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Source: DICOBE-00021 – Barbara K – BLOUNT COUNTY – 1985-06-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00021-barbara-k-blount-county-1985-06-15.mp3 Duration: 00:58:41
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I really enjoyed George's talk last night, and Jackie, I have so much in common with you, so much. We too have a new wedding date. We have 11 out of 37 good years. And, uh, but I beat you, I have eight children. And they grew up in an alcoholic home. The only one that doesn't remember the alcoholism is the one who, goodness gracious, will be 16 in August, but she was too little. That gives us, and I say us, 11 years of sobriety.
The best years of our lives, because the ones preceding the drinking, I have come to believe, were just years where we went about doing what we thought we were supposed to do, and being who we thought we were supposed to be, but not knowing who that was. If you're going to get well in Al-Anon and AA, you have to find out who you are. And part of that is painful. And you need a program like AA or Al-Anon to accomplish it.
When I first went into Al-Anon, and I'll tell you more about how that happened in a little bit, I resented the fact that they told me I was sick. Russell was sick. I was most certainly doing the best any human being could do to survive this horrible ordeal. And only doing the things I had to. I had to scream. I had to holler. I had to save the day. And I did not know that I could choose the kind of person I wanted to be, no matter what was going on around me.
I have learned and have appreciated knowing that who I am depends upon what's happening inside of me, and not one bit upon what's happening outside of me. And that I can control that. That's one of the greatest things I learned in Al-Anon. But I think we need to start, as the rules say, with how it was. Russell and I married in August of 1948 for the first time, with plans to leave immediately in September of 1948 for seminary in Springfield, Illinois.
We completed five years at seminary. We did it in five because he did two years in one. He was really a terrific soul. And left seminary to our first congregation in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1953 with three children. Now we arrived in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, set up our first ministry. Just last weekend, I have to insert, one of our little girls who was born in that congregation, she and her husband were installed in their first ministry in central Illinois with three children.
And Miggie said, her name's Mary Margaret, isn't that a beautiful name? But her father called her Miggie when she was little, and here she is, 30 with three children, and she's Miggie. But father rules the roost. If father called her Miggie, she liked to be Miggie. And she said to me, Mother, I'm off on your road, and I hope I travel it as well as you did. And I said, I hope there are parts of it you don't have to travel.
And she said, I know that. And she said, I'm so proud of you. And I can't tell you what that meant to me. But she didn't come up and say, Mother, I'm off on your road, but I sure hope I do a better job of it. And I know in my heart that without Eleanor, this is exactly what she would have said if we were even speaking. I owe that to Eleanor. George stood up here and talked about all the things we just take for granted.
I have spent so many years thinking of all the horrible things that were going on in my life
[00:05:01]
that I forgot and took for granted the fact that I have eight children. They are all mentally and physically healthy. And that other than the disease that came close to destroying all of us, we've had no major problems. Now, I want to tell you the thing I resented most about this disease, which did not show up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where we lived for two and a half years and I had two more children.
We moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where we were to serve the largest church in the Lutheran Church, Missouri Synod, at that time. When we arrived, they arranged for a babysitter, and one of the architects in the congregation had us over to dinner. They served martinis. Russell said, ooh, this is good. I'll have another. Russell got drunk. I had never seen Russell drunk, but he decided that being as we were in this very urban congregation, very large congregation of professional people, we would need to begin to entertain and we would need to serve liquor.
So we staffed a liquor cabinet. We'd never had liquor in the house before. And here's another funny thing. I thought it was because we couldn't afford it. I learned years down the road there's no such thing as can't afford liquor. No such thing. You may not be able to afford underwear for the children, but you can afford liquor. So we staffed a liquor cabinet. We stayed there for four years. I only remember Russell getting drunk twice during those four years, and not being concerned about just thinking, poor fellow.
You know, he did it again. Oh, and it was always our martinis. So I decided we wouldn't have martinis. And he said, oh, I'll have another. Oh, and it was always our martinis. So I decided we wouldn't have martinis. We moved to Illinois. First thing Russell did was look to see where the liquor cabinet was, and it was very inadequate, so we built a new one. And now we decided that we were very much in society, so perhaps it would be nice if we had a cocktail ourselves at home, even if we didn't have company.
So we started having cocktails before dinner. And I don't know how many years it took. Incidentally, I had one more child while we were in Milwaukee. I started to slow down one in four years. And went to Illinois with six children. Had another little girl a couple years later. And now our children have grown to where our oldest child is off in college. In New Year's Eve of 1969, I had a surprise for Russell that I saved up until the stroke of midnight with the church bells ringing.
And I said, Russell, it's going to be a marvelous year. I'm going to have a baby. And he was not pleased. And this hurt me, because I was. I'd lost one to college. I needed to replace it. And so I went through that pregnancy. Drinking was becoming a problem. I didn't know that drinking was becoming a problem. I knew there were problems. I thought, golly, maybe it's just, you know, having all these teenagers, somebody off to college.
Our life is just changing. Maybe that's the way it happens. But something's wrong. I don't know Russell like I used to know Russell. He must be withdrawing from me. Now, I did not decide that having a baby would solve that. After you've had seven babies, you know that having babies doesn't solve anything. But I was nevertheless delighted that I was going to have another child. The evening that that child was born, Russell said, I'll see you in the morning.
I'm going home. I'm tired. You've picked terrible times to have babies. And I said, I'm going home. I'm tired. You've picked terrible times to have babies. Well, of course, then he'd just come home from playing golf, and there I was saying, we have to go right now. He hadn't had any dinner. And he kept threatening to go home during the labor because he was hungry, and I kept saying, but they'll bring you something to eat.
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But what he wanted, they wouldn't bring him, and he knew it. But I didn't. I still didn't know what the problem was. Because at that point, I didn't think Russell was drinking any more than I was. I was a social drinker, whatever that is. If somebody else had a drink, I said, so shall I. I don't know why Russell had the disease and I didn't. But I know that I could drink a drink, and he could not. So anyway, he came back the next morning.
He went home to eat, came back the next morning, and said, and you've all heard this, and some people have told me that they were waiting to hear my side of it because they heard. He told them when he spoke here before. He said to me, I'm so glad you've had this baby. You were such a good baby. I'm so glad you've had this baby. You were such a bitch while you carried it. And on that day, I became the bitch.
I don't know how many years Russell called me the bitch before the children started calling me the bitch. But it happened. And I resented it terribly. Went home with that baby. Thought everything would get better. He was an adorable little child. And all the children adored her. It was sort of, well, I sort of built my life around that little baby. Because there was something in Russell's and my relationship that was gone, dead, wasn't there.
And we played games for a long time. It reached the point where we drank for any occasion. At home, away from home. This particular occasion was the opening of school. I think the night before we drank to the death of the neighbor's cat. This time it was the opening of school. The child was two years old. In fact, it was the day before her second birthday. Now, I'm used to doing what I'm told, and Barbara asked me this morning, Barbara asked me this morning, did you do a written-down inventory?
And yes, I did. And one of the things I found out in my written-down inventory was, I was raised by a German mother. And when she said something, you did it. And you didn't ask any questions. And whether it was unjust or whether it was, you did it. And that was my lifestyle. I married Russell, and he told me what to do. And I did it. And never realized that I could make some decisions on my own. Now, here I am, the mother of eight children, and I still don't know that I can make some decisions on my own, that I'm a people too.
You know, Admon told me that, Barbara, you're a people too. So, at the age of 45, I started, decided to grow up. I mean, I was starting from infancy being a people. And Russell told me this morning, as I started, why the reason I put that in, he said, don't tell the story about the hospital, okay? So, I'm not going to tell you the story about the hospital, I'm sorry. He may tell you tonight. It's a good…
I didn't give me a shock treatment, though. Took me a month to decide I wasn't crazy, but when they decided it, they sent me home. Six months after I was home, we were crazy, though, weren't we? I mean, I resented being told that, but I was. You don't stay if you're not crazy. You know, for any reason. You know, if you stay, you're crazy. Unless you have Al-Anon, unless you're working a program. You know, I don't want to make that statement like, you know, if your husband drinks, get out of there.
I'm talking about, you don't stay the way I stayed, with no help, no aid, beating my head against a brick wall. You don't do it if you're well. Six months after I got out of that hospital, there was this guy, Russell. There was a wedding, 60 miles from our house, and it was February, it was northern Illinois, and there was a blizzard. This is one of the lawyers in our congregation, and he'd ask Russell to have this service.
Although they were being married off. Although they were being married in the girls' church, that's why I was 60 miles away, so we were going to that wedding.
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On the way, I burned a hole in my gown. You see, I had just started to smoke and didn't really know how yet. When I got home from the hospital, Russell kept drinking at me, and I decided I'd smoke at him. And I am still smoking, and Russell hasn't had a drink for 11 years, and not a cigarette for 3. But I did burn a hole in my dress. But, I wasn't as bad as Russell. He got there, fell in the pond at the church.
Now, I don't know why there was a pond at the church. We're not Episcopalians, you know, everybody has a nice courtyard with those ponds in them, but Lutherans usually don't. Maybe we bought it from someone, I don't know, but there was a pond and Russell fell in it. And I'm going to tell you right now that there wasn't a person there that didn't think I pushed him. And I'm also going to tell you I did not.
He had the wedding. Luckily, he was only in his street clothes at the time, so he put on his gown and had the wedding. We went to the reception. He wore his gown, his clothes were wet. And I began to notice that he was drinking too much. That is my job, you know, keep track of how much Russell was drinking. In case he lost track. So I went up to him and told him, Russell, you have had four, look at this, gin and cokes.
He gave up martinis, made him have hangovers. And he didn't like to taste the coke in it either, he didn't like the taste of coke. And he said, shut up and leave me alone. Just because you've forgotten how to have a good time, just leave me alone. So I went out in the car and cried. Now, I don't know how long I stayed out in the car and cried, as long as it took me to realize that he wasn't going to come out after me, I guess.
But when I went back in, they were closing up shop. It was about two o'clock in the morning. And when I walked in the door, this lovely gal in the wedding party met me and said, I've been looking all over for you, would you please tell your husband to give me my shoes, I need to go home. And was I glad to do that. And I'm thinking, wonderful, there are still members of our congregation here, they've seen this fiasco, now they'll begin to believe that maybe Russell does have a problem.
I didn't know his problem was alcoholism, but I knew he was a lot worse when he drank and that he drank too much. I wasn't about to call him an alcoholic yet. That was a bad word. You know, one you didn't use. So I figured maybe somebody would start believing me now that Russell really had a problem. You know, that he was, well, I don't know who he was, he certainly wasn't the Russell I married. You know, I knew he was sick, that something was very wrong with him.
I didn't know I was sick though, I thought I was coping. You know, if you cry three hours out of every day, you're not coping. You're resting from yelling and screaming. So we went home in the blizzard at two o'clock in the morning. He was on the wrong side of the road. And I said, let me drive. And he said, I mean he wasn't on the wrong side of the road because the other cars were on the other side of the road, but what else could they do to avoid him, you know.
So he was not on the wrong side of the road. And went through three stoplights that said stop when he went through them. And I said, let me drive or let me out. And he thought the second idea was a good one, and he let me out. Stopped at a stoplight, the only one that said green, he stopped at that one and let me out. I don't know if alcohol causes colorblindness, maybe it does. And there I stood in my long gown with a cigarette burn in it and a fur coat and a little beaded bag with a handkerchief, some cigarettes, and a lipstick in it, not one red cent.
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I borrowed a dime from a young man in the filling station and made a long-distance charge call to San Giovanni's in Marengo, where else, where we lived. Asked them at 2 o'clock in the morning to drive out 60 miles away and pick me up and take me home. And they said, well, where is Pastor? This is what they called him, you know. I said he went home. I thank him for giving my husband a name again, and he even uses it.
I remember the first AA meeting, I went to him, he stood up and he said, I'm Russ K.. I thought, I don't believe it. He's always been Pastor K.. I had members of our congregation, when I'm calling Russell, say, don't do that. We don't like it. So I called him Pastor, too. We call him other things at home, but I don't want to tell them about that. And so, they came to get me. What else could they do?
They needed to help Pastor out. On the way home, I told them some of the really raunchy things that were going on in our life. And they said, but Pastor said, but Pastor said, and I said, Pastor is lying to you. That did it. We got home. Russell's car was there. By now, it was after four in the morning. And they said, if he were as drunk as you said he was, he would never have made it home. We will see you in the morning.
Well, in the morning, we went to early service. Russell was there preaching. Wonderful service. They came over to the house, as they and many others did. Because every Saturday, I spent my day making yeast dough and coffee cakes and things. And people came over to the Fastenage between services for a coffee break. And they were the ones that always came. And they came in, and the man said, We, Pastor, is going to have to do something about you.
He can't take much more of this. And I said, what did he tell you? Well, you jumped out of that car. And he looked for you as long as he could without coming home because he had to preach here this morning. And you know how dedicated he is. And I said, well, I think you should have called a policeman and told him his loony wife was out before he went home, don't you? But that was it. I decided then, I will not tell anyone what's going on anymore.
They're not going to believe me. I was told in the hospital, don't say any of this. These people have a choice. They can believe you, or they can believe Russell. And they can believe Russell and still be friends with you. But if they believed you, they'd have to do something about Russell being their pastor. So they're not going to make the choice to believe you. And the more you say, the more they're going to dislike you.
So I promised myself never again would I fuss about Russell to anybody outside the house, but inside. Oh, my. I used to sit with Russell in the east room. They'd have a room on our car seat, you know, the Kennedy's we're in. She had an east room, so I had an east room. We'd sit there, and Russell would drink until he passed out. Of course, the children were all in bed before that happened. Because that didn't happen until one.
And then I dragged him upstairs. See, then he got to bed. We had pastoral duties in the morning. And it was my job. I don't know what I'm just saying. That's why I did it. Who the hell knows why I did it? I sat up with him and dragged him upstairs at night. But I'd get him to the first landing. You know, we had a divided stairway with the landing. He'd wake up enough to laugh at me and slide back down.
Every. Single. Time. And guess what? That was my cue for the final sermon of the day. And I would tell him how he was ruining himself, how he was ruining me, how he was ruining the children,
[00:25:01]
how God was going to get him. Be not deceived. God is not mocked. And just whatever came to mind, and I would wake all the children. This is what woke the children every night. And do you know I had to get them to Al-Anon and re-examine my life before I realized why the children were upset with me? Their father was a quiet drunk. He just passed out. And if I'd have left him alone and passed out, I wouldn't have had as much trouble.
But they sure felt sorry for Dad. And all he's done is that. I took my oldest son, who was 21 at the time, and had quit college to come home and try to make things better. See what he could do. I took him by the shoulders and shook the liquid and daylights on him and said, Daniel, Daniel, can't you see what's happening? And he said, yeah, you're about to shake the guts out of me. Dad told you why he drinks.
And of course he did. And I don't have to tell any of you around Al-Anon what that reason was, do I? Well, it went from bad to worse, and then worse still. I stopped driving him up the stairs. I don't know, I just got tired of it, I guess. So this one night, I went upstairs. Always went upstairs, but did not go to sleep until I knew he had either decided to come upstairs or had passed out and would be alright until morning.
But I didn't go to sleep once I was upstairs. I'd pick up the telephone receiver every few minutes. This is my Sherlock Holmes period. If I knew everything, I could fix this. You know, I wasn't done trying to fix this. I had to fix it. My mother never told me easy does it. She said, if there's a mess in your life, you better fix it. And I was going to fix it. I had never heard the first step. Didn't want to hear if there was anything like some little group could help me in this ridiculous situation.
This night, I was just hanging up the telephone, when I smelled a horrendous amount of smoke coming up the stairs. I ran downstairs, and thinking all the while, my God, the house is on fire, I will be ready for it. Got downstairs and the house was not on fire. Russell had taken a steak out of the freezer, still wrapped, put it in the broiler because he was hungry, and passed out on the floor. Now I got that steak out of the broiler, rinsed off the paper, sat down on the floor and was going to shove it down his throat.
But I was not sick, you see, Russell was sick. But he passed out and missed everything. Maybe, I have a theory. And you know, what I say is my theory, but I need to tell you my theory. There are two reasons why alcoholics can get well so quickly. One of them is, you have that one giant step you can take, you can put down the alcohol. Number two, you don't have half as much to drink. You were unconscious through most of it.
I'll tell you, things got worse than that. Nobody liked me. I was ruining Russell's life. I was a bad mother. I was a bad mother. And I didn't know what to do. I was miserable. I hadn't learned I was a people yet, remember, I wasn't an alcoholic. My youngest son was going to be confirmed. Now, you want to talk about parties, confirmation is a party. I mean, you really bring in the booze for confirmation, right?
Russell went out and bought four cases of beer and about six gallons of wine. You know, for the less hearty drinkers. And it was put down in our basement, about two weeks before the party. My son came upstairs the day before the party, when I'm busy baking and cooking, and says, mother, there is no wine and no beer. And I said, oh my God, your father has opened it all. And he said, I don't know. And I said, oh my God, your father has opened it all.
And he looked at me and said, mom, it's not who opens it that matters, it's who drinks it. Who Opens It, That Matters, It's Who Drinks It,
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My God, That's What He Believed, I Made My Decision That Day, To Get Out, I Didn't Know Where I Was, But I Was Getting Out, I Didn't Know Us Was Making The Same Decision, We Were Getting Through That Day, That Confirmation, I Knew Russell Was Leaving The Next Day, Our Doctor Advised Rest Vacation, The Same Doctor That Told Us He Had A Martini Before Dinner To Be More Relaxed, Russell Left, I Left The Same Afternoon, To Go And See A Lawyer, Now It Was Not The Lawyer Whose Wedding We Had Gone To, In The Dead Of Winter, It Was The Only Non-Lutheran Lawyer In Town, I Knew If I Went To A Lutheran One, He Would Have Me Put Away, That's The Truth, People Come Out Of Church On A Sunday And They Say, Pastor Looks Just Terrible, You've Got To Stop Worrying Yourself, And You Know If I Had Had Alan On, I Would Have Said, Well If You Were As Hungover As Pastor, You Would Look Pretty Terrible Too, But If I Had Said That, They Would Have Put Me Away, Now Folks, I Was Not Dealing With This Well, I Felt If I Insisted On Their Listening To Me And Believing Me, That Surely They Could Stop The World From Blowing Up, What Did I Know About Alcoholism?
I Didn't Know They Couldn't Do Any More Than I Could, I Lived My Life On The Idea That If They Would Just Find Out About It, They Could Fix It, I Was A Non-Entity, I Didn't Do Anything On My Own, I Wake Up In The Morning And Say, I Wonder What Russell Is Going To Do Today, Because Until I Knew What Russell Was Going To Do, I Didn't Know What I Was Going To Do, Because My Life Was Reacting To Whatever Russell Did, That's Pretty Sick, And I Didn't Know There Was Any Other Way, And I Didn't Know There Was Any Other Way, I Went To The Lawyer, I Told Him My Story, He Said, Oh, This Is Going To Blow Up This Time, I Said, Well, I Know That Upsets You, But I Didn't Really Know It Was Going To Blow Up For A Long Time, And I Kind Of Would Rather Not Be Here, I'd Like A Divorce, No, No, No, You Can't Do That, A Separation, No, No, No, You Can't Do That, I Said, This Is Going To Be In The Newspaper, It's Going To Be On The Radio, Oh My Goodness, It's Going To Mess Up The Time, And I Resented That, He Said, Let Me Tell You, My Father Was An Alcoholic, There's Health For Alcoholics, I Said, You Mean You Believe He's An Alcoholic, He Said, Oh Yes, He Said, You Know A Lot Of People Suspect That, He Said, You're Kidding, They Don't Go To Our Church, Of Course He Didn't, You See, I Never Talked To Anybody About Deliverance In Town, So, He Said, When Russell Comes Back Into Town, He Had Him Call Me, He Said, Just Sign Some Papers To Help Support The Children, And You Just Go Off With The Children, Wherever You Want To Go And Rest, But Let's See If We Can Get Some Help For Russell, I Said, He Doesn't Need Any Help, You Know, I Tried To Help Him, If I Can't Help Him, Nobody Else Can, He Doesn't Think There's Anything Wrong With Him, And He Tried To Give Me A Little Sermon About What Alcoholism Was, I Wasn't Hearing Any Of It, I Said, Alright, I'll Tell Russell To Come In When He Gets Back, On The Way Home, I Thought, My Goodness, Look What I Did, Without Russell's Permission, I Told My Mother, She Told Me, Don't Do It, And I Did It Anyway, My Mother Told Me, That I Was About To Mess Up A Marriage With The Best Man In The World, And That I Had Ruined Her Vacation, Woo, That Is A Trouble, But I Remember, On The Way Home, That I Had Done Something All By Myself, And I Remembered, I Have It Here, A Little Packet, This Little Packet, That I Had Received In The Mail, Oh, Months Before, No Return Address, Nothing, Inside Was A Lot Of Little Pamphlets, About A Group Called Al-Anon, Well, I Skimmed Through Those, There Wasn't One Word In There About How I Couldn't Make Russell Quit Drinking, So I Put Him Away,
[00:35:01]
But I Remembered This Little Thing, On My Way Home, I Said, I Have A Week, Where I Better Do Everything I Want To Do In This Town, Because I'm Getting Out Of Here, And I Remembered There Was A Little Paper In There, That Listed All The Places They Have Meetings, And I Went Home And Got It Out, And I Thought, I Take One Fifteen Months, From Our Community, Why I Didn't Want To Go In Our Community, I Don't Know, I Figured They Wouldn't Let Me In, So I Went Fifteen Miles Away, Passed Up A Lot Of Meetings In Fifteen Miles, I Don't Know Why, There Were Two Of Our Members There, One Of Them Had Sent Me This Packet, And Was Very Glad To See Me, They Opened Up With A Reading For My Little One Day At A Time Book, The Serenity Prayer, The Steps, And Then They Asked If There Were Any Newcomers, There Were Four Or Five Of Them, And Then They Asked If Any Others Wanted To Say Anything, There Was One, Now I Feel Sorry For The People That Came To That Meeting, For Some Help That Night, Because All They Heard Was Me, Because I Was Determined, Because I Was Determined To Let These People Know What Alcoholics Really Was, And It Wasn't These Nice Things They Wrote In These Little Books, That You Know, Maybe The People You're Writing About Are A Little Bit Alcoholics, But Let Me Tell You What It Really Is Like, And You Know As People Cried, People Cried, Of Course I Cried, I Didn't Say Anything Without Crying In Those Days, And I Thought My God They Believe Me, And They Understand What I'm Saying, After The Meeting, One Of Them Gave Me A Little Book Called One Day At A Time, This Is It, It's Going To Look Like That, That's How We Get Us A Rubber Band Now, I Appreciate Books, I Took It Home, Put It In A Drawer, Take Good Care Of It, Russell Called, How Are You?
And I Started, I Thought I'm Going To Say What I Have To Say, And I Know If I Let Him Say Anything I Won't Get It All In, Russell I Went To A Lawyer Today, He Said If You Come Home, You Need To Sign This Paper, And I Want You To Speak, He Said Barbara I'm Not Coming Home, I Said What Do You Mean You're Not Coming Home? You're The Pastor In This Church, He Said I Am Now, I Resigned, I Said Well Who's Your Father Of These Children?
Well He Couldn't Deny That, But He Said I'm Not Coming Home, I Said Well You're Going To Have To Help Me Take Care Of The Children, You Need To Come Home And Sign This Paper, And Help Me Take Care Of These Children, I'm Not Coming Home, And I Can't Help Support The Children I'm Unemployed, And I Said But You Have To, I'm Living In The Bus, I Won't Have Any Place To Live With The Children, You Have To, He Said You Cannot Get Blood Out Of The Turnip, And I Found Out You Couldn't, And When I Moved With The Children To Cincinnati, Ohio, I Lived On Welfare, Until I Got A Job, Which Wasn't Long, And That Was Tough, That Was Real Tough, I Got The Maximum Amount Though, Told That My Husband Was A Term, And Do You Know That That Welfare Was Really Tough?
I Don't Know, And Do You Know That That Welfare Worker Was The Same One, That A Year And A Half Later Was Working With Russell, Who Was Working In The Uncompensated, Compensated Program, In That Same Building, John Letterman Said You Are A Russell, You Are The Turnip, But I Didn't Have To Stay On Welfare Long, And I Tell You It Was A Tough Time, We Lived In A Little Shack, Down The Ohio River, Ohio River, I Got A Job In Dentistry, Russell And I Were Just Talking About That Today, That Was Eleven Years Ago, My Job In Dentistry Has Become One That Nearly Consumes Me Now, I'm Into The Teaching End Of It, I Don't Have Enough Time Left, For My Family, And For A Lot Of Other Things I'd Love To Do, Like Being Here With You, But I Do Love Derek, And I Do Love My Job,
[00:40:00]
And, Anyway, My Three Kids, I Had One In Seventh Grade, One In Ninth, And A Little Girl Just Going Off To Kindergarten, A Little Girl Who Was Named Sarah The Day I Was Named Bitch, Was Going To Go To Kindergarten, So I Went Off To Work, In A Dental Office In Cincinnati, My Kids Who Had Come From, Through Denial And Deceit, Were Still Considered One Of The Fine Homes In Montgomery, I Mean In Lincoln, Illinois, And The Goat Dressed One, And The Respected One, I Had Taken To Cincinnati, Living In A Shack On The Ohio River, And Was Deported Down By The River On Welfare, But Guess What?
We Loved It, We Were Happy, Kids Had Come Home At Night, I Had Come Home From Work At Night, One Night I Fixed Liver For Dinner, And They Said Oh Thanks Mom, And They Hated Liver, And I Knew Something Was Happening To Our Family, If We Could Agree At One Another, We Would Actually Do This, And It May Sound Kind Of Camp, But I Don't Care, We Did It, We Say Wait A Minute, We Hold Hands, And We Say We Are All We Have Got, And We Had A Circle Hung, That Would Last As Long As We Wanted It To, And The War Was Over, And We Were Doing Pretty Well, Do You Know What?
We Did, We Missed The Money, You Don't Know If You Are Going To Pay The Rent, Or If You Are Going To Be Able To Get Oil In Your Purse, Or If You Are Going To Be Able To Do Anything, You Are Concerned About It, But Let Me Tell You The Kids Weren't, The Kids Were So Dead, Just Had Some Hugging, And Some Kissing, And Cut Out The Hollering, And You Know What It Was? The Fear Of Wondering What Was Happening, What Was Going To Happen Was Gone, It Had Happened, And Now We Were Dealing With It, Thank God It's Over, Is What We Said, That's Pretty Sad, That's The Only Feeling I Had People, When The World Blew Up, Was Thank God It's Over, That's What I Felt, That's What I Said, And We Got Off To Making A Life For Ourselves, And One Day There Was A Knock On The Door, And There Stood Russell, Now I Hadn't Seen Russell, He Had Other Plans, This Is The First Time I've Seen Russell, Since I Saw Him In Alcoholic Rehab, When They Called Me In, He Said Hi, How Are You Doing?
And I Said I'm Doing Fine, He Says Please Don't Complain, If You Live Here, And I Said In My Inimitable, Non-Alanon Way, It's Better Than The Ditch You Left Us In, 20 Minutes Later I Took Him Back, Unemployed, Because He Told Me, You Said If I Quit Drinking Everything Would Be Alright, You Must Have Said That A Thousand Times, And I'm Not Drinking, I Felt Compelled To Take Him Back, Like It Was A Problem, Well He Came Back, I Couldn't Get Welfare Anymore, I Had A Husband Living In The House, But I Still Got Food Stamps, And Russell Didn't Want To Work, I Asked Him Why Not, And He Said, Well The Group I Belong To Says To Take It Easy, You Know And I Have A Lot Of Getting Well To Do, The Group Also Told Him, Russell If You're Going To Get Well You Have To Forgive Yourself, And You Know He Did It Like That, And I Wondered Why I Couldn't Do It Like That, Because I Had A Bad Case Of The After What You Did, You Know I'd Be Sitting There In The Rocker Getting Better And I'd Be Out Working My Tail Off, And I Thought You Know I'm Taking Care Of An Influence Now, But Think Of All The Times When I Said If He Just Quit Drinking, You Know If He Had TB Or Something I Could Just Take Care Of Him, But He Wanted To Take Care Of Me, And I Was Resenting That, Couldn't Leave Me, After One Of His Trips, Back And Forth, Gone, Back, I Decided I Couldn't Let Him Go Anymore, So I Took The Credit Card And I Was Named Bill, They took the car too.
I had trouble getting to work without a car.
[00:45:01]
Came back one time, he was there when I got, I thought it was going for good. I said, this is it, you know, I'm not going to make it. So long. Came back, he was standing at the door when I got home from work one Monday. I said, what are you doing here? He said, I came for a meeting. An AA meeting. And I said, you came all the way from Idaho to Cincinnati for an AA meeting, a small group? He said, well, there's another group called Al-Anon.
That they have a meeting, and I thought maybe you'd like to go with me. And I said, I know all about that group, I've been there. They didn't say anything that I found worth. Of course they didn't say anything, I did all the talking. You know, I was through with Al-Anon. Because Al-Anon was no longer an alcoholic anymore, so I didn't need it. And I said, okay, what time is the meeting? And he said, it's Thursday.
Come on now. And by Thursday, we had planned to remarry. How do you like that? He still wasn't working. Boy, I was a patsy. But we never even had a legal separation, much less a divorce, you know. But I felt I was living in sin every time I left him in the door, because we had, our marriage was so dead. So totally dead. There was no respect for one another. There was no concerns for one another. We were so used to seeing who could hurt the other more badly, that that was the only way we knew how to exist.
There were no winners in our marriage, we were both losers. And we wanted that to change. I said, if you'll quit sitting around waiting for the President of General Motors to die so you can get that job and go out and look for work, let's renew our vows. All the children came from all over. Nobody else did. And we didn't need anybody else. And we renewed our vows. Oh, now, we hadn't renewed our vows yet.
We planned to, by the time Thursday came, and we went off to this meeting. He went to his A.A. meeting, I went to my L.A. meeting, got out in the car and he said, well, how was it? I said, not for me. Do you know what they talked about? Detachment. Now, I'm asking you, I may have needed that last week, but not now. I'm not going to detach from you, everything else. I went back to Cinderella. Certainly doesn't mean detachment.
So I didn't work for a while. I'd get home, Russell would be sitting watching television, I'd fix dinner, call the kids to dinner and say, you mean Father Russell, if any man will not work, neither shall he eat. There'd be no time. I was after what? You getting him to death. And the kids are saying, Mom, we don't like to see you this way. We wish you the way you were, kicking out. Do something. Give us back the mother we had for those short few months.
Well, he talked me into going to another L.A. meeting. But just before we went, he said, I don't think you've really forgiven me. You need to go to these meetings, because I don't think you've really forgiven me. That made me furious. And I listed all of the things I had forgiven him for, plus I was supporting him, plus how dare he, and went upstairs and cried, and he watched some more television. He'd tell you, everybody that's on television, he never has gotten out of that habit.
Of course, he doesn't have much time to do it anymore. He can't tell you the daytime program. But I'll tell you what. I thought, I'm going to the Dallinon meeting. So I spruced up, went downstairs, said I'm ready, and we went. Now, I enjoyed this meeting. Do you know there are strange people go to Dallinon? They smile. They laugh. They tell things that happened that I wouldn't have told you I saw. And they laugh with each other a lot.
I thought, this is kind of like a circus of some kind, you know.
[00:50:04]
But I enjoyed it. And I thought, I'll never tell those things. One lady said, do you know, it was such a blessing to me to find out my husband was an alcoholic, that he was sick. I thought he was just a son of a bitch. And they laughed at her. And I thought, mine is a son of a bitch. But anyway, one of them was really nice, talked about how her, told a story about how her, and we don't talk about it all the time at Dallinon, let me tell you.
If that's what you do at your Dallinon meeting, go to another group. We're there to get well, to help ourselves. We generally split up into newcomer meetings because newcomers have to do that. There are things they have to get off of their chest and they have to have an ear that will listen and advise and help to grow. Another thing I want to insert here is that we do not give advice to anyone. The answer I give, and hopefully everyone in my group and in yours too, is please keep coming.
Do not make any decisions while you are so ill. Get well enough and then make your own. We cannot tell you what to do. We can only try to help you get well. So that the decision you make is one you can live with and know that you made intelligently and not an emotional bitch. That's the only advice we give is don't make a decision right now and don't ever ask us to make it for you. Come and join us.
Learn that you're a people too. Learn that you're alcoholic and sick. Learn what it's done to you and everyone you love and what you can do about it. It's all in the serenity prayer. Change the things you can. Change you. Grow like yourself. Well anyway, there was one of these kind of girls at that meeting, the second Cincinnati alumni meeting I went to. And because of the experience I had just before, I talked to her after this meeting.
Which they tell you to do. If you have something personal you want to talk to someone about, pick anyone here. Talk to them. Anyone here is willing to talk to you. I told her about that dreadful experience I had at home where my husband had the gall to say I had not forgiven him. And she said, what did you do? I told her I listed everything I'd forgiven him for. Well, I didn't say I'd forgotten him.
I just said I'd forgiven him. Funny words. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I learned that later. Don't forget that. Forgiveness was a gift I gave myself. Russell happened to benefit from it. Now at this point, I hadn't really forgiven Russell. I was still bitter. I hadn't taken my resentments up to the dumps yet. I needed a lot more along before I could do that. But anyway, I talked to this girl and I told her all about that.
And you know what she said to me? She said, why did you do that to yourself? I said, would you repeat that? She said, why did you do that to yourself? I said, well, I didn't say I hadn't forgiven him. She said, no, but that's all he did was say, he didn't make you forgiveness. You did all the rest yourself. I said, well, what do you suppose I should have done? And she said, well, I think you should have told him that you were sorry he felt that way.
And I thought, big deal. Guess what? We got out of the car and I said, how did you like your meeting? And she said, I really liked it. The people were kind of funny, but, you know, I like them. And one gal there especially that I really liked, she said, well, I'm sure glad he's coming back. And I said, oh, yes. Oh, yes, I'm really coming back. I even got my little book out from my drawer now. And he said, I'm glad, because you haven't really forgiven me.
And I said, I'm sorry you feel that way. And whatever gun it worked, that ended the conversation. Now I'm going to find a couple of meetings a week, because I need to learn more of these cute sayings.
[00:55:00]
You know what? Those cute sayings were about all I could deal with at the time. I didn't get where I was all at once, and I did not get back all at once. But I did get back, and I went way beyond that. I learned who I was. I started to grow. And you know, Russell, our life has never been more exciting than the growing we've done together. We went through that period, maybe you never did, where I worked his program and he worked mine.
And we reminded one another when we weren't doing it right. That was kind of our growing. We don't do that anymore. I don't always think he's working his program right, but I don't tell him anymore. And you know, he's too darn successful for what I think to matter anyway. And I do a pretty good job of remembering that I am who God made me. I no longer think that God doesn't love Russell. I did want to drink and, you know, preach at dinner and say, God, he's coming to get you.
Be not deceived. God is not mocked. What a man sows there shall he also reap. Aren't you scared to death of him and have hope and preach? And you know he was, but I didn't know it. I still thought he was the son of a bitch. And a lot of other things that I used to tell Russell when I used to go out and have my date with the Lord. Read all these comforting passages in the Scripture and all his promises to me.
And he'd go, hold on. I'd tell him what Russell had done that day, as you know, and apologize for Russell. So one breath I'd be asking him to strike him down, and the next breath I'd say, forgive him. He has to be sick. Something doesn't matter. And I'd say, Lord, you know what else he did. And I'd say, how long? And I thought, God has forgotten to love Russell. I mean, how could he? And you know why?
Because I was so guilty because I couldn't feel any love for Russell. And I felt better if I thought maybe God didn't love him anymore either. I would have said, God, if you'd just tell me how to do it and not to get caught, I'd take care of it for you. But you've got to give me a sign. I didn't know how to think. I was going to be the heroine of the world and save them from Russell. As soon as God gave me the sign and I knew how to do it.
Alcoholism is a disease, people. And it's not only the disease of the person who's drinking the alcohol. It's the disease of everyone who loves it. And I want you all to know that you're Al-Anon people. It means your help and your love and your forgiveness every bit as much as the alcoholic does. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you've given to me. Thank you. Al-Anon.