Hi, everybody. My name is Earl. I’m an addict. Earl.

Like to thank the committee for asking me to come share at an event like this. Always an honor and a privilege. Um, Rico for all the communication back and forth, coming to pick us all up at the airport. Um, hmm.

It’s quiet in here. Oh, I have a, a CA related announcement that was, uh, handed to me by someone. There’s an individual in a state far away that, uh, is gonna be getting a copy of this tape, um, that goes by the name of Doom.

And the message for Doom is, uh, “Work the fourth step, you miserable son of a bitch.” And it’s signed, A friend. So if you’re li- if you’re listening to the tape, Doom, it’s just a suggestion. I enjoyed that.

Okay. Um, what time do we wrap this up? Tonight. Well, yeah, when I’m done.

Yeah, get comfortable. Uh, let’s blast through this. Um, like I said, I’m an addict. I didn’t start using till I was 12.

The only reason I waited that long was because, uh, nobody offered me anything until then. Um, I was, uh, I was, uh, um… Daddy was rich, mama was good-looking, my sister was talented artistically, and I was in trouble. I was– oh, the way it went.

I was sleepwalking, talking in my sleep, carrying on like a maniac in the middle of the night, scaring the hell out of my parents. They had a bunch of tests done on me. The answer, uh, to the problem was to give me a tablespoon of this liquid every night before I went to bed, which just knocked me out. Um, the answer was medication.

And I think I subconsciously got the information very early in my life that if things aren’t going the way you want them to, take something. And I filed that away and moved on in my life. When I was about 12 years old, they took me to get an IQ test, um, a- and I had a very high IQ. I’m not– I don’t have it anymore, so I’m not bragging.

We wiped that out. Uh, and, uh, they sent me, uh– They decided I needed to get out, out of the house, and they shipped me off to a boarding school. Um, and– But nobody informed me what we were doing, and we, we, uh, drove and drove and drove and drove, a big caravan of family vehicles, and got to this place. And I got out of the car, and my father got out of the car, and he put a suitcase down next to me and shook my hand and said, “This will make a man out of you,” and got in the car, and they all drove off.

And, uh, the fact was, was that I was being given an opportunity for a wonderful education. The feeling was, was that I’d just been thrown away by the people who knew me best in the world, and I had no idea why. We all right now? All right.

All right. Just doing his job, I’m doing mine. So, so I end up in this school, and I’m in a school with two hundred and fifty boys from all over the world. Um, and two hundred and forty-nine of them are thirteen to eighteen, and I’m twelve.

I’m the youngest and the smallest kid in the school. And when everybody’s a teenager and you’re twelve, that doesn’t matter to anybody but you. You know you’re out. They’re teenagers, which is all you wanna be, and you’re not.

So I was the odd man out, and I hated this place. I knew that this was a big mistake. This couldn’t possibly be the right thing to do, and I was terrified of everything and everybody there. I, uh…

Liquid. I need liquid. So the, uh… I, uh, I have liquid.

Thanks, man. Is that right? This is an outside beverage? Be careful where you drink it.

I’ll get someone to drive me back to my room. I have this Pepsi. Take the Slurpee. Earl, do you have any coverage?

Ah. There’s a little thing over there. That’s ready for real coverage. Yeah.

That’s right. Anyway, so, uh, I had no tools for living. I didn’t need any tools for living. You know what I mean?

Where I came from, you know, I just went to school, went home, did my homework, went to bed, got up, did it again. And here I am in this place, this think tank for bright kids. I mean, it was like Lord of the Flies in this place. You know what I mean?

It was– We were all bright and disturbed and causing problems. And, um, the first week there, I met Tiny, the big, the biggest guy in the school, and he slapped me around, and I hit him, and he said, “You got a lot of guts,” and then beat the hell out of me. And I remember– And, and as far as I was concerned, it went real well because what I was, was terrified of this guy, and he had said, “You got a lot of guts,” even swinging on me.

And I, I got my first tool for living. I learned that, that, uh, violence masks the fear. So violence became my number one tool for dealing with the world. And word spread across this campus in like thirty minutes, “Watch out for this little Hightower kid.

He’s a maniac. He attacked Tiny.” So now I got this reputation as this tough kid, which I wasn’t. I’ve never been a tough guy or a bad guy. Never.

I never w– I never have been, and I never will be. I’ve been extremely violent in my life, however, as a result of being afraid. Um, self-centered fear is the chief activator of all my defects of character, and it has always been that way, and violence for me was a huge defect. Um, so word spread around and some guys showed up, and, uh…

Do you hear piano music? Good. Just as long as you hear it too- … I’m okay.

Um, I was kind of off there far away, you know what I mean? I’m at a high altitude. I’m a sea level guy, you know what I mean? And th- what are we?

We’re, like, what? 14, 15,000 feet up here. I’ve been a little spaced since I got here. Um, so anyway, the c- the cool guys started coming around, and this guy named Matt came up to me and he said, “Do you want to smoke a joint?” And I said, “Well, yeah.

Yeah, I do.” Had no idea what he was talking about, but I, what he was, all I heard was, “You want to hook up?” And I was completely alone in the world as far as I could tell. My family had thrown me away. I decided, you don’t want me, I don’t want you. I turned my back on them, and I never really went back.

And, uh, we picked up a guy named Steve on the way, and Steve had a Tupperware container full of cheap red wine. We went behind the dorm, smoked a joint, and drank a little red wine. I had no idea why we were doing this. I’m standing here with two complete strangers, smoking a joint, drinking red wine, and I don’t know why, but there’s, this is what they seem to want to do, and I’m hooking up, so we’ll do it.

Would’ve made no difference to me what they were doing. I would’ve jumped in. I was alone in the universe. I needed to hook up.

And all of a sudden, I mean, it was like that. The magic happened. That thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred, and this feeling kind of swept up over me, and for the first time in my life, I felt comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with.

I had never felt such ease and contentment. I had never felt that kind of relief. It was a mystical experience for a guy like me, and I didn’t know what it was. I don’t know.

Is it this pot? Is it this wine? Is it the fact that I’m standing here with my two very close personal friends, Steve and Matt? I felt a bond with these guys, you know?

I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was there was no downside to this. Nobody… I mean, all the things I’d heard weren’t, weren’t happening.

Nobody died. No blood was drawn. Nobody went to jail. Nobody got thrown in the nuthouse.

Yeah. I got two. Yeah, same. Diet Coke rules.

I’m sorry. Gary was like, “Ugh.” So I, uh- That was the humble beginnings for me. No big deal.

I just thought, I’m doing this as often as I possibly can, ’cause there’s no downside to feeling this fantastic feeling. So 13 was, uh, that was humble beginnings. Pot and wine at 12. 13 was pills, any kind of pills.

Tuinal, Placidyl, Seconal. Loved all of them. Only reason I took them was somebody came up and said, “Would you like a couple of these pills?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” Took them. You know?

Laid down on the floor. Stayed there. Very comfortable on the floor. I felt very good down there.

Like there’s absolutely no reason not to do this. So I took all kind of pills. All kind of pills. Lots and lots and lots of pills.

14 was psychedelics. I did about 650 acid trips. Got classified legally insane by the military several years later, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Um, and, uh, that’ll do things to you, that much LSD.

Peyote, psilocybin, all that stuff. Uh, 15 I started shooting dope just because this girl at a party said, “Would you like me to stick this in your body?” And I said, “Yes. Yes, I would.” I had learned that this was a good, good res- when people came and asked you these kind of questions, yes was the only way to go. I mean, it was working out.

So she stuck that, you know, she hit me with that, and I just did one of these. And on the way down, all I remember thinking was, “Yeah.” “This’ll work. This’ll work, man. I like this one.

As soon as I get my head back up, I’m gonna ask for some more of that.” And I did. And I did. And you know, um, s- first time hanging out with some friends, they said, “Do you want to snort some cocaine?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” “Want to snort some cocaine?” I said, “I like this.” This is good.

This is good. It stopped that nod thing from happening, you know what I mean? You know? Shoot more dope when you got that cocaine going.

It’s, you know what I mean? Drank a lot more, right? I mean, I, I, I remember when I, there was a period in my life later on where I was really making a concerted effort not to die as a result of my alcoholism and my drug addiction, and I was not drinking.

I was doing three, four grams of cocaine and about 10 Quaaludes a day. But to me, this was not getting high. This was just sort of a maintenance thing, you know what I mean? It was cocaine and Quaaludes.

I was relaxed but alert. This was right where I wanted to be. You know? A very, very difficult line to walk.

Actually impossible. You know those, those little, uh, those video car games? You know what I mean, where you try to keep the car on the road and you’re always off on the field and in the barn? That was me trying to hit that line with the cocaine and the Quaaludes.

Just all over the place. 16, I got thrown in my, I dropped out of high school, got thrown in my first nuthouse. They took, took me for, uh, three months of observation and a year of rehabilitation, uh, which I thought was a little excessive. Um, I, uh, uh, eventually talked my way out of there.

I did try to escape while I was in there. Uh, my big escape attempt, I mean, I’m in there taking three cups of pills a day and a shot when I can get one, freaking out, and- … just shuffling around in there answering stupid questions, having guys light my cigarettes for me, having a guy stand there while I shaved. And, uh, we were sitting in the cafeteria one day, and I ate all my meals with this insane woman named Kilday.

Kilday was very entertaining. Kilday, you just say a few words to Kilday and she’d just amp out and just- … go insane, and it was very entertaining. It was.

I mean, every me- every meal with Kilday was like dinner and a show, you know what I mean? Eat your lo mein and watch Kilday flip out. So one day I decided I was going to make the big break. They had the exit signs like they’ve got here, except they were lit up green.

Uh, big green exit signs, and that was it, man. That was the word for the day. That’s what I wanted to do, was exit. So I was sitting at the table ready to blast out of there, and I sent K- Kilday was my diversion.

I sent her spinning that way. And I was sitting at the table, I was like, “Ready, ready, go.” You know? And I’m hauling ass, you know what I mean?

That’s all I got. ‘Cause I forgot about those little three cups of pills a day, you know what I mean? I just- And I’m doing my little Thorazine shuffle for the door, you know what I mean? The arms are working.

I’m really trying to get out of this joint. And out from the nurse’s station over the loudspeaker system, you hear, “Uh, Lou, when you got a minute, do you want to grab Earl? He’s making a break for the door.” Ed’s over there having a sandwich, going, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get him in a minute. He ain’t going anywhere.” So I had to talk my way out of that place.

There was no escaping. But tools for living, if you’re going to live my life, and your tools for living are drugs, alcohol, violence, and run, y- you got to know if you’re going to get thrown in mental institutions, you got to get out before they get the Thorazine in you. If you don’t, you leave when they say. It’s that simple.

So the next time I got thrown in the nuthouse, I blew out of there the first day. I created a diversion, blasted out. Bells and whistles are going off. I got an intern right on my tail.

I’m in the back, I’m in this back lawn area heading for this chain link fence with an intern right on my tail, and I’m, I’m f- like 16, 17 years old. I’m a high school dropout, and I’m a drug addict. I am an alcoholic.

I’m at any moment, hopefully, an escaped mental patient. It’s like my resume, you know? This is all I have to say for myself, and I know, though, if I make that fence, I don’t have a problem. I don’t have a problem if I make that fence because I’ll be loaded in 20 minutes.

I’m– this, LA is my town. I’ll be loaded in 20 minutes, and that’s all that matters because I drink and use no matter what. No matter what. In my part of town, they tell a lot of times g- I hear people telling people that are new, “Just don’t drink and use no matter what,” which pisses me off.

I think that kills people, telling them that. If I could just not drink or use no matter what, I guarantee you I would not be here tonight in this room in snowbird Utah sharing my experience, strength, and hope with a group of people, the majority of whom I’ve never seen before in my life. Why the hell would I do that?

Why? I hate to fly. Why would I get on an airplane and fly here, and then have to turn around and get on another one just to get back? I wouldn’t do that.

I’d be at home on my sofa doing my thing, not drinking and using no matter what. But that does not address my problem. That’s like saying, “Just say no,” to a guy like me or the new one, the new one they got now, “Just don’t do it.” Shut up. That’s y- just your ignorance is showing when you say stuff like that, man.

That does not address my disease. That does not address my alcoholism, my drug addiction. That doesn’t even come close to addressing the problem at hand. Um, just an opinion.

But it’s a strong one. Um- So anyway, I hit the streets, and, uh, I, I lived on the streets for three years and I– you do what you do to get loaded in LA on the streets. Stay loaded on a daily basis. Ended up in college.

Long story. We don’t need to get into it here. Without a high school diploma. Cash’ll take care of that.

Um, gave him a year’s tuition, said the transcripts were in the mail. Next thing I know, I’m, I’m, I’m 19 years old. I’m going to business college. Um, I’m a d- become a drug dealer.

I’m studying marketing, production, distribution. I’m applying it to my business. Business is booming. I’ve gone and gotten a GED.

I got my high school diploma. I’m living with this woman up in Northern California. Um, she’s saying things like I’m too high, um, which pisses a guy like me off. I mean, if you can say that, it’s not true.

So we shipped her back to LA, and I was drinking and using the way I do. When I was 20, I got diagnosed to have malignant cancer. Um, I flew back to LA. They did major surgery on my upper back.

They told me I was going to die. They told my family I was going to die. I told him, “You don’t even know who you’re talking to.” ‘Cause I’m using like a madman at this point. And, uh, that sort of stuff’s coming up like twice a week, you know?

You could die if you shoot that. Well, we’ll see. That was just the way I was living. Um, they did the nuclear medicine thing on me.

They had me in the chemotherapy. I didn’t, I didn’t like the shots they were giving me, the drugs they gave me. I didn’t like the buzz, so I just quit. That was rad you got hung at her.

Let’s not get carried away, huh? You want that? Sure.

You can have that. Those are the 12 steps. No, those are different. Those steps.

Um- I have no idea where I was. It makes no difference at all. I’m up at school, I’m getting high. I come back down, I get the cancer thing.

I quit the cancer treatments. I get loaded the way I get loaded. I beat the cancer thing. Basically, I think that I was getting so high that I would become so toxic that cancer could not live in my body.

I had become more of a disease than the disease itself. And it beat the cancer thing. That’s been a lot of years. Um, I went back up north, continued to use the way that I was using.

Um, ended up I had a– I was a junior in college. I had an early acceptance to go to USC law school. I was editor-in-chief of my college newspaper. I mean, things were looking pretty good on the outside, but I was using like a maniac, and it was just nonstop.

And I had known for a while, yeah, I’d known for a few years already that, um, everything in my life was secondary to getting high. It was the only thing that made me feel comfortable anywhere with anybody doing anything. Um, and I knew that if it– if things had to fall by the wayside in order for me to get high, then that’s just the way it was gonna have to be. So I was just keeping the facade going as long as I could.

My mother called me from LA and said, “Look, we haven’t been anywhere as a family in ten years. We’re going anywhere you wanna go. Let’s just go as a family.” And I said, “Okay.” And I flew back to LA, um, did one of those all-nighters, you know, those cocaine nights where you show up and you can’t get your mouth open, you know, just- Showed up like that, just all locked down and crazy.

And, uh, we got on my father’s plane to fly to Guadalajara, and on the way there, the plane crashed. And my mother, my father, my little sister were all killed, and I wasn’t. And I woke up on a mountain in Mexico, just outside of Los Mochis, Mexico, about 160 miles north of Guadalajara. And, uh, my skull was fractured, my back was broken in three places, my arm was crushed, leg was crushed.

I had a lot of internal injuries. I was paralyzed from the waist down, and, uh, I was awake. And, uh, but the only thing I could move was my right arm. And I laid there, and I watched them all bleed to death right in front of me.

And I, uh, had a little quiet talk with God and said, “You know, I have no interest in a God that would take a kind, gentle, loving girl like my 20-year-old sister, Kimberly, um, and leave a lying, cheating, thieving, dope fiend, alcoholic like me on the planet.” I had no interest in a God that would do such a thing, and I renounced God. Some guys came up, uh, and scavenged the plane wreck, took the money out of my wallet, scavenged what they could get off the wreck, and then went, went back down the mountain and left me up there to die. They had no more use for you either.

I was out of the game. I had no interest in other human beings. I had no interest in God. I was gonna get my ass down off of this mountain one way or another, and I was gonna use the way I like to use, and anybody that got in my way, that was just too bad.

I was one angry little son of a bitch with a huge habit, no tools for living other than drink and use, no matter what. And I got– And I kept hitting myself in the side with my right arm ’cause my back was broken, and it hurt so bad when I did it, it pulled me up out of the shock, so I didn’t shock out and die. And some guys eventually came up, and they took me down the, down the mountain, took me to a, a medical station, and they tagged my right big toe. Um, they tagged me, and they sat down and smoked cigarettes waiting for me to die, and I didn’t.

So they finally took me to the hospital. And, uh, they kept me there, and then they realized who they had, and they had me under feder– uh, I was under armed guard by the Federales for three and a half days and interrogated through an interpreter because they wanted to know what I was doing back in Mexico. They wouldn’t give me anything for pain.

And every once in a while, they’d sit me up, and my back was busted, so I’d just pass out. And then they’d lay me back down, and when I’d come to, they’d interrogate me a little more, and then they’d sit me up, and I’d black out, and they’d sit me– lay me back down. It was a nice three and a half days. Uh, I called a friend of mine up in, uh, uh, Northern California, whose family was out of Mexico City, and they got their company plane to fly in, pay a few people.

I got– So I got myself, uh, smuggled out of Mexico. Uh, flew me back up to, uh, Southern California, and I stayed in the hospital there for a long time. They told me I probably wouldn’t walk again. I’d have a withered left hand.

I’d be blind in my left eye. And none of those things are true. And they had me on maximum doses of Demerol every three hours around the clock, right up until the moment I walked out of there under my own power. I had a special brace made with metal bars in the back that cinched up in the front and a cane.

And I walked out of there, and, uh, three hours and 15 minutes later, man, I was looking to hook up ’cause I was jonesing bad. And I did. And I went on my la– I got a lot of money from the airplane crash, the insurance, and I went on my last run, and it lasted four and a half years, and I went for it. It was not about getting sober at any sing– at any point during that.

It was not about cleaning up. Occasionally, I had to detox enough to get well enough to go back to using. Uh, my routine at that point, I was overdosing a lot. One of my claims to fame was that I could talk to you while you pumped my stomach.

They could run the tubes on me, and I could talk to you. I got so used to it. Um- I, uh, it was a long run. Um, and I was loaded every single minute of it.

From the time I would come to till I would pass out, that could be four hours, that could be four days. You never knew. I’ve come to in different cities. I’ve come to in, in very interesting conversations with police departments.

I’ve, um, all kinds of interesting situations. You just– It just becomes a normal fare. You just come to again in the middle of a conversation, and you just know you did it again. I’ve, um, that, uh…

I got– I did not drink or use on three separate occasions in the last four and a half years. Um, they were 72 hours each, and that was because I was strapped to a table. Um, shot full of anticonvulsants and let ride. There was– There were little fake sanitariums in Hollywood that I used to go in and give them 150 bucks cash, give them your wallet, your gun, your bottle of Valium, your car keys.

They’d strap you to a table, shoot you full of anticonvulsants, and 72 hours later, they’d either send you home or send you to the morgue. They didn’t care. And you’d get up, and you’d pray to God, “God, it’s me again. Get me through this sane and alive, and I’ll never, never, never do this again.

I can’t take it. My ass is kicked. I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict.

I’ve known that for years. I cannot take the pain and the torture, the madness of this anymore. I can’t do it.” And I’d come crawling up off that table and stagger out there, and they’d give me my wallet, my Valium, my car keys, and my gun back, and I’d stagger out to my car, and I’d pop 40, 50 milligrams of Valium because, you know, I’m shaking, and I gotta drive.

Because I don’t know what I’m up against. I don’t know what I’m up against. I don’t k- I don’t know that it’s not just about stopping. It’s about not starting again and having the tools to do that.

I didn’t know what– I knew I was an alcoholic, but I didn’t know what alcoholism was. I didn’t know about an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body. I had no idea. So I’d take 40, 50 milligrams of Valium to settle down enough to drive home and come to four days later in Oakland pounding on a bar.

I’m like the guy in the book that was on his way home and now comes to pounding on the bar wondering how it happened. That’s me. And I did that three more times, and the end for me was in Venice, California. I had a– In a blackout, I had attempted to, uh, murder my, uh, landlord.

He was not happy about that. We had been evicted, and, uh, it was over. I came to, and it was over. I was yellow.

I was quite literally dying of alcoholism. I had hair out like this, a beard out like this. I was 215 pounds. I was psychotic, and I don’t use the term loosely.

I could not distinguish between fantasy and reality. I would come to, and I didn’t– And I’d, I’d think of something, and I didn’t know if I’d done that, somebody told me that, did I hear that on the radio. Wha– Um, I didn’t know. Um, I had been accused of murder, um, on, in a blackout on one occasion.

I have absolutely no memory of what happened. I was sitting at home drinking, just like I always was. Got a phone call, picked up the phone. I said, “Hello?” Buddy of mine said, “I guess it’s not true.” He said, uh, um…

I said, “What are you talking about?” He says, “Well, apparently you were at a party Friday night, and you got in a fight and killed a guy.” And I said, “What?” And I couldn’t remember Friday. I had no idea what I’d done Friday. He goes, “Yeah, some friends of your family have talked to the district attorney, and they got things set up for you to come down and surrender yourself,” and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, “Well, call him back and tell him I’m at home.

If anybody wants to talk to me, here I am.” And, uh, things just drifted away. I don’t know. I don’t– And I don’t know. And those are crazy, wild things to have in your head.

W- I mean, when I was finished, both my paws were broken. I had two broken hands. I was f- 215 pounds. I was yellow.

I was psychotic. I had almost 700 stitches in me. I’d broken 75 bones. I’d been stabbed twice, shot at.

The violence had been extreme. My family was dead. I had no friends. I had no money left.

I had no place to live. I burned my life to the ground. The only thing left was that my lungs were still breathing, and my heart was still beating. I was a completely destroyed human being, and I had no tools for living that worked at all.

And I threw up my hands, and I said, “Help me.” And they took me by ambulance to an emergency room, and they palmed my stomach one more time, and they said, “Get him out of here. He’s gonna die.” And they took me by ambulance to another facility. They kept me five days. They said, “He’s getting worse.

Get him out of here.” And they took me by ambulance down to a place in Long Beach, California, Long Beach General Hospital, and put me on a free bed. And, uh, I detoxed another 12 days in there, and they didn’t make it easy on you back in those days, man. This was a long– This was a while back. They, I mean, they, they kept me from…

I only th- had one convulsion while I was in there, which was pretty good for there. They kept you just this side of it. A- and it was an… And I spent another 30 days on a free bed in there with a counselor guy t- And, and, and I learned one thing while I was in there.

Um, if I didn’t wanna die, I had to– I couldn’t, I could never drink again. Could never use again. And if I didn’t wanna do that, I was gonna have to find a place called Alcoholics Anonymous and get involved in it. This was back before there was any CA.

And I said, “Okay.” And I remember your Friday night speaker, Sam, was the first speaker I ever heard when they’d just got me out of detox. And those places, out of detox, man, if they stood you up and helped you, you could walk. And this guy had me, and he gave me a third of a cup of decaf in a Styrofoam cup, and I was just shaking like a dog, man. And they, and they helped me in.

I sat down. There was a panel coming in, and this panel was Sam. And he had, like, 21 years of sobriety at that time. He’s gonna be 40 in January.

And, um, this guy started talking, and he was funny. And he was talking about, you know, all these crazy speed runs that he was going on and that he’d, um, he’d gotten clean, and he decided to write them down. He wrote a couple of them down, and they ended up as two episodes of Mission Impossible. He’d sold them to Mission Impossible.

And I was thinking– And he made me laugh. And I was sitting there, and I was so crazy. I heard this sound, and it was me laughing. And it was only at that moment that I realized I hadn’t laughed in a long, long time.

And that made me so sad. I just sat there and cried. Shaking with my little cup of coffee and crying, listening to this madman at the podium say he’d been sober 21 years. I thought, “No way.” No way, ’cause it sounds like you was like me.

There’s no way you could do that. And shuffled around, and I left that place. And through a series of circumstances, I found Alcoholics Anonymous. It took me about another year and a half.

I didn’t drink. I haven’t had a drink since 1978, but I’ve been clean and sober since November 6, 1980. So in November I’ll be– I’ll have 16 years of sobriety, and that, uh, that’s impossible. Nah, man, you just, you’re just applauding yourselves ’cause of tip top.

You’re applauding yourselves because there is absolutely no way I could stay s- clean for a day. I couldn’t stay clean for a day until I found this place. No way. And I wandered into the basement of a church on a Friday night at eight thirty in West Los Angeles, and I sat in the back with my arms folded, with my best “fuck you, get away from me” look on my face.

‘Cause I was scared to death, man. My tools for living didn’t work anymore, and I was a terrified, wounded little animal sitting in the back of a room, who had no idea how to be in the room. I’d been underground since I was fourteen years old. I had no idea.

I had no sense of a f- of family, of being a family or being a part of that kind of a structure or unit. I had no sense of community. I had not been a part of my community. I had no sense of, of social systems or how they worked.

I had no idea. I’d been an addict my whole life. I didn’t know anything about it, and I had done some very crazy things out there, and I had no place else to go but this room. And I sat in the back with my arms folded bec- looking crazy, ’cause that’s what I was.

‘Cause if you came up on me and said that you– I– was no way I could talk to you. If you came up to me and said, “How you doing?” The answer was, “I don’t know.” If I’d have been honest when I came into recovery, if you’d have walked up to me and said anything to you, I would’ve just opened my mouth and started screaming because that was all that was inside me. I was out of my mind, and I was terrified that if I g- if I couldn’t do this, I was gonna die.

And I was at that point, I, I am a low bottom, hope to die, dope fiend alcoholic of the hopeless variety. That’s who I am. And I’m here tonight to tell you that low bottom, hopeless alcoholics and drug addicts- Sure … can recover in these rooms.

My life was destroyed. I got here the only way I could get here, and that was that, that I had no place else left to go. So I sat in the back of the room, my arms folded. And the guys with some time, they stayed off of me ’cause they knew who I was.

They’d been me. They knew you don’t go up on a guy like that. It’s not about being tough. It’s about he’s a very frightened, crazy individual, and if you get up on him, he’ll get violent.

So they stayed away from me, man. They called out across the room, and they said, “Brother, we’re glad you’re here. There’s some coffee over there. We got a seat for you right here.” “Welcome.” Which I love.

Man, I said, “Cool.” “They got the message,” you know? And I went and I got my coffee, and I went and I sat down. Dying inside. Can’t let anybody know what’s in here.

Cannot. Haven’t for years and years and years. Hadn’t asked anybody for anything in a long time. But every meeting’s got a guy who’s new, who’s just caught fire with AA, and he’s gonna give it away tonight.

You know what I mean? And they had one, guy named Vegas. Vegas saw me, and all he saw was new guy, so he came up on me. He said, “Hi, I’m Vegas.

I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what? Ain’t, you know, ain’t exactly the highlight of my life. I don’t know what you’re so happy about. Get away from me, man.” And he looked at me and he said, “Keep coming back,” and turned around and took off.

And I thought, “Great,” you know. “Keep coming back, that’s gonna help about 3:00 AM when I’m losing it one more time.” Meant nothing to me. Keep coming back to a guy like me, it meant nothing. Neither did one day at a time.

Neither did turn it over. Neither did easy does it. What the hell does any of that mean when you’re n- fresh off the street, crazy out of your mind, and you know, man, you slip up once, you’re dead. You’re spiritually bankrupt.

You’ve burned your life to the ground. So those things didn’t mean a goddamn thing to me. All it did was irritate me because it was said to me in a way that suggested there was some deep spiritual significance to these little slogans. And you all knew what they were, and I didn’t, so I felt like the loser one more time, so you could shove your little slogans.

If you’re new, there’s a couple guys that stood up who are new tonight. If you’re new, not– Again, just another suggestion. If you’re new and some guy walks up on you and says, “Hey, bro, keep coming back,” or my favorite, “Just turn it over,” right? Says that to you, step up to the plate, man.

Say, “Excuse me. I don’t understand the deep spiritual significance of turn it over. Would you mind explaining that to me a little bit?” Well, if in, in my neck of the woods, if they’re honest, uh, they would– about 70% of them would say, “Well, you know what?

I don’t really know what it means either.” “You know, I came in, they said it to me. You came in, I’m saying it to you. I don’t really know what it means.” “You know, but there’s a guy over there that reads the big book, you know, I’m gonna go ask him. Maybe he knows.” So I sat in the back and this old-timer got up, and he was, like, 65 years old.

He was a skid row bum, he was an ex-wino, and he was an ex-boxer. And I thought, “Pfft, I’m none of those things. This guy knows nothing about me,” ’cause, see, I came in here being able to spot the differences between you and me immediately. I– And that way– ‘Cause that way, I don’t have to listen to you.

I don’t have to be threatened by what you have to say. I don’t have to hear from you that what I’m doing doesn’t work, that I’m not okay, that I’m not enough, ’cause that’s all I can hear. So I, I have to get you off the list real fast. I got to work 15 seconds, man.

I could tell you didn’t know about me. I mean, it was… If you’re a woman, you don’t know about me. If you’re a woman.

It’s not about her being better or worse, it’s just different. If you’re a woman, you don’t know about me. You’re five years older, five years younger, you come up with something else, man. You don’t know about me.

You gay, you don’t know about me. You black, Hispanic, Asian, you don’t know about me. I mean, I got so good at it, by the time I got here, I’d circle the wagon so tight it was just, “If you’re not Earl, you don’t know about me.” I can just b- back you off right away. But this guy got up and he said these things, and I thought, “Pfft, this guy knows nothing about me.” But the beauty of my circumstance was, was that I was sitting in the back there with my arms folded, keeping everybody off of me, but I didn’t have anywhere to go.

And absolutely, I thought if I go get in my car and leave, where do I go? I have nowhere to go. Nowhere. So I stay.

And that guy got up and he said two things that blew my mind, that did something for me that nobody had been able to do, ever. He got up and he spoke honestly and openly about his feelings as a man, and I was amazed by that. He talked about waking up with his head chewing on him, head telling him what a miserable, worthless son of a bitch he was, and it didn’t let up all day. And while his head was doing that, he got up, he got dressed– took a shower, got dressed, went to work, put in an honest day’s work.

Went and got something to eat and went to a meeting, and was of service to that meeting. He did not go to that meeting to get something; he went to give something because he had worked the 12 steps as outlined in the big book, he’d had a spiritual awakening as a result of that, had been restored to sanity, and was now coming to the meetings to give something that had been freely given to him. He knew about that and he understood that.

When he was done, he went to coffee with a couple of new guys, shared what he could in terms of his experience, strength, and hope with them. Went home, got in bed, head chewing on him the whole way. No wreckage. That was amazing to me.

I’d never had a day like that. I didn’t know about a day like that. And then it was like he looked right at me and he said, “You know what? I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not.

You don’t like what I got to say? Go to another meeting.” I loved that. I loved that because it made it clear to me this guy’s not selling me something, he’s sharing it with me. If I want it, I can have it, or any part of it.

If I don’t want it, if it’s not good for me, come– go to another meeting, find somebody that’s got something that, that I want, that I can use. I thought, “You know what?” And I got to sit back there acting like I hated this, but inside I thought, “This is cool. I’m coming back.” And I got– I, and I waited till the next Friday, and I went back to that meeting to hear that guy talk some more. I didn’t know that they had different speakers.

It, you know, then, then there were different kinds of meetings- -and you could go other places during the week until that meeting came around again, you go back to that. And I went to go hear that guy talk again that Friday night. And this lady got up and talked, and I thought, “Great, a lady. She don’t know nothing about me.” And she got up and she blew my mind.

Um, I know her still. The other guy I’ve never seen since. The– Her I know today. And, uh, what I left that first meeting with was something I hadn’t had in years, and that was hope.

I’m a hopeless addict, alcoholic, and I left there with hope. I thought, “This is cool. I’m coming back.” And I’ve been here ever since. I’ve been here ever since.

And it was a luck of the draw and the God shots, a lot of God shots along the way. But I had a cousin who knew a guy who knew a guy that got me in a hospital bed, who knew a lady named Dr. Vicky Fox, who was running Long Beach General Hospital alcoholism program, and got me a free bed. And there was a counselor there by the name of Ray White who got to me because he cared enough to try and get to a guy who was obviously

not gonna make it. And a guy named Serenity Sam bothered to come into a panel to a bunch of– And Sam referred, said, “Talk to me about that place.” That place was the end of the line, man. I mean, the guys that were in this joint, we were all in real rough shape. The guy who slept next to me, there was 42 guys in one room with just sheets between the beds.

The guy next to me had been on the streets six months, total six months since 1959. I mean, we were all just jailhouse rots, m- rats, mental institution patients, alcohol– you know, low bar and hopeless alcoholics. And the, these guys– And Sam came in and shared, took a panel, and I hear– I knew– I became knowledgeable about a guy named Serenity Sam in Alcoholics Anonymous. And these guys, these were little God shots along the way.

About 18 months before I got clean, there was a, uh, um, there was– It’s another story, but there was some stuff that went on in my life and this film studio wanted to do a movie of my life, and I’m sitting in a production meeting on this film. And this– And there’s these people that are the production. There were a couple of producers and there was a, um, couple other executives, and there was a, a guy who was a set designer for all these people.

And they had worked together for six and a half years, and the set designer was a guy in AA. But he’d wor- And he’d worked with them for six and a half years and had, and, and maintained his anonymity with them in the work group, in the work, uh, field all that time. They didn’t know he was in AA. And he broke his anonymity that night in front of those people to say to me, “Young man, if you don’t find your way to Alcoholics Anonymous, you’re gonna die.”

And I remember thinking that, “And here’s my card. Call me.” A year and a half later, I’m in AA, and people are telling me, “You should get a sponsor.” And I said, “Fine. What’s a sponsor?” They didn’t tell me anything about a sponsor. And I said, “You know,” and I looked around and I couldn’t find anybody, and this woman came up to me one day and she said, “You ever heard of a guy named Donald Madden?” And I got this chill ’cause that was the set designer from

the meeting a year and a half before. Out of all the names she could’ve come up with, that’s the guy she mentions. I said, “That’s weird. I gotta go home.” I went home.

I went to my phone book. I opened up the M page, and there was one business card paper-clipped to the M page, and it was Donald Madden’s card. And I took it out, and I said, “This is just too weird,” and I called it up, and he answered the phone. And I said, “This is Earl Hightower.

You probably don’t remember me.” And he said, “Oh, yes, I do.” I said, “Well, I’m in AA now, and I’d like to talk,” and he said, “Be in my office at nine o’clock tomorrow.” Click. And I went over there, and he sponsored me for almost the next fourteen years, right up until the day he died. And he was as fine an example of recovery as I’ve ever met, and he rebuilt me from the ground up. Donald Madden, um, I have a God in my life because of Donald Madden.

Donald Madden, I have a God in my life because I saw that God working in Donald Madden’s life. Late, great Donald Madden. I have a program in Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, AA Anonymous. Luckily for me, I, I, I, uh, qualify for any anonymous you got.

Um, I have a way to live because of him. He show– He didn’t teach it to me. He showed it to me by example, by the way he lived. Um, I talked to him every single day, no matter what.

I took every bit of direction he gave me, no matter what, and he knew what he had on his hands. When I walked in, asked him to sponsor me, and he said yes, that was the first time I’d asked anybody to do anything for me in years. It’s the first time I’d reached out in years. When he said yes, I put my head down on the table and cried like a baby, and he sat there and patted me on the back of the head, and he leaned– And he had seen me out there, so he turned over to this other guy that was in the room, and he said, “I want

you to know we have a real one here.” And he was real excited about sponsoring me because he knew that he had a completely empty shell. There was nothing in the way. There was n- There– He could rebuild me from the ground up, and that’s exactly what he did. He showed me how to be self-supporting through my own contributions.

He showed me how to get a job. He showed me how to have an answering machine and a telephone. He showed me how to have a driver’s license with my picture on it, and when you went to the address on that driver’s license, I lived there. He showed me how to be in an apart- I mean, these are things that other people take for granted that were, like, the kind of things where I went home, and I looked at my driver’s license with my picture

and my address on it, and I cried ’cause I had a driver’s license I could show you. I remember the first time I sat in my little one-room apartment that I had for three hundred and twenty-five dollars a month in Pacific Palisades, California, where if you went out and stood up on the balcony and looked way, way up, you could see a little piece of the ocean. You could smell the ocean, and I was living in heaven.

I remember when, um, my phone rang, and it didn’t frighten me. And I went over, and I did not wait for the answering machine to pick it up to screen the call. The phone rang. I walked over and picked it up and said, “Hello.” Somebody said, “Earl?” And I said, “Yeah, this is Earl.” I started crying ’cause I didn’t know how to do those sort of things.

Those were things that I didn’t do in the world that I came from. But I lived in that apartment for six and a half years, and three people saw it. I didn’t h- I didn’t heal quick. I didn’t heal quick.

I never took a chip. I didn’t take a cake until I was three years sober, and I didn’t say a word in Alcoholics Anonymous until I was two and a half. And the only reason I did that was because my sponsor said, “If you don’t open your mouth, if you don’t open up to this deal, you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do.” I mean, I called my sponsor every day. I was in seven to nine meetings a week.

I had commitments at meetings. I was cleaning up after meetings, but I was the guy in the back nobody knew. I remember one night we were at Ohio Street, Saturday night, Ohio Street, and my– And Donald was the, the secretary, and all his guys, we were– had the commitment. And the speaker was up speaking, and I was standing in the back of the meeting just caving in, man.

I just couldn’t do another– couldn’t walk another step. And I was standing in the back just thinking, “You know, you’re just a worthless piece of shit. You’re never gonna make it. You’re no good.

You never will.” I was just caving in. And Donald was sit- up sitting up in the front, and he turned, and he saw me back there. He saw me, and he got up in the middle of the meeting, got up and walked right up to the front of the meeting, tapped the speaker on the shoulder. Said, “Excuse me.” Speaker stepped aside.

Donald stepped up to the microphone. He said, “Earl.” And I’m in the back of the meeting, and I just- You know? And he looked at me. He said, “We’re having a meeting.” And I went, “R-Right.

Right, right. Okay, I’m at the meeting. I’m at the meeting.” And then he just stepped aside and brought the speaker back to the podium. Everyone sat down.

The whole meeting was going, “Who the hell is Earl?” I’d been there for two and a half years. I did not heal quickly around here. It took t- a lot of time for a guy like me because I started with nothing. Started with nothing.

And I– And he told me to speak, so I did. I did, and it terrified me. I am not one of these guys… I speak now all over the place.

I’m flying everywhere every weekend, talking all over the place. Last year, I spoke at twenty-seven conventions and probably two or three meetings a week during the week. I, I talked to about a hundred thousand people last year, and the only reason I did it was because that was nineteen ninety-five, and Donald died in July of ninety-four, and I was gonna go all over the place everywhere and tell people. I didn’t say no to any AA request for a year ’cause I wanted to travel anywhere anybody would have me and let people know that there are guys like Donald Madden that

are willing to be there for guys like me who don’t deserve a second chance, don’t deserve another breath, don’t deserve a moment of peace, should never know serenity. Every single day, for free, doing

something that nobody else on the face of the earth could do, except another dope fiend, except another alcoholic. Nobody in the world I hate getting emotional at meetings God. And I miss him. God, you know, I miss him.

But you know what the beautiful side of that is? I’m a guy that could never– I mean, you could beat me within an inch of my life, and I’d spit at you. I’ve had people pull guns on me and said, “Do it, you stupid son of a bitch.” I’ve been stabbed and just fought back. I’m, you know, I– You were in my life, fine.

You’re out of my life, fine. I didn’t care if you were there or you were gone. It made no difference to me, ever. There was, there was no loving and being loved in my life, and I carried that well into recovery.

And it’s an absolutely amazing transformation that I could love somebody enough to have it break my heart when they left. I’m still learning from Donald Madden. Still learning.

And the beauty of, of it is, is that he’s not dead. Donald Madden will never die ’cause I’m still here, and I sponsor a bunch of guys. And when he died, I sat there with all my boys and I said, “I’m gonna tell you about Donald Madden,” and I told them all the Donald Madden stories, all the crazy, insane shit that we did sober, about the dark moments that we all got through ’cause Donald Madden was there sharing his experience, strength, and hope.

The lear– Th- Each of us learning in our own time and our own way that we could get through anything, anything life could dish out to us and create a minimum of wreckage getting through it because we had the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and we had each other. So they all know. See, we’re like this big tribe, you know?

And we ha– And we gather around the campfire at these meetings all over the world. These tribes, little tribes gather, and we share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. The things that we didn’t have when we got here and we get by coming here, and we all, we have this verbal history. We’ve got a book that tells us how to stay in the game and some examples of how people came to know a power greater than themselves in the back, came to know God.

And we sit around, and we share our daily experience with one another, and we leave a little stronger. And occasionally, a few of the tribes have a conference, and you have a big powwow. And everybody gathers together and all the tribes get together to see, “Man, all the tribes are doing– Uh, we never knew these guys from this tribe, but those guys are doing the same thing we’re doing.” And the consciousness expands, and it expands.

And I tell people about my lineage. I was with Donald longer than I was with my parents. He’s the most single– was the single most important human being of my entire life. And he loved me when I was unlovable.

Taught me how to f- have friends, how to be a friend by being one to me. I’m a product of Donald Madden, f- flat out. Anything that I got of that’s of value in my life is because I paid attention. He was the only individual I trusted on the face of the earth for the first two and a half years I was sober.

Trusted no one else. Talked to no one else. And he’s the one who forced me to expand that circle and introduced me to Christopher, and Christopher became my closest friend and is to this day, and we were both sponsored by Donald up until the day he died. Donald was sponsored by Norm Alpee, was sponsored by Jack C., was sponsored by Bill W.

That’s my line. Those are my guys. And all the guys that I sponsor know about those guys and have heard those tapes and have listened to those people. And have understood that the message that has been passed on is intact, that nobody has messed with the message.

There’s no As Earl Sees It in the message that I pass on from the one Donald gave me, and there’s no As Donald Sees It. It’s just right on back up the line, and it’s straight out of the book, which– And I stay pretty much out of the controversy in AA and CA and all that when all that, when, when all the shit hits the fan, everybody gets in the controversy and all the things, big goddamn debate and all that stuff. I just go outside and see if there’s some new guys standing out there, and I go, “How c– How are you, man?” I can’t get into all that.

I can’t get into that. And one day I’m in a meeting, I’m in a meeting, and they have a GSR report, and the GSR gets up in front of the group and says, “You know what? Uh, there’s a thing from, uh, um, central office. They’re sending out stuff saying, you know, they’re talking about making some changes in the first hundred and sixty-four pages of the big book, that there’s some language in there that’s, that’s apparently, uh, politically incorrect.”

And the guys in the meeting that knew me, they all just looked at me. And I stood up, and I said- I have an answer, and everybody was shocked ’cause I don’t get into that stuff. And I said, “You know what?

I agree that there is some language in the Big Book that is politically incorrect, and no, you sh- should not change the first 164 pages of the Big Book, and you won’t. If I ever have anything to say about it, don’t you change one goddamn word in that book, not one word. If you try to, you will create terrorists within AA- …

that I will lead in an assault on your organization.” “Don’t you do that,” because, I mean, what are we gonna do? I mean, five years from now, you know how we are. I mean, you know what I mean? We’ll get that result.

We’ll have to dig up some other bullshit. You know, in five years something else will be politically incorrect, so we’ll change it just a shred then, just a, just a tiny bit. Doesn’t seem to affect the, the impact or the, or the message as a, as a whole in the book, and then we’ll change it a little bit, and then a little bit, and a little bit, and a little bit. And then when my grandchildren come to AA, which you know they’re gonna- When my grandchildren come here, what are they gonna get?

What are they gonna get? If it works, don’t fix it. It works. It works better than anything has ever worked in the history of man as it regards this illness, this thing called addiction.

It’s ours, and we gotta protect it. So I threw a fit over that one. They had to, like, walk me around. I lost my mind, man.

I mean, I could just see Donald spinning in his grave, man, just zzz. Change the Big Book. Shut up. You know, and so, I mean, and, and I’ve done the work in the book, and I’ve had a spiritual awakening as a result of doing that work, of doing the work.

There’s a symbol. It’s a circle with a triangle. In AA it’s unity, recovery, and service. I mean, it’s the same, it’s the same spiritual symbol.

It stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being, and therein lies the balance I never had drunk or sober. And I needed to do the work in the, on that kind of a spiritual path, on that kind of a fundamental level. And Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous are right in line with that. Unity is the body.

I bring it here. I gotta bring my body with you. Left to my own devices, I’m drunk and I’m dead. This is the way it goes.

I gotta be with you. I gotta be with you. The recovery is of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease. It’s what it tells me.

It’s, it’s about n- everybody in here is clean now, man. It ain’t about getting clean. It’s about not starting again. Why do we keep coming back here?

To not start again. It’s about how do you not start again. You gotta deal with the obsession of the mind, ’cause your body won’t take you out there, man. If you’re sitting here physically clean, the phenomenon of craving, a physical phenomenon, has been addressed.

You don’t have it. But you got the obsession of the mind, that thing that when you’re sitting in a meeting says, you know, “I never got to have a Zima.” “And I bet I could have just one of those.” Those things that float through that are madness, that are the evidence of madness, right? The recovery of the mind, how you recover the mind is you work the 12 steps.

That’s what they’re there for. That’s what they’re outlined to do. Step one is what’s the problem. Lack of power is my dilemma.

I may be sane in every other area, but when it comes to the question of drinking and using, I am uniquely nuts, and I must address this problem. Lack of power. A powerless over it. Whole life’s unmanageable as a result of it.

If lack of power is my problem, what’s my solution? Step two, that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink. Knowing that, I can go get loaded, so I better make a decision to do something about it ’cause it is a program of action. What am I gonna do?

Step three, I’m gonna make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. Oh, that’s what you turn over, your will and your life. I get it. So I got down on my knees, said my third step prayer, got back up, and it said, “You gotta embark upon a plan of rigorous action right now.” Okay, what is it?

Four through nine. Four and five is me, six and seven is God, and eight and nine is you. Nobody else to play with. Four and five I do a thorough inventory on resentment, fear, and sex.

Four columns. Write it all down like it says in the book. Swallow large chunks of truth about myself. Another individual comes in the house, I read it to him before God, he leaves the house.

Six and seven I hook it back up with God, humbly ask Him, Him to remove my shortcomings. I’ll remove the wrong shit. Leave it to Him. I do that.

That’s with God. Eight and nine, a lot of conversation in the book about that, ’cause then you’re gonna let me near other people, and that can be dangerous. So they’re very, very clear about what they want me to do. I actually leave the house for the first time in the steps, say, “I’m very, very sorry.

Here’s your money,” and I go back in the house. They give me 10, 11, and 12 to keep me in the game. Ten, 11, and 12 is the same three things. It’s me, God, and you in the same order.

Me, God, and you. Me, God, and you. Me, God, and you, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Me, God, and you, 10, 11, and 12.

Same order, ’cause I gotta get it right here. So 10, I continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it. If I wait, I’ll fester. I’ll be filled with resentment.

It’s the number one offender. It kills more alcoholics and drug addicts than anything else. I gotta get rid of it now. So I do a daily inventory on that to see where I’m at, and if I got amends to make, I make it.

Step 11, action step. I seek God. How do I seek Him? Through prayer and meditation.

What do I pray for? Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Why do I meditate? To quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them.

Step 12 is the third side of the triangle. Unity is the body. I bring it here. Recovery is of the mind.

I work the steps. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of that, third side of the triangle, I can be of service. How can I help? Which is how I live my life now, ’cause that’s what Donald Madden told me to do, and I will always do what he told me to do.

It’s not ’cause I’m a good guy that I, “How can I help?” I mean, I do it in business meetings. I do it everywhere. I walk in, I say, “How can I help?” I’m a consultant. I have a job that’s how can I help.

I come in to solve problems, to see what’s going on, to improve situations. How can I help? Not ’cause I’m a good guy, ’cause I wanna stay sober. I wanna stay clean.

That’s why I do it. I’m very clear of purpose here. I’m here because I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna die a miserable, lonely death.

I don’t wanna dance with that beast ever again, ever again. I like it here. Had a hard couple of years. So what?

Life on life’s terms, man. I’ve taken some shots the last couple of years. My world’s been rocked fundamentally. Seven of the top ten most stressful things a human being can do I did in the last eighteen months.

Seven of them. I was rocking, man, and at one point I got so angry I stood up and I was– This is true. I was raising my fist to God. I was getting up to raise my fist to God and just say, “Make your point.” “Just make the goddamn point and let’s move on.

I’m right here. I’m listening. Let’s wrap this up.” And as I’m going up, you know, just that, “Ugh”, and I just sunk to my knees in tears, and I put my hands up and I just said, “Tell me what you want me to do.” I surrendered one more time, and the phone rang.

I picked up the phone. Earl Hightower. Just, I mean, just surrendered one more time. This guy picks up the phone, and the guy says, “Uh, hi, Earl.

You know, I, I’ve known you around the program. I got eight years clean. Uh, I’ve been thinking of asking you to sponsor me for a couple years, but I’ve been afraid to ask, and I just took a chance and thought I’d call you right now and ask you if you’d sp- ask you if you’d sponsor me.” And I just like, “Thanks.” “Yeah, of course I’ll sponsor you.

Here’s what we’re gonna do. Read Doctor’s Opinion in the first eight pages of Bill’s Story, and call me back in half an hour.” He said, “Great, I’ll do it. Thanks a lot,” and hung up, and I was back in the game. I was back in the game, doing the things.

I’ve had a lot of shit come down in the last year and a half, and I got very little wreckage. Very little wreckage, and it’s a result of being a member of this program. It’s a result of doing– taking this thing seriously. I don’t take myself that seriously anymore.

Like standing right here, right now, my left leg is completely gone. It’s completely asleep. I am standing like a crane up here. ‘Cause I got, I got s- a few back problems as a result of breaking it once in s- once in the plane crash and again in sobriety.

Um, I’ve led a interesting life sober, too, which is ano– I mean, a-and it’s just asleep, so if I just tip over, just stand me back up. I’ll be all right. Um, I have a great life, man. I have a great life.

I have another sponsor. I’ve had a sponsor… So I, I was– We were waiting for them to come get Donald’s body, and I was on the phone asking Al to sponsor me. I said, “Al, Donald’s dead.

Will you sponsor me?” He said, “Sure, I will.” And the reason I asked Al is because when I was new, Donald said to me, “Pay attention. That guy’s a good man.” And I knew Al loved and respected Donald, and Donald loved and respected Al. So when I went to Al, he said, “Don’t worry, man. I understand.

This may take a little time for you to warm up to this. You take the time you need, and know I’m here and I love you.” And that’s what I’ve needed, and it’s been hard for me to hook up with him, but I got a new sponsor. I go to a lot of meetings. I share my experience, strength, and help a lot.

I don’t speak that much in LA anymore because I need to go back home. I spent three days out on the road doing this. I gotta go back home, and I gotta get refueled, and I gotta listen, and I gotta set up chairs, and I gotta clean up meetings, and I gotta work with the guys I sponsor, and I gotta hook up with my peers in AA that I’ve been with for fifteen and sixteen years and share openly and honestly about where I’m at as a man and what’s going on in my life.

And I party like a madman, man. I have a very good time. I have a, I have a good time. I do things sober that a lot of you might be offended by.

My only, my only response to that is then don’t do it. You live your life, and I’ll live mine. Who y- who I get to come to know in here is me. Who I gotta get comfortable with is me, and I get to be Earl.

See, that’s the whole point. I get to be me, and you get to be you. Who you’re gonna meet in here if you stay and do the work is you, and I guarantee you when you get there, you’re gonna be pleasantly surprised. When you strip away all the stuff that we put between ourselves and the truth about who we are because we’re afraid and we’re ashamed as a result of the things we do while we’re drinking and using, you will find

things there that will really, really surprise you in a very, very pleasant way. I’m having a very good time in my life. I go home now. I’ll go home tomorrow.

I’ll get myself squared away for Monday. I’ll go back to work Monday, and I’ll put in an honest day, and I’ll communicate with other human beings. And I’ll make money, and I’ll lose money, and I’ll be in relationships, and I won’t be in relationships, and I’ll act out and do crazy, dramatic shit that I like to do, and people will say, “Wow, he’s crazy,” and other people say, “Cool, Earl, let it rip.” You know what it’s about?

It’s about the fact I’m not a slave anymore. I’m not in prison anymore. I’m not in the nuthouse anymore. Nobody’s shooting at me anymore.

Not anybody that knows me. I mean, I live in LA. I’m, I’m free. I’m a free man, and I’m living free, and I’m– And my question to you about being– If you’re new, my question to you is this: How free do you wanna be?

If you wanna be a little free, work this thing a little bit. You wanna be real free, man, you wanna catch the biggest buzz a dope fiend or an alcoholic can ever experience, which is a spiritual path, a conscious contact, and an ability to be in this moment right here, right now. Like my new sponsor Al says, I gotta get right here.

I gotta get between those. I gotta get right in there. If I could just get in there, I’ll be right here, right now. ‘Cause there’s no life for me anyplace else but right now.

There’s no love for me anyplace else but right here, right now. There’s no freedom, there’s no God, there’s no nothing anywhere but right here, right in this moment. And the thing for me as an insane, crazed, hope-to-die dope fiend alcoholic is, is can a guy like me get comfortable standing where I’m standing, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with right here, right now on the natch, nothing in the way, nothing between us?

Can a guy like me do that? The answer is yeah, a guy like me can. A guy like me can because there’s people like Donald Madden in the world, because there’s people like Serenity Sam in the world, because there’s people walking amongst us in here that look like perfectly normal people that are out of their goddamn minds, man.

They got a fire for living and a passion for being in the game, a passion for being in the game. And if you be a dope fiend or an alcoholic, you get into this program and work these steps and think of it like a big bag of dope or a big case of booze or whatever your thing was, and you work this thing, you will catch a serious buzz. ‘Cause you will find yourself in the moment for real, living your life, feeling the fire, feeling the passion, feeling the freedom, and you will find out that you had it ass

backwards just like I did. You will find out when a guy like Sam says, “We insist upon having fun in here,” he ain’t lying, and the man’s walking like he’s talking. The guy’s having a very good time. He’s a road dog, man.

The man is on the road, man. He’s driving out from Indiana. They’re not going straight back. They’re heading over…

Where the hell was that? Moab, and over here, this other place. Look at these big arch things and- In the world, man, living, having a good time, right? I’m doing the stuff that I’m doing.

I found that I had it completely backwards. I believed when I came in here, if I loved you, you would love me. If I was, if I showed you respect, you would respect me. If I, if I was honest with you, you would be honest with me.

That’s not the way life works. But then I, you know, I’d never been in real life, so I didn’t know. What’s happened is, is that the reward for that kind of behavior is much, much greater than I thought it was. ‘Cause what’s happened is, is that if I show you love, if I tell you flat out, stone cold sober right here in the moment that I love you and I mean it,

it doesn’t mean that you’re gonna love me. It means that I’ve become a loving man. That’s what it means. If I show you respect, if I show this podium respect by putting on a coat and a tie ’cause that’s how the old-timers did it, and Donald told me, “When you get up to speak and you’re,

a-a-and it’s a banquet, you put on a coat and tie.” So I put on a coat and tie. I show respect. Does that mean you will show me respect? Absolutely not.

It means I’ve become a respectful man. If I tell you the truth, does it mean you will be honest with me? No. Just means I’ve become an honest man.

I’m closer to these unattainable goals than I’ve ever been in my life. I screw it up all the time. I s- I do something dishonest. I do something self-centered.

I come from a place of fear. These things pop up in my life, but I am not at the mercy of them anymore. I can spot it and do something about it ’cause I got the tools that say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, man. That’s not how you live anymore.” And if you want the freedom back, you gotta claim it back.

You gotta claim your freedom on a daily basis. Your freedom is contingent upon the spiritual condition of the day. Your sobriety is contingent upon that. That’s how you must live.

And it’s not like that’s a burden. It’s sometimes it’s uncomfortable, but it’s not nearly as uncomfortable as going into another seizure or waking up in the morning coming out of that last blackout covered in blood and racing to the shower to wash yourself off ’cause you’re horrified that it’s not your blood, and you shower off to see that you’re cut up and thank God it’s yours, and living in the terror of that mo- the moments that went from the bed to the shower.

Those are uncomfortable moments. Getting a phone call that you might have killed somebody, that’s an uncomfortable moment. Standing there drunk really trying to kill somebody is an uncomfortable moment. Finding out that you gotta be honest in your day is nothing, man.

It’s nothing, and the buzz that comes from it is unbelievable. If you’re new, jump in, man. Throw the gloves down, man. Throw the sword down.

Throw the shield down. Just bear it all up and jump into the middle of this shit and swim around in it with us. Think of it like a big bag of dope. Don’t leave till you’ve used it all up.

All of it up. Stay here and catch the buzz ’cause the buzz is real, the buzz is profound, and it’s in these rooms. These look like– These people did not look like this when they got here. This is not what they looked like.

You can trust in the fact that they’re here because they desperately need to be. Because nobody stays here that doesn’t need to be here, and many, many people leave that do need to be here. Unfortunately, it’s not necessarily for people who need it. It’s for the people who want it, want it more than anything else.

If you make this your primary purpose and you step into this game and you do this thing, what can happen is, is that you will find the ramifications of doing that are profound. It will affect every single area of your life. Every single area of your life. If you’re new, please stay.

If you got more time than me, c- thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for showing me the way.

God bless you. Peace. Whoo.