. So-and-so and it gave me a wonderful fertile ground in which for my alcoholism to bloom. Now what happened anyway? I didn't drink because I came to Phoenix. I didn't drink because I married this man. I drink because I'm alcoholic. It just gave me a lot more time money and excuse to drink it quicker and get sick quicker. And I did started doing a lot of drinking alone. And it started out
[00:05:03]
innocently enough you know the cocktail before dinner the nightcap and all that and and it slowly became worse. And it was only only when it was late at night and when I was very drunk did the realization come to me that I was in trouble with my drinking. When I would get up in the morning one more time this wonderful thing that goes on between my ears would say as bright as you are and as much willpower as you have you really don't have a problem you just need to do it differently.
And so one more time I would say this time I'll do it right and the next night would be just the same. Somewhere along the line late at night with the television on came a thing on television that I know today was a public service announcement for Alcoholics Anonymous. I know that's what it was then. And there was something in that 30-second spot that that that struck a chord with me that said maybe they know how I feel. Because I was getting to the point where I had a lot of guilt and I was starting to blame. And so late at night I called Alcoholics Anonymous drunk. And one of loving person in Alcoholics Anonymous was putting their gratitude into action by taking that phone call at one or two in the morning and talking to a sick, sad, sorry, slobbering drunk. And she asked me if I wanted somebody to come over and talk to me and I said heavens no. I had this instant flash of thing in my mind that showed this big white van with big red letters on the side that said AA, megaphones on the front, tambourine music blaring out of them, and gosh knows what you'd look like, you know. And what would my neighbors think? And there's no way I wanted those people at my house.
So after we talked a little while I guess she convinced me that it'd probably be a good idea if I got some literature. And I finally said okay. Once she assured me it would come in a plain brown wrapper. And I suppose I read it. I know I do remember that I hid it in my lingerie drawer and I took no action. And my drinking progressed. And so one more time, very late at night, very drunk, I one more time called Alcoholics Anonymous. And one more time there was one of you on the other end of the phone. And this time, again I refused a 12-step call, but this time I said yeah I think I want to go to a meeting. Well we were eight or nine miles from the nearest meeting. There weren't, this was in 74, there weren't as many meetings as there are today. And so she was going to meet me at a meeting and I went. And she was unable to come, whoever she was, and she had somebody else meet me there. And they, and you were somewhere in the middle of the steps.
And I went to a few meetings. And I say that vaguely because I can't tell you if I went to two or I went to three or I went to four. I very carefully passed judgment on you and found you lacking. I desperately did not want to be one of you. And so I listened very carefully to your drunkologues. And I hadn't had a DWI and I hadn't fallen off a barstool and my marriage was intact and I never had a blackout. And I thought I was different. And today I know the cry of the alcoholic is, but you don't understand I'm different. And that's where I was at. I did buy a big book and a 12×12 because you told me to. And the only reason I know that that's when that was is that this lady that did befriend me gave me a 24-hour book and wrote a little message in and dated it. I did stop drinking. That was no big deal physically. I was physically able to stop without any any side effects other than lack of sleep. I didn't bother with the first 164 pages of the big book. I turned immediately to the back and read the stories. That was the second edition of the big book and the some of the stories are different in the second and third edition. They added some higher bottoms in the third edition. All I can tell you is that I read those stories and I was horrified. I did not identify. I thought it was awful who these people were and I wasn't one of them. And I took the books and I turned the binding against the wall
[00:10:02]
and I put them in the back of the closet we never used. The funny thing is is that when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous for real I had just moved and they were in the first box I unpacked. So somewhere inside of me those books were important even though I didn't know it consciously. And I spent the next six years trying to do it my way. And of course one of the things that happened along the way is it went from I have a problem to if you were different I wouldn't have this problem.
More and more I blamed those around me and blamed where I lived and and I thought anybody who lives here would be drunk. I look out at all of you and you're all sober so I know that wasn't true. You know. Well all those things that I had looked down my nose at you came true for me. And it's a shame I didn't express those because if anybody if I'd ever said well I haven't done this and I hadn't done that one of you might have looked at me kindly and said no you haven't done it yet. Because this is a progressive fatal disease. And most of those things did happen to me. And my marriage broke up and I decided to do what I know today to be a geographic cure and I moved to Pinetop up in the White Mountains. And I was going to start over in that part of chapter 3 that talks about sometimes it gets a little better but it doesn't last long. And then it gets worse and that's exactly what happened. I never thought of AA as an option I've already thought I had tried AA. And I would sit by my fireplace drink in hand analyzing how I was going to fix my problem. Now I knew I had a drinking problem. I wasn't an alcoholic but you know I had a drinking problem. And I would sit there for hours analyzing my problems and how I was going to fix them. And the only thing that happened was that the bottle of booze disappeared. And the next day I'd do the same thing. But the thing that was happening the worst was on the inside of me. It wasn't the things that were happening on the outside of me. The hole in the gut wouldn't go away anymore. I couldn't drink enough anymore to make it go away. And I used to say that my family and friends alienated me but I know today that's not true. I pushed them away because I saw the concern and I saw the worry and I saw the judgment in their eyes and I didn't want anything to do with them. Because nobody passed judgment on me more than I did. I hated me and I'd pour that drink in the morning because I became so physically addicted. And I pour the drink in the morning because I needed it. And hate myself while I drank it. And I couldn't not drink. And I couldn't understand why I couldn't not drink. So after all my analyzing I decided to go back to church and sing in the choir one more time. So our little paper only came out once a week and they put a half page of service announcements for the churches of all the churches in the White Mountain area in there. So I looked under the denomination I grew up in and looked up choir practice. I mean why bother to join the church just go directly to choir practice. And so I was looking for choir practice and I'm going down the little list and it says Tuesday night a meeting. My first thought was I can't go there everybody in town knows me. But I checked it every week. Wanted to make sure it was still there. Then the thought changed from I can't go there to if I go there should I give them my real name. You don't know how many bottles of booze and contemplation at the fireplace went into that one. And in the meantime my life was getting progressively worse. I was driving down, well Pine Top only has one road if any of you have been up there there's only one way to get anywhere. It's a one-street town. And I was driving home and what this between my ears was doing was saying God it'll feel good to get home and have a drink.
Drink. When all of a sudden, down in here, I knew that I was going to an A.A. meeting
[00:15:08]
that night. It was not a decision. I believe God in His infinite wisdom saw that I was incapable of making that decision and made it for me. It was just a fact. And I got home and I told my 15-year-old that I was going to a meeting that night. Now, I got to tell you, having a kid go through what my kids had to go through really shows me the destructiveness of this disease because it harms many, many people besides ourselves. At least it did for me. And she asked me where I was going and who I was going out with. And I said, I'm not going out with anybody. And, Shawnee, I'm going to an A.A. meeting tonight. And she threw her arms around my neck and she burst into tears. And she said, Mom, I'm so glad. I'm so glad. Well, you know, I decided I better clean up. I mean, you can't look like you need it, right? And it's real hard to clean up when you're, you got the flyaways, you know. I don't know if you ever get the flyaways. But I vibrate. It's what I do. I don't just shake. I vibrate. And so I go over to this church and, and Pine Top, my favorite watering hole is right at the corner of the street where you turn to go to this church.
And it's about a half a block behind my favorite watering hole, which is Charlie Clark's. And so as I turned in beside Charlie Clark's, I thought, well, if this doesn't work out, I'll just go to Charlie Clark's. So I go around and find where the lights are on at the church and I pull up and I go to the door and I look in and here's all these happy people. And I thought I was in the wrong place. I thought I'd walked in on a church meeting. See, my warped brain didn't remember you looking that good. And a lady looked up and saw me and I was trapped. I couldn't get away. And I'm standing there in the doorway and she comes over to me and I thought, well, I got to say something cool, you know. So I said, uh, is this the AA meeting? And she said, yes, it is. Come in. You're new, aren't you? So much for not looking like I needed it, right? And she did all those wonderful practical things that people do with newcomers. She took me over to the literature table and she got me a couple of pamphlets and she stayed with me and sat with me through the meeting. And they hadn't had a newcomer for a while. So they decided to practice on me. You have to realize in those days, each little town had one meeting a week. And except in the summer when the Flatlanders, that's you guys, you're the Flatlanders, come up to get out of the heat, the meetings were real small. But this happened to be summertime and there were quite a few people there and a number of you from this area, from Mesa, as a matter of fact, we had a couple of wonderful people from this area. And I can't remember what was said that night. I can tell you that I was in absolute fear. Alcohol was my best friend, my only friend I had left and I knew it was killing me. And the thought of letting go of the only thing that was getting me through each day and that I knew that was, that was destroying my life was the most scary thing in the world. And besides, I didn't think it'd work. I thought I'd tried it. I thought sobriety was sackcloth and ashes, you know, you gotta do pence for the rest of your life. I thought, I can remember sitting there thinking, my God, I'll never have fun again. And I'll tell you, it hadn't been fun for a long time. Not for a long time.
And the people in that room spoke loving, unconditional love to me. Nobody asked me where I came from or what I did or if I was alcoholic enough. And I can't tell you a word of what anyone said except for this one man who happened to be from Mesa and at a summer home there and he's a retired school teacher. And he looked at me out of those fierce, shaggy white eyebrows and said, you know, a lot of people have reached out their hand to help you, but if you don't want it for yourself, it ain't gonna work. And I remembered that.
[00:20:01]
But I didn't know how to go 24 hours without a drink. And I remember somebody saying, well, you know, anybody can go 24 hours without a drink. You might as well have asked me to hold my breath for 24 hours. If I could have gone 24 hours without a drink, I'd have never come through that door. No way. I thought that coming to you meant I was branded an alcoholic. And if I was branded an alcoholic, that made me a failure. A failure as a woman, a failure as a mother, a failure as a human being. I thought that by not being able to fix me myself, I was somehow morally flawed. And coming to you meant I was a total failure of life. But I couldn't not drink. The one thing I can tell you is that I got here only through the lash of alcoholism, and I was finally able to listen to what somebody else said to me. You know, we talk about you need to have honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness here. The only thing honest about me was that I got here. I didn't even know how dishonest I was, because I was fooling me most of all. And the willingness and the open-mindedness came only because booze had absolutely beat me into the ground. If there was one more way out there I could figure out how to live life, I'd have done it. This was the last house on the block. And so you said to me, we ask God of our understanding, or whatever higher power you think you can find, even if it's the love in the group, and you ask for the help in the morning to keep you sober for that day. And maybe you'll have to do this once a minute or once an hour, but it'll work. And you say thank you at night. Now I was willing to try that only because I had no choice left. See, I'd tried God, I thought, and God didn't work for me. You know, the foxhole kind of prayer, God get me out of this one, you know. The one thing I had decided about God was, one, there probably was one, and he had one or two things going as far as I was concerned. One, he was too busy running the universe to worry about me. Or, I was on his bad list, and I suspected the second.
And when I would ask for that help, it felt like I was talking to the wall, and it worked anyway. What you have taught me is I have to change my behavior, and my thinking will change. When I came through that door, and when I was willing to follow instructions, things started to change. And God, working through you, walked me through withdrawal, hauled me to meetings, and did all those good things that people do to help the sick, sad alcoholic. And you made me a part of the group, and you explained to me real early on that you don't go and just sit on chairs and Alcoholics Anonymous, that you become a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they had me picking up chairs and emptying ashtrays and washing cups real early. And when I was three weeks dry, one of these old-timers said, I'm picking you up in the morning, and we're going to the hospital to see a guy. And I said, OK. I mean, I was scared of him. And so on the way down there, I finally got up the courage to ask him what he wanted me to do, because this was real scary. I still couldn't hold a full cup of coffee. I'd manage a half, but that's about it. And he said, well, he says, if this guy in the bed asks me how long I've been sober, and I tell him 19 years, first thing that guy is going to think is, he never had my problem. He'll look at you with three weeks dry and still shaking and think there's hope. So I served my purpose, you know. But I was taught by example that this is a program of action. And I got a sponsor because I was told that that's the way we work this program, and that I'm only as sick as my secrets. And I never wanted anybody to know who I was. Because if you let anybody know who you are, you expose that soft underbelly, and they'll hurt you. And see, I had taken that first
[00:25:00]
step when I got here. If there was, as I said before, if there was one more way I could manage out there, I'd have stayed out there. And the second step, well, for one, I didn't like the word insanity. You know, restore me to sanity, that implies I was insane. Now, I was still sick enough when I was new that I knew I was in a lot of pain, but, you know, I wasn't insane. You know, I just had a drinking problem. So in my mind, I just changed the word to sobriety. And I did come to believe that because it was working for me when I didn't. When it felt like I was talking to my wall, one day at a time, through God's grace, I didn't drink. And one day at a time, things started to change on the inside. And it was you walking your talk that taught me that sobriety is not sackcloth and ashes, but it's a joy. And being told, hey, you didn't stop living, you just stopped drinking, now you got a chance to live. And after I'd been around a few weeks and the head cleared a little bit and I'd looked back at what I had done and how I had taken those drinks, I began to understand the nature of that word, insanity. Probably the definition we hear so often is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. And certainly I did that time and time again. The third step was a little bit of a problem for me. You see, I thought the way I read it was you turn your will and your life over to God. And I thought I had to grow wings and a halo in order to do that. I mean, how do you do that? Do you get holy and just, you know, what do you do? And my sponsor said, Lynette, if three frogs are sitting on a log and one frog makes a decision to jump in the water, how many frogs are left? I said, two. And nah, three. He just made a decision. He hasn't jumped in yet. He said, if you'll look at that step, it says we made a decision.
To turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. He said the way we learn how to carry out that decision is to work steps four, five, six, seven, eight, and nine. And the way we keep that decision is to work steps 10, 11, and 12. And he pointed out that right after the third step prayer, and I'm not quoting. For those of you who can do that, I can't. It says basically that the good feeling we have after this is usually short-lived, which is not very long. Unless followed immediately, which is real soon, by a complete and thorough inventory. I have since come to understand or to believe, and of course, you know, opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has at least one. And this is just my own opinion.
But when I look at it today, and I look at the word care of God, I know today that I'm in God's care. And I think about my role as a parent, and I know that when my children are in my care, I'm going to do the best to make sure that they are happy. But it also means I'm going to let them fall on their faces and skin their noses and their knees, and then maybe have a tender tantrum, if they want, and go do their own thing for a little bit. But they're in my care. And I look at that God's care. I turn my will and my life over to the care of God. And I know that even when I'm beating on my high chair with my spoon because of my willpower and my self-will run rampant, that I am in God's care. There's no question in my mind. No question in my mind. I didn't want to do that fourth step, you know. I never wanted to look at the ugly in me. I had already decided the ugly in me was worse than anything. That's just the flip-side ego, you know. If I'm not the best, I'm the worst. And my sponsor said, we inventory what's there. It's not an immoral inventory.
It's a moral inventory. But you see, if I did four, I also had to do five. I never confessed anything to anybody. I'd never confessed anything to anybody. I used to, I can remember thinking about that time, God, I wish I'd been raised Catholic.
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At least I'd have been used to going to confession or something, you know. But I'll tell you, that five really spooked me. But I finally did four, and I was faced with five, and I did four the way the book says, the second time. And I heard there was a priest in Yuma that heard four fifth steps. Well, now, Yuma's a seven and a half hour drive from Pine Top. And I also heard that Catholic priests are supposed to be, what's the word, they aren't supposed to tell anybody anything, you know, supposed to keep confidences.
So you know, I was still real sick, wasn't I? I thought, well, I'll just go to Yuma, and nobody down there, you know, if he's in Yuma, even if he slips up on this talking stuff, he's too far away for me to worry about. Fortunately, I was too poor to drive to Yuma, and so I didn't go to Yuma. And of course, as the days went by, a little bit and a little bit more sanity started to come about because of this program.
And I recognized that I needed to share it right there, and I needed to trust right here in these rooms. And my sponsor said, you share it with one other human being, you don't announce it to the world, you know, God and one other human being. And I did that, except for one thing. I had one thing I was going to carry to the grave because it could bring a lot of pain to another person. It was my action, but it certainly affected, in a great way, another person.
And I had sworn, when that thing happened, that I would never, ever, ever share that. Then we made the mistake of starting a step meeting on the mountain. And we got to the fifth step, and by the time I got out of that step meeting, I was in tears because I knew I had to share that one thing that I said I would never share. And there was a wise old-timer that was at the meeting that night, and I asked if they'd be home the next day, and could I come and share something with them.
And they said yes, and I did. And for those of you who haven't gotten to the fifth step, I can tell you that it's a heck of a lot worse, turning around in the gut and eating me alive all those years, than finally getting it out in the air. And this person didn't condemn me, and didn't judge me. And because of that conversation that we had, and the communication that comes from God through those people in our lives, when the day came that I was to share that with a person whose life it affected, she did not blame me either.
She just looked at me in love, and said how terrible you had to carry that alone all those years. And that's the gift of this program, my friends. It is an absolute gift of this program. And I was also told that I can't fix me. I found those shortcomings, right? Character defects. And if I could fix them, I wouldn't have had to come here. She's pointed out to me that I had to come here, and it was God that gave me sobriety through you.
And if I am going to trust God to take away the thing that was killing me, why can't I trust him with a little thing called a shortcoming, you know? And that I have to be willing to give him up. And that's really what step six is for me. Am I willing to let go of this, you know? Am I really willing to let go of this thing? There's always a payoff in some of those things, you know, some kind of a payoff.
When I pout or when I do certain things to you, there's a payoff for me, a manipulation, whatever. Am I willing to give that up? And that's the willingness in step six. And it was also pointed out to me in the seventh step that it says, humbly ask God. I had a little trouble with that at first because I thought I could just give God my timetable, you know, no humility in that. But that God will take care of those shortcomings as needed, and as I'm willing to do the footwork.
I was always told this is a program of action and I am so glad that my sponsor was not one
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who let me sit and analyze and didn't want to listen to all that junk that I get going on up here in my head and said, you got to take the action. In the eighth step, boy, made a list of all persons we had harmed. I heard somebody earlier today say, made a list of all persons who had harmed us. I loved it. And I was at a meeting, in fact it was the state convention here about nine, ten years ago, and this little gal got up to do chapter five and, you know, there's 1,000, 1,200 people in the room and she's scared to death and she said, made a list of all persons we had blamed.
Isn't that great? All persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I could do that with everybody but one. My ex-husband. Boy, he did a lot of bad things to me. He is a sick dude. When I was about a year sober, I went to a roundup in Springerville and again that wonderful coincidence which I believe is God working anonymously in my life. There was a speaker there, a man who happened to be an Al-Anon, and he shared his story.
And when I listened to his story and listened to the pain and the confusion and the anger and the self-blame and all the things that he went through while his wife was drinking, the healing for me began to start. And I began to see that I could only clean up my side of the street and that my own selfish self-absorption had always been my problem. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of our problems, according to the book.
And I believe that today. I didn't know that, you see. I need you people to show me those things because I can justify anything, anything. And when I began to see how my disease had affected those around me, I became more willing just to clean up my side of the street and not have to point the finger at the kind of pain others brought me because I set myself up for it. And I was finally able to do that, Amand.
And it wasn't accepted, I can tell you that. And it didn't matter that it wasn't accepted. What mattered was that I cleaned up my side of the street, and that freed me from it. And that's what counts. You know, and 10 just tells me to keep doing the same thing I did in 4 through 9. Because, you know, we don't graduate from this program. Dear friend of mine says I'll have it made when they pat me in the face with a shovel.
I believe that's true for me today. And 11, praying only, only for God's will for us and the power to carry that out. I believe we all got sober because there's something for us to do. Most of us die from alcoholism. Those of us who are sitting in this room tonight and in rooms like it all over the world are very blessed. And I think there's tremendous responsibility involved in that. I am here today because there are those of you who were here when I got here and who were here before I got here to reach out your hands to me.
And once I was ready so that I could take it back. And if you hadn't been here for me, I'd be dead. And we in turn have that same responsibility which leads us right into step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message and practice these principles. These principles in all our affairs. We got to walk the walk outside these rooms too and that's a son of a gun sometimes.
It's easy to practice it in here. You know, you think like I think. But it's harder out there. And you know that triangle, that beautiful triangle has three sides. And the part I've talked about is just the first side. We have to get sober first, you know, physical, mental and spiritual disease. And when we work the 12 steps, we get to the point where just maybe, maybe we can reach
[00:40:00]
out the hand to somebody else. Or as I showed you, with three weeks dry, with an old timer, you know, being careful and making sure I didn't do anything, because I didn't know anything, I could even then do something. I went on a 12-step call, you know. Because we have the other two sides that intermingle, really, and that's unity and service. And what is unity? Our 12 traditions. It is only getting involved in the service, in reaching out to others, that I've begun to really understand the traditions through the glue.
That's why we have AA groups. That's why these doors are open. That's why they were open for me. I don't know about you, but if you tell me to turn left, I'm going to say, oh yeah, turn, I'm going to turn right, you know. It's just my nature. But there's something that happens in these rooms. We're all in the same lifeboat, you know. And that first tradition is all about that, that unity is the most important thing.
Personal recovery depends upon AA unity. If I had gotten here and we had four or five different camps and we were all fighting with each other, you think I'd have stayed? I came in here and I found unconditional love. I found people who were very different and it didn't matter. We all have one common bond. We have suffered and we have hurt and we have drunk ourselves to the point of despair. And here, in this magically simple program called Alcoholics Anonymous, no matter what our background, no matter what our education, no matter what our sex, no matter what our race, no matter what our country of origin, it works.
It's working in the Ukraine and it's working in Czechoslovakia and it's working in Venezuela and it's working in Canada and it's working here. And it's because we all share this common bond. And that's our unity. And we have this wonderful thing called group conscience and God works through it. It's not group opinion. We don't have bosses up here. Can you imagine a boss trying to tell all of us what to do?
Anyway, even sober, you know? And we learn while we're doing it, as long as we keep an open mind and a willingness to hear what the other person said. I never did that out there. I'd shout you down, I'd run over the top of you, or I'd sulk and withdraw. You know, are we going to have differing opinions and have a lively discussion about it? I didn't know how to do that. But that's how we find a group conscience.
And that wonderful thing of the third tradition that tells us, you know, we are all welcome if we have a desire to stop drinking. The doors are open to all who suffer from alcoholism. Isn't that great? And then that total, the thing I love about the fourth tradition when it says each group is autonomous, except in matters affecting other groups or A as a whole, it says it's time for me to be a responsible person in my group.
Because if my group, sure we can go off into la-la land if we want to, but is it going to affect A as a whole? Am I being responsible so that newcomer can get here, so that 12-step call can be made, so that those people can go into the jail or into the treatment center or wherever? Somebody needs us? We have a tremendous amount of freedom in that autonomy, but it also carries a tremendous amount of responsibility.
And we have each group but one primary purpose. It's not to hold dances, although they're fun, it's not to hold roundups, although they're fun. It's to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Sometimes that's me, and sometimes that's you. Sometimes it's the person sitting next to you. I found that usually the person who looks most unapproachable is the one that needs the hug the most, you know?
That is our primary purpose and our only purpose in our AA groups. It doesn't mean we can't have fun, because my God, you know, happy, joyous, and free is what this thing is all about. But we have to look at those things, we have to look at those things. Look at those things. And the thing that keeps us from being polarized is that we have no opinion on outside issues.
[00:45:00]
Or, I'm sorry, six is, uh, we're not affiliated with anybody. Isn't that wonderful? You know how, that's what happened to the Washingtonians, you know, they got into all these other things. Pretty soon you're beholden to somebody. We do one thing and we, we only know how to do one thing. We found a way out. We found an answer to our alcoholism and we said eyeball to eyeball and knee to knee with another alcoholic and share about us.
They maybe have a chance. If they want. If they want it. You know, that's what it's all about. It's all we do. Not affiliated with anybody. And, although we don't have any dues or fees, how do we keep the doors open, you know? Our seventh tradition means a lot more than money in the basket. To me, it means giving of ourselves. It means that, you know, if, if my group, if my district, if my inner group, if my area is going to carry the message, then I have to be a part of that.
There are no they's in Alcoholics Anonymous. They will do it. Oh, you know, those people in such and so. There's only we in Alcoholics Anonymous. Just us. Just us. And so that seventh tradition about self-support is, yes, our dollars to turn the lights on, to make sure the literature gets bought, to make sure that the phone bill is paid when somebody like me calls up. It's to pay for the public service announcement, because some alcoholic took, put their gratitude into action and went and knocked on the door of that TV station back in 1973 and as a member of a public information committee and got that PSA on that public service announcement on that television station so I could see it at one o'clock in the morning drunk.
And I could plant the seed of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was your money in the basket and it was somebody contributing their time to answer the phone when this drunk called in the middle of the night. And it was the people in Pinetop who had the doors open and the literature on the table when I finally, finally surrendered. And it's us, folks. There are no they's. It's what it's all about. And I'm not going to go through all of them.
I'd like to just touch briefly on the fact that we have no opinion on outside issues. Isn't that wonderful? I mean, I don't know about you, but I've got a lot of opinions. And I used to love to give them to you. I've tempered that a little. But somehow we know here in Alcoholics Anonymous that we get into outside issues that threatens the very thing that we are. And the only thing that we know, which is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
And it keeps us free of all those things that tear organizations apart. In our anonymity traditions, because I like to look at 11 and 12 together, you know, Dr. Bob said that we break the tradition of anonymity underneath it when we don't let anyone know within our home group who we are, just as much we do over it by going out and talking to the press, that it is very specific where that level is. And if you will notice, I have my full name on my tag tonight.
When I was new, I needed that anonymity. I needed it because I was ashamed, because I thought being alcoholic was bad. I didn't know it was being sick. I didn't understand that it was a disease then. I know it is today. And I know I have that disease and remission one day at a time today. But I want to know who you are and I want you to know who I am. I don't know if you've ever had the experience of going to a hospital to see somebody in this wonderful fellowship and realize when you got to the desk that you didn't know their last name.
Now that was okay in Sholo because there were only 24 beds and I could describe the person and they'd say, Oh yeah, you know, my good friend, but I don't know her last name. But anyway, I tried to, a good friend of mine that I knew from the mountain was down here in the VA hospital in Phoenix and I went to see him and I realized I didn't know Jack's last name. And they weren't willing to go through all the Jacks with my description.
So I couldn't go see Jack because I didn't know who, I didn't know what his last name was. So it's just something to think about.
[00:50:01]
And the Twelfth Tradition is such a beautiful thing. It says, Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Isn't that a humdinger? It means that I'm nobody special. It means that when we do various service jobs in Alcoholics Anonymous and maybe we get a title because that's how we serve, it doesn't mean anything. It's just the job we do.
And we have rotation so nobody starts thinking they're a big deal. And that's really what anonymity is all about. I'm not important in Alcoholics Anonymous, but Alcoholics Anonymous is. You know? It's what it's all about. This ego of mine can inflate in a heartbeat. Don't you know who I am? And the whole program is ego deflation, learning to be one of, that it's not important to be a big deal. And it's a spiritual thing.
I can't feel proud of my time in this fellowship because I didn't do anything to get me sober. I had to take the action. I had to be willing to do that and then take the action. But it has come from a loving God through all of you. My power couldn't do it. When I think I'm somebody, I'm in trouble. And so again, anonymity is the spiritual foundation ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
There's no gurus in this program, you know. I think I hear people sometimes get all excited over a speaker. Listen to the message because God gave some of us a gift of being able to share in an intimate way so that most people understand. And please listen to the message, but don't idolize the messenger. Some of us are very, very good at 12-stepping. Some of us are very, very good at working with newcomers.
Some of us are very, very good at organizing events. You know, we all have different talents. I had a wonderful guy at the door greeting me tonight. I thought, God, Scott has the greatest job. He can come greet everybody coming through the door in that need, you know. But when you get a speaker you like, certainly love the message, but don't idolize the messenger. Because like any of us, we're just humans walking this journey.
And sobriety is a journey. And the traditions are our unity. They are our glue. And the concepts, and it took me a long time to even begin to know what they were, is part of the service legacy. It's how all this stuff fits together when we get these service jobs so that there is a thing called a public service announcement and there is a big book in large print and there is something in Braille and there is something in Spanish and there is a new book out called Inmate to Inmate to take into the prisons to share with those in there that there is hope there and that they can get sober there.
And some of these other things we have, because we're getting more and more people who are not literate. And we need sometimes the one we always need, the one-on-one eyeball-to-eyeball, because I didn't get sober on literature, I got sober because you were willing to share who you were with me. But the literature is an important key as well. But we also have many, many people today who are functionally illiterate and sometimes we have to have other things to help them.
And that's really what this service stuff is all about and the concepts give us a way to put all that together so that all these strong personalities that we all are are not up here nose-to-nose and toes-to-toes to the point of disintegration. Because it's only when we have all three sides together, recovery, unity and service, do we complete the circle. I was told early on that you can't keep it unless you give it away, and that's what this whole deal is all about.
[00:55:01]
And that's really all service is, just real simple. The best, of course, is the grassroots, talking to another alcoholic knee-to-knee and heart-to-heart. But we've got to make sure that man or woman knows how to get here. And I know that my story tells me that there's a lot of other ways that gets people in touch. We have our cooperation with professional community committee because a lot of those professionals deal with practicing alcoholics.
And if they know what we are and what we are not, just maybe they can steer them our way and just maybe that person won't have to die. Because that's really what this deal is all about. I can remember when I was not sober very long up there on the mountain, each little town had one meeting a week. We didn't have the luxury of going to meetings everywhere and every hour of the day and night and all that stuff.
So Pine Top was Tuesday and Cholo was Friday, and if you could scrape together the dollars and maybe get a bunch of people together, you could drive over to Snowflake on Sunday. And if it wasn't too much ice in the road, you could get over to Springerville occasionally. But we had a lot of mini-meetings. I used to laugh about we had meetings over the lettuce at Safeway. And you always knew at the coffee shop at certain times of the day that there would be some AAs in there.
But we were so anonymous up there that shortly after I got sober, the paper quit doing that free newspaper thing for the churches, and so that wasn't in the paper and we were so anonymous even the cops didn't know where we were. And I'll tell you, folks, I had this haunting thing about what if there's somebody out there like I was? What if there's somebody out there so sick and so desperate, desperately wanting an answer, and they don't know we're here and they die?
They never heard that maybe, just maybe, maybe Alcoholics Anonymous might help them. And that just scared me to death. I didn't want someone to die because they didn't know we were here. And so we were able to get a, it was our first kind of, we didn't know it then, but it was the first thing of putting together a district. All the groups got together and I was able to do the footwork and we got an answering service and got a hotline going.
And we were able to get a lot of 12-stepping started and we did a lot of it the old-fashioned way. We had people in our houses and people shook it out and that's just the way we did it because that's the only way there was. And it worked for those who wanted it. And then there are those who, for whatever reason, choose to go back out. And then hopefully, hopefully some like me will come back someday, will live long enough to come back someday, you know, because the seed was planted.
And that's really what this deal is all about. I want Alcoholics Anonymous not just to be around if my children or my grandchildren need it, but I want it to be here for me as well. I want it to change and become something it's not. We have a lot of pressure today because we get so many people new in Alcoholics Anonymous and maybe some of them don't get sponsors and they come with whatever ideas they get from wherever they came from and it's the responsibility of each and every one of us what today's message is with these newcomers because it may be different than what they learned where they sobered up.
And it's our responsibility not to put them down, not to get angry, but to do what was done with me, knee to knee and heart to heart and eye to eye. Somebody said this is Alcoholics Anonymous and this is how we do it. And come I will show you and you can do it with me. Because you never said you go do that. You said come and go with me and we will walk the walk together. I've walked the walk for a few 24 hours now.
I'm deeply grateful for all of you. I am deeply grateful for all I have today. I have experienced things in life I never dreamed possible, only because of this fellowship.
[01:00:00]
As I'm sure you've heard many times, if I'd have planned my own life, I'd have sold myself real short. You know that hole in the gut that alcohol used to fill, and it used to take off the sharp corners and the rough edges, and today that's what AA has done. Because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can step out easy today, and there's no hole in my middle, and there's no need to have to use something else to fill me up.
I thank you all for your attention, and thank you to the committee for having me. God bless you.