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Source: DICOBE-00420 – Ron P – FOUNDERS DAY – 1980-06-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00420-ron-p-founders-day-1980-06-15.mp3 Duration: 01:09:19
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What a special, special time, huh? What a special time. I'd like to thank all of you for coming to the early bird meeting. I know we got a whole bunch of people from all different parts of the country. Do we have anybody from California here? Yeah. Where? Where? Stand up. Where you at? I missed you. Oh, well. How about someplace else? All right, sir. Good to have you with us. Good to have you with us.
Bombay, India. Did I just hear someone from Bombay, India? All right. All right. Isn't that incredible? Who else do we have from out west? How about New Mexico? Anybody from Mexico? Do we have anybody from Idaho, Colorado, Utah, any of those places? Australia? All right, would you stand up, please? Very good. Welcome. How about those Australians who are invisible? You can't see them, right? Okay. Yes, ma'am.
Do we have two people from Britain here, two people from England? I guess not at this meeting right now, huh? Okay. I wonder if those of you who care to would help me open the meeting with a serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. Can I have a volunteer to come up and read the preamble of Alcoholics Anonymous?
How about the gentleman from Bombay? All right, sir, fine. Please, come on. Come on. This is the biggest one I could find. I hope you can read it. I am Osborne. I am a Catholic priest from Bombay, India, and I am an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self-supporting through our own contribution. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution, does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Thank you.
All those things that they told me were necessary to begin to recover from a disease that's trying to kill us very slowly. I tell you that I love him, and I have an idea you will feel the same way when he finishes. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ron P. of Hartville, Ohio. Well, you talk about being scared. Well, this is just like my, exactly like my first lead. I felt like it all week. You know, when I gave my first lead, one of my friends called up and he said, Ron, how are you feeling?
It was that night before I was going to lead, and I said, son, I'm scared. He says, well, you don't have to worry about a thing, Ron. He said, just remember three things. I said, what's that? He said, number one, he said, there's a lot of people out there that love you. Number two, he said, you don't have to be perfect. And number three, he said, you'll feel better after you puke. And that's, lo and behold, lo and behold, a fellow that I had sponsored just got transferred to Atlanta, and he called me up this morning about ten to nine, and he said, did you throw up yet?
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That's the first thing he said. And I said, no. And incidentally, if Mark W.'s mother is here, he's doing fine, super, just joined the country club and the whole works. Hi, everybody. My name is Ron Packman, and I'm a very grateful alcoholic. Now I feel better. Now I feel better. You know, I've never had the opportunity to speak at anything like this before, and like I said, I'm scared. But I know it's going to be okay. We walked in here, Smitty said something about conference speakers being entertainers, and that, that I can guarantee I am not. I can guarantee I am not an entertainer.
I've just done what you people have told me to do, and worked these steps. And you know, you talk about originality, that's what he said. He said these speakers get up and they think they're original. One of my friends and I had a deep conversation about that the other night, and I can tell you, I am so happy I'm not original. Because you see, my original thoughts taught me how to cheat, lie, steal, commit adultery, be a bum, wet the bed.
I've done just about everything you can imagine. But once I started doing everything that you people told me, everything that you told me, nothing original, just everything that you told me, I don't do any of that stuff anymore. I don't do any of that stuff anymore. Just by doing what you people told me. I don't have an exciting drunkologue. My wife, who is a beautiful Elinor, says she has a better drunkologue than I do. And that's probably because she remembers a hell of a lot more of them than I do.
She's a beautiful person. She's sitting right out there. Honey, how about standing up and let them see. She's beautiful. I've got notes, they're the same notes and I've never used them yet. But you know, if it's working, you don't fix it. You carry them along with you, right? That's what you people told me. If it's working, you don't fix it. I carry my big book. That goes with me wherever I go. If I'm leading a meeting, there's a lady sitting right down here. If you heard her last year, she said, if you don't have a big book yet and you don't have the honesty part of your program, steal one. She says, steal one. That is our Bible. That's our Bible.
I don't profess to be able to tell you what's on every page. I can tell you what's on page 83 and 84 and those are the promises. Those are the promises that you promised me that I would have, that I have today, if I did what I was told. If I did what I was told. I tell you, I get real choked up when I give these things because you can't understand what it means to me to be standing here today. It's just kind of super. A young fellow down here from Hagerstown, Maryland says, you know, he said you get on a high and you just don't get off of it until you leave and that's right. You do. A natural high and that's neat. That's really neat.
I'll tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in Waukegan, Illinois, 45 years ago. And you know, I had all the isms. I had all the isms before I ever drank. You see, on my fifth birthday, my grandfather decided that he was going to have the child protege in music. He was the first violinist in a Philharmonic and he thought he was going to make me the same thing. And on my fifth birthday, he presented me with a violin.
From the time I was five until the time I was 12 or 13, I guess it was, that amounted to practicing four hours a day. Generally every other day. I had resentments then because I wanted to be like the other kids. I wanted to be able to play with them. I wanted to be playing ball. I wanted to go here and there. My mom and dad were having a lot of problems. My dad was an alcoholic. Still is. My grandfather at one time was, although I'd never seen him drink. I think he'd made his recovery through a temperance union or something of that nature.
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But anyway, we continued to practice and I became very good. I was very good. I was playing in the Philharmonic at the age of 12. At the age of 13, we had our first professional tour all lined up. We were heading out east. My grandfather had an agent in the whole works. And lo and behold, just before we were ready to go, it was around Christmas time, he had a stroke. He was in the hospital. You know, right then I knew, hey, I'm free. I'm free. I'm let go. I can do as I want. I don't have to go through all this stuff again.
And sure enough, he died. And sure enough, I put away that violin. And that was it. That was it. I went into high school. I went into high school and played in bands. Made some money, I figured, with my music ability. And I love music. To this day, I love music. And I made a little bit of money. And the drinking, I recall, starting about 16, I worked for the post office part-time during Christmas. And I remember my friend and I delivering parcel post and stopping in a little neighborhood bar and picking up some wine and drinking it all and getting sicker than a dog.
But as a whole, alcohol never bothered me through school. Got out of school, went into the service. And again, no real problems. No real problems. I'd get drunk on payday like the other guys did. And had no problems there. I'd come back from overseas, married my childhood sweetheart down there. We'd been going together since the age of 15. And we were stationed in Washington, D.C. And I lived right on the campus, University of Maryland.
And I don't know what the age limit now for drinking, but at that time, the women could drink at 18 and the men had to be 21. And I was 20, and Tony was 19, so she would buzz down and get our beer. And at that time, I noticed, you know, every time, even overseas when I drank, I always drank until I got drunk. And I got sick. But I just figured that's what everybody did. I just figured that. But I recall this one night, I went to bed and I laid there and I said, oh my God, I'm going to die. I would have bet any amount of money that I wasn't going to wake up in the morning.
It was a fear. Pretty soon, those fears started coming. I couldn't go to church on Sunday. I couldn't do anything. I was just afraid of fear. I had that all the time. I made it through the service and went back to Illinois, where I got a job with Goodyear in a training program. It was a nice job. And boy, I thought I was the coolest guy around. Nice suit. Didn't make any money, but I looked good. And I was on a training program where someday I was going to be a manager.
Well, to supplement my income, I got me a part-time job. And that was part-time. Now that started it. It was just a bowl and alley. But I found out that two or three beers at night before I got home, hey, I was right in there. I could relax and sleep. And it was two or three shots of brandy and two or three beers. That's all I drank was brandy and beer at that time. That was super. I really enjoyed that.
Come 1963, it was my wife's tenth class reunion from high school. And Lil' Ron Packman here had his first martini. And I can honestly say from that time to probably 1973 or 74, I did not miss a day without a martini. Because when I got a martini, it did everything for me that I wanted it to. Every single thing. me that I wanted it to. Every single thing that you could imagine. It made me big, made
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me good looking, and it made me want to dance. It made me want to do everything, and it just got, and it did it in a hurry. Did it in a hurry. Didn't have to wait around for the beer or anything, you know. So, that started it, and I was progressing nicely with Goodyear, and it seems, you know, the more I progressed with my career, the more I drank. I just kept on going. The further up I got, the more I drank. It just seemed to go hand in hand.
I had now quit the bowling alley part time, and I was hanging around in a couple of restaurants that I couldn't really afford to, but I did, and I got to know the owner's son very well. He was my age, and one time he said, he knew that I'd been a bartender. He said, Ron, help me out. So, I said, okay, I'll help you out on a Friday night, and I did, and that started another eight years, but this, you have to realize, was a pretty neat place, you know.
It was nothing for me to make $70, $80 a night on a Friday night. Straight cash, straight cash, and that's good money today. I don't care what anybody says. It's good money today, and this went on, as I said, for about eight years. Now, I watched myself progress with my drinking, because you know, when I started there, I was a neatest little guy. I just drank my martinis, didn't bother anybody. I drank them at home. I got to the point where I was going there for lunch every day. He gave me martinis in a big fishbowl, and I never had to pay for them, see. He was a perfect enabler. He just poured them up, and I had my martinis every day for lunch, and if I didn't go there to help him out, I went home at night and had my martinis, and he would call me, and he'd say, Ron, he says, can you help me out during the night for a couple hours, until the night man gets there? He said, take a bottle an hour, whatever you want. I said, okay, I did, and I'd take a bottle an hour, and I'd pay myself, too, see. That was another thing. I'd just start sniffing a little bit. I could see, and I could rationalize that it was okay. I knew he was clipping his dad for fifty, sixty dollars a day, and I thought it was okay if I did it too, see. I thought, this is how my thinking started to change. I would make all kinds of money, as I said. I'd go home, and the wife would say, gee, did you have a rough night last night? And I'd say, no. She'd say, how'd you do on tips? Oh, I made, you know, eight, nine dollars. And Friday night, I only worked there on Friday night, and you know, if he called me during the week, I'd come in for a couple hours. Saturday, Saturday morning was a big lie day, you know. It was a big lie day. I couldn't sleep. I'd get up at this time, I was getting up at six or seven o'clock, and I'd go to a spa, a health spa.
It's where all the guys would sit in there and tell lies. They'd all sit in there and tell lies. And by this time now, you see, I'd become pretty cool because I had, well, when you're a first class manager type drunk, what you have to have on the side like they have in the books is a girlfriend, right? I had a girlfriend. I, we'd leave this Saturday morning health spa, and I'd go over to the local, the local bar, where, again, it was really neat because when I walked in there, if somebody was in my seat, they automatically got up. They automatically got up. The bartender in there, he, he knew, he knew my wife's voice and he knew the girlfriend's voice, see? And he could lie for me just like anybody, and he lied for them all. Now, I'm not proud of this at all, but it's part of my story and I've got to tell it. I've got to tell it because that's the way it was, see? That's the way it was when I did all the thinking by myself. That's where it got me. Cool, cool to walk in. Now that, that's the epitome of a drunk, to walk in there and never have to ask for a drink, just have it set up there. And if you happen to have one of your kids with you, they put your martini in a tall glass so the kids wouldn't tell your mother, see? That's what they did. And I thought that was really cool. Well, this continued on. By now my fears were unreal. The guilt that I had with this, this other female caused my drinking to just
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go, the deeper I went, the worse it got, the worse it got. Because, you see, I, I loved my wife. I got myself in a pickle and I just couldn't get out of it. And the only thing that kept, kept me going was the booze. It kept going. I had this opportunity for a transfer to Ohio, another promotion. Bear in mind now, I've had three promotions in my prime career drinking. Three promotions. And I said, yes, I'll go. It was another change. The wife and I, as you could understand, were not hitting it off real good. And then to make matters worse, my wife found out about this other girl. And the way she found out about her was that when I told her about the decision of me coming to Ohio, she immediately went into the restroom and slished, slashed both her wrists and damn near died. This woman was married, pregnant. To this day I don't know if it's mine. She claims it was and that's, it's part of my story. And I'm not proud to say it, but I've got to. That's it. I'm, I'm willing, should the day come that I'll ever have to, I'll, I'm willing to accept whatever I get. That's it. It's another thing I've learned in this program. That kills that.
We got to Ohio and, you know, the real estate lady was taking me all around. She's taking me around Uniontown and Hartville and, and these are, for those of you that are not around here, they're little Amish communities just south of here a little bit. And, you know, the first thing I noticed was no taverns. They didn't have any taverns at all. I said, boy, that's just what I need. I need a place where, you know, I don't have a place where I can go drink. I thought of that. Really, I did, right off the bat. And I finally ended up in Hartville. Well, in the interim, I was staying at the Holiday Inn and I had, had, oh, I guess six weeks to stay there until I got my family out. And during the six weeks, I can tell you that I got there at quarter to five and I drank until happy hour was over and I went to bed and I got up at five in the morning. And that was the extent of it.
I never ate. See, I just had to, I had to put something in me to keep the anxieties out and the fears. Because, you see, by this time now, I couldn't go to the bathroom by myself. I was scared to drive by myself. I wouldn't go in a church. I wouldn't go where there was people. I, I just, you know, I was wetting the bed. I was doing all those things. I was doing all those things. And the only thing that would make me forget about it was more alcohol and martinis. That's where I was. See, I looked good on the outside and was dying on the inside. Dying on the inside. Well, my number two daughter, I've got three beautiful girls. At that time, my number two, I guess, yeah, the oldest one was 18, 18, 16, and 12 at that time. 16-year-old said, Dad, why don't I come out and you and I'll live in the house until, until Mom and the other two girls get on. I said, that sounds great. That sounds super. And that's just what I, what I needed. So we, we hired us a little U-Haul, packed a black and white TV and two little beds in it. And up we came and her and I lived together for another, I can't really remember, if it was four or five, six weeks, whatever it was. You know, I was still on the expense account then, and her and I lived high on the hog. We went to plays. We went to different restaurants all the time. And you know, I fell asleep on her in restaurants. I, she had to wake me up in theaters. I, you know, I was the continual slob. Looked good on the outside, hurting like hell on the inside. It was really bad.
Well, the wife finally got out and things were a little bit better. They were a little bit better. It didn't take me long to find the, the neighborhood drunks. It really didn't, didn't take me long at all. They were over in, all's I had to do, if I met a new guy, I'd say, do you drink martinis? He'd say,
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yes or no. And if he did, he was there drinking. That was it. See? And there was plenty of morale. There was plenty of morale. And I, I feared rejection by them unless I had alcohol in me. Unless I had alcohol in me. My drinking was pretty fair for a while. And pretty soon, it got right to where it was. It didn't take long. It didn't make any difference that there wasn't any taverns around. Didn't make a bit of difference. I just continued to, to buy the, to buy the alcohol in the, I'd buy a half a gallon of gin, and two-fifths, and keep the two-fifths hid, because I knew by now the wife was watching how far the half gallon went down. And I knew I had a problem with my drinking.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. These fears were getting worse, you know. If I was standing, standing anywhere, I, I read in the big book the other day, and I'd never noticed it before. And they're talking about, about Bill Wilson worried about jumping out of a window. He went downstairs to sleep. I've had that happen to me, where I was scared I was going to jump right out of a window. I got to a point, too, I was scared I was going to destroy my family by some violent way. I don't know why I thought things like this. I had no idea why I thought things like this. All I know is if I drank, they went away. All those fears went away.
By now, I was drinking a fifth of gin in two martinis every night in 45 minutes. My blackouts were the last year and a half, probably four or five in a week. I could not tell you what I had for supper. I did not know. I never knew how my drinking would react. I never knew if I drank two of them that I would fall asleep and dead away for the rest of the night, or if I drank two of them, the two of them, incidentally, were the fifth. That's how I made them. I didn't know if I would, I would stay up all night. I had no idea. Six months before I, I quit drinking, I got out of the shower one night, and I looked at myself, and I said, I got out of the shower one night, and I looked at myself, and I said, boy, you're a slob, a real slob. I was hitting in at about 180 pounds fat. My eyes were always red, white, and blue, never just blue.
They were just, they were just bad shape, and I was embarrassed and ashamed the way I looked. So, I thought I was going to get off on a running kick, make myself look good, and I did, and to this day, I still run. I'm a very avid runner, but it got me started. It was funny, my wife, she, she, that night, she, I'd come home, and, you know, I'd get up five o'clock in the morning, and I'd go out running, and she, she, at this time, she was saying, but we went out at, in the evening, she said, you know, you better, you better stop that running, because you can't drink anymore when you run, and I was just, you know, I just never knew how my martinis were going to affect me, and I made sure I had them, no matter where we went. If we were going somewhere where I didn't know what the situation was going to be, I'd make sure I drank them before I got there. I really did. I share with you my last drunk, my last day.
It's, it's one I never want to forget. Friday night, before, I'd gotten wiped out, as usual. That Saturday morning, I thought I'd, I'd get some brownie points in, and I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, and family started coming down one by one, and one thing I didn't say is that during this last year, before this, my oldest daughter, the minute I'd come home, she'd depart from the, from the premises. She'd head upstairs, hide in her room, because I would just get all over her, verbally. I never beat my wife, kids, or anybody, you know, anything like that. I never did, but I could cut her to ribbons.
I could cut her to ribbons with my voice, and I did, and I don't know why I did, but anyway, I was on my hands and knees, and I was scrubbing the floor. But anyway, I was on my hands and knees, and I was scrubbing the floor, getting these brownie points, and they started coming down one by one by one, and there was a dead silence there.
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You know, you could feel the tension in the air. You could cut it just like that. It was really bad. And a little while later, I heard this awful commotion, and then I heard this sickening flesh-on-flesh. And a screaming, and a hollering, and a banging, and a dog barking. And I got up, and here was my wife and my youngest daughter. They were going at it, just like you see in the movies. Just like you see in the movies. It was unreal. I couldn't believe it.
It finally got away, because my dog bit my wife, and my youngest daughter ran up the stairs, and she says, You know, every time Dad gets like this, every time Dad's been drinking, you get like this. The disease of alcoholism affects everybody around. And it was true. And I remember the tears coming out of my eyes, and I said, you know, why do I drink like that? I don't have any idea in the world why I drink like that.
I wasn't looking for help. I wasn't looking for help. That patched things up. We had a dance to go to that evening, cocktail party, and the works. And sure enough, I did it again. I don't remember a thing that went on. I had spent most of the evening with my neighbor's wife, and he wasn't too happy about that. And my wife wasn't too happy about it either. This wasn't the first time that happened here in Ohio. It had happened before.
But see, it was okay as long as I was drinking. I didn't know any better. That's the kind of things I did. But I came to that evening in a restaurant, talking to a policeman. And I was talking to this policeman because a waitress had turned me in to her. Had turned me in to him because I kept pulling up her dress to see what was underneath it. Can you imagine that? In a restaurant. Real slob. Real nice guy.
Real nice guy. The next morning I woke up, and I can honestly say I have never felt that bad in my life. I did not have a hangover, but I had remorses that were unreal. They were unreal. I'd never had them like that before. And I said, how long can I continue on doing this? I'll never make it until I'm 50 at this rate. I'll never make it. So I started crying, and I told the wife, and I said, I need some help.
I need some help. What do I do? She said, get a phone book. Picked it up and called AA. I said, you call for me. I was scared to call. Well, I called, or she called. And the doggone phone started ringing off the hook. That day. A fellow called me, called my wife, wanted to know how I was doing. Next time the phone call came, I talked to him. And the next time it came, I talked to him again. And this fellow said to me, he said, how are you feeling?
I said, well, I'm feeling kind of down, not feeling very good. He said, what do you do? I said, I'm a manager with one of the local rubber concerns here in town. He said, oh, that's great. He says, we've got a lot of managers. He says, we've got ministers, we've got priests, we've got lawyers, doctors. He says, you name it, we got them. And I said, well, do you have any programs just for managers? He just kind of took it in stride.
And he didn't laugh at me. He didn't laugh at me. He probably was laughing like hell. But he didn't come right out. But he just, you know what he told me? He said, everything's going to be okay. He said, everything's going to be okay. He said, can you stay sober tomorrow? I said, I'll do everything I can. Now, I cannot remember the last time I missed a day having a drink.
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I cannot remember. I had a period of being in the hospital for a week. One day and the next day my wife was bringing me up martinis. One day. So I made it through that day, and the next night a guy came and knocked on the door, and I sure didn't like him. I didn't identify with him at all. To me, he looked old. He didn't look very cool, you know. He had nothing that I wanted. Nothing that I wanted.
He said, well, I'd like to take you to a meeting. I said, okay, fine. He says, I'll come back and get you that night. And he said, your wife can come along too. And I said, well, that's fine. So we went to the meeting that evening, and I might say, this gentleman come and pick me up in a brand-new Cadillac. That changed my thinking a little bit. I thought, you know, this is a little bit more like it.
And we went to this meeting, and boy, oh, boy, everyone was, I'm sure, just like you've all experienced. They're all laughing, shaking hands. How in the hell can anybody be laughing and happy drinking coffee? I just didn't see it. Coffee and rolls, you know. That night when the meeting was over, they asked for comments, and I was the first one to stand up. To this day, I would rather leave than make a comment.
But that night, I was the first one to stand up. And I says, how in the world am I going to quit drinking when three weeks from now I have to go home, and I've got to spend Thanksgiving Day with my favorite drinking brother-in-law? I've got an Italian wedding and a German christening, all in a row. And the chairperson was nice enough to say, well, if you'll be seated right after the meeting, somebody will be there to talk to you.
And sure enough, when the meeting was over, they were lined up waiting for me. And, you know, they were super. They told me everything, you know. The easy does it, the one day at a time, thank, white-knuckled, guts, pray, and all this stuff, you know. I was a little bit leery about this God stuff, but I figured that's what it was, you know. Had to have some kind of religion in there. Next week, the wife and I headed off for a meeting.
She was very supportive of me, very supportive of me. She'd have done anything, I think, to get me to quit drinking. We went, and we went up, oh, I guess about two miles from the house, and she says, do you think you're really an alcoholic? And I says, well, I don't really know. She says, do you really want to go tonight? I think, really, that's the turning point, right there. I said, yeah, let's go.
So that night, I couldn't even tell you who was leading, who was chairing, or what have you. But I, again, was the first one to stand up when they asked for comments. And I says, you know, I don't know if I belong here. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not. And the guy said, well, if you have a seat, there'll be somebody to talk to you when the meeting's over. So when the meeting was over, they were lined up again.
And one fellow, bless his heart, he's still around, he sat and he talked to me for another good couple hours, I guess. And what he did, basically, was take me through the first step. And I knew, I wasn't kidding anybody, I knew I didn't drink like other people. I didn't know, you know. I went to another meeting that was closer to home. I thought that was the only place they had meetings, was that one place.
And hell, come find out there's 150 of them in this area that you can go to every week. So I went home, and I live in Hartville. And he said, there's a meeting down in Uniontown. And the wife and I go. So we head down there, and hell, that's only three or four miles from home. And I walked in there, and here are all these Amish people and farmers. And I say, now what in the world do they know about drinking?
What do I have in common with them? And there was one little fellow back there. He just walked in. I love him. Hi, Moshe. And he stood up and he said, how grateful are we?
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And I said, uh-oh, here comes the God stuff. I said, here it comes. He says, are we grateful enough? And I just, you know, kind of wish he watched that a while. But, you know, the thing that was funny, we walked in there, and they all hugged my wife because they all knew her. They all knew her. Because she works for the local doctor in Hartville. And I've got to tell you, there are beautiful people down there.
I still have my special little keychain that I carry with me. And I adore that thing. That's kind of special to me. But that's how my thinking was when I first come into AA. I had the ego problem. I knew I looked good on the outside, but I was dying on the inside. And I kept hearing promises. You do this, you do that, and it's going to be okay. For the first three months, I kept hearing about sponsors.
And the only thing that kept me sober was one or two meetings a week and a serenity prayer. That serenity prayer. Well, we're told that our higher power gives us a grace period. And mine went about three and a half months, I guess. And I finally met a sponsor. Not met a sponsor, I met a fellow. I asked to be my sponsor. And I liked the way this guy talked. I did have some resentments because he was good looking, a lot better looking than I was.
And he had a fantastic voice. It's enough to give anybody resentments. But the one thing this gentleman did was get me started on the program of recovery. He told me, and you all told me, there's a program of recovery out there if you do what you're told. You do what you're told. See, my way didn't work. My way didn't work at all. But the program of Alcoholics Anonymous will. It will. It's a program for people who want it, not for people who need it.
And I wanted what you all had out there. I wanted to be smiling. I wanted to be happy. And I didn't want it to be fake. I wanted it to be real. That's what I wanted. And they said, well, there's a way to do it. The 12 steps. Get active. I did a lot of kitchen duty and I still do it. Get active with the meetings, no matter what it is. Participate. Took me to a group called the Men's Hilltop. When my sponsor and I started going there, there was eight or nine of us at the most.
We now have 70, 80 every week. Three different meetings now and three different nights. It's just fantastic. Watch guys come in there and get their little chips. Watch them cry. It's just super. It's just super. Like I said, I don't have much of a drunk a lot. The thing that I do like to talk about are the steps. I really do. That's what you people told me would guarantee my sobriety, is the 12 steps to alcoholics and loners.
No other way. It's suggested. Oh boy. I don't know. You go to the hospitals or you go to Molly Stark or Edwin Shaw, which are a couple of local rehabilitation places around here. I go once a month to talk to them. You ask around in there and you say, how many of you have been in AA? Half of them will raise their hand. Now what you have to do is say, the first thing is why they're back again is two reasons.
They quit going to meetings and didn't work the steps. And you people told me, And you people told me out there that I don't have to do that. See, I can be happy, joyous, and free. Just do as you're told and do the steps.
[00:45:01]
There are guarantees for recovery. Guaranteed. Many, many times. And, you know, no effects whatsoever. In this particular time, we had sung the first verse. And I just glanced down and the second verse was right there in front of me. And it said, it was talking about, Love Was When was the name of the song. And I could just say, I can feel He's real. Love was God, only He would try to love one such as I.
I don't know if I had a spiritual awakening or what. But I can tell you there were tears floating down my eyes. And I was unable to sing. And, you know, I found that higher power, I guess. I knew He was there. Put it that way. I knew that I had found whatever it was, I had found it. And He was there. That was the truth. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. That was a toughie for me.
That was a toughie. And only because I made it tough. Only because I made it tough. Just take a fearless and moral inventory. Well, I didn't have anything moral ever got me in trouble. See, I never did. I never had anything moral get me in trouble. But there was a lot of moral stuff that came out of my inventory. Took me seven and a half months to do it. I finally got it finished. I finally got it finished.
I took my fist up. I shared it with God and another human being. I shared it with my sponsor. There's a lot of tears. There's a lot of love. There's a lot of laughs. And it was, you know, probably one of the greatest experiences I've ever had in AA. Just dumping the garbage. Six and seven were a little bit more difficult for me. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings. I've had it described to me. The reason it's difficult was that it didn't hit you like a home run. You know, you get done with the fourth and the fifth, you say, Boy, you know, and then you go get on your knees and ask Him to humbly remove them and you're done. It don't work that way. It doesn't work that way. It didn't for me. It didn't work that way for me at all.
You see, I had to become entirely ready. I had to become entirely ready. And I have to do that on a daily basis. And I can tell you, I'm a lot better now than I used to be. And I can tell you, I still have a lot of areas and shortcomings that need attention. And most of the time they get it, but there's some days they don't. There's some days they don't. And there's some days I just soon pound my head up against the wall for a while, and I do.
And I do. But not for long. I don't have to do that anymore. Made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I did. I have one more to do. I've been asking for the willingness. There was a gentleman who shared so beautifully last Sunday evening about an amends that he had made to an individual that really hit me. And I had one, one that I had left to do that was a very serious one, I thought.
You see, if you recall, I told you I worked in his bar and I scarfed a lot of money off of him. And I don't care what anybody says. There's a certain part of selfishness in us that's going to make us think twice before we want to depart with a dollar. There is for me. I wrote and put in the mail this week a letter to that man and told him approximately how much money I figured I owed him. And I'm ready for the consequence.
With no expectations whatsoever, except the fact that I know that I'll do whatever I have to, you see. They say when you ask to be willing to do these, you're going to get, God will let you know when it's ready.
[00:50:04]
And that's what he did for me. See, because it was gnawing right down there in the pit of my gut. My way hurts, God's way doesn't. That's the easy way for me to remember if I'm doing right. My way hurts and God's way doesn't. I made these amends and I can share with you. A couple of amends that I made, a couple of other ones, they've been beautiful. I hear from a family, maybe once, twice a year now, that I hadn't heard from in 20 years.
And they just share their experience and their gratitude for me. And it's just neat. And I've never heard anybody really have a bad experience with making amends. I may see you next year in the poorhouse, but I don't know. I don't know. I'm willing to accept that. Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admit it. I do that. I do that. I take an inventory at night, most nights.
Some nights I don't, I just, you know, I don't lie to any ace. I just fall asleep and that's it. But I am conscious enough to know daily that I cannot afford to have resentments, anger, selfishness. I cannot afford to be dishonest. I need all these things. That's what keeps me on the street now. And I call them up at the end of the night, as I said, most nights. And, you know, it gets better and better all the time.
It really does. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand. As I mentioned, I'm an avid runner. And I get up very early in the morning and I have my meditation with me. We have 30, 40 minutes every single morning. And it's neat, you know. I've been running around that neighborhood for over three years. And they all think I'm crazy. If they heard me talking at 530 in the morning to higher power, they'd know I was crazy.
But I love it. My wife is also a super-duper runner. She's just dynamite, you know. Her and I take off on a weekend, run five, six miles, and we'll stop at my sponsor's house. It's also her Ellen on sponsor. For a break. Sweaty. Dirty. But, you know, we run down there and both of us are quiet. We're both talking. Neat. Whew! That's the advantages of this program. That's the little things that you get, see.
It's the little things you get. I'd be unhappy to a Supreme. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs. I do that. I try my best. I talk to AAs every day. I sponsor a few guys now. They're all beautiful. I talk to my guy every day. My sponsor. It's been a long time. We just touched base, you know, and I can't remember the last time we had a serious crisis.
And we've had some over the past couple of years. We've had some real ring-dingers. But I haven't found it necessary to take a drink. I haven't found it necessary to take a drink. See, those 12 steps. They say only the first step deals with alcohol. The next 11 are a new way of life. And you people out there said if you want what I have, this is what you have to do to get it. This is what you have to do to get it.
My grand sponsor in California, Ted Harbaugh, had a friend. There's a couple of California guys down there now. But they use the description out there, Hot damn, get it on, life is now in session. And boy, how neat that is. Hot damn, get it on, life is now in session. And that's the truth. What a way of life, you know. What a way of life. This time that I was drinking, I was looking for something like this.
[00:55:05]
I was looking for something like this, just deep down. But I thought only corny people did things like this, you know. I tell you how it is today, it's unreal. It's unreal. There's not enough time in his day where I could tell you all the fringe benefits that go along with this program. Every one of those promises have come true. There's not one area in my life that has not changed for the better. Not one.
Every single facet of my life has changed for the better. I mentioned before that I had three promotions during my prime drinking time. I haven't had one since I quit drinking. And you know what, that's okay. Because I know if I'm supposed to have one, I'll have one. And it really doesn't make any difference. It really doesn't make any difference. I have the contentment now that is, most of the time, that it's unreal.
My beautiful wife and her Elanon, I tell you that's unreal. I've been criticized for promoting Elanon. We were at a conference down in Punderson last time and I made the statement that if you don't have an Elanon, get one. And there was a couple of fellows that were having an extremely difficult time with their opposite side about going into Elanon. And the guy really got a resentment and I said, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I just love Elanon. My wife's sponsor, these Elanons have birds and butterflies and that's neat. I'll share a little something with you, I just thought about it today. My wife's sponsor is big on cardinals. She shares a lot of experiences about cardinals. My wife and I are due to be grandparents any minute now. My daughter was in the hospital for a couple of days with what they thought was toxemia.
So I've been off this week and Tony comes in the house the other morning and she just got done running. She'd been out running. And she looks at me and she started to cry. And she says, Karen's going to be okay. I says, why do you say that? She says, because a bird just flew the last half a mile with me while I was running. I says, with you? She said, yeah. He came right down and stayed right with me.
And you know, that was like at 8 o'clock, at 8.30. Karen was okay. She didn't have anything. You just say what you want. There's something that works out there. We do little things like that that creep up on you all the time. Want to hear something else that creeps up on you? There's a lot of new people out there today. I don't know if there is or not. But here's a little fringe benefit that you get.
I got this a couple of years ago. It was my first lead and my first anniversary. I have a serenity room at home and I keep these cards up on my door. And I thought, you know, I've never shared this with anybody. And I thought this is kind of a special day and I'll share it with you. This is the one girl that I had so much problems with, incidentally, who married. I married off last August and first thing she told me when I lifted up her veil was that she loved me.
That's another benefit. Here I go. Okay, dear Dad, just wanted to let you know that I'm so proud of you and that you've done a fantastic job at reforming yourself and your life. Like I've been saying, you're so much like a brother as well as a father. I love you dearly. Judy does it. Judy. And then this is a little one. This is kind of cute. Dear Dad, I am so proud of you. I think it is great. I can't wait to see you Friday night.
We all are so proud of you and we love you very dearly. We all are so proud of you, and we love you very dearly. I really can't tell you how much we love you, because we love you so much. I guess I got the message. Love, Sammy. And this one here, Dear Dad,
[01:00:01]
I couldn't tell you how terrific you have been. It takes so much for a person to change, as you have. I love you, and you're such a good father. I can't put it into words. We are one very happy family. And you'll never have to worry, excuse me, about us when we get married, because we'll still be the same then as we are now. Love you always, and remember, like you tell me, take one day at a time. Some more fringe benefits.
New people out there, that's how it works. That's what you get. That's what you get when you work the twelve steps of this program. Guaranteed to be happy, joyous, and free. Even the bad days. You know, I got to share a little story with you. One of the fellows that I sponsor, I love dearly, he's the cutest little guy. He's five years old. And you can walk into him. On our Sunday night meeting, we have an Elan on, meeting on the other end, you know, nurse babysitter.
And this little guy will get upset if you don't talk some A&A to him, he says. He's five years old, he carries a chip just like his daddy. And you say, Justin, how long have you been sober? Nine months. And he'll give you a shake, and you know what else goes with that shake? A hug. And he's disappointed if you don't get a little A&A and talk to him. He's just a nice little guy. I just love him. I just love the whole family.
I got to share one story with you. That happened to me a couple years ago. I was out running. A car pulled up, and it was a neighborhood lady, and she asked me if I'd get in the car. I said, sure. She said, Ron, she says, I understand you're in AAA. And I said, I said, yeah, I am. And she said, you know, my husband had a heart attack, and I knew it. And she says, you know, the reason he's having such a difficult time is that he's an alcoholic, and he's really having a bad time with the withdrawals, and they don't know how to handle the medicine.
And I says, geez, I'm sorry to hear that, Barb. I really am. She says, will you talk to him? I said, if he wants me to, I certainly will. He and I were both identical ages. And I think if anybody could have beaten me at martini drinking in our neighborhood, it was him. It was him. The guy had everything he wanted. He had a prosperous business, lots of money, nice wife, two or three kids, I don't know how many, beautiful home sitting up on a hill.
So the wife and I both talked to her. We went to the house, and the wife talked a little bit of Elan on to her, and I talked to her some out of the big book. And I said, I'll be more than happy to talk to him when he gets out. So about two weeks passed, and she gets in touch with me, and she says, John will be getting out of the hospital now, Thursday. She says, can you come over Thursday to talk to him? He says, he's really excited to talk to you.
And I said, sure, I'll be happy to. And that was even choir night, you know. Which is important to me. And Wednesday night, John was getting a bath, and the nurse rolled him over, and lo and behold, John was dead. I mean, it was all over. The funeral went along. Nothing happened for a couple summers ago, I guess. I was outside, and I, one of the things I like to do is work outside around my house, and I always get good and tan, and I still run a lot.
And Barb come pulling into the next door neighbor's house. I was out there watering, and she come over to me, and she says, Ron, you look good. And I said, you look terrible. She weighed about ninety pounds.
[01:05:02]
Her eyes were full of rings. And she just looked, it was just unreal. You know, it could not, hardly the same woman. I said, how are you doing? She says, terrible. I said, what's the matter? She says, I'm lonely. She said, I got that beautiful house, I don't have any money worries. Kids are set for school and everything, and she says, nothing's right. And I talked to her just like I would an aunt, and I said, Barb, do you have any resentments?
And she said, yeah. And I said, what are they? I said, do you care to share it with me? She said, yeah. I said, I hate God. And I thought, wow, that's some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Why do you hate God? She says, because he gave you a chance for Alcoholics Anonymous and not my job. And you know, if you ever lack a little bit of gratitude, think of that. We're all winners sitting here today. We're all winners because we were chosen.
I'm firmly convinced that we were chosen for this program. Firmly convinced. You know, I can say up here, stand up here right now, and say with all my heart that I love you all, thank you very much. Are we grateful enough? Thank you, Peg. Before we go any further with the announcements, sir, that's for you from the Founders Day Committee. This meeting was taped and cassettes will be available at the completion of the meeting.
That's quick. In the Bolger Hall lobby, and Bolger Hall is right across the thing out there, that big concrete area. What do you call that, a courtyard? The copies are made on a high-speed copier at the rate of two a minute or a hundred and twenty an hour. Sounds like what you used to drink. And the committee suggests that you order or purchase the tapes you desire as the meetings proceed, since this is the only way that the folks who are doing the taping can keep up with the demand.
Another little item here, if there is a Connie Linda mood in the audience, would you pop up here after the meeting and identify yourself, please? We have a message for you. Peg, once again, I want to thank you. Watching you and being able to hang around you, being able to share with you, has been such a big part of my sobriety that I think you know. I think you know. And I love you. And I guess that's all we've got, so Mr. Packman, if you will lead us in the Lord's Prayer with those of you who care to, please join us.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen. Keep coming back! Happy Birthday AA!