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Source: DICOBE-00458 – Peggy M – 20TH ANNIVERSARY FOXHALL GROUP – 1984-02-04.mp3 File: dicobe-00458-peggy-m-20th-anniversary-foxhall-group-1984-02-04.mp3 Duration: 01:05:04
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But I do believe that God gives us the knowledge at the time our pigeons call us to give them whatever it is they need if it's only an ear to listen. And I'm sure that she has given you not only one ear but both many, many times and you guys are all sober and that's great. And I love you too because you're my granddaughters, my great-granddaughters, my great-great-granddaughters and I don't know how far it goes but that's all I'm going to say.
You have a great sponsor and I'd like to introduce her, Peggy. I'm going to try to start off good. Thank you, Pat, for the Kleenex. I'm Peggy M. and I'm an alcoholic. I'm Peggy! Through the never-ending grace of God, your fellowship and sponsorship, I have been sober since February the 4th, 1964. Hallelujah! Now, lest you suddenly think that, you know, somebody told me last night that they heard that when you got 20 years of sobriety, you turned into a virgin.
And that didn't happen. Someone else told me that when you got 20 years of sobriety that, you know, you didn't really suffer from, you sort of became an automatic saint. And that didn't happen. And it's not likely to, believe me, because any of you who know me know that I suffer from. I woke up this morning with the same crappy attitude. I always wake up with, you know, oh, my God, it's 9 o'clock already.
Can't I sleep another hour? But then I remembered that it was my anniversary, so I said to myself, shape up and be grateful, you know, that you're sober. So I still have all of my character assets and defects. I'm just me. I'm just me. And, you know, it feels very good to just be me. Not to have to be what you want me to be. Not to have to be anything less than you want me to be or more than you want me to be.
Just to be. You know, just to be. There, you know, there is something. I just can't stand somebody who wonder fools around. You know, if you're wonder fooling around, I'm suspicious of you. You know, because, you know, I never have 12 consecutive wonderful hours. Somebody always comes along and louses it up. You know, that's just the way it is. I don't take any mood-changing drugs or mood-altering drugs or mood-altering alcohol, but I sure do meet a lot of mood-altering people.
So just relax, you know. I'm not going to go around glowing because I have 20 years. You won't have to be anything special. All you have to be is just you with all of your defects because I have them all. And I think it's God's ironic joke that Jean and I, one of the reasons I picked her was because she was sober longer than I was. And I was brought up to believe in AA that those people who are sober longer than you probably know more than you do about staying sober.
That just makes good sense.
[00:05:00]
The second thing is because she was there. She was active. She was at meetings. And she was not afraid to speak her mind. I like that. And I liked it, too, because she was raunchy. You know, she was forthright. You know, she was honest. And she wasn't wonderful. And that's really, and it's been a delight. My admiration, my love for her has grown through the years of knowing her. And it has for all of the people that I sponsor and all the people in the program that I know well.
I want to thank you all for doing this. That's not enough. That's not enough to say thank you because when I think of the numbers of people that it took to put this on and the countless hours of unselfish labor that sweated from you selfish alcoholics, it just about blows my mind. We can only harness it. That is the point. We have harnessed it. I want to thank you for the cake. I know it was an illusion.
I just know those guys aren't real. I want to thank Katie and Leo and Ed. God bless you, Ed. Now, listen. I want to tell you something. There's something I've got to say, and I'm not going to pick on anybody. But Ed used to be Bellevue's Town drunk, and that's a fact. And Ed Morgan is here healthy and sober tonight. God bless you, Ed. And this is also, I share this date with Michelle Albia who has two years tonight, today, February 4th.
And let me tell you, those first two years are a lot harder than putting together 20, because you remember that second year when you become aware that you're aware. And you become aware that you're just really not what you really want to be. And there are all those SOBs out there trying to get you, every one of them. So I want to thank you. Thank you. And, you know, I always feel, no matter, you know, and I know that I always feel as though I never quite deserve the attention and the gifts and the love and that sort of thing.
And, you know, I thought about that. And I've heard people say, well, I do deserve these different things. But, you know, I am, I hope I always feel that way. I hope I always feel a little bit as though I don't deserve all of it. Because then I'll work at it and I'll work harder on myself and being unselfish, trying to be unselfish. And because I know, you know, I'll never get the job done. And that's all right, too.
I want to thank my mom and dad for being here tonight and for always being here. If it had not been for them, I probably wouldn't be standing up here tonight. My father took pretty big professional risk throwing me into a dry and out place in the country. Because at the time, alcoholism didn't occur in families or in the service. It just didn't. And he took a big risk with that. They stood by me. They have never questioned my participation in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Never. They have supported me in it. And the reason that they have, and I know this to be true, is because they have seen the change.
[00:10:07]
And I love them for it. And for being them. I won't hurt you, mother. No. And I want to thank my son, Jim, who is here tonight. And if you were 15 and going on 16 and as of yet a non-alcoholic, we don't know about that yet. No signs yet anyway, though he does love his Foster's Lager. All right. Because he's giving up a Saturday night. And that's pretty big at 15 and a half years old to give up a Saturday night.
And I love him. He wouldn't be here if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't really know, you know, how to, what to say. I have, I thought about what I was going to say today and then I started getting wise. You know what I mean? How am I going to strike them dead tonight? You know, I was getting clever and cute and I was trying to think of all of these phrases to use and everything. And so I was riding up in the van to pick up Jim.
He was practicing with a band up in Omaha. And I was riding up there with Dick and I was thinking of all these things I was going to say. And I got out of the van and I slammed my thumb in the door. And I'm standing out in the middle of North 44th going, shit, shit. And that's putting an end to all the meditation. Dick is running out being so nice and getting snow and I'm walking around with snow on my thumb.
It hurts terrible. At any rate, you know, what I remember about growing up is funny. You know, our view of ourselves is relatively, it isn't relatively, it is subjective. And particularly me, I seem to see myself from inside, inside. And I didn't want you to see me that way. I wanted you to see me the way I wanted you to see me, from the outside. And I remember little things in my childhood like Muggsy, my doll.
I remember being in elementary school in San Antonio. I remember getting into fights with chili peppers and rubbing them in people's eyes. And I remember, I did, yeah, that was a good trick, you know, you sweat and it just gets everywhere. I remember falling out of a tree, being stung by about three or four wasps in flight, so to speak. I remember feeling ornery, always, you know, always sort of ornery, different, and not really knowing why.
I remember lightning bugs in a jar. I remember being pretty smart. I remember getting into fights. But I always remember really basically just feeling odd. And I don't think I even identified whether I felt odd good or odd bad. I just felt odd. I was always sort of skinny. I was always sort of skinny.
[00:15:01]
And when I got bigger, I was just bigger skinny. And, you know, I never had any boobs at all. Even when I got big, big, I didn't. And I remember Dad does a lot of skeet shooting, and he used to give me little glasses of beer. And I don't remember anything about scrambled eggs or anything, you know. I don't remember about hamburgers or pinto beans or anything, but I remember beer. And that's odd. You know, I mean, most people don't, but I did because I loved it.
And later, when I would drink in my teens, it was not an everyday thing. It was just weekend stuff, the whole bit. But when I would drink, you know, everything would change. Things would change. I could forget that I had any tests. I could forget that I was working so hard. I could forget that I was so competitive. You know, I could forget that I was odd. You know, I could forget all of those things.
I could just be. I could just be. And, you know, it's as though when I drank, and this is the best description that I can come up with for me. It was as though it turned black and white TV into color. Everything had dimension. You know, everybody was, otherwise they were all kind of flat and boring. And then I would drink, you know, and they'd all liven up, you know. And I'd go out with some real turkeys as a result of that, you know, that I didn't really care that much about.
I remember drinking and it would go in my mouth, particularly beer, you know. And it would fizzle, you know. And it would kind of perk up your nose, you know. And my ears would kind of vibrate inside. And it would roll down your throat, you know. And it was warm, you know. And it would go down there and it would just light up your ribs, you know. And it would go bing, bing, bing, bing, like a pinball machine, you know.
And it would hit bottom and it would go boom, you know. And my boobs would grow. And waist would nip in. Boy, I was hot to trotsy. Because I didn't really have any feeling, you know. I mean, my main action with men at the time, and I think this is why, you know, my dad, honest to God, thought I was really kind of too ornery to get married. Look what I married, you know, ornery around. But for a long time I was.
But my big deal with men was competition. And then when I drank, it kind of took the edge off the competition. I think I was a woman's liver way back in those days. But the sad thing about it was that to get the desired result required more and more and more. And all of you have heard this. Most of you have heard my story. But I just had to drink more and more and more. And that's not normal. And one day, although it didn't happen all of a sudden, it just occurred to me somewhere along the line that the very things that I drank for in the beginning were the things that were slipping away.
Where it used to turn black and white TV into color, it was now black and white again. Where it used to be that I could drink for confidence, the confidence was the first thing that went. And by this time, by the time that I was 23 or 24 years old, I was drinking much more than anyone who was around me knew. Nob said something the other night which I think is very true.
[00:20:00]
Nob has a very keen, sharp mind. I would have never in my drinking days admitted to having anyone in my acquaintance who was sharper than I. But Nob is. He has a good way of looking at things. And he said that the first person we lie to when we are dishonest is ourselves and the second person is someone else. And it hurts us twice as much as it hurts the person that we are dishonest with. And I think that's absolutely true.
I didn't even know how much I was drinking. I didn't know what it was doing to me. All I knew was that for the last few years of my drinking, I was in almost constant pain. A pain of desperation, of being physically ill, a pain of insecurity, of that moment of clarity that is so terrifying to someone who is drinking. That moment that we wake up and there isn't anything there left. Where the bottle is empty and you don't know where the rest of it is going to come from, but you know you've got to have it.
Because I could not visualize life going on physically without alcohol. And when I had reached that point, I was still two years away from stopping drinking. I was still in the hospital. I was still in the hospital. I was still in the hospital. And when I had reached that point, I was still two years away from stopping drinking. And you know, if you're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, what you do when you get into those moments of terror.
You put one foot in front of the other and you go out somehow. I don't care what it takes. I don't care what you have to steal. I don't care what lie you have to tell. You will go out and you will get yourself something, somehow. And that's what I did. As a result of that, I was in exactly what the big book calls pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I knew better. I knew better. You know, I was thinking today, guilt gets a bad name.
You know, we're always saying, oh my God, guilt will get you drunk and all this kind of. Well, an excess of guilt will, but you know how not to have it? Quit doing the things that make you feel guilty. But if we didn't have any guilt, we wouldn't know what to quit, would we? If I hadn't had a conscience about the things that I was doing when I was drinking, I don't think I would have quit drinking until I died.
You know, an alcoholic is an addict with a conscience, and thank God for the conscience. Because that was the little still voice when I was sober, in between drinking. That was the still voice, the small voice that really brought me to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn't stand me doing the things that I was doing anymore. You know, there's a lot of stuff that could go along with that, but basically that was it.
That's, that was the bottom line. When I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to do nothing. I came in with a real snooty attitude. It was funny, because see, I was just absolutely terrified.
[00:25:02]
Just terrified. I had run on fear for so long, and I didn't even know that's what it was, because see, my pride wouldn't let me tell you. You know, there have been a lot of people lately who have put their pride aside, and who have said things in meetings, which they just, you know, they probably thought, well, I'll just take this one to my grave. I'll never tell anybody that. And they have said those things in meetings, and I say more power to them, because it took, you know, this is a funny thing.
You know, this is a funny thing, and I would like to, I'm going to dwell mostly on being sober in AA and so forth, and sponsorship and that kind of thing. The first, it took me five years in Alcoholics Anonymous to decide whether I was capable of loving someone. Cheryl called me today, and bless her heart, where is she? There she is over there. She calls me, and she says, well, I was going to put on your card, I love you very much, but I realized that I don't know whether I love anybody.
I don't know how to love, and then I was going to put, then I was going to put, if I knew how to love you, then I would love you. And she said, and then I thought, no, that's dumb, so I won't put that, because she won't understand what I'm saying. She'll think, oh, there she is, old sick Cheryl again. So, I said, Cheryl, just put, I love you, you know, just put it. Because I said, whether you know what it means or not, I don't care, you will, you will.
But that's so typical, because see, I didn't know whether I loved anybody. I was too terrified. Do you know what love is? Love is a responsibility. It means you have to be nice. It means you have to be pleasant. It means you have to be polite. It means you have to, watch it, feel things. You know, I spent a lot of my life trying not to feel things. You know, when I was growing up, I used to have these kind of premonitions, you know.
I was, I told you I was weird, you know, but I used to have these feelings of having been there before. Or I'd be in the presence of someone and I would feel what they were feeling. I think maybe I was just a little sick, but I mean, I really felt that way, you know. I think maybe I was just a little sick, but I mean, I really felt that way, you know. I really felt like I could, so I insulated myself from those feelings.
I insulated myself from feeling those things. You know, I just refused to feel. And if you refuse to feel long enough, your refuser builds up a little scar tissue. And you build walls between you and other people. And I had done that without the alcohol. All the alcohol did was just make it easier. It protected the wall. You know, alcohol was the outer stanchion. It was the thing that kept anybody from even getting to the wall.
Because I was very different when I was drinking. You know, I didn't have to be afraid of you coming anywhere near my wall. So I get to Alcoholics Anonymous and all these people are nice. And you know, they seemed to care. Not about me. No, sir, don't you come around me. Just like Lee McMullen. Big, tough toenails. Boy, I spotted her right off. You know, big old… I spotted her right off, you know, big old marshmallow, you know, dirty old black exterior,
[00:30:04]
you know, just burnt up and everything, and you just know there's just nothing but mush in there. She wouldn't cry at all the time, we had to shut her up, then we got Sandy, she wouldn't cry at all, you know, had to get her crying, come here with long hair, get it cut, come here short hair, grow it long, you know, we women have to change our minds, we've got to feel in control, you know how we are.
But I came to AA and they said, you know, they cared, they started getting through to me, they started pulling out pieces, and you know, they didn't even do it by saying you, they did it by saying I, you know, I'm this, I'm that. And I tried hard for years not to hear them. I tried so hard, you know, you would have been proud of me. I just sit stiff and starchy, intellectual, you know. I remember the first couple of years I was sober I wrote this paraphrase of the serenity prayer, because the serenity prayer wasn't good enough for me, I didn't believe in God.
And I wrote this long old rambling thing and I read it to some guy and he said, hmm, sounds like the serenity prayer to me. And it was. But I was always trying to, you know, do it a little differently. Does anybody relate to that? Just so you couldn't say that I was just like you, you know, I wanted to be just a little different. Well, I was a little different, all right, but it wasn't to my benefit, really.
So I tried hard for years and years for you not to get through to me and not to make me care about you, not to let you in, not to care about you. And you know the funny thing about this, you know, love is giving. But I think maybe an even greater gift, which all of you have, is in bringing out love. You know, bringing it out in somebody. You know, if you are in the presence of a hostile person, how do you feel?
Hostile. When you're in the presence of a nervous person, how do you feel? God, sometimes Jamie used to drive me nuts! You know, ahhh! You know, I take on every character defect that she has. Have you ever noticed that about it? You get in there working with a pigeon boy and all of a sudden you think, oh my God, I think I'm like her. Ohhhh! No! Anything but that! You get in the presence of a loving person and how do you feel?
Eventually, eventually you feel loving. Now you get in Catherine's presence and sometimes I thought about stealing. I got in Jill's presence and I thought about the Ramada Inn. Anyway. So I try for, you know, but you won, see? And I think that's really what the third step of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, that I never took or worked on one of those steps really willingly. I mean, do you set out of a day and say, today I'm going to do the third step.
I'm going to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. Big whoop. You know, that was my attitude, was kind of ugh. But it happens to you. It just happens to you. If you're in the presence long enough. The point is that you have to be here to get it. Now the difference, you know, the highest compliment that anyone could ever pay me is to say that I am a good AA member.
That says a lot. But in order to be a good AA member, I have to be in AA. I cannot be out there doing things at my convenience.
[00:35:11]
It can't always be at my convenience. I am at my very best when it is inconvenient. Because when it is at my convenience, it is on my terms. And have you ever told a drunk calling you at midnight to do it on your terms? He'll hang up on you. Well, you know, that's another story. But the point is that when I had done this long enough, what I actually did was I turned my will and my life over to the care of the group of people as I understood them in the meetings in Washington, D.C.
It took me ten years. It took me five years to decide whether I was going to allow people to love me and whether I was going to love them. It took me ten years to decide whether I was going to believe in God and whether I loved him. Now we were talking the other day, and I've thought a lot lately, about just exactly what the word action means. There is probably nothing in my life dearer to me than the privilege of sponsoring people.
And in sponsoring people, I have learned more about myself than probably you have learned about you in the exchanges that we have. But I have drawn from it in times when I didn't want to be nice. I have drawn from it at times when I didn't want to be loving. I have drawn from those people that I sponsor and those other people that I know in the program the sustenance and the survival that I need to go on and to keep going.
There have been times in my sobriety through the years when I have wanted to quit. Just quit. Just walk away. And then somebody would come along, and they'll say, I need this, or I need that, or are you going to see me at this meeting? And I think, oh man, here we go. And I go anyway. I know you're not going to, but I never want to be regarded as a wonderful person or a wonderful sponsor or a wonderful anything, because I'll tell you something, that's an awful big responsibility to be wonderful all the time.
I'm not wonderful. I'm good, but I'm not wonderful. Sometimes when you ask me a question, I surprise myself with the wittiness of my answer. And then you'll come back to me and say, that was just what I needed to hear, and I can't remember what I said to you. You give me credit for things that I never do. Sponsoring people is loving and caring and being scared. It's being scared. You know, how do you react when you're scared?
I get mad. I get mad. I have gone through different stages in sponsorship. I have been the very strict, very hard-nosed, very do it my way or the highway type of sponsor. And usually they told me where the highway was. I remember sponsoring this girl named Veronica, and many of you heard about this, but it's so clear in my mind. I had her backed up against the wall, and I had her shaking my finger at her, and I
[00:40:01]
was saying, you're going to be sorry, you're going to be sorry. That isn't helpful. She might be real sorry to this day, but that wasn't a helpful remark. Sometimes I have learned more in sponsoring from those that have failed than those that have succeeded so far. Every single one of the people that I sponsor has given me something unique. This is why I can never understand when people say Alcoholics Anonymous turns you into automatons.
I have never known a bunch of crazier individualists in my life. Every single one of them has some pink, some weird fart that's so interesting, you know. I can relate to every one of them, and that's scary because sometimes I haven't done any of that junk, you know. I don't know what they're talking about. I don't think that there is a geography lesson in the world that is more fascinating than an individual's topography, if you will.
I have never, ever been bored by anyone that I have ever sponsored, or for that matter any alcoholic that I have come to know. I'm not bored with them. I'm not bored with the program. The only time I am bored is when I am boring. And I am boring when I am thinking about myself. Have you ever really sat in your closet and thought about how it was? Or how you are? That's good for a whole day, you know.
Why don't you, if you really want to louse up tomorrow, why don't you start out by thinking how am I today? By ten o'clock, no, no, don't do that. If I sponsor you, don't do that. By ten o'clock, you'll be on the phone to your sponsor, oh, I'm just in terrible shape. What have you been doing for other people? Nothing but you see I have this terrible problem. What have you been doing for other people?
Well, you see I can't do anything for other people because I'm so busy thinking about my what are you doing for other people? I guess I'll start doing something for other people. This was a bit, you know, I am, I guess of average, I know I'm of average intelligence, above average intelligence, but you know some of the simplest things seem like miracles to me. You know like, don't take the first drink and you can't get drunk.
Oh, wow, what a. And I'd sit and think about that for hours, you know, trying to, you know, the simple logic of it, you know, and there's this guy named Hawkins who is, he's, his body is gone, you know, he's, he has some terrible disease and he can't, but this mind is whirling and he's the one who figured out the theory of the black holes and all this kind of stuff. You know, well, you get, if we could just harness the energy that goes into self-pity in this room, maybe we could be a Hawkins too, you know, and think about stuff like that.
The deal with AA and sponsorship and everything is to turn that around. I know I can feel sorry for myself. I know I can be into self-will. I know I can be angry. I know I can be afraid, but I don't know about the opposites when I come here. I don't know if I can have faith. I didn't know if I could have faith. I didn't know whether I could be joyful. I didn't know whether I could feel secure. I didn't know whether I could be loving.
I didn't know whether I could be unselfish. I didn't know whether I could think about you, but you told me that I could. And so I'd say, how do you know? And you'd say, because I'm doing it. Because I'm doing it, and I think, well, so, you know, a few little expletives in there. That's fine for you, because you're a fanatic.
[00:45:05]
But they would tell me that over and over, different people. And not only would they tell me, but they would show me. They would show me. And, you know, there are many members of Alcoholics Anonymous that I see, and they sit, and they talk about the love of God, and they talk about faith, and they talk about other things. They talk about how grateful they are. And I never see them anywhere, except sitting in that one chair in that one meeting.
I can't believe those people. What I want to see is I want to see them out holding some puking drunk's hand. I want to see them sitting eyeball to eyeball with a sponsor. I want to see them sitting eyeball to eyeball with someone that they sponsor. I want to see them picking up cups and throwing the ashtray stuff out. I want to see them putting on things like this. That tells me. That shows me. When they do that, when you do that, your actions speak so loud that I don't have to hear you.
You're just doing it. And it doesn't have to be those people that I observe, someone who is sober as long as I or longer. I have learned more from those people that I see who are not sober as long, because let's face it, there's a hell of a lot more of you. And what Dick was saying is true. I wish that I could guarantee to all of you that are in this room tonight that you're going to be sober this time next year.
But I can't guarantee that. The chances aren't very good, but by God, if each of you, and I mean by God, if each of you makes yourself a deal that on a daily basis you're not going to take that first drink and you're going to help somebody else, you will be here next year. I guarantee it. Unless you croak, of course, which is always a possibility. Not a very happy one, but at least you'll die sober.
One of the hardest problems that I have had since I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and still have today is one of faith. It is very, you know, it's funny. When we first, when I first came here, I thought I was real smart and had it all together. You know, I mean, I really did. I thought I was just, didn't have very many problems. I mean, I just had, I just drank a little too much. You know, and I didn't really have all these problems.
I suggest that if you're going to do anything dishonest, if you're going to screw around or you're going to steal or rob a bank or anything, you better do it in the first three or four years of your sobriety. Or if you're going to lie or you're going to cheat or anything like that, you better do it in those first few years because you're not going to be able to get away with it after that. And the reason I say that is that those walls begin to come down.
And along with the wall coming down arises something which has been dead or had been dead in me for a long, long time. And that is this dreaded thing called a conscience. And the longer I am sober, the less I can get away with. And it just makes me so mad sometimes. I would love to be able to get away with some stuff and I can't. I feel guilty over stupid stuff. I get mad at him and I feel guilty. I should rejoice, you know.
I'm still alive. I'm still fighting, you know. I get mad at Jim. I feel bad, you know. And so what do I, you know, what do you do? You know, what do you do? It's another one of those big revelations. You know, if you don't want to feel guilty, then don't yell at your kid. That's mind-boggling. If you don't want to get caught in a lie, what? Don't lie. But I have to. I just have to. It just comes out, you know.
[00:50:03]
No, you don't. No, you don't. You don't have to lie. You can sit there and just say nothing. My mother always used to say to me, if you don't have anything good to say about something, don't say anything at all. And I have sat in stony silence sometimes. My very body projecting exactly what I thought of you. So, you know, having run my life on fear and having had this wall fall down and start to fall down and the bricks to be removed and you to get in, God had to be there.
You know, it just got to the point. Alcoholics Anonymous is a very practical program. It is very practical. It is for the recovery from the disease of alcoholism, another real brilliant thought. But it is and it's the most successful one and it has reached an age of respect. We no longer have to be a secret society. We have gathered literally millions into our fellowship and it deserves that respect.
You know, this celebration tonight, I am amazed that I have been sober 20 years. I am not impressed with it. I would have expected nothing less from Alcoholics Anonymous applied one day at a time. And that's just how I feel about it. But it is also an immensely practical program in the sense that you know how weird I was and how odd I felt and how trapped I felt and how fearful I was and how I would not have admitted that to you if it was the last thing I did.
Well, when you take away my clothes and you expose all of these character defects that finally came out in 4, 5, 6, 7, you know, what am I supposed to do with them? Just stand there with my fear hanging out? You know, am I supposed to be lazy and just say, well, I'll just hang around with this fear hanging all over the place? That'd be real boring. It'd be boring to you. How do you like hearing somebody?
How do you like having one of them types, you know, one of those kind of people you sponsor and they come up to you and say, how was your day? Terrible. Well, what am I… Well, some friends… This is Phil. Well, some friends came over, they had a cup of coffee and we made a 12-step call and I got a job for $5,000 doing concrete. How was your day? Well, I just… I don't have a girlfriend. This was his… used to be his cry.
I don't have anybody but… Within the… You remind him of… Oh, wow, that's wonderful, you know. Have a happy day, you know, and he goes cheerfully off, you know. But I love that, you know, because that's almost miraculous, you know. And my pigeons get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again so they go to each other, you know. You don't think I knew that, do you? They go to each other and they say, I have this terrible problem and, of course, you know what happens.
The other one says, take care of your side of the street. Somebody has to be the adult. Be the adult, be the adult. Of course, you realize that if I'm telling you somebody has to be the adult, guess who has to be the adult in my family. And I was not very adult the other morning either when I got up. I love Jimmy because he's probably the brunt of most of my bad temper and I was bitching at him about something and he's just looked at me with the most infinite patience and said, mother, I just hate it when you get like this.
Out of the mouth of babes. But you have taught me that I can change that and when I was, you know, fear is probably the major character defect
[00:55:01]
for every alcoholic, without exception. It is the thing that activates every character defect we have. It activates all of mine. If I am afraid of you, I am not going to let you close to me. If I am afraid of you, I am going to sometimes be mean to you. If I am afraid of you, I'm going to talk bad about you. If I'm afraid of you, I'm going to stay away from you. And gradually, gradually through your patience and your understanding and your confidence, the fear in my life began being replaced by faith.
I had a notion somehow down here in my heart that actually, and I don't know if any of you can relate to this, but that actually people were no damn good, the world was no damn good, and why bother? Now, that's what I started with. And the program and the people showed me and promised me that people are okay. Most people are okay. The world is not so bad. And that good things can happen. All those things have happened.
You know, the little things in life are just living. It's living problems. Little things. Life is no big deal. Loving is a big deal. Being involved with people is a big deal. Recovering from alcoholism is a big deal. Whether I get my dishes or not is not a big deal. Whether I make up my bed or not is not a big deal. However, those of you who are on disciplines to do it, it's a big deal. Life is full of a bunch of little pieces.
And because of you, because of all of the things that you've done for me, because of your patience and your openness and your fears and your concerns that you've brought to me and have shared with me and that I have shared with you, the pieces of the puzzle began to come together. And I could look at my life not as a bunch of little pieces, but as a whole. And then I can take that picture and carry it to you.
And I can say, see what God has wrought. It may not be perfect and there may be pieces missing, but here it is. It's me. And if I can, I'll help you anytime. And that's what you've done for me. It's not what I've done for you. It's what you've done for me. It's never ending. A friend gave me a card and I want to read it because it's beautiful and I'm ending with this so those of you who are getting restless, because I've talked a long time.
The end is at hand. And I think this speaks of everyone in this room who is part of Alcoholics Anonymous, who is in AA and not BB. And if you don't know the difference, you're probably in BB. You know, they don't know that we talk about them like that, so don't tell them. I am blessed to have a friend who thanks me for letting her help me, who lets me be defenseless by being that rare person I can totally trust, who says she's glad I called.
Who Says She's Glad I Called, I Question This Little No Matter What the Hour, Who Truly Would Take the Pain Herself When I Am Hurting, Who Gently Tells Me That My Life Is Precious to Her, And Shows Me in So Many Ways That She Needs It, Who Somehow Helps Me to See the Good in Myself When I Cannot Find It Alone,
[01:00:18]
And Who Brings a Richness to My Life By Making Me Feel Loved and Cherished, And That's The Way You've Made Me Feel All My Life, Thanks Very Much. Thank you very much Peggy and congratulations to Alcoholics Anonymous and God, you've done a good job. Have the coffee pots gone around? Would you get them moving please? Come on, these people are going to have to stand here and listen to me until they go around.
Put something in it when it goes by, don't just pass it. And none could have done any better, she just deserves better. And I'm saying that for the girls, I'm not saying that for me, and I'm not saying that for you, but that's the truth. I want to thank the guys that I sponsor and those who dribbled down from there who made the contributions, so that Peg could have a remembrance from the boys, because she's important to them, and I know she is, because I know how she treats them.
I want to thank Dave for jumping out of the cake, and Peggy has always had some sort of a fantasy for these hard-headed macho type guys. Dave, I'd just like to tell you something right now, you shouldn't do that in the future unless you wear some padding in front. And Rich, when they suggested that you put some padding in your drawers, they meant in front, not in back. I know that you've only been a short time in here, but you're not going to attract any girls that way.
I am very pleased that Sandy didn't break down and cry in reading the steps. She only gurgled a couple of times at the appropriate places. And Sheridan had a stiff upper lip the whole damn time. And Diane, you took my insult well. It'll probably strengthen your program. I would like to thank Jean for her special care of Peggy, because she has helped sustain Peggy for us. Who is that puke sponsor? Schulte, get to work on him.