Audio
Transcript
Source: DICOBE-00481 – Jim W – CORNHUSKER RNDP III – 1980-08-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00481-jim-w-cornhusker-rndp-iii-1980-08-15.mp3 Duration: 01:05:20
============================================================
Jim W. I can't believe y'all came on a Saturday afternoon, but football is not for two weeks, it is, huh? I'd like to thank Dick and Peggy. They found out about one of my defects of character. I only just put off so I could think about you every day, telling you when I was coming. And the committee for inviting me, and I especially would like to thank you for inviting the wives along with us. That really means a lot to me.
Since I finally got it together, it took me a couple of minutes to get that together. I am Jim W., and I'm an alcoholic. Hell, that works. Still, my wife always says, I can't understand how you alcoholics are so amazed when it works. Expect a miracle when it happens. God, I can't believe that happened. Well, I was raised in a little town in northwest Texas. It was about that big, and they programmed me there just like they programmed me in here.
Had a guy standing up there just like me, and they said, if you think it, you might as well have done it. Hell, I was thinking it, didn't even know what it was, but I knew I was thinking it. And I knew I had it. You could just tell by the way they looked at me, I was one of those, and I was not one of them. And at the end of that program, they'd sing those songs, and they'd sing one more stanza for that one right back there.
And you know that's you. Your throat aches, just hold on, don't go, and you make it. Well, I got to getting around girls when I was about 12 or 13, and I got that funny feeling. And I told them about it. They said, we've been meaning to talk to you, and I knew they had. And before the funeral of the service, I knew you was never going to get to do anything worthwhile the way they talked about it. We had four commandments.
Don't commit adultery, drink whiskey, dance, or play cards. Nobody does the rest of them. So I knew you could never have any fun with these folks. Well, they got in there, and they, you know, they get you in that room, and you can just tell if you'll do what they say, they're going to think you're a good boy. And I like that. So when they sang that last stanza, I came down the aisle. This is kind of like, hey, except don't give out any chips.
And they come and hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are, even though you know you're not. But I liked it. They put you in the tank and hank your fleeks and you choke a little, but you come out okay. Went to school the next day and saw that girl, came right back. I said, well, we're going to have to do it again. Didn't take. They said, no, you just don't do it. Well, they didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything.
I didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything. And then I asked him. I said, how do you don't do it? Don't think about it. God, well, I've been thinking about all day. Let's go and think about the rest of that. And more than I won't think about it. Got up next morning. Start trying not to think about it. Thought about it more than I ever thought about it in my life. I should have known then the kind of guy I was.
I'm the kind of guy when he starts not to do something, he's going to do it more than he's ever done it. Finally got through playing basketball. Didn't do it. I didn't know. I didn't know I was getting brain damage for not doing it, but I didn't know that. They didn't sell that bad stuff where I live in my county. It was dry. It was all pure except old Bratch. And he drank wine and Bay Rum and slept downtown.
I never did drink Bay Rum. And I tried to always get out of town before I went to sleep. But 30 miles away was a town that was wild and wicked. And one Saturday, that's where you could do things during the week.
[00:05:06]
We went over at that town, opened the door of that honky-tonk beer joint. There was that deacon with a warm girl in one hand and a cold beer in the other. I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us that we didn't even get to do it. You know, if you get caught before you do it, you ought to give it up. I drank two beers. Nothing happened. Didn't taste good. Only thing I saw about him, he was happier than I'd ever seen him.
Of course, he was with a different girl. And I got out of there after those two beers and I was relieved. The next morning I got up, I wanted to go to church for the first time in 17 years. I told that I wanted to go to church that maybe you get old enough you don't have to go. And I went and there he was, sad like he always was. And with that same old girl. Except he was happier with the one he was with Saturday night.
But I know now he just felt bad. I thought deacons were just sad. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. God, I couldn't wait until next Saturday came. I told my buddy, I said, don't tell a living soul. It's a big town, had two joints. We'll go to the other joint. And Lord, we took a bath and sprayed, I rubbed it on I guess then. Went on over there and opened the door of that hockey talk.
I didn't even know I knew how to drink. Hell, I already knew how to drink. Just order one right after the other. Keep feeling to where you get to where you're feeling so good you can't feel at all. Get to where you can fall down on the dance floor and break your nose, don't even know how to dance. And I'd have committed adultery, but you know how we are. We just get too tied up. You know, we're fantastic.
Think about it all day long and then you get too busy that night. Then if we do, we don't know whether we did or not. And you never get to find out. You can't call back and say, we do anything last night? I had no idea that I was living a life that I don't know. I learned how to black out. Went home, waked up the next morning, threw up just like I was supposed to. I didn't even know I was supposed to do that.
This guy called and said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time. I said, oh, well. Then I knew how to have a good time. Just go out and get a drink. Then I knew how to have a good time. Just go out and get drunk, black out, come home, wake up the next morning, scared to death, and throw up. You know you had a good time. Did not know you'd do it any other way.
I thought the ones that did not do it that way did not know how to do it. I just thought the ones that didn't drink it like I drank it just didn't know how to drink it. Well, I ended up and had a war, and I went. Because I knew they needed me because the sign said that. It's amazing how I'd believe that sign and don't believe any of the others. I never did fit in anywhere, and I'd always try to fit.
I'd give it everything I had. It wouldn't work. And then I wouldn't give it anything. That wouldn't work either. And I didn't like that. They got up at the wrong time, went to bed at the wrong time, did the wrong things. I was already finding out in my life that they'd say, oh, you don't want to do that. Yeah, I want to do it. They'd say, you want to do that. No, I didn't want to do that. Got out, and they wanted me to go to school again.
Hell, I had to go to summer school to get out of school. Went to school because they said I wanted to. I knew I didn't. But I got them. I got that piece of paper, but I did not get an education. You know, they just think they're running your life. Well, I got out. Of course, you know what they do to get out of school. They've got another bad deal coming, want you to go to work. Every place I worked had a bad deal.
They warned you to always go to work on Monday. You could have the flu on Thursday. Nobody thought a thing about it. Monday, they just had fits. And where I worked, I've never worked where they treated me right. Didn't pay me right, wrong hours, wrong days, and didn't run it right. I'm sure that's the reason most of us are not in business.
[00:10:03]
We're too smart for it. Some of the businesses that fired me are still operating doing it wrong. Finally got to where I couldn't get a job. And I'd go to these friends that I thought were friends that knew of me. And I'd say, I want the job. They'd say, no, you don't want this job. Yeah, I want the job. I'm broke. I don't have any money. And I need the job. You don't want this job. They didn't treat me nasty.
But you could just kind of tell there was something about me that they were going to feel better when I was gone. The way I look for a job is I get up and throw up and spray. And then I go out and fill out one of those long, ridiculous applications and apply, go through the interview, and then I take the rest of the day off. And I do that one day at a time. And I'd done that for about ten days and I couldn't get a job.
So I decided this day I'll just take the day off. So I went out to golf course and ate an old egg and an old piece of toast because I thought I might have a beer later. And then I went around to my beer joint friend, who's the only man who I could talk to anymore who understood me. And he said, God, you look terrible this morning. I said, you know I may be coming down with something. He said, the way you look, you look like you need a beer or need one bad.
I said, by God, it's only 9.15 and I'm Baptist. We never drink before noon, which is 10.30. He said, the way you look, I don't think it'll make any difference. I drank half of it and sprayed the golf course with it. I don't mind spraying if I don't lose my train of thought. And it irritates me then because I let it get in my nose and you know I know better. Then you have to get drunk the rest of the day because you're upset.
Then I already knew how to meditate. Lord, when it's stringy, you don't know where the end is and you can't breathe. You don't know where you're staying or going. You know, they ought to use that stuff in that commode for this energy crisis. Even in the hot summertime, right after you've gotten through meditation, you know, it's kind of weakening. And you just kind of lay there and put your cheek against that cool bowl.
And it's always cool. Well, after I got through spraying, I told that guy, I said, I think I better go home and lie down. It's hard to lie down when you're vibrating, but I thought I'd try it. So I went home and got in the living room and called all the Jim W.' together. I'd love to have a meeting with me because I can decide anything. Don't have any trouble and reason it right on out to where I know that I know the truth.
And I decided I'd commit suicide. Now, that's before this modern deal happened where now, you know, if you want to commit suicide, you don't even have to know how. You just call that number on TV that said suicide. Call that number. I didn't know how to do it. Had no number to call. This is back in the old cold turkey days, you know, before they started teaching everything. They didn't teach it in school or at church.
They ought to teach it somewhere. Half of us are going to need it, you know. That's before overdose was popular. Of course, I recommend the old deal, cold turkey suicide, because if you take overdose, you just remember the pump. But I didn't want any noise. Guns are so loud and they splatter, you know. Didn't have one anyway. Razor blades were popular then. But I didn't know how to do it. All I'd ever read about, they just cut their wrist.
Well, I knew you couldn't do it in the living room. In the living room, you get blood all over the carpet. Now, I'm always thinking of others, you know. So I went in the bathroom, got my razor blade, and sat down on the throne where I did a lot of things anyway. Had a lot of meetings there. And I cut both wrists just a little bit, since I didn't know where you could just get by with one. Thought maybe you had to run out equal or something.
And I'm just sitting there listening to the drip. Forget about where I'm going. Thinking about where I'm going, and the phone rang. I thought, my God, what if where I'm
[00:15:08]
going I always wonder who that was called. That'd be enough to run you crazy. So I put a band-aid on my wrist right quick. I never had done it before. I didn't know how. You always re-do it if you fail, you know. And, of course, there's the police. And they're kind of like ministers come go along with me, you know, except they all have a personality change. They need this program badly. I don't even talk to them anymore at all. Everyone I ever talked to, when they'd say, where are you going? I said, I'm going home. They said, no, you're not. You're going with me. I said, no, I'm not. Then they go nuts. Then when you tell them you're not going, hell, they just go crazy. So you have to pacify them and go along with them. This guy says, we'll either come out there. He said, where were you last night? I said, I was right here. He said, oh, no, you wasn't. I said, how do you know? We were there. Then I don't want to talk to him anymore. I'd already learned don't talk to anybody no more about where you've been than you do. I said, what do you want me to do? I knew they wanted me to do something. They always do. They never offer you anything. Well, you either come down here or we'll come out there and get you. And I had a little meeting on that quickie. I said, I believe I'll just come on down there. And he said, I'd bring a lawyer with me. So I hung up and had another meeting. God, it's only 11 o'clock. I've had a hell of a day, you know. No wonder they started me living when I got the A at an hour at a time. I had another meeting, and I said, I don't like either one of those options. I've been in Houston, Texas long enough for anybody. They hate me here, you know. They treated me badly. I think I'll leave town. So I just put all my clothes together and mailed the keys to the folks that owned the joint and left town.
Had $36. It's time to start a new career anyway. Next morning, I waked up a couple hundred miles away and only had seven. Then I knew, I got to thinking about, I wonder how my folks are getting along. I get sentimental along about that time anyway, when I get underfinanced. I'm only 33. It's too quick to break away anyway. I called them, and they wanted to know what I was doing. And of course, I didn't know. And they asked me where I was going, and I told them town of Lubbock. It's only 120 miles where I was, but it was that way.
I knew I was going to see a friend. I hadn't met him yet, but I know he's there. So they asked me to come by, and I did. And I never shortchanged my folks. They were never going to get their money back, so I always made my stories my finest. And when I got to tell them how horrible I had been treated, and it was a sad story. I'd get to listen to it, and I'd always cry at the end. And old John would say, well, Jimmy's honest. Let him have a hundred.
God, you'd be surprised what a relief that is, like doing the fourth step. Just gives you immediate relief. All you know is if you just sweat her out till morning. The next morning, I got up and I said, there's one little thing I didn't tell you all about last night. Since I was having such a horrible time, I got to drinking some. But I decided another thing last night after going to bed, I'll never drink again as long as I live. I drove right through Fort Worth, decided I'd go to Rio Grande Valley. Never been there, you know.
And I've got $107, about to start a new career. And I knew a guy that went down there five years ago, like us, don't call. He might not be there, or might say, don't come. Stopped at a little filling station. They happened to sell beer, and I said, how far is it to Waco? And they said, 79 miles. I said, let me have three. Got down there, and I was some way, there's something about me that I could get into a
[00:20:03]
place and not get too drunk and not screw up till I got up there where I belonged. You know, there's always some people in the wrong place. You'd have to adjust it to tell them what they didn't, hadn't found out about them. And then I'd get my place. And fortunately, the manager of this joint was a drunk like me. And we just did fine. I learned how to drink and live. Get up early of a morning and throw up, run and work, run out and get drunk and get to bed early. If you do that, you can make it, one day at a time. I was having some minor difficulties with women. Evidently, I don't know where I learned this. Hadn't been anywhere but church and school.
But you could line up 10 pretty girls, and I'd get the sick one every time. I only failed one time. One girl wouldn't go with me the third time. She's the only one I know that I missed with. I got to where I'd, you know, being Baptist, Southern, which y'all don't know the difference. There's a big difference. It's yes, you've got to. God, there isn't any other kind, you know. The other kind is just trying to get in. And Catholics drink. Didn't get to talk to them knowingly until I got to AA. Shouldn't have said that. I guess I forgot where we were. Do you have any idea where we were? Do anybody know?
Hell, y'all weren't listening either. Oh God, women. Yeah. God, how'd that slip my mind? So I'd have to go with this one woman. I'd be so totally, absolutely, completely in love with that chemistry that mixes so well that after two months we were never to be able to breathe without one another. Then it would just deteriorate from there on out. And I did that about one year at a time. I was going to marry every one. Never went with a girl yet, wasn't going to marry her. She never did, but I was going to do it. Finally, I ran into one that was a little different, sick than the rest. This one, we fought a little. She would take advantage of me when my equilibrium wasn't just right. And our last fight was in a place I do not recommend. I'd gone to the bathroom and she followed me because she wasn't through telling me what she wanted to tell me. And we had our discussion there. It was a small quarters and the only soft place we were standing on it.
And when you fall over into the bathtub and that wood's even firm. And then the laboratory's very, these are hard places. These is tough place to discuss things. Don't recommend it for anybody at all. Next morning, I had a beautiful place to live. I was living in an old faded green trailer behind a motel. The alley was my front yard and it was gravel so I didn't have to worry about the yard. And something went BAM! God, I'd already learned to wake up in fright without even praying for it, you know. And this must have been some morning I was going to leave early because I still had my clothes on. And it was the first Baptist preacher. And that wouldn't cause you to have fright at all.
And he's standing there and said, come go along with me. And I said, I can't do that. I've got to, I've got to regroup. I've got to get started. I've got to, I've got some things to do. And he said, not this morning you do. God, I looked down on her white shirt and had blood on it and I wondered whose was mine, somebody else's. I knew my head was a little different than normal, but you can't ever mention that you got a hangover, you know. We went over to her house and I walked in and she looked like she had had a pretty good little discussion with somebody. And I kind of thought it might have been me. So finally I slipped in that they would not let me have a beer and I'm in bad shape. My nervous condition has gone to the extreme. And I ran into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. She won that argument. That blood was my very, very own. Well, we had a meeting and I'd
[00:25:04]
been, God, I'm 35 years old. It's time for me to get married. I agree. Besides that, I'm vibrating to where it's either going to that or die anyway. So we got married in the first Baptist church. So it worked. We had no drinking for the funeral ceremony. I wasn't going to invite anybody, but I got drunk around 10, 30, 11 and start quit inviting them at three. The beer distributor, who was my dear friend, said, I want you to know we didn't come to see this. We came because we didn't believe it. The longest bet was three weeks, but we showed them. We hung in there for eight years, but my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace. I'd get up a morning, grab that cigarette. I was always going to quit smoking. So I could quit throwing up and ran in there and lock that door. And I was getting ready to go to work. She'd tell me what I was through that door. And I had to get upset, go out there and make a living all day, run out and get drunk.
Come on, tell her what she was. And we did that one day at a time. Only good day we ever had was when we was just too tired. Well, I lost that job. Finally, couldn't get one. Finally got hired by drug company. And he was a drunk like me. And he hired me and kept me there about two months. Then he sent me out to West, West, West Texas, where they got all those little trees about that high. And they like each other out there because they've got to. Put me in a little old town where there's 536 people there and 36 of them was making a living. The rest of us 500 were having a hard time. But I had to call on drug stores and I had to go 50 to 60 miles before I made a call.
And there's no water in between. And I'm standing in this drug store that day vibrating. And this pharmacist says, you look like you're going to fly apart. I said, any minute. He said, take some of these. This was for value. I understand it's better. He crossed both eyes, walked straight. So I took two and waited 15, 20 seconds. Nothing happened. So I took two more. Then your knees just go. I said, my God, I've learned how to weave. Now I've got to learn a new stance.
It didn't do for me what booze did, but it kept me from flying apart in daytime. And I drank, took Librium daytime and drank beer at night. And if I wanted to go to bed early, I had one decision to make. You want to go home early, Jim? Yeah, I think I will. Well, switch to bourbon, you can get home early. Otherwise stay on beer and close the joint. And I didn't know you did it any other way. I got recommended for a job back in Houston. The guy hadn't seen me in 12, 15 years. They hired me out of Huntington, Indiana. They flew me up there and they wanted, they said, we can't figure out why you're here. Well, I couldn't help him. I didn't know either.
I didn't even know what they did. And there's 36 years old. I certainly couldn't admit. I didn't know who they were. So nobody knew anything. And we finally said, well, we'll go ahead and hire you a guest. I said, be okay with me. God is three o'clock and I'm in bad shape already. So I went back to Houston. This was March of 1965. I'm not an alcoholic, still don't drink Bay Rum and I don't sleep a lot downtown. The only thing I want to do, I was just having trouble with old what's-her-name.
If I get rid of what's-her-name and get a job that I liked and wouldn't be underfinanced, I'd be okay. If I just had the money, I know I could have died drunk without any trouble at all. I lasted nine months and I wasn't going to let these customers, these new customers, see me drunk, even though I'm not an alcoholic. We played golf on Christmas Eve of 19, the day before Christmas Eve in 1965. And I just drank a little too much. Went by their house, blacked out like you're supposed to. Drove home, waked up next morning no different than I'd done a thousand times. Had no idea who drove the car back and we'll never find out. It's parked funny, so I assume I did. Waked up in total fright. Drove from one area to the other, blacked out. Walked around the car, no new dents, no blood. Then I just go into fright, you know. And I'm okay. It's 9.15. Won't be long until 10.30 anyway. But I walked back in the house, old what's-her-name had gone next door, they was going to have a party. And I picked up that phone that's ringing.
I guess I heard it on the radio.
[00:30:01]
I picked up that phone book and looked under Alcoholics Anonymous and called in a group. Must have heard it on the radio. Nobody ever talked to me about it. And that little girl acted like she was glad I called. I should have known then something was wrong. And she said somebody would be right out. Well, hell, I waited 10, 15, nobody showed. Looked in the icebox, had three beers. I thought, well, it's close to 10, 30.
It's Christmas Eve. Well, wonder who in the hell that was I called. I'll call him back, tell him I don't need him. About that time the phone rang. A guy said, be right there before I can tell him I didn't need him. Hell, he hung up. Looked out that window, little old short deacon with a book under his arm and a pointed nose. I said, my God, we're going to read that book and pray. I'll just get rid of it.
You know, I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated 10 times. He came in about that time, old what's-her-name had already gone next door. And he didn't read the book. He didn't pray. And he didn't ask me anything I remember. And he wasn't very friendly. And he didn't look very happy. And about that time old what's-her-name walked back in. He said, you want to go with me? Well, I didn't, but it's better than staying with her.
He just got up on that freeway. And my God, I knew I'd gone off with a perfect stranger. He wasn't my kind of guy. I thought, God, I've done it again. And I just went in total fright again. I said, I'll buy a beer. I don't want a beer. I knew it. God, I knew it. I waited about 10 seconds. I said, you're going to have to get this thing off this freeway. I stopped. You told him over there, I've got to have a beer.
I've got to have it right now. Besides that, it's quarter to 11. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh, yeah, I can do that. We drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and drove over into an old bad neighborhood. Drove up in front of an old house. And there's two or three of those cars that looked pretty good. The rest of them looked about like mine. I thought, well, when I get some money, I'll help these folks.
Walked in that place, looked over there. Some of those deacons talking about the women's stock market. I found out later on, didn't know anything about either one. And there's an old bar back there in the back with an old piece of linoleum on it. Hell, it must have been old when they put it on it. And the bartender didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did. And this little short guy said, mix him up a little milk and honey.
I said, my God, what do you put in it? I never drank anything like that. I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you're used to… You're nervous. I said, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you. And besides all that, you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol. And the honey has already been digested. I said, indigestion is not my problem. And I drank it. Soured and curdled.
Came right back up. He said, don't worry about it. We have plenty. God, I wish that I had my car. One of the smart ones said, walk all you want to. Hell, I don't want to walk at all. Why don't you go home? Get something to drink. Finally, we stayed there all day long. And I just walked up down there. They just look at you like there's a new animal got in here. And everything's fine. That's six o'clock.
He took me home. I said, let me out in front. He said, what for? I said, I don't want her to see me right now. I got to go somewhere. He said, well, don't go anywhere and drink anything because I'm picking you up in an hour and a half. I said, what for? We're going to a meeting. I said, where? Right back where we were. I said, my God, we was there all day. Took me back in that same joint. Picked me up.
Went back in that same place. And they wasn't too friendly right at first. Some of them would kind of be glad to see each other. The rest of them just kind of walked in, sit down, get their coffee and sit down. They wasn't too happy about the deal. Then I listened to that old four-hour meeting. They said it just lasts an hour. Some of them was laughing. Hell, it wasn't nothing funny. Wasn't a damn thing funny.
Some of them laughed at nothing, you know. And then finally they all got up and held hands and said the Lord's Prayer. Then the Holy Spirit moved in there and the thing exploded. They all started talking at the same time, hugging and kissing. I said, my God, when did that happen?
[00:35:00]
I didn't see that happen. I said, next time when I want to close my eyes and say that prayer, because something happens during that time. Didn't sing any songs or nothing. Then I saw a bunch of men and women getting in cars and laughing and talking and taking off. I'm with the only guy that's not invited. Of course, I know what they're doing. And I keep waiting and waiting and going to those old meetings.
Hell, they want you to go to a meeting every night. Twice on Saturday and Sunday. All the time. Call you every day. And I did that. And kept doing that. Kept doing that. Miserable. Totally miserable. Every day and every night. Kept doing it. Not invited to go. Nobody's invited me to go. And I've already got a couple spotted, you know. A couple of real good sick ones. First time I've ever been there where they got them.
You know, I've never been before where they got them grouped. I used to have to go hunt them. There's one there that's been there three days. I know it was mine. I said, don't do it. God, I've got brain damage again. Finally, one night. I said, it's raining. He said, Jerry, well, good drink. What's raining? I said, I'll be ready. I waited, waited, waited about three more months. Went out and got drunk.
Three months. Went out and got drunk. Three months. Went out and got drunk. One night I was sitting there and I said, I'm so sick and tired of these meetings. I just don't want to answer the phone. I turned, pulled out all the shades. Turned out all the lights except the TV set. I just stayed home and I was watching that old phone just ring, ring, ring. I just let it ring. Next morning he called and said, where were you last night?
I said, by God, I was right here. Watching television. All by myself. He said, well, you missed it. I said, what did I miss? He said, I don't know. I said, wasn't you there? He said, yeah. I said, you just don't want to tell me? He said, no, I'd love to tell you. But see, I only heard what I was supposed to hear. We'll never know what you're supposed to hear. I said, by God, you got to go every night.
You'll miss it. After my last drunk, I went back one more time. They tricked me into it. And I told this guy I was only going to go back to resign. It did not work for me and I had a master plan. That I was going to learn how to leave town and leave everything. The only thing wrong with me is I need to figure out a way to steal some money where I can do it. At that meeting, this guy said, this little short deacon, said, don't ever call me again.
I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I didn't call you in the first place. They called you. I never liked you. And if I had as bad a personality as you did, I'd go back to drinking. And you don't have to worry about it. I'll never call you again as long as I live. And I didn't until the next morning. Then he said, meet me at the club. I walked into that club. He said, get your coffee and sit down. They talk to you like a dog here, you know.
And now that you've looked me straight in the eye, I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous. There's absolutely no failure here. Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-anon, Al-a-teen, Al-a-pot, or Al-a-dog does not fail. There's no failure here. Provided you do it exactly the way we tell you to do it. Now, you're going to get to make all the decisions while you're here, but that's all. You never are going to get to do anything else but make the decisions.
And take the action that's necessary for those decisions to last. That's all you're going to get to do. And you're going to do it exactly the way I tell you to do it. Now, we're going to let you decide whether you want to do it exactly the way we say, or go right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you were going to do.
[00:40:00]
I said, I don't like either, Tom. He said, that's perfectly alright. I said, do you mean to tell me you don't care whether I want to or don't like you at all? He said, not a bit. I said, well, if you'll make it perfectly clear I don't want to do it, I'll do it. I'll do it. He said, now, you need to get some things straight. Your biggest problem is your thinking. I said, what's wrong with my thinking?
He said, well, you just don't think right about what's happening, what's going to happen, and what's been happening. I said, how much of my thinking's wrong? He said, we always start with all of it. And if there's any, any good, we'll let you know. I said, you got a sign up there on the wall that says, think, think, think. And he said, that's for us. I'm already getting the idea I'm not going to get to run this thing.
He says, now, we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do. Then it's going to happen over there. I said, what's going to happen over there? He said, we don't know, but it always happens. He says, now, the things we're going to give you not to do will change. But the things we're going to give you to do, you'll just add to. And don't worry about it, it'll happen over there. I said, I don't understand anything you're telling me.
He said, now you got it. So there's two things you want to remember every day for the rest of your life. No matter what's going on in your life. You do not understand. And when you begin to become a person who knows he doesn't understand, then you'll begin to have understanding. And when you begin to be a person who doesn't try to understand, you'll be able to enjoy it. And the other thing is, no matter what your situation is, it's never them and it's never God.
It's you that must become different. I said, do you mean to tell me I'm always wrong? He said, it has nothing to do with who's right or who's wrong. You're going to have to become a different man than you've ever been before. I said, how do I do that? He said, oh, you can't. I said, what the hell you tell me for this? He said, oh, that's those things that's going to happen to you. He said, now, I'm going to tell you the one thing that's going to happen to you.
He said, now, I'm going to tell you the one thing that got you here. The one thing that put you in the hole. And the one thing that's going to keep you from getting everything that's available to God's children. This one single thing is the thing that's going to keep you from getting everything that alcoholic Solomon's has available to a human being. As long as you know that you know, you'll never know.
When you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do, and begin to know that you don't know, then you'll begin to know. I said, hell, you're crazy. And he said, I know. Now, here's what I want you to do. I want you to get up in the morning. I want you to get down on your knees. I want you to say these words and these words only. God, take me today. Let me be what you want me to be. Let thy will only be done in my life.
Help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug. Amen. You don't need to give God any instructions. Don't need to tell him any more than that. He can handle the rest of it all by himself. Don't need to tell him any more than that. He can handle the rest of it all by himself. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. I said, why before I go to the bathroom?
You may not need to go. I said, do you mean to tell me that I don't have sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? Tell me that I don't have sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? He said, we'll find out. Before I got down on my knees that morning, I said, God, you and I know, we've been praying
[00:45:03]
for all my life. And we know he don't know, hell, he's a Presbyterian. But we're going to do exactly what he says, no matter what the deal is. So when it's over, we can tell him, it did not work. Got down on my knees, did my deal, called him, he said, go to the bathroom and meet me at the club. He didn't even ask where I needed to go or not, and I knew I did. Met him at the club, he said, go to work.
I said, I couldn't go to work yesterday, I hate my job, you know. Which is normal. I only hated every job I ever had up through today, you know. And he said, what'd you do? I said, I sat in the chair, and he said, didn't think. I said, yeah. He said, well, that's where you just didn't know how to go to work. I said, how'd you do that? He said, go get in the car. I said, oh. I caught on right after, they told me what to do.
It works. And he said, by the way, remember too, just add to your little day, every day that you get in that car after you've done your little morning deal, when you get in the car, invite God into the day. I said, how do you do that? He said, you say, God, I invite you into the day. I said, oh. And meet me back at the club, I met him back at the club at five o'clock. Hell, you know how they are. Get your coffee and sit with us.
Set it out loud so everybody will know that you don't have sense enough to get your coffee. Then when you almost get comfortable where you could listen to the big shots, with all that expertise stuff that they've got, he says, I think it's time for you to go home and eat and come back to the meeting. That's loud enough for everybody to hear. Let them know that the poor bastard hasn't got sense enough to go eat and come back.
After the meeting, he said, now go home and get on your knees in the bedroom and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God for the day. It's been a miserable damn day. I hate God. I hate you. And I hate her. And I hate everybody. He said, do you feel like that you're not going to be sincere? And I said, you betcha. And I'm not going to be a hypocrite. He said, we're not depending on what you think about it or how you feel.
Remember, it's only the action that you're taking that's going to make you different. Never your thinking or what you think about it. You're going to get this into your life one way and one way only. You're not going to learn it. We can't teach it to you. You can't memorize it. You're going to have to get it one way only, taking the action against your thinking through the living experience. And it has to happen to you.
And that's the only way you're going to get it. So I just went home, got down on my knees, said, okay, by God, God, thank you for a miserable damn day. Amen. Went to bed. Hell, he don't care. God don't care. Hell, I don't care. I did that for about two months. And I'm riding along the 610 loop in Houston, Texas, about 1030 that morning, about 915 that morning. I just have 1030 on my mind. And for the first time in my life, this God they've been talking about knowingly moved into that car with me.
And for the first time in my life, I knew I knew something. I knew I knew I'd never need to take another drink, a mind-changing drug, as long as I lived if I didn't insist upon it. And I knew I knew it. And for the first day in my life, I had the finest day. And this God stayed with me all that day. And I knew I knew that that God was going to be my friend. And I did not know him that way ever before.
I couldn't wait for him to get back to the club. God, I thought, now I've arrived, we'll get some tents and tambourines, and we'll go save some souls. Billy and Earl and a bunch better, Oral better watch out, we're coming. And about that time, he walked in the club 20 minutes late. I said, get your coffee and sit down. They don't like to be talked to that way. He did it reluctantly.
[00:50:00]
And he sat down, and I told him what had happened. And he says, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. He said, some are sicker than others. I said, what are you going to do about old what's-her-name? He said, I'm not doing nothing with my marriage. I'm leaving it just as it is. But I'll send you to another sponsor. I think he's tired of me. And he sent me to a guy who was Episcopalian.
And this guy says, what do you want? I said, I either want to know whether I can have it with one woman or not. He says, you know we don't use counselors here. We use the master counselor only, God himself. We have the system. If you can get rid of enough of your fear, and you're willing to do so, you can find out for yourself whether you're married right or not. Most people are still married nay or married right.
Some are not. Some should never get married. But we have the system for you to find out. Provided you've got the courage, stay with us. So you know that lonesome walk you made when you didn't fit in AA, and you didn't fit back out there either? I said, yeah. If you're willing to make those lonesome walks when you feel like nobody's going through it but you, I'll not only guarantee your relationship with a woman that you've never experienced before or dreamed of, I'll give you a bonus.
You'll have a relationship with your fellow man you could never have imagined. And on top of that, a relationship with God you could never dream it up. I said, I don't believe that. He said, isn't that fantastic? I said, what? You don't need to. I said, do you mean to tell me that I don't need to believe in God? He said, not at all. You just take the action. God's highly capable of making the relationship.
I said, OK, what is it I've got to not do? Don't ever tell her what's wrong with her ever again. I said, who's going to tell her? Somebody's got to. He said, I don't know, but you're not. And you'll need to learn this whether you're married right or not. Says, you're going to set that girl absolutely free, just like God wants to. And you're never going to do anything to use the daughter or anybody else to work her around so she'll do what you want her to do so y'all will be better.
I said, never? He said, never. And you're going to pray for her. I said, I'm not. He said, yes, you are. And you're going to say these words. You're going to have to say them many times a day, probably. Every time she comes into your mind, say, God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. I said, I do not want God's will to be done for her as well as for me. He said, remember, what you want has nothing to do with it.
I started doing that. Had a bad case. Had a bad case. I just had to leave the house. I couldn't even tell her. And they won't let you tell her what we're doing, you know. They invited her to Al-Anon. She went to two Al-Anon meetings. She said, my God, they're depressing. Thank you, Al-Anons, very much. I've loved you ever since, you know. Took her to an open AA meeting, and she said, why don't you just stay on beer?
You'd be OK. Wasn't too long after that that I, by the not doing and doing what they said, I'd done my fourth step and my fifth step. Then what was wrong with me and the women area showed up. God, and it was painful. And I hate to hurt even though I love to. And then I told my sponsor and couldn't get rid of it. Told the group, and they told me not to, and I couldn't get rid of it. Told another group, and one of them snitched on me.
You know, I like Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. There's no gossip here. They're just concerned. Finally, they got so sick and tired of hearing about me, and oh, what's her name, and my thing, that he sent me home and said, you, she's not home. Go in there and lock that apartment. You stay in there as God, and you get rid of that. And I stayed in there all day long, said some of them good old long Baptist prayers, and cried, and cussed, and beat the couch.
I'd learned to quit hitting the bar. Hurt your hand, you know. And next day, I wasn't there. I waited four days. And after that fourth meeting, I said, well, I guess I might as well tell you. And he said, oh, we knew it. We knew it. Well, I guess I might as well tell you. And he said, oh, we knew it the first night. I said, why didn't you tell me? He said, well, you need to know that you're always going to be last to know.
I said, why is that?
[00:55:00]
He said, I don't know. Evidently, you've got to be last before you can be first. Wasn't too long after that that we got a divorce. She went her way, and I went mine. Now, for those of you who were worried about her, two months later, I saw her best friend. And she said, have you seen old, what's her name? I said, no. Happier than I've ever seen her. I started to call her up. Somebody need to tell her something.
I've been calling on this girl in the hospital, and they told me that any time that I'm going to think about any kind of relationship period over a period of time with a person, I should establish one thing, that I'm working towards a program that God is to be first in all of the things that I do. I want nothing in my life that God is not ahead of. And we talked about God and work, and that's all. And one day, we went to a convention.
I took she and four other women to a convention, and they accused us of going together. And I got some of those funny feelings. It was a little different than chemistry feelings. I love to see people come in and say, I can't go with her. I want to go with her. Why do you want to go with her? Chemistry's right. I understand that. So we did that, and I went to her when I could feel like something was going to be different.
And they're not letting me go with anybody. I said, I'm not sleeping with old what's-her-name. They said, fine. But I don't get to go with anybody. Two long, brain-damaging years. You know, I got relief from drinking. So when finally I went over there, and I walked in there, and I never talked to her anywhere. I said, I've got to go to your office. We've got to close the door. I said, I think I'm falling in love with you.
And I said, I'm sorry. I've got to tell you the truth. I will not have an affair. My sponsor will not let me. And for a 45-year-old, gray-headed man, that looks funny. And I said, well, I might as well tell you all of it. I'm an alcoholic synonymous, and they will not let me do anything but go to meetings every single night, twice on Saturday and Sunday, and work. That's all they let me do. She said, what's it all about?
Well, I don't know. You know, they smoke a lot, and cough, and smoke, light up another one. And then they can't sleep at night, but they drink coffee till midnight. And they cuss some and pray. I said, you'll have to talk to my sponsor. So I called him, and he said, what have you been doing? I said, nothing. I ain't done nothing. He said, bring her over here. I said, well, you're going to have to go now.
So he went over there, and he got in a onesie-meal there, and do the same thing they do to you. Sit over there. We'll handle it. Had he talked to her for an hour and a half, I thought he's going with her. Then he said, God might be going to do something for you. Well, I knew what to do. Just go in there, and sign old Dick's name, and get it started. I know how to get them started. I've just been on caution for two years.
And they said, no. She doesn't know anything about alcoholism. Doesn't know anything about alcoholics. Doesn't know anything about Al-Anon. If you don't have God, A-N, Al-Anon in your home, you ain't going to have it. So you're going to, I said, what am I going to do? Nothing. They got her to go into Al-Anon. She went to two Al-Anon meetings, and I couldn't keep from telling her how to go. I said, Eloise, just go in there, and don't tell them a damn thing.
Just tell them your name's Eloise, and sit there. That did not work. She said, well, I'm going with an alcoholic. We don't know what's going to happen. They took two meetings to tell her why she should not go with an alcoholic. So she went to two meetings. She went to two meetings. She went to two meetings. Go with an alcoholic? So I took her over to an open meeting across town, and she heard the woman alcoholic.
Then she knew and heard the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And she went back and said, I want that program. Several months later, we were thrown together. A couple of months later, we married. By the same Baptist preacher that married me in old What's-Her-Name. I'm glad to tell you this day that I do have that relationship, that God only gives a man and a woman. We do have God, A-N-L-I, living in our home.
She had three children. We were talking to a guy that doesn't have much experience being a husband, let alone a father and a grandfather. Our oldest son was a Southern Baptist minister. He asked me if I wanted to marry him, and I said, no, I don't want to marry him. He got the message from someone else. He didn't like the Big Book, but he liked the Twelve and Twelve, and he finally called and said,
[01:00:02]
Mother, you're right. I can save them, but I can't keep them sober. So he started taking them to Alcoholics Anonymous. They're now in Venezuela, and they're coming to see us in November. Had that little daughter that kind of smoothed things over when she jumped up in my lap. I didn't know what to do, but I took it. She said, Papa Jim, I love you. Then this middle son, he might be going to get into our deal one of these days.
He had two kids. One of them was about three, and he just came over there. He loves his mother. He said, Mother, you look fine. You look happy. He said, I'm happy with every bit of life. He said, that's all I want to know, except for that little thing they had about three and a half years old, and nobody seemed to be able to do anything with him. He just tore everything up. Nobody seemed to be able to handle him. And I thought, well, since I'm new in the family, I could probably let him have a little action out there in the pool, and this whole family will be better.
Knowing that I can't take action without checking with my sponsor, he said, No, that's not what grandfathers do. Five years later, that boy came in, and he loves his grandmother. He's the only grandson. He said, I don't know whether you're going to sleep tonight, Nana. I'm going to sleep with Papa Jim. And then the daughter was in the picture. This is the one that's going to tear it up. She tried to go to school and tried not to, and Eloise and Al-Nan handled that deal not like they should have.
They had a hard time not getting into that because they were not doing it like they should have done it. She let her go, and she was living in and out with this old, long-haired, pot-smoking, terrible boy. After she let her go, about four or five months later, they came back and forth about once a month, and they heard some things we said. We didn't know it. It didn't seem like she had a personality about like that light bulb when it's off.
Beautiful, slender blonde. Six months later, they cleaned up. She went to work. He went back to college and got his degree. And they had their first baby two years ago in February, and she called her mother to come be with her. Then she called me after the baby was born, and I came down, and she said, I want you to promise me you'll see her at least once every two months so she'll know who her grandfather is.
I called her right before we left, and she called me. When she came to the phone, she wanted to speak to me. She said she had a doll that she wanted me to buy her. I said, I'll be down there just as soon as I get back from Omaha. She calls me Papa Jim, and she doesn't have any trouble getting along with me. I know I know some things today I didn't know, and I'm glad that you and I are going to be able to know after we find out we don't know.
I'm glad to know that each and every one of us are right on time, that we're not late. Our lives have been designed to be here just when we are. I'm glad that I know that you and I were sent here. We didn't do it on our own, nor did anybody else do it for us. And I'm glad to know that I know today that you and I are God's chosen children. I don't know when He chose us, whether He chose us when He was born or what, but somebody had to be with me when I was drinking just as much as with you in an Al-Anon, just as much as you staying with that drunk.
And I'm glad I know I know that. And I'm glad I know that I know one thing today, that should I have been able to know that I really was God's child, nothing could have ever bothered me. But I didn't know that, nor did I ever have another way to find that out. And I'm glad I know that my life could never have been any different up through today, except the way that it was. And I'm glad to know that I don't know the path for you or for me, but that I know that I know.
I have my way and you have yours for going down that path. And that's all we need. We need absolutely nothing else. And I'm grateful for one thing, that I know I was never to get it in the Southern Baptist Church. And I'm glad that nothing in my life was going to be any different until I got to you. You're the difference. There was never going to be anybody else, never going to be any other thing. You had the book that was written for me.
You had the literature that was written for me. And you had the wisdom that God only gives. And you had it to give to me. And you continue to do that. And I know I know that. Thank God I stay with you long enough that I felt God loving me several times
[01:05:02]
and me being able to love him back. But the difference is you. When it's just like it is right now. When I can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much. Thank you.