Get over there. Sit down. Bunch of heathens.

I’m Earl. I’m an alcoholic. Hi, Earl. Hi, everybody.

Good morning. And, uh, thank you, Don, for, uh, last night as well as this morning. Uh, you got the gift, man. It’s, uh, it’s a great thing that you share with us the way that you do.

It’s inspiring. Thank you very much. And I’m looking forward to … Yeah.

And looking forward to celebrating your birthday with you tomorrow. Mm-hmm. Okay? We have to go on a watch tonight.

We all gotta, like, keep an eye on him now. He’s given us a glimpse of what goes on in there. We need to keep an eye on him- … so we can get him to that 25, and we can all breathe s- breathe a little relief there.

A little sigh of relief. Um, so the, uh … What am I gonna talk about? I was walking on the…

walking over here with a bunch of ne’er-do-wells. And, uh, they said, “What are you gonna talk about?” And I said, “I don’t know.” You know? “I don’t know.” And, uh, I said, “What do you guys want me to talk about?” And, uh, there were a couple of highly inappropriate suggestions. So I stopped asking those guys.

And, uh, and, uh, the people whoever listen to this are gonna think, “What the hell are those guys doing out in the woods there?” Okay? When I said it… ‘Cause the next thing was is that on the break after we listened to Don, um, I was, uh, standing in the women’s bathroom with Scott. Woo.

And, uh, he, he just sa- he said, “You know, we got a lot… We got guys from the treatment centers. We got, uh, a few guys, you know, and we got a few guys under 30 days. We got, you know, a good, good, good slice of the community we have here this weekend are people that are new to the game.” Um, and,

uh, Clark’s here. Clark’s got 53 days. All right. Right?

All right. And, uh, and I was talking to Clark immediately following talking to Scott. And I thought, “Okay, uh, I know what I’m gonna talk about for the newcomer.” For the newcomer. Um, it says in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that ours is a code…

Love and tolerance toward others is our code. Love and tolerance towards others. And I gotta tell you, um, I had not given others a single thought for a long, long, long, long time before I got here.

And when exposed to the idea or some of the concepts that are afoot here, like getting out of self, out of self, service to others, these ideas were, were intriguing as a faraway concept of something I might wanna think about. But the thought of actually doing something like this was completely foreign to me. I remained in the capsula- the capsulization of my illness.

I was self-centered and afraid when I got here. My tools for living had been taken from me. My tools for livings, for living were drugs, alcohol, violence, and run. Those were my tools.

And when I got here, I couldn’t drink or use anymore. I couldn’t fight. I didn’t have another fight left in me, and I, I, I had nowhere to run. I had nowhere to run.

This is the last house on the block. And what was I gonna do when knowing in my heart of hearts that I ha- I, I, I… No more play, man. There was no more play in the rope.

My way of doing things had been beaten to death. I had no way to be in the world, and I didn’t know how to do the simplest of things. And my first thought to follow that was, “And I can’t let you know that.” Just I can’t let you know.

I mean, if I told you… I knew when I was new. If I told you who I am, who I really am, if I told you the things that I’ve done, you’ll ask me to leave because you look like reasonable people, and that’s what reasonable people would do. I was so ashamed.

I suffered from a thing they refer to as survivor’s guilt, and that being in a plane crash and everybody dies but me, and I’m thinking I don’t have a right to be alive. Forget be happy, enjoy my life. I don’t have a right to be here. I had such a self-loathing going on.

I would wake up in the mirror and, and say things to myself that, uh, have been suggested to me we don’t say here on this weekend. There’s no profanity here. But let’s just say it was… I wasn’t being nice to myself.

I had a very low opinion of myself. There was a lot of s- hatred and self-loathing going on. And I’m sitting in the back of meetings hating myself and, uh, with the understanding that I’ve got somehow have to fight for my life at the same time. To feel like I don’t have a right to be here but be put in a position to have to fight for my life, it’s a very strange conflict to find oneself in.

And to feel that e- everything about my life, my society, my culture, uh, says that a man like me, I don’t tell you the truth about how I’m feeling. When, you know, where I come from, men, we talk about our wallets and our genitals, you know? And we lie about both.

And to talk openly and honestly about my feelings as a man is a very foreign proposition. And to feel that, that all th- that the code that I will come to follow is, is that, uh, love and tolerance… And I love the fact that it’s love and tolerance.

It’s like, man, they knew exactly who they were talking to, right? For e- the rest of the world, it’s love. Love. Us, love and tolerance.

‘Cause I’m so naturally intolerant of self and intolerant of others as a result. I, I can’t cut anybody any slack. Everything– My mind works to separate me from you. You know, I’ll be li- uh, listening so that I can find some way to discount what you have to say rather than try to find some way to connect to you.

Find some way to go, “Okay, well, I, I, that, I love that. Let’s hook up on that right there.” Not me. That’s not the way I function. So as a new person coming in, these ideas that get thrown around the wor- around in the room, um, are incredibly threatening

to somebody like me. It’s not that even so much that they’re, they’re f- they’re foreign or I don’t understand. That’s threatening enough that y- you guys are talking about stuff that I don’t get, I have no experience with, I don’t know how to do this at all. To me, it’s words coming out of your mouth.

Some of them are hitting and sticking maybe, but some– most of them are just bouncing off me. I don’t get this. That’s threatening in the sense that if this is the last house on the block and my life is on the line about being here, and I don’t understand what you’re talking about, I’m screwed. This is not, not going well immediately right?

I’m so afraid. And I have to do it in the company of others, right? That I’m, I’m so isolated and now I’m going to have to connect on some level. It’s all so foreign to me.

So if you’re new and you’re thinking, “You know, AA’s nice, and I’m glad they invited me to this little special gathering, but, uh- “… I’m just gonna just sit back here and quietly devise a way to kill myself and several other people.” My thinking is, “Perfect.” “Good for you.

You’re right on track.” If every other thought in your head is no- … perfect. A f- few of us come in and go, “Uh-huh, uh-huh. Great.

Wow, lovely. Yeah, yeah, I’m in. Good. Cool.” You know?

It’s most of it, it’s like, “Are you ki- are you kidding me?” “You kidding?” I remember seeing a guy who’d never read, uh, a, how it works, and he got up at a meeting and he was reading how it works. And he got to the ninth step, right? And he’s just re– I mean, you can see he’s reading it and as he’s reading he’s going, you know, “And rarely have we seen a person.

Well, that’s interesting. You know, constantly incapable. Well, hope that’s not me. All right.” I mean, when he gets to the ninth step and he says, you know, “May direct a man’s …” “Have you seen this?” “Are

you kidding?” Right? It was just like, “Hold it.” Completely understa– I fell on the floor. I thought, “That– I love that guy.” And I mean, it’s the thinking. It’s, it’s you look– Where you find our genius is you find our genius in those areas of our– where we try to avoid this.

My favorite guy ever in the history of AA, there’s a guy, a guy working central office, Alcoholics Anonymous. The phone rings, picks up the phone, says, “Alcoholics Anonymous. Can I help you?” The woman says, “Uh, y- yes. My name is, uh, Louise.

And, uh, I’d like to know how long your waiting list is.” And the guy in the central office goes, “What are you talking about? What are you talking…” Goes, “Well, my husband, Harry, is an alcoholic, and I have told Harry, ‘If you continue to drink the way that you are drinking, I am leaving you, and I want you to go to Alcoholics Anonymous immediately.’ I came home this afternoon and Harry said to me, ‘Honey, I have called Alcoholics Anonymous, but they’re full.'” “However, I am on the waiting list and I’ll let you know as soon as there’s an opening.” So she was calling to find out…

And I, I tell that story every once in a while in the county hoping someday a hand’s gonna go up somewhere and Harry’s gonna go, “Right here. That was me.” Glad to see we made room for you, Harry. So what, uh, uh, I gotta know… So as a newcomer, I had to find out, just give me the basics.

Give it to me real simple. Give me the basics. Don’t offer me too many ways of looking at it. Just give me, “Earl, go meeting, go home,” you know?

Get it really simple because there’s already way too much going on in here, you know? I mean, it’s just crazy the thoughts that roll through my head nonstop. And it doesn’t take anything to trigger them. Just, you know, something shiny in the corner of my eye.

You know, just, you know? And I- You know what I mean? I, my attention span is limited. And as an, uh, and, and so I gotta keep it simple.

I have to know, like, what am I doing here? Why here? Why this? Why me?

What’s, what’s the basic of that a- as a new guy? For me, it’s this: I’m not here to stop drinking. I c– I sto– I can stop drinking every two, three hours. You know what I mean?

I can’t tell you how many times I was out there, and as my head was heading for the table, I would say, “This has got to stop.” But every time my head would come back up off the table, I had a whole new agenda. You know? My God, if I’m not mistaken, I just had a feeling.

I, I gotta drink. All right. Get that to go away. Whoo.

You know? So, uh, so I can stop drinking. I’m great at that. Wanna stop?

Let’s– you wanna stop? Let’s stop drinking right now. I can do it. But the th-th– that’s not the, the goal here for me.

The goal here is not to stop drinking. The goal here is, how do I not start again? How do I not start again? That’s the trick for me.

I always start again. How do I not start again? And the only way I’ve found for me to not start again is I’ve got to get comfortable sober. I’ve gotta find a way to get comfortable sober.

And the only way I can get comfortable sober is to be relieved of the obsessive nature of my mind, my thinking as it relates to my alcoholism. The, the, the persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man is astonishing. Many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death. I talked about that last night.

The– that’s the thing that I have to focus on for myself as a newcomer is that I wanna learn how to stay stopped. I wanna find the tools that make it possible for me to be comfortable sober because I am not. With the obsession of the mind in full effect, having kicked alcohol and drugs, I c– which as, a-as, as a practicing alcoholic, right, I’m out there drinking and using.

The thing that I fear the most is the kick, the detox. I think I’ve avoided… I’ve, I drank for two years just to avoid it. Not ’cause I was having any fun drinking, but just that I was convinced however bad it was out there drinking and using, detoxing was worse, right?

So I end up and I detox. Now, it’s my nature when– after I’ve detoxed to think, “Well, things have improved tremendously.” And that’s the c– I, I noticed that going into treatment centers and talking. I ask them a question. They’ll be sitting in there, they’re in treatment, and I’ll say, “Okay, how many people in this treatment facility have been in here over a week?” And, you know, like two-thirds of the hands will go up.

I go, “Out of that group, how many of you have, while you’ve been here, awakened one morning and thought without any concern about the thought, ‘You know, I believe I’ve overreacted.'” “I feel great. I feel much better.

S– getting a little sleep again, you know, able to hold down food. Body functions are returning to normal. I’m on the mend. I feel good.

Holding my hand up, it’s not sh– it’s barely shaking at all. I’m doing fantastic, right? As a matter of fact, that guy told me his name was Fred yesterday, and I remember it today. I’m good to go.” Right?

And off they go. They leave treatment and go out there thinking… Uh, like that nurse told me in that bootleg de-sanitarium there in, uh, Hollywood in 1978. She said, “Now, armed with the self-knowledge that you’re an alcoholic, you go out there and don’t drink anymore no matter what, Earl.” I said, “Yes, ma’am.” I knew.

I, I had the information, and I went out and drank for two more years. ‘Cause what I… As, as, as Don spoke very well to he– to this point, it’s not what I know that will keep me sober, it’s what I do. It, it’s the actions that bring about change.

Action brings about change. Thinking brings about thinking. I thought about that and now- And now I’m going to think about it some more. Where are you going?

I’m going to my room to think about what’s been said here. No. Don’t do it. You know, and as to the self-help stuff, I couldn’t agree with Don more.

I think w-w, uh, uh, the guys that I sponsor, you don’t get to kill yourself without calling me first. You don’t get to leave town without calling me first. You don’t get to drink or use without calling me first. And by all means, when you go to the bookstore, you are at all costs to avoid the self-help section.

Do not go in the self-help section. There’s a– there’s this woman I dated in AA. Fantastic human being. One of the most hellacious alcoholic drug addicts I’ve ever known in my life.

This is a woman that could only stay sober basically incarcerated. You know, if you locked her up, she stays sober. She’d come out and go to A… She’s been in AA as long as me.

I think right now she’s got maybe a couple of weeks. Um- She… Uh, um, uh, she… Un-amazing, beautiful, bright, hellacious alcoholic and drug addict.

And I remember I got a call from her one day and, uh, she said, “Earl, how you doing?” I said, “Good, good, good. Good to hear from you. How you doing?” She said, “Oh, I’m up in Santa Barbara,” you know. I said, “What are you doing?” She goes, “Well, I, you know, I’ve been a call girl for a while.” I said, “Oh, good for you.” And, and she said, “But however, I’ve gotten married, and I’m flying back into LA, and my husband

travels a lot, and, and, uh, he’s out of town. I was wondering if you’d pick me up at the airport.” And I said, “Sure.” Oh. Oh. I like that.

No, I work a better program than that. So she came into town and, and I w– and, and I picked her up and got her bags and got her in the car, and we’re driving to her husband’s house, and we’re talking, and she looks fantastic, right? I said, “You look great.

It’s great to see you. You know, you’re married. This is great,” you know? And, uh, um, we go to this guy’s house, and then she opens the door, and we go in and put her books down.

And I look around, and this man has every book, magazine, pamphlet, cassette, DVD, CD on self-help that his ever been known to man in this house. It is everywhere.

There’s books, I mean, men who love the women longer than the thing with the who and the where. I mean, it’s, it’s just everywhere. You know? Stacks of magazines on the tables and, you know, and all this.

And I’m looking around, and I look up at her and I said, “Does he know this isn’t gonna be enough?” He can read all the self-help books he wants. He married a practicing alcoholic. Good luck with that.

So the self-help stuff, no. This… Uh, no thinking about this. Gotta take action.

Action brings about change. I am looking for change. I’m a self-centered, frightened alcoholic. I need to take actions that are contrary to those that I’ve been taking.

If I don’t like what I’m getting, I need to stop doing what I’m doing that’s getting me that. It’s real simple. I need to move in a different direction. As a pra- as a guy like me who comes here destroyed, I’m…

If I could articulate it when I knew, I would’ve said to my sponsor that I got only because they said, “Get one.” All right. That guy, he’s insane. And I get it. I got a, I got a vicious sponsor.

I didn’t know it. God shot for me that I picked the one I picked ’cause my picker was broken. I said, “Well, that guy, I love that guy.” “Why?” “Well, he’s nuts.” That guy’s the only guy I’ve ever met been in the nuthouse 23 times. Only guy I’ve ever met who’s been evicted from the nuthouse.

They told the late, great Donald Madden, “Get out. You, go. You can’t stay here any longer. You gotta go.

Leave now or you’re gonna be one of the ones that never leaves.” And they spit him out into AA, and he was waiting there for me when I showed up. And, and I… They said, “What…” Donald… I don’t…

I would’ve said to Donald, “I’d love to suggest to you what, you know, to you, you know, here, I’m gonna take this contrary action over here.” But I’m so stuck in what I’ve always done, I don’t know what a contrary action is. I don’t know which direction to go, which was c- terrific. What that meant was that there was some semblance of humility going on in me.

Humility being the willingness to learn. That’s all it was, was the willingness to learn. Having been beaten into a state of reasonableness by my alcoholism, which is what the book suggests. What made me willing to say, “Hey, have you got any ideas?” Was the immediate terror of my life,

the result of my actions. That, that place where you come in here and your head’s on fire, you know? And, and standing there with your head on fire, and a guy in the program walks up and says, “How you doing?” And you’re in flames. And he’s asking just ’cause he wants to hear what you’re gonna say.

Hey, look, this should be fun. There’s one that’s still on fire. How are you doing? And I look at him and go, “Fine.” Have you got a fire extinguisher or a blanket or something?

‘Cause I’m… Just fine. The newcomer monitor. How you doing?

Fine. How are you? Good. You all right?

Great. What are you thinking about? I don’t know. What’s going on?

I have no idea. Why are you asking me these questions? It’s all right. Calm down.

Who’s gonna walk Earl today? You gotta just walk Earl. Oh. I should say it’s a testimony to the human skull how strong the human skull is, the kind of pressure we walk around in, you know, when we’re new.

I mean, we should be sitting around in meetings like this, and occasionally some guy’s head should just explode. Just boom. Just slump over on the floor, and we have a special cleanup committee, the new- … newcomer explosion committee.

You know what I mean? When they’re running, cleaning up. The newcomers in the front are going, “What’s going on? What’s going on?” Never mind.

The meeting’s up front. Look up front. You could be next. ‘Cause it’s just pandemonium in there, which is why it’s so beautiful that the

program is such a simple thing. It is a program of action, how it works. Don talked about go to the text. Go to the text, and it will tell you precisely what to do, that there’s an order to this.

There is a rhyme. There is a reason. There is a rhythm to this, right? And what we get in here is we gotta try to get into that rhythm and get that sobriety groove going.

It’s what’s so great about this is, as Don alluded to, you don’t have to be good at it. You don’t have to get it right. You just have to be willing, right? And what you need to be willing to do is you need to be willing to take actions that make no sense, and you need to be willing to be bad at it, right?

Which is… And that’s a big one for somebody like me. I mean, I like, I like the way Eddie Van Halen plays the guitar. And I will listen to Eddie Van Halen play the guitar, and I, as an untreated alcoholic, and I will think, “Now that is playing the guitar.

I shall play the guitar- … like Eddie Van Halen ’cause I identify. I get it. This will be easy.” I go and I buy the very guitar that Eddie Van Halen plays.

The same amp, the pick, the strings. I get all the equipment. I get the book of Eddie Van Halen songs. And I put it out, and I turn on the amp and the guitar, and we got…

We’re all tuned up and we’re ready to go. And I take the pick, holding it precisely as Eddie Van Halen holds it. And I begin to play. Oddly, this does not sound like Eddie Van Halen.

And after 20 minutes of the horror that I am creating on this guitar, I put it down, having spent $2,500, thinking to myself- I hate the guitar. And off I go. If I can’t be great at it right off the bat…

Now, Eddie Van Halen plays the way he plays because when I was out thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old smoking weed, drinking, shooting dope, doing all that, you know, chasing girls, Eddie was in his room doing scales, and doing scales, and practicing, and investing in, and participating in, and on the path, and in doing all the things that I’m unwilling to do. I’m either going to be great immediately or I don’t wanna play.

So I gotta be willing to be bad at something and go through the process of discovery that takes place in the learning process of becoming somewhat comfortable within, in this case, recovery. I gotta know why I’m– ’cause I went to meetings because the guy who was sober said we go to meetings. I didn’t ask, “Well, well why do we go to meetings?” luckily.

I just went ’cause I was told by somebody who had what I wanted. A guy who was comfortable sober said, “Go to meetings,” so I went to meetings. And in going to meetings, I heard other things because there were other sober alcoholics standing around in varying stages of recovery, and I would key off my sponsor. I remember I would ever– ’cause I was afraid of everyone.

So we would go to a meeting and my sponsor would say, “Uh, this is Al S., Al Signs. Listen to him.” I go, “Oh, got it.” Phaser shields down. Yeah. And Al would let it rip, and I would just let it hit me in the face.

And he, “Wha- what’d you think, Al?” Didn’t understand a word he said. “But you were listening?” “Yes, sir.” “Good enough.” I think, “Oh, good, good.” You know, go home and go to the next meeting. And we go, and there was this woman. This woman shows up at a meeting one day, and she’s got…

Maybe one, she said… She started, and Donald’s going, I go– He hadn’t seen her in like five years, and I’m sitting next to Donald. He goes, “Good?” And he goes, “Wonderful,” right? So she gets up at the podium and she says, uh, “I figured it all out.” And she slaps on the front of the podium this fold-out

page that’s this big giant page that’s color-coded. And what she’s figured out is how all the human emotions factor into alcoholism. And she has a chart that you read your book and follow the chart. And I w- I went, “Huh?” And I lo- and I looked at Donald and Don– I saw Donald just go like this.

And I went, “Phaser shields up.” I ain’t listening to that. I’m way too unstable to- -get into that, right? You know, next time somebody asks me how I feel, I’ll say, “I’m happy, sad, connected to page forty-seven,” and it goes on.

“A- as also evidenced by page ninety-three.” What does that mean? I don’t know. No. It’s like, uh, there were some guys I was, uh, uh, uh, that were running around in my neck of the woods.

They were sponsoring everybody. They were all like three and four years sober, and they were just… had gone insane in AA. And they were sponsoring everybody.

And they came up to me one day and said, “Earl, we’ve torn page four forty-nine out of all our guys’ books.” I said, “Really?” You know, me being a… Paul, Dr. Paul being a hero of mine, and that’s one of the pages in his story.

I went, “Really? Torn page four forty-nine out of the…” “Yeah. This acceptance thing, bad idea. Tore it out of the book.” “What do you think of that?” And I said, “Well, I can’t thank you enough.” “For al-

s- at this point, for probably seventy-five years now, um, we’ve been at terrible risk and did not know it.” “And I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you two have come along just in time- -to save us from ourselves.” I… and it just went on and on and on, and they finally– they guy was like, “Okay, we get it.

Staple four forty-nine back in the books, right?” “Yeah, why don’t you do that?” I said, “Look, four forty-nine, you don’t go and says, “How…” Nobody’s ever said, “Okay, I, I’m new and I’ve got this book. What should I do?” Go directly to page four forty-nine. No.

How about there’s four hundred and forty-eight pages before that, and if you do all that in order, by the time you get there, oddly enough, that makes a lot of sense. Makes a lot of sense having worked all twelve steps as outlined in the program, having done this stuff, having gone to the wives afterward, having gone to the family afterward. By the way, for the family afterward for me is this. This is the family afterward for me.

This is my family. I have a greater sense of family in this than I’ve ever had in my life b- including the blood. This has been the connection for me. This is where I found life.

If you’re new, it’s about keeping it simple. It’s about being a… The reason I go to meetings, it… Meetings are a place where a newcomer can come and hear a message of hope and recovery.

That’s what they’re for. They’re for you. They were for me when I came in. The guys who had worked the twelve steps ha- been relieved of the obsession of the mind, the point of the steps, had been…

were now walking the earth free men, were a comfortable sober. There were guys that were comfortable sober, and th- well, the only place I could find them was in AA meetings. So I went to AA meetings, and I looked for those guys that were comfortable sober. And I asked them, “How did you get that?” And they said, “Well, I did this.

I got this book, and I did this, and I worked through the steps as outlined in this book.” Very simple. And then when I became comfortable sober, I no longer came to meetings to take. I came to give back what had freely been given to me. And I come here and I share my experience, strength, and hope.

Like a couple of guys came up to me, uh, during the break and they were saying, “You know, it’s, it’s…” They, y- they were saying to me, “We, we think it’s remarkable that you get on planes with your experience, with your absolute terror of flying, and that you come to these things.” And I said, “You know, for me, that’s the nice thing about what happens here. This goes so far past not drinking and using, it’s unbelievable.” What happens in here is that there is a new freedom and a new happiness, and a part of that new freedom for me is the power of choice has been returned.

I can choose. I can choose how I approach things. Now, I can… Every time I get on a plane, I can recognize that for me what I have to do is face my own death.

I have to, I have– That, that’s just what works. I go, “Okay, this– I, I know how this could go, but I’m gonna go do it anyway.” Right? And surrender to that feeling. But what immediately follows that is, okay, now that I’ve done that, now I’m on this plane, I can choose to, to…

Th- this great gift of being on an airplane for me. The gift of the flight part of it for me is, is that I’m one of the guys that really gets to know on a regular basis that I’m willing to go to any lengths ’cause I get on a plane. All I gotta do to know if I’m willing to go to any lengths is get on a plane.

That’s all I gotta do. And AA keeps– is constantly, God is constantly giving me that opportunity to remember, to remember. Now, on occasion, I do draw the line. I was asked to speak in a place called Poulsbo, Washington, in Washington State, and the girl calls me up and says, “We’ve listened to your tape.

We love you. We want you to come. We’re just gonna fly you straight up into Seattle, then we’re gonna put you on the puddle jumper and fly you…” And I went- “Hold it.” “What’s the puddle jumper?” And she said, “Well, it’s Kenmore Airlines.” And I said,

“They make washing machines.” Whoo. I said, “I will be happy to fly to Seattle, but if you’ll just tell me how far a drive it is, I’ll be happy to rent a car at my expense and drive from Seattle to Poulsbo ’cause really gotta pass on the flying washing machine.” That’s pushing it too far for me.

So I’m willing to go to any lengths short of Kenmore. I still got that to go. Who knows? Maybe.

When I was new, I used to think, “Well, what I need to do is parachute out of an airplane. That’ll help.” And my sponsor, when he was through laughing- Said, “Love the things that come outta your head.” “Couldn’t be less useful.” And I… What do you mean by…

Right? I mean, it was just the best. I mean, and having a sponsor, getting the guy in the meeting. Go to a meeting.

Go to a regular meeting regularly ’cause you can remain anonymous in AA, and we don’t want to do that. Point well taken, Don. No need to be anonymous here according to those guys or Ohio Tower. You know?

You wanna be able to find each other, check up on each other, see how the other man is doing. Gotta get to actually know each other in here. And if you’re new, that’s a terrifying thought. But trust me, you’re not the first desperate, terrified, isolated, homicidal, suicidal, flashing victim, assassin, victim, assassin.

You know? We’re all like that. We didn’t come, get here looking like this. Remember that a process has taken place with us.

You’re just taking your turn, and that’s all we’re asking is that you take your turn. Take your turn. If, if… I, I’ll tell you the truth about me.

When I came here and you asked me how I was doing, I said, “Fine.” The truth is this: if you had a… If I had been honest when I was new, if you came up to me and said, “How are you doing?” I would’ve just started screaming. How you doing? Ahhh.

Well, good for you. All right. No coffee for him. Get him a seat.

Right? That’s the truth. What’s going on? I don’t know.

How are you? Don’t have a clue. That’s the truth. There’s a guy said to me, “Talk about what it’s like to be new, what you were like new going to a meeting.” And it’s a pretty simple story, you know?

I had found Ohio Street, and it was this, l- like, yellowish building that really stood out, so it was easy to spot. This was helpful for me. You know? Look for the…

There it is. It just kinda glared at you, you know? And it was me, and I would drive to the meeting, and I would drive there. Go, go to the meeting.

Good, good, good, good. Go in the meeting. Go in the meeting. Go in the meeting.

There it is. There it is. There it is. Good, good, good, good.

All right. Pull in the parking lot. Pull in the parking lot. Pull in the parking…

Pull far– Park far away so if you have to run for it, you can run for it and you can get the car out and you can go. Park way over there or park way over there. Go into the meeting. Go in the meeting.

Gotta get a seat. They put the keys on the seat. They put the keys on the seat. Find a seat.

Put the key on the seat. Where am I gonna sit? I’ll sit next to the guy with the red coat. Sit next to the guy with the red coat.

Did you find the guy with the red coat? Did you find your seat? You got your keys. Good, good, good, good.

How you doing? Fine. How you doing? Fine.

Sitting in the seat. Sitting in the seat. Good, good, good. I’m at an AA meeting.

Good, good, good, good, good, good. Start the meeting. Start the meeting. Start the meeting.

Start the meeting. Start the meeting. Start the meeting. And all the time, I’m looking like every other guy in the meeting.

How you… Oh, yeah. Fitting right in, but just Crazy. I mean, you’re just so scared ’cause you…

You know? Guy got up. The guy got up. He talked.

And he’s down. I don’t wanna hear a thing that guy said. I don’t know what that… Here’s another guy.

Got up. He, uh, he rarely saw something. He rarely saw something. I don’t know what he rarely saw, but he rarely saw something.

He saw some- … rarely saw something. So 12 things. 12 things.

12 things in AA. 12 things in AA. That was good. I don’t really know what those were, but those were good.

That was good. 12 things. 12 things. Great.

12 things ABC. 12 things ABC. He’s down. I didn’t get a lot of that.

12 things ABC. 12 things ABC. Here’s another that got up. He drank.

He drank. I drink like that. I drink like that. I love this guy.

I love that guy. That is a great guy. He’s down. Didn’t get a lot.

Love them. Love them. He’s down. They’re passing the basket.

Why are they passing the basket? Passing the ba… Oh, don’t take the money. Don’t take the money.

Hang on. Hang, hang on. Okay, good, good, good, good. Didn’t take the money, didn’t take the money.

Okay, they’re r- they’re all up. We’re up. What are we doing? We’re doing, we’re going outside and we’re smoking.

I smoke, I smoke, we’ll smoke. How you doing? Fine. How you doing?

Fine. How you doing? I’m fine. They’re ringing a bell, they’re ringing a bell.

We’re going in, we’re going in, we’re going in, we’re going in. Okay, g- finally got… Red coat, red coat. Where’s the guy with the red coat?

Red coat right here. How you doing? Fine, fine, fine. Hey, back off, all right, I got- I’m in the seat, I’m in the seat.

I’m good, I’m good, I’m good. And another guy, he’s reading 12 things. Those are not the same 12 things. 24 things ABC, 24 things ABC.

He’s down. Didn’t get a lot of that either. Here’s another guy. I drank like that.

I drank like that. Hell with that other guy. This guy’s amazing. I love that guy.

I love that guy. I drank like that. I drank like that. Unbelievable.

I felt like that. I felt like that. That’s how I feel. How does that guy know how I feel?

That guy’s reading my mail. It’s like I have no– there’s no defense against you people. You’re just in. You know what’s going on, and I can’t…

This is the strangest feeling. What is this feeling? I don’t know what this feeling is. What is this feeling?

This is creepy. I, you know, you’re like voodoo people. What, what is going on? He’s down.

I’m not so sure I wanna talk to that guy. That was way too close man. That was way too close. We’re up.

They’ve got me. W- we’re saying a prayer. I know this prayer. Lord, yeah, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla.

Walk out, and guys would say to me, “How was the meeting?” It was great. Then I’d go home and I’d cry all the way home in my car. I don’t know what’s going on. What are these people doing?

I don’t understand. And I would just pace in my little room. It was, like, really the size of a cell. And I would just pace in my little room, get my hours sleep, get up, go to work, and I would go back to one of those meetings and just go, “All right, let’s try it again.” Now,

that– You think of that guy and you think, “That guy doesn’t have a chance. That guy’s not getting it. He can’t even track information. He’s so busy thinking about his stuff, him, his perception, how he’s feeling, how

this is affecting… He can’t get out of himself. That guy’s doomed. There’s no way that guy is ever gonna be able to consistently take contrary action long enough to enter into what

would even remotely resemble s- the state of grace that I consider recovery to be. There’s no way that guy’s getting there.” And here I am, 25 years later, and I’ve never left you. And that’s how I started. So crippled, so incapable of love towards self or others, or tolerance towards self or others on any

level, forget having it as a code of how I live my life. Forget… And in 25 years, all the way through, it’s gotten closer. When I turned five years sober and had my first AA birthday party at the late Steven Arrow’s house, and we had a party for my five years.

I got the nickel, man. It wasn’t mm-mm-mm, it was like, mm, I got five, right? And I was so excited, and I knew people, and people were coming to a party for me to celebrate that I was sober, that they cared about me.

And this horrible thing had happened along the way. They actually knew who I was. They’d removed the c- the cocoon somehow. AA had picked my pocket like a thief in the night somewhere along the way, and the line between self and other had been blurred, and connection of, of a meaningful,

purposeful level had occurred, and I didn’t know when or how that had happened. I remember calling Donald Madden up one day and saying… My sponsor, and saying, “Something terribly wrong has gone on.” I was three years sober. He said, “What is it?” And I said, “I love you.” And he said, “Oh, I know.” Click.

Why ruin the moment with a lot of chatter? He was, was so good about that stuff. But I mean, it’s… I guess what I’m trying to say to you guys is, is that if I go to regular meetings regularly, I get a sponsor, I work the

steps as outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous with that sponsor, things are gonna happen regardless of what’s going on in your head. You will heal. You will heal. And you will heal precisely in the areas where it is necessary that you heal.

You will heal these areas in precisely the order in which you need to heal. It’s what happens here. It’s, it’s like going to the gym. You go to the gym.

You can g… See, what’s great about this is it doesn’t matter what you think. You don’t have to think this is a good idea. You don’t have to like it.

You just have to do it, and it will work. I had no ability to comprehend what was afoot here when I came here. I didn’t have the ability to, let alone the incli- uh, you know, an inclination to do something other than what was going on in my head. You don’t have to like it.

You don’t have to think it’s a good idea. You just have to do it. It works like going to the gym. You can go to a gym.

A, a gym is a place where they have… There are lots of very heavy things laying around. That’s what a gym is. And you can go in there and go, “This is ridiculous.

This will never work. I hate it.” As you are picking up heavy things… And what you ha- and what you do in the gym is you pick the heavy thing up, then you put it back down again. And repeat.

That’s all a gym is. So you’re in there and you’re picking up heavy things and putting them down again thinking, “This is stupid. I hate it. It’ll never work.” You go in there every day for six weeks, what happens?

Get stronger. Doesn’t matter what you think. Doesn’t matter how you feel about it. You do it, it works.

This is the same thing. If you go to regular meetings regularly… My favorite share ever in a meeting was a guy named Bob. Went to a noon meeting.

I was– had an easy day going, slid into a noon meeting, had never been there, had heard about it, slid in. Guy I knew was leading the meeting. And it was one of those meetings where participation meetings where you don’t raise your hand. Guy goes, “You, share.

You, you.” Just calling on people, right? So you’re at risk the whole time you’re in there, all right? So you’re sitting in there kinda, you know, and every time… So you thank somebody for sharing, you, you know.

And I see the… And then all of a sudden I hear him say, “Uh, Bob, you wanna share?” And Bob says, “Sure.” Bob, alcoholic. Hate AA. Hate the steps.

Hate this meeting. You over there, particularly hate you. Hate you. Hate everything about this damn program, everything in it, everybody in it, every second I have been

in this miserable organization. Thank you for letting me share. Half the room’s like, “Oh my God.” The other half, including me, are like, “All right, Bob!” Yeah, buddy, right?

‘Cause the fact is Bob felt like that at home. Bob got his hostile ass up off of that couch, into a car- … drove it to the meeting- … was sitting there being completely respectful of the podium, the leader, the people that were sharing.

And when called upon to share, Bob saw that as an AA request. And Bob shared honestly with the group- … and then shut up. Bob’s fine.

I love that man. Bob’s the– makes the coffee there now. Bob– how you doing, Bob? “Great.” Right?

Bob doesn’t ask you how you’re doing ’cause Bob doesn’t really care yet, but… But he’s doing great, man. I mean, it’s like that.

It’s not, you know… You know, I walked the 12 golden steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and I’ve been a– I’ve never had a bad day since. There are guys that profess that. I say God bless them.

That’s terrific. Sounds more like a psychotic break to me. Because me, uh, you know, it’s life on life’s terms. I hear things all the time I don’t wanna hear, like, “No.” You know?

“Oh, are you still here?” Right? I get discounted. People lie to me. People betray me.

I, I make great plans that just catch on fire and burn to the ground. Uh, all… You know, it’s life. I have a wife that I love dearly and loves me, and on occasion, oddly, shockingly, we’re not on the same page.

She will walk in and say things to me and I will think, “Where have you been? What, uh, wh– English.” “I need that in English. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” And she looks at me like I’m an idiot. I mean…

And I’ve learned, one of the things my, my wife will come to me and I, and I’ll go home and she’ll be in this terrible state. This is, again, a gift of AA. Sounds like it has nothing to do with recovery, but it has everything to do with it. My wife– I walk in the room and my wife says– uh, she’s obviously upset and I go, “Honey, what’s wrong?” And she says, “Well, this, this, this, this, and this.” And I think, “This is fantastic.” I

am listening. I can’t tell you how many term– times I have heard, “You’re not listening.” I’m listening now, and I am on this one. I have heard what the problem is, and I have a solution. And I am now going to give her the gift of this solution- Oh.

… to her problem. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

And she’s going to immediately recognize, one, that I clearly love her madly. That her problems are my problems, that I am here for her, I am listening, I am problem-solving, and we are going to work this through this as a couple- … through this problem to, to her delight.

I mean, I’m golden on so many levels here, I can’t believe it. I then lay this gem on her, and she looks at me and goes, “Idiot,” and walks out of the room. I have since learned what you do in this situation is you listen carefully, and as soon as she’s done, and you ask, by the way, “Is that it?” ‘Cause if you step in too early, not good.

Step back out. “Is that it? That’s, that’s everything?” “Yeah.” And I go over and I give her a hug, and I tell her I love her, and if there’s– if she needs m- or wants my help in any way, I’m there for her.

All she’s gotta do is ask. And then I quietly, slowly back out of the room. That didn’t sound like AA.

Oh, yes, it is. Yes, it is. It’s being in the company of sane men. It’s being in the company of men who remember what day it is, who have an actual history.

I didn’t have a history with anyone or anything when I got here. I have it now because we’ve all been awake and conscious together through a process of life. That’s what you get here. The book says that this is the book that describes how we h- precisely how we have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

I came in here seemingly hopeless, and obviously– but obviously not, still here. Still here, still sober, comfortable sober, reveling in the path. If you’re new, it’s footwork. It’s just one foot in front of the other.

It’s chop the wood and carry the water of AA. Just go to a meeting. When’s a good time to go to a meeting? When you wanna go and when you don’t wanna go.

Those are both great times to go to meetings. So you go to a regular meetings regularly, get a sponsor to work the steps with you. When you have the awakening that step 12 suggests that we have as a direct result of working these steps, restored to sanity, soundness of mind, relieved of the obsession to drink and use, walking the earth a free man, I can now be of service, the third side of the triangle.

Unity is the body, I bring it here. Recoveries of the mind to get relieved of the greater aspect of my illness, the obsession of the mind, I worked the 12 steps. Having had an awakening as a result of that, I can come to meetings now and be of service. The biggest buzz I have ever known.

I mean, it’s a great thing to get free of the beast, man. It’s huge for a slave to alcohol and drugs like me. To get free of that beast is an amazing experience that the steps gives me. To find that the cocoon gets removed and I can be in the company of my fellows and my God, that I can ha- be connected again instead of separated from,

is an amazing feeling. Absolutely amazing feeling. But to be able to sit down with a new guy, to have a guy walk in and say, “I can’t stop drinking.

I’m afraid I’m gonna drink tonight. You got any ideas?” To be able to say to that man, “Yes, I do.” First and foremost, I must tell you though, the great news here is none of the stuff I’m gonna share with you has anything to do with as Earl sees it. None of this is my best thinking.

None of this stuff are my ideas. This is the stuff that comes from the original 100. The guys who got clean and sober at a time when it was not hip or fashionable or even acceptable to acknowledge alcoholism and get sober. This– These were guy– And if you read the forewords to the book, these were guys, 75% of them came to know long-term sobriety.

It actually goes beyond that, but just for the sake of the conversation, we’ll say 75% of them came to know long-term sobriety. And a lot of others were s- were sober periodically, and their lives improved substantially as a result of doing what was in that book. That’s far better than anything I’m seeing going on, and I think it’s a remarkable, remarkable thing that that’s available today w- not having been changed or messed with.

There it is. I can use it, and it’s as applicable today in my 21st century life as it was then. It’s an amazing deal. So if you’re new, congratulations.

This is beyond anything you could imagine. That’s the nature of it, and that’s true for every single one of us that comes in. Nobody comes into AA, embraces the spiritual path, and instantly goes, “Oh, I understand,” and that there is no pop of consciousness from that point on. Our consciousness gets popped all the way along.

No matter where we are, there’s more. No matter what you know, perceive, understand, there’s more. That’s been my experience for 25 years. No matter how deeply or profoundly I may grasp a concept or an idea or an action or a notion that’s available in here, if I keep coming

and just doing the same things I did when I was new, going to regular meetings regularly, which is what I do. Be sponsored, which is w- and I am sponsored. Working the 12 steps, always, because I’m always working with… I’m sponsoring people, and when they go through the first step, I’m going through the first step with them.

When they go through the fourth step, I’m going through the fourth step with them. When they do their, their ninth step, I’m riding along with them. I’m sitting in the car when they go up and knock on the door, you know? I always tell them to leave the keys in the car.

In case I need to blast on out of there, I can. I’m always– That’s what I do. And it gets deeper and deeper and deeper. There’s worlds within worlds here.

This is go as deep as you wanna go. That’s the beautiful thing about this. You’re not gonna run out of buzz. It’s the exact opposite of drinking and using.

Drinking and using, the best buzz I ever got was right up front, right? I chased the tail of that dragon for 16 years on a daily basis, right? And slowly over time, the buzz I got got less and less and less and less, and the price I paid for it got higher and higher and higher and higher. So in the end of my drinking and using, I’m paying an horrific price just to get to zero, to the absence of pain.

I’m not getting high anymore. I haven’t gotten high in years. In here, it’s the exact opposite. You pay up front.

You pay up front. You pay a hell of a price to come sit in here as a newcomer and get that little, itty-bitty baby, tiny baby buzz, right? But the longer you stay, the price you pay to be here gets less and less and less, and the buzz you get gets greater and greater and greater and greater. What– That’s good news for a guy like me.

That means all I gotta do is what I did in the beginning today, and the buzz I get from it’ll be greater than it’s ever been. If I can get between those. I gotta be in the moment, which is the gift of recovery, right? In my life, in this moment, connected to you, connected to God.

Some sense of being right-sized. Don talked about, you know, we’re egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. Absolutely correct. What this process does is slowly bring those two aspects of self closer and closer together so that I can become right-sized, I become centered.

I can have purpose and value in my life that extends far beyond my miserable self. It’s out into the world, purpose and value. That’s a l- that’s a hell of a gift. And all I gotta do, work the steps, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, and give it back away.

That’s all I gotta do. All I gotta do. The end.