Hi, everybody. My name’s Earl. I’m an alcoholic. Hi.

You all right? All right. God. Um, first, I wanna thank Steve and Don and Ned for, uh, the honor and the privilege of coming down here to speak at an event like this.

It’s always, uh… These are li- these are life-giving events for somebody like me. I mean, I’m just maniacal in my life, and it’s like I get just pulled out of that and thrown on a plane and delivered to paradise once in a while, and it just heals me.

It’s a wonderful experience. And I also wanna thank the speakers that have spoken here so far this week, uh, Clancy and Johnny and, uh, Paul and Tom, who had to take back off again, uh, for their talks. Um, always fed by those guys.

I mean, my opinion is, is that if you can’t hear the message out of those guys, you’re not paying attention. Man, that’s, uh, some powerful stuff. As for me- I started drinking when I was 12 years old. I’m gonna get sober as best as I can.

Um- You can do that now. Um, I started drinking when I was 12 years old. Um, kind of a late start for some of the– according to some of the people from where I’m from. But that was, first time anybody offered me a drink was when I was 12 years old, and I said, “Yeah, I, I’ll take a drink.” I had no idea what that meant.

I mean, I had been… I didn’t know that I had been restless, irritable, and discontented for some years a-already, that I was in desperate need of a drink. Um, I just was a kid that, uh, um, they ran– done a bunch of IQ tests on me, and they determined, determined that I had a very high IQ. I don’t– I’m not bragging, ’cause I don’t have it anymore.

It’s gone. That was, that was gone by 15. That was a thing of the past. I, um…

But I had, uh, um… So they shipped me off to boarding school, um, without informing me that they were gonna do this. I just was deposited in a car, driven for hours. They pulled over, got out of the car.

My father got out of the car. I wondered why no one else was getting out of the car. He put a suitcase down next to me, shook my hand, and said, “This’ll make a man out of you,” got back in the car and drove off. And I was to spend the next four and a half years there.

Um, fact is, I was given an opportunity for a terrific education. The feeling was is that I had just been thrown away by the people who knew me best, and I had no idea why. I mean, it was a devastating moment for me. And I remember I was in a lot of pain, emotional pain, for like three days, which was about as far as I could get.

I just couldn’t be in that kind of pain any longer. And it was as if something broke inside me, and I just said, “You know what? You don’t want me. I don’t want you,” and I turned my back on my family and never looked back.

Um, I stayed there. I, uh, had no tools for living. I mean, how many tools do you need at 12? You know, people tell you when to get up, when to eat, when to study, when to go to school, when to this.

I mean, at this campus, like, you know, 84 bells a day went off, and they all meant something. I mean, this was an unbelievable place. Um, but it was a whole new world for me, and I was the youngest and the smallest kid of 250 young boys from all over the world, and I was, um… It was like Lord of the Flies in this place.

It was a bunch of very bright, very disturbed young men, and they’d scoured the earth for the most disturbed of us- -and thrown us in this campus, and we were just crazy. And, and I needed some tools just to be in this place and deal with these people. And all I remember ever feeling was terrified. And, uh, a first tool I got was violence.

Um, I met– I ran into Tiny. Every high school’s got a guy named Tiny. Tiny’s six four, 240. He plays on the football team.

He found me. I didn’t find him. And he came up to me, slapped me in the back of the head, and said, “How you doing, punk?” And, you know, I mean, I had no, I had no experience that, you know, worked here. So I just walked up and hit him.

And he looked down at me, and he said, “You got a lot of guts,” and beat the crap out of me right there. And I remember thinking as I’m getting this beating that this is going pretty good. This is going well, because the fact is, is I was terrified of this guy, and he had just said, “You got a lot of guts.” So the violence had masked my fear, and I thought just, you know, gotta remember that.

Went back to my room. Word spread across the campus like wild… You know, in 30 minutes, everybody on campus knew, “Watch out for this little high tower kid. He’s a maniac.

He attacked Tiny.” So now I got a reputation that’s got absolutely nothing to do… Just the hole getting deeper, as far as I can tell. I’m 12 years old, sinking into my first real deep depression, sitting in my room. And, uh, the cool guys started coming around.

Matt came by and said, uh, “You want to smoke a joint?” I said, “Well, yeah.” Had no idea what he was talking about. Had no idea what that meant. All I heard was, “We’re going over here. Do you want to come with us?” And I needed to hook up.

As far as I could tell, I was alone in the universe. So I said, “Yeah.” And we, we swung by and picked up Steve, and we went behind the dorm, and Steve had a little container full of, uh, cheap red wine, no grapes involved. Had fortified stuff. And, and Matt lit the joint, took a hit off of it, and handed it to me, and I just did what he did.

And the wine came around, and I took a pull on the wine, and this thing’s going. I have no idea why we’re standing here. You know, I have these two complete strangers, and I’m, you know, ingesting two completely unknown substances. I have no idea.

But, I mean, I– it’s the nature of my life at this point. And all of a sudden, it happened. That part of me that’s bodily different from my fellows kicked in, and suddenly it occurs to me that this could work out.

This wasn’t going nearly as bad as I thought. This could be pretty– And I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know, is it the pot? Is it the wine?

Is it my two best friends, Matt and Steve, that I’m with- -that I feel this close personal bond with suddenly? I don’t know what it is. All I know is, is that I feel better than I’ve ever felt in my life. For the first time, I feel comfortable standing where I’m standing, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with.

I never felt that before. And I thought, you know, at– And I have to remember, there was no downside to this. The, you know, I didn’t, you know, they didn’t pull up a car and take me to jail. I didn’t go to the nuthouse.

These things were happening much later. This was the beginning. There were, there was no downside, no repercussions to doing this, and I thought, I saw no reason not to do this as often as I possibly could. I just felt wonderful.

And I did, every day for the next 16 years, no matter what. Given a good– I was given many good reasons along the way to stop this behavior, and I, I never even touched the brake pedal. You know what I mean? I just kept flying right by.

That’s the difference between me and a problem drinker. You give a problem drinker a good reason to stop, he’ll actually do it. Me, I don’t even slow down. It, it, it doesn’t, that doesn’t affect me.

This is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Nothing has ever made me feel this good. I gotta go with it. I’m willing to pay the price, whatever that price may be.

And the, and the, the degree of the price that I paid increased so gradually that it sort of eased me into the next level. You know what I mean? By the time it got to the point where you’re probably gonna die, you have no friends, you have no family, you have no place to live, I’d had 16 years of easing into that, so when I, by the time I got there, it was like, “Okay.” You know?

I can accept that. But it was a gradual process. Thirteen was pills. Any time…

The only reason I took a pill was because a guy came up to me and said, “Would you like a couple of these?” And I said, “Well, sure. I would.” Took them. Twenty minutes later, I was laying on the ground. I was very happy down there.

And I thought, “This is good. I feel good.” So I took all kind of pills, you know? Fourteen, I started doing psychedelics. Now, I, I gotta qualify at this point that I talk about drugs in my story, but I identify as an alcoholic, and the reason for that is, is that drugs led me to alcohol, and alcohol led me here.

Um, I’m a child of the ’60s, and we were very, very focused on the drugs, because that was what was hip. That was what was fashionable. That was what was cool. That’s what separated us from our parents, which is really what we were all about.

Our parents were the alcoholics, and we weren’t gonna drink ourselves to death like our parents did. We were gonna kill ourselves in a whole new way. Gonna find our own way to destroy our lives. So we were very focused on the drugs, but the fact of the matter is, is that in having done my inventory work and looked back on my life, what I understand is true is this: The drugs would

come and go. Nobody was committed to drugs. The only thing that was on the table every single day was booze. That was the only thing that was always on the table, and the reason for that, in my opinion, is because booze is reliable.

Drugs are extremely unreliable. I mean, there’s no quality control going on out there. You have no idea what you’re getting when you go buy an eight ball of this or, you know, a pound of that or whatever you’re gonna, whatever you’re buying. Everybody’s got the best.

It’s the greatest. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re gonna love it. You’re probably gonna have to have it again.

I mean, it’s just a lie, man. It’s nothing but lies. You never know what you’ve got till you got it in your body, and on occasion, that’s too late . You go get yourself a quart of gin or a fifth of Jack Daniel’s, you’re set.

You can count on what this is gonna do. And so it was the great equalizer. It was the thing that… It was the stabilizer.

It stabilized everything else we were doing. If you didn’t have enough heroin to get you through the night, don’t worry about it. Jack Daniel’s will get you the rest of the way. If you’ve done so much cocaine you can’t get your mouth open anymore, you’re just, “Ugh,” don’t worry.

You suck a little gin through your teeth, you’ll be all right. You’ll loosen up and go on with the party. It’s just the nature of booze. It was my best friend.

Even in the ’60s, even while I focused on drugs, I knew what I could rely on, and it was alcohol, and so it was, alcohol was a daily occurrence for me. Everything else was just what do you got? You know, that was my drug of choice. What do you got?

You know, you go, you know, go up all the way to do a lot of heroin, and they say, “We don’t have any. We have cocaine,” which is the complete opposite direction. And I just, “Fine. It’s still there.

I don’t…” We’ll go up instead of down today. I don’t care. I just gotta get out of right here. Right here is bad.

Right here is uncomfortable. Right here is filled with fear, remorse, anxiety. I gotta get out of here. You want to blast me into the stratosphere?

Fine. You want to down into that… My favorite place is just heart and lungs working. That heart and lungs, nothing else is happening, no emotion, no feeling, nothing going on.

Your heart is beating. You’re breathing air. It’s good. That’s a, that’s a really good place .

And alcohol is the best at that. Alcohol is the best at getting you there. And the beauty of alcohol is blackouts too. Not only do you get to go there, but you get to do absolutely absurd things and have no memory of it whatsoever .

I was always fine with blackouts. If I wasn’t in jail and I wasn’t in the hospital, it went fine. That was my criteria for a good run or a bad run. So anyway, fif- I did about 650 acid trips.

Got classified legally insane by the military. Um, started shooting dope when I was 15, and I wasn’t seeking these things out. I was just running in the appropriate circles. So though I would be at a party, and somebody would say, “Would you like me to screw with you?” And by the way, “Would you like me to stick this in you?” And I said, “Well, yeah, I would.” I had learned that when people asked me these questions, it was always good

to just say yes, ’cause good things happen. So she slammed me with this stuff, and my head hit the table, and all I remember thinking on the way down was just, “Yeah. Oh, yeah. This’ll work.” Just a beautiful new color for the paint box.

That’s what that was. And every day was just about opening the paint box and what colors do we use today? What combination do we put together to kill the fear? ‘Cause that’s all I’m doing here.

I’m not, I’m, it’s, I’m just killing fear. I’m trying to get enough going on inside me, things calmed down enough, evened up enough so that I can get out the door and try and function at all in the world. That’s all I was doing. Um, 16, I started going to the nuthouses.

I dropped out of high school. My father came back into my life, said, “You’ve obviously lost your mind,” threw me in a nuthouse for two months of observation and a year of rehabilitation. I thought that was a little excessive. Um, I started trying to talk my way out of the joint.

I tried to escape. Found out that escape from mental institutions is very difficult when you have a lot of Thorazine in your body . I was shuffling around in there for weeks. You know what I mean?

I finally decided it’s time to make the break, right? I’m, I’m in the dining room having, having lunch with Hilday. Hilday was the best person to have meals with, ’cause Hilday was completely insane, and you could just get her spinning at the drop of a hat. Just, she would just go nuts.

So every meal was like a dinner and a show. We had Hilday. We would eat their meal and watch Hilday lose her mind. So I had my, she was my diversion.

I’d send Hilday spinning off in that direction, and I was gonna bust out at any reason And I’m hauling ass. That’s all I got. That’s– Uh, the arms are working.

I’m trying. And from the– on the loudspeaker from the nurse’s station, you hear, “Uh, Ed, when you got a minute, whenever you want to grab Earl, he’s making a break for the door.” You know? Ed’s over there on the sandwich going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll get him in a minute. Yeah.” No hurry.

It’s at least another twenty minutes to the door for him. Now, most people would give up there. I mean, I just filed that for future reference. I mean, in my life, my tools for living were drugs, alcohol, violence, and running.

And if you’re gonna live my life, you gotta know, you’re gonna get thrown in the nuthouse. You gotta get out before they get the Thorazine in you. You’re leaving when they say. So the next time I got thrown in the nuthouse, I escaped the first day.

I was in the intake interview. I didn’t have a– my room yet. And I’d be, “Oh, yeah, I’m terrible. I’m really ready to change,” and all this rough-around-the-edges stuff.

“Hey, look at that.” And I took off to the place, and the whistles start, and the bells start, and I mean, it’s just pandemonium breaks loose. And I’m– I head out across this lawn to this fence, and I got an intern right on my tail. He’s hoofing it. In fact, he gets, I guess, the points or something if he catches me.

And I’m making it. And I mean, at that– I’m running across the lawn. At that point in my life, I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict.

I’m a, I’m a high school dropout. I’m, at any moment, hopefully, an escaped mental patient. It’s like my resume. This is all I have to say for myself.

And all I’m thinking is, is that if I make that fence, I don’t have any problems. I have no problems if I make that fence ’cause I’ll be drunk in twenty minutes, and that’s all that matters ’cause I drink no matter what. In fact, I hate that thing that they tell newcomers, when they tell newcomers, “Just don’t drink. Just don’t.” Thanks.

You know? Thank you. I feel much better now. You know?

I You know? When the demon strikes in the middle of the night, I’ll just remember that I shouldn’t drink now. It’s like saying, “Just say no” to me. You know what I mean?

It just misses the point completely ’cause I’m the flip side of that. If I could do that, I would, but I can’t. I drink no matter what. You give me a good reason, I just keep right on going.

That’s the difference between me and the pro- problem drinker, gets a drunk driving charge, again, goes before the judge. The judge says, “You know what? I’m sick of you. I see you again, you’re doing a year.

We’re not gonna talk about it. No discussion. You do a year. We’ll see you again.

We’ll talk then.” Problem drinker’s thinking, “I don’t wanna go to jail.” Actually stops drinking and driving. Me, I start wondering what it’s gonna be like in jail ’cause I’m going. I know I’m going. I’m gonna get another one.

I’m– I appreciate the information. Thank you for your help. I’ll work that into the schedule. Get up, have breakfast, go to jail for a year.

So anyway, sixteen, I, I got out of the nu– I escaped from the nuthouse. I spent three years out on the street doing what you do to stay loaded on a daily basis. No big mystery. Not a friendly place.

But I was committed. I was clear of purpose. What I do is I drink, and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to keep that going ’cause I can’t function in a world without it. I can’t be.

I’m too afraid. I can’t measure up. I compare my insides to your outsides, and I lose every time. I’m just too frightened a person to be out in the world doing the thing.

I’m always just amazed. Even when I was a kid in school and I would walk into a classroom, before I ever took a drink, and I would see people talking to each other in the classroom before the class started. I’d just be saying, “How, how do they do that? How do they do that?” I was self-centered and afraid at birth probably.

I don’t know. I mean, it just– I was always that way. I don’t remember ever being any other way. Um, did three years out on the street, turned nineteen, met a woman at a party.

We talked for twenty minutes. It went pretty well, so we were in love. And we decided that, you know, we didn’t really have this kind of Ozzie and Harriett thing going. You know what I mean?

We didn’t see ourselves hooking up. I was a maniac, and, uh, she found that attractive. So we were a real pair, and we decided that we had to do something about our lives. So I went– I heard that they were doing interviews for a business college in Northern California.

Steve and I are alumni of that institution of higher learning. And, and so I went on this interview. I mean, I’m a high school dropout. You know, I have no high school diploma.

I’m on a college interview suddenly, and I’m the guy where he was a musician, so I was a musician. His favorite color was blue. You know, that’s remarkable. My favorite color is blue.

I just lined up with this guy, and an hour and a half later, he said, “You will be a fantastic addition to our campus in the fall.” Great. I’m in college now. I went back to see my father. I said, “Look, I just got accepted to business college.

Don’t ask. Do you want me to check for the tuition for a year? I’m leaving town.” To which he replied, “Beautiful.” So I gave him the check, and me and this woman piled all our belongings in a pound and a half and got in the back, in this truck and went to Northern California to higher learning, and I started studying marketing and production and distribution.

I immediately became a drug dealer and was applying these concepts to my business. Business was booming. She got a straight job. Um, she started saying things to me like, um, “I’m too high,” which makes no sense to me at all.

I mean, you can say that. It’s not true. You know, and so I was wanting to tone it down. I knew this woman’s gotta go.

So we shipped her back to LA, and I was just finishing things in the way I wanted to, which was from when I came through in the morning till, like, half past that at night. I was going to college. I had this business was booming, and I had… And, you know, I look back on it.

I realize I was just this person adrift in the world. I had no sense of family, no sense of community, no connection to any other outside person or group or organization or anything. I was just adrift out there, and everybody around me was around me as a result of the things that we were trafficking in. I mean, that was pretty much why everybody was around.

Uh, and I knew then if this dries up, all these people are gone. They’ll just shift to the next connection. Um, but it was the best I could do. It was the best I had.

And when I was twenty, I got diagnosed I had malignant cancer, and I flew back to LA, and I had major surgery on my upper back, and they, uh, put me in the nuclear medicine program, and they told me I was probably gonna die, and they told my family I was gonna die. And I just remember thinking, “These people don’t even know who you’re talking to.” You know, that comes up, like, twice a week for me, the way I’m using. I mean, I was using hammer and tong at that point.

Lot of– I was starting to overdose, starting to take the ambien- Once I started to get the stomach pump every now and then, it was getting– it was heating up. Um, so they did the surgery and they put me in the nuclear medicine program, and I didn’t like the drugs they had that they were shooting me up with, so I just stopped and went back to my house and got loaded the way I get loaded. And I beat the cancer thing.

Basically, I believe because I was so toxic at that point, cancer could not live in my body. I had– I was so– I was more diseased than cancer. It was, cancer just, “No, go somewhere else.” And I went, um, went back up to school, and I was a junior in college. I was editor-in-chief of my college newspaper.

You know, I had an early acceptance to go to USC Law School. I’d lined it all up pretty good. You know what I mean? I was on– I, I was in communication with my mother, who was this, this dear, dear woman, um, and had always remained very close to my little sister, Kimberly, who was fifteen

months younger than me. And she wasn’t– she didn’t really belong to my parents. Kimberly was mine. I was her big brother, and it was the pride of my life that I was Kimberly’s big brother, and she was very proud of me, and it, it was really, um, the greatest example of unconditional

love I, I’ve ever experienced in my life, the way she loved me, because I was a mean act. I was causing problems in every direction, and she just loved me. I was her big brother, and when she had problems, she brought them to me. Um, and she didn’t take them to our parents.

She came to me. And we went– And she had, had started to attend this college with me as well. I’d gone to school up north, and when she graduated from high school, she came up to the same school, and we were up there together. And it made me feel wonderful that this little girl looked up to me.

It was, uh, the pride of my life, this little sister of mine, Kimberly. And, um, when I was twenty-one, almost twenty-two, my mother called me and said, “Look, we haven’t been anywhere as a family in ten years,” to which I replied something to the effect of, “Yeah.” You know, and she started to cry and said, “Look, we need to go somewhere as a family. We’ll go anywhere you want to go.

Let’s go somewhere for your birthday.” I said, “All right.” So I flew back to, uh, Los Angeles on November the, the night of November sixth, nineteen seventy-four, um, used all night long, showed up at six AM on November seventh, nineteen seventy-four, my twenty-second birthday, and, um, unable to get my mouth open, just locked down, and piled in the car, went down to the airport, got on my father’s plane, and took off to fly to Guadalajara, come down here to Mexico. And on the way here, the plane crashed, and my mother, my father, and my little sister all were all killed.

And I wasn’t. And I woke up on a mountain, uh, about two hundred and fifty miles from here in Los Mochis, Mexico, and my skull was fractured, my back was broken in three places, and I’m paralyzed from the waist down, and my leg was– The only thing I could move was my right arm. I was just torn to bits.

And I was awake, and I laid there, and I watched them all bleed to death in front of me. And, uh, I quit. I quit. It’s kind of weird to talk about this today because I’m so close, you know?

The only– The only people I’ll ever come to Mexico with are Steve, Guy, and Annette because, because I feel safe with them. I had never been here. I had never come back to Mexico until I started doing these trips with Steve and Guy and Annette. Um, anyway, um, I pretty much quit the game.

I mean, a few hours later, some guys came up and scavenged the plane wreck and, uh, took the money out of my wallet and took whatever else they needed and left the mountain and left me up there to die. So I had no use for you anymore. I had no use for people. And I had no use for a God that would take somebody like my little sister and leave a lying, cheating, thieving, dope-fiend alcoholic like me on the planet.

I mean, it just made no sense to me at all. I wanted no part of it. And I quietly on that mountain renounced God, renounced my fellow man, and just said, “I’m going to get down off this mountain, and I’m gonna, I’m gonna play it the way I want to play it. The, the need for pretense is gone.

I’m going to drink and use the way I want to drink and use, and if you don’t like what I’m doing, get out of the way because nobody’s stopping me from doing what I want.” The governor was off. And I just, I kept, I kept banging myself in the side because it hurt so bad and kept the– ’cause I was shocking out, and I knew I was going to die. And they finally came up and got me, and they took me in a flatbed truck down to a Red Cross, Mexican Red Cross station, tagged my right toe and waited for me to die. And I didn’t.

So they finally took me to the hospital and kept me under, uh… I was under guard by the Federales for three and a half, four and a half days. I don’t really remember. Um, and with an interpreter, and they interrogated me, uh, due to when– They wanted to know why I was back in Mexico.

It’s a totally unrelated matter we don’t need to get into now. And I, uh, I finally got out of there, and I got back up to Southern California and spent a lot of time in the hospital. And I got out of there horribly addicted to Demerol. I’d been on maximum doses of Demerol every three hours around the clock.

And because I had a story here that I could really work, I was getting everything I wanted in the hospital. They weren’t holding back anything. They just gave me whatever I wanted. “Poor boy.

Poor boy, what have you been through?” You know? And I worked that for years. I mean, I was the kind of guy, man, if I was in your house drinking your wine and drinking your gin and snorting your cocaine and grinding my cigarettes out on your carpet and just being a complete madman, and you came up to me and said, “You know what, man?

You’re using– You’re out of line. You need to ease it back a notch,” I could– I, I’d pull it out on you. I’d say anything to anybody. I’d say, “Look at this.

You got cancer. You got cancer? I’m feeling– I’m under a lot of stress here.” You know, and they’d just say, “Here’s another,” and I’d be like, “Fine, give him another drink. Fine.” They’d just walk away.

And if the cancer didn’t work on you, I’d say, “I got this dead family. See this dead family? Got a lot of pain inside me. I’m trying to medicate the pain.

So you got a dead family? You’ve been through anything like this?” Now, that pretty much covered ninety-nine point nine percent of the people I ran into. Which point they’d say, “Give him another drink.” I mean… And that’s a very sick thing to say to another human being, and if you think that’s sick, you’re getting the point.

I have this disease. It’s called alcoholism. I will say or do whatever is necessary. If you start to cut me off, you frighten me.

When you frighten me, you activate all my defects of character, and I will say or do whatever is necessary to get you out of the way, so I can get back to the bar. And that’s what I was willing to do, and I had– There was nothing sacred as far as I was concerned. So I got out of that hospital, and I got a lot of money from the plane crash, and I went on my last run, and it lasted for four and a half years. And I drew a sober breath on three separate occasions during that four and a half years.

They were for seventy-two hours each, and it was because I was strapped to a table They would strap me down, shoot me full of anticonvulsants in this little pseudo-sanitarium in Hollywood where you give them $150 cash up front. I mean, these places are like, I mean, highly illegal joints, right? You go in and you give them your bottle of Valium and your car keys and your wallet and your gun and your $150 cash.

They take you into a room, strap you down, shoot you full of anticonvulsants, hang an IV on you and let you ride. And 72 hours later, they either send you to the morgue or send you home. And you’d lay in there screaming and hallucinating and just going through it and saying, you know, reintroducing yourself to God. God, it’s me again.

I know it’s been a while, but I seem to be losing my mind. And I’m very, very uncomfortable here. You know, I haven’t had a muscle relax in about 34 hours now. If you get me out of this standing alive, I swear to you I will never, ever, ever touch a drop of alcohol again as long as I live.

And I mean it with every fiber of my being. I mean it with every fiber of my being. And when that 72 hours is over, I go back to that nurse’s station and she’d give me back my stuff and my Valium and my wallet and car keys. And she’d say, now you be a good boy and don’t drink, Earl.

And I’d say, no, ma’am. I know when I’m licked. I can’t do this anymore, man. The party is over.

And I’d go out in the car and on the way to the car, I’d take about 30, 40 milligrams of Valium because I was shaking. And you shouldn’t drive when you’re shaking. And I’d get that Valium in me and I’d be driving home. And the next thing you know, I’d wake up in Oakland.

It’d be four days later and I’d be in Oakland. And I was driving down the freeway. It happened. I was driving down the freeway in a car with four other people.

I have no idea who they are. Big roll of money in my pocket. I have no idea where that came from. Crazy.

Thinking, how did that happen? I had no idea how it happened. The thing was is that I knew I was an alcoholic. I’d known that for a long time now.

So what? That’s who I am. Knowing that I was an alcoholic meant nothing to me. That was just the name I put on the life I was living.

I was very comfortable with anybody saying to me, that guy’s a hopeless alcoholic. Fine. I’m doing this till I die anyway. What’s the problem?

You know, just stay out of my way. You don’t like what I’m doing? Get out of the way. So that went for four and a half years.

By the time that four and a half years was up, I had, my family was dead. I had no friends left. I had one guy left on the face of the planet who would talk to me. He would meet me at a park.

He would not let me come to his house anymore. His name was Albert Davies, and I still talk to him occasionally. He’s a good friend. Not one of us.

I had no money. I had no place to live. I was 215 pounds. I was bright yellow.

I was dying of alcoholism, literally. And I had two physicians independent of one another. I kept going to them and saying, I feel really bad. And they kept saying, well, you’re an alcoholic.

And if you don’t stop drinking, you’re going to die, and you’re going to do it soon. Systems in your body are starting to shut down, Earl. You’ve got to stop. We need to put you in the hospital now.

And I’d say, no, no, no, no, no. And I’d just go on about my way. I had about, I had between 600, 700 stitches in me at that point. I’d been stabbed a couple of times, shot at.

I’d broken 75 bones. I mean, I had just burned it to the ground. No money, no friends, no family, no place to live. Very little grasp of reality.

I mean, I couldn’t distinguish between fantasy and reality. I’d come to, and I didn’t know if I thought it, somebody told it to me, if I dreamt that, if I saw it on TV. I just didn’t know. It was all becoming real blurry for me.

And I came out of my last blackout and had a moment of clarity. And I was sitting on the edge of a bed with about six half-gallon wine, white wine bottles in front of me. I’m not a wine drinker. And they were all there, and they were empty.

And I had that wine hangover working where every fiber of my being was screaming at me. Both my hands were broken, and we were being evicted because apparently I had attempted to murder the landlord or something. And I just threw up my broken paws and hair out like this and a beard out like this, and I was psychotic. And I just said, help.

I mean, the moment of clarity was I was completely alone in the world. And it wasn’t the knowing that that broke me. It was the feeling. I felt that aloneness for the first time.

It was, I couldn’t get enough booze in me to stop that feeling from just driving through me like a spike. And I just said, help. And they took me to the, by an ambulance to an emergency room. They pumped my stomach, and they said, get him out of here.

He’s going to die. I was just a pathetic drunk, a waste of a human being to them. That’s where I was. And they took me to another place, and they kept me for five more days.

And they said, he’s getting worse. Get him out of here. And they took me by ambulance down to Long Beach General Hospital under the care of a woman by the name of Dr. Vicky Fox.

And she was a piece of work, man. I did 12 more days of detox there and then 30 days of rehab on a free bed because I was just a broken alcoholic. And she took a cotton to me because I was the one that would sit in my chair and hold on to my chair and try not to throw another seizure. I mean, that’s what my detox was, was just don’t seize again.

And I was sitting in this chair, and I was holding on to my chair, and I would just sit and hold on to my chair until they’d take me and put me back in a bed. And they’d do what they’d do, and then they’d bring me back out and see how long I could sit in this chair without flipping out onto the floor. And she came walking in the room. It was the first time I ever saw her.

She had a, she was a something, man. She was this woman from Georgia, and she had this hair piled up on her head with a pencil stuck in it and glasses on a chain around her neck. And she always wore this sweater and a big stack of files under her arm at all times. And she had a cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth that never left there.

She’d light it and smoke it. She’d never take it out, just leave it right there. So she always had ashes on the files and on her sweater. And she was the kind of person when she’d walk into the room, and there’d be like 30 of us.

You know what I mean? You know, you’d have like 20 guys fresh out of jail, 10, you know, eight, nine guys off the street, you know, plus me. You know? And she’d walk in the room, and everybody would just… She’d walk in, and she walked into the room, and she looked around, and she took a beat on me, man.

And I stopped breathing. And she, and she walked right over to me, and she reached down, and she patted me on the cheek, and she said, “Baby, you really do need to be here.” And she turned around and walked away. And I just went, “Yeah, yeah.” And I mean, there was something about that moment where there was nothing to discuss. You need to be here.

Pay attention.” And I did, and I had a counselor, guy named Ray W., who had like eight years at the time, and he got one thing through my head. I mean, it was just… I was crazy, and it was, it was, “If you, if you drink, you’ll die, and if you don’t wanna drink, you better go to AA.” So through a… When I got out of there, through a series of weird circumstances, I ended up in a meeting of Alcoholics.

I did not immediately get it and go directly to AA. I didn’t get it. I can’t… I-it had never crossed my path.

I came to AA to meet a woman. With all, with all that information, I came to AA to meet a woman. I had met this woman, and she says, “Yeah, let’s hook up, but, uh, I go to these meetings. Why don’t you meet me there, and we’ll have a cup of coffee afterwards?” I said, “Cool.” So I showed up to the back of an AA meeting on a Friday night, and I sat in the back with my arms folded, with the toughest, meanest look I could muster,

which is pretty funny ’cause I’m not a tough guy. Never have been and never will be. What I’ve been is very frightened and extremely violent. That’s all I am.

Never been a tough guy. I’m sitting in the back, and all the guys with some time, they knew who I was. They knew that I was, uh, dangerous only because I was so frightened. And they said from across the room, “Glad you’re here, buddy.

Coffee’s right over there. Get yourself a cup. We’ll be starting the meeting pretty soon.” You know, I just nod and go over, get my cup of coffee, and shaking, terrified, sitting in the back. But every meeting’s got a new guy, you know, with six or nine months who just caught fire with AA and gonna give it away tonight.

And all he saw was new guy, so he came flying across the room at me with his hand out. And I just remember feeling so helpless, just… I mean, the truth for me is, is that I couldn’t have come to Alcoholics Anonymous any other way than just destroyed. No other way.

If I’d had any place else left to go, I’d have gone there. I’d have never let that guy get across the room to me ’cause I didn’t know how to deal with human beings. I didn’t have any idea. I’d been underground my whole life.

I didn’t get it. I didn’t know how to do the simplest stuff, and I figured the person who knew me best in the world was my father, and he threw me away. Why would you wanna keep me? So I gotta just shut up and be here.

I can’t let anybody know who I am or what’s going on inside me ’cause you’ll throw me away, and I got nowhere to go. So I was sat in the back, and this guy came up, and he’s… Big smile on his face. I hated that.

Smiling. “Hi, I’m Vegas. I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what?” “Me too, pal, and it ain’t exactly the highlight of my life. I don’t know what you’re so thrilled about.

Get away from me.” And he looked at me, he said, “Keep coming back.” “Hey, thanks. That’ll help about 3:00 AM when I’m losing my mind one more time. I’ll remember to keep coming back.” I’m sitting there thinking, “This isn’t gonna work. This is stupid.

It’s stupid. These people have no idea sitting in here with them. If they ever knew h- some of the things I’d done, they’d, they’d call the police.” I just… I was so filled with shame of who I was, and the meeting started, and I…

You know, things were happening, and I had no idea what was going on, and all of a sudden there was this old guy up at the podium. Skid row bum, wino, ex-boxer. And then I remembered it was like it drilled into me. And I thought, “I’m none of those things.

Guy doesn’t know about me.” Well, first of all, if you’re five years older or five years younger than me, you don’t know about me. You come up in another thing. You Black, Hispanic, gay, a woman. You don’t know about me.

You come up in something else. Not better or worse, just different. You don’t know about me. I spot the differences between me and you like that, man.

I can pick it up immediately. Talk to me for 10 seconds, I’ll spot something. “Oh, I don’t like the look of you.” I got so good at that out there by the t… I got the wagons circled so tight by the time I got here, if you’re not Earl, you don’t understand.

You, you’re… You were dealing something else. And now I got this boxer, skid row bum, wino, 65-year-old guy up there. What’s the point of this, right?

But I had nowhere to go, so I just sat there, and he changed it for me. He gave me something I hadn’t had in years. He stood up there, and he talked openly and honestly about his feelings as a man. He did it with dignity.

He did it with self-respect. He talked about how there were days when he’d wake up, and his head was chewing him to pieces, and while his head was doing that, he would get up, he would get dressed, he would drive to work, he would be there on time. He’d give them an honest day’s labor for an honest day’s wage. He would then get himself something to eat.

He would go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, not to see what they had to give him tonight, but to see what he could do for the people that were at that meeting, the new people. He would go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous to give away what had freely been given to him. It could be of service. And then he would go home, he would get in bed, and he’d finish his day.

No wreckage. And I thought, “That’s amazing.” I had never done that in my life, anything even remotely like that. And then it was like he looked right at me and he said, “You know what? I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not.

You don’t like it? Go to another meeting.” I loved it. I loved it because it made it real clear to me he’s not selling me anything. He’s sharing it with me.

If I want it, I can have it. It’s mine. Take it. If I don’t need it, go to another meeting.

I’m sure they’ll have something there for you. I thought, “This place is cool. I’m coming back.” And I left there with something I hadn’t had in years. I left with a little bit of hope.

I had a little bit of hope ’cause I’m a hopeless alcoholic. I came here with none. None. Hadn’t had any for years.

Uh, and this guy gave it to me, and I thought, “This is cool. I’m gonna go back next Friday night, and I’m gonna hear that guy talk again.” ‘Cause I didn’t know. I thought that meeting, that was the guy that spoke at that meeting, and you would go there, and that guy would talk, and you would listen to him, and I thought he was great. So I went back to the meeting, and this lady was talking.

I thought, “What the hell’s going on? Is something wrong with the guy?” “Thought he must be sick. They got a lady talking.” And she’s talking, and I started listening, you know, eavesdropping. I was burglarizing conversations everywhere I went.

I just eavesdropping in to hear what they were talking about, and they were talking all kinds of nonsense. They were talking one day at a time, keep coming back, turn it over. Meant nothing to me. I hated that stuff ’cause it made me feel separate and apart from.

It made me feel less than. I thought, “Uh, they all understand the deep spiritual significance of one day at a time, keep coming back, turn it over.” No idea what these people are talking about. And they had a way of telling it to me that made it clear that, “This is deep. Pay attention.

Turn it over.” “What the hell is that? I feel like a to-total loser now.” All right. If you’re new and people whipping that AA things on you, you know what I mean? Just step up to the plate.

Just as a yes, next time somebody says to you, “Hey, keep coming back, buddy,” say, “Excuse me. I don’t understand the deep spiritual significance of keep coming back. Would you mind, uh, expanding on that for me a little bit?” “Well, from my- If they’re honest, about 75 or 80% of them would say, “You know what?

I don’t really know what it means either. You know, they said it to me when I came in. I’m just saying it to you. You know what I mean?

There’s a guy over there that reads the big book. Why don’t we go ask him? Maybe he’ll know.” Just my opinion. So I started going to meetings, and I heard what they said, and they started talking.

I mean, they were very good to me. They were very good to me ’cause I was– I wouldn’t let anybody near me, wouldn’t let anybody touch me. I was like a shadow guy. “I wanted to go with you, but don’t touch me.

Don’t talk to me. Just let me be there. That’s all I can do.” And they let me. I mean, I was the guy that would come with you and, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, all right.” And I had to keep my distance ’cause I was afraid.

It was six and a half years before anybody knew where I lived in AA. I just wasn’t hooking up. I didn’t open my mouth in AA for two and a half years. I didn’t take a chip.

Never took a chip. Didn’t take the cake until I was three years sober. Never said a word till two and a half, and the only reason I did it, my sponsor told me, “You’re gonna share or you’re gonna drink, and you’re the first speaker here next Saturday night.” I said, “All right.” And I did it ’cause, I mean, that’s, he knew how to talk to me. Any time I’d take exception to something he’d say, he’d say, “Fine, then drink.” You know, there’s no talking to these people.

You know what I mean? You don’t have a discussion with your sponsor. He just goes right to the drink thing. There’s no talking to him, so I would do it.

I would do it. And all– next thing I know, I had a spon– I had a vicious sponsor. The man was vicious. He would just yell at me.

He never talked to me, he just yelled. And little did I realize it was good because it was so loud in my head, I couldn’t even heard him unless he yelled. I mean, there was one night we were at a house meeting on a Saturday night, and he was the secretary of the meeting. The late, great Donald Madden saved my life.

The man– I, God’s been back in my life as a result of Donald Madden. Donald Madden was the messenger there. I came to believe that Alcoholics Anonymous was something that I could be in and I could participate in as a result of the message that Donald Madden brought to me, as a result of the example that Donald Madden brought to me in my life.

He saved my life. I trusted no other human being in the first year but that one man for two and a half years, and he rebuilt me from the ground up. Can you see? I remember one night I had this cleanup commitment in the high school.

I was two and a half years sober. And I was standing in the back of the meeting. I was just caving in. It was one of those days, you know?

Just standing back there, just caving in. “I’m no good. I’ll never be any good. This is never gonna work.

I’m never gonna make it. I’m an …” And the speaker was up speaking, and Donald saw me, and he got up, and he walked up to the front of the meeting, and he interrupted the speaker, and the speaker stepped aside, and he got up to the podium, and he went, “Earl!” And I just– In the back of the meeting. And he said, “We’re having a meeting.” And, “God, he’s right.

We’re having a meeting.” And he just brought the speaker back and went back to his seat. I mean, and nobody knew who I was. I mean, all through the meeting was like, “Who the hell is Earl? What’s going on?” I’d been there for two and a half years.

He knew who he was dealing with. I mean, he was an amazing man. And I did everything that guy told me to do. Everything.

I bit, I kicked, I screamed, and I did it. ‘Cause he told me, “You don’t have to like what I tell you, and you don’t have to think it’s a good idea. You just have to do it.” So I’d voice my displeasure, and then I would do what he said to do. And my life started to change.

And things got better and better and better and better. And then it got a little crazy for me again, ’cause all of a sudden, I got a car that other people are willing to get in. I have an apartment that you could actually say, you know, “Would you like to come over to my house and have a cup of coffee?” I could actually do that. You know, I had clothes that, you know, pretty well matched up.

I knew the rent was gonna get paid on time. A job had turned into a career. It was very– a little public relations thing was going. I was, you know, the gi– the gab was paying off.

You know what I mean? I was starting to speak a little bit, and I was being in AA. I was sponsoring some guys, talking to my sponsor on a daily basis, going to seven or nine meetings a week, taking out a couple of panels. Never turning down an AA request.

Man, I was in the game. And I started losing it. And I went up to this old-timer, and I said, “What’s the deal, man? I don’t get it.” He said, “Earl!

Saw you come in. You don’t get a program, you’re gonna die. Go away.” “What the hell are you talking about? Seven or nine meetings a week.

Got a sponsor,” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. “What do you mean?” “Earl, it’s a fellowship, vitality recovery. The program, however, is in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you don’t get involved with the program, you’re gonna die.

Go away.” “All right, you old bastard. I’ll get a program.” Me and my buddy got the book, and we started going through the book, reading the book, reading the book, reading the big book. I was stunned. “Who knew?

Who knew?” Remarkable book. Talks all about me. Every page I was going, “Well, yeah. I, I identify with that.

That’s right.” Read the doctor’s opinion. Found out, says to the mind, the allergy to the body. Ah, spiritual malady re– manifesting itself in a physical and an emotional manner. “I, oh, oh, yeah.

That’s exactly what seems to be going on here.” First eight pages of Bill’s Story, “Wow. I, I relate completely with this guy. I mean, he’s just, he’s just overshot the mark by so far it’s unbelievable, and I’m relating to him.” And I, I was in. I was in.

Some emotional sobriety started to go along with the physical sobriety that I was experiencing, and I started to feel better. And I just did the things it said in the book. I mean, in that little circle where the triangle came into play, that ancient spiritual symbol stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. And therein lies the balance that I had always sought and never had, drunk or sober.

And never, I didn’t have it sober either. Just a maniac running from meeting to meeting to meeting and running around. You know what I mean? There was nothing– I mean, I had– the inner work had not been done.

Yeah, some stuff had rubbed off. Yeah, some understanding had come. But, but that, that grassroots, gut-level commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous and the spiritual path that’s discussed in that book had not taken hold in me yet, and I was the kind of guy that was gonna get it or die.

So I jumped in. First step of the triangle was unity. That’s the body. Unity, recovery, and service.

Mind, body, and spirit. Unity is the body. Bring it here. I can’t get sober, but we can.

I have to be with you. If I’m out there deciding on my own what’s a good idea, a bad idea, I’m doomed. I got sixteen years of experience that said that’s not gonna work. I’d gotten two things right in my entire life.

One was to drink. For somebody like me to drink was an excellent idea. The only other thing I ever got right was that I made a decision to take the advice of someone else over my best thinking. That was a great idea, and I had continued to do that with Donald.

So I brought– I was in meetings all the time. The recovery is the gr– um, the mind is the greater aspect of my disease, ’cause for me, at that point, it’s not about stopping drinking, it’s about not starting again. How do I not start again? How do I relieve myself of the obsession to drink?

How do I quiet that voice in my head that says, “A couple of drinks won’t hurt you. A couple of drinks could be a good idea”? And that popped up every now and again, to my amazement. So I worked the steps.

That’s what the recovery of the mind is about. The steps are designed to bring about a whole new state of mind for me, to relieve me of the obsession to drink. A spiritual awakening is what that’s gonna take. So I did the steps.

Step one is what’s the problem? Lack of power. It’s my dilemma. I’m powerless over this thing.

Left to my own devices, I’ll drink and I’ll die. Gotta get a power greater than me. That’s gonna have to be the solution. Where’s that?

Step two, can I come to believe that a power greater than me could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink? Yeah, I’ll go for that. Then get down on your knees and do the third step. Turn your will and your life over to the care of that God.

Okay. Got down, did it. Got back up, they said, “You gotta do this action plan, or that’s never gonna happen.” Okay, fourth through nine. Did an inventory, read it to another individual in five, hooked it back up with God in six and seven, hooked it back up with you in eight and nine.

And then I had ten, eleven, and twelve to keep me in the game. Nobody else to play with. Ten, me. Eleven, God.

Twelve, you. Ten, I keep my side of the street clean, and when I’m wrong, I admit it. Now, if I’m busy watching my side of the street, there’s so much going on over here, I got no time to be getting on your side of the street and get in your business, which is where I belong, on my side of the street. I belong over there.

If you catch me over there, send me home. You have my permission. Eleven is I seek God. It’s an action step.

How do I seek Him? Through prayer and meditation. What do I pray for? Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out through making deals.

I’m not cutting deals anymore. I’m asking for direction, how to car– how do I carry this out? And I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. And the twelfth step is the third side of the triangle, service.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, that was the whole point, the obsession’s removed, I can practice these principles and carry the message. It’s service. How can I help? It’s not ’cause I’m a good guy.

It’s because I wanna stay sober, ’cause I don’t wanna drink and die. I don’t wanna dance with the beast anymore. I don’t, I don’t wanna go back into the pit. I like it here.

I like it here. I’m having a very good time. So I got the whole thing working, and I try to do a little bit of each side of th-that triangle every day. Every day is like a little lifetime for me.

Every day I get to have a new life. Every day I get to get out and experience the buzz that’s available for me, and believe me, the buzz is big. My perspective changes on a daily basis. My life gets broader and broader and more full with every single day.

It’s, it’s a long process. I mean, I heard a guy one day say, “You know what?” And I agree with him completely. Basically, what he said is, “You know what I mean? I’ve had some lousy days sober.

I’ve had some down in the dirt, drooling on myself, miserable, low-life, ugly days sober, but I’ve had fifteen and a half wonderful years.” And that’s how I, that’s how I feel about it. I agree with that guy completely. That’s what it’s been like for me.

I have a, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams, and the perspective I’m given allows me to be able to be of service to other people, particularly other men in Alcoholics Anonymous. And for a guy like me, I never had a, any purpose in my life. I never had a sense of community, and I have that now. I never had a sense of family, and I have that now.

All the things that I knew, a, a, just a, a little fiend, living like an animal kind of guy, all the things that other people had could never happen in my life, and they’re here. And they’re not here because of my best thinking or my hard work. They’re here because of the principles and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that there are people that have gone before me who have been willing to turn around and extend a hand to me and say to me, “You know what, Earl? Based on my experience, I think this is a pretty good idea for you.” I, I– to this day, I take direction from men in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I don’t understand at all.

I don’t understand what they’re talking about, but that’s not necessary anymore for me. I, I, that, that, that level of egotism isn’t there for me anymore. It used to be if I didn’t know what was going on, something is wrong. That’s a very egotistical point of view.

Now it’s like, you know what? I have no idea what’s going on, and everything could be fine. It just means I don’t know what’s going on, and I feel pretty used to it now, not knowing what’s going on. Happens a lot.

And that’s fine, you know? Um, when I’m helping other guys in the program, when I’m being of service to them, the real gift is mine, and I’ve come to understand that, that what that does is that allows me to stay sober, but the perspective has changed as well. I mean, I need to remember what I was like when I was new and afford the guy who’s coming up who’s new with me the right to be new.

I forget. I mean, I’m fifteen years now, and, and I’ll be sponsoring Dave, and Dave’s got, you know, ninety days, and Dave was a low bottom alcoholic. He’s got ninety days. He’s just stopped shaking.

He’s just now starting to sleep. He’s keeping his food down pretty well. You know, he’s pretty excited about being in AA. And I’ll hear that some guy’s speaking that I just love, and I’ll get ahold of Dave and I’ll say, “Dave, we’re gonna go hear Lou talk.

Every time Lou opens his mouth, it’s a spiritual pearl just fly out of this guy’s mouth. We’re going, and you’re gonna love this.” And I’m thinking as we’re driving to the meeting, “Isn’t it great that Dave is gonna be exposed to this at ninety days?” You know? And it took me twelve years to really catch on to what Lou was talking about. So we’ll go to the meeting, we’ll sit there, and sure enough, Lou is ripping tonight.

Lou– it’s just flying out of Lou. It is amazing. I’m, yeah, I’m healing sitting there. It’s just, it’s, you know?

God’s in the room. Everybody knows it. This is one of those nights. And I’m looking down at L– at Ed, and at Dave, and Dave’s going, “Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.” I’m thinking in this w– what, what I have to remember is Dave is not at the same meeting I’m at. Dave’s having a completely different meeting. And I have to remember and, and, and allow that for Dave, that Dave’s having a different meeting.

I remember me when I was new, showing up at Ohio Street, going to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was not a pretty picture, and the inside was fundamentally different than what was happening on the outside. I’d get dressed, and I’d comb my hair, and I’d get ready, and I’d get in my car, and I’d get down there, and I’d park across the street from Ohio Street because sometimes you could get blocked in in the parking lot on Ohio Street. You can’t– That can’t happen .

If I get blocked in, I snap. ‘Cause my escape route has been blocked, and it’s gotta always be there. I can’t have that happen. So I park across the street, and I’d be moving towards the door, door, and I’d be, “Okay, I’m here, I’m here.

I’m, I’m, I’m… Ohio Street. Got it, got it again. Good, good.

Got it again. Good. Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it. Guy with the red coat.

Red coat. Okay, that’s next. The guy with the red coat. Spot the guy with the red coat.

No one sees it. Good, good, good, good. The bell rings. The bell rings.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, sit down. Good, good, good. Sit down.

Good. Thanks, thanks. Guy, guy, guy’s talking, talking. I don’t know.

I missed that. I missed that. I’m sorry. I missed that.

He’s down. Now the guy, he’s up, he’s up.” “He’s got the– He’s reading something. He’s reading… Chapter five.

Chapter five must be important. Like, it’s probably in that book they got, that blue book. Chapter five.” “It’s, it’s very… Oh, oh, he’s railing against something.

He’s railing against something. He’s railing… I missed that. I missed that.” “Jeez, kind of like I’m conscious.

I don’t know.” “He’s– 12 Things. He’s reading 12 Things. They got 12 Things in Alcoholics Anonymous. 12 Things.

I missed some of those 12. I’ll find out about the 12 Things. I’ll find out about the 12 Things.” “The guy went sitting down. He’s down, he’s down.

I missed that whole thing too. Okay, remember, 12 Things, 12 Things, 12 Things. Here comes a- another guy, another guy’s reading. Chapter, chapter three.

Three, three. How come they read five and then three? How come– Why don’t they read three, then five? I don’t understand.” “I don’t get it.

I missed that. He’s down, he’s down. I don’t want to… Oh, God, this is strange, strange.

Here’s a guy. He’s got– Oh, this guy drank. He drank, he drank. I did that.

I did that. That’s good. That’s good. That’s good.

He’s down.” “I– It was fast. It was very fast. He was up. He was down.

I missed a lot of that, but he drank. This is good. It’s a drinking thing. He’s drinking.

I’m not– I drank. I, I’m, uh, we’re up. We’re– Where are we going? We’re going– We’re smoking.

I, I smoke. We’re smoking. We’re smoking.” “And we smoke, smoke. It’s good.

It’s good. Okay, there’s a bell again. The bell went out. Guy’s sitting down.

Guy’s sitting down. Where’s the guy with the red coat? Where’s the guy with the red coat? Red coat!

Where’s the guy with the red coat? Oh, the red coat’s down. Down. Good.

Okay, they’re reading, they’re reading 12 Things. They smoked. They’re reading 12 Things. He smoked.

Now I get the 12 Things. Okay, they got 24 things in Alcoholics Anonymous.” “24 things in Alcoholics Anonymous. I kind of remember that. I remember that.

He’s down, he’s down. I didn’t get any of that either. I don’t know what I mean. There’s another guy.

He’s talking, he’s talking. Ah, ah, ah. This guy drank. He drank.

I did that. I did that. I did that. I felt like that.

I felt like that. That guy knows how I feel. That guy knows how I feel. That guy did that.

This is good. This is very, very good. This is very, very good. He’s down.

He’s down. That’s up. That other guy’s back. Why is that guy up again?

I don’t understand why that guy’s up again. He’s up again. He’s making some announcement. Try– There’s more than I can hear.

I can’t remember. We’re up again. We’re up again. They got me by the hand.

They got me by the hand. What are we doing now? We’re, we’re praying, praying. Lord’s Prayer.

Lord’s Prayer. Lord’s Prayer.” “And then I would– And, and that was the end of the meeting. And then I would leave to go to my car, and somebody would say, “How do you like the meeting?” And I’d say, “Great. Fine.” “It was very good.

I love that meeting. It was a good meeting.” And I gotta know I gotta know that while I’m sitting there loving Lou, Dave is having my kind of meeting over there. That’s what Dave’s doing.

Dave’s tweaking like a madman over there. And we leave the meeting. He’s showing up. I say, “Dave, did you love that?” He looks at me and goes, “Great.

It was a great meeting.” And I figure Dave sat through a whole meeting. Dave went. Dave went to a meeting with his sponsor. Totally contrary action to anything Dave’s ever done in his life.

Dave went to a meeting with a sponsor that he asked to sponsor him and sat through an entire meeting. Dave went. You know, and two days later, Dave called me and he says, “You know, I didn’t get that Lou guy at all.” And I say to him, “That’s fine, man. That’s fine.

Let’s go. There’s another guy talking. Oh, let’s go listen to him.” So we go and we listen to another guy, and we hang in there. We hang in together, and everybody gets their, their place.

It’s just Ed sir, I’m not doing better than Dave. I’m just with Dave, and we’re, we’re in this game together, and we just move together. And as a result of it, I’m connected. ‘Cause I get to sit there and listen to Clancy and Johnny and Paul and Tom, and I get to listen to these guys who have gone before me and have turned around and extended the hand of AA to me.

And I listen to their guidance and their direction and what they had to say. I love every one of them. And I listen to what they say, and I show them respect ’cause they’re my elders, and they went before me. And I show them respect.

It’s a big deal with me to show my elders respect. See, I don’t take that stuff for granted in life because I never got to do any of that. I like showing them respect. It makes me feel good to show respect to my elders.

You know? And it makes me feel a little superior because, of course, the guys that I sponsor show me none at all. If you’re new, congratulations. Turn around and walk back in and see that you’re diseased, man, and you got no tools that work.

You know? And if you’re sitting out there and you’re crazy, and you’re sitting out there and you’re thinking, “You know, I, I, I really could kill everybody in the room here tonight,” as far as I’m concerned, perfect. You’re, you’re in great shape. If you’re angry, if you’re hostile, if you’re lonely, if you’re afraid, if you’re having trouble identifying, if you’re having trouble communicating with other people, beautiful.

You’re in the right place. I mean, I mean, look around you. There’s people in here that got the light in their eyes. And everybody in here, you know, was in a position at one point or another where they were dying of a disease called alcoholism.

And they’re not dying anymore. They’re living. They’re living a day at a time. Instead of dying a day at a time, they’re living a day at a time.

And we’re having fun. I mean, to be in a place like this with people like you, that it can– There’s no way to get from where I come from to this place, to be here. It can’t happen. It can’t happen.

And here we are, having fun. I mean, I’m walking on the beach. I’m dancing in the deal. For God’s sakes, I was out there last night line dancing.

Man, I was slapping some cowboy leather. And I’m about as country as Mussolini. You know what I mean? It’s not fair.

If you’re new, stick with it. Find the people who got the light in their eyes and have fun. Like Paul talked about, man, we absolutely insist upon having fun, and we do. This isn’t the end of the line.

The party is by far over. When I came in, I thought, “The party’s over. No more fun.” What I have found is, is that the people in here– People run up to the cliff in life. They run up to the cliff, and most of the people, they run up to the cliff and they say, “The cliff,” and they take a quick step back, kind of peer over the cliff.

This room is filled with people that ran towards the cliff and never slowed down and just dove into the abyss. And it was the kind of life we led, and we land in cemeteries. We land in mental institutions. We land in prisons, and we land here.

The party ain’t over. Stick around and find out for yourself. Thanks a lot.