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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 785 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: earl-c-ohio-area-ca-conference-1993-07-10.mp3 Duration: 01:02:48
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Our Experience, Strength, and Hope of Each Other. Thank you for coming to the 1993 Ohio-era convention. The Statement of Anonymity. Traditionally, CA members have always taken care to preserve their anonymity at the public level of press, radio, television, and film. We know from experience that many people with drug problems might hesitate to turn to CA for help if they thought their problems might be discussed publicly.
Newcomers should be able to seek help with complete assurance that their anonymity will not be disclosed to anyone outside the fellowship. We earnestly request those granted here to honor this tradition of anonymity gathered here. We request that no record be made of this convention, either by photograph, movie, or still, or by videotape. If you should happen to recognize someone here who identifies himself as an addict, please keep this knowledge strictly to yourself. Thank you.
I'll start with the preamble, Jesse F. from Youngstown. Jesse, I am a drug addict. Cocaine Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other. that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from their addiction. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using cocaine and all minor other substance. There are no dues or fees for membership. We are fully self-supported through our own contribution.
We are not allied with any sex domination politics, organization, or institute. We do not wish to engage in any converse or either endorse or oppose any cause. Our primary purpose is to stay free from cocaine and all minor other substance and to help others achieve the same freedom. Thank you. Okay, we're going to have Hard Works by Mark D. from Kenton. My name is Mark D., and I'm definitely a grateful recovering alcoholic and drug addict.
Good evening, everyone. Hard Works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.
Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. But many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our story is disclosed in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.
As some of these we bought, we thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the urgentness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with cocaine. Cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power.
That one is God. May you find him now. Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. One, we admitted we were powerless over cocaine and all other mind-altering substances that our lives had become unmanageable.
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Two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
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Three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Four, make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong. Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Seven, humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, made a list of all persons we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.
Nine, made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Ten, continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly omitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him. Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us explain what an order. I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the addict, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas.
That we were addicts and could not manage our own lives. That probably no human power could have relieved our addiction. That God could and would if he were sought. Okay, the twelve, I mean, the twelve traditions, Carmen C. Hi, I'm Carmen, I'm an addict. The twelve traditions. One, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends on CA unity. Two, for our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority.
A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern. The only requirement for CA membership is a desire to stop using cocaine and all other mind-altering substances. Four, each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or CA as a whole. Five, each group has but one primary purpose, to carry its message to the addict who still suffers.
Six, a CA group ought never endorse finance or lend the CA name to any related facility or outside enterprise. Less problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Seven, every CA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. Eight, cocaine anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. Nine, CA as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible for those they serve.
Ten, cocaine anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the CA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Eleven, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, television, and film. Twelve, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Thank you. The tools of recovery, B.O.Y. from Madison. Right here. Damn, I got sober and I can't speak. My name is Bill Y. and I'm definitely an alcoholic and an addict. Tools of recovery, total abstinence.
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We should have lost control of our cocaine consumption, must abstain from all mind-altering substances. Meeting, this is where we meet other recovering addicts. Literature, the big book and the 12 and 12 and other numerous pamphlets should be read to further help the recovering addict. Sponsors, a sponsor is a recovering addict with more sobriety and program experience than yourself who will help you work the steps.
The 12 steps, the 12 steps of cocaine anonymous are vital for a stable and happy recovery. Higher power, we urge new members to explore whatever beliefs they may have in a power greater than themselves. Service, one of the keys to a successful recovery is getting involved. Telephone, the telephone is our lifeline between meetings. One day at a time, we stay clean and sober one day at a time and when necessary one hour or even one minute at first if things get tough.
Prayer and meditation, these are the tools with which we establish and improve our conscious contact with God. Thank you. Okay, next is who's an addict, Tanya A. from Akron. Hi, I'm Tanya, alcoholic addict. Who is a cocaine addict? Okay, wait y'all. Some of us can answer without hesitation. I am. Others aren't so sure. I am. Bunch of addicts. Okay, cocaine anonymous believes that no one can decide for another whether he or she is addicted.
One thing is sure though, every single one of us has denied being an addict for months, for years. We who now freely admitted that we are cocaine addicts thought we could control cocaine when in fact it was controlling us. I only use on weekends or it hardly ever interferes with work or I can quit. It's only psychologically addicting, right? Or I only snort, I don't base or shoot or is this marriage that's messing me up?
Many of us are still perplexed to realize how long we went on, never getting the same high we got at the beginning, yet still insisting and believing. So distorted was our reality that we were getting from cocaine what actually always eluded us. We went to any lengths to get away from being ourselves. The lines got fatter, the grams went faster. The weak stash was all used up today. We found ourselves scraping envelopes and baggies with razor blades.
Scratching the last flakes from the corner of brown bottles, snorting or smoking any white speck from the floor when we ran out. We who prided ourselves on our fine-tuned state of mind, nothing mattered more to us than the straw, the pipe, the needle. Even if it made us feel miserable, we had to have it. Some of us mixed cocaine with alcohol or pills and found temporary relief in the change. But in the end, it only compounded our problem.
We tried quitting by ourselves. Finally, in some time, managed to do so for periods of time. After a month, we imagined we were in control. We thought our systems was all cleaned out and we could get the old high again using half as much. This time, we'd be careful not to go overboard. But we only found ourselves back where we were before and worse. We never left the house without using first. We didn't make love without using.
We didn't talk on the phone without coke. We couldn't fall asleep. Sometimes it seemed we couldn't even breathe without cocaine. We tried changing jobs, apartments, cities, lovers, believing that our lives were being screwed up by circumstances, places or people. Perhaps we saw our cocaine friend die of respiratory arrest and still we went on using. But eventually, we had to face facts. We had to admit that cocaine was a serious problem in our lives and that we were addicts.
Okay, next we have had a promises. Didi from Akron. Didi! Hello, family. I am Didi and I'm cross-addicted. If you are painstaking about this phase of development, you will be amazed before you are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door upon it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale you have gone, we can see
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How Our Experience Can Benefit Others, That Feeling of Uselessness and Self-Pity Will Disappear, We Will Lose Interest in Selfish Things and Gain Interest in Our Fellows, Self-Seeking Will Slip Away, Our Whole Attitude and Outlook upon Life Will Change, Fear of People and Economic Insecurity Will Leave Us, We Will Truly Know How to Handle Situations That Used to Baffle Us, We Will Suddenly Realize that God Is Doing for Us What We Could Not Do for Ourselves, Are These Extremism Promises? They Are Being Fulfilled Among Us, Sometimes Quickly, Sometimes Slowly, But They Will Always Materialize, If You Work for Them.
Okay, at this time, I would like, you know, everyone from the committee to help get this convention here together, to please stand, all the chairpersons, and I would like for everybody to give them a round of applause for putting this together. We had a hard time. We had a lot of hard work and trying times and got on each other's nerves, but we pulled it off and it turned out okay. God was with us all the way.
Okay, at this time, Percy is going to do the sobriety countdown for us. The lady with six days, we have something for you. Keep coming back. Alright, thank you. I love this part. I love the sobriety countdown. I love to see this. Okay, Spencer. No, not you. Okay, so I got the wrong person. This is Mark. Mark D. has something to present, and so I'll give you Mark. Come on, baby. You go, girl. Okay, now what we came here for. You know, I had the honor of meeting Brother Earl last year at the Yuma Doc Convention, and I'll tell you, a year went by and I still was talking about it. You know, he had touched me that much.
You know, his message was that strong, and then I got a little part of it this morning when we did this little thing this morning, and, man, he took the part, the 23rd song and broke it down. I was like, oh, man, I was shaking in my boots, and I was sitting here and I couldn't keep still. It's just the spirit of the way he did it, you know. Well, I'm going to let him tell you the story, and I'll give you Brother Earl.
There was this guy that didn't know the difference between a sociable drinker, a problem drinker, and an addict. So he goes to this council that I know in Akron, Ohio, and this council says, I can show you better than I can tell you. I can show you the difference between a sociable drinker, a problem drinker, and an addict. So the council takes him to this joint that y'all might know something about. They call this place the Bucket of Blood.
Any of y'all know anything about a place like that? All right. All right. This is the kind of place where a fight breaks out every 17 and a half minutes. So he takes my brother in there and he says, now, you just wait a little while. I'm going to show you the difference between a sociable drinker, a problem drinker, and an addict. So sure enough, about 17 minutes pass, and a fight breaks out, and everybody clears out of the joint.
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And while they were gone, the counselor catches three flies. And he takes one fly and puts it in the guy's drink at the bar on the far right-hand side. He takes another fly and puts it in the drink toward the middle, takes the third fly and puts it in the drink right next to him. Then he tells them again, I'm going to show you the difference between a sociable drinker, a problem drinker, and an addict.
A little while later, everything clears up, and everybody files back into the bar. And the guy on the end, he looks at his drink, he sees a fly in the drink, and he takes the drink and just pushes it away. Brother, see, now, that's a sociable drinker. The second guy looks at the fly in his drink, he takes that little stirrer, that little swizzle stick, he takes the fly out of the drink, lays the fly on the bar, and drinks the drink straight down.
See, now, that's a problem drinker. The third guy saw the fly in the drink, he picks up the fly by both wings, turns the fly upside down over the drink, and says, spit it out, goddammit, spit it out! I'm Brother Earl, and I'm an addict. There was this guy, he was trying to describe to this audience the kind of harmful effects that alcohol had on living tissue. So he said, I've got a demonstration that will prove to you the harmful effects that alcohol has on living tissue.
So he had a table pretty much set up like something like this. And over on the far side, like where that picture is, there was a container, and it was a clear liquid, and it was water. And just like this container is sitting here, this was a clear liquid also. But this was 190 proof grain alcohol. And there was a little container in the middle, and this little container was filled with earthworms. And so the guy says, I'm going to show you the harmful effects that alcohol has on living tissue.
So he picks up one of the little earthworms, and he drops it into the container filled with the water. And the little earthworm was having a real good time, taking a bath and doing a backstroke. And nothing happened. He took another earthworm and dropped it in the clear container of the 190 proof grain alcohol. And as the worm slowly sank to the bottom, his skin began to just tear away from his flesh and just dissolve and break up.
And then he asked the audience, now what does this prove? A drunk stood up in the back room and said, if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms. This little old guy, this little old guy, it's getting good to me now. This little old guy, this little old guy was 93 years old. And he was walking down the street with his cane. He was just paddling down the street, and he came upon this Catholic church.
He started walking up a step to the Catholic church. He opened up the door. He walked to that confessional booth, and he sat down. And the priest asked, well, what do you have to confess? And the old man said, I got a 19-year-old girl pregnant. And the priest said, OK, I want you to say 18 Hail Marys. And the old man said, I don't know what a Hail Mary is. Well, take out your rosary. I don't have a rosary.
Well, are you Catholic? The old man said, no, sir, I'm not Catholic. And the priest got beside himself. You're not Catholic? You don't know what a Hail Mary is? You don't have a rosary? Why are you telling me about this pregnant 19-year-old girl? And the old man said, I'm telling everybody. One hundred and three years old, this little old guy, he was sitting on a park bench. And he was just crying. He was just crying, just crying.
And a young man came back and asked, sir, why are you crying? And the old man said, I'm 103 years old. My wife died five years ago. And I met this young, beautiful blonde. She's a wonderful cook, but not only that, she makes love to me three times a week. And the young guy said, well, sir, at your age, that sounds great. That sounds wonderful. Then why are you crying?
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And the old man said, I can't remember where I live. We got a guy, we got a guy in our Alano club in Chicago. This guy, he just reached age 62. Now, when you reach age 62, you qualify for a benefit where you get a check once a month. Does anybody know what that benefit's called? Social Security. Social Security. That's it. Now, that wasn't the problem. At 62, this guy was still strikingly handsome.
He still had his army physique, you know. This guy had this beautiful wavy salt pepper gray hair. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that this guy, he would jack up his pants legs and walk around the club and brag about how good-looking he was. He would say things like, oh, I'm so doggone good-looking, I can't stand myself sometimes. On and on, bragging about how good-looking he was. He was bragging to his wife, well, baby, I'm 62 years old today, and I'm going down to sign up for this Social Security, but those little young girls, those little young clerks down there are not going to believe how old I am because I'm so doggone good-looking.
So he left the house, and he was gone for about two hours, and when he came back, he came back bragging. Oh, I told you they weren't going to believe how old I was. I went down there and left the Social Security office, and that little young girl, that little young clerk, she looked up at me and she said, you can't be 62 years old, you're so fine. So what I did to prove it to her was that I unbuttoned my shirt and showed her the white hair on my chest.
And when she saw the white hair on my chest, now she believed I was 62 years old, and now I can get my Social Security. The wife was quiet. Then she said, uh, you blew it. If you'd opened up your pants, you could have got disability, too. Now, you know, that was not an autobiography. I'm still Brother Earl, and I'm still an addict. And I just want to thank this wonderful committee for inviting me down to be a very, very small part of a tremendous experience.
I cannot tell you the thrill that I have felt just walking in the halls or meeting a brother or sister in a restaurant or sitting in the marathon meeting or playing bid with. All of it was a blessing. And I'll never forget it. This life of mine started 55 years ago on the south side of Chicago. And this was a time when folks in the community, a number of the babies, when they were born, they were born in the apartments.
And I was born in the apartment. And before the birth, the midwives would bring around a, it was a baby book. And in this baby book, there were a list of names to help the mothers try to decide on a name if they couldn't come up with a name on their own for the children. And when my mother went down this list of names, she saw the name Earl. And she saw that Earl, the description, the definition, it meant royalty.
It meant nobility. And my mother, like so many others, so many other mothers, named me hoping that someday I would grow into the stature of this name that represented nobility and royalty. I have since talked to a number of other people and I found that maybe even
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some of you were named after parents or favorite friends or people who had very strong characteristics that were just passed on and they wanted you to represent those very fine characteristics of people who had lived before. So it was just real good to be reminded that I was named for something great, even though for a number of years I disappointed my mother because I never, I didn't fit the description. When I was coming up I was a very, very ashamed kid. I was a kid who always felt real badly about myself. I always felt that, that my skin was too dark, my hair was too nappy, my feet were too big and I was too skinny and too tall. And you know the kids growing up around you, they don't do anything to help you feel any better about yourself. My nickname was Tree Top. They said my feet were too big I had to walk up the steps backwards. That didn't help matters at all. And I was pretty much like this animal, the chameleon. This is an animal that attempts to blend in with its surroundings. If this chameleon stood up against a gray rock it would change the color of the rock. If it were up against a green bush then it would turn the color of the bush. And this was my personality, my people-pleasing personality. You know I attempted to be whatever I needed to be depending on the situation or depending on the crowd. When I grew taller than the people around me, the kids around me, I remember attempting to hunch my shoulders and bend down just to fit in. Not knowing that in this effort I was appearing even more grotesque than being taller represented. And when my grandma would see this, when she would see me hunched trying to fit in, she would take her hands and straighten up my shoulders and say brother you should be proud. You know you're good looking, you should be proud to be tall. And I'm being reminded right now that through a lot of stories that I hear, the feelings that I had about myself didn't have very much to do with other people's feelings about me. You see I was voted best personality in high school. I dressed very nicely in high school. I wore bow ties that I learned to tie myself, flannel pants and blazers and cashmere sweaters. I was the kind of a kid where if I didn't have two jobs it was like not working at all for me. I was that kid who you saw carrying groceries in a wagon from the Jewel, back then it was called the A&P of the Kroger stores. I was that kid who delivered your papers six and seven o'clock in the morning. You know I was that guy who worked a full-time job and sold stainless steel cookware on the weekends. I was that guy who worked a full-time job and was not too proud to take my wife's Avon book to work with me, you know to sell from that little book. This was the kind of guy I was. I need to tell you about that because eventually all that changed. I need to say that during these teen years when I was feeling real badly about myself and when I was working real hard, one of the jobs I had was in a liquor store. And in this liquor store it was my job to kind of clean up around the place and make deliveries throughout the neighborhood. And I remember that one day while I was cleaning up around the store, a liquor company made a delivery of a new kind of an alcohol. And I decided to try this out. It was called Orange Tommy. I know today that it was like the forerunner of the wine coolers that we had because it was part orange juice and part wine. And it had on the little cart and served ice cold.
So I took one of these little six-pack and took it to the back of this store. We had a tremendous freezer back there that we got beer cold and then we brought it up the front to the front coolers to sell it. And I lifted this top loader and I set this little six-pack down and then I started working around the store for a couple hours waiting for the six-pack to get ready. And after a couple hours when I thought it was ready, I went back and I opened up this cooler. I picked up this little frosty bottle. It was so frosty you could, it left your hand print. Anybody know what I'm talking about, that kind of thing? There
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was a bottle opener on a nail, on a string. I took this bottle opener and lifted that top. Y'all know the sound? Y'all remember the sound that it makes? That's it. That's it. And there's a special way that brothers drink wine in the neighborhood. We put our feet about 12 inches apart. We rocked back and forth to get that balance. Then we held our head so that sucker wouldn't fall off. And then we chuckled. And as this sweet honey of a nectar trickled down my throat and settled nice and warm in my stomach, I felt my whole body being transformed. I felt my feet shrinking. I felt muscles rippling through my body. I drew a mustache. I felt waves falling in my head. I was doing stuff like that. But more than anything, by the time that I set this empty bottle down, my voice had dropped.
Twelve romantic, debonair, suave octaves. And by this time, a telephone was ringing in the front of the store on the side of the wall. And I floated out to answer this telephone. And when I picked it up, it was a young lady. And she tried to tell me that she had the wrong number. This wine told her, you do not have the wrong number. Evidently, you have done something so good in life that the gods have decided to bless you with my presence.
And I made a date with this sister that I had never seen. We agreed to meet that weekend at a joint in Chicago called the Squeeze Inn. It looked just like it sounded. This place was worse than a bucket of blood. You all know where the bouncer is, right? I walked up to this door. And this brother was so big. This bouncer was so big. It looked like somebody had taken three brothers and just jammed them together and just stuck them on the outside of the door. And when I walked up to him, he asked me, he said, you got a knife? I said, no sir, I don't have a knife. He reached into a cigar box and pulled out a knife. And he said, well, you better take this one if you're going in. Everybody in there had a scar on their neck. You know, I really felt like I should have cut myself before I went in there.
And it was really strange. It was a strange. Women were dancing with women. You know, women were holding each other's hands. And I turned to the guy I was dancing with and said, what the hell kind of place is this? Well, anyway, let me back up. Let me back up. I have to tell you. I got to tell you something about the Aging Mentality. Now, before I went on this date, you all know how you have to get ready to go on a date. Now here, I had just had this magic elixir that I had been looking for all my life. This magic potion that had completely transformed me from head to toe. But I had surmised that if a seven-ounce bottle of wine can make me feel this good, what would a pint of Smirnoff do? Nothing would ever be enough. I don't care how good it was. You know, that was my original sickness. Regardless of how good life was, it would never be enough for me. I would always want more. So I got
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this pint of Smirnoff. And needless to say, you all know that I never felt that high again. And you all know that all the drugs that I tried in order to reach it, to try to get that moment back, when I was completely transformed from head to toe. And it never happened. I need to say that I used drugs for quite some time. And for a very brief period, I was quote-unquote successful. By that, I mean I was able to ask a young lady for a date. I was able to ask a young lady to dance. I was even able to learn to dance under the influence. However, when it began to turn on me, I'm remembering times when I would try just to get high enough to give me the nerve to go ask a young lady for a date. And I would, I would drug past the experience. You all know what I'm talking about? After a while, I'm talking about her.
You know, ain't no need of me asking her. You know, who the hell does she think she is? I'm having a whole conversation with myself about what I'm going to say and then what she going to say. And who the hell does she think she is? Going to refuse me. And I ain't made a move. I ain't moved out my chair. I need to say that my addiction wasn't necessarily marked by the amount of alcohol and drugs that I used. My addiction was clearly marked by the degree of insanity that I was experiencing. You see, as a kid, I was raised to say, yes ma'am, no ma'am, thank you and please. And when I passed in front of an adult, any adult, I would say, excuse me. I respected every adult that I met. But by the time that you see me, when I'm in the throes of my addiction, every woman is a B, every man is an MF, everything is an American thing. Where I was once real proud to have worked as many jobs as it took for me to get whatever it was that I needed, by the time that you see me now, I am completely and totally unemployable. And it doesn't have anything to do with getting high on the job. I'm talking about an attitude. You see, I had developed a kind of attitude where I felt that if I came on your job, I was doing you a favor. One job that I had, I was working PMs at Cook County Mental Health Clinic as a psych tech. And I was just sitting at home.
I hadn't even planned to go to work. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't sick. I was just sitting at home. And my supervisor called me. She asked, Mr. C., are you coming to work tonight? And I told her, I don't know. Who will I be working with? After a while, these people with these jobs get tired of you doing them a favor. And I wound up out in the street with other people who thought they were doing people a favor by going to work. And you all know that these are the people who don't have the real names. Y'all know about killing all those people? My nickname was, my street name was Count. That sounds like royalty too, doesn't it? But they nicknamed me after a vampire. To give you an idea about my personality.
I had completely changed. No longer was I wearing the cashmere sweaters and the bow ties. My uniform of the day was a fatigue jacket, jump boots, and a pistol in each pocket. Looking for the revolution. Not knowing that the revolution was taking place inside me. I was going around and I was parroting the words of H. Wright Brown and Stokely Carmichael and early Malcolm. And preaching hate. Because I hated myself. I know today that a lot of the escapades that I was involved in was nothing less than a suicide attempt. You see, I had this feeling, I just had this feeling that, that something real bad was going to happen to me. But I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to go out of the game an addict. You know, perhaps if anything happened, perhaps I could go out in the name of civil rights.
Just don't let me die an addict. Don't let me die foolishly. And when nothing would happen to me, regardless as to the kind
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of creeps and the kind of involvements that I had with my militancy, it got real, real tiresome, and it got real, real scary. In this program, in this program, we are real blessed to be able to talk about times when we have bad moments. I'm being reminded that when I was in the throes of my addiction, I had bad years. One of my favorite times of year was around Christmastime. Even as a kid, I knew there was something special.
I wasn't looking forward to the playthings and the toys. You know, even then, I knew that this was a very, very special commemorative period for the birth of baby Jesus. And even when I was going through my addiction, I felt this was a special time. And when each day began to get blacker than the next, I would wait for Christmas Eve and somehow muster up enough money to get high, and also enough money to buy a real treat, because as a kid we always had a real treat. We always had that special fragrance of pine that drifted throughout the apartment. And it would be, it would be like 3, 34 o'clock in the morning when I would sit there in the living room with that tree, and I would just wait. I would just wait for that time when I felt special again. I would just wait for that time when I felt that I was moving with all the good forces of the earth again. I was just waiting for this very, very special time when I felt like I could be a blessing once more. And it didn't happen. It didn't come. And when it didn't come this particular Christmas Eve, I said to myself, well, and believe me, when it didn't happen the next year, I said, well, maybe next year. I'm being reminded about how painful those years were, and how each day was getting blacker than the next, and how each, there were many, many nights that I prayed to die in my sleep. I don't talk about that much. I'm remembering when life became so intolerable that I reached a point where I just absolutely knew without a shadow of a doubt that this whole world would be better off without me, especially my wife and my children. That I was nothing but a pain to everyone that I met. And so when I decided to get out of the game, I remember sitting in my apartment. I took one of those old 38s, and I put it to my head, and I cocked it. And before I pulled the trigger, I had one thought. I had two small children, about seven and four, who were asleep. And a lousy father as I was, one thing that I knew that they did not deserve, and that was to be awakened by a gunshot and see the dad's brain splattered all over the walls. And when I got this picture, this proud black Leo man with his gun in his hand about to blow his brains out, when I got this picture solidly in my mind, I just sent up a prayer. It wasn't a long prayer.
I just said, God, please help. And when I said this, no big thing happened. There were no parting skies. There were no booming voices. It just seemed as if I was able to stand up straight. It just seemed as if a tremendous burden had just fallen away from my shoulders. Somehow, there was a kind of knowing, a kind of knowing that I would never have to suffer like I'd been suffering before. When I said that prayer, I remember certain phrases that my grandma used to make when she would sit in the kitchen and listen to church on the radio and rock back and forth, and she would say things like, yes, Dr. Jesus. Her phrases were, if you take one step, God will make two. Her phrases were, his eyes on the sparrow. Her phrases were, there's not a spot where God is not. And it was almost as if that little small, imperceptible voice had said to me after I prayed, my son, my son, what took you so long?
At that moment, I knew that the following morning I was going to call this self-help group. And I knew that this was divine intervention because I didn't believe that my problem was addiction. I really didn't. Because I blamed all you people. I blamed being married too young. I blamed the power structure. You know everybody that I blamed. I blamed everybody but me. And this wonderful human being came out and talked to me, and he told me about himself. But better than that, he took me to a meeting where I saw people like you. And I walked into this room.
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I was still very, very angry and very, very bitter. But I saw something that I didn't understand. I saw nothing but smiling, happy faces and clean faces. And I looked all over the room. I was wondering where the militants sat. There was no militant section in this room. And you told me your stories. And you told me that if I wanted to continue to use, then that was my business. And that if I wanted to stop, that was their business.
That I never had to take another drink or drug if I didn't want to. And I didn't know that. Then they taught me something else that brought me back to my roots. Because at the end, at the end of that meeting, they said something that reminded me of my grandmama. They said, our father. I know today that our father is the first three steps. When I say our father, I'm admitting that there's something bigger than me. If there's something bigger than me, I sure can rely on him. I think I'm just going to let him. Who art in heaven? I used to think that heaven was some place that was so far away that we used to have to pay folks to pray for us. But I remember when I prayed in my apartment, I said, God, please help. I saw that God and heaven was close to me in a breath. I found out now that heaven is any place where there is peace. Heaven can be in a handshake. Heaven can be in a hug. Heaven can be in a little hug ball that we've been giving away all weekend. That's where heaven is. Hallowed be thy name. Hallowed means honor thy name. Honor the name that made it all possible. That's why I'm Earl C. That's why there's only a Michael W.
Because my name isn't important. I have to remember times that I prayed to die. So if I prayed to die, then whose responsibility is it that I'm still here today? It ain't mine. Honor thy name. Thank you, Father. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy kingdom come. When I think of God's kingdom coming, when I think of God's kingdom on earth, it's a room just like this with black folks and white folks, young folks and mature folks, all about the same business of being in recovery. I don't have to die to achieve it. God's kingdom is here right now with you. Thy will be done. Thy will, Father. Please, thy will, not my will.
You see, when I was praying for my will to be done, I was praying for a Brinks truck to break down in front of my house, not knowing that money would have killed me. And I always thought my problem was just not having enough money. And my loving God said, no, no, no, no, no, fool. You can't stand money. I can't give you any. I'm going to bless you with an affliction. I'm going to bless you with the kind of affliction where you can't even get well unless you help somebody.
The kind of disease where you have to give something good away in order to keep it. I'm going to bless you with the kind of illness where you're going to have to rely on another human being for your recovery. I'm going to give you the kind of affliction where you're going to have to find your high power, somebody that's bigger than you, and you thought you were tough. I'm just going to bless you, fool.
And I found out very, very simply that with my puny thinking, God's will for me was so much better than anything that I could possibly will for myself. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Give us this day our daily strength. Does that sound like a one-day-at-a-time program? Sounds like it to me. But you see, I was always the kind of guy who worried about yesterday and tomorrow and not doing anything about today. And you all gave me that prayer, this one-day-at-a-time program. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. That's a law. What that means is if I don't do any forgiving, then I'm not going to get any. What this means is that I'm going to have to take a fourth and fifth step to find out what it is that I need to be forgiven for. You see, the fourth and fifth step are so designed that when I take a real hard, close look at me, then it is designed to keep me out of your business because
[00:55:00]
I got a lot of work to do. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, people, places, and things. And when I pray not to be led into temptation, God's not going to send me to the dope house to pay my bill. God's not going to send me there to keep my credit straight because he know damn well I didn't pay Sears and deliver us from evil. You all remind me that evil starts right here, but so does good.
You see, we are so divinely made, we are so divinely made that we were created just a little less than the angels. You see, we were given the kind of imagination that anything that we can see here, we can manifest it out here. This microphone was not a microphone until it was in somebody's mind first. This suit was not a suit until it was in somebody's mind first. He gave us the power of creation and we can create it good or bad. I'm being reminded that if I think of evil long enough, then I'm going to create evil out here. And you all have reminded me that I had the kind of mind where I might not be able to monitor everything that comes into my mind, but you sure have reminded me that I do have the power over how long I keep at that. And you all have taught me to be able to discern when the drug or when the addiction is doing the thinking.
And I'm so grateful for that and deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, that's where we're all headed. And that's who we give. You know who we give all the power and you know who we give all the glory. That's the part that I like. You see, everything that's wrong with me, including my addiction, I couldn't do a doggone thing about. You all told me that God could and would if he was soft. So why should I have to worry about trying to change anything? I'm being reminded, I'm being reminded that a number of things that we are doing today, somebody much, much greater than us who lived thousands of years ago said that we would do it. I'm going to talk about a man.
Jesus C. This is a man who is said to have produced miracles. Does that sound accurate? This man called Jesus is a man who is said to have fed the multitudes with a single fish and a loaf of bread. Does that sound accurate? Is there anybody in this room who just over this weekend, as a result of your sharing, you have been able to feed a number of people spiritually just from your words? Well, this man called Jesus is a man who who is said to have made the blind see. Does that sound accurate?
Is there anybody in this room who, as a result of your sponsorship, as a result of your sharing, you were able to help another addict see himself a little more clearly to lift the skin from his eyes? This man called Jesus is a man who is said to have made the lame walk. Does that sound accurate? Is there anybody in this room who, as a result of your sharing, just even just this past weekend, never mind yesterday or the day before, but as a result of your sharing, you were able to see the hope in somebody's eyes where they were able to stand up and walk a little bit straighter, walk a little bit stronger, say, well, maybe I can do that too.
The greatest miracle that I ever heard of was when this man called Jesus even defied death and it was called a resurrection. Anybody remember that? Is there anybody in this room who feels like you've got a second life? Is there anybody in this room who feels like you've been born again? Then thine is the power and the glory. And what that means, maybe that's the 12th step that we have to tell somebody. You see, every now and then, even if it's the way we walk, you know, sometimes we have to just hold our head up if we don't open our mouth.
Sometimes we have to say to another human being, which is the way we carry ourselves,
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look what God has done. So why don't we all stand up right now? If you ain't ashamed, stand up right now. Turn to the person on your right and then to the person on your left and just explain, look what God has done. Look what God has done. Look what God has done. Look what God has done. God bless you. Oh man. Give Brother Earl a hand here. Thank you. Yeah! Brother Earl! Oh man, that was good, wasn't it? Isn't it wonderful to be sober today? Yes it is.
You know I want to thank you Brother Earl for sharing your strength and hope with us. You know I feel real good today, y'all. This has been a wonderful weekend. You know I really had enjoyed myself. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Okay? I'm a little messed up. But I'm going to turn the floor over to Spencer from Columbus right now. Alright. I'm Spencer and I'm an addict. I'm not going to say anything other than the fact that…
Can you hear me? Alright. On behalf of the Convention Committee and the Ohio area of Cocaine Anonymous I want to thank Brother Earl for an outstanding message and I hope that you got from his message that I got a message of hope that doesn't make a difference how far down the scale we go that there is hope.