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Source: DICOBE-00612 – Jim W – FELLOWSHIP BY THE SEA – 1980-10-11.mp3 File: dicobe-00612-jim-w-fellowship-by-the-sea-1980-10-11.mp3 Duration: 01:24:56
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Last year at Panama City, Florida, and he and I were on a program there together, and just fell in love with him like I do almost everyone who I see and hear anywhere, not picking him out particularly, but it was a sort of different type of AA talk. We've had excellent speakers here this week, very good, Jim does his just a little bit differently with some uniqueness about it. I loved him from the very beginning. He won't write you no letters. If you ever write him and say, Jim, how about come talk for him? Hell, he ain't gonna write you back, I can tell you that. Now, he'll talk to you on the phone, but that's about it. So if you're all thinking about asking him to go anywhere, talk to him while you got him here tonight. Don't wait till he gets home to write no letter.
He wouldn't answer our letters. We don't know how much it costs to fly him out here. We got to hold him down after this meeting and get this information out of him. And you'll understand because there's a lot of things he don't know. After you hang out with him, you're gonna realize what a problem we had getting this fellow out here. You just don't know. But I loved him from the very beginning, have had just a beautiful few days here with him this week. I look forward to hearing him again, and I know that you will enjoy Jim. And at this time, help me welcome Jim W. from Fort Worth, Texas.
I'll screw that up, of course, but it won't be intentional. I do it naturally. I don't have to work at it or anything. First of all, I love the food. And next, I thank the committee for inviting me. I have eating problems, which means when I have problems with anything, I do it too much. But I do thank the committee very much. You're very lovely and gracious people. I love the people here, and I could just cry if you want to.
I didn't want it to get sweet so quick, but I guess it did, so we can go home now. But I am Jim W., and I'm an alcoholic. And I was raised in a lot of the counties in Texas, they don't drink there. They vote dry, and I found out later they drink wet. But they didn't sell this bad and wicked stuff that made you bad and wicked when I was raised. And they had a guy stand up there kind of like me, you know, and he'd point his finger at you and say, if you think it, you might as well have done it. Hell, I was thinking it before I even knew what it was I was thinking.
But I could just tell I was one of those, and I was one of them. You could feel it. And they'd sing songs at the end, and they'd sing that last stanza for that one right back there. And I knew it was me, I knew it was me. And they'd say, we've been praying for those, and I knew who it was. Then I finally got to be around 12 or 13, and I got close to this girl and had those funny feelings. And I told them, and they said, we've been meaning to talk to you, and I knew it, you know, I knew they had. You can tell the way they look at you. And they said, meet me before the service.
So I met them, and they get you in that little room. And I guarantee you, once they get you in that little room, the show's over. You're going to join up. You're going to sign up, the show's over. So if you want to be a good boy, and I want to be a good boy, I want to do that other two, but I want to be a good boy. I don't know what it is, but I know I want to do it. I didn't know whether it was the Holy Spirit or what it was, but I knew I had a little of it, and I wanted some more of it. And I was willing to go to any length, you know.
So they said, if you'll just do what we want you to do, you'll be okay. Well, I want to be okay.
[00:05:00]
So the next morning, they sang that last stanza for that last service, and I said, morning, they sang that last stanza for that poor thing right back there, which was me. And my throat hurt, you know, like it always did. And I came down the aisle, and it's kind of like AA, except don't give out any chips. You get down there, and they all come and hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are, and you know you're not, but God, I love it, you know. Then they put you in the tank and hatch your fleaks, and you choke a little, but you come out okay.
Then I went to school the next day and saw that girl, came right back. I said, well, we're going to have to do it again. Didn't take. They said, no, you just don't do it. Well, they didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything. I didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything. So I went back to them. I said, how do you don't do it? Don't think about it. I thought, I wonder why I didn't think about that.
I said, well, I've been thinking about it all day today. I'll just wait and stop thinking about it tomorrow. I don't ever like to waste a day, you know. So I got up the next morning, not going to think about it today. And I got to work, not thinking about it, thought about it all the time. I didn't know then that anytime I try to not do something, I'm going to do it more than I ever did. I didn't know that.
Well, I made it till I got to be 17. Survived it hard. That's where I began to get brain damage. You know, when you've got no relief, you get brain damage. When you have to not do things on your own, that's what happens to you. 30 miles away, there was a town that was wild and wicked, and folks who go there are bad. We went. This guy and I, we opened the door of that honky-tonk beer joint, and there was that deacon with a warm girl in one hand and a cold beer in the other.
I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us, and we're through. And didn't even get to do it. It looks like I'd have caught it right then. When you get caught before you do it, hell, you ought to just say, I'm not going to be one of those who's going to get to do it. We drank two beers, didn't do a thing for me, didn't taste good, didn't smell good, didn't make me feel good. And I watched him, and he was happy, and I'd never seen him.
And we got out of there, and I was relieved. And the next morning, I got up, and I wanted to go to church for the first time in years. I thought, maybe you get old enough, you don't have to go anymore. There I went, there he was, sad, like he always was, and with a different girl. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. Now, this was before you could do anything during the week.
I did it all on Saturday night, bathed and everything. So I told my buddy, I said, I've got the deal. Don't tell a soul we're going back next Saturday. It's a big town, got two joints. We'll go to the other joint. We went to the other joint, and I learned how to do everything, but committed adultery. And I'd have done that too, but you know how we are, we just get so busy. I just love alcoholics, they think about it all day long. And that night, they get tied up. And if they do do anything, they don't remember it. I lived a life of I don't know.
You can't call back and say, we do anything last night? What if you did and everything was fine? I just started drinking. I didn't even know I knew how to drink. I knew how. You just drink one right after the other. You get the feeling it's good, you can't feel it all. Southern Baptists had four commandments, you know, don't drink whiskey, commit adultery. God, these are bad things, folks. Dance or play cards.
And nobody does the rest of them, so you don't even have to bring those up.
[00:10:01]
I learned how to dance and fall down on the dance floor and break my nose just like you're supposed to. Learned how to black out and go home, wake up the next morning, felt terrible, threw up. And the guy called and said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time. I said, oh, well. Then I knew how to have a good time, go out and get drunk, black out, wake up the next morning, throw up. You know, you had a good time.
Did not know you did it any other way. I thought people who did not do what I did didn't know how. I thought they just don't know how to drink. Just didn't know how to do it. Well, I knew you couldn't do it a lot. You're going to get caught. So I just always did it a lot when I did it. I finally had a war and I went and I was already, everybody said, had a hard time getting out of high school. I don't think I really was very smart, but I think I could have made it if I hadn't been tied up so much. And I thought a lot and I'm sure that I was, my mind was tied up on a lot of things that I was going to solve for a lot of people, especially me. And I was tied up that way most of the time. And I just didn't get to a lot of things or I got there late.
I'm going to write you, Duke. It's just taken me a while. Well, finally they had a war and they went and they got up too early and they went to bed too early. Everybody was always telling me, you don't want to do this. Yeah, I want to do it. And they'd say, you want to do this? No, I don't want to do that. That was going on all my life. You want to go to college? No, I don't want to go to college. Couldn't get out of high school. Yes, you do. Why do I want to go? Everybody's going. Oh, well, I'll go. But I got up there, I got that piece of paper, but I did not get an education.
They might have made me do some things, but I missed it. I'll guarantee you that. I left to live the life I lived. I was living over here and it was always right over there where it was. I just went right on up the aisle and missed it. It was all over here. But I showed them I never got over there. Well, I finally kept doing that and got my little thing. And of course, yeah, you know what happens when you get out of school? God, it's work. You have to go to work.
Every place I went, they always wanted you to go to work on Monday. You could have the flu on Thursday, they didn't say anything about it. Have it on Monday, they'd just go crazy. I was having some minor difficulties with women. You could put 10 pretty girls up there and I'll get the sick one every time. I only failed one time and one girl didn't go with me the third time. But outside of that, I never failed. I don't know where I learned it. I haven't been anywhere but church or school, so I learned it in one of those places. You know, Southern Baptists can't go with any girl unless she's the one you can marry. So I never went with one that I wasn't going to marry.
The only awkward thing about being in love all the time is when you don't have a girl. But I was always in love waiting for the girl to happen. I loved my life because I was going to marry everyone. Everyone was it. After two months, once I found her, we were totally, so completely, absolutely in love with one another, there was no way for us to live or breathe apart again. Then it would just deteriorate from there on.
And I did that about one year at a time. When I really did my heavy drinking is when you're tapering out of one of misery into a new one. It's fantastic. That double life bothered me a little. I began to have a little difficulty where I worked. Besides always wanting me to work on Monday and on their time and their way, they didn't treat me right. They didn't pay me right. And they didn't run them right.
Most of us should not be in business. We're a little too smart for it. Some of the places where I had to leave because I explained to them why they're not doing it right and insist upon them changing it. And it took me a while that dawned on me that I was always the one that was leaving. It's amazing. It's amazing how some of them are still operating and doing it wrong.
[00:15:05]
Finally couldn't get a job, and I went to these guys whom I knew, and I knew they were friends of mine, I was even drank with them, and they'd say, you don't want this job, I want the job. I'd say, I want the job. No, you don't want this job. There was just something about me you could tell that they were going to feel better when I left. Now, they weren't mean to me or nasty, but I knew they were going to be relieved when old Jimmy left them.
Well, the way I look for a job is I get up every morning and throw up spray, and I go and fill out one application and make one interview, which is enough for anybody, and then go get drunk. I do that one day at a time until I get a job, and I've done this for about two weeks in a row. So, I thought, hell, I think I'll take the day off. So, I just got up that morning and threw up, and sprayed, and went out to the golf course and ate an old egg and an old piece of toast, I know it's old-taste dough, then I went around there to the beer joint where the only guy left that understood me was.
He and I were talking, and I was vibrating, and he said, You look terrible. I said, I think I'm coming down with something. He said, The way you look, I think a beer is the only thing that's going to save you. And I said, My Lord, it's only 9.15, I try never to drink before 10.30, that's noon for Baptists. Unless it was off, or I just wasn't doing it on a holiday, you know. I drank half that beer and sprayed the golf course with it.
I don't mind spraying unless I lose my concentration. When my mind wanders, and then it will get in my nose and burn, and it irritates me. And I already knew how to meditate, when it gets stringy, you don't know where the end is, and you can't breathe, just you, God, and the commode. I don't play it that close anymore. You never know what you're going or staying in. You ought to use that commode stuff, or this energy deal, in the hot summer time.
After you get through with that heavy meditation, you have to rest there a minute, because it is tiring to get that close to death, going into heaven or whichever place it is you're going. Well, I told this guy, I said, I think I'd better go home and lie down. Of course, there's no way to lie down, but I went home. I never had to put a quarter in those motel things to have that vibrator work. I just did it myself.
I got in the living room and called all the Jim Williamses together. I love to have a meeting with me, because I can decide everything about you and about everybody else, about the way things are, about the way things have been, and about the way things are going to be. And I thought, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll just commit suicide. Then they'll worry about them not hiring me for the rest of their days.
They'll never be able to forget it. But I didn't know how to do it. Now you know, it's modern deals and everything. Now you can look on television and say, suicide, call that number. You know, after I sobered up, they'd done everything, miniskirts, they opened up everything after I sobered up. You get into AA, they don't want to let you do nothing, hell, they just opened it up. They said, free sex, free everything, just opened it up right after I sobered up.
They just said, it's all free now. It was hard for me to say, God, I'm grateful I've missed everything, which meant I was right all along, but they didn't catch it until after it was too late for me. Well I didn't like guns because they'd make a lot of noise, and I didn't like a lot of noise in the morning, and besides that, they splatter, so I didn't want to do that.
[00:20:05]
Razor blades were popular then, except for poor overdose. I'm still from the old school, suicide, cold turkey suicide, rather than the modern day. The ones that do it now with this modern deal, they just remember the pump, I remember all of mine, all three of them. Well I didn't know how to do it. I just read in the paper, they cut their wrists. Well I just didn't, I knew that you couldn't do it in the living room, because you'd get blood all over the carpet, and I'm always thinking of others.
So I just went in the bathroom, where I do a lot of things anyway, settled a lot of my life in the bathroom, so I got my razor blade and sat down on the throne, cut both wrists just a little bit, never had done it before, you know, and I'm sitting there listening to the drip, thinking about where I'm going, and it's all been settled, and those guys are going to worry about the rest of their life, I just can't wait for them to start worrying, and the phone rang, and I thought, what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was calling, that'd be enough to run you crazy, so I put a band-aid on my wrist right quick, answered the phone, it's the police, they're kind of like ministers, you know, come go along with me, except they need this program badly, they all have personality changes, I never talked to one yet that didn't, when you explain to them that you're not going, they just automatically their personality changes, they start going crazy, then when you tell them, by God, I'm not going, then they go nuts and you have to pacify them and go along with the little old things, I don't talk to them anymore at all, I know they've got the problem, but there's no help for them, they've got no guts, they can't get into AA, so they're dead, so this guy gave me two options, always give you an option, where were you last night, I said I was right here, he said no you wasn't, I said how do you know, he said where's that, then I didn't want to talk to him anymore, I'd already learned how to talk to somebody who knows more about where you've been than you do, so I said what do you want me to do, he said well you can either come down here or we'll come out there and get you, I said I'll be right down there, then I hung up and had another meeting, I'm having a hell of a day, you know it's not 11 yet, and I thought well I've been in Houston long enough anyway, and they treat me bad, why don't you just leave, I think I will, so I did, I like to have conversations with me, you can settle a lot and know a lot, put on my clothes and card and be able to keep the folks that ran the joints behind the rent anyway, but the Lord tried to tell me to move, and I had 36 dollars which is plenty to start a new career, and I'm 33, which is just the time to start living, so I got a pint of whiskey in case anything happened, and that night it must have, because I waked up the next morning and only had 7, and then I got to thinking, I wonder how my folks are getting along, I'm underfinanced again, and I always could think of my folks when I got underfinanced, and I called them and sure enough they said where are you, and I told them I was in a little town in west Texas, and they said where are you going, and I said just name one further out west, I knew I was going out there to see a friend, I hadn't met him yet, but I know he's there, and they asked me to come by, and I went by and I have never shortchanged my folks, I've never lightened up on the story, I've given them the full treatment, I know that's all they're going to get for their money, and I don't want to shortchange my own folks, and I'll tell you what's so fantastic about my story, it gets so horrible, and I start listening to it, hell, I cry myself. I love our stories, our stories are not sad, when we get through, tell them they're horrible, there's no way anybody could be treated the way I thought I was treated, but they don't know that, and old John would say, well Jimmy's honest, let him have a hundred, God that's amazing how that changes your feelings, and I just got, I knew all I had to do was sweat it out that night, get up the next morning, and I said, by the way, I just wanted you to know, I've been drinking some since I've had all that trouble, and I decided something else last night, I'm never going to drink
[00:25:02]
again, and I didn't until I got in the car and drove across Fort Worth, where they live, and stopped at a little filling station that just happened to sell beer, and I said how far is the next town, they said 79 miles, I said let me have three. I decided to go down to Rio Grande Valley, next to Mexico. I knew that a friend went down there about five years ago, and I love us, we don't call, they might say not to come. I went down there, and that's a good place to die. You can die down there, drinking tequila in one of those ditches, without any money, and I went down there and got a job because they hire people because nobody goes through down there. They change countries, you know, and language and people just, you don't go looking for a job in Mexico. Mexico is coming this way. So I got the job, and I'm still trying to do it with women. Getting less all the time, but I'm still, I'm thinking about it more. So I was going with this girl, or trying to, and thinking about another one at the same time. You always got to keep reserve if you're like me. This one was a little bit different. We physically had a couple of arguments, where before it had most been verbal. She had a little different sickness than the others I'd had, which made her more attractive. Our last little fight was in her bathroom, and that's an awful place to discuss things. Everything's very firm there.
And your equilibrium is not too good, and you fall. She always took advantage of me when I wasn't in good shape. Anyway, I think we fell around there for a while. And anyway, the next one, I was living in an old trailer behind the motel. The alley was my yard, and I didn't have to mow it or anything. It was rocks. And the next, this was one morning that evidently I'd been over at her house, and we had one of those discussions, the one in the bathroom. And I'd gone home, and evidently I was going to leave early because I still had my clothes on. I did that once in a while, but I never could remember where I was going. And somebody said, bang, on that door. And there was my good friend Baptist preacher, and I had a tendency already, I'd already learned how to wake up in total fright. Just, I didn't even have to pray for it. Just wake up, scared to death. I'd even be scared to death because I was back home. In fact, I was doing better waking up in the car in some way. And this guy said, come go along with me. And I didn't want to go with him. I just knew I didn't want to go with him. I said, preacher, I don't think I want to go with you. He said, oh yeah, you want to go with me. And I said, but, and I looked down, had my white shirt on, had blood all over it, and I said, I don't, I've got to change. He said, no, you won't have to do anything. I said, well, I need a beer or something. He said, no, you don't need anything. Everybody always knew what I needed. We drove over to her house, and we had a meeting. It was an odd time on Saturday morning, about eight o'clock. And I looked at her, and she didn't look too good. Looked like she'd had a bad night's sleep. And I thought, I got the feeling around, it seemed like my head wasn't exactly just normal. So I said, I've got to go to the bathroom. And I went to the bathroom, and she won. I still believe to this day, she stepped on me when I was in that bathtub, head first. She won't admit it, but it looked like that's what she did. Anyway, after the meeting was over, and I'm vibrating, we decided to get married, and me settle down, which I thought was a good idea. Hell, I just thought, in fact, it was a fantastic idea, because I was not getting here early enough. And we hooked it up. I said, don't invite anybody, and I got drunk at 11 o'clock before the funeral ceremony. And my last call was at 3 a.m. The beer distributor, who was one of my best friends, came by and says, I want you to know, we're not here to see anybody get married. We're here because we don't believe it. He said, her friends don't even speak to your friends. But we got married, and my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to throw up in peace. I'd get up in the morning, grab that coffee, and go in that bathroom, start gagging. I was always going to quit smoking, because it made me gag of morning. And she's telling me what I am through that door, and I've got to get upset, which is terrible, go to work and make the living, run out and get drunk, come home, tell her what she was. We did that one day at a time. The only good day we ever had was both just two people.
[00:30:01]
The longest bet on our marriage was three weeks, but I showed them. We hung in there for eight years. We developed such a sweet, deep hate for one another that we were safe because the one that died first won. I lost that job, couldn't find one, finally got a job with a drug company, and that guy took him about a month to ship me to West Texas, and he shipped me out to West Texas in a town that had 538 people, 38 of them was making a living and the other 500 couldn't get out to make enough money to get out, and I joined them.
I liked crowds, liked to be one of the crowds. And I was calling on drugstores. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I was doing it. And you stand in a drugstore, they don't serve booze in drugstores. And you're supposed to write, and I couldn't write because I'm vibrating. And I'm standing in the store, and this pharmacist says, I believe you're going to fly apart. I said, any minute. He said, well, take some of these.
I took a couple of them, nothing happened. So I took three more, waited 15, 20 seconds. Then my knees just went, phew. I said, my God, I've learned how to weave, now I've got to learn how to use stamps. So I took Librium. This was before Valium. I understand Valium, you really can cross eyes and see straight. So I took Librium in the daytime for three months and drank beer or bourbon at night. And I did that one day at a time.
And there's a little deal here, no charge for this, in case some of you are stranded in between West Texas. A lot of towns are 60, 80 miles apart, and there's no water in between, and I'd be fine when I left town. I'd get nervous and have a fit and go into total fright like you normally do after you've been up a little while. And then there's no water. And I remember one time a guy said, if you ever get nervous, bite the tip of your tongue and the saliva will come.
And I did that, and you could swallow those little things. Hard on your tongue, but it works. Somebody recommended me for a job, and the headquarters was out of Indiana. I'd never heard of them, didn't know who they were. They flew me up there, and I got up there, and the guy said, he looked at my resume, and he looked at me, or he looked at both of us, and said, we don't know why you're here. I didn't.
I couldn't help him. And I didn't even know what they sold, and I couldn't ask them, because they said it was 40 years old. And I said, Lord, anybody ought to know what they do at 40 years. But I didn't know what I did. I just couldn't help him. So they looked at me all day long, and I'm vibrating, and I'm in kind of bad shape, and evidently they don't notice I'm moving on the inside 200, 300 miles an hour, and it's 3 o'clock, and nothing's happening, and finally this guy says, these people look at me funny.
And they shake hands with you like that. And he said, we don't know what to do with you. I said, what did you bring me up here for? He said, well, we needed a sales rep in Houston. I said, I'm it. I had to get a drink and get that show over with. He said, well, I'm just happy to be vice president and head of sales. I'll just hire you. You think you can do it? I said, you betcha. I had no idea what I could do it now, but I knew I needed to leave there, and the show was over.
You know, 3 o'clock's a long time past 10.30. He said, well, you're hired, go on back down there, and that guy will be down to see you in a day or two. And I went down there, and he never came to see me. I hung around a couple of weeks, and they said, where are you? I said, I'm waiting on that guy to come back. Why didn't you call us and tell us? Well, you know how we are. Might have had to go to work.
But I was going to be different. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not really a drunk. I just get drunk every night. The only thing wrong, I just want to make sure they don't see me drink. And it lasted nine months. My normal way was to go, if I played golf with them, or if I was around them, I'd have a drink or two with them. And then I'd go get drunk and black out and go home like you're supposed to. I didn't know you did that any other way.
And that's just the way I did it. The night, the day before Christmas Eve of 1965, I played golf with them. They took me to their house, didn't want to go, because it was blackout time. I loved blackout. I drank to blackout. Hell, that's when I had peace. I know I did, because I didn't remember. Anything I remembered wasn't peaceful. So I drove from one side of Houston to the other, blacked out, just like you're supposed to.
[00:35:00]
Wasn't anything any different. Didn't do anything. Never done it. I've done it a thousand times. I'm just kind of disappointed when I'm driving. I used to like to entertain myself with my stripe always going to the right. And I always think that, now I'm going to ask old Jack tomorrow if his stripe always goes to the right. And I never get to find out. And you close one eye. I don't know where I learned that.
You just close one eye and the stripe comes right back. And if you want a little, if you've got a little too much lights, you know, a lot of times there'll be eight taillights up there, and you just close one eye and you've got two. But it gives you something to do on the way home. A lot of people just have to drive with nothing to do. And I liked something going on, you know. I never could do much about it, but I liked it going on.
It just helped me if I knew something was going on. And the next morning I got up and the old watcher name was going next door to, he was going to have a party, it's Christmas Eve. I never did have to worry about having a party. I had one every chance I had. And I went out and I did the same thing. I waked up the next morning in total fright, didn't know who brought my car back and never get to find out.
I went right around that car and there it was, parked funny, but it's back. No new dents and no blood. And I walked back in and did the same thing I always do, call them back and say, sure I'm sorry about last night. I was never sorry about last night. I was calling back for them to tell me what I did, and they never tell you, except the one thing I did not want to hear. They'd say, it was okay, Jim, you just got drunk.
God, I was getting tired of people saying it's okay, you just got drunk. And I don't know what was the reason for this being different than any other day, but I picked up that phone book, I guess heard it on the radio, and looked under Alcoholics Anonymous and called in a group, and that's the only place I'd know that you'd know the name in a group, and just a little girl answered the phone, acted like she was glad I called.
I should have known then there was something wrong. People are not that glad I called. She said, somebody will be right out. Well, I waited an hour, and nobody showed up. And I looked at the clock, it was 10.15, and I said, well, I'll just call them and tell them I don't need them. I didn't know who it was I called. And then about that time the phone rang, and the guy said, he'll be right there, and before I could tell him I didn't need him, he hung up.
I said, well, I'll just get rid of him. He looked nice, had a box of free beers, 10.15, it's almost daylight, 10.30. Little short guy with a pointed nose, with a book on his arm, got out of the car. I said, I know exactly what we're going to do. We're going to pray, read that book. You know, I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated 10 times. I'll just get rid of him. So he knocks on the door and comes in, we didn't read that book, we didn't pray, and about that time old What's-Her-Name came back in, he said, you want to go with me?
And I didn't, but it's better than staying with her. So I got in the car with him, and he hit that old loop in Houston, and I said, my God, here I am. He could tell he's not my kind of guy. I've gone off with a perfect stranger, I don't have my car, I don't know this guy from Adams, and he's a sour-looking puss guy, you know. And I said, and I went into total fight again, and I said, I'll buy a beer.
He said, I don't want a beer. Then I knew it, I knew it. I waited about 15 seconds, and I said, you're going to have to get this car off this freeway, or let me out, I'm going over at that 7-Eleven, I've got to have a beer, they've got to have it right now. I got bad drunk, and I cannot wait another minute. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh, yeah, I can do that. And he drove and drove and drove and drove, drove in kind of an old neighborhood, kind of a bad neighborhood.
He drove up to this old house, and there were a few of the cars around there that looked pretty good, and the rest of them looked about like mine. And I thought, well, I said, is this it? He said, yeah. I thought, well, when I get some money, I'll help these folks. He opened the door, and some of the deacons were sitting over there talking about women in the stock market, and I found out later on I didn't know anything about either one.
And they had an old piece of Nolium on this old bar, and the bartender didn't look a hell lot better than I did. And he walked up to him and said, mix him up a little milk and honey. I said, my God, what do you put in it?
[00:40:01]
I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you see, you're nervous. I said, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you. And he said, you need sugar in your system. You got used to it from alcohol. And besides all that, the honey's been digested. I said, indigestion's not my problem. You know, if you throw up right, you don't have indigestion. Well, I drank it, and it curdled, and it came right back up.
He said, don't worry about it. We have plenty. I thought, hell, I'm just going to put on a show for these guys. One of the smart ones said, walk all you want to. I didn't want to walk at all. You walk up down that club, and they just, hell, got a new animal in there today. Just watch you walk all day long. Six o'clock, he finally took me home. I said, let me out in front. I was going to try to get in my car and get out of here.
I don't know what's-her-name to see me. He said, don't go far. I'm going to pick you up in an hour. I said, what far? He said, we're going to a meeting. I said, where? Right back where we came from. I said, my God, we was there all day. My God, he is back. It's Christmas Eve, too, you know. No respect for the Lord. I went with him. Didn't know I couldn't. I thought it was like everything else. Do what you don't want to do.
There's funny-acting people, though. They got back to me. A lot of them wasn't too friendly, even with each other. Some of them kind of liked it, but the rest of them didn't. They were just kind of frowning, sad. Then they said a little old thing and said something else. I found out later the other day it was a serenity prayer when I got here. Then some of them got idiot talks. They laughed. It wasn't a damn thing funny about it.
It didn't make any sense at all. Then they all get up and hold hands and say the Lord's Prayer. Then the Holy Spirit moved in there. That thing just exploded. I said, God, I didn't see them sing any songs or do nothing. I wonder when that happened. I said, tomorrow night when they say that prayer, I'm going to watch and see what that guy up there does. Hell, they got to hugging and kissing and loving.
They just got the Spirit. The Spirit moved them. They got ready to go. You could see a bunch of boys and girls getting together, getting in cars and leaving. They didn't invite us. I'm with the only one they don't like. Nobody invited us to go. I know what they're doing. You have to get in there with them. You get to have a little and get a little. Everything's going to be fine. It's going to be fantastic.
Once you can get in that deal. But I'm with the only one nobody likes. We go every night. Nobody invites us to go. Nobody. I thought, well, we ain't going to get in on that deal at all. I waited three months, went out and got drunk. Waited three more months, went out and got drunk. Went to meetings every living night. Every living night. Twice on Saturdays and Sundays. By God, they've got, they're a two-program deal.
Work and go to meetings. Don't do nothing else. Think about it, but don't do it. I told them, I said, I ain't sleeping with old what's-her-name. That's good. I said, what if I told you I was? They said, we'd have said, that's good. And God, this is the first time in my life I've been where they had them grouped. I used to have to go look out. And here they are. Got the sick ones. Two kinds. Some that don't drink.
Some that do. And I had one picked out the first week. Especially the new ones that come in. It's perfect, you know. We could fall in love in a week and be on our way. But they won't let you. One night, it's just raining, raining, raining. This guy called. One night it was just raining, raining, raining, this guy called and he said, pick you up in 30 minutes, I said it's raining, he said you ever go get a drink when it's raining, I said I'll be ready,
[00:45:02]
and one night I was going to stay home and watch television, hadn't gotten to watch television in a long time, used to love to watch television, never get to see it but used to love to watch it, loved to watch football games, missed them all but loved to watch them, so I turned out all the lights except the TV set, pulled the shades and that phone just ring, ring, a letter ring, next morning he called and said where were you last night, I said I was right here watching television, he said well you missed it, I said what did I miss, I don't know, wasn't you there, yeah, well you just don't want to tell me, he said oh, I heard what I was supposed to hear, it's what you were supposed to hear, we'll never know, I thought my God, you got to go every night, you miss it, got drunk one more time, three months apart, one of the smart ones told me, he said well, you know now what it is to be a daily drinker and a pure erotic, that's all you need to learn, you've learned it all, that's all you need to learn, don't need to learn any more, one of my other best friends came up to me and said, Jim, I want to tell you, you've convinced me on that last drunk of one thing, and you don't need to do it for me ever again, you've thoroughly convinced me I shall never drink again, and I did not want to go through that pain for him any more it seems though I'd called that little short guy during that last drunk around 3am to discuss something, or at least he said I did, I doubt if I did, and he said don't you ever call me again as long as you live, I said don't you worry about it, I didn't call you in the first place, they did, from the first day I saw you, I never liked you and if I had as bad a personality as you do, I'd go back to drinking, you don't have to worry about it, I'll never call you again as long as I live, and I didn't until the next morning and he said meet me at the club, and I met him at the club, and I walked into the club and he said get your coffee and sit down, they talk to you pretty nasty you know, he said now I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous, there's absolutely no failure here, Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Al-Ateen, Al-A-Pot, or Al-A-Dog does not fail, there's no failure here, provided you do exactly what we tell you to do, the way we tell you to do it, now you're going to get to do one thing only for the rest of your life, but that's all you're going to get to make decisions and that's all for the rest of your life, your decision making has never been very good, did you ever get up in the morning and say I will never drink again, did you drink, yeah, see your decisions were never lasting, so we're going to give you some actions to back up your decisions so they'll last but the decisions and the actions that follow are going to be the only thing you're ever going to do again, that's your part, now I'm going to give you a decision to make, you're either going to do exactly what I tell you to do, the way I tell you to do it, or go right back out that door I said I don't want to do either one, he said I didn't ask you what you wanted to do, I asked you what you were going to do, I said do you mean to tell me that you don't care whether I want to do it or not, he said not at all, I said well if you'll make it perfectly clear to everybody that I don't want to, then I'll do it he said now I'm going to give you some things not to do, and some things to do, now the things that I'm going to give you not to do are going to change, but the things I'm going to give you to do, you just add to, and then it's going to happen over there, I said what's going to happen over there, I don't know, but it always happens
[00:50:05]
I said when am I going to know, he said right after it happens, I said I don't understand anything you're telling me, he said now you got it I said you didn't hear me, I said I didn't understand, and he said and don't you ever forget it, but there's two things you're going to remember for the rest of your days, no matter what's going on in your life no matter what your situation is, you do not understand, and when you begin to become a person who doesn't try to understand, you'll enjoy not understanding, and then you'll have understanding and the other thing is, no matter what's happening to you, or what's happened to you, it's never them, it's never her, it's never God, it's you that must become different I said do you mean to tell me that I'm always wrong, he said it has nothing to do with who's right or who's wrong, it's just you that must become different, you're going to have to become different than you have ever been before I said how do I do that, he said oh you can't, I said what the hell did you tell me for then, he said oh that's what's going to happen to you he said now I want to tell you another thing, what's really wrong with you is your thinking, I said what's wrong with my thinking, he said well you just think wrong about things that happen, going to happen, and they're going on now I said how much of my thinking is wrong, we always start with all of it, and if there's any any good we'll let you know I said you put a sign up there on the board that says think think think, he said that's for us So now I'm going to tell you the one thing that got you here, this one thing that's going to be a blessed thing to you up to this point, it got you here But it can be the worst thing for you the rest of your life, as long as you know that you know, you'll never know But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do, then you'll begin to know you don't know, then you'll begin to know I said hell you're crazy, and he said I know I said okay what is it we got to do, he said well first of all I'm going to tell you how to not do something, you do not know how to not do anything You'll learn to not do one thing, but the not doing will change but you'll always do it this way The first thing we're going to not do is we're going to not drink and take a pill, and the way we're going to not do that, you know that little card I gave you that has my number and five other guys and in a group and the club's number, I said yeah When you get squirrely, definitely before you take a drink, call one of those numbers I said what I'm going to say, he said I didn't say for you to say anything, I said for you to call I said oh, he said it even works sometimes when you don't get anybody Bothered me too, but I knew I didn't understand so I let it go He said remember I said definitely before you took a drink, when you get squirrely, call, and if you don't call and went through the day and did not drink, then you blew it Won't work, got to do it that way, you can't do it your way, got to do it their way
[00:55:06]
They don't even know, but you got to do it their way Now I'm going to tell you what we're going to do, we're going to do this every day and later on we'll add to it, but whatever we add to it, I'll tell you what to add to it When you get up in the morning, I want you to get on your knees and I want you to say these words and these words only God take me today and let me be what you want me to be, let thy will only be done in my life Help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug, amen You do not need to give God any instructions Don't need to tell him how he's doing He can handle everything else all by himself And then call me before you go to the bathroom I said, why before I go to the bathroom?
You may not need to go I said, do you mean to tell me you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? He said, we'll find out They don't build you up too much when you get in here Well, I got up the next morning before I got out on my knees I said, God, you and I know he don't know He's a Presbyterian Right, John? And besides all that You and I have been praying for years But I'll tell you what we're going to do We're going to do it just exactly the way he says to do it And in 60 days, I'm going to tell him Got out on my knees, did my thing, called him, he didn't answer, well I need to go to the bathroom I said, go to the bathroom, maybe it's a club And I knew I needed to go Then I got over there and he said, go to work I said, I don't want to go to work, I don't like my job, you know And I said, besides all that, I couldn't go to work yesterday He said, why couldn't you?
I said, well, I was sitting in a chair at noon He says, thinking? I said, yeah He said, well, you just didn't know how I said, how? He said, go get in the car I said, oh Then I found out how you get in the car Get out of the chair, go get in the car Go to work He said, oh, by the way, when you get in the car, be sure and invite God into the day I said, how do you do that? He said, listen to me Just say, God, I invite you into the day I said, oh, you know, I can catch that heavy stuff when they give it to me straight Then I met him back at the club at 5 o'clock, you know how they are Right in front of everybody Get your coffee and sit down You know to do it, but they're going to tell you So they can let everybody know they're big shots You sit down with them a little while and right before everybody says, it's time for you to go home and eat and come back I know to do it, but they've got to tell you Got to tell you Loud enough for all to hear Came back to the meeting and asked the meeting He said, go home and thank God for the day I said, I do not thank God for the day It's been a miserable damn day And I'm not going to be a hypocrite He said, do you feel like you should be sincere to God so God will answer you?
I said, you betcha Not going to be a hypocrite I've seen too many of them He said, remember, we're not depending on you at all What you think has absolutely nothing to do with it It's only the action that you're taking and the action you're taking is going to make you different And you don't even know the action that you're taking and when you're taking it But you'll be taking it And what you're thinking is not what's going on So I went home and I closed the bedroom door We had a two-holder, two bedrooms One for her, one for me We hate each other, you know We used to live in different places Meet in the middle once in a while Discussions only Got down on my knees Said, okay, by God God Thank you for a miserable damn day Amen He don't care
[01:00:01]
I did that for about two months. Next morning I did nothing any different than I've done every day. I checked with him every morning, I went to a meeting every night, and I was perfectly, absolutely capable of being miserable every day and night, which I was. I did not miss a day, I did not screw up a day, I was totally, absolutely hated it and was miserable every living day, and sought to it. I knew how to do it, I did it.
Once you know something, don't give it up. And this morning I hit that loop in Houston, Texas about 9.15, and for the first time in my life, this God I did not know came into that car with me as a friend, and I knew him for the first time in my life as my friend. And for the first time in my life I knew I knew one thing, different than I'd ever known anything before in my life. I knew that I was never going to have to drink again unless I insisted upon it, and I knew that.
And I had my first fantastic day in Alcoholics Anonymous. It lasted all day long, and God, nothing bothered me that day. And I thought, man, we'll get a tent and some tambourines. I thought every day was going to be like this, and we'll get out there and save some souls. That guy was 20 minutes late getting back to the club, and he walked in there and said, get your coffee and sit down. The bad just has taken over.
They don't like that, but he did it. Then I told him what happened, and he said, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. He said, some are sicker than others. I said, what are you going to do about old Watson, then? He said, I'm not going to do anything. I worked with you for a year and a half. I'm through with that deal, but I want to send you to a guy that's worked out his relationship at home.
I'm going to leave mine just like it is. So I went to this guy, and he's Episcopalian. Can't ever find anybody that knows anything, you know. I get over to him, and he said, what do you want? I said, I just want to find out if I can find out something. I've had some difficulty with women all my life. I want to know if I can have a relationship with one woman that I've seen some other men have. If I can't have it, then I'm going to go play my deal.
But I want to know if I can have it. He said, do you remember that kind of lonesome period you went through when you first got to AA? You didn't fit back out there, and you didn't fit in here, and it's kind of a lonesome walk? I said, yeah. He said, I'll tell you what I'll do with you. If you're willing to make that lonesome walk whenever it's necessary, I'll not only guarantee your relation with a woman different than you've ever had it, I'll guarantee you a relationship with your fellow man you could not have imagined.
And I'll also give you a bonus. I'll guarantee you a relationship with God that there's no way for you to ever dream it could be, provided you're willing to make the lonesome walks that's going to be necessary along the path of your life. I said, I don't believe that. He said, isn't it fantastic? And I said, what, that I don't believe? He said, no, that you don't need to. I said, you mean I don't have to believe?
And he said, not at all. Just do what I tell you not to do. And what I tell you to do. I said, what are we going to do? He said, first of all, we're not going to tell her what's her name, what's wrong with her, ever again. I said, who's going to tell her? Somebody's got to tell her. He said, I don't know, but you're not. And he said, you're never going to do anything to try to work her around to do something because you think that's what she ought to be doing so you all will be better.
[01:05:06]
And he said, and you're going to pray for her. I said, I'm not. He said, yes, you are. And you're going to say these words. You may have to say them many, many times a day, God, thy will be done for her as well as for you. I said, I do not want God's will to be done for her as well as for me. He said, remember what you want has nothing to do with it. I had a bad case. I did not realize I had it so bad.
I got up in the morning before I could, I couldn't say hello to her. And they won't let you tell her what I'm doing. So I just had to run out of the house. Couldn't say anything without telling her what she needed to know. And she didn't know what to do. And finally I told him I was having a hard time doing it and he said, keep doing it. Just keep doing it. That's not working. He said, keep doing it.
Kept doing it. And then finally what was wrong with me, I'd written my fourth step in the meantime, what's wrong with me showed up. And whatever this thing was, it was alive and controlled my life that I had with women showed up in my life. And it hurt and I couldn't get rid of it. And I told my sponsor over and over and over again, and it still hurts. So I told the group and I still hurt. So I sneaked off and told another group and one of those groups snitched on me.
You know, we don't gossip here. We're just concerned. Then he said, you know, we've heard about all we can stand about that thing you've got. We've heard every day since you've been here about, oh, what's her name? She's a sick of that. We don't know what to do. She's not in town. I want you to go home and lock the door of that apartment where you live. And I want you and God to get rid of that. And don't you come out of there until it's done.
And I went home, stayed in that apartment all that day and I cussed and I praised them in long ones, those southern, southern badgers when it really worked. Beat the couch. I learned to quit beating the bar. It hurts, you know. And the next morning I went to sleep, 11, 12 o'clock at that night, and the next morning it wasn't there. It wasn't too long after that when she came back and I knew we didn't have anything.
It's amazing when you have nothing when the sickness was gone. There was nothing. Just was nothing. Nothing doesn't hurt. Nothing doesn't make you glad. Nothing doesn't do anything. She couldn't understand what I was not doing something. I didn't react right. She'd put out all. She'd be cynical. She'd laugh. She'd ridicule me. She'd do everything. Nothing happened. I thought, my God, I wish I knew how that worked so I could go work there.
We got a divorce. He was the same lawyer and I was scared to death and I didn't know what I sprayed her. I was going to take a chance living without that sickness and it scared me to death. I had to get me another guy to stay with me. Called his wife and said, I've got to stay at the old gym tonight. Why? He's leaving old what's-her-name. He's scared to death. We used the same lawyer, but those of you who are concerned about old what's-her-name, saw her best friend two months after that and said, have you seen old what's-her-name lately?
I said, no. Happier than I've ever seen her. I wanted badly to call her and tell her what she was, but I didn't do it. It wasn't too long after that that I'd been calling on this girl from the hospital. I sell to hospitals, or I'm supposed to, and they would not let me do anything, still, even though I'm well. We went to a convention and I took her and five other women with me, or four other women, and I was accused of, they were all women, you notice, and I was accused of going with her.
Then when I got back, I had some funny feelings, different funny feelings, but I had them. I went to her and I said, I've got to see you in your office. We'd never done anything but do what A.A. says. No matter who I associate with over a long period of time, I need to establish one thing in my life. They need to know that God is going to be first in all areas of my life, that I'm working at none of the areas of my life that God is not going to be the full dictator and be in charge and the full manager.
I need to establish that with anybody I'm associating with over a long period of time.
[01:10:04]
So I went up and I said, I've got to tell you something, and she's a Southern Baptist. I don't know anything about her life. I said, I think I'm falling in love with you, and I cannot have an affair. My sponsor will not let me. And for a 44-year-old gray-headed guy, that shocks people. And I said, well, I might as well tell you the rest of it. I'm an alcoholic synonymous. They don't let me do anything but go to AA every living night twice on Saturday and Sunday, and work is all they let me do, and think all I want to.
And she said, what's it all about? Well I don't know. You know, they cuss and pray and talk about God and smoke cigarettes a lot, and cough and smoke, and drink coffee and complain because you can't sleep. You know, just do things like that. Instead of going drinking booze, eat ice cream and get fat and don't know why. Just normal meeting type outfit, you know. By attraction only, they're meeting in old houses with old bars and everything.
I said, I'll call my sponsor. And I called him and he said, what have you been doing? I said, I ain't done nothing. He said, bring her over here. I said, you'll have to go talk to my sponsor. We go over there, and he had a bookstore, and he came out of the bookstore and he went into the one's-a-meal thing there, and they did the same thing to me they always do. Sit aside there, sonny, we'll handle this.
Don't say anything, just sit right there, and I'll take care of it. Big shots. Talked to her for an hour and a half. I thought, hell, I believe he's going with her. I don't even know what time we started. I don't even know whether we ought to quit or smell the flowers or go to the bathroom and mask. I don't know what. I don't even know where the watch is running. I know I'm not running very well. Now I've even forgotten where y'all were.
And I don't listen. I listened one night and got so screwed up, it took me a week to get straightened out. I just like to get out of here with a little sanity, that's all. I know I haven't got a lot, a little's all I want. I'll think where y'all were in a minute, if you'll just hold on. Or we'll quit, one way or the other. Finally he said, maybe God's going to do something for you. God, there it comes.
I knew all I had to do was just sign old Dupree's name at the motel and get her going. I know how to get her. I've been laying on caution for two years. All I've been looking for is that green light, baby, and I'm ready. One damage and all is weight. He said, we can't do anything. I said, why can't we do anything? We don't, she doesn't know anything about AA. She doesn't know anything about Al-Anon.
Remember we made an agreement. We were not going to go for the good. We were going for the very best. That's all God has for his children, the very best. You said you wanted the relationship, then we're going to go for a relationship that you have nothing to do with. God only is going to take care of it. And we know and you know that if you do not have God, AA, and Al-Anon in your home, you can't have it.
I said, what are we going to do? Nothing. I said, that's what I've been doing. I said, that's what I've been doing. She's going to have to get into Al-Anon. Without Al-Anon, no show. You cannot make it sober.
[01:15:00]
Well, when I agreed, she wasn't in the picture. So she went to Al-Anon, the first meeting, I could not keep from telling her how to go. I said, go in there and tell them your name's Eloy, don't tell them another damn thing, they don't need to know nothing else. I said, don't tell them anything about me. She went in there and said, my name's Eloy, and they said, what are you here for? And she told them she was thinking about maybe going with an alcoholic and maybe marrying him and see what happens.
And they took two meetings to tell her why she shouldn't go with an alcoholic and definitely why she shouldn't marry him. And I took her across town to an open meeting and she heard the woman alcoholic talk and she heard the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And she went back to that meeting and said, there's a program here, I want it and want to know what it's about. We converted her. It's pretty hard on religious Baptists.
She moved from that religious life to that spiritual life and had to crash just like I did, only in a different way. It wasn't too long after that that we were thrown together. They taught us how to pray together and pray separately. We were thrown together and I got the same Baptist preacher to marry me that married me in, oh, what's her name? First time we got married in the First Baptist Church, so it worked.
Second time we got married in a motel room in Texas County, Arkansas, and it worked. Six people there in a poodle and everybody cried, including the poodle. And thanks to you and to that God that loves us, I have that relationship today that only God gives one man and one woman and it's totally free. And we do have God, A.A. and Al-Anon, living in our home. She had three children, two boys who were both married.
One of them had a little daughter and the other one had a boy and a daughter. I didn't know anything about all this stuff, you know. I don't know anything about being a father. I'm trying to learn how to be a husband. I don't know anything about being a father and I don't know anything about being a grandfather. She had a daughter who was not married at the time. Her oldest son was a Southern Baptist minister.
Have you noticed I haven't exactly been able to get away from the Baptist? We didn't have to worry about seeing him for a while. He got the message that his mother had married an alcoholic and that's all he got. Came to see us about a year and a half and was nice and cool about the whole thing. But the little girl he had before they left, the fourth day, jumped up in my lap and called me Papa Jim and said she loved me.
And that broke the ice. We gave him the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the twelve and twelve. He thought when he first read the big book that he was claiming salvation. I said no, we're going to leave that up to you. They like the twelve and twelve better because it's their student type people. About two years later he called his mother and finally broke down the phone and said Mother, you're right.
I can save them but I can't keep them sober. They've been missionaries for the last two years in Venezuela and they're coming in November the fifteenth. They're coming to us, president and their daddy. The middle son didn't bother him at all. He came over with those two little things he had, which I didn't know what they were. And all he wanted to see was if his mother was okay. Was she happy? That's all he wanted to know.
But that little boy was about three and a half years old. And it appeared that they were having difficulty there. There was something wrong with it. Nobody could control it. And it looked they couldn't make it mine. And it looked like the family would be better off if it had an accident. We had a little pool there at the apartment and I thought, well, I could probably help them out there and a little accident wouldn't hurt anything, then the whole family would be better off.
And I called my sponsor first, as I'm supposed to never take any action before I check with him. And he said that's not the way grandfathers did. Four years later, that boy came to see us in Fort Worth and he loves his grandmother and she does love him. And he said, Nana, I'm going to sleep with Papa Jim tonight. I don't know where you're going to sleep. The daughter had difficulty with her boyfriend. He married somebody else.
And she started growing an old boy with long hair and a beard and smoked pot. Eloise and Al-Anon handled that beautifully even though they didn't do it right.
[01:20:07]
I had brain damage, refraining from telling them what to do. Eloise let that girl go and six months after she did, that boy cleaned up, got off that pot. They'd heard some things we'd said without us knowing it. And they'd taken some of our books and they went to work and went back to school and he got his degree. He had his first child two and a half years ago and Eloise was down there and they called me to come down.
And that girl who doesn't go see her daddy hardly anymore at all came down and handed that baby to me and said I want you to promise me that you'll see her and see us at least once every two months so this girl will know who her grandfather is. Before I came up here last weekend she had her second child and Eloise was down there and I went down there and that little two and a half year old we played together just she and I in her bedroom and her daddy came in and she says get out of here daddy Pawpaw and I are playing.
Next morning I had a little mistake I've never held a baby like that and I held that baby for about an hour and it was so sweet I didn't want to give it up it wasn't doing anything but grunting. And I waited a little long and Nia saw me and couldn't speak to me for three hours but we made up before I left. I'm glad I know I know some things about you and I today that I didn't know and I'm glad God's not going to make me live my life without knowing that I know some things once I give up trying to know I don't like the system at all I like the results of the system but I hate the system I thought God could do it a lot better if he'd use mine but he's not going to I think when I guess somebody is he changes it but I'm glad I know that I know that you and I are right on time that we didn't get hurt here early and we didn't get here late we got here right on time and I'm glad that I know that I'm a member of a group that were chosen by God himself to be his children and I'm glad that I know I know that today and I'm glad I know today that God gave you and I our ministry and some people look for their ministry all their life and if they do not find it I know I know today that they're going to miss the whole thing see my life was designed not by me and neither was you and I'm glad that I know that God designed mine just as he designed yours and he chose you just as he chose me and he chose us to be together and I'm glad to know that I know today about you and I that you and I were not to get it anywhere else we were to get it here God was highly capable of sending us anywhere he wanted to and I'm grateful today that I know that it was only he that chose us and sent us here we didn't get here any other way we didn't get here on our own or anybody else he might have used others to get us here but he sent us here to be together and I'm grateful that I know one other thing today that as long as you and I stay with one another our lives are absolutely unlimited but once we begin to leave one another our lives go back even if we don't drink but the difference is you for some reason there's no way for a man to know God no way for a man to have a relationship with God without having a relationship with his fellow man and I was a person who was incapable of having a relationship with his fellow man until I was sent to you and you tricked me into it but the difference is you thank God I stayed with you long enough that I became capable of feeling God's love and even me becoming capable at times