DICOBE-00478 – Jim W – WICHITA KANSAS SPRING RNDP – 1980-04-15

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Source: DICOBE-00478 – Jim W – WICHITA KANSAS SPRING RNDP – 1980-04-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00478-jim-w-wichita-kansas-spring-rndp-1980-04-15.mp3 Duration: 01:16:00

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We're not all well. Thank you very much, the committee. I mix that up a little. Not because I do it that way, it's just the best way I can do it. Thank you very much for inviting us. We love it here. We went over to a store and this lady said, well, hi, Eloise, how are things in Fort Worth? Eloise looked at her. She said, I bet you cannot possibly remember where you know me from, can you? She said, no.

She says, well, I'm just reading that off your badge. But that answers it. Y'all are really sweet folks and I sure do. I said, babe, we're going to have to find someplace, I've got to buy some fruit. I'm trying to get healthy, but I'm going to wait until next week, you know, but I thought I'd get ready. Went to the room, there it was. I am Jim W., now an alcoholic. Wasn't intended that way. Can't hear.

Well, I knew we couldn't do it. I've got positive thinking, I knew it wasn't going to work out. What do you want to do, Bill Punt? Can you hear now? No. Can you hear me? Are you all talking? I'd be glad to listen to you all, I'm a little nervous anyway. Can't hear. Hey? Maybe he won't say anything. Maybe God's trying to take care of you. Looks nice over there, though. I guess if you get at the table, you don't get to hear it.

I was not programmed to be an alcoholic. My folks weren't that way. I don't know why they didn't, because it's the most fantastic thing in the world, but they did not do that for me. They programmed me in one of these little things, I don't know, I guess you've got some southern badges up here, oh yeah, you've got some. Well we know each other then, we can go home. They programmed me in one of those buildings, had a guy stand up here just like I am, and had a guy pointing his finger at you, if you think it, you might as well have done it.

Hell I was thinking it and I didn't even know what it was. But I could just tell the way they were doing it, I had whatever that is that those had, and I wasn't one of them. And I could feel it. And they'd sing that song for that one right back there. That last stanza, man, you know your throat hurts. You know what they do. You know it's not like AA, you know. They say, saw old Jeff laying in a ditch last night, if he lives, we'll get him.

They hone in on you. They start, we've been praying for you son, which means you're a bad character, and we can tell it, and we can tell by looking at you what you're thinking. Just a matter of time, you're going to do it. They didn't know how right to work. Well I got to be about twelve, and I got around this girl, and got these funny feelings. Well I screwed up, I told them about it. And they said, we've really been meaning to talk to you, meet us before the sermon.

And I met them down there, and of course they'd get you in that little room, and they'd put the whammy on you. You know though that you're going to be a good boy if you do what they say. And the next morning, you know, I went up, then went down there, and it's kind of like AA except they don't give out any chips. Just come down the aisle, they hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are. You know you're not, but God, I like it, you know.

And they put you in the tank, and handsomely, you choke a little, but you come out okay, you know. Went back to school the next day and saw that girl, came right back. I went back to them and said, well, we'll have to do it again, didn't take. They said, no, you just don't do it. Now they didn't know, I didn't know how to don't do anything. I didn't know, I didn't know how to don't do anything. They just say, don't do it.

And that seems like you just don't do it. And I couldn't keep thinking about it. So I said, how do you don't do it? Don't think about it. Well, I thought, well, it's two o'clock in the afternoon, I've been thinking about it all day, I'll go ahead and think about it today and stop tomorrow. Got up the next morning, my God, I said, I'm not going to think about it today.

[00:04:59]

I got to where I didn't think about it so much, thought about it more than I ever thought

[00:05:04]

about it. And I knew I was stuck, I just had to do it. And I'd look at them and I'd go down there and they'd pray and I'd do all that thing and sing those songs. And I'd listen to that guy and point his finger and I'd say, well, I'm glad he pointed at them, but I'm still thinking like I always did. But I knew they knew I was thinking that way too. But I always tried to fit in, tried to do it, and I was inadequate and I was this.

Finally got out of high school. Had a hard time, had a lot of activities in high school. I was busy, didn't get to study a lot, would have, I'd just tie it up. So I had to go, I failed and had to go to summer school to get out of school and then got through playing basketball and everything. And 30 miles away they had the town that was wild and wicked and I'd heard about it. Now, we had a town where nobody was bad except this one guy.

He drank wine and bay rum and slept downtown. I never did drink any bay rum and always tried to get out of town before I went to sleep. This town was dry, we voted dry, and outside of it, I had no idea anybody drank except the Catholics, of course, drank. I didn't get to talk to them until I got to AA, knowingly. And those in between, I guess they'd just been doing everything forever, you know, I don't know.

My second sponsor said, it looks like the Catholics and the Baptists have the hardest time getting God in their life, but once they get it, they're good. Which means we're not out, if you think you're not going to get it, don't worry, you'll get it. It just takes a while. This guy and I slipped over that Saturday night, that's before you could do anything during the week. And we went 30 miles away and opened the door of that honky-tonk and there was that deacon with a warm girl in one hand and a cold beer in the other.

I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us and we're through. You know, if you get caught before you do it, you might as well give it up. They're not going to make it and sure enough, we did not make it. Drank two beers, didn't do it, and he was happier, by the way, than I'd ever seen him. But those two beers didn't do anything for me. They didn't smell good, didn't taste good, didn't do anything, and I was glad to get out of there.

And then the next morning I waked up and I said, I wanted to go to church for the first time in years. I never missed, but I never wanted to go either. You had to have double pneumonia to miss at our place. One single pneumonia won't work. And I said, maybe he doesn't go anymore. So I took off down there and got to church the next morning and there he was, sad like he always was, with a different girl.

No wonder he's sad. He probably didn't like that girl. And besides, he had a hangover. I understand that now that I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. So I told my buddy, I said, don't tell a living soul we're going back next Saturday. There's two joints. I found out where the other one is. We're going. It's a big town. And we went back over there the next Saturday night and I want to tell you, I learned how to do everything but commit adultery.

And I'd done that except I got too tied up. You know how we are. Talk about it all day long. Think about it and don't get too tied up, just too busy. And if we do, we don't know. And we don't ever get to find out if you live or die, but I don't know. You can't call back and say, did we do anything last night? Went over there and I didn't even know I knew how to drink. But I did. You just drink one right after the other.

Get the feeling it's good, you can't feel at all. Southern badgers cannot dance, you know, they have four commandments. Don't drink whiskey, commit adultery, dance or play cards. I didn't ever have too much trouble playing cards, I didn't notice they were playing over there. It's bad. They ought to be drinking so they can get in here. I learned how to dance, fell down on the dance floor, broke my nose just like you're supposed to, blacked out, waked up the next morning, threw up, just sick of the dog.

This guy called and said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time. I said, oh, well. Then I knew I'd have a good time, just go out, get drunk, black out, wake up the next morning, be sick. The mic goes to pot here, doesn't it? Did you notice the mic, doesn't the mic do that? And I knew how to get, I knew what to do to have a good time. And I did not know you drank any other way.

I thought the people that didn't drink, except that little old one glass or two, didn't know how to drink. And I knew I didn't run with them.

[00:10:01]

And I knew people I ran with didn't run with them. We didn't necessarily like them, we just didn't want to be around them. There's just something wrong with them. And I did not know you drank any other way for any other purpose. I thought you drank to get free. I don't know what of, but it worked. And I got free. Whatever it was I was getting free of, I was getting free and I liked it. I couldn't wait.

When I was just doing it on the weekends, before I found out you could do it during the week. And then I found out you didn't even have to wait till five. Started at three. Then I found out if you was off or just was too tired to go to work, you could start earlier than that. Or had the flu. Well, I kept doing that, I kept doing that. I knew you couldn't do it a lot, you'd get caught, so I just did it all, I always did it a lot when I did it.

And then finally I went to war and they had it and they didn't do what I wanted them to. I was living life and nobody did what I wanted them to do. I never got to do what I wanted to do. And people would say, you don't want to do that. Well, I want to do that. And they'd say, you want to do that. Well, I don't want to do that. Got out of the service, they said, what are you going to do? I said, well, I'm going to go to work somewhere, I guess.

That's before I knew I didn't like it. I'd done it before when I was going through high school, but I didn't notice I didn't like it. But I had a lot of things going. Then I went to school because I didn't want to go to school and they knew I wanted to. So I went, didn't get an education, but I got the paper. And then I got out and I did what everybody did, they went to work. And I never found a place yet that didn't have a bad hang-up about Mondays.

I never found a place yet that didn't, every place I worked, they'd want you to come work on Mondays. They never let you creep into the week, like Tuesday's plenty of time to start it. And you call them up on Mondays and hell, they have a fit, they just have, they need a program, you have a personality change. And I never worked anywhere where they did it right. I just really think we're, most of us are too smart to be in business.

And you explain to them what they need to do about you and how they need to arrange your work and your time and what they're supposed to treat you, what they're supposed to be doing, and thank God, none of them did it. Some of them are still operating, doing it wrong. It was quite a while before I noticed that I was the only one that was always leaving. Finally, I was having a little difficulty with women, minor.

I've only been to two places, you know, school and church. I don't know where I picked this up. I don't even remember when they taught this to me. But you could put ten pretty girls out there and I'll get the sick one every time. I always had to find that one where the chemistry mixed. I loved to do it. Now, I knew you couldn't go with women. Now, you know, you can't go with women unless you're in love with them.

What was really miserable is when you haven't got one and you're still in love. I had that trouble, but I never failed anymore. When I was tapered out of one and into another one, I'd go whether it's the first two months. It was so fantastic. We were going to live. We'd never be able to live an hour without each other. And we'd get to that peak and then it'd just deteriorate from there on out and just get more miserable.

And I like alcoholics, especially like me, that love that misery. God, I love that misery. Know how to do it, too, you know. Know how to live in it. Know how to suffer. It's fantastic. You have to drink to live like this, so don't try it sober. I'd love to be tapered out of one of them when it's so miserable and have me a new one started. That's when it's really, you know, everyone's calling back and you go one more time.

And that's, you really have to drink, though, to do that, so I won't get you into that. Finally got out of a job and couldn't get one. Turned around to people who knew me well, who I knew liked me. Crazy about me. I knew there's good friends, except when I'd go see them, they'd say, you don't want this job. I wanted the job. No, you don't want the job. I said, hell, I want the job. Then this guy says, you just don't want this job, Jim, which I could begin to tell that they were going to feel better.

they were going to feel better. Now, they didn't hate me. They didn't treat me badly.

[00:15:05]

through that door and it closes, they're going to feel better. Well, I knew how to apply for a job. And then you go, make one call, apply for one job. I didn't know. I turned over to the Lord. That's what I was doing. And then I went out and got drunk. I did that one day at a time. So, I did that for about two weeks straight and nothing happened. So, I thought, well, I'll just take the day off. It's Friday anyway.

So, I went out to the golf course and ate an old egg and an old piece of toast. I know it's old, went down old. Then I walked around the other side of the golf course whereby this guy ran this beer joint, which was a personal friend of mine, the only guy I had left that understood what was going on and how bad things were. And he said, God, you look terrible this morning. I said, you know, I believe I'm coming down with something.

He said, the way you look, I think you need a beer. And I said, oh, my God, it's only 9.15. I didn't want to drink in the morning. You know, 10.30 is noon for Baptists. He said, the way you look, I don't think it'll make any difference. So, I drank half that beer and sprayed the golf course with it. I don't mind spraying if you don't lose your concentration. Then you lose your concentration, it gets in your nose and burns and makes you upset.

I already knew how to meditate before I got here. I don't ever meditate that close anymore. When it's stringy, you don't know where the end is, and you can't breathe. Just you, God, and the commode. Don't know whether you're staying or going. I just don't meditate that close anymore. They ought to use that commode deal for energy. Even in the hot summertime, it was always cool. You know, when you go in depth in that meditation, you have to rest after it's over.

Anyway, I told this guy, I said, you know, I believe I better go home. I think I really may be having something. I think I'm going to need to go lie down. I always liked to lie down anyway when I was vibrating. So, I went home and sat down in the couch. I called all the Jim W.' together. I love to have a meeting with me because I can decide a lot of things. And a lot of times, I don't even have to go anywhere.

I used to try to sell, still do. But I don't decide things like I used to. I used to, I'd be driving on the way to that hospital, and by the time I got there, I'd already decided what he was going to do. I didn't even have to park. I didn't even have to go in. I knew he wasn't going to buy anything. I just got back in the car and went on to the beer joint and waited till tomorrow. Start out again tomorrow. I love to have meetings with me.

Because I can decide everything. And I decided, I know what I'll do. I'll commit suicide. And those guys will worry about not hiring me for the rest of their lives. But I didn't know how to do it. You know, they don't teach it in school or church. They ought to teach it. We don't know how to do it, you know, and half of us are going to need it. And this was before overdose was popular. I'm from the old cold turkey suicide school.

You're going to miss half your suicide. You're not going to remember anything with the pump if you do it this new method. Well, guns make a lot of noise, and I didn't want to hear any noise. And they splatter all over everything anyway. And razor blades were kind of popular then. Of course, I didn't know how to do it. I'd read in the paper, cut their wrists with a razor blade, died. And now you've got a number, just call it.

Suicide, just call it, they'll tell you how to do it. I see it on television. I thought, God, everything I need to do now, I don't need to do it anymore. I don't need to do it anymore. Everything I need to do then, nobody helped me. Well, I knew you couldn't do it in the living room. You'd get blood all over the carpet. I'm always thinking of others. So I went in the bathroom and got on the throne, got my razor blade and cut both wrists just a little bit.

And I'm just sitting there listening to the drip, thinking about how them guys are going to have to live the rest of their lives, knowing what they did to me. About that time, the phone rang. God, I had to call another media. What if where I'm going, I always wonder who that was called. That'd be enough to run you crazy. So I put a Band-Aid on my wrist right quick. Well, I never had done it before, I didn't know either.

One night, we was over at the club and some gal called Eloise, said, my husband's dying, he cut his arm off. I went over and had a big old gas there, he didn't die either.

[00:20:02]

So I did as good as he did. And I put a Band-Aid on my wrist and answered the phone. It's the police. God, they need this program bad. A whole group of them. I've never talked to one of them yet, didn't have a personality change. They kind of started out like the preacher, you know, they said, come go along with me. And just as soon as you start explaining to them, you're not going, hell, they go crazy.

And when you're telling them, hell, I'm not going, I'm going home. Then they go nuts. Then you have to pacify them and go with them. And this guy said, where were you last night? I said, was right here. He says, no you wasn't. I said, how do you know? We was there. Then I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I'd already learned, don't talk to anybody who knows more about where you've been than you do.

And he gives you one of those silly options. Either come down here or we'll come out there. I said, I'll be right down there. And I hung up and I said, I don't like either one of those. I think I'll just leave town. People don't like me here anyway. Treat me like a dog. I've worked hard and done well except on a few Mondays. So I just got my old clothes and dirty clothes and clean clothes, put them in the car and mail the keys to the folks that own the place and left.

Well, I had $36, which is plenty to start a new career anyway. You know, when you're like we are, we don't need a lot. Except the next morning I waked up in this town and I only had seven. And I said, I wonder how my folks are getting along. Hadn't talked to them in quite a while. All of a sudden got real lonesome for them. So I called them. They said, where are you going? And I had to think of a town right quick that was west because I knew I was headed that way.

And I said, I'm going out there and meet a friend. I hadn't met him yet, but I know he's there. And they said, why don't you come by? We'd like to see you. And I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I'll just take the time to do that. Even though I was busy. And I went by and I never cheated my folks out of their money. I gave them their money's worth right there. They knew they weren't going to get it back, so I had to give it to them right there.

I told a beautiful story. I used to love to hear my stories. Never had a bad one. Horrible. The way people treated me and the way things was happening in my life was totally, absolutely, completely horrible. And you get to listen to that and you know it's true. And the further you go, the truer it gets. My God, no wonder I cried at the end. Didn't they cry? And old John said, well, old Jim's honest.

Let him have a hundred. Be surprised how nice things are feeling already. A hundred and seven. You can even go in a different direction starting your career now. I had never been to the Rio Grande Valley in Texas. And I knew that I, a guy that went down there five years ago, and you know what I like about us? We never call to see if they're still there. It's only a 10, 12 hour drive down there anyway.

It's downhill all the way. In fact, you almost run out of country. You got a little creek down there and they change languages. But you can get a job down there if you're breathing almost because nobody goes through down there. And they hired me after three weeks. I still had, and fortunately the manager was a drunk like me, so we did well together. Understood each other perfectly. Discussed lots of things.

Never did anything about it, but we discussed it every night. And I learned how to get up, throw up, and get to bed early and get drunk early. And I was trying to go with women as best I could. I was just really doing the very best I could. I was trying to go with two. And I didn't do real well. You know, you call them about 4 or 3 in the afternoon and say, I'll see you about 7. And it may be four or five days before you get by there.

But this one was a little different. Chemistry than that other. We finally had our third good fight. She was really the one. When you can really have love that great before you know you got it. Our last fight was about 11 o'clock one night when I was getting ready to leave her house. And evidently, when I started to go to the bathroom, she thought of something she needed to tell me that wouldn't wait.

So we ended up going to the bathroom and she said, you know, she thought of something she needed to tell me that wouldn't wait. So we had our last little discussion meeting in the bathroom. And the bathroom was not very large. All of the items there were very firm. When you hug and fall head first in the bathtub and fall around,

[00:25:01]

you look bad after you stay in there about 15, 20 minutes for the high-level meeting. Well, I got out of there and went home and don't remember too much about any of it. I was in a trailer behind a motel. Didn't have to worry about the yard because it was a gravel alley. But you didn't, I was single anyway, I didn't have time, I was busy a lot, so I didn't have time to mess the yard anyway. And about that time, I'm laying there and this is one of those mornings that I must be going to leave somewhere in a hurry because I still had my clothes on.

Without even praying for it. And when they do that to me, well, I'm just shocked. Then I got up and I got to the door and looked down there at that white shirt, opened that door, and there's a Baptist preacher and there's blood all over that shirt and you don't think I had any anxiety there, do you? Just went. And he said, Come go along with me. And I knew then, somebody's done something somewhere.

And I said, Come along with me. Went on over there. We went over to her house and then I knew I had some connection with her. And we had a meeting. And I walked in, I said, God, she looks terrible. Wonder how I look. I was already feeling around, seemed like I had some bad spots. I said, I've got to go to the bathroom. And I went in there and she looked fantastic. I said, Hell, I'm 35 years old. It's time for me to settle down.

You can't keep getting married. I was getting married all my life. I knew that was it. And that one, I got married every year, just never could get it going. So we decided to get married and get married to the first Baptist church so it would work. Get married at 10 o'clock in the morning, nobody drinking, so it would work. And her friend came and he said, I want you to know, I did not come to see you do this.

We came here because nobody believed it. And he said, I want to tell you something, the longest bet on this marriage is three weeks. Some of her friends didn't even speak to my friends. But we showed them. We hung in there for eight years. But my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace. I'd get up in the morning, grab that coffee and go in that bathroom, throw up like you're supposed to.

I was always going to quit smoking because it made me throw up in the morning. And she's telling me what I am through that door and I've got to get up, set, go to work, run out and get drunk, come home, tell her what she is. And we did that one day at a time. Well, I lost that job. Couldn't get one. After two months of looking, a guy that owned a drug company hired me. He was a drunk like me. It took him about a month and a half to get rid of me.

But the way I applied for that job, he said, you know, you and I know each other. Why don't you just meet me down at the cafe? I said, what time? 10.30. That's my time. And I met him down there. He said, before breakfast, would you like a beer? I said, oh, I'll get one. 2.30 that afternoon, we end up down on the coast on Padre Island. Beautiful place. Didn't get to see it, but it's beautiful. And we had a sandwich about three, drank beer again until nine.

Some guy wanted to demonstrate a boat. And he came in. There's two girls there from Kansas. Said they'd never been on a boat. And I wanted to be hospitable like y'all are, you know. And I took some beer in case it was going to be a long ride. It was not a long ride. And it had gotten dark. This guy used this little light to get out of these little channels or whatever you do in those boats. I knew a lot about them.

And then he opened that thing up. And it's sticking up like that. And we're flying underneath that causeway and going out in the Gulf. And about that time, everything went out. Next thing I know, the guy said, Jim, help me. And I said, God, I didn't know what he wanted me to do. She's like that. This other guy's there. And I'm on top of him. And those two are in the back. And they're fine. And we're knocked out.

And they put me back in the boat. And I can't breathe. And the water's coming up there, you know. Well, that's it. I'm going to drown out there in that place.

[00:30:01]

What had happened? They got pilings and stuff out there Beautiful deal, I just didn't know what was going on. Guy did a hell of a job, he hit it just right, right in the middle. And the boat kind of, the tide was coming in so it threw us back to shore. And it was a little old town out there, just a fishing town. And I knew that doctor because I worked the fishing tournament down there every year. And I took us all up to the doctor and said, God, we're just bleeding, that guy's bleeding, and this gal, she was hollering, and old Bill was trying to say, shut up, shut up.

I don't know why she was hollering, her leg was only broken three places. And I went up there and knocked on the door of the doctor, and the doctor says, God, Jim, you know I don't do anything but abortions. I said, oh my God, that's right. So they took us to a hospital 30 miles away and then put us, and some idiot called their wives, my wife checked the women out first. They put us all in separate hospitals.

We had all just had two beers. And I got the job. But it took him two months to ship me to a little old town out in west Texas where they have 536 people there and 36 of them are making a living. And he sent me there saying he wanted me to learn the drug business. He sent me there because nobody else would go. It wasn't too long after that, about five months, but what really happened to me, I'm standing in those drugstores, I've never really worked at that job, and I'm standing there vibrating in the middle of that drugstore.

They don't sell anything in there, you know, it's just little old cokes and stuff. And this pharmacist says, God, you look like you're going to fly apart. I said, any minute. He said, well, take some of these. That was before Valium, I understand this better. You can really get both eyes crossed and see straight with Valium. It was Librium. And I took two of them and nothing happened. Well, hell, I took two more.

And then it happened. I had to weave. You know, even if I fell, I knew I didn't have to. And then all of a sudden your knees just go pew. I thought, God, I've got to learn a new stance. So I took those pills in the daytime and drank beer at night. If I was going home early, I switched to bourbon. It's the only decision I had to make at night. And then I was a guy recommended me for a job I hadn't seen in about 12 years.

It was back in Houston. And I ended up getting the job. They flew me to Huntington, Indiana. I didn't know what they sold. And I was 44 years old. And I said, Lord, I can't tell them I don't know. And they didn't know why I was there. And I couldn't help them because I didn't know why I was there either. But I got the job. And I ended up back in Houston. I'm not worried about my drinking. Watch their names, the problem.

And my work. Outside of that, I'm fine. I get drunk on occasion. I black out most every night, but not every night. My ideal time is to black out the door. I used to love to drive, you know, when your stripe goes to the right. I'd always say, I want to ask old George when I go back tomorrow night if his stripe always goes to the right. But I never remembered until that night. And then I liked it when you don't have anything to do, so you just close one eye.

I don't know where I learned that. That stripe just comes back. If you want a little more light, just open both eyes and you've got two taillights up there. It turns into eight. Gives you something to do on the way home. A lot of people just have to sit there and be bored and drive. I lasted nine months. None of the customers saw me drunk. I'd just go, leave them, have a drink, and go get drunk. I've been drunk at parties many times, at ones that were still inviting me.

I did this a thousand times. I went over to this guy's house. It was the day before Christmas Eve of 1965. On one side of Houston, I went to their house to meet their folks. Blacked out right at the door. Go one side of Houston back. Didn't remember what I did at the house. I called back, and they had never said anything. They never told me what I did. I'd say, I'm sorry about last night. Wanting to know what I did.

And they don't have to make amends, so I'll never know. And they'd just say, Jim, you just got drunk. And I was really getting tired of being a drunk. I was really getting tired of people telling me that. But I didn't do anything that Christmas Eve morning any different than I'd done many mornings.

[00:35:00]

I got up, total fright. Didn't know where the car was. Looked out there, and there it was. Parked funny, but it's back. Don't know who drove it. And I went out there and walked around it. No due dents. No blood. And I just go into fright. I'm okay. And I came back in. No what's-her-name went next door. And I looked up in the phone book. I guess heard it on the radio. The reason why I still love to hear those spots and see those spots going.

I looked up under Alcoholics Anonymous. And I looked up Intergroup. And I called her. Hell, this gal act like she's glad I called. I should have known then there's something wrong with this outfit. People usually are not too glad I called. She said, somebody will be right out. Well, I waited an hour. Nobody showed. And it looked a nice box. Had three beers, 10, 15. Well, don't need them anyway. It's Christmas Eve.

Now, I couldn't remember who I called. About that time, the phone rang. Guy said, I'll be right there. Before I could tell him I didn't need him, he hung up. I said, well, I'll just get rid of him. Here he come. Had a book under his arm. Looked like a deacon. Had a pointed nose, little short guy. Wasn't smiling. Oh, I said, well, I know what he's going to do. We're going to read that book and pray.

I should have been baptized. I've been rededicated 10 times. He opened that door. I don't know what he said. I don't know. We didn't pray. We didn't read that book. He didn't have a good personality. He kind of grins all he did. And about that time, old what's-her-name walked in. He says, you want to go with me? And I didn't, but it's better than staying with her. Got in that car and he hit that loop.

And God, I could tell he wasn't my kind of guy. I've gone off with a perfect stranger. I don't have my card. I know better than that. And I go into total flight again. And I said, you see that 7-Eleven over there? I've got to have a beer. He said, I don't want a beer. God, I knew it. I was with the wrong guy. I waited about 12 more seconds. I said, either let me out here on the freeway or take me to that 7-Eleven.

I've got to have a beer. I've got to have it right now. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? I said, oh, yeah, I can do that. And he drove and drove and drove over kind of a bad neighborhood. Just kept driving. This bad neighborhood. Finally drove up in front of this old house. Just two or three of the cars looked pretty good. The rest of them looked about like mine. I thought, well, when I get some money, I'll help these folks.

We opened the door and there was some deacons over there talking about women in the stock market. And I found out later on I didn't know anything about either one. Had an old bar back there in the back with an old, I bet the linoleum was worn out when they put it on there. And the bartender didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did. Found out later this was a program of attraction. So I called up that bartender and he said, mix him up a little milk and honey.

I said, my God, what do you put in it? I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you know, you're nervous. I said, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you. Besides all that, you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol. And the honey's already been digested. Indigestion's not my problem. You know, if you throw up right, you don't have indigestion. Well, I drank half of it and it curdled and came right back up.

He said, don't worry about it, we'll have plenty. Boy, the smart one said, walk all you want to. Well, I don't want to walk at all. In fact, I want to go home and get in my car and get rid of the whole bunch. Finally took me home about 6 o'clock. I said, let me out in front. I thought I'd slip by and get in my car and get away from the whole bunch. What's their name and all? Don't use anybody saying me.

He said, eat something if you can and I'm going to pick you up in an hour. I said, what for? He said, we're going to a meeting. I said, where? Right back where we were. I said, my God, we was there all day. God, he came back. I wanted to leave, but I didn't. Went there over a four hour meeting. He said it lasted an hour. Right back in the same place. Took me to a meeting every night.

[00:40:00]

Every night. Called me every living morning. Couldn't get rid of that deacon. When I saw men and women getting in those cars leaving, I'm the only one that's not invited. I've got the only character that nobody likes. And I'm stuck with him. Because I know what they're doing. After you're in there a while, you go have a little drink and do what you're supposed to do. I understand that. But they're not inviting us.

They're going, though. I lasted three months and nothing happened. I went home and got mad and went out and got drunk. They're all back through the crack of the door, you know. You don't even have to open it. Just come through the crack. Old Jim's back. They know you've been drunk. I don't care what you say. They know. They've been talking about it. They say they don't, but they do. Hell, you can tell by looking at them.

Because they run up like you've been gone somewhere. Hell, you haven't been gone but two days. They run up there. Oh, my God. Everything's going to be all right. Hell, it ain't going to be all right. Going to adjourned old meetings every night? Twice on Saturday and Sunday. I thought the badness was bad. They have a continual revival. Well, I did that for three more months and went to work at a convention.

They didn't know how to tell me what to do. They told me to not drink and call AA. And I said, what do you do? I know that. So I just went up there and didn't call AA and didn't do anything but drink. I came back and they said, well, we gave you two things to do and you didn't remember either one of them. I guess we're going to have to give you this program a lot easier than giving you too much at one time.

You just can't handle it. They really make you feel good here, you know. I resigned from AA. I worked my penis long enough, so I just resigned. And then a guy called me the next night and said, my wife was working and I got drunk and I want to go back to AA and I wondered if you'd go with me. I said, make it perfectly clear, I'm not coming back. I've resigned. It does not work for me. But if it'll help you, I'll go one more time.

That slip he had was three years ago. They don't lie to you, but they just use it like they want to. After that meeting, that little guy called up and he says, don't you ever call me again. I said, I've got news for you. I didn't call you in the first place. They did. I never liked you from the first day I saw you. And if I had as bad a personality as you do, I'd go back to drinking. And you don't have to worry about it.

I'll never call you again as long as I live. I didn't until the next morning. He said, meet me at the club. And I walked in that door. He said, get your coffee and sit down and talk to you like a dog. He said, now I want you to look me straight in the eye and I want to tell you something. You've been here nine months. You've gotten drunk three times, three months apart. You haven't heard a damn thing.

Now I want you to look me in the eye because I want to give you something you haven't heard. There's absolutely no failure in Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous does not fail. Al-Anon, Al-A-Teen, Al-A-Tot or Al-A-Dog does not fail. Provided you do exactly what I tell you to do. The way I tell you to do it. And an alcoholic will flounder for years. So we're going to give you a decision to make.

You're either going to do exactly what I tell you to do, the way I tell you to do it, or you're going to go right back out that door. I said, well, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you was going to do. I said, do you mean to tell me that you all don't care whether I want to do this or not? He said, not at all. I said, well, if you're sure you don't care whether I want to or not, and you'll make it perfectly clear I don't want to, I'll do it.

He said, well, first of all, you've got to know that you're thinking that's wrong. I said, how much of my thinking is wrong? He said, we always start with all of it. And if there's any, any good, we'll let you know. I said, you put a sign up there that says, think, think, think. He said, that's for us. He says, now, we're going to give you some things. He says, now we're going to give you some things not to do.

Now the things we're going to give you not to do are going to change.

[00:45:01]

And then we're going to give you some things to do. Now the things we're going to give you to do, you'll always do them, you'll just add two. Then it'll happen over here. I said, what's going to happen over there? We don't know. I said, my God, if you don't know, how am I going to know? He said, oh, you'll know. I said, when? He said, right after that. I said, I don't understand anything you're telling me.

He said, now you got it. I said, you didn't hear me. I told you I did not understand. He said, and that's it, and don't you ever forget it. There's two things you're going to remember the rest of your days, every single day. One of them is that no matter what's going on in your life, no matter what the situation is, you do not understand. And then you'll have understanding. And when you get to where you won't try to understand, you'll enjoy not understanding.

And the other one is no matter what happens to you, no matter what you think's going on in your life, no matter what you think somebody's doing to you, no matter what you think God's doing or not doing, remember, it's never them. It's always you that needs to become different, no matter what the situation is. I said, do you mean to tell me that I'm going to always be wrong? He said, this has nothing to do with who's right or who's wrong.

It's that whatever goes on in your life, you must become different than you've ever been before. And that's a continual process of going through different situations for you to become different. Never them. He said, now I'm going to tell you the thing that got you here, and the thing that's going to keep you from getting everything that's here. This can either ruin you or make you. But what happened to you out there, the reason you got here is because, and after you got here you couldn't get it, because you knew you knew.

And as long as you know you know, you'll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do, then you'll begin to know you don't know. Then you'll begin to know. I said, hell, you're crazy. And he said, I know. I said, okay, what is it you want me to do? He said, well, first of all, you've got to learn what not to do. You don't know how to not do anything. You've got to not do it this way or I won't give you what you want.

You know that number I gave you that's on that card where it was my number and four other guys and intergroup and the club? I said, yeah. When you get squirrely, definitely before you take a drink, definitely before you take a pill, when you get squirrely, you call one of those numbers or come to the club or go to intergroup or call them. If you don't do it that way and just gut it through and still don't take a drink, they won't give you what you want.

Now, that's the way we're going to not do something. And that's going to change the things that we'll be not doing throughout our life. And now I'm going to give you the things that you're going to begin to do. In the morning when you get up, I want you to get out on your knees and say these words and these words only. God, take me today. Let me be what you want me to be. Let thy will only be done in my life.

Help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug. You don't need to tell God anything else. You don't need to give me any instructions. You don't need to get into it any more than that. That's all you need to tell him. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. I said, why before I go to the bathroom? You may not need to go. I said, do you mean to tell me that you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom?

He said, we'll find out. So the next morning before I got out on my knees, I said, God, you and I know. He don't know. He's a Presbyterian. You know he doesn't know.

[00:50:00]

But we're going to do exactly what they tell us, just exactly the way they tell us, so when we get through, we can tell them, see, they did not know. I got out on my knees and did that little prayer, called him. He said, go to the bathroom, meet me at the club. He didn't even ask me where I needed to go. I made sure I needed to go. Met him at the club. He said, go to work. I said, I couldn't go to work yesterday. I hate my job, you know.

He said, why couldn't you? I was sitting in the chair and I've been thinking about it, thinking about all the reasons I hated it. I just couldn't go. He said, well, you just don't know how. I said, oh, do you know how? He said, oh, yeah. I said, how? Go get in the car. Worked. I just didn't know how to do it. Didn't like it any better, but it worked. Then meet me back at the club. And they tell you, God, they tell you right in front of everybody too.

They let you know that you're the ones that's two years old and they're big daddies. Walk in the club, he says, get your coffee and you can sit with us. Right before everybody, like I haven't got sense enough to go get the coffee. And then when you're almost comfortable, almost, he says, well, you better go on home and eat and come back to the meeting. Right in front of everybody, like he doesn't have sense enough to go home and eat and come back.

And after the meeting, he said, I want you to go home and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God for the day. It's been a miserable damn day. I've been to another miserable damn meeting. And I'm not going to be a hypocrite. And he says, do you mean that you think that you feel you're not sincere towards God? I said, you betcha. He said, remember, we're not depending on the way you think about it at all.

It's only the action that you're doing that's making you different. Your thinking has nothing to do with it. So you know all those things you thought all day today? I said, yeah, that has nothing to do with what's happening to you. I said, you'll really enjoy it more when you get to where you're not so tied up. I said, do you mean all of my thinking's wrong? He said, ever living bitter. I said, are we not going with my thinking at all?

He said, not at all. We're not going to depend on you at all. I said, hell, you're eliminating me. He said, wouldn't that be fantastic? I said, do you mean what I say and the way I say it doesn't have anything to do with it? He said, not a bit. Well, I just went home and I went in there and locked that door so what's-her-name couldn't hear me. We had a two-holder anyway. And I went in there and got on my knees and I said, okay, by God, God, thank you for a miserable damn day.

Amen. Hell, he don't care and God don't care. Hell, I ain't going to care. About two months after that, I was riding down the 610 loop one morning. I didn't do anything any different that morning. I didn't do any every morning. The only thing he had to do, he says, when you get in the car, just invite God into the day. And that's what I did, besides my prayer. And God moved into that car with me that day.

And that was my first time to know God as a friend. I did not know him as a friend and he moved in and stayed with me all day long. And for the first time in my life, I knew I knew something that God lets you know. He let me know that I was never going to have to drink again unless I insisted upon it. And I knew I knew that. I knew I knew I'd never have to drink again unless I just did it in spite of myself.

That was my first good day in Alcoholics Anonymous. And God, it was fantastic. And before that day was over, I thought, man, we're going to get some tamariz and a tent. Old Oral and Billy better look out. Because we're coming. He was 20 minutes late getting back to the club. And just as he walked through that door, I said, get your coffee and sit down. The Baptist has taken over. He did. They like that, by the way.

They frown on their children telling them what to do. And he just got his coffee and sat down quietly. Not happily. And I told him about the deal. I started telling him about some ideas and he said, wait a minute. Kind of grin, but that is all. He said, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. And he said, some are sicker than others.

[00:55:06]

I said, what are you going to do about old Watson? And he said, nothing. I said, I'm not going to go through that with you. I said, I'm leaving my marriage just like it is. He said, half the people that come to AA are married right. And some of them should never be married. I said, we don't use anybody but the master counselor. We don't use professionals, non-professionals. Nobody knows until you find out.

And you don't know until you find out. So I'm going to send you to a guy that's worked his out and he'll help you with it. I went over to see this guy and he's Episcopalian. He said, what do you want? I said, well, I want a relationship with a woman that I've seen some other men have. I don't want anything at all. I'll go do my way. But I just want to know if I can have it one way. If I can't have it, I'll go do my thing.

And he said, you remember that lonesome walk you took when you got to Alcoholics Anonymous? You really didn't fit in AA and you didn't fit back out there either? I said, yeah. If you're willing to make those lonesome walks, I'll not only guarantee you a happy relationship with a woman, and we don't know who that is. I'll give you a bonus. I'll give you a relationship with your fellow man that you could not believe.

And on top of that, a relationship with God that you could never imagine. I said, I don't believe that. He said, oh, we're lucky there. I said, what do you mean? He said, you don't need to. I said, what do you mean? He said, oh, just as long as I believe it, and we're going to depend on God, you don't need to believe it at all. We're just going to give you some things not to do. That's my hardest thing, by the way.

And we're going to give you some things to do. Now, first of all, I'm going to give you some things not to do. This is going to be a lonesome walk. You're going to find out some things about yourself. You're going to think you're the only one doing it. Nobody's suffering like you're going to be suffering, but you're going to need to do it. We're going to not tell her what she is anymore. I said, who's going to tell her?

She won't know, you know. And he said, and we're never going to do anything with anyone else, children or anybody. We're never going to use anything in any way, finances or anything, to try to get her to do things we want her to do. I said, never? He said, never. You've got to learn to do this anyway, if you're going to have a relationship with a woman, because you've got to learn how to set her free.

And you might as well practice on her. I said, if you left her now, you'd have to go find another one and just lock her anyway. And you're going to pray for her. I said, I'm not. He said, yes, you are, and you're going to say these words. God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. I said, I do not want God's will to be done for her as well as for me. He said, remember, what you want has nothing to do with it.

And I had to do that many, many times, and I had a bad case. And I had it bad. I couldn't even tell her, hi. Couldn't even say, I'm gone. They won't let you tell them what you're doing, you know. I just had to leave. I said, I had to leave. I had a bad case. I could see her. I knew what she needed to know. I knew what to tell her, but they wouldn't let me. So I had to leave. After about two months, this thing showed up in me that I had, that I'd written in my four-step, didn't know what it was, that I had this love-lust thing, whatever it was, with women.

And I knew if that wasn't removed, I could never have it. And I knew I needed it. I told my sponsor over and over again, and still I had it, and hurt and miserable. And I went to a meeting and told the whole group. Still had it. So I went to another group and told them, and one of them snitched on me. They don't gossip here, you know. They're just concerned. But it is right, isn't it? God, I haven't, that's what they told me.

what they told me, isn't it? I don't know what y'all laughing about. Don't tell me I've

[01:00:01]

misunderstood this whole thing ever since I've been here. Then he called me in like they always do. They called you in on the carpet and said, I want you to go home. I want you to get in an apartment. I want you to lock the door. She's gone. She's not in town. I want you to go over there and stay in that apartment all day long. You and God get rid of that. I said, how many days? He said, we do not know. But we're so sick and tired about hearing you and what's-her-name, that thing, we don't want to hear any more.

And I went in there and I prayed and cried and cussed and did everything all day long that night. The next day he wasn't there. God, I was afraid to go out. And I didn't tell him. They insulted me, so I didn't tell him for four days. After the fourth meeting, I said, well, I guess I might as well tell you. And he said, oh, we knew it the first night. I said, why didn't you tell me? He said, well, you know, when you came back after that last drunk, I said, yeah, we knew you weren't going to drink any more. I said, why didn't you tell me? Well, you need to know that you're always going to be the last to know. I said, why is that? He said, we don't know. We just know that you've got to become last before you become first, so you have to be last. I said, how long does that last?

He said, we don't know. I wish I could remember where we were. Do you have any idea? God, I didn't think anybody was listening. It's terrible to be standing up here and just go nuts. What did I say last? You love me. What? Oh. Well, see, I'm thinking about something else again. Oh, and after I got rid of that, after God removed that from me, then it was a funny thing. We didn't have anything. There wasn't anything wrong with her. When the sickness was gone, hell, there wasn't anything. There just wasn't anything. I never did know what to do with nothing. So I talked to him. He said, well, you know, we've taken her to Al-Anon, and they're depressing. I used to go home and say, anybody call one of those? He says, you know, God always tells you right in front of your face, you just never can see it. I said, God told you exactly what she thinks of you, but you can't hear that. So we got a divorce. She was the same lawyer, and we got the divorce. And when we got the divorce, why, she just had to explain to the lawyer what kind of guy I was. It took about an hour telling how sweet I was and everything. Now, for those of you who are worried about, oh, what's-her-name, I'm not. I saw her best friend about two months after this, and they said, have you seen, oh, what's-her-name lately? I said, no, I haven't seen her. How is she?

Happier than I've ever seen her. God, I started to call her. Now, hell, I'll bet you she's forgotten what's wrong with her. Better be ready to make the move. When God moves, he moves it. Well, they wouldn't let me go with anybody. And they told me if I ever associated with anybody over a period of time, I was going to have to establish one thing, and that was that God was to be ahead of everything in my life. It didn't make any difference what it was, and especially in a relationship with a woman. So I'd been calling on these hospitals, solar hospitals. I'd been calling on this girl in the hospital. We talked about God and work, nothing else. Now, I might have had a minor thought on occasions, but we never thought about it. I don't have flashes. I heard that 50-year-old men don't do that. So it must be the temperature. My wife told me that yesterday. It doesn't happen. I took this girl to a convention along with four other women, and the three other women accused me of going with her.

And I had some little funny feelings. It was different than those other funny feelings, but I couldn't do anything about it. So after I got back, I thought, man, it looked like something could have started over there. So I didn't know what to do. So I waited about three days, and I went to her hospital, and I said, we've got to go up to your office. We can't just have coffee and talk about God and work. I've got to talk to you about something else. We got up in her office, and I said, you know, I'm getting some funny feelings about you. I've got to tell you something, because I don't even know why I could even be falling in love with you. I don't know what's happening. But I've got to tell you that I cannot have an affair. My sponsor won't let me. And that looks funny to a 45-year-old

[01:05:06]

gray-haired man. I said, well, I guess I might as well tell you the rest of it. I'm an alcoholic. I go to AA every single night. I live in Alcoholics Anonymous. They don't let me do anything but go to AA and work. They don't let me do anything else. They check on me all the time, and I have to go all the weekends. I have to go twice, on Saturday and Sunday. And if I do anything, I've got to tell them. If I think about doing anything, I've got to tell them before I do it. I said, I'm scared to do anything, because you have to tell them if you do it without telling them. She said, what's it all about? Well, I don't know. They hug and kiss and cry and, you know, just do all those things and pray some and smoke a lot and gripe because the smoke gets in their eyes and drink a lot of coffee and gripe because they can't go to sleep. I said, I'll have to call my sponsor. And she looks funny. And I called him. He said, what have you been doing? I said, I haven't done nothing. He said, bring her over here. I said, you'll have to go see my sponsor. Took her over there, and he got out of his bookstore and went in this onesie meal, did the same thing, put me over there at the side, talked to her for an hour and a half. I said, hell, I believe he's going with her. He turned around and looked at me and said, well, God might be going to do something for you. I said, well, I know what to do now. Go sign old Jim's name, go on in there. I know how to get them started. All I need is a light. I've been on caution two years.

He said, no, you already know that if you don't have Al-Anon and AA and God in your home, you're not going to have it. Doesn't make any difference. You know that. There's no other way to have it. And if she may not like Al-Anon, she may not like this program and this way of life. And if she doesn't, the show's off. God, that hurts. I thought I was going to get the green light. I said, well, what am I going to do? And he said, nothing. God, that'll ruin you. Brain damage sets in every time, you know. I got relief from drinking. Well, I couldn't keep from telling her how to go to Al-Anon. I just had to do it. I said, now go on in there and don't tell them a damn thing. Just tell them your name's Eloise and don't tell them another thing. That's none of their business. It was some of their business. She said, my name's Eloise. And they said, what are you here for?

Well, I'm thinking about going alcoholic and we don't know what's going to happen. It took them two meetings to tell her what was going to happen. She didn't have to go find out. They explained it to her. And then I took her across town and she heard the woman alcoholic and she heard the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And she went back to that group and said, we have a program here and I want it. And we converted her. It took a little while.

They taught us how to pray separately and taught us how to pray together. Wasn't too long after that that we were thrown together. And we now have that relationship that God does give one man and one woman. And it is totally free. And I'm happy to say that God, A. A. and Al-Nahn lives in our home. She had three children. Not being, had to pray to become a father. I mean, pray to become a husband. Didn't know anything about being a father or a grandfather because they've been tied up. This older son was a Southern Baptist minister. When he got the word from his daddy that his mother had married an alcoholic, we didn't have to worry about him coming to our door right quick. About a year and a half later, we heard from them. And they came with their daughter and his wife. And I showed him the big book. He didn't like that much, but he kind of liked the twelve and twelve.

And then that little girl jumped, after three days, jumped up in my lap and said, Papa Jim, I love you. And they heard that. And that began to break the ice. And we now have an

[01:10:04]

excellent relationship. They're coming to us instead of their daddy. And he's a missionary down in Venezuela. But I had to go to my sponsor. Because I didn't know how to be a father nor how to be a grandfather. The middle boy had no problem. He came home with his wife and two children. And all he wanted to see was if his mother was okay. And she was okay and happier than she'd ever been. That's what he said. That's all he wanted to know, except they had one bad factor. They had a three-and-a-half-year-old wild thing. And you could tell right off, nobody knew what to do with it. It just did everything, and nobody could have any, nobody had any control over that. Well, I thought, we have a pool out there at the apartment.

I could arrange an accident, and this whole family will be better off. But I mentioned to my sponsor, and he said, That's not the way a grandfather acts. You may need to become different in that area. About five years later, they came to see us. And he loves his grandmother, and she loves him, I think, the most. And he came in and said, Nana, I don't know where you're going to sleep tonight, but I'm sleeping with Papa Jim. Well, the daughter was terrible.

Her lover married somebody else when she got out of high school. Her personality was horrible, just like a brick wall. Pretty girl. And she went off with a long-haired, bearded, pot-smoking character. Eloise and Al-Anon did fine with that, even though I really need to tell them, try to help them with that. I thought they weren't going to get that adjusted right. They were missing a lot of good points. But thank God you taught me, bust, but don't say anything. And sure enough, she let her go. And it wasn't too long after that, that boy cleaned up, got off that pot, used some of our program, I didn't even know he had it, used some of our literature and our work, went back to college. Two years ago, in February, they had their first baby. Called for her mother to come down there, and then after they had the baby, called for me to come. Took me in that room, and she's a delightful girl to be around today. And took me in that room and said, this is your granddaughter. I want to make sure you see her now, at least every two months, so she'll know who her grandfather is. I called her that night before we was leaving, and the only thing she could say on the phone was, Papa and Nana and blah, blah, blah, blah. But I told her we was coming anyway. And the son-in-law lost his dad from what we think is alcoholism about ten years ago. And he came up last Thanksgiving, two years ago, said, I just want you to know that you're the only father that I've ever had. And he does work this program in their life, they just go to meetings mostly when they're with us. I'm very glad that I know some things tonight, about you and I, that I know I know. I know that you and I were sent to A.N., to Al-Anon, because it was designed a way of life for you and I, and I know I know that. Some of us turn it down, and some of us don't like it, some of us don't do it. But I know I know that God sent us here, and this was to be our way of life. And I'm glad to know that you and I are right on time. We're not late, we're here just exactly at the time, right tonight, in our lives that we need to be. And I know that some of those turns that I thought if I could have turned right instead of left, my life might have been different up there tonight. But I know I know tonight, it was designed to be just as it is. I also know that I know I never could find it anywhere else. And after I get here, it's not anywhere else. And I know I know that.

And I know the only thing I didn't know, was what I'm knowing more and more all the time. That I know that I begin to know, and know more that I'm a child of God, just like you. I'm grateful I stayed with you long enough that I could feel what God has for his children. And I'm grateful I stayed with you long enough that you taught me a life that doesn't cut me off from the God who loves us so much. And I'm grateful I So Much. And I'm grateful I stayed with you that long enough that I could feel that morning, in that car, this God is a friend, that I could feel Him loving me and me loving you. But see, the difference is you. The difference is you. There's absolutely no way that a man's going to have a relationship with God without having a relationship with his fellow man. It's impossible. I could never have the

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right relationship with God or my fellow man until I got here. But the difference is you. It was you who I had to be sent to. I had to be prepared to send me to you, just like it is right now, when I can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.