Ah, my name’s Earl and I’m an alcoholic. Hi, Earl. I was ready for you guys. I was ready.

Uh, I wanna thank, uh, Dick for asking me to come share here. It’s always an honor and a privilege to do so. I wanna thank, uh, my friend Dick M– the other Dick M. for, uh, picking us up at the airport, my wife and I, and, uh, getting us here.

Where is he? Right here. There you are. Good to see you.

Stand up . Stand up. Take a bow, Dick. And here we go.

All right. Ah, it’s, uh– We’ve had a great time here. We’ve had a great time. We get to see Dick and Peggy, and we got to see Clancy, and got to hear Don, uh, Don speak this afternoon.

And, uh, um, heard Peggy this morning. I, uh– You should’ve been there this morning. Nine o’clock, there’s a couple of thousand people in here at nine o’clock in the morning. And, uh, Peg made many references to, uh, SpongeBob.

I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about, but she actually had a little figurine of SpongeBob. And it was a- an excellent, outstanding talk about responsibility, being responsible. And you– from, from now on you are, uh, SpongePeg. At least to me.

It was a great talk. Oh, God. Um, so I, uh, I didn’t stop– Uh, I didn’t start drinking until I was 12 years old. I held off as long as I possibly could.

I, I had been restless, irritable, and discontented for quite some time prior to that. I, uh, um, when I was four years old, I, uh, as told to me by my mother, I would get up and I would sleepwalk through the house, and I would turn the lights on as I’d go. And I’d stand at the foot of their bed and talk to them, scare the hell out of my parents, turn around and walk through the house, turn the lights off as I’d go, and get back in bed. Um, immediately off to the psychiatrist, age four.

That was a good start. And, uh, um, they ran a bunch of tests on me, and, uh, the solution they came up with was every night when I would go to bed, they’d give me a tablespoon of this liquid, and I’d drink this stuff, and it’d knock me out. No more sleepwalking, no more sleep talking, no more problem. And so I think very early in my life, I got the, uh, uh, the, uh, information that if things aren’t going the way you want them to, take something.

And I kinda filed that away for future use. And, uh, at age 12, uh, they ran a bunch more tests on me. Um, and, uh, turned out I had a very high IQ. Um, I don’t have it anymore, so I’m not bragging.

That’s been gone for quite a while. Uh. Um, uh, but they decided– my father decided it was time for me to become a man, which was, I think, clear to everyone. I was five feet tall, 104 pounds.

Scared of my own shadow. You know, manhood was right around the corner. And, uh, so they, they, they shipped me off to boarding school. How I found out I was going to boarding school was we, uh, I was in my room doing whatever the hell I was doing then, and my father walked in and said, uh, “Get in the car.” All right.

So I got in the car, and a bunch of relatives showed up, and we drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and pulled up to this place, and I got out of the car, and my father got out of the car, and nobody else got out of the cars. And he walked over and he put a suitcase down next to me, shook my hand, and said, “This’ll make a man out of you.” Got in the car and they all drove off. Welcome to boarding school. And, uh, the fact was I was being given an opportunity for a wonderful education, which has held me in good stead to this very day.

The feeling was, was that I had just been thrown away by the people who knew me best in the world. And, and I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. So I went into this three-day meltdown and, uh, pretty much turned my back on my family and never went back. Started, uh, walking around this campus with my books under my arm, kinda not making eye contact with anybody.

And, uh, Tiny found me. Every high school’s got a guy named Tiny. He’s like six-four, 240. Plays guard on the football team.

And, uh, uh, Tiny said, “How you doing, punk?” And he walked up and he slapped me in the back of the head as hard as he could, sent my books flying. And, uh, I walked up and hit him as hard as I could, which had no effect on Tiny whatsoever. And Tiny said, “You got a lot of guts, kid.” And he beat the crap out of me right on the spot. And as I’m taking this beating, I’m thinking, “This is going pretty well.” My

heart is just pounding. Um, ugh. I’m overwhelmed with Alcoholics Anonymous is what it is. I mean, I was just sitting here and I was just doing what I do all the time, which is come to these conferences, and I sit down, and they do the deal, and we go through the drill, and you

get up, and you tell your story, and then, and you sit back down, and we all go on about our business. And I was just sitting here and I was just seeing all the different people from all the different states and all of the just– I wish you could see this from up here. All these people, man. Just a room full of dead people sitting up looking at me.

You know? And I just– You know what I mean? And listening to Peggy this morning and listening to Don, and then having dinner, and Clancy was there and talking and, and, uh, um, it’s just– it’s, it’s an overwhelming thing, the, the, the power of this thing.

It’s just an absolutely remarkable thing. I– When I, I start talking about my childhood and this, my particular story and the steps that I took and how my life led me and God led me to you, I’m just completely overwhelmed with how something like that happens. I’m just overwhelmed by it.

So, uh- Anyway I, uh, uh, um, I took this beating from Tiny, which I thought went pretty well, and I went back to my room, you know, with knots all over my head, waiting for the bleeding to stop, and word spread across this campus like wildfire, “Watch out for this little Hightower kid. He’s a maniac. He attacked Tiny.” So now I got this reputation that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.

I’m just a frightened child, and, uh, now I’m a madman, right? So- … the cool guys started coming around, and Matt and Steve rolled by, and Matt came by and he stuck his head in my room and he said, “You wanna smoke a joint?” And I said, uh, “Yes, I do.” And I didn’t even know what he was talking about, you know?

All I heard was, uh, “Do you wanna come with us? Do you wanna hook up with us?” And the answer was, “Yeah, I feel like I’m alone in the universe. I’ll go with you.” It wouldn’t have made a matter what he said. He could’ve said, “Listen, we’re gonna go kill the Spanish teacher.

Do you wanna come?” “Uh, yeah, I’m with you.” So we went around behind the dorm, two 13-year-olds and a 12-year-old, total strangers, and Matt fired up the joint and handed it to me and I just did what he did, and that burned my lungs. I was like, “That’s nasty.” And then here came this little Tupperware container full of cheap red wine. I took a pull on the wine.

That burned my s- throat and my stomach. That’s nasty. And I’m standing there, 12 years old, thinking, “My life sucks, man. A week ago I was fine,” all right?

And in a week’s time I got large people are out there beating the hell out of me, my family’s throwing me away, my lungs are burning, I’m standing with these two total strangers. I hate this. And I mean, it happened. That thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred, you know what I mean?

That, that warm feeling just kinda wafted up over me, and suddenly I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with, and I never felt like that before in my life. And I don’t know, is it the pot? Is it the wine? Is it the fact that I’m standing here with my two very close personal friends, Matt and Steve?

‘Cause I’m feeling that connection. I don’t know and I don’t care. You know, my experience in the beginning was, feel better than you’ve ever felt before in your life, nothing bad happens. ‘Cause I got a little, little loaded with my friends, my new best friends.

We had a nice time. I got up the next morning, I went to school, and no harm, no foul. Nobody died that night. No blood was drawn.

Nobody went to the nuthouse. Nobody went to prison. All those things were gonna happen, but that wasn’t my experience at that point. So based on my experience, I figured I gotta go with this, and I did.

I went with that every day for the next 16 years, no matter what. I hung in there. I made a … I, I had singleness of purpose.

It was to be loaded. That was my thing. And it was humble beginnings, a little pot and a little wine. And I think that the fact that I …

They have this little saying in my neck of the woods that they tell newcomers, “Just don’t drink or use no matter what, period.” And I hate that. I mean, if I could do that, I guarantee you I wouldn’t be here tonight. I’d be home not drinking or using no matter what, ’cause I could do that. I would not get on an airplane.

One of my least favorite things in life, to get on an airplane. Two of them to get here, two of them to get back. Four. I wouldn’t do it.

I’d be home not drinking or using no matter what. I’m the flip side of that coin. I drink and use no matter what. Given a good reason, I don’t stop.

Problem drinker goes before the judge one more time and is told, “You get another 502, another drunk driving charge, you’re gonna do a year in county. No more conversation. You’ll just do it. We’ll talk when you’re done.” Problem drinker hears that and says to himself, “I don’t wanna go to jail,” makes the decision to stop drinking and driving, and can act upon that decision.

Can carry that out. Stops doing it. Me, I start wondering what it’s gonna be like in jail, ’cause I’m going. I just appreciate the information.

Given a good reason, I don’t stop, and that was the beginning for me. And the first time I drank, I got drunk, ’cause for me I like the effect produced by alcohol. That’s why I drink. I drink because I love the effect produced by alcohol, and the effect that I get is it’s the fear killer.

If I can get enough alcohol in me, it kills the fear and I can talk to you, and I can be involved with you, and I can measure up, and I stop comparing my insides to your outsides and losing every time. I stop the self-centered fear on me just seems to slip away, and I’m able to come out and be in the world with the rest of you. That’s what alcohol does for me. Unfortunately, I’ve got this big barrel of emotions inside me, and there’s all kinds of emotions swimming around up on top of this barrel, but way down at the bottom of the barrel, that deep

undercurrent of my emotional life is fear, and that’s the last thing I feel. So in order to kill it I gotta drink through it all. I gotta get drunk to kill the fear. So when I drink, I get drunk.

I don’t … I … There’s a thing called social drinking. I really shouldn’t even comment on it.

I have no experience with it at all. I have seen it done. I find it bizarre. Let’s just leave it at that.

But it’s not my experience. So it was, it it is humble beginnings for me. A little pot, a little wine, 13 pills. Only reason I took a pill is I was hanging out with these guys and this guy said, “Would you like a couple of pills?” And I said, “Well, yes, I would.” Couple of pills, 20 minutes later I’m laying on the floor very happy there.

I liked pills. Seconal, Tuinal, Placidyl, got strong on all that stuff. 14 was psychedelics. Only reason I took a psychedelic was a girl named …

I went on a 10-hour pass from this boarding school and I was hanging out with this, uh, with Debbie. Debbie was a bad girl. And an older woman. She was 15 and a half.

Yeah, I got respect for Debbie to this day, man. I- Debbie said, “Do you wanna drop some acid?” And I said, “Well, of course I would, Debbie.” So she pulled out this little lipstick tube thing and she spun it up and a little pill on the end. I just took it and popped it in my mouth and swallowed it, and she said, “Did you take that whole thing?” I said, “Why, yes I did, Debbie.” It was a very

small pill. And she said, “Well, that’s three hits of white lightning.” Ooh. Oh. Whoo.

Yeah. Next two days were very interesting. What I remember of them. Um, 650 hits later, I got classified legally insane by the military, but that’s a whole other story.

15, I started shooting dope, and the only reason I did that is I was on a boat in Marina del Rey with Cammie. And Cammie said, “Would you like me to stick this in your body?” And I said, “Yes, I would, Cammie.” And she did, and it was one of those shots where you just go . And on the way down, all I remember thinking was, “If I’m not dead, I’m doing that again.” Excellent. Now, I identify

as an alcoholic, and I mean to show respect. Um, I’m a child of the ’60s. We were very, very focused on the drugs, where our parents were the alcoholics. We were not going to, we were g- not going to drink ourselves to death like our parents were doing.

We were going to carve out our own identity, kill ourselves in a whole new way. So we were very focused on the drugs. But the fact of the m- and, and the fact of the matter is this. My drug of choice is what do you got?

I’m not a specialist. It’s, it’s all anti-Earl medication. If I can get another what you got in my body, it’ll kill the fear and we can all go on f- forward. Um, the problem with all of that, what I w- any information I have about my life is in retrospect.

I never know what’s going on when it’s going on. It’s always, “Oh, oh, that’s what was going on back then.” And the drugs would come and go. You know what I mean? It was i- there was nothing …

the only thing that stayed on the table every single day was, uh, was alcohol. There was always a fifth on the table, and the reason for that, in my opinion, was that alcohol is reliable. Drugs are completely unreliable. There’s, there’s no quality control going on out there.

You do not know what you’ve got till you get it in your body. You don’t know. You get yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels, you go get yourself a quart of gin, you know what you got here. You’re gonna be okay.

I could relax into whatever else was going on as long as I knew there was a bottle there. That was my best frank, friend. That was the thing that I relied upon. You’ve done so much cocaine you can’t get your mouth open anymore.

And it’s 7:30 and you’ve, you know, completely overshot the mark one more time. You suck a little gin through your teeth, it’ll loosen your right up and you can go on with the party. You’re all right. Alcohol is reliable.

It’s the big dog. And in the end, for me, it was all about alcohol. All about alcohol. ‘Cause in the end I was dying.

In the end it was I needed my medicine, I need it now, I need it to work, I didn’t have time to play around. So in the end for me, alcohol was all it was about. I just used three, four grams of cocaine a day just to keep me on my feet so I could drink the way I needed to drink. That’s what it was about.

Uh, so anyway, all through that. Uh, 16 years old, dropped out of high school, got committed to my first mental institution. Always a nice experience. The first time’s the best usually.

Ended up at my first nuthouse. They wanted me for three months of observation and a year of rehabilitation. I thought that was a little excessive. So, uh, but when they started talking shock treatment, I got a little compliant.

You know what I mean? “What did you want to know again?” Pass ’em along. Thanks. And, uh, you know, just did this psych …

You know, I tried to escape. Every place has got the … I’m an idiot. I tried to escape from the nuthouse.

They had the exit signs that reminded me of it. They’re red here, but they had the green exit signs in the place. So I’m shuffling around in this joint taking my three cups of pills a day and getting my shot, you know, and just cruising around in there, having all my meals. I had my meals with this woman named Kilday.

Loved Kilday. Kilday was nuts, all right? And all you had to do to flip Kilday out was just sit down and have your meal with her, and you sit down and say, “Kilday, how you doing?” Kilday, “Wow.” So every meal was like dinner and a show.

You know, you just- Eat a little food and flip Kilday out, right? So I decide I’m gonna make my big break out of this joint, and I’m getting ready. I’m gonna use Kilday as my diversion, right? So I get everything.

I go, I’m gonna make my break for that door, and I get Kilday, flip Kilday out and head her that way. And I’m like, “Ready, ready, go.” And I’m hauling ass. That’s all I got. Yeah, that’s a shocking moment, man.

When you realize those three little cups of pills, man, all you’ve got’s slow and stopped. From the nurse over the loudspeaker from the nurse’s station, you hear, “Uh, Ed, when you got a minute, do you wanna grab Earl? He’s making a break for the door.” Ed’s in there having a sandwich going, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get him in a minute. He ain’t going nowhere.” Oh man, that’s demoralizing.

Second time I got thrown in the nuthouse, I escaped the first day before they got the Thorazine in me. You know what I mean? So I’m really, really glad to be back in, man. It’s tough out on the streets.

“Hey, look at that.” Pew. I take off and the whistles are going and like there’s a guy chasing me, and I hit the back s- this back door and I’m running along this lawn. There’s an ivy-covered 12-foot chain link fence. And I’m, I got a little theme song playing in my head, you know?

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. I’m heading for this fence, and at that point I’m a high school dropout, I’m a drug addict, I’m an alcoholic. I’m at any moment, hopefully, an escaped mental patient. That’s like my resume.

That’s what I have to say, my– I– if I make that fence, I’ll be drunk in 20 minutes. I don’t have any problems if I’m drinking. Right? 20 minutes.

I mean, my life is already– I mean, I’d been called an alcoholic at 16 and a half years old, and my, my reaction to that was, “What’s your point?” This is me. This is how I live. This is what works for me. I don’t know how to be any other way.

I watch TV. I know it’s not going quite like they got it going on Father Knows Best. I know this doesn’t look like, you know, Ozzie and Harriet, but it’s the best I can do, and I’m doing– All right? So s- uh, three years out on the street doing what you do to stay, you know, drunk.

Three years out on the street. Met a woman at a party. Talked for 20 minutes, went really, really well, so we were in love. And we decided that we needed to build a life around this 20-minute conversation.

And, you know, things weren’t looking real good, so I went on an interview to a, a, a good business college in Northern California. Did the personal interview. End of the interview, I had been accepted to that establishment. Thinking to myself, “How am I gonna pull this off?” Went back to my father, said, “Look, I got accepted to business college.

Don’t ask. Give me a year’s tuition, I’ll leave town.” He said, “Beautiful.” Gave me the money. Rosemary and I piled eight pounds of hash and all our belongings in the back of this truck and- -drove to Northern California for higher learning. And she got a straight job, and I went to college, and I went to get my high school diploma while I was in college.

It’s amazing when you hand them a year’s tuition, it’s like, you know, “Here’s a year’s tuition. The transcripts are in the mail.” They say, “No problem.” So I’m doing this deal and I’ve become a drug dealer, and I have absolutely no problem being a drug dealer ’cause I have no morals. I have no ethics. I have no sense of family.

I have no sense of community. I’m just out there on the loose like this little maniac running around. And I’m– I got this drug business going and I’m studying marketing and production and distribution- -in business college. I’m applying it to my business.

Business is booming. I think this is terrific. You know, Rosemary lives with me for about six months and she starts saying things like, “I’m too high.” And in my opinion, if you can say it, it’s not true.

So we ship her back to LA. I’m doing my thing. Fine. Turn 20 years old, it turns out I have malignant cancer.

Of course I do. So I fly back to LA. They do major surgery on my back. They prepare me to die.

They prepare my family for me to die. And I remember thinking, “You don’t even know who you’re talking to. The way I’m using, this is coming up, like, twice a week. You know, this– could die.

Yeah, whatever.” You know. So I do the little nuclear medicine thing, and that’s boring, so I leave and I go home, and I just get loaded the way I get loaded. And I believed that– And I’m– And I beat the cancer thing, and I basically believed that the way I was using in those days, my body was so toxic cancer could not live in my body. Just cancer just, “Nope.

We’re not doing this guy.” And, uh, I’m a long-term cancer survivor. And, uh, um, next year, I ended up– Oh, thanks. Love to take credit for that, but as you can tell, I can’t. I was contrary to everything everybody had to say.

So I end up back in school. My mother calls me. I’m 21 years old now. I’m a junior in co– I got a high school diploma.

I’m a junior in college. I got an early acceptance to go to USC Law School. My business is booming. I’m figuring, “Gonna need an attorney.” I’m gonna go to law school.

My mother calls me and says, “Look, we haven’t been anywhere as a family in 10 years, and we gotta put this family back together, all right?” And I said, “Fine.” So I flew back to LA, and on my 22nd birthday, we, uh, took off to fly to Guadalajara, and on the way there, the plane crashed. And my mother, my father, and my little sister all died in the crash, and I didn’t. And, uh, I woke up on a mountain in Mexico.

My skull was fractured. My back was broken in three places. I had a lot of internal injuries. Um, paralyzed from the waist down.

My ar– Every-everything was crushed. The only thing I could move was my right arm. Um, and I was awake. And my, uh, mother was laying right over there, and my little sister, Kimberly, was over there, and my father was laying right over there, and I couldn’t get to any of them to help them.

So I laid there and I watched them all bleed to death in front of me. And I had a little talk with God, and I said, “You know what, God? Any God that would take somebody like Kimberly and leave me here, I have no use for a God of this type.” And I renounced God. Some guys came up and they scavenged the plane wreck, and they– I took my wallet out ’cause I wanted to know my name.

I knew I was dying, but I wanted to know my name for some reason. This is just who I am. The guy took my wallet, took the money out of it, and threw it back on my chest, then went through, scavenged the wreck, went back down, left me there to die. And, uh, I had no more love for you either.

I was out of the game. I had no love of God. I had no love of my fellow man. I was just an angry, frightened, insane alcoholic laying at– laying there.

Some guys finally came up and they took me and put me in the back of a flatbed truck with my mother, and they drove us to an aid station, and they tagged my mother dead, and they tagged me dead, and they, uh, sat there smoking cigarettes waiting for me to die, and I didn’t die, so they finally took me to a hospital, Hospital Fatima in Los Mochis, Mexico. And, uh, they found out who I was, so the Federales show up. Another– We don’t need to get into that, but…

Man, they interrogated me for three and a half days. Wouldn’t give me anything for pain. Wanted to know what I was doing back in Mexico. Finally called some friends in Northern California, called some guys in Mexico City, flew in a plane, plastered me from the neck down, and, uh, got me out of Mexico.

Stayed in a hospital in Southern California for quite a while. Um, told me I may or may not walk. I’d probably have a withered left hand. I’d be blind in my left eye.

And I remember thinking, uh, “You don’t even know who you’re talking to, man. Um, I’ll get out of here.” And I got a special brace made for myself, and a friend of mine brought me a cane, and I had hair out like this and a beard and Psychotic. And I got out of that hospital and I went on my last run, and it lasted for, uh, six years.

And I’m talking a six-year run where I didn’t have any of those anchors. I mean, Don talked about it this afternoon. I didn’t have, I didn’t have a family to hold it together for. I didn’t have a career to hold it together for, a wife or kids, um, any particular goals or anything.

I didn’t have anything to hold it together for, so I just let it rip. And I was loaded like a madman for six years. I was sober on three different occasions. They were for 72 hours each, when I would go into a little bootleg sanitarium in, in Hollywood and, uh, pay them 150 cash, give them all your stuff.

They’d strap you to a gurney, shoot you full of anticonvulsants, and let you rock. At the end of 72 hours, they either sent you home or the morgue, and they didn’t really care which way you went. They had their money. And the last time I did that was in, uh, 1978, and I said, uh– I reintroduced myself to God.

I was just kicking like a dog, and I was so sick and beat down. I said, “You know what, God? You get me out of this sane and alive, and I will never, ever, ever, ever drink or use again as long as I live. I can’t take the pain.

I can’t take the madness. I can’t live like this. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know how to get out of this, but I know it’s the drinking.

I w- I swear on everything I hold dear.” And I meant it with every fiber of my being. And I got up off that bed, and I drank for two more years because I could not stop drinking. I couldn’t do it. When I ha– I came out of my last blackout, um, I was 215 pounds.

I was yellow. Heart was swollen. Kidneys messed up. Couldn’t touch the liver.

Thyroid shut down. Bo– I broken 74 bones. I had over 650 stitches in me. My family was dead.

I had no friends. I had no place to live. Both my hands were broken. They were deciding whether or not to charge me with attempted murder.

And I d- I had what they call around here a moment of clarity, where I saw it for what it was. That the cops didn’t do this to me, the DEA and the FBI, my father, God, they didn’t do this to me. This is on me. I’m an alcoholic, and if I don’t want to die, I gotta find a way to live free of this beast.

And I threw up my hands and I said, “Help me.” And they took me by ambulance to a place, and they pumped my stomach and said, “Just get him out of here. He’s gonna die.” I was just a pathetic, drunken boy. And they took me to another place, kept me five days. I got worse, and they took me by ambulance to a place down in Long Beach, uh, under the care of a doctor, Vicky Fox, who saved a lot of alcoholics like me.

And, uh, I stayed there for 17 days of detox and then 30 days on a, on a free bed. And how you earned your cot was you stayed in it. There were 21 cots on each side of the room with sheets drawn between them, and you kicked. And if you threw a seizure, they’d just hit you up, shoot you full of anticonvulsants, and throw you back in the cot .

You know what I mean? And if you didn’t wanna do it, just get up and leave. There’s a line of guys literally dying to get one of those cots. And I hung on to that cot for everything it was worth.

And when I left there, they said, “If you wanna– don’t wanna die, you better go to Alcoholics Anonymous, ’cause it’s the only place a guy like you has got a shot.” And I had been beaten into a state of reasonableness by alcoholism. And I said, “Okay.” And I walked into the basement of a church on a Friday night. I was just talking to Clancy about it at dinner. The Tri-God group in Culver City.

And I walked in the basement of the church Friday night, 8:30 meeting, and I sat in the back of the room with my arms folded, my best tough guy look on my face, mad dogging everybody. ‘Cause I was physically stone cold sober, but my alcoholism was in full effect in my mind. I was still thinking like the guy that was out there on the street. So I sat in the back of the room with my arms folded, and I checked the doors and the w- and the windows.

I looked around the room trying to find out who’s got the juice in here, who’s got the power. I’m gonna slide up on you. I’m gonna burglarize your conversations. I’m gonna find out what the deal is in here, and then I’m out.

That was my plan. I sat in the back and people looking at me, and it was just, you know, “What? What do you want?” But every meeting’s got a new guy who’s just caught fire with Alcoholics Anonymous, and he’s gonna give it away tonight. He didn’t see the looks I was giving him, and here came Vegas.

Vegas N. with nine months, coming right at me, hand out, smiling, excited to just see new guy, right? And I’m- He’s not having it. He just comes up and says, “Hi, my name’s Vegas.

I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what? Ain’t exactly the highlight of my life, pal. I don’t know what you’re so happy about. Get away from me.” And he looked at me and he said, “Keep coming back.” And a couple of guys over there went, “Yeah, yeah, see that?

Vegas told the new guy, keep coming back. Very cool. Very powerful.” And I’m sitting there– Where my reaction was, “Okay, keep coming back. I get it.

Not. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Apparently, you all know what that means. You understand the deep spiritual significance of keep coming back.

I don’t. You win. I lose. Once again, loving AA so far.

Thanks, Vegas. I’m sure when I’m at home pacing, getting my hour of sleep a night I get tonight, it’s about 3:30 in the morning. I’m losing my mind. I’m sure that keep coming back thing gonna be real handy.

Thank you.” And if you’re new and they do that to you, if they do that to you, if they do that, keep coming back one day at a time. Hey, just turn it over, will ya? Will you just turn it over?

I hope you have more guts than I had. Just step up and say, “Excuse me. Don’t understand the deep spiritual significance of one day at a time. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit?” Where I got sober, if they were honest, about 70% of them would say, “You know, I don’t know what it means either.” They said it to

me when I came in. I’m just saying it to you. “Hey, there’s a guy over there who reads the big book. Let’s go ask him.

Maybe he knows.” Just a little opinion of mine. So I’m sitting in the back and this old-timer gets up, and he’s an ex-boxer, a wino, and a, and a, and a skid row guy. So I immediately knew, “Pfft, this guy’s got nothing for me. I’m none of those things.” ‘Cause I could spot the difference between you and me in a heartbeat.

You’re a woman, you don’t know about me. Five years older, five years younger, you don’t know about me. It’s not better or worse, just different. You come up through something different than I do, right?

You black, you gay- Are you Hispanic? You Asian? Whatever you may be. I mean, I got the wagon circle so tight by the time I got here, man.

If you’re not Earl, you don’t know about me. So I don’t gotta listen to you. But the beautiful thing about the way I got to Alcoholics Anonymous was this old-timer gets up and says his name’s whatever and he’s an alcoholic. I didn’t have anywhere to go.

I had absolutely no place to go. So I just sat there, and this guy talked openly and honestly about his feelings as a man, and he did it with this, with this grace and this dignity that I had never seen before. I’d never seen anybody do that, and it was profound for me. This guy, the way he talked and what he was talking about was profound for me.

None of it was sticking, but just the experience of, of him was remarkable for me. And then it was like he looked right at me and said, “You know what? I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not. You don’t like it, go to another meeting.” And I loved that because it made it clear to me he’s not selling me something.

He’s sharing it with me. If I want it, I can have it. It’s for free. Don’t like it?

No problem. Go to another meeting. Maybe you’ll hear somebody you can identify with. And I thought, “That’s cool.” Now, I thought that with a look of absolute disdain on my face.

Thinking, “Pfft. Right.” Inside thinking, “Cool. I’m coming back.” “I’m coming back, but I can’t let anybody know how I’m feeling.” And I’ve never left you. One day at a time I’ve been coming back and, and, uh, I’m over, I’m, uh, over twenty-two and a half years sober now, and I couldn’t stay sober for a You’re

clapping for yourselves because I guarantee you none, none of the success of my being able to stay sober for over twenty-two years has anything to do with as Earl sees it. There isn’t any Everything that I have that’s of value I got from the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous who came before me. So I started coming back and I kept coming to meetings, and y’all suggest things to us newcomers when we’re in the meetings. They go, “You got a sponsor?” “No.” “You need to get a sponsor.” “Okay.” “What the hell is it?” “A

sponsor is somebody who’s got what you want.” “Uh, I would like to drink.” Maybe it’s a little early to be throwing the ball back in my court. What I have since come to believe is that I want a sponsor who’s got what he wants. It’s a good definition of happiness, wanting what you’ve got.

I didn’t want the guy with the flashy car, the big bank account or, or, you know, all that stuff, that outside stuff. I’d had stuff and stayed miserable. I wanted the guy with the light beams coming out of his head. I wanted the guy with a passion for living.

I wanted somebody who could feel strongly about something because I’d lost the fire inside me. All the passion in me was gone. There was just a pilot light flickering inside, and I’ve met this insane madman, the late great Donald Madden, who was my original sponsor. He’s hard to talk about tonight.

Donald Madden didn’t tell me about Alcoholics Anonymous. He showed me. He didn’t ask me to become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to him destroyed, and I asked him to be my sponsor, and he said, “You don’t have to like what I tell you, and you don’t have to think it’s a good idea.

You just have to do it.” Don talked a lot about that this afternoon, that this is a program of action. I have come to understand that it is not what I know that will keep me sober. It is what I do that will keep me sober. I must take these actions.

It’s the chop wood and carry water plan, man. You gotta chop the wood and carry the water of AA. I can sit in meetings till kingdom come, sitting there waiting for the words and the wisdom of the men and women who’ve gone before me to just wash over me and somehow stick inside me. But if I want what they got, I gotta do what they did to get it.

I gotta do what they did to get it, and I wanted to be a free man. I’d been a slave to alcohol and drugs since I was twelve years old, and I wanted to be a free man. And I was sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous com– with alcoholism in full effect. The obsession in my mind was in full effect, and I went to this guy, Donald Madden.

He said– He’d call me up and he’d say, “We’re meeting at Ohio Street. We’re taking over the meeting. Be there at seven thirty.” Click. He never called up and said, “Earl, would you like to go to a meeting?” “How do you feel about a meeting?

If you have a little extra free time, would you pick Ed up on the corner of Sixth and Santa Monica? He’d appreciate it. If not, just let me know. We’ll get somebody else.” He just said, “Go to the meeting.

Pick Ed up. Bring him to the meeting.” He j- j- j– You know, and I thought, “You know, nobody ever asks me anything around here.” “Nobody wants to know what I think.” I actually said that to him once, and he just looked at me and smiled, and he said, “That is correct.” He was great.

And I talked to him every day until the day he died, July 25th. Uh, last July 25th was nine years. And it broke my heart when Donald Madden died because he was the original for me. Everybody’s got their original.

He was my original. He’s the one that showed me how to get the fire. He’s the one that showed me how to catch the buzz, the buzz that I thought was gone forever. He told me– He showed me there’s a new way in here.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, you can get free. You can catch a buzz. You can be in life. You can have it.

He was– We were waiting for them to come get the body, a few of us that were sponsored by him, and, uh, I heard his voice in my head. I thought he was dead. And his– And I heard his voice say, “Get a sponsor, you little son of a bitch.” And then I thought, “Okay, who?” And then the first name that rolled through was a guy that I knew Donna loved and I knew loved Donna.

It was like another guy sitting at the same table, just a different chair. Called up Al S., and I said, “Al Donelsdale, will you sponsor me?” And he said, yes. And I went and I met with him. I said, “What do you want me to do?” He says, “You’re doing everything you’re supposed to do.

You understand the difference between the program and the fellowship. You go to the meetings, you have commitments, you sponsor people, you speak, you’re willing to be sponsored and take direction. You’re doing all that stuff.” I said, “And– But you also understand that that’s the fellowship, that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is found in this book, and that you’ve, you’ve been reading this book, you have worked these steps. I would suggest you’re a little light on one aspect of step eleven, the meditation aspect.” And I, and I said, “Okay, what do you want me to do?” And he goes, “Here’s the number.

Call it and do what they say.” And I said, “Yes, sir.” And I called them and it was a meditation school. And they said, “Come here for this series of things and you’re gonna know how to meditate.” And I said, “Okay.” And showed up and did it. And he’s the guy that taught me, “All you gotta do, Earl, is you gotta get between these.” And I thought, “Cute.” Possibly even clever, but I don’t…

You know? He said, “Earl, just get right, right just get in there. Just right in there.” “It’s all you’re after.” I said, “What are you talking about?” He goes, “It’s just right here, right now, Earl. There isn’t anything else.

There’s nothing else but right here and right now.” You know, there’s a dance after this. Maybe. We don’t know yet. You know, we don’t know.

We don’t know, right? There are some good speakers. It’s done. It’s done.

It’s done. There’s now. This is all we got. This is the only place I can know any dignity as a man.

This is the only place I can love and be loved. That thing I swore on that mountain in Mexico I would never do again as long as I live. I would never be lo– I would never let you love me. I’m never gonna tell you who I am.

There’s no way you’re gonna love me, and I’m not gonna love you. I’m out. I’m out. And I carried that well into Alcoholics Anonymous.

You guys picked my pocket like a thief in the night. You told me to come in Alcoholics Anonymous and working these twelve steps a-and, and being involved in the fellowship and w– and working with newcomers. Despite what my head said, taking the action of doing that and getting out of self and being of service to others, you told me if I did this, that I would have a pretty good chance of not drinking or using anymore. You told me in the first sentence of chapter five, which we read tonight, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” And I thought, “Okay, I will roll the dice of my life on your game, and all I want is to not drink or use

anymore. Just do– Make it so I don’t have to go back into madness. That’s what I want from you. Would you give me that?” And you said, “Sure.” You didn’t tell me that you were gonna do so much more.

You didn’t tell me that. You didn’t tell me you’d give me right here, right now back. You didn’t tell me that you’d give me life, the only place I can live it, back. And you did.

It was rude of you not to mention it. That that’s what would happen. The– I mean, my whole thing was I like heroin, I like alcohol, I like barbiturates. These are a few of my favorite things, all right?

My idea of a good night’s sitting around checking my pulse. That’s a good night. But if you don’t have that, I’ll take the cocaine. I’ll take a big bag of the cocaine.

Uh, sure, let’s shoot the cocaine up and drive around the freeways decoding license plates. Sure. That’s fine. The point is, up or down, irrelevant.

I just gotta get out of right here, right now. ‘Cause right here, right now, I’m self-centered and I’m afraid. Right here, right now, I’m comparing my insides to your outsides, and I’m losing every single time. I can’t live in the pain and the isolation and the loneliness of that, so I must get out of here.

Alcoholics Anonymous gave it back where I get to live my life. I get to be in this room with you. Something I could never, ever do. This is the only place a life for me like this is gonna happen.

What’s fascinating about that for me is that I get right here, right now, it’s this duality of life, that I work through the twelfths. There’s this triangle with a circle, right? Ancient spiritual symbol, mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being, and therein lies the balance I’ve sought my whole life and never had drunk or sober, ever. Alcoholics Anonymous adopted that symbol.

It’s the same thing. Unity, service, and recovery. Unity is the body. I bring it here.

I could not get sober, but we can together. If, if I’m with my fellows, I seem to do okay. I can s– I can’t know that I’m changing, but I can see it in you all the time. “Wow, that guy, this guy’s changing.

That’s really remarkable.” I seem to be doing the same thing he’s doing. Possibly I’m changing as well. I certainly seem, seem to have a better class of problems today than I used to. The recovery’s of the mind, the greater aspect of my, of my disease.

This isn’t about stopping drinking and using. Yes, we do not drink and use here. If we weren’t so stringent upon that one particular item, I think AA might be a much bigger outfit. But this isn’t just about stopping drinking.

It’s how do I stay stopped? The only way I can stay stopped is to be comfortable sober. If I can’t get comfortable sober, planets are gonna line up one day just right, and I’m gonna get drunk. So I have to be relieved of the thing that makes it impossible for me to be comfortable sober.

The obsessive nature of my mind as it relates to alcoholism. This voice in my head. The book tells me the persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man is astonishing. Many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death.

I’m a gate guy. I gotta stay here. I gotta get comfortable sober. And this, how do you get relieved of the obsession of mine?

Work the steps. Step four. Step one. What’s the problem?

Lack of power. What’s the solution to that? Power. Step two, a power greater than myself that would restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink.

What should I do about that? Step three. Get down on my knees and turn my will and my life over to the care of a God I may or may not understand. My understanding is irrelevant.

My, my approval is not required. Just do it. I do it. Four and five is me, six and seven is God, and eight and nine is you.

Nobody else to play with. Four and five, I swallow large chunks of truth about myself. Me. Start– notice the order of these.

Get it straight here. Where am I standing today? I wanna get from A to Z, gotta determine A first. If you can’t call somebody up and say, “How do I get to Burger King?” “Well, where are you currently?” “I don’t know.”

They’re gonna have a little problem telling you how to get to Burger King. I gotta do four and five. I gotta look at where I’m standing. Six and seven, hook it back up with God.

Ask God to remove the defects of character, ’cause I’ll remove the wrong stuff. I’ll get in a little negotiation on that. Eight and nine, hook it back up with you. Very, very sorry, back in the house.

None of these big, long con, you know, “Hey, wait, you’re gonna love me. I’m on a spiritual journey. I’m making amends. Have a seat.

I’m gonna wow you now with this.” No. Very, very sorry, here’s your money, back in the house. Ten, 11, and 12, keep me in a process I have just scratched the surface on. Ten, me, 11, 12– 11, God, and 12, you.

Same thing. I continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it because I’ll create resentments left and right. I’ll fester and I’ll die sitting in a meeting Alcoholics Anonymous. 11, seek God.

How? Through prayer and meditation. What do I pray for? Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

Why do I meditate? To quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of doing that, having been restored to sanity, soundness of mind, relieved of the obsession to drink and use, the beast no longer whispering in my ear as I’m cleaning up Ohio Street, you know.

Third side of the triangle, service, you. I can be of service. How can I help? Not ’cause I’m a good guy, ’cause I don’t wanna die drunk.

I don’t wanna die drunk, so I’m of service to other people. And suddenly, as I’m focusing on not drinking and using and I’m helping this guy out, I’m going there and all, this life seems to happen. And suddenly I, I call my sponsor one day and I say, “Donald, something terrible has happened.” And he says, “What is it?” And I said, “I love you.” And I was serious.

This is not good. Because now I’m wor– if he’s there or if he’s not there, I care. I mean, I care. What the hell happened?

And he just said, “Oh, I know.” Click. And then I got friends and I got a job, and a job turned into a career, and I’m just showing up. I’m calling up my sponsor.

I’m talking to the guys that I’m hanging with sober. I got clear minds around me now instead of these maniacs I’m running with, right? And life starts to happen ’cause I’m out of the way. I’m not in the way, and this life starts to happen.

Now I got this amazing life. I sponsor a legion of guys who sponsor a ridiculous number of other human beings, right? I mean, I’m in– I have this life. It’s like I, I talk to my wife all the time, it’s like, my life seems to have set up I cannot escape you now.

I don’t know how it happened, but I’ll be thinking, “You know what? I’m sick. I’m tired. I’ve had it.

I need to take a few days off.” The phone rings. “Yeah, right, Louie. How are you? All right.

Right. Well, here’s what we’re gonna…” I mean, I just– I– you’re just always around. You’re always there. And I have to be with you all the time.

It’s how I set– I’ve like tricked myself into this life. And if you’re new, congratulations. We’re glad you’re here. We understand.

I know you think, “No way they could understand.” Way. We do. We understand better than you do. We understand better than you do.

And we’re really glad. When we say we’re glad you’re here, we’re not lying. We’re not glad you’re here because, you know, we’re gonna now get ten percent of your income. Or we got one more guy to stand at the airport handing out big books.

It’s not what we do. We really, really are glad you’re here, and we remember what it’s like to be new. I have to remember what it’s like to be new. I remember me driving up to Ohio Street, brand new, f- just a few months of sobriety, and I pull it up and it’s just the inside of your head when you’re new and thinking, “All right, it’s Ohio Street.

It’s Ohio Street. I found the building. I found the building. It’s good, good, good, good, good.

Good, good, good.” Park the car, go in there, put the key under the seat. Put the key under the seat. Find a guy to sit next to. Find the guy with…

Sit next to the guy with the red coat. Guy with the red coat. Guy with the red coat, that’s great. You sit next to him.

You find the guy with the red coat you find your seat. It’s good. It’s good. “How you doing?” “Fine.” “How you doing?” “Fine.” “How you doing?” “Fine.” They start the meeting.

They start the meeting, and you’re sitting in your little chair, you know? The guy, he’s up. He’s up. What’s he doing?

I don’t know what he’s doing. He’s gone. I didn’t get any of that thing. There’s another guy, he’s up.

He rarely saw something. Rarely saw something. Okay, he rarely saw something. He rarely saw something.

Rarely saw something. Twelve steps and A. Twelve things and A. Twelve things.

Oh, ABC, ABC. Twelve things and ABC. He’s down. I didn’t get a lot of that.

Twelve things, ABC. Twelve things, ABC. I gotta hang on to that. I gotta try to hang on.

He’s down. He’s up. He’s up. He drank.

He drank. I drink like that. I drink like that. I love that guy.

That guy was great. Where is he going? I like that guy. I like that guy.

We’re back. We’re back. They’re passing a basket. They’re passing a basket.

Don’t take the money. Don’t take the money. Don’t take the money.

Good, good, good. Don’t take the money. Don’t take the money. Okay, we’re up.

We’re up. Where are we going? We’re going. Smoke, smoke.

I smoke. We’ll go. We’ll smoke. Smoke.

We’ll smoke, smoke. Ringing a bell, ringing a bell. What are we doing? We’re going back inside.

Where’s the guy with the red coat? Red coat, red coat, red coat. Where is the guy with the red coat? Sit down.

“How you doing?” “I’m fine. I’m fine. I said I was fine. All right?

I’m fine.” They’re reading 12 things. Those aren’t the same 12 things. Twenty-four things, ABC. Twenty-four things, ABC.

There’s another guy, he’s up, he’s up, he’s up. He– what is he saying? He’s saying, “I drink like that. I drink like that.

I drink like that.” Oh, forget that other guy. I love this guy. This guy is terrific. Who was that guy?

What is he talking– “I felt like that. I felt like that. I felt like that.” How does this guy know how I feel? This is amazing.

Be calm. Be calm. This guy is amazing. He’s down.

I love that man. I love that man. He’s down. He’s down.

Another guy’s up. He’s up. We’re up. They got me.

We’re up. We’re praying. All right, we’re praying. Yeah, I know this prayer.

Prayer, prayer, prayer. And then I would walk out of the meeting and somebody’d say, “What did you think of the meeting?” I’d say, “It’s great.” And I would cry all the way home and try to figure out what the hell ABC was and, and the 24 things. And get an hour of sleep, and I’d get up, and I’d go do it two or three more times the next day trying to find… And that was me in the beginning.

So when I take a newcomer to a meeting to hear Al S. talk or Clancy talk or Don talk or any number of amazing speakers in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I’m thinking, “Look at this. This is really cool. This guy’s breaking it down, and this guy’s here, and I’m a chain and the human thing, and the whole thing is going, and it’s great.” And we walk out of the meeting and Louie looks up and I say, “What do you think?” “I think this is unbelievable.” And Louie looks at me

and says… I look at him and say, “How you doing, Louie?” And he goes, “How was the meeting?” “Fine.” He gets his turn. You get your turn if you’re new in here. We’re cool with it.

This goes way past not drinking or using. There is a buzz to be caught here, and the cool thing about it is I used to… For me to feel I had an exciting evening, man, I heard a bullet go by. That was exciting.

I could feel that. But I was so dead inside, it took something like that for me to get excited. Now, I get to marvel in the ordinary. I get to marvel in the course of my day.

My wife and I got a house in, in Studio City. Got this house. First, her first home for me since I was 12 years old. And we’re there, and it’s like this huge moving experience, but of course, can’t let anybody know that.

So I’m standing out on the front lawn, I’m looking at the other houses, and we got a front lawn. Front lawn. Plants and stuff growing everywhere. And there’s like a hose and everything out front, and people are driving.

The neighbors are coming to the fence going, “How you doing?” “Good. Good to see you, neighbor. Good to see you, neighbor.” I know the lingo. I got it.

Neighbor. Right? Thinking to myself, “They don’t know. Let’s keep it that way.” Just going along, and I think…

I see people watering their front lawns. You don’t wanna have the dead lawn out front so everybody knows where the dope fiends live. You don’t wanna have that. So you get the hose out and you turn the water on, and you know, um.

Turn the water on. All of a sudden, I’m having this little moment, you know. The light’s coming through the trees on our street, these beautiful sycamore trees, and there’s water on the leaves, and they kinda do a little prismatic effect, and it’s just kind of looking kind of very cool, and I’m just kinda settling into this and I’m thinking, “This is cool.

This is very cool. I’m liking this.” And suddenly it occurs to me, if I’m not mistaken, plants are alive. And if I’m also, I’m also not mistaken, plants breathe in carbon dioxide and out oxygen. Now, I’m standing right over here, breathing in the oxygen and breathing out the carbon dioxide.

We got a little thing going here. This is nice. This is a little more water for you, my brother. This is a little more water for you, my sister.

I’m catching a buzz on the front lawn. I run in the house to my wife and go, “Honey, they’re alive.” She says, “I know, darling. You got some more friends in the backyard. Why don’t you go play with them?” Yeah.

I’m in the backyard. Guy driving down the street sees man on front lawn watering plants. Now what’s happening? Alcoholic on front lawn catching big, big buzz.

That’s what’s going on. You may have to stand in line. I get to. The power of choice has been given back to me.

I get to decide the way it’s gonna be. I get caught in traffic on the freeway, more music for me. Get on the cellphone, start talking to my friends. “What are you doing?” “Hanging out in the car.” “Why?” “Do I need a reason?

I’m just here. There’s cars in front, cars in back. I’m here. It’s all right.” None of these people behind me are after me.

All that, you’re new, all that. Alcoholics Anonymous. Buzz. All you can…

You medita… You breathe in, you breathe out. You’re coming out of your skull from a different angle. Alcoholics Anonymous, right between those.

Big buzz. Today. Now. Peace, joy, purpose, value, friends, loving, being loved, hope for the hopeless man.

It’s an absolutely phenomenal deal. If you’re new, come on. Just come on. Find yourself somebody in here with a light on in their eyes, somebody who’s caught the buzz, and just follow them.

And you don’t have to like what they tell you, and you don’t have to think it’s a good idea. You just have to do it. If you just take the action, you might find a wi– a life beyond your wildest dreams. You might find that here.

I did, and I’m a hopeless, hopeless man. I couldn’t do anything… I’ve done two things right my whole life. I drank, because if I hadn’t have drunk it, I’d blown my head off long before it ever got to you.

And the second thing I did right was I got beaten down enough to come in here, and when you said, “Go left,” I just said, “Okay” and I went left. Out of that, a life beyond my wildest dreams. Out of that, I’m stand… Me, I’m standing up here looking at you.

Very strange. It’s a very strange thing for a self-centered, frightened person like me. What’s happened is, is I’m sitting in front of about 3,000 people, and I can honestly tell you, you alcoholics and drug addicts, I love you. I do.

I don’t know you, but I do, ’cause we’re here together. Room full of dead people sitting up pretending they’re paying attention to me. But today … It’s an absolutely remarkable thing.

I wish you… The hardest thing, I think, for people like us to find, I wish you peace. Thanks a lot.