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Source: DICOBE-00392 – Don N – GOPHER STATE RNDP VII – 1980-05-24.mp3 File: dicobe-00392-don-n-gopher-state-rndp-vii-1980-05-24.mp3 Duration: 00:52:36
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Thank you, Bob, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Don, and I am an alcoholic. I am sober tonight by the grace of God and the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And to me the grace is the unmerited love and favor of, and God is what I choose to call a power greater than myself. And I also say the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous because to me that's what AA is, is the modern day miracle.
Now I don't know, we're supposed to say something philosophical or religious, and I just don't know any of those things. The only thing that's sort of on the philosophical strain that I can think of is, live each day as though it were going to be your last, and some day you'll be right. The only thing that I know in a religious vein is the story about a convent and a Catholic priest. And this story is the story of a Catholic priest who one day visited the convent, and when he got there he was met by the Mother Superior, and she says, Father, I'm really glad to see you today.
We have a terrible problem in the convent, and he said, Well, what's your problem? She said, The nuns bought a pet. The good father says, I think that's wonderful, that's a great thing. And the Mother Superior says, No, Father, it's a terrible thing, because this pet that they bought is a talking budgie bird. The good father says, Well, what's the matter with that? She said, Well, Father, all this budgie bird does all day long is sits in its little swing, swings back and forth, and says, Root, toot, toot, I'm a prostitute.
And she says, You know, that's terribly demoralizing. The nuns and novices have tried everything to teach this bird something else, and she just won't do it. We don't know what we're going to do. So the good father said, Well, this is indeed your lucky day, because, you know, I happen to be a bird lover also, and I have two talking budgies. And he said, My budgie birds are so intelligent, so clever, speak so well, that I had a rosary made up in miniature, and also a Bible made up in miniature.
And my two birds, Clyde and Clive, all they do all day long is pray and read the Bible. And the Mother Superior said, That is unbelievable. And he said, I'll tell you what, I'll take your bird down and expose your bird to my two birds, and I'm sure they'll teach her something. So the Mother Superior said, That's wonderful. And she ran and got the cage, gave it to the good father, and down to his apartment he went.
And sure enough, when he went inside his apartment, there was Clyde and Clive standing in the bottom of the cage. One was going through the rosary, the other was reading the Bible, and they're both praying real hard. So he took the nuns' birdie out of its cage, and he popped it in with his two and stood back and watched. And right away, the nuns' budgie got in the top swing and swang back and forth and says, Root, toot, toot, I'm a prostitute.
And with that, Clyde turned to Clive, and he said, Clive, you can throw away the beads and book. Our prayers have just been answered. And I guess before I get into my story, I should, before I forget, pay tribute to Al-Anon, because my wife of some thirty-six years has been a member of Al-Anon since it started. And I think we in AA owe this Al-Anon a great debt of gratitude, because they have been very wonderful in supporting us.
In fact, they go to great lengths to support us in our group in Fargo-Moorhead. They often send some of their own members over to us to make sure that we grow. I used to claim that Al-Anon made an earth woman out of my wife, because before she ever got to Al-Anon, we had a lot of marital difficulties. I never called her by her maiden name, by the way, it was always her or she or Angel was my pet name for her, and then she got into Al-Anon, and you folks in Al-Anon changed all that.
You gave her back her maiden name. She one day said, ìWhy did you always call her Angel?î And the reason for that was she was always up in the air, never had a thing to wear, and was always harping on something. But you Al-Anons brought her back down to earth, so I personally owe you a great deal of gratitude. When I talk about what it used to be like and what happened and what it's like now, this is my own personal interpretation of the AA program, and anything that I might say is my own version of it.
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And if I should say that we should or you must, believe me, I mean that I should or
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I must. So going along from there, I can tell you that I got to Alcoholics Anonymous by accident. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was a practicing alcoholic, and I had a brother 22 years older than me that was an alcoholic. And I hated the sight of alcohol growing up. I didn't know it then, but I had all the symptoms of alcoholism even then as a child, because I never really felt that I was the same as the other people.
I always felt inferior, inadequate, insecure, lonely, defiant, depressed, all that sort of thing. And actually, when I took my first drink, it really was able to help me cope with life. I really enjoyed it, because I was able to get over all these feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. I could talk to girls, I could have a couple of drinks, and they looked better to me, and I could have a couple more drinks, and I thought I looked better to them, and all this sort of thing, you know.
And I went on drinking, and in 1940 I left home and I joined the Royal Canadian Air Force. Now, this was not because I was patriotic and wanted to do my bit for the war effort. It was because I wanted to get away from home, because I resented the authority of my parents that they exercised over me, and I wanted to get away and live my own life and do my own thing. And so I enlisted in the Air Force, and through a fluke I became a pilot during the Second World War.
And I went overseas and flew in operations, and finally wound up in Cairo, Egypt. And there I met a nursing sister that was born some eighteen miles apart from where I was born, and we struck up a conversation, and I started dating her. And she said to me, you know, you drink quite a bit, Donald, and I said, yes, but that's because I'm single, and I'm overseas, and all that sort of thing. But if I ever had responsibility, believe me, I'd have no trouble stopping drinking.
And I said, you know, if I got married, I think that would be the responsibility I need, and don't you think it would be a good idea if we did get married? So we got married in Cairo, Egypt, went to Alexandria on our honeymoon, and I got drunk on our honeymoon. And so my wife said, I don't understand what's the matter. I thought you said if you got married, you wouldn't drink anymore, and I said, well, not quite.
What I mean is when we get back home, I won't drink anymore. But while we're over here, it's, you know, it's eat, drink, and be merry, and that sort of thing. And besides, we don't have any children, and if we, now's the time to finish throwing my wild oats, because I believe firmly that if we're going to have children, that I'm not going to drink if we have children, and that's the kind of responsibility I need to keep me from drinking.
So she believed all this, and we came back home, and we had a son, and then we had a daughter. And I was drunk the night our daughter was born, and my wife again says, I don't understand what's the matter with you, the way you drink. And I said, it's not my fault. And she says, whose fault is it? And I said, it's all your fault. You keep having all these kids, loading me up with all this responsibility.
And so she was in a no-win situation. Now things went along from there. I decided also that the reason I drank was because I was in the Air Force, and as everybody knows, everybody in the Air Force is a drunk. So I thought I'd become a civilian, and I got out of the Air Force and went back to my civilian occupation, which at that time was a news reporter and a daily newspaper. And everything went well for two or three weeks until one night one of the fellows brought a pint of alcohol to work, and we passed it around.
The next night one of the other fellows in the city desk brought a pint, and then it was my turn. And of course, being alcoholic, everything has to be done bigger and better, and I brought a quart in. And I wound up getting drunk and home the next morning. And the old story, my wife looking down at me, lying in the bed and just shaking her head and saying, I don't know what we're going to do, I don't know what's the matter with you.
And I said, it's not me, there's nothing wrong with me. And she said, what is the problem? I said, it's because I'm a newspaper man. And you know, all those newspaper men are a bunch of drunks. So I said, what we'll do is I'll go and get another job, and we'll move away from here and start all over fresh where nobody knows me. Now I didn't know it then, but that's called taking the geographical cure.
And so I started my geographical cure, and we moved down to a large city, and we wound up in Toronto, Ontario. And again I was drinking, and I quit that job. I decided I needed more responsibility, so I bought a business. And we moved to a small mining town up in northern Ontario by the name of Cobalt in northern Ontario. And I had this all rationalized that if we moved up there, things would be different, because as you know, people in small towns don't drink, especially mining towns.
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So I went up there and started the business going. And of course, when my wife and children arrived in the bus, they arrived, and I met them, and I was drunk. And I told my wife, don't worry, that this is just one of those exceptional sort of circumstances, and I'm just getting to know the townspeople. But now that she and the kids were here, everything would be okay. And this was around, oh, in the 1940s.
And in 1947, things were gradually going downhill. I was getting to the point of desperation, and I didn't know what was the matter with me. I began to suspect there was something wrong in here. And then I had it all figured out, because I remembered we'd had a schoolteacher one time that had been shell-shocked in the First World War. And I had figured out that because I'd been shot down three times during the war, that maybe that's what it was, that I was just a little bit, you know, off, and if I was overtired, I would do some crazy things.
Now, I didn't want to tell anybody this in case they put me away in one of those joints, and I didn't think I was that bad. And so I didn't know who to talk to. I couldn't talk to anyone. And along about this time, we had a clergyman who was a very kind soul. He came to visit us. And this was just before Christmas in 1947, and he had a paper bag with him, and as he was leaving, he handed this bag to me, and after he left, I opened it up, and in it was a book.
And the title of the book was called Alcoholics Anonymous. So I looked at this book, and I turned to my wife and said, I wonder why he left a book like that with me. And she said, he probably thinks you need it. Now, that did it. I threw the book in a corner, and I said, I will never read that book as long as I live. And furthermore, if that bird ever sets foot inside this home again, I will bodily pick him up and throw him out, because all these priests and ministers are the same.
They are a bunch of racketeers that prey on the emotions of old women and young children, and this religion is a form of primitive superstition anyway, and we intelligent people know that. And so that's called throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and I was a rampant agnostic. And I didn't believe there could possibly be a God, because I'd done all the things that I'd seen normal people do, and I'd seen people in Hollywood and the movies do.
I had got down on my knees at the bedside often and prayed for things, and they never happened. So I knew that there couldn't possibly be any God. I remember on one occasion on my way back to Cairo, a war story, and I got to Tunis in North Africa, and I had met my sister, who was also a nursing sister in the Army in those days. I had taken her out of the theater of war she was in into Tunis with me.
I was a non-commissioned officer in those days, because for the things I did when I was drinking, they couldn't promote me. It seemed I was unpromotable. And in those days, you know, all you had to do was stay alive to get promoted. You could be shot down and be a prisoner of war camp for three or four years and attain the rank of captain, but I couldn't even do it when I was flying regularly. So things were a pretty sad case, and I was very resentful.
And of course it didn't help having my sister with lieutenant's badges on her shoulders. Believe me, that was really hard for this male chauvinist to accept, the kid's sister being an officer and I wasn't. And I decided, well, really the only difference is the thing they have on their arms. So I took my warrant officer's badge off and I put a stripe on my arm and I said to my sister, let's go, I'll take you out and do a round of the clubs.
So we were in the first club and I had one or two too many, and the provo marshal of Tunis walked in and they accosted me, and he told me that I was under open arrest and to go back to my quarters and in the morning report to him where I would be placed under close arrest awaiting a field general court marshal. And I was charged with impersonating an officer, being out of bounds, being drunk, and contrary to the good order and prejudice of the Royal Air Force and all the catch-all that would get you.
And I remember going back to my quarters that night filled with fear and apprehension, and I knew this was the end, and I thought, what a terrible thing this is going to be for my family when they get word back home that they think their war hero son is coming back a hero and instead he's going to wind up court marshaled and lose what little he has left. And it was at that time that I got on my knees on the bedside and I prayed, and I remember all the Hollywood pictures I had seen, I got my elbows propped there and my hands under my chin and I prayed, Dear God, please get me out of this mess and I will never, ever take a drink again as long as I live.
And I no sooner got off my knees than the telephone rang and it was a sergeant who called saying that you are to report to the provo marshal immediately. And I immediately thought, now's the time, now's the time, now's the time, now's the Lecture 6 The Meaning Of Calumny 18 I went to the commercial immediately, and I immediately thought, now they've found
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out that I've taken my sister out of one theater of war into another, they're really going to throw the book at me and they're going to place me under close arrest tonight. So I told my sister, I think I'll just take off, and she says, no, you can't do that. If you go absent without leave, that's even going to be worse. And she says, come on, we'll go and see him. And I remember every step of the way was purgatory, because I just knew, and I knew there couldn't be any God because I'd remembered praying so hard.
And I got over to the officers' club and asked very sheepishly if the Provo Marshal was there, and they said yes, and he came out to see me, and he had a telegram in his hand. And he looked at me and he said, Nicholson, without any shadow of doubt, you are the luckiest man in the whole of the Royal Air Force at this moment. And I said, why is that, sir? And he said, we have this telegram that came in from Air Ministry, and you've been commissioned and is backdated for three or four months, so in view of that, we'll just drop all these charges.
And, you know, I changed like that. I looked up at him and smiled, and I said, sir, could I buy you a drink? And he said, yes, you certainly can, and we went in, and I got drunk all over again. Now, this is within an hour of getting off my knees praying that if I got out of that mess I'd never take a drink again. And this was sort of the story of my life. I got back home and getting back to 1947, and things were going so badly, and my wife said, you know, as a nurse, she said, I've seen people in the hospital that are not as bad as you get sometimes, and they were called alcoholics.
And I resented her for calling me an alcoholic, and I said, I'll prove I'm not, what do I have to do? And she said, if you don't take a drink for a whole year, I won't mention it again. And I said, fair enough, you're on. And I lasted all through Christmas and into January and New Year's, and then in February of 1948, I went out with the boys and had what we call a slip. I got drunk, is what happened.
And I got home on Sunday and embarrassed the wife and children again, and I didn't know what I was going to do, and this time she really gave me the silent treatment. She got up that morning and wouldn't talk to me, she went into the kitchen, and I knew her so well, and I knew I was in hot water just by her behavior. And I didn't know what I was going to do. I went down to the store, we lived just above the store in those days, I went down to the store wondering, what am I going to do?
And I didn't know it then, but she was making plans to leave. And who should come across the street but a friend of mine that I used to drink with, Hal Fleming. Only, Hal had joined this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and ever since he joined that, he changed. And I used to hate the sight of him coming over to see me because I was afraid some of my customers might think I was one of them, and I would resent him coming in and having a Coke in the store with me, and he'd always come in and just say, well, how are things going?
Still in the wagon? And I lied and I said, yes, you know. And also that morning I had to see the bank manager about getting an overdraft, and I didn't know what I was going to do because, see, this banker I was having trouble with also. Every time I talked to him about business, he wanted to talk to me about my drinking, and I could never comprehend that, why he didn't stick just to banking. However, my wife, when she went to see him, would always tell him the story, and he would okay an overdraft.
But I knew that she wasn't even talking this morning, and I didn't know how I was going to get her to go for me. And all of a sudden when I saw Hal Fleming come over, a light went on, an idea. So he came into the store and I looked around, there was nobody in it, and he said, well, how are things going? And I lied, I said, oh, fine. And he said, well, do you want to come to an A.A. meeting? And I said, no.
But I said, when do you have these meetings, Hal? And he said, Friday night. And I said, how much does it cost? And he said, it's free. I said, which church is behind it? He said, there's no church behind it. And I said, what do you do? And he said, well, you just sit around and talk. And I was suspicious right away, and I said, well, could I ask you something confidentially? And he said, yes. I said, could you allow a visitor to go to one of those meetings?
And he said, why do you ask? And I said, well, I've got a brother that drinks quite a bit, and do you think if I went to one of those meetings that I could learn something to help him? So Hal, very wise, he said, yes, I'm sure you could. And I said, what time is that meeting? He said, it's 8 o'clock on Friday. I said, wait right here. And I went upstairs, and of course she was in the kitchen, her back to me, and I said, Hal Fleming is downstairs, nothing, she wouldn't pay any attention.
And I said, I'm going to a meeting of alcoholics and honest with them on Friday night. And, you know, I knew that woman so well. She turned right away around, came running over, threw her arms around me, said, oh, Donald, I'm so glad you're finally going to do something about your drinking. And I thought, would you go to the bank for me, I said. She said, yes, what should I say? So I told her, and going down the stairs again, I was patting her on the back, said, nice going, I know her.
And I said, you know, it's a long way to Friday, I'm not going to that damn meeting, as long as I get the bank business straightened out.
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However, the week rolled by, and Friday came along, and I hadn't had a drink all week, and that Friday night, Friday all day, I was wondering what excuse I could make to Hal, and he never showed up. And I thought, good, he's forgotten. So I got into the house that night, and I wasn't in it five minutes, and the phone rang, and it was this idiot from Alcoholics Anonymous. And I started making my excuses why I couldn't go, and with that, my wife came over and tapped me in the shoulder, and she said, you promised, and I don't mind you breaking your promises with me, but at least you keep them with other people.
So I said, okay. I said, whereabouts is this meeting? And he said, it's up in Haleybury in the next town. And I said, well, I've got one hour, we can go up in one bus, back in the next. And he said, no, we don't have to go in the bus, one of the fellows is here, we'll come over and pick you up. And right away I said, no, that's not necessary, because see, I didn't want the car coming to my door in case some of the neighbors saw it.
I don't know what I expected, maybe a big station wagon with Alcoholics Anonymous written on the side, and music blaring out of the road, and people handing out pamphlets that they've been saved, and I was very leery of it. I wanted no part of that, and I said, no, I'll meet you over at your place. And to cut a long story short, I went to my first meeting, and there were four fellows there, and they all shook hands, and for the first time in my life I was surprised.
Each one of them looked me straight in the eye as they shook hands, and it wasn't a dead fish that they handed me, it was a solid handshake. And each one of them started telling their story about what it used to be like, what happened and what it was like now. And as they were talking, it suddenly dawned on me, I know this, this is a con job. They've called her, she's told them all about me, because they're just describing me, and how do they know this?
And I thought, wait till I get home, I'll certainly straighten her out. Finally they went on and they told some of the things that she didn't know anything about, and that had to be for sure, because if she had known, we wouldn't have been married, I can guarantee you that. And so I was suspicious, and I finally blurted it out, and I said, how do you guys know so much about me? And they said, we're not talking about you, Don, we're talking about ourselves.
I said, hell, everything you said, you're talking about me. And that meeting went on, and in those days in 1948 in those small groups, what they did is a meeting lasted as long as it took to convince that newcomer to come back to the next meeting. So I went to my first meeting at 8 p.m., and I got home at 2.30 a.m., and I remember getting undressed, and the wife was in bed, and she said, well, how did it go?
And I said, I'm not going to make any promises this time, but the way these guys laid out it makes some sense, and I'm going to try it and see. But there's one thing, if you dare tell anybody in my family or your family that I'm going to AA, I'm going to quit and get drunk, because that understood. And she said, don't worry, I won't say a word to a soul, and she never did. And so I just started going to meetings, and that was back in 1948, in February of 1948.
And I have not, and this is why I say the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. As you know, I didn't go there willingly or happily, I did not think I was an alcoholic, I didn't want to associate with alcoholics or anything else. And yet from that very first meeting to this day, I have not found it necessary to take another drink of alcohol, nor have I taken a sedating or tranquilizing pill of any kind, or smoked any of those funny cigarettes.
Any mood-altering chemical is off-limits to me, it's that simple. So the only thing I can tell you is back then I started averaging four meetings a week, and here I am some 32 years later, I still average four meetings a week. And so I think all I can tell you is in that experience of meeting with alcoholics, even the dumbest, most ignorant person is bound to pick up one or two clues about alcoholism, and that's the only thing I have to share with you tonight.
So what I've discovered is that alcoholism is a disease. Now a lot of people say, well, they compare it to tuberculosis and cancer and everything else, but I like to compare it, I call it a condition. Alcoholism is a condition very similar to another condition I was familiar with at the time I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is a condition known as B.O., body odor. I think you all know what I'm talking about.
And I say my alcoholism was like B.O. because I was the last person in town to find out that I had it. Everybody knew it but me. Now doesn't that sound like B.O. if you've got body odor, you're the last to know. Another thing was I bitterly resented any reference to it by my family or friends. Now you know if you've got B.O. and you come home for dinner and somebody in the family says, aren't you going to take a bath, you know, you're a little high, I would never say well thank you very much, I would get very defensive and offensive and want to punch them right in the mouth.
And that's the way I felt when anybody talked about my drinking. That's a strange thing. And another thing I discovered, like B.O., I was only comfortable with other people like myself. Now if you'll notice this is a large room and if we ever turned the temperature here up about 25 or 30 degrees and decided to have some coffee and cake, and there's six or eight
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in this room with B.O., I'll guarantee in no time at all the six or eight with B.O. will all be clustered together in one corner of the room. And you know that's the way it is with alcoholism. If you go to a drinking party and there's social drinkers there, you know they sip these glasses that last a whole evening, and there's some real drinkers there, you'll find them all clustered together, usually in the kitchen close to the source of supply, drinking in between drinks.
And that was me. And so you see it's just simply like body odor. It's very easy. Now medical science, as great as it is, in this world has not come up with a cure for either body odor or for alcoholism. There is no known cure in the world today. However, there is successful treatment for both conditions, and if it's body odor, it's regular bathing with soap and water. But remember the key to that is regularity.
And if it's alcoholism, the successful treatment is regular attendance at meetings of alcoholics and alcoholics. Now, it doesn't really matter whether I like going to meetings or not. It's the same thing with bathing. When I learned that all I had to do was, and our sponsors were pretty tough in those days, they made us shave every day and all this sort of stuff. And so when I started to learn to bathe on a daily basis to get my physical cleanliness in shape, somebody says to me, you always shave and bathe every day, seven days a week.
And I says, yup. And they said, well, do you like shaving that much? And I said, no, I don't really. But you know, I love the effect it produces. Because you see, I happen to have four granddaughters and a grandson, and I also belong to a group in Alcoholics Anonymous, and Thursday night and Monday night I have a lot of beautiful young ladies. And you know, in the old days when I had B.O., nobody had come near me with a ten-foot pole.
And now they come up to me, throw their arms around me and hug me tight and say, oh, you smell so good, Grandpa. And so, you know, I love the effect it produces. Just love it. And so it is with Alcoholics Anonymous. I need meetings of, regular meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous for the inner cleansing, for the emotional and spiritual help and health that I get from doing that exercise. So when people today say to me, are you still going to meetings regularly?
I say, yup. And they say, but you haven't had a drink for thirty-two years. Why do you keep going? And I think that's very strange. Really what they're saying to me is, Donnie, are you still bathing regularly? And I say, yup. They say, but you haven't smelled bad for thirty-two years. Why haven't you still bathed? So really, you know, all it boils down to is just plain common sense. Just plain common sense.
And I love the effect the meetings produce. Because you see, I've learned a great deal in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't do too well as a kid. I was a high school dropout. I think we called them juvenile delinquents in those days. But I was a high school dropout, and so when I did get to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had a lot of learning to do. And I discovered that this is the greatest learning experience in the world, this program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Because it has been teaching me how to live. And that's really the problem I had when I got here. I didn't really have a drinking problem. I had a living problem. What do I mean by that? As I say, I grew up, I was retarded emotionally and spiritually, and I drank to excess. And I don't know any alcoholic that I have met that wasn't retarded emotionally and spiritually. And by that I simply mean we're handicapped.
Now by handicapped, if I was physically handicapped, if I was missing an arm, it's obvious to anybody who sees it. And if I was going to lift something, they would make allowances for an obvious handicap. Or if I was mentally handicapped, mongoloid or something like that, and was having trouble writing my name, and somebody said, oh, hurry it up or something, somebody else would say, leave him alone, he's doing all right.
Because it would be an obvious handicap. Unfortunately, because it's not so obvious, an emotional and spiritual handicap, as long as we keep our mouth shut, though that's a secret. If we keep our mouth shut, people don't know we're handicapped. And that's the big problem. They think we're normal. And so they treat us as if we were, and we just don't understand them. For instance, our emotions. I as an alcoholic, you know, most people have normal emotions.
It goes up and down, a nice gentle curve. They'll have a little joy. "… nice gentle curve, they'll have a little joy or a little sorrow, and back up to a little joy, little sorrow.
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Mine was never like that. It was way up here with sheer ecstasy, and the next thing it went way down to depression, suicide prevention. Oh, I broke a shoelace this morning. This type of thing. And my emotions I discovered over or under amplified at all times. They told me I had to get honest. And I said, well, okay. And they said, you know what honesty is? And I said, well, not really. And so my sponsor wrote it out for me.
And he said, honesty is the total absence of any intent to deceive. The total absence of any intent to deceive. So I learned, first of all, that I had to be honest with myself. And then they told me that I was, because of my emotional handicap and my unbelievable ego, that I had to do something about that. And the only antidote for ego was humility. And I said, well, you know. They said, you know what humility is? And I said, well, not really, I guess.
And all humility to me is not thinking less of me, but thinking of me less. And so when I learned that, then I had to learn some other things. Because when people would say to me, you know, if you only loved your family, you wouldn't drink this much. Or if you only loved your parents or your children, you wouldn't do this to yourself. They assumed that I knew what love was. And I never did until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous.
All my growing up years, I honest to God, never knew whether I was in love or in heat. It was that simple. It was, you know, I just didn't know. And then again I had to find out what do they mean by love. Because normal people seem to understand. And I as an alcoholic didn't know. And I searched for a long time to find a definition of love. And I found one that was written by Anne Morrill Lindberg on the force of love in her book Locked Rooms and Open Doors.
And she describes love like this that I think is so much like the love we talk about in Alcoholics Anonymous. Quote, people talk about love as if it were something you could give, like an armful of flowers. And a lot of people give love like that. Just dump it down on top of you, a useless, strong-scented burden. I don't think it is anything you can give. Love is a force in you that enables you to give other things.
It is the motivating power. It enables you to give strength and power and freedom and peace to another person. It is not a result. It is a cause. It is not a product. It produces. It is a power like money or steam or electricity. It is valueless unless you can give something else by means of it. And when we talk in Alcoholics Anonymous about the language of the heart and love, I think that's what we mean.
And once I learned what love was, then I was able to do something about it. But this has been the story of my life. I have had to get definitions for everything that happened to me. Because I knew one time I was a very defiant person. And I used to be proud of my defiance until I looked it up in the dictionary and found out the definition of defiance was open disobedience, bold resistance. And so if I'm going to stop doing that, I must practice the antonym to that, which is deference, which is polite respect, giving way to someone else's judgment, rules, or authority to yield.
And so this is one of the things I have had to do in this program of Alcoholics Anonymous, emotionally. And we can learn how to do all these things and get our emotions under control and behave like normal people. When we start to grow up emotionally, it's a tremendous thrill. The other thing that I have discovered, and of course the thing that I like most to talk about, there's a medical emergency for Virginia.
The other thing that I like to talk about, though, of course, it's the closest to my heart in Alcoholics Anonymous, is spirituality. Because I said that I was sober today by the grace of God and the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. On our twelfth step of A.A., it says, Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. And what do we mean by spiritual awakening? I was confused again. I didn't know the difference between religion and spiritual.
And I learned in A.A. that the definition of religion is an organized form of worship and beliefs. Spiritual is pertaining to a state of mind. And Mildred, I believe, was last night, God bless her, was talking about that.
[00:35:00]
And I believe that so firmly today. It simply means by having had a spiritual awakening that we have a change of attitude. All our lives I have been a negative person, and they have taught me how to become a positive person. It's that simple. And when you look at an attitude, how important it is. And when we change from a negative attitude to a positive attitude, the whole world changes around us. And we can fit in with society.
And it's very important that we learn to change in attitude. And attitudes are very important to all of us. And the best way to describe what a change of attitude can do is to tell you the story of the woman from New York City who went to Boston one time for a rest. She checked in at a very fashionable hotel in Boston. And she got up to her room and was unpacking, and she heard a piano playing in the next room.
And this annoyed her and bothered her, and she got very irritated and very upset. And finally she picked up the phone and called the manager of the hotel. And she said, there's some idiot hammering on a piano in the next room, and you've got to stop him doing that or change my room. And the manager said, I'm sorry, we can't change your room because the hotel is filled to capacity. And she said, then you better stop that idiot hammering on the piano.
And he said, I can't do that either. And she said, why not? And he said, because it's a great Paderewski, and he's practicing for his concert in Symphony Hall tonight. She said, why didn't you say so in the first place? She hung up the phone, and then immediately she started calling up her friends in Boston. About an hour later, when the hotel did get a cancellation, the manager, thinking of this poor woman going crazy up there, called the bell captain over, and they decided to go up and change her room.
So they got up there, listened at the door. It was all quiet inside, so they assumed she had gone out in the meantime. So they used a passkey to go into the room to change, bring her things out. And when they opened the door and looked in, here was this woman and all her friends sitting in rapt attention, listening to the great master play. Now, the only thing that happened was a change of attitude.
And that's the only thing that happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because, you see, I said that when I came to AA, I was an agnostic. But I have come to believe in a power greater than myself that I choose to call God, simply for the lack of any other name. And I believe with all my heart and soul that there is an intelligence in this universe. And again, all we have to do is use common sense, just plain, ordinary horse sense.
When you stop and think in this room, the number of people that are in this room tonight, there are 220 million Americans in this country, and there are no two sets of fingerprints the same. Isn't that phenomenal? And going even beyond that, there are 4.5 billion people in the world, and no two sets of fingerprints the same. So each and every one of us is a very special person. Even though we all have fingers and they look much the same, we don't have the same fingerprints.
So I've discovered also that our minds… I used to wonder why God wouldn't do something that I could see he was there. But I've discovered that God is an intangible. Something that is tangible is a thing like a piece of paper. You can see it, taste it, touch it, smell it. It's tangible. The power in the universe is an intangible, because you can either see it, taste it, touch it, feel it, but nevertheless it is there.
It is always there. And when we look at how the world revolves that we are on, and the sun rises every morning and sets every night, the moon and the stars, the weather, the conditions in the universe… We had a perfect example here just a few weeks ago out in Washington, Mount St. Helens blowing up. Isn't that amazing? And that dust carrying for 1,500 miles into Fargo, North Dakota, Moorhead, going further up into Winnipeg, Canada.
And that's something no man could ever comprehend. And that, again, is the intelligence in this universe, the power that is in this universe. When we think of all the ducks and the geese and the animals who instinctively in the fall fly south, they have never seen television, they have never seen road maps, they don't have radar, and yet they all make it. Isn't that amazing? And in the spring they get back up and lay their eggs, and the babies are growing up, and by fall they head south too.
And when we think of the power and the intelligence in this universe, we have to agree, as I say, plain common horse sense tells me that, that there is some form of intelligence. And for lack of any other name, I choose to call that power God. I have also discovered too, as I have gone along in Alcoholics Anonymous, that all forms of life, all forms of life on this earth operate on instinct or climate or some other force like that, save one, and that's human life.
[00:40:00]
And the one thing that makes us different than all the birds and bees and animals is the fact that we were given a free will. And by that it simply means a free will is what it says, free. For a long time I had that word willpower all in one word, and I thought it was because I had lacked willpower. People used to say to me, if you only had more willpower you wouldn't drink the way you did. Let me tell you something, it's those non-alcoholics that lack willpower.
You know, they get drunk and thrown in jail one night and that ends their drinking. We keep on, month after month after month. That's real willpower. But I discovered in AA that all I had to do was separate those two words into will and power. And I have discovered that whatever I will, the power is added. Whatever I will, the power is added. It's that simple. So if I decide right now that I want to feel depressed to such a state, become suicidal, I can easily do that.
Give me about an hour and I can work that out very simply. The power is there to make that happen, and I can sit in my room wallowing in self-pity. On the other hand, if I will it to be a happy person, the power is there too. Because the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me how to face and accept reality. The big problem was the word accept. I thought when they said accept that that meant I had to approve or condone or like it or think it was fair or think it was reasonable.
That isn't what it means at all. It says just simply accept what is real. And I have learned that when I can accept what is real, I don't have any problems in this world when I can face and accept reality. That whatever I will, the power is added. And I can prove that it does work because when I discovered that, I made a conscientious effort through the 12-step program of recovery by going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and talking to my sponsor and particularly working with others and seeing the changes in other people.
I cannot tell you the last time I ever felt depressed. And I've even asked my wife if she could remember because, you know, she's got a memory like an elephant. She can tell you the name of the photographer that took her picture when she was four years of age, you know, that sort of thing. But she doesn't remember either. It's been many, many years that I've ever felt depressed or tired or lonely or any of those sort of things simply because I know that I have willed it to be a happy person and the power is there to make it happen.
It is that simple. And when I look at this power and I think how powerful this power really is and I say it is a miracle, this God, and there is a miracle performed in my life because when I go back to February of 1948 and tell you the way I was living, I had a wife but she didn't have a husband. I had a son and daughter but they certainly didn't have a father. And we lived in a house that certainly wasn't a home because a house is merely a building and a home is where there is warmth and love and communication and understanding and we lived in a house.
At that time of my life also, my father passed away and the one time that a mother needs her son is a time like that. And I also had five older sisters and the one time they needed their brother was at the time of their father's death. And so I went to the funeral, of course, and my older brother joined me, the alcoholic brother, and we got drunk. We started going around from bar to bar because we were so filled with remorse and all this sort of nonsense, the excuses to drink.
And we got drunk and I embarrassed my mother and also my sisters. So you see, I was a failure as a husband, a father, a brother, a son. The business I was in was also on the verge of bankruptcy when I went to that first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a failure and bankrupt in every single department of living, totally bankrupt. And I was finessed into going to this first meeting and they told me to go one day at a time, come walk with us one day at a time.
And I started doing that and they said, you try to believe in this power greater than yourself. And I said, I can't do that. And they said, just act as if there was a higher power. And I said, but you don't understand how difficult that is to do. And they said, don't be ridiculous. For years you've been pretending there wasn't one. And I said, well, I guess that makes sense. They said, well, just reverse your psychology.
Just imagine there is one. And so that started to make sense. And as time went on in spite of me, not because of me, the miracle started to happen in my own life. Because, see, I was the one who threw religion out in 1947 because there had been no… 1947, because there had been no miracles that I had been able to witness. And I had said that if there was a God, He would perform a miracle in this day and age that I would
[00:45:01]
be able to witness with my own eyes. And if it was a miracle, then it would be easy for me to believe in His power and His love. And I said, No miracles, therefore, no God. And yet when you people took me in, as I say, I was totally bankrupt in every department of living and a failure in every way. And I was so filled with failure all the time and the fear of failure. And again, you see, it's because my attitude was one hundred and eighty degrees off. I was always so full of fear of failure that I was afraid to attempt to do anything, because I was afraid to attempt anything in case I failed and what would people think. And you know, really, that's crazy, because if you fail, people don't think anything.
If you want to be noticed, just be successful. And one of the best analogies I can think of in a group like this is to tell you that in the early 1900s, there was a ship that was brand new that crossed the Atlantic from Liverpool to New York. And this was a brand new ship, unsinkable and everything else. The captain of that ship made an error in navigation. It struck an iceberg and sank, and many, many lives were lost. It was one of the greatest human failures of our time. Now, the name of the ship was the Titanic.
Those of you that remember the name of the captain, please raise your hand. There's not a soul in the room here that knows the name of the captain. It was one of the colossal human failures. Shortly after that, same era, there was another ship. At this time, it was an airplane. And the captain of this ship flew across the Atlantic from New York to Paris. And it was a successful flight. It was the first time a single-engine airplane flew across the Atlantic. And the name of that ship was the Spirit of St. Louis. Does anybody know the name of the captain? You see what I mean? There is the difference between failure and success. If you fail, don't worry about it, because nobody ever notices anyway.
So don't worry about it anymore. Forget your failures and just go along as if it was going to be successful. And I have found that that has actually worked and does work in my life. And if I will it to be a happy person and not worry about these things, it can happen. As I said, I watched what happened as I went along with you people, not understanding anything but just going along with you, following the suggestions you made. You said, try to be honest, open-minded and willing. Then when you get hungry, angry, lonely or tired, slow down and get some rest and continually work with newcomers, and the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous will happen in your life, too. And they told me that if I kept going that I would feel clean inside and good things would happen in my life. And they didn't lie to me, because that's exactly what has happened. I feel clean inside and good things have happened in my life. I have been able to bear witness to this miracle. I have watched this time and on what this miracle has done. It has given a wife back a husband. It has given two children a father. It turned a house into a home. And it gave back a mother not one son, but two sons. Because, you see, shortly after I got sober, we conned my big brother into going to a meeting, too, and he got sixteen years of sobriety before he died. And, you see, it gave five sisters back, not one brother, but two brothers. And this has to be one of the greatest miracles that could ever happen to anyone.
And then the thing that is even better than that, we are given an even greater privilege by this higher power when we are asked to do his will. And we carry this message to newcomers. We are given the privilege of witnessing other miracles every day, miracles in other people's lives. We can see sick people getting well, their attitudes change, they can become positive and constructive people and take a place in society and be welcomed there and feel part of, instead of the way we always used to feel.
And when I look back on my life and I try and think, how could I possibly describe what has happened? And then I was reading in Reader's Digest one time a prayer and it was called The Ways of the Lord. And I read that and it was written over a hundred years ago by an anonymous soldier of the Confederacy. And when I read that I said, isn't that amazing? It happened over a hundred years ago and that describes to a tee exactly the way my higher power has worked in my life. And so the way I just call it is The Ways of the Higher Power.
And it goes like this. I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for all things that I might enjoy
[00:50:06]
life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for. So despite myself, my prayers were answered and I feel I am among all men most richly blessed. And so this is the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous and the way it has happened in my life. And in closing, the only way I can think of closing is to read a quote from a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's right on page 164, because if there's anybody here tonight, any newcomers, who say, oh, that's all right for Don there.
He's well off today and it's okay for these people that have got Drive Lincoln Continentals and all this stuff to talk about being happy and all that, but I'm different. Let me tell you, I am not different. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was $13,000 in debt. My sponsors would not let me declare bankruptcy in those days. You had to pay 100 cents on the dollar. And so we went for nine years without an automobile of any kind. Our son and daughter never got store-bought clothes till they were in high school, because it took us 13 years and three months to pay off the debts from my drinking days. But we persisted. We did it because we were told to do it by Alcoholics Anonymous, our sponsors said, to get going with it. You do these things, pay your debt to society and the good things will happen in your life. And those good things have happened in my life, so I am a living example that it can happen and it can happen to anyone. And if you are saved to say tonight, yeah, but I'd like to have it happen to me, too, how do we go about it? Very simply, on page 164, I will close with this quote and how we do this and get this way. It says, Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us.
We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then.