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Source: DICOBE-00229 – Debbie D – ICYPAA – 1981-07-17.mp3 File: dicobe-00229-debbie-d-icypaa-1981-07-17.mp3 Duration: 00:39:36
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To be here and to see so many people that have known me from day one, to be able to stand here sober five years later, and to see them here too, just really touches me. I know there's people here that have never seen this time of day, and I really appreciate them being here, and it's just, it is such, such an honor to be asked to speak at an international. It truly is. My first international was 77 in Houston, and I was about a year and a half sober, whatever, just excited, and just dingy, I mean, I just walked around and was wondering what was going on, and I missed half the meetings, but I loved it.
I got hooked. I got hooked on it. I know there's people here from out of town, from all over the country, and I'm so glad you're here. I'm from Manhattan, and my new home is Atlanta, and I love it down there. I'm a member of the Skyland Group in Atlanta, and I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and of all the organizations there are in this country and in this world, this is the best one. I love it, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
This has given me a purpose for living. It certainly has. It's given me a second chance. I know I'm on borrowed time, and I'm grateful that I had this opportunity. I know there's many old-timers here that mean so very, very, very much to me, and I would not be here without them, and I know that. Many of them have been sober longer than I've been alive, and I love it. I just love it. They've been so good to me, and they took me under their wing when I came back for round three.
The only requirement I have to speak here is that I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've been through hell and back, just like many of you have. The only difference is that I'm standing and you're sitting. There's no difference. I am also one drink away from another drunk, and it was like it says, we all know we have another drunk, but do we have another recovery? I've taken that chance a couple of times, and I don't know, and I don't want to find out.
I have nothing to gain and everything to lose by picking up another drink or pill. In case there's some of you here who maybe don't know or think that you're an alcoholic, maybe there's something that I can share today that will help you in making a decision either way. 1970, for me, was the year it started. That was only 11 years ago. I did not drink for 20 years. I'm only 23, so I didn't drink for 20 years, obviously.
I started drinking when I was 12 years old, and the first night is very, very clear in my mind because I drank to get drunk. There was no other reason to drink. To me, it would be a waste of time, and it was peer pressure, and it was acceptance that I needed so bad. My real parents had split up and later divorced that year, and later on, my father remarried. Now, alcohol, obviously, to me, was not a problem, but it answered a lot of questions.
It took away a lot of anxiety, and it made me feel good, and it made me feel just glamorous or whatever I wanted to be. I could accomplish that with alcohol. Obviously, as most alcoholics, the drinking increases, and it gets more consistent. Basically, it's beer, and it's hanging out with your buddies, and then the drugs come into the scene. This was when I was in South Dakota. We lived in a few different towns in South Dakota, and then we moved to a little town called Grafton, North Dakota, and for drunks, it's a paradise.
It really is. Ninety-five percent of the population are practicing alcoholics. No kidding. That's no exaggeration. I went through a hospital, and there were 18 beds in it, and over half of them were from people from that little town. So it was really a great place to drink, and when I moved there, the first people and the first kind of people I sought out were people like me.
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My father called them the wrong crowd, or I got into a bad crowd, but they were people
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like me. They were my mirror, because they drank and they used drugs the way I'd like to. And I had fun. I sure did. I had a good time out there. I was one of those kind of drunks. You wanted to be around when I was drinking. You didn't want to be around me when I was sober, because, see, that's when all the insecurities and all the hate and rage came out. See, my stepmother and I didn't exactly get along.
It was more like World War III, and we just did not see eye to eye. We really didn't. Maybe it was because I couldn't count her. Maybe it was because I couldn't manipulate her. And my father, he's a wonderful man, and he was a wonderful enabler. I was his only child and daddy's little girl, and he wanted to do everything he could for me. But he, too, realized I had a problem. When I moved to Grafton, I started really, really drinking and using drugs a lot, because now I had more freedom.
I had some wheels, and I could just do and go anywhere I wanted to go, and I did. And I had two girlfriends, and it was wonderful. You know, they say in the big book that we seek out lower companionship. I didn't have to go through that hassle. We just all went down together. We were just three birds of a feather, or whatever it is. We did flock together, that's for sure. We enjoyed each other's company much.
And neither of us said, I think you drink too much. Those people are such party poopers. You just didn't want to be around them. There was no need being around them. So we really started doing just a great deal of drinking, many, many, many nights during the week, and the weekends, of course. And I think the biggest thing was my senior year. This was really a turning point year for me. I was 17, and going into my senior year in high school, really thinking I'm a real hot dog.
You know, you're just the big shots of the school now, and all this kind of stuff. Plus, I was a pom-pom girl, and boy, did I perform, I tell you. I loved it. I had a great time. And I was the only one who ever smiled, the only one who ever smiled. I had good reason to smile. I was usually about three-fourths of the way for the night by the time performance came. But anyway, we quit the beer stuff, and we decided, let's get right down to business here.
And they hit the vodka, and I hit the whiskey, and that was our alcohol of choice. And they liked speed, and I liked acid, and to us, that was our evening. That was a good time. And it just, my attitude had changed so gradually along the way that I could not see it. But my father could. He could see it. And he would talk to me sometimes. We never talked. That was sort of an unspoken request that my father and I didn't have much communication.
And we didn't, and he'd always sneak me away, and he'd talk to me, and he'd say, are there any problems? And I used to say, yeah. And I would tell him my problems, and I would hear the lecture. Then I started getting wise, and I'd say, no, everything's fine. And I'd get the lecture anyway, but it was easier to tune out. So our family was really having problems. Here they have a budding alcoholic on their hands, and they don't know what to do with me.
They have not, neither of my father nor my stepmother had lived with a practicing alcoholic. And they just did not know what to do. My father would say to me, Deb, can't you just, you know, have a couple of drinks? Do you always have to come home so drunk? Do you always have to be bouncing off the walls? And I would say, I can handle it. I only had a couple. And, you know, I'm crawling on all fours.
I only had a couple. Most people, a couple of what is more like it. And so in my senior year, I was introduced to a lot of things. I was introduced to, what do they call them, iron bar Hilton's, jails, iron bar Hilton's. I thought that was great. I don't even know if that's the right way to say it. And the car accidents and, you know, all that junk that goes with it. You know, it's just part of the program, or it was for mine anyway.
And I know a couple of times I really did get honest with myself. One morning I woke up. I have this little trick where whenever I would get tired, I would just, see in North
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Dakota, you can pull off onto a gravel road almost anywhere. You go half a block and you're in the country and I would pull off to the side of the road and do my flashers, roll my little window down, lock the car up and pass out. And then when I'd wake up, then I'd go on my way. For one instance, I thought I had done this and I knew I couldn't get on the freeway. And the next thing I know is I'm a hundred miles in the opposite direction with five guys that I didn't know and had taken me so that the police would not give me a ticket.
The highway patrolman had stopped me, was beating on the windows to get in the car. These friends saw me, said, what's the problem? He said, she can't be sleeping on the interstate, she's got to get off. And she's so drunk, she doesn't know what's going on. And somehow I let them in, they took me away and I really got lucky many, many times. This was one of them. He said he wouldn't even give me a ticket because I wouldn't know the difference anyway.
Actually for a drunk, I had it pretty made where I lived because during that senior year, you know they have those work programs for you. And I worked for three lawyers. One of them was the city judge and I knew all the policemen. And from one to five, I would be on this side of the law and after five I'd be on this side. So whenever they would see me, they would just stop me, make sure I could, you know, they would take my booze and go have a good time themselves and let me go.
They would never give me a ticket, never bring me in. It was only when I went out of town that they would take me in because these guys knew me. In fact, I gave them a real great celebration party for New Year's Eve one year. They stopped me at eight o'clock at night and I'd been drinking all day and they took every bit of booze in my car. I was upset with them that night. New Year's Eve, I didn't like that at all.
But the thing of it was is that they were really good to me, I was very, very lucky. See, I have never had a drink of alcohol of legal age. Now, some people I've talked to come in and they're under 21 or under 18 or whatever and they feel cheated. Well, so did I. Here I am, 17, and I end up going into a hospital and my life is over. I mean, it's just over. But see, the thing of it was is that I had drank enough, I didn't waste time, and I didn't spill very much or throw much of it up.
I got right down to business, let's get down to it. I figured if I'm going to get there, I'm going to get there right now. I haven't changed much, I want what I want when I want it, so I was the same way drinking. But it really got bad. I was kicked out of school three times and they decided the third time, which was seven weeks before graduation, that they'd had enough of Debbie Figgin. They were tired of seeing me and the problems I was causing.
And so I left. It was sort of a bad scene and I didn't quite understand what was going on, but I just knew that I wasn't invited back to school. So I moved to Grand Forks and this was really opportune. I mean, now I could drink and do anything I want 24 hours a day with nobody on my case. Nobody to say, you are drinking too much, you're drunk, you slob, anything. I didn't have to worry about that. And God, for a drunk, that's wonderful.
See I was still paying consequences though, but I was still thinking the pleasure was better than the pain. I was willing to put up with whatever pain that came because, you see, at 17 I had accepted that this is the way it's going to be for the rest of my life and I didn't expect to see 30. I honest to God didn't. I figured, well, if I'm going to go, I'm going to go with having a lot of fun and drunk.
And I had really expected this. I did not expect to change. I did not know that I did not have to drink, that I had a choice, that there was a fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, that the disease is called alcoholism, not alcohol-wasm. It is still progressive. It is a current thing. It doesn't go away. So the next thing I know, I'm in Grand Forks and I come back to Grafton because I'm broke. And it's a Friday night.
I don't have any money. The window has been shot out in my car and I need a drink. And I meet my, I'm going to meet my father on the highway so that I don't have to face the stepmother of mine. Well, nothing, I mean, from the moment I left Grand Forks, nothing went right. I ran out of gas.
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my father on the highway and my stepmother was with him. I mean, this is very unusual that she's with him. And I said, can I have some money? I need some money. I'm broke. And I tried the sweet tricks, everything I could think of to get some money. Now somebody got to my father. And he says, well, I don't have any with me. You'll have to come over to the house. Somebody really got to him, I tell you. And I thought, well, you know, I really need the money and I suppose I could just sort of fly in one door and out the other and be on my way. But I hated being over there. And I said, well, all right, I'll come over.
So I went over there and, oh my God, I've never felt so trapped in my life. I walked in and it felt like I'd walked into a prison. It was like the bolts went on the doors and the bars on the windows and I knew something was coming down. I mean, you can just smell those things. And sure enough, I had more indications. My stepmother was really nice to me. That was always a dead giveaway. I always knew it. I always knew it. Dead giveaway.
So sure enough, we're sitting around the table and my father comes into the room and he says, Deb, I want you to promise me something. Now any drunk knows that they quit doing that a long time ago and so did I. And I said, no. And he said, so we go back and forth like that and he says, well, then I want you to volunteer to do something. He says, either you volunteer to go to treatment tonight or you're committed on Monday. So I voluntarily go. No, I didn't understand what he was talking about. I said, no, I'm not volunteering anything.
This is Friday night. This is my night. If I have to go somewhere, I'll go Monday. And I said, what is this thing you're talking about? And he said, it's a hospital. What do I do? Do I just go there at night? Oh, no, you live there. I can't go. I can't go. I have a job. Now, if you could call that a job, you're doing pretty good. And he said, no, you don't. We've already told him you quit. We'll pick up your check tomorrow. See, somebody really got to you. And then I said, well, I can't. I have my apartment and everything, which was already a month behind in rent, and I'd only lived there a month and a half.
And he said, no, you don't. We're moving you out tomorrow. We've already got everything taken care of. I tried everything I could think of to get out of this deal. I said, it's the weekend. He said, we don't care. And I just, I really got nervous. I really got nervous. I thought, my God, I have to live there. You know, I can't be with these low class people. You know, this, you know, and of course I had the picture of these, these old boys, you know, laying down, drinking wine, smelling stinky. And I said, I'm just too high class for that kind of stuff. I'm not like that. And I'm only 17. That was the one boy. I nailed that one hard. I was too young to be an alcoholic. And I played that song till it wore out, but they kept taking it off the, off the record. They kept telling me, no, you're not. No, you're not. So the, the real clincher though was, now see, I haven't had a drink all day long, nor the day before. Why? I don't know. I guess I didn't get around to it or didn't have any money or whatever, but I'm getting a little antsy here. And I go to my, then my stepmother says, well, you're going tonight. You can't even leave the house. Now see, that wasn't really the best thing to say to me. I just didn't quite agree with that and let them know about it. And I have never been so angry in my entire life. And the thing I was mad about is they were wrecking my Friday night. I mean, this is my night, man. I, the next thing I know after my hysterical outburst of, of anger, the next thing, there, there's a knock on the door and I go to the door and here's one of the policemen. And I knew him. I said, Jerry, what is going on here? Will you please explain this to me? He said, Deb, I don't know. I'm just doing what I'm told. I need to take, have you come with me? All right. So we, here we go again. You know, I waved to my friends and, and they waved back, of course. And so we get down to the station and I call my girlfriend and say, I got a little problem here. I can't quite make it through the night. And they asked me if I wanted to call a lawyer and God, the lights went on. There's hope. I knew three of them. They'll come and rescue me out of this thing.
So the senior partner of the firm comes down and he was the last one I expected. Mr. Burke
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is a very straight laced elderly man and very conservative, barely cracked a smile. And I didn't think he had an ounce of human compassion in his bones. And he came down there and he overwhelmed me with human compassion and kindness and love. For someone who has worked for him, who didn't really do a good job, who cheated him, he came down to be by my side. And he said, girl's working for him for a long time like that. But I was probably one of his unusual cases. And he came down to me and we went and we talked and he said some things to me that were really helpful. Helped me wake up a little bit to what's going on. And he said, Deb, I really think this is a good thing for you. Now, of course I couldn't, but I listened to him and he said, because you know, we really were concerned when you worked for us. We didn't know when you would come in or if you would come in, how long you would stay, what condition you'd be in. And I really think this is good. But he said, Deb, the best lawyer in the world couldn't get you out of this. He said, the papers are signed and you're a minor. See, they've been waiting on me for two weeks to show up. They knew all this ahead of time. And of course they left it for a little surprise party for me. The next thing I know, we're having this little hearing and the judge goes, blah, blah, blah. What do you think about this? You're going to Grand Forks. I said, judge, you really don't want to know what I think about this. But I will go. I'm tired of fighting because everybody thinks I have a problem. And that was the truth. This is exactly how I felt. I thought my life is over. Honest to God, I thought there is no hope. I cannot drink for the rest of my life was how I thought of it. And of course that isn't the way Alcoholics Anonymous is. And I figured what y'all did is you read books on the weekend, you went to church every day. And I thought, forget it. I'm just not that way. The next thing I know, here we go to Grand Forks. And we get to the hospital. And the hospital has been open like six months.
I'm their first person under legal age. And 17. And I get there and there isn't anybody there but the staff. But it was clean and it didn't smell and there weren't winos laying on the ground drinking wine. And I thought, well, maybe this isn't so bad. So then I said, where is everybody? Am I the only one here? And they said that they're at an AA meeting. Now, the only time I've heard two A's in the same word has been AAA. And I figured, well, this is why they sent me here. Shit, we've been members for years. This is why they got this deal going. Well, of course, it was Alcoholics Anonymous and they were at an outside meeting.
In fact, I know there's some people here today whose home group is the Red River Group in Grand Forks. And they just took me under their wing. Because that's the outside meeting we went to. My first day in the hospital was one of awakening. It really was. And I just want to briefly mention it. You know, we come in there into Alcoholics Anonymous and we're so foggy. I mean, we're just foggy and we don't quite know what's going on or what to do. And everybody seems like they have a million years of sobriety and they know everything.
And they probably got two days on you. But you're always the new one. And I was always the ding. You know, I just felt so dingy around them. And see, when I do something, whenever I have like a test or a review or something, I like to be prepared. Know what's going on. Know the answers. Well, the first morning in this little group session, all of us had a piece of paper and they had us write down on one side, I am and ten things and I like and ten things. So we were sort of looking at ourselves. Now, you must, you got to understand, I have just, I haven't been off the street 24 hours yet. I have no idea what is going on and I don't know the answers. So I'm honest with them. And I was pretty much different than the rest of the people. They all wrote their, we all wrote them on the board. And when I got up there, the counselor did not have the comments he did for the other people.
He looked at mine. I think the one that really threw him, though, was I am a Hitler fan. Now, I, I think that really got him. I really would have defended that man. I'm, my background is German. Now, I have a different feeling about the situation today, but that was to give you an example of what it was like. That was my frame of mind. And he just sort of looked at me and said, what kind of a world do you live in? Is it real or is it fantasy?
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And you know, for the first time I realized the only world I had ever wanted to live in was fantasy. And the only way I could acquire it was through alcohol and drugs. That was the only world I was comfortable enough in to stay alive. When I was about 13 years old, they sent me to a psychologist and he said, she's got problems. I just could not communicate. I could only use people for my personal gains. And that really got me thinking. I stayed in a four-week program seven weeks. That doesn't mean I was sicker than them by any means.
They just wanted to be sure. They decided to send me to Minneapolis. Now, see, they figured, see I had a very difficult time making women friends. I had two and they were drunks. And I feel okay saying they're drunks because all three of us are in Alcoholics Anonymous. And they, those were the two women friends I had. And they decided that it would really be a good thing for me to go to an all-women's halfway house. Now, I would not have complained had it at least been co-ed. I mean, all men would have been fine, but co-ed, I'll take it. But not all women. No. Well, the next thing I know I'm in Minneapolis. I don't know a soul. I go to this halfway house and I walk in the door and I think, my God, I'm living with a bunch of lesbians. I about died. Now, of course, this was not the case, but I had never been around that many women in my life. But they were all there doing the same thing I was doing, trying to recover from alcoholism and learn to live a different way of life.
Now, the first seven months I was only dry. I was not sober by any means. I went to maybe one meeting a month. Now, I do not recommend this for sobriety. Maybe went to a meeting a month, enjoyed the social aspect of AA, liked the guys, and that was good enough for me. I didn't read the big book. I didn't need to read that. And I had already taken steps one through five. That's all there is. I didn't know there was six through twelve. I can't read that far, apparently, and it's all over the twelve steps. And I just didn't really feel like I fit in. I didn't feel like I belonged with you and I didn't feel like I belonged back there. And I just was so in-between. Dates? Oh, God. I'd never been on a date before and not drank. There's so many things in that first year of not drinking a day at a time that you need to adjust, make those adjustments to. And some are difficult. Living situations, dating. It's just brand new stuff. Like I said, I only stayed dry. I went and to me, my slips have definitely not been slips. They've been pre-planned, definitely. I went to California.
What happened is in October of 75, this was in May of 75, I was introduced to AA. In October 75, I knew I was going to a wedding in North Dakota in February and decided I was going to drink at the wedding. Well, December came first and I drank then and I quit planning in the future from then on because I figured there's no way I never get anything right anyway. I went to California. The first week was absolutely miserable. The last week and a half was pure hell. Because what happened was when I would be drinking, it was awful for a drunk. The only thing, it was like in my mind I saw this neon sign going, AA, AA, AA. And when I was not drinking, I would see, drink, drink, drink. And it is pure war. I mean, you go through internal war thinking this and bouncing back and forth. I came back in January. I stayed dry again a month and a half and figured I've learned my lesson.
Now I up the meetings to one a week. I am really moving. And I didn't hear stuff like get a sponsor, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, read the big book. I was totally foreign to that. I was one of those cases where I put the cotton in my ears and talked instead of vice versa. And a month and a half after I returned, I think I'm really doing good. I get a letter in the mail from one of the people that I drank with in California and it had a lump in the bottom of it. And I kept saying, I hope it is, I hope it isn't. Well, it was. And it was a one joint. Now I hated that.
It was a one joint. Now, I hated pot. It was messy, it stunk, and it was just a pain in the back. And, uh, it, it, uh, honest to God, I really didn't know what to do with it. Do I get rid of it, or do I keep it? So I, my good rationale said, well, I'll keep it for when I'm in a bad spot. I'll just keep it. This will fix me right up.
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Well, the next day was a real beautiful, sunny, warm February day for Minnesota, and I decided to take advantage of it. And it, I, oh God, the mental anguish and war and battle I had in, in my mind was not worth it. I went out to a shopping center, I mean, I couldn't drive, I went to a shopping center, and when I, I couldn't tell the sales people from the normal people, and I got all frustrated. I walked out, the store had closed, it's dark.
I have a light jacket on, and I can't find my car. And so for the next hour and a half, I searched the parking lot for this little Pinto I had. And God and I had some pretty serious discussions in that parking lot. But basically, we ended up in agreement. I've had it. I cannot continue to do this. I can't. It drives me crazy. I am out of control. I cannot control what I do. I cannot say when I'm going to stop. The pain is much greater than what it's worth.
My next, that next day was February 8th, 1976, and I had been sober since then a day at a time, and I am truly grateful for that. I had a lot of people who were pulling for me. And my choice was to leave the house, the halfway house I was in, or go to a hospital. And I had, when I was in California, nobody thought I would stay sober. I think most of the house had dibs I would drink. Now, unbeknownst to me, I didn't know this, and they were right. But I made the odds better the last time. I think it was a 50-50 deal. But the 50 who supported me are still supporting me today, and that's important. Those are the people that are part of my life.
They had hope for me. They didn't give up. The next night I went to a meeting, and a friend I will be forever grateful for, Charlie, took me to coffee after the meeting, and of all the topics in the world and in AEA that he could talk about, he talked about changing sobriety dates. Had no idea of my deal yesterday, and I wasn't going to tell anybody. And this is, that's what happened. I said, yeah, Charlie, I know what it's like having a new sobriety date. I got a new one today. I started realizing it was just a day at a time. I went along real good for about six months and then wondered if there was a God. Was there really a God? Is he really out there for me? Sometimes I wondered. But I knew he was, but I could not feel him inside. I could not feel him within.
And then I heard a man named Eddie Regan who spoke at the Gopher State Roundup that year. And the thing that impressed me so much was here are 5,000 people and this man is crying in front of them. And Eddie had about 27 years at that time, and he made such an impact on me, and I know many of you know him and love him. God bless him. And we, it just, that was the first roundup. I went to hear the speaker, hear the message, not go for just the entertainment and the social part of it. And it was very important to me to listen to that man.
Time goes by, I celebrate my birthday, and I find out that there's a convention in Houston, a young people's conference. And I went to Houston, and I met so many people, and I really got involved in service. I got involved with working with others, working in the group, and really, really enjoyed it. It was very important to me because there was a void there. And I finally, after three years of sobriety, got a sponsor, which was extremely helpful to me. I don't recommend that either. I was one of those people, like many of you know or have been, where I'd, will you be my sponsor, and then I'd quit going to that group. Or I never called them anymore.
And this lady, I did call, and she's still my sponsor today, and a very important one to me. And without her, I'd have been much more of a basket case. I got a sponsor. I got involved in service work because to me, that is when I could feel AA as a whole, recovery, unity, and service. Being in service and working in the fellowship gave me that purpose to live. I knew I am not here by accident. I am here for a reason and for a purpose. I knew that. When I was about three and a half, no, about four, four and a half years sober, whatever, I was getting ready to go out to California for a conference.
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And one of the, this was in April of 79, yeah. And those old timers, if you don't have one, get one. They are so important. If you are just hanging around people of your own age or people at meetings of your own age, you are missing a lot. I can tell you right now. Because it was the old timers who, that third time around, put their arm around me and said, this is, when I asked them, what did you do to stay sober? How do I do it? They said, we read the big book and we go to meetings. We work the 12 steps continuously and we work with that new member. Simple as that.
They loved me. They did not do it for me, but they gave me the love and the guidance and the direction I needed. And if you don't have an old timer, get one, because you are missing on a treat. You really are. It was these old timers who kept me going and got me involved. And in April of 79, two very special people to me passed away. One was sort of a, we knew he was passing away and he died in April, Freddy. And two weeks later, very suddenly, Eddie Regan died.
This was the one that really jolted me the most and taught me a very, very valuable lesson. Eddie always told me to reach for those impassable dreams. Go for that impassable dream. Keep reaching for the stars. And I have, and I am today, continuing to reach for the stars because AA has told me, I don't have any limitations. And I don't have any fear unless I want it. And I will fight for my limitations if I want to have them, but I don't.
There are many, many things I want to do in my life, and I'm not going to let the fear that used to hold me back stop me anymore. When Eddie passed away, the most valuable lesson I learned was to live one day at a time. Because, see, I had always thought, I know there'll be tomorrow. Today, I'm not so sure. I used to waste those days waiting for tomorrow, and I don't want empty yesterdays. I learned that I am not afraid to die. It was a topic that I would never talk about before. I wouldn't even discuss it with you. But today, because I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid to live either.
I went for the gusto in drinking, and I'm going for the gusto in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm not going to settle for any less. It's there. It's there if we want it. All we got to do is ask for it. And I do ask for it. And I get what I need and what I want. I realized that to me a successful day is when I can go to bed at night and realize I have done everything I can do, and then if my number is called, I'm ready to go. And I had never had that before, and it just gives me little goosebumps to think that I just love it. I love living. There's nothing better.
I'm tired of committing slow suicide. I'm tired of it. It's a waste of time, and it's boring. It gets boring after a while. Today, sponsorship, involvement in service, working with others is very important. Regular attendance at meetings, re-reading and re-reading this big book, and working the steps on a continuous basis. To me, my program, I like to work all 12 on a continuous basis. I love step meetings. I love conferences. In fact, anybody who wants to come to Atlanta next month, we're having a conference at the end of the month. Just thought I'd throw that in real quick there. It'll be a great one, too.
I love it. I love life. I would trade nothing for it. I've met so many people and gotten so much love from you all that it gives me great pleasure to be from here and to be able to come back and share something so very special to me and to be with so many people I love. And like Chuck said, if anybody hasn't told you they love you today, I love you. Thank you, everybody.