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Source: Cia F – Erie Spring Conference 2015 – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: cia-f-erie-spring-conference-2015-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:53:45
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I'm Sia, I am an alcoholic, and I would like to know why everyone else up here has a drink but me, just what is going on here, I don't know about that, I'm very grateful to have been invited to participate in this conference, thank you Jim, oh that's good, to participate here with you and I want to thank the other speakers who were wonderful and I want to thank Kathy, I want to thank all the people that have been so kind, I want to thank my friend Amy for flying in here, I want to thank Bob D for supporting my sobriety, he recommended that Kathy listen to my CD, I want to thank Kevin for picking us up from the airport and showing us around, and my brother drove up yesterday, yesterday my brother drove up, oh you're so kind, thank you, and there wasn't, we didn't have an extra banquet ticket so we didn't go to the banquet and then we came and were sitting in the room and I walked up as someone was trying to eject my brother from the ballroom because he had not attended the banquet and I was thinking I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family, oh thank you Jim, but I also was saying to Amy this morning would be a good time to be ejected from the meeting, that would work for me just fine, thank you very much, I want to welcome newer people here and this is the last day of the conference so if you're here I hope you're more comfortable, but maybe you're not, maybe you're uncomfortable and afraid, you know, I got afraid last night, I got afraid of doing this, I was like are you a weenie, you know my hand was shaking, I have 32 years of sobriety and I get afraid, but here's the thing for me, here's the miracle of AA for me or a demonstration of AA if that's a more accessible way to say it if you're new, I knew I would come here, I knew I would show up and that may not be a new freedom and a new happiness to some people in Alcoholics Anonymous, but it's everything to me, it is what Alcoholics Anonymous does for a person like me, AA has given me a power greater than me, AA is a power greater than me and what Alcoholics Anonymous has done at its most basic level is it has helped me survive myself and I am able to say no to my ego today, my ego I say no, you know it doesn't dictate to me, it's sitting on my shoulder right now drooling all over the place, but I say no to my ego, you know, and I say no to my ego by saying yes to Alcoholics Anonymous and by saying yes to Alcoholics Anonymous I have permission today not to drink, by saying yes to Alcoholics Anonymous I have a new freedom, you know it's a freedom from my defects of character determining the outcome of my life, it's a freedom from fear telling me what to do and I'm incredibly grateful for that, I knocked on the door of Alcoholics Anonymous just like you did and something knocked back and the people in AA are a part of that, but there's something more there for me and I don't really know what it is and I don't have to know what it is, I have responded to it, I respond to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't really know what this kernel of alcoholism that is still in me is either, this indissolvable, this cynical hard piece that's still, it's a dangerous thing in me this alcoholism, but you know in the body if there's a dangerous organism the cells of the body surround it and they attempt to encapsulate it, they attempt to prevent it from spreading, they contain it and to me that is one of the things that Alcoholics Anonymous is, you've surrounded me spiritually and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has contained my alcoholism, so if you're new here I would say to you that I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, don't misunderstand me if you're new, I'm not saying that I am cured, alcoholism is incurable and I have it, but what I am saying is that alcoholism itself has become a tool in my recovery thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism has become a reason for me to work this program and because I have done that things that were absolutely out of reach for me have taken place in my life and because I have done that I now do not have to use alcoholism as an excuse to drink, what I'm saying if you're new is that AA has arrested my alcoholism and I think
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that I'm here to tell you what AA gave me to do that, that's I guess what I'm doing
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in Erie, Pennsylvania, yes that's where we are, we're in Erie, Pennsylvania. So you know I'm going to talk about what I used to be like a little bit, I would have said it in different ways than when I came into AA, AA has helped me understand myself and I'm incredibly grateful for that, I too like some of the speakers who shared felt so separate from people and it was a puzzling feeling and it was a haunting feeling, I'm an alcoholic who is tortured by loneliness because of that feeling and yet I find that I just lost my train of thought, what I found in AA was that I had never identified is what I'm saying to you, I identified in AA and if you're new you probably know that is for me anyway the first intangible and most important thing that occurred for me in Alcoholics Anonymous and that had never really happened in my life it turns out, I had never identified anywhere else that I was, I didn't identify in my family, I did not feel a part of in my family, my family were very nice looking people, they are and I was this tall skinny thing with buck teeth and scraggly hair according to a police report, you know so, funny to you, so I had evidence, I don't feel a part of my family and then like Bob D, I went to kindergarten and it got worse and if I had met Bob D in kindergarten maybe I would have married him then, I would have asked him to marry me and it would have saved me from a life of crime I guess but you know, kindergarten did not work out for me either, I think I peaked at 5 because I went to kindergarten and I encountered these things called people, a large group of people felt large to me and without a program I can't stand people, you know what are they for you know what I mean and they were looking at me, you know probably innocently but they were looking at me like you're looking at me and I guess I had an attack of self-centered fear is what happened to me and I became a mind reader in kindergarten because I felt I knew what they were thinking, I don't know what they were thinking but I felt I did and it seemed like it was probably something terrible that they were thinking, you know and there were too many of them to kill, you know what I mean and so kindergarten was terrible for me and then I joined what turned out to be a somewhat militaristic youth group called Girl Scouts and this was just my own experience of Girl Scouts in case this happens to be like the headquarters of Girl Scouts of America, I don't want you running me out of town, you know it just was my experience in Girl Scouts that it just didn't work out, Girl Scouts has this thing called they have merit badges, merit being the operative word and I'm in a hurry, you know I don't have time for that, you know so I would just pick the ones I liked and slap them on that little sash they give you and Girl Scouts kind of caught on to things when I started doing something funny with their cookie money and I don't know about you but I'll tell you this Girl Scouts took that very seriously, I took some heat for this and what ended up happening is it isn't exactly like Girl Scouts threw me out but they sort of uninvited me to be a Girl Scout and nobody took me aside that day and said you know this is the beginning of a fatal progression, every organization you join from here on in is going to uninvite you to be a member of that organization but you know cheer up because in about 10 years you're going to become an alcoholic and you won't give a damn, you know so that would have given me some hope, you know but nobody said that to me and that's exactly what happened. Everything that I participated in from that point on I could not feel a part of, I did not feel a part of and I could not remain in that.
I had a problem with church and there is nothing wrong with the church in which I was raised, I did not know that, you know I didn't know that. I am, I would say to you as an alcoholic I consider myself basically to be an ego in sheep's clothing, you know I feel innocent, I don't see what any of these problems have to do with me and it turns out with your help they all have something to do with me and I didn't know that. I am a person who, I can't
[00:10:02]
win with myself, I cannot wait to meet the next guy down the line to fall in love with him apparently so I can start hating his guts as soon as possible because that's always what would happen, you know. I pick men with open psychiatric files, you know, and if anyone is here that I dated or married, I'm sorry, you know, I had a part in it, you know and I'm a person that I guess I would say to you I over like people who under like me, you know, it's painful, it's just I have an uncanny knack for beating myself at my own game and I really don't know what game I was playing, it didn't feel like a game either, did it?
I mean it wasn't funny after a while and I joined a church, that didn't work out again because it wasn't the church's fault although I will tell you this, I felt like my life was your fault, you know, my inventory was 168 pages long, I think I hated everyone I ever met and I, every one of you sons of bitches, you know, you're going to pay. I did feel my life was your fault, I did blame that church, I blamed my parents, I blamed Girl Scouts, I blamed school, you know, when I think about this, I don't know if you had an alcoholic car and I don't know if you do this with your program, I compare, you know, AA is a spiritual program so that's an intangible and I have had difficulty understanding it so it's helpful to compare it to more concrete things. I had an alcoholic car, it had a broken windshield and my point with that is that when I would drive down the street and I would look at things through the windshield of this car, everything looked broken, you know, the sky looks busted, trees are busted, people are busted, it's all busted but there's only one thing that's busted, those things aren't busted, it's what I'm looking through and I was looking through this ego and my ego is busted and I did not know that, you helped me know that, you know, this is Alcoholics Anonymous and Bob talked about the ego also and Alcoholics Anonymous is an ego puncturing program and there is an official ego puncturing tool in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's a hospital sterilized, what is it, stainless steel I guess, reinforced, it's sanctioned by world services, it's known as the big book, you know, and this is the thing that you offered to me to get myself right sized and this is necessary for me.
I don't know what your ego is to you but mine is macho, ferocious, has a mustache, you know, and I cannot beat that ego and when I look back on my life, you know, using the tools of Alcoholics Anonymous, we do inventories if you're new and my life was like this spiritual crime scene, you know, and Alcoholics Anonymous helped me categorize it with this very powerful spiritual tool that is the program and I came to see things differently and if you think you have never seen me before because I'm from Southern California, the fact of the matter is or my feeling about it is that Alcoholics all have the same story, you know, the details are different is all, it's the same deal for all of us, we all hit a bottom but it's that same terrible bottom, hopefully, those of us here have hit a bottom, not a lot of us do and that is true and that is something the other speaker said too. So, I did not do well in this church and AA is not a religious program, AA is spiritual but it gave me a problem with the idea of God and I'm one of those people that wanted to leave God behind, that's what I do, I take geographics, suicide is a geographic, I have taken suicide, I'm not good at suicide, I'm not good at anything and I'm not good at suicide either, you know, I am from California and we have earthquakes there and on a really bad day, I'd like park under a bridge and you know, just wait, just very lame, you know, I'm very lame and I remember one day, I felt absolutely so terrible that I overdosed but it was like no dose, you know, so we're still waiting and it's, it is funny to me now, you know, I have lived to the other side of myself, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're new, I took myself so seriously, I took myself so seriously, I actually killed myself and what I have come to understand about me is all of those people that I mentioned in my inventory that I All of those people that I mentioned in my inventory that I hated, all those people that I felt had harmed me, and it turns out I'm the most dangerous person in my life.
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It is me. It is no one else. No one else on that inventory killed me. I'm the one. And that gave me a pause. You know, I used to think I had trust issues, and I work a program with people today, and they say they have trust issues, and it almost makes me laugh like a hyena, because the fact of the matter is they just haven't met themselves yet, you know. I'm here because of me. That is why I am here.
And so I thought I had all these problems. I remember coming into Alcoholics Anonymous thinking, if only. I don't know if you had the if only refrain, but I had the if only refrain. You know, I remember coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, and my mother had been kind enough to give me a car that had just been sitting around, and I hated that car. I hated that car because it wasn't cool, and what I was bringing into my life when I came into AA, as was possible for me to do, was trying to look good.
Money, property, and prestige. I had very little of it, but I sought that. And I remember thinking in AA, you know, if I had a cooler car, I wouldn't have to be here if things had turned out differently. And I don't know what the cars are like of people in AA here, but in Los Angeles, there's some pretty cool cars people are driving in those meetings. And so it made me go, wait a minute, what are they doing in Alcoholics Anonymous? I remember thinking if only I had been loved enough, I wouldn't have to be in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And then I met people in AA, like Bob, who were very loved as children. So what are they doing here? I remember thinking if I had a relationship that stuck, I wouldn't have to be in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I came in Alcoholics Anonymous, and there were married people. So what are they doing here? I was a model before I got sober. I called it modeling. I don't know what you would have called it. And I remember saying to myself, if only I got a Vogue cover, I wouldn't have to be here.
And I walked in Alcoholics Anonymous, and there were girls who had been on a Vogue cover in the meetings in LA. And so what are they doing here? And one by one, it backed me up into a place where you helped me really know it's a spiritual malady. This is me. I cannot outrun myself. I cannot outrun my ego. And it is Alcoholics Anonymous that has made it possible for me to do that. And so I had a problem with God in this church.
And as I said, it's not a religious program, but I'm going to tell you a religious story because it influenced me tremendously. The impact of it was something I brought into AA. It was an old idea, and it was capable of killing me, as all of my old ideas are. And it is because you as an alcoholic approached me about this that I was open-minded. Maybe I didn't look open-minded, but I was listening, you know, as you would talk about these things.
And in this story, it talked about there was a person named God, and God created the world, and it was good. And if this is part of your religious practice, which is an outside issue in AA, but if it is, this is no offense to you. I'm just telling you something that formed my early thinking around this topic. And there was one person who did not feel that it was good, and this person reminded me a lot of myself.
I identified with this person. It was the wrong person to identify with in this church. Defiance was their outstanding characteristic, and they were so annoying to other people that they ended up being thrown out of the bar, if you will. They ended up in a place alone, and it was called hell. And I thought this person had been kind of railroaded and scapegoated, you know, and it was a weird thing. It was a secret, and a couple other speakers have talked about secrets.
I knew that would not be a popular point of view in my church, you know, and I'm a self-centered person as an alcoholic. It says that in the book, too, if you're new. I don't know what that means to you, but in my case, what that means is I figure it out. I don't ask you for help. I'm going to work it out myself. And the way that I worked it out is originally I had wanted to know this person, this powerful person that in six days created the world.
And as a kid, that was exciting to me. And then it came to me that this person seemed to have a grudge against a distant relative of mine or something. And so they had a grudge against me. You know, I added it up that way, and I never checked my thinking because I don't share my thinking without a program. And so I ended up leaving, you know, another geographic. I left it behind. It wasn't resolved.
I never resolved it. And when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I remember I felt very subjugated by God, and I didn't want anything to do with that. And if you're new here, what I want to say to you is I've had a different experience of that in AA. I have found the word God was a placeholder. Somebody said to me, if it's an objectionable word to you, why don't you cover it up? You know, cover it up with a Post-it note or a piece of chewing gum or a stick of dynamite in the big book.
[00:20:05]
You know, just set it aside. And you said to me from your experience that God was simply something that helped, and that was different. And you said it's a higher power, and you pointed out to me that the book says the main purpose of the book is to find a power greater than yourself, and that is different than God, and it is not a theistic system. And so friends of mine, like Mike G., who just died with 40 years of sobriety, was an atheist.
It is accessible to all of us, and that's the purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new, we want to bring you along. We want to bring you along. There's room for us. It's broad, roomy, and all-inclusive. This is an incredible message for a person like me who feels disenfranchised. I was a spiritual stillborn, I think. I did not feel I had the right to be here. And Alcoholics Anonymous said the only requirement for membership here, Sia, is a desire to stop drinking.
And I satisfied that requirement. It didn't mean you had to like me. It didn't mean that you – it just – I got to be here, and that was such a relief in some part of me that I would admit. And I started drinking when I was 17 or 18, and I remember that I was afraid, and the reason I was afraid is because drinking was a problem in my family too. My father was an alcoholic. I love Alcoholics Anonymous for many things, but one of the things that I love Alcoholics Anonymous for is it says I'm the one who says I'm alcoholic, and my father said that he was alcoholic.
And I saw powerlessness in my father. I wouldn't have known that word, but I saw it. You know, in Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, we say, is a family illness. And I think Don mentioned, you know, it's not a spectator sport. That is absolutely true. You know, I found when the alcoholic goes in for a play, nobody in the family stays on the bench. You know, I saw my father lose almost all of his material possessions, and I know he did not want that to happen, and it was terrible to be – you know, to follow along with that.
I saw my father lose his place in the community. I grew up in a small town in Montana. My father didn't want that to happen. I heard people say things about my father. I know he did not want that to happen, and it happened to him. And I remember taking this drink, and it was just at a local college watering hole. It was a beer, you know, big deal. I remember taking this drink. I remember waiting to see if I was going to, like, lose everything like my father, and that didn't seem to happen to me.
But something else happened to me, and I don't know if it was really the first sip or the middle of the glass or the bottom of the glass or the bottom of the pitcher, but somewhere along the line I had this thing happen to me. The book talks about as the effect produced, among other expressions. And what that effect for me was, that feeling, it's actually obsession, the obsession of the mind whose tracks or which tracks were laid before I ever had a drink, that obsession of the mind all of my life that I did not fit in, that power cord that was incompatible.
I don't know if you've ever taken an American hairdryer to Europe. I'm the American hairdryer, useless in Europe. You know, you can't plug it in anywhere. And that was me, and that was me all of my life, walking around with this thing with nowhere to plug in, and it made me mad. I don't know what it did for you. I was so mad. I remember one of the people I was married to said to me, I think you're the angriest person I ever met, to which I replied, that makes me angry, you know.
Yeah, I'm just a one-note Charlie, but I had this beer, and the effect produced was that obsession to find some place, to be some place, to be okay in some place was gone. It was gone, and was something that drove me all of my life to have something remove that from me. I don't know about you, but I'm going to get my hands on that as often as I can. And that is what I did. And, you know, I have an allergy to the body and an obsession of the mind.
And what I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is anybody who drinks too much gets drunk. That's not necessarily alcoholism. What happened to me, I think, is a spiritual accident. That's the effect produced. It's not supposed to happen, what drinking did for me. And in my case, getting drunk was a side effect of this something that I pursued. And I began to take these geographics I mentioned to you. There's a lot of reservations in Montana.
And I began to drink on these reservations. And the reason that I drank on these reservations, for one reason,
[00:25:02]
that's not good English, but you know what I mean, is that I could drink on the reservations and people weren't calling my family and reporting in about my atrocious behavior, I guess. But the other reason, which I didn't understand until I came into AA, is people on the reservations were significantly different from me. And this was a tangible reason why I felt different. And this made me comfortable.
There was a reason I felt different. I wasn't crazy. I didn't have to think about that. And that was a very important feature in my drinking. And so I was taking geographics, and then I started having what I call assisted geographics. And I named them because they started happening to me quite a bit. An assisted geographic is where somebody starts helping you pack before you're ready to leave, you know.
And the first person that assisted me in this fashion was my own mother. I don't know what happens for you when you drink, how you articulate it. We're alcoholics. It's a similar thing. But in my case, when I have a drink and I get this monkey off my back, I feel hope is what happens when I drink. And I want to ride that feeling to the end of the line. And I will stay out all night. And I stayed out all night, and I came home in the morning, and one of my brothers, not the one who was here yesterday, my other brother, took me to task for arriving in the morning.
And, you know, we got in a fist fight is what happened. And my mother got caught between us. And what I didn't understand at that time, because I am a self-centered person, my parents had separated recently. And, you know, what I understand today is I think my mother probably felt like her life was over. You know, she's in a small town. She has all these little children. And my parents separate. My father had a drinking problem.
And then there was me. And it was just a tipping point. It was too much. And I know now my mother was not happy. She probably agonized over that. But my mother asked me to leave. And, you know, I have this allergy to the body and obsession of the mind. And when I think about that, if you're new, it's something I had to wrap my head around. And I want to refer to it because I have an allergy to other things too.
You know, I have an allergy to penicillin. And what I know about penicillin is I am never going to score another shot of penicillin in this lifetime, you know, unless there is some misunderstanding in a medical facility somewhere. But I will drink again. I absolutely know that is true if I am not an Alcoholics Anonymous. Because if I don't have enough time to tell you in detail, this is my third time in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And it is because I did not embrace this program. It is because I underestimated my alcoholism. Obsession of the mind is the difference. I have obsession of the mind with this allergy. And so now I'm taking another geographic and I'm drinking in California. Actually, I said to myself I was drinking in Beverly Hills. And that's the part in the book that's called Whistling in the Dark. And what that means for me, if you're new, is that I already was uneasy about my drinking and the things around my drinking.
And so I was dressing it up to myself. And I was saying, you know, I'm drinking in Beverly Hills because that sounded pretty good to me. And I probably drank in Beverly Hills for five minutes at the bus stop, you know what I mean, on my way downtown. And way down past Western is where I ended up drinking. And if you know Los Angeles, that's way down. I ended up drinking at a place called The Good Night.
It wasn't, okay. But what The Good Night offered me is, again, it was a place. I had no business being in that bar. It was kind of a tough bar. But, again, I felt this. There was a reason I felt different. And that was incredibly comforting to me. And I still had a little money. I could buy my drinks. People bought me drinks. I was a young woman there. And there was another young woman who drank in that bar too.
And it was at this time that my drinking took a turn. And what happened was simply this. This other young woman's name was Debbie. And one night, one of the two of us ended up with her head blown off in the vacant lot behind the building this bar was located in. And I don't know what your drinking looked like. I don't know the level of violence that was in your drinking. That was not typical of my drinking, and it frightened me.
It frightened me because Debbie and I were a lot alike. When I drink, another feature of my drinking is I often am given important information about you, which I need to share. And you're usually not thrilled by sharing it with you, but I insist on doing that. And Debbie and I were like that. I have a big mouth when I drink. And what I understood is that it could have easily been me. And so what I started to try to do at this time is And so what I started to try to do at this time is I started to try to control my drinking.
I said stuff to myself like, you know, why don't you back off of it a little.
[00:30:03]
Maybe you've had more than your fair share. You know, why don't you ease away from it. And so I started to have a period of, I guess, spiritual claustrophobia with myself, you know. And what was shocking to me is I said these things to myself and I didn't stop drinking and I didn't slow down on my drinking. Maybe my drinking even accelerated. And I realized that I was drinking without my own permission, you know.
I realized I was drinking behind my own back. And that was a terrible thing to see. It was like my life was going on without my permission. And where is it going to end, you know. Didn't you ask yourself questions like that. Around this time I was also burglarized. But like I didn't notice for a couple weeks. Come on, you know, who lives like that. And so I was talking to myself like that. And it became very uncomfortable.
And the linchpin of that whole time was that I happened to be looking out of the window one day of the building where I lived. And I noticed a man walking down the sidewalk. And it was like around dusk. And I guess I'm lucky I looked out of the window. Or as some people here say, is it a coincidence or, you know. And the reason I say I was lucky to be looking out the window is because this man was carrying a shotgun.
I'm from Montana. I know a shotgun when I see one. And the reason I'm lucky again is because he crossed the street into the courtyard of the building where I lived. And walked up the stairs to my door. And because I had seen him, I didn't open the door. But I didn't know what to do, you know. And I remember standing on my side of the door trying to wait him out, wondering if he discharged the weapon, if it would penetrate the door, if it could still kill me.
And I just didn't know what to do. And it just wasn't my night. I guess it wasn't my night. It was Debbie's night. It wasn't my night, you know. And I heard him leave. I heard him go down the stairs. And, you know, I really wanted some help now. You know, we want help. And I don't know how you ask for help. I don't use English. I don't ask a question. I'll say things like, you think I drink too much.
You don't like me. I don't ask, you know. And shortly thereafter, though, I was looking through a newspaper. And in the community service section of the newspaper, there was help. It said, Alcoholics Anonymous. It said that we hold hands here and we pray. And that we don't drink anymore. Something pretty corny, I remember thinking. But I'll tell you what else I thought as night follows day. I want to go.
You know, I needed help. I want to go. And I remember going to this meeting, and it was a daytime meeting. I remember that. I don't think it was a speaker meeting. There was a nice woman there, and she offered to sponsor me. I didn't know what that was. I didn't ask. I don't ask. And all I can tell you is I must have walked through this Agent Orange spirituality that is Alcoholics Anonymous that I do not understand.
I say that to you because I sat in that meeting for an hour, an hour and a half. I didn't know the steps. I didn't know the traditions. I didn't have your book. I walked out of that meeting, and about an hour later, bam, that obsession to drink, the one you wake up with and you start talking to, the thing you make plans around that never work out, that I'm not going to drink today. Okay, how about if I don't drink till noon?
How about if I just – none of those things. They don't pan out. Those things. And that obsession was gone. And I said to myself, maybe this is what people in church meant by God. Maybe this is what God is. I had an experience of something is what I'm telling you. It wasn't something that I was taught. It was something that happened to me. And I guess I've been kind of looking over my shoulder ever since.
But here's the unfortunate thing about that. I did come into Alcoholics Anonymous thinking I had a drinking problem. And if you're here and you think you have a drinking problem, AA works very well for that. But as it happens, because I thought I had a drinking problem, my problem was solved, right? So what do I need you for? And I said something to myself, you know, like if something comes up, I'll be right back because that's how I operate.
And interesting, about two weeks later, something came up, as a matter of fact. And what came up was that I got a resentment. And a resentment is given a fair amount of attention in our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're new. It says something like a resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else. And that's an incredible thing to say. Either that's the biggest whopper I've ever heard or it's true.
And you know what I have found, if you're new, that book is true. What I want to say to you is before I ever got my hands on that book, I was choking it down one page at a time.
[00:35:03]
It was a chaser for every drink I took. And that book has turned out to be my autobiography. And maybe it can be yours. You know, it is a spiritual legacy that awaits you if you choose to be part of Alcoholics Anonymous, if you identify here. And I lost my train of thought again. I'm sorry. And so I had this experience. And then I had this resentment. And I got this resentment against this other person.
And you know what, they were probably fine. But what happened to me is I got so angry at them that I drank. I can drink through a pink cloud. That's what some of us call that experience that I had in the book. And so the book can have a happy ending or it can be a tragedy, this book of ours. In my case, it's turned out to be kind of a comedy, you know. But I drank. And then I was out there for a long time, felt like a long time to me.
I was out there for seven years. What I understand today in this sobriety is that if I get a resentment against you, I just became willing to die over your problem. And you know what, I'm not willing to pay that price. I brought some things into Alcoholics Anonymous. I came here defensive and guarded even though I needed help. I remember wondering what do you mean my part, you know. And I threw down with somebody in AA some things that happened to me as a kid.
And I said something to you like there was a neighbor that we had that did things with me that people aren't supposed to do with children. And that happens to a lot of children. And I threw that out to Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, the thing that would help me I wanted to discredit. I would say things to myself like maybe they call it AA because they can't spell. You know, capital A, small l, small c, you know, just like that.
And I remember saying, you know, okay, so this happened to me. What's my part in that? And what you said to me is, Sia, your part in that is to let it go. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous does. It enables us to let go of our obsessions. And that resentment is a form of obsession of the mind. With an alcoholic like me, obsession of the mind and those defects of character are lethal. And you said to me you're responsible for recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
You said to me that what happened to me was that I was innocent. And my job was to let go of it, not to pitch a tent over it and, you know, pour cement and build a foundation. That that thing did not have to be the totem of my life. That this was not my problem. This was this person's problem. And that if I continued to resent them, I would be bound to them for the rest of my life. And I had never thought of it that way.
And you helped me from your own experience, these things, these secrets that I had. And I was able to divest myself of them. But I didn't have that information that day. And I drank. And I tried to come back to AA, but I didn't have your book. I tried to come back to AA, but I couldn't get that thing to happen for me again. And it says in the book that there is a spiritual experience of the educational variety.
And that is what I have had. And I didn't have that information. And I didn't seem to have the power to stay here. And I drifted out of the door. And I ended up in Europe. And I ended up in London. And that's where I was a model, as I call it. And I lost my job modeling because I stay out all night. And I stayed out all night. And I showed up. And I looked, I'm sure, pretty bad. I don't know what these people's problem was.
But they went ahead with this job. They took the pictures. I saw the pictures. I looked like an alcoholic. You know, my face was bloated. My eyes were bloodshot. Not a vision for you, right? And I don't know what kind of alcoholic employee you were. But I'm a terrible alcoholic employee. You know, I walk down runways with dresses on backwards. I walked out of my shoes, you know. And there's not too many times you can say I'm having a bad day.
You know, they just don't go for it. I don't know about you, but I get an attack of self-centered fear. And then that fear, I guess, has opposable thumbs. And it goes through the zoo. And it opens up all the cages of all the defects of character. Pride, envy, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, sloth. And then there are, you know, I'm fighting for my life now. And I don't have time to go to work. Sorry, employer.
I don't have time to be helpful to my mother. Sorry, mom. I can't help you out today. Can't take care of the kids today. You know, I can't show up for my life today. And my ego says stand back. I'll handle this. And the next thing you know, I'm fired. Or I'm single again, you know. And none of that works. And I don't know what to do about it. And so my employer had had it with me.
[00:40:01]
And they said get out, you know. And almost in the same second, the Bank of England called. And I was a little overdrawn at the bank, as can happen for us, right. And I thought I had a lot of money. And that's how my life would add up. The spiritual math was so off. I didn't know what was going on, you know. And, you know, it says God is everything or God is nothing. And, you know, God is everything to me when there's nobody else to call.
And that day there was a woman who had broken her anonymity to me that was in that industry. And I called her. And she took me back to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did a little more this time, but I didn't do enough. And I say that to you because I got into the demand type of sobriety rather than the request type. You know, I got a timetable, like with Girl Scouts. I don't have time to merit it. Give, give, you know.
And I got mad at Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's time for a geographic. And I quit. And now I'm at Gatwick Airport. And there is one who has all power. May you find him now. The book says that. And I guess that day his name was Gerald. And I don't know, but me and Gerald, we were at Gatwick Airport, you know. And he was buying tickets for us to leave. I was standing in line waiting for him. And I don't know some of the things you might have done to stop drinking.
I tried a few things. I thought a lot about it. I remember thinking at one time, I'm going to do something wrong and I'm going to go to jail. Because they make you stop drinking in jail. But then I thought about it a little more and I realized if you can't stop drinking, nobody can make you stop drinking. So apparently what they're doing in jail is, you know, they're interrupting you, which is kind of rude.
But this was no longer an option for me. But this day as I was waiting for Gerald, I feel like whatever higher power there is that I do not understand, he, she, it. You know, if you're new, God is anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous, just like we are. You know, everybody has their own idea of what this thing is. And that day what happened is that Gerald, suddenly these federales came swooping down on my higher power and they arrested him.
And they took him away. And what was more upsetting to me is they arrested the tickets, you know. And it's that part in the book, you know, take a trip, not take a trip. And I didn't have another plan that day. You know, sometimes we have plans and as we say in AA, sometimes they're doozies. I didn't have one. And so I reverted to type and I compromised my sobriety. And that is typical of me. I do revert to type.
But then I did something interesting. I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous. Why would I do that? I was mad at AA, right? And I thought about that for a long time. I had to think about that. I didn't understand myself. And it is finally that I came upon this understanding that what happened is that I had identified in AA, that somebody was talking like I'm talking here and the other speakers have spoken this weekend.
And that I recognized myself in them, that I drank like they drank and I felt like they felt. And I crossed that line understanding I was alcoholic. And what I'm saying to you is that Alcoholics Anonymous became my home. And I was in trouble. And I went home. That's what happened. And there was someone in the meeting that was a stranger. And I thought I would never see them again. And so I told them more than I normally would.
You know, I don't know about you, but I love to talk about myself without enough program. I remember a woman saying to me one day when I was new in AA, you know, shut up, Sia. I already know all about you, okay. If you're an alcoholic, that means that you're a liar and a cheat and a thief and a whore. You know, but cheer up. Yeah. Yeah. She said, but, you know, go in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because you'll be sitting behind a liar and a cheat in front of a thief and another whore and you never have to be alone again, you know.
And so I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous. I told this person more than I might normally do because I thought I would never see them again. And what they did is they wrote a phone number down for me and they said, you know, Sia, if you want to give six months of your life to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, maybe you could do it as Bill sees it, not as Sia sees it. And then he quietly walked away.
And I guess I would say when I think of this part of my story that it's that bit in the book, you know, we stood at a turning point and we asked God's protection and care with complete abandon. Or the unsaid thing is we don't, you know. And I have stood with people in that moment because you gave me your phone number and you said give me a call, maybe I can help you. And I've given people my phone number.
I've given people my phone number. to me that they can't and what I know because I have been here with you and I've come to
[00:45:01]
understand what real honesty is, I think AA calls it rigorous honesty, what I've come to understand is that's the wrong verb, the real verb is that you won't because what I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous, what I have learned in this I can't club as I call it is that AA comes down to my level, AA gives me the opportunity for the next step, that is all I need is the next step and that doesn't work out there maybe, I don't know about you, out there if I say I can't, out there if I can't make the car payment too many times they take the car, out there if I don't show up for work too many times I lose the job, out there if I don't show up for the relationship too many times you know they file and I came in AA and I don't really know how much I have changed, I am still a member of the I can't club, I still wake up in the morning in step one which is what I can't is to me, you know my ego brings me the morning cup of coffee and the dire tidings for the day you know and I have to rush out into the living room and power up to my higher power or I am not having a good day and so I'm in the I can't club and I walk in AA and I say I can't and another alcoholic turns to me and says I can't either, I can't but step two is we can or God can, whatever you can tolerate if you are new and then step three is let them you know and so what I could do is I could dial the phone, I can dial the phone you know I can do that, I can get in my car and go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can do that, I can get on a plane and come here and meet you and thank you for what you did for me, I can do that, I cannot stop drinking by myself today more than I could on my sobriety date January 30th 1983, that isn't possible for me and I'm grateful to know that terrible piece of information that is a life saving piece of information for me and so I dialed the phone that day and I spoke to somebody in Los Angeles and that was a hell of a 12 step call, I spoke to Clancy, I didn't know Clancy and what I think about when I think of this conversation is that part in the book with Dr. Silkworth where you know he says that he treated this man who should have been dead like us right and the guy recovered and he came back to thank Dr. Silkworth which is what you taught me and the thing was Dr. Silkworth said that he couldn't recognize the guy, he couldn't remember that he ever knew this person whom he treated but he said the guy's voice was brimming over with self confidence, he could kind of recall the voice and Clancy's voice had that quality, it had something for me, he said you know if you want to clean up your act maybe we can help you, I didn't know what he meant by that, you know what I'm saying and it was the only offer on the table is the thing so I didn't want to ask, I thought if this guy tells me something to do that I can't do, it's over, I couldn't think of anywhere else to go and so I just got on the plane and I went to Los Angeles you know on like bad out of hell airlines or something and I got sober in the Pacific group, one alcoholic yelling at another you know and yeah I love them you know to a man they said the same thing to me, they cut through that obsession of the mind and I will tell you about my first meeting and then I'm going to sit down because I don't want to run over here with our next fabulous speaker, not to imply I'm a fabulous speaker, I'm just, so you know the Pacific group put me up, I wouldn't be here without them is my feeling, they put me up, somebody gave me a ride to the meeting that night, it's a Wednesday night meeting was the meeting I remember and I walked in that meeting and there's many people there, many more than here and I was new and it felt like every person ever born or something you know it was terrible, it felt like kindergarten and they didn't look like alcoholics to me and what happened was I just had an attack of self-centered fear is what happened and I reverted to type again and I went out of there you know that was my feeling and the person who came with me realized I was having a little psychotic episode there and they said to me you know look just you're here already you might as well stay to the end of the meeting and you know they'd given me a ride and I felt so cornered because I had to stay, I didn't have a way out and I remember sitting through that meeting and I just couldn't wait for that meeting to be over you know restless, irritable, discontented and at the end of the meeting I got up to shoot out that door and this guy stopped me in my tracks
[00:50:01]
and he said you know how would you like a coffee commitment and I felt like saying to this guy how would you like me to kick your ass you know and pardon me but you know there it was and I'm going to tell you what my resume looked like at that point in my life you know I lost my job from drinking, I had lost jobs, I had been disowned by my family at that point, I had been uninvited to one entire country, thank you very much, I had some other things going wrong, as I said the spiritual math was off, the thing that bothered me the most at that time in my life was the fact I happened to be married to two people at the same time you know I mean it's hard to explain it's like not a high number, see a 1-2 would you lose count you know and it's hard to treat it as an accounting error you know so that bothered me, it bothered me because I felt crazy and I don't want to feel crazy, I want to feel self-reliant and I am not self-reliant, the book says self-reliance failed us and I am an example of that you know just like with resentments there should be a picture of me next to that paragraph about resentments in the book and anyway with all of those things going against me I heard myself say to this guy I can't take the coffee commitment because I am only going to be here two weeks and I would love to ask that person that I was where are you going, you know where was I going, I couldn't think of anywhere to go, I am probably lucky there probably were places but I couldn't think of them, not anymore and it doesn't look like much of a thing I will tell you if you are new, the guy said to me without missing a beat well okay take it for two weeks and you know I couldn't come up with a lie fast enough and I just felt so screwed you know exploited all those kinds of words come to mind and if you are new I don't know if that looks like anything to you but that was a spiritual transaction that is one of those great things will come to pass moments in Alcoholics Anonymous for me because you know what that is, that is the $100 word in Alcoholics Anonymous for my money, that is the unicorn of Alcoholics Anonymous for me it is a surrender, I needed a surrender and that is what that was, I couldn't think of a lie, I couldn't think of another place to go, all my little alcoholic tools just stayed in their little belt, I couldn't say it and it was the making of me you know and it was a very uncomfortable moment you know we were talking about desperation here it is such an important gift in Alcoholics Anonymous, this program is a paradox, desperation is a badly wrapped gift I think but a very important one in AA and I guess I would equate surrender to drowning is what it felt like to me, I am an excellent swimmer and I underestimated the situation just like I underestimated my alcoholism and I was drowning and it is an instinctive thing that your body will fight, it doesn't matter what kind of mood you are in, the body fights you know and my body fought and fought and fought and I was trying to get some air there and it just didn't happen and then it passes a certain point and the body just shuts down and then I guess you just drift down and it is over and that is what was happening to me and then suddenly out of nowhere there was something to stand on and I could get my head above water and I could get some air, you know Alcoholics Anonymous is my oxygen tank, somebody else mentioned that and that is the 12 step call that you paid on me and I think my time is up and thank you very much for having me.