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Source: DICOBE-00653 – Debbie D – 8TH WICHITA KANSAS SPRING RNDP – 1983-04-08.mp3 File: dicobe-00653-debbie-d-8th-wichita-kansas-spring-rndp-1983-04-08.mp3 Duration: 00:57:14
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Hi, everybody. I am Deb and I'm an alcoholic. It is really, really good to be here and I want to thank the committee for inviting me. I always love to be able to have the opportunity to share. I mean, my insides are like butterflies have been let loose in there, but it's the fact that I am still in this program because people have shared with me all this time and this gives me a feeling that I can kind of give back.
Thank you too, Linda, because that was a lovely lunch. I usually don't have lunch on Skid Row every day, but it's a nice treat. It's different. I have enjoyed my stay here and the hospitality has been truly southern, if I may say so. That was one of the things that attracted me to Atlanta was because it really does have a lot of charm and it's very southern and they talk a lot about that southern hospitality of Rhett and Scarlett and, of course, I just love that whole era right there.
So I've been in Atlanta three years and I'll be there a little while longer, but you're all welcome to come on over to Atlanta anytime. As she asked, are you going to tell your story? And I said, well, I'm going to give it a try. That's what we're supposed to do and that exactly is what I'm going to try and do. I'm not here to shock anybody or impress anybody because, as a friend of mine kind of describes, I was a garden variety drunk.
I mean, I didn't rob banks. I didn't murder anybody. I didn't have multiple car wrecks. I wasn't in jail 500 times. I didn't lose 16 families. I'm not wanted by any states. I just had a pretty basic, maybe even boring drinking career, but that doesn't qualify. I have the qualifications to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and that's what I want to try and share with you today is who I am, what my qualifications are, how I got here, and what I'm trying to do today.
I think that my life mainly has been made up of turning points, some more major than others, some more significant than others, and one gets me really turned around on another track. And that's kind of what I want to try and share today are some of those turning points that really were significant in how I got here today. 1970 is really the first major turning point. It started that year. We were living in a town called Huron, South Dakota, and we had already lived in two other towns, Dell Rapids and Sioux Falls, and we're living in Huron.
I'm an only child. My mother and father are, you know, I guess you call them teetotalers and hardly ever drank, and we didn't have any alcoholics or drunks or anybody like that in our family, and it was just sort of normal to me. And all of a sudden, one day, kind of out of the clear blue, problems crept up and they decided to separate. And this was in the beginning of 70, which at that time I was 12 years old.
And in April of that year, I had my first drunk. Now, I approached this particular night. I can remember everybody, everything, every detail of this particular night. It was just significant in my life because, and I didn't know it, but it was going to be my drinking career pattern for the rest of the time I drank. It wasn't going to change, and, of course, I didn't have any idea. Now, I had planned this particular Friday night for a good week or two.
I had heard my peers talking about drinking and getting drunk and, God, that sounded like a really fun thing to do. And during the separation period my parents were going through, I just needed some acceptance and reassurance, and I needed to be in with that neat crowd at school. And so I had planned that I was going to get drunk. I'd never been drunk. I didn't know what it was like. But that's what I was going to do this particular night.
And I went over to this party, and we started, or I started at 6 o'clock. And it didn't make a difference whether it was beer or liquor or mixed or straight or bottle or glass. You know, mine or yours, yours was better, of course. It just had that good flavor to it if it was yours. And I just started drinking. And if it was in transit, it stopped by me first and then continued on. If it was sitting around, I would drink it.
And I just did not think about anything. I just, it was there to be consumed, and I consumed it.
[00:05:00]
And it basically was Everclear and Coke and a little schnapps thrown in there and a little beer thrown in there, and somebody brought in some vodka. And that was, and I just thought this was wonderful. I mean, this is really, you know, this is great. And by 9 o'clock, I had already blacked out, passed out, came to and wanted to go back to the party. Now I knew I had a good time. I must have been because I knew I had gotten drunk, and God, it just must have seemed like I had a wonderful time.
But I didn't know. I really didn't know what I did. And I didn't really care. But see, what it did to me, it didn't do to the other kids in that room that night. And I knew it. It did something for me, but see, I thought it was probably doing this to them, but as I look back, I know it didn't. It did something to me. It let me go. I mean, I was just running wild, and I felt good, and it was, whatever bondage I felt was gone.
And that is what I continued to feel and continued to believe that I felt for the next six years. Later on that year, my parents did divorce, and then my father remarried. And so I acquired a stepsister, two stepbrothers, and a stepmother. Now this unity, unified group of people, and I can put on some of them just a couple of words. It was not the Brady Bunch. We did not get along like they did on TV, joining these two families together.
My stepmother and I started war from day one, and it never quit. It never quit. And it was very difficult for everyone. First of all, they had a budding alcoholic on their hands. Nobody had ever lived with one, didn't know what one was, including, you know, nobody did. Nobody knew. I think they probably thought it was a passing fancy that I'm getting drunk with my friends and stuff. But they never really knew what it did to me until later on.
And so we just kind of all fought together and didn't really know where else to go. And at that time, when we started this new unified group of people, I realized that I don't like this, and I don't like what's going on. I made a decision at that time that I don't need you, and I don't want to need you, but I'm too dumb to know how to support myself financially, so I'm going to stay. But I'm not going to contribute.
I don't want to be a part of this family because I don't like it, and it makes me uncomfortable. And so the only way I know how to relieve that is to drink. That seems to make me feel good, and I don't think about these problems, and I don't think about the hassles here. And so for the next few years, my drinking was basically weekends, going from the beers into a little bit of harder stuff and so on.
The wonderful world of drugs came into my life, and it basically became a 50-50 thing. And, of course, every weekend, boy, I just couldn't wait. I lived from Friday to Friday. The Saturday through the next Friday was just dead time, in my opinion. And I just, you know, I lived from that one to this one, and it was not a very fun existence, but that was the only thing that I looked forward to. And so a little later on, we moved up to this little town of Grafton, and this is where my alcoholism really kicked in.
My drinking went from weekends to three to four to five days a week to the point where the last year was daily drinking and drug abuse. It didn't make a difference, really, what kind of pills there were. As long as it was available and as long as they were given to me or I stole them from me, I took them. To me, I did not get into needles because I felt that if I can't snort it, smoke it, or eat it, I'll just, you know, and get where I want to go, I'll just double up on twice the dosage, and that was the way I was going to do it.
I'm sure eventually, had I had the opportunity, I would have gone into that route too, but I'm very, very grateful that that was not necessary for me. But the drinking, you see, the key was is I knew I would black out. That was the way it started, and that was the way it was going to be. And I figured everybody blacked out, but, of course, I realized and was told, not everybody does. So I had my own experience.
I mean, I did not have somebody in my family to follow who had a drinking problem. These things just came natural. This abuse of drinking came natural to me.
[00:10:00]
And what would happen is I knew I would black out. I just knew it. And the drugs would help me delay this inevitable blackout that I knew would be around. But my choice really was the drinking. And so we moved up to this little town in North Dakota, and it was just a drunk's haven. It really was, because I kid you not, really, the majority of people there, maybe they weren't alcoholics, but they sure were heavy drinkers.
And when you get up there, there isn't much else to do but drink. And so, God, it was just, I had it made in the shade. Those winters never bothered me at all. I mean, I always had that little insulation going for me. So I never had trouble up there with the outside, but I sure did on the inside. I think, though my drinking only lasted six years, when I got here, you know, I heard a lot of things, and I would have to go to these speaker meetings and stuff like that, and, God, I didn't want to go.
I mean, I didn't belong there. And, you know, when I was introduced to alcoholics, and I was only 17 years old, and, good God, I was way too young for that stuff. And I would come in, and I would hear people who had lost families and been in jail multiple times and all the things that they had tried and this kind of thing. Well, I never tried any of those things because quitting drinking never occurred to me.
It just never occurred to me that I may want to stop drinking or slow down or cut down or change to wine or change to beer. Those just thoughts never kind of entered my mind. Because, you see, at 17, I had come to the conclusion in the resolution that I probably wouldn't see 30 years of age, and I was going to go out with a bang. I was going to have a good time on the way out. And that, to me, was drinking as much as I could.
Now, a few months ago, my dad came down to Atlanta to see me, and we were talking about how did you find out, you know, about this disease of alcoholism and treatment for it. And he said, you know, he had to do something because he did not think I would live to see 20. And I thought about that, and either he was overprotective or I was overlenient or whatever, but I guess in short terms it means that I wasn't going to be around for a long, long time.
So it was serious. When I started drinking, God got together with whoever and said, we're going to get right down to business with this girl, and we did. I mean, we started drinking, and we meant business. And I know a lot of our old-timers come up to me and remind me how grateful I really am, and you bet I am, because I wouldn't have lasted out there all those years. I couldn't have been out there another 5, 10, 15 years.
Because, see, I didn't spill much, and I didn't puke much up again, and I just kept right on going. It was persistent, and I drank as much as I could, whenever I could and however I could. And I didn't waste much time out there on having a couple now and then. I just got right down to the drunk. To me, having a couple of drinks was worthless. I would rather go without than be teased with a couple of drinks.
That's how it was to me. It was kind of teasing, and it wasn't fun. That, to me, was kind of worthless. So at 17, my alcoholism kind of got summed up that year because that was the year where my drinking was every day, where I was introduced to the jails, where I did have a lot of trouble. I guess maybe I was kind of lucky because I didn't have too much trouble with the law as far as tickets and that goes.
And the only reason was because I knew all the cops in town. I worked for three lawyers that last year, and one of them was the city judge. And it was kind of like from 1 to 5, I was on this side of the law, and from 5 on, this side of the law. And it was a wonderful situation for a drinking drunk as I was because they would just stop me and take the booze out of my car and all the other crap, and then send me on my way.
Usually send me home or make sure I got home. And so I'm very fortunate that I don't have anything on a permanent deal on my record, but it wasn't because I didn't deserve it. It wasn't because I didn't deserve it. It just happened to be the way my circumstances were. But my attitude over the years has changed. But my attitude over the years had gradually changed.
[00:15:02]
And, see, I was a kind of a person where I… You didn't want to be around me when I was sober. Because, you see, that's when… That's when the doctor… Or, I mean, the Mr. Hyde came out in me. Where the evil thoughts and the… How am I going to kill my stepmother? And how am I going to get rid of, you know, this situation? That's when the rage and the anger and the evil thoughts would come out.
When I was drinking, God, I was Dr. Jekyll. I mean, I was a nice gal. And it was… I was fun to be around. Lots of laughing going on. And the world could cave in and it was fine with me. You know, that's quite all right. That's when you wanted to be around me. In my situation that last year, I knew… I knew, and really I kind of… I think I kind of always knew that once I started drinking… Once I took that first drink, I had no control.
I had absolutely no control of where I was going to end up, how, with whom, where. I just… I knew that. And I was, again, fortunate where I was placed because I knew everybody in this little town. And I knew somebody would take pity on me and make sure I got back to my house or their house or I wouldn't be left in a snowbank somewhere. I knew I'd be taken care of. And so that, you know, I'm grateful for that because I could, you know, if I'd have been in a larger city, I could have been in trouble.
But my situation was that. And so I always knew. But you see, I knew once I started drinking, hard telling where I'd be. Hard telling. I made a lot of promises too. When I would wake up with hangovers so bad I couldn't quit vomiting because I was so sick and so messed up, I'd wake up with these unknown bruises and twisted ankles and twisted wrists and physically kind of beat up. And God knows where they came from.
You know, I heard a speaker once say that the most heartwarming experience is when an alcoholic is reunited with their car. And God, it really is. Oh, it's there. You know, it's such a relief. And that was the first thing I looked for in the morning because that would usually describe what kind of condition I got home in. And boy, that really made me feel good. Then I could go on with the day. And so this was the way mine was that last year.
Now, I was a senior in high school and I was just hell on wheels. Boy, I just really liked to party and drink and stay out till 5 and get up at 7 and rip and tear again. And that's the way I liked living that year. And they'd try and curtail my activities and, boy, I'd be a good girl for a couple of weeks. And I would just do everything to try and obey their rules, drink within the limitations that I had been set, and then I'd just say to heck with it all and take off on vacation.
I called it vacation. They called it running away. I'd go on vacation for 2, 3, 4, 5 days, whatever. They'd find me, drag me back up there, and away we'd go again on all these rules. I know they tried. They meant well. They did the best they could with what they had. And none of it was knowledge on the disease of alcoholism. That was not their fault. I do not blame them because God knows we'd never had that experience before.
So, finally, it was the third time I was expelled from school, which was about 7 weeks or so before graduation. And I felt kind of bad about it, but it was like, ah, well, no big deal. And I just didn't seem worried about it at the time. And so it was my choice whether to stay there or move, and, of course, I didn't even give the first a thought. And away I was that weekend to Grand Forks. The main reason I moved to Grand Forks, and I knew it at the time, but I didn't realize really what it was telling me, but I went there because it was only a 15-minute drive from where I was living into Minnesota, which at that time was 18, and I'd been getting in the bars since I was 15.
So it was a shorter drive, and it was easier access to get to that booze. Plus, I could drink all I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted, and nobody was on my back. Primary reason. That was the reason I went, because now I can drink in peace. Thank God for that. Well, I moved there, and, of course, it was just, I mean, it's quite predictable what happened. I mean, I had a job, I guess you could say, and I got a little money in.
[00:20:01]
But, you know, I worked two little part-time jobs in this other town, and I never had any money because it all went for booze and drugs and put gas in that car to run. And that was the main reason I had money. And my dad, bless his heart, he would always try and pull me aside and say, Well, have you got any problems? Are you okay? Do you want to talk about anything? Nope, nope. Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
And because, you see, I'd learned a long time ago, before I even gave the hint that I have a problem, boy, he would be off and running on his lectures. And I had just, Nope, it's great, just wonderful. And like we've all said before me, and I was dying on the inside, I didn't know what was going on, and the only way I knew how to take care of that was drinking. Because it got me out of this world, and, boy, I didn't want to be here.
And this was the only relief I knew. That's all I knew. So I had been in Grand Forks, I suppose, about six weeks, and I was broke, and I needed money, and so I decided to humble myself and go back to Grafton and beg for some money. And my dad had always been a very good enabler to me. Sure, okay, now, but you've got to do this. You know, we always made these deals. He kept his end. I never kept my end.
And so I went back, and I went back in kind of unusual circumstances. A friend, of course, of mine had shot the window out of my car, a drinking friend, of course, you know, and one of those lifeline buddies, you know, we've all had those. So I go back, and it's pouring rain, and I get there, and I'm so broke I hardly have any gas in the car, and I decided I was going to meet him on the highway because that way I wouldn't have to see my stepmother.
I could just, you know, get with him and get the money and run and go party and do what I wanted to do. Well, I ran out of gas right on the highway right where I was going to meet him, and he pulls up, and she's in the car with him. And this is not going according to plan by any means. And so I said, well, I need some money, and he says, well, I don't have any. So I realize now somebody got to him, somebody got to him, because he'd always had money.
I mean, what do you mean you don't have any money? And he says, well, why don't you just come on over to the house, and I'll give you some money over there. And I thought, well, I imagine that would be okay because I really do need it, and, you know, I've borrowed from everybody and everything, and I need to get on with the business of drinking here. So I went over there, and I walked into a trap. I mean, most drunks can smell it.
I mean, they walk in, and you can just smell it because the bars had gone on the doors and windows, and I felt trapped, and I knew it. And I knew something was coming down, and the real clincher, of course, the real reason I knew was because my stepmother was being real nice to me. And that was a dead giveaway every time. And sure enough, and my dad comes out, and he says, I want you to promise me something.
Well, I had learned a long time ago I don't do that kind of stuff, and I said no, and we went around with that a minute or two, and he said, well, then I want you to voluntarily do something. And I said, what's that? And he said, well, I want you to go to treatment. And I said, what for? I mean, what for? Well, we think you have a drinking problem. And, of course, the big day of denial started raising its head, and I said, I don't have a drinking problem.
I mean, you're not even of legal age yet, and you're telling me I have a drinking problem. No way, I'm too young, and I don't, and it's just, you know, I just have one too many beers once in a while, and, you know, I don't have a problem. Because, you see, to me, I didn't. I can only recall two times when I came out of a blackout or feeling so bad from a hangover that I thought, well, you know, I probably wouldn't have done that had it not have been some messed up, and I really was tired, and it must have been some bad drugs or something.
And, you know, that was the way I rationalized it, and that was only two times that I can remember even giving the fact that I might not should have drank so much the night before ever thought. Because it was the only thing that got me out of the situations I didn't like being in, and I didn't want to let it go.
[00:25:01]
I didn't know any alternatives. And so I told him I wasn't going, and, you know, there's just no reason for me to go, and he says, well, Deb, you either voluntarily go tonight or you're committed on Monday. And that isn't much of a choice, let me tell you. That isn't much of a choice. And, see, Fridays had that special glitter about them, and boy, this was a Friday night, and he was wrecking it. And I begged him, and I said, please, this is exactly how I felt, please give me one more weekend of freedom.
Because, you see, when you're sitting there, and you want to drink really bad, and you're 17 years old, and they're telling me that you're going to go somewhere to learn how not to drink, and it's forever. Well, from 17 to forever is a very long time. That's a long road to hoe. And I just could not conceive it. I just, I knew they'd be boring. I knew it'd be an awful life, a life of misery. I'd rather be a nun.
I mean, this, you know, why torment me and punish me this way? And so, so, so that was, that was my alternative. And then my stepmother said, no, you're going tonight. And, boy, I didn't like that at all, and I just let him have it. And I gave them a lot of words I didn't mean because I wanted to be hurtful, and I wanted them to hurt as bad as me because, and I wanted them to pay for what they were doing to me.
Well, the next thing I know is there's a knock at the door, and as I said, I knew all the local policemen, and here was one at the door. And I said, well, would you tell me what is going on? He said, Deb, I don't know. Just, just come on down to the station, and we'll get this all talked over. So I go down there, and they said, do you want to make a phone call? Boy, this big time. And the light came on, you know, the hope.
And my last resort was those lawyers I had worked for. Boy, they'd gotten me out of jams before, and they'd always been on my side before. They can get me out of this if anybody can. Well, the senior member of the firm came down, and he was the last one I expected. You see, Mr. Burke was a very proper man, and he was just a little bitty guy and snow-white hair, always a white collar, never a hair out of place.
I never saw him smile. But, you know, he was the one who came to see me. Now, they've had girls working for him for 25 years out of that school. Why did he come down and see me? I don't know, but I saw something in him that I had been unable to see for a long time, and that was just human compassion for a fellow human being. And he certainly had no reason except that he just had a bunch of love in him.
And he came down to see me, no reward in mind, no compensation of anything. He knew what the situation was a long time ago. And he said, Deb, I think this is really good, and I think you ought to go and try and get some help, because we've seen you the last year. We know your problem. But he says, the best lawyer in the world couldn't get you out of this because you're a minor and the papers are signed.
And that kind of, that I just threw in the last towel for a while because I knew that that was it. And I told the judge, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting. Everybody thinks I have a problem, and I'll just do this little thing for you all, and then we'll be done with it. And off I went to the hospital. And, of course, I just knew it was bad business. I just knew there was going to be these old men laying around the hallways puking and stinking and all sorts of stuff.
No women, all old men. That's all that were these winos, because I'd never heard of alcoholic. I'd heard of drunks, and I'd heard of winos, and I'd seen pictures of those old guys laying in the curbs. And I wasn't one of them. And not on the outside, but I sure was on the inside. But not on the outside. And I'm too young. I sang that song for a long time. Nobody listened, but I still tried to sing it.
And the next, you know, we're in this hospital, and, of course, it's clean and it's sanitary, and there's women in there. Well, there was women in there when I got there. And, you know, I got there, it was on Friday night, and nobody was there except me and the staff. And they're asking all those questions that they asked. You know, how much did you drink? Well, good God, who cared? I mean, I never kept track.
I didn't think it was important. As long as it was available and, you know, As long as it was available, and, you know, there I drank it. I didn't think it'd be necessary to keep tabs on it.
[00:30:01]
And, um, I said, where is everybody? You know, I expected people to be there. And they said, well, they're at an AA meeting. And, of course, the only time I've ever heard two A's in the same word's been AAA, and I thought that's what they said. And I thought, well, that's how my dad found out about it. We've been members for years, you know. He must have got a deal on this thing. And, uh, of course, I found out that they were at this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous.
I could barely say it, let alone understand what it meant. And, uh, they all came back. And, and the, uh, you know, I started hearing some things, and, uh, over this time that I was in the hospital. But there's, there's one thing that I do want to share, because this was probably the first eye-opener I really had as to, to maybe things to come. Maybe the, the first bit of hope I had that there was a different way to live.
And this was in, in the, as many of you are familiar with the hospital, they have these little group therapy sessions. And little sessions, and usually they try and get everybody to participate. Well, this was a Saturday morning, and they gave each of us a piece of paper. And on one half we were to write, I am in ten things, and on the other half, I like in ten things. And, of course, I thought it was kind of a test or something, and I didn't really know what I should write down.
And I haven't been off the streets more than 24 hours. So I was honest with them. I was as honest as I could be with them. So we all wrote it up on the blackboard, and the counselor would all make a comment. And everybody else's was pretty much the same. You know, they were a loner, and they would drink at home, and they'd pull all the shades down. And I, they'd lost families. And, of course, I didn't identify, I didn't want to identify with any of that stuff.
And so I put mine up there, and mine was a little bit different from the rest. I told them that, you know, I loved cats, and mainly my thing was I loved to party, but that I was a Hitler fan, and I was into voodoo. I mean, I was desperate. You know, the voodoo was for a stepmother, you know, bless her heart. And he just sort of looked at mine, and he didn't make the comments that he did to the other people.
And he said to me, what kind of a world do you live in? Is it real, or is it fantasy? And you know what? For the first time in my life, I realized that I could only live in a fantasy world. That's the only thing I was able to live in before. Because, you see, to me, that real world was my stepmother. And, baby, if that's it, you can have it. You're right, I can't live in it. That's why so many times I tried to physically harm myself in the earlier years, because I wanted to get out of that house, which I hated to be in so bad.
That is the reason why drink, to me, answered relief. That's where I got relief. That's where these little footballs that had grown into enormous watermelons would dissipate and go away. That was the only time. And I was willing at that time to pay the consequences of those brutal hangovers in the morning, of the broken-up body parts. It was worth it to me at that time, because that was my only alternative.
I did not know I had a choice. What they told me there was I did have a choice. So in this four-week program, I stayed seven weeks. Now, it wasn't because I was sicker than others. It was because they wanted to make sure that I was all right when I left and that I wouldn't go right to the bar, because they knew me better than I did. And they decided that it would really be great for me to go to an all-women's halfway house.
That didn't excite me really very much. If it would have been at least co-ed or all-men, I'd have been glad to go. But all-women was not part of the plan. I got there, and I'm in a new city. I don't know a soul. God, it's a monstrous place. You go from a town of 5,000 to one of 800,000, and there's a big difference. And I get there, and I got bags in hand, and I'm standing in the doorway, and there's women going by with curlers in their hairs, hugging and kissing.
And I thought, my God, they want me to be a lesbian. I was just petrified. First you want me to quit drinking, now you want me to change sex. No, I'm afraid this has gone too far. And I was ready to turn around. I was terrified, let me tell you. Now, if I say anything that offends anybody, I want you to know that this is my own opinion and my own experience.
[00:35:01]
And it does not reflect this conference or my group or anybody else, but it's just my own experiences. And with this halfway house, I only stayed dry, just dry. I didn't change very much at all. I didn't want to change. I went to one meeting a month, and that was a pretty big deal. And the only reason I went was because I had to get a piece of paper signed for this halfway house. I wasn't real interested in being an alcoholic.
I didn't want to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. To me, that was rather an insult, and I think it's wonderful that you can, but that's not the way it is for me. I really don't have that much of a problem. And I think the bottom line was I was afraid I wouldn't be able to become a member, that I might be rejected. And God, if I even had the thought I might be rejected, I didn't even get into it.
And so for about seven months, all I did was just kind of go through the physical motions of it, go to my one meeting a month, and I went out to California for two and a half weeks. And the first week I was out there, I was absolutely miserable because the only thing I had on my mind was drinking. And the last week and a half, I was even more miserable because I was drinking out there. And if AA does anything, it will ruin your drinking.
I can assure you that because you see what happened when I started drinking out there was I had been told now I had a choice. And for those seven months, I had acquired a conscience which I had not had before. And I now knew the difference that it was my choice to drink and not drink. So while I'm out there thinking they're all 2,000 miles away and nobody out here knows I'm not supposed to drink, I'm going to go ahead and drink.
And when I did, I'd be trying to make it like it used to be, just like those good old days that were in my mind. But they weren't. Because I'd be laughing and trying to have a good time and try to forget all the AA slogans that were coming into my mind, like it's the first drink and, you know, let go and let God and we're powerless over alcohol. And God, that does not lend to having a good time drinking.
It will ruin your drinking. And so then when I would be relatively sober and have most of the alcohol out of my system, I couldn't stand being around me and these thoughts and the way I would feel. And I just, you know, I'd go back and drink. And so I did that for a week and a half. And when I came back, I thought, boy, this is it. I have learned my lesson. I have learned my lesson. I felt pretty serious about it.
And so I went to one meeting a week. I stepped them up from one a month to one a week. And I, to me, that was progress. But I didn't do much. I didn't talk to many people. I didn't want to talk to many people. I didn't want to commit to this thing. And I really didn't know what to do. I knew I wasn't in this program. I had taken the first five steps in a hospital because I had to to get out. I did not know nor did I see 6 through 12.
I'm sure they told me about them and all this kind of stuff. But you see, I'm not good at common sense. I'm just not good at common sense. And so I didn't do anything. I know they told me to read the big book. I'm sure they did, but I just never heard it. I'm just, you know, like was said earlier, you know, if you ever want to hide something, put it in the big book. And, God, I was that kind of a person.
You could put the kitchen sink in there and I'd have never noticed it. And that's the way I was. I just didn't want to be a part of this deal. And I didn't want to go to these old meetings and all this kind of stuff. You know, they used to drag us around to these meetings. And I'd sit in the back row, of course, because that's where all the not want to be there people go, back row. And I'd listen to these old farts up there talk and just, you know, I'd say, oh, God, you know.
I'd hear this rock and roll band out here and I'd be jiving with them and stuff. And I'd just, I'd think, I can't identify with you. I don't want to identify with you was what it really was. That's what it really was. I don't want to be like you. I may never have gone on the wagon. It was only because I had never heard of a wagon to go on. It just never, you know, I didn't know about those things. But you see, the feelings, those feelings of resentment, self-loathing, total disgust, shame.
I can say those to an alcoholic and I don't have to even try to describe the depth. And you understand exactly what I mean because you've been there.
[00:40:00]
Those were all the things that I finally realized that I'm to identify with. Not so much the outside circumstances because for everybody they were different places and different things. But mainly the events and the trail of alcoholism is the same. And what went on on the inside I could identify with a lot. Well, after five weeks after this last deal, I thought I'd had it. I got my deal going here now and I'm in the program, so I thought.
And I got a letter in the mail from one of these old cronies in California and it had a lump in the bottom of it. And that one lump was one lousy joint. And I honest to God did not know what to do with it and so I decided I would keep it. Just, you know, just in case I had kind of a bad day, you know, and wanted to kind of take the edge off or relax a little bit. I'd always hated pot but I just decided this would probably be a good thing.
And the very next day was a warm, sunny afternoon in Minnesota. And I decided to make it just like the good old days. Still living in a fantasy world, still dreaming, still thinking it could be like I tried to remember it to be. Like Ted was saying, you know, the bad stuff, the farther away I got from it, the bad stuff kind of went away and just as if it never happened. And fun times started coming in clearer and clearer.
And that's what I always tried to remember was those good times which were becoming fewer and farther between, of course, in the end there. And that one joint for me did for me what nobody and nothing else could. Because it got me off the ground enough to where I was no longer 100% control. But not enough to kill the thoughts and the pain and the remorse and the degradation and the self-disgust and the self-shame that I felt on the inside.
Totally useless, totally worthless. And it was at that time and at that time only that God and I got together on this program and said, I have had it. I have had enough. And that change that every one of us goes through happened to me. I knew I was different on the inside. I knew I'd had enough. You see, the first go around that I stayed sober was for dad. It was for my dad. He had gone through more misery than any man had ever deserved.
He did not deserve that, but he got it. The second time, that was five weeks for the halfway house. To be good. To be good. To show him. But this time, I knew it was different and it was for me. That's what made the difference. And that next day was Sunday, February the 8th, 1976. And I'm very grateful that I have not found it necessary nor have I taken a drink or any drugs since that time. Because things were different.
It really was different. Because what happened, I got involved. I left the halfway house after a nine-month stay. I got out on my own. I started going to meetings regularly. See, when I went to California, not one person in that halfway house thought I'd stay sober. And they were right, though I didn't know they had all these bets going on. The last time I left, the odds were a little better. It was only 50-50 that they thought I would stay sober and the other 50 thought I would drink again.
But so far, God willing, today I haven't. In those years, I have had many, many, many teachers. Many wonderful teachers. You see, when I was, those first ten months, I always was around my peers. And when I came back for this last go-around, it was the old-timers that I went to. And to me at that time, an old-timer was anybody who had been sober longer than I'd been alive. And at 18, there are a whole bunch of those guys out there, let me tell you.
There's a lot of those guys out there. And I tell you what, had it not have been for those old-timers, now I called them old farts before because that was the way my attitude was and I really didn't have any use for you. If you hadn't have been around with your patience and your wisdom and your kindness and your love, I wouldn't have been around either. You made it possible for Alcoholics Anonymous to be here when I needed it seven years ago.
That was your responsibility. You were there. And had you not have been there, I wouldn't be here. I've had, I have been blessed with many, many wonderful people in my life and they've all of course come in when I've needed them most.
[00:45:04]
And if you're young and you're kind of new in this program, get an old timer in your life. Get one because you're missing out. And also if you're an old timer, get a young one in your life, you're missing out too, I can assure you. There really isn't any age barrier unless I create it. Because when we talk about feelings and we talk about basics and we talk about bottom line staying sober, unless I don't want to understand, that's my problem.
But I can talk to anybody about anything in Alcoholics Anonymous and we understand each other regardless of age. And I went to these old timers and I asked them what most of us do, how do I stay sober, what do I got to do? And you see this was the first time I was willing to go to any lengths. I had not been willing before. And I was this time and I knew it. So about six months into my sobriety, I went to a convention such as this.
And it was called the Gopher State Roundup and I know many of you have been up there up in Minneapolis to that convention. To me it just will always hold a very special place in my heart. And I went to this convention six months sober and I went for the first time to hear the speakers. Not just for the fellowship and everything because I can't live on fellowship. I'm sorry but I just can't. I love it and it's necessary but I need the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay sober on a happy, comfortable basis.
And so this time I went to hear the messages. That was number one priority for this particular weekend. And on Saturday night, I heard a guy named Eddie. And he had about, I suppose, 27, 28 years sobriety at that time. Of course, good God that was forever, you know, at 18 that was a long time. But what impressed me was that he cried in front of 5,000 people. I was totally overwhelmed. What I saw was something I wanted.
A power within. A power that I saw as God emanating from him. He talked from the heart. That's why I was crying. He talked from the heart. And I just, you know, it just did to me. That was a turning point to me and it was, I had the pleasure of getting to know him over the next few years and spend a lot of time with him. And I was about a year and a half or two years later, whatever, I don't exactly recall.
I went to, I was going to meet him out in California at a convention. And this was, the convention was end of May and this was in April and mid-April that year one of my old timers in Minneapolis had died. We knew he was dying of cancer and so we were sort of prepared, as prepared as you can be. And he truly was a loss to our group. But two weeks later, Eddie died. And I wasn't ready for that. You see, I had been, I was getting ready, I was walking out the door to go to a meeting that night.
A meeting I had never been to before. I was on a conference committee and I was going to go out and get some flyers out there and everything. And I got a call that Eddie had died. And of course, like most of us, we say, no, no, I don't want to believe this, this really can't be happening. But the farther I got down the road and I was getting to that meeting, I knew it had really happened and I didn't want to, I didn't want to face reality.
I didn't want to be there. And I pulled into that driveway and I saw five of our members' cars in that driveway and none of them had ever been to that meeting before either. I knew why they were there when I got there. They were there for me. That's one of many, many miracles that I have, just an instance. Well, that night I got home and I was very distressed and I was very upset with God because something had happened.
He'd finally gone from a God up here in the clouds to getting down to coming in from the inside. And I don't know how that happened. It was so gradual. It just seemed to be there one day. And I was very, very upset, very angry and I told him about it. And I said, this is not fair. I'm not done with him. I still want to call him on the phone. I'm supposed to see him in a month. This is not fair. Why have you taken him from me?
Why have you done this?
[00:50:03]
And you know what? And I said, okay, you know, who am I to question you, but come on, give me a break and just tell me what I'm supposed to learn out of this because I need a lesson. I need something to go on. And I got it because what happened is I realized that very night that I have to learn how to really live one day at a time. Because see, I never know when my number is going to be called and if I'm not ready, that's my tough luck and I don't want to be unprepared.
It was basically take care of business today. I thought I'd learned how to live one day at a time, but I didn't. My heart wasn't in today all the time. And that was my lesson. That was a very powerful lesson, something that I still try and do. I've had an opportunity to share with many of you, and one place was last year in Omaha. And that weekend started something for me that, you know, really, that I really needed.
It gave me that one kick. I know I need a lot of kicks. What happens is I get a lot of miracles because my God, the God that I understand, knows I need them. He knows. Now, I wouldn't believe a burning bush. I'd think someone was just careless and I'd try and put it out. You know, I wouldn't believe a burning bush. But I do believe when somebody appears in my life, and I've had that happen so many times, it's just so exciting to get those surprises that has happened so many times even this weekend.
But he gave me one that weekend and it started me on another path. I came out of that convention and I realized that some of the things I'd been doing that were acceptable to me had become unacceptable, and I had to change, mainly in the area of my personal life, the area of the fellas. And boy, that can be a tough area. And I realized that whole year I'd been involved with fellas. And what would happen is I realized that this disease does not just happen around alcohol, but it can be transmitted.
And those fellas ended up being like a bottle to me. I became, I treated them and got reactions on the inside from them like I did with alcohol. And I got very, very sick. The two fellas I got involved with were sick. You know, so it just added to the flame. And I kept, I kept right on in there. I mean, God would try and get me out of the situation and I would go running back for more pain, more pain, and it just kept on and kept on.
And finally, I realized that I really don't like living in pain like this anymore. I'm getting sick. I'm getting stinking thinking. I'm going to meetings, but I'm not mentally there. I'm physically there, but I don't want to be there. I want to be out fixing them. I want to show them how good life can be and what they're missing, right? And I just had all sorts of sick thoughts in me. You know, the thing about insanity, I didn't understand insanity till I was two years sober and I heard it at a convention and I, it just has stuck with me.
The thing about when we do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. And that was a definition and the only one that I'd really ever understood. And so last year, something happened to me that, that is nothing short of a miracle. I never, I really did not know that this would ever happen to me. It started, as I said, in Omaha and I started changing things. I took another four-step inventory and I really looked at it very, very closely and I started getting very specific.
And I knew I had some unfinished business. And in October of that year, I went to a convention in Albany and I heard some many good speakers. And one of them said to take care of business in the family today. And you see, you know, I had one area left in my life to really take care of and it was called stepmother. You see, that, that anger had been so great, enraged so great that if you had the same name as her, I didn't like you.
I mean, I didn't, you know, you may have been the most wonderful person, but if you had the same name, there was that association and I didn't even try and get to know who you were to break that. And I came back and on the way home from that convention, I thought, you know, it, it just might be possible, it just might be possible I can make amends to her. And I, I can really get rid of this and really be free because I knew that was the last thing
[00:55:08]
to go. I knew and had known the whole year that I needed to get rid of that in order to be really free. And so I took a fourth step and in that fifth step, that was my primary thing. And when I was talking to him, I said, my main reason for doing this is to be free. I have not experienced true freedom like I know I can once this is taken care of. And about a week before Christmas, I made my amends without reservations, without any expectations or anything.
And that to me is a miracle that that was even possible. I know you got things like that have happened in your life like that. So you know what I'm talking about. They're big deals. They're sort of big deals. And that's what that was one for me. I have been very, very blessed because I've had many wise, wise teachers. Many of you, too. You've all got your teachers that you listen to and that means so much to you.
And I have those guys, too, in my life. And I hang on to them and I use them and I use my sponsors. I have three. I've got two AA's and an Al-Anon, and that Al-Anon can kick me harder than any AA I've ever been around, let me tell you. I just hope that many of you can get some of the benefits of this program and the blessings that I've been given and the gift of sobriety because I know, I know that I have not gotten sobriety because I deserved it.
I have not done it because I've been an outstanding citizen in my community or anything like that. It is a gift from God that I hope I never throw back in his face and that I don't abuse this privilege of living and this privilege of sobriety. Thank you for being here and giving me Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you. Thank you.