A man, uh, in my opinion, that, that has no chance of being anybody. And he is a, a truly delightful company human. And it’s a privilege and it is an honor to present our guest speaker this morning, Mr. Jack Bailey from Pacific Palisades, California.

Jack? Oh, god. Are you sure he’s through?

I have an announcement to make. My, my sermon is not gonna be that long. Well, this is a real honor to be here, I, I gotta tell you, in the cradle of AA. And I better tell you right off the bat– Did you say anything?

She said, “Oh, yeah.” Uh, my name is Jack Bailey, and I am an alcoholic. Alcoholic. Yeah. It’s, uh, it’s an honor to be here, a privilege, and a hell of an inconvenience.

Lou called me in February, and, and, and I know what I was saying to him. And I never did understand that for sure about breakfast. And when you say yes to something in February, you’re sure it’ll go away, right? It didn’t.

And I– Lou and, uh, Dick Moneybags were- -up at the Cleveland Airport. And we had a wonderful trip back. God, we went through Canal Fulton. We were over in Kent for a while.

Massillon. Dick said finally, “Do you know where the hell you’re going?” Old Lou, the pathfinder, said, “No.” And he didn’t. But we finally got here.

And, and, uh, it’s been enjoyable. I’ve met a lot of you people, and I, I, uh, I’ve enjoyed it a lot. We’ll hear your jokes, Lou, for next year. I, um, I’d like

to take my sermon this morning, dearly beloved, um- -on the theme of what I like about Alcoholics Anonymous. And, uh, I can give the whole damn speech in two words. Everything, and sit down. But you went through that breakfast, you ought to get something.

So, uh- Somebody said, “What can they do with the eggs?” Well, they can freeze them. I gotta tell you, and seriously, I have never seen this big a crowd served this fast. Whoever those girls were, that’s great. “Why don’t you make me some coffee?” Oh, crap.

Uh, yeah. Uh, I tell you this at the beginning for two reasons. Uh, I’ve been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, come next October, for thirty years. That applause was the first reason.

I like to hear them clap at the beginning, ’cause you’re not too sure what happens at the end. And the other reason is a much better reason, I must say. It’s the only way I personally can recommend Alcoholics Anonymous. Because if I hadn’t have enjoyed it, if I hadn’t have gotten a lot of good out of it, if I hadn’t have led a happy and passing normal life, you can bet your,

uh, uh, bird. You can bet your bird I wouldn’t have stuck around for thirty years. But it gets no better. And I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

And the thrill of speaking to a, a crowd like this in sort of the cradle of AA is an enormous thrill. It took me thirty years to find out where the hell it started. I didn’t know that until I got here. Um, I thought that Bill Wilson was president for all, all these years.

And I find out Dr. Bob’s the guy that helped him, and he helped this. I don’t know who did what to who. But it sure come out good, didn’t it?

Yeah. Yeah. Right on. Now, for me to stand here and tell you the history of, uh, AA would be ridiculous.

You know more about it than I do. I never got straight about that lady from the tire company. Mrs. Sieberling.

She– Was she sober? And I have said many times, and I meant this with great respect, that when I first joined AA, I was delighted to know that it wasn’t caused by some book learners, or some social workers, or some psychologists, or- -yes, even Bill Wirtzi.

Anyway. I was glad to find out it was started by a couple other birds that couldn’t drink either. Huh? And I found out that one guy lost his, uh, uh, I almost said that word again, lost his seat on the stock market.

Another was a disbarred doctor. Another was a crooked nun. Those are my kind of people. I like that.

Sister Ignatia in, uh, Cleveland. And ask her now and she looked like my mother. Really. Although she was a lot of people’s mothers.

Excuse me, darling. I did not, unfortunately, have the honor of meeting Dr. Bob. But I met Mr.

Bill. And, you know, i- in, uh, show business and all that, you’re supposed to be glib and everything. And we got through lunch in New York, uh, Bill and some secretary and I, and I started to say goodbye, and by God, I got a lump in my throat and couldn’t say it.

You know, that, uh, there but for the grace of God, I don’t know where I’d have been without Wilson and Bob and Sister Ignatia. And, uh, well, I, I just love them. Still do. And so it’s, it’s a triple honor to be here, really.

I was at Sister Ignatia’s dinner in Cleveland with four of the mafia. And I was halfway through my sermon before I got my, my transportation money. I was worried about it. And I found out that the chairman was, oh, was a guy that was a hairdresser, and that worried me.

And, and, and, but as all AA functions, it, it worked out pretty good. But I was glad when I got in AA that, that it was just a bunch of people couldn’t drink. I, I fought it for a long time. Uh, mercifully, I’m not gonna do a drunkalog.

Um, I tell you the truth. I can’t because, uh, I forgot the best part of it. And I must have been an alcoholic, all right, because the reports are still coming in after thirty years. But I don’t think that that’s necessary.

I can assure you, uh, that alcohol never did me any good. I thought it did, but it didn’t always work out that way. Now, what we’re supposed to do is, uh, say what we’re like and what we’re g- gonna be and where we’re going. I mean, there’s some kind of a format there.

And, uh, what I can do is say, as I already said, alcohol never did any good for me. Uh, I don’t remember starting drinking. Now, I noticed a lot of ladies, uh, God bless them, the members, uh, they– when they were kids, they read a lot. They, they were always reading and hiding in books.

Well, I read a comic strip once as a kid and didn’t understand it, so I quit reading. And I don’t even remember my first drink. Somebody probably asked me to have a drink, and I took it, and, well, I don’t know what happened. Nothing, I guess.

And then in, uh, high school, I was a sophomore in high school, and I was drinking on weekends like you do as a high school kid. Not the way they do now, dude. But anyway, um, I fell in love. I have been all my life a good lover.

Um, and the older I get, the more I’d like to tell you about that. Anyway. I, um, I fell in this love with this girl in this little town in Iowa, and what I learned from drinking then was nothing compared to what she

was teaching me. That– I enjoyed that more at the time. That seemed to be quite a thing there, and I didn’t understand it, but I was learning. And my mother didn’t like this girl.

Now, that has happened in a lot of people’s lives. So, by gosh, as a sophomore in high school, she sent me to a military academy. Now, that’s, that’s next to prison. That, sheesh, that’s no good.

Anyway, to get away from this girl, I had to go to a little military school in, um, in Owatonna, Minnesota. Well, I met a guy there who taught me the glories of lemon extract. Now, that’ll take the hair right out of your throat. Oh, God.

But anyway, we did that, and we’d smoke, and we’d be devilish. And then there was a call to go out for football. And I, uh, I went out for football. I really wouldn’t laugh at this.

I went out for football. And by George, I made the team. Now, in the academy, there were only twelve guys out for football. And it only takes eleven, and the other had a bad leg, so I was on the football team as a quarterback because I could yell.

Now, my friend who taught me about lemon extract, he also, he also made the team. And he had one more affliction than I have. His, uh, his problem was as a sophomore in high school, he still wet the bed. Now, all of us in the academy called him Peepee Seeger.

And I just loved old Peepee. He- He’s just a real neat guy. He– Later, he made the swimming team. The, uh, the backstroke.

Anyway. So Peepee and I were playing football, and the coach called us in one day and said, “Now, we’re going to play in St. Paul. This is the biggest academy up there, boys.

And I don’t want any of you clowns on this Pillsbury team to try and play football. They’ll kill you up there. If the ball’s coming toward you, drop it. If you’re supposed to run around one end, don’t run, fall down.

Just keep out there for an hour, and if you do that and live through it, we’re gonna let you free over the weekend in St. Paul.” Now, here comes my first problem with alcohol. Peepee invited me to his house. And we went over to his house, and his father drank.

Which was a glorious thing to find out in St. Paul. Nothing much else to do there. So we got into Peevy’s father’s brew.

We got about half potted and I said, “You know, I never liked the coach, Peevy. He’s, he’s, he’s a bad man. He’s not a good character, and I think you and I ought to go down to the hotel and I’m gonna tell him what I think of him.” So we took another drink. Peevy said, “I’ll drive.” He drove me all the way down St.

Paul. Now, St. Paul in October, November is cold. So we like froze getting down there.

We got in a steam-heated room, and I got to throwing up on the coach. And he was telling me what he thought of me, and I never got to tell him what I thought of him. Except the following Monday, I was kicked out of military academy and only because I was drunk. But that don’t make any difference when you’re a sophomore in high school.

Well, I didn’t learn any lesson from that. And I thought, “Well, they don’t need me. I’m about to– one of the three guys paying tuition anyway. The hell with them.” And I got a job playing with a dance band.

I finally went back to little town Iowa and finished high school, and I got into the University of Drake, Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. And there I was supposedly studying for the ministry. My mother was a devout Methodist, and I went and told her I was going to divinity school. They have pamphlets too, and I’d send those home a lot and say- “This course on feeding the Armenian was interesting.” Oh,

all that phony stuff. I was playing with a dance band, bootlegging at the, um, fraternity house, and I was kind of the cat on the campus there. So one day at homecoming, I had sampled some of my brew too much, and I was a yell leader. I didn’t go out for football.

I was a yell leader. I got out on the football field, and I thought the whole homecoming thing was in my honor. And at halftime, I grabbed the drum major’s baton and threw it over the gridiron trying to catch it, and looked up and there was a nine-foot cop standing right there.

And he said, “Come here, Dunkel.” And he threw me out of the game. And the following Monday, I got kicked out of Drake because of drinking. So I had a lot of problems with drinking then. Yeah.

And then I, well, the curtain fall many years later. I was in San Diego, California, at the great exposition they had there, the World’s Fair. And I was a barker for the Streets of Paris, where for ten cents they’d take it off. If you had a X-ray eye.

Anyway, I fell in love again, dear friends. Ah, the romance budded. Now, the only trouble with this romance was that her husband- Was in the US Navy. And as far as we could ascertain, he was out at sea protecting our shores.

And I invited this charming lady to the, uh, hotel on lower Fifth Street in San Diego. And lower Fifth Street’s exactly what you think it is. Yes. And all of a sudden, there was a knock on the door, and here was her un-American husband and a cop, and I went back to the queen.

I was arrested for being lewd and dissolute. I just loved that. Didn’t know what I was, so I was in AA for two years. So the drinking got me.

Now, that lady was a classy lady. I always picked classy ladies. You will think this is a gag. It is not.

Her job was a shill in a Filipino pool hall. High class. Always first class. All right, the scene changes.

Now we’re back in glamorous city Hollywood. And one morning on Queen for a Day, I, uh, was sitting at the table in the Moulin Rouge doing my very best to get a shot glass up to my head, which as you folks know is a problem at times, right? Big ol’ glass, tiny mouth.

Well, as I was sitting there trying to do that, a clean, old man that worked on the show walked by and said, “You’re just gonna have the one?” I hadn’t heard that from anybody- My close acquaintance at that time, and I said, “Yes, just this one. I had a big one last night, and they always make me sick in the morning, and I just…” He said, “You’re a liar, but I’ll tell you what.” “If you ever want to do anything about your drinking, and you better, you give me a call.

I once was sober for five years, had a bottle of beer, and I was drunk for five years.” And I thought, “Well, we got a real cuckoo here.” Hell of a big bottle of beer. See, the normal people don’t know, do they? No, sir.

They don’t know. Well, anyway, the minute he told me that, I promptly had him fired, as any good alcoholic would. You don’t want him telling a big star like that, by George. So we got rid of him.

The next day he got a hell of a good job. He’s been very, very, very well off ever since. So I fixed him, right? But he did one thing that we do more of than I think we think we do.

He planted the seed. He planted the seed. And mercifully, it sprouted later. So after I got rid of him, I began thinking, as all good alcoholics do, “I wonder if they’re right.

I wonder if all these people are right that are telling me all this, and, uh, why are they ignoring me so much, and why did they break away immediately that I come into their company?” And you get to thinking of those things, and then you take a few drinks and you forget. And you take a few more and you don’t care. And you take a few more and you don’t remember.

So it just, uh, it just spun in there for a long time until something inside tells you, “It ain’t going right, Jack. It ain’t going right, Bruce. Something wrong.” So one Sunday morning, there was nobody in the house, and I, um, decided to experiment to see how long in the morning I could go without a drink.

Now, I was a, a daily drinker, round the clock. Every minute of the day. Yeah. All right.

So that experiment of going without a drink was most unsuccessful. I had terrible time with that. Um, I thought I drank the coffee too fast. You know how we alcoholics figure those things out in our big brain?

Smoke. Took a deep drag. That’s what’s doing it. Went outside on the porch, put my around, arm around the post on the porch, take a big breath of air.

That likely killed me. And that was before smoking. And I found out after I’d been sober about six months, we didn’t have a post on the porch. It was out there though.

So you know, the thing, the thing dawned on me. Thank God that seed sprouted that that clean, old man had planted. Now, I don’t like clean, old men. And I didn’t like him sober.

And I want to tell you, I hated this man, this guy, I hated him- … because he planted that seed. But I thought, “Well, if he’s so smart, I’ll call him.” Now, I w- in the morning, I never had the shakes. I had the leaps.

God, I was leaping around that house like a jackass. And I gotta tell you something, I had an awful time with that phone booth. But finally, I got ahold of this clean, old man, and he said… I said, “You told me to call you if I ever got to wanting to do anything about my drinking.” And I gotta tell you something, I was scared to death.

And I was. I was scared. So were you. So I called.

I said, “I’m scared.” He said, “Well, do you admit you’re an alcoholic?” And I said to him, “Yes, I admit I’m an alcoholic.” He said, “Good. Everybody in town knows it. Now it’s unanimous.” Well, I didn’t like that. And I said, “You’re not supposed to make fun of me.

I’m not well and I want to be careful.” So he says, “Well, I’ll tell you what to do. You go out in the kitchen and take a drink.” And I thought, “What the hell? Here’s I’m hallucinating on the phone now.” And I said, “Don’t get the kids. Now, what’d you say?” He said, “Go out in the kitchen and take a drink.

Your head’s rattling so I can’t hear you on the phone.” “You take a drink and I’m gonna come over to your house and talk to you.” Well, buddy, that’s the first time I lacked AA, I tell you that. And I put that phone down in the cradle and I did just what he said. I went out and I had a drink.

And that’s a taped show. I’m holding up two fingers. I went out and took a drink. And now, six months before this time, I had gone to a doctor.

I had been sent to a doctor, and he examined me from head to toe, considerably a long time in the middle area of me, and I, I just laid there on that old cold slab you’re on, and he couldn’t find anything. And I said, “Well, thank God. Give me my pants.

Let me get out of here.” And he said, “Wait a minute. If you keep drinking like you’re drinking now, in six months you’re gonna be dead.” I said, “Well, did you find anything wrong?” He said, “No.” He can’t understand technically. And I said, “Well, then don’t send me a bill.

You didn’t find anything.” Oh, oh. So I got my pants on and went back to my office at the Hollywood Plaza Bar. Hey, yes. Of course, I’d been freed from the doctor.

He told me I was gonna die in six months. Didn’t bother me. Boy, us drunks are brilliant, aren’t we? So we held my own wake at the bar.

They made me sure I lived singing and bought the drinks. And we sang things like, I’m Waiting for Ships That Never Come In. I cried, they left. Got a new bunch.

And our, our, our big number was they all hummed and I sang Now Is the Hour. The Time to Say Goodbye. And we… Oh, yeah.

Big dealers. But I, and that’s how what a jackass I am. It’s what all of us are when we drunk. That shit we don’t do.

And anyway, uh, the old man came over and he sat down and he started talking. But all he did was talk about himself. Now, that annoyed me because I had made the call, right? And I is the sickie.

And here’s this jerk sitting over there, cool, sane, and sober, telling me about the fact that he drank so much that he had to live in a chicken house. Well, now I felt sorry, really. I thought, what a pity you had to live in a chicken house with your children.

I’m not exactly living in a chicken house here. And then I think I heard the back door, and I go and answer the back door and there’s nobody there. And I come back in and we’d hear some more about the chicken house. Oh, God.

So then I’d go upstairs and answer the phone. No one up there. And I- All of a sudden, I went and made another trip someplace, and when I got back in, he said, “Jack, why don’t you bring the bottle in here?” And I said, jerk that I am, “How did you know?” Well, he

said the magic words, because I’m one too. I’m one too. Believe me, that’s when I learned it takes a thief to catch a thief. It takes a drunk to catch a drunk.

And now he annoyed me to no end, ’cause the rest of the time he told me 15 places I could’ve been hiding the bottle instead of those stinking five of mine. I could’ve been, uh, half in the bag. But I only had five slugs, and that guy told me all about it. Now then, the big moment came.

I said, “That’s good program.” I forgot one thing that Lou put in the, uh, fire. This guy really said it. Lou lies a lot, but this was the truth. After I’d had a couple drinks and he came over and told me about his chicken house, I got smarts, you know, with a few drinks, and I s- opened the door

and said, “Come on in, Mike. Whatever it is you’re selling, if I like it, fine. If I don’t, the hell with it.” And mercifully, he said, “Look, Jack, you need us, but we don’t need you.” And that hurt me because I, by then, after I’d had two more drinks, expected to be president of AA within six weeks.

Always very humble, yes. Well, anyway, we got to the point where you all have heard, and you all have said, and we have all said, “Now we’ll go to a meeting.” And I said, “Me? A meeting?” I said, “Say not.” He said, “Why not?” I said, “Well, I don’t want them to know.

I’m a big star. I don’t, I don’t want to be seen at an AA meeting. God, if people recognize me, that’d be bad.” And he looked at me and he said, “Who’s gonna recognize you from radio?” Then the magic time came where I said, “I’m not going down under my own name, that’s all.

I’m gonna tell them who I am. I’m gonna use another name.” He said, “Fine. Yeah, you can use any name you want to. Pick a name.” Well, that’s a drunken challenge that you love, boy.

I worked on that, I gotta tell you, for 10 minutes. I went around, I look in the mirror and said, “You know.” Finally came up with a real cool name, Jim Bartel. If you’re gonna pick a name, you pick one like Sylvester, Ashby, something smarter. Jim Bartel.

So the night we went to the meeting, which was that night, I had this poor passenger rehearse introducing me to the steering wheel. It’s just the two of us in the car. And he says, “Jim, this is Rudy. Claude, this is Jim.” Why he didn’t kill me, I don’t know.

Anyway, we got to the meeting in North Hollywood, and before the meeting, just as the meeting starts, they turn out the lights. I thought we were staying outside quite a while. By then I wanted to meet everybody, take their inventory. Anyway, I was– All of a sudden, we got in the door and poof, the lights went on.

Now, nobody got to meet me. That was a shame and not a word. And all I remember about the first meeting is the guy was from San Francisco, and when he was a kid, he hadn’t had any tennis shoes. And I thought that’s a shame.

And so I rose in the meeting and offered him some tennis shoes. And I got a karate chop in the belly I won’t forget. So then when they got to the uh, or the amen in the Lord’s Prayer, I was outside again. Nobody to this day has ever met Jim Bartel.

Except me, and I don’t ever want to see Jim Bartel again. He’s a turkey. But that’s how it started. And then the glory came after I got over worrying about what the hell they selling books for, and where’s the sawdust, where’s the bass drums, where’s the tambourines.

You all did that, most of you. And all of a sudden you find out you kind of like it. And then it began to dawn on me that I wasn’t any of the things I’d been called by her. Her was not an Al-Anon.

And that’s a beautiful thing. Uh, would’ve helped her. Anyway, I was not weak-willed, I was not no good, I was not this, I was not that. All the junk we’ve been called.

One day she said, “Why do you sit around and drink all the time for?” And I had a good answer. I said, “Well, what else can I do? Hmm.” She said, “Well, go outside and pull up some grass and shove it right in.” After the meeting, if you care to gather in one of the corners, I’ll– if you care to gather in one of the corners, I’ll tell you where I was really told to shove that grass.

I don’t need to, huh? Well, it began to dawn on me that I was not any of these things that we’ve been accused of, falsely accused of, friends. We’re not weak-willed, no good, none of that. We’re sick.

God, was I glad to hear that. Oh. That’s better than all of them. Now, this got nothing to do with AA, but according to the medical profession, the three worst diseases known to the medical profession are cancer, heart, and

us. We’re as third sick as we can get. And that’s sick enough for me. That’s– Had to catch something.

Thank God I got this one. And I’m glad to hear that. Now, you know about the inroads they’re making in cancer, you know what they’re doing about heart. But this is the only sickness in the world where there’s some place to go.

You’ve never heard of Hearts Anonymous, have you? Two belts of this coffee and a dance kill half their members. Wow. Right.

So I maintain, how lucky can you get? And another thing is nobody in here promised you that they could cure you from this alcoholism. But they can arrest it. And if there’s anything wrong with Alcoholics Anonymous, in my opinion and the opinion of thousands of others there is, is that one little phrase, “Don’t take the first drink.” That’s

too simple for the alcoholic brain to get through his head. “What do you mean don’t take the first drink?” “Well, that’s the one that gets you drunk.” “But I don’t get drunk on one drink. What the hell are you talking about?” Then you apologize, have more time, and let him talk. Now, then, where in the medical profession our sickness is number three, in the cuckoo department we’re

number two. Really. Yeah. Crazy.

Number one is a violent social disease. Start with this. No, that’s an unpublished joke. Anyway- And that’s the truth.

And I figure if a guy hadn’t been drunk, he wouldn’t have caught that. Anyway, the thing is- … he’s about dead, and they’re almost nuts. And the only thing to do is the rest of that, the cause of that.

Well, the thing, too, is you gotta reach the end of a line. They’ll tell you not a lot. You gotta be no good in some department. You gotta be no good in all departments.

That’s better, but you gotta be no good. So why wouldn’t I be proud and happy to join in an organization and stay with it, where the only requisites to get in Alcoholics Anonymous, you gotta be damn near dead, pretty near nuts, and no good to get in? Alcoholics Anonymous does not want nice people.

Is that clear? No good. That’s right. And the worst drunk that we’ve got are ones that are the best secretaries.

They’re always running for an office, and it’s just great. I know when I first joined 30 years ago… Perhaps a lot of you are wondering, and I don’t think it’s any of your business, but I’ll tell you. I’ve been in 30 years, and I joined when I was 11.

Not- Or so. Or so. Well, the thing is, what I enjoyed about it is that everybody’s here for the same thing. Now, my gosh, you know, I, I, I hated joining.

I didn’t like anything. They made me go to the Rotary Club to meet different people. Mm. The talks were so bad at the Rotary Club, I’d buy triples instead of doubles.

And that was awful. I, I quit the Masons. I, I, I quit them. There was a fella that re- reached up under my apron one day, and I just- I got out of there.

You Catholics, go ahead and laugh. I got one for you later. Did you laugh him yet, Louis? How about it?

We’re all right so far. But everybody in AA is here for the same thing. Damnest thing I ever saw, a Rotary Club that say, “Here’s my card. I’m a plumber.” You go on to the next card, three wheels.

They, they all hustling it. Here, there’s one, all they do in here is take your envelope. And that’s all right, too, ’cause you can take theirs. They’ll shut up a minute.

Everybody tries to be, at first, like I was, all things to all AAs. I, God, I was a banner carrier. I’d make them take beer signs down and do all that junk. And I couldn’t 12 step.

I, I was no good at 12 stepping. And so I went to one of the old crinkles back there and dusted him off, got the moss off his teeth and said- “I can’t 12 step. What the hell do I do?” He said, “Well, you don’t have to do everything.” Remember him? So I felt good.

You see, here’s the thing. I did try to 12 step, and I had, the first five 12 steps I made, I had two suicides, and natural deaths, and two of them I never heard from. So if you have anybody in the Akron area you really hate- I’ll 12 step them and kill them.

But you don’t worry about all that. They, that’s the beautiful thing of this program. There ain’t, there’s no set rules. You don’t have to do this.

You don’t have to do that. But you better. Right on. It’s either, in my opinion and the opinion of thousands- It’s either AA or amen.

And, uh, that’s not a chance I, I care to take. I’d, I’d just like to go along. When I first got here, uh, it was so many years ago, they, they would hide us, for God’s sake. They used to hide us in the cellar if they thought we wouldn’t suffocate.

My wife would close the drapes. And I’d walk around the house, stiff as a boot, naked. Sorry you missed that, friends. I wore a hat.

Honest to God, I wore a hat. Very elegant. I wore a hat and johnny- oh, God. Anyway.

There was an old maid lived next door to us. Annoying. You’re right, but then- And this old maid would walk her dog. Now, she was a mullet like I’ve never seen.

Poor old thing and the dog even hated her. Anyway- She’d walk by, and I thought, “She needs help.” And I’d wait till she’d get right opposite the bay window, and just as she’d come by, I’d be standing there with my hat in my hand. Just a little peek.

Yeah. Gave her a nice little peek there. She either moved away or laughed herself to death. I never saw her.

What the hell happened to her? I’m the only one, you may be sure, that thought that was funny then. Oh, my God. All those terrible things that I thought was then.

No good. You know something about AA? You probably don’t. Probably know this anyway, but I’m gonna tell you.

It’s the only organization I know of that you can’t get kicked out of. Isn’t that great? It’s the only organization of people that are trying to do good who cares whether the jail sentence or disease is you’re looking to boogie now. But that’s getting better and better.

I think they’re doing something about that. Because AA and alcoholics are becoming the thing in the country. Mm. Yeah, the Supreme Court had a meeting, and they decided in their wisdom something should be done about drinking in the United States.

Court adjourned. And you know, they went in the back room, in the chambers, took off their monkey suits, and got drunk. That’s it. They had done a mighty fine job.

Don’t know where the hell the money’s coming from, but there’s a lot of money floating around, and, uh, it, it’s for, for, for alcoholism. Well, that’s good. If there’s enough of it, maybe they’ll put us all on a pension. And I’m ready.

If I can get it, I’m going. You bet. But it, it’s, uh… I think, uh, alcoholism has almost replaced cholesterol.

We’ve, uh- We’re into real big things now. The reason you can’t get kicked out is that this is the only organization that any of us know of where when they say they love you, they mean it. You can’t imagine somebody calling their sponsor at 3:00 in the morning.

Always at 3:00 in the morning. Nobody has a slip in the afternoon. Always. But they call the sponsor and say, “Ah, hello.

This is Claude.” “I don’t know what happened.” “But I got drunk and I wet my pants.” Well, the sponsor isn’t gonna say, “What? You broke one of our rules. You rotten guy.

Don’t you call me ever again. No. Bye.” No. He’ll get the old lady up and say, “Would you get, heat up the coffee?

And, uh, where’s my book?” You never find your book when you want it. And then he gets the coffee and the book and a butterfly net and goes back after Claude once more time. One more time for Claude. Nobody at the door of meetings sniffing your breath and says, “Oh, hmm, you’ve been drinking, huh?” None of us ever were

born and our big ambition was to become an alcoholic. It just happened. I don’t know. We were born with it.

Some were, some weren’t. Who the hell cares? I know a guy whose wife jerked him out of the cemetery and took him to the hos- a psychiatrist to find out why he drank. And on the way — I shouldn’t laugh.

I told him not to. And on the way to the psychiatrist, he died. She never found out why he drank. Well, he did, didn’t he, Lou?

Yeah. Old Vernon Lou. You can’t get kicked out, and in my opinion, people that go on the program and then have a little trouble, a lot of trouble, go out on slips and come back, that takes a lot of doing.

And I think that they deserve, and will get, a second and sometimes a third chance because it’s tough. Christ, it’s hard enough the first time, isn’t it? I’m not gonna do it. But, uh, it’s just, it just, it’s marvelous.

You cannot get kicked out. Pretty soon they’ll get tired of you and they throw you out the window, but they’ll try. And send you on the way out. And if you’re fairly new on the program, think, “I’ve got a big mouth,” in 30 years, don’t let that worry you.

I wouldn’t have been sober today. It’s only the one day. And don’t worry, for God’s sake, how far you have to go. Be thankful for how far you’ve come.

Even if it’s a day, even if it’s a half a day. Just be thankful. Now, the fact that you and I are sober today is not gonna straighten out our life, and there will be no bumps through hills and dales. Uh, there’ll be plenty of those.

There is still reality. I must tell you the story that happened to me, and it has a happy ending. Uh, I’ve been sober 22 years, and my wife of 30 years died of cancer. Now, that ticked me off.

It was very– We were in love. She was a lovely lady. Now, I figured, like every other jerk, “Why me? That’s not fair.

What the hell have I been praying for?” All this junk thinking. One thing stands out in my mind. Thank God I never thought once of taking a drink. ‘Cause I’d heard many times, and hopefully you have, nothing in the world is bad enough that a drink will make it better.

We know that. We must live that. So I had AA, and that’s all. I decided to be a hermit.

I figured, “Well, it’s, I’m over the hill, Charlie. I’ve lived a long, lustful life.” “And hell with everything, and I’ll just sit here and sulk. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll fix everybody.” But I did go to meetings.

And one night I went to a meeting. Now, this is the glorious part of the alcoholic side benefits. I went to this meeting, and I saw a young lady leaning over against a post. And I said to myself, “There is a lonesome girl,” and I was an old-timer.

Must go and help her. It’s what it says in the book. Well, I went over and I mustered up my nerve and I said, “Hi.” And she said hi back, and I was through. I, I didn’t know what the hell to say.

See, I was out of practice. Well, I got to going and I said to, “What are you doing?” And she said, “I’m going home. My daughter’s there.” And I go, “Oh, good. Hmm, yes, thank you,” and said, “Goodbye.” Well, I saw her again.

And then her sponsor got on, a newer sponsor. Her sponsor said, “Jack, why don’t you lay off? She got six months on the program.” Now, you’re not supposed to get… What’s that term?

I just… Tell a Polish joke. Thank you, Lou. Emotionally involved.

So I talked to this lady, and she had had one year birthday cake in Honolulu, right? And she’d been in and out like a yo-yo, five months, six months at a time, and she, she mounted up quite a little sobriety there. So I put that all together and I talked to her sponsor. Out of practice.

Well, I got to going and I said to, “What are you doing?” And she said, “I’m going home. My daughter’s there.” And I go, “Oh, good. Hmm, yes, thank you,” said, “Goodbye.” Well, I called her again, a- and then her sponsor got on, a newer sponsor. Her sponsor said, “Jack, why don’t you lay off?

She’s got six months on the program.” Now, you’re not supposed to get… What the hell is that term? Passion? Emotion.

Passion. Tell the police, Joe. Thank you, Lou. Emotionally involved.

So I talked to this lady, and she had b- had one year birthday cake in Honolulu, right? And she’d been in and out like a yo-yo for five months, six months at a time, and she, she mounted up quite a little sobriety there. So I put that all together, and I talked to her sponsor, my AA mother-in-law, and said, “You mind your own business.” “And, uh, I’m gonna have a date with this girl.” To make a long story short, I’m very happy.

We’ve been married six years. Yeah, six. Yeah, thank you. And, um, her name is Jean, and she’s been on the program seven years.

And, um, she’s delightful, and sends her apologies because her, the same daughter, uh, decided to make a hasty visit, uh, to her home and, uh, fell safe. And she had a right because her daughter’s going to New York, right? You understand that, please.

And she sends her love, and she also is a phone friend of Lou, and Rita and I have had about enough of their damn phone calls. Right, Rita? We gonna put a stop to some of this. Still got the mind, anyway.

Gotta get home yet. I like it. By God, I think I’ll go on for another hour. This is marvelous.

You folks, listen. Well, good. Well, I tell you what I like especially about these kind of affairs. It, it, it’s more like a party, right?

Yeah. You, you, you’re here for some fun, and, uh, hell, I ain’t no philosopher out of meeting my barrel drum. So are you. And we don’t need that philosophy.

That philosophy and all those big words is what got us here, a lot of us. Trying to figure out life. Hell, no. Got a philosopher like Joe Leave down there.

I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about. I never did. And Mary said, “Don’t worry, he doesn’t either.” So, uh- It’s fun. You get no lying.

But I would be remiss on today’s sermon, and what would it be? Uh, uh, Sunday. Is it still Sunday? I’ve been waiting since February to do this.

Had to get up at 7:00. You know, oh, my God. Anyway. Have I fallen down yet?

No. Good. I think that I’ll tell you now, uh, uh, that I’m an authority. You’re laughing your rough into it.

3:30 down there. I’m an authority on religion. You, what? I really am.

I, I’m an authority on religion, and that hasn’t got a damn thing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. Right. Right? Right.

I was awful glad to find out it wasn’t religion because I had had quite a little of that. Now, this is gonna shake up the priests. And with the Klan members will love it. Anyway.

Right? I was born. Glad to know that. I was, I was born in the Middle West in a little town in Iowa called Hampton, Iowa.

Now, Hampton, Iowa, when I was born and grew up to the ripe old age of a sophomore, was 3,900 people. All Methodists but two. One Catholic and one Baptist. Anyway.

To this day, that little town of Hampton, Iowa, is 3,900, ’cause the minute those cats get their diploma from the high school, out of town. Everybody leaves town when they get out of high school and hardly ever come back. But even in that little town of Hampton, my mother was a devout Methodist, and I’m in no way making fun of her religion.

It meant a great deal to her. It meant everything to her. I will tell you this, that my maiden name is John Wesley. I like to have that kept anonymous.

You can’t- Hey, Jim Bardell is better than that. But you can’t get any Methodist-er than that. And at my mother’s knee in those days, I learned the fear of God. Everything was thou shalt not.

Do not do this. Do not do that. Thou shalt not do this. God is watching you.

God knows what you’re doing behind the barn. Maybe I cut that out for a couple days. But I was brought up with the fear of God. Everything was swoop.

And when I got in Alcoholics Anonymous, thanks to the magnificence of Bill Wilson, Dr. Bob, and the founders that worked on the book and said, “God as you understand him. Keep it simple. Get the hell out of your own…” I don’t think they said that.

“Keep out of your own way.” They meant it. The simplicity and the beauty, and in my opinion, the friendship of God. Now, I, I know, I know God has an enormous sense of humor. If God didn’t have a sense of humor, he’d have killed us years ago.

Imagine our God, the AA God, just looking down there, “Oh, there goes Roy.” Give him about a week and get him to a meeting. I heard a man say a thing which was beautiful in my opinion. He said, “Don’t you worry about God.

The minute you walked in that door, God quit worrying about you.” That’s kind of nice. And don’t let it spook you. If, if you’re an atheist, I’m for it, but be a sober atheist. If you come back to our meetings and we’ll get you.

But the beautiful part, the beautiful part is we won’t get you till you’re ready. And that’s fine. You can ease in being a drunk and you can ease in being an alcoholic, an almost never believing in God, get on your knees and pray, and then let him alone because if you don’t, he’s gonna screw it up anyway. You don’t have to tell drunks about praying, hmm?

Ooh, we prayed all our lives, haven’t we? “Oh, God, will you just have her asleep this one night?” “God, I hate my boss. I hope he gets a fungus that…” “Oh, God, I can’t…” It always the gimme prayer. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

That’s all it was, wasn’t it? Now you see we got something to thank him for. That’s great. And if you don’t want to pray, if you don’t know how to pray, go to hell.

Don’t worry about Lennon. I told Lou the other night I was trying to say the Serenity Prayer and I’d forgotten. Well, I got a copy now. I won’t do that again.

Anyway- Anyway, I beg of you, if you’re fairly new on the program or fairly old, the least used word in the English language is the word thanks. Yeah. Now, if you can’t think of a prayer, and if you don’t want to pray and it spooks you some, when the lights are out, you’re all alone, you got through another day, just say thanks.

You don’t have to thank anybody. You don’t have to thank anything ’cause God is understanding and we’ll hear that. And if you’re on the Alcoholics program and you’re doing the best you can, that’s all you asked to do, the best you can one day at a time, you got an awful lot to say thanks for.

Now, I know a couple of prayers. Mercifully, they’re short. Mercifully, a touch of humor. But that’s the way I feel about God.

I got… I took over, I forget what business it was lately, and I, oh, God, I was going and all that. You know how we do. And at night when I was talking to God and saying good night and everything, I got to laughing and I said, “I want to thank you for all the serenity

that you gave me today, and I’ll do better tomorrow.” Then I went to sleep in bed. Yeah, I know, God laughed. Said, “That jackass is sober. Jackass drunk.” Yeah.

These two prayers, I love them, and they, they’re very short, and I, I, I… Bring me along. This one prayer is, I heard it from a guy who got up every morning of his life since he got on AA, and he said this prayer: “God, don’t you and I get into any trouble today that you can’t get me out of.” Well, I love that.

Yeah. They keep saying, “Turn your life and your will over.” Is that a way to turn it over? “God, you take it. I don’t give a fuck.” That’s fun.

Then there’s the one about two little kids. They’re standing there visiting, and the little kid said to one to the other, uh, “You pray at your house?” He says, “We pray at our house. We pray all the time. Pray before breakfast, during breakfast, after breakfast, on to school, pray in school, pray at playground, play on the way home, play after that, play, pray before we go to bed, pray all the time.

You don’t pray at your house?” He said, “Yeah.” He said, “Well, when do you pray?” And he said, “Just at night.” He says, “You only pray at night?” He says, “Yeah. Hell, we ain’t scared of God.” Yeah. But you and I have gotten over those scared prayers, haven’t we?

Yeah. And what a release and what a wonderful gift we’ve all been given. And the only requisite is that we try, and we keep it up, and do everything we can that we can’t get out of. I didn’t get out of this breakfast.

And I am delighted Lou is such a son that wouldn’t let me out. And now the Catholics and then adios. The, um, priest had the, um, rabbi over to his house to perish, hmm, I know that much, to perish for dinner.

And the housekeeper with his rosary brought out a- Never get over that, eh? Brought out this huge plate, took the cover off, and there was a big ham. And the rabbi said, “Well, Father, I guess you’d forgotten. I don’t want to embarrass you, but, um, the, we don’t, the Orthodox people, we don’t eat ham.” And he said, “Oh, that’s too bad.” Father

said, “Never mind. Rosary, baste a couple of eggs.” Brought the eggs in. They had a nice dinner and a nice visit. And the rabbi spent, spent the night and enjoyed it.

And then he said, “Now, Father, I enjoyed this evening very much, and I want you to come down to my house some night and bring your wife.” And the priest sort of wrung his hands, scratched his head, and he said, “Well, I guess that’s one piece. I forgot about ham, and as you know, the priests don’t marry.” Rabbi says, “No, but you better try it. It’s better than ham.” So no matter what we’ve been, where we were, or where we’re going

now, this way of life is better than any way that there is. And you and I laugh. Thank God for the laughter, which in my opinion is the best way to explain humility. If we can laugh at ourself, we’ve got a little bit of humility, and I can use a little more.

Anyway. We laugh about the fact we’re almost dead, pretty nuts, and no damn good, which is true, right? All right. Now, to what little we have done with ourselves and what progress we’ve made, think of this.

We have the privilege of becoming an apostle. An apostle is a man or carries the message, a woman that carries the message. And with what we have done with our lives in AA, we can put our hand up to God as we understand and extend it out to a suffering alcoholic, and through us passes the spirit of God, and we can say, “Come on.

If I can help you, I will. Come on.”