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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 870 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: bob-n-the-4th-step-at-recovery-in-the-rockies-ca-1993-archive-870.mp3 Duration: 01:16:29
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I'm an addict. Hi! I'm going to try not to use that thing because my wife is over there and she said don't you drown me out like Harold did from the last one. So if you can't hear, yell at me and I can get down, whoa, I can get down to Frankie. I can get down there and turn that shit off too. As most of you know that this is a workshop and I am a speaker and anything I say is my opinion and does not reflect the program of Cocaine Anonymous, A.M.
Which is very true and I really do want to say that because I hope that I do upset some of you and rattle some cages and make you think because I'm going to go home and if I can go and then have you going that's crazy motherfuckers, I win, you know, if I can make you think. The basis, you know, I don't want to get into me at all and I want you guys to stop me, I want you to yell at me. If you're comfortable raising hands, go ahead, but you don't have to, you can speak right out because I do think it might be a little different than what you've heard and if you don't understand, not that you have to believe as I believe, but if you don't understand what it is I'm saying, stop me.
Say, do you mean, and I'm probably going to say, mm-hmm, I really do. The whole idea of the four step has been really, in my opinion, by us, and this is, I celebrated 22 years sober on July 24th, so, you know, I've watched. Thank you! Yes! 22 fucking years, man! And that, no lithium, no Thorazine, no medication for wisdom teeth pulling, that's fucking sober for 22 years. My wife and I have a deal on that, unless I'm in shock, which I almost was in one accident when I really hurt my foot, unless I'm in shock, I get nothing, you know, I get nothing. Being the pussy that I am, I would take, you know, Dilaudid for an earache, and so, and I've managed not to do that.
And from all of it, and being in meetings all this time, having the same sponsor for the whole time, I guess when he dies I can get high, I don't know, that I've watched what we've all gone through, and it's been kind of neat to sit, remember there were no young people in this fucking program. There was only AA, they were all a bunch of old broke dick assholes, you know, who sat around, you know, with their yellow fingers, and yellow walls, and said if you get high again, if you go out and drink again, this jail's instituted to death, and they're like, fuck you, you know, I was only 28, I don't need to, you know, I don't need to be here, and they go, you're right, and as soon as they said that, then I knew I was going to stay.
They said I'd never make it, so I think I stayed sober in the beginning, just out of rebellion, you know, I would go to meetings just to shove it up their ass, sit there, still sober, you can think of that, you know, I really, thinking back, because I was like, even though 28 doesn't seem old, I still don't feel older than 29, so, you know, I still go to meetings feeling like a kid, and I felt like the little kid in the program.
But it did give me a chance to really sit back and watch, and it was so neat when young people started coming in, and then N.A. came, and C.A. came, and, you know, we started having our own conventions, and it was just wonderful, it was like now I could actually say I was an addict, before you couldn't say that. It was real tough, they really looked down on us, you know, of course, we look down on them, we needed $300 a day, they needed three for their fucking ripples, so, you know, we were elite anyways, you know, it took me a year sober to say that I was an alcoholic, so to say that I was really working on, being an addict, dope being was okay, but alcoholic, you know, on the street now, so when I say it was not easy for me to look at myself, when it was not easy for me to get into my own past, I wasn't kidding, that, you know, by the time I got down to it, there were seven people that I knew no longer lived because of me, I knew, and after doing time in state penitentiaries, and ending up in federal penitentiary in Lexington, I knew that the white folks finally got me, you know, and of course I still blame them.
So I wouldn't even look at me then, it was, I call it the white folks did it to me syndrome, you know, it was somebody else's fault for anything that ever happened to me, it was because I was Roman Catholic, it was because of something, certainly not me because I'm such a nice person, you know, it had to be these outside forces that made all this happen to me.
[00:05:02]
The time to look at ourselves, so what I saw happen for myself and over time, you would hear people, and we hear people all the time, they'll say, have you noticed Jim lately? Yeah, you know, Davenport's okay, but he's, start doing inventory, and we'd all go, ooh, or, you're not, you seem to be a bit fucked up, time you do an inventory, inventory, ooh, you know, we got this thing, and newcomers come in going, what the fuck is that?
Inventory, what, what, what is it in, what are you talking about? You know, they're like, I mean, we're so full of fear and paranoia anyway, people say, oh, what do you get for your inventory, you get the inventory, but I'm never going to fucking get there, three is going to be it, I'll do fine with just these three, and we get this fear built up, and I think we kind of enjoyed it the way some women enjoy scaring other women about having babies, you know?
Where do you do it yourself? You think it's fun, you want to practice, grab your lower lip and pull it up over your head, that'll give you a goddamn idea, you know, all that shit, you know, so, so it was, and I saw how we treated inventories a whole lot like that. Now, everybody said, no, we really don't, come on, get real, you know, I'll tell you when it's time to do an inventory, you know, that kind of shit, you know, we've all heard that, I think you're going to, it's time for you to get working on inventory, I think you need to do some writing, you hear all that.
Let's try to change this a little bit, at least for us, and please take it back. This is a fucking treasure hunt, folks. This is a treasure hunt. What are we looking for? We're going to find those things, those things that are keeping us from being who we can be. Aren't they not treasures? Shouldn't we embrace them? I mean, come on, what, do you think you're fucking perfect? We all have our shit to deal with, you know, and it's just like, okay, let me find out what snake holes I slept next to and got bit so I don't do that again. That's all we're trying to find out, you know, people get real tied into this thing as being this negative thing. What do you think, what do you think you're going to uncover, this rapist or this murderer? You know, well, I already am a murderer, I knew that.
What am I going to do, I'm going to have to look at it? Good fucking idea. You know, good idea. How about when I find out I liked it? When I find out that that power was something that I got off to. Now I got something to work on, don't I? See, we got, we have this problem, Jim and I were talking, we have this problem with how we think about our own past, what happened before we started using, before we ever picked up, and then what happened after we did, and we have all these stories, you know, and there are these people we see, the professionals in our program, they're just a trip, they come in with this bag full of fucking shit, right?
They come into a meeting and they say, would you like to share? They go, yeah. And they bring this bag out and they open it up and they go, look, my father fucked me, abugabugabugabu, and everybody goes, ooh, and look at her, got beat up, and ooh. And then when they get us all crying and shit, they pick it all up and put it back in the sack, and put it on her shoulder for the next meeting. You know, let me do this again.
You know, and it's like, how long, how long do we sit back and say that's okay? You know, how long are we not going to stand up and say, wait a fucking, why don't you leave it out here on the floor? We got it now, going home without it. You're going to be okay. But we won't do that for people, you know, because we know that we all hold on to something ourselves. So when we listen, we can relate. You know, I relate to, you know, to this day. What does it mean, 22 years sober? Things are perfect. Get the fuck out of town.
You know, when that happens, we'll have the meeting by the pool, and I'll walk across the motherfucker for you. We ain't there. You know, I'm still trying to figure out a lot of shit, but I'm having fun. You know, I've done three formal inventories, and I enjoyed the last two, once I realized that they were treasure hunting. Once I began to understand, I needed to look at some things. I needed to look at, like, how did Bob deal with this shit that went down? This was just shit that went down, created by me or others. What did I do with it? You know, what chances, what we were talking about, you know, we got to think, you know, everybody in here would love to think that, or many of us would like to think we're victims. Folks, there ain't no victims, just volunteers. Okay, that's all. Just volunteers.
And we'd love to, though, but let's take a kid born of a teenage, unwed, black mother in the ghetto. What chances does that kid have of achieving? That's Jesse Jackson. Now, I might think politically he's an asshole, but if we think about what he, how he reacted to how he was reared, what we can say is Jesse reacted positively to his rearing, didn't he? He took whatever pieces were there, and somehow, man, found that one, maybe the mailman, who the fuck knows, something, some positive male figure in his life.
[00:10:23]
Maybe it was from church, maybe it was a grandmother, maybe it was a female figure. Someplace he got an understanding he was worth something. That's what he took out of it. That's the part he chose to take from his rearing. And what he did with it was incredible. When you think about that, and you think about us, you know, then you say, Jesus, I don't even know if I have the right to be fucked up. Certainly, you know, if you put it in that perspective, you think, oh, okay, so then what I'm interested in is that we start looking at something completely different. Jim, I just wanted to write this, and I won't ask you to write it again. I reacted negatively to my rearing. Okay? That's it.
That's it. Yeah, please. Yeah, you can too. I just had to make him write it because we had talked. I reacted negatively to my rearing. Yeah, because what happens, all of us have the same, we're dealt a hand. Okay, let's say, you guys play poker? No. You got, you have a jack, an eight, a three, a king. Yeah, and a four. Okay, you got two aces, two eights, and a five. Who has the best hand? This is draw poker. You do, right? Five cards, best five. Okay, who has a chance for the best hand?
He does. Is he going to throw away? Best he can do is three aces and two eights. A little straight flush. He's got a chance for the best hand. So, once you get your cards, it's really how you play them, isn't it? Bring in a little bit of luck, some spirit drafts. How are you going to play your hand? That's the best. What are you going to do? Have the balls to throw away a pair of eights and go, I think I'll go for four aces. I don't believe most of us wouldn't do that, you know?
I doubt if we would. I've known a few, you know, schizoids in my life that did that. In most cases, you know, unless we put one quarter in the goddamn poker machine in Vegas. Maybe for a quarter we'll go for the four aces. But, other than that, we're going to hold those two eights and take the winning hand. But, you got the best chance for the best hand. It is time to draw. Now, you're in charge. Now, you're in charge. So, we reached out the hand. We want to take a little time. You write down what the hand was. Sure. Sure, that's real important. I mean, you have to have something to base everything on, don't we? So, you put that. But, to really get into it, I tell you, I listen to a lot of inventories. I really don't give a fuck. I don't remember any of them. All I want to know is, what did you do with that?
Cool. What did you, you know, it's like Sunday. When I talk Sunday, it will be a spiritual talk. There's part of that, though, that really explains it. It doesn't sound real spiritual when I talk about it. But, I was a real Roman Catholic. And, when I was 12 years old, I was serving, I was an altar boy, serving mass. And, I was molested by the priest. You know? And, everybody said, boy, you must really have issues to deal with. Not really. I liked it, personally. You know?
I mean, I was just a guy going day to day, who wants to serve six o'clock mass? Hell, we all called him dick breath. I knew dick breath was the priest. I went, great, I'll serve. It's cool, you know? All I did was like it. But, it gave me a very strange idea of who God was when His representative was giving me head. You know, you get a weird idea of who God might be in this whole thing. I didn't deal with any real issues, because it never really bothered me. The only thing I can ever say I did with Him, at one point, I did lock Him in the safe. They have full safes, you know, for the ostensorium and the saboreum and all the bullshit gold that we weren't allowed to touch, because we were human and only, I don't know, any Catholics in the room? A couple, right? We couldn't touch that shit, you know?
And He was in there getting something. I locked Him in. I didn't relate it to what I was feeling or anything. All I thought was it was a prank. I kept Him there for a couple of hours. Poor little son of a bitch. By the time we let Him out of there, He was sweating and wrecking the corner and crying and shit, you know? And we just thought it was funny. Got in a lot of trouble. But as I look back I think okay I'm sure there was something going on with with you know how I felt about Dick Press You know it had something to do with that That's what we called him So so what what to me is real important is like what are my emotions in this whole thing You know as as it goes down and
[00:15:00]
as I take a look and I see what hand I'm dealt how did I react to it all You know what were the things that got me emotional Me it was all fear It was all mine 99 of everything I reacted was fear Pure fear As I got a little older I turned the fear to rage You know and those two because to me I look at at anger being being a byproduct of either pain or fear You know it's just not a feeling in itself It's a byproduct of I'm either hurt or I'm afraid And here I come Out I come I through through my years of being willing to speak out I ended up I was on 60 Minutes if any of you remember that in 79 And Dan Rather just tore me apart You know absolutely fucking raped my ass And I I tried for about three days to be a victim till I realized that I gave him everything What do people like us do When when I get afraid I don't shut up I get aggressive I gave him everything he wanted to hear I gave him enough stuff When he decided to cut that tape up boy he had everything he wanted Do you get me Did he did he explain me wrong Did he show me wrong to the world Hell yeah That's his job which I expected him to do You know And what and what was our job Did y all anybody see The Crying Game The movie The Crying Game had a cute story in it that we need to all hold on to and not forget You know it was the story of the of the um the frog and the what's the little Scorpion And and the scorpion wanted to get across the river and he asked the frog would you take me across Y all remember Did y all see it Some of you didn't And he asked me to take you across the river And the frog said you're fucking crazy I'll get you across you're gonna sting me He killed my aunt I said why would I do that I can't we'll both die You know we've got to get across the river and just good point Okay halfway across the river he feels this pain through his back shoot all through his body and they're drowning and he's thugging him and he turned around and said why did you do that to me We're both going to drown This is where he said sorry it's my nature You know And we have to we have to put in perspective who we were what we are Earlier today y all missed an incredible incredible talk with Howard on why therapy Because what we talked about was the addictive personality The chemicals were what almost a byproduct of that would you say Howard About that isn't it It breaks down that way And what's the nature of our addiction Jesus it was everything you mentioned Irresponsibility What did you say You're like you went blah blah blah in my head fear it was like really unable to cope You just named them all And you just did it quick Maybe you're already past it you know and you're out of your head I forget what they are But the point is we have a nature Now we're supposed to take a look and go then who am I Well this was our nature You know this was this had a lot to do with who we were Then this is what see what'd you do Well let me write about it Now we're not talking about this is not a therapeutic program That's what he does Okay All we've got to do you see it's one step out of 12 here A lot of spirituality in it although nobody wants to buy that And it says give us an idea What are your MOs What'd you do Oh how'd you react to the family stuff Wow you got some weird MOs huh Yeah Okay Well here's you know and then as you move basically well in order to stay afloat in order to stay afloat you got some men's to make Now let's make a you know maybe we need a little list When I do an inventory of people while they're talking I'm making them a list I don't make they say when you get down to it here's some names on that list You may have some more but I picked up a few on the way listening to you And usually when we get through and see it's not the big you know two kind of people end up in this process That one group of folks that come in and they start talking about a man They go Jesus they're so egoed out that they think anyone this is me anyone they ever came in contact with in their whole life they'd destroy their life They all went to men That's me Oh I just wrecked everybody's life I mean I have that much power over people That's what I thought The other the other group come in and you start talking to men They say a man anybody I fucked was bent over You know what I'm talking about They're the two ends You know when it breaks down the list you have a real big family Most of the people I worked with had like seven or eight real amends to make
[00:20:00]
Bigger families meant more if they were older maybe some more employees or ex wives which got into a lot seven or eight Serious amends because you're not into all the others that now we're just trying to stay afloat We're going trust me you go back through you see some other stuff Just trying to stay afloat That's what we're after You know the idea is to be happy This is not a program See if I don't get high every day I'm in trouble Yeah I got to get high every day I got and getting high today is fun what is getting high today We all know what it is Most of us have already done it today You know It's sitting in Lenny's man talking to some newcomer and like you thought it was 15 minutes went by and you go Jesus Christ an Hour and a half my wife's gonna kill me Well you were getting loaded Yeah you know it just went like that We were getting high We were in love We were being loved We were enjoying We were someplace else we were where we always had to use chemicals to get to You know just to transcend and to feel good Why the hell are we doing program It's a selfish goddamn program you know Sitting down and talking with with anybody with Jim or anybody I ain't gonna talk to it for Jim's sake Hell I'm gonna get high And if I can't have fun I'm gonna go shoot those cuz I love to shoot those I love to shoot those You know so if I can't get high every day doing this and if this ain't better I'm going back out 22 years ain't shit Y all know that date of time It's today It's we're all here today I'll go back out Today's great Hell I got my Platinum American Express card shit I can run six months for the White Post won't find me You know I can go now man I Can go Okay So what am I doing here so far It's still more fun That's all So far it's still more fun the day it's not I go out So I gotta have fun and every time involved it how you you you nailed my ass I'm maybe I've grown a year Maybe I'm 19 mostly maybe you know if I'm lucky I'm 19 He does he made a sit down and do do a thing with numbers to tell us where we were at He just whacked my ass and my started with 16 when I started shooting arrow you know it's just whacked me man And when we look at it all we can we can understand oh this is what I did now What do I want to do Do I want to sit down with my inventory and go and go to the whole Let's just discuss our feelings This ain't gonna happen First of all I'm never going to be I may have a fucking ponytail but it's because that's all that's left Okay I'm never going to be a man of the 90s I it ain't my wife says let's we need to share some feelings My immediate feeling is you want to talk feelings How does it feel to have a fucking roof over your head Just talk about how's it feel I've meals on the fucking we'll talk feelings That's what I think It's automatic and I have to go shut up There's that book out and That's how we think I can't help it when when you come I went from work and Joy's sitting over there talking now and as she's sitting at the table a little careful and she goes God it's been a terrible day the dishwasher's broken the air conditioner's been out all day now the guy in his room if you think about what you would do let's get real honest you would say did you check the breakers Is that a bad rule Isn't that what you think Did you check the circuit breaker She doesn't give a fuck if it's fixed She wants me to acknowledge the fact that her day's been real tough She wants me to sit down with her and share feelings I'm a problem solver That's who I am by nature I'm just going to get up and start fixing So she's sitting there right and she just told me and I go oh cool and I go well did you check I know what's wrong with the dishwasher okay because I saw it leaking last week I can figure did you check the circuit breaker for now immediately she's fucked up She doesn't even know why She's pissed off She can't really say anything to me because I'm going to fix this shit And she did tell me it was broken didn't she There you go But that's what I figured my role is you know She wants it to be that after I sit and acknowledge and validate her feelings So I've had to learn to play the game Folks I still play Oops she wants me to sit so I'll sit The guy's been a bitch huh I figure I stay as long as I can stand it because I want to check the circuit breaker When when men when asshole men like
[00:25:00]
me get into inventory we just want to fix We just don't it's our feelings man you know just let's get this fixed What do I have to do What do I have to write Okay. And then what? That's what… I want to get through this motherfucker, okay? This is not a place to stop over here. This is… I've got to go. So I sit down. And of course, my first inventory, I looked like John fucking Wayne when I got done.
It was the sweetest story. Untrue, but it was just… And after reading it to my sponsor, I had to go back and do another one. The first line was, I lied through this whole fucking inventory. The only thing I didn't do… And this is another little thing to just make a note of the serious shit that I will talk about. We'll get serious. Is do not decide who you're going to read your inventory to when you're writing.
You don't have to do it to your sponsor. Therapists are great. I love… In L.A., they have a neat… Even though I'm no longer a Roman Catholic, the Jesuits have a great monastery outside L.A. And it's great to go up for three days, do some writing, talk to the guys. They're fun anyway because they wear dresses, too, like I used to. So, you know, I can talk to them, you know, and they understand, you know.
And they're brilliant men. And it doesn't have to be to somebody particular. We don't have to do that. And if you think of them in advance, my sponsor happens to be an Episcopal priest. So when I'm writing my inventory and I got into the time when I lived in Philly and was seeing how dresses looked on me, I wouldn't have talked to him about that shit. Because I figured, you know, he ain't going to understand.
You know, Charlie was not going to understand that game. You know, I went through about a year when it was like, so what am I? You know, I went through a year of trying to figure out, you know, because I didn't ask. I'd have fucked a rock if I thought a snake was under it. I didn't ask it sex. You know, it didn't matter to me. You know? Hell, I still want to fuck Mick Jagger. So what, you know, what does that mean?
That's a feeling. What am I supposed to go into fucking therapy because I want to fuck Mick Jagger? Jesus Christ. I just look at it and go, man, you're still fucking nuts, and I move on. If we ever get a chance, no, no. If he ever slows down long enough. But the point is, with me, it's like some of the feelings I just have no problem with at all. Like all of that. I'm aware of what I feel based on my own experiences, those kinds of feelings.
And when we're talking about shit that you're going to have to deal with, how much you're going to deal with in inventory, you said it perfect today. It's like, yeah, you're going to have to deal with some of it, but we're not talking about, you know, what are you going to expect to get out of sitting down and doing 340 pages on an inventory, okay, to talk about what terrible things people did to you and how you were so victimized.
Tell me. Tell me what you're going to gain. You know, do you really think this is going to end it? Is that what you think? Did somebody tell you some magical fucking trip is going to go down here? Well, I hate to burst some bubbles, but that dog won't hunt. It's going to take you, when it comes time to deal with anything like that, if you're holding onto it, it's going to take time to take the pinpointed situation that happened to be bothering you today and go see the man.
You may be real, I was thinking when you were talking, you said you can't take this shit to the sponsor. You may be, they're probably, well, you sponsor people, so they could, if they came to you, you wouldn't do it, what would you do? I'll see you in the office. So you're not going to do that, right? Okay, so, but that's the point. You know, I was thinking, now I'm sure there's some people around the country that are really good, who have been through those things themselves, who have found a great emotional and spiritual way out of it and how to deal with them, that as sponsors could be some assistance.
When actually what they're doing is therapy. Like this. I mean, what do we want from the sponsor? This program is to teach us how to live without having to ever pick up again. How to be happy and sober. Words that did not fit in the same paragraph when we crawled through these doors. And how that is done, in my opinion, that's my opinion, is that yeah I want to sit and do the treasure hunt, but I want to sit and I want to find out the way I reacted to some shit that happened to me. What was my MO? You know, because that's what I've got to change, obviously. You know, what I've really got to change is now when
[00:30:02]
I get mad at people, I cannot surgically remove them from me. You know, that's not cool. They don't look upon that well. You don't do that anymore. You know, they want to continue to lock my ass up when they do that, and call me crazy, and put me on soresies. You know, so I can't do, I've got to change that. Well, that's an obvious one, but there are a whole lot of other ones, like giving Dan Rather a shot at me.
When I get afraid, I don't want to get aggressive. You know, but that's what I did with him. So, when I reached that, I had ten years sober. No, I didn't. How long did I have? Seventy-nine. Eight years sober. I guess I didn't do too bad with him. I didn't kill him, you know. So, I didn't do too bad, but I didn't handle myself well at all, and I let him win. And I let him win because I was afraid, and I didn't know how to deal with that fear.
I didn't know what to do with that feeling. So, when we're doing an inventory, we're really going to find the treasure hunting. Jesus, it's so easy. What are you after? You're after to feel good. That's why we're doing, every step is set up for you to feel good. Not bad. You know, long-faced program people, it's like New York fucking AA. I hate New York AA. Motherfuckers walk around like they got to jump through hoops of fire to stay sober.
Fuck it, I'll go get high. I don't need that shit. At least when I'm getting high, I get a little bit of good time. In New York, it's like, yes, I'm sober another day. It's just a day at a time. I spoke to my sponsor and my agent today. You know, it's like, they're just crazy people. And I'm like, why do you stay? Fireside meeting. They're at New York, guaranteed a fireside meeting. Jesus, I want to go eat a gun barrel or shoot dope when I leave there.
These motherfuckers, why are they sober? A guy gives a whole talk, and when they start sharing around the room, and it was good. You know, it was where he was, what happened, where he was now. Kind of the quick where you do it, where you have a speaker discussion group. Anybody in the room related to his pain. Not one person related to his recovery. You know, nothing positive about, I relate to your pain.
I'm like, jeez, you know, I don't relate to this fucking meeting. This is my problem. You know, I got to laugh, I got to have fun. So the whole idea, think of the first big X, the first great treasure we found. Finally we admitted we were alcoholics, we were addicts. Remember the relief, man, remember? Oh, no wonder I did that shit. I'm fucked up over here. I thought I was having fun. I didn't know, you know.
I used to tell people, how many, did we all not? Look, I could quit that shit if I wanted to. I didn't know that it was the deal, and there was such a relief. Jesus, remember that first pink cloud? Just that freedom, that fuck, that was the treasure you found. Each one can be like that. Each time you find one of these treasures, man, it means something. You're not, like, you just go, holy shit, look at here.
Goodness, okay, you mean I'm that narcissistic? Am I really? Am I really that self-centered? Jesus, I can't believe it. You know, and then we bring it out, we get a chance to look at it, because we can see from how we dealt with things. That's the big X on the ground. It tells us something about it. Boy, the character defects, that's why I don't like that word. I like treasures. They're treasures. You know?
I mean, they're the things that are going to help us continue to be happy and sober. Really, really happy and have fun. So, to me, it's like, I've got to get rid of that shit. I've got to move that shit out. How do I do that? Well, I'm going to go to my sponsor or to somebody that I hadn't previously picked. I'm going to dump all this shit. I'm going to go, look, and I did, and do all this. He's going to laugh with me.
He's going to cry with me. He's going to do whatever it is. By the way, I, too, don't believe that males should sponsor females or vice versa. I believe that, like, we're looking for as much in common as possible. To me, that's, like, not the place to start. You know? It just doesn't seem to work. Because it's kind of like, well, now that we've shared this much, can I poke it? You know? I mean, we've done everything else.
Hell, I know everything about you. May as well poke you, too. You know? You know? So, I don't like the idea. Yeah, yes. Hmm. So, you know, it's so difficult for us to get to a place to say that this is going to be good for us. Because we're afraid of ourselves. I mean, don't you already know all this shit? I mean, it is you. You know? We're scared to death of ourselves. So, what we need to do through this, in my opinion, is that this is all it really has to take.
[00:35:02]
You know, we go through this, and we do come out with a list of some people we've hurt. I'm not supposed to get into all the amends, but when you get down there, don't get all fucked up by that. You know, all you've got to do is go treat them like normal people. Your job is going not to say, listen, a couple years ago, I really hit my bottom. I got sober. It's not even tough. But, by the way, I'm sorry for what I did to you.
And what the fuck are they going to say? Cool. You know? You know? You know, a real amend, man, you should go straight in. You know? Handle it straight up and say, look, I fucked you over. You know? Can I make this up financially or personally? What do I need to do? That's all. You don't go into your goddamn life about it. You know? It's like, are we not supposed to now deal with life when life turns?
Do you really think you're going to gain? What are you supposed to gain out of doing it that way? You do what Craig did. You go in and you go, what wrongs do I have to right? Isn't that what you did? You went into, that's all you do. You know? Of course you were scared. But, God, didn't we learn, like, by this time now, you had gone through the thing, and you knew, oh, well, I know what this is now.
That's the difference. It's not that it's all going to be taken care of now. If you were unable to do that, you got to go see that man against the wall. If you had finished your inventory, and this shit is still a major piece, and you'd, there he is. Therapists have a place. Now, you go to one, though, with a pinpointed situation. Look, I got this deal. Can you help me with this deal? Yeah, and then they get you and go, well, you know, I really think this has to do with, hello in there, I really think that this has to do with the trouble with your father.
You go, get the fuck out of town. I want to deal with this thing here. You know? Not all it is. I don't want to get into all that. Okay? You go in with a situation, and what do you say if they don't straighten it out prior there, motherfucker? You're paying them. They don't pay you. This is not a friendship here. You know, they have a job to do. Just like your financial advisor. You know, you go to an accountant, because we don't know how to do that shit well.
I don't. You know, now if you did that for a living, but if you were drunk, maybe you still need an accountant to handle your own. You know? We see enough other therapists that need therapy. Don't we? And enough of them end up in these doors. Right? So, like, we all need, you know, at times, we can take advantage of that. But if you're sitting in therapy for years and years and years, with the same person, and you're still in the same spot, get the fuck out and find somebody else.
And realize you've become addicted, too, in this situation. And they're getting their mortgage paid for. Why shouldn't they talk to you? Right? So, don't get caught up in any of that shit. You know? So, what you're supposed to do then, that's the place to handle that really heavy shit. AA, CA, NA, any of our recovery groups, and I claim this one now, I can go to AA meetings, and I can get, I can discover and be reminded of what condition my condition's in.
No doubt about it. I can go and I can get something out of it. I'm really interested in laughing and having fun. Okay? There are too many people that I find today in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, just to go straight to, that they're so fucking anal retentive you'd need a goddamn crane to get a pin out of their ass. I need people who can lighten up about this thing. Let's have some fun. I mean, Jesus, I've got to have fun or I'm going to get high.
So, I've really, I've just taken on, lucky to be around when CA started, and I've just taken on as my program too. This is my program. They're all there for me, but what I gain in the meetings I'm excited to go to are CA meetings. You know? I'll go to an AA meeting, I can be excited to see certain people that don't go to CA, and I, you know, and I know if I have certain speakers and different deals, and I have a couple meetings in town, but I'm very seldom in my own hometown, so I go to most of my meetings on the road.
And I love it when I'm in the city. It's got good CA. I'm just turned out, you know? And I enjoy them. Why do I enjoy them? Because they're fun. Because it's usually a bunch of assholes like me, you know, who are interested in transcending, you know, of the daily drudgery. We know we have to deal with life when life turns, but there's got to be someplace I can go and laugh and joke. I find it here.
So when we get down to, finally we can talk about this step in a way that I think is really right on. I really believe every step is set up there for you to be happy and to have fun with. I don't believe they're made for you to jump through hoops of fire. It's like the long-faced Christian. Boy, great advertising for Christianity, right? Don't you just want to be like them? I mean, don't you want what they got?
Jesus! Well, this program's the same thing. You know, it really is a program of attraction. And it's a program because you know it is attractive and you know it is great. So don't put this on yourself
[00:40:01]
and look forward to getting that inventory done. You know, because it's a treasure hunt. So if you're in the middle of it, throw some questions. Anybody made anything I said so far? Come on. Somebody's got to be upset. No? I don't believe. You're going to talk about me when you leave, aren't you? You really are. Huh? Really. Really. Not unhappy with anything I had to say? Huh? I'm fucked up? Yeah, bro.
You were scratching. That was… Oh, wow. I thought… So… So when I sit down today and I have to look at something, it ends up a whole lot now… Yeah, of course a lot of it's a 10-step. And will I do another inventory? Hell yeah, I'm going to do another inventory. Why? Because I can be a sober asshole too. And they say, well, jeez, Bob, if you're working the rest of the staff, you're doing your maintenance, why would you need…
Because I'm a fucking fool. Because I'm going to still have great rational lives. Rational lives. See, I've got super rational lives. Even though I try to keep in touch, and I hit my knees, and I try to catch a quick look at myself each day, I'm going to miss shit, and I'm going to rationally lie to myself, and go, I don't need to make no amends to that fool. Right? It's his fault. I mean, what? You do three of them, so I still get on the freeway and some blue hair pulls in front of me in her fucking Cadillac.
I write her number down. I'm going to get her tomorrow. You know? I mean, that shit hasn't changed. You know? Christ, I didn't say I was well. You know? But I hope that I look at it nightly and go, me hand, you know, it's all good. It's so fucking out there. But what I do manage to do, as best I can, is I am handling the big stuff. I had some shrinks that worked for me, and I really created a scene with one and humiliated him terribly.
And I was going to fire him, and I did a whole deal. And I got home, and they had just done, because I have, it's really neat, they finally named a hospital unit after me, and it's really kind of cool down in Phoenix, and I do all the hiring and all the firing, and it's nothing but recovering people, so it's really kind of spraddle-esque. It's really kind of neat. Well, he was doing his job and wrote the script for one of them, and I fucking lost it, man.
You know? People don't come to me with drug problems. We'd be giving drugs. And I would say, if you can't handle this situation, you take the fucking dope. Don't give it to the kids. You know? And people don't come in here to change their goddamn sobriety dates. You know? What the fuck is wrong with you? Whose name's on this fucking center? Not yours, punk! That wasn't very nice. I didn't have to talk to him that way.
Of course, I went home, rationalized it, told him, did my goddamn Brent DeJoy. Let me tell you, you know what I said to him? Wasn't that cool? And he said, okay. I go, what? What? Did you talk to him? Did you say that? Did you call him a punk? Yeah! What? So, an hour later, I'm calling up and eating shit and saying, I fucked up. You know? I hope you forgive me. You know, you don't deserve to be talked to that way.
I made a clean amend. What do I need to do to make it up? Who else heard us? You know, his assistant was there and the hospital administrator. I did it right. I really got him. And, uh, he got me back this weekend. He called me and tried to quit. So, uh, that was the emergency during your talk Friday night. And, uh, at least I got him to stay for a couple weeks before I get down here and talk to him.
Because I do like him. You know? Uh, but, those amends I, I can make quickly when they're just those bigger deals. Because I think I'm a big deal. So, when they're the big deals, I'll clean them up. You know? Stuff gets by me, I'm going to have to sit down and write. Uh, I'll get away on the weekend. You know? I'll get up to, to the monastery or something and get with the guys and we'll have some fun.
There are pretty neat folks up there. And, and I'll do some writing and I'll sit with them and do some reading and get some things straightened out. I like, again, being the problem solver that I am. I do like to do it all on the weekend. I still want to do that. You know? Uh, mentally prepare. You know, I'll go through what I think I'm going to write about a week or so before, right? You know, you start running in your head to shit. And then I get up there and I really do some writing. Why do I think is that? Well, there's a whole other piece with all of this. I'm I'm taking for granted that everybody in this room really
[00:45:05]
loves who they are today. I mean, what the fuck are we doing here, man? We're here to celebrate the fact that we're sober and happy. I mean, isn't that this weekend? It's a, it's a fucking love-in, man, with all the people that we can trust with who we are, you know? We can show our ass here, we can be who we are here. Nobody has to play any games, and it's so wonderful to come and just be a part of it. That's why we're here. So, so then, I think, I'm saying to myself that, that everybody in this room today really loves who they are today. Right? Wouldn't you agree with that? Okay, now, if you love who you are today, you gotta love everything that got you here. I didn't say like. I said, you gotta love.
Because the slightest change that took place, maybe you wouldn't be here today. So, do you really want to change? I don't want to change. I just want to understand it. You know? I want to know how I can keep from, from sleeping next to those snake holes. Yeah. You know, I didn't like things that happened. But if, but if, if you're gonna love you today, you gotta love, love, not just accept. You gotta love everything that got you here, or we would not be here. It's a good chance. The slightest change would go, you know? And one of those things that we really want to be a victim about. The slightest change in that, we may not be here. That would really bother me. I don't know about y'all. Doesn't mean we wouldn't be sober, but would we be here? You know, would we get to hear, would we have gotten to hear Wanda? You know, would we have gotten to see her beautiful body? You know, would it have all been, would it have been the great time that it was? I think not. I think it took whatever the fuck it took. And here we are. Now, all we want to do is make sure that we understand what got us here. You know, I'd like to think I've got it easy because I think maybe reincarnation is the deal. See, reincarnation helps me a lot. That's just my own personal thing, because I believe that, that if that's the case, then I obviously made a contract with the spirits of my parents. So all they did was fulfill their part of the contract. You know, I got to look at my parents and go, they did exactly what I obviously wanted to do to bring me to a place that I could find y'all. Except this lifetime, I found you and I listened. You know, it's like, nobody ever explained it to me like that. And I finally heard you, you know, and I keep coming back just like you told me to do. But I had to get to that place to really love it and to look at it hard. Again, will I ever like it? I don't know if I ever liked Dick breath. You know, I have a different feel for him today. He was doing what he had to do to get over, man. Whatever it was, he had to get over. I just happened to be there. I was available. So what? I'm going to cripple my fucking life behind that shit? No, I don't have the time. You know, I just think there's too many neat things to happen and too many people to love and too much to do and too much to be a part of. Jesus, somebody was telling Ray was saying he's got a scrapbook of all the places he's been sober.
He's got pictures of them all. So when he really feels bad, he pulls out the book and takes a look. Jesus, we've all got like neat memories now. Isn't it wonderful? I mean, we've got good memories, real friends. God, it's incredible. This fucking program is incredible. How do you explain that each of us sitting here are a miracle? Well, we know it from within ourselves, but you know, I was outside a lady that went over there to talk to Joy. I've been married.
I had celebrated 22 years in July. I'll be married 22 years in November, November 6th. So I had three months sober when I got married. Nobody, nobody wanted us married, especially all the dudes that were sniffing around her in the program, you know, and I come right. Mr. Hip, slick and cool and just sweep her away, you know, and then they were all alcoholic, you know, that's them old anal retentive motherfuckers. And, you know, and so they were saying, don't marry that doping.
Sorry, son of a bitch. He was in Holmesburg. I was up there with you, partner, you know, and then Lexington, you know, he's crazy. He's not going to make it. You know, he still talks about liking to shoot people. He's out of his fucking mind. And you're going to. Well, my sponsor was so hyped. He was the only one. He was so hyped. He went out and bought a brand new dress when I'm saying a whole new outfit to marry us in.
You missed that one. I must have really fucked you up just then. He's a priest.
[00:50:01]
My sponsor is an Episcopal priest. So he went out and bought a new dress. What the fuck do you call it again? OK, but again, you know, the fucking dress, man. So and and just last week I was home for a couple of days, which was nice. And I got up. I happened to get up early. I'd been when the East Coast and my times were all fucked up. So I woke up at six thirty, which is really early for me. And joy wasn't up yet. But I went down to fix some coffee and sat down, looked outside and I heard the floor crack upstairs that she was getting up.
And I was like, truly excited just to see her. I was just excited because my joy was coming downstairs and she was away, you know, 22 years, man. It don't have to end. And to me, that's a miracle. I mean, Jesus said, yeah, I've never cheated on it. You know, guy cheats on his wife. He's a punk. That's it. I got no room in my life for sober people who cheat, you know. Figure this way, you know, you quack, you waddle, you're a duck, right?
You can't keep his dick in his pants. He's a punk. I won't sponsor him. I won't deal with him. I ain't got time. It's it's below a level of loyalty that I can deal with. They got to come see you out. They got to see you. I don't want anything doing. Plus, I don't want to start fucking relating to him. I mean, I'm not going to find myself out there. Right. Stick with winners. But so I've never I've never done that. And and just to feel that when she which means that joy has been my only sexual outlet for 22 years, which means that those periods of time where she had all them headaches were not fun motherfucking time. You know, I got calluses on my knees, gentlemen, because it would be OK, God, fill this desire or take the motherfucker away. One of the two, because I'm stuck in this deal.
You know, it's a good thing I kept it in hand. I don't know. But I didn't step outside. All right. I did not do that. And so the hardest the hardest thing in all of this is that we all hear this. You say, well, Jesus, that's simple. I'm already happy. Why do this? Well, you know, there are 12 steps to the program. Now, I'm sure it is possible that you can stay sober without doing this. It's also possible I'm going to bend over this table and Reese's monkeys are going to fly out of my ass. I don't know if it's possible. I don't know. Yeah, monkeys are going to fly out of my ass. That's about how possible I think it is to stay sober without taking a look.
You know, we're talking earlier in the earlier meeting that that these are suggestions. Well, so are the fucking lines on a freeway. I mean, come on. Jesus Christ, folks. I mean, a bunch of people died to give us the shit and they finally cooked it down to something real simple. Like, I know you're fucked up. Look, yeah, you could probably find it in the Bible and there are other places you can find a way.
You know, let me make it real simple for you. Here's 12 fucking things you need to do. That's all they asked of us, didn't they? That's all they asked of us. And the toughest places people have found to get over is this dumb four step and it's not. Make it a treasure hunt. Those that have done it, please tell me to and tell the people in here that it is that, you know, anybody got anything you want to share about this? Come on, man, it's supposed to be a workshop. I know nobody talked over there either with us. Please. Great.
You know, this whole process is a lot harder in my mind than in actual. Thank you. For anything, right? When that when that man comes, when that situation arises, I'm going to be ready. Cool.
[00:55:03]
Yeah, that's. That's the point. And, you know, we have this guilt thing. I mean, isn't it? I mean, we all walk into where somebody stands up at the podium, says guilty. We all raise our hand and say, how much? Yeah, me, how much? I'll take it all. Nobody else wants it in the room. You know, and guilt to me is a bunch of is based on fear in my life. You know, fear of being found out, fear of having to look at situations, fear of being wrong.
OK, yours was that by the time we got to this, I mean, when you would made you really comfortable through that first step, there was you got rid of a lot of that. I mean, let's talk about what kind of guilt stuff. You know, we've got so much in our head. We got our parents. I love I got a guy I sponsor on the coast and he's Jewish. And we were talking about committees. He said, Jesus, here I am, a little Jew boy with a Shia committee, you know, in my head, trying to get me every fucking day. You know, the whole committee is out to get my ass.
And and I understood that because that's what I did with myself. Yeah, I had the situations that were terrible. I mean, finally, even the police locked me up. You know, finally, even society said me and your fuck, you know, you're going to have to go away for a while. Maybe when you come out, you'll learn something. So by the time and I also like you took a quick took inventory fairly quickly and got that to after I did the lion, which was really good for me because the biggest problem I had that I'm just a liar. You know, I just I would lie to myself with the greatest.
What's a great con? I mean, a great con. First, I thought I used to sell World Book encyclopedias when I was shooting, though, and I was a closer. Yeah, great. I was a closer. I was great. I thought I was kind of everybody. I wasn't because I really believed what I was saying. So they were picking up this level of truth. The truth is, I kind of me. So what I was sharing was the truth. Got it. Well, you get that fucked up in your own head. Yeah, I just lied to myself about everything, everything I was, everything I thought I was. You know, chemicals did it for me.
You know, I mean, there was that magic, that fucking magic that changed me from boy George into the Terminator, you know, and that's all I need. You know, it was just that quick. So why should I do any of this work on me? And then you find so much a pleasure for you. Yeah, it's work. But your head has you scared going into it. And that's what I'm trying to relieve if we can at all. Thank you. And what does it say? Doesn't it say a moral?
Yeah, we all want to get into the fucking thing. But how do we find good stuff? Isn't an inventory like we've all done inventories in stores. What do you do? Isn't inventory a list of things that sell and what doesn't sell? What do you want more of? What do you want to get rid of? You know, we got to stop now and take a look and go, OK, then we're survivors, guys. We're fucking here. How did you do that? We're not supposed to be here.
So how did we do it? What happened? What got us here? Where did we positively respond to our rearing? There's a lot of it we did. Nobody wants to look. You know, we think so badly of ourselves when we hit the doors. We think we're such a wreck. We hold on to that feeling, you know, and we don't take take a good hard look and say, you know, we're pretty cool. I see. Now, I admit, wouldn't it be a drag, you know, to see ugly people get sober?
I don't know how they do that. They get sober a couple of years. Goodbye. They're still ugly. How do they make it? I mean, how do they look in the mirror and go, fuck, it's not working? You know, I don't know. Right. How do they do it? See, now, then I say, man, you need to go shoot, though, or go move to California. You can buy a new chin, new tits, everything you need. You can buy it, you know, but I often thought and I thought, you know, I think that there's really some truth. As funny as I thought it sounded when I first said it to myself, The ugly inside is what killed us.
I mean, there's a guy that I'm working with in St. Louis, Missouri. That's the ugliest son of a bitch I ever met. In fact, I nicknamed him Warthog. This is one ugly, ugly, greasy looking motherfucker. And I tell him, you are ugly. You know, you are flat, you're short. You know, you're greasy. You got shit on your face. And your body sucks. You're just ugly.
[01:00:00]
and you know he's not anymore? He's not, it's like because I never see ugly people here, you know and so it's the inside stuff man, this guy is a he's got him a neat girlfriend looks like he's gonna get married but he's changed he's lost all his extra chin he's like he's just changed you know and I think the ugly is the ugly we hold inside you know and so when we write what do we how do we find the good stuff we don't see us as miracles we can't see any of that and we don't believe anybody that tells us that you know what is any club will have me as a member I'll never join and then right and then okay that now now you can make it nicer it's like positive ways I reacted to my room what are the positive ways I reacted to my room because the first one it becomes real easy what's neat about it to me is a way of thinking you know because the first time we're looking and because we see ugly easy to see ugly we can look at and go yeah here's what I did you know here's what I did when dick breath did his thing to me here's what I did my dad was an Irish Catholic cop to call him a drunk would be redundant I mean and so you know he and and he walked around and but my dad never hit me but he didn't have to he wore a fucking gun I mean you know I Jesus he's going to kill me it's over he's going to do this and he looks out of control he was red eyes red and I figure it's coming it's coming I lived in fear from the time I was six years old you know and how did I react to it I did that to others I found out I we moved to a new neighborhood two bullies in the neighborhood tried to get me came at me and hit me in the face with a strap I was five and a half going on six I went inside got a milk father went out and beat these shit out of both of them with you know that's what I did with my fear and thought yeah my dad two weeks after that was drinking grabbed my mother and pushed her in the kitchen I reached under the cabinet where I had my toys and in there was a roller skate the old metal ones climbed up on the chair and busted his fucking head wide open just it said don't ever hit my mother and he stopped how did I react to my rearing from him on me this is what I did with it all and violence became a way to accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish and I loved it you know I started playing music and when there was a fight in the bar I jumped down in the middle and wasn't happy till I was hurting and could taste my own blood and kicking the last guy out of the bar and digging it rushing my fucking brains out where is this from you know I mean I was I was a strange delight brother I was made from the Catholic cop for the dad to the you know to the sexual molestation you know to putting on dresses to loving the fights I was there you know they just oh they were going to write me up in every fucking book they had and you know and and you know I did the whole thing I've been to mental institutions four times and those were fun class about everything from paranoid schizophrenic to psychotic sociopathic which is true you know let's get real and you know some of it wasn't all that wasn't all crazy that was a wire I stepped on for the microphone whatever happened and but the whole the whole idea was that that's what I did to react so I all this violence that came all this violence all based on my own fears but I learned to get my way you know once you learn once guys learn and some girls learn that once you get hit it gets it heals you're no longer afraid of any of that whether it's done by family you know or whether it's only outside and then suddenly like you learn how to win you just learn how to win and and it gets real crazy but that was my reaction to you know so those parts were easy learning learning my reactions to the rearing negatively reason positive ones were really hard it finally I realized a Roman Catholic schools for 12 years by God I can diagram a sentence frontwards and backwards I could find every dangling participle in the library they taught me the English language which has been real helpful since I have to talk a lot now you know but they taught me had they taught me the language and as fucked up as those
[01:05:01]
ladies were you know and those Christian brothers and as crazy as they were they're the good side you know here's the positive side you know what did I do with it all well somewhere there had to be bootstraps I pulled myself up by so I dug in and look where they come from they're the good nuns I had some good shit going for him too and they did teach me to communicate they had trouble with the whole self-esteem issue didn't they any of you brought up in that but that was a very tough trip but they did they did teach us a lot of a lot of of the skills we were going to need to make it in life they knew some of it the God thing was real sad it was all technical to them so there was no excitement in anything they taught you about the spiritual aspects of anything just so old the Roman Catholic Church was so institutionalized that it was just like okay this is how it is but I'm gonna put up but I'm got it study it learn the Baltimore Catechism why did God make you God maybe to know him to love him to serve him in this world be happy forever and ever that's you just learn I know that whole fucking book man I know the book you know and it was just technical it was there's history and there's religion and you studied them both and both meant nothing exciting you know about the whole thing at all I did have to go back to church for a little while because I'd thrown the baby out with the dirty water I'd thrown out the spirituality I'd thrown out the basic understanding I had to go back then I realized why I didn't want to go back anymore very quickly you know when I discovered Oh principles and personality got it I don't like these people you know basic principles I can deal with I don't like people to this day I have trouble with any any religion whose logo is a dead boy on a stick still gives me a problem you know it's not a positive thing to me but I do have an understanding of basics and I get my understanding from you I'm gonna go on I'm gonna do things and you're gonna say me and you can't do that and I'll go why and you're gonna tell me then I'm not going to do it anymore I believe hitting your knees is important you have trouble hitting your knees so did I what well it was humbly it was the physical place you know like okay so we're not going to shave our heads and sit in corners and hum okay but but there's something about that physical action that was good so I give you one little hint I'll be doing this Sunday morning but but just just so you can even try it if you have trouble hitting your knees tonight when you go to bed throw your shoes underneath way underneath the bed tomorrow morning when you're down there looking for him she grateful you're sober you know a humbling situation before whatever God is to you is going to help I don't care if you call him spook man I don't care where she lives it doesn't matter you know a power greater than you are and where are you going to what are you going to do with this step what are you going to do with the four step if you don't believe somehow somewhere somehow right that in that in that whole trip there is a power greater than you that's got you doing this that already knows all this it's got a clear picture of this whole fucking trip it's you that's confused certainly not God so all we're doing is getting in tune aren't we you know I have trouble with anybody that that immediately wants to jump into deep therapy there are that immediate wants to jump in and say this is a three-pronged disease right physical mental spiritual three-pronged wellness folks we got to do all three the three pronged recovery people that that there's these people that suddenly they got three days sober and they're jogging 70,000 fucking miles a day like what the fuck are you doing well I'm sober okay I'll see you next week we'll see how but our next year or people who jump into religion you know all of a sudden that's gonna do it for you know it's three-pronged physical emotional spiritual your growth has to be the same way so by the time we hit this step now what did we just finish doing one two and three have got to straighten that that we've learned how to deal with today pretty good taught us how to turn it over right get it and can't you go a long time on those I mean you can really one two and three will keep you liking who you are for quite a while you know and and when we get down here you know usually happens we'll hit the fourth step when we get in a relationship all of a sudden everything's fine when you are this far away but when you get this close it's like get the fuck out of my space you know intimacy ain't my thing understand you know we talked about poking earlier I know you and me but you know that's another deal got nothing to do with intimacy that's a sport okay so the the problem comes up that that the minute I
[01:10:01]
get that close to somebody then shit starts coming and guess what I'm not fixing it with today am I I'm still turn it over oh I'm hitting my knees I'm doing all my but it ain't I'm not well why well there's shit for my past is just coming up on my ass time to do some writing or another thing that happens if anybody did this you'll be sober for a while maybe in a halfway house staying with friends other people and suddenly you go home you go back to your spouse there's something Jesus the proverbial shit hits the fan boy you know and there we find ourselves dealing with the past now we got time to sit hopefully we get through this we sit down we figure out how we reacted we get some ideas of our mo's and we move on if not and usually you'll move on if you're working through the steps and and maybe by the time you get to amends if you're really confused remember your sponsor is there as a happy hopefully a happy sober same gender member of alcoholics anonymous cocaine anonymous or narcotics anonymous and they'll help you with that if it's something that coming up then you go see how that's what they're that's what the therapist is there for yeah that's great see cuz you're performing with the net you can try and you want to try religion go for that because you remember you're performing with the net and it's not in that funicella this ain't the fucking Mickey Mouse Club we have a net you know we come back to meetings we can talk about it all day and we can sit down with each other we say guess what happened and then this guy thought you know somebody told me about Buddha what do you think of that what the fuck do I know you know go see somebody who does Buddha I don't know nothing about Buddha or what about Christianity whatever you want to get involved go to a church go talk great because you're performing with the net now you've got a chance what do you think it's all going to be right here this program isn't set up this program is going to let you be happy and sober now it's going to give you then a chance to find out about life and to get out there and stretch check out your therapist check out churches if you need to you know if you were reared Jewish okay you've got you've got a family that says your very essence is in that religion and in that lifestyle don't turn your back go see you're gonna look with different eyes you're gonna have God colored glasses on now go take a look see if there's anything there you like and not like see if you did throw the baby out with the dirty water cuz you're working with the net so when you sit down to write realize the same thing you're working with it you're not going to fall through you're not gonna suddenly go oh Jesus I need a goddamn gun you know barrel you're not going to do that because you've got a net you're gonna go to a meeting tonight you're gonna go Jesus I just realized one of my mo's but up and everybody goes no shit me too what a fucking trip let's go have coffee at Lenny's we'll talk about it you know and and we right so we got we were working with a net then when you hit points and people go that's some heavy shit go see the man you know pick out somebody like go see him with a pinpointed problem get it straightened out you don't have to run through it you can walk but really that's that's where therapy religion all these things allow us you know there are things out there that that we now are supposed to be growing up that we can learn to use try them you'll like some you won't like some Jesus you deserve to try them I mean why not what are you afraid of well now we're down to one aren't we our fear you know you're not gonna get like well suppose they just hook me and I find myself a wacko from Waco you know you've got a net that's not you you know you've got a sponsor you've got people you believe in give yourself a chance so for the inventory do the same thing really cut loose find those treasures find those mo's you know and realize you're gonna get the same kind of wonderful release that you got when you first said Jesus I'm an addict that's my fucking problem you know duh you know here we are you know and I've been butthead all this time and I was supposed to be Beavis where did I know yeah so the the hardest job that we have I think, is getting rid of enough of our own fear to sit down and write.
It tells us how many times… Who's a big book thumper? How many times does it tell us to write in a big book? Nine times, as it mentioned? Take pencil in hand? I think nine times it tells us. I should know that, right? I think nine times. But it tells us you really do write, you know? You don't just record.
[01:15:03]
Says write. Remember the suggestions are like the lines on the freeway. They're suggestions too. Just for the first time in our lives, if we can just do what we're told for a little while, because we're guaranteed happiness, there are promises. In my life, they've come true. I'm about as happy as a sissy in Boy's Village. I don't know what can get any better. I just float on through every day. All I can hope for is one more beautiful day like today. And I get a lot of living in San Diego. You get a lot of these days.
But that's all I hope for. And sometimes I think if it gets any better, my heart's just going to burst into a thousand fucking pieces. You know, it just can't get any better. And it does. And it does, you know. And and why does it work? Because I finally found a way to follow some direction. It is past my time. I got to stop. I'm too late, right? Wasn't it too late? With numbers for 10 or 30, I don't have to follow every fucking direction, do I?
Any major questions, burning desires or comments? Pardon me. Oh, only suggested. Right. OK, then let's go relax and get ready for the banquet and hear a great speaker and have some fun. I love you all.