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Source: DICOBE-00574 – Winnie E – TEXAS AL-ANON CONV – 1980-02-16.mp3 File: dicobe-00574-winnie-e-texas-al-anon-conv-1980-02-16.mp3 Duration: 01:09:08
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Well, here I am. Hi, everybody. My name is Winnie E.. I'm the wife of an alcoholic, a member of Al-Anon, and neither one makes me happy all the time. I knew there were a lot of drunks in Texas. I met most of them before I got well, but I never thought they'd all get me in one room at one time. I'd have been kinder, I'll tell you that for sure. I always have trouble starting, and I don't want you to get afraid of that because I stop rather abruptly, but starting kind of gets to me, you know, because I don't know where to start, but it's usually at the beginning, and I want to tell you one thing right off the bat, and that is that I am not an authority on Al-Anon. I haven't got the slightest idea how it works, and I'm glad because if I knew how it worked, I'd change it. That's the story of my life, and I didn't come to Al-Anon for any of the good reasons. I didn't come because I wanted it, because I needed it, or even because I thought it could help me. I didn't know there was anything wrong with me, but I came because I'm married to a nut, and he decided to go into the hospital and do something about his drinking, which rather upset me because I had been helping him for years, and one of the conditions was that he attend Al-Anon meetings, or AA meetings rather, and at an AA meeting he heard of Al-Anon, and he heard you believe that he sat down, wrote a letter to the Al-Anon central office, and told those people there was something wrong with me. And I really came to find out what kind of people you were that you'd believe anything he said, you know, because he hadn't told the truth in years, and when I got there I didn't really stay for any of the good reasons.
I stayed because there was one woman in that group that was the nastiest female I had ever come in contact with, and I decided to out-sit her. It really wasn't so much what she said to me, because she didn't say anything. She just looked at me and she'd go, and I'm not accustomed to being treated that way. She knitted, that bothered me, because I don't knit, you know, and when people did things that I don't know how to do, it upset me because it kind of brought right to the top that there was something lacking in my development. And so if you've got a metal picture of that female with her tongue going, while her knitting needles went click, click, click, well you know why I'm here. And I didn't begin to believe that I was even sick, like they told me, you know, right off the bat. That's the first thing they say to you, is you're sick and you feel all right. But until I began to like that woman, and I went to my sponsor, and I told her, I said, you know, I think I'm beginning to like her, and she said, that's all right. That's all she ever said to me, you know, no matter what I told that woman. I could have told her I shot the Pope. She'd say, that's all right. And I said, no it's not all right. And she said, why not? And I said, because I have never changed my mind about anybody. And that's true. See, I had people in categories. There were those that you encouraged, those that you tolerated, and those that you ignored. And once I put you away, honey, you had to stay there, because I didn't know what to do with you if you got out of there, you see. And I didn't know until I'd been in Al-Anon for quite a while, you know, that I probably deprived myself of a lot of meaningful relationships, just because I didn't know how to allow people to be themselves. Now, I have a very great respect for Alcoholics Anonymous in general, and most alcoholics in particular, and I always like to give them their message first.
Because you know how they are. Sometimes they don't stick around to get it. And I'm not really sure that I have a message for them. But I talked out in Fontana, which is a small town east of where I live, and after the meeting a girl came up to me and she said, oh, where are you going to be the next time? And I said, well, I'm not sure. Why? Oh, she said, I'd love to have my husband hear you. So I figured I must have said something profound. I better find out what it is, and I asked her, do you think I could help your husband? Well, she said, not really, but after he hears you, he's gonna be glad he got me. They have their own way of putting you down, you know.
[00:05:14]
I might add that works in Alateen, too. I've sent a lot of kids home grateful. But I don't know. Anyhow, I try to follow the formula that is prescribed, a little bit about what I used to be like, what happened, and what I'm like today. Of course, in Southern California, in my particular case, I'll tell you a little bit about what I used to be like, what happened, most of them are still guessing. But because I'm very much like the alcoholic. I think I only missed it by about that much. I had to go as far as I went before I was ready for the program of Al-Anon. Because I had to find a way to be comfortable. And I thought that my comfort lay out there. I didn't know that the monster that had been chasing me most of my life had been me. I grew up in a family where there was a drinking problem, and I used to say that my father was an alcoholic, but I don't really know whether he was or not. He didn't think he was. He thought he was a social drinker. He lived a social drinker, and he died a social drinker. But he liked it, and when I wasn't helping him, he liked me, too. But when I came to Al-Anon, I could spot an alcoholic two miles away. Anybody that was going into a bar, coming out of a bar, standing in front of a liquor store, or just looking strange. To me was an alcoholic, see, because that's what I was accustomed to. Strange people. I didn't know where they came from, you know. If there was a strange one, she moved in next door to me. If I went to the grocery store, I got the strange clerk. If I went to get gas, I got the strange attendant. They were attracted to me. And in growing up, it wasn't so much what my father did that bothered me, it was what my father wouldn't do that bothered me. Because, you see, I was a born researcher, and at a very early age, I went out and began to research fathers. Now, this means that you go up and down the block, and you look at this father, and what he's doing with his kids, and this father, and what he's doing with his kids, and then you come home, and you look at yours, and he's not doing any of those things. And I made a few suggestions, but I was raised in a hard-headed Irish family, and for some reason or other, my father refused to take a few simple suggestions from his daughter, who was probably four, five, or six at the time. And so right then is when I began to get even with him. I ignored him. And it made my life very miserable, you know, because when I was away at school, I could be honest about my mother, my brothers, and my sister, but never my father. Always used to describe my father the way I wished he was, sort of a composite picture of all the good things that I thought a father ought to be.
And it made my life miserable, because it meant nobody could go home with me. Because if they did, they were gonna find out one of two things right now. The man that was living with my mother was not my father. Or that I was the biggest liar that ever came down the pike. Now, I never considered myself a liar. I looked upon myself as a diplomat, because I didn't lie, just didn't tell the truth. And I thought there was a difference. You see, I learned at a very early age that people anticipate what you're gonna say. So you lead them up to a certain point and stop. They guessed what you would have said if you'd have gone on. And they're very poor guessers, but I never felt I should be held responsible for their inadequacy. And I have trouble with that even sometimes today, because since my husband's been sober and taken an interest in my welfare, which is a nice way of saying you don't tell me to get lost as often as he used to. But if I'm going someplace that's quite a ways away, he usually volunteers to go with me. Now, this is a test of serenity, at least for me, because I'm married to the original don't know where he's going when he leaves, he don't know where he is when he gets there, and he don't know where he's been when he gets back. But if he goes with me, he directs me every step of the way, you know. And we're at opposite ends of the pole when it comes to being anything alike, because I'm married to a thinker. Sometimes he'll think two, three weeks, you know, before he answers you. Which is really one of the best memory courses I've ever taken, you know, because when he gets around to giving you the answer, he never reminds you of what it was you were talking about, he just says, yes. And so you got to remember what does that yes go with, you know.
[00:10:03]
But anyhow, I'm getting used to it, you know, I'm letting him alone. That's just the way he is. Since he's given up drinking, he's taken up dusting. That's worse than drinking, really, in a way, because he dusts around you and over you, and it gives you a feeling of being dirty or unwanted, you know. And well, I'll tell you, we were playing golf one day, and I happened to look over and he was dusting the golf cart. And I thought, you know, this is ridiculous. So I merely said when I got back in the cart, when you die, I'm going to bury you in a plastic bag. And he didn't say anything, so I didn't say anything. But about two weeks later, we were having a cup of coffee, very quiet morning, and out of a clear blue sky, he said, I don't think that was very nice. Just didn't like the bag idea, I guess. Like I say, I'm letting him do his thing now. But on the other hand, I'm one of those people that reacts immediately. If I walked in here and you were all down on your hands and knees looking for something to get right down and help you. I don't even know what you're looking for, but that's not important, see. So you put two people like that in one automobile, and you got a problem. Because you got one of them cleaning the windshield while the other one's trying to find out where they're going, you know. And so on this particular night, I was asked to come down to Chula Vista, which is down near San Diego, and I was having a moment of growth. I just couldn't face going that far with him, that's all. And I don't want to tell him I didn't want him to go, because you know how they are. You know, they kind of soak, and they get that sad look, and you spend two weeks making amends you don't even know what you've done. And so I merely said to him, I'm going to a meeting. He said okay, and I left. Only that night, I didn't get home at 1030 or a quarter of 11. It was more like a quarter of one. And when I walked in the door, there he was in my spot, with that age-old question, where the hell have you been? And without even thinking, I said to him, how far do you think it is to Chula Vista? Now he accused me of lying to him. I didn't lie to him.
You know, I didn't tell him I wasn't going to Chula Vista. And if he had said, Winnie, are you going to Chula Vista? I was willing to say yes. Are you getting the picture? If you were bright enough to ask the right question, you got the whole story. And if you weren't, you got stuck with what you thought. I might add that if you've never tried it, it doesn't, you know, it isn't all that great, because you get into a lot of trouble that way. Especially if you live in a small town.
But anyhow, my dad did have one habit that kind of slopped over into later years, and that was sleeping on the living room floor. Now it wasn't that he liked sleeping on the living room floor, it was the way it worked out. You know, he'd come home, and he'd sit down, and he'd lean down, and he'd lay down. And that was a pretty good indication he was good for the night. And my mother, being the type person she was, let me understand that's his business. You tend to your business, we should have no problems. So I used to step over him and go about my business. But what I should have done was step on him, because he bothered me on that living room floor. And when I got one of my own, they used to pick peculiar places to sleep. I didn't care if he was on the porch, the lawn, I would have preferred something like the freeway out here, you know. Because he had a double indemnity clause in his insurance. That was one of the first games that Eddie and I ever played, you know. I kept paying the premiums, and he kept taking vitamins with his beer. But I couldn't stand him on the living room floor. And I can remember to this minute, taking him by the heels, you know. And I'd pull him, and his head bounced. I loved it when his head bounced. There's something about that thud that makes you feel good deep down inside, you know. Because I wanted to hurt him the way I thought he was trying to hurt me. And drunk as he was, you know, he'd say, I'm mad at me. You're mad at your father. And I had a standard answer, compared to you, my father was a Boy Scout. Now the tragedy of that is that that's what I tried to live with. You see, a long time ago, probably farther back than I'll ever admit to, I began to be disenchanted with reality.
And so when something occurred in my life that I didn't know how to handle, I just pretended that it wasn't there. And playing let's pretend when you're four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and 10 years old is okay. But if you put it into practice, like I did, until I You put it into practice like I did, until I came to Al-Anon, and you're anything like I am, you end up in a nightmare.
[00:15:05]
Reality is something that I could not handle. I don't know what happened to the man that I met, fell in love with, and permitted to marry me, but as soon as he was mine, I decided to help him. I wanted to help him become what I knew he wanted to be for my sake. I'm not well enough yet to define that for you, but I will tell you something that I didn't tell him, and that is that my help is deadly. I had friends that wouldn't tell me they were in trouble for fear I'd help them.
Because I have that natural ability to louse it up. And of course, Eddie and I ceased to be friends. When we got married, we became competitors. He spent his life trying to outwit me, and I spent my life trying to outwit him, and the upshot of the whole thing is we ended up a couple of halfwits. But he was in the Navy, he was a professional man, he was a full lieutenant, and I didn't go into this blindly, which is one of the mysteries of my life, how I could get into so much trouble when I always planned things, you know, right down to the last most minute detail.
And the Navy was no exception. I researched the Navy, and I happened to come across the table of operations, and I noticed that there were only a couple of lines between what he was and what I decided to help him become, which was Admiral. I knew they only had one Admiral in the Dental Corps, but I didn't know, you know, it didn't look like such a tough job. I only had one man in mind for the job. But if I had been even halfway smart, I would have joined the Navy myself, because I showed up every day.
Now, he only showed up when the Spirit moved him, which wasn't too often, and I would have made a marvelous shore patrolman, because I have a little bird dog in me, I think, and when I'd show up and find out he hadn't shown up, just put my nose to the ground and away I'd go, and sooner or later I'd find him. Of course, by the time I found him, he was usually in no shape for me to let anybody else find him, so that's when I used to hide him.
He played hide-and-seek for years. He didn't even know there was a game going on. But one of the places that I usually tell about where I used to hide him happened down in the Long Beach Naval Station. They had a mock submarine just inside the sentry gate, and I came across Lloyd John in front of this mock submarine at the exact moment that I spotted his commanding officer coming from the opposite direction.
And I had just told this man one of my better stories, which meant I had to get rid of him. I mean, you can understand that. He was living proof that I hadn't told the whole story. And the only place I had to put him was in that submarine. Now, you have to remember that Eddie had gotten conditioned to me. You see, when I came to Al-Anon, I had one of the greatest pitching arms in the business. I could throw a full six-pack of beer farther than he had strength enough to retrieve it.
So if I was around and he had a six-pack of beer, he'd hold it, you know, like he was evading the enemy. And so getting him into this sub, you know, wasn't as hard as it sounds. I just helped him up, and he fell down. But getting him out was a horse of another color, you see, because he didn't trust me, and he wouldn't hand me the beer. And I have many times since wondered what that sentry thought of that female, half in, half out of the conning tower of that darn submarine, finally coming up with this lieutenant commander holding his beer in his hand.
He didn't know whether he was going up or down, you know, because I used to go on that base like I owned it in my housecoat and my curlers. I don't really believe the alcoholic fully appreciates what we give up in order to help them. You know, in my particular case, it was dressing. Of course, I always had a choice. I could go to bed in whatever I was going to wear the next day, but you don't have that fresh feeling you get, you know, with one of them old housecoats.
And of course, mine had double duty. It was a Chanel number. And when I'd get nervous, I'd pluck it. I sometimes think I was responsible for the first shag rug. But anyhow, after my husband came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt I had to help him with the program. I wasn't sure he was bright enough to get what they said they were willing to give him. And so I would go to every meeting, and I had a little notebook,
[00:20:01]
and I would jot down a few of the pertinent things that applied to his peculiar case. And then I'd spoon feed him during the week, you know. Well, if they had an examination, I wanted him to be able to pass. And I heard two things that are worse than drinking. There's a lot of things worse than drinking. Sobriety, for instance. I sometimes think it's easier to watch him throw up than it is to go up, because…
But anyhow, one of the things was sleep teaching. I got myself a big A.A. book, and every night, just as Eddie would go to sleep, I would open it to Chapter 5, and I would read to him. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Dummies slept through the whole thing. I memorized the whole fifth chapter. And sometimes when we go to an A.A. meeting outside our own area, you know, where people don't really know which one is which, it's always me they come up to, you know.
I say, keep coming back, honey, it works. I'll tell you. I heard an A.A. fellow talk a few months ago, and he said that one of the reasons that he had difficulty getting into Alcoholics Anonymous was because they didn't look like alcoholics. And he figures that in the 15 years that he's been around the program, he has met in the neighborhood of probably a quarter of a million alcoholics. And of those, only ten really looked like they were alcoholics.
And they turned out to be Al-Anons. So if you've got a question, that's where you're starting from. Anyhow, the other thing I heard was that you can't get drunk if you're grateful. Now, right after I came to Al-Anon, they removed from my vocabulary a few of my better sayings, such as, you had better not be drunk tonight. If I smell liquor on your breath, your clothes will be on the porch. My neighbors thought I was some kind of a fresh air nut.
I put them out every night, brought them in every morning, you know. But they wouldn't let me say that, and so I had to find some way to get the message across and still stay within the narrow confines of this organization. And so I latched right on to that gratitude bit, you know. And every morning when Eddie would leave to go to the office, I would say, remember, today be grateful. And he'd say, for what?
So I used to give him things to be grateful for. And I wasn't really all that grateful myself, but I happened to remember this game of hide-and-seek that we used to play. So I explained to him, because I'm a great explainer. I don't know about anybody else, but I've never been able to say yes or no without explaining it, you know. I've had people ask me directions that, walked away, preferred to be lost.
But, anyhow, I explained to him that when he did excessive drinking, it had been necessary for me to put him in some rather out-of-the-way places. And I'd never lost him. So be grateful, you know. Well, those were the days. I guess you know how I felt then. When he came home and announced he had resigned from the Navy. I was like somebody that had lost a business, you know. Because I was smart enough to realize that it was kind of difficult to make an admiral out of him when he was in, but when he got out, it was impossible.
And I began to try to figure out, what am I going to do with him? You know, because for some strange, peculiar reason, I had assumed the responsibility for doing something with him. Now, in my opinion, and that's all I'm offering tonight, but in my opinion, I believe that as my husband became addicted to alcohol, I became addicted to him. Because during those days, those early days when we were married, I used to like to go to the cocktail parties.
I enjoyed having fun. I enjoyed drinking. But as his drinking became excessive, it became more important for me to know what he was doing than it was for me to enjoy myself and have a good time. So when he got out of the Navy, you know, I never really wanted him to quit drinking. I wanted him to mind. You know, because I was going to help him, and he just wouldn't let me. But anyhow, I got to wondering what I was going to do with him, and while I was trying to figure it out, I happened to remember his mother.
I didn't like his mother. I didn't have any particular reason except she was his mother. She just always showed up at the wrong time. You know, I'd get him grooved so I could plan my day.
[00:25:00]
You start doing the things that you have to do. Well, for instance, in the evening, you start peeling the potatoes. You start looking for him. You finally find him. You get him home. Usually you can have dinner by 8 if you're lucky. When his mother would come out, he'd come home at 4.30. I don't know what to do with him until 8 o'clock, you know. But anyhow, she was a person that didn't believe in drinking anything.
Coffee, tea, or milk. And so it suddenly dawned on me, that's his problem. You see, he hadn't been raised in a social drinking family such as mine. So he didn't know how to drink, and I decided to teach him. Have you ever tried to teach a drunk how to drink? You got one big problem. You got to get him sober enough to find out if he's learning anything that you're teaching him. So in order to do that, I decided to get him out of California because I hated California.
To me, it was one large bar separated by an occasional liquor store. And I wanted to get him back to the Middle West where people are really people. That's where I'm from, you see. And that decision lasted, I would say, maybe five, six hundred, well, until we got to Gallup, New Mexico. And I spent three of the most miserable days of my life in that God-forsaken place because he got into a bar that I was afraid to follow him into.
Now, from where I was sitting, he and a tribe of Indians went in. And I know what Indians and fire water do when they get mixed up together. And I wasn't going to get scalped in that God-forsaken place. So I sat outside and waited. Never dawned on me there was a back door, you know. He went in the front door, out the back door, wherever he wanted to go, in the back door, out the front door, and there was Old Faithful spouting right where he'd left her, you know.
And I always like to mention the little Indian squaw that was standing in front of that place that time because I think she was my first contact with that certain something that I found in Al-Anon. In AA, they call it the unspoken language, but in Al-Anon, I believe it's the language of the heart. This is the only place in my life that I have ever been where I can feel what somebody else is saying, where I can watch somebody for the first time walk through the door of an Al-Anon meeting, and I don't have to ask her who she is, where she came from, what she does, or anything else.
All I have to do is look in her eyes. And when I see in her eyes that same hopelessness that I watched in the mirror for so long, I know where she's coming from. I think a girl in Montreal really summed it up better than I have ever been able to. She was living down in Los Angeles and I had an opportunity to talk to her. And we were exchanging how we handled meetings in our respective areas. And she said, In Canada, they have greeters.
And she said, You know, Winnie, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I was so upset that when I walked in and the girl put her hand out and said, My name is Mary. She said, I couldn't tell her who I was. All I could say to her was, I've been to hell and back. And she said, You know, she never even batted an eye. She just smiled sweetly and said, Well, isn't it strange then that we've never met before?
Because that's the way it is. At least that's the way it was for me. I put every brick in that road of unhappiness that I traveled. And it wasn't until I came to Al-Anon that I found out who the Master Mason was. But I was a long way from Al-Anon and Gallup, New Mexico. I looked over at that little Indian and I thought these poor, ignorant people, that she would allow herself to be degraded by standing in front of that place.
I'm across the street making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for five children, but she looks strange to me. Second day she looked pretty good, and the third day I kind of liked her, you know. She had her side of the street and I had mine. But while I was there, of course, I had to make one of my many decisions. My life's been one decision after another. And I decided that I would never again stop where the human race could contaminate my husband.
Now, if you're driving cross-country in an automobile and you don't intend to stop, you have to make adjustments. And some darn fool had told me that Texas has dry counties. So that's the adjustment I made. I mapped out a course so that I never stopped unless I was in a dry county. Now, he didn't do any good. He got just as drunk in a dry one as he would have in a wet one. But when you're going crazy on a slow, easy plan, this can help, you know, because you can spend hours wondering, where did he get it?
I don't know where he got it. I know today… I don't know where he got it. I know today that if I'd have locked him in a closet, he'd have come out drunk.
[00:30:00]
I don't know where they get it. Of course, my kids think Texas is the biggest place on earth, you know. It took us almost two weeks to get through it. What this dummy didn't tell me was that they put one dry one between two wet ones, you know. And I just kept driving back and forth across Texas. It was sort of an unwritten law as far as my kids were concerned. If she stops and you've got anything to do, get out, get it done, and get back. She'll never miss you.
And that's about the way it was. See, I concentrated on that seat. And if it was full, we went. If it was empty, we waited. See how simple it is? Of course, God alone knows how much travel time we lost when he got in the back by mistake, because I never looked back there, you know. And I can depend on those kids not saying anything, you know, because one of their favorite sayings was, Don't upset her.
In the beginning, that kind of hurt me, you know. But actually, and here again, it's only my opinion, but I don't believe my kids reacted to the alcoholic. My kids reacted to my reaction to the alcoholic. Because Eddie came home drunk lots of times, and he did lots of strange things. But they knew he was drunk, and they knew he was strange. But how do you explain me? You know, I'm running the whole thing. I don't know where I am half the time.
In fact, I had one son. I couldn't keep that kid in school. Take him to school, he'd beat me home. And after I got to go into Al-Anon, and he got to go into Al-Ateen, and we could talk as people instead of God and the little child, you know, which is the way it had been. And I asked him one day, I said, Billy, why wouldn't you go to school? Didn't you like school? He said, sure I did, Mom, but I thought you'd move. Well, I was gone.
And you know, that can be a real fear for a kid. But anyhow, I finally got to Harrisburg, Illinois, which was a place I chose very carefully. It was my mother-in-law's hometown. It didn't like her, but it didn't mind using her. And she had gotten herself elected secretary of the WCTU, and I figured, what's a better place to teach a drunk how to drink than underneath the nose of the Women's Christian Temperance Union?
And so when Eddie asked, could he take his car down and have it serviced, which is one thing about my husband, let's give the devil his due, you know, he always asked my permission before he did as he damned pleased. And I had the car keys, the checkbook, the credit card. I had everything. And I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him. So I made that magnanimous gesture, and of course he repaid me as he always did by coming home drunker than I had ever seen him before.
Now, I had no quarrel with the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease because my husband was always drunker than I'd ever seen him before. A couple of times he protested his innocence, but you know, when you watch a man walk through the door in the morning, and you say to yourself, that bum will be drunk when he gets home. So you don't wash the dishes, you don't make the beds, you don't sweep, you don't do anything except plan.
How you can make his life miserable for what you know he's doing to you. Now, if he comes home sober and you admit it, you're crazy. Because you don't have anybody else to blame for the way the place looks, you know. But on this day, he was pretty loaded, so while I was packing, I happened to remember, being a native-born Missourian, that Kansas is a dry state. But don't you believe it. Everything they drink in Missouri, they must haul over from Kansas, with due respect.
Because we were there less time than we were in Illinois until he found a bar within walking distance, because naturally I took the car away from him, just like you would any other ten-year-old child that you're taking care of. And so every day he would walk down to this place, and it kind of tickled me. After he got sober, he told me that he had to pass the Catholic Church on this little jaunt. Now, I'm Catholic, but he's not. In fact, for years I thought I was doing penance for marrying that Methodist.
Anyhow, he took the time to go into that church, light a candle, and say a prayer for me. And then he noticed a sign that said the candle cost a quarter, and he didn't want to spend a quarter, so he blew it out. And I have never had nerve enough to ask him was he praying for me or against me. You know, because that's about the time the fun started. Now, in my opinion again, I believe that the non-alcoholic is by far sicker than the alcoholic.
Because you take a drunk to a meeting, and you get him sober, and right now you're going to see the difference. But you take someone like me, perfect, never did anything that I couldn't explain if I had enough time,
[00:35:01]
devoted my life to my family, to my community, to my children, to the Red Cross, to the Navy Relief, to the DAR, anything I could get my hands on, really. And tell me I'm sick. How can you be sick and do what I did? Or that I have to change? How do you improve on perfect? And that's what I was. Miserable? Sure. Perfectly miserable. Nothing upset me like a good day. You know, when everything goes right.
Here, not too awfully long ago, in fact, about last week, my telephone was out of order and I almost went crazy. Because one of my biggest decisions is, will I answer it today or not? You know, and when the darn thing was out of order, I didn't have a chance to exercise my rights since I've been in Al-Anon. But anyhow, I always kind of laugh when I hear people talk about being perfect. Because just sort of to myself, I think, boy, I've been there, honey, and it ain't all that great.
You get up there, you don't have nobody to talk to, you know, because there's only one perfect in the whole world. And if you're rich, you're lonesome. But anyhow, the other reason that I believe the non-alcoholic is sicker is because occasionally when Eddie would quit drinking, I would begin to wonder, how did I stop him? And I would go over every minute detail. And while I'm trying to figure out what stopped him, he'd start again.
Now I've got to figure out how I started him, so if I ever stop him, I'll never start him again, you see? Over and over and over again. Well, anyhow, he quit drinking all of a sudden. And that's the way he usually did it, you know, he'd just stop. And I had decided to help him become a millionaire. And I didn't want to tell him when I had mine because, you know, I didn't want him to louse it up, which was usually the way he did it.
So I just picked out a small unsuspecting town in the state of Missouri that needed a dentist. I went down to see a friend of my father's who, unfortunately for him, was in the dental supply business. And I talked that man into giving me $17,000 worth of dental equipment. I had one of the most beautiful dental offices you have ever seen. And I had patients too. But I had no dentist. Because while I was busy setting up that office and doing all those things that you have to do, he'd found the one place I overlooked when I canvassed that town.
A bar called Blondie's. My husband always went in for those exotic places, you know. And he was only out of that bar and in that office once, to the best of my recollection. And that's when a man came in that I decided to help. So I went down to Blondie's. Now, I don't know about you, but I used to take on kind of a crazy hattie look. You know, my hair would stand right straight up. It wasn't so much that my eyes came out, but my skin went back.
And I had a kind of a ferocious look. And I dared him, you know, not to come with me. And he's not the world's bravest man. He came with me and we walked into that office and this jerk says, Listen, Doc, I'm allergic to Novocaine. But I got my own anesthesia. So he had a drink. He gave the dentist a drink. They pulled a tooth and they both went back to Blondie's. And that's when I made up my mind that that town could suffer.
I wouldn't help them. And yet tonight, as I have been many other days and nights of my life, I'm grateful that drunk as he was, sick as he was, he had more emotional stability than I had cold sober. Because, you see, those people weren't really people to me. I didn't care whether he helped them or whether he didn't. I don't really think in the final analysis that I really cared whether I helped him or not.
In my own sick, inimitable way, I was trying to help me. Because, you see, I was one of those people, just as Dottie said earlier today, that was raised on all those clichés. Behind every successful man there's a good woman. Been a good woman all my life. Couldn't find a successful man. And success, that was always the crowning thing. Success, you've got to be a success. How can you be a success? You don't even know what a success is.
I know today. I know today that success, at least for me, is not out there. It isn't something that you invite people over to, drive them around the block in, or wear to a party. Success for me today is the ability to get up in the morning, walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and know who I am. To be able to come right here tonight, stand before you and say, and know who I'm talking about. Because, you see, for most of my life I never had an identity.
I only had a name. I was either somebody's daughter, somebody's wife, somebody's mother, somebody's sister, somebody's something. And I'll tell you, when we had family reunions, I was a mess. Because I had to be all these different people all at one time.
[00:40:04]
Well, now, when I left California, I was expecting a baby. I have eight altogether. You'd have to count them as they creep in, because I was always surprised. So was Eddie when he got sober. He thought I was babysitting. I knew when I left California I was expecting a baby, but I always lived on a schedule. You make the beds at 7 o'clock, which isn't easy. They don't get up till 8. And you come on down with all these other impossible things, and having a baby was way down at the bottom, you know, because when you have five, a baby's no big deal.
And besides, I'd been busy. You know, I had a dental office and all these other things. But it was getting kind of close to the time, so I went up to Kansas City to see a doctor. And I don't know whether you realize it or not, but doctors are very happy people. Most of them are glad you're sick, but they're happy, you know. And I got the joy boy of the whole bunch. This man was just delighted with me.
Patted me on the back, smoothed my hair, and then hit me with a bat. Mrs. Eddie, you're going to have twins. Almost died in his office. Because I wasn't really counting on one, he's insisting on two. And I got problems. I got a dental office with no dentist, plus five, and that thing, I don't know what to do with. And besides, I knew what Eddie was going to say when I told him, because he said it. There are no twins in my family.
I got so involved defending my moral character that I forgot there were twins in my family. You know, it wasn't until after the twins arrived and my mother said, isn't it nice we have another set of twins? I said, in whose family? She said, ours. I said, well, why didn't you tell me? She said, you never ask me. But that's no big deal. I never ask anybody anything. You think of a better way to let people know that you don't know something than to ask them?
You know, even when I was lost, I'd drive into a filling station, and I would say to the attendant, where are you located? Because I knew if I found out where he was, I'd know where I was. So anyhow, at the appointed time, I went into the hospital. And here again, hospitals are very happy places. You know, there are people that are happy they got there. Some of them are happy. Everybody's happy. And I'd been happy once, but it hadn't worked out well.
So I really didn't want what they had. And as soon as I was able, I had a phone put in. And when I thought I was getting happy, I'd just pick up that phone and call the office. Now, I knew that Eddie wasn't going to answer the phone. I wasn't even sure he knew there was a phone in there. But the point I'm trying to make is I don't need him to make me miserable. Or you, or them out there, or anybody, really.
All I have to have is a little time to think. To wonder, where is he? And what is he doing? Oh, I lie here. Fifteen minutes. You're having hysterics, you know. The nurse don't know what happened to you. You haven't even had a visitor. And you look like you've been run over by a truck. You know, because I never thought of my husband being out with the boys, never. Mine was always out with the girls.
Those pretty sweet, lovable things you find in them damn dirty bars, you know. The ones that looked like me before this happened. And then if you like to be right, and you're like me, you find a mirror, and you're right. You look like someone who's left over from a bad Halloween party, you know. Because contrary to the popular belief, getting a miter is not easy. That's a 24-hour-a-day concentrated effort.
Or you don't get the look. You know, you're going to have circles down to here. Preferably with bags. Tear stains that are kind of worn in, you know. And if you stay up long enough, and you drink enough coffee, and you smoke enough cigarettes, you get the big one. That twitch. I used to have a priest friend that I invited over periodically, you know, to bless the house. And I really believe that the reason the man quit coming was I always served him tea.
That's what they taught me in school, you know, how to pour tea. And every time, it just seemed like every time he got there, he'd get one of those attacks, you know. And when I'd start to fill his cup, I'd go right like that, you know. When I'd start to fill his cup, I'd go right like that, and the poor man left my house every time with a wet lap, and I guess he just decided not to come back.
[00:45:00]
Well, can you imagine giving up all that for this? That's what I had to do. I told you that I was grateful that Eddie wrote that letter. I'm also grateful that God, as I understand Him today, sent to me a sponsor who had the patience of Job. Because I wasn't an easy nut to crack. You know, the first day she came out, she found the front door nailed shut. I had to. I was in no shape to cover two doors.
And, uh, the car was in the driveway, the coffee pot was boiling on the stove, she came in, turned off the coffee, and you hooed me a couple of times, but she'd never found me. It took her three years to get up enough nerve to ask me where I was hiding, and by that time I was too well to remember. But, uh, she went next door, and she asked this little old lady whether or not Mrs. Eddie was at home.
And this little old lady says, well, even if she is… She thought I was crazy, you know? And I resented that, because I never bothered that woman. Once we almost got trapped in the backyard together, and I hid in the bushes till she went in. You know, I didn't feel she had the right to make that kind of a statement, you know? And, uh, and my kids never bothered her. I mean, I didn't forbid my kids to go over there, because I believe that forbidding children to do things leaves scars on them.
So, I used psychology. You know, tell them the story of Hansel and Gretel, and let them make up their own minds. You want to end up in an oven? Go on over there. But, uh… I think she scared Wilma, because when she came back that night, she had a friend with her. They always called on me in pairs, you know? One of them would kind of stand by the door. And I know that she had instructions, if she gets me, you go.
But, uh, I always got my kids to bed on a production basis. You know, everybody in the tub, everybody washed, rinsed, out, dry, dressed, in bed, so mother can worry. And, uh, Wilma came between the drying and the dressing process. And all of a sudden, here's this strange female, and she's just drying like mad, you know? I knew she was in the wrong place, but I was, well, I was going to help her. Look where it got me, you know?
And I wasn't afraid for the children, because I knew if she bothered them, they'd bite her, so let her dry. But she talked incessantly. Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon Family Group. I didn't even know they lived in the neighborhood. She finally said the magic word, drunks. I knew why she was there. She needed me. That's what she said, and she had a whole bunch of friends that needed me. And she was going to get them all together, and I was going to help them as a group.
At least I think that's what she said. But the funny thing is that when she went out that night, whatever she brought in with her, left with her. And I gave her just time enough to get home. And then I called her and told her that something very important had come up. I would be unable to attend the meeting she was scheduling. Now, I hadn't even done anything unimportant for a long time, but I couldn't let her find that out.
I couldn't let her know how unimportant I was. And that should have been the first chink in the armor. Because, you see, if she found out, then I'd know. And that was the first time that I should have begun to realize that I never hid from you. I hid from me. Somewhere way, way back, I got the idea that I wasn't going to measure up to what I thought you thought I ought to be. And so I built a wall.
A wall to keep you from finding out what I was really like. And unfortunately, I got lost behind that wall. A wall that made me so lonesome that when I came to Al-Anon, I had no feelings. I didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I didn't care. I was biding my time. And that's all I had, was time. Now, when I went to my first meeting, I dressed very carefully. I wore the traditional black we use at wakes. And I hope I never forget that first meeting.
I don't ever want to be an old-timer on this program. Because I was an old-timer when I got here. I'm a hundred years younger than I was then. But I want to remember one day at a time what it's like out there without people like you. Because without you, I can't live out there. You are the ones who keep me in a state of mind that helps me one day at a time to be the best person that I know how to be.
I didn't have an easy time with this program because I tried to rewrite it right from the very beginning. And my sponsor did make one mistake. She said, in Al-Anon, we use the same steps they use in Alcoholics Anonymous. So that's the way I worked them. The first one said I was powerless over alcohol, which was ridiculous.
[00:50:01]
And that my life had become unmanageable, which it wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for him. So I figured that must be for him, so I left it for him. The second one had an unfortunate word. It said, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Now, if you analyze that, you've got to be nuts to be restored, right? I wasn't, but he was. So I left that one for him, too.
The third one suggested that I turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. Well, I understood him. He didn't understand me, but I understood him. And I wasn't about to turn my life over to him. And I didn't hate Eddie enough to turn him over either, so I skipped that one for both of us. But I loved the fourth one, because it says, take a fearless and searching moral inventory.
I didn't even see of yourself, you know, because I only read as far as it was necessary. And I had kind of a running diary of all the mean, lousy, low-down things that Eddie had ever done to me. And so I jotted down a few of the better ones, and I'm ready for the fifth step. You see how simple this program is? My sponsor told me it was simple. Of course, she did say, if you're stupid, it takes a little longer, but I didn't know she was talking about me.
But anyhow, I had a list of names. Norm mentioned it last night, that nickel therapy. That was a great, great thing for me, you know. I had this list of names of people who unsuspectingly gave me their telephone numbers. And I started right at the top. I wanted to share with them all. And that's when I found out what great cooks there are in Al-Anon, you know, because I'd just get started on this fifth step, and this female would say, I have something on the stove.
And away she'd go, see. I got clear down to the last name that happened to be the one I didn't like. And I wasn't going to call her until I figured out maybe it'll ruin her day, so I called her. And got about halfway through the first little segment, and she said, Winnie, I just don't have the time for that crap. Well, I hung up on her. I hadn't even gotten to the anonymity, so I didn't say anything about that.
I just called my sponsor, and I gave her the first, the last names, and the telephone numbers of members of this organization that were not complying with the rules and regulations as they had been stipulated to me. And I asked her to refer it to the membership committee. And I guess she figured I was ripe or ready or whatever because she said, Winnie, please, do us both a favor. Take the word alcohol out of the first step.
Put your name in there and work that step. A long time ago, but even right here right now, when I say I'm powerless over Winnie and my life has become unmanageable. I may never get honest enough to tell you all the things that brings to my mind, but that's not the name of the game. The point is that it tells me who louses up my life, and it's not you, and it's not him, and it's not them. It's me. Because you see, I wouldn't allow you to deprive me of the fun and the love that I share with my grandchildren today that I took away from myself in my relationship with my own children.
I'm just grateful that God, as I understand Him today, has given me a second chance to enjoy that love and companionship. I had a terrible time with the second one. I was around asking people hypothetical questions. I'd give them a little segment, and I'd say, you think that's crazy? And I was getting all the wrong answers. So I went to my mother, because a girl should always be able to count on her mother.
And I said, do you think it's crazy to take two cars to the grocery store? And she said, no, I don't think it's crazy, I think it's impossible. I said, no, it's not. You take the first one, you go two blocks down the street, park it, come back and get the second one, go two blocks past the first one, come back and get the first one, go two blocks… It takes about three hours to get a loaf of bread.
But you can do it. She said, and it is crazy. So I had to begin to maybe realize that maybe the things I was doing weren't crazy-crazy like I thought crazy-crazy was, but it wasn't quite all there either, you know. The third one I still had a lot of trouble with. In fact, my sponsor like drove me up a wall, you know. Something would happen, something traumatic, and I would tell her about it. And she would say, turn it over.
Never told me to whom. And I figured, well, you take the anonymity, pretty soon I'll be here long enough, she'll finally tell me who the heck it is you turn it over to. But I'd been around for quite a while, and I was still getting that turn it over. And so one day I asked her. I said, who do you want me to turn it over to? And she said, God, as you understand it. Not on your life. I said, I'm beginning to feel a little bit better every day, and I do not intend to allow God to louse it up for me.
[00:55:03]
You see, because I've had people praying for me for years. I got to where when they'd say, Winnie, we're praying for you, I'd say, please don't. Because I figured, here he is sitting up there, and somebody down here says, remember poor Winnie? And he says, I sure do. And so I wasn't going to give him a second chance, you see. But this made her unhappy. And I liked this woman. This was a very special person to me, and I didn't want her to be unhappy.
So I began to wonder, what could I turn over to him that he couldn't louse up that would make her happy? And finally one day I called her on the phone, and I said, Wilma, And finally one day I called her on the phone, and I said, Wilma, I've decided to turn something over to God. She said, fine. What are you turning over? I said, my ironing. She says, your ironing? I said, yes. Now I used to keep my ironing neatly folded in a kind of a linen closet affair so that if I ever got the urge, it was ready.
Now you may not believe this, but after I turned it over to God, it slopped out of the cabinet, it ended up in boxes, the boxes ended up in the rumpus, it was the biggest mess you've ever seen. And I never let an opportunity go by. When Wilma would come to my house, I would say, Have you seen the ironing? And she'd give me the old routine. All right. So I figured if it don't bother her and it don't bother God, it won't bother me.
One night I went to an AA meeting. A man came up to me after the meeting and he said, Winnie, you got a bunch of kids, don't you? And I said, yes. He said, well, I go to an orphanage down in Mexico, and those little kids could really use anything that perhaps your kids have outgrown. So I promised him faithfully. I would go right home, I would get them all together, he could have them at any time. But I am a procrastinator by nature.
And by morning, he didn't follow me home, I forgot he asked me. And sometime after that, and I'm not exactly sure of how long, but anyhow, I came home from an AA meeting, and then he said, Bill was by and picked up the stuff for the orphanage. I said, he did? He said, yeah. I said, where'd you get it? He said, the boxes in the rumpus room. Oh. That was my ironing. And I want you to know that from that day to this, I have had no problems turning things over to God.
Because my God, as I understand Him, has some of the most unique solutions. I never would have thought of sending it to Mexico. And besides that, he made me look good. But I don't tell that to be blasphemous. Because my relationship with God, as I understand Him today, is a very warm, close relationship. But I don't really believe He expects me to cry. I think He finally led me to a place where I could hold my head up, where I could laugh, and where I could be happy.
And I think it makes Him as happy as I am. And I think it makes Him as happy to hear me laugh as it makes me to hear you laugh. Because every time I tell that story about the ironing, and I hear a snicker here and there, I know who don't iron. One of the first speakers I ever heard in Al-Anon was a gal that always started her talk off by saying, my name is Fran, and I love an alcoholic. And I wanted to knock her down.
You know, I mean, getting stuck with one is one thing. But to get up there and brag about it, I thought that was a little risqué even for this type of organization. And so at the next meeting, they always ask the newcomer to share, you know, what she thought. And I was a perennial newcomer, and so I shared very honestly that I didn't think they should allow the sick ones to get up there. And just because of that honest observation, them females gave me an assignment.
I was to go home, take Eddie's hand, and say, Eddie, I love you. That's all. I said, you're kidding. No, that's what you have to do. And would you believe it took me three months to do it? And I didn't do it then because I wanted to. I did it because every time I went at that darn meeting… It was then, because I wanted to. I did it because every time I went at that darn meeting, one of them females would say, Haven't you done it yet?
And I didn't know how to sidestep a yes or no answer, you know? And I didn't dare lie to them, because I'd seen people come in there that just disappeared. I didn't know what they did to them.
[01:00:03]
So, uh… One night, um… One night after the light was out, I reached over and I took Eddie's hand and I said, Eddie, I love you. He sat right straight up in bed. He said, What the hell's the matter with you now? Which is not life's most romantic answer, I might tell him. But I thought it was a romantic answer. Which is not life's most romantic answer, I might tell him. But I found out something I couldn't have found out any other way.
I found out for the first time, that no matter how many times he tells me, no matter how many ways he tries to prove it, no matter to what extremes he goes to convince me of how he feels about me, if I'm not in the mood, he's wasting his time. Because I control that button. And he could be telling me the absolute truth, and if I did not want to believe it, it would be a lie. But at the same time, I found out how I feel about him.
And that's why tonight, when I say, My name is Winnie Eddie and I love an alcoholic, that is reality. Now that don't mean he don't drive me up a wall. Because he does. But at least now I know I'm climbing. I hope and pray, that for his sake, that it's never necessary for him to take another drink. But I also add in that prayer, to the God that I understand today, or hopefully understand, that if it should become necessary for him, that I will be able to allow him the dignity to live his life the way he wants to.
Only in that way have I been able to find freedom in my own life. And I love that feeling of being free. The same thing that I used to envy in oh so many people. I've had lots of people ask me why I continue to go to Al-Aman when I am so well. And I tell them the very absolute truth. Because I always get something from every meeting that I attend. We have a little game, Eddie and I still play games, you know, and it's that sort of a thing, he looks at me, you know, and he'll say, You could stand a game of golf.
Which means, he wants to play, he's got nobody to play with. And so I play the game. I always tell him, well, I'd love to. But I was going to clean the icebox or the back porch or the refrigerator, you know, something that he's wanted me to do that I've been putting off. And so we bandied that back and forth and then he capitulated, which always makes me happy. He goes off and plays golf. I'm stuck with the refrigerator, the oven, the back porch, and the bedroom.
And I didn't like it, but I didn't know how to stop it. And one night I was at a meeting. And I heard this girl say, Whenever Paul asks me to do something that I really don't want to do, I merely say, I'd rather not. I like that. It had a kind of a classy tone to it, you know. And a few nights later I went to another meeting in another area, and there she is. She says the very same thing. Whenever Paul asks me to do something I really don't want to do, I merely say, I'd rather not.
Now, I figured it out. I've been in two different places. I turned this problem over to God. He sent this female two different places to give me the answer. So the next time Eddie looked at me and said, You could stand a game of golf. I looked him right in the eye. And I said, I'd rather not. He said, What the hell do you mean you'd rather not? I said, I really don't know. And that's all Maxine ever told Paul.
But it worked. And all these little things that I have picked up from now on, from time to time, they all work. All I have to do is use them. And that's what I try to do one day at a time. Now, I would like to close with a little poem that I close with every time that I talk. And it may not mean a thing to you, which is okay with me. I'm not here because I think I can help you. I'm better, you know, than I used to be.
But it means a lot to me because the first time I ever heard it, I had a mental picture of my kids when they used to come to me with their yo-yo. You know, they'd have the yo-yo clutched in this hand and the string attached to this hand. And then they'd say, Come on, Mom, get the knot out of the middle.
[01:05:03]
And there wasn't a way in the world that I could get the knot out unless they handed me the yo-yo. And maybe that's why this little poem means so much to me. And it goes like this. As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend, I took my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. But then, instead of leaving him in peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried, How can you be so slow? My child, he said, What could I do? You never did let go. And so if I don't leave anything else in Texas, I hope you try to remember that if one day at a time you let go, and you let the love that you have shared right here over this weekend be a part of your life one day at a time, you've got the recipe for a good day. Thank the committee for asking me to come down and share with you.
And thank you, God, for allowing me to make amends to Texas. God bless. Thank you. Thank you, Winnie. You left much more in Texas than letting go. As I was sitting up here tonight, I was thinking about when I was new in Alamon and I was told that when I could learn to laugh, I would get well. And I want to tell you something. I saw a room full of people getting well tonight thanks to Winnie. I want to announce that we will have a reception in the hospitality room as soon as this meeting is over.
And the night hour meeting will begin at 10.15 instead of the time that's on your program. In closing, I would like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest. The things you heard were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind.
A few special words to those of you who haven't been with us long. Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you.
After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you. Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, peace, and love of the program grow in you one day at a time. Will all who care to please join me with the Lord's Prayer.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.