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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 847 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: kendra-k-spirituality-and-recovery-in-cocaine-anonymous-ca-1994-archive-847.mp3 Duration: 01:05:02
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You have no crane to get me up here. I knew that first step was going to be a doozy. My name's Kendra and I'm an addict and an alcoholic. Hi, Kendra. Hi. I owe Margaret an amend. I spoke at the Tucson convention last year. I was pregnant and I burped into the mic. It's a toss-up as to whether that will happen this morning, but I just thought I'd make that amend. I want to thank Linda and the committee for liking my audition tape.
I just think it's funny. I've been an actress most of my life and I never got a job on my audition tape until I came to the Twelve Step Programs. And I want to thank her husband, Andy, for their hospitality. They loaned us their car yesterday and we went and looked around this beautiful town. We're from L.A. Richard's Bad says shaky town. And as you know, we've had a pretty bad year in L.A. It was just a, you know, just a great to have a break.
I mean, in about the past year, we've had riots. We've had floods. We've had fires. We've had earthquakes. We're waiting for locusts. I mean, I don't know what the Old Testament guys would say about this thing, but it's been interesting. And somebody just gave me a flyer on the recovery in the Rockies at Park City, Utah, and I opened it. I love the literature. I was an English literature major in college. It's really my love.
And so I've read literature all my life and I just I just soak it up. And I brought my big book because really, I have nothing to tell you that I haven't read here or heard from people who've read it here. And so I always bring my big book and read from that and speak about that, because that's really all I really have to offer you is my experience taking what's in this book and living comfortably.
And in this pamphlet, it talks about something that Dr. Bob had on his desk, defining humility. Take off my watch. This is the clock. So you guys can see if I'm running late. I'll turn it towards you. You can let me know. I don't want to run late. I know we're running late. I can certainly speak for 50 minutes or less, depending on how long my bladder holds. If I run out of things to say, so we'll see what happens. Dr. Bob had this on his desk and, you know, coming from shaky town and being having gone through what we've gone through recently.
I just got peaceful just reading this and I want to read it to you. This was a plaque defining humility, perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is to never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore. To wonder at nothing that is done to me and to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my father in secret and be at peace.
As in a deep sea of calmness when all around and all about is seeming trouble. And that's what, you know, that was given to me five minutes ago, you know. And I've always wanted to be, I've spoken, CA has asked me to speak often and I'm very grateful and I've always wanted to be the spirituality speaker. Maybe it's because that was the scariest thing I heard when I got here, you know, that this was a spiritual program.
My husband says, well, no, I think my sister says, she got sober right around the time I did. She says that, and I'm sure she heard it from somebody else. There's really, you know, the only person with original ideas here around here was probably Bill and Bob. But she says that religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell and spirituality is for people who've already been there. And God knows I've been there.
And I thought we were talking about religion when I got here. And it took me a while to realize that we were talking about spirituality. My husband, I've got very bad memory. Is there are there any heroin addicts here? You have nothing on me. I snorted gasoline. I snorted leaded gasoline from time I was about seven years old. Gave myself a good dose of lead poisoning. Have no memory.
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I didn't remember the speaker from Friday and I know his name.
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So my husband wrote it on my hand. Thank you, Rashid. You know, and thank you, Mickey. I've had the pleasure of knowing Mickey since I got sober. We live in the same shaky town. And, you know, I guess my mistake before I got here was looking for the answers with people with degrees and published books. And, you know, gurus and has self-help. And, you know, I just never looked in the penal system. And that was probably my mistake.
Because I've heard more that saved my life from the podiums of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous. I'm a member of all those programs. Nicotine Anonymous, ACA, Al-Anon. If there was a Vibrators Anonymous, I'd be a member. I went to Las Vegas. The only reason I'm not in Gamblers Anonymous is I've only been to Vegas once. Las Vegas. The only reason I'm not in Gamblers Anonymous is I've only been to Vegas once.
I went there once. I'd never been there. My husband taught me to shoot craps at about 8 o'clock at night. 2 o'clock in the morning, I woke up. Craps, craps, craps. Dressed in the dark. Crawled around on the floor. Got money out of the pockets of his pants. Went down. Shot craps till dawn. Snuck back in the room. Got undressed. Went back to bed. That was the last time I went to Vegas. I really don't have enough days of the week to go to another program.
I went to sleep at about, you know, dawn. He came in at 10. Threw $500 on the bed. Said, this is what I won before breakfast. Later that night, we got honest with each other. I told him about rummaging through his pockets and gambling all night while he was sleeping. He told me about going down and taking, losing every penny we'd won the night before. Taking $500 out of our ATM that morning and throwing it on our bed.
We decided Vegas might not be for us. You know, I don't talk much about my story because, frankly, it's not as colorful as yours. My husband has a great story. He'll be 11 years if he doesn't drink till Tuesday. His story is colorful. It's international. It's star-studded. You know, my sister was an Olympian athlete. She lives in Phoenix. She's got a fabulous story. Tells it very clearly. It's once again international and star-studded.
You know, my story is sort of locked in my drug dealer's house, you know, dreading the moment when the birds would start singing, reminding me I screwed up once again, kind of using, you know. And it bores me. And we all know about that, you know. I'll tell you how I got here, though. I came in and out of CA in October of 86 to get off a bad cocaine run. I was just trying to heal up a little, the swelling to go down in my face, my eyes to open again, just so I could, you know, maybe get a stuff in my nose a little bit more.
Made it through till January of 87. Went out again. And on my 20th birthday in July of 87, I came to. I had my last drunk and drug and the day before my birthday. And I woke up on the floor of my apartment on my 20-something birthday. I used to tell I don't anymore. I have more recovery. And I spend my birthday and my re-birthday every year here in the 12-step programs. And, you know, I didn't come here on my 20-something birthday because, first of all, you guys really sing terribly.
And you really sing bad. You really sing bad. I've never heard happy birthday quite like I've heard it in the rooms. Or that you guys were such a bitch in place to spend my birthday with. You know, it just didn't seem like a party till you dropped. What happened is at 20-something. I'm never telling again. And my husband has sworn to secrecy. My life was at the place that he explains on page 25. And, you know, I've got no memory.
I sniffed a lot of gasoline. So I read from the book. I wish I could quote it. I can't. I have all these colored clips and highlighters. I don't know how I lived without highlighters. I think when you get a newcomer you should tell him 90 meetings in 90 days and this is a highlighter and here's the book. I think that's probably the kindest thing you can do. And don't call me till you've read it. I have a girl I sponsor who I sponsored.
Now she's controlling her using. She's busy. She's too busy to call. She's controlling her using. When she was sober a while, she was sober about a year, she told me that it was so amazing to her that every time she called me I had the answer. And, you know, she was such a fruitcake.
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I only get fruitcakes. My God has a sense of humor. Every lunatic gets my number and calls me and asks me to be their sponsor and I don't turn anyone down. When this girl called me, I had nothing to say to her. She was so insane. And so I just read to her from the big book to her. Almost did it again. So, you know, it's interesting. You hear what you hear. And it's never failed me so far. What happened is when I was at this age and it was my birthday and I came into the 12-step program.
I was at that place that talks about on 25 and I'm going to read it to you and see if you relate at all. It says, if you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle of the road solution. You know, the big book is so specific. It doesn't mess around. You know, the language is very, very specific and that's what I love about it. And the more I read it, the more affected I am about specificity of the language because it tells me very clearly what my problem is and what the solution is.
And that is the answer I was searching for all my life. And it's right here. It's in 164 pages. If you gave it to someone dying of AIDS and said, if you read these 164 pages and do what it says in it, you will be able to live with your disease. Do you think they wouldn't? And we say, oh, I'm busy. I got to go to work. I have a date. My hair needs coloring. You know, I'm terribly busy. I can't do it.
I'm a busy woman. I mean, it's amazing to me how often I resist just practicing the principles and reading. First of all, reading, contemplating, meditating what's in this book that saves my life. It says, we were in a position where life was becoming impossible. Not sort of uncomfortable. Not kind of, you know, on the edge a little bit once in a while. And if we had passed into the region from which there is no help through human aid.
Now, I don't know about you, but there was a lot of human aid trying to help me. My boss, for one, as I said, I was doing so much blow that my eyes were swelling shut. I don't know what was happening. I don't know if you had this problem. So I definitely could not make it into work Monday. And Tuesday, my left eye would be partially open. I couldn't see. For months, but only on Mondays and Tuesdays.
It cleared up. Must have been allergic to something in my house. That's what I told him. And so through human aid, he told me that maybe either I should go to his doctor or find a doctor who could help me with this or maybe find a job that didn't require me seeing work because that was something that I was incapable of on those two days. So, you know, through human aid, he was trying to help me. Told me that they could no longer hang out with me and they were scumbags.
So they were trying through human aid to help me because they said that I was just too out there for them. So obviously I had passed into the region from which there was no help through human aid. So here I am. I identify with all this. And then the big book goes on to say we have but two alternatives. Two alternatives. No matter where you're from or what your rap sheet says, if you're blue eyed and you live in Beverly Hills, that doesn't mean you might have three or more alternatives.
You know? If your job pays you 100K a year, that doesn't mean you at least have three, maybe four if you have a good attorney alternative. You know? It says in this big book we have but two alternatives no matter who you are or where you come from. And, you know, I like that because it really clarifies things for me. I'm not trying to find a loophole here. I'm trying to look for them. My husband read his first four step.
He wrote it. And he read it to a person who didn't speak English because nowhere in the big book nowhere in the big book did it say you had to speak to someone who actually spoke the same native tongue as yourself. And there's a loophole. He was happy he found it. It took him a few years. You know? So there are loopholes here. He's trying to defend himself. So I figured I'd share that one. So we have but two alternatives.
It says that's what we've got. specifically. One was to go into the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could. That's our one alternative. Now, I don't know about
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you, but I was hell-bent on that alternative. I was working it. I was taking a little more with a little of this, with a little of that, at this time of night, in this company, in this place, with this outfit on. I was slamming it in every orifice of my body. And I found out about morphine, what do you call those suppositories? I feel like I missed something. I mean, I was working it. I was working on that alternative. I was trying to blot out the consciousness of my intolerable situation. And what made my situation so intolerable, you know? I mean, I wasn't in jail. I wasn't here. You know, I had things. I had a house.
I had a job. It was sort of, I was cashing my paycheck. I look pretty good. I stood up and passed out. I was 117 pounds, but I wish I was 117 pounds at this moment. But I, you know, what was so intolerable? It was looking pretty good. Well, you know, most of the women can probably relate here. A little well-applied makeup takes about two hours to get that natural look. You know, I was looking pretty good. What was so intolerable? You know, what I have to bitch about? It was what was here. It was what was intolerable about my situation and still is, is what happens between these two ears under this blonde mop. And it feels a lot different in here. The only, you know, the place where I dwell alone, where none of you join me, as much as I love the fellowship and as much as I get from you guys, I live in here alone with my God. That's the difference today. At that time, I lived here alone, and it was intolerable. And the voice Mickey talked about so eloquently last night, the voice was with me, and it was intolerable.
And I could not bear it anymore. Okay. So it says the other alternative is to accept spiritual help. So it's real clear in the big book. They don't pussyfoot around with it. I don't know about you, but in L.A., we sort of have this homogenized version we hand to newcomers that they can just sit in the seats, you know, and they don't have to, you know, believe in anything. They just have to have the desire, you know, and 90 meetings in 90 days might be good, you know. I don't know about you, but my sponsor said I had to hit my knees every day and do what Dr. Bob and Bill did, which was pray and meditate on this book and read it.
She didn't tell me within the first year I had to crack the book, you know. She didn't tell me it might be a good idea, you know, to maybe, you know, turn my life over. She had a very organized, methodical manner in which I worked these steps, and she didn't mess around with me. What she had me do because I'd been in and out is she's a very sneaky bitch, actually. I still got her seven years later. I'm still trying her out. I thought I'd give her a chance, but she's very sneaky. She looks like, you know, the girl next door. She's a nerd. She's nice. She smiles. She's perky. I hate perky. She's perky, but she's a sneaky witch.
And what she did is she had me write down, because I had all of these reservations about the 12-step program. You see, I'd been in and out, and you just hadn't done it for me. So she had me write down everything I thought was stupid for only, you know, for only ignorant people, for, you know, that I was unwilling to do, that I didn't think applied to me. You know, she felt like I had very valid points, and maybe we should write them down, and so I did.
I wrote down that, you know, 90 minutes is 90 days. I was terribly busy. I couldn't possibly commit to all that. I had a job. I had commitments. I was very busy, you know, making coffee, you know, coming early and making coffee. You know, I was a very busy woman. I had a job. I couldn't possibly come early, and, you know, if I could slip in and out of a meeting, that was about all I could do. Hit my knees. Now, I don't know about you, but I hadn't hit my knees very often. I mean, it asks us in this book very clearly that we have to give ourselves with complete abandon. Now, I don't know about you, but there's not a lot I've done with complete abandon vertically.
You know, this program asks complete abandon. You know, that's a big order, and obviously when I was making this list, complete abandon was not on my mind, and so I made this list, and I read it to her, and she nodded and, you know, seemed to really understand the deep and profound reservations I had based on my intellectual background towards this corny, stupid program.
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And then she said, well, you know, but what you're telling me is you've hit your bottom, and you're powerless over alcohol, and you're willing to go to any lengths, and I said, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in trouble. I've got to get sober. Just got to get sober. Can't do this anymore. Oh, so you're willing. Oh, yeah, I'm willing, willing, willing, willing, willing. So you'll do every single thing on this list then? Oh, you sneaky witch. So consequently, you know, I had to do 90 meetings in 90 days, and she also explained to me that I was sicker than others, so I had to take a commitment at a Monday night meeting to keep me sober through the weekend and a Thursday night meeting to keep me sober through the week.
So I was the coffee lady, the cookie lady, the ashtray-cleaner-upper lady, the blow-you-at-the-door lady. I mean, I was just, you know, the lady who was there, you know, shaking your hand, acting like I was interested. You know, it was really, I wasn't interested. But the thing is, I was desperate, because this was intolerable. And what happened is, at that first meeting, I heard the promises read. And they're read here. I know they're read at the end. And if I could have just, for some reason, the cynical broad from New Jersey, I just look like a California babe.
I'm from New Jersey. My mother and father were both in the army. I'm of German descent. You get it? Cynical, hard-edged, not the soft puff you see before you now. Changed by the 12 steps. You know, I didn't believe, I mean, I believed there was a God. I just knew he lost my file. He was pissed off, you know? And it just wasn't my moment. And I expected everything bad that happened, you know, and knew that nothing good was going to happen, and consequently, nothing that I could identify ever did. And that was my life.
And so, when I came here, and I heard the 12 promises read, at the first meeting that I committed to, I almost did it again, Margaret, something opened in me. It was another spiritual awakening for me. Because I heard them, and I thought, oh, my God. You know, if that feeling of uselessness and self-pity would just leave me, that's all I need. If I could just have that one, I thought, I'll stay here. I'll do whatever you say I have to do.
I mean, my heart and mind and cynicism fell away just long enough to hear those promises and believe what it says, that they will happen. They will happen for us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they will always materialize if we work for them. That was my motivation, man. That was the gasoline that drove the engine. Because I was willing to work for them. I was like, okay, now what do I do? Because suddenly my heart and mind opened, and I said, oh, my God. And that four-letter word that I had never known in my life from the time I had my first conscious thought entered my heart, and that was hope.
Hope that somewhere down the line, this would be tolerable, and I would enjoy life. And all those twelve promises are in the promises, and I know they were read last night, and I certainly don't have to read them now. It goes on in the book to say, on page 83, that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. You know, I thought one day I would be, you know, well enough and hear enough and pray enough and do enough service and work enough steps where I would become this, you know, this spiritual marshmallow, and earthquakes couldn't rattle me, and being a, you know, 700 pounds, eight months pregnant would have no effect on me, and that a little stress at work, you know, would not rattle me, and that I might feel like what Dr. Bob talks about, where nothing would fluster me. And you know, that just hasn't happened. Maybe you can check with me in another decade or so, when I'm a spiritual guru in AANCA, and see if that's happened.
But thus far, my spiritual path has been what it says in the big book about it being the educational variety. When someone talked to Carl Jung, and it's on page 27 of the big book, he was explaining what vital spiritual experiences were.
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And he said that they appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes, which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men, are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. Consumptions and motives, like service. That was not a conception I knew a lot about when I got here. You know, how can I help was not the watchword of my life. Some people who came to the workshop yesterday, we talked a lot about service to each other.
I heard from the podium one day from a lady who was, you know, like, I mean, she was totally different than me. Let's just leave it at that. She gave me one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. She told me that the only thing I should ever be asking myself, I thought she was speaking to me, there were about as many as this many people in the room. The only thing I should ever be asking is how can I help? It's a funny thing about asking yourself, how can I help? Because it's very hard to stay concentrated on where's mine? When are you going to give me mine? Don't you know who I think I am? When you're concentrating on how can I help?
It takes the focus. It's what they talk about right here in a real simple example for me. It's a total displacement of my attitude towards life. And, you know, it's not the spiritual variety that Bill talks about when the lights came down and it was like a scene from Ghost, you know, that movie. I believe he had it. And I believe some people have had it. My moment of clarity that brought me back into the rooms on my 29th birthday was that I was laying in a fetal position on the floor of my apartment. I'd run out of drugs.
And I was miserable on the voices. And dawn was coming and the birds were singing, those fucking birds that sing. Sorry, Rashid, I'm really going to try not to swear. I am from New Jersey, however. I really try. And I said, God help me. Not to God. I was just saying what we say. God help me. It sounds dramatic. That's what we say. And I heard as surely as I stand here, this little voice said to me, just get sober, Kendra, and I'll take care of you. And I passed out.
And the next day I woke up and there was only one thought in my mind. Call someone from the 12-step program and have them come take you to a meeting. You have to get sober. So, you know, I had a little spiritual dilly bob. No lights. No special effects. I live in Hollywood. No special effects. I feel cheated. However, that little bit, and then I go to a meeting and then like this, you know, this veil of cynicism and sarcasm falls away for one second and the feeling of hope enters my life when I hear the 12 promises.
I mean, another little spiritual doo-dah, you know. And then I hear that there's spiritual variety like this. In fact, in the back of the book where it talks about spiritual experience in the appendix, it says, it wants to clarify, you know, that this doesn't have to be lights and shooting stars, you know, like Bill talks about. And the big book, I guess in the original printings, I'm really not real good about the exegesis of the big book.
But I guess that people were starting to feel like if they didn't have the shooting stars and the lights coming down that they hadn't had a spiritual experience. And so the appendix was written and it said, the term spiritual experience and spiritual awakening are used many times in this book, which upon careful reading shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself in us in many, many forms.
And then it goes on and says, it's true that our first printing gave many readers the impression that these personality changes or religious experiences must be in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals. Like Bill describes. Happily for everyone, this conclusion is erroneous. It's just not true. And then it says most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James calls the educational variety.
In quotes. OK, what does that mean? I'm no brain surgeon. I'm a bozo on the bus. You've got to be real straight with me. You got to be real clear with me. You got to use real clear language. No cycle babble bull noogies to some real clear language, please. And it goes on to say, because they develop so slowly over a period of time. Pressure's off. Don't have to wear the white robe and the yellow sash quite yet.
Maybe later when I'm a spiritual guru in the 12-step program. But right now, it's developed slowly over a period of time.
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Okay, this is all terrific. Now I want to get at how, you know. Because what it says is that it's a profound alteration in my reaction to life. That such a change could hardly have been brought about by myself alone. You know, now it's become pretty clear because there's no sugar-coated story here in the Big Book. It lays it right out if we want to find it when we want to find it. It's funny, the longer I'm sober, the more the Big Book has improved.
I'm sort of stupid, they must be sneaking into my house at night adding chapters. If I do this thing with complete abandon again, a new concept, while vertical, it says that I can have this profound alteration in my attitude. You know, that no matter what's going on outside or how much my house is shaking or what's burning or who's rioting, that I can have this profound alteration. Am I running late yet?
Okay, thank you. It says on page 128 that we have indulged in spiritual intoxication sometimes. That it's sort of that we get, you know, we get so filled with this thing that we think we sort of hover over here. I don't know about you, but I felt like at one point I was just going to levitate and that the hills and valleys of life were not going to suck me in. I was going to glide over them in this state of spiritual intoxication.
And it says that we may not see at once that we have barely scratched a limitless load which will pay dividends only if we mine it for the rest of our life and insist on giving away the entire product. Oh, oh, service. Oh, oh, prayer, meditation, contemplation, study, working it, doing it, little homework assignments, little writing, little reading, little putting into practice, maybe a little bit of, oh, my God, four-step inventory, ten steps, daily inventory.
Oh, my God, have to work it? Wow. And then I have to give it all away, service. Didn't know that. Didn't hear that. See, I didn't hear about the ten step. Here I was. I was just, you know, thought I was doing good. The big book tells me that each person, each individual in the personal stories, this is right in there as a solution, the last paragraph, describes in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established his relationship with God.
I don't have a funny drunk log to tell you anyway. That's why I cut right to this. Because it tells me to, and I'm much better at this part than I was at drinking and using. If I was so good at that, I'd be speaking at, you know, drug, you know, legalized marijuana conventions. If I was so good at that, you know, if I had such a great message to carry. What happened is a few years ago, somebody told me that every day I should be reading the tenth step from right after the promises, page 84 through the end of the chapter.
And, you know, I heard it and I was willing and I was ready for a little bit more work. And, you know, there's people here who don't have to do it the way I have to do it. You know, there are people who have different. I'm not so I'm not so stupid. Okay. I'm not so stupid to think that, you know, my way is the only way or the best way. Everybody has their own path. This is just what's worked for me.
And it's my experience is that I do this thing like a study thing. I read, I meditate, I contemplate. I'm prone to that kind of an approach anyway. German, remember, army, English literature, college background. That's what I do. You know, I like reading and meditating and contemplating burping too. And so that's how I do this thing. And it served me well because remember, I have no brain cells left because I sniff gasoline the whole time.
Let it. So I forget what's in here. So every time I opened, it's like a new book, like a new day. It's hard to have resentments when you forget who they're against and just what they're about. I forget my I'd say to my husband, what were we fighting basis? I'm not telling you if you forget. I forget. You know, I have to write and read all the time to remember. And it says this thought brings us to step 10.
[00:35:02]
This is right after the promises when they say, are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They always materialize if we work for them. Period. This thought brings us to step 10. Duh. Right. All right. I don't just sit here and get struck, you know, with the promises. Oh, I have to do something. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that.
It says that step 10 could suggest that we take personal inventory. And we continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. So obviously, I'm going to be making mistakes all the time. Hurts my feelings, but it's true. It says we vigorously commence this way of living as we clean up the past. Once again, one of those really active words, vigorous. I haven't done many things vigorously. A little aerobics once in a while, not this month.
But, you know, vigorous. Makes me sweat just to think about it. It says, then it says, we have entered the world of the spirit. Now, I've spent a lot of time thinking about that recently, because as you know, I live in Los Angeles. I've told you that about 14 times, this pitch. Don't want you to miss it. I want you to feel really badly for me. But it says right here that we have entered the world of the spirit.
Now, when I drive down Rodeo Drive, I work right in the center of Beverly Hills. I work in television. Now, that ain't the world of the spirit. People Magazine is not the world of the spirit. Seinfeld is not the world of the spirit. Every commercial about beauty products is not the world of the spirit. I'm being bombarded on a daily basis by a world that is not the world of the spirit. You see, Oprah is not about the world of the spirit.
I got to tell you. And so me, because I'm a weenie and a wimp on the bus of sobriety, and terrified to use again, has to pretty vigorously work to stay in the world of the spirit. Because most of the input I'm getting is not from that world. It's not about that world. It doesn't indoctrinate me in the world. And guess what? Most of the people I run into don't live there either. They're not in the world of the spirit.
You know, they're in the world of Calvin Klein genes. That's what world they're in. And so this thing takes a lot of personal time with me. It takes a lot of quiet time with me. It takes a lot of work on centering and finding that place that it talks about when Dr. Bob had this plaque. For me to keep this blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my father in secret and be at peace.
Because that's what the gift of this program has been. Is that I found a moment's peace here. When I first got here, the moment's peace I had was when I was sitting in a meeting with you guys. And you were talking to me. And I felt safe. And I felt like there was hope for the future. That if I was feeling crummy or, you know, not feeling great at the time, that it was going to change someday. You know, I had a few moments peace.
And then it was sort of stretched out into hours or afternoons or mornings or a whole night's sleep of peace. And then it started where it would be a week with a few little minor, you know, little setbacks along the way. You know, but when I got, it was like a drug, you know, an addict to a drug to have this peace and serenity that I found through working these steps. But it's a world of the spirit.
And I just need to remember that it's not coming naturally. It's not what I'm hearing every day. It's not the input I'm getting from every medium. Okay. And then it says this is not an our next function in this world of the spirit is to grow an understanding and effectiveness. I've already told you how I do that. I meditate and I contemplate. I read this literature. I read a comes of age. Dr. Bob and the good old timers as Bill sees it.
A new pair of glasses. I avail myself of all of it. I have to admit I've never read the NA big book. I've heard there's fabulous stuff in there. In fact, I think I heard it from Mickey. You just haven't gotten there yet to put up. I knew I was going to read them alone because they're so old-fashioned and they're so slow. I mean I could think they could use a good editor. So what I did because I really wanted to read them.
I really want to hear a clear message of 12-step recovery is I formed a group at my house and we read them on a group level together. We read them out loud.
[00:40:00]
We started with Chuck C. And then we went into Dr. Bob and the good old timers and a comes of age. And we can pass it on. We had a great time and we read them on a group level to together. And you know, we found out that these guys weren't slipping and sliding around this thing. They weren't saying, you know, maybe if you sit in the chair, you'll get it through osmosis. It'll come right up through your ass as you're sitting in the chairs and you know, just 90 meetings in 90 days.
Hey, no problem. Work your program. You don't have to do anything here. You know, that's not the message in those books. That's not the message of the founders of the 12-step programs. You know, that's not what I understand and it's not what I need. I need a more vigorous program just to stay here right now may change. I may become the spiritual guru in the 12-step programs and I need to work so hard.
I'll reach up reach this plateau where I'll just be sailing right along and it'll end my am I knee-jerk reaction to life will be well, I don't know like Buddha. Maybe like Buddha. Yeah, like Ben Kingsley is what was his name? Gandhi. That'll be it. I'll be gone. Detti. Gandhi me. Yeah, and I'll have this fabulous knee-jerk peaceful lovable loving kind, you know reaction to life. That'll be my reaction won't be that cynical crazy terrified, you know, pessimistic girl who walked in here.
Maybe someday that'll happen. But right now check with me in a few years. It might change that. I require more vigorous approach. It says this is not an overnight matter to continue for a lifetime. I guess they're trying to tell me I'm never going to levitate. It says continue to watch and then it tells me what for things to do. How much time do I have? Morgan. Forty more minutes. Ninety minute tape.
Richard warm up. Oh my goodness. Forty one. Twenty more minutes. Thank you. Yeah, you're off the hook baby. Tells me the four things to look for, you know, once again, I like marching. There's something in my makeup, my genetic makeup, the response to marching and lists. My husband knows I make lists about everything and there's a list. This book is full of lists. They're numbered. I like it. I like that stuff.
There's people come in here that really pisses them off. You know, they really they probably have to be a lot more willing than I was when they come in to really like submit to this listing and there's doing in this order now. You just don't have to pick the which I did as a sponsor. But this list thing, you know, when it gives me four choices. I like that because then I don't have to thank God think because I tried to think.
And that didn't help me at all. You know, my thinking is really a joke. You're thinking maybe better than mine. Mine is a joke. So I like when they give me four things I have to do. It says I'm supposed to continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear for things. So when I'm having trouble during the day, that person at the next office for me is really pissing me off. He happens to sign my paycheck, which makes it hard to really play out my, you know, criticisms of him to tell him really what he could do to improve his relationship with his workers.
You usually don't do that with a guy who signs your paychecks. So when my I'm in the middle of my day and this guy is having a bad day or this gal is having a bad day or I'm just pissed off that you have and I don't, you know, that's usually it. You have something, I guess I perceive. I think I suspect that I don't and I'm sure I need it. Even if I've lived without it for 30 years, I need it now from you.
You don't and obviously you don't deserve it. Of course, I just suspect you have it. I have to look at this and it just takes me a second. You know, when I was new, I would have to run into a back room and pull out my Asbill C's and call my sponsor on a beeper and have her call me back and guide me through it. You know, it took, it took, I was practicing how to work this thing, you know? And now it's, it's a little simpler most of the time, is I can just continue to watch
[00:45:01]
for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment. and fear. And when one of those crop up, it goes on to say, tells you four things to do when you find them. Now when one or more, because obviously often it's a very complicated, you know, interreaction of all four things working at once, but if I can identify one of those four things usually covers everything. As a matter of fact, in this period of time I've never found anything that doesn't recover. Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.
Never found any problem that those four things don't somehow cover. And it tells me exactly what to do when I find them. Need to know that. Left to my own devices when I find them, I don't know what to do. I can't get anywhere. It's a program of action and it tells me precisely which actions to take. Thank you. It says when these crop up, number one, we ask God immediately to remove them. A little quiet moment where I go inside this house that talks about Dr. Bob's plaque. And I asked God to just give me a moment. Give me some breathing space from this. You know, give me a second. Help me. Powerless, powerless. Nikki talked last night about the first step. You know, it was explained to me that the first step had two parts to it, that I'd missed the second part of the first step. I'd come in and admitted I was powerless over alcohol and drugs and my life was unmanageable. Sort of. I'd admitted I was powerless over alcohol and drugs and my life was unmanageable when I was on alcohol and drugs. But then I got about five minutes of sobriety, became a guru. Thought I could manage my life. I wasn't doing alcohol and drugs anymore. I have a high IQ. I can manage my other people, manage their lives. Why can't I? I'm sober now. Two part step. I admit that my life is unmanageable, sober or high. I admit every day that I can't manage my life with all of my sober functions, with all my facilities, stone cold, sober and clean. I still can't manage my life. You see, and somewhere along the line, I had a crisis in sobriety because my life was still horribly unmanageable and I was stone cold sober. If you thought they hurt when you were using and drinking and were a little medicated and numb, when your life's totally unmanageable, when you're stone cold sober, that really pisses you off.
That really hurts, you know, and there's no anesthetizing then. I had to go back to my sponsor and find out now what do I do? Oh, I never get to manage my life. Oh, oh, I turn my life and my will forever over the care of God as I've understand him through these 12 steps. You know, and if I don't have a direct communication with God without walking up these 12 steps, you see, that's my action. That's my, that's how I keep my phone lines operating. That's how I keep a clear communication. Then says the second thing I do when they found these four things, once I've asked God to remove them as I discussed them with someone immediately and make amends quickly, if I have harmed anyone, call my sponsor, have a little quiet moment. Actually, often I don't call my sponsor. I probably take liberties in this step. Maybe, you know, maybe I do. You know, I don't run out of a meeting at work and call my sponsor. I, yeah, unless I'm desperate, unless I really have no answers, but I always like file it and check in with her. I know when it hurts. I know when something's a little off. I know when the circle's not fitting in a square hole, you know, that stuff I've sort of learned around here. If I discuss it with someone immediately, whether I leave a message on her machine or I have a quick conference with my HP, I discuss it with someone immediately and I make amends if I didn't think happened right away. Well, usually right away unless I don't want to. Then I got back up and call my sponsor, make her make me, which she does all the time. Now, when I was new, when I was a few years sober and I heard about this step 10, I started working it. I thought I was doing great. I'd identify my character defects. Well, my sponsor's not home, so I'll call one of my, well, sort of my normal dysfunctional friends. They're not exactly addicts and alcoholics, but they live by the creed of Oprah. And I call them and they commiserate my bullshit. And they say, Oh, you're right. It's him. It's what he did. He did it. How can you do it? Why do you live with him? What's his problem? You're absolutely right. Thank God you called me.
You've been wrong. It's fabulous. Then I hang up the phone and lay on my couch. Then I found
[00:50:07]
out that maybe I should, when they say, you know, you discuss with someone immediately, maybe it should be someone who works these 12 steps. Oops. That took a while to figure out being, you know, this intellectual giant that I am, that took a while to figure out. So then I call my sponsor and I discuss it with her and we'd identify my character defects. And I would get off the phone and I would fashion these character defects into a bat and I'd bludgeon myself around the head and neck with it. All these character defects, how horrible I was, I was never going to get any better, how I sucked the big wanker.
I was just beyond health. I was never going to get any better. I was as bad as I'd ever been. Right? Then my sponsor pointed out to me that there was another part to this, that I was supposed to identify my character defects, discuss it with someone, make amends. Then I'd call someone and I got better. I got a little bit better. So then after I beat myself about the head and neck for a while, I'd call up the person I'd wrong and tell them how horrible I was. How could they even associate with me or ever forgive me? Because I was so deplorable. I thought I was doing great. Didn't get that there was this fourth thing I had to do. And that was resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I could help.
Self-intolerance of others is our code. Once again, service, service, all self. The root of my disease, and I know this, this isn't my opinion. This is from living in here for 39 years. I know this for a fact. The root of my disease is a state I like to call self hyphen blank, fill it in. Self-hate, self-loathing, self-flagellation. You know, I hate this word because I hear it all the time from the podium psychobabble shit. Self-esteem, self-hyphen blank, selfishness, self-centeredness, self-hyphen blank. I can look up in the dictionary and everything that says self-hyphen blank is me. And as long as for me, other people can work on themselves. Other people do great work on themselves, on their issues. I cringe when I hear that from the back. Issues. Issue this. Issues. Issues. What issue? I mean, what do I do with that? Where do I go? You know what? Issues. Where? What? My low self-esteem issues. Self-hyphen blank. I have no, I have no time. I can't, I can't go anywhere with that. Maybe you can, but what I have to do is get off self. I cannot work on self. I identify my character defects. I pray. I look for those to not rule my life any longer.
And then I get off of it. I get off of this. This is, you know, God's like to me, God is like a, is like a chef, you know? And I don't know if you know any chefs. My mother and my sister are both chefs. And if you go over and try to pick at their cooking, they slap your hand. You can be 70 and they'll still slap your hand. You go, you'd be starving. Dinner's five hours late. And you go and you try to just take a little morsel off, but they're going to slap your hand. They hate you. I don't know about chefs. They cut you off. But I think of God as a chef. And when he's cooking, he doesn't like help in the kitchen. You know, he'd like me out grocery shopping. You know, he'd like me out setting the table. He'd like me out doing other work, you know, but when he's working on me, I have no business telling him how to adjust the little areas in my life. You know, I do the best I can. And then I focus on you. Because as long as I'm focused on me, I'm with very bad company. I'm in much better company when I focus with you. And you know, maybe that works for some people. Maybe that doesn't, but it definitely does not work for me because the root of my disease is self-obsession. You know, and I really take the best vacations I've ever had. It's not with me. It's when I've looked at you and what you need and how can I help with you and what can I bring to this relationship or this job or this sponsorship relationship, you know, or this dinner party or this conference, you know, or this meeting, you know, what can I do? Not what can I get? And that's been the greatest gift because that because that took me out of this place that was intolerable, which, which was the
[00:55:04]
place where I thought about me and my life. And I had been given some misinformation, you know, I mean, the message I got in life was that I was supposed to work on me and my life and I could control it. And if I did enough work, I could make it go a certain direction. That was the message I got. And that had to be totally abandoned in my life completely. I'll tell you a story about that. I have a friend who's normal, dysfunctional.
And about four years ago, I lost a job that I very much cared about. I hated the job, but I love the industry and the position. And so when I walked away from this job, this gal called very successful in the same field. And she said, Kendra, come over to my house for lunch and we'll sit down with the studio directory. I work in television distribution at that time I was in film distribution. And we'll sit down with the, with the studio directory, which tells you everybody, the who's who of that business, like the who's who of carpeting, you know, you go to this, you know, carpet or carpet unions directory or whatever. So I go over and we sit down and she starts going through, she's worked in the, in this industry and does very well for 25 years. And she went through the list because she knows she had worked with me. So she knew my qualifications. She knew my background. She knew my resume and she knew where I wanted to go. And so we went down the list and this one stuck and that one would never hire a woman. And this one, there was going to be somebody in that job till the moment they died. And this one made bad movies and that one was a jerk. And she went down the list. This was her, this wasn't me. And the, the end of like this, this exercise in futility, she came up with two names of two companies that I might possibly, if someone died, be able to work for, you know, but one probably wasn't going to hire me because I hadn't been in the last position long enough.
And the other one, you know, his sister was in the position I would be going for. And so she turned to me, this is a normal dysfunction, doesn't drink, doesn't use. And said to me, Oh my God, what are you going to do now? She was supposed to be helping me. And I was like, well, I'm trying to be as brave as possible. I'm going to go home and I'm going to have some quiet time with my HP and I'm going to go to a meeting and then I'm going to wake up tomorrow and start my day over again. And she sort of went, Oh, okay. So I drove out of her house, down the hill, ready to commit suicide, of course, because my future is so dim. And I go to a meeting and about five minutes into the meeting, I forget all about it. And I go to, you know, fellowship afterwards and then I go home. About three days later, I call her. I've forgotten all about it. Might be the lead of gasoline, but might not. Might be proper. Oh, and I said, hi, Anna. She said, Kendra. I said, yeah.
She said, Oh, thank God. It sounds like you. I said, why? She said, because when you left the other day, my husband called and said, how's Kendra? And I said, she's gone off the deep end. She's waiting for a sign from God. You know, they're great out there. They are, but they don't do what we do here. And if you want to learn how to practice how we do it here, you might want to talk to somebody who does what we do here. You know, they're perfectly fine. They're managing, they're doing, you know, they're doing it their way.
They're going through books, they're finding jobs, you know, whatever they're doing. Fabulous. But you know what? That's, it taught me not to go to anybody who does not work these twelve steps that have saved my life. Because I'm different from my fellows. As much as I love this girl, I was different from her. I require a different input. It says it's easy to sled up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle flow. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition, however you find it, you know. Life is a great motivator. There's been times in my life when I have just, you know, danced up the road of happy destiny, like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, and there have been times when I have drug myself on my hands and knees bleeding up that same road, you know, at different speeds. And life has motivated me when I could not
[01:00:05]
stand the pain. And I Was So Uncomfortable, To Do Different Work, It's All About a Spiritual Maintenance, You Know, And It's What Works for Us, Each, Individually, Once We Work These Twelve Steps, Same Book, If I Put My Book Next to Rashid's Book, We Might Have Different Stuff Highlighted, Probably, Different Things Resonate at Different Times, I Read the Same Book, Almost Seven Years Ago, Didn't Hear This, Didn't Hear This, I've Heard the Same Speakers, Over the Years, Mickey, Every Time I Hear Mickey, I Hear Something Different, Totally Different, Resonates in a Different Way with Me, But I'm in the Seat, Reading the Book, Taking the Action, Seeing What Comes, That's a Spiritual Program for Me, I May Never Levitate, It Would Really Bum Me Out if I Never Did, Every Day is a Day When We Must Carry the Vision of God's Will Into Our Activities, You Know, It's Not That Deep, I Just Do the Best I Can, I'm a Bozo on the Bus of Sobriety, Reading This Book, Trying to Live Comfortably, I Heard Somebody Say, Leap, God's the Net, From the Podium, Leap, God's the Net, And I Heard It When I Had Very Big Health and Professional Challenges in My Life, And You Know, I Thought If I Stuck Around Here Long Enough, And Prayed Enough, And Did Enough Service, And Worked the Steps, I Would Be Struck Fearless, That One Day I Would Have No More Fear, And I Would Venture Out Into the World, And Be Able to, You Know, Meet Every Challenge, And Fear, I Would Be Struck Fearless, Because There's A Lot of Talk About Fearless in This Book, And I Was Confused, So Confused, Couldn't Find an Answer, That I Went to My Sponsor, And She Redefined Fearless for Me, She Said That I Had to Have a Little Less Fear, And A Little Less Fear Could Be Me Calling You, And Saying, You Know What, I'm Scared to Go on This Interview, I Don't Want to Go, They're Going to Hate Me, And You Say, You Know What, Kendra, Just Go, Call Me Right Afterwards, Just Go, Just Show Up, Just Be of Service, You Know, They Have a Job That Needs to Be Done, Maybe You Can Help Them, Or I Got to Go to the Doctor, I Got to Have This Fucking Baby, Okay, And I Got to Push Out of the Garden Hose, Okay, A Watermelon, You Know, I'm Terrified, And You Say, You Know What, It Was The Worst Thing I Ever Did in My Life, However, I Survived, Call Your Doctor, Tell Him to Give You As Many Drugs as Possible, You Know, Or, You Know, He'll Take Care of You, He's Done It A Million Times Before, I Live Through It, You Know, You Can Do It, You'll Be Okay, As A Matter of Fact, If You Want Me to Come, You Know, Talk, You Know, You Want Me to Come Help, Just Call Me, You'll Be Okay, You'll Make It, You Know, That's a Little Less Fear, That Gives Me Just the Breathing Room to Be Able to Do It, And Fearless is Just for Me, Having a Little Less Fear, Because I Can Share My Experience, Strength and Hope with You, And You Can Share Your Experience, Strength and Hope with Me, And Take a Little Bit of My Fear From Me, Because You Can Handle It Better Than I Sometimes, You Know, I Have a Wonderful Partner in Sobriety, And I Know I'm Lucky, And You Know, He, He Was Here Taking His Fourth Year Take, When I Met Him, And, And Since Then, We've, We've, We've Walked This Path of Happy Destiny Together, We Have Little Meetings All the Time, And I Know I'm Lucky, You Know, I Know That, But There's Also Meetings, And Friendship, And Sponsorship, And You Know, You Don't Have to be Married to a Sober Alcoholic to Have a Sober Buddy, You Know, We're All Here for You, My Phone Number, Because, You Know, Now That Nikki Does It, I Have to Do It, Is 310-452-3775, And If You're Guy, You Can Talk to Richard.
Thank You So Much for Having Me, I, I Just Feel Very Grateful to Be Here to Talk About, You Know, Anything, Uh, About Having to Do with the 12 Steps, And You Know, I Don't Carry, I Don't Carry the Message Some Days, And, And You May Not Have Heard What You Need to Hear from Me, But There's Thousands of Meetings, There's the Book, There's Other Speakers, When I Was Newly Sober, I Traveled All the Time, And So, I Didn't Get to As Many Meetings, And I Took the Tapes With Me, And I Had Little Meetings on Airplanes, And You Know, There's So Much for Us to Avail Ourselves of, You Know, Here, And, And Take What You Can and Leave the Rest, You Know, And If You Like What You Had When You Got Here, God Bless You, You Had, I Hated What I Had When I Got Here, And I Had the Best Life I've Ever Known, And What More Can I Ask? Thank You Very Much, And God Bless You.