Hi, everybody. My name is Earl. I’m an alcoholic. Nice to be here.

What do you say we wrap this up real fast and go to the beach? What do you say, huh? I mean, how complicated could this be? That’s the– I guess the first thing I should say, since we’re gonna talk about the twelve steps, the first thing I should say is, is that, uh, in

my, uh, quest to understand the steps, in my attempt to, to find out what’s going on, what this means, what the big secret is, where the magic is, where the, the, the, um, the, the mysticism that surrounds the twelve steps is. I was seeking this stuff out. I found, uh, many, many teachers in Alcoholics Anonymous who, um, shared with me their experience, their strength, um, and the hope that they found as a

result of working the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, and lot of variations on, on that theme, a lot of different approaches to working the twelve steps. This is just my approach. Now, you– we could meet a year from now, and I could come back to you and say, uh, “Remember that talk on the twelve steps we did down in, uh, Sonora Bay?” And you’d say, “Never mind.” Got

a whole new slant on this thing. And, and, and as far as I’m concerned, I mean, I think that’s the beauty of the deal here, is that there’s worlds within worlds. I mean, the steps, the amazing part about the steps is, is that… I mean, when I came in, and they said, “You know, we got twelve steps that work,” and I went, “Cool.” Read through them, took a good long look, said, “There.

Done them.” And that was, that was my understanding, and that was my experience with the twelve steps. I read these things. There were some concepts, some spiritual principles afoot there, and I thought, “Okay, I’m– I get it. That’s where these people are coming from.

I’ve done the twelve steps. Now what do you wanna do?” But it seems that each time I go through the steps, as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I guess that’s really my, the thrust of my effort at this time in, in my sobriety is, is working this stuff out of the book, um, is that each time I do this, I change.

Each time I do it, my perspective changes, my outlook changes, my understanding of this thing changes, and I peel away another layer of the onion, and it gets a little… I– and then I enter that world within that world, and then that layer gets peeled, and I enter the world within that world. And I come back, I finish step twelve, and I come back, and I, I may go through the steps working them with someone that I sponsor, and I, I’m, and I’m put in the position of being

the teacher, ridiculous as that sounds. Uh, or I may go through them with my sponsor or another individual on the program who’s doing a workshop on the steps, and I’ll go through, and I’ll listen to their perspective on it, and it affects mine. Or as I’m passing it on to this other guy, as we’re talking about it, and he’s raising questions that didn’t even occur to me, and we’re addressing those, I learn as well.

My perspective has changed. And I come back to step one, and I’m looking at step one from a different angle. It’s different now, and I can move on. I remember a point in my sobriety when I c– I, uh, showed up at my, at, at that time, my sponsor’s meeting, um, and there was a seat

right up front, and I slid right in next to a friend of mine. Good, and the meeting started, and they said, “We’re gonna be talking about step one.” And I had about ten years at the time, and I remember thinking, “Pfft. Step one? Come on, you know?

I got step one knocked. I got… You know, I’m gonna waste my time with step one. I mean, I get it.

I got it.” And there was a gentleman standing up there, uh, sitting up there, and his name was, uh, uh, he was Jack Pade. And at the time, he had forty-two years of sobriety. And, uh, he told us that he was at the time currently attending a step study, um, and you had to have twenty-five years of sobriety to go to the step study. So everybody in there had at least twenty-five years of sobriety.

And, uh, you just got this image of these guys men all wearing dark sunglasses, you know, and they all showed up at this meeting, and they had twenty-five plus years, and they all got in the living room and closed the blinds, and, and they took off their sunglasses, and just these light beams just came out of their head, you know. Just super evolved AA guy, right? And that they’d been working the twelve steps every week.

They’d spend an hour and a half together walk– talking about the steps, and they had been, um, they were on step seven, and they had been at it for about eighteen months. It had taken them eighteen months to get from step one up to step seven with twenty-five plus years. And I remember thinking, “Hmm. Maybe I don’t have step one knocked.” And he talked very briefly, about twenty minutes, on step one, and I was back to the drawing board for me.

I mean, the, the approach and the perceptions that this guy had, the level of understanding that he had was just light years beyond anything I’d ever even considered. And that’s– I love that about Alcoholics Anonymous. I love it that there is no graduating. There is no, “That’s done.” I mean, there’s always the opportunity to reinvest, recommit to the path that no matter what place I might find myself…

I mean, life is on life’s terms, and it’s gonna come down the pike the way it’s gonna come down the pike. When I was, when I was brand new, I thought, “Well, you know, when I’m fifteen, I’ll never, um, I’ll never be unhappy again. Um, no one I love will get sick. We won’t die.

Um, you know, no one will betray a trust. I certainly won’t. Um, it will be nothing but the truth. I mean, the– if it comes out of my mouth, it will be undeniable truth.

I’ll– it will just be an amazing experience.” What I failed… What I, what I forgot to, to remember, what I forgot was that, uh, life is on life’s terms. And what happens as I work through this process is that my ability to adjust and alter my attitude, like Paul talks about, is available to me.

I get to choose how I’m gonna approach this stuff as it comes down the path. And during the fifteen years that I’ve been sober, a lot of very, very wonderful, just wonderful things have happened in my life, um, and I’ve been present and available for those things as a result of working the steps. That’s the f-fundamental aspect of, I think, what has improved my life, is working those steps, and then trying to manifest what I’ve learned there in my life.

I’ve also had some pretty, um, unfortunate things happen in my life. I’ve had some– I’ve taken some direct hits along the way, and, um, my attitude about those things and how I’ve survived those things physically, how I’ve survived them emotionally, how I’ve survived them spiritually, has been, uh, the result of using these tools. It has given me an opportunity to look at things in a way that I never thought was possible for a guy like me.

It makes it pos– The steps make it possible for somebody like me to respond to my life as it happens, as opposed to react to it as it happens. So in a nutshell, I don’t think I’m the guy to be getting too carried away with the steps. By the way, I am speaking on the steps by default. I was the last speaker that they called, said, “You know, you’re the only one left who hasn’t picked a topic.” And I said, “Well, what’s everybody else talking about?” And they looked down the list, and I said, “Nobody’s talking about the steps.” The guy

goes, “That’s a great idea.” And I’m in. Oh, I get the steps. Good. All right.

Um, the way I look at it is this. The step– On page thirty in the book, it says that I must accept to my innermost self I am alcoholic, that that’s the first step in recovery. It also tells me on page twenty-five that there’s a solution.

There is a solution to my problem. And it tells me that I’m not gonna like, and it lists three things. I’m not gonna tell you what they are. It lists three things.

It tells you you’re not gonna like doing these three things that are the things that will bring about a successful consummation of this deal. You do these three things because, I mean, uh, uh, when we read the traditions, it says the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. However, if you’d like to stay here- -there’s a few suggestions we’d like to make. You might wanna try to engage this process on these levels.

And the fundamental way that… I mean, that symbol that we have is that circle with a triangle, and we don’t have that symbol anymore, do we? Legally. We will.

We’ve– There’s probably ten people in here wearing it, so, I mean, we still have it, you know, rings, little necklaces, and stuff. Um, that’s an ancient spiritual symbol. It stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being, and therein lies the balance that we seek as, as, as human, drunk or sober. I didn’t have that drunk or sober.

When AA adopted the symbol, it was unity, recovery, and service brought together as a whole human being. It’s the same thing. The unity is the body. I bring it here.

I have to be with you. That’s why trips like this are so valuable to somebody like me, that I get to be with my people. I get to be celebrating my life, celebrating the process, celebrating recovery with other individuals who understand it like no one else on earth, those that are in it. And I, I can’t get sober, but we can.

We do this together. Um, and there’s people in this room that I absolutely love, and, and there’s just no restriction on that. You know what I mean? It’s just I couldn’t, I couldn’t not love them if I wanted to.

You know what I mean? It’s just an amazing connection with other human beings. That’s– I bring the body to you. The recovery is of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease.

And the book tells me how great that, that disease process is, and it tells me that the persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man, is astonishing, and that many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death. There’s a woman in LA that calls me the gate guy. She says, “This guy’s been to the gates of insanity and death.

He’s the gate guy.” And the– And I don’t wanna go there anymore. And it tells me that to get the balance back in my life, to ha– experience the recovery of the mind, to have the obsession to drink removed, to have that voice that Paul talks about, that one of the committee that steps up and says, “You know, the answer to this is a drink,” and does it very quietly in a very cunning, baffling, and powerful way, that voice gets quieted by these other voices that are given the voice of recovery, that are given the voice that the twelve steps bring to a guy like me.

That’s what I have to get in touch with. So I go to the book, which is the text of Alcoholics Anonymous. I go to the book, and the, the Twelve and Twelve, as an example, is, in my opinion, is a fantastic book, and it talks, and it expands on the ideas involved in the twelve steps.

It has– gives a lot of added information and talks a lot about the twelve steps. I think that follows for me, having done the work in the Big Book. The Big Book tells me a lot about them, but it also tells me how to do them, how to do the twelve steps. In the book, so that I address coming in here stone-cold sober, having addressed– having kicked, having addressed the physical aspect, I no longer have the physical phenomenon of craving.

I engage the book, and I start to address the recovery of the mind because at that point it’s not about stopping drinking anymore. I’ve done that. It’s about not starting again. It’s about being able to put one day in line with another day, in line with another day, in line with another day, so that there is an, an uninterrupted

process of recovery that I place down upon the process of my life, so that the two go hand in hand. My life and my recovery become one, and I can move forward from that, from, from whatever point I enter into this process. So I go to the book to study the twelve steps. Step one basically is what’s the problem?

What’s the problem here? I mean, if I don’t really get a firm understanding of what it is I’m dealing with, how am I gonna come up with an effective solution? There’s gotta be a connection there. I mean, I really have to get what it is I’m up against before I can start deciding what I’m– what sort of solution I’m gonna apply to that.

I mean, a screwdriver in and of itself is an excellent solution to a lot of problems. There’s a lot of problems in the world that you can fix with a good screwdriver. However, if you’ve got a flat tire, this isn’t really gonna help a lot. You gotta match ’em up.

You know what I’m saying? You gotta really be able to go, “Okay, we got a flat tire. Screwdriver probably won’t work,” or, “What, what will work for this flat tire?” It’s the same thing with alcoholism. I mean, I have to really get what it is I’m dealing with before I can really address it.

So step one for me is what’s the problem? For me, the book tells me my lack of power is my dilemma. My problem is lack of power, that I am powerless over alcohol, and my whole life’s completely unmanageable as a result of that one thing. That when I take a good long look at my life, I, I haven’t been making the choices for a long time.

The decision’s been made. I wake up, I need alcohol, period, and I’ll do whatever is necessary to get it. Lack of power is my dilemma. That’s my problem.

Well, if lack of power is my problem, what’s my solution to that problem gonna be? Very simple. Step two. Step two tells me the solution to my problem is a power.

If lack of power is my dilemma, power is my solution, and it’s gonna have to be a power greater than myself. So step two tell– And, and I’m, I’m on the couch. I’m not running around, climbing the mountaintops and doing all that stuff. I’ve already done the footwork out there with my disease to answer these questions for myself.

I’m sitting on the couch with a book in my hand, nobody else involved. I’m reading this book, Lack of Power. Based on what you’ve read, the doctor’s opinion, first eight pages of Bill’s story, right? Do you think that you identify?

Um, unfortunately, yes. I’m, I’m with you every step of the way so far, and I’m getting a little depressed about it. You know? Yeah.

So you, you would agree then that, uh, uh, you would admit that you’re powerless over alcohol and your life’s unmanageable as a result of that, that one thing? Yeah, I’d have to agree that that is in fact my problem. Read on, Rob. Keep reading.

All right. Talks a lot in the book about that, you know, can you accept that it’s gonna take a power greater than you? I mean, left to your own devices, where you ended up? You ended up in AA.

It wasn’t on your list of things to do, was it? No. No, it wasn’t. Okay, so you’ve ended up here.

Can you accept that? Can you come to believe that, that it’s gonna take a power greater than you to restore you to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve you of the obsession to drink? ‘Cause what we’re dealing with here is we’re dealing with how you’re gonna not start again, how you’re not gonna buy into that illusion, that belief in the lie that you could have a couple of drinks, that you can drink like a normal man, that it’s not the minute you drink you don’t give up the power of choice.

Yeah. Yeah, I, I, so I believe that’s true. So I’m sitting on the couch with my book, and I’ve already known what my problem is. I’ve accepted what my problem is.

I’ve accepted what my solution to that problem is gonna have to be, and nothing’s really changed. I said when- You know, what you’re gonna have to do here is you’re pro– you’re read on– you’re probably gonna have to make a decision to do something about this. Probably gonna take some action on your part to bring about this solution in your life.

‘Cause you’re reading about it, and you’re talking about it, but you’re not experiencing the solution yet, and we’re experiential kinda people. That’s why Alcoholics Anonymous works so beautiful ’cause we come from down in here, not up here. We’re not from the head. We come from the gut.

And that’s why I would– when guys would walk up to me out there when I was drinking, they’d say, “You know, Earl, I read this book. And according to this book, I’d say, you know, you got a drinking problem, pal.” They seem to feel it’d be something along the lines of alcoholism here, and when I get going. I’d say, uh, “Do you drink?” They’d say, “Well, no. No, no, I don’t.

I just read this book.” “So you have no experience with this, is what you’re saying to me. You’ve never sat in this seat.” They say, “Well, no, actually, no.” And I’d say, “Go away. Get away from me. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” In here, I listen to the people that have had the experience.

I go to a meeting. I sit in the back. I hate everybody. I’m brand new.

I notice the differences and not the similarities between myself and others. And some guy gets up at the podium and shares his experience, his strength, and his hope, and I identify. That guy knows about me. He has the same experience.

So that’s where I live. It’s gotta be about the experience. I’ve gotta have the experience. And the steps get that.

It’s, it’s built right into that. They– When, when the steps, when, when the steps were written, it was known. They’re gonna have, they’re gonna have– These steps are gonna have to be designed to bring about an experience ’cause nothing else is gonna work for these people. They knew who we were.

They were us. So they said, “Okay, you’re gonna have to make a decision to do something that’s gonna bring this experience about in your life. So you’re gonna have to make a decision to do something.” Luckily, that was the very next step. And what I was asked to do is to get down on my knees, say the third step prayer, and turn my will and my life over to the care of God in that process.

This frightened me. I thought, “You know, they’re getting a little…” You know, I could feel this process kind of accelerating. You know what I mean? So far, I’m just on the couch reading.

Yeah, that’s the problem. Uh-huh. That’s probably gonna have to be the solution on it. Now you– Now I have to get down on my knees?

I have to turn my will and my life over to the care of God? Hmm. Well, better not hesitate. Better just do it.

Down on the knees, take a deep breath, say the third step prayer, get back up on the couch. I’m a little nervous, but I’m all right. I’m back on the couch. I haven’t let anybody in the room yet.

I can deny it later if I need to. What I’ve come to discover is, is that that is a huge step. I mean, I can’t kill myself anymore.

It’s not my life to take. Turn it over to God. I’ve removed that option. Very up– I was very upset about that.

And on and on and on. But I mean, and, and then I, and I read on the book, and I go, “Okay, third step.” Right after that comes in what I think is one of the, the, one of the examples of the great sense of humor in Alcoholics Anonymous. It says, and I’m paraphrasing, and it says right after I get back up on the couch having done my third step, it says, “We hope you were very serious about that.” It’s

like, “Oh, now you tell me.” There’s no sliding on these people at all. Um, because you see, it’s just you’ve done one, two, three. Drinking at this point is very easy to do. Very easy to do.

If you’re gonna bank it all on the first three steps, you’re in trouble. Basically was the message I was getting. You have to embark upon a plan of rigorous action right now, or this is just a– it’s worthless. All you’ve done is, is for naught.

I said, “Fine. What’s this rigorous action plan that’s gonna bring this solution about my life?” There’s no satisfying these people, you know? You figure you do three steps, you take a couple of years off, you go to meetings. You know?

No. Immediately now I have to, I don’t know, rigorous– I mean, what have I gotten myself into? This is ridiculous, right? I got a life to live, right?

Yeah, like I’d been living a life up to this point. I mean, I love– You know what I mean? I, I love the attitude. I love the attitude, and I’m, and I’ll– I hope I never forget the attitude of being now.

I’m– Of being new. How indignant I could become at the drop of a hat. What do you mean action plan? People need to calm down.

Okay, I’ll do it. What is this action plan? Well, there– And, and you have to understand, though, there’s variations on this part of it. I mean, a lot of people, a lot of people figure it’s this many steps.

Other people say this many steps. I have my way of breaking it down. The only way I break– And, and I don’t disagree with the different approaches to this at all. What I love is when alcoholics get together, and they start to argue about the right way to do the steps.

And you get four or five guys in a room that absolutely disagree on how you’re supposed to do these steps. You got a, you know, some guy over here with forty years going, “For Christ’s sake, you people don’t know what you’re doing.” And you got a guy over here with, with six years that just, you know, was, was a book Nazi from six months on going, “I disagree completely with that. That’s old thinking.” Da, da, da, da, da, you know.

And I sit there, and I love it. I love that. I go, “Look at this. Bunch of completely insane alcoholics and dope fiends arguing about a spiritual path.” This is a great problem.

I, I love this problem, you know? Look what we’ve gotten into. Look what we’re arguing about, you know? Of course, we’re all still self-righteous, and everybody has to be right.

This is the way. Okay. That’s the way. But I like this way too, and I like that way too, and I’m gonna look at all of them ’cause I don’t– It’s, this ain’t about being right.

It’s about staying free. So there’s lots of different ways. The way I do it, the way I’m gonna talk about it today is out of respect for the individuals who passed it on to me this way ’cause love them beyond life. Four through nine.

Step four, I sit down and I do an, uh, um, a fearless and searching moral inventory. I mean, I got this inventory that I do. How do I do an inventory? What do I do?

A lot of people say, “Well, we’ve got a hundred and sixty-seven questions on a big thing that pulls out that’s too big for me to hold up.” “We got this one, and we got…” Hey, just get rid of the garbage. Just get rid of the garbage. Write the garbage down. Write the lies down.

Write the secrets down. You know, they got that approach. Me personally, uh, I’m gonna go today with the one in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous ’cause I figure that’s the bad boy right there. That’s the good one.

‘Cause no matter who you’re talking to that says to you, “You know your fourth step?” Say, “Yeah, I did the one out of the book.” They’ll go away. Just gets, gets them right off your back, that one, no matter who you’re talking to, right? The, uh, um, and the fourth step in– as outlined in the Big Book is I do a four-column inventory on resentment, fear, and sex. I do essentially three mini inventories, four columns each.

An example of a fourth step on resentment, I resent, write the name of the individual, column one. As an example, I’m not gonna get into all the stuff. We wanna get out of here. It’s nighttime.

That’s it. What the specific resentment is in column two. What areas of my life were affected, column three. I suggest that there are seven examples in the example given and in the text of the book on the fourth step that I can use to cover major aspects of my life, like self-esteem, pride,

um, personal relations, sexual relations, ambition, pocketbook, um, like that. And the fourth column is the column, the real brain twister for us, because if I have a resentment, I resent you, you did this to me. I get to column four, and it says, “Soro, what was your part in it? Where were you selfish, self-cen- self-seeking, prideful, or dishonest?” And we write this down in black and white.

So I write down where I was, you know, “Well, I was, I was dishonest,” and I write a little sentence saying precisely how and, and what manner I was dishonest. I do that on resentment. I do it on fear. Interesting thing about the fear inventory for me is that when I also get into the Twelve and Twelve and, and step seven of the Twelve and Twelve, it talks about self-centered fear is the chief

activator of all my defects of character. Either I’m gonna lose what I’ve got– I’m afraid I’m gonna lose what I’ve got, or I’m not gonna get what I want. I’m afraid of rejection and abandonment, and I’ve been able to, in doing my fear and when I’ve done fear inventories, I’ve been able to reduce my fear inventory to two things. I am basically– I mean, every fear that I list I can either attribute to a fear of being rejected or a fear of being abandoned.

Everything. Everything. And that makes a, that makes a very interesting effect on my life because what’ll happen is I’ll find myself walking through life. This is an example of how this manifests, how this process manifests in your life.

I’ll find myself moving around in the world, and somebody will come up to me and confront me on some level. They wanna challenge me on this or that or the other thing. And all of a sudden, I’m fr– It’s, I– And they frighten me. They frighten me.

I just gotten a little frightened. I’m feeling a little defensive suddenly ’cause I really don’t know what’s going on here. I used to be able to throw up a wall of fear. Just a wall of fear would go up.

I’d throw a wall up between me and that individual, and I’d just lob stuff across the wall till they’d go away. You know? I’d either become hostile, you know, throw stuff over the wall, you know, or I’d become very passive and just fine with it, you know, just throw a little passivity across the wall. You know what I mean?

Or I’d just clam up and throw silence over the wall, you know, till they would go away, and I’d think, “Good, they’re gone,” you know? And then I’d go put them on my resentment list. Just loop it right back around, you know? But when you do it, when you really look at it, the inventory work on the fear like that, and you realize that all you’re afraid of is abandonment and rejection.

I’m afraid of those things. And somebody walks up and scares you, and you just throw those two little things out there, it doesn’t throw the wall up. You’re not protected from them anymore. And all of a sudden, you stand there and go, “Well, does this scare me?

What– You know, I’m afr- I’m afraid of being rejected here. I’m afraid of being abandoned.” And it just becomes very manageable and very workable, and I can own my own feelings. I can be responsible for how I’m feeling, not throw up a wall between me and this person, and I can engage them in an honorable manner. I can apologize or make amends if that’s necessary right on the spot, save myself more inventory work.

I can, I can take care of business. I can, I can not get defensive. They can say, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,” and I say, “Okay.” They say, “You don’t want to argue about it?” I say, “No, I’m not gonna– I’m not gonna. There’s no need to defend myself here.

I’m not gonna do it,” and move on. Now, to understand this is a goal. You know, you may find me throwing up walls quite a bit on this trip. Who knows?

But the idea is, is that I have something to work towards. I have a better understanding of how to function in my life based on the principles put here. So anyway, so I write this inventory on resentment, fear, and sex. Why those areas?

Because if I want to look at the nature of my disease and the patterns that have developed in my life, there are no, there are no better areas to look at if I want to see the patterns. It’s how I engage with other human beings on an intimate level, how I react to the fear within me, right? And how I develop these resentments, the number one offender, I mean, it’s the big killer, the thing that kills us, more of us than anything else, that resentment that drives us back into drinking at this one or that one or that thing. Then I take this.

Now, again, I haven’t really dealt with anybody in this stuff. I’m still on the couch writing this inventory, and I finish this. I gotta do step five. I gotta make a call.

Gotta make a call. Someone actually comes into the house and sits down. I, before God, I read this inventory to this other individual. The secret’s are out.

And the amount of energy that I’ve got in keeping those things within gets dissipated tremendously. It just lessens the power that I’ve put in this stuff in my life, just in that one act. That person then gets up and says, “Nice job. Later.” I sit alone for an hour.

I reflect upon how these first five steps. How am I doing? Is my house in order? And so I keep going.

Flip the page and go to six and seven in the book. One very brief paragraph on each. My belief on that is, is that’s because they know that if, if they’ll let me, I’ll hang with six and seven for years ’cause I don’t wanna go anywhere near eight and nine.

I’m avoiding those. What are you doing? Well, I’m, I’m making sure that I’m humbly asking and I’m becoming willing, is what I’m doing. Becoming willing to remove defects of character in this and deepening the willingness that I’m having here.

How long you been working on this? About seven years now. A very deep willingness that’s happening with me. Wouldn’t wanna be just kind of willing.

I wanna be very, completely willing and I, I– right now I’m, I’m very willing, but I’m not completely willing. I’m– We’re gonna get to the completeness of the willingness to, to the defect. I’m, I’m working on the difference between, uh, um, the defects of character and, and, and it’s important. I’m gonna stay right here.

They– One little thing, right? Basically, what I’m gonna do in six and seven is I’m gonna hook it back up with God. That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna hook it back up with God.

I’m not gonna get into– I mean, my understanding is defects of character, shortcoming, same thing. Bill never liked to use the same word twice. Wasn’t about doing a step. Same thing.

And the humility to ask for the defects to be re– God removes them instead of me ’cause I’ll remove the wrong stuff. I’ll keep the stuff I like, give up the stuff that’s causing me a little problem. Not a good idea. Give it to God.

Let God do it. I’ll remove the wrong stuff. Uh, humility in my opinion is just a willingness to learn, to accept a new idea, to accept a new way of looking at things. So I do that.

Eight and nine, I’m gonna hook it back up with you. Now, there’s a lot of conversation in the book about eight and nine because what they’re gonna do is they’re gonna let me out of the house for the first time. They’re gonna actually have me go engage other human beings in a brand-new way. So there’s a great deal of conversation ’cause they want to be very, very clear with me before they let me out of the house.

So I make a list, all these people that I’ve, I owe an amends to of any nature. And then they say, “Okay, well, go do it.” And I walk out of the house and I just say, “I’m very, very sorry. Here’s your money. Goodbye.” And I go back in the house immediately because my tendency– I mean, when I was brand new and I read that, I thought, “Oh, I gotta make amends to these people,” and I was running out apologizing

to everybody. I had a few months of sobriety and I would run into somebody that I had dealt with out there and I’d say, “You know what? I’m really sorry I acted that way.” And I was still real tied up in, “Okay, now you’re gonna tell me now that, oh, this is great that you’re in AA. You’re gonna give me the support that I need.” I was real invested in the response of the other person, which has absolutely nothing to do with a step.

Nothing. That’s none of my business what that person does with it. My job is to clean my side of the street, not to get into trying to control or manipulate some very, very clever- Little fancy way what you do with it on your side of the street.

I need to stay out of that. Stay out of that. So I go out, I make my amends, and I get back in the house. I got three steps to go.

I’m smoking now. Things are good. All I got left is ten, eleven, and twelve. In my opinion, some people call them, uh, maintenance steps, but I think that that word’s a little deceptive ’cause I don’t think that…

I, in my opinion, um, I don’t stand still ever. I’m either moving forward or I’m moving back. So I really kind of attempt to maintain the position I’m at is confusing. So I call them growth steps.

They, they allow me to continue to grow in the process. Ten, eleven, and twelve is me, God, and you. There’s nobody else to play with, and those are the relationships I fucked up. I mean, I’ve done the– I’ve dealt with large chunks of truth about Earl.

I’ve accepted my problem. I’ve accepted my solution. I’ve made a decision to do something about that by turning my will and my life over to care of God and embarking upon a plan of action. I’ve, I’ve, in, in, in four and five, swallowed large chunks of truth about myself, about the nature of the disease and how it’s manifested in my life.

I’ve hooked it back up with God in six and seven. I’ve hooked it back up with you in eight and nine, and I began to function in a completely different manner. Ten is me, eleven is God, and twelve is you. There’s no one else to play with.

These are the relationships that I’ve hooked back up. I’m no longer this isolated, out– dying alcoholic. I’ve connected myself. I’ve hooked back up.

And to maintain the nature of those relationships, I gotta do ten, eleven, and twelve. Ten is me. I gotta keep my side of the street clean, and when I’m wrong, I gotta promptly admit it. I gotta do personal inventory, continue to do that, but take a look ’cause I’m changing as I’m in this process.

I’m growing, and I’m imperfect. I’m fallible. I still am affected by fear. I’m still affected by doubt, the great hindrances of life.

I still react inappropriately. The defects of character flare as a result of self-centered fear. I’m a work in process, right? I’m not the polished diamond.

I’m, you know, I’m still more like coal, you know? And it’s gonna– And I’m, I’m one of the slow ones. I mean, I didn’t open my mouth in here for the first two and a half years. Never took a chip.

I didn’t take a cake till I was three years sober. I mean, I moved slow through this deal. And I’ve gotta keep working on the process, and I need step ten so that when I screw up, and I will, when I function based on, on aspects of self that are, um, less than I would like, as opposed to the higher level that I’ve learned from Alcoholics Anonymous, when

I function from that lower level, I need to have the opportunity to immediately clean that up. And that’s why the word “promptly” is in step ten. I need to continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it. And that’s not to make me a good guy.

That’s to keep me alive. It’s vital to my recovery because if I don’t do it promptly, I’ll develop resentments, and they will fester within me and poison me, and I will lose sight of the thing that’s most precious in my life, which is my sobriety and my ability to do the things in my life on a daily basis, which is work all three sides of that triangle: the unity, the recovery, and the service.

I mean, I lose sight of those things, and I’ll die. I’m a low bond, I’m a hope to die, dope-fiend alcoholic. I will die. Step eleven is my relationship with God.

I see it as one of the growth steps, but I also see it as an action step, as a part of the action plan, and that’s where a lot of people feel that the action plan goes all the way through from four on. Um, but this was the way it was taught to me. And if you wanna argue about it, I’d love to. Because I think that’s a great debate.

A bunch of dead people walking around arguing about a spiritual path. It’s terrific. But eleven is that I seek God. It’s an action step.

I seek God. The action is mine. I seek God. I don’t sit around saying, “Show your face, and then I’ll believe.” No.

I seek God. How do I seek Him? How do I seek God? Do I sit in my room and think about it?

Well, uh, the book tells me that I seek God through prayer and meditation. What do I pray for? That step tells me that I pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. That’s it.

No more cutting deals. No more making promises. No more you get me out– Like the old ones, you get me out of this, and I’ll never do this again. You get me out of this, and I’ll never do this again.

Right? And I made lots of those, and I never kept my end of the deal. So there’s– I don’t see any reason why God would be interested in cutting a deal with me. Never honored one yet.

Why would I start now? So I pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. The power will come from God, a Power greater than myself, not me. I mean, it’s a different way of thinking completely.

When you look at the Seven-Step Prayer, and it talks about how victory over these problems will bear witness, right? What I, what I love about that is that I don’t get relief from my problems so that I feel better. I get relief from my problems so that other people can see the value of the pow– of a Power greater than oneself. That’s the point of that.

Anyway, that’s what I pray for, knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Why do I want– Why do I meditate? To quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. You know, as Paul talked about, I mean, it gets very busy up here, you know?

A lot of voices, everybody talking at once, and it’s not very quiet. You know what I mean? And God will chime in w-with the answer to the thing I’ve meditated on. And it’s, you know, uh, “We’ll be with you in a minute.

We’re having a little debate down here.” You know? It’s very self-centered and self-contained. It’s to quiet it down so that the answers can come. And I– And my personal experience is, is that that is One of the remarkable spiritual truths about this process is that that’s, that’s a stone-cold

fact in my experience. That when I meditate, when I quiet the mind, the answers do come. They come quietly. They come effortlessly.

The information is there. Step twelve is the third side of the triangle, service. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, the promise, the solution that was talked about in step two for me has come true. The obsession to drink is gone.

It’s no longer there. It’s not there. I mean, every once in a while, a thought will float by. You know, I’ll drive by a billboard, and they’ll be selling some new thing, Zima or something, you know?

And I’ll think, “You know, they didn’t have that when I was drinking. I’d love a Zima. That looks… Look, it’s even clear.

How harmful could a clear thing like that be?” Doesn’t even have any color. It’s like harmless. In fact, it looks like a water, water with the little bubbles. And Zima, it’s like, “That’s nice, Zima.” And my head will do a little dance to that, you know?

But there’s another… There’s four other guys sitting there going, “Would you listen to this idiot?” You know what I mean? I’m already busted. And I drive by, and I laugh at myself, and I go on.

The obsession, that driving undeniable need on, on the deepest of levels to go get a Zima isn’t there. It’s just not there. So having had that spiritual awakening, the relief from the obsession to drink, I can practice the principles and

carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. I can be of service. I can turn around and give it away. I approach people now from the standpoint of how can I help?

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m walking around saying, “How can I help?” because I’m a good guy. It’s got nothing to do with it. I’m walking around saying to people how…

And if somebody says, “Can I talk to you?” and I say, “Yes,” I’m saying yes because I wanna stay sober. I’m saying yes because I don’t wanna die. I’m saying yes because that’s what my sponsor told me works, and because I’ve stayed here long enough, I no longer have to just make a conscious decision to trust what my sponsor is saying.

I have the experience that that is in fact the case for me. I do that, and I walk away. I stop to be of service to another human being. I do…

When it’s inconvenient, when it’s convenient, I t- when we’re done, I turn around, I walk away. I feel better. I feel a little more centered. I feel more connected because I’ve taken the time to connect with another human being, not somebody who’s less of an A.A.-er than I am because they’re coming to me

with a problem, not with somebody who’s less than me in some way because they have less time. That’s not what it’s about. But because so– it’s the, just their turn in the barrel. I will get mine.

I had mine when we were together, uh, on one of these trips, and we were in a Lutheran. I was in the barrel. I was in the barrel, and I sought the counsel of my elders on that trip, and I got fed, and I made some big changes in my life, and my life is fundamentally different now than it was three months ago.

I mean fundamentally in terms of the nature of my relationships, the nature of my work, the nature of my health, the nature of the degree of respect I show to myself as well as others. It has changed fundamentally. I got life on life’s terms.

But the beauty, the good news is the victory is there. The coming through the other side, the being back in the light is there as a result of these steps. I cannot impress upon you enough the impact that those steps have had on my life. And, and, it, it, it affects how I listen.

It affects how I feel. It affects the thought processes in my mind. It affects every choice that I make. It makes it possible for me to listen to a guy like Dr.

Paul talk on the podium and recognize what in fact is in front of me. One of my heroes. I didn’t have any heroes when I got here, right? Why is he a hero?

Because I think that the most difficult thing in the world to be on a consistent basis is kind. It’s a very difficult thing to be because my kindness has always been contingent upon how you behave. If you’re kind to me, I’ll be kind back. If you’re mean to me, I’ll back yaw.

The kindness will dip. But when you see people walking around in the world who have made a conscious decision to be kind human beings, and when you walk up to them and are kind to them, they’re kind. And then you walk up to them and, and you’re inappropriate with them, and they’re kind. You walk up to them and, and you’re downright rude, and they’re kind.

That’s amazing to somebody like me. It’s absolutely amazing that, that, that a process like this could be internalized and create that kind of freedom in a human being. And I see them walking around. I mean, I’ve got them in A.A.

all around me. The late, great Donald Madden was, was the, the big one for me. I mean, he was just… That was an amazing gift to ever be able to be around a guy like that.

And the gift of the steps for me was is that I was able to experience him, him on a level that I could internalize and use in my life, that I could meet a guy like Paul. Johnny’s here. Um, I, last weekend I was in Vancouver talking, and, and I, and I met Angie D. for the first time, and we got to spend some time together and break some bread and have a little time.

It’s a re- it’s a remarkable human being. And I meet this woman, and I think, “What an incredible person,” the light and the energy in this woman. And then I hear her story. And I’m in tears because I reali– because, because of my own story and what I’ve been through, I know what it took for that human being to get from where she started to where

she is today. That that process is phenomenal, and the central core component of that path, that process, that line, was working those twelve steps. So if you’re new, it’s real, real simple. You got the problem, step one.

You got the solution, step two. You got the decision to embark upon a plan of action that’s gonna bring that solution about in your life, four through nine. Up for discussion and debate as to whether it’s just that. Then you got ten, eleven, and twelve.

That’s you, God, and others. That’s gonna keep you in that process and in that game and constantly– and it, it affords you the opportunity to reinvest in the steps and reinvest in the steps and reinvest in the steps and become centered and committed to this path. It is one day at a time, but obviously the goal is, is to die that way, to string those day at a times together.

But putting the time together is important. If that, if that’s not true, I say we drink on Fridays. Friday would be good for me. Friday would be good for me.

You know, because then you could come back to me and, and, and I’m, you know, I’d be healed up on Saturday, you know, recovered pretty fully on Sunday for that very short period of time that I was able to just drink on Friday, which I figure is two weeks, top. And when I see you on Monday, and you say, “How you doing?” I’ll say, “Sober all day. Been sober all day.” I think that there’s a…

Yes, it is one day at a time. That is how we accomplish the goal. The goal is one day at a time until I die. That’s the idea.

That’s the stuff that Bill Wilson talked about. The idea here is to die sober. That is the goal we’re shooting for. How do you accomplish that?

One day at a time. One day at a time. I get to bed tonight sober, I win. I win.

If you’re new, dive in. There’s people walking around in here that don’t speak a lot. They’re not real visible. They don’t, you know…

But if you sit and have conversations with people at lunch and dinner and by the pool and after the meetings and socialize a little bit, you’ll find people in here that are not that high profile, that aren’t that visible, that are r- immersed in the process and are more than happy to share it with you. And, and, and just jump in. You don’t have to know what’s going on.

You don’t have to get it right. You don’t have to, to be well-read about it. Just jump in and start to grapple with the concept. Jump in and start to grapple with it and try to apply it to yourself and see what happens.

You get it wrong, you get it wrong, you get it wrong, you get it wrong, and all of a sudden you’re standing in the light. All of a sudden it’s there. And you know what Millie’s talking about. You know what Cookie’s talking about.

You know what Steve’s talking about. You know what Guy’s talking about. You know what Paul and Max are talking about. And you see that the reason that these people function in the honorable, respectful manner that they do is because they’re in the game.

They’re in the process. Could there be any questions?