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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 832 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: ernie-g-benchmark-reunion-2011-10-08.mp3 Duration: 00:57:03
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My name is Ernie G. and I am a very grateful recovered alcoholic. And my real name, I am of Greek descent, and my real name is Anastasios. So for all the white people in this room, non-Greeks, Ernie Ernest will do. It is just an absolute honor for me to be here in Benchmark Recovery Center. It is an absolute honor for me to be here in Mark Houston Hall. Here we are in God's hands. If you look at this, we are on a beautiful night.
We had a bunch of barbecue. We are all here in Mark Houston Hall. And we are all sober. Can I please have a real amen? Amen! So far so good. How are we doing? You know, I can just tell you that, you know, eight years ago, just before I got sober, you know, this was not my plan. I am shivering near death in some little hotel room in San Diego, California, thinking, why can't I stop? And, you know, I have been sober for a little over seven years, seven years and a couple of months.
And today I get the absolute honor to come up here and speak. And I get to see all of God's work, you know. And I see it in everybody's eyes here. And I need to say thank you really quick to all the people that made this possible. Wayne K., the owner of Benchmark. I'd like to thank him for giving this opportunity. And his wonderful financial support for Benchmark. I'd also like to thank Barsha S. for giving this opportunity.
And Tony M.. Tony and I go way back. And it's funny how our paths continue to cross. And now about Mark Houston. I had the, you know, I was going to say that Mark Houston, I was praying just before I got here. And I'd say that Mark would be standing next to me when I took the podium. And I truly believe that he is. And if I look over, damn, there he is. And it's one of those freaky pictures like in Disneyland.
No matter where you go, he's staring at you. You know, I've still got a little paranoia thing going on. But I can tell you, I had the opportunity, the absolutely blessed opportunity to hear Mark carry the message. He carried the message to some very dear friends of mine. And I can tell you this, that I shared the podium with Mark at Texas A&M about two years ago, and it looked like this. The flyer looked like Mark Houston from Banner, Texas, and his little buddy from Kerrville.
And that was me. He was like the Lone Ranger, and I was Tonto. You know, Tonto never got laid. He never had a girlfriend. And Mark, I'd say, everybody's there, Mark Houston, and they're lining up for him to sign their book. And I said, I'll never sound like you. And he said, trust me, buddy, I'm never going to sound like you. And it's a completely different message that I heard for the first time. I had been through treatment numerous times.
In 1985, I went through treatment in La Jolla, California. In 1995, I went through treatment in Cottonwood in Tucson, Arizona. And if you notice, my family continues to move me farther and farther away. First it was 20 miles, then it was 700. So when I landed in Kerrville, they're 1,200 miles away, they're like, he's in Texas, thank God. And they just didn't know that I was going to hear a completely different message, something I had never heard before that came out of this book, that came out of only this book.
It wasn't our stories. It was about the solution. Not my solution, not your solution, but the solution. Mark always tells me, I don't got a solution. I don't have a program. What I have is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's how I got sober. And so, you know, in short, I'm supposed to say what it was like and what happened and what my life is like today. I'm going to get through what it was like in a hurry and get into the solution because that's what we have in common.
I can tell you that I was raised on the beaches of Southern California. And I can tell you, like I said, I'm of Greek descent. And I came from a wonderful, loving family. Blessed, blessed, blessed. My father, he came to this country, could not speak the English language. He came through Ellis Island. He had 38 cents in his pocket in 1935. And he amassed a fortune, a very comfortable life for me and my family.
And he loved me very, very much. And we owned grocery stores and liquor stores. And my father had two drinks a year. And he never drank when he was sad. He always thought it was an experience that he had to learn from and then be able to carry that experience to somebody else that was struggling over the same thing. Amazing. Doing the 12 Stamps and he never even heard of Bill Wilson.
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And that's the truth.
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And he used to always tell me that you should always tell your mother that you love her every day. And I'm like, well, I understand that, but why? And he goes, you want me to tell you the reason why? And I was like, yes, I'd like to hear why. He'd say, well, it's because she carried you for nine months and she gave you life. And that made complete sense. He goes, I, on the other hand, would like to put a bullet in your ass.
I would like to take you out. And then my mom, she's still living. Ninety one years old. And my mother was born in Lancaster, California, in the high desert, in the middle of the Mojave Desert. And she spoke Greek in a small Greek community and they had a ranch. And in 19, they farmed, they farmed alfalfa and they ranch sheep and cattle. And she didn't speak English until the age of 12. And in 1935, when my mom was 15 years old, my grandmother was killed by a drunk driver.
And so in the middle of the Mojave Desert, she was put in charge of her entire family. At the age of 15, she had to feed and raise her seven siblings. And my grandfather was in the hospital. And a year after he came back, the farm was doing well. And one of my uncles decided, for a surprise for my mother, to start the fire, the stove on, heat the stove up for the nightly dinner. And he caught the ranch house on fire.
And in the middle of the Depression, with all the children barefoot in the field, working to their fingers to the bones, their ranch house burned to the ground in the middle of the Mojave Desert. And if you talk to my mom, she says things like this. I had the most wonderful life a child could ever. And I mean, it was the great giraffe. I'm telling you, it's a story. She would tell me the story and I'd say, I need a beer.
Hang on a second. Just to get through the story. But my mom, she'd spend 15 minutes ordering a drink. Like an old-fashioned, just a little bit of bourbon, lots of ice, lots of water, a little sugar, and a cherry. Make sure the cherry's real nice. Put it right on top. She'd take two sips off that drink and she'd push it away and she'd go, I'm starting to feel it. I'm like, well, Mom, you're supposed to.
We tried to make her an alcoholic. She just wouldn't do it. But somewhere along the line, I had that spirituality as a small child. There was something just a little different with me. And guys all know what that's like. That internal condition that they talk about. That unmanageability. It's not the kind of car you drive, the kind of job, how much money is in your checking book. It's the unmanageability of that internal condition.
That ill at ease that they talk about. I was blessed with a lot of things. And what I was blessed with, I was blessed with the gift of speed. I could run. I was one fast little white kid. So if I had took anything to do with athleticism, had anything to do with scoring touchdowns, returning punts, kickoffs, stealing bases, or running a very fast 40-yard dash, that's what I did. And everybody knew who I was.
And they'd walk into a room and my name would be in the papers and they'd say, Ernie! And even with all this accolades and all these applauds, there was just something wrong. So I had drank beer and I had had, like I said, my family's Greek and 450 people at a Greek wedding, I'm going to sneak a couple beers. And I had drank before. But I'll never forget the first time I really wanted to change how I felt through the use of alcohol.
And I was in high school and I was at a party and I was staring at the most puzzling question in the entire world. Something that actually terrified me. And it was the opposite sex. Yeah, you girls don't know what we're talking about, but the guys know. And I looked and there were three girls across this room and I reached over to this Schlitzmalt liquor and I picked up this Schlitzmalt liquor, you guys know what it looks like, 16 ounces of fun, it's got the little bowl on the side.
And I cracked that thing open and I drank about half of it. And that alcohol hit my system and I headed across that room at these three girls. And by the time I got to those three girls, I was James Bond. I was 007. My Volkswagen turned into a Ferrari. You know, it didn't matter. As I'm walking across the room, the music from Mission Impossible, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, it's in my head. I am Tom frickin' Cruise.
And I go up to those three girls and I don't ask one of them out, I ask them all out. And one of them says, you're crazy. And the other two said, sure. And I'm thinking, damn, this alcohol works. I'm batting 666. I'm getting in the Hall of Fame. I'm headed to Cooperstown. And then I found how I could have that ease, that comfort, and I found my solutions. And that was really a moment that I'll never forget.
And I went on through life and I didn't have many consequences in my life. I went on to college. Yeah, I didn't have any consequences. I flunked out of college.
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But I remember the very first time I was going to San Diego State and the very first time that I did cocaine. And I walked into this room and I was living in South Mission and I had everything, you know, everything was at my, the world was laid out in front of me and this guy says, you know what this is? And I go, I got a pretty good idea. And he goes, he goes, it's just going to give you butterflies.
And I was like, well, okay, cool. I'm into butterflies. What else am I going to say? And so I did a little line of cocaine and that stuff hit my system. And I, there was a piano in another room and I sat down and that cocaine in my system and I'm a musician and I play guitar. And I sat down and started playing piano better than I ever had in my entire life. The only problem is I don't play piano. But I'm playing chopsticks.
I'm thinking I'm Mozart. This is incredible. This is whatever this is. I can't wait to get home and play guitar. And so this is what happened. Nothing happened. Nothing at all happened. I went to work that night at my dad's grocery store. I didn't close early. I didn't steal any money out of the cash register. I didn't pull out a bottle of Old Granddad off the wall. You guys don't know. Some people might know what that is, but that's okay.
I didn't pull the bottle off the wall. Nothing happened. And that just went on in my life. And I, from there I had this experience where school wasn't working too good and so I decided to go into a business of my own and I opened a business that my family knew experiences. I got my own liquor store. Like, what was God thinking? I had this liquor store just outside San Diego State. We had every fraternity.
We had every sorority. We had a delicatessen. We had beautiful young girls in little dolphin shorts running around making sandwiches. And we were the hip place. And it was very successful. But I remember the night that it happened and that I crossed the line over a broken heart. A girlfriend of mine of 10 years was absolutely gorgeous and she said she didn't want to see me anymore because of my drug use.
Because of my alcohol use. But the fact that I couldn't be honest. And I remember a guy walked in and he said, hey, by any chance, do you want one of these? And he pulled out a little thing of cocaine. And I went, cling, right into the register. I can remember him standing. I can tell you what he was wearing. And right there, boop, I crossed that line, that imaginary line. And from that point on, I could never get it back.
No matter how hard I tried. No matter how many promises I made to my family. My father dying in my arms of cancer saying, son, everybody has stopped in our family. They've done what you've done and they've stopped. Why can't you stop? And I didn't have an answer. I have no idea. I know I'm smart enough. But the voices, the disease that lies in my mind is either screaming at me or it's cunning, dazzling, and powerful.
And it's just a whisper. And I can't stop. And I was off to the races. And that's just the truth. And so I went to treatment in 1985. And I was, you know, of course what I'm going to do, I'm going to find an answer to this whole puzzle. I'm going to get married. I'm going to take a hostage. I'm going to take a hostage that's really good looking and likes to drink, just like me. And we have the house on the hill and we have everything else.
And I go to treatment. She's about ready to leave me. And so, but she drinks like me and she does everything like me. And she had a very good job. She was a court reporter. So we had this Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde life living. We're going to dinner at attorney's houses. We're going to dinner at federal judges' homes. And on the way back, we're continuing the insanity. So I went to treatment. And this is one of the things that you hear from the podium sometimes in the craziest treatment centers and the A.A. meetings that meeting makers make it.
Well, they don't. And I'm living proof here to tell you that they don't. That God is the answer. It's not meetings. Because I went to 128 meetings in 90 days. And on day 91, my wife came home and there I was with a pile and a bottle of Jack Daniels. And she walks in the door and I went, Hi, honey. And she looked at me and she said, Oh, no, you've relapsed. You draw me a line, you make me a drink and you call your sponsor.
I love that woman. I made her a line and I made her a drink. And I never called. I never made that call. And that marriage went away. And the house on the hill went away. And it all went away. And I ended up doing the best geographic change that I could possibly think of as a guy that was in the midst of the disease. I took a job in Hollywood. Yeah, you guys just think
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about me and Charlie Sheen. All right. Hanging out at Charlie's, you know. And I found a place where a lot of people partied, but nobody drank like me. Nobody partied like me. So I've been through treatment a couple times. And I always had that thing. And I'm going to tell you, the people that are recovered and they're in here and know what this is like. God bless you. You know what this is. For the people that are in treatment that still has this voice that I got a problem. It's just not that bad. I know what that's like. Because see, I've gone through treatment. I'm working in Hollywood. I'm working in one of the most famous television shows in the world. And I'm getting off of work and I'm going to the bars with the guys. I am not an alcoholic. I've been diagnosed with this disease. And I sit at the bar and everyone's like, say so. And they called me coach. And they're like, hey, coach, how's it going? I'm like, great. I have one beer. I have a Corona with a lime and I put it in there and nothing happens. I have that one beer.
I'm like, hey, guys, yeah. They're like, you're leaving. Yeah, they're shocked. I leave and I go home and nothing happens. I get up on Saturday. I watch some cartoons. I do some laundry Monday morning. I'm a champion. I'm the first guy on the crew. And they're like, this is awesome. He made it. The next Friday, I go to the same bar, same crew, same big pocket full of full of full of money. I sit at the same stool. I order the same beer.
I have that one beer and that phenomenon of craving that they talk about in the doctor's opinion, it goes off and I can't stop. And the guy's like, hey, buddy, the crew is gone. They're all gone. They're like and they're like, hey, the bartender's like, hey, buddy, you can't you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. And then I got a problem with cocaine, but I don't have a problem with alcohol. And that alcohol hits my system.
And I am right off to the badlands of East L.A. gang ridden. I am. I'm in East San Diego. I'm standing on the corners of crack city pretending I'm a Hispanic gang member. I don't speak Spanish. And they're like, what's up, white boy? My cover has been blown. Because I don't fit here. But boy, do I ever. I don't care if I'm like the homeless guy with that with that glass pipe or I'm going to stand at the Marriott. I'm still suffering from that same spirituality. And my sister comes to me. So no matter what happened, it didn't matter if I was making fifty dollars a day or a thousand dollars a day. I had a sponsor.
I told the sponsor, what did you do in Hollywood? I said, essentially, they just paid me a lot of money, thousands of dollars to take pictures of beautiful women running up and down the beaches of Southern California. And my first sponsor said, Ernie, you may be sicker than most people. And I couldn't make it to work. No matter how gorgeous that was, no matter how much money I made, it didn't matter. See, that's a spiritual malady that they talk about in this book. And so my sister shows up one day and my dad had passed. And my sister shows up and she said, Ernie, I know everything about you. I know about the checks. I know about the late nights and that you disappear for days at a time. So if you're not done, we don't care. The family's done. So the family members, you listen to this. My my sister made Dr. Phil look like a nun. And she said, I'm going to I love you more than anything in the world. And I never want to see you again ever. You can't hear the tears that fall for you at night when you disappear. So my my husband's I'm done watching my husband cry. I'm done watching my children cry. I'm going to find you a nice park bench and that's going to be it. She started saying things that I'd never heard before. She started saying things like restraining order and that you can't come within a thousand people of the family or any family function. You can't come within a thousand feet of mom. Now I've got a cousin sitting next to her and he's going, I'll take you anywhere. Let's go. Come on.
Get in the car. And I'm like, just shut up, please. And she's going, you got 24 hours to find out. It's either treatment or the park bench. And my cousin's going, I'll take you. And he's crying and he's pleading with me to come. And I'm like, and in my mind, I'm thinking, oh, it's over. I'm so done. So my sister, my brother-in-law, Demetrius P. says, Thea, what did Anastasia say? She goes, the little SOB didn't say a thing. He just sat there and I could just feel God's love on me. She, she loved me so much that she was willing to do anything. So the next day I called her and 24 hours,
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12 hours later, I called her. I said, Thea, I'm killing myself with drugs and alcohol. I'm killing myself with drugs and alcohol and I'll do anything you say. And she starts crying. She says, my, my prayers have been answered. I called the Dr. Phil show. Oh shit. I'm in a lot of trouble. She said, she said, I called him and said, I've hired. That's awesome. Because I'm going to tell you, my sister hired two Italian guys to have me whack.
Two guys were to walk him and say, Hey, are you Ernie? She was going to cut the check. Thank you very much. And they said, Hey, that wasn't on the show. They said, don't kill him. There's a wonderful place that he can go to you. Here's your son. Your brother is not broken. And so I, she said, I found this place. You can go to Texas and you can't ever come home ever. You can't come back to San Diego ever. Hollywood ain't going to fix you.
We can't fix you. You're going to go to Texas. You're going to hear a whole different message and you're going to get sober and you and only you are going to dig your ass out of life. You existed for yourself. Nobody else. I'm going to buy you the tools. The treatment facility is going to teach you how to use it. And then you and you alone are going to be responsible for your recovery. And I was like, Texas. Awesome. I play bluegrass music.
I play a little, I play guitar. I'm thinking, God damn, George Strain. Here we go. I'm thinking Amarillo by morning. This is going to be great. So I called my cousin who lives around the block and said, Hey Johnny, are you ready? He goes, yeah, I'll take you anywhere. And I'm like, really? He goes, yeah. And he goes, I said, how much gas you got? And he goes, gas money. Doesn't mean anything to me. Just tell me where we go. And he goes, you're ready.
He said, yeah. I said, San Antonio. There's this long pause. He says, Texas. I said, yeah. He goes, when's your plane leave? Cause he, his love only had about a 20 mile radius. Get out of the car. You're, you're done. Well, my sister and the loving hand of God and the people that carried the message to me, her love was, it's just, you know, it's, it's beyond, beyond words. So I take off and I, and I, and I land in Texas and I get out of the van and, and my heart's beating like, Oh no, look what you've done of all the places in the world.
And I looked around and I stood next to that van just before admissions. I looked around and I, I said the craziest thing that I never said before. I'm said, Ernie, you have only yourself to blame. There was nobody around. Just me and God and these beautiful sky going by, you know, that, that the beautiful Western sky with the clouds and white on one side, orange on the other. And I'm looking at this and I'm like, you have only yourself to blame. It's not like your father didn't give you everything and die for you. You've been given everything and this disease of alcoholism, drug addiction, just took it all away. And so they asked me if I could sleep. I told him, are you kidding? I've just been on a four day run. I can make sleep an Olympic sport right now. And I slept for 13 hours and the ladies, this nurse shows up, she goes, get up, get up, wake up. And I was like, yeah, I think there's a guy in the, in the hall there in, uh, uh, Chris R.. And, uh, he says to me, uh, they said, you got to go listen to this guy. You're going to hear something completely different. And so I get there and there's this guy and I'm in a room just like this and I'm sitting, I can tell you. And I, for the first time in my life, I sat in the front row and it was life or death for me. And I sat in the front row and I hear this voice and it says, Hey, have, have you ever tried to stop before and not been able to?
And I'm like, absolutely. He says, and when you do, since you, and he's just reading from we agnostics, he's not giving anything special. He's reading from the first paragraph. We qualify an alcoholic, a drug, the, uh, a drug addict. And he says, and when you do use, can you control it every time? I'm like, absolutely not. Sometimes I'm having, I'm going to a wedding and I'm having that one VO and seven and nothing happens. Other times I'm off to the races and I'm like, absolutely not. And he looks at me and he says, congratulate. And in the whole room, he looks right at me and he goes, cause he knows my story. He says, congratulations, Ernie, you're screwed.
Such a loving man. He says, you have a disease of alcoholism and you only have two choices. You have, you have, you have choices. Choice A is to go to the bitter end to a life just absolutely destroyed, filled with misery for you and your family. Or now he didn't say anything about stop drinking or anything. He said to a life blessed beyond your wildest dreams. And as I sit here tonight and I'm standing here tonight, I'm thinking all those words that Mark said to me, that all these people that have said to me before that came and they said to a life
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blessed beyond my dreams. And here I stand tonight, I'm thinking blessed beyond my wildest dreams. And that's just the truth. And so I didn't have to do a first step experience. I mean, first step, I knew my stuff. I knew this, you know? And so I, I, I needed to get right onto the steps. And so I did, I need to get in, get honest with God. And so I went down to my room late at night and I'm, um, and I roll over and I'm going to say a prayer, maybe the most meaningful prayer I've ever said in my life. And I'm going to talk to God and alone in my room in this little tiny, tiny bed, I roll over and I'm going to say this prayer and I roll over and there's the cool of the pillow. You guys know what that's like to roll over and the walls right here, but the was cool. And I'm like, well, so far so good. And I say, God, please, please help me.
I am all alone. I am so far away from home and I have destroyed my life and I have destroyed my family and I cannot do this without you. Please, please, please help me. And there was no sensation that I was going to go to sleep. You know, the sensation like, I'm getting tired. I didn't have it. I just fell asleep. And the very next morning I woke up and my feet hit the ground and I was bang. I was a changed man, like a lightning bolt. You tell me, how did God change my heart in my sleep? I'm not doing any steps. I did a little prayer and God comes in in the middle of the night, changes my heart. And I wake up and in the next morning, I am a changed man. I'm walking by people and I am on that pink glass.
This is day two and I'm already rocking it. I'm just, I'm all over it. And I walk up and I'm like, listen, I'm going to do everything you tell me to do. I told all the counselors, I'm going to, you made, they made promises to me. They made promises that I could go out in life and climb the tree of life and go to the farthest branch and jump as far as I wanted to and success or no success, that God was going to be there.
And that's exactly what happened. Oh my God, it has been just this crazy thing. And I started doing this. So I started, what did I do? I went and got my very first meeting. They said, go get a sponsor. I went to a meeting, my very first meeting, I went and got a sponsor. And, uh, and so, uh, I had done my four step. And if you guys are on your four step, just start writing. Cause I hate to write and I hate to read. And I wrote 80 pages in four days.
You know, I'd like, this isn't very hard. I wrote the person's name. And if I'm like this and okay, well, what's your partner? Well, I can't be trusted. I'm doing drugs. I'm drinking all the time. I think of only myself. I'm selfish. I'm lack of power. Wow. This is on every page. And so I'm letting this, I go to do my, I write this 80 pages and, uh, there's a doctor and a big time attorney from Austin sitting at this ping pong table and we're writing and they're, they're trying to write like Don with the wind. And I'm like, wow, Ernie, you seem to be doing a great deal of writing. And I'm like, well, you know, they're like, we're having difficulty with this.
I'm like, you're a doctor. How can you have difficulty with this? I, this is it. Did you drink? Yeah. Tell him what you drink. Did you lie to your wife? Yeah. Tell him, put down there. Did you lie to your wife? Did you cheat on your wife? He's like, well, tell her, wrote it down that you cheated. And I'm also not like this sponsorship stuff that tough. I can, I can, I can hold these guys accountable. So there I was and I did this fist. I got a sponsor. He says, I'll meet you on Sunday night and we'll do a fifth step. And I'm like, great. He calls me on Sunday and he says, um, I can't make it. I said, okay, great. He goes, we'll meet on Friday and we'll meet on Monday. And I said, okay, great. And he calls me on Monday morning. He says, I can't make it. I said, okay, great. He goes, how about Wednesday? I said, okay, great. Okay, Steve, I tell you what, this is the deal. We meet Wednesday night or I'm going to fire your ass.
This is a matter of life and death. And if you don't want to do this, I'll find somebody who's more concerned about me than their own little busy work. He's like, dude, you need to relax. I'm like, I can't, this is a, this is a matter of life and death because for every step I did, I got this wonderful release in life. I got this wonderful feeling. Hey, this is great. First step, second step, third step, fourth step, fifth step, I'm on fire. So I get down and he says, I said, well, I've done a bunch of terrible things in my life that I'm embarrassed of, like we all have. And he says, well, let's just go ahead and do this. And, and, uh, we'll go from there. And, and so I get down, I tell my, you know, I tell him all, and about halfway through, he's looking at this and he says, how many of these all, they all sound alike. I was like, because how many of these 80 pages all look identical? I go like all of them. He's like, just keep, you know, he's like reading Sports Illustrated and I'm reading it, you know, doing my fifth step. And, but then, and I'm, I'm having this wonderful experience. I think I have found the greatest sponsor in the world. I can feel God's loving hand. This is incredible. And I get done with my fifth step, he exposes my character defects in six and seven. He writes a list of the people I have to make amends to, and I think to myself, I have chosen the wrong man. This is not sponsored. I do not want it. I'm like, do I have to make amends to everybody? You need to make amends to everybody. So, you know, I started that wonderful thing that they're going to talk about those promises,
[00:30:23]
On 83 And 84 That They Talk About That, That Is All About The Ninth Step, And Then We Start Making These Amends, And I Had Not Had This Wonderful Glowing Spiritual Experience, I Had Hit My Knees Many Times, But It Just Was Not This Psychic Change, I Had A Guy Tell Me That The Twelve Steps Of Alcoholics Anonymous Was An Ego Reducing Exercise, And That You Will Have A Spiritual Experience Significant To Bring Around A Psychic Change, And That God Will Keep You Sober, And The Next Day This Guy Asked Me What Is Going To Keep You Sober, And I Said Twelve Steps Of Alcoholics Anonymous, And He Said Ernie, You May Be An Alcoholic With A Learning Disability, So The Twelve Steps Are An Ego Reducing Exercise Guaranteed To Bring Around A Psychic Change, Spiritual Experience, Psychic Change, And You Will Never Drink Again, And Alcohol Has Got Nothing To Do With It, So I Start Off The Adventure Of The Ninth Step, And I Am Doing This Stuff, And I Am Making Amends, I Am Calling People, I Am Writing Letters, And I Am Doing The Things That Are Really Uncomfortable For Me To Do, And I Got A Letter To A Girlfriend That Had Been Married For 25 Years, And We Were High Schooled, And I Wrote A Long Letter To Her About Making Amends, I Put A Name On The Outside, No Address, No Stamp, I Folded It Onto A Letter, I Put It Into An Envelope, I Went To The Mailbox, And I Mailed It Off To The World, But I Did All This Work, And I Have Since Been Able To Make Amends To That Girlfriend, Face To Face, But See I Did The Work, But I Want To Make Amends To This One Cousin Of Mine, My Cousin Pete, And My Cousin Pete, I Was The Best Man In His Wedding, I Was, We Ran Around, We Did Everything, We Chased, Went To The Colorado River, We Hunted Dove Down There, We Chased Women In Water, We Did Everything Together, And I Call Him To Make Amends, And I Am In A Halfway House, For The First Time I Am In A Halfway House, Whatever They Tell Me To Do, I Am Going To Do, So Ernie You Are Not, You Are Going To Go To A Halfway House, You Are Not Going Home, You Are Not Getting An Apartment, You Are Going To Do This Thing Called A Transitional Living, And So I Went To A Halfway House, I Am Alone, I Am 50 Years Old, I Am Telling People That The 12 Steps Don't Work For Me, And The Guy, Have You Ever Worked The 12 Steps, I Am Like No, But I Am Pretty Sure They Don't Work, I Have Tried This You Know, But Trust Me, And I Find That That Is The Lie That Our Disease Tells Us, The Lies In My Mind, That It Does Work, It Works For All Of Us, So I Go To Make Amends To My Cousin Pete, And I Am Alone, I Am 50 Years Old, I Am Sitting By Myself In This Halfway House, And I Go To Call My Cousin Pete, And I Say Pete I Need To Tell You About When We Were Growing Up How Selfish And He Says Hey Can You Hang On A Second, Because You Need To Shut Up, I Think That You Are Just A Lying SOB, And You Have Lied To Me Numerous Times, And My Children Are Sick And Tired Of You Not Showing Up, Uncle Ernie And Mr. No Show, And So All The Family Is Excited Because You Have Gone, You Are In Texas, They Are Excited Jackass Because You Are In Texas, You Are 1200 Miles Away, You Have Stopped Stealing Their Shit, See Nobody Cares Ernie, You Are Gone, Hey And I Understand That They Got Great Barbecue And You Found God, Great Well Enjoy The Brisket And Say Hello To God, And He Slammed The Phone Down, And Then It Happened, See Everything He Said Was The Absolute Truth, And That I Had Lied Who Him Numerous Times, And I Don't Know If You Know This That I Am A Sensitive Little Flower, And He Hurt My Feelings, So He Hurt My, He Told Me The Truth, It Was The Truth, It Hurt My Feelings, And I Didn't Want To Use, And I Am Like Holy Shit This Is Going To Work, I Am Holding My Big Book And I Am On Fire, I Can Feel, I Am Like Oh My God, I Don't Feel Like Making A Phone Call, I Mean Give Me 20 Minutes, I Never Scored In Austin, You Give Me 20 Bucks In 20 Minutes, I Will Go Find Insanity, I Know What To Look For, Kerbal You Name It, But There Was No Thought About Using, And This Wonderful Loving Power Of God Just Comes Sweeping Through Me, I Am Like This Is Going To Work, This Is Awesome, So I Go Down And Carolyn's Brothers Played Texas Hold'em, Taking A Bunch Of His Friends Money, There You Go, And I Walk Down The Stairs And He Goes What Happened To You, And I Am Like It Is Beyond Words, Because We Know What That First Experience Is Beyond Words, And So My Journey Begins, And So Since I Worked In A Show Business, And You Know Here I Am, I Am In Kerbal, And Spielberg Isn't Filming Any Movies There, That I Know Of, You Know I Go To Work Experiencing The Grocery Business, And So The Very First Thing I Did Was Go Get A Job At A Grocery Company, It Starts With An H And Ends With A B, Got An E In Between,
[00:35:13]
You Know, So I Know The Grocery Business, And I Start Off With The Very Lowest Thing, I Start Bagging Groceries, So From The Most Prestigious Studios In Hollywood, Working With The Most Beautiful People In The World, Making A Ton Of Money, I Am Making $2 Over Minimum Wage, And I Am Pushing Cards, And I Am Cleaning, And I Am Sweeping The Parking Lot At H-E-B In Kerbal, And They Start Watching Me, And They Are Like You Know, We Really Have To Keep An Eye On This Guy, First Of All He Is From California, He Is A Foreigner, You Know, He Tries To Talk Like Us, But You Know And They Say We Have To Keep An Eye On Him, He Shows Up To Work Everyday, He Does Everything We Want To Do, He Is Up To Something, There Is Something Going On.
So The Very First Time I Had Some Shoulder Surgery And You Know I Am Out There And I Am Pushing 6 Carts And Some 18 Year Old Is Pushing 20 Carts And He Is Like Dude Are You Ok? And I Am Thinking You Have No Idea Who I Am. When I Was 18 Year Old I Could Run By You Like You Were Running Backwards. And So I Hurt My Shoulder And I Had Some Shoulder Surgery And Then So I Walk In And I Am Walking Around They Said Instead Of Letting Me Off They Said We Would Like You To Come To The Store And Ernie We Would Like You To Just Walk Around And Talk To People Because We Have Been Watching You For The Last Year And That Is All You Do.
You Walk Around And Talk To People. We Are Not Really Sure What Job We Have. Really What Department Do You Work For? I Am Greek, I Am Genetically Wired To Talk. Me And Socrates, Plato, Acropolis, This Is What We Do. So Then The Craziest Thing Happened I Go To Work And One Day They Said I Said Do You Want Me To Continue Doing This? And They Said No We Would Like To Talk To You. And I Said Ok Great What Is It? And They Said Go Talk To The Store Director And I Said Well What Is Going On? Am I Just Going To Walk Around And Talk To People? And They Said No Ernie We Are Going To Make You A Manager Of What? Of The Entire Store.
Don't You Have To Be Here For Like A Number Of Years And Work In The Department? No No No We Think You Can Do This We Have Been Watching You And We Are Going To Make You An M.I.C. You Are Going To Be The Fourth Guy In Control But You Will Be In Charge Of 300 Employees. We Are Going To Put Your Picture Up On The Wall And You Will Be In Charge Of And You Are Going To Have The Highest Class Of Credentials And We Are Going To Do An FBI Background Check Much Deeper.
So This Is Crazy They Put My Picture Up On The Wall And The Guy Tells Me The Very First Thing We Are Going To Do We Are Going To Put You In Charge Of Three Departments. Ok And He Says The First Thing We Are Going To Do We Are Going To Put You In Charge Of Shipping And Receiving Of All Alcohol Products. Awesome I Can Do That And They Said Second Of All We Are Going To Put You In Charge Of Payroll. You Will Meet The Brinks Truck.
And I Need To Tell You In My Using Days I Had A Habit Of Borrowing Money From People That Did Not Know That I Was Going To Borrow It. You Know I Wrote So Many Checks With My Mom They Started Calling Me Mrs. G.. So They Put Me In Charge Of The Brinks And This Is When I Know God Has A Sense Of Humor. The Third Thing They Put Me In Charge Of They Put Me In Charge Of The Pharmacy. There You Go And So At Three O'Clock In The Morning I Am In The Back Of This Warehouse There Is Nobody Around I Know All The Cameras I Am Sitting There Surrounded By Alcohol I Have This Bag Of Checks There Is About $120,000 In Checks And I Am Sitting On A Pallet Of Narcotics. And I Told That Once To This Little Opiate Guy And He Started Drooling.
He Was Like Do You Still Work There? No. It Is All About Timing And You Missed Your Shot. But There I Am I Am Surrounded By Alcohol And I Don't Want To Drink I Got Money And I Don't Want To You Know I Always Say You Know I Got A Couple Hundred Thousand Dollars In Checks And I Don't Want To Steal The Money. And I Got This Pallet Of Narcotics I Am Sitting On There And I Don't Want To Drink. That Same Experience That I Had With That Spiritual Experience That I Didn't Want To Use I Am Completely Free. I Am Thinking About The Bread Truck Coming In And Me Trying To Work On Computers And I Am Terrible On Computers. I Am Trying To Write You Know Reports I Am Terrible At Spelling I Am Dyslexic And I Am Trying To I Am Not Thinking About This Stuff.
And I Am Completely Free And It Is Weird And They Say Ernie Ernest Because In Texas I Am Not Ernie In Texas I Am Ernest. My Daddy Was Named Ernest I Heard That A Lot. So They Say Ernest Can You Come Here And There Would Be A Bunch Of Little Tweakers From CA And They Are All Standing There Looking At My Picture. There He Is How Did He Do It? I Don't Know.
[00:40:11]
I Don't Know. He Is A Manager. Did You Tell Him About How You Stole Money Out Of The Register? No. Did You Tell Him You Just Came Out Of Treatment? No. Are You Kidding I Told Him That I Would Show Up Every Day. I Told Him I Could Be Trusted. I Told Him I Would Do Whatever They Told Me To Do. And They Are Like Wow. And See I Pulled Them With A Vision. This Is What Those People Do All These People That Came Before Me Mark And All These Wonderful People That Came Before Me They Pulled Me With A Vision About A Dream That I Could Never Experience And That Is Exactly What Happened. How Much Longer Do I Have? Another Hour Everybody Get Comfortable.
How Long Do I Have? 10 Minutes. Ok Great. We Can Get Through This. And Then I Started Doing All The Crazy Stuff. I Started Sponsoring Guys And I Started Working 5th Steps And I Started Doing A Lot Of 5th Steps And They Always For Some Reason Come On I Didn't Go To College I Don't Have A College Degree I Got No Letters After My Name. And So They This One Time They Said Ernie We Would Like You To Come Out And Work With A Man We Think His Name Is Bob He Is About 65 Years Old We Think He Is A School Teacher So I Go Out There And There Is A Tall Man He Is You Know Kind Of About 6'4 And I Said Bob Hi My Name Is Ernie And I Understand That You Are A Teacher And He Says Well First Of All My Name Is Robert And I Am Like Oh Ok Robert And He Said And Second Of All I Am Not A Teacher I Am A Professor.
And I Said Really A Professor A Professor Well Robert A Professor Of What He Says I Have A Doctorate In Chemistry I Have A Doctorate In Physics And I Teach Solar Phenomenon At UC Berkeley And The First Thing I Thought Holy Crap Ernie Start Using Big Words. And I Start Saying Things Like This You Know Robert Theoretically Speaking And He Is Looking Cross Eyed At Me And I Am Telling About The 12 Steps I Am Telling About The Spiritual Spirits I Am Just Saying The Same Stuff That I Heard Before.
Mark Ripped It Off From Somebody Else He Ripped It Off From The People In This Book Everybody That Carried The Message To Me That Really Carried The Message Out Of The Book Ripped It Off From The Book So He Says To Me He Says Listen Buddy I Can Tell You This And I Want To Ask I Have A Rocket Scientist In Front Of Me And I Want To Talk About The Advent Of Pi I Want To Talk About Pythagorean Theories I Want To Talk About The Big Bang Theory I Want To Talk About Lunar Effect On The Earth And Why It Is Tilting At 50 Degrees.
I Am Pretty Smart So He Says Listen Buddy We Can Talk About These Things We Can Talk About These But The Most Puzzling Question In The Entire Universe Is How In The World Does Somebody Like You Like You Stay Sober And I Can't Stay Sober. I Have Read Hundreds Of Books On This I Can Devise The Mind The Chemicals Of The Mind I Know The Chemicals Of Dopamine I Know The Molecules That Make Up Dopamine And Serotonin I Can Devise The Mind I Go To Lunch With The People That Wrote The Book And I Can't Stay Sober How In The World Does The Guy That Bags Groceries At H.E.B. Stay Sober And I Looked At Him And I Said Well Bobby I Want To Tell You Exactly How This Works We Are Going To Work The Steps Together You Are Going To Do A Fourth Step And You Are Going To Do A Fifth Step And Then You Are Going To Have A Spiritual Experience And A Psychic Change Significant And You Are Never Going To Drink Again And So I Need To Do This This Is Great And We Go Through This He Does His Stuff And I Do All The Stuff And His Sounded Just Like Mine You Know About The Lion And How We Are So Selfish You Know And Lack Of Power Is Our Dilemma So He Does His Fifth Step And We Are Sitting There And I Need To Tell You This I Can Tell You What It Was It Was Under A Big Oak Tree And I Reach Down On His Hand And He Is Having This Spirit And I Said Bob I Said Robert You Understand That When You Go To Do This That We Did Not Do This Alone That God Was With Us Here Today And He Said Do You Believe That And He Looks Back At Me Like This And He Says Yes I Did And I Said That Is Not Good Enough Robert I Said You Have To Understand That When You Go To Work With Another Human Being Another Alcoholic That God Is Going To Be There And Do You Believe That To The Core Of Who You Are And He Said Yes I Believe And On A Sweltering Hot Day In August Out Of Nowhere This Cool Wind Breeze Came Out Of Nowhere
[00:45:21]
I have this wonderful, wonderful, this journey. I have been all over the world. I went to Scotland and I spoke at an international conference, a CA conference in Scotland, and I spoke in front of 300 people, and we did that for five days, and it's crazy. You can't, you know, I spoke and these people, you couldn't even understand what they were saying, but they'd always go like this, they'd get excited about hearing the message out of the book, and that's some goofy story, and they'd get excited and they'd shake their fists, and they'd go, brilliant, brilliant, and it scared the hell out of me, and that was the women. This girl could kick my ass, you know, and I'm like, oh, but it's the same message. It crosses oceans. It doesn't matter. It's this wonderful, wonderful story that's out of this book, and you know, today, it's the greatest gift I ever gave my family, my sister. I got this wonderful, loving relationship with my family. You know, I walk in, I was talking about this, you know, I held my family hostage like this, and my family was worried if I got invited to a wedding, if I showed up, they were terrified. If I didn't show up, they were terrified. They were terrified if I came home, they were terrified if I didn't come home. Think about that, 24 hours a day, my entire family, all 7,000 people. So I called my sister, and I told my sister when I was in treatment, I said, Thea, you need to call the family, and she's like, what for? And I said, you need to tell everybody that I have a terrible problem with drugs and alcohol, and it has affected my life, and I'm going to do it, and she said, well, why would I do that?
And I said, they all need to know, and she said, congratulations, Ernie, you're the last one to find out. So I got this wonderful, it's the greatest gift, my sister, you know, I'm like, hey, Thea, guess what, I got this great job at a treatment facility, and my sister always brings that, she always says, oh, that's nice. And guess what, they're flying me to Texas, and I'm going to speak at Benchmark, and oh, that's nice, you know, because she brings me down, but I walk into this room. Lack of energy is not my dilemma. So, you know, it's the greatest gift I ever gave my family. I got to take the bullseye off and throw it away, you know, and I've been sober for seven and a half years, and every day is a blessing. One day at a time, what a bunch of hooey that is. One day at a time, sometimes it's one breath at a time, but every breath, in every breath, that wonderful song, song, you are the air I breathe, it's God. Every day, every moment, every moment, God is by my side, and that's the honest God truth. You know, I walk into these big Greek weddings, and somebody walks up, and I see them talk to my sister, and I've known this man my whole life, and I've never spoken to this man, but I hear my, he walks up to my sister, and my sister looks over, and she smiles, and this guy comes to me, she goes, he goes, you are Ernie, you're Thea's brother, and I'm like, yes, and then I know, here it comes, I have a wife, I have a nephew, I have a son, and I don't know what to do. Now, I'm not there for the Greek cake, and all the other stuff, and the baklava, and all the great food, and the dancing, the music, and all the love, and I'm not there for that. God has given me a mission, a destiny, guaranteed a destiny in my life, that I have a purpose in my life, and right there, this man is crushed by this disease in his family, and I have an answer, and that answer isn't my answer.
My, that answer is the solutions that are found in this book. It's like the craziest things. I, I got a wonderful, wonderful wife. I married a girl in, that I've known since the fourth grade, and she, she said, Ernie, we never noticed this. I just married her last year, and so she said, we never noticed this in you. We just saw this athlete that everybody loved, and that all the girls liked, and I, she didn't know, doesn't know, because she's a normal, she doesn't understand spiritual experience. I mean, a spiritual, that ill at ease that we have, that we all know about, and so when I was debating, I was, I was talking to a friend, and he said to me, he said,
[00:50:07]
he, I, he said, so he looked at Julie, and said, when are you leaving, and I said, well, I'm not, and he goes, so let me get this right. You're debating between Julie, San Diego, California, and Kerrville, Texas. I said, well, yes, I am. He said, you're an idiot, and don't ever talk to me again, because see, what it does, you might as well stand up at the podium and tell everybody that you're just a liar, that God has dimensions, and that God is limited, and that God is only in Texas, because God, is God here at Benchmark? Absolutely. Is God in Kerrville? Absolutely.
Is God in San Diego, California, because I walk the beaches outside the Del Coronado by myself at sunset? Absolutely. Of course, he's there, and so the words that my sister said, you can't ever come home, forever, never again. I got to go home. I got to go home to my family, and I get to be a caregiver for my 91-year-old mother that struggles with dementia and Alzheimer's, so when the phone rings at three o'clock in the morning, the miracle is, it's not that I sober, the miracle is that when the phone rings, I answer the phone, and then I go over, and I meet the paramedics, and I'm able to be the son, because I'm a satisfied customer of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Sounds like an infomercial. Then you're $29.95. And I have become, that when I stand here, I feel the presence of my father looking down from heaven, and that I have become the son that he wanted, always, and that my father's life was not a waste, and I have become the brother, the son, the nephew, the friend, the employee that I could never have been if it not had been for these facilities. Now, I need to tell you, my wife, I love her very much, and we've, you know, traveled all over the world, and done some stuff, and traveling, and I didn't go to meetings, but I always read this book, and that girl in high school that said, you're crazy, well, that's Julie, that's my wife, and that's the one that I'm marrying. Ah, didn't I just hit you? Yeah, the Hallmark moment right there. You know, she said, I'm going to give up drinking, I'm going to give up my two glasses of Chardonnay a year for you, and I'm like, honey, that ain't drinking.
But when I get up in the morning, I go to a meeting every morning at seven o'clock, and I drive to Pacific Beach, and she stays in bed, but we pray together, we put our heads together, and we say the Lord's Prayer, and we have this wonderful, wonderful, wonderful opportunity to grow, and whenever I get out of the meeting, I always call her when I go to work, and I still work in the treatment industry, and she says, what did you talk about? I said, well, we talked about God. She said, oh, that's nice. You know, and that's the coolest stuff. I can tell you real quick, you know, I love you all, and this has just been an honor, but I think one of the greatest stories that I have is that my first fear of going home for the very first time. I was talking to somebody that's getting ready to go back to Chicago, and when I'm on the plane, I'm in absolute tear. Here it comes, the stewardess with the cocktail cart, and she's coming to me, and I'm flying to San Diego. I'm six months sober. I'm going to a wedding, and she's coming to me, and I'm like, oh, God, what am I going to say, and it sounds like the music from Jaws, dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun, and then she's coming right at me, and then I notice, gosh, there ain't a bunch of people here drinking. Most people are having coffee, and there's just a couple people, and like, this is no big deal, because I'm afraid she's, when she walks up, she's going to say, would you like something, and I'm going to say, no, I'll just have a Coke. She's going to say, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. G. and 22F did not order a cocktail. He's an alcoholic, like, you know, and then I find it, and I'm reading this book, and I need to tell you, when I travel, wherever I go, I read Bill's story. On the way back, I read Dr. Bob's. I've been doing that for seven years, every time, and I read this book, but this is it. I've got Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've got it covered up, because I'm afraid. I'm ashamed of who I am. What a bunch of BS, and I take my finger off, and I said, you know what? You either live in this or not, because somebody, somebody may want to hear this. There may be somebody dying of this disease, so I'm on my way back, and I'm sitting in the back of the plane, and I notice there is somebody, and I'm reading this book, and I'm reading along. There's somebody. I can sense somebody. They've got their arm on my chair, and I glance down, and we're flying into LAX, into Hollywood, and I glance down, and there's these really long tan legs, and I'm into tan legs, and I look up, and it's this beautiful girl, and she's reading this with me, and she goes, did you read this book? And I said,
[00:55:02]
I read this book all the time, and she goes, that's cool. So do I, and she walks off, and I'm watching her walk down the aisle, and the first thing I think is, this book is awesome. This book works. Then I see her husband. He looks like he plays for the Niners. I'm like, you know, I pause. I hesitate. Hey, call me, and I didn't do that, but you can be free. You can go anywhere, any place, free. This ain't about drugs or alcohol.
This is about having a life beyond your dreams. Before I close, I get in to tell you about my crazy cousin Pete. You know the one that called me a lying SOB? Well, my cousin Pete has seen my words match my feet for the last seven years, and he owns property in Kerrville, and I manage it for him. If I go to Los Angeles, he lives in LA, and if I go to LA, and I don't go to his house and see his children, he calls me and says, hey, jackass, why didn't you stop by?
Last weekend, he celebrated his anniversary in Coronado, came down to Coronado, wanted to play, fool around with his wife, and I babysat his children, because I could be trusted. My life has turned out to be something beyond my wildest dreams. It happened for me. It can happen to anybody. I'm just not that unique. I don't care how much you did or how much or how little, male or female, how old you are. I got sober at the age of 50 years old, and I had nothing. Zeroes across the board. No family, no money, no friends, no job, nothing.
I picked this book up with the desperation of a drowning little guy, and I got well. You cannot get fixed, but you can get well, and well beyond your wildest dreams. I'd like to thank everybody for showing up and letting me tell my story tonight.