Transcript

[00:00.4 – 00:10.4] Now our, our next speaker is a, a man who, uh, again, as I've been involved in service, uh, was introduced to me through, uh, walking in, [00:10.4 – 00:10.9] in service. [00:10.9 – 00:16.7] I think I had heard him speak at a, uh, or open up a, um, conference dinner one time. [00:16.7 – 00:25.5] And as I'm a DCM in Westchester, it was, uh, an idea of ours that we needed people like Bob to come up and to help our service structure grow. [00:25.5 – 00:33.1] And, uh, most of the GSRs or DCMs in the area were, uh, sort of forced into position. [00:33.1 – 00:43.2] And, uh, as we were trying to grow and to, uh, understand our responsibilities, we thought it would be great to tap the general service office and [00:43.2 – 00:52.6] all the delegates coming into town, uh, to come up and share with our, our s- our GSRs and our, our groups, so the groups would be more informed. [00:52.6 – 00:57.7] Uh, and Bob, again, has also shared at my home group or my past home group. [00:57.7 – 01:02.0] Uh, and, uh, he's shared at an anniversary there. [01:02.0 – 01:05.8] We've had him do a lot of, uh, service meetings for us in Westchester. [01:05.8 – 01:16.3] And, uh, I did not know his story was in the big book until one day when we were sharing, and, uh, uh, he let me know that it was, uh, [01:16.3 – 01:18.3] AA taught me how to handle sobriety. [01:18.3 – 01:25.9] And, uh, you know, uh, again, uh, we have different personalities in AA, different walks of service. [01:25.9 – 01:36.0] And, and Bob has been another special person in my life, uh, as an example of somebody who really has given to this program, lived with this [01:36.0 – 01:36.7] program. [01:36.7 – 01:44.4] Uh, and I'm not saying that Maynard hasn't given or lived this program, but it's all in their own personal way. [01:44.4 – 01:54.4] And, and I think as Charlie and Joe talk about how our spiritual awakening is all individual, I think our walk in AA and the people we meet, the, [01:54.4 – 01:58.1] the responsibilities we're given are all just different. [01:58.1 – 02:01.8] But, uh, uh, Bob has been special in, in that. [02:01.8 – 02:07.9] And, uh, he came up, uh, Thursday and was on a panel with, uh, Charlie and Joe and some other people. [02:07.9 – 02:18.0] And, uh, it was a, a fantastic experience to see six people in different walks of service get together, and just the harmony of [02:18.0 – 02:20.6] their talk on these, these wonderful principles. [02:20.6 – 02:30.7] Uh, and, uh, so with, with Bob and a lot of people, Charlie, Joe, and some people they sponsor, I sort of try and keep them owing [02:30.7 – 02:31.1] me. [02:31.1 – 02:33.0] You know, they have to come back. [02:33.0 – 02:34.1] They don't talk enough. [02:34.1 – 02:38.6] And, and Maynard has not talked enough, so he's gonna have to come back and share some time, too. [02:38.6 – 02:43.3] Uh, so with that, I'd like to introduce Bob Pearson. [02:43.3 – 02:51.9] Thank you, David, and good evening, friends. [02:51.9 – 02:53.9] My name is Bob, and I'm an alcoholic. [02:53.9 – 02:54.7] Hi. [02:54.7 – 03:02.6] And I do want to thank, uh, David and the other members of the committee for inviting me to be down here. [03:02.6 – 03:06.8] It's just a great joy to see so many of you here. [03:06.8 – 03:16.9] Uh, and I particularly thank them and you, David, for putting me on the same program with my old, old friend, Maynard. [03:16.9 – 03:24.2] Uh, I was really– It was the grace of God that, that I happened to live in Connecticut. [03:24.2 – 03:30.2] In fact, my home group, uh, is the Wednesday night group, uh, in, in Greenwich, Connecticut. [03:30.2 – 03:37.8] Um, and, uh, being in Connecticut, uh, I met, uh, Maynard when I was very, very early in the program. [03:37.8 – 03:45.8] And, uh, and it's been, uh, just such a great, uh, privilege to, to know him all of these years. [03:45.8 – 03:47.7] And, uh, he's, uh… [03:47.7 – 03:55.5] I hope you notice that the people who've been sober a long time like Maynard, my God, they're still going to meetings all the time. [03:55.5 – 04:06.0] And I, I see Maynard and have over the years, I've seen him at, God, I, I wouldn't hesitate to say scores or hundreds of various [04:06.0 – 04:09.9] conventions and conferences and, and meetings. [04:09.9 – 04:16.5] And, uh, it's just one of those wonderful bonuses that we have in AA to have, uh, have these kind of friends. [04:16.5 – 04:26.6] Um, this is pretty meaningful time of year for me because, uh, just [04:26.6 – 04:36.8] exactly thirty years ago this month, uh, on a day like this, uh, I was lying in the Greenwich Hospital, [04:36.8 – 04:47.3] uh, with, uh, intravenous feeding in one arm and blood [04:47.3 – 04:49.6] transfusions going in the other arm. [04:49.6 – 04:55.1] Uh, I had just escaped death. [04:55.1 – 05:00.4] Uh, I was in there because I had cirrhosis of the liver. [05:00.4 – 05:06.6] I had continued to drink, which is fatal for the person who has cirrhosis of the liver. [05:06.6 – 05:17.0] I had continued to drink alcoholically until I had had a massive esophageal hemorrhage in which I lost about half the blood in my body in about [05:17.0 – 05:17.7] two hours. [05:17.7 – 05:22.7] The first one of these took place out in Chicago, where I was out on a business trip. [05:22.7 – 05:24.9] Ended up in a hospital out there. [05:24.9 – 05:28.9] I didn't even know what hospital I was in for two or three days. [05:28.9 – 05:34.8] Woke up with my arm strapped down and the same kind of thing happening out there. [05:34.8 – 05:42.9] And after I got a certain amount of other people's blood in me, why, I began to feel pretty good, and they discharged me from that hospital. [05:42.9 – 05:53.2] And when I left, they said to me, "If you ever have another drink, it may well be your last." And I said, [05:53.2 – 05:54.1] "Don't worry. [05:54.1 – 06:03.7] After what I've been through, uh, here, um, I've learned my lesson, right?" No. [06:03.7 – 06:12.7] I came home from that trip, and this was the previous year to the hospital stay that I started, um, mentioning. [06:12.7 – 06:18.5] I came home, it was in the fall, and I didn't drink. [06:18.5 – 06:22.7] Uh, but nobody mentioned Alcoholics Anonymous. [06:22.7 – 06:32.8] Nobody told me, as it tells us in the Big Book, that this is, uh, an allergy of the body combined with an obsession of [06:32.8 – 06:43.0] the mind and a compulsion which, which dooms the alcoholic to either insanity or death, uh, unless he can, [06:43.0 – 06:46.6] uh, arrest the disease and be- and begin to recover. [06:46.6 – 06:47.9] Nobody had told me that. [06:47.9 – 06:53.5] Nobody had said it's the first drink that gets you drunk, and I wouldn't have understood what they meant if they did tell me that. [06:53.5 – 07:03.6] And so I was going to a football game that fall, uh, up in New Haven and, uh, and, uh, I was on a bus [07:03.6 – 07:06.0] with a bunch of other people, and they were all drinking. [07:06.0 – 07:10.2] And I had never heard of anybody going to a football game unless they had a drink. [07:10.2 – 07:13.0] I mean- … [07:13.0 – 07:14.5] uh, I, I guess it is possible. [07:14.5 – 07:19.6] I've learned since that it's possible, but up to that time, I had never heard of such a thing. [07:19.6 – 07:29.6] And therefore, uh, I, I, not knowing any better, I had one drink, and of course, it immediately triggered that compulsion, that obsession, and I was drinking harder [07:29.6 – 07:33.6] and worse than I had ever before. [07:33.6 – 07:43.6] And after only, uh, a few months, in that case, uh, I was again out on a business trip, and on these business trips, [07:43.6 – 07:45.4] I was up to no good, my friends. [07:45.4 – 07:46.1] I'll tell you. [07:46.1 – 07:51.7] When you get away from home, you know, there's a lot of opportunities to get into a lot of trouble, and I did. [07:51.7 – 08:01.2] And, um, uh, so I came back from that trip, and the very night that I came back, uh, I had another one of these massive esophageal hemorrhages. [08:01.2 – 08:03.2] Now, you're really only allowed one. [08:03.2 – 08:13.3] Uh, and I, I went, uh, that night, uh, in, in the hospital, uh, they rang a [08:13.3 – 08:20.9] code 500 on me, which means the patient is dying, and it brings all the medical help available. [08:20.9 – 08:23.4] It brings, of course, the nurses and the doctors. [08:23.4 – 08:25.1] It brings the oxygen. [08:25.1 – 08:25.7] It bring… [08:25.7 – 08:29.0] If you're a Catholic, it brings the priest for the last rites. [08:29.0 – 08:37.6] I don't happen to be of that faith, but believe me, when all this was going on around me, I was really making my peace with God. [08:37.6 – 08:41.6] Um, and yet I, I survived. [08:41.6 – 08:48.3] I didn't realize what a miracle that was until, uh, not too many years ago, maybe now 15 years ago perhaps. [08:48.3 – 08:56.3] Uh, I was going into Greenwich Hospital in the outpatient part to have a mole removed from my back. [08:56.3 – 09:05.2] Big deal, but, uh, you, you have to give them your name and address so they'll know where to send the bill for the emergency room or whatever it was I was in. [09:05.2 – 09:15.3] And so I, I gave this, uh, nurse behind the counter my name and my address, and she looked up at me and she said, "I remember you." [09:15.3 – 09:25.5] And, uh, she said, "You were on the fourth floor, and you were in there for internal bleeding." And I said, [09:25.5 – 09:28.0] "My God, what a memory you have. [09:28.0 – 09:38.0] I mean, you must see lots and lots of people with internal bleeding in a hospital." And she said, "Oh, yeah, we, we do." And I said, "Well, [09:38.0 – 09:45.7] it can't be that unusual that, uh, that I survived and I'm here." And she said, "Oh, yes, it is. [09:45.7 – 09:53.3] They all die." So, so there you are, you know. [09:53.3 – 09:55.9] That was what was, was happening to me. [09:55.9 – 10:06.2] Um, but what was perhaps more amazing, except not to you people, of course, was that as [10:06.2 – 10:09.5] I was lying there and as I began to recover… [10:09.5 – 10:13.1] Uh, well, I'll tell you what one thing I did. [10:13.1 – 10:22.0] As I began to recover, again, with all the blood transfusions in me, uh, they declared me ambulatory. [10:22.0 – 10:32.4] And so it was, of course, this time of year and warm, and so I, I pulled on my pants and my shoes and my shirt, [10:32.4 – 10:42.6] and I ambulated out of the hospital and down to the corner where there's a liquor store and bought a p- bottle of vodka and smuggled it back into the hospital and [10:42.6 – 10:44.6] had been sucking away on it. [10:44.6 – 10:48.8] Mind you, with the bandages still on my arms from the transfusions. [10:48.8 – 10:52.8] Um, when my, when my doctor came in… [10:52.8 – 11:01.2] Actually, what had happened, my wife called me, and she could smell alcohol 70 miles away on me, you know. [11:01.2 – 11:10.0] And so sh- after a little conversation, she called the doctor and she said, uh, "John, Pierce is drinking." She called me Pierce. [11:10.0 – 11:14.5] Uh, "Pierce is, is drinking." And, and Dr. [11:14.5 – 11:23.4] Bolton said, "Well, that's impossible, my dear." "He's in the hospital." And she said, "I don't care. [11:23.4 – 11:29.6] I know he's been drinking." So Bolton came up, and of course, there I was, you know, smashed. [11:29.6 – 11:40.5] And, uh, he was disgusted and disappointed and shocked, and he, he, he [11:40.5 – 11:43.4] resigned me as a patient. [11:43.4 – 11:44.6] He said… [11:44.6 – 11:45.6] He did. [11:45.6 – 11:55.6] I mean, he, he said, "I can no longer be responsible for your life the way that you're behaving." Uh, and he said, "You're going to have to go to a, [11:55.6 – 11:59.5] a psychiatrist." And, and that's what I did, and I'll tell you about that later. [11:59.5 – 12:02.2] But anyway, that was where I was. [12:02.2 – 12:12.5] And the amazing thing to me now, as I started to say, is that all I was thinking about was- Did [12:12.5 – 12:22.6] my wife, Betsy, throw out all the booze in the house, or did she lock it up where I couldn't get at it when I, when I got [12:22.6 – 12:23.1] home? [12:23.1 – 12:30.7] I mean, I was on a final, uh, warning from my employer. [12:30.7 – 12:41.0] You know, it was, "Shape up this time or don't come back." And my poor wife was, of course, distraught, worried to death, [12:41.0 – 12:51.4] had been advised many times by her friends to, you know, get rid of me because I was dragging her down so, [12:51.4 – 12:54.0] you know, financially and emotionally and every other way. [12:54.0 – 12:57.5] Uh, but she, she had, had stuck with me. [12:57.5 – 12:59.1] But she was just a nervous wreck. [12:59.1 – 13:06.0] She was just saying today that, I mean, she, she's a lovely gal, had a lovely figure and everything else, but she's always fought the weight problem, you know? [13:06.0 – 13:15.9] And she said, "The only time in my life that I was ever skinny was at the end of your drinking." She was so worried, you know, that she was even skinny. [13:15.9 – 13:21.8] Uh, so anyway, uh, that was my frame of mind. [13:21.8 – 13:28.8] Uh, I, I was a hopeless, helpless, old man. [13:28.8 – 13:35.3] My only attitude was, was who's gonna take care of me for the rest of my life? [13:35.3 – 13:37.0] That was my, my attitude. [13:37.0 – 13:37.9] I… [13:37.9 – 13:42.5] There was no glimmer of joy of living in, in my life. [13:42.5 – 13:49.5] I was just trying to somehow keep things together so that I could continue drinking. [13:49.5 – 13:50.7] That was my whole life. [13:50.7 – 14:00.7] Well, in contrast, now you see it's 30 years later, and today I woke up in the morning and, uh, God, [14:00.7 – 14:04.7] of course, this is one of the 10 best days of this year or any other year. [14:04.7 – 14:06.2] It was a glorious day. [14:06.2 – 14:16.5] So I did my 45 minutes of exercises, which I do when I first wake up, and then pulled on my running clothes and I went out and ran four miles [14:16.5 – 14:26.6] down by the shore in, of, of Long Island Sound with the, the, you know, the sea birds and the egrets and all, all [14:26.6 – 14:33.7] around, and the beautiful trees and the flowers and the fresh air and God and His heaven. [14:33.7 – 14:44.1] And I was doing my 11th step all the time that I was running, as I do every morning, just going through a litany of the manifold, [14:44.1 – 14:51.6] undeserved blessings in my life in these last many years. [14:51.6 – 15:01.6] Uh, and of course, the key word there is undeserved, because that is indeed a definition in my [15:01.6 – 15:04.1] book of the, of the, of God's grace. [15:04.1 – 15:08.5] I mean, I have done nothing to deserve any of these blessings. [15:08.5 – 15:13.1] God knows most of us have done very little to deserve God's grace. [15:13.1 – 15:19.4] But nevertheless, we who are in this room are, are recipients of, of, of that grace. [15:19.4 – 15:26.4] So I came home and showered and had a big breakfast, and we have some wonderful house guests. [15:26.4 – 15:26.8] Some… [15:26.8 – 15:37.4] Really, they're the children of my wife's cousin, but they're very close and they're very attractive people, you know, about your age, whoever you are. [15:37.4 – 15:48.0] And, uh, and, um, so I, I had a, a, a job to do because, [15:48.0 – 15:58.0] uh, when I quit commuting into New York to work for you all at the general service office, which is where I worked for 12 years, I was manager of [15:58.0 – 15:59.1] the office for 10 years. [15:59.1 – 16:09.3] Uh, when I, when I quit commuting, uh, I didn't want to go around on my wife's apron strings [16:09.3 – 16:15.0] like I've seen a lot of retired men do, and so I set up my own writing business. [16:15.0 – 16:23.7] I'm a writer by trade, and so I set up my own writing business, and, uh, with my own office and my own phone and post office box and everything. [16:23.7 – 16:27.5] I'm completely independent of her, just as I was when I used to commute. [16:27.5 – 16:35.0] And it's a great way to go for any of you who are planning retirement, uh, because, uh, you know, you can each have your own lives. [16:35.0 – 16:40.6] And then, you know, I come home to her each evening, as I always used to do, and we have our lives together. [16:40.6 – 16:45.1] Anyway, uh, I have a, I've, I've… [16:45.1 – 16:50.2] Again, by the grace of God, I have l- lots of business. [16:50.2 – 17:00.2] We have done five or six full-length books in the three years, four years since I left the general service office, um, and [17:00.2 – 17:01.6] a lot of magazine articles. [17:01.6 – 17:11.7] And so I had a job to do today, and I ran up to Darien and interviewed a man, which was a lot of fun and a great delight, and came back, had lunch, [17:11.7 – 17:19.7] and then we went out and spent the whole afternoon sailing on a 38-foot boat out on Long Island Sound. [17:19.7 – 17:25.2] I mean, the sun shining down while you poor souls were here in this auditorium. [17:25.2 – 17:35.3] Why, we were out en- enjoying the sea breezes and the, the fun of sitting there letting somebody else sail [17:35.3 – 17:35.7] the boat. [17:35.7 – 17:39.1] But, uh, it was just a, a perfectly wonderful afternoon. [17:39.1 – 17:46.0] I got home just in time to change, pick up my dear friend Alice over there, and come down here to be with all of you. [17:46.0 – 17:51.4] I mean, what a wonderful way to end the day, I mean, with a bunch of people. [17:51.4 – 17:58.2] Some of you are dear old friends, and some of you are, as they say, friends that I had not yet met. [17:58.2 – 18:02.7] And, uh, it's, it's just been a, a heartwarming experience. [18:02.7 – 18:12.7] And, uh, I'll hopefully, God willing, I'll go back tonight and read my 24-hour book, thank God for, for giving [18:12.7 – 18:22.8] me this grace and this day, and we'll go home, and I will, I will crawl into bed with my adorable wife, and we will, [18:22.8 – 18:24.9] uh, have a lovely night's sleep. [18:24.9 – 18:34.3] And a lovely night anyway. [18:34.3 – 18:38.3] Um, and that's the way it goes. [18:38.3 – 18:48.3] And, uh, the difference between those two days is just the essence to me of, of Alcoholics [18:48.3 – 18:49.1] Anonymous. [18:49.1 – 18:59.7] Because if there's any, any message that I have in my story and in my life, I think it is that, [18:59.7 – 19:06.1] uh, that joy of living is at the heart of our program. [19:06.1 – 19:16.2] And you know, if you read the 12 and 12, the first sentence of the last essay on, uh, on the, in the step section, on, on [19:16.2 – 19:24.4] the 12th step, it says, "Joy of living is the theme of our 12th step." I see some of you are nodding. [19:24.4 – 19:25.7] Bless your heart. [19:25.7 – 19:26.5] You know that. [19:26.5 – 19:26.9] Good. [19:26.9 – 19:37.0] And to me, what that means is that no matter what we say to the people that we're trying to 12-step or help, the real message [19:37.0 – 19:39.4] is in our own joy of living. [19:39.4 – 19:43.9] That's what makes AA a program of attraction. [19:43.9 – 19:52.1] And we used to have a member in our group out there, may even, even be before your time, I'm not sure, Alice, but it was, it was Kurt Balmer. [19:52.1 – 19:52.9] He's dead now. [19:52.9 – 19:56.6] He, he, he was a great guy, a lot of laughs. [19:56.6 – 20:06.6] And he used to say, he said, uh, "If you don't have more fun being sober than you did drinking, you're sure as hell gonna go back to [20:06.6 – 20:10.9] drinking." And I believe that from the bottom of my heart. [20:10.9 – 20:20.9] Uh, the whole, the whole program of Alcoholics Anonymous is to restore us to a relationship [20:21.0 – 20:31.0] with a higher power and to a life that's based on spiritual principles so that we are open to a new appreciation of life, a [20:31.0 – 20:40.1] new sensitivity to life, and a new joy of living that we never knew before, and that's certainly what has, has happened in, in my life. [20:40.1 – 20:45.1] Uh, and I think that's the, that's really the, the heart of, of the program. [20:45.1 – 20:55.5] The, the 12 steps are, are really designed to get us out of our self-centeredness and, and, uh, to make it possible to be, to be open to a, [20:55.5 – 20:59.2] an inner spiritual change or an inner personality change. [21:00.0 – 21:09.4] Um, and, uh, uh, a-as, as long as we can, can take those steps, then we, we are able to do that. [21:09.4 – 21:19.4] Also, on the, uh, I, I, I know on the, in the twel- in the, uh, Big Book on page 132, it says, "We absolutely insist [21:19.4 – 21:24.5] on enjoying life." And so there it is, right in the Big Book like that. [21:24.5 – 21:34.6] Now, the reason that I was, um, in the hospital, uh, and, uh, uh, [21:34.6 – 21:44.5] near death, uh, 30 years ago, uh, really began, uh, back when I was, uh, a kid growing up out in Kansas. [21:44.5 – 21:46.9] Um, I was an only child. [21:46.9 – 21:55.6] Uh, there's nothing too unusual about that, except that I do hear it a lot from people on, on these platforms. [21:55.6 – 22:00.4] And my father, I, I came from a family, they were not alcoholics. [22:00.4 – 22:07.1] They were loving parents, but it was recession or depression years, and my father had to move around a lot to make a living. [22:07.1 – 22:11.7] And we moved 18 times in my thir- first 13 years of life. [22:11.7 – 22:19.1] And as I look back, that gave me a constant sense of not belonging, you know. [22:19.1 – 22:20.8] I mean, we all feel that. [22:20.8 – 22:30.9] But, uh, I would go into a new school all, all the way through school and, and the cliques were already there, you know, and [22:30.9 – 22:34.6] all the buddy systems and everything, and I was just a new kid. [22:34.6 – 22:44.9] And so the boys, if you've ever, you men or who, who can remember back to your boyhood, if you ever had to go into a school, you know that the first thing [22:44.9 – 22:47.5] that the boys do there is test you, right? [22:47.5 – 22:50.6] Which really means basically beating you up. [22:50.6 – 22:52.3] Uh, and… [22:52.3 – 22:53.3] That's right, yeah. [22:53.3 – 23:03.7] I mean, I can remember vividly walking down the street, uh, in Kansas City, Kansas, when I was in about third grade, and walking acro- [23:03.7 – 23:07.6] across the street when I saw some kids coming toward me. [23:07.6 – 23:16.0] They weren't antagonistic at all, but I just didn't want to have to deal with them because I knew that they would taunt me or, you know, do some mischief to me. [23:16.0 – 23:19.3] So that was sort of the way that I was, was living even then. [23:19.3 – 23:29.5] Partly as a result of this, uh, I kind of retreated into a world of my own, into a fantasy world, if you will, way back there, long [23:29.5 – 23:32.0] before I grew up and became an alcoholic. [23:32.0 – 23:40.3] But it sure did make me a sitting duck for alcoholism when it came along to remove me from reality. [23:40.3 – 23:48.8] But I removed myself from reality by reading and by identifying with all of the stories that I read or by going to movies. [23:48.8 – 23:51.2] I was the world's greatest moviegoer. [23:51.2 – 23:52.8] I saw every single movie. [23:52.8 – 24:03.9] I can see myself today, uh, in Lawrence, Kansas, at the Dickinson Theater on a summer afternoon at [24:03.9 – 24:07.6] matinees because they changed the films every day in those days. [24:07.6 – 24:16.7] And I would be sitting there alone in this dark theater looking up at the screen, and it was painting a whole new life that I was a part of, you know. [24:16.7 – 24:27.1] This was, of course, after World War I, before World War II, and so the war films, I, I really liked those war films, you know, with the, with the brave officer [24:27.1 – 24:33.2] saying, "Over the top, men" And they would all follow me over the top. [24:33.2 – 24:37.5] Or the cowboy movies, you know, and I would be… [24:37.5 – 24:39.1] Hell, I'm scared to death of horses. [24:39.1 – 24:49.4] But, uh, I, I would be g- in my mind's eye, I would be galloping over the plains with them up there on the screen, you know, with my six-shooters in each hand, [24:49.4 – 24:52.1] you know, firing at the bad guys. [24:52.1 – 25:02.2] But the films that I absolutely loved best and identified most with were the Fred Astaire movies- -with top hat, white tie, [25:02.2 – 25:05.3] and tails, waltzing… [25:05.3 – 25:07.2] What was her name? [25:07.2 – 25:08.6] Ginger Rogers. [25:08.6 – 25:10.4] That's it, Ginger Rogers. [25:10.4 – 25:12.9] Round and round and round in Central Park. [25:12.9 – 25:14.0] I can see it yet. [25:14.0 – 25:18.5] And, uh, that was the way that I decided I was gonna live my life. [25:18.5 – 25:27.3] Uh, at, uh, at that, at a fairly early age, I had decided I wanted to be a writer, and of course, the only place to be a writer was in New York. [25:27.3 – 25:33.7] And so I could picture myself in this New York life, even as I was just a green kid out there. [25:33.7 – 25:37.6] And I had the good fortune to sell an article. [25:37.6 – 25:47.5] I wrote an article and sold it to Scribner's Magazine, a very prestigious old magazine- -uh, when I was still in school, my last year in college. [25:47.5 – 25:53.6] That convinced me that I could do anything in the world that I wanted to. [25:53.6 – 25:56.2] I could be anybody that I wanted to. [25:56.2 – 25:58.9] And my parents really encouraged me this, in this. [25:58.9 – 26:00.2] I did very well in school. [26:00.2 – 26:10.3] I had very high marks and, and, uh, so they always gave me lots of strokes and said, "You can do anything you want to." So as soon as I was out of school, I beat [26:10.3 – 26:11.3] it back to New York. [26:11.3 – 26:13.7] Now, I had started drinking in college. [26:13.7 – 26:17.4] I rather, rather late in life really for an alcoholic. [26:17.4 – 26:22.9] But when I was about 18 years old, I started, uh, the beer bust type of drinking, you know. [26:22.9 – 26:32.3] And the very first time that I ever, that I ever drank, we, when I went out, just a couple of us, a couple of, of boys, and w- started out on, God, I don't even remember. [26:32.3 – 26:34.9] Tom and Jerrys, I think it was, in the hot weather. [26:34.9 – 26:39.7] Anyway, I got terribly drunk that first night and had a terrible night. [26:39.7 – 26:41.2] Sick as a dog. [26:41.2 – 26:43.4] Could hardly stand up the next day. [26:43.4 – 26:44.7] You know what I did? [26:44.7 – 26:49.6] That very night, I went right back to do more drinking, and that, that was the way it was to be. [26:49.6 – 26:57.0] When I got to New York, I was, I, the only writing job I could get was with a big company. [26:57.0 – 27:04.6] And, uh, they, um- Of course, most of the people in that company were considerably older than I was. [27:04.6 – 27:11.9] I was 21 at that time, and, uh, they were, you know, obviously older than that and a lot more sophisticated, but they were nice to me. [27:11.9 – 27:21.9] And so after I'd been there, oh, just a few days, they said, "Oh, uh, Pearson, would you like to come down and have a drink with us after work?" Oh man, did I want to do that. [27:21.9 – 27:24.7] I mean, we were in the RCA building, which was pretty glamorous. [27:24.7 – 27:29.1] I mean, that, that in itself was, you know, something that I had dreamed about. [27:29.1 – 27:34.1] And, uh, then, uh, I… [27:34.1 – 27:40.4] The idea of going down to this mahogany bar down where they ice skated and all of this kind of… [27:40.4 – 27:42.3] What a, what a glamorous thought. [27:42.3 – 27:47.7] So I went down there and was introduced to Manhattans and martinis and that sort of thing. [27:47.7 – 27:49.2] But the, the, the, the… [27:49.2 – 27:59.2] Really the significant thing is that, uh, after that first night that they invited me down, there were very few, if any, days [27:59.2 – 28:03.8] from then until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous that I didn't drink. [28:03.8 – 28:07.4] Not always a lot, but I was a daily drinker. [28:07.4 – 28:08.8] I was not a periodic. [28:08.8 – 28:12.7] I was a daily drinker throughout all of those years. [28:12.7 – 28:20.2] And the war, uh, it came along here pretty soon and, and, uh, I was, uh, in a… [28:20.2 – 28:23.5] I was a gunnery officer on a destroyer escort. [28:23.5 – 28:29.5] And, and of course on a shipboard you couldn't drink, but boy, when we went ashore, we just tore it up, you know? [28:29.5 – 28:38.8] And I, I really made up for it when I went ashore, with the result that the first disciplinary action I ever had in drinking was in the Navy. [28:38.8 – 28:42.1] I came back and we were… [28:42.1 – 28:47.8] My wife and I were, were married at the last year of the war when I was on liberty from the ship. [28:47.8 – 28:49.9] Very soon after that, we got… [28:49.9 – 28:55.3] I got transferred to a writing job ashore because I'd been on the ship for a long time. [28:55.3 – 28:59.0] I was transferred to a writing job in Washington. [28:59.0 – 29:09.1] And, uh, when we were down there, um, I want to tell you about this because I think it's, uh, although it's an Al-Anon story, my Al-Anon wife is not here, so I will [29:09.1 – 29:11.3] steal her Al-Anon story and tell you what happened. [29:11.3 – 29:16.5] Uh, we had been invited to a party which was clear across town. [29:16.5 – 29:26.7] And, uh, uh, we borrowed my brother-in-law's car, which was our first mistake, and I drove it over there to this party, which was a real, a [29:26.7 – 29:29.0] real wet party. [29:29.0 – 29:32.8] I mean, everybody there was absolutely skunk drunk. [29:32.8 – 29:42.4] And about 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, well, I staggered out to the car with my brand-new bride and decided to drive home. [29:42.4 – 29:48.9] She said, "Well, darling, don't you think that I should drive?" And I said, "Oh, no, I can drive." So I got in. [29:48.9 – 29:56.5] We had to drive through the worst, roughest part of Washington to get from the party to where we lived. [29:56.5 – 30:06.6] And, uh, right in the middle of this worst district, right in the middle of the dark of the night, the guy in front of me stopped at a stop sign [30:06.6 – 30:11.6] and I didn't, and hit, smashed into his rear end. [30:11.6 – 30:20.5] Uh, broke the radiator of the car and the, and the headlights and all of the fluid drained out of the car, you know? [30:20.5 – 30:22.0] And he wasn't so dumb. [30:22.0 – 30:23.1] He just drove on. [30:23.1 – 30:33.2] But I said to my wife, "I'm gonna report this to the cops." And so I got out of the car and went off into the night. [30:33.2 – 30:39.6] And my wife tells it that, you know, she didn't know what to think. [30:39.6 – 30:49.6] She, she locked the doors of the car and sat there and sat there and nothing much happened, and she's had to do something, and she had about 15 cents in [30:49.6 – 30:50.2] her pocket. [30:50.2 – 31:00.3] And she saw a lighted phone booth up a little bit ahead, so she thought, "I'll go make a call." So she went up, dropped her nickel in, asked [31:00.3 – 31:02.6] for the police, got the local precinct. [31:02.6 – 31:10.3] And she said, "Have you seen a naval officer in a white uniform, uh, reporting an automobile accident?" No, they hadn't. [31:10.3 – 31:20.3] Uh, she said, "Can I report it?" And they said, "Well, what's the circumstances?" And so she told them, and they said, "Was anybody hurt?" She said, "No." They [31:20.3 – 31:23.0] said, "Well, we're really not concerned with it then. [31:23.0 – 31:25.8] We're not interested." Well, what do you do? [31:25.8 – 31:36.3] So she took another nickel and she dropped it in, and the only other number that she knew was our number clear across town up in the northwest, [31:36.3 – 31:37.7] uh, part of the city. [31:37.7 – 31:44.9] Uh, and so she dialed that number, and naturally it just rang and rang and rang and rang, and finally I answered. [31:44.9 – 31:55.7] And- When- [31:55.7 – 32:07.8] When I heard her voice, I said, "Where the hell are you?" She, [32:07.8 – 32:17.9] she said a- as she, as she stood in the phone booth that night, she, she got a real vision of what life was gonna be with an alcoholic you [32:17.9 – 32:18.9] know- … [32:18.9 – 32:20.2] for the rest of her life. [32:20.2 – 32:24.5] So anyway, I went back to sea and she went back to work. [32:24.5 – 32:34.1] And after, after the war was over, we acquired a lovely little house out here, not very far out on Ro- in Roslyn, Long Island. [32:34.1 – 32:36.3] And there we started having our family. [32:36.3 – 32:39.5] And so I went back to work, a fine job. [32:39.5 – 32:42.5] I had, I had everything going for me. [32:42.5 – 32:52.5] Uh, I, you know, I was young and I was, uh, energetic, and I had a fine job and I had a lovely wife and wonderful children and a [32:52.5 – 32:53.5] beautiful house. [32:53.5 – 32:55.4] And so what does an alcoholic do? [32:55.4 – 32:57.2] Drinks. [32:57.2 – 32:58.3] That… [32:58.3 – 33:01.8] I mean, that, that was my reaction to having this perfect life. [33:01.8 – 33:03.5] Drink, drink, drink. [33:03.5 – 33:05.0] Blot it out, you know? [33:05.0 – 33:10.8] Live some fantasy life that I, you know, had tucked away in the back of my mind. [33:10.8 – 33:21.1] Somehow or other, maybe I wasn't satisfied with the level of my achievement because I'd always been, you know, I always had unrealistic ideas of [33:21.1 – 33:23.5] my, of my ability. [33:23.5 – 33:33.6] Uh, but my achievement had, of course, never kept up with my dreams of h- writing the Great American Novel or the, the, the great American play. [33:33.6 – 33:36.7] I was just a, a writer for a company. [33:36.7 – 33:37.7] What's that? [33:37.7 – 33:39.5] What's the big deal, you know? [33:39.5 – 33:41.7] So I was, I was drinking. [33:41.7 – 33:51.9] It was at about this time that, that I, some- I, I used to have bad hangovers, and somebody said, uh, "If you just have a little hair of the dog, it'll help." So, [33:51.9 – 33:59.5] uh, one day, as I was going in on the Long Island Railroad, I stopped at the Pennsylvania Station when I had a particularly bad hangover and had a drink. [33:59.5 – 34:03.3] And, uh, boy, it sure did help. [34:03.3 – 34:12.1] And I never went into New York again any day thereafter without having a drink. [34:12.1 – 34:23.9] Uh, as, as I think it, it said in the Grapevine once, it, it said, "When an alcoholic does anything once, it's a habit." And, [34:23.9 – 34:26.9] and that's just how compulsive we are, really. [34:26.9 – 34:31.4] Uh, and I was having all kinds of troubles in my life. [34:31.4 – 34:39.3] I won't go into all of them, but they were, they were things like, um, I had, I had the shakes terrible by this time. [34:39.3 – 34:43.2] Part of the hangovers were sh- terrible tremors, you know, shakes. [34:43.2 – 34:45.7] Not just hands, but I mean, inside. [34:45.7 – 34:47.6] You're uh, you're, you're shaking to death, you know? [34:47.6 – 34:54.0] And, uh, you know, I couldn't, uh, I couldn't, uh, sign hotel registers. [34:54.0 – 34:56.0] I couldn't sign checks. [34:56.0 – 35:01.9] I couldn't go down and eat lunch, particularly if they served soup. [35:01.9 – 35:03.4] Oh, my God, you know? [35:03.4 – 35:07.9] I would just be struck with terror, and I faced a bowl of soup. [35:07.9 – 35:17.3] Uh, and I would finally get up nerve to pick up a, a soup spoon and, you know, get it into the soup, and I'd get it up to about here, and it would go like that. [35:17.3 – 35:18.9] Humiliating. [35:18.9 – 35:20.9] So I quit eating soup, you know? [35:20.9 – 35:23.4] That's the alcoholic solution to that. [35:23.4 – 35:28.6] But the trouble is those fears spread into all the other areas of your life, and I began… [35:28.6 – 35:32.0] I finally found the magic answer. [35:32.0 – 35:37.6] If I had a belt of vodka, if I had something… [35:37.6 – 35:47.6] You know, when you have that first drink under those circumstances, boy, you can just feel it go through every v- artery and [35:47.6 – 35:50.0] vein and cell in your body, you know? [35:50.0 – 35:55.9] And all of a sudden, everything is calm, and you can do anything. [35:55.9 – 35:57.6] You can write your name. [35:57.6 – 35:59.3] You can make phone calls. [35:59.3 – 36:04.1] You can do all kinds of things that I couldn't possibly do, uh, because I was, I was trembling so. [36:04.1 – 36:10.7] So from that moment on, I never did anything, really, without having a drink first. [36:10.7 – 36:19.6] And again, I'm indebted to an article in the AA Grapevine by a guy who lived down in, I think, New Zealand. [36:19.6 – 36:30.5] And, uh, I thought he had remarkable insight because i- in, in this article, he said, "When an alcoholic has to take a drink [36:30.5 – 36:40.6] in order to do something that the, uh, that, that the, um, that the civilian, the ordinary person, non-alcoholic does without a drink, [36:40.6 – 36:50.5] then he gives up absolutely and forever the possibility of doing that particular drink, thing without a drink." You understand? [36:50.5 – 36:53.2] That was exactly w- where I was. [36:53.2 – 36:56.2] I couldn't make love without a drink. [36:56.2 – 36:59.7] I couldn't, uh, sign the hotel register without a drink. [36:59.7 – 37:04.1] I had to have a drink to do almost every normal thing in life. [37:04.1 – 37:12.7] This article went on to say, it said, "Of course, i- it's one thing to have to have a drink in order to answer the door. [37:12.7 – 37:23.3] Uh, but it's another thing to have a drink just in case somebody comes to the door." And, [37:23.3 – 37:26.0] a- and, and that's more where I was. [37:26.0 – 37:31.5] Um, and, uh, and I was having trouble with lying. [37:31.5 – 37:38.4] Um, I, I don't know about you all, but, uh, but lying just got to be a habit with me. [37:38.4 – 37:48.5] I, I was always trying to explain to my wife why I had come home late, or I, or why I didn't make it to something I was supposed to make it to, or I would be lying to my boss as to [37:48.5 – 37:53.5] the reasons why I didn't have something in that I was supposed to have had done and, and that kind of thing. [37:53.5 – 37:59.6] And then eventually you just get to lie about everything, just 'cause it's easier to lie than to tell the truth, you know? [37:59.6 – 38:05.9] And, uh, I love something again that I read, and then I'll quit talking this way. [38:05.9 – 38:14.7] But anyway, uh, I, I read an article by a, a, a psychiatrist named Abraham Twerski down in, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. [38:14.7 – 38:15.9] You know of him? [38:15.9 – 38:16.2] Yeah. [38:16.2 – 38:25.8] He, uh, he, uh, specializes in the treatment of alcoholics, and he's a, he's a fantastic, uh, man apparently and, uh, and obviously has a pretty good sense of humor. [38:25.8 – 38:28.1] Because he was writing an article which I had… [38:28.1 – 38:38.5] Uh, I read this article, which was really directed at other doctors and telling them what to expect when you had a specialty in treating alcoholics. [38:38.5 – 38:45.7] And one of the things that he mentioned was this predilection and this disposition that we all, that we all, so many of us have. [38:45.7 – 38:48.6] I can't say we all, but so many of us have to lie. [38:48.6 – 38:58.0] And he, he said it, that they're probably the only people in the world who will pay $75 an hour to go to a psychiatrist and lie about why they're there, you know? [38:58.0 – 39:01.3] And, and that's, uh, you know, the truth. [39:01.3 – 39:11.4] And they said that when he was very early in practice, that- A member of A– He was complaining to a member of AA about this, and the member of AA said to [39:11.4 – 39:21.7] him, "Why, Doc, you know, you can tell when an alcoholic is lying by watching his lips." And D-the Torski said, "I bit." [39:21.7 – 39:25.8] And I said, "Oh, is that right?" And the AA member said, "Yes. [39:25.8 – 39:33.1] If his lips are moving, he's lying." And that was the way I was, too. [39:33.1 – 39:43.2] Um, and, uh, uh, I didn't attribute any of these problems really [39:43.2 – 39:44.5] to alcohol. [39:44.5 – 39:54.0] I simply drank and drank, and it progressed, and it progressed, and I got worse and worse off physically, emotionally, mentally. [39:54.0 – 39:55.6] You know, it's this old story. [39:55.6 – 40:05.8] So the decades went by, and then one day I discovered that in this bloated abdomen [40:05.8 – 40:07.4] of mine in those days… [40:07.4 – 40:09.0] It's getting away again. [40:09.0 – 40:19.0] But, uh, that bloated abdomen of mine, that there was a lump over here, a hard lump that got bigger and bigger, and of course I [40:19.0 – 40:19.9] was scared to death. [40:19.9 – 40:26.5] And I went to the doctor, and after feeling me around a little, he asked me the question that some of you may have been asked at one time or another. [40:26.5 – 40:32.8] He said, "Bob, how much do you drink?" And I thought for a minute, and I didn't lie to him. [40:32.8 – 40:43.1] I sort of counted it up and I said, "Oh, eight or nine drinks a day." And he turned out to be this more or less teetotaler doctor, [40:43.1 – 40:45.7] and, uh, and he was startled, you know. [40:45.7 – 40:55.8] And he said, "You mean every day?" And I said, "Of course, every day." And he said, "Well, we may have a, a clue as to what the trouble [40:55.8 – 41:00.9] is." And so he gave me a, a liver test, and of course my liver was badly damaged. [41:00.9 – 41:01.9] And he said… [41:01.9 – 41:08.3] Then he read me the riot act, told me about the fact I was gonna have cirrhosis of the liver if I continued to drink at all. [41:08.3 – 41:13.2] Explain, he explained to me that some people can drink and some can't, and I'm the kind who can't. [41:13.2 – 41:19.6] And he said when I looked at a bottle, I should see a skull and crossbones on the label. [41:19.6 – 41:21.9] All the good things the doctors tell you. [41:21.9 – 41:26.0] But he didn't tell me a thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. [41:26.0 – 41:27.6] I don't think he knew a thing about… [41:27.6 – 41:29.7] In fact, he didn't know really much about alcoholism. [41:29.7 – 41:32.4] He kinda learned on me as, as, as it turned out. [41:32.4 – 41:42.4] And so I went home from, from the doctor's office that day, and, uh, I didn't have a drink for ten months. [41:42.4 – 41:52.7] Now, this was at a time in my life when I would have sworn to you that I couldn't have gone two or three hours, day or night, [41:52.7 – 41:56.9] without a drink, without putting more alcohol into my system. [41:56.9 – 41:59.7] I used to almost have nightmares that sometime I might- [41:59.8 – 42:03.9] Get picked up by the law and get into jail, and I wouldn't be able to have a drink. [42:03.9 – 42:08.0] Or would get sick enough, I'd go to the hospital, and I couldn't get a drink. [42:08.0 – 42:14.7] And I knew that if that happened, I would absolutely go out of my mind, and I just couldn't conceive of it. [42:14.7 – 42:22.2] And yet, in that time of life, in that moment when he told me, I wasn't that scared. [42:22.2 – 42:28.9] It was just that I quit drinking for 10 months, and that's so significant, I think. [42:28.9 – 42:37.0] Because years later, years later, I went to an AA meeting after I'd been in AA for about six months. [42:37.0 – 42:45.7] And when I went into the meeting, this old-timer was saying AA doesn't teach us how to handle our drinking. [42:45.7 – 42:55.0] That most of us knew that the way to handle our drinking was to quit, and most of us have quit at various times and for various reasons. [42:55.0 – 42:59.1] You know, a pledge at the church or to get your wife off your back or something. [42:59.1 – 43:05.9] So he said, "Quitting drinking is not really the name of the game. [43:05.9 – 43:16.2] Uh, AA teaches us how to handle sobriety, which none of us can handle in the first place, [43:16.2 – 43:26.3] and that's why we drink." Now, just think of that because that has affected me more than any other single thing I ever [43:26.3 – 43:29.2] heard in AA because it explains so much. [43:29.2 – 43:32.8] Because it really, really… [43:32.8 – 43:35.6] Anybody can quit drinking, and we all do. [43:35.6 – 43:41.4] The interesting thing is alcoholics are the only people who quit drinking. [43:41.4 – 43:45.1] Normal drinkers do not quit drinking. [43:45.1 – 43:46.3] Have you ever thought of that? [43:46.3 – 43:56.5] So, you know, the person who says, "Oh, I can, I can, I can take it or leave it alone," you know, you know he's an alcoholic because a, a, a, a [43:56.5 – 43:58.4] normal drinker never says that. [43:58.4 – 43:59.5] Never says that. [43:59.5 – 44:02.3] He n- he never thinks about leaving it alone. [44:02.3 – 44:04.0] He doesn't have to leave it alone. [44:04.0 – 44:05.6] I, I, I heard a woman just the other… [44:05.6 – 44:15.7] just last week, a wonderful AA woman, say that, uh, that she, that she thought it w- it was so important that, uh, she had, uh, had, had, [44:15.7 – 44:16.4] was, had… [44:16.4 – 44:20.3] when she was an alcoholic, that she had been able to quit drinking from time to time. [44:20.3 – 44:21.8] That made her different. [44:21.8 – 44:25.4] Well, hell, we're the only people who quit drinking. [44:25.4 – 44:27.8] But that's not the name of the game. [44:27.8 – 44:36.9] The name of the game is to stay quit, and none of us can stay quit because until we get to AA, we don't know how to handle sobriety. [44:36.9 – 44:44.8] That is to say, we don't know how to cope with life without drinking, and so we're always doomed to start up again. [44:44.8 – 44:46.9] We can't stay stopped. [44:46.9 – 44:49.3] That's the, that's the whole problem. [44:49.3 – 44:56.6] So anyway, to go back to my long, sad story, which I will try to wind up here. [44:56.6 – 45:06.6] Um, I quit for that 10-month period, and at the end of that time, um, I, when I had to go back every month to be examined, and at the end of that time, I went [45:06.6 – 45:17.1] in to see this doctor and, and he said, uh, uh, "You know, your liver has made a remarkable recovery and, uh, you don't need to come back." [45:17.1 – 45:27.3] And I heard myself say from somewhere down in my subconscious, I heard myself ask, I said, "Well, John, does that mean then that, [45:27.3 – 45:35.7] uh, say I've been out cutting the lawn on a hot day?" "Uh, could I have a cold beer?" And he looked a little puzzled at that. [45:35.7 – 45:45.2] And so I said, "Or possibly a fine wine with dinner?" Which was a crock, you know, because I had never had fine wine with dinner. [45:45.2 – 45:50.0] My, my drink of choice was a hundred proof vodka chased with Ballantine's Ale. [45:50.0 – 45:54.4] A Russian boilermaker, which really did it to you, boy. [45:54.4 – 45:58.3] And that was the eight or nine drinks that I was telling the doctor about, incidentally. [45:58.3 – 46:08.4] But, uh, anyway, he said to me, this doctor, who, as I say, knew nothing about alcoholism or AA, he said to me the fatal words [46:08.4 – 46:09.5] to the alcoholic. [46:09.5 – 46:16.0] He said, "Well, Bob, one won't hurt you." So you know the story. [46:16.0 – 46:17.4] I did have the one. [46:17.4 – 46:18.3] It didn't hurt me. [46:18.3 – 46:23.9] Within weeks, uh, I had this compulsion and this obsession. [46:23.9 – 46:27.5] I went on a business trip where I did not intend to drink. [46:27.5 – 46:37.8] I really intended not to drink, and yet the compulsion was there, and I came back from that two or three weeks trip in worse shape than I had been before, [46:37.8 – 46:38.7] ever before. [46:38.7 – 46:48.9] And it was at that time, two years went by as I slowly got worse and worse and sicker and sicker. [46:48.9 – 46:49.9] I had… [46:49.9 – 46:55.4] I, I became a bleeder, as people do who have cirrhosis of the liver. [46:55.4 – 47:04.0] Uh, I bled all the time from my gums and my nose and every place else that you can bleed from, every orifice of your body. [47:04.0 – 47:09.1] Uh, I got massive bruises all over my body. [47:09.1 – 47:14.8] I got so weak I could hardly drag myself, but I always went into work. [47:14.8 – 47:17.1] Boy, you talk about willpower. [47:17.1 – 47:18.8] Do we have willpower? [47:18.8 – 47:25.7] God, you know, any sane person would, would call in sick for a week. [47:25.7 – 47:30.1] We go dragging into work to prove that we're not alcoholics. [47:30.1 – 47:40.2] And so it was getting, it was getting worse and worse and worse, and it was at the end of that, of that period, uh, [47:40.2 – 47:49.6] that I went on still another business trip and out to Chicago, and it was there that I had this massive esophageal hemorrhage that I was telling you about before. [47:49.6 – 48:00.6] So to bring all you on, on up to date, when I was back in Greenwich, had the second esophageal hemorrhage, damn near died, was [48:00.6 – 48:02.2] still thinking about drinking. [48:02.2 – 48:11.3] My doctor said, "You're going to have to go to a psychiatrist." And I said- Uh, you know, I, um, I'm okay. [48:11.3 – 48:12.6] I don't really need to go. [48:12.6 – 48:16.3] Uh, I, I mean, I'm, I'm not crazy . [48:16.3 – 48:21.1] But he, uh, but he, he, he said… [48:21.1 – 48:22.4] I really had no choice. [48:22.4 – 48:30.5] I mean, I was there in the hospital, and he told me to go, and, and he sent me to the psychiatrist that practiced in the same suite of offices that he did, which was right next to the hospital. [48:30.5 – 48:31.5] So there was no choice. [48:31.5 – 48:32.2] I had to go. [48:32.2 – 48:42.2] And here's where the higher power really entered this alcoholic's life very directly because the man– the psychiatrist that he sent me [48:42.2 – 48:43.7] to was named Dr. [48:43.7 – 48:45.0] Harry Tiebout. [48:45.0 – 48:47.1] Does that name mean anything to you? [48:47.1 – 48:47.4] Yeah. [48:47.4 – 48:56.3] Uh, he was, of course, the one professional in the world who knew more about alcoholism than any other. [48:56.3 – 49:06.9] Uh, he was at that moment serving on your board of trustees as a non-alcoholic trustee. [49:06.9 – 49:09.0] But he didn't let me know this. [49:09.0 – 49:11.5] I went to see him exactly twice. [49:11.5 – 49:19.5] At the end of that time, he called my wife in, and he said, "I'm sorry to say I cannot help your husband." Now, this is very interesting to me. [49:19.5 – 49:23.1] If I do these asides, we'll be here all night. [49:23.1 – 49:25.2] But, uh, the… [49:25.2 – 49:34.0] Do you remember, uh, it was a night just like, just like this. [49:34.0 – 49:44.0] It was in June, and it was– I'd only been in AA a little while, and I was invited to a dinner party down in, in the Village in New York by an AA member. [49:44.0 – 49:47.6] And she had as guests Bill and Lois. [49:47.6 – 49:55.6] And, uh, we went out and back after dinner, and Bill sat on a kind of a stone bench. [49:55.6 – 50:03.7] And all of us newcomers kind of made a little half circle around his feet, which I saw many times afterwards, actually, at the office and other places. [50:03.7 – 50:05.0] That's sort of what he always did. [50:05.0 – 50:08.8] And we asked him about how AA began. [50:08.8 – 50:09.3] What else? [50:09.3 – 50:11.6] That's what everybody always asks him about. [50:11.6 – 50:22.0] And of course, he told the story that I'm sure most of you are familiar with, about the fact that, uh, there was this, uh, yo- this young man who, [50:22.0 – 50:24.5] uh, was a terrible, terrible alcoholic. [50:24.5 – 50:27.0] Um, now I can't even remember his name. [50:27.0 – 50:27.7] What the hell was it? [50:27.7 – 50:32.8] Rowland Hazard, who was such a terrible alcoholic but came from a fine family. [50:32.8 – 50:41.4] They'd tried all the cures on him, but nothing worked, and so they had just really banished him overseas to the greatest psychiatrist of the day, which was Dr. [50:41.4 – 50:42.3] Carl Jung. [50:42.3 – 50:44.1] And he had stayed there for a year. [50:44.1 – 50:51.5] And at the end of that time, Carl Jung called him into his study, and he said, "Rowland, we have been unable to help you. [50:51.5 – 51:01.8] Uh, we have been trying for the last year to bring about a deep psychic change within you to make it possible for you to recover [51:01.8 – 51:11.1] from alcoholism, and we've been unable to do that, so we're going to discharge you." And, uh, Rowland was, of course, I'm sure, slightly shocked. [51:11.1 – 51:16.8] And he said, "Well, is there no hope then?" And, and Do- and Dr. [51:16.8 – 51:20.0] Jung answered him, "No. [51:20.0 – 51:30.1] Our science cannot help your illness." And, you know, I've thought of that so often because I, you know, here I was [51:30.1 – 51:40.2] going to a psychiatrist, and the doctor says to my wife, "My science cannot help your husband's illness." He, she said– he said to her, "He has an [51:40.2 – 51:50.3] Iron Curtain down, drawn down between himself and reality." Uh, and i- you remember, I'm sure you've already heard this [51:50.3 – 51:55.0] last night or today from Joe and Charlie in The Doctor's Opinion. [51:55.0 – 52:05.4] You know, there, there's a point in there where he says the alcoholic reaches the point when he cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality, and therefore, he believes [52:05.4 – 52:09.0] that alcoholic behavior is normal behavior, right? [52:09.0 – 52:15.1] And, and, uh, that, of course, is ex- exactly where I was at that, at that point with, with Dr. [52:15.1 – 52:15.5] Tiebout. [52:15.5 – 52:18.8] So he called me in, told me the sad news. [52:18.8 – 52:29.0] He said, uh, "I just don't have time to probe why you drink because you're gonna die within weeks unless you quit drinking." And he said, "There is– there are some people who can help [52:29.0 – 52:33.4] you," and he told me that he had a friend who was in this fellowship. [52:33.4 – 52:44.1] And he said, uh, "Would you call him?" And I said, "No." I said, "I, I don't want to bother him." And, uh, Tiebout [52:44.1 – 52:52.8] leaned back, and he gave me my first lesson in Alcoholics Anonymous 'cause he leaned back in his chair, and he kind of chuckled, and he said, "These are very peculiar people. [52:52.8 – 53:02.8] They don't consider that a bother at all." And so he called the man who was to become my sponsor and handed the phone to [53:02.8 – 53:07.6] me, and I made my first talk to a man in Alcoholics Anonymous. [53:07.6 – 53:10.1] His name was Stuart Jones. [53:10.1 – 53:17.9] He was a fantastic man to be a sponsor because he was the town attorney for the town of Greenwich. [53:17.9 – 53:19.4] A big shot, right? [53:19.4 – 53:22.6] And, uh, he was, uh… [53:22.6 – 53:30.4] had a big laugh, and he had a big guardsman's mustache, a bald head and a big guardsman's mustache and a great smile. [53:30.4 – 53:35.0] And, and he was a fine potter. [53:35.0 – 53:40.8] He, he created beautiful things on a potter's wheel, but he had a black belt in karate. [53:40.8 – 53:45.6] Uh, he drove a Porsche sports car. [53:45.6 – 53:52.9] Uh, so I went to my first meeting in a sports Por- s– a Porsche sports car. [53:52.9 – 53:56.3] And I thought I deserved no less, believe me. [53:56.3 – 54:06.3] Uh, uh, but, uh, Stu was such a wonderful person for me to have [54:06.3 – 54:14.4] as a sponsor, not only because I was arrogant and snobbish and thought that, uh, you know, I deserved the best. [54:14.4 – 54:20.8] Uh, but because he had this joy, he just exuded joy of living. [54:20.8 – 54:23.0] He was always laughing about something. [54:23.0 – 54:33.0] And, uh, I said to him once, I said, uh, I said, uh, "Stu, why, how can you possibly be so happy when [54:33.0 – 54:35.9] you know that you're never gonna have another drink?" You know, our… [54:35.9 – 54:44.2] The way we feel when we come in, that there's this, this vast grayness that stretches out forever with no fun, no nothing, you know? [54:44.2 – 54:51.0] And he said, "Oh," he said, "I haven't quit drinking for the rest of my life." I said, "You haven't?" You know. [54:51.0 – 54:52.3] That interested me greatly. [54:52.3 – 55:02.4] Uh, and he said, "No," he said, uh, "I've, I just, uh, I've just quit for today." Uh, and he said, uh, "There are lots of people in town who would think [55:02.4 – 55:12.2] it'd be quite likely that I might drink tomorrow." Uh, but he said, "When tomorrow comes, it'll just be another today." See, he was sucking me in. [55:12.2 – 55:14.6] See, just like sponsors so often do. [55:14.6 – 55:18.1] Uh, anyway, he was a, he was a wonderful man. [55:18.1 – 55:22.2] He's dead now, of course, but, uh, uh, he, he was, he was a great beginning for me. [55:22.2 – 55:23.8] But I didn't quit drinking. [55:23.8 – 55:28.6] Uh, I was really too mochas, too far gone at this point. [55:28.6 – 55:32.2] Uh, you know, I was just out of the hospital from… [55:32.2 – 55:39.3] And I'd been drinking for so many years and drinking so hard that my, my mind was gone, really. [55:39.3 – 55:43.6] And I, I was out of touch with the real world. [55:43.6 – 55:46.5] I thought that alcoholic behavior was normal behavior. [55:46.5 – 55:47.4] That's what it was. [55:47.4 – 55:57.9] So I dragged on for another week, and I had, um, a, a really kind of a disastrous experience, too long to tell you, [55:57.9 – 56:08.1] uh, on July 3rd of 1961 at a town fireworks display where I made an absolute ass of myself for [56:08.1 – 56:11.5] everybody in town, uh, during the fireworks display. [56:11.5 – 56:21.7] And realized that what the people in AA had been telling me, and I had not really realized anything about [56:21.7 – 56:29.4] the program up to that time except that it rang in my mind that my life was unmanageable. [56:29.4 – 56:35.4] So I sat down at this fireworks display on a rock and cried. [56:35.4 – 56:39.8] That was my response to this great realization. [56:39.8 – 56:44.1] And it was the next morning that… [56:44.1 – 56:45.3] Now, this is 30 years ago. [56:45.3 – 56:50.1] There was no such thing as interventions, unfortunately, except that my wife invented one. [56:50.1 – 56:55.1] And she got everybody, you know, that you would at an intervention. [56:55.1 – 56:56.3] She had called my boss. [56:56.3 – 56:57.7] She had talked to the minister. [56:57.7 – 56:59.3] The doctor was there. [56:59.3 – 57:02.2] Uh, all the members of the family who were concerned. [57:02.2 – 57:04.6] And they were… [57:04.6 – 57:10.5] When I came down that morning, they were really arguing, not arguing, they were discussing about where they were gonna put me away. [57:10.5 – 57:11.1] Oh, yes. [57:11.1 – 57:14.3] She had been to a lawyer, and she had gotten commitment papers. [57:14.3 – 57:15.6] How do you like that for a wife? [57:15.6 – 57:22.1] Uh, and they were gonna commit me as a chronic inebriate just to… [57:22.1 – 57:24.8] for my own protection, of course, really, to keep me from drinking. [57:24.8 – 57:30.3] And so I was trying to enter the conversation, but they weren't interested. [57:30.3 – 57:35.7] They were- They were discussing S- Silver Hill. [57:35.7 – 57:40.4] They were discussing Newtown, the state insane asylum, and- … [57:40.4 – 57:44.5] my friend over here is certainly acquainted with. [57:44.5 – 57:46.5] Taken many meetings in, haven't you? [57:46.5 – 57:56.6] And, uh, finally, um, I had heard somebody at one of these meetings say, "Where you belong is High Watch Farm." [57:56.6 – 58:01.3] So I said, "Where I belong is High Watch Farm," and they sent me to High Watch Farm. [58:01.3 – 58:04.2] They sent me kicking and screaming. [58:04.2 – 58:14.7] I was full of anger, and hate, and rage, and disgust, and every kind of a cesspool of emotion that you can imagine [58:14.7 – 58:19.7] because they just threw me into this farm for alcoholics. [58:19.7 – 58:22.3] A bunch of peasants in there, I said. [58:22.3 – 58:23.4] A bunch of peasants. [58:23.4 – 58:33.6] Uh, but somehow or other, during the days which then became a couple of weeks, not 28-day [58:33.6 – 58:39.3] programs in those days, but a couple of weeks, uh, some magic happened up there. [58:39.3 – 58:43.9] People like you were coming to share your experience, and strength, and hope. [58:43.9 – 58:47.8] And they said that I should read the big book, which I did. [58:47.8 – 58:52.5] They said that I should take the steps, which I did one morning. [58:52.5 – 58:59.9] Uh, and, uh, I… [58:59.9 – 59:07.6] Part of the therapy of the farm, which is a rustic place, is that you pitch in and help with the work. [59:07.6 – 59:11.1] And I, I w- I did the dishwashing and the dish drying. [59:11.1 – 59:16.2] And mind you, I wouldn't have been caught dead doing this in my own home. [59:16.2 – 59:21.2] But on a drunk farm, there I was up to my elbows in dishwater. [59:21.2 – 59:22.7] And guess what happened? [59:22.7 – 59:32.9] I began to communicate with these people and to joke with them, the people who were around me, you know, getting the dishes as I was, I was w- washing [59:32.9 – 59:33.1] them. [59:33.1 – 59:37.3] And, you know, I began to, I began to relate to people. [59:37.3 – 59:40.9] Hell, I hadn't related to people for years before that. [59:40.9 – 59:42.9] And so I began to recover. [59:42.9 – 59:53.5] I was there for a couple of weeks, and then I came back and affiliated with the Greenwich group and began to go to meetings, began to get enthusiastic, [59:53.5 – 59:58.8] began to participate and take part, and the recovery began to take place. [59:58.8 – 60:04.4] And I have never, uh, had a drink since that Independence Day. [60:04.4 – 60:08.1] Wes Irvine, who ran the farm, used to say… [60:08.1 – 60:14.4] When we went out speaking, why he would say, uh, "Bob here got sober on Independence Day. [60:14.4 – 60:25.0] Isn't that a wonderful day to get sober?" And that was my clue to say, "Any day is a wonderful day to get sober." And so the, [60:25.0 – 60:31.8] the benefits of this program have been so many that I can't begin to tell you about them. [60:31.8 – 60:39.6] I think they're summed up really in what I told you about my day today, because that's the way that every day is. [60:39.6 – 60:47.4] I– My relations with my wife, with my children, grandchildren have all stemmed from this program. [60:47.4 – 60:51.4] Physical health has come back thanks to this program. [60:51.4 – 60:57.2] Uh, and above all, reality has returned. [60:57.2 – 61:05.4] I mean, I never knew reality really from the time I was a little boy until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. [61:05.4 – 61:14.8] And behold, the reality that I had been trying to escape from for years and years turned out to be beautiful. [61:14.8 – 61:23.0] Just as it is tonight, as I'm sitting here to be with all of you people and to see you out there. [61:23.0 – 61:29.1] This is reality for this moment, because mind you, we don't just live a day at a time. [61:29.1 – 61:32.0] We live one heartbeat at a time, right? [61:32.0 – 61:36.7] One day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time. [61:36.7 – 61:39.3] And that's the only reality that we have. [61:39.3 – 61:41.7] The only reality I have is this very moment. [61:41.7 – 61:45.7] And it's, it's really beautiful to be with you. [61:45.7 – 61:54.8] And I really feel that we are so blessed because I think that maybe, you know, everybody pursues peace, peace of mind. [61:54.8 – 61:59.0] And I think perhaps that we finally, we have peace. [61:59.0 – 62:07.8] Uh, peace with ourselves, first of all, and with our fellow man, and peace with God. [62:07.8 – 62:09.3] I do thank you. [62:09.3 – 62:23.7] Thank [62:23.7 – 62:24.2] you, guys. [62:24.2 – 62:31.4] Well, it's been a long day for all of us. [62:31.4 – 62:39.5] Uh, I think a lot of us, uh, are gonna list Bob on our resentment list for sailing without us while we sat a whole day on these hard seats, you know? [62:39.5 – 62:46.9] Uh, but, uh, I've truly enjoyed this, this whole day, and thank you for summing it up for us. [62:46.9 – 62:50.7] Uh, we will be starting again at nine sharp tomorrow. [62:50.7 – 62:54.2] And, uh, we'll close with the Lord's Prayer.