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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 821 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: nick-d-how-it-works-group-plymouth-2007-11-07.mp3 Duration: 00:08:02
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And now, Nick's going to share for us. My name is Nick, and I'm an addict. Yeah, well, privileged to be sitting here, you know, on the 10th year anniversary of CA, you know, in a place where I've recovered and I've got this amazing life, you know, and the reason I'm sharing tonight is to share my experience, strength and hope with a new person, a person who is struggling with life, you know, and that's what happened to me.
You know, when I came into this meeting, I was clean, sober, but I was in bits. In total bits, I couldn't do life at all, you know, and I needed help. You know, I'll share a bit about what my using was like, you know, I go back to when I was a kid, I was a highly sensitive person, I was really shy, I used to blush a lot, you know, and I found being around people hard, but I always had a front, bravado, you know, and, you know, the same with drugs, you know, and drink, it helped me fit in a bit more, you know, but when I did drink and use drugs, I seemed to be this Jekyll and Hyde, which she says in the book, you know, I did, definitely did, disgusting, even dangerously antisocial things, you know, from a young age, you know, and my using got worse, you know, and I can remember having a decent job at 18, 19 years old, I had a nice car, lovely clothes, I lived with my mum, on the outside, I looked okay, you know, people looking at me for, he's doing well, but on the inside, I was in pieces, you know, I used to go to work in this decent job with normal people and struggle like mad, I just couldn't do people at all, you know, every time people said things, I was highly sensitive, I used to walk with resentments constantly, thinking, why did he say that?
She say this, he say that, you know, my head would race out of control, you know, all the time and I just couldn't get on with people, so I'd stick my head into my work and that's all I would do, you know, and I'd get home and I'd drink, I'd use drink and drugs to sleep in the night because I couldn't sleep because my head would race so much, you know, and that's my story, you know, and this is a progressive illness and that's what happened, you know, I started getting into heavier drugs, you know, and it wasn't long, my family couldn't deal with me no more, my family done the right thing, they set out, you know, and then I still got this decent job, I am going to car now, I'm starting to get a bit worse and worse away, you know, and I'm living in this homeless shelter now and I'm going to work in this decent job, coming from a homeless shelter with this old scraggy jumper on, with all food down the front and trying to keep it together, you know, but I couldn't, I couldn't keep it together, you know, I'm trying to hold this job down, put on front some bravado, browsing pieces all the time going to work, you know, and in the end the job gave me, you know, I was on the sick for three years and my job said, look, you've got a choice, you know, get off all the medication you're on, get off all the drugs and come back to work or we're going to have to let you go, you know, and I said, yeah, you know, but in the back of my mind I didn't know how I was going to do it, you know what I mean, and unfortunately a month later I ended up in jail instead, you know, and that was my journey, you know, and then I left jail, I said to my family after promises on visits that I would never, ever go back to that again, I promise you when I come out I will settle down, I'll sort my head out, I'll get another job, you watch, I'll sort myself out, and the day I was released I was on the floor, you know, someone found me in the middle of the road, they took me home to my parents after somehow getting the address out of my mouth, and my family carried me back into the home, you know, and this happened again and again and again and again, you know, you know, I went into treatment again, you know, I thought, here we go, I'm in treatment, I'll sort myself out, you know, I could hear the rocky music in the background as I'm on the train going down, you're thinking, that's it, I'm going to sort my act out now, I'm going to get well, you know what I mean, and again, you know, I go upstairs hiding cans under my bed in this treatment centre, you know, and then after they caught me they throw me out and I think, why?
I blame other people, oh, it's good for blaming other people, you know, and again, that happened again and again and again, you know, and when I came to Plymouth I was hammered, hammered by all this stuff, this cycle, you know, just kept going round and round and round and I couldn't see no way off, you know, by then I didn't believe in treatment centres, I didn't believe in meetings either because I went to meetings and just felt so self-centred, I'd sit there for an hour and a half just thinking, oh, did I say my name's Nick and I'm an addict, right, and then I'd analyse it for days, you know, I'd go into a meeting, I'd analyse for days before going to a meeting and analyse for days out of a meeting, you know, and that's what it was like.
I can remember being in a treatment centre and saying to the counsellor, when the counsellor said, look, you need to go to meetings, that's how you're going to get well, and saying, but I hate people, you put me into a room full of people and I hate people, and it was all fear, it was all fear, you know, and as I say, I came to Plymouth and I got to that jumping off place, but I thought, I don't need meetings, I'll do it on my own, you know, and as the days turned into months, my thinking got worse and worse and worse, I couldn't be around people, I can remember being sat in my halfway house in Plymouth and I'd have a TV on, I'd have the radio on, and my head would be racing out of control, analysing what happened that day, he said this, she said that, why did he say that, why did she say this, I mean, these people, I'd never met some of them,
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and I'm sat there for days analysing things they've done, you know,
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and that's what it was like, my head wouldn't stop racing. I tried to sleep in the night, if I was lucky I'd get two hours sleep, and then I'd wake up and my head would start straight away as soon as my eyes opened, do you know what I mean, I still looked ill, I was thinking so much I looked ill, you know, I'd been clean and sober a few months by then and I looked ill, you know, and then I came into this meeting where I heard the solution, you know, which I know as [unclear] today, I was blown away by this, you know, I wanted what you people were talking about, and I was going to get it, I mean, finally I can recover, you know, people weren't talking about just the obsession with drink and drugs being lifted, you know, they were also talking about living a normal life, like the other half live, and I wanted it, do you know what I mean, you know, I wanted to be happy, joyous and free, you know, and I started going from the steps, you know, and, you know, I got to step three and I found a higher power, you know, and of my own conception, you know, I didn't struggle, I was battered, you know, I used to think believing in God was uncool, I was far from cool, far from cool in the end of my youth, you know, I was a bum, I was a loser, I had nothing, and that's what my journey was, you know, at my own conception, you know, I got to step four and I flew into working, I wanted to get to step five, because people said when you get to step five, you'll be buzzing, they will lift all that anger, all that rubbish will hold you down, and you will be buzzing, you know, and I can remember doing my step five with my sponsor, and, you know, I was really ill at the time, I had a flu, and I had colds, and I can remember reading all this stuff out and not thinking nothing of it, but within a day, the cold has gone, and I'm walking down the street and I'm bopping, I mean, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I'm floating down the street thinking this is what these people are talking about, I am buzzing, I want more of this, you know, and six and seven, I handed all this over to my higher power, and then I got to eight, and I thought, oh, more writing again, more writing again, you know, AA, it was it, A-level AA, you know, but I wanted to get to step nine, because again, people were talking about step nine, and I got cracking on with my step eight, and I got to step nine, and I went on to make amends to my family, and what an amazing step, I changed then, I mean, my whole perspective changed on life, you know, I wanted, I thought of others more, I cared about a newcomer, you know, and making amends, what I want to finish on, I made amends to my family, and my parents accepted my amends, and my brother, he didn't really accept, he just laughed, he thought it was quite odd, you know, but a year and a half later, he came to my wedding and said, you know what, brother, I'm proud of you, he said, the next time I see you in the church, I thought I'd be at your funeral, and to see you today, married, and doing what you're doing, I am proud of you, brother, and I didn't think that would ever happen, you know, and this is thanks to CA, thanks to CA, I'm married today, which is another miracle, you know, I'm married, I got a job, which is another miracle, do you know what I mean, and I'm living happy, joyous, and free, I've got a solution every day, and life keeps getting better, you know, and I love CA, and anyone sat here now, who ain't on the steps, or got a sponsor, you know, I can guarantee you, you get a sponsor, you know, you start doing what I have done, I can promise you, you'll have a life beyond your wildest dreams like myself.
Thanks.