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Source: Butch M – From Ontario, Canada – Date Unknown.mp3 File: butch-m-from-ontario-canada-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:59:12
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In introduction for the speaker, all the speakers I thought were excellent, and I was touched by all of them, in one way or another, and the speaker, Flo, gave me a meeting in your pocket thing, and I was reading it, and it said Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place where strangers can come and reminisce. I didn't do that with our speaker this morning, but I do believe that we share that bond, and that holds us together, and I'm glad we share that bond, and I don't know his story, but I know Butch for the simple fact that we are alcoholic, and I would like to introduce my friend, Butch.
Thank you, buddy. My name is Butch M., I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. And I want to thank John for the invitation for D&I to come here and spend the weekend with you and be part of your conference, and to thank the committee. You know, I know that you don't have selfish alcoholics in Erie, Pennsylvania. I know that. But in Canada, we have a lot of selfish alcoholics. And I don't know about you, but it's very easy for me to come to these conferences and conventions and come here and listen to wonderful leads all weekend long and have a beautiful banquet dinner and a dance and visit with folks and have a wonderful weekend, and at the end of that, get drunk.
Get in my car and drive home, and sometimes forget all the hard work that's been done on our behalf, because these things just don't materialize. They just don't pop together. There's been people all year long who've got together and taken time out of their lives to plan and organize this thing. There's been people all weekend long who've sat out at that registration desk and gave up their weekend, and to sell the coffee and stuff and that, so that you and I could come here and have an incredibly wonderful weekend, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service that you've done to put this on for us. You've done a great job.
I am a guy who's always been much more impressed by what I see you do than what I hear you say. I've always had the ability to sound better than I really am, including this morning, but I've been incredibly impressed by what I've watched you do over the time, and that's what touches my heart. I love coming to these things. I always have. I love going to AA and to conferences and stuff, and I have a deep love in my heart for the old-timers. I love the countdown last night, a deep, deep love in my heart for the old-timers, men and women who've been coming for 20 and 30 and 40 and 50 years, who've made sacrifices and commitments so that this thing would be here for people like me and my friend.
I love them from the bottom of my heart, and if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, I would urge you to get close to these men and women and learn from their experience, because we're not going to have them with us forever. And my sponsor was an old-timer in Alcoholics Anonymous. He came to Alcoholics Anonymous on July the 17th, 1958, and he was an active member until he passed away. And one of the great joys in my life, he and I were extremely close, and one of the great joys in my life was he took me with him everywhere he went.
He traveled a lot in AA, and he took me all over to the place. Some of the buzz that I know here, that's how I met him and some of the other folks in the room, and it was a great joy in my life to travel with him. And after I was sober for a little while and would get asked to come up to the front of one of these rooms and take part and do something, he knew how nervous I would feel before getting up here.
And he would sit beside me in the meeting before my name was called, and he'd rub my back. Aww. And he'd say, I know it doesn't feel like it, kid, but I'm with you every step of the way. And I'd get up to the front of one of these rooms and look out, and there he'd be sound asleep in his chair. And we'd drive home, and he'd say, that was a nice talk. I'd say, thanks, Bobby. But it is good to be here. I've enjoyed all weekend long a lot of the folks that I know, Bobby and Lyle I know, and got to meet some wonderful new friends here this weekend.
We were having breakfast and talking, and it was just mentioned that we can, it's an incredible thing sometimes, I don't know about you, can maybe overlook it or take it for granted. But we can come to these things and go into a room for some breakfast and sit with some folks that we've never ever met before, and then 15 or 20 minutes later, it truly feels, and we will talk in a way like we've known each other for years.
Incredible gift. And it's great for me to come here, as we were just talking with my friend here, and Bobby mentioned it on Friday night about your dear friend and active member Butch Pius here.
[00:05:06]
And I was touched when I was asked to come because I talked with Butch the weekend he passed away in Canada, and got to know him, and what a wonderfully kind and gentle man, reminded me very much of my sponsor and my dear friend Ed Mutem. And so it's really, I'm honoured to be here. It is a privilege for me to be here, and I don't say that because it sounds nice. I don't say it because I need you to like me. I say it because I mean it from the very bottom of my heart.
I'm a guy who considers it a privilege to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a guy who considers it a privilege to come here and be with you fine folks, so I want to thank you for that as well. When I say that I'm happy to be here, I truly am happy to be here because alcoholics don't always get where they're going. Drinking alcoholics seldom get where they're going, but sometimes even sober alcoholics don't get where they're going. I want to quickly share with you what I mean by that.
Let me just say this to you. There was a time in my life I was not allowed in the United States of America. Let me add, nor should I have been. They said, we have enough people like you here already, we don't need to import them. And I applied to the United States Department of Justice for a waiver that would allow me to come into your great country, and I believe it is a great country. And I applied for this, and I have it up in my room right now. It's a beautiful piece of paper. The United States Department of Justice has my name on it.
It allows me to come into the USA on humanitarian grounds. I don't even know what that means. But I have it there, and every time I come here, I've got to show that. My wife just loves traveling. We get to that border, and they drive my car over, and we get two in front of us and two behind us, and they escort us in and have a discussion with me for a bit. She says, I feel like a movie star. And the other thing is that when I come here, they want to know where I'm staying. They just don't want to know that I'm coming to Erie, Pennsylvania, or they want to know precisely the address where I'll be at.
I don't know why, but they seem to want to know. And so that's the deal. Now, when I got that thing, I don't know about any of you people, but I, from time to time, can misplace things. So I made 25 photocopies. Just in case. And I'm going to a thing in Illinois sometime ago, and I get up in the morning, and I'm getting all my gear. I like to travel early Friday morning. I want to be here. I want to be a part of the convention.
I don't come here to talk. I'm not an AA speaker. And I'm going to be very pleased to say that I haven't heard a single AA speaker all weekend. What I've heard is members of Alcoholics Anonymous who are grateful for the grift of sobriety and who are just as happy to come here. And who are just as happy to come to Erie, Pennsylvania and share their story or make coffee at their home group. That's what I've heard.
So I like to come and be part of the convention. I like to travel early Friday. And I get up, I get all my gear together, I'm going to go. I couldn't find my waiver. I said to my wife, where's my waiver? Like, it's her job to know where my waiver is. She said, I don't know, Butch. It's wherever you've put it. I said, no, it's not. You've lost it. She said, take one of those photocopies and get going.
You're going to miss your flight. So I get that and I go, I get to the airport. Please don't misunderstand what I'm about to say. Our custom agents, our border patrol do a wonderful job protecting our borders. God bless those men and women. But I think when they go to custom agent school, they teach them how not to smile. Serious people. And I get there and I go there and I get the stuff and I give the guy my passport and all that.
And I hand him the waiver and he looks at me and says to me, he says, what are you, a criminal? I said, well, perhaps you might have said that at one time. He said to me, he said, this is a photocopy. I said, yes, sir. The original is at home for safekeeping. Lies just fall out of my mouth. I didn't need to think about that. I need to think about the truth. Lies just come rapid fire. Natural. I said, yes, sir.
He says to me, he says, you can't travel on a photocopy. He said, you have your I-94 form. I pull out this form. He says, that's the wrong form. I thought, this is not shaping up well. He said, go over there, fill out the right form, and you've got to go see somebody because you cannot travel on a photocopy. I thought, I'm not going to Illinois today. So I go over there, I fill out the form, but I got one of those keen alcoholic minds that we only hear about from alcoholics.
I can assure you, you will not hear about the keen alcoholic mind in the Al-Anon meeting going on right now.
[00:10:04]
For sure. And I wait until his line's full, and I see a man, a more gentle-looking man like Lyle. And I go to his line. And I give him all my gear, my stuff. He said to me, I give him the stuff. He said, where are you going? I said, I'm going to Illinois. He says, what's your purpose of business? I said, I'm going to talk at a conference, Alcoholics Anonymous. Where are you staying at? I forgot to get the address.
I said to him, I don't know, sir. He said to me, you don't know where you're going? I said, no. I said, but it's okay because somebody's going to pick me up at the airport and take me there. He says to me, who's picking you up at the airport? I said, I don't know. He said, let me get this straight. Somebody you don't know is picking you up, taking you somewhere you don't know where you're going. I said, yes, sir, that's right.
He says to me, you don't know where you're going? He says to me, what did you say you're going to do again? I said, I'm going to talk at a conference, Alcoholics Anonymous. He says to me, what are you going to talk about? And before I could say anything, he looks at me and puts up his hands and says, hold it. You don't know. So I'm happy to be here this morning. On September the 21st, 1989, two men came to my mother's house practicing Alcoholics Anonymous in its purest form.
Two men came to my mother's house. That should tell you something right there. Somewhere every 33-year-old self-respecting alcoholic should be. Two men came to my mother's house practicing Alcoholics Anonymous in its purest form. Two men came to my mother's house and talked to me about their drinking. They did not talk to me about my drinking. They did not tell me I should stop drinking. They did not tell me I should go to AA treatment.
They didn't tell me nothing. Two men came to my mother's house and talked to me about their drinking and told me what had happened in their lives since they came to something called Alcoholics Anonymous and would I like to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous with them. I had been on the street since I was 13 years old. I was a hopeless, helpless, chronic alcoholic. And those two men came to my mother's house that night, took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I've been with you ever since.
I don't know how to explain that to you. I don't know what to tell you about that. That was just my experience and I'm grateful for it. Because I know that's not everybody's experience. A lot of people come to Alcoholics Anonymous, return to drinking and come back to AA. A lot of people come to Alcoholics Anonymous a number of times and return to drinking and come back to AA. Some people come to Alcoholics Anonymous, return to drinking and never come back to AA.
But that was my experience and I am deeply grateful for it. The other thing is that I'm very grateful for, I've liked coming here almost from that first meeting. Almost from that first night. I love coming to AA conferences and assemblies and services. I love listening to the story of an alcoholic. And the seedier the better. And again, I know that's not everybody's experience. A lot of people come to Alcoholics Anonymous and they don't like being here.
Some of them for a long time. But that was my experience. So I have no regrets since almost my first AA meeting. I really don't, other than one. I do have one regret. And that is that I didn't get to drink with some of you people. Because I don't know about you, but I've met some people around here I walked away from thinking, I'd like to have a little drink with that guy. We are a cast of characters here.
You couldn't make some of this stuff up. I went to an AA thing a number of years ago up in Sault Ste. Marie on the Canadian-American border. And I went there to talk a little thing. And I get up in the morning, Saturday morning, and I went out to get some breakfast. Picked up the local paper. I like to read about the community I've been invited to come to. Only seems fitting. And I'm having breakfast and I'm reading on the paper.
On the front page there's a little article on the paper. There was a man, they had arrested him, coming across the American-Canadian border, drunk on a stolen street sweeper. And my immediate thought was, I'd like to have a little drink with that guy. Anyway, we've got to get right. It's good to laugh. It's good to laugh. I was 25 years old and my wife had thrown me out of our home. And I want to tell you that I loved that gal as much as I was caring for her.
And I want to tell you that I love that gal as much as I was capable of loving anybody
[00:15:01]
at that time. I had a new address every night. I lived in the stairwells of apartment buildings in downtown Toronto on Eglinton Avenue. I just went from building to building. I had a new address every night. And at night time I was under that stairwell and in the day time I was like a rat in a sewer out on those streets looking to score, looking to scam, looking to rip somebody off to get the money I needed to get to do the things I needed to do.
I hear people in AA talk about AA luggage, matching green garbage bags. I didn't have any AA luggage. Had the clothes on my back. Still had an ultra suede jacket though. Gonna be cool at any expense. If I was any cooler I'd have froze to death. I'm 25 years old. I'm living in stairwells. I got the clothes on my back and nobody, nobody wants anything more to do with me. And let me add right now, nor should they.
Because alcoholics of my type are users and takers. I used and I take from everybody I come in contact with. Now it doesn't always appear that way because I want people to like me. I'm the guy in the bar buying the drinks for everybody. Everybody's friend. Good old Butch. The only reason I ever did anything for anyone was so you'd like me. Not because I care about you. I'm a user and a taker. And I'll tell you who I use and take from most.
The people who love me. My own family. The people who care the most about me. Because they love me so much they can't stop trying. One more time. One more detox. This time it's gonna work. And they keep giving and giving. And I keep taking and taking. Till eventually I break their hearts. And eventually the people who love me the most gotta push me aside. Because they can't stand to watch it any longer.
And that's where I was. I'm in the east end of Toronto one night. I'm all jacked up and nowhere to go as I said. My wife and I had a home in what they call the beaches down near the lakefront. And we had a screened in porch on that home and a couple wicker couches on it. And I thought I'm gonna slip in there and grab a couple hours and get out before she wakes up. Well I pass out. And I wake up to one of these.
And I opened my eyes and looked and there was that little gal that I loved. And she looked at me with disgust and pity. And she said Butch you're a useless piece of scum. And you are never gonna change. And if you cared anything about me at all you'd get up and get out of here. And please don't ever come back because I can't stomach to look at you. And I get up and I left there and it was July, August, I don't know.
But it was a hot, hot summer day. And I'm sick and I'm hungover and I'm dirty and I'm heart sick. And I walked down to what they call the boardwalk down on the lakefront. And I was sitting down there on a park bench in that condition. And over where you guys are sitting there was another park bench and there was a little boy five or six years old sitting on that bench eating a popsicle. And I looked over at that little boy and you know what I thought to myself?
Wish I had a dime for a popsicle. The big shot. The guy in the bar buying everybody drinks. Everybody's friend good old Butch sitting on a park bench wishing he had a dime for a popsicle. Nobody on the face of this earth wanting anything more to do with me. And here was the thought that I had at that moment as clear as I'm thinking right now. I knew that that park bench and places like it was where I was going to end back up every single time.
I've always been a talker and a hustler. I knew I'd put a deal together. I'd come up with some cash. I always did. But I knew at that moment that that park bench and places just like it was where I was going to go back to every single time. And I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was 25 years old. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 33. And I joined a group. And I got a sponsor. And I did the things you guys told me to do.
You know where I was a few years, a handful of years ago now? I was in Rome, Italy. Rome, Italy. Standing in the Sistine Chapel looking at the paintings of Michelangelo from 500 years before and the tears started to pour down my face. And I thought of that guy sitting on that park bench wishing he had a dime for a popsicle. It is a long way from that park bench to that Sistine Chapel in Rome. It is a long way from where the stories we've listened to all weekend long from where we were to where we came to.
It is a long way from where you and I sit this morning to where we were. Many of us, the dredges of society. Many of us, our families didn't want us around any longer. Yet here we sit this morning and this weekend, members of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon living good, rich, full, productive lives. How do we get from where we were to where we sit this morning? How does that happen for people like you and I?
Because it's not supposed to, is it? But you know how it happens, don't you? And it only happens one way and that is through the grace of God. Through the grace of God that we've been introduced to through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous. I am incredibly grateful to be here and to be a part of this whole thing.
[00:20:03]
I like to drink. I hear people at Alcoholics Anonymous. I think sometimes people in AA think it's sacrilegious to say they like drinking. I love drinking. I loved it. I started to drink at an early age. I hear people talk about dysfunctional families. Was my family dysfunctional? I have no idea. Let me just tell you it wasn't the Cleaver residents around my home. There was lots of parties in my home, lots of drinking in my home.
Always on a weekend there was a party. As a little boy they'd let me play bartender. Take away the beers. Take away the empties. They'd let me have swigs. And they'd say, isn't he cute? And I loved that attention. So I started to drink when I was four years old. Now I wasn't a daily drinker when I was four. No. My allowance wouldn't allow it. I actively sought out alcohol. I was 12 or 13 years old.
I got a guy to go into a liquor store, get us a couple bottles of wine. I was going to be a wine connoisseur. Two bottles of Old Sailor. That's comparable to what you call Thunderbird in your country. And I'll tell you any wine I ever drank had a cap, not a cork. We drank that wine, got drunk, puked, and passed out, and that was the end of my social drinking. All downhill after that. I hear people in Alcoholics Anonymous, maybe you hear this too, came to Alcoholics Anonymous hoping to learn how to be a social drinker.
Came to Alcoholics Anonymous hoping Alcoholics Anonymous is going to help them become a social drinker. I want to tell you this morning I didn't want to be a social drinker when I drank. I don't want to be a social drinker today. I don't particularly like social drinkers. I find them weird. You ever watch a social drinker drink? They let the ice melt in their glass. That's sick. That's alcohol abuse.
You ever drink with a social drinker? That's enough to make you puke. Isn't it? You're having a few scoots. Would you like another one? No? No, thank you. I'm starting to feel it. Really? I thought that's when you put it in overdrive. I'm a barroom drinker. I love bars. I love bars. I don't identify with closet alcoholics. It doesn't mean they're not alcoholics. They just drink differently than me.
I am a barroom drinker. I like opening the door to a bar. The smoke would billow out, the tinkle of glass, the smell of stale urine. I love it. I love those joints. And I've got to tell you, I love neon. I liked neon when I was drinking. I still like neon. That's why I stay out of those casinos. They're not good for guys like me. And I've got to tell you, I thank God I never tried to get sober in the United States of America.
I don't know if I'd have made it. God, I love to drink in your country. I love drinking here. You've got many more here than we have in Canada. I call them juke joints. You know those divy, little, scuzzy, rat hole? You've got a couple here in town. I spotted them. Beautiful. Beautiful little joint with a neon sign that says cocktails. I was going to an AA thing a number of years ago in Pennsylvania, a little town somewhere.
And I was driving there with my ex-wife. And I'm driving through this little town. And I'm going down the main street. I hammer on the brakes to my car. I back my car up. She said, Butch, what are you doing? I said, I've got to see this again. There it was, this divy, little, scuzzy joint. It had a neon sign. It said, Stop for one, stay till one. If I was drinking, I'd have had that tattooed on me.
Just a piece of art. I love that drinking. I love that lay. I loved it all. I'm not going to talk any more about my drinking this morning other than to quickly share with you what drinking does to and for an alcoholic of my type. It is important that we talk about our drinking and alcoholics. As Lyle alluded to that last night, for the purpose of identification. That is the greatest tool that we have in Alcoholics Anonymous.
That's what makes Alcoholics Anonymous work. One alcoholic identifying with another alcoholic. That's why Alcoholics Anonymous work for alcoholics. Other programs work for their problems. We have to have that identification. But I've come to believe in Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn't matter if I'm drinking Dom Perignon or Aqua Shave. It doesn't matter if I'm drinking in the Fairmont Hotel or under a bridge in a box.
It's what drinking does to me that's important. And that's what I quickly want to share with you. What drinking does to and for me. The things I'm going to share with you, I did not see this at the time. I saw it in inventory. I saw it as you took me back through my life and helped me see my life honestly. But today as I look back, I can remember being a young boy in school. Ten years old. Eleven years old.
I don't know. I'd be in that classroom sitting out there and a teacher would be up here and she'd ask a question. And she'd start looking around that room to see who she was going to ask to answer the question. And her head would go down like this. Oh, God, don't let her ask me. Because I knew if she made eye contact with me, she's asking me to answer the question. And I don't want to answer the question.
It doesn't even matter if I know the answer to the question. I don't want to answer the question. When I went to school, we used to have to do book report.
[00:25:00]
Get up in front of a whole classroom full of kids. Oh, no good. No good. Danny mentioned that yesterday. I'd get up in the morning and I'd say, Mom, I've been puking all night. I'm sick. I can't go to school today, Mom. I'm too sick to go. Please don't make me go. Because I want to tell you something. I would be absolutely terrified, terrified at the thought of getting up in front of that classroom full of kids.
Every decision I ever made in my life was based on fear. Most of it unfounded and ungrounded, but fear. Where I go, what I do, who I hang out with is all based on a comfort level. I don't know about any of you, but every now and then I'd get goofy. I'd go on about a five-day bender. I'd come home on a Sunday after a five-day run. I'd say to my wife, Sweetheart, no more. No more drinking ever again.
I swear to you, I swear on my Ma's life, I'm never having another drink. I'd wake up the next morning. I'd think to myself, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. I'd have to go to a wedding that following Saturday. You ever go to a wedding sober? That's a bad deal. That is a bad deal for me. I would be at that church sweating, thinking about that dance that's going to start in three hours.
I'm back at that reception, and that dance is going to start, and I don't have anything in me, and my hands are sweaty. I've got a knot in the pit of my gut, and I feel awkward and out of place, and it is horrible. I've got to do one of two things. I've got to get over to that bar and get a couple of drinks into me, or I've got to get out of there because I can't stand the way I feel. Every decision I make.
Do you want to know what kills an alcoholic like me? I think I'm afraid of nothing, and I'm afraid of everything. And I don't even know I'm afraid. We talk an awful lot in Alcoholics Anonymous about resentments. Tonight, let's discuss resentments. I prefer to call it hate. Now, I know you're not that sick and eerie, but in Canada, we are. Hate. I'm the type of alcoholic that I'd be out driving to my car.
I'm on the nod by now, and that light would turn green, and the guy behind me lays on his horn. Whoa. I almost go through the roof of my car. I want to get out of my car, go back there, open the door, take a tire iron, drag him out by the throat, and crack his skull open. I know most of you spiritual giants never thought thoughts like that. I'm sure you haven't. But I do. I'm not talking anger management here.
I'm talking rage. I'm talking a white rage that I don't have five minutes before, and I don't have five minutes after. But I have a rage inside of me that comes out every now and then, and I have absolutely no control over it. And I say things and do things to people I never wanted to say or do. And let me tell you who takes the brunt of my rage. It happens behind closed doors. The people who love me take the brunt of it.
Because, see, I'm the guy in the bar seeking everybody's approval. You see, I so desperately need your approval. So you don't display that. There, you keep it at home for the people's approval you already have. Lonely. I'm 25 years old. I'm staying at a subway platform in downtown Toronto on a Friday night, all jacked up, and a train pulled up and the doors opened, and a young couple my age got off that train holding hands and walked off into the night laughing and smiling.
And I looked at that couple, and, God, I felt sad. I thought, Why can't I be like those people? Why has all the trouble got to keep happening? I remember walking down a nice street on a warm summer's night. You know, you get that nice August night with that warm breeze, and it'd just be getting dark, and I'd walk down that street, and I'd see the nice homes. And I could see the television on inside and the families in there.
And I feel like crying. Why can't I just have a nice home and a family like other people? Why has all the trouble got to keep happening in my life all the time? From as long as I can ever remember, I was restless, irritable, and discontented. If I was at this bar, I'd say, Guys, drink up, let's go over to the other bar. If we're at this party, I'd say, Guys, drink up, let's go to that party. If I'm married to you, I should be married to her.
Never quite right. And I don't know about you, but I'll tell you, I'd get one of those double vodkas or whatever I was doing that day, and it was just like this. Oh. I don't know if you remember that or not. Here, here, it's like this. Here. Oh. I did that in a meeting one day. Two guys got up and left. They remembered the feeling. I'll tell you something. I have a few of those vodkas, and those sweaty hands would go away.
That knot in my gut was gone. The rage subsides, and the loneliness vanishes. And I walk into that wedding like I own the joint. And I am moving and grooving. And I'm talking to the ladies, and I'm sitting with my buddies, and we're drinking and snorting and carrying on. And at that moment, everything in my life is absolutely perfect. And the world is a much better-looking place. And my perception of reality changes.
And I get an immediate sense of ease and comfort. And that is why I drink whiskey, because I like the effects produced by it. Whiskey, because I like the effects produced by it, but I'm alcoholic, something happens to me that only happens out of one every ten people called a phenomenon of craving, and
[00:30:04]
I start drinking and I can't seem to stop and I end up drinking 60 ounces of vodka and I smash up my car, I go out after work for a few beers with the boys, I go on a five day bender, I lose my job, I tell my wife I'm going out for a loaf of bread, I run into Bobby, I come home six months later, my wife's leaving, I'm out there drinking, partying, carrying on, I don't want to stop, I got no money so I'm stealing yours and now I go to jail. And what everybody focused on in my life was the crashed cars, the broken marriages, lost jobs, going to jails, we looked at drinking, we never looked at alcoholism. And people told me from the time I was 18 years old, if I just quit drinking whiskey and sticking needles in my arms, I'd be okay. And there was times I wasn't drinking whiskey and guess what? I wasn't okay. I would love to stand up here tonight and tell you I woke up one morning, HFC was dying to lend me money, work was sinking and promoting me and my wife was sending me flowers. And I thought, I think I'll join AA today. Every now and then I hear some moron from the front of one of these rooms say things like, if you're not here for the right reasons, you might as well drink. And every now and then I'd like to get that tire iron back out. The right reasons? Did you come to Alcoholics Anonymous for the right reasons? I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I had nowhere else to go. One more time, my back was against the wall. My boss called me in to work on a Tuesday. He said, but you're a hard worker. I said, well, thank you. He said, but you're not here much. Picky, picky.
He said, do you think you might have a problem with alcohol? I said, no, but I know what the problem is. He said, maybe you'd share that with me. I said, it's my health. He said, really? I said, yes. Now, granted, my poor health may have something to do with my drinking. I'm going to quit drinking. My health's going to get better and it's going to be okay. He said, you think you might need some help quitting drinking? I said, no, I'm just going to quit.
Got up and left his office. It was to find out later his wife had been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for a number of years. Can you imagine the chuckle he had as I left? Oh, he's just going to quit. That was Tuesday. I woke up Thursday in another hotel room in another town drunk. I didn't keep him waiting long. And for whatever this morning I woke up, I knew the jig was up this time. I knew I'd used all the lies. As I said, alcoholics are liars. I'd sooner lie when the truth will serve me better. Pathologic. I'm the type alcoholic that goes out and plays golf all by himself and cheats on the scorecard. That's not the best part. At the end, I look at the card and go, good game, butch, good game.
So I used all the lies. I know I'm in trouble. I got to come up with something good. I had a few tequilas. I turned my mind to it and I thought, I know what I'll tell him. I'm alcoholic and I'm going to go to AA. And that's how I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And if there's anybody here this morning who's new and I know there was last night and hope there is this morning, we couldn't care less why you're here. We couldn't care less. We're just glad to see you. And maybe, just maybe by the grace of God, something someone will say, something you'll hear, something you'll read, and the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous can happen in your life and you can go on to live a happy and useful life like so many men and women here have been able to do. Just keep coming because we're glad to see you.
And I started coming to AA and I said in the beginning, a blessed man, deep love for the old timers. I've heard people in Alcoholics Anonymous say, you should never put people on pedestals. Well, you do what you need to do. But let me tell you something, I have some people in this program on pedestals, giants, giants of men and women. Never for a moment have I lost sight of their humanities. You want to know the greatest gift my sponsor ever gave me, the greatest thing Bob Dobson ever did for me, it wasn't some profound thing that he pulled out of the book, it wasn't some brilliant piece of wisdom. The greatest gift my sponsor ever gave me was he allowed me to see his warts. He allowed me to see him get afraid. He allowed me to see him get angry. He allowed me to see him get selfish.
He allowed me to see all of him because if he hadn't and you don't continue to, I will never measure up. We are much more brothers and sisters in our defects than we are in our virtues, aren't we? And I had some giants come into my life, none more than my own sponsor, Bobby Dobson. I've heard people in Alcoholics Anonymous say, if you like your sponsor, you have the wrong sponsor. I hear that and I know I'm listening to an idiot. I didn't like my sponsor, I loved my sponsor and I love my sponsor today. You see, you were the very first people who helped me understand what my problem was because I don't know about you but when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had no idea. I had no clue what it was.
Now I had been told what my problem was. A lot of people told me what my problem was. I've been told since I was 18 years old. My parents told me what my problem was. Police told me what my problem was. Courts, psychiatrists, doctors, all kinds of people have been telling
[00:35:02]
me for years, Butch, just quit drinking. You were the first people that said, kid, drinking is not your problem. It's your solution. How you feel when you're sober is your problem. You are restless, irritable and discontent and you have to drink again. Alcoholics like me, not drinking and not treated, eventually, and that's the key word, eventually, have to do one of two things. I don't have a choice. I have to do one of two things. Either blow my brains out or drink again. Most of us drink again. We all know someone who's paid the supreme price, though, don't we? You told me that I had lost the power and choice. I have to drink. That's what makes me alcoholic, that I have become powerless over alcohol.
And that, you told me, was what our program about and these 12 steps were about. You told me that what we have here is a set of principles that are spiritual in their nature. And if I would start to practice them as a way of life, not talking about them, analyzing and discussing, but if I would practice them as a way of life, would remove the obsession and get a load of this, allow me to live happily and usefully whole. What an incredible gift.
In all the mayhem that went on in my life and all the destruction and all the people's lives I ran over and through, all I ever wanted was to be okay. And you guys said that you had a design for living here, that you had a practical program of action that would allow me to live happily and usefully whole. Incredible deal. You told me that selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of my troubles. There was many visible problems. I didn't come to AA and go, my, my, my, but you haven't been a very nice boy. That was not news to me. I knew I was a lying, cheating thief. But you told me that underlying all of that was selfishness and self-centered, the root of my problems. And from that selfishness and self-centered came a hundred forms of fear and all my resentments, but all based in self. If you would have asked me the day coming into Alcoholics Anonymous, butch, what kind of a guy are you? You know what I would have said to you? I'm a swell guy. I'm a good man. And you could have hooked me up to a lie detector test and asked me that question and I swear to you, that needle would not have moved an inch because I believed that about myself. The reason that I believed that about myself was, is I always judged myself by my intentions. My intentions were always good. Unfortunately, the world and the universe judges me by my actions. My actions and intentions never went together. Selfishness and self-centered. And you told me there was no way of getting rid of that without God's help. You told me that Alcoholics Anonymous was a program of action. It's about starting to take actions and start to change my life.
And you told me those actions start small and they start to grow, but we start somewhere. You gave me the basic foundation in Alcoholics Anonymous. You told me what it meant to belong to a home group, to be a participating member in my group, not just come and sit and drink and coffee and leave, but being an active member. You encouraged me to read about our history, A.A. Comes of Age, Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers, pass it on. You said if you're going to spend your life in Alcoholics Anonymous, would you not like to know where you came from? Would you not like to know what was done on your behalf that this thing could be here? You encouraged me to read and start to understand our traditions. You told me that our traditions were as much a way of life as our 12 steps are and our 12 concepts.
And you gave me that foundation. You taught me those little things and the changes start. You taught me things like we want you to come to your meeting early, go to the washroom, get your coffee, sit down and be quiet. Maybe you don't want to listen to what's going on in that meeting, Butch, but maybe those people there would like to. And for once in your life, why don't you think of somebody else other than yourself? Oh, it was true. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I'd been on the street since I was 13 years old. I had a sewer for a mouth. I didn't know any other way to talk. And nobody embarrassed me in an AA meeting.
Nobody humiliated me or centered me out. But you took me aside after with kindness and love. And you said to me, kid, this isn't some juke joint bar room you're sitting in now. This is Alcoholics Anonymous. This is a classy organization of ladies and gentlemen. And we don't talk that way in AA. And maybe that filthy language doesn't bother you, but maybe it bothers that gentleman sitting there. And for once in your life, why don't you think of somebody else other than yourself? And it was true. And the changes started small and they started to grow. And you took me through this process because I can't do it on my own. I think one of the greatest disservices we can do to new people is give them a big book and say, here, go do this. You said to me that the only thing required of me here
[00:40:01]
is rigorous honesty. That's all that I need to do is to be able to be honest. You showed me in the book where it says that I'm suffering from an illness where I can't differentiate the truth from the false. Let me say that again. I'm in a program that demands honesty and I'm suffering from an illness where I can't tell the truth from the false. I'm in a lot of trouble. I need that sponsorship. I need that guidance. I need that people that have walked this path before me to walk me through this. And you did that. And you took me through this. And the changes started to happen. I'm not going to talk anymore about that this morning because of time. But you took me through in that. You helped me for the very first time find a power in my life. Incredible thing. If you'd have asked me in my life, do you believe in God or a power, I would have said, I was never a disbeliever.
I always believed in something. But I'll tell you, it made absolutely no difference in my life. It had no meaning in my life whatsoever. And I've often heard about it, talked about our problem being a conscious separation from God. And if you'd asked me about God, I would have said, it's some guy up in the sky with long hair, Charlton Heston, and a beard and stuff. And he watches over everything. And if you're good, good things happen. And if you're bad, bad things happen. Well, if he's up there and I'm down here, have you ever heard any more of a conscious separation in your life? You were the first people that said to me that deep down inside of every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. And it seems that it is only there that he can be found. And you allowed me to find a power in my life that made sense to me, that became real to me. And one of the greatest parts of my life, it talks in our book, the great reality, and that we could no more imagine life without that in our life than we could food or air. And that has become that to me. And it's become a real and working power in my life, and one of the great joys.
One of the great paradox, Alcoholics Anonymous, you told me if I want to keep it, I got to give it away. If I want to keep it, I got to give. You show me in the book where it said nothing ensures us immunity from drinking like intensive work with other alcoholics. When all else fails, this works. The occasional deed is not enough. Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others. Unless we continue to enlarge and perfect on our spiritual life through unselfish acts and helping others, we will surely drink when we hit those certain low spots. And if you are new in Alcoholics Anonymous and get to stay here, and I truly hope you do, I promise you, you will hit some low spots. Incredible gift. Incredible gift we've been given. If we were to ask the people here this morning, how's your lives? We've heard it all weekend long. How your life is since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon. The great things that have happened in our lives. If all that wasn't enough, if you and I haven't been given enough, you and I are then given the ability to make a difference in people's lives. What an incredible gift. What an incredible gift. You and I when properly armed with facts about ourselves and armed with this solution are able to make the difference in a few short hours when nobody else was able to. Incredible gift that we've been given. It says in our book that alcoholics laugh at sometimes seemingly tragic situations.
You ever wondered sometimes what visitors might be thinking of us? I don't know if you do this here at our birthdays when we celebrate our birthday at home, you can pick the speaker and the players and stuff and all that. And maybe some family friends come or maybe some friends from work maybe come. Never been to AA. Don't know anything about AA. And some monkey like me gets up to the front of the room and says things like, yes, I bought a brand new Cadillac. I picked it up at 9 o'clock on a Saturday morning and totaled it at 10.
We all laugh. Told my wife I was going out for a loaf of bread. I ran into Bobby. I'm gone for six months in Alaska. We all laugh. I've been in 18 treatment centers. I've had 27 shock treatments. I'm still sort of twitchy and we all laugh. I got a friend who talks in AA, talks about spilling a bottle of whiskey in bed and sucking it out of the sheets. We all laugh. Imagine what those visitors might be thinking. It says we laugh at sometimes seemingly tragic situations. Know what it says after that? Of course you do. You've read the book. It says why shouldn't we? Why shouldn't we? Because we have recovered and been given the power to help others. Wow. That's our purpose here.
Wow. That's our purpose here. That's why we come here. That's why we take these steps to fit ourselves to go out and be a maximum service. Huh? What an incredible gift. And
[00:45:03]
at some point if alcoholics, yes when we're new we come and we cling and we grab, but at some point if Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't stop being a place where I come to get and become a place where I come to give, I've missed the whole spirit of what we're about. Huh? My life before coming to Alcoholics Anonymous had absolutely no meaning or no purpose whatsoever. None. I don't know what your life was like. It's none of my business. But mine had none.
I was either drunk, planning on getting drunk, recovering from being drunk. I was in trouble, trying to get out of trouble, planning on more trouble. I worked so I could get money to drink. I worked all week to get drunk all weekend. Right? That's my life. And all the people in my life were the same. Alkies don't hang out with social drinkers. No meaning, no purpose. I go to a detox at home not because I'm some saint, because I'm some wonderful human being. It's the way I've been taught. I am the product of strong sponsorship and I believe in strong sponsorship. And I'm a guy that believes that without strong sponsorship our chances of recovery are almost nil. Almost nil. So I go to that detox and that. I go on Mondays. I'll be there at 2 o'clock on Monday. I talk to the guys and gals. I like to go Sundays when I'm at home because we have a big speaker meeting every Sunday morning.
Not this many, but pretty close, every Sunday. And I like to take new people to speaker meetings so they can listen. I'm a guy that happens to think it's good for new people to listen. I know it's not that fashionable today, but I happen to think it's good. Anyway, I go there one Sunday and there's a guy there and he's in bad shape. Bad, bad. I'm not talking detoxing hungover. I'm talking physically bad shape. I thought this guy might die. He might not make it. Well, I thought to myself, I figured, well, he could die at the meeting as easy as he can die here at the detox. Dying's dying. You got to do it somewhere. So I took him to the meeting. And we took him to the meeting. After the meeting, he and I spent a couple of hours together talking about this design for living, this practical program action. And I left him. I never saw him again. I'm sitting in a meeting one day. I see some guy coming across the room. I could see he's headed for me. Clean cut looking guy though.
Had a shirt, pair of slacks on. He come walking up. He said, Butch, you probably don't remember me. I said, I'm sorry. I can't say that I do, but I meet a lot of people. He says, my name's Iggy. I went, holy smokes. That's not really what I said. That's what I'm saying here. He said, you remember me? I said, oh, I remember you. It's the guy. And he's looking good. He said, Butch, I just wanted to come and thank you for taking me to that meeting that morning. He said, I haven't had a drink since that meeting. It's almost been a year.
I said, well, congratulations. He said, I was wondering if I can ask a favor of you. I said, if I can do it, I will. He said, will you come and talk at my one year AA birthday? I said, I'd be honored to do that, Ziggy. I went and talked at a meeting a few years ago now, and I got to the front of the room, big bunch of people like this, and I started crying. I couldn't get going. And I'll tell you why. I looked, and there, sitting at the front table in a suit and tie, looking like a million bucks, with his wife and all his children, was Ziggy. And he was getting his 15-year medallion. Took him to his first meeting, talked at his one year, talked at his five year, talked at his 10 year, talked at his 15 year. You think my life doesn't have meaning today? You think my life doesn't have purpose today? My life is so rich. My life is so full. I got that beautiful little wife of mine sitting there, and we live a life beyond anything you've ever dreamt. I could stand up here for the next two hours. I'd be all alone, but I could do it. Talking to you about things that have happened in my life since I came to this program and did the one thing that we have to do here. Don't you love when we read how it works at every meeting? I think the greatest piece of literature ever written. Don't you love at the end of the 12 steps where it goes, whoa, whoa, what an order. I can't go through with it. Don't you love what it says after that? Don't worry. Don't worry. None of us can. I can't. You can't.
Bobby can't. Lyle can't. None of us. It says, as a matter of fact, none of us is able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The point is we're willing to grow along spiritual lines. We practice it, but there's one thing we do do 100% here. That's the first step, that we admit to our innermost selves that we're alcoholic and our lives have become unmanageable. Our innermost selves in here. You see, I can go to any detox, any treatment center anywhere in the world today and say to those guys and gals, you powerless over alcohol and drugs? Oh, yes, sir, I am. Yes, I am. They all know it here.
I need to know it here. Because if I don't believe in the depth of my soul that my life
[00:50:05]
depends on these 12 steps and you people, the minute I get comfortable, I'll stop taking the action. I'll stop taking the action. I want to share one quick thing and we're out of here. We're not out of here, we've just done this meeting. I think if we took a survey and see what we talk about most in Alcoholics and Obstetrics, if we could take a survey and find out what we talk about more than anything else at these topic meetings, it'd be hands down what it is, wouldn't it be? Anyone have a topic? Oh, let's discuss gratitude.
And my sponsor told me, Butch, gratitude is an action, not a thought. Don't tell me how grateful you are, show me. Show me you're grateful. And I want to tell you this morning, I'm extremely grateful just to be grateful. Because before coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was never grateful a single solitary day in my life. No matter what I had, it was never enough. If I had a car, I wanted a newer car. If I had a house, I wanted a bigger house.
If I had a job, I wanted a better job. It didn't matter what I had in my life, I always wanted more or different. Didn't know the meaning of gratitude. I had the good fortune to go to, well, let me just say this first. You know in our talks in our book that our past will be our greatest asset? Let me just tell you that U.S. immigration has not read that chapter. I'm going to the International Convention in Minneapolis in 2000. I wasn't able to go to San Diego and Seattle, I just didn't have the money to go. But I'm going and I'm going with my sponsor, the International Conference. I'm like a little four-year-old boy the night before Santa Claus. I'm telling you, I am so excited. And I picked my sponsor up at four o'clock in the morning and we drove to Pearson International Airport. And to make a long story short, he got on the airplane, I didn't. I'm here tonight to tell you our past will be our greatest asset. I got to Minneapolis, just took a couple of days, all in the name of God. Anyway, when you get there, as many as you know, they ask the people when they register anybody sober over 40 years to let themselves be known. And on Saturday night at the big meeting, they all sit together and they pull 15 names out of a hat and each speak for a few minutes. If you haven't been there, please experience. We'll see you in Atlanta. And anyway, at that time, my sponsor was sober over 40 years and Bob's health was starting to decline. He had emphysema and his breathing wasn't so good and he wasn't walking that well. And on Saturday night, they said to me, kid, you take your sponsor down there and you sit with him. And on Saturday night, in that dome, I sat with 50,000 members of Alcoholics Anonymous, 202 members sober over 40 years. And I sat there and I looked at that little man and I saw the tears starting to roll down his face for a program he loved with all his heart. And God, I felt a sense of gratitude beyond anything I've ever known.
You see, every single thing that I have in my life, anything that is good, anything that I am or ever hope to become is because of you. If I lived to be a thousand years old, I could never pay you back for what you've given me. And you want to know the kicker to this thing? You've never asked me to. You've never asked me for a single solitary thing since the day I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. You've merely suggested to me, although at times strongly, that I try to give a little bit back of what's so freely been given to me. Take a new guy to a couple of meetings, show him a little love and kindness, maybe give him a hug and tell him he's going to be okay. I don't know how you feel about that, but it seems like a terribly small price for what's been given to me. I had some people say to me, but you talk a lot about that meetings you go to. Couldn't help but notice you have a new car out in the parking lot, business is going pretty good, lovely wife and home.
How grateful would you be if things weren't going so good? And that's a fair question, isn't it? Pretty easy to be grateful when our lives are rolling along okay, but what about when life happens? I'll tell you that sponsor that I've talked about that I love so much and that Bob's health continued to decline and he got worse and he'd been in the hospital twice that month and we were to go on June the 8th, 2004 to talk at a couple hours from our home and he was going to talk at a gal's one year birthday. Her mom and dad were long time AA and Al-Anon members and Bob was in bad shape and I phoned him up. It was a humid, humid day and I called him. I said, Bobby, I'm going to call Cliff and Mary and tell them we're not going to come. They would not want you coming there in this. They wouldn't want you to do it. And he said to me, he said, kid, he said, that young lady's expecting us. We'll be there. I said, okay. And I went and I got him and I loaded his stuff. He had wheelchairs and oxygen tanks and I had more stuff than the paramedics got. I'll load him in that truck. We drive to that meeting and we get there and there's no wheelchair access. So the boys put him in the chair and carry him down the stairs. We get him to the front of the room and his tanks and his hoses and we plug him into the wall. And he gave a talk like you wouldn't believe. He gave it everything. And
[00:55:06]
at the end of that, he was done. He was spent. And we got all this stuff together and the boys got him in the truck and he and I got in the truck for a two-hour drive home and as we pulled out of the parking lot, he said to me, kid, he said, I'm awfully glad you were with me tonight. Well, we were always together. We went everywhere together for 15 years. And I said, well, I'm real glad I was with you too, Bob. He said, no, kid, I'm really glad you're with me tonight. He said, I think I just gave my last talk. Now, you have to understand we have a lot of speaker meetings in Ontario around us and my sponsor talked at between 100 and 150 AA meetings a year for 45 years. And I said, Bob, I said, you're just tired. You're going to feel better tomorrow. And I got him home and I got him upstairs into his condo. I was going to leave and he said, kid, he said, you got a couple of minutes? I said, I got all the time in the world. He said, I just want to look in my journal. And he got his journal. He looked and he said, kid, it's okay. Go on home. He said, that journal's empty. There's nothing in it. That's the first time that journal had been empty in 45 years. And the next day on June the 9th, I phoned him and he was feeling a little better. And the next day on June the 10th, I called around supper time and I didn't get an answer. And I waited half an hour and I called back and I didn't get an answer again. And you know when you know and you don't want to know. And I drove around for two hours because I didn't want to go see what I knew I was going to see. And I picked a young guy up. I sponsored and I said, come on, we're going to the old guy's place.
He's gone. And I was crying. He said, Butch, what's wrong? I said, the old guy's gone. He said, how do you know that? I said, because it's June the 10th and the journal's empty. And we got to the condo and the people let us in and there was that little man kneeling down beside his bed and he was face down and he was gone. And it was like somebody unzipped me and took out my heart. God, I felt an emptiness and a loneliness like I hadn't felt in a long time. And the police come and the coroner guy comes and that stuff and it was a long time and I was there and they were finally done and I drove home out to our home on the lake. And I sat down at the lake and I had a long cry. Friends, that's not a sad story. I had 15 years with one of the greatest members I've ever known of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had 15 years with one of the greatest teachers and stuff. He had 40, almost 46 years in a program that he loved. But there was a part of my life that had just changed forever and would never be the same. And I missed him. I missed him. And I had a long cry there and then I went inside and I went upstairs and before I got in that bed, I knelt down and I thanked God for another day of sobriety. You see, my friends, Alcoholics Anonymous works in the good times and Alcoholics Anonymous works in the tough times. Alcoholics Anonymous works all the time. In those darkest hours when life happens and our heart breaks in two and we feel we can't make it another day, that's when the men and women in your home group and a power that we've been introduced to here will pick us up and carry us home every single time. I want to thank John and the committee for the opportunity to be here this weekend, for you people and your kindness and patience in listening to me. I don't know what's going to happen from here on in and none of us know for sure, do we? See, that's called life. Just because we get sober and become members of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, life doesn't stop happening. People die. Relationships end. People get sick. Businesses fail. Life still goes on. But I'll tell you something, every single morning for many years now I say to my friend upstairs first thing in the morning, I say, if you see fit, I sure would appreciate it if you keep me in Alcoholics Anonymous because my dear friends, there is no place in this whole world I'd rather be than right here with you fine, fine people.
Thank you and God bless you. Thank you.