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Source: DICOBE-00228 – Dick M – ANNANDALE VIRGINIA GROUP – 1981-01-31.mp3 File: dicobe-00228-dick-m-annandale-virginia-group-1981-01-31.mp3 Duration: 01:12:45
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Hello, today is Saturday, January the 31st, 1981, and my name is Earl Chess, and I'm an alcoholic, and I invite you to listen to an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at the Annandale Group, and that's in Annandale, Virginia. It's also an anniversary for Ralph S. It's Ralph's fifth anniversary in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I congratulate you, Ralph, and I wish you many, many more real good years of real sobriety.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Annandale Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Buck Doyle, and I'm an alcoholic. How are you all? To start this meeting, and this is an anniversary event, which is a very important event as far as I'm concerned in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I really believe in celebrating anniversaries, and the anniversary here tonight that we're celebrating, and to the new person, I'd like to advise you that this is in no sense a person bragging about, look at me, look what I've done, because we know that have been around AA that without you, the people in AA, we couldn't stay sober, and so if there's any bragging going on at this celebration, we're bragging about you, the people in AA, and what you have accomplished for us in our lives, and have answered the age-old problem for us of how to live without drinking.
So we're celebrating tonight the anniversary of a very dear friend of mine who I had the privilege of seeing come to this program, and he's going to be speaking in a minute, but at this time, I think you'd like to join me in congratulating Ralph, our secretary, on his fifth anniversary. Ralph, stand up there, buddy. I know how grateful Ralph has always been to everybody in AA because of the amount of work he does here in the group, and he doesn't even have to tell me he's grateful, I know he is, because of the amount, and of course, I think we all show our gratitude to AA by being here tonight.
Now alcohol, for the new person, and that's the person that I speak to whenever I have the privilege of being in AA, and that's why I was explaining about these anniversaries, but what AA is has been laid out for us in a simple statement, which Pete Ann there from Manassas claims I just recite to show off my great memory, but actually I know about this statement because I have referred to it so many times over the years.
I suggest that if there's anything after this meeting or at any meetings that bothers you, to pick up a piece of AA literature and look inside. On the cover, you'll find a statement that says, Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We're self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution. It does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety, and I think a celebration of an anniversary with the person themselves.
A lot of people don't want to celebrate, and that's fine, too. You don't do anything in AA unless you feel that it's going to be something that will help you, and then, of course, we feel that if it helps us, it's going to help other people. But my good friend Ralph here is going to be the first speaker, and he's going to come up and share with you his experience, strength, and hope, and I'm not going to take up any more of his time because I'm going to go back and handle a coffee for a few minutes, but I'll give you my good friend Ralph.
Ralph, come on up here. Congratulations to you, Ralph, old buddy. Good to see you. Thank you, Buck. I'm Ralph Spencer, and I'm an alcoholic. As Buck says, I am very grateful. I'm one of those stubborn alcoholics. There aren't too many of them, are there? But I was so stubborn that it took me 30 years to get here, and I don't know, sometimes if we turn that stubbornness into the right direction, maybe it pays off.
[00:05:09]
My drinking career is not nearly as illustrious or as colorful as some of our more prominent members. Nevertheless, it has been just as painful. I, by all accepted notions in society, shouldn't have been an alcoholic. I was raised a good Mormon out west in a rough mining town, and the Church pretty well runs things out in Utah, still does. So I don't believe I even tasted liquor until maybe I had a…
I think there was one time in high school when there was a gang after a dance, and they had a jug of Apple Jack, and I think I had one swallow that. But I felt condemned because my background was that anybody who drinks alcohol is sinning. That stuck with me for quite a while. When I went to college, I had to work. That was during the Depression. In those days you could get a job and work afternoons and evenings, and go to college and get a degree if you were persevering enough.
So I didn't have time to socialize, and I didn't do any drinking. I was 26 years old, I guess, before I ever really started to drink. But I made up for it with a vengeance over the next 30 years in a very gradual way. At first, I got involved after the service. Well, even in the service I didn't drink, and of course that was a marvelous opportunity. However, after the war I stayed in the Reserve for about eight years and got very well acquainted with officers' clubs overseas and throughout this country, and I made up for my service time in drinking in the Reserve.
But during my actual overseas duty, I didn't drink much of beer occasionally, but that didn't amount to much. When I came home, I came back to Salt Lake and had an opportunity to teach for three years at the University of Utah. During that time, I got mixed up with some local politicians. Politicians run the gamut just like we people in AA do. And there, it seemed like the morality question wasn't as severe.
And every social occasion that we had, the liquor flowed pretty freely. And I was considerably surprised and relieved to learn, after I'd had a few drinks, that my life didn't fall apart and I wasn't getting in any trouble. And all these horrendous things of burning in hell hadn't happened, and so I thought, well, this is great, I like this. I don't know of any reason that I drank. I didn't feel shy.
I always managed to get along with people pretty well as far as I was concerned, but I started to drink and it was just wonderful. I enjoyed it. I'm like a lot of alcoholics. I had a lot of good times drinking. And it is very relaxing. And certainly, if you go into a group before the bars open, and you open the bar, and it certainly breaks down the bars and the conversation really begins to take place.
But, as I say, I got mixed up in some local politics and I was working with a group for a former senator from Utah. Unfortunately, he lost the election and I resigned my teaching position, so we decided we'd come back to the Washington area. That was 30 years ago. And I remember at the time when we were packing up and coming back here, I'd had this brief encounter with liquor, and I guess they'll have liquor back in Washington.
And sure enough, they did.
[00:10:03]
And after sweating out a few personnel freezes and actions back here, I finally was able to get on with the Department of Agriculture. And I was very fortunate. I had a very interesting job. It involved a lot of foreign travel. It involved working with the export trade of many of our commodities. And drinking sort of seemed to fit into that job. If you had an overseas trip, and it wasn't just for you the person, but if you had an overseas trip, the Embassy Agricultural Attaché would meet you and there would be meetings and there would be embassy socials.
And it's a rough life. That was before Tehran. They really roll out the red carpet for you. And not only that, but the people you work with here in the States have luncheons. And I never did consider it a conflict of interest if somebody asked me to lunch. I remember one of the former officials in the government said, if you can eat or drink it in 24 hours, it's okay. And so my conscience never bothered me much about that.
And of course, for quite a while, I didn't feel any ill effects of drinking. I just felt that it was a socially accepted thing to do. And after all, most people in Washington than I knew did drink. And this was all right. I had a boss who liked to go out for lunches. The trouble with me is that this occasional one martini lunch gradually became a three martini lunch frequently and then every day. And it wasn't so much the luncheons, but to those of us who have this physical and psychological makeup where we become addicted to alcohol over a period of time.
And with me it was a long period of time, although I'm sure I got here ten years too late. And every time I have an anniversary, I'm fortunate to have an anniversary, I push that time that's late that I got here back a little further. But there were a lot of years when I drank without any difficulty. But gradually, because of the progressive nature of this very serious illness, my drinking became not only for luncheons and the highball every evening, but weekends you didn't have to go to the office.
And so at twelve o'clock at noon on Saturday, particularly if you were working around the yard or you were putting on a new addition on the porch or building a room in the basement or something like that, that was the time to really break open the spirits. And I've heard people say that alcoholics don't really like the taste of liquor, it's just the effect that it gives. Well, I want to correct that as far as I'm concerned.
I like the taste of gin and bourbon and whiskey and beer and wine and anything that had alcohol in it. So it wasn't hard for me to get used to. I didn't have a lot of trouble. I didn't get in trouble in my job. I know the last several years of my drinking that I could have done a better job and some of those promotions that I thought I should get, I think maybe I'd have stood a better chance if I hadn't been drinking.
But nobody jumped me on it. I did later on start to get some physical debilitation. I got a swollen liver. When I was overseas in the service, I did a lot of jeep riding. I wasn't a war hero, but I did a lot of jeep riding. I flew in a lot of bucket seats, C-47s and 46s, and I got a slipped disc. And that thing would bother me. One time, this was about four or five years before I got sober, I was going out of the hall after work.
The hall after work and my leg started to limp and I couldn't lift my front foot up
[00:15:04]
and I I thought well that's just that slipped disc and it wasn't long after that that I was going to a doctor to have a checkup and I had to explain to him that I thought maybe I'd been drinking too much I didn't tell him I was an alcoholic he says no you can't be you can't be an alcoholic and well you better check a few things out and so they gave me some x-rays and this wasn't a slipped disc I've still got that but this was some of the deterioration the brain cells at the base of my my brain back here you know the alcohol eventually will get to your brain and even though they say we have about five billion brain cells if we keep on drinking it'll eventually get all of fortunately this was just the beginning on this stage and that caused me to do some thinking and of course my good wife was getting pretty unmanageable even though I wasn't in trouble at work things were starting to get a little little harried around the home. To make a long story short I finally found AA or rather my wife went to Al-Anon and through Al-Anon she met Buck and Buck called on me one night and he'd called a time or two before and I was busy working on the income tax I remember and I told him well I can't do it tonight but I can do it another night and so so he came over and I thought that was mighty nice this fine gentleman to come over and take his time and talk to me and but I wasn't I wasn't ready yet and I kept getting sicker and I went to hospital two or three times I went to Melwood even for a month and I realized when I went to Melbourne that yes I had a drinking problem but I came out of there even after being exposed to my first AA meeting or two I still wasn't convinced that I was an alcoholic and I'd never been picked up I'd never had any DWIs but one one evening after I'd been drinking all day Saturday and had gone over to get a gallon of milk so that the family would have something for breakfast in the morning and I got just about home and driving very slowly and the red light came on and they clapped the handcuffs on me and asked me if I would go peacefully and I said I'd rather not and with that I was off and and I'm sure glad they built that new jail out here in Fairfax I voted for that bond issue because the one that I saw that night wasn't wasn't very nice and that shook the hell out of me I finally called Buck and I said Buck I need help I I still didn't want to stop drinking and I got introduced to AA that was nearly six years ago and I went every night for the first six weeks I took that treatment and finally decided I was an alcoholic but I still did not have this program I think it takes time to get the essence of the program just and and to get sober just as it takes time for most of us to become alcoholic I think we're born with the with the capacity to become an alcoholic but I think for most of us it takes quite a while of drinking a lot of active participation before we actually pass that line and where that was in my life I can't tell it doesn't matter eight months after I'd been into the program I had been on a very interesting trip down in South America and toward the last we were into the Santa Domingo and a very fancy hotel where they had a swimming pool out in back and there was a bar right by that swimming pool where I'd come out to take a swim and I drank for a few days that week but I didn't really get drunk and it didn't feel the same it didn't give me the same satisfaction that I'd had before and I kept remembering what Buck had said that maybe AA won't stop your drinking right away but it sure as hell will ruin it and it sure did mine and when I got back home I was attending not only this meeting but several closed discussion
[00:20:06]
meetings and people were saying oh you made it all right because I told them I hate these trips and I hate airplanes airplanes are awful when you when they just shove the booze at you all the time of course they don't shove it down your throat I've learned since then but it's it's there we alcoholics have to learn to live without alcohol in a booze oriented society and we have to learn how to live comfortably I've since done that since since that one time I have lost the compulsion to drink when I first came in I couldn't see how one could live life for the rest of your life without booze to me that would had become so important and as I look upon things now seeing people and I've had the opportunity to to work with with some younger people coming in when booze become begins to become important even before the the addiction that's that's the danger sign it isn't so much how much a person drinks all the time but when when your life starts to revolve around around alcohol and looking back I remember the bottles that I hid the vodka I put in my morning orange juice so I thought my wife wouldn't notice it and and the the constant difficulty of maintaining a supply in your your your home without seeming to be bringing liquor in all the time and then it was always it was always important to me to appear like I'd never been drinking and I think most of us alcoholics for a long while can drink an awful lot and and and not be falling down drunk I don't I don't think that that the average alcoholic early is a falling down drunk I think they they operate and as most of you may may know in the later stages of the practicing alcoholics life alcohol becomes a necessity just like food just like like air you have to have it to function and so when when I began to realize some of these things it it began to come home now I firmly believe that the secret of getting sober is in this fellowship there may be other people who have gotten sober without a I believe there are but I think I think it's only two or three percent of the hundred and in fact I've known one or two who have been alcoholic and have gotten sober I know I couldn't have gotten sober without you people and without this marvelous program and I did not really begin to feel sober until I had said honestly to myself and to others I surrender I cannot drink alcohol safely and as the years of my few years that I now have have passed I have learned to realize that sobriety is the greatest thing in my life and in the second and third year it just got better all the time this this promise of things will get better is is true and I lost a lot of my fears and I found a new sense of security and a better feeling of self-respect and an opportunity to grow and the quality of our life became much better but I found in in this year that there's another important reason for being sober and maybe the greatest reason of all we have a daughter who is one of those who has grave has had a grave emotional and mental disorder I think she's also inherited from her father the complication of alcoholism and while she has been in and out of hospitals mental hospitals over a period of 22 years and has been fine at times and when I was drinking I would would drink with her and this tore my wife's heart out she finally was correctly
[00:25:09]
diagnosed after about 16 years of shuffling treatment and I'm afraid while I have a great deal for professional people I don't have much respect for most psychiatrists and particularly for those of us who come to AA the best therapy in the world is found here in AA I found the therapy in AA to be effective but our daughter unfortunately had to have a mastectomy about two years ago she went through 18 months of chemotherapy and she had been off the liquor for a couple of years but for some reason or other did not seem to accept honest criticism and in group discussion meetings and and somehow and there's this is a dichotomy too many of us at times have felt very little self-confidence confidence we feel very low and at the same time we feel superior we feel that we know it all we feel very stubborn we're not going to take directions from other people and it's true that our daughter had been subject to to some rather severe blows in life but unfortunately a few months ago she went back to drinking she left off her lithium and she became very angry very hostile very resentful both her mother and myself and unfortunately yesterday we had to take the steps of a legal commitment to the Northern Virginia Mental Health Institute so the last several weeks we've been through a rather trying time now I'm not telling you this to ask for your sympathy but I am telling you this to to testify that never in my life have I felt more grateful that I was sober that this time I could help my wife and this time we could handle and cope with the situation we we didn't have everything going to pot and I believe that we get strength through sobriety I think that we get strength through surrender I think that if we don't have some pain if we don't have some anxiety if we don't have some suffering and are able to survive that we can never understand what life is about and we can never fully live life but if we can survive the pain and the anxiety then we're stronger and it may not be in this case that things got better but maybe I got better and it was such a good feeling even though we were going through a lot of turmoil and a lot of sadness and even though things were going badly you might say to know that I was sober and I had no desire to take a drink I did not feel that oh to hell with it I'm going to go out and get drunk myself I felt better and than I'd ever felt in in my life as far as my being able to cope with with a very serious situation and I believe that that applies in many situations I've seen other people in the fellowship who who've gone through job difficulties and people who have suffered financial reverses and and and they say well look I'm sober I've been sober for a while how come all this is happening AA doesn't promise us that if we get sober all our problems will be solved but it does promise that us that we will get our self-respect back we will get our capabilities back we will see life in in in a new a completely new sense and and we'll be much stronger for it and this too shall pass again I can't express my gratitude enough I think that the the idea that Bill and Dr. Bob had one alcoholic sharing his strength and hope and experience with another alcoholic is therapeutic we are all of different backgrounds we are all of different educational levels
[00:30:01]
we are all one when it comes to this very serious and very wrenching illness, which if we are able to survive and become sober, then we have something that nobody else has, and we have an inner strength and an appreciation for life which no one can ever take away from us. I'm very grateful and I thank you all. Thank you, Ralph. Very great talk. And Ralph's also our secretary, so while you're up here, I'll let you to the secretary's work.
Thank you, Buck. We have no dues or fees, but we do have expenses, so I'll get the best. He's here with the tapes tonight, and he's got a lot of good tapes. He taped this meeting, I'm going to get one, and those of you who want to get a tape of some other meeting or someone else, see him after the meeting. Buck through 42 years with me. Ann, would you still stand, please? And Ann was real tenacious, boy, when she caught me coming from Al-Anon, man, she wouldn't let me off the hook until I called that bird.
And like so many of us, we do owe a great debt to our wives and husbands who have had a lot to do with getting us, guiding us in here. You know, Ralph got me thinking so much about, you know, telling about the things that do happen, and that's part of life, and AA can't prevent them, but it sure takes some of the sharp edges off of the blows that we're all going to get whether we're sober every day in our life, but we're going to get them, even people that didn't drink are going to get them, just by living.
But, you know, we've all been really immersed in this hostage thing, and boy, I'll tell you, I think the people in AA must have a lot of empathy for the feelings that those people and their families had. You know, Mike, big Mike here, says that unless you find a little bit more of what you're seeking, and I think we're all seeking freedom, we didn't know it, in AA, a little bit more enjoyment or joy out of life by being in AA.
Just a fraction that you hope to get out of a bottle, sooner or later you're going to return to that bottle, and the beautiful thing about AA is that it provides that, but if you're drinking, you'll never really know. If you're nipping around, and I'm talking to a new person or a person who's been around, if you're nipping around or if you're fooling with mood-changing drugs, we can tell you all the beauties of what lies ahead in this other world of AA for you that you haven't experienced, but it'll just be a lot of talk as far as it goes.
You have to stop drinking to get this liberation, to get this freedom, to really realize how hostage we were to the bottle. I didn't know it. I thought it was still okay, that it was still going on, but a long time ago, I'd lost my freedom and the joy or the fun or whatever I was getting out of the bottle was gone, and I didn't know there was another way until you people showed me and, in effect, liberated.
And we've been experiencing this euphoria that's been going on for the rest of the country, but at least we've been experiencing that euphoria here and seeing that new person get sober. I know exactly how they feel, seeing those people come back, and I felt the same way, but there's such a great parallel in my mind between that and what we've had the privilege of experiencing for years. Every Saturday out here or any other group I go to, it's a great experience to see somebody getting well, to see a guy like Ralph really going forward and his family, his wife being such a happy person compared to what it was five years ago.
That's enough for me. Now, this next speaker is an old-time member of this group. He and his wife started the Fox Hall group, and then about six years ago, he was transferred out to Omaha. That's in Nebraska, United States. Boy, they didn't have AA like they have it around here because we have the best, and they immediately started, and he and his wife are real active in the Omaha-Bellevue area out there.
And they have started one group, and they call it Fox Hall West. So this is a real active member of AA and one of my dearest friends, as so many of you are. Come on up here, old buddy Dick. Welcome to your old group.
[00:35:04]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dick M., and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Back where I come from, when you announce your name and it's time for them to say hi, they say hi so loudly that you can feel it. I mean, really, you can feel it. And it makes you feel good because it makes you aware that there are people out there. So I'm going to start all over again. I'm going to say good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Dick M., and I'm an alcoholic. That's the way they do it. Now you got the idea. You know, that kind of wakes the speaker up. It puts him on his tippy toes. He's not sinking back there with his knees locked anymore. And that kind of helps. It really does. It makes you feel like you're welcome. And you know, when someone just very softly says, hi, Dick, I think to myself, well, isn't that too bad?
You know, maybe they just don't really mean it, is what I'm saying. You know, AA is kind of funny. Buck said the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. And that's true. And oftentimes I've heard Buck say that, you know, it's a strange organization because it only has one requirement for membership. Most other organizations have many. And I agree with that. But you know, it also has, there's one requirement for getting well, and that's stopping drinking.
And a lot of members forget about that. So there is another requirement in there somewhere. Somewhere along the line, you've got to stop drinking, too. Now, I didn't come into AA because I wanted to stop drinking. I came into AA because I wanted to stop hurting. And I'm not going to give you a long drunkologue because, frankly, I don't feel like it. And as long as I'm speaking, I say what I want to say, not what you want to hear.
Now, how's that? And I hope I say some things that you don't want to hear. I think that that's one of the prerogatives of a speaker. And I also believe that it's one of the duties of a member of Alcoholics Anonymous to say some things that people don't want to hear. Because, you know, AA is not a smorgasbord. You don't come to AA and take what you want and leave the rest. That's not true. A lot of people have said that and they can say that, but that's not my opinion.
My opinion is that you come to AA and you take what you want and you take it home and it's just kind of like a warm teddy bear and you kind of love it to death. And you really enjoy that part of it for the moment, for what it gives you. But the other things that you hear that you don't like, that you don't want to hear, what you better do is you better stick those right up here in your brain and keep them on here because that's what you need to hear.
Those are the words you need to hear. That's the way it's been for me. There are many things that I've heard in AA that I didn't want to hear by any means at all. But those were the things that were the most valuable for me. Those were the things that were most valuable for me. If you're new here tonight and you don't have a sponsor, I want to suggest to you, you get a sponsor. Now, I want to suggest that for a couple of reasons.
First of all, where I go to AA, there are not many people who have been sober longer than I have. And I am lonely for the people who have been sober longer than I have because I need to know where I'm going next. I need that guidance. I need that help. And I really need that. And I really am lonely. Now, if you've been sober for a short period of time, there's a whole room full of people who've been sober longer than you have.
And that's super. If you're new, there's a whole room full of people. Now, if you've been around five or six years and you're getting ready to fade off, as 60 to 70 percent of the membership does between six and ten years, bear in mind that there are new people coming in all the time who really need your help. Maybe you've never had an opportunity to sponsor up to that time. But you better stick around because there's somebody new coming in who's really going to need your help.
And you better stay sober and you better stay here in AA and you better go to the meetings because that new guy really needs to hear what you have to say because he needs your help. He needs your love. He needs your care. He needs your concern. And I'm very concerned about those groups of people. I'm concerned about the people who came to AA before me. Because I want them to stick around so I can find out where the heck I'm going from here.
[00:40:02]
And I'm also very concerned about those people who came after me because they're the lifeblood of this fellowship. They give me the excitement. They give me the knowledge of myself. They remind me of where I was. They remind me of those character defects that we so often speak of that seem to be dulled in me predominantly today. And they remind me that they're really not dull, but they're there and they're active and they're ready.
And all I have to do is to let down the barrier for a moment and they're going to come back again in full force and just be like they were before. And I need new people to remind me of that. And I need new people to really make me hone my program and to make me work my program on a daily basis so that I don't forget to come to AA. I need to sponsor people. And as a sponsor, therefore, I need the responsibility to follow through and to go to meetings myself.
Because AA is a program of attraction. And it's required in my mind that a sponsor be active in AA, not to be someone who goes to one or two meetings a week. I don't think that makes any sense. One of the reasons why I have a hard time with finding someone out where I live to sponsor me is that I can't find anybody who's been sober longer than I have who is anywhere near as active in AA as I am. And I honestly can't relate to them.
My problems are not the same as their problems. You know, maybe they're going to one meeting a month or maybe they're going to a meeting a week. They're going to a meeting a week or whatever it happens to be. And they're staying sober. And that's wonderful. And I meet them on the street occasionally. And they say, Dick, how are you doing? Great, great. I say, why don't you come to AA meetings? We miss you.
We need you. Well, I have a great deal of gratitude for AA because it really got me sober. And they'll reach in their pocket and they'll pull off a bill. And they'll say, put this in the basket when you go to the meeting. And I'll say, no, you son of a bitch. You put it in there yourself or it isn't going to get there. And I'll tell you why. I believe that a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, if he has gratitude, doesn't talk about gratitude and doesn't stand and say, I maintain an attitude of gratitude.
Because that's a mental attitude, okay? And I don't believe that gratitude can be shown mentally. I don't believe that gratitude can be shown by words. I believe that gratitude is like the rest of the AA program. It's shown by action. Now, when I say by action, my activity in AA and my living in the program on a daily basis is what allows me to be comfortable with myself. And the byproduct of that is that I'm comfortable with other people around me.
And I'm able to maintain a job. And I'm able to maintain a good living. And I'm able to maintain firm and fast friends. You know, I meet people in AA whom I've only met for a brief period of time, maybe an hour here, two hours there, five hours here, or whatever it happens to be. And some of these have been the fastest and the longest and the most valued friendships that I've ever had in my life. And I mean, these people are like brothers to me or like sisters to me.
They are closer to me than my own blood. And that's the truth. They are closer to me than my own blood. You know, I think an illustration of that would be that I called Buck a couple of weeks ago and said I was going to New York and I was going to stop by through here and that I wanted to come and see him and so on and so forth. And he said, great. You know, really looking forward to it. And I'm camping over there in his house with his two dogs and his three cats and his lovely wife, Dolly, who puts up with Buck and the two dogs and the three cats in some fashion.
I'm not sure how. But I neglected to call my sister who lives here. And so I've tried to call her two or three times today and I haven't been able to reach her. And I came back to Buck's house after visiting some friends and Dolly said, well, did you get a hold of your sister? And I said, well, no, I didn't. And I said, that's too damn bad. You know, I've called her three times. Christ was denied three times on the cross.
That's the best shot I can give her. But the people that I talked to and said that I was coming to town are members of Alcoholics Anonymous who are really closer to me than my own sister. And that's the truth. And that's the truth. And I don't mean anything against my sister. I just mean that the people in AA are more important to me than my sister. My sobriety is more important to me than my sister.
[00:45:07]
I have a son who's twelve and a half years old, who is an absolute delight. And I mean that. He's a good boy. He's a bright boy. He does well in school. You know, he's a great son. And I really love him. And I probably love him more for himself than any other male that I know. Any other male that I know. But you know, I love the members of Alcoholics Anonymous more. I really love the members of Alcoholics Anonymous more because without them, I can't stay sober and enjoy the relationship I have with my son. I have a wife who will, on February the fourth, celebrate her seventeenth year in AA sober. And I love Peggy more than I love any woman in the world. There's no question about that. I was very fortunate, Ralph. I was one of those individuals who managed to spring out in life and get another wife after I came into AA. Now, some of us have wanted to retain our first wives and have delightfully done so. And I'm pleased and proud for you. But if I had managed to get back with my first wife, I don't know what in the hell would ever happen to me. And so I was talking to Buck about that today. I can remember after I've been sober four or five months and I went to make amends to her. And I asked, I told her, you know, I think we ought to think about getting back together again. And she didn't say anything.
She kind of skipped over the whole thing and went on to, well, the restaurant is nice today, isn't it? Or something like that, you know. And you know what? Just as soon as those words came out of my mouth, there's something, there's another phrase that came into my head. And I said, oh my God, what am I going to do? She says yes. Because I was scared to death. I really didn't, I really didn't want that. But I came to AA and I stayed sober in AA and I was active in AA. I placed myself in the environment for recovery, which is Alcoholics Anonymous, and I met someone else. And I married her. And we have maintained a good, firm, strong relationship for fourteen and a half years. It's the longest relationship I ever had with any woman in my life. Had a lot of them for fourteen and a half minutes, but you know, fourteen and a half years, that's a long time for me. Forty-two years is a hell of a lot longer. And it really is. I don't know how you stood it that long. Ralph's a nice man, but you know, forty-two years? But the reason why we have had the relationship that we have had, the reason why we have been able to maintain the relationship that we have had, is one thing that's very simple. I had been sober for nine, correction, eleven months. And Peggy and I were thinking about getting married. We were talking about getting married. We had first dated on June the 6th in 1966. And we were talking about getting married on August the 5th or something like that of 1966. And I said, well, you know, this getting married bit is okay, Peggy, but I've got to call Buck and ask him if I can. And she said, well, yes, I understand that. Well, the deal was one thing that was very simple that I made with Buck.
And that is, whenever I have an important decision to make in my life, which is going to affect me in a drastic way, change my way of living, my simple economic standing, my standing in any way, then I've got to talk to my sponsor first to make sure that I make the right decision. Now, why would a person want to do that? You know, I'm obviously not exactly dumb. I'm not brilliant either. But why would I have to do that? Well, Buck told me, he said, Dick, he says you've been making emotional decisions based on alcohol all of your life, all of your drinking life. And that was 19 years. I started when I was 14 and I came into AA when I was 33. And he said your emotions are going to crowd and cloud your intellectual ability to make a decision. So bounce it off of somebody else. Well, I've got news for you. My emotions still crowd my intellect and make me do and act in a manner that sometimes I regret. So consequently, when it's an important thing, I still bounce it off of somebody. Invariably, I bounce it off of somebody. I came into AA on
[00:50:02]
September the 15th, 1965. I haven't had a drink or a mood-changing pill or funny little cigarettes with no names on them or any of that stuff since then. You know, I've been pure and clean as the driven snow as far as any chemicals in my body aside from aspirin. And that's good. It's been good for me. It's set me up well so that I can stay sober, consequently. I did not activate the allergy in my body to the chemical alcohol by putting booze in it. Now I have the allergy to alcohol, which I can activate by putting alcohol in my system. Now if I put something else in my system, some of these other mood-changing, mood-altering drugs, what they do is they allow me to forget that it's important not to drink. And then what happens is that I drink.
Because my very nature as an alcoholic is to drink. It's a natural thing for me to drink. It's natural for an alcoholic to drink. It's natural for a non-alcoholic not to drink to excess. But it's natural for an alcoholic to drink to excess. And I know that. But if I don't put any alcohol in my system, it doesn't activate the allergy and nothing happens. Nothing happens with the allergy. However, you know, I am not just simply allergic to the chemical alcohol.
I have a disease called alcoholism. It's not called alcohol. And all of the time that I was drinking, I drank essentially for the effect. That's what our big book says. Men and women drink essentially for the same reason, for the effect. And I drank essentially for the effect. Because, you know, as a youngster, I never felt particularly good. I never felt very, I felt inferior mentally, socially, and physically. I never really even physically felt good.
But when I drank the first time, I physically felt good, I spiritually felt good, and I mentally felt good. It combined something in me that made me feel like I've been wanting to feel all of my life. And it really did. And it worked. Drinking alcohol allowed me to see the world through a different view. It made me feel good about you, about the other people in the world, and it also made me feel good about me.
But it did when I crossed that magic line, that invisible line into alcoholic drinking. It went away. It went the other direction. And it caused me again to become inferior and superior at the same time. It caused me again to be a coward and a bully at the same time. It caused me to have all of those dichotomies that we talked about earlier at the same time. And that was vicious. Because I didn't know. You know, on one hand, I can remember growing up, there seemed to be all kinds of people, but they were in kind of two different groups as far as I was concerned.
There seemed to be the church lady types, you know, the real good, nice people whom everyone in the community admired, and they seemed to be doing well, and they were happy, and, you know, they were the goody goodies. And I could, because I had the mind of a gentleman, associate with them for a period of time. But unfortunately, at the same time, I had the attitude of a bum. And so I couldn't last very long with that. And so then what I would do is I would go and associate with these other people, the bad people. You know, they were the goods of the bads. And so I'd go and associate with the bad people. And with the mind of a gentleman being subjugated, I could act like a bum, my attitude of a bum, and I could get along with them fine. But this mind of a gentleman would occasionally come back and I would say, well, you know, I'm not them either. And I was nowhere. And that's where I was, was nowhere.
When I came into AA, I was in that condition. I was neither good, nor bad, nor right, nor wrong, nor anything. I was really nothing is what I was. I've heard it described like a peeled onion, you know, or a cipher, or a zero. I felt without. I felt without anything.
[00:55:07]
I didn't ever know whether to say yes, no, maybe, perhaps. I didn't know what to say. I was terribly confused. I didn't know whether to, you know, I didn't know whether to make a decision and say yes to something to make you feel good, yes to something to make me feel good, or no. I didn't know what to do. And I was just in a terrible confusion. And I came into AA, and it was suggested to me that obviously I had done a bad job managing my life. And I had done a very poor job. I'd been arrested over 26 times. I was divorced. I was financially bankrupt.
I was living with my widowed mother. You know, all of those things. I had all of the lacks that we come into AA with. And it seemed at the time to be a terrible, bad thing that I had all of those things gone. All of those material, spiritual, and mental things gone. I'd spent thousands of dollars in psychiatry. All of those things. Just like everybody else who comes into AA. I came in here with more problems than I had, and no solutions. And it was suggested to me that I needed a new manager in my life, and that I let AA manage my life. And I thought that that was the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of in my life. Buck said, you need a new manager. Why don't you let AA manage your life? And I didn't say this, because he seemed to be well-meaning. But I thought to myself, you know, obviously this guy's a fanatic. And he's obviously, you know, a little bit strange. But I'll go along until I figure out what he's trying to say. And what he really meant was, why don't you turn your life and your will over the care of Buck Doyle as you understand him? And I found that out.
And that was simple for me to do, because I couldn't turn my life and my will over to anything or anybody else. And that was for sure. I wasn't going to turn it over to God, because I knew that the God that I knew was going to get me. You know, I had been raised with a God of fear, and I knew that if I turned my life and my will over the care of that God, I knew he was going to zap me and that would be the end of that. Now I'm not very smart, but I'm not that dumb. And so I said, well, I'll turn it over to him. You know, I could think of worse things to do. And by the way, I could think of worse things to do today. Much worse.
And what he became was a translator for me. He talked about AA, and he explained to me what was going on. Explained to me at that time, you know, when we go in and they pass the basket, he said, you know, you're supposed to put some money in the basket. And I saw the basket going by tonight, and you could pass it again, Ralph, there were some people who missed. I don't know whether, maybe they were getting some coffee. But he said, you're supposed to put money in the basket. And I said, well, why am I supposed to put money in the basket, Buck? And he said, well, he said, you know, AA was here when you got here. And I said, yeah, it was. And he says, how the hell do you think they printed the books? How do you think they paid for the rent in the church? How do you think that they bought a microphone? How do you think that they bought, you know, how do you think they provide the coffee? It takes money. So put some money in the basket to make sure that AA is here tomorrow for somebody else. And, you know, I'm very concerned that my son, who is the son of an alcoholic father and an alcoholic mother, may someday have a problem. And I want to make damn sure that AA is here for him the way it was for me. That's why I put money in the basket. That's why I put money in the basket. I want to make damn sure AA is here tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Think about that. And I've also noticed something about the people who do and don't put money in the basket. We have a lot of discussion meetings where I come from and people sit around and talk about their sickness and their character defects a lot, which I don't really care for. But I'd much rather like to hear about how they're getting well, and I'd much rather hear about how they're overcoming their character defects with a positive attitude. I don't like to hear about how they're sick. I know how I'm sick. I don't want to hear about that. I want to hear how to get well.
I want to hear how to get well. And I see the basket going around, and it's kind of interesting. You know, those people who don't put money in the basket seem to be more concerned with
[01:00:00]
material things, you know, they've got to pay the bills, they've got to do this, they've got the rent's gone up, they've got to do all of these things. And I've noticed that. And I've also noticed that they seem, then, when they don't put money in the basket, those, they also seem to be attending less meetings as time goes on. And gradually what happens to many of them is that, you know, they, maybe what it is is they achieve such a spiritual perfection that maybe they're walking with God, I don't know.
But they seem to walk right through AA, and they, well, maybe they've got to spend the money on the horse races, or whatever it happens to be, I'm not sure what it is. But when they walk right through AA, what happens, very simply, is they also forget something else. They're not just simply forgetting that AA is going to exist tomorrow, and they better provide for it, for themselves as well as new people.
But they seem to forget not to take that first drink, and to go back to drinking. And, you know, if perhaps that's part of it, when I start thinking of my own material well-being before I think of AA, then I'm in trouble. There's no question about that in my mind. And so I'm going to put a buck in the pot. I don't give a damn whether anybody else does or not. Because I want to safeguard that. I want to safeguard AA.
Because whether I stay sober or not in the future, and I believe that I will, but whether I stay sober or not in the future, I'm sure as hell going to need AA in the future. And I want it to be here when I need it. And that way I can be assured that I have done my part. And I was speaking of this gratitude a moment ago. And I think that that's a small token of gratitude, a very small token of gratitude.
But I think gratitude is showing up before a meeting and setting up the chairs and making the coffee and picking up the cups and putting away the ashtrays and going on a 12-step call. My attitude is, you know, if I ever refuse to go on a 12-step call, I hope I get drunk. And I mean that sincerely. And I've got some news for you. My attitude about it is, if you ever refuse to go on a 12-step call because you're too damn busy, I hope you get drunk too.
Think about that. And I feel that way. Because somebody took the time to make a 12-step call on me and has been able to help me every time I needed help. I feel strongly about AA. I feel very strongly about AA. It has given me my life. It has managed to allow me to accept the seemingly bad as well as the seemingly good. When I came into AA, I'd been threatened at my job. I had no wife. I'd lost two kids.
I was living with my mother. I had no money. I had a falcon that was urine-stained on the front seat and bourbon bumps on the sides. You know, the whole thing, held together with spit, prayer, and bailing wire. And a lot of payments get due. And I have many things now. I have cars. I have children. I have a wife. I have a home. As a matter of fact, I own three houses. I'm carrying a mortgage on a farm that I've sold to someone.
I have money in the bank. But most of all, the thing that I have is a continued activity in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. That is the major thing that I have in my life, because that in itself has given me more than all of the money in the world could ever give me, all of the material things. Because I can lose all of those, I've lost them before, and I could lose them again. But I cannot afford to lose my life.
And you, my sponsor, the Fellowship, the AA program, and God as I understand Him, have given me all of the good things that I have in my life, spiritual, mental, as well as material. And the material things are great, and they are good, and I enjoy them, and I'm comfortable with them. But, you know, I can do without them, too. I don't want to, but I can.
[01:05:00]
There's a lot of things that I've learned to understand. But as I said, that situation when I came into AA seemed to be bad. It seemed to be damn bad to me. But you know, it wasn't bad, because that was the absolute and correct environment situation for me personally to be in, to be able to accept this program. And I have been able to accept it, grasp it, and to hold on to it, because I love it. And it has loved me.
AA has loved me. I went out to Omaha, Nebraska, not quite six years ago, and I thought to myself, what in the hell am I going out there for? And I mean that. I thought, what in the hell am I going out there for? I had a good job, a damn good job. Making more money then than I'm making now, as a matter of fact. I had all the material things, all of the encumberments that that gives you. I was going to a couple of meetings a week.
I was staying sober. I got out there, and I started going to meetings, and they didn't have what I wanted in AA. They didn't have enough of it. It wasn't exciting enough for me. It wasn't exhilarating enough. It didn't have the activity. There wasn't anybody, there weren't many newcomers coming around. And so I started being active in AA. I now go to anywhere between four and six meetings a week, usually five, and I'm active on the state committee.
I'm active on a roundup committee. We throw eatin' speakin' meetings or potlucks with 650 people coming to them. I'm on the phone talking to Buck and to other members of Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis during the week. I sponsor many people directly, and they have put me back into the mainstream of life. AA has put me back in the mainstream of life. And that is exactly why I went out there.
And by the way, I'm not really from Omaha. I'm from Bellevue, Nebraska, and Omaha we consider our largest suburb, and the people in Omaha don't like to hear that, by the way. The people in AA in Omaha don't like to hear it, and we just love to say it. And in my personal opinion, we have the best AA in the world right there in Bellevue, Nebraska, with 15 meetings a week of all sorts and sizes and shapes and forms, and a tremendous amount of activity, and we love it, and it is ours.
And we maintain it on a daily basis, just the way you do here, and it's great, and it's good, and it fits, and it's warm, it's comfortable. So the ability to accept the seemingly bad as well as the seemingly good, because you never know which one is which, comes only when you're able to stay sober for a while and look back in hindsight and see something that seemed to be bad, but yet today seems to be good, because it brought you to where you are.
All of the things that I have had in AA have come out of some work. It requires me to work my program. If I stay sober, I'm on the right track. When I seem to be working harder to do that, maybe it's like a train going uphill, but all I have to do is to remember now when I'm working hard going up that hill, that I'm going to come to the top and I'm going to be able to go down and it's going to be comfortable.
And I know that today, and that makes me feel good, and I enjoy that. You know, in AA we were not bad people who came here to get good. We were sick people who came here to get well. And how do you get well? And I talked about sponsorship and what it's meant to me as a sponsor and being sponsored. Both of them have been very important to me. Probably sponsoring others has been more important to me.
I probably have really gotten more out of that than I have in being sponsored. And I think Buck knows exactly what I'm talking about. I think I've gotten more out of the people that I've helped than they have gotten from me. I think that if I can stay in this thing and I can enjoy it, I can learn more and more every day.
[01:10:00]
And the one thing that I have learned, aside from we were not bad people who came in here to get good, but sick people who came in here to get well, is that one thing very simply, if you want what we have, do what we do. And that's a free and easy translation of the beginning of the fifth chapter. If you want what we have, do what we do. Be active in the fellowship. Work in the fellowship. Do something for others.
Our two founders were very strangely matched. One of them had an absolute spiritual experience, and the other one had a spiritual awakening as a result of working with others. Bill Wilson, the desire to drink and the obsession to drink was removed immediately. Dr. Bob had a long problem with it, with the desire. He maintained the desire for years by his word. But in working with others, it disappeared.
Nothing will so ensure immunity against drinking as working with others, our book says. I love this program. I love what it's done for me, and I love what it's done for you. I love the people on Alcoholics Anonymous, not for what they are, but for what they make me. And for that, I thank you, because you have allowed me to spend some time with you this evening, and I've enjoyed it, and I hope you have.
Thank you very much. Thank you, Dick. And Ralph, congratulations again. And look, please leave these first seven rows of chairs just like they are. The others you can help with. And remember, our taper over here has tapes and tapes of meetings from all over the country. We'll close the meeting in the usual way. Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.