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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 857 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: celeste-m-celeste-m-recovery-story-at-recovery-in-the-rockies-ca-1994-archive-857.mp3 Duration: 01:08:07
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Okay, my name is Celeste and I'm an addict alcoholic. Um, I decided when I got in here I didn't need to go to the bathroom and then I said, well, I better go because I'll need to go if I don't go and if I do go I won't need to go. And I got in there and then I tucked my dress into my pantyhose and walked out of the bathroom. So, I'm, I'm doing very well. Um, I've been here for a few hours and now I know what I forgot to pack.
The toothbrush and the black belt because of this dress. And, um, so I had some coffee and some chocolate and then I came in. Laughter Oh, I remember when I got sober I argued, um, because I went to AA to get sober because CA wasn't strong enough, you were allowed to slip. And so my AA sponsor told me that, um, in, uh, Alcoholics Anonymous we said that we were sober and that we were alcoholics and I said, well, we're really addicts because I'm addicted to absolutely everything and why can't I just say that and argued and, uh, I finally ended up saying I was an alcoholic and found that I loved one.
But I am, I'm such an addict and when you read who is the cocaine addict you can put any word in there and I did, um, except normal, you know. And, and I'm addicted to trying to be like that but I've never accomplished it. I was over cheap marks. So, laughter Oh, it's quite, quite a lot. Okay, let's see, it's 8.30 so I'm going to stop at 9.15. We'll be good. Um, I was born and raised in a town that everyone knows as Zip Code and my father reminds me of that constantly so I never should have been an alcoholic or addict.
We were born and raised in a bar, we were born in Bellflower but when I was three we moved to Beverly Hills. And our address was 90210 and we went to the finest schools and I had a mother that baked for the cookie bride and she made for some pudding for Christmas and we would dip apples for Thanksgiving and we did jack-o'-lanterns at Halloween and we looked fabulous on the outside and I was the old seven-fifths.
And, uh, our life was really, it was hell because it was two different sides. It was what everybody else saw and what really went on. And, um, so I went to school and I tried to do well at school and I joined the Girl Scouts and I joined the Explorer Scouts, I did repeated moccasin work for the guys and I was in the campfire girls and I was on the kickboard team and all I did was just try to achieve, achieve, achieve.
And what it was, I look back on now, was I started running at a really young age and I couldn't stand how I felt and who I was. I always felt different. In Beverly Hills, most of the people that lived there were Jewish and I was, I was Caucasian, I had blonde hair and blue eyes and I didn't need to get a nose job and, uh, I, you know, my parents weren't really wealthy, they were hoped to be wealthy and everybody else was.
My parents weren't movie stars and everybody else was. And I'd always show to school on the Jewish holidays and, uh, felt like a fool. And, uh, and somebody I had heard once say that, uh, they must have passed out a book one day on how to act and, uh, that was the school and that was the day I was sick. And, um, that's how I always felt. I was always delayed, I was always short, I was a terminal nerd, I was weird, I was odd, um, I always missed it.
Um, and I wanted so badly to just fit in and to be part of. Uh, by the time I was 12 years of age, um, I had picked up my first real, I think, addiction or attempt to get outside of myself and that was through anorexia. I believed that if I could get thin enough, it would, I'd be perfect. I got down to 97 pounds and was almost hospitalized. Um, I don't look good at 97 pounds and I would look in the mirror and my perception was so off.
I would see this skin hanging from my body and I would believe that it was fat and if I just lost another five pounds, I think I'd be okay. Um, the doctors told me I was going to be hospitalized on an IV and I was absolutely terrified of needles. So I went ahead and ate everything I was given and became delinquent after that. And so my next addiction was food. And, uh, I could just, you know, I could eat until I filled that hole up in me and then I would overdo that too.
And it got to a point where I had to control my weight because if I wasn't thin, I didn't look good and if I didn't look good, people would know I was screwed up.
[00:05:01]
They would know there was something wrong inside of me and that wasn't acceptable in my family. So I, I learned to, uh, make myself vomit and then I got to a point where I was eating on a daily basis. Um, it was bad. And I tried religion, I tried church, I went to five different churches a week. And, uh, you know, if it's good, overdo it. And, uh, I went to, you know, Catholic church, I went to an Episcopal church, a Methodist church, a Presbyterian church, and I think the other one was Lutheran, but I'm not sure.
And, um, there were, you'd have to bend down and kneel for prayer in one of them and in another one you didn't and in another one you crossed your heart and some, and I'd move my left hand and sometimes I'd kneel when I wasn't supposed to and I just, I, I was just odd and weird at that too. And I wore my hair pulled back in a ponytail with two ringlet curls in the front. And so they called me Springs McCain.
And I, I just, I was just, I was weird. And I, I wanted so badly, because I went to all this Bible study and the Bible talked about how if I was this way that God would take care of me. And I was good and bad things happened and I just didn't understand it and I just couldn't figure it out. So finally I was either 16 or 17, but it was New Year's and one of the guy's parents had, well, his parents were out of town.
They didn't have the party he did. Um, you know, your parents say, don't you have a party? Well, we're gone and I don't want anyone in this house and the whole thing. And, uh, so he invited all his closest friends and there were probably about 50 to 100 of us. And we went over there for New Year's party. And I did not drink, I did not smoke, I did not do drugs, I did not have sex because I was going to be married to a virgin.
And I was going to be a good girl so I could go to heaven. And, you know what, I was just, I was sick of being so weird and so out of place. Everything else was fine. And I just, this was odd. And so I decided that night I was going to drink. And so I went to the person who I admired. And the person who I admired was Pete W. And he was the guy that passed the hat around and people would put dollar bills in.
And the bet was that you couldn't drink an entire bottle or whatever was left in the bottle of Jack Daniels without throwing up within five minutes. And, uh, they'd all make the bet. And then if Pete could drink all that was in the bottle and not throw up, he won the money. So, um, that guy went to us and he fixed me a drink and he made me a scotch and water. And I argued about the number of ice cubes.
The less ice you get, the more. You see, I'd learned that with an eating disorder. And, uh, and so I went ahead and I had, it was shell glasses to get when you needed to fill up. They're doing that thing again now so it makes it seem like I'm not that old. But this was way back. And, um, they were big glasses. They put half scotch, half water, one ice cube. And I remember holding on to that elixir and this was going to do it.
I was going to now sit on the sofa and it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I was going to take this thing and I was going to become cool. I was going to be comfortable within me. And I sat down and I drank it rapidly. And, um, and I waited and nothing happened. And I, I was just horrified. And I didn't like the taste of it. It tasted terrible. But, um, I didn't care. So I decided I was going to get another one.
And they warned me. They said, you know, it's your first time drinking. You've got to take it easy. And I was like, oh no, I'm having another. So I fixed myself another one and I doubled that down. And that one did hit me. And I still remember it felt like my hair stood on end. And my, the hair on my back, you know. You don't have hair on your back until you start drinking. At least I wasn't drinking my ice cream.
I was like, whoa. And that feeling went all the way to the bottom. And that burning scotch hit my stomach. And I puked all over the table. I puked all over me. I puked all over the people. Um, it was really bad. And when it came to, I had vomited all over myself and everything. And I had been laying on the bathroom floor in the cold pile with the vomit. And I was cold. Oh, God, it was gross. So they carried me out.
And I was asking for another drink. They got me home. Popped me up outside Mom and Dad's room. And I said, I'm home. You know, and they put me to bed. And the next morning, I went to church. And I prayed. And I asked God to remove that hangover. And he didn't. And I drank and went on.
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Because the deal was I would never drink again if he did that. And he didn't fulfill his commitment. And I still remember going into bars and telling people. That was my justification for my drinking. People would tell me, boy, you should drink a lot. And I'm like, well, you know, I made this deal with God. And we didn't keep up his end. So I've been drinking ever since. It was like I was proud of it or something.
So, and then later I was proud that I was an alcoholic because it was just a joke. It meant that I could hold my liquor, you know. And then I became ashamed of it. But the alcohol allowed me, it allowed me to cross that magical line. Because I wasn't going to do any of those things. And then it was like, well, I've already bragged. And I learned in church that there's ten links. And when you break one, the chain still breaks.
It doesn't matter anyhow. As long as I'm going to hell, might as well do it. And let's do it in style. And if drinking's good, the sudden must be better. And I would try white glasses for studying. And boy, was I sharp on those. I was fast and sharp, and I loved that. So then I found out that if you dealt with drugs, you could get them for free. And, you know, it took me such a short period of time.
It was just like a whole thing just mushroomed. And within six months, I had left home. I was working as a dance girl in downtown L.A. on Sixth and Hill, which is a very seedy area of town. I was doing drugs. I ended up getting involved in prostitution. I was running a gambling house. I just became fast, pulse, and mental. And there was nothing that I wouldn't do. When I was introduced to cocaine, that was when I found it.
That's stuff I love. But it was far too expensive, and I was not going to get addicted to it. You know, I had seen other people's mistakes, and I was not going to make the same. And so I was going to be a dealer, and I would only use the profits. And, you know, I always had these great plans, these wonderful ideas. And they never quite worked out. And so I got involved in doing that. And every once in a while, I would stop doing the cocaine and save my money.
So I'd use pot, and I'd get paranoid and tired and stupid, and I'd do that. You know, and then I'd try crystal meth with brain, and I'd be up for four days, and I'd be praying that I could close my eyes and put, like, little toothpicks in them. And I remember they felt like, you know, those pears you eat that have the lumps in them? That's what my eyes felt like. It just hurts so bad. So I'd say, no, I won't do that.
But all I did was I just would switch addictions constantly. Switch them around, switch them around. I switched people around twice the same. I worked as a cashier at a restaurant, and I worked for a man who later became the man I was going to marry. He was 54, and his name was Bill D.. And he was a Mafia hitman, and he was from Brooklyn. And he had no front teeth. And I took him home and introduced him to my parents in Beverly Hills and said, This will be my husband.
And I wasn't even 21. My parents were absolutely aghast. I told them my life was wonderful now. And we moved to South Lake Tahoe, and his cover was he was restaurant manager for International House of Pancakes. So he worked as a manager, and I worked as the assistant manager, and my job was embezzling and drinking and using. And his was drinking and using and using the money I embezzled and sleeping with all the waitresses until I got a resentment.
And, you know, the other thing is, oh, I was so clean and neat on the coast. I just cleaned all the time. So I would always be cleaning, and I got up in his closet one day, and I found these red cases. They were metal cases. And they sort of looked like they were tools or something, like a craftsman's did or something. And so I started asking him about them, because we had a whole bunch of them. And he said, yeah, they've got anything like this.
And I said, well, where are the guns? And he said, they're in the bottom of the river. And I thought that was really odd. And finally, you know, it dawned on me. And so, you know, he was sleeping around, and he was using the money that I had stolen. He was stealing money from me, how dare you, when I was stealing from a company. And, you know, as long as we had spent the money together and he was being true to me, it would have been okay.
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I mean, my values were just so messed up. So, he and I got in a big fight, and he told me to go clean his desk because he was a hitman. and that this is just a cover and if I didn't leave the town, they were gonna kill me. So, I moved four blocks away, and that made perfect sense to me. I ended up living in southwest Tahoe for another few years, and I got into as much trouble as possible up there. And I ended up getting involved with a guy who was a cocaine flyer, and he had a wife that was rather jealous, and she decided she was gonna kill me.
And then he decided he was gonna kill me. I had a mouth on me. I still do, but I had a real mouth on me when I was drinking and using. So, what I did was, I didn't know what I was gonna do to protect myself against this guy presuming an explosive company. And, yeah, I know. So, I went to the police and I asked them, I said, you know, what in the hell am I gonna do to protect myself? You know, this guy's a maniac.
And here I am in there like I'm some sweet little innocent… So, they told me that there was no way that they could protect me and the safest place for me to go would be down to one of the call houses in Nevada. So, I promptly checked in down there and worked down there. And it turned out that my maid at the house I worked at was his wife. So, they ripped my house off while I was gone. And while I was down there working, and then he ended up having a plane accident and died.
And, you know, that's how I got out of it. Once again, I was just speaked by. While I was working down there, I met a guy by the name of Russ M. And he was a Utah's penny stockbroker. And so what I would do is I would work six weeks and I'd have two weeks off. And so what I would do is come to Utah and I'd go to Salt Lake City to visit Russ. And that was for my, you know, vacation time from working at the house.
And I invested in the penny market and we bought a bar called The Bear Wolf. And I don't know if it's still around, but it's been I guess about 14 years now. And so I'm going to look him up. I'm just curious. Maybe I should. Maybe I should call my sponsor. That's why. That's why. That's why we have sponsors. Some things seem like such good ideas. They just make good sense. And all of a sudden they don't.
So I got involved in that. And then I decided I was going to get my life together. So I moved to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And they have blue logs there. So they close the bars at 11 o'clock on Saturday night. And I work at the Copa Havana. And they have to close at 11 on Saturday because Sunday is a holy day. And even the workers have to be out of the place by 12 o'clock. And the doors have to be locked up.
Otherwise it's illegal. And you're not allowed to drink on Sunday. Because it's a given thing. So that's where I moved to. And I was going to get rid of the drugs. I was going to get rid of the alcohol. I was going to stop all of that. So what do I do? I get a job as a possible waitress. You know. And I drank. I never could put together more than a few days, a few hours of any type of clean time. And if I did, it was because I was sick.
Or because I was so hungover. I ended up trying geographic after geographic. There was a guy in Myrtle Beach that decided I was his girl. And he took a distributor out of my car. And stole my dog. And told me if I didn't move in with him he was going to shoot me. So I did. And I escaped in the dead of night. Oh, I remember. He was a pot dealer. And I didn't want to get involved with him. Because I needed him to deal cocaine.
So I could get enough. So I introduced him to the fine art of cocaine. Because with pot you couldn't make any money. Cocaine you can. And you know. Come on. Be big time. And so I got him involved in that. And of course Lenny broke on that. And he ended up chasing me one night in his car. And we hit a freeway pylon. Or an embankment to a bridge. And ended up in a coma. And that was how Simon got away from me.
But I'd had a few interfaces with him prior to that. I would like to do coke for days and days on end. And stay up. And I loved solitaire. And I would use the cards. And I would just play. And play. And if I won a certain number of hands.
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Or I got a certain number of cards. And I was always counting. I was into counting. And so I would count and count. And then he would come and interrupt me. And I couldn't remember where I was at. Whether I did a hit or not. Oh he irritated me. And one day he came home. And he grabbed those cards. Up off the table. And I had a fork sitting next to me. And I stabbed him in the belly. And I worked that into this great story.
About how I killed a man. And the man wouldn't bother me from then on. Because he knew I was bad. And so the thing was. You bother me and I'll kill you. It was just a story. It took until I was nine months sober. For me to realize that. I'd only stabbed him with a fork. And he didn't live through it. Poor Russell. His mother. She was a Baptist. And she really believed in that stuff. I ended up moving to Atlanta, Georgia.
I got involved with a helicopter mechanic. And I was going to become an aircraft mechanic. And I moved back to Phoenix, Arizona. And figured that there it would be good. And I got out of the shower one day. And couldn't dry myself off. I cried for 20 minutes and left. It was just the humidity was too high for me. You know it's real hard to drink. And to use. You know when you break out those cold sweats.
And all that stuff. And you can't even shower and clean yourself up. You can't even dry off. So it was impossible. So I moved back to L.A. And I moved in with my parents. And I pulled up to their mansion in Beverly Hills. With a U-Haul trailer. With my drinking and using vehicle. Attached to the back. And I had. Let's see. I had all kinds of critters. And of course I had a gun sitting on the dashboard of the car.
Because I drove cross country. And I had my feet underneath the gun. Because you don't want anyone to steal it. And I'd already done all the coke. Before I even got out of the state. So. You know. And there I am. And the police pulled me over. And asked me what I was doing. It was around 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. Moving into my parents house. And I tell the cops. Hey, hey, calm down. I live here.
My parents are here. I'm just moving in. And I was told to let you know. I have a gun sitting on the front seat of the car. And it's just there to protect me. Because you know how single women need protection. But cops grissed me. And held me up against the thing. And my parents came out. And I haven't seen them in years. I lived there I think 3 days. And moved out. My mother wanted me to behave. And she was out of her mind.
And. So I just. I left. And moved into an area in Venice. And I worked at a cocktail waitress again. And I got robbed. And I came home that night. At 4 o'clock in the morning. In a cocktail dressing platform. She was still at the 6 foot fence. And chased the Crips gang. Down the street. The 25 caliber of the CIA. And thought that there was nothing wrong. And that's who and what I was. I was a main man.
And I went to aircraft school during the day. And I had grease under my fingernails. And I had ripped nylons. And I showed up to work. And at the same time. Nylons did have to be after day. So I'm just going to put more rips in them. And I'm working at the Marriott Hotel at LAS. They come in a car. And they come in. I'm smelling like gas. Avgas fuel. And talking about how I adjusted a carburetor. On a plane.
And how we did weight and balance that day. And I was a main man. And of course. I was still doing the drugs. And still doing the drugs. I got involved with the Sanchinistas. With the import and export. I got involved with gemstones. And just all kinds of insane. And crazy things. By the time I was 27 years of age. I had a boyfriend. And he was my boyfriend. Because he was the only one I kissed. That's how you determine the difference.
Between a boyfriend and somebody else. Because I did everything else. So it didn't matter. And he never quite understood that. It was supposed to make him feel good. But I don't know. But the coke would always work. When I got it home. I had a drug dealer. That was the last one to be busted. There had been three that had been busted. And I found out that this so-called boyfriend. Was coming in.
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What he did was he set him up. He set him up for a good buy of cocaine. And he would go over. And he would pick the coke up. And then the police would come in after him. So he would get all the straight coke. And I had to put a contract out on him. And the contract was $20,000. And I found that out the same day. I was dealing with getting money together. To hire the hit. And I only had one drug dealer left.
That was still in business. And I didn't know what I was going to do. I was bleeding anally. And I was coughing up blood. And I was spitting up blood. And the blood just came out of my ears. And I didn't feel real good. And I thought. Six months earlier. I had applied for a job. And the man who hired me was drunk. And I knew how to dress up and look good. That was one thing my parents did teach me.
And so I got hired for a job. And there was no opening. And he was drunk out of his mind. So I had been working for this company. And I had medical insurance. I had a van. It had the company name on the outside. I was repairing computer equipment. I was repairing terminals. The aerospace industry. And then I would have my costume. For my after hours events. In the back. You know the negligence. And all that stuff.
In the back it was hard stuff. And I'd have medication on my beeper. It was my work beeper. And I was hiding money from the company. And I was a mess. And I figured. You know what I'll do. I'll just. I'll go to the doctor. And I went to the doctor. And the doctor told me I was on cocaine. So I needed to do the dramatic and right thing. Which was return the van. My beeper. My badge. And resign from this company.
And let them know I was going off to die. And. You know. So I went and saw the boss. And I sat down with poor Bob. And he was ex-military. And he was a drunk. The drugs were a super no-no. And he asked me. And I said I'm a cocaine addict. And I could just see the fear in him. And. He just didn't even know what to do. Or what to say. So he went out to lunch. And had a margarita set for him. And got smashed.
And never turned in my resignation. So the company paid for my rehab. And I spent 26 days in jail. And was taken to the hospital. During the time there. 12 days of sobriety. Bob was one of these skinny skinny guys. And he looked like an alcoholic. I mean he looked bad. He had that brawn in thing. And a leathery face. And a big red bulbous nose. And he was one of these do-gooders. And he was going to take us and fix us.
And he had this old beat up car. That's been in a million accidents. And he'd load us all in the station wagon. And we would go to these meetings. So he took me to a specific group meeting. And it was Saturday night. It was at the Santa Monica. I believe it was the high school. And there were about 650 regular attenders. And it was a room much larger than this. As I recall. But you know I have a magnifying mind.
And it had lots of tables in it. It was a cafeteria. And so I decided. Ah this is the perfect place to catch Glenn. Because Glenn was smoking my Sherman's. But he was stealing them. He was masking for them. He was another guy in the hospital. He was a pot addict that believed he was the world champion ping pong player. And he didn't know how to play ping pong. It was really weird. And Jesus was his brother.
I mean really. And um. So I put my cigarettes down on the table. And I started traveling across the room. And I figured. This will be the perfect way to catch Glenn. And there's a lot of people here. And he'll go over. So I'm going across the room. And these people were shaking my hand. They were giving me phone numbers. They were asking me what step I was on. Who my sponsor was. What my name was. How long I'd been sober.
I was just like. And so I had a handful of cards and everything. Before I knew it I was all the way on the other side of the room. So on my way I headed out the door. And I remembered about the cigarettes. Because it was my primary purpose. That's why I was there. And when I get there. And there's a woman. And she had long long blonde hair. dress and high heels and she had on pantyhose without ribs. I remember being quite impressed by that. She had long nails. Oh, and she had diamonds. I liked the diamonds a lot. And she just looked great. And she was there talking to this woman that looked like she was not
[00:30:04]
a reciter. She had swords in her face and she smelled. She was crying and this lady was holding her hand. And with the other hand, she was clicking her nails on my shirt. And she was smoking them. And I was just infuriated that she could do this. I tapped her on the shoulder and I waited probably a few nanoseconds, but I was very speedy when I was near Richard's here and what a gift because he knows how crazy I was. I was a nut. And I was fast.
I would do a short type things and move and talk a lot. Some things haven't changed. And so what ended up happening was I tapped her on the shoulder, and of course she was paying attention to this other woman. And it's like, I am far more important than this piece of trash. And I tapped her again, and tapped her again, and then I tapped her, and I had this flyaway problem when I was new. You know, hands, and legs, and all that stuff. And I, my head did this, and I noticed that the next table over was where my Sherman was. I was like, no. And as I turned back, she turned to me, and she said, can I help you? And I said, it's my sponsor.
And I said, you got to look cool. And boy, did God pick that woman. She had drank the news with the same people that I had drank the news with, but those people were somebody, and she drank the news with them. They had the fancy cars, the houses in Malibu. They were importing large quantities of drugs, not trying to scrape together eight halls between twelve people in a little apartment with, you know, mattresses on the floor, and people coming and going. And one day we decided, since the windows didn't open, we would take the skylight out of the ceiling. And then we believed a cop fell in through it, so we had to do a dance.
And, you know, I'd forgotten about that one. I ended up hiding naked behind the washer and dryer downstairs in a condominium for 45 minutes, because we believed the cops were there. And then went back. It makes sense to me. I did what I was supposed to. I don't know. So I got her as my sponsor, and she told me to call her every day. And I did, and the hospital didn't understand, because they had this set routine, and I was supposed to go to these things, but they didn't understand that I was supposed to call my sponsor, and that was far more important, and they wouldn't release me from the thing, so the nurse was a bitch, and I hated her, and I told her so, and I told her I hope she brought it in hell, and I told her what I hope happened to her kids, and her family, and the whole thing.
And I finally talked to my sponsor and told her all the things that I had told the nurse, and she said, you need to apologize. And I was like, I'll be damned, and she said, you want to stay clean. And I was like, okay. And so I went and I apologized, but my sponsor gave me a little secret. She said that what I could do was apologize for my behavior, but I didn't have to apologize for what I said, or what I thought, or how I felt. I just had to apologize for my behavior, and that one let me off the hook. I was able to do that.
Because I told her, I said, I meant everything I said. I was the truth. I'm being honest. I'm being rigorously honest. We're supposed to be rigorously honest in this program. And she is a bitch. And my sponsor said I just could not break that wing anymore, or I'd go back out. I had 26 days of sobriety. They told me I had now graduated, and I could leave the hospital. And I had sat in my hospital room, looked out to my drug dealer. And so I was the only one that was still a bit open. And so I would watch out the window if people went, you know, would come and go. And I knew the second I left the hospital, I would just walk over there and say hi again.
And I did. And I was scared to leave. And they said that for certain special people, you get to go to a special place called a recovery house. And I was one of those special people. And so my sponsor took me to Felicity House. And I remember going there with her, and I held the bottom of her skirt, like I was a five-year-old kid.
[00:35:03]
Because I wanted so badly for them to accept me, to just allow me to come stay at this recovery house. There was no other chance I had. I knew if I went back, I wouldn't make it. And I just sat. She went in, and she said, listen, they talk about Celeste like she's in a bell jar. So just, you know, you be quiet, and I'm going to talk, and here's what we're going to do. And she set up the schedule of the meetings that I would go to with her, who would pick me up, what time I would get up in the morning. She just laid the whole thing out. They shook hands and agreed, and I just went, and they let me stay. And I stayed at Felicity House for three months.
Meanwhile, it was time to go back to work, and I had to make amends. I had hided money from the company. So my sponsor went with me once again. And she went with me to the meeting, and no manager wanted me, so they had me hired a new guy. And the new guy was of importance that she was in the military, and he was in charge of the Black Sheep Squadron. And he knew alcoholism inside and out, and drug addiction. And so he sat down with me and set up some rules. And once again, she talked to him and said, I was in a bell jar, and he said he wasn't going to treat me special, but there was one thing that I had to do different.
I wasn't going to take eight calls in the morning and go out and have a great start and a lousy finish. And he said, that's how you all are. And so what I'm going to do is give you one call to do. You go out and do that call. You call me from there and tell me what you did to fix it, and then I'll give you the next call to go out on. So I would call him and report to him if I finished each call that I did.
And he was great. And there were times that, so I'm sober, I would lay on the floor in my little business suit with my beeper and my good job and the company car, and I would lay on the floor and sit and scream like a child because it wasn't fair. He would tell me to get up that it wasn't where he liked and go call my sponsor. And he would put me in his office and he would lock the door. It's been a long time since I did that, but he was wonderful. And I had him give me my first real case, and it meant a lot.
He's since retired and he bought some giant bus and he's going around the country. And he's having me make some city bus windows for him while I'm still cleaning. But it went ahead. I got promotions. I got raises. I took my first vacation. I decided to get married because I was almost 30 and it was time to do it. And the guy I picked had a story that was as bad as mine. And his name was Paul. And he had 30 days of sobriety when I met him, way back in the beginning. But he had to go off to jail to do some crime groups and stealing and stuff he's done. So when he got back from jail, I got involved with him. I think he had a year then, so he was not untouchable.
In the specific group, you had to, you know, one year, no relationship. I think there were two or three people, but they were really weird that actually did the one year without a relationship. And, you know, the program is suggested. It's really to help us, but at the time I didn't think it was a good idea. And then when I got involved in my first relationship, I was like, oh, it stinks. But I decided it was time to get married, so that's what I was going to do. So I found me a husband and we got engaged and we were the perfect AA couple. I sponsored a million women and he sponsored a million men and the phone rang off the hook and we were too good to be true.
We went to meetings together and we spoke as a couple in recovery. We went to the VA hospital and we went to NA and we went to CA and we went to AA. And we qualified for everything, so we went to everything. And we decided to get married at the VA hospital and the drug addicts and alcoholics they had there were going to paint the tables, the picnic tables, in my wedding colors and they were going to decorate this.
And I had a friend that made my wedding dress. You know, it was AA all the way. I invited 650 of my closest AA and CA and NA friends without making a list. And two weeks later he left me for a woman with 30 days of sobriety tattoo from East LA and she was six foot. And I was devastated. And I didn't know what to do.
[00:40:10]
I went ahead and my sponsor told me I needed to call and cancel the wedding. And so I called and uninvited people I hadn't invited and I forgot to uninvite people I had invited. So a lot of people did show to the wedding that wasn't. And I wanted to kill myself. And I felt like I had no control over it. I didn't think of drinking and using it was the last thing on my mind. But killing myself seemed like a good option.
So I went and I sat in my sponsor's hallway in front of the door of her apartment. She played pool. That's what she liked to do. So she got in I think about four o'clock in the morning and she sat up with me all night and we talked. And I went to AA, NA, CA, anything I could where I could be with people. I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want to be talked to. I didn't want any advice. I didn't want any for me. I didn't want any I told you so. I didn't want anything. I wanted you to just ignore me and to allow me to be with you and to be okay.
And after ten days I came out of it. And I was taught to replace anything you do with something positive. So I decided to go back to school. Wednesday night was Paul's night and my night together where we put the phone off the book and the people we sponsored couldn't get in touch with us and we would go have a date. And that was our special time. So I went to school and I took stained glass. And six weeks later I opened a stained glass business. And the city I was living in went ahead and asked me to be a member of the board of directors. It was from the city of commerce. They wanted me to be one of the people on that.
And here I had this business license and I had bought a home because I hadn't paid the $20,000 in debts that he had, which when I married him I was going to pay that off and then we were going to start from zero together. And here I had this business and everything was just going absolutely wonderful. And I got promoted at my job and Rockwell International saw me and they wanted me to repair the computers for the space shuttle.
And they wanted me promoted and trained to be in charge of the reform. And they signed me a one year contract and the company gave me the promotion and they gave me the training and I had to get a government clearance. And so I went in and I answered the questionnaire and they asked me if I'd ever drank or used and what drugs, if you, when, how many times, what days. I'm just like lots, lots, lots, lots, lots.
So I answered the questions the best I could. They had 27 counts against me and they told me no clearance. But at the bottom it said if you want to fight this with something or feel it you can show up Friday at 1 o'clock at the courtroom on the corner of Imperial and I think it was Century in the Department of Defense building on the 6th floor. And I would do that. And then they would come back with something else and at the bottom it would tell me where I had to meet at what time and I would show up for that. And a year and a half later in front of the Department of Defense judge with two counsels for the government fighting against me and I went in without an attorney. And he's like, Mr. Cain, do you realize what's going on here? Where's your attorney? And I said I didn't come here to fight you guys, I came here to answer your questions.
And the Department of Defense judge, I think he was one of us, ran and made friends. And he had put down that big 12-step program. I had become a responsible human being that was worthy of the trust of the government and that my life had turned around. And he did a close test of me. It was more than a close test of me. It was more than 380 pages that I was in. It was something more than five years.
The deal I made after that was that if I ever wanted to drink the juice again, I would have to read that book he wrote, because it was my story. He had written it from all the interviews and all the other things. And I just, I can't believe I'd be able to get through that and never want to drink the juice. The obsession has been with this woman and I thank God for that because I don't think I'm one of those people that could have sat here wanting to and can't stay and really don't.
[00:45:00]
And I knew that my life had to be better here than there and it was real hard to clean that up and stay here. I had achieved all this glory, I had gotten a job, a brand new car, the blades, the government clearance, and a house, and a business, and I had it all. And I was five weeks sober, and I was dying inside. As many hours as I could, I had to come home, and when I got home, I would sit in bed and I would eat a watermelon.
One can full at a time. I'd cut it in half and eat it, and then I would eat the other half. And then in the morning, I would head for breakfast, and I couldn't get up for, you know, I couldn't get up and go to work. It was gray, and it was dark, and I hated life. And my sponsor at that time, I called her, and I told her I just couldn't do it anymore, and she was like, you need to make a break for this.
And I did it again, and it still didn't work, and I felt like shit inside. And I had all the outside stuff that I was into inside. And so she fired me because I couldn't cheer up, and I checked into a mental hospital, and I stayed there for 90 days. And I found out there were some things that happened to me when I was a kid that I hadn't remembered. And I still don't remember, you know, exactly what it was.
I don't remember who it was and some of the things, or how old I was, or, you know, the details of those projects. But I do remember that there were some things that happened, things about guns to people's heads, and having to stand naked in front of the fireplace, and something about lighting a whole box of matches and having to blow them out one at a time, and bleeding, and wishing I would die, and wishing my parents would die, and knowing what was wrong.
You know, just little bits and pieces of stuff. But basically, my childhood is kind of a big mystery. I look through a photo album when I invent stories about the pictures. You know, he gives me an address, and I'm like, that was my favorite Uber address. I don't know, I just made that up. And there's people asking, you know, I go through the photo album, and they go, oh, what a cute little picture.
And I'm like, yes, that was my favorite Uber address. And I don't know, it's a Jussie Bieber song, but I don't know. I don't remember. And maybe it'll come back to me, maybe it won't. So I went ahead, they diagnosed me with depression and all that. And I went ahead and got out of the hospital, and I went back to work. And I had a new lease on life. And I would get up in the morning, and I was incapable of meditating.
Every time I tried to meditate, I would concentrate on the pineal eye, the white dots, the focus. And I would sit on the floor, and I got into this Hindi sitting, you know, thing. And I'd try to do the mmm, and I tried all those things. And I'd start snoring. I'd fall asleep. I just couldn't do it. And my spouse would come in crying hard enough. And people would tell me I needed to. So what I came up with was I would walk from one hour in the morning from 4 to 5 o'clock, 5 to 6 o'clock, you know, when the weather would change or the hours would change, in the park with my three Rottweilers.
And I had moved Englewood because I was living in an area that was not really safe. There were people that were shot and killed in the park. I found dead bodies in the park and never, you know, I got sober and clean, but I just didn't get everything. I would walk in that park with those dogs, and that was my meditation. I would walk. I would do five miles every morning, and that was my communion with God.
And then I would go to work, and I would go to meetings, and I would do the same. I decided at 8 a.m. this Friday that I needed a city, and I was going to move to a country where I was going to live a good life. And so I quit my job, and I became a pig farmer. And, uh, okay, you laugh. It makes sense to me. And it still does. So I bought a ranch in Norco, and I rented a house out there. I had an Inglewood, and I raised pot-bellied pigs.
And I call it Palomino's Ranch. And I raised Scottish birds and pot-bellied pigs, and I love it. And I got sexually harassed at work, and I fought them, and they put me out on disability. And so I stayed with the pigs for a while and built a business, and then I went back to work. And I've been working at the job, and I got a boss I didn't like, and he didn't like me. I'm not a good poker face. I'm real transparent.
[00:50:00]
I sit in the meetings, and he says, la-da-da-da, and I'm like, bullshit. Bullshit. You know, and everyone else in the room knows politics. And they smile, and they leave the office, and they go tell someone else who won't get it back to the boss that he's an idiot, and they do things like that. I don't. I sit in the meetings disgusted. I grunt. I snort. I fall asleep in the meetings, you know, and the guy hates my guts, and how dare he.
Doesn't he know what a spiritual giant I am, and if he would just act better. And, you know, and then I get into his Cuban, and I get into that he's macho, and it has nothing to do with it. Because I'm just an idiot. But that's my opinion. And unfortunately, I share it with everybody because I'm still rigorously honest, and I can use this program as such a weapon, and the only person I end up really injuring is myself when I do it that way.
That is not what this program is for. The amended step, I want to go back and say, I'm so sorry I got in a relationship with you. I didn't like you. It was just a drug, and I'm sorry. You know, that's not amend. Bullshit. And so I'm working on that. I went ahead and got a new friend when I moved to Newark, though, and she was a little odd, but I like odd people. I relate to them, and they relate to me.
And she had noticed that I was not off a lot, and I had a lot of car accidents, and I got tickets for changing lanes illegally. In other words, I was asleep on the freeway and went across three lanes of traffic in front of a highway patrolman, and he didn't understand I was tired, and he said I was supposed to pull off to the side of the road, and I didn't have no one that was going to hit me, and I didn't understand, and I fought the tickets in court and lost, and I was just terrible.
So a message lay, and she was real odd. She seemed a little hyper to me, and she finally ended up telling me. She said, I think you have narcolepsy. And I was like, yeah, right. And she said, well, I have narcolepsy, and I have to take rid of it. And I was like, ah-ha. That's what this is all about. That's why she's so seizing. And that's what, you know, the thing is. And dammit, there I go again. They either are clean, sober, or they're using.
I just never can find a normal person. And I got sick and tired of the things that were happening to me, and I basically got back in the corner, and I finally just said to hell with it. And I said, per you, I will go and have the police study. And I went and had the police study, and sure as shit, I'm narcoleptic. And it's what I've got. And so the treatment is Ritalin. It's 20 milligrams a day, and I'm supposed to take it as needed.
I sat in the office and laughed at the doctor. I'm like, right. You know, when you're feeling a little tired or like you're kind of, you know, feeling a little down, just take one of these. And I'm like, you don't understand. I'm an alcoholic addict. You know, I'm going to end up taking these things all the time. I'm going to end up, well, you'll see me in one month, and I'll be at 220 milligrams a day.
And tell him, I'm still a little tired, doc. I'm fat, but I'm tired. And he told me, he said, you know, this is, you don't have a diagnosis. This is not good. You need to take this medication. And so I was like, okay, a little compromise. What I'll do is I'll drive to work. I'll take 5 milligrams 40 minutes before I go to work. I'll drive to work, and then it will wear off, and then I'll take 5 milligrams 40 minutes before I come home, and I'll drive back home, and that way I can still keep my license.
So that would be okay. And so that was the deal we made, and that was what I did. And I hated it. God, I hated it. And here I thought, you know, if I could ever get a pre-high, how cool is this? And I hated it. It all came back. I get that jaw-tightening feeling, and my eyes would feel like those bears with the lumps in them, and I'd blink a lot, and I'd be nervous, and I'd be sure everyone in the room was looking at me or that I had DO, or I was sweating and you could tell, or I was nervous, or I was doing this thing with my foot again, and I would twitch, you know, the eye would do this thing,
[00:55:01]
and I'd be so worried about it doing it that it would do it because I was worried about it doing it, and I went into the home base one day, and it all of a sudden hit me, and I'm standing in the aisles, and it's all the different hardware features, and everything's too bright, and I just went back to the doctor, and I said, This is not working. This is just not working. I cannot stand it. I hate this.
And he said that there was something else that we could try, and so I went ahead, and I tried back-up that, I don't know, inserted a bead, and it's not supposed to do that, and so I went ahead, and I tried that, and it seemed to work a little bit better, and I developed cataplexy, which is where you're standing in line at the bank, and you collapse on the ground, and everybody runs up and goes, Are you okay?
And I'm like, I'm fine. I'm just laying on the ground. I passed out. So, you know, it hasn't been good, and two weeks ago, the problem stopped, because I laid off at work, and how dare they, after 11 years of faithful service, and it was this son-of-a-bitch that died. He was out to get me, and he laid me off. So I've got to put a case against them, the Department of Welfare and Housing and Employment, and the whole thing, and it's discrimination, and I'm going to do it, and we'll wait and see what happens, and I filled out all the paperwork, and now I'm at my ranch, and I'm raising my kids full-time, and I don't take any medication, and when I get tired, I have to go in and lay down, and sometimes I'm talking to somebody, and I get tired, and I lay down where I am, and they wake me up, and I go in and go to bed, and I ride a horse, and I don't drive, and kind of the way it goes.
It's been a gift. I moved out to this place, and I moved out to the country because I'm sick and tired of the drugs in the city and the addicts and all those idiot people and getting robbed and being afraid, and so I moved to a country where it would be better, and I live on the corner, and the guy next door ran a heroin shooting gallery, and the guy on the other side had a crystal meth lab or whatever, and he shipped it out in car parts because that's what his father did with car parts, and the people next to them had kids.
Oh, no, there was a junkyard, and that guy sold the crystal meth to the guy that shipped the stuff in the parts, and then the family next to him used and the kids were maniacs, and then the guy next to him was a humble, kind of good car builder, a flash pot thrower, horticulturist, and he's down here drying out or whatever, and the next side there was a family, and I just, it was like I moved to Sodom and Gomorrah, and the kids come down, and they come down to play with my pigs, and I'm going through my childhood now.
When I grew up, I was the oldest of seven, and I took care of everybody, so I was born an adult, and now I'm a kid, and so the kids come, and they play with me, and I play with them, and then we make angel food cakes, and we fill them up, and they come out an inch high, and they weigh three pounds, and that's because we grease the pan, and then we try to follow the instructions, and then this time, we decided not to use the flour mixer because it was broken, so the kids put the flour and the powdered sugar back and forth, and it came out an inch and a half high, and it only weighed two and a half pounds, and the fourth one we made within a 24-hour period came out perfect, and so that's the birthday cake for a friend of mine who's five years, and the kids and I clapped and applauded, but these kids come over after school.
They have to do their homework if they come down to my ranch, and they like doing that, and I always wanted kids, but I haven't been able to spend 10 minutes in a relationship and do that, so what I've gotten is I've gotten other people to throw away children, and they come down, and they help me with the ranch, and we clean up the pig poop together and pet the pigs and bake pastries, and next year, we're gonna learn how to do jams and jellies, so we planted the seeds this year, and we'll collect the fruit next year, I've already got 47 cases of the drug. I'm ready.
I buy them at garage sales. I've never canned a thing in my life. If you put a gun to my head right now and said, Chris, how do you do it, it will kill you, beat the hell out of me. But I am going to do it. So, could I come over?
[01:00:19]
I'm an ex-alcoholic addict. You know, I used to drink and use drugs, and people are like, No, our parents do that, but not you, not you. And I'm like, yeah, and I tell them a little bit of my story, and about humiliating things I've done behind the scenes in the media. And, you know, not the things that they can understand. And it's amazing what they can understand, though. I underestimate them constantly.
And for one day, one of the kids said, can I go with you? And I was like, sure, why not? Ask your parents, if your parents say you can go, you can go. Because that's always my out. That's why I can be so nice and good to them. Because the parents are like the meanies. Well, the parents wanted to go to Monday night football, and didn't want the kid to be with them anymore, because they go when they do what they do, and they don't really like to have the kid around.
So they went ahead and let the kid go with me. Well, then he pulled the other kid and thought, now I've got seven kids to go with me regularly to a meeting. So, and sometimes more. And there's some old parts, because this happens to be an AA meeting that I go to. Because in Norco, they have one AA meeting, and they have more bars than churches. And there's now nine of them, but that's the whole story.
And they just started this AA meeting down the street from me. So I can get to, yeah, it's like, cool, cool, cool. So I need to, I'll make, I'll take a commitment to it. Commitments have helped me. And I like to approach these commitments. It's something that I get there right on time, and I can leave right on time and do the commitment during the meeting. Those are the kinds I like. And I always get the pause.
That's important. So it's like very cool. And I got a down pat. Hi, my name's Leslie. I'm a treasurer. And, you know, our balance was such and such, and we collected such and such, and some such and such, and the balance was so and so. Thank you for letting me be of service. And everyone just thinks I'm cool. That's what I see this as being. So treasury is my favorite commitment. And so I go with the kids, and what ends up happening is they tell the other kids, and the other kids want to go and everything.
And the old part of this AA meeting, I'm like, why are you bringing these children? This is an AA meeting. These children have no reason to be here. And they talk behind my back instead of to my face. Why don't they practice a program? And so I hate them and I resent them, and then I have to turn it over and realize that that's how they feel. And I work through it, and I continue to bring the kids because the kids keep asking to go, and I keep saying, and whatever your parents say, and the parents are like, get their little boogers out of here so that we can have fun.
And it happened a few weeks ago. I was with Andrew, the 8-year-old, and Cassandra, who is 9, and Tricia, who's 6. And we walked into the meeting, and Andrew said, you know, I hate it when you have to be quiet sometimes. And Tricia said, well, you have to be quiet. She's a 6-year-old. Because this is a life and death program. And if my mother would do this, she would be able to live longer instead of doing drugs and drinking.
And one day, if I ever have a problem, I'll know what to say. And I broke down into a cry. And what ended up happening is the kids had been stealing the brochures off the back counter because it's an excuse. They come in, please go to the bathroom. You know, in the bathroom. And then, I need the cookies, and, you know, and can I have some hot chocolate? They're always getting them. And what they were doing was going to the back table and grabbing the brochures, and they loved the cartoons.
And they would take those and take them home, and they'd been putting them, and they got together and decided to put them under their parents' pillows. So, there's three people on the block now that are sober, and they go to community clubs. There's one lady who slips, and she's not talking to me right now. She's got a sponsor that lives next door to her that's a woman, and she understands her better.
And she's not an alcoholic or an addict, but they drink beer together and keep it under control. And she doesn't need to go to the meetings anymore, and her little son, Jack, told me last week. He said, you know, it was much better when Mommy went.
[01:05:03]
Maybe she'll go back. And I said, well, all you can do is pray. And so he took us to the AA meetings, and now the parents use it as punishment. It's been bad. They can't go to AA with me. It's unbelievable. Oh, way past time. I am so grateful, so grateful for the program, because who I am today is a product of what I've learned in these rooms. And thank God for all of it. And I've watched PA as well.
And you're no longer a place that slippers, because I was told don't go to any PA meetings when I was newly sober, because I would slip, because it's okay to slip in PA. But you know what? You don't have to. I did this thing one time. I went to a meeting. I went to a hospital. I went to a recovery hospital, and I just stopped. And I followed the program, and I didn't have to go out there and continue to beat myself up.
But getting sober was the hardest part, and I don't want to ever forget that, and I don't know that I have another one in me. So I take care of myself, and I value it. Sometimes I forget that there's always something that pulls me back. Push up and make a comment, like she did a few weeks ago when I started taking this program for granted. Because, you know, we come here, and we laugh, and we joke, and we tell funny stories, and I do some new bottomless stories, you know.
I did this, and, you know, and we laugh and we joke about it. And you see, this is life and death. I'm a dead person standing up here, and I'm alive. I didn't have a chance. I didn't have a chance in hell, but I had a chance in heaven. And it's been on earth, and it's been in the crossroads. I'm responsible for how I behave, not what I think, not how I feel. And thank God for that, because I have a pooping brain.
It is not my best friend. But it's starting to be a little better. This program's taught me to let go, and not to listen so much to those voices in there that tell me the crazy things. They do. And I act a lot better on the outside than I am in on the inside. But you know what? That's what counts. On the inside, I'm working on it. And I like who I am today. I can look in the mirror, and I can say, I like you, I love you, I accept you.
And when I've done my four or seven, my sponsor asked me to do it, I said, That's too good to be true. I couldn't do it. But I can do that today. And I'm just so grateful to be here. And yeah, who is a cocaine addict? Me. I'm an addict to absolutely anything. And the chocolate's wearing off, and so is the coffee. So I think I'll finish my water and just sit down. Thank you. Thank you.