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Source: DICOBE-00327 – Mary Jo H – WEST VIRGINIA STATE CONV – 1980-06-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00327-mary-jo-h-west-virginia-state-conv-1980-06-15.mp3 Duration: 00:59:42
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It's a pleasure to introduce the speaker whom I've heard and enjoyed, and I hope that you enjoy and also derive some benefit from her story. Without any further comments, I'll give you Mary Jo from Newton Falls, Ohio. My name is Mary Jo H., and I'm an alcoholic, and I am a grateful alcoholic, and I am a nervous alcoholic. I wasn't too nervous until everybody said, Are you nervous? I said, Yeah, I'm nervous.
Yeah, I've been nervous for a week, because you know, sometimes I've got to pinch myself to have the honor, to have the honor, to speak at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, especially an occasion like this. I want to thank the committee, or whoever was responsible for inviting me down here. You know, I'm very grateful for it, and I found out in January or February, and about every day I kept thinking, Why me?
And then I thought, Why not me? Because I am an alcoholic, and I have one story to tell. And I realized that I wasn't coming down here to entertain nobody. I wasn't coming down here to impress anybody. And I was talking to people just like me, that love me, and I knew that. And I know that. You know, the story that I'm about to tell you is my life. It's not a pretty life. It wasn't a pretty life, but it's okay today.
It's okay today. You know, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, they said they were going to show me a new way of life. And I firmly believe that it's a new way of life. It's a life that I guessed that I was dwelling or wanting long before I came into this fellowship. I knew there was something for me somewhere, and for a long time it was a bottle. I loved the bottle. I loved it. Fell in love with it from the first drink.
You know, it did for me what I wanted to do for many years. And it was hard to come into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and fall in love with it. I was one of them hardheads, you know. It took me a long time, a long time to learn to love this fellowship. When they told me to come, they said, come and then come to believe. And I came, and I came to believe. I firmly believe that I'm a miracle through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It taught me something that I guess I wanted all my life, and that was a God. A God of my understanding. You know, I didn't have no God when I came into the fellowship. Not because of my choosing. Where I came from, you just didn't go to church, you know. Nobody went to church, and it was all right. And I was learned to think negative long before I took a drink of alcohol. Long before alcohol came into my life.
I could have used Alateen before I found Alcoholics Anonymous. I could have used Elanon before I experienced with alcohol. See, I came from a drinking family. I came from a dad that was a drunk, you know. And I came from a family of eight children. There was four boys and four girls, and I was the baby. You know, the baby usually gets to get spoiled, but in my neighborhood, you don't get spoiled. You know, you learn to fight to survive.
Just fight to survive. Just fight to get along. You know, and that was taught to me very young, to be programmed to survive. I learned to survive really young. You know, my dad was 54 years old when I was born, and, man, I thought I had a hell of a resentment when I found out that he was an old man. Took me a long time to find that out, you know. And he was a wino. And he drank white port wine. And he drank it daily.
He was long across the invisible line before I came into the world. I guess the only thing I'm grateful for is that he brought me into the world today. At one time, I wasn't even grateful for that. Because he drank it daily, and he drank it by the gallon. And he never was good-looking. He was kind of corny, you know. And he was… One thing he didn't hear me brag about is being Irish, and I am, but I don't brag about it, guaranteed.
No way. Gotta stay humble. Because he looked, you know, kind of red-faced and a big red nose, a whiskey nose, you know, and he looked numb and dumb, numb and dumb. You know, and I couldn't understand him. And I was programmed to hate him. I was programmed to hate him. You know, my mom, she's 80 years old, and she's never had a drink or a cigarette in her life.
[00:05:03]
And, you know, people would say, oh, that's beautiful. You know, she would… But you didn't need to tell her it was beautiful. She knew it was beautiful. She was the biggest martyr I ever seen. And she nagged a lot, and she complained a lot. And she called my dad good names, you know, real good names. And I learned to think he was a no-good whatever-she-said-he-was. And, you know, I used to learn to hate him.
I learned to hate him just by being programmed from a little kid to hate him. You know, thank God for this Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It took me 18 years to find out my father wasn't too bad of a guy. Eighteen years after he was dead, I still hated him, because that was a practicing alcoholic. Because that was a practicing alcoholic. I thought he was my fault. I thought where I came from was my fault.
But I didn't know that I had character defects, you know, until I came into the program. I figured it out real quick when they said, you've got character defects, you've got a bad temper. I thought, God, that's what's the matter with me. You know, they had to teach me from the beginning, from when I should have learned maybe when I was a little kid somewhere along the way about character defects or about God, about God.
You know, I never went to church because my dad was drunk and my mother was fighting with him all the time. And he'd rip up the house and he'd do crazy things like that. And it took all of his money to drink. And we lived in a low-income neighborhood, you know, and I went to rough schools. And I lived on the street where if you got home safe, you know, if you ran fast enough and they didn't get you, you was all right.
And I learned fear. I learned fear real quick because I was a little person. You know, I didn't like to fight. I didn't like to fight. And ungodly fears started coming into me when I started getting into 10, 11, 12 years old where I couldn't go to bed at night because I was afraid. And I wished my father dead. And then I guess it was the guilt that I felt because after I go to bed I dwell on it and I couldn't go to sleep until I go in and wake my old man up and say, Hey, Pop, you okay?
And then I justified the guilt. I was able to go to bed and go to sleep. See, I always right away justify. You know, and I wasn't going to drink and I wasn't going to stay in that neighborhood. I was going to get better and I was going to move and I was never going to look back. And I was going to show them. And you know, when my dad used to, I would be dreaming and when I got big and I was making money and my dad asked me for a buck or, you know, I said, Get lost, man, you can give me nothing.
That's what I wanted to do. You know, and when I picked up my first drink, I didn't plan on picking up my first drink. I was never going to drink. I was never going to live like this. And I picked it up when I was about 14 years old and you know who gave it to me? My dad. And he gave it to me out of a bottle of Whiteport wine. And you know, I drank it. And he said, You want a little taste, Mary? I said, Yeah.
You know, I was curious. And I took a little taste and I didn't drink the whole bottle and I didn't pass out and I didn't get drunk and I didn't get sick. But my God, in about five minutes I got the feeling that I thought, This is it. This is the answer. You know, I was shook. From the time I was born, I shook. You know, and man, after one drink of Whiteport wine I didn't shake no more and my neighborhood wasn't so bad and hell, my old man was a pretty good guy.
He was married to a hag like he was married to. I drank too and that was my mother. She complained and yelled too much, you know. And my whole idea of life changed with one drink of Whiteport wine. Changed. And from then on, it was one drink of something to make me feel good. I was about 14 years old. I didn't become a daily drinker. There was no way. But from 14 until, I don't know, 16 or 17, I was in a lot of trouble.
A lot of trouble due to alcohol. I seemed to judge so many times that I knew him by his first name, you know. And every time I'd go to court, my mother'd cry and I'd say, Man, don't humble yourself to that guy. He ain't nobody. He's just a judge, you know. Don't ever show anybody that you're afraid. Don't cry. Look them smack dead in the face and show them who's boss. You know, and she begged, just begged him not to do anything with her kid.
And I used to get embarrassed with my mother. You know, I wouldn't walk down the street with her because I was ashamed of her because I thought she was a pantywasher. She begged too much. That's what alcohol did, you know. And I'd steal things that didn't belong to me. I thought I had it coming, you know.
[00:10:02]
I did things to the cops like slice their tires and stuff because I thought I had it coming. They was picking on me. It was the neighborhood I came from and the people that I associated with and we didn't have a chance. That's what I thought. You know, and they kicked me out of school. I didn't think that was important because I'd sleep all the time, you know. I'd go to school in the morning, sleep an hour and bell would ring, get up and go to the other class and sleep another hour and bell would ring.
Same thing, over and over. You know, my mother said, get enough education just to be able to fill out an application, Mary. You know, you might need a job someday. And I didn't care about nothing. I cared about the weekends and who drank and when I could drink with them. You know, I met a guy when I was about 14 or 15. I don't know. My God, he was a guy just like me. And I loved him, loved him. Daily, you know.
He drank beer and he had his own car and a little bit of money and I thought, God, I'll marry him and we'll drink and live happily ever after. And you know, it don't work that way. We got married, you know, and I'm all the ripe age of maybe 17. And he wanted his house cleaned and his supper and I was like, Christ, is he a bore, you know. I had a mother and father-in-law that was beautiful. I married an only child.
You know, and I always thought if I got on the right side of the tracks, I was going to be okay. If I got in with the you-know-whos. You know, Mose Yoder always says if you're going to watch, if you're trying to follow the Joneses, you better make sure where the hell they're going. I believe that today. I thought you follow the Joneses. You live like that. You got money and you're okay. You know, God was good to me then when I didn't even want him to be.
He was good to me then. I didn't pray to him, but he was good to me. Because I found a family that I really loved. I found a mother and father-in-law that I really, really loved. And they loved me. And it was so good to find a woman that loved me like I was her daughter. You know, she taught me how to cook and she taught me how to clean and she taught me how to sew. And my father-in-law just idolized me and they made me a part.
They made me a part and I had hope. I had hope. And you know, it was easy to put down the bottle then. It was easy to put it down. And things started going fine and the material things started coming. And it was nice, you know. And I had a baby when I was 18 1⁄2 years old and I thought, my God, how lucky this kid is to have me for a mother. God only knew what that poor kid was out for. And I always say, if I ever wanted to make amends, I'd never have to leave my front room.
If I ever owe anybody amends, it's my kids. Because that's where the damage was. And that's who got the slack of the alcoholism. And I ain't proud of that, but that's where it was. You know, and I'm no longer ashamed of my life because God forgave me. And thank God for a day at a time, many, many days at a time, I learned to forgive myself. I know I am not responsible. I am responsible to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and believe, and believe in this God-given program because that's what it is for me.
Because my life, you know, it went on okay and the baby came and my husband worked and I was happy. I was happy as far as I could be. But you know, one thing about me as a drunk, you know, I got bored real quick. God, I got bored. You know, in that house that was so important, it became something that I didn't even like to be in. And that baby that was so lucky for me, having me as a mother, I couldn't stand.
You know, she'd cry and I'd want to put a pillow over her head or I wanted to choke her. And I thought, my God, something's wrong with me. You know, you don't tell people that because you go to a crazy house, you know, when you tell people that. Because, you know, when I was a kid, they always called me Crazy Mary and I thought, well, maybe I'm still crazy. You know, and I also believe that I have a disease called alcoholism.
I have to believe that with all my heart that I have a disease called alcoholism. And without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for recovery, recovery, I have a daily reprieve because what I'm telling you tonight is the way I feel tonight. But my life ain't a bed of roses. I don't get up in the morning just smiling all the time. But thank God for the program because I could cope with it today. And that's what I ran away from, cope.
And that's what I ran away from, cope, responsibility, anything that was too heavy I couldn't handle, I didn't want to run away.
[00:15:08]
You know, my baby crying, I wanted to choke her, and I got afraid, and I couldn't sleep, and I got confused. And I said, I know what makes me feel good, alcohol. I was always happy when I drank. And I picked up the bottle when I was about 20 years old. And I picked up the bottle to become a daily drinker for many, many years at 20 years old. And I drank beer, and I drank it every day. You know, I'd run down the store, and I'd get a six-pack.
And Christ, my kid would cry, and I'd rock her to sleep, and she could make noise, and I'd play with her, you know. And I was able to run the sweeper and do the beds and cook my meals, and I had a beer in my hand 24 hours a day. You know, my husband used to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and say, my God, Mary, are you going to drink again? I'd say, why not? I couldn't see nothing wrong with it.
Anything that made you feel that good couldn't be that bad. You know, and I had no confusing thoughts or feelings or nothing when I was under the influence of alcohol. But one thing about alcohol, it's progressive. You know, and I guess if I knew better, I'd have done better. But I had to go where I had to go. And you know, one thing about… A lot of people say they didn't go where I went. You know, they didn't have to go to the bottom, but if you don't go as far as I go, you don't have as far as to come back.
Because I choose to go where I went. You know, because pretty soon, I didn't like staying home and the house wasn't too important, neither was my husband. You know, and neither was the baby. And I started going out and I wanted to become a barmaid, you know. I thought, my God, to work there and drink all that stuff and get paid for it, that would be fantastic. And I became a barmaid at 21 years old.
You know, and I worked 6 days a week, 10 hours a day, and I drank on Sunday too. You know, 7 days a week, and I'd go to the after-hour joints and stay until daylight. You know, my husband didn't like that, and I didn't care what he liked. I was willing to take the consequences. I ran around with a whole bunch of black eyes and busted mouths, but I was willing to pay the price for the drink of alcohol.
Alcohol robbed me of my fear, you know, them ones that used to chase me down the street. When I drank alcohol, I'd chase them up the street, because it removed it. And I liked to fight, and I liked to get in trouble. You know, that was my big thrill of getting in a fight, and I fought every night, you know, for a long time. I used to like to attend bar because I was authority, and when you got too drunk, I threw you out.
That was authority. You know, but it went on, and my husband, he went to the service, and I don't blame him, because I was crazy. I was crazy. If he gave me a black eye, he better not go to sleep, because he's going to have something when he woke up, and he knew that. I never let him turn his back. You know, I always got even, and I ain't proud of that, neither. You know, but he was gone for three years, and I didn't write him a letter.
He'd send me money to come and get, to come and meet him, and I'd never go. Once in a while, he'd say, hey, Mary, how about sending me a picture of the baby? And I didn't take time out to do it, and I ain't proud of that, but that's the way it was. You know, all the material things went down a drain, and I was back over the tracks that I came from, that I thought I fought so hard to get out of, living with my mother that was 50-some years old and had to go out and get a job because my father had died.
And, you know, she was working eight hours a day and taking care of my baby at night, and she was going to be my daughter's mother and father for many years. And once in a while, she used to say, why don't you come home and see your baby? I said, she gets everything she wants. What do you want from me? She said, maybe she needs a little of your love. And I'd feel guilty for a little bit, and then I'd take a drink, and I'd be all right.
Any time I felt guilty about anything, I'd take a drink, and I'd be all right. You know, and my life went on. It didn't get any better. And, you know, my husband came home, and we got back together, and I had another baby, and my other daughter was seven and a half years old when another baby girl was born, and I was 25 years old. And if I thought I was immature at 18, I was completely insane at 25, completely insane.
I couldn't cope with this baby no more than the world. But I was going to change now. This is when I was going to start changing. This is when I quit a thousand times before I could quit. You know, I was going to bring that baby home, and I wasn't going to drink no more, and I was going to be a good mother, and I was going to be a good wife, and I was going to be different at 25 years old. And, you know, something happened when I came home.
I didn't drink, and that was the first time I hadn't drank some kind of alcohol since I was 21 years old or 20 years old. You know, strange things started happening.
[00:20:00]
Radio started playing when there wasn't any there, you know. Voices was there, and there were no people. And if I thought I was immature as a mother at 18, I was completely nuts because when my baby cried, I'd run three blocks down the street to get my mother because I couldn't hold still to feed her. And I'd shake, and I'd cry, and I told my mother, I'm going crazy, I'm going crazy. And, you know, I wouldn't have cared where she put me at that time, but she took me to Alcoholics Anonymous.
She said, you ain't going no crazy, you're just drunk. I agreed with her, and I came to Alcoholics Anonymous at 25 years old. And I stuck around for about seven weeks. You know, I got better real quick. And I heard people running off at the mouth up here just like me, you know. And they'd say, a man would say, hey, I went out and got drunk, and I lost my car. And I said, you dumbass, you need to quit drinking.
But I couldn't identify, I didn't have a car. You know, the women, they'd go on and say, I didn't drink, and I stopped in for one drink. I didn't drink for a long time, and I stopped in for one drink, and I was gone four or five days. And I thought, boy, that's a good one. When I'm gone now, I got an excuse, I don't remember. See, they was trying to share with me blackouts, you know, that you don't remember when you drink, and I hadn't reached that point yet.
I'd get drunker than hell, you know, and see three people, I'd get drunker than hell, you know, and see three, and close one eye and go up the side of the bar, you know, or fall off a bar stool, but that was normal. You know, and if you laugh, I'd hit you in the head with a beer bottle, but that was normal. That's normal drinking, that's normal people, because I've seen the people in the bar doing the same thing as I did, same thing, you know.
And I listened to this, and I thought, my God, you think my mother wants me to stay here for the rest of my life, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and talk about that crap? And I left. And they said, we'll see you again, Mary. I said, crazy, too, you ain't never seeing me again. And I thanked them for teaching me how to drink. I said, I won't drink as much, and I'll change my drink, and I'll cut down, you know, instead of drinking a case, I'll only drink 12.
And I really thought I had it together, really thought I had it together, and I thought, my God, you poor people, going to these meetings and smoking these cigarettes and drinking coffee for the rest of your life, and they told me it was only a day at a time. And I left. And they told me you could get off the elevator anywhere you choose, Mary, anywhere you choose, you could get off right now and save yourself a lot of misery.
And, you know, I said the famous words that I hear, some of you maybe don't hear it down here, but I hear it in Ohio, I'm too young. I was 25, you know, I'm too young. When them young people tell me that today, I say, get back out there, sucker, and go through what I went through, because I'm here to tell you that I wasn't too young. And I could have got off that elevator and stayed off that elevator, but I'd choose to drink alcohol.
And if I thought my life was bad before, I hadn't seen nothing yet. I hadn't seen nothing, and my poor kids hadn't seen nothing yet. And the baby that was coming along after I went back out there hadn't seen nothing yet, because I went on about my merry way for about a year, and then these things that these people told me in Alcoholics Anonymous started happening to me when I was about 26 or 27 years old.
I went to work one day and woke up in my bed, and my God, I wondered, what did I do? Where did I go? How did I get home? Did I insult anybody? Did I get fired, or did I quit? And then I had to have a drink to get enough guts to go to work, you know, because it had to give me some kind of a feeling. You know, I used to say, I'm going to call up and tell my boss I'm sorry, and I don't remember, and after a six-pack, I'd say, Helen, that son of a bitch, I'm going in there and see what happens.
I'd go in there just as cocky as heck. But see, alcohol is progressing, and it came to the point where I couldn't work no more. I couldn't work no more. I couldn't make it to work because I couldn't stay out of a blackout long enough to go to work at 6 o'clock. You know, in that favorite beverage that my dad used to drink that I was never going to drink, because nobody was going to call me a wino, I used to kick somebody's fanny for calling my dad a wino.
I used to get more black eyes for people making fun of my dad, and I wasn't going to be that person, but I picked up the bottle that he put down when he reached his grave. I picked it up because I liked the taste of it. You know, one thing about wine, it'll make you return things that you never even stole, you know.
[00:25:04]
And you only need a little glass of water to get the buzz going again, you know. It'll run out. But God, do you get sick. Do you get sick. You know, and along this way, somewhere along the way, I must have been doing something besides drinking wine because I was pregnant. And I didn't like the situation, and I drank to oblivion. I drank to oblivion. And my husband didn't like the situation, and he left home.
And my mother didn't like the situation, and she kicked me out with two kids along. And now here I'm an immature 28-year-old person, a full-blown drunk with three kids and no place to go, or two kids and one on the way. So I had to humble myself and get on welfare. You know, and I was one of them ones that used to scream in the bar about all these people getting stuff free. And, you know, I lived in a low-income apartment without no furniture and not much food.
And one bed and two kids and me. And I didn't like that feeling, but my pride wasn't going to tell nobody I was hurting. When my mother said, it shows yours, you take it. You know, that baby came along, and I couldn't stay in the hospital for three days because I was addicted to alcohol. I had that baby one night, and the next day I was home because I needed a drink. I needed a drink. You know, and I shook a lot when I had that baby, you know.
And I can remember laying in the bed after I had her, and my head wouldn't hold still, and I was jumping all over the bed, you know. And I heard them nurses say, that poor thing, that poor thing. And I thought, I'm getting the hell out of here, you know. And I went home to live in oblivion for seven or eight weeks. I can't even remember. My 10-year-old kid was taking care of my two babies, and I ain't proud of that.
You know, and she'd have to get herself off to school, and every morning I'd get up and she'd say, Mommy, are you going to drink again? And I'd say, Just once, just once. Because I didn't want to look where I was, and I didn't want to look at the responsibilities that I had because I always ran away from them. Always ran away from them. You know, that newborn baby scared me to death, just scared me to death.
And I didn't want to look at her, and I didn't want to feed her, and I wanted to stay drunk. You know, somewhere along the way, God was good to me. My baby got sick and she went in the hospital and she had double pneumonia and her lungs collapsed and she had malnutrition due to the fact of living with an alcoholic mother. You know, am I grateful enough? Am I grateful enough to see my daughters grow up to be beautiful girls today thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous?
Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous. To see them healthy due to the misuse of alcohol that their mother chose to take. You know, when the baby came home and the cops was after me and the children's services was after me and everybody was after me and I stayed numb and dumb like my dad was. You know, my kids used to tell me, Mom, it's straightened up. They're going to take me off of you. They're going to take us off of you.
And she was only 10 years old. But I did the brave thing that every alcoholic did. Take the easy way out and try to commit suicide. And I went into the hospital, into intensive care where I was cussing everybody out because I was living. Because I was living. You know, and I went into the psychiatric ward where I spent many a month and I didn't want to come out because I was comfortable. I was comfortable.
They told me when to eat, when to go to sleep, when to get up, when to go to bed. And I didn't have to cope and I didn't have to think and I didn't have to be a part. And my mom would come up and talk about my kids and I'd scream like a crazy woman. I didn't want to hear no part of it. God was good to me then. God was good to me then. They kept me long enough to leave me out for me to stay sober. And I'm grateful for that.
I stayed sober not in the fact of alcoholic synonyms. I stayed sober out of fear. Out of fear of going to jail. You know, not out of fear of losing my kids, just out of fear of going to jail. But something happened to me in them two years. I realized that I could function sober as a human being. I was able to clean my house and feed my kids and even bath them. Even bath them. You know, I can remember that morning I tried to commit suicide.
You couldn't even see the inside of my house because it was so filthy. I couldn't even see the inside of my house because it was so filthy. I looked at two little kids standing there that God only knows when they had a bath or
[00:30:03]
when they was fed, and I didn't like what I seen, I didn't like it, and I tried to take the easy way out. But you know, in them two years I was able to function, and I was still on welfare, and I was still living in that low-income apartment, but you know, I used to run up and down steps like a yo-yo and look at my kids, because I gave them a bath and washed their hair and put them in clean bed and clean pajamas, and I put supper on the table and they ate, and I got up and sent them to school, and I, you know, I patted myself on the back for that.
In the meantime, everybody say, come to Alcoholics Anonymous, Mary, I said, not me, they ain't saving my soul. I didn't want to get better, I just wanted to stay halfway sober, until a monkey got off my back. You know, that's all. I just wanted to get them, I always thought when that kid goes to first grade, then I could drink all day and be homicidal clock. You know, but when I cleaned up, I met a guy and I conned him right in to marry me.
I needed him. But God was good to me, you know, he didn't give me a bum this time. He gave me a pretty nice guy, you know, and we got all the material things start coming back, and I got a new home again, you know, and my kids had a dad that loved them, and you think I would be grateful for that? No, no. You know, I got to the point where I hated that guy, with my stinking thinking. You know, he was one of those guys who came home a quarter to five and didn't stop for a beer, you know.
And when I wanted to fight him, smack him in the head, he didn't want to fight back, and I thought, man, he's strange, you know. What did I marry, a pansy or something? You know, he wasn't no fun at all. He mowed the lawn and cut the wood for the fireplace and that crazy stuff, and I thought, God, this guy's nuts. No excitement, no excitement, because I wanted to drink. I got the monkey off my back.
I wanted to drink. I knew that. The first thing I got in my house, I was pregnant with a baby, and about when I was about four or five months pregnant, the doctor said to me, Mary, you've gained too much weight. He said, I'm going to give you a little pill, and God, I knew what that pill was. I took it before. I said, give me that prescription and let me go. You know, and I didn't talk to my husband sometimes for two weeks, just because I didn't want to talk to him.
I didn't like him. You know, I took that pill, and God, I gave him a kiss and was glad to see him. If he'd have bought me a whole prescription for him, sure, you know, because it was speed, you know. And it kept you up all night and made you crazy. And then put a little bit of alcohol with that, and it did the trick. First thing I got was a bar, and by top shelf whiskey, if I don't drink that white port wine and that beer, and I drink scotch or VO, you know, I ain't going to be no drunk like I used to be, bull crap.
And I got glasses with my initials on it, you know, and I had a fireplace, and I bought a rug. I got now, you know, when it's snowing, just look out the window and drink it on that rug and watch that fireplace, and it was boring as hell. I wanted bars. I wanted that good time. And the baby came along, and he was a boy. I thought that was the answer. That was the answer. And you know what? That baby cried and wet his pants just like them girls did.
I couldn't handle him no better, couldn't handle him no better. You know, and I started picking, and I started drinking. And I started drinking to be a binge drinker, and God, if there's any of you binge drinkers, out there, don't waste your time. It kills you. That was the worst drinking I ever had in my life, being a binge drinker, because I drank Friday night, Saturday night, taped her off Sunday, lay on the couch Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, popped speed on Thursday, cleaned the house to be justified to drink on Friday.
If anybody tried to drink any harder than me, I'd like to find them, you know. I'd cook seven meals, you know, on Thursday with that speed, and wash all the clothes, and do all the cooking, and cook all those meals, and put them in the freezer so I could drink. Justify it. Justify it. Then Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I'd lay on the couch. And I'd take care of my baby, stay in the crib all day. And then when my girls would come home from school, I'd scream at them like crazy, like a crazy lady.
Get them dishes done before your father gets home. Get them beds done, run the sweeper, like a crazy lady. God, am I grateful enough. You know, because I couldn't stay a binge drinker. These things that only an alcoholic feels start happening to me. You know, the guilt, and the remorse, and the ungodly fear. I thought I had it when I was a kid. It was almost immersively, the fear and the guilt. You know, I used to drink in my own front room and wake up the next day full of guilt.
And I thought, what the hell am I guilty about? I didn't do nothing.
[00:35:02]
I didn't know the progression of alcoholism. You know, and I couldn't be a weekend drinker no more. And then I'd start going six, seven, eight weeks without drinking a drop of alcohol. Sometimes I'd get three months, four months without drinking any kind of form of alcohol. But when I picked up the first drink, I couldn't stop for four or five days. I would have to drink until I would get so physically sick that I couldn't move.
And then I'd go four, five, six, seven weeks again without a drink of alcohol. Pick up a drink of alcohol and drink to oblivion. You know, and I knew something was wrong with me. And I probably knew it was alcohol, but I didn't want to give it up. I just didn't want to give it up. You know, and then I got where I was a daily drinker, and I got where I hid in the bedroom and I wouldn't come out because I was ashamed.
I couldn't look my kids in the face no more. I couldn't look at them. I couldn't get up and fix them no breakfast and send them to school because I couldn't stand to see them. I'd hide in my bedroom until they caught the bus at 8.30 and then I'd come out and drink and get back into the bedroom before 3.30 before they got home and I laid in that bed many and many a times and said, God, God, what's wrong with me?
I remember my knees being cleaned up to my chin and I'd have 15 blankets over me and two pillows trying to hide me and I couldn't, couldn't quit hurting. You know, one day I left home and I was out in that street for I don't know how long, a year or so. I was willing to pay the price. And I went right back to where I thought that caused me all the trouble. I went back to the bars that my father said, don't even go in there, ladies, don't even go in.
You know, and I drank that wine and I lived in them cheap rooms that, that human beings don't live in. You know, because I was willing to pay the price and at Christmas time I'd miss my kids, you know. And I'd try to go home and bring them a present and I couldn't wrap their presents. You know, and I'd leave again and I'd go back and I'd wait until 4 o'clock in the morning for my drink, for my drink.
You know, that bartender was five minutes late, that sucker almost got killed because there was a line of us waiting there, you know. And I couldn't believe it when I'd get in there at 4 o'clock I was ashamed to go out and I wouldn't leave until it got dark. It would be about 2.30. And I'd go to my room and I was always taking a bottle there but I couldn't get nothing out of it. I'd sleep for about five minutes and when my booze was gone I'd get up and I'd be shaking apart and I couldn't wait almost an hour for a drink.
But I never once said the magic word for me what the magic word was. I never swallowed my pride and I didn't need nobody. I didn't need nobody. You know, one morning it was about Christmas time and I can remember standing in line and the alcohol had let me down. It had let me down and it wasn't doing them things to me that it used to do. You know, I used to pray for a blackout and I wasn't getting any.
And I didn't get drunk. I just got sick and ungodly fear and guilt. And I could remember everything that was going on and I didn't like where I was, you know. And I can remember standing in line waiting for my drink in December and seeing guys in the doorway sleeping with cardboard over them and then parked cars. And I thought this is where I'm going to be. You know, this is where I'm going to be. And I guess I started taking an inventory of myself that God, I'm sure today, had a part in.
I'm sure God had a part in. I wasn't capable of doing anything for myself. And I started looking at me and I started going into the bar and I tried to start drinking to oblivion and it wouldn't go away. It wouldn't go away. There was a voice in the back of my head saying, man, Mary, you ain't got nobody to blame but yourself. Nobody to blame but the bottle. And I was trying to cuss my father out and blame him and it kept saying, no.
And I started looking at him like a different father that morning. I can remember the gardens he made and I can remember the beautiful flowers he had and I can remember the beautiful yard we had when there was eight kids in it. And I'd never seen him like that before. I was so busy thinking that he was a cost to me. I'd never seen him like that. I know God had a plan. And then I can remember sitting on that bar stool and the jukebox started jumping up and down.
And I thought, that ain't right. And the doors started flying open and nobody was coming in and I thought, that ain't right neither. And I can remember looking in the mirror and that mirror popping off the wall and I thought, that ain't right neither. But God, I never want to forget that picture
[00:40:02]
that I'd seen in that mirror. Never want to forget it. You know, there was a lady sitting there that I guess was me. That was about 160 pounds and you couldn't see her eyes because her face was so swollen. You know, and I had that three shades hair, gray, red and black on the end. And I had a red face just like my old man and a red nose just like him. I was like, God, that ain't me. And I said something.
I said, God, please, please kill me or cure me. And things started happening. Things started happening. I called to go to Crazy House. And instead of taking me to Crazy House, they took me to Alcoholics Anonymous. They took me to a clinic in Youngstown, Ohio. And I can remember riding with that lady and she said, I want to go to Woodside. That's a crazy house up my house. And I can remember her pulling into that clinic and I seen that clinic saying, clinics for alcoholics.
I said, what the hell are you taking me here for? I ain't alcoholic, I'm crazy. And I really thought that was it. And I can remember going in there and I can remember a couple of days of hallucinations. I don't think they were the DTs. Because I can remember, I can remember the spiders crawling all over me and them getting up in the corner. I can remember that feeling. I just always say, I ain't telling that, because nobody would believe it until I heard other people.
I was like, yeah, they'll believe it. You know, and I got out of there in five days and I'd like to tell you I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and fell in love with it, but that'd be a lie. You know, I went home and my husband was still there and my kids were still there and they allowed me to come back home. I was cocky as hell after about seven weeks, you know. He used to say, you got to go to meetings every night.
I said, yeah, everyone stays sober, you know. And when they told me to grab on to, this is a selfish program. Buddy, that was easy for me because I was the most selfish person in my whole life, all the time. And I did what made me happy. You know, and I didn't listen to nobody at home. I didn't care what they said. And I went seven nights a week and I still didn't do my housework and I still bat my kids in the head, you know.
I'd come to meetings and everybody'd say, oh, Mary, you're doing such a beautiful job. And I'd say, yeah, I know it, you know. I was the best AA you ever seen and the most worst monster that ever walked in the house of the Hoovers. My kids would tell you that. One day I said to my kids, after all, I'm an alcoholic and my one kid said, big deal. I said, that ungrateful brat. You know, and I used to go home and I'd cry and I'd say, they don't trust me.
And my sponsor, and I had one of the best sponsors that ever lived. She was mean. She said, after all you do, why should they trust you? And I'd see the fear in my kids' eyes and I'd cry with guilt. You know, and they were scared to turn the radio on. They were scared to put the television on. If I smiled, they smiled. If I didn't smile, they didn't smile. You know, and I used to be late for them coming home from the meetings, maybe an hour or so.
And I'd see them all sitting there looking at me to see if I was drinking or not and boy, that irritated me. You know, and I came, and I came, and I came. And those kids were little and my husband was their father and mother and I was going on about being Mrs. A.A., you know, running the whole show, but not doing nothing, just running my mouth, you know. And then the day came, my sponsor says, time for you to get active.
I said, for what? She said, make the coffee. I said, you make it. She said, pick up the ashtrays. I said, I didn't put them there. I didn't do nothing in A.A., but run my mouth. You know, them kids have a way of growing up. And I had a kid that choose to go the route of alcohol and drugs. And I had no foundation under me in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because they used to tell me, you read the big book. And I thought, I used to say, they said that was suggested.
And they said, get in the 12th step. And I said, they said I wasn't ready for it. You know, who's they? Those are the people I used to think got me drunk. You know, and then they come in A.A. They, I could never point one person out. It was always they. You know, and my sponsor said, Mary, it's time for you to be chairman. Oh, one time, a woman didn't show up. She said, you got to take a place. I said, I ain't taking a place.
She said, you take your place or I'll kick the hell out of you. I said, I'll take a place. I liked her. I liked her when she talked to me like that. You know, but I wouldn't do anything that was suggested to me in Alcoholics Anonymous. I wouldn't get rid of my pride. I wouldn't get rid of it. Rid of my pride, I wouldn't get rid of nothing, I carry, you know when that fifth chapter says half measures avail you nothing, that's the truth for me, cause half measures, I was doing
[00:45:04]
everything I wasn't supposed to do, and when they'd get on my case, I'd say, you always gotta gossip about somebody, and hell they had to write the gossip about me, I gave them the right, you know and as it went on and my kids started drinking I was gonna kill her, I'd lock her in the bedroom, take her shoes, beat her to death, you know and they told me in their head, that ain't the way you do it, that ain't the way you do it, then God was good to me, she got married and moved to Columbus, and I got cocky and she got married and she had a baby and I thought, oh boy that's so nice, I get to be a grandmother, hell I'm his mother, you know, because she came home about a year, but God was good to me in the meantime too, because somewhere along the way, with her problems, my problems, and not working the program, I picked up a drink, after three years, in the fellowship with Alcoholics Anonymous, and there might be a lot of people here that has an excuse for a slip, but I don't, I don't believe in slips, I don't even feel that I had a slip, I feel that I had a damn good plan, you know, I didn't know I was just going to go out that night, but with my attitude, and the way I was living, there was nowhere for me to go back to the bottle, I like to call it a relapse, a relapse of self-will, stinking thinking, and choose not to use this program, and you know I drank for about ten hours, about three hours of remembering it, and four hours of remembering it, and I could remember drinking at home, I was going to drink a six pack, and I wasn't going to lose my three years of sobriety, nobody was going to know, you know, and I drank two in the house, and one in the car, and I thought, these people are crazy, I don't care if they know or not, I feel so good, and I thought, what the hell did I listen to all these people for three years for, you know, so I know what alcohol does for me, but I've got to remember what it does for me all the way through, about two hours of shooting, pulling, cuffing, and getting in a fight, and I thought, my God, that felt so good to fight again, and cuffing, you know, they told me clean up my mouth, and I did, and I didn't like it, you know, then I woke up in a bedroom down in my cellar that we built, sometime the next morning, with a couple six packs of beer, wiped completely out, and never even remember coming home, you know, and that time I told you about that guy that was driving the car, when I was 25, 37, and I identified, and you know, that's the first time in my life that I ever asked God besides that, you know, I thought I had an end with God that day I asked him for help from the bar store, and I got on my knees, and I said, God, please, please, if you just let me do it your way, and Alcoholics Anonymous, I promise you I'll do the best I could, and you know, that was four and a half years ago, and I haven't seen it necessary to take a drink, my life didn't change, it got rougher, it got rougher, but thank God for it today, thank God for it, you know, my kid got worse, she got a divorce, and she brought that baby home to me when it was 13 months old, and I thought, my God, I just want to be its grandmother, and I had to be its mother, and you know, she was one of these traveling drunks, she'd be in Texas and Florida and California, she'd call up and say, Mama, and I'd say, yeah, honey, I'm coming, and people on the edge said, Mary, you've got to release her, you've got to release her, and there was one lady down there, I don't know, you know, I love everybody, but my God, someone's a tolerance testers to me, because there was one lady said, give her a tough love, kick her out, I said, if she was your kid, I would, but she's mine and I love her, and it took a long time to kick her out, it took a long time of growth, it took a long time of pain, a long time of pain for me, as her mother, because God, I loved her, and you know, I know what was her, I knew what was down her path, I've been there, I lived there, and I was trying to save her from that pain, but you know, I heard a lead one night when I was all upset and all emotional, because she was in jail that time, and I was going to get her as soon as I bummed the money from somebody to bail her out, and I heard that lead say, you know, you've got to release them with love, and never deny an alcoholic pain, he said, and I thought, my God, that's the truth, and that's
[00:50:00]
when I looked at my kid as an alcoholic and not as my daughter no longer, I thought, I can't deny her pain, I can't deny her pain, and that took many years after I came back, but I got in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I got on my knees, and I turned my will and my life over the care of God, and he understood me, because I didn't understand him, and I told him, I ain't playing no games with you, buddy, because you're the only friend I got, and I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you are, and I ain't going to con you, but people in Alcoholics Anonymous told me you loved me, and I believe people in Alcoholics Anonymous today, I believe them, that's all I had to go on, that's all I had to put a foundation, see, my education wasn't so good, and anybody that don't read the big books has got a lot of brains, and they don't do it, you're a dummy, because my head had to absorb a lot, because my reading wasn't too hot, and I had to remember a lot, you know, I didn't have the gift of God, or the gift of education I got it today, because I went back to school, and I could read the big book, and I'm happy with that today, see, I didn't have the gift of God to open that book up when I was in trouble, I had the faith of Alcoholics Anonymous to go on, and the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, I had to put my faith in it, I had to put my belief in it, you know, and as it went on, and I hurt, and she hurt, and I hurt, but I kept growing, I kept growing, and things started happening inside my heart that, and my head, that people told me, if you just keep coming back, Mary, it's going to happen, it's going to happen, and I couldn't believe it, I used to pinch myself when I made a decision with that kid, and thought, my God, I did it, but you know, she started calling from Texas, and she'd say, Mama, I've got to come home, and I said, not today, kid, not on my expenses, and she said, I am, I'm hungry, and I ain't ate for three days, and I said, that ain't my problem, and I'd hang up, and I'd cry, and I'd say, God, please hurry up, I can't cry for five or six days, but I did, I did, and when she'd walk in the door, I'd feel a little freedom, and then I took it a day at a time, because she's only been home for a week, and she'd be gone again, but I came to meetings, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I came, and I left all my problems outside that door, I used to say, I'm going to leave my problems outside here, and God, if they're still here when I leave, I'll pick them up, and you know, the funniest thing about it, they weren't there, because I started giving, I started giving them myself, there was a lot of girls coming in, and I never had time for them, because I was always too wrapped up in myself, until I started working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, they start valuing my opinion, and I thought, my God, is that nice, and I used to tell them, get on your knees and pray, and you know, they used to tell me the same thing, and I used to think, you think I'm a crazy, or what, but I wouldn't humble myself to not, not to a human being, and I didn't even know God, and you know, then about two and a half years, I started turning my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him, because I understand him today, he loves me today, and I love him.
You know, it ain't hard for me to know that he's inside my heart, because I know one thing, if I'm giving him myself, I'm getting closer to him, and I know that, I feel it, I feel inner peace at all times, and I start looking at the fact, and I quit being selfish, and I quit praying to God, God help my kid straighten out, God, if you just do this for my kid, I'll do this, you know, I start saying, God, if you never give her back to me as a daughter, please give her to herself, because I know one thing today, the only one that I can help is me.
The only one that can make me feel good is myself, and if I grow, I have to release. You know, I don't feel responsible for her problem today, and I did, I did. You know, and then the miracle happened, the miracle happened. She called me for help, and I said, you've got to call somebody else, because your mother just can't do the grade this time. You know, and she called me Wednesday, and she got seven months of uninterrupted sobriety.
Not for me, she was blessed with a God's gift, I had nothing to do with it, I'm not responsible. She was given the same thing that I was given, a gift from God, and God, I know that.
[00:55:00]
So she called me Wednesday and said, hey, Mom, good luck in West Virginia, and I'll pray for you. You know, that's the benefits of AA. I can't stand up here and tell you all the benefits, because my benefits is getting up in the morning without a head, getting on my knees and praying and feeling inner peace. That's the benefits I get in Alcoholics Anonymous. And helping another alcoholic, and sharing with my three kids and my grandson, and loving them, and loving them, and making them go to school, you know, just simple things like that, making them go to school.
I took the books to my daughters one day, and these are the benefits that I get from Alcoholics Anonymous. And she's 16 years old, and she said, came up in front of her class, and there were 30 some kids, and she hugged me and gave me a kiss and said, Mom, I love you, and I walked out and I cried, and I said, thank God, thank God, for Alcoholics Anonymous, because that was my mother, and she came when I was 16, I had a head underneath the table.
And I went to visit my son's teacher, and he wasn't afflicted with the alcohol, he was only three years old. And she said, you've got a well-adjusted son, and you can tell he comes from a happy home. And I cried, because I know where it came from, I know that it came from Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I can't never be grateful. I don't have no big, big material things, if that's what somebody wants to call benefits of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know, I'm not no smarter, just a little bit, just a little bit. But I have knowledge that Alcoholics Anonymous gave me, knowledge of inner peace, inner peace, love. You know, I look in the mirror today, and I say, you ain't too shabby, Mary. I couldn't do that before, I couldn't do that before. And I look at my kids, and I see, you know, they could play the jukebox, or the record player, and the television.
I don't like it any better. But they could do it, you know, and when they've got their opinions, they can give it to their mother, and she ain't gonna smack them in the head, because Alcoholics Anonymous taught me this. Now, anybody that wants to come up short, don't read the big book or take the 12 steps. Live a day at a time, you know. I see a lot of people going to the program, got many years in it, and I ain't putting nobody down.
You know, and they're still confused, and I say, God, can't you turn it over and live a day at a time? And sometimes I hear gossip, and the only way I can stay away from gossip is not get involved in it. And when somebody's talking to me about my fellow man that I love, that I love, they could be in the middle of a conversation, and I'd turn around and walk away, because I choose not to listen to what anybody has to say about another human being.
I choose not to listen. You know, the ones that I choose to call my tolerance testers, I just don't talk to them. I shake their hands, but I get the hell away from them. But I ain't gonna put them down. I respect them as a human being. I respect them as another alcoholic. You know, I can't be grateful enough for tonight. You know, I know it was the committee that invited me here, and I know that I'm grateful for being asked.
Not that I have so much to offer, but I also know that it's a God's gift. I also know that he said, hey Mary Jo, you just need a little shot in the arm, and I'm gonna give it to you. Thank you. I'm glad to hear you again. I want to thank you on behalf of the committee and behalf of the folks who are gathered here. I think they voiced their opinion of your discourse when they gave you a standing ovation.
And on behalf of the committee, I want you to have this little token of appreciation. I understand they're going to take up a collection, and while that is in progress, I'm going to ask Jim M. to come to the podium and read the 12th edition.