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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 850 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: rashad-c-h-i-service-and-traditions-in-cocaine-anonymous-ca-1994-archive-850.mp3 Duration: 01:09:04
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OK. My name's Rashad C.. Hi, Rashad. Let's open up this meeting with the, have this gentleman start. Pray of your choice. Because any meeting of Cocaine Anonymous, you know what, let's bring the spiritual side of this program into it. You know, and talking about, man, because this is about unity. Unity, you and I. Easy way to remember. Pray of your choice, please. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I have a card here I need to read. This is not a meeting of Cocaine Anonymous. The opinions expressed in this workshop are those of the speaker and are not necessarily of Cocaine Anonymous as a whole. This is why the traditions are very important.
And when we get into talking about the third tradition, the requirement for membership, we don't have shot callers in Cocaine Anonymous. I don't know about you guys, I've never seen anybody walk in with sergeant stripes on their arm, OK? Everyone, and this is the thing that kept me coming back into this program, everyone here is equal. Everyone here is clean. Everyone here is working in their program. And that there's an equality in here I have never experienced anywhere else. And I have a volunteer today to read the 12 traditions.
My name is Jim Nomadic. Hi, Jim. This is the 12 traditions of Cocaine Anonymous. One, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon C.A. unity. Two, for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority. A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern. Three, the only requirement for C.A. membership is the desire to stop using cocaine and all other minority substances.
Four, each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or C.A. as a whole. Five, each group has but one primary purpose, the curious message to the addict who still suffers. Six, a C.A. group ought never endorse finance or lend the C.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise. The last problems of money, property, and prestige diverge from our primary purpose. Seven, every C.A. group ought to employ self-support and reclaim outside contributions. Eight, Cocaine Anonymous should remain forever non-professional or a service that may employ special workers. Nine, C.A. as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible for those they serve.
Ten, Cocaine Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the C.A. name ought never be drawn in public controversy. Eleven, a public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, television, and film. Twelve, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions and will remind us of this principle before personality. Thank you.
How many people here have been on an H&I panel? Can I get a show of hands here? Okay. Some have been involved, some not. Those of you who haven't, strongly, strongly suggest get involved with H&I, hospital and institutions. H&I is a group of people, volunteers, usually volunteered by their sponsors, to take meetings into those people who can't get to us. And a lot of times you'll hear a lot of stuff about prisons. H&I just isn't for prisons. It's also for the mental institutions, the county jails, and any type of public health facility. A lot of the, what I call, spend right units will invite us in with a panel. Generally speaking, H&I is, it's a meeting on wheels. That's the best way I can describe it. Also, it's been my experience since I've been in the program that people who are involved in H&I have the best understanding of the steps, have the best understanding of the traditions, and carry the clearest message. And there's a simple reason for that. First of all, we're all going to get together at a meeting to plan meetings for H&I.
So we get to hear recovery at that time. Then on the way to the meeting, we've got another meeting going. We're talking about steps, and we're talking about traditions. Then we have the meeting at the meeting place. Then we've got another meeting going back home. And then we get another meeting at coffee. And if you're that heavily involved in step and traditions, then the information is there. The strength is there. The knowledge is there. All we have to do then is develop that willingness to put it into practice. And so all of a sudden, you know what? If you're just consumed with steps and traditions and how they work in your life,
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you know what? If I'm thinking about recovery, I'm not thinking about using them. If I'm on my way to a meeting, I'm not thinking about using them. I'm coming back from a meeting. I surround myself with people that love me so much, they'll never offer me a fixed pill or a drink. And that's so important to me. When we get involved with the HNI program, a lot of times I used to share with people, you know what? You know, I've got brain damage. That way, if I say something you think is stupid, then you just share the person next to you. You don't have to believe what he just said because he's got brain damage. Anymore, I just tell people, you know, I was raised by HNI, hospital institutions. Because when you start talking about, you know, driving three hours to get to a prison, that's a level of commitment, isn't it? You suit up, you show up, and you be there. That's commitment. Another word for commitment is willingness, isn't it?
Willingness to go any lengths, you know, to maintain our sobriety. And that is the most powerful thing. We talk about how the program, the honesty, open-mindedness, and the willingness. People come in and I wasn't honest when they came in. I wasn't open. I was closed in, sitting in the back of the bus with the rest of the paranoia. But I had one thing going for me. That was the willingness, the willingness to change, the willingness to grow. And my sponsor taught me, you know what? All fault lies in lack of knowledge. See, my higher power is perfect.
Only one that's never burnt me. Only one that's never disappointed me. So what I get in touch with right there in terms of this program, I need to learn the steps and how to deal with life on life's terms. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I got into recovery, you know, my lady didn't start acting right. My car didn't start all the time. The lights weren't always green. So life doesn't go out of session just because we get into recovery. I had that tendency to think everybody should act right and love me because I'm in recovery. It doesn't work that way.
Life does not go out of session. Life is still in session. And that's what I talk about in terms of the rollercoaster ride. We get into traditions. Obviously, an H&I panel is different than a regular meeting of Cocaine Anonymous. There is probably as many different meetings in H&I as there are out here. Primarily, when we talk about an H&I panel, we're talking about bringing a group of people into a facility that can't get to us. And each person on that panel shares. They talk about what it was like, what happened, and where they're at today. That's what we talk about, the hope in the program. Because when I first came in, you know, the war stories, I was in the middle of a war story. I was in the middle of the wreckage of the present. But what the H&I people carried to me and what I heard was hope. Hope that, you know what, one of us that's been where we have been and feel like we feel and do the things that we've done can make it. We can get clean, stay clean, and get massive amount of hugs on a daily basis, okay? And that to me is the essence of an H&I panel. If you're walking into a maximum security prison, 95% of the people there are doing life without possibility and will never see the streets. Now, why are you going to bring in a sad story? You're in the middle of a sad story, a massive sad story. But the flip side of that and it's a six-step issue, you know, if all we come in with is how tough it is on the streets, why does anybody want to go back to it? But if we can bring in that message of hope, a little light behind the eyes, a little smile on the face, because when I saw H&I coming in smiling, I think, well, I'd be smiling too if I was going home tonight. But what they brought into me was a message of hope. And to me, that is the message that we can carry in today.
We get in touch with our traditions. Primarily, what we get involved with is the simple issue that it is not a CA meeting. It doesn't fall under the guidelines. H&I is just a little bit different. First of all, and I mentioned it before, you know, we're going to have supervision there, especially if you're in a prison or county jail situation. You may have a uniformed staff member there. You may have gunmen walking rails and whatnot. And it takes a minute to get used to that type of environment because, you know what, I don't know about you guys, but I have trust issues, you know, and I don't want to tell a cop what I've done. You know, they know enough about me as it is without getting more involved with some wreckage of the past and whatnot.
But what we can do is come in, bring that message that, you know what, you don't have to do this one again. That's why we've got steps. We can deal with that pain of life and we can deal with those rage issues that we don't have to go back off into that aberrant behavior and that bizarre behavior that will lead us into a total lockdown or locked up situation. And the essence on this
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one here is if we're following traditions, then, you know what, we're not going to create roughness because there's a simple rule. I met the man one time and I just felt it was such a blessing because I always claim, you know, being raised H&I, I met the co-founder of H&I in Los Angeles and he said the message is simple and the rules are simple. We don't bring anything in to on an H&I panel, but a clear message of recovery and we don't take anything out, but a clear message of recovery. A lot of the 12-step programs have been kicked out of prisons and county jails for bringing in congregants. Here, let me fix it for the guys. Let me do something to make them feel good and they bring in something outside of self. And yet the greatest gift that we can share with anyone is the gift that was shared with us and that's the program of recovery. What we need to touch on is in our traditions, at a regular meeting, we can just say anything and do anything.
Matter of fact, I encourage that, especially where the newcomers are concerned. Yeah, yeah, come on in and whatnot. But when we're talking about the H&I panels, we get into the unity issues. The unity issue to me is being able to set a good example. My sponsor got me into that because he knew at the time that I would do more for you than I would do for me, because I need that attention, that acceptance, that appreciation, the affection. So I'm well, here, turn me into a doormat. But what the program teaches us today is how to stand up and when we come in, and especially on a unity issue, we need to look and act like addicts, actively involved in our own recovery. They've got dress codes, okay? Now in straight men facilities, the guys I bring in, usually people I sponsor, they understand if I'm their sponsor, they're going to be involved in H&I. Otherwise, why am I your sponsor? Because I'm hardcore H&I.
Matter of fact, I used to claim I was a purist, and then I was a purist, and then on my last recovery birthday, the kids got my attention. They got me a sweatshirt, and on the front of it, it said Rashad. On the back of it, it said CA Nazi. And I'm going, you know, I can't wear this thing anywhere. You know, people don't understand that. And it kind of gave me an attitude check, because that's what I need. I need you people in my life. If I'm that far out of pocket, I need somebody to come up and pull my coattail. Tell my brother, where you at?
And so I found out where they got the sweatshirt and how the, you know, the lettering all that went back down. And now it reads in parentheses above the Nazi, it says benevolent, okay? Because our purpose on H&I panel is not to beat people up. I don't go into an H&I panel talking about, oh, you poor guys. But I tell you what, when I walk out of an H&I panel, I got an attitude of gratitude that's unbelievable. And I get real clear, if you've been there, you get to go back, you have the privilege and the blessing of carrying something of great value with you, because you're giving them something that will affect the rest of their lives.
Because I've always shared, I'll always have an attitude of gratitude toward H&I people in this program as a whole, because they give me the freedom from active addiction and give me the freedom from the prison systems. And now I have that blessing of driving three hours to go to an H&I panel. And I don't snivel about, I tell them, man, you know what, great meeting getting there, meeting there, and a great meeting coming back. Because that's what this thing is involved in.
So when we walk in, we're in touch, like it talks about, number one, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon CAUnity. If we walk in there and we're fighting with each other, what are we telling people? What's the message we're carrying? We're carrying a mess then. We need to be able to work through and resolve issues. We get into group purpose one, ultimate authority. That's what this notice here is about. We have only one ultimate authority, and that's a loving God, as he may express himself in our group conscience. No one's got this program. No human being. No one. But together, we've got it. Together, we've got the knowledge, we've got the experience, and we've got the understanding and the ability to share with each other. So it is a group thing. It is a unity thing. Only requirement for membership.
I used to kid people about, you know what, and I mentioned it last night. One meeting I went to, half the people thought if he hadn't used a needle bin in the penitentiary, he hadn't hit bottom, And the other half thought that if you came in with a watch and your mom was still talking to you, you hadn't hit bottom. You know, that's not the idea here. What we're carrying in is a message, you know what, when you hit bottom, come on in.
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Welcome home. And be able to create that environment where people want to come back to our meetings. Create an environment where when people get out, the first thing is suggested, you know what, when you make the phone call. it's not to the connection, it's to the area hotline and you find out where a meeting is. And when they get to a meeting, you talk about a feeling of feel good, I call them paydays.
I see somebody come out of a hospital or an institution, and they're there, and I thought, man, you know what, this thing works, because in our fourth tradition, we talk about autonomy, each group is autonomous, that's why H&I every once in a while, I know they're in Southern California, some of the people who are not H&I get a little fearful of us because we get a little radical about things, and we got this simple rule, I do it, let me own the statement, I have a simple rule, if somebody makes a commitment to go on an H&I panel, I tell them in front, do not make a commitment to me, because if you break it, one reason for breaking an H&I commitment, you're in the hospital dying, second reason for making a commitment and breaking it to me, you're in the ground dead, the third one is, you're already in the prison, real simple, because there's nothing more deflating, more depressing, sitting in a prison, waiting for the H&I panel to show up and have a good meeting, and nobody shows up, it's like, you know what, you're done giving your money away, and you're waiting for them to come back, and they never show up, those are the feelings that come up for me, so I get real clear, say what you mean, mean what you say, and if you can't do that, don't say anything at all, because these people can't get to us, they don't have the choices that we have, and they depend upon us, if you're not dependable, that's cool, all that means to me is you haven't had a chance to read the book, you haven't had a chance to work the steps, and you probably don't have a sponsor, or if you do have a sponsor, he hasn't worked the steps and gotten involved, because it goes back down to that willingness again, how willing are you today, I think everybody has the ability to work the steps, in the public traditions, what I get into, and I used to say, well, yeah, I'm working the steps to the best of my ability, no, no, no, today I work the steps to the best of my willingness, am I willing to suit up and show up, and what is the motivation behind it, going in on an H and I panel, it is not being in a personality contest, or a beauty contest, if that's what you're going there for, I suggest you stay out of it, I used to trip, and I've shared it, I went to my first meeting this time, because they told me the ladies were going to be there, I told them, grade 11 tradition, program of attraction, and what not, and today, when I go in on an H and I panel, in the last year, I've only brought in one panel to a prison, it was all males, I always have one or two females with me, talking about 11 tradition, and I joke with the guys, but the ladies I bring in to a panel, I've got the knowledge of the steps, they know about the tradition, and they come in to carry that clear message, and they're not going in there to catch them a boyfriend, okay, or get into a beauty contest, now, you know, a lot of times, I was always sitting there on the panel, as a panel member, and I loved it when the ladies come in, smell a perfume, the sound of high heel clicking, you know, it was great, and I come home, and this old man that first talked to me, and got me, you know, involved with this thing, he comes in, I see him, I get a big hug, and for years, we had fantasized about he and I together on an H and I panel, and I'm going, man, he thought of me, he always called me Rochard, you know, country boy, and he said, you all ready to go on an H and I panel, I told him, yes, sir, so he takes me out to the county jail, Lairdville facility there in Bakersfield, and we walk in, and it's a women's facility, and I'm going, oh, my God, you know, and for the first time in my life, I saw the flip side of it, saw the flip side of it, and when the girls walked in, I'm talking about, next time you come back in, will you wear your pants a little tighter, and I'm going, what, and I'm just going, I said, well, I used to think about that, too, you know, I asked the girls to wear their pants a little tighter, and it was just, it put the balance in my life, and so I finally got the complete picture of it, and I always recommend to people, and one of the guys that I sponsor, and we're in Bakersfield, I'll take them out there, here, experience this side of it, and also, they've got a women's facility and a men's facility, and we will alternate on that, but the message that we carry is so important, so important, that's like, and we mentioned earlier about the dress code, when I go into a prison environment, I'm in slacks, I got a shirt, sometimes I wear a tie, sometimes I don't, I always suggest to the ladies, you
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know, that they wear a skirt, and because what we're getting into now, and we talk about in our 11th edition, the program of attraction, we want the people to concentrate on the message, not the person, okay, and again, we need the balance, like I said, the area that I carry the one program to up in the state prison, their area voted no females to be allowed into the state prison system on an H and I panel, and the area H and I chair shared that with me, and I told him, well, I'm not in your area, and he said, cool, they'll love you coming up there, and it seems like on the second Sunday, when I go up there with one or two ladies, oh, we got 75, 80 people at a meeting, where it's usually about 25 to 30, so, you know, there's a program, but you ladies have got the advantage on an H and I panel, especially going into a men's prison, they listen to you more than they do the guys, because they're in an all-male environment, they're used to listening to the guys and not paying any attention to them, but when you ladies come in and you start firing down about here, step one, acceptance, this is where I'm at, and especially, I always encourage the girls to talk about relationships and how the steps work in relationships, obviously with the guys in prison, their relationships with their ladies isn't that cool, all right, and they get up there and whine, I call it PMS, the poor me syndrome, get in there, oh, whine, whine, whine, and I tell them, oh, you know, my impression, you know, when I was out there using, I'd get arrested, and heck, you know, before I got to arraignment, Sancho was wearing my clothes, see, and so there's always that issue of trust and communication and involvement in relationships, for me, recovery is only about relationships, there's nothing else, and so the better I apply step and tradition in my relationships, the more fun I have and the least amount of wreckage of the present I create, again, though, carrying that message back into the prison, look inside without fear or favor and tell me what the intent of the heart is, one of the things I always recommend, there's a real difference between recovery-orientated service and service-orientated recovery, a friend of mine called me multiple years, and he's talking about, man, I want to use, I tell him, what meetings are you getting to, he says, well, I'm HNI chair, I said, what meetings are you going to, well, I'm carrying four panels, what meetings are you going to, well, you know, I'm working with PI, I'm on the phone lines, no time to sell, no time to work a program, again, the six-step issue on the extremes, if all you're doing is panels, all you're doing is HNI, PI, phone lines, and GSR of this meeting, secretary of that meeting, treasurer of this meeting, when do you have time to work your program? And so I get real clear on that, you know, even right now, I will only carry two panels, because I need time for me, I need time to get into the book, I need time to do the writing assignments that my sponsor still gives me, and I will always have writing assignments, because I'm not perfect, you know, that's the bad news, the good news is that we always have room for growth, and it is in growth where the excitement is, that constant change, talking about, yeah, and you hit those spaces, and they peak, and you go, that's like being here today, man, what a beautiful experience this is, I've got a, I've got a, next Sunday night, I'll be at the Adelanto State Correctional Facility, I'm going to talk about this experience, and be able to share with them what I experienced, give them something to look forward to, give them a little hope, and I'm going to talk about all you ladies, talk about how sweet you were, you know, program of attraction, and tell them, you know what, we're waiting on you, we're waiting on you, all we're going to do when you walk in, we're just going to give you a hug, and when you see them people coming out of state prison, you know, talking tough, acting tough, all that doo-doo on the left side of their neck, you know, go up and give them a hug, just give them a hug, tell them, keep coming back, hell's on the way, because what I have gotten into, in touch with, and it's all through my four steps, was issues of fear, issues of fear, coming into your first meeting, how'd you feel? Well, I was scared, so scared, that's the reason I sat in the back of the bus, you know, hoping nobody would call, hoping I didn't have to say anything, because I was afraid if I said something you really wouldn't like me, you really wouldn't. I work on a situation now where, you know, I read my rap sheet, and it's trust, risk, vulnerability issues right there, because I don't know if you'll like me after you find out where I've been, but what the program's taught me on the faith issues, that most of you still will, to expect
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all of you to, I'm firm, I'm disappointed, I don't know if you guys do this or not, you walk into a room and a whole gang of people, and you look at the one that doesn't like you, and leave, and everybody else just loves you to death, I don't know if other people experience that or not, but when we're carrying that message, what I like to share about at the meetings is my feelings. You see, I didn't know men had feelings. Today I have feelings, and I share them, and I share them in a personal environment, because what we can do, we can make it okay for people to get in touch with feelings, and be able to make it okay for them to share that, because in those type of environments, everybody's playing who's the toughest, who's the baddest, who's the most ignorant, who's the most violent, and that whole thing breaks down to that simple issue. If I'm extremely insane, crazy, and violent, all I'm saying is, please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me physically, please don't hurt me emotionally, and I would back people up, and that's the game, that same thing with people in here, with that violence, and that tough talk, and that tough walk, and everything. All I hear them saying is, please don't hurt me. So I go over and give them a hug, and make them feel at home, the acceptance issues, make them feel a part of this thing, let them know that they're welcome, because you know what their tradition talks about, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using, doesn't it? And I share a lot. You know, I don't care if you come out of Yale or jail, Penn State or State Penn, I don't. What I'm concerned about is you being able to identify what's going on in your life, and how can we help you? We're not going to carry anybody, because all we carry is a message, but how can we help people by sharing our strength, our experiences, and our hope? Okay. I'm going to open this thing up now. I want to hear from you people.
I have these level of expectations, questions, sharing experiences, anything that you have to say is of value. You're of value, because right now you're clean, aren't you? So you have something of value to share. Let's open this thing up. Do you have a question or anything else? My name is Jim O.. Hi, Jim. We do a panel in Longview, and there are two or three other people and myself, and you stressed reading the traditions in an HMI format. What I've done, and it seems to work well, is I explain the preamble. I just don't read it. I explain it sentence by sentence, and it pretty well explains the traditions as well. I also sent speakers into another treatment center here in Vancouver, and for people that are new to doing it, you go in by yourself for a half hour, and that's what we call throwing it to the wolves. Some people are pretty much afraid to do that, and what I suggested to them, what was suggested to me when that was the very first time I did it, and it worked well for me, is read chapter seven, what it does. Prayer and meditation beforehand in order to discern it, and then it comes from the heart. It's worked real well for me. When I first started doing it, I was scared to death. I got addicted to the sound of my own voice, and I had to cut myself off. The panel we were doing in Longview was an hour and a half, and there were three of I, like I say, I will have people read how it works through the cocaine addicts, people in the treatment center, not the panel, the treatment center. Get them involved. Then I explain the preamble, tell them a little bit about what cocaine is and what it isn't, and then let the speakers take off, leaving room for answers and questions at the end.
Anyone on the panel is allowed to join in on those questions, because the questions are not necessarily personal things. They are programmed questions, and it's a lot of fun. You talked about the meeting up and the meeting back, and we do that, and it's part of the joy of doing this job, I think, is getting people to the Oregon area sites, whether they're in Oregon or Washington, and meeting new people, and sometimes I feel selfish doing doing it, and I sometimes get angry because more people don't want to get involved as a panel leader.
There's a ton of facilities out there, jails, institutions, etc., that would love to have us come in and facilitate either a meeting or a panel type situation,
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and not enough people to get involved. I feel selfish in doing it myself, and like I said, I do the truth, and that's about me, my life. As far as working my own program, you know, I was told earlier in this program, If you don't want to work on yourself, you're really involved in the service world, and I have found I'm involved in the service world. All right. Thank you. Yeah. We're talking about the different types of meeting, and really that's what we call a four-tradition issue. Each group is autonomous, as long as they don't violate any of the other traditions. In the federal prison that I go into, it's a straight-up participation. We sit in a big circle, and I'm real comfortable there. It's like a regular meeting, and what makes it real comfortable is the guys share, and I'm getting to know them. I'm getting to know them. It was a real blessing in that the program facilitator brought all the guys down to one of our open meetings where I live, and we're going, man, what a blessing, what a blessing. One of the guys was getting out the next day, and in the Adelanto State Prison, we're carrying three panels a week in there right now. Various areas have gotten together.
As a matter of fact, there's another prison called Tehachapi. Although it's technically in one region, they call it a dual region because they've got so many panels going in there. The guys just keep asking, can we get more, can we get more meetings, and they keep building onto that. It started off as one facility. It is now four facilities at the same location, but each one is a prison unto itself. Each time they build a new prison, we have an opportunity for growth, and we start developing, and I'm like you, brother, in terms of I'd like to see more people involved in the HNI program because that is unselfish giving right there. That is the height of it when you take that time away from Super Bowls, not Super Bowls. I don't know too many people went on an HNI panel during the Super Bowl, but especially on meetings on Monday night, when they've got the games and whatnot, to make that level of commitment. Because I have found in this program, the more you give, the more you get. And the more I give, I get in touch. It's unlimited. This is the only thing I know you can give away of something of extreme value, and all you do is deuce it up because you get to hear your own wins. But the meetings I like, the panel is good, especially on a straight HNI panel where only the people on HNI speak and everybody else listens. That's real good. I have found for recovery units, because these are the people usually within their first 30 days of recovery, and they're just now starting to come out of the fog. And I love it in the recovery units, and the people are still shake and bake, and you get that attitude of gratitude because you know what they're feeling, and the blessing and the promise is here is we don't ever have to feel like that again.
Whereas in the state facility, we're just now working on a participation-type meeting. As a matter of fact, when they asked me to take over the panel, they said, you know what, these are the group of people, they're 90 days short to the streets. So one more time, fifth tradition, primary purpose is to carry the message that it's still suffering. And to create an environment that this is how the meetings are conducted on the streets.
And they get used to the meetings being conducted that way. So when they walk into one on the streets, it's normal for them, straight normal for them. See, I had a little bit of a problem when I came home in that, you know, they told me, hey, you know, first call, my wife picked me up at Solid Dead State Prison, got to a gas station. First call I made was, you know, where's the meeting? And they had a meeting there in Monterey that night. And I got there and the topic was gratitude. And boy, did I have some gratitude going for me right there. And then when we get into my home, you know, we stop off at a meeting. And this is where I get, you know, basically get to my apartment because I want to make that contact. But my mistake was, see, I thought I was okay because I got out. I thought I was okay because I got in sight clearance and whatnot. I forgot about living in that all-male prison environment, what effect it can have on you after 24 years.
And so I go in the meeting and I'm sitting in the back of the bus again because I'm not too sure if you guys are going to accept me. I don't know if you're going to accept me. I got a lot of fear come up for me. But when I'm sitting there and I started hearing language I've never heard before in a meeting. Because HNI, we're real clear on our HNI guidelines, the language is consistent with our literature. And I've heard speakers that I would have
[00:35:01]
kicked out of a prison for their language. When we come in there, we can carry the message by using language consistent with our literature. Or we can walk in talking like practicing addicts. Where's the girl? And so in all of our HNI, they'll tell you real quick, you don't use foul language. You don't, even though you're in an all-male environment, in a state prison or all-female environment, state prison, you don't use the language. Because all it's going to do is bring up disease for me. And we're in there to set a good example. Here, this is what you can look forward to. Anyway, I'm hearing all this language and I'm hearing all these people shouldn't on everybody else and shouldn't on, we've had some newcomers there and they finally called on me, you know, because I'm the new kid on the block and I told them, look, let me bottom line this for you here because I've heard all this and I've never heard it before. You know, I'm thinking, man, is this a regular meeting or what did I, you know, what kind of a meeting is this? Because it didn't jive with all the meetings I attended in the prison system. And so I told them, check this out. You know, back into that prison jargon. I said, I just got released two days ago after serving 24 years, two life sentences, five other felony convictions. I said, I've got a sponsor, had a sponsor on the streets my second day. I said, I have given him permission to give me direction and make suggestions to me. Okay. I said, and I met his sponsor. Now his sponsor has got so many X's on his chip. He tilts sideways walking down the road. Says now I've given him permission to make suggestions to me and give me directions. Or if you walk on water, I said, but if you're not my sponsor, my sponsor sponsor, and you don't walk on water, keep my name out of your mouth and your hot breath out of my face. And I went home and sniveled at my wife. Nobody gave me their telephone number. But I feel it is so important having experienced this. I feel it's so important coming up with the men and the women coming out of the facilities and the juveniles coming out of the facilities that when they walk into one of our meetings, fifth edition, we make them as feel as comfortable as we can set that good example. See if I want chaos and insanity, I'll go with the connections house. But when I come in here, I'm looking for that serenity and that level recovery. And this is a program of attraction talks about it in our 11th edition program of attraction. What is attractive about going in and going into a meeting? And when this half of this group over here is throwing rocks at this group, and this rocks picking them up and throwing them back. But I get in touch with their growth back into our first tradition, our unity, going in on a panel on the statements. Based upon my experience on this planet, this is what works for me. H and I panels, people tell him what to do.
The staff there tells him what to do 24 hours a day. And it's usually backed up with weapons. You will do this. You should be doing this. If you don't, we're writing you up. We're taking your privilege. We're taking this. We're taking that. So all that you should doesn't fit an H and I panel. I don't think it fits at a regular meeting either, but especially on an H and I panel. If you come in and you share with people, hey, this is my understanding of step one. This is how it works in my life. It's like to me going into a college. I sit at my instructor's feet. I want to hear what he has to say. And I read the book, and then I put it into practice. And if it doesn't work, that's why we got a 10th step. We always make those make those events real quick here. But if I'm owning my statements, then I'm not telling him, this is how it's done. This is the way you should do it. Because you get into an environment I got shit on all my life, and it didn't work, and nothing worked for me until I got in the program. And they just, hey, this is a program of suggestion.
If you want what we have, willing to make those, take that action, go any lengths, then you're going to get some of the benefits that we have. And even when we're talking about the benefits, I believe there's a balance involved in that too. And I was kidding some people yesterday. I said, you know what, we ought to make an announcement Friday at the Friday night meeting. Everybody that drives a late model European car, park it out here in the center circle. So when the newcomers come up, they think this program works, see?
Real simple. They do that in Phoenix, by the way, and it's hilarious, but everybody's kept to it and whatnot. But if we're, I think there's a difference between sharing our strength experience and hope and signifying. People are down, they're down. And when I talk about signifying, I have something and you don't. But what we can share is the knowledge of
[00:40:02]
the steps, knowledge of the traditions. That's the greatest gift, the greatest gift. And be able to encourage people to share. That's what I like about the Sunday night prison meeting there at the state prison. It's the only meeting that's open participation. Because you go into one of those, I guarantee you, you will have, God will bless you with an opportunity to work your steps where those guys will get up and talk crazy, act crazy.
And if you're in a mental institution, it's great. And they're all on the Thorazine shuffle coming in and they just sit in here. Oh, hello. I mean, half of them have no idea where they are. Gives you an opportunity to work your steps. Step one, except that's where they're at. That's where they're at. That's like the newcomers coming in, huh? Still detoxing, spun out. They talk crazy and act crazy. And I've often said, you know what? I love the newcomers simply because it's the only group of people I've never had a problem with in this program of recovery. And what I've gotten in touch with there, because it's simply because I have no levels of expectations about newcomers. I know from my own experience, getting up there talking crazy, acting crazy and everything else. And there's some issues here on identification.
How many people here just simply identify as an addict when they share? Okay. How many people talk about addict alcoholic? Okay. But what is our program? It says minor mood altering chemicals. This is what I got into. And I had, I, you know, I share it because I love the humor, but my humor is not based on somebody else's pain. It isn't. That's jobs for comedians. And I don't see myself as a comedian. First time I ever identified it as meeting, I jumped up and identified it as a penitentiary junkie. My sponsor did one of these, come here, come here, you know, talking about, uh, you see anything in here in the first step that says we're powerless over being a penitentiary junkie? Nope. No, I stuck around for me. I got some of this thing called recovery. You know, they asked me to share again and see, I'm, I'm starting, I got two brain cells working now because I've been in recovery for a minute. And so I know what not to do. So I jump up and identify as a street hype and I look over, I'm looking for acceptance. See, I, I've grown, right?
Huh? My sponsor going, come here. And so you see anything there in the fifth tradition that we're here to carry the message to a street hype? Oh no. Yeah. Third time I get up, I identify in and I'm saying, man, I got four brain cells working. My sponsor's here. I got to look good, but I want his acceptance so bad. Identify it as an addict, alcoholic. Huh? And he went, come here, come here. Where's the say in the 12th step, we carry a message to the addict and alcoholic. We talk about it here. Mind and mood altering chemicals.
If I'm sitting up here talking about, yeah, well, my drug of choice, and I don't understand this one because I didn't know I had a choice when I was out there using, say, I've often heard it said, and I didn't, my drug of choice is whatever you had, you know, very simple. But if we're dealing here, primarily we, our fellowship is cocaine anonymous and, or all mind and mood altering chemicals. If I'm up here talking about heroin that I just divided, I've separated myself from all of this. If I'm up here talking about smoking that devil's herb one more time, I've divided, I've separated from it. See, I think part of this terminal disease or this fatal disease I have called addiction. I think I have a secondary addiction and secondary disease, and that's called terminal uniqueness. Hmm. See, if I think, and I'm so hip, slick, and cool, so special, I've separated from all of this. I've isolated one more time because I don't know if you use what I used or how I used or anything.
I don't think it's important that to me. I think what is important at a meeting is be able to share what I'm feeling. I know everybody in here knows what isolation is about, what loneliness is about, the hate, the anger. And after we get into recovery, what it is to get a hug. That warm, fuzzy feeling right here. I'm talking about my feelings. I'm a part of this thing. I have not separated. I haven't separated from anybody. But if I'm talking about, my sponsor stung me real bad. I'm at a meeting there in LA and I get up and I get to talking about setting in B chair inside the gas chamber at San Quentin.
[00:45:05]
And he called me on it at break time, talking about, what are you doing? Oh man, I'm just sharing this experience. He says, how many people do you think in that room have set in B-chair inside the gas chamber at San Quentin? Well, no. He says, oh, we're unique again, aren't we? And I just separated, and what was happening in my life at the time, and I get in touch with it. Hadn't been attending meetings, hadn't been working my steps, hadn't been calling him, hadn't been participating, and I felt so isolated again.
All I wanted was some attention. Here, let me share with you this bizarre experience I had, so you'll pay attention to me. You'll hear what I'm saying. That's a deep thing. But if I'm talking about, he said it would have been fine if you had been able to talk about how scared you were, the fear that came up, the isolation, everybody would have been there with you, but you separated. Oh man. So again, it's not the experience, because each of us have experiences, each one of us is a little bit different, but the feelings, man, that's what binds us together.
I come in here, you know, came up here yesterday, I don't know anybody's face. I don't. Don't know your name. Man, I know what's here, because I feel that way. I feel that way. The more I get in touch with that, the more I'm able to trust, to risk, be vulnerable, the more I let you in, the more you let me in. The more I'm part of this thing, the more acceptance that I feel. And that's the thing about the H&I panel, you know, I felt so less than, other than sitting in those prison environments, and the outside people would come in, and you know what, get me coming back, they accepted me.
They told me, man, we don't care where you've been, what you've done, who you've done it with, and you just keep coming back, you get your book, you read the book, and it's about you. It's simply about that. Get up there and talking all crazy and ugly and whatnot, and they just, they just hug me. They just hug me, telling me, man, son, keep coming back. Keep coming back. So when you're going into those H&I panels, strongly suggest you read first step, acceptance.
Acceptance of where the people are at, acceptance of what their level of recovery is, but at the same time, developing that knowingness that they're going to change. They're going to change. You know, like my sponsor tagged me with, you know what, ain't nothing going to change until I change, and I'm never going to change as long as I operate on the opinion of what? Mine. And so we come in there with that clear message of recovery.
What we're doing is we're in essence changing their mind. We're giving them additional information, valuable information, so the next time those questions come up, all of a sudden, man, it's just not all the same. They got some recovery up there. Got some recovery up there. My sponsor taught me early on, stop asking yourself, what do I want to do? Because based on the opinion of one, I'm going to go out and use.
But after I got in touch with step one, the identification problem, I am the problem. I have a disease. I'm no longer nile in. I'm going in and involved with that step two, talking about could restore some sanity. To me, insanity is old behavior. Recovery is risking trying new behavior. But see, I don't know what new behavior is until you people give me the answers. You shared with me how you identified the problem, how you went into new behavior, looking at different options, then how you did the best you could with what you got, and you turned the rest over.
I go, man, what a concept. What a concept. How to get out of the problem. My sponsor told me a long time ago, any zipped-down fool can identify a problem, huh? Let's bring me some solutions. I'm in Bakersfield. I love sharing this. Five addicts, two of them girls, all live in one house, and they invite me over. I'm sponsoring one of them. And it's summertime, and I walk in, I got my tank top on, my shorts, my flip-flops, and I crash out there on the couch, and they go, oh, come on outside, come on outside.
You know, barbecue and all that. And so I got my flip-flops off, so I walk outside, I got a concrete pile. See, I forget they got five dogs. I walk out there, and boy, I step into a pile of it, you know? And I'm going, man. Boy, I look down, this stuff done squished up between my toes, and I'm going. And see, I immediately start beating myself up. I'm stupid. I'm clumsy. I'm an idiot. I mean, just, I mean, beating myself up, you know?
[00:50:01]
And this girl walked over to me, talking about, what's up with you? And standing there, just mumbling and whatnot. And I'm angry. I'm really angry. And when I get angry, my language goes down. And I just spun her, talking about standing dog shit, you know? And boy, I mean, back her up real quick. One of the other girls walked over and said, man, what's going on? What are you setting in now, huh? I'm starting to send her up, work through that level of that anger, see?
And I'm saying, I'm standing in doggy do. Huh? You know? Real good program of recovery here. And I don't know how long I'm there, and the guy's sponsor comes over and says, look, man, I've seen you spending them two girls out with that attitude of yours. You're standing here mumbling to yourself and whatnot. What's going on? I'm talking, I'm standing in doggy do. He's telling me, oh, when are you going to get out of it?
Choice I have today, I can still be in Bakersfield standing doggy do, huh? First step, isn't it? Identifying the problem 20 minutes ago. How long am I going to stay in? That's a choice. And that is a blessing to have that choice. People come to me with a problem. I listen to them. And I ask them, what do you want to do about it? What's going on? I don't care anymore. What's the greatest gift we can share?
Knowledge, respect, and tradition, isn't it? Because each of us have a program. Each of us have something of great value that we can share with someone that can affect the rest of their lives. That can affect us. Not infect. But affect. Have that positive influence. What do you think God wants you to do today? And I get in touch with that man. Am I being caring, loving, and gentle? Because that's what God wants me to do.
Second, third, and eleventh set of issues. Am I being caring, loving, and gentle? Because I want something from him. Don't be moved, huh? Look inside without fear of failure. It's like going in on the HNI panels. Why are we there? See, I get to share my wins. And that reinforces that behavior. Come on, man, I did this, this feels good. You know, I got involved with the steps. Initially, the first three to stop the pain.
Then I got involved in four, five, six, somewhere involved in that. I got the working steps because they made me feel good. Being a good addict, there's something that looks good, smells good, tastes good, makes me feel good. I'm doing it again. Real simple. I said, well, gee, if I can slam three steps and then feel like this. How many with six steps? You know, good addict move. Because I'm an addict.
I want something that makes me feel good. And what this program has given me is a way to feel good most of the time. Life is not out of session. Are there any more questions? Yes, sir. Sir, I wanted to ask a question. I made a comment on this. I agree that I'm coming up here because there's tape in this. I want to be able to pick it up. In running these HNI commitments and stuff like that, do you sponsor physician workshops to learn for the newer people to get in?
Because we've got a new HNI chairman in Oregon, and I know he's going to do a great job with it. But do you believe in sharing that physician workshop and stuff like that? Because our HNI in the area has kind of suffered in the last couple of years because of lack of commitment and these types of stuff. Could I get some input from you on that? And I've got a couple of comments over there. Real quick, we have a step in tradition study meeting on Wednesday night in my home area.
I encourage everyone, I mean everyone, if you can only make one meeting a week, it's the 12 steps and the 12 traditions, because I guarantee you will hear more recovery at the step in tradition meeting than all the other meetings combined. Because the focus is so clear. In HNI, we have a complete structure in HNI. And we are constantly working with people on that. Part of my issue today with the people that I sponsor and other people are starting to pick it up, I don't have people just work a step.
I talk about step one, tradition one. Step two, tradition two. And they get the right on all of it. Because traditions aren't just for service to other people. Traditions are for any relationship. For me, it's the essence of the spiritual side of the program. Talking about unity. I own my statements. 14 year relationship with my wife, I raised my voice one time because of traditions. And that was behind computers.
She has her own sponsor. I have mine. She owns her statements. I own mine. And we had this thing about love, honor, and negotiate.
[00:55:01]
Traditions are very, very powerful. They are what will keep this organization together. So the traditions aren't just set up for HNI. We practice the traditions at all of our meetings. And those of us that have been around for a minute, when we hear the violations and whatnot, we will bring it up and share. I share my understanding of the tradition. I don't tell anybody how to do it. I just share my understanding of it.
Because that's how I learn. That's how I appear. HNI workshops, tradition workshops, extremely powerful. The more knowledge that we have, the better we are able to carry this message. Not just to other people because it's a 12-step. I need to have something to give away. So I need to get it for myself first. That's like the concept of gentleness. I cannot be gentle with anybody until I learn to be gentle with me first.
Real issues there. Other questions? Well, I just have a couple of comments. Back in 1987 and 88, I spent a year of my life once a month going down to the Oregon State Correctional Facility. You, you. Specifically for an area where there were only men in there. So HIPAA. Something that I, as a human being, despise completely. I have absolutely no tolerance, no love, no kindness, no nothing. But what I learned from that was tolerance, love, and kindness.
And I got to tell you, it was probably the one single year in my continuous journey through this where I think I grew more than anything else because I realized so much by being involved with this stuff. So not only, as you pointed out, on both sides of it are we, by sharing our experience, that can help. That we help them. And then on the flip side of it, I've got another comment. We help them, but my, oh my, did they get to us.
I mean, it blew me away. I know a lot of people that have gone down to damage a facility in Oregon. I've never done that, but I've made a tremendous amount of other efforts, and there is nothing more gratifying than this instant gratification society that we live in. When somebody comes up to you, six months that they've been clean, and says, you know, I heard you speak, and I liked what you had, and I'm telling you what, that'll keep me going for a week.
I don't need to hear anything else, but that means because I just made money. That's how I got my career and what I'm doing for a living now. How I earned my income. The gentleman came up to me and said, you earned an income? Well, sold me on this new way of life. I was about three years sober and he was brand new. He said, I've been listening to you, and I said, I think you'd be really good at my business.
And I have progress, and I have business, because you never know, by being visible, what you'll end up getting. But you don't just end up being visible sitting in the back of a room sometimes. I think it's part of getting into the middle of the system. And I think that's what it's all about. There's nothing more gratifying than getting into my business. And the reason for my question is that I think that we suffer from the lack of attendance to the traditions and that type of stuff in this area.
And this is my opinion, based on my years of experience with coverage. And I think that's why our H&I thing, since Mike has taken it over, what we're looking for is keys. And I know you're the H&I Nazi. But that's what it's about. If you could spend a couple of minutes with Mike after the meeting and a couple of others. You can keep them going and I'm going to be good. One of the neat things, and again, we're talking about, I used to measure my strength by the number of rounds that went into an automatic weapon or the gauge on a shotgun.
That's how I measured my strength. Today in recovery, I measure my strength by my ability to be gentle. And the greatest gift is to be able to be gentle and give other people permission to be gentle. Because that takes far more strength than carrying a weapon. It takes far more effort to be gentle than it does to be ugly, nasty, miserable. But the returns on that, the more I'm involved with learning gentleness, the more I feel accepted, the more I feel a part of this thing, that I get attention, I get acceptance, appreciation and affection from that, all the things that I want, and getting involved with how to overcome those fears.
[01:00:00]
getting what I want, fears of losing what I have, and that is based on the spiritual side of our program, and it's called faith. For so many years I had heard, fear is like a faith, and it took me a long time to get in touch with it. I knew what fear was, fear is not knowing, therefore, if fear is like a faith, faith must be knowing, isn't it? And that's what I had the blessing of listening to you people share, because I didn't have faith, but you give me faith, because of what you've gone through, and how you got through it.
Talking about, especially when you ladies are concerned, talking about, man, that little girl can do it, I can do it, I'm tougher than she is. I did that, did that, but what it did is help me develop that faith that's so important. Traditions, a lot of times, I hear people get beat up. Well, I'm going to pull out the sixth tradition club and whack you upside the head with this, or I'm going to pull out the tenth tradition club and whoop you with this one.
That's not what it's about. That's the reason, you know, that benevolence is above that. If I cannot be gentle in sharing with people, understanding of steps and traditions, I need to keep my mouth shut. I need to keep my mouth shut. All we need, we're not in here to run out to newcomers. We're not in here to throw rocks at anybody. I'm in here to learn how to stay clean today. We're in here to learn how to work those steps, how to follow traditions.
And the only way I know if I'm out of pocket on step or traditions, if I share it, and somebody else shares a different perspective on that. And I go, oh, man, what a win. I'm not in an argument. I'm in a win-win situation walking into a meeting. Because I know I'm going to hear something that I'm going to take with me, or I'm going to put it on a shelf until I need it. You know, a lady came in one time and shared about what steps she worked changing buses four times in downtown L.A.
Now, I may not ever need that. But if my car breaks down, as a matter of fact, it did Friday night in L.A., at least I knew what steps to use to get through changing buses in downtown L.A. So I may not be of value at the moment, but I'll guarantee you it will be of value sometime in your life. And so the essence here, you know, sharing the wins. People coming in, identifying problems. Man, that's great.
What do you want to do about it now? What do you want to do about it? And share with people, this is what I've done in the same or similar experience. This is my understanding of this step. This is my understanding of this position. If you have a different understanding, it doesn't make you wrong, bad, or evil, or me wrong, bad, or evil. What it makes is two individuals, you know, heading in the same direction.
We just started at different points. But we're all going to the same point. We're all going to catch a hand and do it together. Instead of standing there throwing rocks back and forth. So each meeting to me is a win-win situation. I know I'm going to hear something I don't like. Guaranteed you're going to hear something you don't like. Then those things here, I don't repeat. Guaranteed you're going to hear something you do like.
Those I do repeat. If it's working for me, this is what I share. I never make suggestions for somebody to do something I've never done. I don't make a suggestion to someone to do something that didn't work for me. So we get to come in and share the blessings of how the steps work. And the wins that we have on a moment-to-moment basis. On a daily basis. And man, I walk out, man, I always feel better at the end of the meeting than I do at the start.
But first of all, I get out of my head. And when we go in on those panels, we're giving those people an opportunity to hear something of great value. We're giving them an opportunity to get out of their heads, get out of their dramas for a little while. The process of addiction, I tell people, I'm addicted to me. I'm addicted to the step. I get obsessive and compulsive about it. But you know what, that's one addiction that isn't killing me.
Because when I came in, the big guys told me, take care of your addictions in the order that they're killing you. First one was drugs. And I'm working on that. Even today, I tap on the guys that I sponsor. You know, which drug of choice? I asked that to a guy yesterday, he told me, girls. I told him, yeah. Don't ask my wife how many speakers I got in my house. She told me if I bring in two more, I get to sleep in the car.
We won't have room in the house for me anyway. Tennis shoes. But the steps work in all aspects of our lives.
[01:05:02]
And it's just not about being in a prison environment or being in a town jail. They work at work. They work off the job. They work at home. They work at meetings. But everything I have learned about life, I learned at these meetings. And I had the blessing of taking that knowledge and that experience out into free society. And I go, man, it works out here too. Steps work in Oregon, Washington, California, Arizona.
I mean, every place I've ever been. And they work. I go, man, what a concept. And it's something that I share with guys in prison. The knowledge I have is that in tradition, the man can't take away from me in a shakedown. I carry him with me wherever I go. And that is a true blessing, man. What else do you have that you can carry with you that's not going to self-destruct? You get older more often.
Steps and traditions are only going to continue to grow. And the happiness is directly proportional to my willingness to apply steps and traditions in my life on a daily basis. Nothing complicated about it. But it boils back down one more time, that willingness to change. Willingness to get out of my own stuff. Willingness to change those levels of expectations that I have of other people. My biggest problem today in meetings is when I go to a speaker meeting.
I haven't met one yet that I agreed with 100%. And I finally got in touch with, you know what, no one's perfect. I need to do that. But I have some simple rules today. If somebody isn't clean in 20 minutes, I get up and walk out. Because I'm not into disease. Anybody think they can stay clean on war stories? Because that's a real clear issue on HNI. We don't bring in war stories. And we don't apologize for never having gone to prison.
Priests don't do that. Requirement for membership is not a prison background. Nor is relapse a requirement for membership. Real simple. Carry the message. How do you work your program? Get your understanding steps in position. Because it's perfect right now. It's absolutely perfect based upon the information that I have. Your understanding is perfect based upon the information that you have. Share with me.
Bring in the unity. Let's help each other. Not throw rocks. Not put down each other. Or rag on the newcomers. Matter of fact, I just think it just came up with me. I don't rag on newcomers. I rag on people with time. Now, I have nine million years and you don't. Oh, well. But see, the thing I've noticed, and this is what I really get into, and it's got a thing to do with my prison thing. Everybody's all, how much time are you doing?
How much time are you doing? And everybody I've ever seen relapse had time. I've never seen a person with recovery have ever relapsed. Not ever. Because they're actively involved in their own recovery. And it's real, real simple. Because I hear mixed messages. Gee, if you have time, oh, I have time. You don't, you're going to relapse. I'm not. That's the message I hear. I don't hear any hope then. I don't hear any hope.
And my home group, you know, I mentioned to do that little reverse countdown just to give people hope. Because there's always going to be new people coming in as long as we're carrying a message. But if each new person comes in, all we do is trash them, beat them up, shit on them. There's no recovery then. Why would anybody want to come back? You know, I beat myself up enough. I did. I don't need anybody here in the program to beat me up.
Nor do I need to be sitting in an H&I panel beating people. You need to come in with that strength. You need to come in with that hope. And the courage to suit up and show up.