Hi, my name is Earl. I’m an alcoholic. That was good. Sorry I couldn’t help with the sponsees a little more than you.

God. Oh. Um, Uh, I wanna thank the committee for asking me to come, uh, share here. It’s always an honor and a privilege to do that.

Uh, I, uh… What’s up with– What’s your name? Beverly? Brenda.

Brenda. Geez, man, every other thing they had, you won. Um, I don’t know what I’m doing up here, man. My head’s going way too fast.

All right. Okay. Max is killing me. I wanna thank Max and, uh, Mike and Daryl for coming to pick me up at the airport.

Seems like the longer I stay sober, they just keep sending more and more people to come get me at the airport. Like I’m gonna run off or something. They used to send one, now two. I’m up to three guys they send to get me.

Anyway, uh, I-I’m very glad to be here. I’ve met a lot of really nice people since I’ve been here. Um, hung out with Max today. And, uh, here we go.

I, uh, I drank. Yeah, I did. Um, I, I didn’t start drinking, though. I didn’t start drinking till I was twelve.

I had been, I had– And I had been r-r-restless, irritable, and discontented for quite some time prior to, prior to my first drink. I mean, I was a, I was, uh, scared of my own shadow. I was a self-centered, frightened little kid from the gate. I was one of those kids that, uh, never said much, but if you took your eyes off me, I was gone.

Um, which my parents loved. Um- I got, uh, I used to, when I was about four, I would, uh, sleepwalk and talk in my sleep a lot. I’d get up and walk through the house and turn on the lights as I’d go through the house and stand at the foot of my parents’ bed and talk to them about all sorts of crazy stuff, scare the hell out of them. Turn around and walk back through the house and turn the lights off as I’d go and get back in bed.

Um, my parents decided that, uh, we need to do a few tests on me. So they did a bunch of psychological tests, and the answer they came up with was that every night before I’d go to sleep, they’d give me a big tablespoon full of this liquid, and it knocked me out, right? No more problem. And I think, uh, you know, and, and subconsciously, I got the information very early in life that if things aren’t going the way you want them to, take something.

So I sort of filed that away and went on with the rest of my life. At twelve years old, they tested me, uh, I had– took an IQ test, and, uh, apparently I had a very high IQ. And I don’t have it anymore, so I’m not bragging. That’s, that was way back.

Um- So they shipped me off to boarding school, and they didn’t tell me that’s where I was going. They just– My father showed up and just said, “Get in the car.” You know, and we got in the car, and we drove and drove and drove and drove and got to this place, and I got out, my father got out, and nobody else got out, and he put a suitcase down next to me and shook my hand and said, “This will make a man out of you,” and got back in the car and drove off. And, uh, that paralyzed me.

I mean, the fact was I was being given an opportunity for a wonderful education, which has helped me and gets to head to this very day. The feeling was, was that I just got thrown away by the people who knew me best in the world, and I didn’t know why they did that. So emotionally, it was devastating. And I c- you know, called home crying three days in a row, you know?

“Uh, Mom, you gotta get me out of here.” And, you know, I hear my father in the background, “Hang up!” And she, “Well, gotta go, son,” you know, and hang up the phone. And after about three days, I’d taken all the pain I could take, and I just– Something broke inside me, and I said, “You don’t want me. I don’t want you.” And I turned my back on them, and I, I pretty much never went back after that. Um, and here I was, new world, new school, two hundred and fifty boys from all over the earth.

Uh, two hundred and forty-nine of them were thirteen to eighteen, and I was twelve. I was the youngest and the smallest kid of two hundred and fifty boys, and they had scoured the earth to find two hundred and fifty of the most disturbed, bright young men they could find. I mean, this place is like a Lord of the Flies, man. This is- Just, it was bad.

And, uh, and I was scared to death. And I knew I was the odd man out. I knew I didn’t fit in. Everybody was a teenager but me.

So, uh, I just figured I’ll get through this the best I can. And, uh, first week in the school, walking around and minding my own business, uh, I met Tiny. Every high school’s got a guy named Tiny, right? Six-four, two-forty, you know?

Plays guard on the football team. Tiny found me. Tiny came up and said, “How you doing, punk?” Slapped me in the back of the head, sent me and my books flying. Everybody watching, you know?

And I had this, like, out-of-body experience. You know, where you’re watching yourself do something and your head– while your brain is saying, you know, “Don’t do this. This is a very bad idea.” And I walked up, and I hit him as hard as I could. Which had no effect on him.

And, and I just stood there looking at this giant guy, and I mean, he was like two and a half times my size. And he looked down at me, and he said, “You know what, kid? You got a lot of guts.” And then he beat the crap out of me. And as I’m taking this beating, I’m thinking, “You know, this is going pretty good.” ‘Cause,

uh, the fact of the matter was I was terrified of that guy, and he had just said, “You got a lot of guts.” So my violence had masked the fear that I felt. That was my first tool for living. When in doubt, attack. They won’t know how afraid you really are.

Um, so I went back, you know, the beating stopped, and he went his way, and I stumbled back to my room and sat there waiting, you know, listening to the knots swell on my head. And, uh, the cool guys started coming around, ’cause word spread across this campus, you know, like wildfire. You know, “Watch out for this little Hightower kid. He’s a maniac.

He attacked Tiny,” right? And now I got this reputation as being, you know, the only guy on campus that would assault this huge person, and it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am. This reputation couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’m a frightened child. That’s who I am, right? And now I’m, I’m the madman, you know. So cool guys come around, and Matt stuck his head in my, in my, uh, dorm room, and he said, uh, “Hey, you wanna smoke a joint?” And I said, “Well,

yeah.” Yeah. I had no idea what he was talking about. I had- I had no idea what that meant. Uh, you know, I was not a real savvy kid.

You know what I mean? Um, all I heard was, “You wanna hook up? You wanna come with us?” That’s all I heard, and as far as I could tell, I was alone in the universe, man. I, he could’ve said, “Listen, we’re gonna go kill the Spanish teacher.

Do you wanna come?” And I’d have said, “Yeah, I’m with you. I, I’ll go.” “I’m just sitting here.” So we went and we picked up Steve, and we went behind the dorm, and Steve had a Tupper- Tupperware container full of cheap red wine, and I, and Matt had this joint, and we got behind the dorm, standing by this big tree, and he fired up the joint and handed it to me, and I just did what he did. And then the wine came around.

I took a pull on the wine, and I mean, I don’t get it. I’m like 12 years old. I’m in physical pain. My family has thrown me away.

I’m standing here with two complete strangers, burning out my lungs and drinking this, you know, I mean, this was cheap red wine. There wasn’t a grape within 1,000 miles of whatever this, this stuff- You know, this is just… I’m not having fun. I don’t get it.

And we’re all standing there com- in silence. Nobody knows anybody, right? And I mean, just like, just like that, man, it happened. That thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred, and I got this warm feeling came up over me, and it, all of a sudden, my brain just went, “Well,

hey.” “This’ll work. This is all right.” And I mean, it was in, and I couldn’t put the words on it at the time, and I didn’t know what was going on. Um, but I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with for the first time in my life. I had never felt that good.

I mean, I felt the knots going down on my head, you know, and I mean, and I didn’t know what it was. I don’t know. Is it this pot? Is it this wine?

Is it the fact that I’m standing here with my two very best friends, Matt and Steve? ‘Cause I’m starting to feel a connection here. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t care, because all the things I had been told were not coming true. I went back to my dorm room, got some sleep, got up, and went to school the next morning.

That is not what I had been told. I had been told, “You smoke a joint, you know, you, you, you’re downtown copping heroin immediately.” “You drink,” you know what I mean? “You get in fights. People die.

People go to jail. You end up in insane asylums.” I mean, it’s just, it’s bad from the gate, and none of that happened. What happened for me was I felt better than I’d ever felt in my entire life, and I paid no price for it. It was free.

Now, I, it, I’m not that bright, but I can figure this one out. I’m doing this as often as I possibly can. And I did for the next 16 years, no matter what. Man, I was there.

Now, along the way, uh, things changed a little, like the price I was willing to pay. It was gradual, but it was consistently the price I was willing to pay became greater and greater and greater, till in the end, for me, it started with feeling the best I’d ever felt, no price to be paid. By the time I was done drinking, I was paying a horrible price just to get even, just to get well.

I, a- and I had lost everything. I mean, 13 was pills. The only reason I took a pill was ’cause somebody said, “Would you like a pill?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” I mean, I didn’t know what that is, and I took a couple of pills, and 20 minutes later, I was laying on the floor, and I was real happy down there.

I, I couldn’t remember having any problems. Uh, Tuinal, Seconal, Placidyl, all that junk, right? 14, I dropped acid, and the only reason I did that was ’cause this girl, well, see, I, I met this girl. Her name was Debbie.

Debbie was an older woman. She was 15 and a half. And Debbie was a bad girl. I had such respect for Debbie, man.

Changed my world. And she said, uh, “You wanna try some acid?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” And so she took out a lipstick tube, spun it up, and there was a little tiny pill on the end of it, and I took it and put it in my mouth. What do I know, right?

She said, “Uh, did you take that whole thing?” And I said, “Well, yeah. It was a very tiny pill.” You know, I’m used to these horse caps. I’m taking these three-grain pharmaceutical deals, you know? And she said, “Well, that’s three hits of White Lightning.” Oh.

Oh, well, lady over there about fell out of her chair, yeah. Yeah. I didn’t know, and I went, “Well, all right,” you know. Needless to say, the next couple of days were very interesting.

Oh, God, man, I was… I remember coming, I kinda, like, came back into focus at one point, and we were at the market. And we were pretending we were married. And we were walking along, and I remember I looked over at her and I said, “Do we have kids?” And,

and she said, “We have two.” And I said, “Well, then we’re gonna need these diapers right here.” And I kinda blacked back out I mean, to this day, man, going in a supermarket takes a commitment on my part. ‘Cause everything’s in those little rows, you know? Everything’s all perfect, and the lights are that, that’s that weird lighting.

And you gotta make so many decisions in there. You do. I mean, if you want, if you want, you walk in to have like some corn, you walk in to buy some corn, you don’t just go in, you get the corn and leave. There’s like nine kinds of corn.

There’s cream corn, canned corn, and then there’s that Mexicorn thing, and then there’s, uh, you know, and then somewhere over there is like corn on the cob. It’s like, “I’ll come back later, man.” It’s too much. You’re in the market. You’ve seen in the– you walk, come around the corner in the market, and there’s like that abandoned cart there.

I understand that guy, man. I do. Every time I see one of those. Every time I see one of those, man, I go, “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.” “Couldn’t hang.

Didn’t have a list.” So when I was 15, I started shooting dope, and the only reason I did that, I was at a party and this girl said, “Would you let me stick this in your body?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” You know? And she did, and I mean, it was a good one too, man. She did it, and I just went, “Oh.” Just went over.

And all I remember thinking on the way down was, “Oh, yeah.” That’ll work. You know what I mean? That was just one more color in the paint box for me, you know? It’s just, you open up that paint box every morning and you go, “Well, what are we painting today?” And I mean, now, I identify

as an alcoholic. Here I am talking about drugs. You know? And, and I gotta tell you, I’m a child of the ’60s.

We– Our parents were the alcoholics, and we were carving out our own identity. We weren’t gonna drink ourselves to death like they were. We’re gonna kill ourselves in a whole new way. You know?

So we were very– Hang on. We were very focused on the drugs, but I gotta tell you something. Having done my, you know, so we were all, it was all about, “Well, yeah, we’re drug addicts. We’re drug addicts.” We were very proud of the fact we were drug addicts.

But the fact of the matter is, and having done my inventory work and looked back on my life, this is the truth about it. Drugs would come and go, you know? Drugs would come and go. I’d be shooting heroin one day, snorting cocaine the next.

Now, I prefer down and out. This is what I prefer. I prefer to go down. Heroin, please.

Dilaudid, barbiturates, Quaalude, take me down, down and out. Heart and lungs working, that’s it. That’s what I like. I like that place.

My idea of a good night’s just sitting around checking my pulse. You know what I mean? Just- See how I’m doing. But if I go to connect for the heroin, and you don’t have any, but you got a whole bunch of cocaine, well, all right, let’s go up.

I’m not a specialist. I prefer to go down, but if we can’t go down, I’ll go up. I’ll sit around all night listening to the air around my head. I’ll- You know?

I’ll go on window patrol. That’s all right. Let’s go. I’ll do that, ’cause the point is, I gotta get out of right here right now.

That’s the most important thing. It’s not about being a specialist. It’s about I’m a self-centered, frightened, terrified human being. I gotta get out of right here right now, and I’ll go any way you got available to you.

Just give me some. My drug of choice is what do you got? Give me that. I’ll love that.

Give me that. But here’s a fact. The drugs would come and go. I mean, I, you know, I didn’t care what that was.

There was only one thing that was on the table every single day, and that was booze. Alcohol was on the table every single day, and I’ll tell you why. For me, I speak for m-myself alone. Drugs are unreliable.

They are. Anybody, you’ve done enough of them, you know. I mean, there’s no quality control going on out there. You don’t know what you get.

You don’t know what you’ve got ’cause you get it in your body. That’s how you find out whether it’s any good or not, is to just take it, see what happens. Right? You go get yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels, you go get yourself a quart of gin.

See how I say that word? It’s still gin. I love gin. You get yourself a quart of gin, you know what you got.

You can count on that. This is a very reliable thing, a quart of gin. It will get the job done. So you can go on about your little drug business.

You got your, got your quart there. You’re gonna be all right either way, right? You do so much, you know, you do so much cocaine, you can’t get your mouth open anymore. You know?

You’re, “Ugh.” And it’s seven thirty, and the party’s just starting, and you’ve overshot the mark one more time. Don’t worry about it. You suck a little gin through your teeth, it’ll loosen you right up, and you can go back to the party. If that’s a little too spooky, don’t worry

about it, man. Jack Daniels will ease you back into the comfort zone. Not enough heroin to get you to heart and lungs working? Don’t worry.

Jack will take care of it for you. Jack will get you there. You can count on the booze, and I always, always counted on the booze. First time I drank, I got drunk, and that’s how I drank till I died of alcoholism.

That’s what I did, was I drank alcoholically. I drank that way because that’s the, that’s how, that’s the only way you can get the job done I’m there to do. I mean, I got this barrel of emotions inside me, I mean, and swimming around up on the top, all kind of emotions, you know? I mean, I don’t know anybody, and you, you feel an emotion, then you feel something else, then you feel something else.

I don’t know anybody that feels something for two or three days, gets a little tired of it, and then just decides to feel something else. I mean, they kind of blast in and out at you. I’ve felt like seven emotions since I’ve been in this room, you know? I’ve been self-conscious, frightened, terrified, back to self-conscious, right?

I felt a part of, I felt grateful. When the, when the girl came up here and g-got a chip from the guy who had the most time, right? I, I, I felt the, the awe and wonder I feel towards Alcoholics Anonymous. I look around the room, you know what I mean?

And I feel gratitude. I look around, I feel respect. You know, I look and I go, “Oh, that’s a nice guy. That’s a nice guy.

Oh, that’s a very pretty girl. Oh, then there’s…” You know what I mean? Kind of bounces through your head, right? I can drink and use through that stuff like that, man.

That’s no problem. Way down at the bottom of that barrel, the emotional c- deep undercurrent that has always run my life has been fear, and I gotta drink all the way down through everything I feel, and then kill that fear. It’s the last thing I feel.

So I gotta get drunk to kill the fear. I gotta get drunk to get comfortable. Now you give me a couple of drinks, all I get is agitated. You know?

I don’t like– I don’t– I can’t even, you know, I can’t even comment on social drinking. You know? I’ve never done it. I don’t know anything about it.

I’ve seen it done, and I find it bizarre. I’ve never… You know? That’s– it’s just clearly a completely different reaction to alcohol, and I’m told it’s the normal one.

Not the one that I had. That– mine is not the normal reaction to alcohol. I have an abnormal reaction to it. That’s what happens.

I drink it, and I develop the phenomenon of craving, man. I go into hyperdrive. You know? N- everything else I’m thinking about or doing just goes away ’cause I’m on a mission.

I am clear of purpose. You know? I must– And I’m not a pig, and I didn’t keep track. And I remember I got sober, and I’m sitting in the hospital, and some guy says to me, “Earl, tell me about your drinking.” He said, “What we know?

Twelve.” We’re writing, we’re talking for about an hour, and at the end of it he goes, “You realize you’ve been drunk or loaded every day for the last sixteen years?” I was stunned. I was. I was shocked. I mean, who’s keeping track out there?

I wasn’t keeping track. I never once got up in the morning and go, “You know, I’ve been drunk every day this week. I gotta slow down.” Never even occurred to me, ’cause I’m not focused on what I had to drink. I just want the next one.

Right. I would like this drink, please. I would just like this drink here, please. And when I have that in my hand, it’s like, “You know, while you’re over there-” “…

I really w- you know, another one of these would be pretty good.” You know? I’m not a pig. I just want one more. That’s all I want is one more, and then one more, and then one more, ad infinitum.

That’s what I want. ‘Cause I can’t, I can’t get enough, and I’m not focused on what happened. That’s, that’s in the past. Let’s not worry about that .

Usually it was wreckage and- … hideous behavior. So sixteen, I got– I dropped out of high school. My father came back in my life, threw me in the nuthouse.

I was thrown in my first mental institution. I was– Uh, they hooked me up for three months of observation and a year of rehabilitation, which I thought was a little excessive. And all I did was take three cups of pills a day and shuffle around in the hospital, and then one day I decided I gotta escape. And, you know?

I mean, well, they had, they had… You got ’em here. They got the green exit signs that are all lit up. And I remember sitting in the cafeteria one day and looking at that sign and, uh, thinking, “That’s it.” They boiled it down to one word for me, man.

That’s all I wanna do is exit. I want out of this joint. And I was having lunch with, uh, one day with Kilday. Kilday was this woman I had– I ate all my meals with, ’cause Kilday was like nuts.

And very entertaining. You know? I mean, all you had to do to get Kilday going is you look over and say, “Kilday, how you doing?” And Kilday just, poof. And there she’d go .

Kilday would flip, man, and just go flying across the room. Every meal was like dinner and a show, you know? Get your little food and watch Kilday flip out. So I used her as my diversion, you know what I mean?

I got to lunch, and I’m gonna escape, and I’ve been doing my three cups of pills a day and shuffling around in there. I’m gonna make my big move all of a sudden, I think, right? And I’m, and I get Kilday flying across the room that way, and I’m going, “Ready, ready, go.” And I’m hauling ass, you know?

That’s all I got. And I think my brain’s working okay. I’m looking at my feet like, “What the hell’s going on, man?” I went to make my move, and it wasn’t there. And you hear from the, from the nurses’ station over the loudspeaker, you hear, “Uh, Ed, when you got a minute, you wanna grab Earl?

He’s making a break for the door.” You know, and Ed’s in there having a sandwich going, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get him in a minute.” I got the arms working and everything, I think, you know. ‘Cause I mean, yeah, like a normal person realized, “You’re not leaving. Just shuffle back over and finish eating your Jell-O.

You’re not going anywhere.” And I, I went, man. It’s like, “Yeah, I’m up. Come get me.” You know? And I made it like twenty feet across the room before they got me.

And I realized, man, I mean, I’m li– And so I realized, you wanna get out of the nuthouse, you gotta get out before they get the Thorazine in you. And that became one of my tools for living. ‘Cause if you’re gonna get thrown in nuthouses like me, you gotta, you gotta know these things. So I got out of that place eventually, and I hit the streets and things, which immediately went berserk.

And, uh, they threw the net over me and got me back in one more time. I’m sitting in the intake process. My mother’s sitting there wringing her hands going, “Oh, Christ, what are we gonna do?” You know, I’m sitting there going, “You know, I’m glad you got me, boy. It’s rough out there.

It’s rough out there.” Hey, look at that. Pew. And I hauled ass the first day, and the whistles go off, and the guys are chasing me, and I’m flying across this lawn towards this twelve-foot chain link fence, right? I’m like seventeen years old.

I’m an alcoholic. I’m a s– I’m a drug addict. I’m a high school dropout. I’m at any moment, hopefully, an escaped mental patient.

It’s like my resume. This is my resume. And, and, and this is what I have to say for myself, and I’m thinking if I make that fence, I don’t have any problems. I don’t have any problems.

It’s LA, man. It’s my town. I’ll be drunk in twenty minutes, and that’s all that matters, ’cause you see, I drink no matter what. That’s why I hate that thing they say, man.

I hate it, that, you know, when they tell newcomers, “Just don’t drink or use no matter what.” It’s like, yeah, thanks. That’s really addressing my problem, right? If I could do that, do you think I would be here? If I could just not drink or use no matter what, do you think I would be here?

I hate, I hate airplanes. I got on two of them to come here. To get home, two more. Not worth it to me.

I don’t know 99% of you. I don’t know you. I don’t know you. Work a step?

Do the fourth step? What, are you out of your mind? What for? What for?

Take a phone call in the middle of the night from some whining, suffering newcomer that won’t lift a finger to help himself? Won’t go to a meeting, won’t read the book, won’t help anybody else, won’t take a commitment, but he’ll call you at 2:30 in the morning- -to tell you what a horrible day he’s had in bed. Why would I take that phone call? I’d just say, “Hey, go drink, man.

I don’t care.” Instead people say, “Well, call me. I’ll be at home.” They say, “What are you doing?” I say, “I’m home, not drinking or using, no matter what.” I could do that. But you see, that’s exactly the opposite of h- of, of my situation. I’m the opposite of don’t drink.

I drink no matter what. Given a good reason, I don’t stop. That’s what differentiates me from the problem drinker. Problem drinker can actually, given a good reason, will stop drinking.

You know? Hard for us to believe, but it’s true. They actually do that. Dr- uh, problem drinker gets a drunk driving, another drunk driving charge, goes before the judge.

Judge says, “You know what? I’m sick of this. I’m sick of you. I see you one more time, you’re doing a year in county.

No conversation, no discussing it, one year. We’ll talk about it at the end of the year.” Problem drinker says, “You know what? I don’t wanna go to jail.” Actually stops drinking and driving. Me, I start wondering what it’s gonna be like in jail, ’cause I’m going.

I know I’m going. I’m going to jail. Given a good reason, I don’t stop. I was given so many good reasons along the way to stop.

Didn’t even occur to me. Didn’t even occur to me. Because it’s how I live. It’s — I’ve been this way since I was 12 years old.

This is what I do. This is what makes it possible for me to leave the house. This is what makes it possible for me to get sleep at night. This is what makes it possible for me to have a conversation with another human being.

This is what makes it possible for me to be comfortable anywhere, under any circumstances, at any time. This is w- this is like breathing for me. This is how I live. I am committed to this life.

Now, I already know by the time I’m 19 years old, I’ve been out on the street 17 to 19– 17, 18, 19, I’m out on the street doing what you do. Doing what you do. And I’m think– I– when I hit the road, man, I thought, “Man, me and Jack Kerouac, man. I mean, it’s just gonna be romantic and dramatic.

It’s gonna be great.” The thing, you know, stories, it’s great stories, right? It’s, it’s hard out there, man, and I battled fiercely to get what I needed on a daily basis. Turned 20 years old, I got diagnosed to have, uh, malignant cancer. And I had been going to college, which is a long story.

What had happened was I’d met this woman at a party, and, uh, we talked for 20 minutes. It went pretty well, so we were in love. And, uh, we decided to make something of our lives, so I went on an interview for a business college and just, you know, bullshitted my way through the interview. And at the end of the interview, they said, “You’ll be a wonderful addition to our campus in the fall,” and I said, “Great.” Went back to my father, said, “Look, I got accepted to business college.

Write me a check for a year’s tuition, I’ll leave town.” He said, “Beautiful.” Wrote me a check. We piled all our belongings and eight pounds of hash in the back of this truck. Drove to Northern California to higher learning, and she got a straight job, and we got a little place, and I got a, uh, um… I was going to adult night school ’cause I didn’t even have a high school diploma.

I was a high school dropout going to college. So I gave him a year’s tuition and said, “Transcripts are in the mail.” And they said, “No problem, man.” Took the check. Went down to the local high school, do my GED, get my, my equivalency done. Going, going to college during the day, right?

Okay. Uh, and became a drug dealer. Made perfect sense to me, man. I didn’t have any problem being a drug dealer.

I had no morals or ethics. I had no sense of family or community. I had no– none of that was going on with me. I wasn’t interested in how you were doing at all.

I didn’t care. I wasn’t one of those chitchat kind of guys, you know what I mean? Let’s have a little chat. About what?

You know? About what? I don’t care how your day went. I don’t.

You wanna get high or not? It’s ridiculous. And, uh, and I mean, I’m studying marketing and production and distribution in business college, and my business is booming, man. I’m learning all this stuff, and I think college is great, right?

I’m making money hand over fist, right? She starts saying stuff like I’m too high and, you know, you know, w- we’re stoned all… I mean, she had to go. So we sent her back to LA, and I got to use the way I wanted to.

Shortly after that, I got diagnosed to have malignant cancer and, uh, flew back to LA, and they told my family I was gonna die. They prepared me, uh, to die. Did major surgery on my upper back, put me in the, uh, nuclear medicine program. And I remember as they’re telling me this thinking, “You don’t even know who you’re talking to.” You know?

I mean, this dying thing, this is coming up like twice a week these days, the way I’m living. ‘Cause I’m starting to, I’m starting to overdose every now and then, you know? And I did the– and I beat the cancer thing. Uh, I beat that, went back up north.

Um, was feeling strong, using like a madman. And my mo- I was 21. At this point, I got a high school diploma. I’m a junior in college.

I got an early acceptance to go to USC law school. I’m editor-in-chief of the college newspaper. I’m a very successful drug dealer. My resume’s looking better and better.

You know, I got all my ducks lined up pretty good. And, uh, my mother calls me and says, uh, “Look, we haven’t been anywhere as a family in 10 years. Your 22nd birthday’s coming up. We’ll go anywhere you wanna go.

Let’s just go as a family.” And I said, “Fine. All right.” And I flew back to LA, and on my 22nd birthday, we took off to fly to, uh, Guadalajara, and on the way there, the plane crashed. And my mother, my father, my little sister were all killed, and I wasn’t. Well, in a way I was.

And, uh, I woke up on this mountain and, um, my skull was fractured, my back was broken in three places, my leg was crushed, my arm was crushed. Um, I was paralyzed from the waist down, and I had a lot of internal injuries, and I could– only thing I could move was my right arm. And my, my mother was laying right over there, and my little sister Kimberly was laying right over there, and my father was laying right over there, and I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t get to them to help them. I couldn’t get there to them, and I watched them all bleed to death right in front of me.

And I had a chat with God, and I said, “You know what? Anybody that would take a kind, gentle, loving little girl like my little sister Kimberly and leave a lying, cheating, thieving, dope fiend alcoholic like me on the planet, I have no interest in a God of this type,” and I renounced God. And then some guys came up, and I thought they’d come up to, to help me.

And for some reason, all I want– I took my wallet out, and I wanted to s– I want them to know my name ’cause I thought I was gonna die. I just want them to know my name. And the guy took the wall- my wallet out of my hand, and he took the money out of it and put the wallet back on my chest, and they went through and scavenged the plane wreck, and then they left the mountain and left me up there to die. So I had no love for you anymore either.

My– I had no need for the facade of my life anymore. I didn’t need to be in school. I didn’t need to be doing anything. I had no love of man, and I had no love of God.

And I thought, “And I was one pissed off crazy alcoholic, and I was coming down off that mountain one way or another, and I was gonna show you how I felt about this life.” And, uh, eventually some other guys came up, and they took me down. They got me. They took us to a rec– th-threw me and my mother in the back of this pickup truck, drove us down, parked it by a, um, an aid station, and they tagged both of our– they tagged us both

dead and sat there smoking cigarettes waiting for me to die. And I didn’t die, so they finally just took me to the hospital. And they kept me, uh, um… the Federales showed up and, uh, wanting to know what I was doing back in Mexico, which is a whole other story.

And, uh, they said, uh… they interrogated me through an interpreter for three and a half days and wouldn’t give me anything for pain. And I called– finally, I called a buddy of mine in Northern California who called his family in Mexico City, who flew a plane in, and we basically, we smuggled me out of Mexico. Fully plastered me from the neck down and shipped me back to LA.

I spent some time in a hospital up here, and they said I, I may or may not walk. I’d have a withered left hand, and I’d be blind in my left eye. And I worked real hard, man, in that hospital to make sure that none of that was true ’cause I didn’t want you to think anything was wrong with me. And I got out of that hospital, and I was strung out on Demerol.

I’d been getting maximum doses every three hours around the clock for a long time. Left that hospital, and I was a drug-seeking nightmare when I got out of there. And I had a lot of money from the airplane insurance, and I had a house up on the hill, and I had a bunch of cars, and I had a basement full of booze and an office full of drugs, man. And I went for it.

No more pretense. I didn’t care what you thought. Uh, I got… I, I threw the gates of that house open, and I threw a party that lasted for three and a half months.

And when it was over, the neighbors thought I was with Charles Manson. I wasn’t. A buddy of mine was, but I wasn’t. I mean, it got weird, you know?

It got weird. Um, it got weird by LA standards. It got weird. And it was just around the clock for three and a half months.

And e-ev-it got to where people wouldn’t… I mean, people just go… There’s a girl in the program, uh, that, uh, she’s gotta have about sixteen, seventeen years sober now. I remember the first time I ever heard her speak.

She was talking about that she went to this party with a friend of hers, and they walked in the door, and there was a bunch of these guys in this house, bunch of people, insane people on leashes, people… I mean, it was crazy what was going on in there. And she sat down at this table, and the guy’s house it was was sitting at the head of the table. And she’d been using pretty hard, but she said she was– she’d never seen anybody use like that in her life.

She thought, she thought for sure this guy was gonna die right in front of her. And we’re all listening to this, and she points down, she goes, “And that’s him right there.” She’s pointing at me. Ugh. And that’s what it was like, and my last run lasted four and a half years.

And I was drunk at every single moment, waking moment for four and a half years, except for three separate occasions, and they were for seventy-two hours each, and that’s ’cause I was strapped to a gurney and shot full of anticonvulsants. And I’d get well enough after three days, and they’d unstrap me, and I’d go back out, and I’d be drunk that night. And I’d be swearing when I got off that gurney that I was never gonna drink again as long as I lived.

I couldn’t take it anymore, man. My ass was kicked. And I’d be drunk that night. I knew I was an alcoholic.

I knew I was a drug addict. I knew all those things were true about me. I knew that I was dying, and I, I was a young man, and I was dying, and I knew that. What I didn’t know was what it, what it meant to be an alcoholic.

I didn’t know what alcoholism was. I didn’t know what I was up against. I s– I thought if you stopped, you were okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Right? And drunk that night. Every night, right?

I’m the guy in the book they talk about found on the bar, you know, wondering how it happened again. That was me. And I got, I mean, war stories, war stories, war stories, war stories. In the end, I came out of my last blackout.

This was the normal fare for me. I was a blackout drinker. I’ve come to in different cities. I’ve come to in conversations with police.

When you’re down in Venice, California, on Speedway, and you come out of a blackout at four o’clock in the morning, and you got four police officers standing there. They’re all talking to you, and they’re not happy. And you have no idea what’s going on or how you got there or why they’re pissed off. Nothing.

I mean, but you’ve done it a hundred times, so you know, man. You just stand there, put your hands where they can see them, and you just nod. Yes. Whatever you’re saying, yes.

I mean, what else are you gonna do? You can’t just say, “Excuse me, officers. I just got here.” “It’s this little thing I do. I’m here.

I’m not here. I’m here. I’m not here.” And in the end, I mean, in the end, I came out of my last blackout. I had hair out like this.

I had a beard out like this. I was yellow. I was psychotic, and I don’t use the term loosely. I was a mess, man.

I was crazy in the head. Um, I’d broken seventy-four bones. I had over six hundred stitches in me. Um, I’d been stabbed twice.

Shot at, the violence had been insane. My family was dead. I had no friends. I had no place to live.

I was unemployable. I burned my life to the ground. I burned it to the ground. Only thing left to do was die, and I threw up…

I had two broken hands, and I threw up my busted hands, and I just said, “Help me.” And I hadn’t said that in years. I was gonna go down swinging. My ass was kicked. I said, “Help me.” They took me to a hospital, and they pumped my stomach, and they said, “Get him out of here.

He’s gonna die.” They’d seen me so many times up at UCLA Emergency. And they took me by ambulance over to another hospital out in the Valley. They kept me three to five days. I don’t even remember.

And they said, “Get him out of here. He’s getting worse.” And they took me down to Long Beach, California. I stayed there for 12 more days of detox and 30 days on a free bed, and I came out of there, and I knew one thing: you drink, you’re gonna die. If you don’t wanna die, go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

That was it. And I said, “Okay.” And I ended up in a, a, it was a Friday night meeting, 8:30 meeting in the basement of a church in West LA, and I went in, and I sat in the back, man, uh, thinking I was pretty low profile. You know?

I’m gonna lay low. I mean, I was an old drug dealer. You know what I mean? I’m gonna come in, sit in the back, lay low, shut up, listen to what these people are doing.

You know, just kinda get the lay of the land. Check this thing out. Right? See what’s going on.

And I, you know, little did I know, man, I w- I came in, and you know, like 57 people went, “New guy.” You know, ’cause my eyes are darting around in my head. You know what I mean? I got that jaw, you know, those jaw muscles just working.

But all the old-timers stayed off of me, man. The old-timers saw me, and they knew. “Uh, he’s dangerous. Not ’cause he’s tough, ’cause he’s frightened.

That’s a terrified human being.” So they’d say, “We’re glad you’re here, partner. We got coffee over there. Get yourself a seat. Good to see you.” And I’d say, you know, “Hey,” go get my third of a cup of coffee, ’cause I was still doing like, you know- …

splashing coffee around the room. “Better than me he’s got a new guy,” right? New guy came up on me. Saw me, all he saw was newcomer.

He didn’t see all the signals. I’m mad dogging him like crazy. He just came at me. He said, “Hey, I’m Vegas.

I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what?” “Me too, man. It ain’t exactly the highlight of my life.” “I don’t know what you’re so thrilled about. Get away from me.” And he looked at me, and he said, “Keep coming back.” That’s the dumbest thing I’d ever heard.

And I mean, I gotta tell you, and like three other guys standing there looking at him like, “Well, yeah, did you see that? Told him to keep coming back, man. That was deep.” You know? Which made me feel terrific.

I’m standing there thinking, “Well, great.” You know? Yeah, keep coming back. Obviously, you guys all know there’s some deep spiritual significance to keep coming back. And I have no idea what it is, so you’re the winners.

I’m the loser again. So far, I’m loving AA. Thanks a lot. Hate this place.

When I’m losing my mind about 4:00 AM, I’m sure that keep coming back thing’s gonna really calm me down. You know what, man? If you’re, for you new guys out there, have a little more guts than I did. Somebody walks up to you, and they start throwing these little jingles around at you.

They come up to you, and they give you that all-knowing wise, “I’ve been in AA for, you know, 14 months. I know what’s going on.” You know? And they come up on you and say, “Hey, keep coming back,” or, “You know what? One day at a time, brother,” or you know, or, or my favorite, “Hey, just turn it over.” They come up, and they do that stuff to you, step up to the plate, man, and say, “Excuse

me. I don’t understand the deep spiritual significance of keep coming back. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit?” Well, where I’m from, if they’re honest, about 75% of them would say, “Well, you know, I don’t know what it means either, you know?” “They said it to me when I came in.

I’m saying it to you. I don’t know what the hell it means.” “It’s what we say around here, man.” “Here’s a guy over there who reads the big book though. Let’s go ask him. Maybe he knows what it means.” Just my opinion.

Oh, God. Anyway. So I sat in the back, man. I got the n- new guy off of me, and everybody else was leaving me alone.

This old guy got up, about 65 years old. He was a skid row bum. He was a wino, and he was an ex-boxer. I am none of these things.

I was never on skid row. I couldn’t find it. Boxer? He carried a gun.

Boxer. “Well, I’m 11 and 0, man.” Yeah, you’re about to be 11 and 1. If you keep that up, right? Wino?

I didn’t drink wine unless there was nothing else to drink, then I would very much like your wine. But- … I was not a big wine guy. Something about the tannin.

I loved it that I was so, I was so discerning. You know what I mean? I’d drink any kind of rot gut you had, man. I didn’t ju- I’d drink Mad Dog 20/20, Night Tr- any of that stuff, man.

I like that fortified stuff. That’s where I started, you know? But I, red wine, you know, I prefer the white. You know, that tannin makes the ha- hangovers much worse.

Like, what a load, man. The tannin. Anyway. Where was I?

In the back of a meeting. And this old guy gets up, and I re- I recognized the differences between you and me immediately, right? Old guy, I thought, “Well, this guy’s 65 years old. He don’t know about me.” Boxer.

Don’t know about me. Wino. Don’t know about me. Skid row bum.

He don’t know about me. I can spot him like that, man. I got so good at spo… I mean, I, you know, if, if you’re five years older, five years younger, you don’t know about me.

You’re a woman? You don’t know about me. You gay? You don’t know nothing about me.

You’re Hispanic, you’re Black, you’re Asian, you don’t know about me. Don’t know about me. It’s if you come up in something else. You’re coming up in something else.

You don’t know about me. I got so good at that, by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, if you’re not an al, you don’t know about me. Can spot the difference between you and me like that. And I got, and I, I knew this guy did not know about me.

But the beauty of it was I had destroyed my life. I didn’t have anyplace else to go. If I’d have had someplace else to go, I’d have gone there. Didn’t have any place.

That’s the way guys like me get here. My sponsor years later told me, “The bottom for you is dead.” Well, that’s encouraging. I got in just under the wire. And I sat– So I just sat in the back, my arms folded, my best tough guy look on my face and, you know, filled with disdain- -hatred, loneliness.

I was so alone when I got here. There was nobody in my life. I was a hopeless, low bottom drunk, man, and I was so lonely. The pain inside me was so great, and I didn’t even know anymore.

I was just where I’d been for so long. And this guy got up, and he shared three things. He shared his experience, he shared his strength, and he shared his hope, and he blew my mind. I never heard a guy talk that openly and honestly about his feelings as a man.

I’d never heard that before. Men in my family talk about their wallets and their genitals. That’s it. Yeah, and they’re lying about both.

All a lie. That’s what they talk about. You know, my dad never came home, and my mom said, you know, “How you doing, darling?” And my dad looked at her and said, “I’m feeling a little less than today.” That just didn’t happen. You know?

Didn’t matter what was going on. How you feeling? Fine. What’s for dinner?

That was it. Never talked about how he felt. I didn’t know you could do that. This guy did, and he did it with a grace and a dignity, and I was amazed, man.

But I got to… So great part about Alcoholics Anonymous was I got to sit back there thinking, “You know what? These people are onto something,” while I looked like I, you know, couldn’t stand you ’cause I couldn’t let you know yet. Couldn’t let you know that I thought you had something.

And it was like he l– And the other thing he did was like he looked right at me, and he said, “You know what? I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not. You don’t like it, go to another meeting.” And I loved that ’cause it made it really clear to me this guy’s not selling me something. He’s sharing it with me.

If I want it, I can have it. It’s free. If I don’t want it, that’s cool. Go to another meeting.

Maybe you’ll hear somebody else you can identify with more. I th– And I just… And, and the thing that I needed to have happen happened for me, and it was my little head said, “This is cool. I’m coming back.” And I’ve been coming back ever since.

I’ve never left. From that guy to now, it’s been over eighteen years, and I’ve been here with you every day. And I, I, and I couldn’t stay sober for a day. I couldn’t do it for one day.

I couldn’t do it. They strapped me down. I didn’t drink. They let me loose.

I drank. That’s just the way it was. And I thought, “I’m gonna come back.” And I waited a week, and I came back to that Friday night meeting at eight thirty, and I went, and I sat in the back. And the same guy said, “Get a cup of coffee,” and Vegas came up and tried to, to talk to me again, and I wouldn’t let him.

We went through our little routine. Our little pre-meeting routine. And I sat in the back, and this woman got up to speak, and I nudged the guy next to me, this, this guy next to me, and I said, “Where’s the guy?” And he said, “What are you talking about?” I said, “The guy that talks here.

I came to hear the guy that talks here. He was here. I came last week. He talked.

I came back to hear him.” And the guy looked at me and said, “You’re new, aren’t you?” I said, “Yeah. What’s your point?” He says, “We do this thing where we got, you know, we do– we have a man speak, then a woman speak, then a man speak, then a woman speak, and we got all kind of different meetings. We got participation meetings. We got speaker meetings.

We got question and answer meetings. We got m-men’s tags and women’s tags.” I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” That’s more… That’s… I don’t…

That’s more information than my brain can handle just yet. I was cool with go to the church Friday eight thirty. The guy talks. That was it, man.

That was Alcoholics Anonymous for me. And I was thrilled with that. And he’s telling me all kind of stuff going on. So he said, “Well, we got, we got our home group, and we got these different meetings you can get into.

You know, here’s a, here’s a little directory of them.” Come on, man. Fine. So I showed up, and I did what they told me to do here. And I, I got to tell you, I didn’t say a word in Alcoholics Anonymous for two and a half years.

I was the guy in the back. I was the guy in the back. I don’t recommend this to anybody, but that’s just how damaged I was. It was the best I could do.

I got a sponsor right away. I got a vicious sponsor. I got a sponsor who didn’t play. I got a sponsor who wanted me to live more than w- he wanted me to like him.

I got a sponsor who told me, “You don’t have to like what I tell you, and you don’t have to think it’s a good idea. You just have to do it ’cause it’s a program of action.” And I said, “Cool.” And he didn’t tell me what to do. He showed me ’cause he was still doing it. He was doing it.

He’d say, “Pick up this new guy. Take him to the meeting.” I’d go get him and bring him to the meeting, and he’d be there with two new guys setting up the meeting every time. Never could bust that guy. You know?

That is the late, great Donald Madden, man. The late, great Donald Madden. I talked to that man every single day for fourteen years up until the day he died. He was the single most important human being in my life.

Hell, I was with him longer than I was with my parents. He saved my life. He built me from the ground up, and it was, it went so far beyond the call of a sponsor. It was unbelievable.

He loved me when I needed loving, and he kicked my ass when I needed kicking, when it needed kicking. He was an amazing human being. It absolutely broke my heart when he died. I didn’t know what to do.

But you see, that’s not true. I did know what to do ’cause Donald Madden had been my sponsor. I knew what to do. He died, and I’m sitting there with some buddies, and we’re waiting for them to come get the body, and we’re there, and we’re just– we’re devastated.

Nobody, none of us had ever been sponsored by anybody else. It was a crew of us, and we were just lost. Mm-hmm. We were so lost.

And what a day that was, man. And, and I just said, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t be sponsored by anybody else.” And I heard his voice in my head, and it– and I heard this voice say, “You get a sponsor right now, you little shit.” It was the voice of Donald Madden.

I picked up the phone. When– A name came to mind. It was a man that Donald loved and respected, and I knew that man loved and respected Donald. And I called him up.

I said, “Donald’s dead. Will you sponsor me?” He said, “Sure,” and he’s been my sponsor ever since that. And Donald Madden, I, you know, and I thought Donald Madden was dead. I was devastated, man.

But I mean, you know what? Donald Madden’s not dead ’cause I’m, I’m living proof Donald Madden’s not dead, and there’s a whole bunch of us, and I got a legion of boys under me, man. I must sponsor thirty of them, and they must sponsor another hundred and fifty. You know what I mean?

And then on down, and I take– Uh, it was amazing, man. I remember the night it hit me that Donald Madden was alive and well. It was when a guy I sponsored took a cake for fourteen years, and he said, “I want to thank Earl for being my sponsor and showing me the way, and I want to thank Donald Madden for being Earl’s sponsor and showing him the way.” And I just started crying. And I thought, “Wow, he’s not dead.

He’s still here, man.” He’s just– And I, I mean, every once in– I mean, a lot of the stuff that you hear flying out of my mouth, that’s Donald. That’s Donald. He was amazing. He was the kind of guy– I remember I would come into the meeting.

We had a f– And the first time I ever s– I never took a chip, didn’t take a cake till I was three years sober, didn’t say a word till I was two and a half. Donald Madden, I walked up to him at the end of a meeting. He’d taken over this meeting. He walked into this meeting.

It wasn’t going, you know, it was just all torn to hell. No respect for the podium. You know, the coffee was there one week, and it wasn’t the next. There w– You know what I mean?

There was no literature showing. You know, the literature guy wasn’t showing up. Donald said, “Say nay, we’re taking over.” They had an election. We stormed the meeting and took over the meeting.

He was the secretary, and we all had commitments, and he knew– And my commitment was cleanup. And I was supposed to clean up the meeting, and I was supposed to go out during the meeting, out in the parking lot, and tell everybody to be quiet ’cause he knew I wouldn’t talk to anybody. I was two and a half years sober. I wouldn’t talk to anybody.

And he said, “You gotta go tell them to be quiet.” And I looked at him like, “Man, what are you, high?” You know? What am I gonna do? So, I mean, I would be the cleanup guy, and, and during the meeting, I’d go outside, and there’d be, like, fifty eyes outside. Man, a much noise.

I’d go out and go, “Hey, you guys keep it down, will you?” And I’d get, like, fifty of these, you know? I’d say, “Thanks a lot,” and I’d go back in, right? Saturday night on Ohio Street. Clint knows what I’m talking about, right?

And I’d clean up. And I remember one night, my commitment sta– The meeting ended at ten. My commitment started about ten ten, ten fifteen. I’d start cleaning up the joint.

I showed up one day at, uh, a little after six twenty. It was six twenty-two, as a matter of fact. And I showed up at six twenty-two ’cause I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I had no life.

I had no life. I worked, and I went to AA. And I had a one-room apartment, and I was so glad that the madness had stopped, and I didn’t have to dance to that beast every day. I had nothing, nothing, and I was so happy to be in AA, but I still couldn’t talk to people.

I was just too we– It was just too much, too scary for me. And I went into this meeting, showed up, and I was so afraid somebody’s gonna say, “What are you doing here, loser? It’s six twenty. Your commitment starts in four hours.” And I would have to strike the person.

You know? And I walk into the back of the meeting, and Donald Madden saw me walk into that meeting, and he ran up to the microphone, and he said, “Earl, it’s six twenty-two. You’re late.” Right? You see what he did?

You see what he did? He let everybody in that hall know I was supposed to be there ’cause he said so. He made it safe for me. Now, that’s not required of a sponsor, but he did that.

I remember one night during the meeting, I was standing in the back. I’d had it all. I’d had, I’d had it all I could take. I was standing in the back of the meeting, and I was just caving in.

“You’re worthless, you’re a piece of shit, you’re never gonna be any good, and you’re never amount to anything. It’s not gonna happen. You can’t do this. It’s just no good.

It’s never gonna work.” I was just going in, man. And the speaker was up talking. Donald looks in the back of the meeting, sees me, gets up, walks up to the podium, taps the speaker on the shoulder. Speaker steps aside.

Donald steps up to the microphone, says, “Earl.” “No.” And I went, you know, I pull out of it and looking up, scared to death, the whole meeting stopped. And he looks at me and he goes, “We’re having a meeting.” I went, “Right. Right.

Okay. I’m with you.” Right? And he goes on, and he sits down. The speaker comes back up.

The whole front of the meeting — The whole front of the meeting is going, “Who the hell is Earl?” You know? I’ve been there for two years. And I went up to him a couple weeks later, and I said, “You know what? I’ll do anything you ask me to do in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I’ll never speak at a meeting.

Can’t do it. Sorry.” And he said, “That’s a lovely sentiment. You’re the first speaker here next Saturday night.” That’s what I get for bringing my opinions to my sponsor, right? And I did it.

And my emotional sobriety started. That was the first time in my life that I could remember being absolutely terrified and walking through it, not being paralyzed by my fear, not using my old tools. I didn’t drink. I didn’t use.

I didn’t run. I didn’t fight. None of that. I just faced it and walked forward.

And, and that– And I’ve been here now eighteen years. And I’ll tell you what the turning point for me was, what made it possible for me to stay. ‘Cause I’ll tell you what, as far as I can tell, I’ll bet the grand– the great majority of the people in this room have stopped drinking and using. Damn near everybody in this room is probably sober, you know?

So it’s not about stopping anymore. They already stopped. It’s about staying stopped. How do I not start again?

How do I not start again? How do I deal with the greater aspect of my disease? The book tells me that is an obsession of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease. It tells me that the persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man, is astonishing, and that many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity or death.

That’s me, man. I got a friend in LA who calls me the gate guy. Earl’s going to the gate. There he goes.

And that was what… And I remember I was six, six and a half years sober. Seven to nine meetings a week, calling my sponsor every day, taking out two panels. Took one to San F– the juvenile hall at the beginning of the disease.

Took one to the county jail, to the county hospital, end of the disease. So I got to see the beginning and the end every month, right? I used to have meetings with guys, walk in, guys liver out to here, dying, not leaving the hospital. He’s not leaving.

That’s it. He’s done. Yellow. Liver like a football.

Walk up to him, go, “You like to go to a meeting, man?” He’d say, “Why? I don’t have a drinking problem.” Drank himself to death. Go up to ano– And then have a meeting with a woman who was in the same position, was dying, and what she wanted more than anything in the world was a thirty-day chip before she died.

I’ll never forget that lady. And that’s why to this day, man, I have so much respect for thirty-day chips. I’m telling you, that’s living in a state of grace, man, when you get that thirty-day chip. Get that thirty-day chip.

That’s the big one, man. That is so big. ‘Cause you mean, you, you haven’t been around. You don’t know what– You don’t have the tools for living.

You don’t have the routine. You don’t have all the stuff working for you that those of us who have been here for y- a few years have got. You got God on your side and a fear of the beast, man, and you just keep moving and keep moving, and you look up, and you got thirty days. That’s huge to me.

That’s a huge one, that thirty day. I never took one. I never got one. I was too afraid.

Ha– Man, get up- Take that one, man, because that’s big time in my book. Because, I mean, I– That any of us ever get to today, to me, is amazing. I got so much respect for the disease of alcoholism because I saw so many of them die a horrible death before I got here, and I’ve watched a whole lot of decent people die a horrible death since I got here.

I mean, you watch, you stay around long enough, man, you watch a lot of good folks go down hard. Go down hard. Because I’ll tell you what, man, it ain’t what you know, it’s what you do. I know a lot of people know a hell of a lot more about the book, quoting this and that and the other thing, man.

So what? You know, you can go do that in a bar. It’s what you do, what you do. Do you go to a meeting?

Do you read the book? Do you share what you have? Do you take the commitment, right? Do you take the phone call?

Do you go and meet the guy? Do you do this stuff? Do you hit your knees? Do you put your palms up to God?

Do you– Are you willing to turn it over? That’s the doing of it. You got to go do it. This buddy of mine said, “Hey, Earl, guess what?” I said, “What?” He goes, “They got a book.” He had eight years, I had six.

I said, “Yeah, yeah, I got one.” He was, “Have you read it?” I said, “Yeah, yeah. How it works and some things in there.” My favorite one ever was this girl came up to me one time. She said, “Where’s step three?” I said, “I’m not telling you.

Read the book. Find it.” “I’m not gonna steal that process from you. You know, I’m not gonna steal the, the joy of that from you. Find it.” She goes, “I know where it is.

It’s in that chapter, We Antagonists, isn’t it?” She was a piece of work, man. It’s– To hear her tell you, she’s doing very well on the methadone program right now. Been on methadone about ten years.

Anyway, um, we got the book, man, and we started doing the thing we’d always avoided. We started looking for those book thumpers. You know what I mean? Those guys that’s pounding on the book, you know.

“Stay in the book.” It’s like, “Oh, Christ, let’s get out of here,” you know. We found those guys, and we followed them around, and we got some answers, right? I said, “How do you read the book?” And this guy said, “Well, there– Pick it up first.” “If there’s something written there, I suggest you read it.

Then you turn the page.” “If there’s anything written there, read it.” “Then go to the next page.” So we said, “Got it.” And we did, man. I mean, we looked. We were, like, looking around.

In those days, they had the circle with the triangle right on the cover there, right? And we found out, you know, that’s an ancient spiritual symbol. Stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. Therein lies the balance I had sought my whole life and never had, drunk or sober.

I was as maniacal sober as I was drunk. I mean, I’d get ideas in my head, and I’d go do it. I’d look around me, and I’d find this girl, say I had that girl. And I would manipulate and just lie and do whatever, and then I would get her, and I had that girl, and I was very happy about this.

I got to make all that money, and I would struggle and strugg– I don’t even know I got her anymore because I’m making money now. I went in to make the money. I’m gonna get the money thing. It said– I heard somebody say they worked out sober.

Said, “I’m gonna work out.” I would– Going out, I would lift weights, just lift weights until I’d literally rip a muscle from the bone. Just, you know, just, oh, there, just something’s wrong. Just tear– And then I heard run, run. I said, “I’ll run.” My doctor told me, “You’ve broken too many bones, man.

You cannot run.” I said, “If I can run, you treat me for free?” She said, “No problem,” right? So, I mean, I’m out there running miles and miles and miles. She’s treating me for free. I run a half marathon.

I’m showing up at meetings hallucinating, you know. Eating bananas and yogurt, and they’re being like, “How you doing?” I was like, “Cool, man. It’s good.” Do you ever notice how blue the book is? Out of my mind, right?

Till I got stress fractures on me. You know what I mean? I mean, just no balance. None.

I says balance. I thought, “Cool, I can go for balance.” And Alcoholics Anonymous adopted that symbol. It’s the same thing. Mind, body, and spirit.

It’s Unity Recovery Service. It’s the same thing. Unity’s the body. I must bring it here.

I can’t get sober, but we can. Yeah. We get sober. I got to be with my people.

I got to be with you. I got to be. You look in my eyes, you know how I’m doing. I walk up to you, say, “How you doing?” I say, “Fine,” you know if I’m lying.

You know. You– I– It’s real between us. I got to be with you. Recovery is of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease.

How do I get relieved of the obsession of drinking and use? How do I stay stopped? Work the twelve steps. That’s what they’re there for.

It’s recovery of the mind. Restore me to sanity, soundness of mind. Relieve me of the obsession to drink and use. So I said, “Cool.” And we buckled down.

We got in those steps. Step one was what’s the problem? Well, lack of power is my problem. Whole life’s unmanageable as a result of this one thing.

Okay, we know what that is. I– We didn’t even get off the couch yet. Well, if that’s our problem, what’s our solution? Luckily, step two.

I come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession. That’s gonna have to be, because I tried everything. Took it right to the edge of the grave right there. All right.

Well, knowing that’s– You, you can drink knowing that. You better make a decision to do something about it. Okay, what should I do? Well, step three, oddly enough.

Step three. Get on your knees, say that third step prayer, and turn your will and your life over to the care of God, and mean it. All right. Got down on the floor, said it, got a little worried.

That was a little scary. Got back up on the couch, looked on it, said, “We hope you were serious about that.” Says, “That’s a hell of a place to tell you that.” Like, now you tell me. All right, I think I was.

And they said, “All right, now you got to embark upon a plan of action right now. If you don’t, this is all a big waste of time.” Right? And so action, what is it? Four through nine.

Four and five is me, six and seven is God, and eight and nine is you. There ain’t anybody else to play with. Got to go for it. All right.

So I did this four-column inventory on resentment, fear, and sex. Looked at my part in things. Swallowed large chunks of truth about myself. Guy came in the house, and I read it to him before God.

Got it out. Got it all out. Six and seven, hook it back up with God. Ask God to remove my defects of character ’cause I’ll remove the wrong stuff.

I will. I’m enjoying this one right now. You can have that one. Yeah.

We’ll call you next week, maybe we’ll swap. I don’t know. I’m- Give it to God. Let God handle it, right?

Eight and nine, lot of conversation in the book. Eight and nine, clean and hook it back up with you. I’m very, very sorry. Here’s your money.

Back in the house. No big, long, pathetic story about what a great guy I am now ’cause I got sober. I’m on this spiritual quest and aren’t– get a load of me. It’s like, you know what?

They don’t want my money. They want their money. Give them their money. Give them their money.

Make the apo– And it doesn’t say, “Go tell people you’re sorry for what you did.” It doesn’t say that. No, no. It said make direct amends. Um, to amend is to change.

Very sorry I stole your car, and I’m not gonna steal any more cars. I’m changing the behavior. I’m not doing that anymore. We’re working on it, you know.

Ten, 11, and 12, keeping me in the game. Me, God, and you. Ten is me, 11 is God, and 12 is you. I continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it.

Eleven, I seek God. Action step on my part. I seek God. How do I seek Him?

Through prayer and meditation. What do I pray for? Simple. Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

That’s it. Anything else, and I’m cutting deals. That’s me. That’s me.

And, and why do I- And why do I meditate? You meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, you can hear them. Very loud in here. I mean, that’s a testimony to human skull, as far as I’m concerned.

Amount of pressure you can put yourself in. It’s amazing. We’re just– We should be sitting around in meetings, and every once in a while, some newcomer’s head just explode. Boom.

Hit the ground. You know, it’d be a whole separate clean-up committee. Come on over and clean it up. Come on over.

All the new guys, we got in the front are going, “What the hell was that?” “Never mind. Speaker’s up there. Shut up.” You can be next. Oh.

Yeah. I mean, it’s tough. Ah. So you do all that, right?

And you get restored to sanity by doing those steps. Step 12 is the third side of the triangle. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. That was the whole point.

That’s why I get ’em. I practice these principles and carry the message. Help somebody else. So now I gotta look at you from the standpoint of how can I help.

Unity is the body of bringing it here. Recovery is of the mind to work those steps. Having had that experience, I can be of service. How can I help?

Not ’cause I’m a good guy. Got nothing to do with it. ‘Cause I wanna stay sober. See, I don’t think– A lot of people tell me all kind of things when I was new.

Say, Al- Alcoholics Anonymous is about love. Alcoholics Anonymous is about forgiveness. Big one is Alcoholics Anonymous, acceptance, bro. That’s what it’s about.

And I respectfully disagree with all that. I think Alcoholics Anonymous is about staying sober. That’s what it’s about. And if I do the things necessary for the change to come about in my life where I become comfortable living a sober life,

if I do the things that are suggested that can make that happen for me, in order to stay sober, what I bump into all over the place is all kinds of stuff about love and acceptance and forgiveness and all these other things that I knew nothing about, right? That all comes– I mean, it– this goes so far past not just drinking and using, it’s amazing. This is a design for living.

It’s a remarkable experience. It’s a remarkable experience. So if I do all three sides of that triangle, man, trust God, clean house, and help others. Franklin W., Olive Branch, Mississippi.

It’s the first guy I ever heard say that, and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. I had a spiritual awakening when he said it. Whole body started tingling. If they’d have let us testify, I’d have stood up.

I would have, man. I’d have– He said that. He said, “I stumbled upon Alcoholics Anonymous,” pointing six words, those six words being trust God, clean house, help o-others. I just went, “Ha.” ‘Cause that was it.

That guy broke it down, man. That’s what it is, and that’s what doing the steps is about and being of service and getting on your knees and turning your will and your life over to the care of God. You’re hooked up, man. There’s no place else to go.

Me, God, and you. That’s it. I gotta find a way, right– My new sponsor says, “All you gotta do, Earl, is get between these.” Gotta get in there. Just get between those.

‘Cause in between those is right now. There’s nothing else. Now. Y’all all right right now?

Right now. Yeah. Yeah, how about now? Get what I’m saying?

There’s no life anyplace else. There’s nothing real going on but what’s going on right now. This is where the fire is. This is where the passion is.

This is where you can feel the love in your life. This is where you can give the love, give the love. I had it all backwards, man. I thought if I, if I loved you, you would love me.

If I told you the truth, you would tell me the truth. True. Not my experience at all. Much better than that.

The rewards are much better. I once again had everything wrong. If I love you, the reward I get is I become a loving man. If I tell you the truth, the reward is I become a truthful man.

It’s different in the world than I thought it was. It’s different in here than I thought it was. It’s different. I didn’t know that this was where my dignity as a man, my respect for self and others, that my ability to be a friend, my ability to redefine what it means to be a man, that I could be

strong, become strong enough to be gentle with myself and gentle with other human beings, that that’s what a warrior’s about. It’s not about the cutting and the slashing and the burning and the pillaging that I thought it was about. That ain’t what it’s about at all. It’s about being real, being strong, being in the moment, being right here, right now, being able to bring all of who I am to the moment at hand.

That’s what Alcoholics Anonymous gave me back, and that was the thing I tried to get away from all my life, was right here, right now. This is the only place any of us can be and find a God, as far as I’m concerned, ’cause that’s where God is. God is right now God’s not in, uh, not– God’s not in a minute. Now.

And that’s why the meditation has been so important to me, to make it possible for me to not be afraid to just be here now and to be able to look around the room and see my people, my fellows, my family right here, right now. I didn’t know it could happen. I, I’ve got a life.

It’s not beyond my wildest dreams. It’s beyond anything, um, ever that I could ever possibly in a million years come up with. I’m having a very good time. I’m having a good time being Earl.

That was a very hard job a few years back, being Earl, and it’s not a real easy job now, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun ’cause who I got introduced to in here is me. Who you introduced me to is me. And that’s the beauty of this thing, is that you don’t gotta do my thing. Who you gotta meet in here is you.

And I bet you if you do the work, and you peel it away, and you stand before yourself, you will be pleasantly surprised. You will be pleasantly surprised, right? That there’s good in there, and that you can build on that, and you can have peace. The hardest thing I think it is for any alcoholic to find is to find peace, and you can find some peace.

That ease and contentment that we were always looking for. Just to be comfortable standing where I’m standing, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with. I got a sense of family today. I got a sense of community today.

I got a sense of self today. I have some dignity and some self-respect. I’m still a wild, crazy boy. I mean, I always have been, and I always will be.

I’m a bit intense. That’s just how I’ve lived my life, and I like it like that. You go do whatever you wanna do. You wanna be a painter, or you wanna live on a houseboat, or you wanna skydive, or you w– I, who care– You go find what you wanna do, and you go do it.

You go express yourself. You get to do that in here. What we do in here is we trust God, we clean house, and we help others. Those new guys, if you’re new and you’re coming back through that door, and you’re sitting out there thinking, “Yeah, that’s all lovely, but I’m kinda in the mood to possibly kill myself and several of the people around me right now.” My

response to you is perfect. That’s a beautiful way to get here. Bring it on, man. Y-you wanna kill yourself and other people?

Bring it on. I went from victim to assassin f-fifty times a day when I was new. You think we’re not gonna understand? It’s all right.

Bring it in. You angry, hostile, bring it on. You a lying, cheating, thieving, mad maniac, come on. We got a seat for you.

We’re all right with it. You bring… This is– O– What you got here is you got a room full of people that should be dead sitting upright looking at me, pretending that they’re paying attention. That’s what you got.

We end up in jails, institutions, and dead, or we end up here. It’s like those people, we run up to the cliff, man. Normal human being run up to the cliff and get to the edge and go, “The edge,” and they take a step back. People, uh, we run up to the cliff.

We don’t even slow down, man. We just leap- -off the cliff. We end up in jail, we end up dead, we end up in institutions, or we end up landing in Alcoholics Anonymous. The lucky ones.

We’re the lucky ones. I count my blessings every day ’cause this was not my idea. I don’t– I, I’m not one of these ones that thinks I can find his, he can find his way back. I don’t know how I got here in the first place.

How am I gonna find my way back? I don’t know how I got here. It’s how I know there’s a God for me, ’cause the God shots were just one right after another for me, and they keep on coming. I mean, there’s little miracles and little miracles and little miracles, and then you look at your life, and you realize your life’s just one big miracle right along.

I mean, look at it, man. I mean, I got a lot of devastation and, and bad things happen in my life, right? And I’m in a room full of people that I don’t even know, and we’re sitting around, and we’re laughing our asses off, right? We’re laughing at all of it.

The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it. We’re laughing at all of it ’cause the laughter’s the thing that heals us. It heals us. We, we can laugh at ourselves.

I remember a friend of mine called me up one day all freaked out, man. And she said, “I gotta go to a meeting with you.” I said, “Well, I’m speaking in a meeting. Come on, we’ll go.” She came with me. She sat in the back.

I got up and I spoke, and we’re all laughing and carrying on and having a good time. I sit down. We’re driving back in the car. She’s crying the whole time.

We got in the car. She looks at me. She’s crying. She looks.

She says, “You people are sick.” “That’s the most horrible, depressing, terrible story. You’ve had such a horrible life. It’s just so sad and terrible. What are you laughing at?” Three years later, right?

She– I, I’m up speaking at a meeting. She’s in the back laughing her ass off, man. At the same thing. She realized, man, I have not had a terrible life.

I’ve had a remarkable life. I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on any of it. I’ve had an amazing, full, rich life, and I’m just getting going. Alcoholics Anonymous never said to me, “You get sober, and you can, you can, you can have a million dollars a year,” or, “You’re gonna be rich,” or, “You’re gonna be famous,” or, “You’re gonna have this, or you’re gonna have…” Alcoholics

Anonymous never promised me any of that, and I don’t gauge my success in Alcoholics Anonymous on whether or not I got a fine car, money in the bank, a flashy woman, all that kind of crap. It’s all outside stuff. That’s not what this is about. Now, I’m all for money, property, and prestige.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for it. It just can’t come first. This is an inside job, and I gotta do the inside work.

I can, I can die up on the hill in a castle just as easily as I can die down in the gutter, and it don’t mean shit, any of that. In term– When I die, man, and the lights are dimming, I’m not gonna be thinking, “Man, I’m glad I got that Beamer detail today.” I’m not gonna be thinking that. I’m gonna be thinking if I helped more people than I hurt. That’s my goal.

I wanna help more people than I hurt, and Alcoholics Anonymous gave me a way to live and a vehicle to be a part of my community and be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. That’s what Alcoholics Anonymous gave me. They said, “You come in here and, and do all that we ask,” ’cause rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. “You come and do that, and we’ll guarantee you, you will get in the game.

You will be in the game, and you can roll up your sleeves and make happen whatever you wanna have happen. And you’re gonna remember it all. You’re gonna be in the game.” So if you’re new, jump in, man. Jump in.

Jump in the game. Just come on. Come on and check this thing out. Don’t engage in that contempt prior to investigation thing.

Don’t sit there with your arms folded thinking, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,” when I even haven’t tried it. Come in, man. Trust God, clean house, help o- others. See what happens to you.

See what happens. It’s an amazing deal. I wish you peace. Thanks.