Audio
Transcript
Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 794 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: darren-h-ca-central-district-convention-hertfordshire-2010.mp3 Duration: 00:53:37
============================================================
Drinking water just don't seem to be quenching me first. I think I need something a bit stronger. My name's Darren, I'm an addict. Right, before we move any further, I want to say that I'm not an expert on recovery, I'm not speaking on behalf of Cocaine Anonymous, and I'm certainly not a fountain of knowledge or wisdom or anything like it. I think one of the most, if not the most, valuable piece of information I could ever give anybody who's new in this fellowship is this.
The granddaddy of all recovery programs is in the book. I never knew that, and I think that's very important information. Now there's a piece in the book, I do believe it's in We Agnostics, and it says, if, when, if, hold on, I'm going to have to read it. Right, it says, in the preceding chapters you've learned something of alcoholism. We've made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. And then it says, if when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking and using you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably an alcoholic. And then it says, if that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only your spiritual experience will conquer. Right, now, I've drunk and used for 20 plus years, and tried a couple of different interventions along the way, and none of them worked. Right, for me, the intervention had to be divine. Yeah, and that divine reality happened to be God. Right, and I'll give thanks to that power from my sobriety, because to me, sobriety equals life. Right, without it, everything else is lost. Without it, everything ceases to matter one more time, because that's always been my experience. Right, and the hand of Almighty God expelled the life of my mind at this time, it's going to be different. Right, I was exposed to the truth on my arrival here, and the truth is what sets us free, is it not? And I love Cocaine Anonymous. To me, it is the way, the truth, and the life. Now, there's a piece in the book, it's in a doctor's opinion, right, and it says, there are types normal in every respect, except in the effect the alcohol and the drugs has upon them.
They are often able, intelligent, friendly people. Right, well, I'm not one of them. Now, I don't know too much, but what I do know is this. Right, I was emotionally retarded before I ever put a substance into my body, and I'll explain what I mean by that. I grew up in a home environment that wasn't very nice, and that's why I used. Or so I was led to believe for many years. But it was kind of like this, I'm naturally restless, irritable, and discontent, naturally.
Not I think I might be, I am that. As far back as I can remember, I was very, very, like, overwhelmed, with a real uncomfortable feeling of self-consciousness, from day dot. And my perception of my mind was twisted. My dad, who's now dead, he was a drug addict and alcoholic, he ruled the roost, right, and what he said went, and you never ever questioned that. When he clicked his fingers and said jump, you didn't hang around and ask how high, you just started jumping, and you did not dare stop until he said so. Right, and that's the way it was. Alongside that, I just didn't, I just couldn't hear properly. Like, you could say something to me, very simple, like, um, they're a nice pair of trainers you got on Sunday, no. But my mindset that you meant, the last ones, was hanging off your feet, you needed a notepad. That's not what he said. So, as a result of what was going on indoors, I just felt destroyed, with, just devastated, with like a soul-sickening fear, that I just couldn't seem to shake on my own resources, and I carried that with me wherever I went. Um, and I never kind of walked out into the flats and thought, you're riddled with self-consciousness, you're naturally restless, irritable, and discontent, uh, you're afflicted with more than one form of fear, you better go on yours. Uh, I was never awake to any of that, this is just looking back in hindsight.
Um, so as you can imagine, being in that state, when alcohol and drugs went into my body, I felt better. The alcohol and drugs give me power, right, and allowed me to feel comfortable being me, and as a result of that, I felt alright around you. Um, and I, and I drunk and used for 22 years, just
[00:05:00]
storming through life, just doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, never ever stopping to spare a thought for you, only ever stopping to spare a thought for you, if there was something in it for me. It's called selfishness. Book says, that's the root of the trouble. Uh, and you might hear me say book says, and quote stuff out of book, and I'm certainly not going to apologise for that, because the program of action is in the book. Um, so the first substances I ever used was, was glue and lighter fuel and stuff like that. Um, and even with that, I'm one of these, it's like, let's break down the craving and find out what you crave. I just need anything, you give me glue, I need more. Lighter fuel, I need more. Alcohol, heroin, cocaine, prescription drugs, anything, I need more.
The only thing I don't need more of is amphetamine, I absolutely hate it. Right, and it's the only, it's the only drug that I ever sold and earned money out of, because it's the only thing I absolutely hated. But, uh, so from a young kid, I used lighter fuel and it ended up, for the last 10-12 years, heavy-hitting narcotics mixed together, used intravenously, cracking heroin, like the other lady touched on, I was a speedball junkie.
Um, and I'll just do anything I can to get another one, and do anything I've got to do to make that possible. Uh, and then, and in the middle of that, for about 10 years, it was okay. Uh, it was nice, and sometimes it didn't look fantastic. Um, and I've done the cocaine thing and stuff like that, uh, and it was a little bit like this, like, you know, looking back on it, um, I kind of would walk up to the Abbey Tavern or the Nags Head or something like that, like, on a Friday night, with, uh, nice, you know, nice clothes on me back, nice trainers on me feet, uh, plenty of cocaine in my pocket, a big wad of money, none of it was mine. Um, and I kind of walk into the pub, like, acting like something I'm not, because as well as this disease, I suffer from a thing called IGS, and that stands for imaginary gangster syndrome. I think I'm something I'm not, mate.
Right? So I'll be at the bar, going, yeah, all right, darling, yeah, get her a gin and tonic, will you? Yeah. What's happening, son? Get him a vodka, right? Yeah, and all that, right, with money that weren't mine. Uh, get, with cocaine, right, giving lines of it out to females, and then wake up in the morning and think, oh no, I owe her about 500 pounds, how am I going to pay it back? You know what I mean? I was one of them. Right? And I'd, uh, and even with the cocaine thing, it was kind of like, I'd sniff it absolutely savagely, right, and I didn't even like it.
I didn't even like it. I only came to like cocaine later on, when I found out you could mix it with heroin and use it intravenously. I fucking loved it then. But I'll kind of be in the pub, just trying to hold me jaw together, so it ain't swinging like a camel in front of you, because I just don't want to look like a mug, because I just suffer with devastating levels of pride. Uh, so I'll just sniff cocaine savagely, just get absolutely drunk as a lord, right, then go to up meds on the corner to get a kebab and probably get beat up, and then wake up in Holmes Road police station and say, why am I here?
You know, and that's when it was good. Yeah, and then it weren't so good, and then it was fucking pitiful. You know, and with the use, with the drug thing and all that, I can kind of survive in that world, and I can do what I need to do to get what I need to get. But what I can't do is sobriety. If you take the alcohol and the drugs off of me, right, you might as well strip me bare, right, and I'll get a real uncomfortable feeling, it's called fear, that you can see that, right, and I'll do absolutely anything I can to cover that up. And, uh, so this is what used to happen. My life would be falling apart externally, stuff like I might have a warrant out for my arrest, or I'm a little bit in debt, or her indoors has got the yump and said don't come back, you know what I mean, and stuff like that. And, uh, it'd be getting a bit messy, and I'm one of these as well, like, I kind of just, as messy as it gets, I just do not stop. You've got to stop me. I need to be separated from the substance in order for me to stop. Um, so this is what used to happen. I sometimes, once or twice, I got arrested. It's not a requirement, by the way, you know,
[00:10:05]
but I'll get arrested, and, uh, and then I'll say help me, please help me, and they'd help, and I'd end up in, uh, nut houses for vulnerable adults with drug and alcohol problems. They call them treatment centres. So this is what happens to me. I'll go in there. I sit in a group therapy environment, and I'm just really, really uncomfortable. So, and it's stuff like, uh, we're going to do a feelings check this morning.
Now, where I lived, you never discussed how you felt, yet you just got on with life, done what you was doing. If you fell over, you got up, dusted yourself down, and then just moved up the street, and that's the way it was. And then I go into these environments, and they want me to discuss how I think I feel, and I just do not know. Right, and the only introduction I ever had to recovery was to talk about how you think you feel, and I thought that's how you recovered, right, and I thought, right, this is what you do. You, you shovel it all out, yeah, all this stuff inside, right, you put it all on the table, they pick through it all, pick out an issue, and go, that's it, that's why you done it, and then you don't do it no more, and it was a fucking lie, right, so it go round the group, how do you feel, how do you feel, how do you feel, how do you feel, I don't know, it's coming round, it's getting to near me, I just feel anxious, I feel a little bit fucking tense here, I'm destroyed with fear, because I know it's coming, it's a simple question, how do you feel, I feel like the world's ending, so I'm not in touch with how I feel, so I'll say something like, I'm optimistic and grateful, it was a lie, I didn't know if I was gas or electric, that's the truth, so, if I went back in there now, I'd say, listen, how do I feel, I struggle in every personal relationship I'm in, I suffer with deep-seated feelings of uselessness, I'm afflicted with basement level self-esteem, I'm destroyed with alcoholic fear, sober, and I don't know why, can you help me please, they probably look at me and go, get the fucking psychiatrist for this one please, I don't know if they know, I don't know, it's another story, so, I'll give them this, they're good places to get physically separated from the narcotics and the alcohol, you get a good detox under your belt, you start eating well, start sleeping well, and they say, go to meetings, so, I go to meetings, and I went to a lot of meetings on more than one occasion and I never ever managed to stay here, because this is what used to happen to me, I walk into the meeting, I've never heard of Cocaine Anonymous, I'm going back some time, it was like Cockney Anonymous, yeah, in Camden Town, all right, so, I walk in there, I've been on the sunbed, a bit of gel in my ear, no clobber on, sitting in the meeting, really worried about how I look, and it'd kind of be like, a little bit unhealthy, they say that, and it was kind of like this, someone would talk, and it would be very much based around what substances they used, the lengths they went to, to get it, how they now thought they felt, you know, the issues they used on, do you know what I mean, and stuff like that, and I'll be just looking at them, and my mind's screaming with alcoholic madness, and I'm just lost, and I just think, what the fuck is going on here, I don't feel too good. Because this is what happens to me. At first I'm kind of happy to be clean.
[00:15:07]
I'll get some relief but what I've since come to find out since doing what some of us do here, it isn't about relief, it's about release. I never knew that. It's about being set free. So I'll be in there clean but just cocooned and incarcerated in the bondage of myself. And with each passing day the depression gets thicker. Yeah? The resentment is absolutely tearing me up from the inside out. I can't shake it on my own resources. I feel really, really hard done by it. I think the world owes me a fucking living. Right? And it's your fault how I feel. Right? Or I'll go to the other extreme. If you had stuff going on I'd think it was my fault how you felt. Absolutely nuts. A lot of the girls in there are just crying.
Right? Everyone's neck deep in issues, including myself, but I'll just never tell you that. And I'll just be doing my 90 in 90. And I'll just get worse and worse and worse with each passing day. And the voices in my mind, the old voices, we've all got them, get louder and louder and louder. And I just can't shut them off. So I need heroin and alcohol and cocaine and Valium to do that. So my mind says to me, go down to Camden Town, see if Biggie G's outside the station, get yourself just a little bit of crank and a couple of bags of gear. By the way, pop in and get yourself a cup of soup, it's going on the way. Just to get in the mood. So I walked down to Camden Town. Now, you see, get in touch with this, right? The last time I'd done it I was 11 months dry. I was going to say sober, dry. So I didn't actually have a drug problem, did I?
I wasn't addicted to drugs. I hadn't had a drug or a drink for 11 months. So on the way down there, I've got about 20 plus years experience, right? To tell me, actually, son, this ain't a good idea, right? And the likelihood is this is going to happen. You're going to spend every penny you've accumulated in this 11 months. Then you're going to sell everything materially you've accumulated in this 11 months.
Then you're going to borrow what you can off whoever's mad enough to give you it, because I never give it back, right? Then you're going to go out thieving, and there's a very good chance that you might get arrested and put in Pentonville prison. But I just do it anyway. Because the needed power for me to not do that just ain't there. So I go to Biggie G. I get what I get. I've got it in my hand. All of a sudden, I feel better.
I ain't even took it yet. So I've got it. I'll get on the bus, because I've never had a driving license. So I'm on the bus, and the voice is in the mind, yeah? There's a little bit of sanity there's a little bit of sanity saying to me, you could throw it out the window. You ain't took it yet. Yeah, and then the other ones are saying, just go and have it. It's going to make you feel better, right? So I decided I'll go and have it.
Now the thing is, I weren't involved in that decision. I just thought I was. Right, because I've been told that the real drug addicts and the real alcoholics have no choice. I just do it anyway. Not when I'm using, I'm just powerless. We know that, don't we? I'm talking about stone cold, sober, well dry, 11 months away from a drink or a drug, knowing the likelihood is
[00:20:06]
then, the likelihood is this is going to get messy and you're going to be behind bars. Powerlessness in action. So I put it in me, and it done this. The book calls it ease and comfort. That's what the book calls it, right? Now, you see, I love, I absolutely love the effect produced by alcohol and drugs. That's why I use them. I was just led to believe it was where I came from. And it was my dad's fault. It was all a lie.
So the book calls it ease and comfort. It shuts down the voices in my mind. Yeah, and allows me to be comfortable being me. And if I'm comfortable with me, you're okay. If I ain't comfortable with me, you're in trouble. You're getting it. So I do that. And then I can't stop. Because when I put one in me, I break out in a craving beyond my mind's control. And I can't make up my mind to just not have another one. You know, I ain't one of the ones that book talks about giving a sufficient reason, some of us can stop. Yeah, like I max out my credit card. My wife threatens to leave. I come here and I'll stay.
Look, no one in their right mind would have married me. Right? And the nearest I ever had to have any credit card was yours. That's the truth for me. So I use and then that's it is game over. Right? And I run around the streets for about another three years doing absolutely anything I had to do to get out of my nut every single day until I came here. Right? There was nothing of any substance in my life.
Yeah, there was nothing that was healthy. Everything was insane and toxic. Yeah, my whole life was just poisonous. Yeah. From the inside out. And I was absolutely lost. Right? And it was absolutely soul destroying. I ain't even gonna go into the details. And in the end for me, right, it was pitiful. Yeah, the days of Gucci loafers and lock knives in my pocket and bags of cocaine. Yeah, and money and all that was long gone. Yeah, and I mean that it was running about, right, doing anything I had to do to get out of my anything I had to do to go and get 30 or 40 pound, right, to just get some cans of Super Skull, a few bags of heroin and a couple of rocks if I was lucky, right to just get through the day.
Right? And my life just consisted of that there was nothing else in it. Right? My family have always been there. But there was nothing they could do. Because no human power can relieve us of the addiction. So in the end, I kind of I was didn't even have anywhere to live. Right? I was staying at a geezer's house. I used to knock at his gaff at night. He was called 20P Joe. He was like a professional beggar, this geezer. Right? And I was saying his name, I just thought of it like we was outside an event recently in Camden.
Myself, Jimmy was there, my brother, Glenn, and he come walking past this kid, he's still at it. And I mean, his legs was double the size of what they're meant to be. Yeah, he had a hole bigger than my eye in his leg with all poison coming out of it. Right? He looked like he hadn't eaten for a long time. And he just looked like a dead man walking. And he asked us for a bit of change. And I'll give him it. I said, I'll go and get you a bit of gear. But I used to knock at his gaff at night, Joe. Because I just didn't have anywhere to live myself. But I'll just never let anyone know that because of my pride. And I'd knock and I'd have a couple of rocks in my hand and a couple of muggy little like 10 pound bags of gear, if that. And so I'd knock
[00:25:00]
and he'd let me in, right? Even if he had his own, he'd let me in anyway, because I had what he wanted. And he's selfish, the same as me. So we go in there, talk absolute rubbish to each other all night. Yeah, just lie to each other. Right? Yeah, I'm a petty shoplifter and I'll be sitting there talking about burglaries I'd done years ago. Yeah, do you remember that? Yeah, that kind of talk. Yeah, it was just an illusion of my mind. I was just lost. And so we'd have a bit of gear and have a bit of crack and have a couple of cans of soup with tenants and I'd pounce a couple of zoppy clones off him, they're called sleeping tablets. And then if I slept, I'd just wake up in the morning. This is the truth. Absolutely destroyed with your capital D, with anxiety, depression and fear. Right? And my mind and my body aching, screaming from the pain of my own reality. And I just need a bit of gear. And I need something to drink. And I need it now. Right?
Now, I thought I was using to escape my reality, but I wasn't. Right? Because I've since found that I was using to try and overcome a craving that was beyond my mind's control. And I never was awake to that fact. So I left his ass one morning and went up the Hampstead, Hampstead High Street. It's like a posh part of North London. Run into Gap and just done a kamikaze. Quick! Because you get free shirts. They just look at me like I can't just let him go.
Like I've just done an armed robbery. And what had happened was before I went to Gap, I went into a bookshop and stole a couple of Guinness Book of Records. All right? Yeah, Trisha in the pub would have that 2-in-1, 2-in-1, 2-in-1. Everything was just drug tokens. It weren't even money. All right? 2-in-1, 2-in-1, 3 cans of Super Scotch. That's it. There's nothing else in the game. So, and what had happened was the woman had seen me take them in the first shop. And I don't know. I mean, I would imagine I didn't look too healthy.
Uh, a little bit frightening. Uh, so she just didn't approach me. But what she did though, was call the police. Fucking bitch. So, she called the police. And then by the time I'd done a kamikaze in Gap and come back down, they was coming out of the shop. They went, come here, you're nicked. Oh no. And then I'll spend all day in the police station with my mind saying to me, if you just fucking would have went across Hampstead Heath, you would have been sweetened up. Because normally I'd just scurry across the park like a little rat. Yeah, to just get off the street. And, uh, but I didn't because I was just cocooned in like 2-in-1. Yeah. And I got that and did it. And then I just got grabbed. Uh, that's how, uh, and then I ended up in the police station. Uh, and again, this is what happened. If you put me in the police station, get me the doctor now. There's nothing else in the game. Just get the doctor here, quickly. Because I just need some D.E.P.s and as many Valium as I can get. Thank you very much. My whole life just consists of getting the doctor out here. And, uh, so the doctor would come, an Irish doctor in Kentish town police station. Hello Mr H., is it you again? Give me the fucking tablets, you know what I mean and all that. And, uh, the policemen look through the hatch, I don't know if any of you ever been in this cell, but it's a little thing and they open it up and look in. And they used to say things like, alright son? Do you want help now? My response would normally be, bug off!
Close the door, shut the flat, you know what I mean and all that. But this time, my mouth opened up and I went, yes, I want help. And that weren't my doing, because I just do not ask for help. Because I think I'm the man with the blueprint and the master plan. Yeah, I've got the key to this thing, I'll crack it, I'll know what I'm doing. Right, and it nearly killed me, because it was a liar. So I went from there and got put in prison, and this is what happened, I walked into that prison cell, and I've been in a couple before, it's irrelevant how many, and I was 32 years old at the time, and this is what happened, I kind of could see, clearly, my life, for what it had become,
[00:30:21]
now this illness, the book calls it an illness on page 18, a bit of knowledge for you all there, hadn't stripped me of houses, money, cars, businesses, or anything like that, because it had never allowed me personally to gain that, but it robbed me of all that was good in my life, of all that could have been good, it was gone, and I knew it, and that's when my hand was up in the air, yeah, it's called surrender, now I'm not a man, as you've probably already heard, the ones that have got the power to listen, that surrenders easily, I had to be beaten into a state of reasonableness, beaten into a state of surrender, before I was receptive to listening to any of you, so I went from that prison cell, to another nut house for vulnerable adults, knowing that I needed a prescription for a miracle, and I found that in the form of Cocaine Anonymous, and thank God for the foot soldiers and the gunslingers in here, the ones with the books doing the work, because where would I be had it not been for them, so I went to this nut house, now you've just heard what I said, but I'm in there with a mind that's now saying, actually you're right, with a new pair of Reebok Classic on, a bit like these ones, not that much has changed, with a mind that's saying, actually you're sweet, it wasn't that bad actually son, sitting in a group therapy environment, next to this woman who I thought I loved, anyway I'm sitting next to her, thinking about our plans for the future, and Cocaine Anonymous come in, I think it was every second, two Thursdays a month, so he used to come in at the age of nine, and he'd have a bag with books in it, so she's got some, she's got a drink problem this female, so he said to her, hey my love, do you want a book, and she already had the book, but even though she had one, she took it anyway, because she's like us, and one's never enough, so now she's got two books, so she looked at me and said, do you want one of my books?
I looked at her with real love in my eyes, probably scared her looking back on it, I said yeah, so anyway, now I've got the book, so I read the doctor's opinion in this book, and it explained some stuff to me that could never otherwise be accounted for, it explained to me stuff like, right, you've got to go to Highbury Magistrates Court this morning, if you don't go, there's going to be a warrant out for your arrest, and you're going to get put in prison, so I know that don't I, but my mind says, well just go and score first, and then go thereafter, and then I don't get there, the important appointment just couldn't be met, because when I put one in me, that's it, all bets are off, so I've got one man here, a lunatic, it's called a sponsor, because if you know, they're mad as well, anyway, we've done the work out of the book, and we've done it quick, because the steps, if only you've got a book and you look at it, are designed to be worked fast and furiously, this is not a thinking process, it was never about, right son, go away, analyse that, break that piece of work down, come back to me and I'll tell you what that means,
[00:35:16]
sorry, it was never about the knowledge, I took the action, I had the experience with the power, and then I went and worked with someone else, and you don't have to be years clean either to work with someone else, it's a lie, I was five months clean as mad as a mad March Hare, running about with smoke coming out of my arse and a big book, yeah, we've got the prescription for the way out mate, do you want a bit of this, yeah, with some conviction and some passion and some fucking energy, yeah, for that, yeah, we've got the keys to the kingdom mate, yeah, we've got the way out, which we can absolutely agree on, have we not?
Yeah, and a big part of my spare time is spent doing that, because me personally, I can't speak for any of you, I am engaged on a life or death errand, me, yeah, I ain't one of the little, you know, I didn't just go on too many, you know, like, benders and end up here because her indoors had the yump, yeah, I'm one of the ones whose life depends upon God, yeah, that's the truth mate, right, and my experience is this, the further I move away from the substance, the worse I feel, that's what you've got to look forward to if you're new, I'll explain what I mean by that, I don't want to frighten you, look, they're all leaving the room, I'll give you an example of my mind at nearly five years clean, I wake up in the morning, the alarm's going off, put it on snows, put it on snows, put it on snows, get up, get up, get up, don't put it on snows, don't put it on snows, get up, so I get up, walk around the flat, so I have a cup of tea, so I have a cup of tea, so I have a cup of tea, have another cigarette, have another cigarette, have another cigarette, don't do that, have a cuppa tea, so I have a cup of tea, have another cigarette, then I start thinking about my partner, what does she mean by that?
did she fucking mean what I think she meant? it was nothing, it was a flippant comment you made over a week ago, it's called resentment, yeah I thought God removed that, did he fuck? ring up work sick, ring up work sick, ring up work sick and then a little bit of sanity comes, after three cups of tea and four roll ups you better pray son, cos your life depends on it by the looks of things so then I bow down to this power and I say please come into my life and help me, because without you I'm nothing, I'm lost and he comes and then I'll feel better, and then I'll stand up and say thank you God almighty for my life and walk out my door with the energy and power to get done what I need to get done because as a result of doing what we do here, I've now got a life worth turning up for I work in the drug and alcohol game, nothing to do with what we do here, it's just a job and I'm not one of the ones that, well you know I'm a counsellor now, I help a lot of others in work excuse me? you get £400 a week for that I'll never get it mixed up with what we do here, it's just a job, it pays my bills and it's something I'm passionate about and something I'm good at and the reason why I say that is this, a good friend of mine recently got put in a wooden box, he's now dead right, because he made that mistake and he'd done some work here with us, and God's good and God gave him a life and he forgot how and where he got that
[00:40:03]
and he was helping others in work it can't treat alcoholism or drug addiction, it's just a job, same as a bricklayer same as a man who throws rubbish bags in the back of the truck, same as the architect, whatever you may be and he's now dead as a result of that so I'll never get that twisted with what we do here, never because it's the selfishness that kills us it's the selfishness that's the root of the trouble, the book's quite clear so I get a few years clean, here's the selfishness in action my mind says, don't go to the meeting, actually you went to one last week just get a pizza, go home and watch EastEnders my phone rings, it's someone new I look at it, oh I'm definitely not taking that call, I'll switch it on silent comes to about 11 o'clock at night, should do a little bit of prayer ah you're alright, you're clean, just jumping to your Uncle Ned sweet, have a good night get up in the morning, actually you're a little bit late for work do it on the bus, a couple of little half-hours in your head on the bus get into work, help others in work all day, then go home and do the same thing and before I know it, I'm so suffering, I just can't claw my way back on my own power and then I use because this disease for me gets worse, as I've already described and meetings can't fix it, working in needle exchange can't fix it yet none of that, only the steps and God can for me and as a result of living this way of life, my whole life's just gone bang and opened up like a flower that's the truth and as well as having fun in recovery, I'll take this thing seriously mate it kills men and women week in, week out, week in, week out and I don't want to be one of the ones just passing through for a drug addict like me, there's nowhere else left to go this was the last house on the block and there's been times, and this is the truth, when I've had to fucking dig my heels in deep yet to stay here and if that happens again, then so be it, I'll do it again I've had problems in recovery, I've had health problems I've lost jobs all that stuff, I was riddled with hepatitis when I got here it affected me, it was attacking my liver, I was talking to Dave from Brighton about it earlier I was having to go home and sleep 2 or 3 times a day, I was destroyed of it I had to go on a load of medication for that not mind-altering, but it might as well have been, I was crying at watching Coronation Street my emotional nature's already twisted it weren't nice I've got a little daughter, my partner's about 9 months pregnant, bang, I lose my job I go into extreme fear I'll know what you're going to do I'll do what you lot have taught me to do, I take action to get another one that's what I do here, I take action, and God takes care of the results I've been through all that and got through it, because in the midst of it all, God's all powerful and ever-present even when I'm not in touch with that fact, because I know that intellectually in my mind when I don't feel that, He just is He just is He just is lovely piece in the book, it says either God is everything or God's nothing, He either is or He isn't yeah, what was my choice to be?
well He better be, else I'm mucked yeah, so experience tells me He is, because I'm still here. Right? And I've seen legions, yeah, of men and women Come In The Short Space Of Time That I've Been Here, Where Are They Now? Where Are They
[00:45:03]
Now? We See The Same Old Faces At The Event, Where Are They Now? Many, Many, Many Men and Women Come, But In My Experience, As Far As I Can See, Only The Minority Stay. So This Is Never About Keep Coming Back. You're Here Now, How Are You Going To Stay? Yeah, The Arrogance Of People To Think, Oh, Well, I'll Just Go Back To The Meetings. Yeah, Well, I'll Just Go Back And Take The Steps. Well, How Do You Know You're Going To Get Back? Yeah, And This Is The Lie That Kills Men And Women. Yeah, Because This Is What Happens, Look, Man Comes In, I'm In A Mess, We Yelp Him, Come Here Son, Let's Go, We Got A Way Out. You Want That? Yeah, I Want It. Can You Conform To This? Yeah, Look, You Think You Can Do That?
Yeah, You Think That's A Tall Order? Yeah, Bye-Bye. Right, So He Says, Yeah, I Can Conform To That. Lovely, I'll Do That. We Get Him. We Do Some Work With Him. Yeah, God's Good, God Turns Up. He Gets A Job, A Car, A New Missus. Six Months Later, He's Not Here. What Happened To Him Then? Selfishness. That's What Happened To Him. Yeah, Then He Goes Back Out, He Uses. But The Using Is Finished, Because He's Got A Head Full Of Doctors' Opinion And There Is A Solution, And Build Story And Interaction. That Don't Mix With Cracking Heroin. Right, So He Comes Back To The Meeting, By God's Grace. Oh, Can You Help Me? Okay, Now He's Missing Me Again. All Right, Come On, You Ready This Time? Yeah, Right, Let's Go. Yeah, We Help Him. Six Months Later, He's Gone Again. What Happened To Him? Selfishness. That's What Happened To Him. Right, Then He Goes Back And Uses. Same Thing Happens. Right, Then He Comes Back. You See, And What's Killing Him Is That. Oh, Well, I'll Just Get Back.
I Got Back The Last Two Times. Well, How Do You Know You're Going To Get Back? You Might Not. I'm Not Willing To Test It. I'm Not Willing To Play That Game. Because I've Already Touched On, I Am On A Life Or Death Errand. I'm Here To Stay. I'm Here To Stay. Right, And The Key To Sobriety In My Experience Is Working With Others. And I'll Tell You Why. When I'm With Him, I Am Out Of Me. If I'm Away From Him For Too Long, I Am Into Me.
I Don't Work. Right, And The Selfishness, This Is The Mind. I've Got To Meet You, Geezer At Ealing Station. Don't Meet Him, Don't Meet Him, Don't Meet Him. Ring Him Up And Tell Him He Can't Come. Ring Him Up And Tell Him He Can't Come. Right, Because The Thinking, Yeah, Is Still Skewed. But The Action Is Healthy. I Turn Up. I Turn Up. And Then When He Leaves My Flat, I Feel A Million Dollars. I Feel Light. I Start Ringing Everyone Up. Hello, How Are You Doing? Yeah, It's The Key To Sobriety. Yeah, You Want Self-Esteem, Do Esteem Things And You'll Get That. Yeah, Or Just Read It Off A Bit Of Paper And Just Light It Yourself.
I Don't Trudge Around To All The Fellowships. If That's Your Bag, Lovely, Whatever Puts The Wind In Your Sales, I Don't Do It. I Love Colcaine Anonymous. Yeah, For Me, This Is Where It's At. Right, This Is The Fellowship With The Energy. Yeah, This Is Where The Work Is Being Done, In My Experience. See, He's Small. We Might Think He's Big. Oh, Look How Many Meetings We've Got Now. There's No One In Them. We Might Have Grown In Meetings, But That's About All. I Stay Here. Yeah, And Do The Work With Others In The Hope That He Stays And Does The Work With Others And Bang, Thus We Grow.
That's Why I Stay Here. How Selfish Of Me. Well, I've Got Cleaning To Do, But I Don't Really Go There Anymore. I Come Here. This Is Where It's At For Me. And You Know What? I Am Not Responsible, Yeah, For What The Guy Does With This Message Who We Work With. But What I Am Responsible For Is Delivering This Message To Him At The Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous, As It Was Delivered To Me. Yeah, Burn This Message Into His Consciousness. Yeah, You Too Can Recover If You Trust God,
[00:50:08]
Clean House And Help Others. Yeah, Six Months Up The Street, He Wants To Sell Drugs, Sleep With Every Female He Comes Into Contact With, That's His Affair. I Just Moved Past That. But We Are Responsible For The Message We Are Transmitting To These Men And Women. Because This Is, Is It Not, The Last House On The Block? And You Know What? My Life Today Is Healthy. My Life Is Healthy. I Now Live A Life Of Hope And Limitless Possibilities.
Limitless. Whereas Before, I Was Just Lost. Yeah, In A Sea Of Hopelessness, That I Just Couldn'T Seem To Find My Way Out Of. And In My Opinion, Half The World Could Do With A Crash Course In What We Do Here. It Would Be A Healthier Place To Live, Would It Not? I Don'T Know What'S Round The Corner, Because I'M Not God. But When I'M Doing This Work, It'S Normally All Right. And If It'S Not, I'VE Got You Lot To Carry Me Through It Anyway.
I'M Going To Wrap It Up With This. There'S A Piece In The Book, And It'S Written By A Man Called Dr. Bob. And God Used Him And Others As Vehicles To Start The AA Thing. Right? And Without That, None Of Us Would Be Here. And He Says This, If You Think You're An Atheist, An Agnostic, A Skeptic, Or Have Any Other Form Of Intellectual Pride Which Keep You From Accepting What'S In The Book, I Feel Sorry For You. If You Still Think You Are Strong Enough To Beat The Game Alone, That'S Your Affair. But If You Really And Truly Want To Quit Drinking And Using For One And All, And Sincerely Feel You Must Have Some Help, We Know. We Have An Answer For You. And It Never Fails If You Go About It With One Half The Zeal You've Been In The Habit Of Showing When You Was Getting Another Drink Or Drug, Your Heavenly Father Will Never Let You Go.
And There Is But One Heavenly Father Alight Who Presides Over Us All, That One Is God, May you find Him there. Thank you to Ozzy for asking me to come. Peace be with you all.