Audio
Transcript
Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 819 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: mike-c-how-it-works-group-plymouth-2007-11-07.mp3 Duration: 00:15:14
============================================================
And now, Mike's gonna share for us, I'm Mike and I'm an Addict, hey Mike, before I start, I noticed you wanted to get a drink now, Brad, do you wanna, before you start, poor Brad, you see he's got this problem, you see, he has one glass of water and this phenomenon of craziness sets in, he's just gotta have another, yeah, you okay Brad, I'm Mike and I'm an Addict, hey Mike, what a fantastic meeting, thank you very much for everyone, all the visitors and they've come down, Renny for coming and sharing, Rick for coming and sharing, what a great meeting, I was listening to the shares there and I was thinking, you know, there's a couple of differences going on here, you know, Renny, difference between me and you there is, you know, I love talking here, you know, I got 15 minutes to talk about your favourite subject, me, excellent, yeah, I mean, you know, there are differences but the one thing that makes me an addict, the one thing that I've got in common with the rest of our sheriffs tonight is that one, you know, I made a joke about a cracker with water but that's exactly it with me, I've got this, I take one drug, one drink, whatever it may be and this phenomenon of craving, I've got no control over it, there's no way I know how much I'm going to use, if I have one, it's anyone's guess where I'm going to stop, you know, an example of it being, one night I've been in another treatment centre, I've done 11 of them altogether and yet another one and I've come out and I was doing okay, you know, five days and I go to this self help group thing, you know, I've just got to stay five days, I'll be alright, I'll be alright and it was my sister's birthday and I went up the pub with her and people were saying go on, I can't, I can't, I'm an alcoholic, you know, I was identifying myself as an alcoholic and an addict and I said I can't, I'm an alcoholic and all these guys were saying, nah, you're not, nah, you're not, you're alright, you're like us, yeah, exactly, you know, but I didn't have a drink, I stayed there all night, I was celebrating my sister's birthday with her and then it got to the last orders and I thought, well that's it then, I'm alright, I can just have one drink with her because it's last orders, I won't be able to have any more and from that one drink I lost a year of my life, I ended up living in a shed, you know, I woke up basically with the DTs, I was back on heroin again and that was kind of typical of me, if I use, I've got no idea, you know, this was, I'm just going to have one drink and that was it, I lost a year and I was kind of baffled, you know, there was some understanding that I was gaining, like I said, I've been into a lot of places and there was some understanding I was gaining, you know, it's total abstinence, total abstinence for you, not for me, I still want to do, you know, I want to have a bit of puff or I want to have a drink, you know, or whatever, you know, get rid of this problem, I'm alright with that and the same thing every time, I'd come out, I'd, a bit of puff, I'd have a bit of puff and within the space of an hour I'd be back on the gear again, you know, and that was me all the way through, I had 10 years of this and it started getting to the point of, getting to the point of wanting, wanting all the misery out of my life, the misery was in my head, you know, all the stuff that was going on, I mean, I couldn't have somebody say alright Mike to me, you know, I was dealing, people would come round, they'd walk in the door, alright Mike and I, why, what have you heard, the paranoia was rife, you know, everyone was out to get me, you know, I had this overwhelming feeling that, you know, there was a hidden meaning behind everything that was being said, you were all out to get me, it was a conspiracy and blimey, you know, I've got to use drugs, it's the only relief I've got and that's how it went for years, you know, and along the way, you know, I mean, there were a couple of mentions about churches there and marriage, you know, it reminded me of, this is typical of me, you know, it's my dad's getting married again and I'm thinking right, okay, I'll make the effort, I'll make the effort with my dad, I'll be there, I'll, you know, I'll celebrate his wedding with him, I'll put all the differences to one side, you know, all the rags and everything and I happened to get hold of a big bag of barbiturates and they were mine, you know, I'm not selling these, these are mine and I've been drinking with these barbiturates and I completely forgot about this wedding and the next thing I know, my dad's tapping on the door, it's a Saturday morning, he's tapping on the door, he's, will you get yourself ready, get on, everybody's down there, they're all down the church and there's, you know, so I'm walking into this church, my dad's wedding, it's horrendous, thinking back on it, I'm walking in the church, I'm a wreck, the right mess, I haven't had a chance to change, I'm dirty, I'm stinking, I'm falling all over the place and I'm walking in behind the bride, they're playing, here comes the bride and up she's walking with this big long
[00:05:01]
white trail behind her and I'm staggering behind her with a four pack in my hand, you know, absolutely ruined the wedding, got to the reception and I've ended up headbutting this bloke and he said something, I don't know what he meant by it but I knew he was getting at me so I've headbutted him, he's on the floor bleeding, they won't serve me any more beer, they said you've had enough, I thought, well, if I can't have any, nobody else can, so up went the chairs across the octaves and kind of that's, you know, another little difference, Rick there, I'm relaxed, I'm chilled out, I'm knocking people out in weddings, you know, but that's kind of how it went, you know, there was a period where that was it, I can't go out, it's just outrageous the way I'm behaving, so I wanted to stay home and that was it, it was, I mean, I've just described a life of misery, you know, it was a nightmare awake, it was horrendous when I cleaned up and it was, you know, it was horrendous using and it was even worse when I cleaned up, you know, it was, it was just a total nightmare and there were times when I would go out and just use because I just couldn't stand living in my own head anymore, you know, it was, it was much more comfortable to be unconscious and I came to the fellowship and, you know, listening to you lot tonight, I would have just been sat there thinking, what a bunch of liars, you're either liars or you ain't nothing like me because you're talking about being happy, you're talking about this wonderful life you've got and good relationships with your family and getting married, you know, you just, you're either, you're liars or you ain't like me, you don't understand my problem, I just could not hear, I was looking all the time for the differences, I couldn't hear that similarity, when I start using, a phenomenon of craving develops and I have to use more, you know, I just did not hear, I mean, I'm sure it was said, but I was just incapable at that time of being able to pick up that message until eventually, eventually I was beat and, you know, I still didn't believe it, I still thought, you know, you're all different than me, but it was, it was my last hope, you know, I said I've been sectioned off a few times, I've been in that house seven times, the centres, etc, etc and basket weaving and acupuncture and all the rest of it and nothing was working and when I got here, I thought, well, I'll give it a go, you know, somebody said, I promise you, I can't remember which one of our shares, I promise you, you can have this life too and I heard that message, I promise you and my attitude was, is I'm going to have a go at this and you've made me a promise, you better be able to keep it, this guy presented me with some suggestions, he was asking me to pray, I didn't know what to pray to, I had no concept of any God or whatever and he said two important things to me, one was, I've got enough faith for both of us, I've done that, I've got enough faith for both of us and the other thing that he said was, I really don't care, I've prayed at the back of your eyelids for all I care, you put the actions in and you will get the results, outrageous, I've prayed at the back of my eyelids and do you know what, I'd be seeing all these professionals, this was going off in my head but he presented me this stuff, he said, just do it, you know, start getting grateful, you know, when he touched on it, get grateful for what you've got, stop looking at what you haven't got, get grateful for what you've got, get grateful for the things that you perceive is going wrong in your life, phone people up, phone me up, get to a meeting, he laid out a simple process that I could start there and then and he said, this will change you and I went away thinking, right, I'm going to have a go at this and I'll be back next week mate and God help you, God help you when it don't work, I went away and I did what I could that night, you know, he started me off on my step one, two and three basically and I did what I could that night and everywhere I've been, even when I've been going into different places or seeking different help, I've been going in with this full conviction of never, never ever do I want to use again, never do I want to put my family through that again, my daughter has just gone through murders for me, I do not want to do this anymore and at the back of my mind there'd be this niggly little thing of, I know I'm going to use, I know I'm going to use, my history's shown me that, I cannot control my thinking, as soon as the thought comes in around drugs, I'm as good as stoned but I did these things, I did these simple things and there was this overwhelming feeling of, I'm alright, I'm alright, I've just got to keep doing this, I've just got to do whatever this man said to me, whatever he says, I'll do it and I honestly hand on heart put myself to that, I am going to do it and there were some bits that I didn't want to do and I so, you know, dragged my feet with it through the programme but he encouraged me every step of the way, he said, just do this Mike, don't think about it, just do it and a whole new world opened up for me, one of the things
[00:10:01]
he said to me was, keep it simple, keep this as simple as you can, we're complicated people and we like to complicate things, keep this simple, you know, if you've got a problem in your life, turn to your programme, turn to the suggestions I give you, this will resolve all of your problems and I'll read this bit because I don't often use this book, I bought this book and it's been used very rarely but this is one of the things that I've highlighted, that's not to say that I don't read it, I just thought while I said that, I've got one of these, if any of my sponsors in the area hear me say, you know, you don't need to read that book, I don't read it, then run away from me, you know, I'm a dangerous person when that happens, but yeah, this is one of the things that, you know, I mean, it's from one of the stories there and it said, a willingness to do whatever I was told to do simplified the programme for me, you know, and that was it for me, you know, I was complicating things in my effort, he said keep it simple and that was it for me, a willingness to do whatever I was told simplified the programme for me, I heard somebody say the other day, when my sponsor says jump, I say aye aye, and the immediate thought in my head was when my sponsor says jump, I say was that aye enough, that's the next thing out of my mouth, you know, because my head will argue with him, he's wrong, he's completely wrong, study the AA book, don't just read it, that's what I was told to do, don't just read this book Mike, have a look at it, you know, there's a lot in there, more will be revealed, you know, and I see that in this book, they told me to go to meetings, they said get active, so I went whenever I could and I still do, this was all stuff this guy was telling me to do, get the meetings and get yourself a home group, you know, and that's what I did, I just did the simple things that he instructed me to do, and from day one, from day one, I did half of those suggestions, I could only do half of them, because it was the evening, the obsession had left me and it's never been back again, it was just a simple process of keep doing these things on a daily basis, I hated meetings, I hated everyone in them, for 3 months this was, you know, and I was on the phone to my sponsor and I was, and I know who's going to share next and he's going to share that and then she'll come in and I hate her, I hate all of you, and he just stopped me in my tracks and he said why are you still coming Mike, and it stumped me, because my thinking don't go that far, my thinking goes as far as the resentments, you know, I hate them, and he says why are you still going, and I had to stop and think about it, the only answer I could come up with was, because it's working, it's working, I haven't thought of drugs, I am getting happier despite my ramblings here, I am getting happier, he said that's all that matters, just keep coming, you will love these meetings, and I thought well that's one thing that ain't going to happen, I ain't going to love these meetings, everything that he said has come true, and I absolutely, absolutely love these meetings, you know, it's given me a life, it's given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, I thought I was different than all you lot, I thought, you know, you haven't got the thoughts going on that I've got, you haven't got the crazy thinking that I've got, you haven't got the problem that I've got, I can't stop, no matter what, I cannot stop, when I opened my ears and just said what do I do, and this guy said do this, and I did it, that obsession left, I found out that I was like you lot, and let's say a new world opened up for me, you know, pray to the back of your eyelids, you know, Rene talked a lot there about God, I had absolutely no belief in anything whatsoever, pray to the back of my eyelids, as time's gone on, one of the other promises I was given is you will develop a concept of your own higher power, and it will grow, so long as you practice at this, you know, and one of the certainties, it says in this book, one of the certainties is that God has entered into my life in a way that's indescribably wonderful, I know for certain that I've got God in my life, doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, I've got continued sponsorship because I've got the type of head that can come up with an idea and I can manipulate it so God's actually saying yeah, that's a good idea mate, so I've got a sponsor that I check things out with, thanks for that, I've got 10 minutes left, I've got a sponsor that I can just run those things by, you know, 90% of the time they'll say to me yeah, that sounds a good idea, you know, 5% of the time they'll just open up a bit of a bigger picture for me and say okay, make your choices and there's the odd times when they say no, you're barking a bit alone, you know, but today I have got an absolutely wonderful life, it's great to be here tonight, I've just sort of given a little bit of correction if I might, it's our 10 year anniversary of the How It Works Group, not of CA. I think our archivists, we've got two archivists in here tonight. 25 years of
[00:15:02]
it, CA? 25 years of CA, but 10 years of How It Works Group. It's great to see you all here, and thank you very much for making it a great meeting.