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Source: Adam T – La Hacienda Reunion, TX. – 2004 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: adam-t-la-hacienda-reunion-tx-2004-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:01:41
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Adam Alcoholic. First of all, I'd like to thank Chris for asking me to come out here and talk. It's always an honor and a privilege to be asked to participate in Alcoholics Anonymous in my recovery, and ultimately it's a responsibility to give back what was so freely given to me. And I want to welcome anybody that's new here or returning to recovery. I was new in AA for what seems to be eternity now, and where I come from they give you little chips for various lengths of sobriety, like 30, 60, 90 days, and I had so many chips in the end that it was like, I mean, I could have played poker with them, you know, just all these chips, and people were like, just sit down, don't even bother. And what happened in the end for me is that I started coming to meetings drunk, and you know, that's a pretty ugly place to be. And the thing is about coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous drunk these days is people are like, what's he doing here? You know, because a lot of the treatment centers, you fatten up for another run, and by the time you come to AA you look great.
And so, it was hopeless for me, and for many, many years I was one of those people that just could not get sober. And if you're in that situation, or you're in your last 30 days, you know, I hope we can inspire you a little bit. There's always somebody in their last 30 days here. But, you know, I'm an alumni from a couple of places. I went through treatment, and as a matter of fact, I went through treatment 28 times. Now, I'm not going to go through the whole list, but it would be safe to say that I'm an alumni from everywhere. Now, I told my sponsor that. I said, you know, I went through treatment 28 times, and he said, doesn't make you an alcoholic. And I thought, you've got to be kidding. And what he said is he said, no, it means you paid half a million dollars for a big book. For many, many years, I looked at all the despicable, disgusting things that I had done when I was drinking, you know, the emergency rooms, and the treatment centers, and the jails, and I thought that that's what made me an alcoholic. And I got around a group of people that started to help me understand some of the causes and conditions of this disease, and eventually I had to look at that. So there I was, one more time, in one more detox, 120 pounds, totally lost, broken, and absolutely hopeless. And I'm, you know, I'm sitting in the circle in detox with my fellow associates, you know, a vision for you. And this woman comes in. We have a thing called H&I, which is hospitals and institutions, and she comes in on her AA panel in her business suit, you know, and she's looking us all up and down, and she said, if I could give you all the gift of recovery, I wouldn't do it. And I looked at her and I looked at my friend and I said, what a bitch. And then what she said was something that was eventually to change my life. She said, the reason I wouldn't do it is because I wouldn't rob you of the journey. And all of these years later, I understand that that journey to recovery, like that journey to surrender, is something that's very, very personal. And nobody could give me that. I can't transmit something I haven't got. I obviously can't transmit something that you don't want. But if we're both sitting in this room and we do have a message that's grounded in the truth about this disease, and there's people in these rooms that are seeking that solution, then we have a common problem and a common solution. And it took a long time for me to really have some clarity on what that journey was to recovery, because who am I, after being a newcomer for 17 years, you know, to judge some guy that can't get this? Or to say, well, what are you doing wrong? Or what happened this time? And it's like, I had to walk that path like all of us do. Some people have said that Alcoholics Anonymous is the most expensive club on the planet. And if you really think about the cost of admission, you know, losing the house, the job, the car, your self-respect,
[00:05:05]
all of that stuff that we have to get to, to come in here and be willing to do this, you know, it's a heavy price to pay. And the interesting thing about this is that what I discovered is there's a relationship between surrender and willingness. And for many, many years I didn't understand the word surrender. I would hear it, but I never understood it because it's not an intellectual concept. And I do a panel over at the VA, and these are soldiers. Talking to soldiers about surrender is not a popular topic. But it was one of the greatest illustrations of surrender that I'd ever heard. Because if you ever watch a soldier surrender, you'll see that soldier take the rifle, lay it down on the side of the road, sit down, and wait for someone to tell him what to do. He doesn't throw down the gun. He doesn't sit on the side of the road and look back at the gun, thinking about, you know, what he's going to do with it, because someone will shoot him. And, you know, there's a guy by the name of Dr. Harry Thiebaud who was one of the contributing members to some of the information that we use in the big book and Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's a big difference between compliance and surrender. Compliance is, I'm doing this to keep the family, to keep family services off my back. I'm doing it to satisfy my PO. I might be doing it for a hundred reasons. There's a hundred reasons why I might be doing this.
There's a big difference between compliance and surrender. And there's a lot of information that was brought to my attention about that soldier laying down that rifle, because that actually is a completely unconditional act. Done. And I had to be completely exhausted of self-will and self-reliance and really get to that place. And it's funny, because there is a direct relationship between surrender and willingness. You ever notice how willing people are when they first come in here and they're calling every day to try to get a bed or, you know, they first come back to AA after they've been severely beaten by alcohol or some of the other stuff around here? They'll do anything. 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, they're willing to do anything. And 30, 60 days later, they're like, you mean I've got to go to a meeting every day? You know, it's like a prize fighter that takes the towel and throws it in and says, I'm done, and then starts to take the towel back one little piece at a time. And I did that over and over and over again. And I could not, I just couldn't get to the place where I could surrender. You know, the concept of powerless really comes down to not the fact that I can't drink again. Powerless really means to me that I will drink again, and that I've lost the power of choice. And Bill Wilson obviously thought that was pretty important because the first third of the first 164 pages, he's still talking about step one, that, you know, I can't bring to consciousness with sufficient force, you know, the memory of a few days or a few weeks or months ago, and that I have no mental defense. And I had to start to look at that, that, you know, because you hear people in AA say, well, just don't drink no matter what. No, no, that's great, but why don't I just join Nancy Reagan's merry band of winners and just say no. You've got to be kidding. I drink no matter what. And I got to look at that. I couldn't live with alcohol and I couldn't live without it. And at some point I have to look at that too.
A friend of mine used to say, if you're a real alcoholic, maybe alcohol isn't the problem. And he said, if it's just alcohol, that's the problem. Maybe not a real alcoholic. Because if it was just the booze, a lot of us would have recovered a long time ago. You know, there was something much deeper. And I want to talk a little about that because I thought for years that it was alcohol and I couldn't understand every time I stopped, you know, why people were saying, you ought to drink, man. And I want to talk about that a little bit. There's a big difference between admitting I'm an alcoholic and really, really accepting it. And, you know, it was real easy to admit it. I could admit it in the school yard, you know, in seventh or eighth grade. It was easy to admit it. I could admit it every time I checked into, you know, treatment center, every time I was in county jail, every
[00:10:02]
time I was in an emergency room. Easy to admit it. But to truly accept it, to accept that I'm bodily and mentally different than my fellows, big difference. I can't sit there looking at a guy drinking a half a beer and start to debate why I can't do that. You know, I start having that debate, I lose. And, you know, for me, every time I pick up a drink, you know, there's a rock at the bottom of it, you know. I knew that'd get somebody.
Every time I pick up a drink, it's an emergency room or handcuffs. Every time I pick up a drink, I might as well check in in one of these facilities because for this type of alcoholic, I have to be physically removed from alcohol. Once I start, I cannot stop. And I'll drink until I'm dead. And it's like, that's baffling to me. And funny enough, with all this information, it doesn't mean anything. The information is excellent to transmit a message that's grounded in the truth, but in and of itself, it was insufficient to keep me sober. And I really, truly had to look at that. That, you know, I mean, I look at step one, it's like getting in a cage with a gorilla. You know, you have sex with a gorilla, it's not over until the gorilla's done, right? You know, and then you get the gorilla back in the cage, right? And he starts looking at you with those loving eyes again. I'm lonely, you know? Remember how it was in high school? Please let me out just for a second. I won't do it this time, I promise. Just let me out for a second. You know, the same thing occurs over and over and over again, and I'm brutalized by this thing. It's not enough to keep me sober. It's like life had its moments, and because of the, I spend the rest of my life trying to recapture those moments. It's like I'm sitting in the high school gym, twenty years later, the band's gone, the lights are out, I'm all alone, and I'm thinking, where's the party? You know, there's nothing worse than sitting in a bar out there with a head full of AA and a belly full of booze. You know, it's an ugly place to be, and what I've found is in that situation, I'm separate, different, and alone out there trying to drink like normal people, just like if I'm sitting in these rooms in AA and I'm not doing the work. I can be just as separate, different, and alone by nature in these rooms not doing the work as I am sitting out there with a head full of AA and a belly full of booze.
And I had to, there's a lot of very interesting parallels that go on here, and it took a long time for me to have some clarity to really see that, and to really understand that, you know, I will drink again, unless I find a spiritual solution. And, you know, fear won't keep me sober. I really at some point have to look at that. I don't know if you guys remember a thing called scared straight, but did that work for you? You know, getting a third strike, living on the street, being homeless, losing my family, losing my teeth, living in poverty, none of that is sufficient to keep me sober. Now a problem drinker, given sufficient reason, can stop or moderate. Big difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic. Now, you get the problem drinker and the real alcoholic in a drunk tank for drunk driving. Problem drinker's on one side of the cell and he's thinking, you know, I knew I shouldn't have drank that fifth beer. Why'd I drink that fifth beer?
Real alcoholics on the other side of the cell thinking, why'd I take the ten? Right? Problem drinker's wife says, you know, if you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you. Problem drinker tries to clean up his act, right? Get a little Visine, straighten out a little bit. If my woman says to me, if you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking about single life. Let me tell you, you're a real alcoholic.
The first thing we realize, you know, I know about one day at a time. Let me get drunk today and I'll go to jail tomorrow. You know, but at the same time, I realized that I had compromised everything in my life to keep drinking. If anything got in the way, I'm To Keep Drinking. If anything got in the way of my drinking, it was out of my life.
[00:15:02]
The woman got in the way, the career, eventually there was nothing left but alcohol. It took it all. And understanding that today and looking at how we live and this Design for Living and Alcoholics Anonymous, I have to look at the fact that if anything gets in the way of my recovery today, it's out of my life. I hate to say it, it's kind of harsh, but you know, I remember saying that. If a woman gets in the way of my recovery, she's out of my life and there she was.
You know, the next day it's like, you know, she appeared and I had to make a decision. If a job gets in the way of my recovery for this type of alcoholic, I see a lot of guys around here with huge jobs and little tiny programs. They never stay the test. They don't stand the test of time. They don't endure, you know, the changes that a lot of us have to go through. I just haven't seen it in my experience. I've been around these rooms a long time.
And in reality, you know, when people ask me, well, what do you do for a living? And in my mind, I don't tell them this, but in my mind, I stay sober. Oh, what do I do for money? That's over there. If I get those mixed up, I'm drunk and then nothing matters. There's nothing left. Again, I'm left with, you know, that bottle. And I had to really look at that and be very, very clear on that. There's a big difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic.
And I had to start to look. The book is very clear on that. And, you know, knowledge won't keep me sober. It took a long time for me to get some clarity on that. Because, you know, I told my sponsor, I said, I had a degree when I came in here. And you know what he told me? He said, thermometers have degrees. He said, you know where they put those? He wasn't impressed, you know. So, you know, there I am one more time.
You know, I'm on skid row like behind a dumpster drunk. And I'm reciting chapter five. You know, ruining my associates high, you know. And I'm crying my eyes out. I'm crying my eyes out because I can't get back here. And I've got all this information. I've got all this information and I can't get sober. And at the end of every meeting where I come from, they say, keep coming back, it works if you work it.
I've never been to a meeting where they say, keep coming back, it works if you know it. So if you're new and honestly you really think that you're going to get a couple of classes, little information, maybe an annual follow-up, and you're never going to drink again, maybe you will. Our experience is that this is a program of action. It's a set of spiritual principles. They have to be applied in my life every day.
And until I understood that and I came to terms with some of those facts about this disease, about the common problem and the common solution, there was very little hope that I was going to recover. And I really, really had to understand that. This information is excellent, but if we don't have a common problem, we don't have a common solution. I go into meetings of AA and you've got alcoholics, you've got addicts, you've got alcoholic addicts, then you've got addict alcoholics that are somehow different.
Got a few dope fiends in the back. They're worse than all of us, right? And, you know, there's ultimately 412 step programs, and they're all identical except for the first half of step one. I can play musical poisons all day long in the first half of step one. If I never really dealt with the spiritual malady, which is the second half of step one, that I want to talk about, there was very little hope that I was going to get back here and understand what the problem really was.
I love it when they say, think it through. That's my favorite. Think, thinking. That's great. The idea's good. But think it through. You know, just play the tape through. I think it through to Skid Row. You know what my head tells me? It wasn't that bad out there. I get a cardboard box and a toothless honey. I can make it out there. Think it through doesn't work for me. I'm sorry. But a problem drinker can stop or moderate.
Fear, knowledge, thinking it through will work for them.
[00:20:00]
For me, it was insufficient to keep me sober. And I really, really had to look at what it was that was really driving me back to drinking again. I always thought it was the alcohol. I heard this great joke. I'm sure there's some hunters in here. This guy gets this rifle, and it's been told before, but he gets this rifle for his birthday, and he always wanted to hunt a polar bear. So he goes up to Alaska, and he shoots this polar bear.
And he's going over to look at his kill, and there's a tap on his shoulder. And he looks behind him, and there's this bigger polar bear. The polar bear says, you just shot my son. And he's, like, terrified. So the polar bear says, you've got two choices. You either let me have my way with you, or I'm going to maul you to death. So a couple weeks later, he's healing up in the hospital. And now he's got a resentment, right?
So he goes up there looking for this polar bear. And he sees this bear. It looks just like him. He shoots him, goes over to look at his kill. Same thing, tap on his shoulder, bigger polar bear. Same thing, have my way with you, or I'm going to maul you to death. Healing up in the hospital. This goes on and on and on. And he's got a resentment. Finally, he goes back up there, and this is the biggest polar bear he's ever seen.
He shoots him, and sure enough, he thinks it's over. There's a tap on his shoulder, and this huge polar bear says, you know, we've been watching you. He says, you're not really up here for the hunting, are you? I always thought that it was the alcohol. I thought that it was because it made me feel good. But in reality, I was drinking to solve a spiritual malady. I was drinking because it created a change in me.
What a sad thing that all my life I had been doing this because I thought I was having fun, and in reality, I was looking for a spiritual experience. And I didn't even know it. And there's so many people out there that don't know it. And you see them killing themselves. And they think they're having fun. Until I got something better through this process, I didn't know any better. I just did what I knew.
You know, it's a sad thing because you see a lot of people come into Alcoholics Anonymous, and the doctor's opinion talks about some people that are normal in every respect except the effect produced by alcohol, meaning that the phenomenon of craving is really the common denominator that ties us together, whether we're periodics and we go out in one night and destroy a family or a marriage or we do it every day.
I can't stop once I start. I can't control the amount I take. But some people come in here, and they drank just the way I did. They did all the disgusting, despicable things that I did when I was drinking, like peed in their brand-new girlfriend's underwear drawer or threw up all over their best friend's car. You know, we've got some great stories around here. You could write a book on it. And the thing is, they did all the things I did, and I've seen these guys come into Alcoholics Anonymous, and as soon as they put the drink down, everything works for them.
They fit in. They're part of. Their career welcomes them back. And they'll come to meetings once a year. They'll never take a step. Their life will get continually better. And they'll look at us. They'll look at me, and they'll say, You drank again? My experience, every single time I put the drink down, the first thing they'd say to me is, Boy, you need to be on medication. Why are you so angry? Why are you so emotional?
Why can't you sit still? You know, and I'm crying at dog food commercials. And at some point, I had to start to look at that second half of step one and understand that when I wasn't drinking, I had a whole other set of problems. And our book is very clear. I hate to cite pages, but page 52 talks about untreated alcoholism. It's really describing the spiritual malady. And when I'm not drinking, I'm a prey to misery and depression.
When I'm not drinking, I can't control my emotional nature. When I'm not drinking, I can't manage my personal relationships. When I'm not drinking, I'm full of fear. When I'm not drinking, I'm of no use to other people. When I'm not drinking, I'm basically unhappy. Now, the way that plays out for this type of alcoholic, again, when I'm hanging in there and I'm not drinking, is I don't fit in.
[00:25:00]
I'm not part of. You don't understand me. Life doesn't treat me right. I'm underappreciated. They're not paying me enough. Everybody's in my way. She's cheating on me. For God's sake, I got to drink. And as soon as I pick up a cocktail, I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to battle me. Right? You give me a couple more drinks, my whole attitude and outlook upon life changes. Three, four more drinks, fear of people and economic insecurity leave me.
I'm buying a whole bar of drinks. Better looking, too. Right? You give me a couple of Viking and I can comprehend the word serenity and I know peace. Right? You give me a little cocaine, I want to start a business with you. Right? You get me down to my last 20 bucks, no matter how far down the scale I've gone, I'll show you how my experience will benefit others. We got a plan. You know, the sad thing about that is if you really look at the promises, the 12 promises that are outlined in the book, at the end of the promises, what it says is we finally saw that God could do for us what we could not do for ourselves.
My sponsor said, well, let's look at alcohol, when alcohol really worked. Not in the end, but when it really worked. And when booze really worked for me, it solved that problem. And I just proved it by showing you that when alcohol worked, it did each and every one of those things for me. And at some point, I had to look at that fact that, you know what, the conclusion there is there's a relationship between God and alcohol.
And I never saw it before. Alcohol gave me the illusion that my life is manageable. And the relationship between God and alcohol, as a lot of us know, if you get to the ghettos in this country, you get to places where there's absolutely nothing left, there's two things that always stick out. Churches and liquor stores. Why do you think that is? Because they both give man hope. They both give man hope.
You take the booze away from me, the one thing that gave me the courage to ask that pretty girl out, the one thing that gave me the guts to go after that big job, the one thing that made me connected with myself, with you, and with this power in the universe that made me one, you take the one thing away from me that gave me the wings to fly, and you don't give me something better? You think I'm going to stay in these rooms?
Just don't drink no matter what? Not a chance. When I'm not drinking, I'm chasing you four exits past my exit on the freeway, right? Got a few of those in here, huh? When I'm not drinking, I'm counting your items in the checkout line, you know? When I'm not drinking, I am so separate, different, and alone by nature, my own mom is like, for God's sake, drink, son, you are nicer. I'm hard to live with.
Insanity. I always thought insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results. You hear that a lot in AA, but a little deeper than that, real insanity for us is doing the same thing, knowing exactly what's going to happen, and doing it anyway. And surrender, like I was talking about with that soldier that lays down that rifle, the first surrender may be to alcohol around here, but somewhere further down the line, there's another surrender to the will of God.
And, you know, God's a topic that I've tried to avoid for a long time, because I had a lot of old ideas, a lot of old ideas about God, and I don't want to offend anybody today, but I didn't want to pray, I didn't want God to find out where I was. I had a lot of old ideas about a punishing God, about a condemning God. You know, a lot of old ideas, like if you get in a closet and pray for a hot dog, you know you'll starve to death.
Or you'll hear, you know, God… Or you'll hear, God can move mountains, but please bring a shovel.
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Or, you know, there was another one, I believed in a Santa Claus God for a long time. And if I was good, I should get a reward. And what I had done, is I had given finite human conditions to an infinite power. I tell my spotsies, don't pray for women, God's not a pimp, right? Carl Jung wrote a letter to Bill W. about the relationship between spirits and spirituality. And it goes back to the relationship between God and alcohol.
Alcohol was an artificial means to a spiritual experience for people like us. These twelve steps are a practical means, by design, to a spiritual experience. I can't take the booze away without having a spiritual vacuum. I have to put something in its place. You'll hear people in AA say, oh, it's not for people that need it, it's for people that want it. I beg to differ. It's for people that do it.
I wanted it for seventeen years. Just like I wanted to change. I wish I could have changed. Why can't you change? They used to say that all the time. Then there's a contradiction. If you don't change, your sobriety date will. But how do I get to that change, and how do I understand what these old ideas about God mean? There was a guy named Chuck C. that used to talk about, really, there's only one problem and one solution.
He said the problem is a conscious separation from God. The solution, a conscious contact with God. Steps are over there. I had to start to understand that there was a bridge from that conscious separation back to a conscious contact with God. That bridge was the twelve steps. Until I really understood what the problem was, and had some concept, because it wasn't just alcohol. It was that conscious separation from God.
All of those old ideas. Bill W. talks a lot about that. He talks about the actor trying to be the director. He's forever trying to arrange the lights, and the ballet, and the scenery, and all the players. If everybody would just stay put, my life would be fine. One of the things that I saw in there, that all of my life I had also given God a role in my play. When God didn't meet my finite human expectations, I created that separation.
Some of these steps will actually show me how to face and be rid of the things in myself that are blocking me from that. It's a relationship of cause and effect. If I take these actions, I will get a result. A good friend of ours used to talk about the Eskimo. If you ever heard the story of the Eskimo, or that concept, this person was my Eskimo. That comes from the story of a priest and an atheist.
They're in a bar in Alaska. The priest says to the atheist, why don't you believe in God? The atheist says, oh, I tried God once. The priest says, well, what do you mean? The atheist says, well, I was out in a blizzard. I was out in the snow. I couldn't see my hands in front of me. I was stumbling around, and I knew I was going to die. I got on my knees, and I said, well, God, if there's a God, please help me.
I'm going to die. The priest looks him right in the eye, and he says, well, you must believe in God. You're sitting here. You know what the atheist said? He goes, no, you don't understand. The atheist says, well, I jumped into this Eskimo, and he showed me the way back into town. So if you're new here, and you may not want what we have, but if you don't want what you have, try to find some people around here that are doing this, that are not only here and they're abstinent, but they're living the dream, and they're having fun, and they've got relationships that work, and ask them what they're doing.
There's people around here that'll go to the end of the earth if you want to stay sober. If you want to drink, you're probably going to do it alone. But we will help you, and that's why we're here. My sponsor told me that. He was mean. He said, if you're not willing to help others, you're going to die. I mean, that was it. You know, any deeper than that. But I had to understand that, and I had to start again to look at some of those old ideas.
The illustration about the Eskimo really comes down to the fact that initially for us, and this relationship with God is an evolutionary process, but at first it was a group of drunks, G-O-D, the Eskimos that showed me the way back into town. Eventually, that became good, orderly direction.
[00:35:02]
It became a set of actions. In some of the original literature, it used to say, rarely have we seen a person fail that's thoroughly followed our directions. You know, they were very strict about the way that some of the writing was done. You know, like at step three, it's like, if you're not convinced, throw the book away. It's going to be a waste of time until, you know, being convinced of three certain things that, you know, I really want to talk about.
Because it points back again, at the end of chapter five, the reading, we always say our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas. The first of which is that I'm an alcoholic and I can't manage my life. And I'm thinking, before and after what? Before and after I put down a drink. See, the problem drinker comes in here and looks at the unmanageability as being based on his drinking.
When I was drinking, I couldn't make it to work. When I was drinking, I couldn't show up for Little League. When I was drinking, I couldn't pay my bills, make my commitments. And what we're saying, again, is that before and after I put down a drink, I've got a whole other set of problems. And those are the ones that are described on page 52. And drunk or sober, I couldn't remedied that. Just like no human power, in reality, can keep me sober.
I spent 17 years in these rooms, drunk. And until I really did the work and made that bridge from steps four to nine, there was very, very little hope that I was going to recover from this. And there's a big difference between faith and trust. If there was a high wire across this room, say, for example, and a tightrope walker started walking across the tightrope, like pushing a wheelbarrow, we'd all look at him and we'd think, well, he's up there, he'll probably make it.
That's faith. You know what trust is? You'll get in the wheelbarrow. Big difference. Big difference. See, in the third tradition, you hear the only requirement in AA is a requirement to stop drinking. That's the only requirement for membership. A desire to stop drinking. That may be the only requirement to sit in this room. I don't let anybody in here, right? There's another huge requirement in order to stay here.
On page 25, it talks about none of us, like the leveling of our pride, the soul searching, and the confession of shortcomings that the process requires for its successful consummation. There's three elements in there. One is process, one is requirement, and one is consummation. The process is steps four through nine. It's getting in that wheelbarrow. It's a requirement for a real alcoholic to stay here.
And consummation means completion. It's implying that four through nine has to be complete. Really, what I think they should say, and I don't want to change the rules around here, rarely have we seen a person fail that's done steps four through nine. Rarely have we ever seen anybody do four through nine, right? One, two, three, drink. One, two, three, drink. It's called the AA waltz, if you don't know.
Until I started to understand that I had to have a spiritual awakening, a psychic change, a revolution in my attitude, there was very little hope. And there's different ways that I became motivated to really do that and to understand a little bit about what God's will was. I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Turn my will in life over to something I've been trying to avoid. One of the greatest analogies I had heard was, the ship's in the ocean, it's going across the sea, and it sees this light on the horizon.
So the skipper gets on the radio and he says, turn your course 10 degrees to the north. A couple minutes later, there's a reply, no, you turn your course 10 degrees to the south. And the next thing you know, they're in this argument. Turn your course 10 degrees to the north. It's coming closer. So the captain gets on the ship and he says, I am the captain of this ship. We demand you turn your course 10 degrees to the north.
Reply comes back, I'm a seaman, no, you turn your course. And the final radio address is, we are a battleship. We demand you redirect your course 10 degrees to the north. And you know what the final reply is? I'm a lighthouse. Now, I can't understand what my will is until I have certain facts about my longitude and latitude, my nautical speed. There's certain facts I have to have to change my course.
And those facts are in steps four through nine.
[00:40:03]
And until I was able to plot that course and really understand what I was dealing with, there's no hope of my recovery. Because I'm so separate, different, alone by nature when I'm not drinking based on my old ideas. I have no other course but to drink. And it took me a long time to understand what they were talking about. That that third step decision, you know, if there's three birds on a wire and one decides to fly away, there's not two.
There's still three because a decision means absolutely nothing unless at once followed by action. And the book's very clear about that. The third step has little lasting effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things that are blocking me. It doesn't say face and cope with, face and deal with, face and go to therapy over, face and whine about from up here over.
It's just face and be rid of. The word rid of is used several times coming up to the fourth and fifth step. It's amazing if you look where they talk about that. There are things within myself that are blocking me. And I've heard some very interesting ways to motivate people. If you tell a little kid, I want you to go in your room and straighten out your room, he doesn't want to do that. You tell that same little kid, I want you to go in your room and throw out all your old stuff and we'll buy you new stuff.
Two minutes. And when I started to understand inventory from that perspective, completely changed. It wasn't so much about my deep dark secrets, but it was about my resentments, my conduct and my fear. And I had to look at it and the book is very explicit on a set of directions that will create a result, cause and effect. You take these actions, one will get an effect from that. And I had to look at that.
I had all of these old ideas. One of the greatest analogies is they take these big chains and they chain these elephants to these trees. So every time the elephant tries to run away, it feels the pain. It actually comes to believe that it can't get away. It believes it because the chain is holding him to this tree. When the elephant grows up, they grow up to be monsters. I mean, you couldn't get one in this room.
All you have to do is take a little wooden stake and a little tiny rope and you will die right there. And that elephant could pull down a house. But a belief system that's been established so strongly like us. When we talk about the third step prayer, we talk about relieve me of the bondage of self. Alcoholism is the only prison where the key is inside. And all of my life I'd look outside to solve a problem that was really within us.
The fundamental idea of God is within every single soul. It's within all of us. And in order for me to find it, I have to face and be rid of the things in me that are blocking me from it. And the book talks about seven aspects of self. Esteem. Don't you know who I think I am? Pride. Don't you know who I pretend to be? Security. Don't you know what I need? Ambition. What I want. I immediately go to resentment.
In Latin, resentment means to re-feel. You know what I do with it? I take poison and I hope you die. Life's the puck and I'm the stick. It just keeps beating me back and forth. Until I was clear on that, most people are intellect over emotion. People like myself are emotion over intellect. And I had all of these old ideas. It goes back to that play. Bill talks about the actor trying to be the director.
I can look at those seven aspects of self in the third column the same way. Esteem is the role I assign myself. Pride is the role I assign others. Security is what I need out of the scene to be okay. Ambition is what I want out of the scene. And it's like I have all of these old ideas. And every time I'm harmed, threatened, or interfered with, I immediately go back to resentment. My life's like Groundhog Day.
Because I re-feel it, re-think it, re-live it, and re-enact it in every area of my life. It's like I've got a button on my forehead that says push me. And then I do an emotional dance. You step on my toe, I'm going to break my leg to show you. You tell me to go left, I'll go right, even if there's a cliff there. And then I'll blame you all the way down. Right? Even if there's a cliff there. And then I'll blame you all the way down.
Defiance is one of my primary characteristics. And I think most of us
[00:45:01]
come from that place. And I had to start to really look at that. That I had some defective thinking. I had a lot of old ideas. And I'm asked to look at that. I'm asked to look. It says that we realize that people who offended us were also spiritually sick. And it talks about like ourselves. So every time I looked at resentment, I had to look at how I did the same thing. I resented her for cheating on me. And then I had to look at how I cheated on her with my true love, alcohol, all the time.
You know, I lied to myself that she really didn't need affection and attention. There's a million ways to look at the dishonesty. The dishonesty wasn't my dishonesty with you as much as it was my dishonesty with myself. I met her in rehab. I can't believe she drank. I knew he worked for the mob. I can't believe he ripped me off. All of these old ideas that had been established. It's almost like God gave me a paintbrush and I just tore up the house and then sat there.
And I had to look at how I chose to dance with almost every single person on my resentment list. And I had to really, really look at that. And they say, oh, you're not responsible for your disease out there drinking. Why do they have a ninth step? I got to take a look at that stuff at some point. And, you know, like I talked about, 412-step programs, they're all identical except for the first half of step one.
I started to play musical poisons. Instead of doing four through nine, you know, I would put down the drink and, like, pick up a fork. You know, and the next thing you know, I can't see my feet. I'm back on my knees, just like that soldier laying down the rifle with gluttony, saying, God, please, I can't live like this anymore. And I'm surrendered again. Put down the fork, pick up a credit card. That's greed, right?
You know, back in Vegas, doing the same thing, trying to borrow money to get home. And I had to start to look at that. For every one of those seven deadly sins we talk about, there's another X number of 12-step programs. And they all fit into those seven categories. You know, I start acting out with lust. Oh, can't go to that meeting again. Can't go to this meeting again. Can't go to that rehab again.
It's ridiculous, because that's what it talks about. When we straighten out spiritually, we straighten out mentally and physically. And I had never straightened out spiritually. I had just played musical poisons again. And it took a long time for me to get to a place where I became clear on that. And when I did four through nine, exactly as it was outlined in the book, I started to straighten out in those other areas.
And that's a really great place to be. One of the things I talked about is that, you know, I went through treatment 28 times. The neatest thing about doing that was to be able to go back into some of those facilities and carry this message. To be able to go back and talk about Alcoholics Anonymous. And I heard this great analogy that this kid goes on vacation with his parents to Tahiti. And on the beaches there, they have all these starfish that dry out and die on the beaches.
Millions of them. And this little boy, he disappears for like a decade. His dad can't find him anywhere on the island. And he's looking everywhere for this little kid. And he goes out onto the sand, and he sees his son out there, and there's millions and millions of these starfish. And the little boy's throwing starfish back into the ocean. And the father said, son, what are you doing? What difference could you possibly make?
There's millions of them. And the little boy picked up one starfish, and he looked at his dad, and he looked at the starfish, and he said, dad, I made a difference for this one. You know? And this whole process has been about that. You know, there's a poem in Notre Dame that says, I sought my God, my God I could not see. I sought my soul, my soul I could not free. I sought my brother, and I found all three.
Nothing ensures immunity more than intense work with others. It is our twelfth and final suggestion. And ultimately, all of this work we do in 439, I always thought that work was working on myself. It wasn't. It was facing and being rid of the things in myself that were blocking me from you and from God. They asked Michelangelo, they said, how did you make the Statue of David? And Michelangelo said, I never made the Statue of David.
All I did was rip away everything that wasn't David, and there he was. See, if I face and be rid of the things in myself that are blocking me from God, by default, I am left with that spiritual experience. And I have to look at that.
[00:50:00]
You hear a lot of things in AA that aren't necessarily in the book, like, oh, don't judge anybody, right? You ever hear that one? Five minutes later, they're telling you to stick with the winners. How about, don't make any decisions in your first year? We've all heard that. Let's take a look at that third step. Or how about the other one? I heard, don't get any relationships in the first year. No one knows if that works, because no one's ever done it, right?
But that third inventory on relationships, there's nine basic questions there. Where I unjustifiably arouse bitterness, jealousy, suspicion. Where I'm selfish, self-seeking, dishonest. Where am I inconsiderate? Where am I at fault? And what should I have done instead? Nine specific questions. And they'd ask me there at the end of that to subject each relation to the test. What I was asked to do is take those nine questions, put every relationship that I'd been in, and then answer each question for each individual.
And as I did that, I started to see the pattern. I started to see where I was inconsiderate. And because of that, I was asked to set up an ideal. Like if I had a daughter, what kind of man would I want my daughter to marry? And I've taken the most diabolical creatures through the steps. And you know what? It's always the same, loving, compassionate, loyal, supportive, sensitive, understanding, warm, gentle, always.
No matter who it is, when you put it in those terms, that's why I found the fundamental idea of God is within every single one of us. Then I was asked that question, how you been treating God's daughters? Had to look at it. Didn't want to look at that. But getting it out in writing and admitting to God's self and another human being, I started to have a type of psychic change and some freedom from doing this.
You know, there's only three basic relationships. One with self, one with God, and one with others. Resentment deals with my relationship with self. Fear deals with my relationship with God. And conduct deals with my relationship with others. It's very interesting the way that it's set up, because coming out of this thing, if someone had done to me what I did to myself, I hate to say this. It's strong language, but I would have killed them.
A lot of us can understand that. If someone had done to me what I did to others, conceivably, I probably would have done the same thing. And like I said when I came in these rooms, you think I wanted to pray? I didn't want God to find out where I was. I thought God had been watching. So those basic relationships with God, self, and others had been totally destroyed. Most alcoholics coming in here are bankrupt in those three areas.
It's got nothing to do with finance. It has to do with spiritual bankruptcy in those three primary areas. When I took another look at the 12 steps, by design, steps one through three recreate and develop a relationship with God. Steps four through seven, by design, recreate and develop a relationship with self. Steps eight and nine recreate and develop a relationship with others. 10 maintains my relationship with self.
11 maintains my relationship with God. And 12 maintains my relationship with others. So coming out of the steps, I'm able to live in harmony in those basic, simple relationships. God, self, and others. There was a great spiritual teacher. He was asked, what's the most important thing of all your teachings? He said, love God with all thy heart and love thy neighbor as thyself. The three relationships are built right in these steps.
They've been here since the beginning of time. But if you're a real alcoholic and God scares you out of these rooms, don't worry about it. Alcohol will scare you right back in. There's this little kid. He comes up to his dad and he says, hey, dad, can we play? Little kid's like five. Dad's busy. He's like an accountant or something. So he says, son, get out of here. Leave me alone. Can you see I'm busy?
This little boy keeps bothering his father. So the dad grabs a little map of the world out of a National Geographic magazine. They always have these great maps of the world. He rips this map up into like 50 pieces. And he gives it to his little boy. And he gives the kid some tape. And he says, I want you to go put this little map of the world back together. And when you're done, we'll play. He thinks he's got rid of the kid for an hour, right?
Little boy comes back in two minutes. He's got the whole map of the world all taped back together. And he's so excited. Dad, look, I put the whole map back together. And the dad goes, son, that's impossible. How did you do that? And you know what the little boy said? He said, dad, on the back of the map of the world was a picture of a man. I put the man back together. And the whole map fell into place.
[00:55:00]
The whole world fell into place. I put the man back together. And the whole world fell into place. Let me tell you, if you're new, like I said, I went through treatment 28 times. I'm an expert at putting the map of the world back together. I can get the girl, the job, the house, the car. I can lease it all in 90 days and look like a million bucks. Every single time I did that, I was back in here with a bracelet.
OK? This is the spiritual technology that rebuilds the man. Steps 1 through 3 with God, based on my old ideas. Steps 4 through 7 with self, based on my perceptions of self and others. And then 8 and 9 through amends with others. And then maintains those basic, simple relationships. And I'm able to live in harmony with God, self, and others. It's all laid out there. It's very, very simple. I had to find somebody that was able to take me through this work and show me this process.
I couldn't do it on my own. I'd read the book 20 times. And until I had someone show me exactly how to process this inventory, how to face and be rid of things in myself that were blocking me, I didn't have an experience with it. And again, it came back to that one final suggestion of helping others. Being a newcomer for 17 years is almost a fate worse than death. It's like being in purgatory. So I'll conclude with this.
This guy's in purgatory. And he's sitting there. And he's thinking, I don't know what to do. But this angel appears and says to him, well, you've got two choices, heaven and hell. And he says, well, let me see hell first. So he walks into this room. And there's this huge banquet table, 40, 50 people sitting around this table. It's a buffet of every kind of food you could possibly imagine, just this lavish spread.
And these people are sitting around this table in a circle. And they're strapped to these huge armchairs. And they're strapped to these chairs. They've got duct tape strapped to their hands with this two-foot silverware attached to their hands so they can't feed themselves. And they're stuck in front of this food for eternity. And you can see the anguish and the agony on their faces. They're just starving to death forever.
And he says, that's awful. He says, let me see heaven. So he goes into the next room. And he takes a double take. It's exactly the same table, same people sitting around this table. They're strapped to these chairs. They've got this two-foot silverware strapped to their hands. And he's looking at it. And he can't figure it out. And then it occurs to him, they're healthy. They're happy. They're having fun.
The difference between heaven and hell is in heaven, they're feeding each other. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our trouble. Driven by 100 forms of fear, self-delusion, self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows. And they retaliate. There's no substitute for a spiritual experience. One has to do the work. And I see people that have everything on the outside, and they're willing to do the work.
And they have a spiritual life, and everything falls into place. But if you think you can get that some other way, I couldn't. We're the only people, when confronted with those two questions, and you guys have heard that I've been in a lot of trouble, and you guys have heard, go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation, or accept spiritual help. Then it says these are not easy alternatives.
I mean, if you did a survey at the local supermarket, jails, institutions, and death, happy, joyous, and free. I mean, it would be a no-brainer, right? You come into your local detox, and ask that question, and the guy's like, can I talk to my counselor? When I came to AA this time, my sponsor said, well, what do you want out of Alcoholics Anonymous? And with an ego like mine, I said, well, I want a yacht and a Learjet.
And he said to me, he said, if you really work the 12 steps, if you work four through nine, and you learn to live in 10, 11, and 12, what you'll get is a quiet mind and a loving heart. And I looked at him, and I thought, I didn't say this, but I thought, what do I want that for? But if you're a real alcoholic, the further you get away from that drink, the more that starts to become appealing. And because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I Because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been able to navigate around the drama.
Because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been able to match calamity with serenity.
[01:00:02]
My life today is so good, there should be background music. It's because of doing the work around here and living in the center of that triangle. The triangle, unity, recovery, and service, basically translates into three actions for me. Contribute, belong, and learn. Contributing is service. The more I'm of service, the more I feel needed. Belonging is unity. The more that I stand around and shake people's hands and get involved with the people in these rooms, the more I feel wanted.
And learning, the base of that triangle, recovery, the more that I uncover, discover, and discard the things that are blocking me from this spiritual experience, the more I feel loved. It is not waiting to be loved, but by loving others that I find that. The product of unity, recovery, and service is that I feel wanted, needed, and loved. And I'll tell you, for someone like me, as hopeless as I was, to have the freedom that I have is priceless.
I couldn't get it any other way. If you ever notice, all the religions send their alcoholics to us. It's an interesting thing. And somehow it brought me back to God. So I want to thank Chris. I want to thank all of you. I hope I might have maybe helped a little bit. And thanks for having me. Thank you.