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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 805 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: jim-h-messenger-meeting-dana-point-2008-02-21.mp3 Duration: 00:42:24
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Cocaine Anonymous, I want to welcome you. I hope and I pray you hear something to get you to the pill of the night sober. Here's what I heard when I got sober. It changed my life. You cannot picture life with or without alcohol. Someday you'll be unable to imagine. Let's pray. God said. You cannot picture life with or without alcohol. Someday you'll be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. You will then know loneliness like a few know. He'll be at the jumping off place. He'll wish for the end. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but that's how my life ended. I was 29 years old and I wanted it done. I just wanted it done. I didn't want to see another sunrise. I got tired of hearing the damn birds in the morning. I had lived a life of really good times for a long time and then really bad times for a long time and I couldn't separate the two is what really happened. I mean, we can sit here for 45 minutes and tell you all about all the stories and we'll tell you some of those just to make sure that they're not throwing a ringer up here. You know, the fact of the matter is I'm a cocaine addict. I love everything about cocaine. I like thinking about cocaine. I like the shit I got to go take just before I go get some cocaine. I like going to get to cocaine. You know what I mean? I like doing it. I'm the kind of drug addict that I don't care if I had a gram or if I had a kilo that we were just getting ready to break up. The minute I did one, the minute I did a little bit, my first thought was, what am I going to do when I run out? Not how long is this going to last me? What am I going to do tomorrow? What am I going to do when I run out? Because it didn't matter how much I had, we were running out. You know what I mean? I don't know if you did this. I did this a lot. You know, I had the intention of, you know, some of our readings talk about it, man. I would go grab me an ounce of cocaine and I'd bust it up into pieces and I'd hide it all over the house. That's for Tuesday. That's for Thursday.
And there's Friday. And by 3.30 a.m., I'm forgetting where I put it. And I'm searching the whole house because I couldn't have done it all. There had to be some left. You know what I mean? And what did I do with it? And if anybody else was there, then the accusations start. You know what I mean? You've been doing my stuff. You know, I couldn't go to the bathroom without gathering everything up and taking it with me. You know what I mean? I don't know what it is about cocaine addicts and drug addicts and bathrooms, but that's just kind of where we end up. That and closets. That's, you know, you can have this big, beautiful house and you're on the porcelain. You know what I mean? That's not what I thought my life was going to be like. You know what I mean? And I wasn't always a cocaine addict.
I started drinking when I was 14 years old, and that probably wouldn't be relevant unless I needed a drink by the time I was 14 years old. You know what I mean? And my first introduction to alcohol was slow gin at 7-Up and a bottle of Southern Comfort and a rolled joint underneath the football field of a high school. And the thing that I remember most about all of those times, the early beginnings, was simply this. It's going to be okay. I can do this stuff now. You know what I mean? I can go across the dance floor and ask her to dance. You know what I mean? I can hang amongst you and just feel like I'm okay. You know what I mean?
And that's how it began. And that's the love affair I had with alcohol and drugs for the next 15 years. That's as simple as it was. I did everything I could to stay loaded. The problem was, when I wasn't loaded, I wasn't comfortable. I just wasn't comfortable. I mean, I'd look at me in the mirror and I'd go, what's wrong with me? And I'd double that with what I found in my inventory to be more of my character defects. I'd look at me in the mirror and go, what's wrong with me? And then I'd get amongst you and I'd tell you everything that was wrong with you. See? And I would use this weapon to build you down so I could build myself up. You know what I mean? And in recovery, we call that gossip and slander. And those were my two biggest weapons that I grew up with, was gossip and slander. You know what I mean? Because if I talked enough trash about somebody, I'm going to raise some prejudice in you. Because you don't know him. You just know what I'm telling you about him. And isn't it amazing? 19 years later, in recovery, we still do that.
We still talk about people. We call it blacktop sobriety outside. You know, we're out there.
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There's two kinds of cliques in Cocaine Anonymous. If you're new, I want to tell you there is. A friend of mine says there's two kinds of cliques in Cocaine Anonymous. There's those that are working the steps and those that are talking about those that are working the steps. That's it. You know what I mean? Because what's happening is the ones that are working the steps are trying to improve upon the quality of their lives. The ones that aren't working the steps are talking shit about the ones who are. You know what I mean? And that's just how it is. And I've fallen into both of those cliques in my sobriety. You know what I mean? Because I just needed to feel okay. I did stuff in my life that I'm not proud of. I did a lot of things in my life that I truly regret. And in this book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is what Cocaine Anonymous uses in its recovery program, they talk about guilt, shame, and remorse. And it doesn't take me much to look back into my life and think about the guilt or the shame or the remorse. It just doesn't. I mean, I grew up with a conscience. You know what I mean? And the only thing that quieted the conscience was cocaine and drugs. That's the only thing that quieted it. And it got me to that infamous place that I know that in talking with the countless men that I've ever talked to and the countless women that I've ever talked to in recovery, it got me to that simple place.
You know what that place is? I don't care. I ain't hurting nobody. I ain't hurting nobody. You know what I mean? And if you did what I did and they treated you like they treated me, you'd do the same stuff. You know what I mean? I grew up amongst burglars and robbers and thieves and liars and cons. Those are my tools for living. That's what I know how to do. And I'm going to come to Cocaine Anonymous and try to be a con. Oh, please. Who am I kidding? All right. Who am I kidding? That's all we are. See, I'm a liar, a cheat, and a thief. I will tell you precisely what I need to tell you to get you to do precisely what I want you to do in the manner of which I want you to do it in the time frame of which I desire it. And as long as you conform, we're going to get along just fine. But the moment you don't give me precisely what I want in the manner of which I want it, I'm gone. I'm gone. And there's only two ways I'm leaving. I'm leaving by telling you how bad you are, how wrong you are, and how you push me to the edge and how you made me do that shit.
Right? Or I'm ripping you off and I'm splitting. I'm going to rip off your trust. I'm going to rip off your emotions. I'm going to rip off everything that you hold near and dear to you. And I'm just going to leave. And if I'm real good at what I do, I'm going to make it your fault. Because I don't have the power to look at me. Because what my alcoholism will tell me is Jim's not a bad guy. Jim's a nice guy. Jim gives a lot of things to a lot of people. Jim helps a lot of people. Jim tries to do all this other stuff. But there's that still small voice in back of me, what I call the demon of alcoholism, that says, you know what? You don't treat me right. I deserve more. I deserve to be treated better.
You don't call me enough. You don't talk to me enough. You don't hug me enough. You don't love me enough. See? And you know what all that is? For the longest time, all that is was the garbage that I brought to Cocaine Anonymous. That's the stuff that I buried deep down inside of me, that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me I must get to. So he said, I have to get down to the root of the problem. Not the surface level stuff. We know what the surface level stuff. We know the warrants and the unpaid bills and the no driver's license and the rearview mirror driving and watching out for the cops and keeping track of the lies I told. And how do I cover the balance check for the check I stole for the check I wanted to steal? You know what I mean? It's a constant. Believe me, you live that kind of life like I led my life. You need to stay loaded. You know what I mean? Because I can't keep track. It just got way, way too much. It got way too much. And anything that got in my way was expendable. Anything that got in the way of me getting loaded was expendable. And let me tell you what that was. I was a newborn baby girl. At two and a half years old, I signed adoption papers and I gave her away.
Because I knew she'd be better off. Because her dad was a loser. She'd be better off with someone else. I signed the adoption papers off. And my ex-wife left with my best friend and they got married and they adopted my daughter. And I didn't tell you this, but I was given away when I was a kid and I had an identity crisis from the time I was 17 because I didn't know who I was. You know how I found out who I was? I was not raised as Jim H., by the way. I was raised as Jim M.. I was talking to one of my sponsors about this last night. For 24 years of my life, I was Jim M.. And I got arrested when I was 14.
And I don't know if there's any criminals in the room who have ever seen a petition, but I got a petition. And on that petition, it said, James M., also known as James H. And I went, who's that? I never used that name. You know what I mean? And I was taken out of a home and put into another home. Well, in 1959, when I was raised, they just used whiteout and they just typed in a new name. And that's how I was adopted.
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You know what I mean? But I grew up that whole way wondering who in the hell I was and where I come from. And I have to find out in a court of law? Guess what that did to me and my family beliefs. You know what I mean? I don't want nothing to do with any of that stuff. And you fast forward, I'm 21 years old. And what do I do? I told myself that I would never do that to another human being because I know the pain and suffering I went through for all the years that I went through it. And I was challenged with getting sober, paying child support, and I gave this kid away. And I stayed loaded. And I always thought, you know, my whole life, I thought that if I could be a stand-up guy, if I could tell you, you know, honey, I'll be there next week. I'd be there next week. If I told you I'd meet you for 12 o'clock for a cup of coffee, I'd meet you for 12 o'clock for a cup of coffee.
And you know, I got to be honest, when I would, those words would leave my mouth, they would be the truth. I really wanted to. And something else came up. It just came up. You know what I mean? And I didn't like you that much anyways. You know what I mean? And I would justify and rationalize all my behaviors, every one of them. You know, and I got married again because I always thought that I could, you know, my ideal life growing up was father's knows best. You know what I mean? And I wanted to be a father. I wanted to have a family.
I wanted to do all the things that I felt that I was missing in my life. That's what I thought that I always wanted my entire life. And so I kept trying to do that. I met a girl. We talked for 20 minutes. We were in love. We got married. And we ran off to Reno, Nevada with a couple ounces of cocaine and a whole bunch of money. And we were going to set up shop and I was going to build this bright future. And two years later, we're divorced.
You know, we're back down in Los Angeles. We got another baby in tow. You know what I mean? Because that's what I do. And we we got another baby in tow. And this time it's going to be different. This time it's just going to be different. And it wasn't any different. I mean, it just kept getting there. They talk about alcoholism and drug addictions being progressive. I don't know if that's your story. That's my story. It just kept getting it kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse. And all the yets that I said I would never do, I started doing and all the things that weren't happening to me started happening to me. I was the kind of guy that I'd be at the bar and I'd look down to the drunk at the end of the bar that was there at six o'clock and I said, if I ever get as bad as him, I'll quit drinking. Well, I never knew that as my as his alcoholism progressed, mine progressed. See, I'd never catch up to him because he's already progressed past that point. But he was my measuring stick. See, I could never see my own measuring stick.
I had no idea what was going on. I was measuring what was going on in my life by the by the people that I was hanging around. You know, I mean, and when you're putting twenty five grams a week of cocaine up your nose, you're drinking three bottles of alcohol and you're taking pills as quick as you can swallow them. You don't see real clearly. You know, I wasn't seeing things as it was. You know what I mean? If my life got as bad as the doorman at the crack house, then I'll change. If I end up pushing a shopping cart down the middle of the street, dead broke, I'll change. I mean, and that stuff didn't happen for me. You know, I mean, the worst thing happened to me is I was getting evicted from a one bedroom apartment where I got sober. That's it. I've been arrested once for possession of cocaine. I've never had a DUI. I mean, there's a lot of differences if you want differences of why, you know, I'm different and you're different and I'm different. Here's the here's the reality. See if you can understand this. How many times you ever get loaded, Jim, when you didn't want to get loaded, Jim? How many times that happened? How many times did I swear I was going to work? I was coming home. I was reading a story. We're going to go to bed, get up tomorrow morning, go to work, come home, you know, have a nice dinner with the family, read a story to the kids, and I'm going to bed. And I get out of bed in the morning, I got to do a line to get to work. And then by lunchtime, I got to have a couple drinks. And then after work, I'm gonna go with Joey to happy hour. And then it's last call.
What happened to dinner with the kids? I mean, I had a lot of really good intentions and I didn't have the ability to carry them out. A lot of really good intentions and no ability to carry them out. I always thought I was a smart guy. I always thought I was an intelligent, well communicative human being. What I found out is all I knew how to do was baffle you with bullshit. Because that's what I was. I was full of shit. I mean, there wasn't an honest word coming out of my mouth. And what happened for me is I got to the end where I was, I was, I told you I was putting a bunch of cocaine up my nose. I was drinking a lot. I was, I was, my life was a living hell. I was six foot two, I was 142 pounds and I was dying of alcoholism. And I didn't know it. I didn't know it, you know, and then, then I'm leaving the club in June of 1988, I'm
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leaving the nightclub, and because I was an outside drinker, I was an inside smoker, you know what I mean, I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I would go to the club, you know what I mean, and I'd drink at the club, and then as soon as I started drinking I got to get some coke, and as soon as I get some coke, I got to get back to the house, you know, and it generally ends up with me duct taped towels, porn, and weird shit, and all alone, you know what I mean, that's generally how it ended up, and it comes with that when you come down, it's guilt, shame, and remorse, you know, you're all laughing at that, but I know some of you woke up with some people going, who are you, and where you from, I know that one, and are you male or female, I don't know the answer to that question, okay, I used to say I'd never been to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with a couple, you know what I mean, I think they were women, you know, I don't know, see, there's a place inside of me that I go, this darkness, this sickness, that today I can laugh about and joke about, but you know what, I wouldn't go to some of those sordid places that I was hanging out on my worst day, and I certainly wouldn't wish that on you, and my alcoholism says, Jim, you're having a good time, party, you know what I mean, what I've learned, if I've learned anything in Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous, is my alcoholism and my drug addiction wants just one thing, my last breath, that's all it really wants, it wants my last breath, and that truly to myself that I found out when I got here, is that, oh, I started to tell you, June of 1988, I hit the pipe, now I've been to Cocaine Anonymous for 19 years, one month, 19 days, today, and I got to tell you, I've heard people smoke the pipe for 15 years, they didn't smoke like I smoked, I don't know, no, I couldn't do that, I hit the pipe in June of 1988, and I got sober in January of 1989, six months, and I got to tell you, it was the worst six months of my life, and if you knew, as you've probably heard many other speakers say, once they start talking about hitting the pipe, they're about to get sober, you know, I got sober in January 2nd, 1989, I ended up in a hospital program, and I left that hospital 26 days later with a thing called a sponsor, his name was Corey P., and I got to share this story with you, Corey was my sponsor for a year and a half, and he moved to Stockton, California, and those of you who have heard me speak before know I speak a lot about Corey P., because Corey saved my life, he really did, he sat down with me, he read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous with me, he took me to meetings, he showed me how to live life, he told me to go get a job, and he asked me what I did for a living, and I had had some pretty good careers when I was getting, before I got sober, you know, I'm not an educated man, but I got real lucky out there, and I had one time had a four-star security clearance from the government when the president had a five-star, and I was working on some aerospace stuff, and he said, why don't you go look for a job, and I said, yeah, okay, I'll do that, and he said, I'll pick you up, there's a couple places if you need a ride, I'll give you a ride, and he picked me up one day, and I had on a old pair of slacks, and an old dress shirt, and he took me to his house, and he opened up his closet, and he said, go over there on that side of the closet right over there, and pick yourself out two suits, and take them down to the tailor, and get them tailored, and here's a suit, here's some dress pants, you need to go get a job, and he taught me about powerlessness, and as described in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he wasn't of today's variety, where we spend three or four months working on a step, he wasn't of that variety, I would call him up and say, what do I do about this first step, and he said, there's a passage in the big book, and you got to believe it's true, or it's not true, you got to admit to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic, and he said, do you know what that innermost self is, it's that still small voice, it's that voice inside of you that says, Jim, when you're getting ready to go down to the crack house, the voice that says, this is not a good idea, and I do it anyways, the still small voice, it goes to the chapter of the agnostic in here, and he pulls out a passage in there, it says, deep down in every man, woman, and child is a conception of God, see, he said, his belief was that that small still voice, the one that said, this isn't okay with me, this is not okay, that was his power, talking to him, trying to save his life, and he'd push it aside, he'd just keep pushing it aside, you know what I mean, and he asked me, if ever inside of me, did I have that still small voice, tell me this is not a good idea, and I ended up doing it anyways, even though I didn't want to, and how many times did that occur in my life, and I could reap that off with repetition, how many different times that happened in my life, and he says, do you think you can stop that still small voice, and I said, no, he says, well, then do you think you might have a lack of power in that area of your life, and I said, yeah, and he says, done, he says, do you think that as a form of that lack of power, you've developed a form of insanity, I had an issue with that, because insanity was, you know, straight jackets, rubber coats, and bouncing
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walls, and rubber rooms, and no doorknobs, and I mean, I had my conception, see, my conceptions were just screwed, you know what I mean, I heard a speaker once say that my conceptions of my life were half a bubble out of plum, you know, just a little off, and he said, well, let's just assume for a minute, Jim, that at one time in your life that you had a form of sanity, let's assume that happened shortly after birth, okay, and that as a result of everything you've thought, felt, did, seen, and been through, you've developed a little form of insanity, maybe you can get back to this form of sanity, but all you got to do is believe that there's a power greater than you, Jim, and I don't know about you, see, I grew up in the era in the streets, in the 70s and 80s, where we were scorekeepers and grudge holders, and we didn't tell you, you know, I mean, I don't ask you for help, because I'm gonna owe you one, I got to keep track, and oh, shit, I owe Thurman 40, but I borrowed 20 from Rodney, and I got to go over here to pay Jay, and I got to come back over here, yeah, you know, everything was, you know, you bought me dinner, I owe you two, you know, and Cory said, we don't keep scoring, we don't keep scoring cocaine, we don't keep scoring, and I said, okay, I can do that, well, we went through the rest of steps, and there's a story I started to tell you, was, was, um, I hadn't seen Cory, I saw him once about nine years ago, and yesterday I got an email that he turned 20 years sober, and so we drove up to me, and John drove up to LA last night, and I got to hug my first sponsor, and I got to tell you something, you want to talk about a powerful movement evening, it was an amazing, amazing night for me, I got off the phone with him, and my wife's here, she says, what's going on, and I told her the story, and she goes, get in the car, you know, Wednesday night, we hang out at home together, you know, I mean, that's our night together, and Tuesday night, I was at a meeting, and tonight I had to speak, and my wife says, go, you know what I mean, you know why she says go, because she knows I'll be back, or sometimes she's sick of my shit too, so I don't know, one or the other, because I don't know how many times I told you, I'd be right back, and I came to in like Texas, true story, you know, I mean, but I was just going for milk, I stopped and had a couple drinks, end up on an airplane, but that's a whole different story, and I'll tell you, the reason I brought that up, is because Cory brought it up last night, when he took his 20-year birthday cake, and I just told you, I'm 19 years, one month, and 19 days sober, my first sponsor just took his 20-year birthday cake last night, okay, February 20th of 1988 was his sobriety date, January 2nd of 1989 is my sobriety date, okay, he had 11 and a half months, and I thought this guy was God, I've been talking about Cory for 15 years, since I've had the pleasure of speaking in Alcoholics and Cocaine Anonymous, talking about the impact that this man had on my life, and the changes that he gave me, and you know, we found out over the couple years that we've been talking, I saw him eight years ago, and we kind of revisited it last night, he said that I was one of the worst cases of alcoholism he'd ever seen in his life, I had hair down the middle of my back, I had a baseball cap on backwards, I was kind of like CG, except he's sitting forward tonight, because his sponsor's speaking, but I used to sit back there with my arms crossed, and don't mess with me, you don't know who I am, and you ain't got nothing I want, unless you're cute, okay, and Cory fed through all of that stuff, but here's what would happen, I'd call him up, and I'd say, Cory, I gotta start working this first step, and we talked about this innermost self, and he want me to cite a couple instances, when I told myself I wasn't gonna do it, I ended up doing it anyways, just so I could get in touch with those, and you know what would happen, I'd get him, I'll call him up, and I'd say, Cory, I gotta start working a second step, and you know, we need to get going on this, I'm reading this book, I'm doing what you're saying, three pages every night, no matter what, and he'd say, let me call you back, he'd hang up the phone, he'd call his sponsor, he says, man, I got this guy on the phone, he wants to work a second step, I better work my second step, what do I gotta do, what do I tell him, and he'd say, oh, okay, and he'd call me back, he'd say, hey, Jim, this is what you need to do, man, okay, he's 20 years consecutively sober, I'm 19 years consecutively sober, what does that tell you, it doesn't matter what you know, or what you think you know, see, Cory didn't say, Jim, this is what you need to do, because he wanted to give me his opinion, he didn't know, so he asked somebody who had experience, and he said, hey, Hal, what do I do, and Hal said, do this, Cory said, okay, Cory says, Jim, do this, guess what, Cory hangs up the phone, Cory starts doing it, you know, he's emailed me yesterday, he said, if we were to blind, leading the blind, but we were leading each other with the already written path, see, that's the difference, I've watched people die in cocaine and honest, because somebody wants to give them their opinion, Cory didn't have experience in a certain area, and he'd
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call somebody who had experience, and I gotta tell you, here's some of the things, if you're new around here, I'd encourage you to do it, these are the things that changed my life, and they were the most uncomfortable, weirdest shit that I ever had to do in my life, my sponsor had me do stuff like this, every meeting you go to, Jim, every meeting, I want you to introduce yourself to three new people, for the first 90 days of your sobriety, I want you to walk up to these people and say, hi, my name's Jim, I'm an alcoholic or a cocaine addict, and I'm new to recovery, every meeting, and I don't know if I can do that, and he said, then get another sponsor, he said, we had the conversation, I asked you three questions, are you willing to go to any length for victory over cocaine and alcohol, and I said, yes, did you lie to me, Jim, and I went, no, and he said, then go shake some hands, that's what he said, and I gotta tell you, it was uncomfortable, because, you know, I had had a couple people I met in the hospital I was with, you know, and I was uncomfortable in this little small little circle, and everything was good, and that was my support group, and then they'd get loaded, and I don't have no support, guess what happened, I know thousands of people today in recovery, thousands, some of them tolerate me and like me, and I tolerate them and like them, some of them, we just don't get along, but we know each other, you know what I mean, that's just life, that's just what life is, but the fact of the matter is, what happened for me, new in recovery, less than three months of recovery, I'd continue to go to these meetings, and as I was going to these meetings, guess what happened, I kept seeing these same people at the meetings, they were always there, and their eyes were clear, and they were sober, and CJ, what are they doing after the meeting, stacking chairs, see, the guys that are sober, you watch the guys that are sober, Jim, that's what he was telling me to do, he wasn't telling me what to do, he was showing me what to do, he'd say, Jim, grab ten chairs, and he'd be right next to me, grabbing ten chairs, he said, Jim, let's go to the parking lot and pick up cigarette butts, Jim, if there's a speaker, go up to him and thank him afterwards, even if you didn't like him, and I said, why, and he said, because he took his time out of his day to do that, see, this isn't about you anymore, Jim, see, when I first got sober, it was about, what do I got to do, so I can get sober, so I can go on with my life, and I can be okay with me, and this book tells me what I suffer from is, selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my problem, I'm going to get sober, and all I want to think about is me, mine, and how, nothing changes, okay, Dr. Silkworth writes something in the beginning of this book under the doctor's opinion, it says there's an altruistic movement about them, okay, it's unshaken, okay, altruistic means unselfish, which means I got ten bucks in my pocket, I'm going to give it to you, I'm going to be okay, CJ and I were having this conversation the other night, I got five bucks in my pocket, I'm going to give it to you, and I got to give it away to keep it, okay, help me do the math, guys, I give away five bucks, I'm broke, I mean, what's that, you know, let's put two bucks in a basket, but I got a four dollar Starbucks cup, but I can't do it, see, I didn't understand that, you know what I mean, because I still have the mentality of plotting, and planning, and getting minded, I got these wild plans, I got this future built up, and I'm going to own this house, and I'm going to get these cars, and I got stuff, and trips I want to go on, and everything else, and I never left the house, you know what I mean, at the end of my drink, I'd be the kind of guy that said, hey, Alicia, I'm going skiing for the weekend, I'm going up to Park City, Utah, I'm going skiing for the weekend, I'll talk to you Monday when I get back, and I'd unplug the phone, and I go get my stuff, and I lock myself in my closet, I park my car two blocks away, in case you came by, alright, I do what I got to do, Monday I get up, Alicia, Park City was hot, I never left the house, see, I never went nowhere, I had plans to do everything, and designs for living that just didn't work, and you tell me, don't drink, go to meetings, help others, trust God, clean house, help others, by doing for other people, you're going to get, Jim, and the math doesn't add up, why, because I'm a scorekeeper, I'm a grudge holder, I got myself into this mess, I'm going to get myself out of it, alright, there's a passage in here that says that we will go on to the bitter end, blotting out the conscience is an intolerable situation, or we'll accept spiritual help, you're bringing in the God thing, and that brings up religious prejudice, and the church, and what they said, you know, and that's why Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939 when they published the big book says, God as we understand God, so we get the intelligent people out of the question, that's what it's there for, you know, and that's why Bill Wilson wrote in there, deep down in every man, woman, and child is the conception of God.
All you gotta believe is there is a power greater than you
[00:30:01]
and you're not it. That's all you need, Jim. The back of the big book on the spiritual experience on page 356 of the third edition talks about three things being indispensable. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. That's it. You wanna know why people get loaded after being sober for a while? Because one of those three things are not happening. That guy said something to me that I don't like and boom, I shut my brain.
There's no more open-mindedness. Some people say how it works, honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, who it works for, you know? Willingness, open-mindedness, and open-mindedness, it's all the same, you know what I mean? But you take away one of those and it doesn't spell nothing. Just woo. Woo. You know what I mean? I have to stay those three things. And that's what Corey taught me when I was newly sober is I have to stay those three things.
I have to stay willing. Willing to believe that your experience further down the road is better than the experience I have in the stance that I'm at right now. I have to believe that. I have to believe that if I come to you with a situation and I ask for your help, you're not gonna just give me your opinion, you're gonna share what this book tells us our responsibility is. We've killed more cocaine addicts than anything else by telling you what I think you should do with your situation, okay?
Do you have any experience with this? See, Corey would be the kind of guy that I would go to him and I would ask him, Corey, do you have any experience with this? And he'd say, no, but, remember the meeting all these three people at every meeting, get to know people and the big circle of people around you? He'd say, you know, Hal just went through that same stuff. Why don't you call Hal? Lest he give me his opinion on what he thinks I should do.
Then what I started to get was other people's experience, strength, and hope. I started to learn how to live. I started to learn how to go through divorce. I started to learn how to show up and be a father. I started to learn how to go get a job and go to work every day, which is two totally different things. I didn't know that. I got a job. When's the last time you were there? I don't know. You know what I mean?
I mean, those kind of things, the simplicity of the thing. You know what Corey used to tell me also? Here's a couple other things he taught me to do. He said, show up at every meeting 15 minutes early and I went, why? Why? What does that got to do with anything? Well, maybe they need some help stacking the chairs. Well, we got a chairman. That's his job. It's not my job, right? And he said, go help him anyways.
You know, I'll tell you what, I've been with the same company now for over 11 years. I've never been late to work. Never been late to work. My wife hates it. 7.30 movie? We're there at 7.15. She's like, 7.15? The movie don't start till 7.30, 7.45. And you know they got 20 minutes with the previews. But I want a good seat. You know what I mean? I might miss something. You know what I mean? By showing up 15 minutes early and by hanging out at a few minutes late, guess what I get to do?
I get the opportunity to enlarge the people that circle around me and get to know you a little bit. Because what this is really about is me getting to know you so I'm not alone. Because I don't care how connected I am. I don't know how wonderful I feel inside most of the time. There are days when I'm going to go home. I'm going to be here with 100 people and I'm going to feel all alone. I'm just going to be alone.
See, because today my alcoholism doesn't care. Doesn't care if I'm happy, joyous and free. Doesn't care if I think I got it going on. You know what I mean? Alcoholism just works at my weakest point. I don't know what my weakest point is. My weakest point constantly changes. Today my weakest point could be money. Tomorrow it could be women. The next day it could be my job or my car. Could be my dogs.
It could be my daughter. It could be my stepson. I don't know. Anything that it can do to activate three things in me that are going to separate me from the power and that's resentment, fear and dishonesty. Those are the three things that are going to separate me from the power. Lest I act out in sexual conduct which is the fourth inventory that we do. Those are the things that are going to separate me from the power and that's where alcoholism wants me.
That's what I believe today and that's what I was drilled into me in the early three steps of Pocaine Anonymous. Having made that decision, having made the decision that I was going to turn my life off because I really didn't do such a good job at 29. You know what I mean? My life was falling apart. Having made that decision, what I found out when I did my inventory process is a lot of the beliefs that I had were just wrong.
I thought my father didn't love me because he stood up and told the judge to keep me when I was 14 years old and he threw me away and made me a ward of the state of California. You know what I mean? I didn't realize until I did my inventory process that he might not have told the judge to keep me if I didn't break into the house, steal the gun and put a gun to somebody's head. There was no correlation to the two.
You know what I mean? I'm in jail because he told the judge to keep me.
[00:35:01]
No, I was a 14 year old delinquent, man. And I could have killed somebody. And my dad tried to raise me and teach me the difference between right and wrong and I had nothing to do with it. Because don't you see what you're doing, dad? You're coming home drunk and you're throwing dishes all over the place. You're coming home… See what I mean? I would take and justify and rationalize my behaviors by what I thought you were doing.
And mine's not as bad as yours. Just leave me alone. I ain't hurting nobody. You know what I mean? And then what happens when I'm all alone, just where I want to be, just where I'm telling you to keep me, just stay away, leave me alone. All right? I'm at home pissed off because nobody likes me. And nobody wants to be around me. And the only thing that's gonna make me feel better is another drink or another hit.
Thank God for the steps of Cocaine Anonymous. Because I don't think that way no more. I don't live that way anymore. You know what I mean? The drama in my life is very simple. The drama in my life is self-created most of the time. You know what I mean? And I don't like drama. There's a page out here, page 162, you know, they actually centered it in the page. Somebody did some math one day, like 16 lines up, 16 lines down, say the words in the middle.
We absolutely insist on enjoying life. I didn't come to Cocaine Anonymous to do hard time. I've done enough hard time, man. Hard time for me was enough trying to figure out where to get another hit and keep the lies up and keep the bottles up. You know what I mean? Keep the balls in the air. You know what I mean? The only ball I got to keep in the air today is sobriety. That's it. Corey told me there's four things that are important in my life and don't ever get the four screwed up.
Ever. Don't ever get them out of whack. Because if you do, you can judge how you're feeling today by how these four things are in priorities. One is your sobriety and your recovery, number one today. Number two is your health and doing something to make sure you eat properly or do something for your health, right? Number three is your job. You become self-supporting. You quit leeching off other people, Jim, right?
And then four is your relationships with other people. Fourth. I didn't know that. I always got it out of whack. You know what I mean? I always got it out of whack. And what I learned now is if I have those four things in that order and balanced within those four things, I'm as comfortable as I want to be. I'm as comfortable as I want to be. And that took learning lessons over the time of being sober.
Because believe me, when I first got sober, what I needed? I needed her. I needed number four now. Been a long time. Five, yeah, four. You know what I mean? I needed a relationship now because I needed sex with somebody else in the room present, which hadn't occurred in a long time. Okay? You know what I mean? I had no self-worth, no self-esteem, but I could take care of myself. Okay? Right? Oh yeah, and I need some money, but I don't want to go to work.
My health then. You know what I mean? In my recovery, yeah, I'd go to meetings and I'd do what I got to do. And then I'd meet her, I'd meet him, and we'd go hang out for a while and play pool and basketball and play golf and everything else. And everything's about recreation, what I want to do. It's about going to concerts, it's about doing all this other stuff. And everything gets out of whack. Challenge yourself, Jim.
Challenge yourself every day. Where are those four things in your life? And when I maintain those four things at the highest level that I possibly can today, February 21st, 2008, right? I'm as free as I want to be. Because the reality is, people, that's the only day I got to do. It's the only day I got to do is February 21st, 2008. And the beautiful part is when I go to bed tonight, there's a passage in the book that says I get to constructively review my day.
Constructively, people. For a long time, I thought it was destructively. You know what I mean? I'd beat myself up. I shouldn't have done this. I could have done that better. I wish I would have done that. Why didn't I do this? And I couldn't, no, no, that's not constructive. Constructive is, here's what occurred today, Jim. And here's, where was I dishonest, resentful, or afraid? And where do I owe an apology?
And what can I do better tomorrow, God? I want you to take my slate for today, God. Take February 21st's slate and I want you to put it aside. And give me the power to do February 22nd if you choose to allow me to open my eyes tomorrow morning. And then when I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is say thank you, God, for the ability to open my eyes. That takes Jim out of the equation. Jim is out of the equation, see?
I don't take tomorrow for granted. My second sponsor, the guy that I deal with now, Jay S., every year for a birthday, I get a book. I get another book. And they're all spiritual books. And some of them are really great books, but it's another book, Jay. And, but I've really gotten some great information from some of these books that I've been reading. And the biggest thing that I have to focus on today is one day at a time.
You know what I mean? Jay used to always tell me, and he still reminds me on occasion, he says, Jim, you make all the plans you want for your future. Don't pack. Just don't pack. You know what I mean? He has me go on retreat. He says, if you go on a retreat on a Friday night, what I want you to do is go into retreat,
[00:40:00]
unpack your suitcase. Now we know we're all leaving Sunday morning from the retreat. He says, don't pack till after the last conference. Because you know, I want to get up Sunday morning. I want to pack. All right? He says, once you pack, you've left. Follow me? So I don't pack. Me and my wife go on beautiful vacations. Guess what happens? We check into the hotel room, I unpack. Until we check out of the hotel, I don't pack.
I get to enjoy the whole vacation. Instead of thinking on Saturday, well, we got to pack our stuff. We got to leave tomorrow. We got to get to the airport. We got to do it. You know what I mean? Think about all the time I'm missing. It's about right here, right now. Right here, right now. If you're new to cocaine anonymous, I'm going to tell you right here, right now. And I don't care if you walk down the street, clicking your hands like this.
Right here, right now. Cause that's all it really is. That's what they told me. And I believe it to be true. And if you can apply that in your life every day and ask the power to come into your life, my experience is my life has changed. I am not the man that walked in here, January 2nd, 1989, nor do I wish to be ever again. My life has been touched by some amazing people. I've watched amazing things go on in my life and around my life that has occurred in other people's lives.
We've been through marriage together. We've been through death together. We've been through births together. We've been through everything together, but not once, unless I chose to lock myself in the house, did I do it alone. See, I need you. I need you today just as much as I needed you the day I got here. The beautiful part is we need each other. We just need each other. So that tool that Corey gave me, I want to encourage you to try it amongst yourselves.
Okay? Say hello to somebody tonight before you leave that you've never introduced it to. Maybe you've seen him at 50 meetings, but say hi to him. Just say hi to him. It'll feel weird. Okay? But try and enlarge the circle of people around you. See, and by enlarging the circle of people around you, what you're doing and you don't even know it is you're allowing yourself to be available for many other people's experiences.
And it's your experiences that changed my life. And thank you for giving those to me. Thanks. Thank you.