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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 784 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: bev-f-pacific-regional-convention-edmonton-2005-04-02.mp3 Duration: 00:50:24
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Main speaker for this evening, who has traveled from San Jose, California, this is Bev. Yeah! Applause Beverly, I am an addict. Laughter I'm sure. Laughter There I am. Applause Okay, let's start again. I'm Beverly, I'm an addict. Laughter And Cedric finally realized who the hell I was. Laughter Hi Ced! Laughter I hate when I wave at men and they kind of look at me like. Laughter Kind of like, do you owe me an amends or do I owe you one?
Laughter Where do I know you from? Laughter Anyhow, I am truly honored to be here. Laughter And I'm clean purely by the grace of a loving God and the fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, anything that ends with an A or starts with an A, except the DA. Laughter And I haven't had to go there for a long time. Last Monday I celebrated 20 years. Applause That's a fucking miracle.
Yeah, that's right. You know those newcomers that are sitting in this room are probably sitting there and thinking, now what could this lady possibly have to tell me? And the people who know me know I have a lot to tell them. Laughter Kenny said he was going to sit up here and if I miss anything he'll fill it in. Laughter Donna's been my sponsee for almost 18 years now and she's probably heard my chair more times than I've told it.
Laughter And as you notice my voice sounds really funny so I've been in my room all afternoon sleeping hoping that I would have a voice tonight. But what I know is that it doesn't make any difference what the voice sounds like that I only have one story. You know, and I got to tell this quick little story. Where's the guy from Bothell that says Bethel? You missed it. You left the elevator five minutes before the miracle yesterday.
Laughter He doesn't know this but he and I were on the elevator together yesterday and there was these two guys, I mean a guy and two girls and a little kid. And he had on his little badge thing and so the girl looks at him and she says, what are you here for? And he says, oh I'm here with Cocaine Anonymous. And she goes. Laughter And they froze in the elevator. Laughter And he got to his floor and he got off.
The minute he got off they started laughing. And she goes, did you hear what he said? Cocaine Anonymous. What kind of program is that? And then they realized I was talking to him. Laughter And I realized I was outnumbered. Laughter And so they said, what's Cocaine Anonymous? And I said it's a 12 step program, you know like Alcoholics Anonymous. And they go. And I'm thinking thank God we only got one floor to go.
And so then they looked at me and they said, oh is there a Meth Anonymous? We're Rednecks, we need Meth Anonymous. Laughter And they said, we can't fucking afford cocaine. Laughter I said, neither can we. Laughter And they got off the elevator and I said, we'll let you come in and out. And I was just like, oh my God, this is so cool. I mean like, of course I don't understand anybody who has never heard of a 12 step program.
Although I had never heard of one when I got here. So, anyway I was supposed to share a little bit about what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. And what it was like for me is that I grew up in a home with a mother who I didn't know when she reached out. If she was reaching out to hug me or to hit me.
[00:05:00]
You know, she would say things like, if you're going to act like that, go to your room. You know, and then she would hit me and she would say, you know, what are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry about, you know. And when I came here, I didn't know how to cry in front of you because of that, you know. And so I grew up not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, anything enough.
You know, if my hair was the right color, then I weighed too much. And if I lost weight, then I should have got better grades, you know. And it was, thank you. It was always something. All my cold pills are going to kick in any minute and I'll be nodding out of here. Of course, as I go on, you'll know that I'm used to doing that in front of groups of people. Anyhow, I grew up and I married my high school sweetheart and we had everything.
You know, I had that if only picture that a lot of people say. If only I had a house with a white picket fence, my life would be fine. You know, and I had that if only picture. And I still was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, anything enough, you know. And I had this fucking gaping hole in my gut. And I kept trying to fill that hole with outside things. I kept thinking, you know, if I just weighed the right amount of weight, you know, then I'd be happy.
If my kids just were popular in school, I'd be happy. You know, if I just did the right things, I'd be happy. If my old man just said, I love you every hour on the hour, I'd be happy. You know, it was always something that I needed out here to make me okay inside, you know. And nothing out there could ever make me happy or okay for any length of time, you know. And so what happened was I was married to that man for 13 years and we got a divorce.
My ex-husband is a highway patrolman. And so when he left, what I thought was, you know, all of a sudden I realized I was going to be a single mother of two boys. My boys were like in fifth grade and third grade when we split up. And I was teaching school. And so I had this thought that any moment Prince Charming was going to come riding across my doorstep, you know, and life was going to get good.
And I was going to be happy, you know. And what happened was a lot of toads came across my doorstep, you know. Prince Charming never quite made it. And so what happened was I started hanging out in clubs. You know, I started going to clubs on Friday night and drinking a lot. And pretty soon it was Friday and Saturday night. And it was Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, you know.
And the week just kept getting longer. And so I'd hang out in the clubs and I was, you know, looking for him. And I knew that once I met him, my life would be fine. And one night I was in the club and I met him. And he spent the night and moved in the next day. And what I found out about him was that he was snorting cocaine occasionally on holidays. And the holidays started getting closer together, you know.
And he kept saying, you know, baby, you ought to check this out. And I kept saying, I can't do that. I'm a teacher, you know, and that shit's illegal. And one day he said, you know, baby, I'd never do anything that would hurt you. And I said, pass the straw, you know. And for the next six months we snorted cocaine occasionally on weekends like everyone. And about, you know, six months later we're sitting in the park one day playing dominoes and drinking 40s.
And he said, you know, you can smoke this stuff. And I said, no, I can't do that. I'm a teacher and that shit's illegal. And he said, well, then I'll leave you. And I said, okay. So he left me. And he left for about 48 hours, which was about as long as I could ever stand it, you know. And when he came back he brought everything with him. And he looked me in the eye and he said, baby, you know, I'd never do anything that would hurt you.
And I said, pass the pipe. And for the first time in my life I was smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, anything enough. And that hole in my gut was filled, you know.
[00:10:01]
And what I did for the next four and a half years is I chased what I felt that night, you know. Narcotics Anonymous has a saying about the getting and using and finding ways and means to get and use more. And that's exactly what happened to me for the next four and a half years. You know, at that point in my life I was showing up at school every day. I was teaching students. I was paying my bills on time.
I had a home. I had a car in the driveway. My kids went to school every day. And I was a respected citizen in my community, you know. But what quickly happened is all those morals went right down the drain. You know, pretty soon teaching wasn't supporting my habits so I took on another job of shoplifting. And that wasn't supporting my habits so I started turning tricks. And that wasn't supporting my habits so I took on a second job of working juvenile hall.
And I was letting the kids get loaded on weekends, you know. What I know is that from the minute I hit that bass pipe, you know, my life changed. Now you hear people say all the time, you know, I don't know if I was born an addict, you know. Well, what I know is the minute I hit that bass pipe an addict was born, you know. And it was just fucking insane. You know, I would stay up four and five nights in a row freebasing cocaine and then go to teach students the next morning.
And I would come home, drink a half pint of brandy, and go off to teach students. You know, about 9.30 the cocaine would wear off, the alcohol would kick in, and I'd be like, how long was I out? And they'd say, well, a few minutes, Mrs. C.. And I was teaching junior high school students. I figured they were getting better dope than me anyhow, so what was the problem? And I absolutely believed that I had narcolepsy.
It never dawned on me that people didn't stay up four and five nights in a row freebasing cocaine and drink a half pint of brandy and go off and teach students, you know. And at lunchtime I would go home and drink another half pint of brandy and smoke a joint to make it through the afternoon. And by 2.15 I was telling my students how they could sneak off school grounds early. And I was right back at the Connections house doing the same fucking thing over again, you know.
Teachers get paid once a month. And so I would get my paycheck and I would stand in the line at the bank and I'd be standing there with the paycheck in my hand and I would be going, you know, I'm going to pay my bills, I'm going to pay my bills, I'm going to buy some food for the kids, I'm going to make the house payment, you know. And the little voice in my head would say, just buy a half, you know.
And I cashed the check in and the next morning the check was gone. And I'd go, how the fuck did that happen? I'm not fucking stupid. I'm a teacher, you know. But what I know is that I suffer from a disease that once I take something, I can't guarantee when I'm going to quit. You know, I can't love my kids enough to quit. I can't love my parents enough to quit. I can't love my job enough to quit. I can't even love me enough to quit.
Because I suffer from a disease that once I take something, I absolutely have no control over the next one. And so right away when that would happen, the little voice in my head would go, that's okay, Bev. In three days the child support check will be here. And then it'll be okay. Then you'll pay your bills. Three days later there was a child support check. I'd be back at the bank. Be standing there with the check.
And I'd say, okay, now I'm going to make the house payment. I'm going to pay the PG&E. I'm going to buy some food. There'll be no money left to get loaded. And the little voice in my head would say, well, you fucked up the other check. Why don't you just buy a quarter ounce? Sell some. Smoke some. You'll be fine. And by the end of the day, it was gone too. Stu talked about it last night. I became my own best customer.
I kept cutting the dope. So it was absolutely insane. And what happened was between Christmas, on New Year's Eve 1984 turned into 1985, my ex-husband, I called my ex-husband on the phone and I said, will you buy me out of the house? Because I can't do this. And he said, okay, I'll buy you out of the house. But with the house goes custody of the kids. And there was that little bit of mom left inside of me, that little bit of mom that
[00:15:01]
knew that the men I was hanging out with is not who I wanted my kids to be like. You know, I hang out with men who like to beat my ass on a regular basis. My oldest son used to stand between me and them and protect me, and he had become the parent in the house. You know, and so I was like, okay, cool, that's fine. So what happened was he had to go through the whole procedure of getting the house refinanced and all this stuff. During the time he did that, I was like, okay, as soon as I get that money, I'm going to get an apartment, I'm going to get my kids back, I'm going to get right. You know, because see, it was your fault. If you'd quit knocking on my door at four o'clock in the morning for a quarter, I'd be fine. You know, it was the police's fault. It was the kid's fault. It was the old man's fault. It was always everybody's fault out here, but it was never mine, you know. And so what happened was the first thing he did was he gave me a check for $10,000. And I went to the bank and I was going to put it in a savings account. And that little voice came up again.
And the little voice said, just go to Oakland and buy a half ounce. And then tomorrow you'll get an apartment. And what happened was I went through $20,000 in two and a half weeks. And what I know is during that two and a half weeks, I was doing the same thing I had done when I had no money. I was still turning tricks. I was still boosting. I was still ripping and running because, see, cocaine's not my problem. If you're sitting in this room and you think cocaine's your problem, you're wrong. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. You might find out who the real problem is. Cocaine and alcohol, heroin, weed, quaaludes, mescaline, they ain't my problem. I'm the problem. They're my solution. See, and as long as they're my solution, then I keep going to the solution. And so what happened was I ended up with no money. I ended up with no place to live. My oldest son came to live with me. I was driving down the street one day. I saw this empty house and he and I just moved in. When I had about two years clean, I looked at my police report and it said transient. And I was like, I ain't no fucking transient. I had a house. Now, I don't know whose house it was and I don't know how long we could stay, but what I know is at the end of my using, if you had it and I wanted it, you were just holding on to it until I got it. And that's just what my life was like. It was insane. So what happened was I went to the mall one last time and I grabbed a sweater off a rack and I put it in a bag and I walked out the door and I sat down and I'd never done that before. And security came and I was arrested and I went to jail and I called everybody I knew and nobody came to bail me out. All those friends we have that say we'll always be there for you weren't. And so the next morning they said I had a visitor and it was my brother and my brother was six years clean and living in San Jose.
And he came and he said, I'll bail you out if you'll go with me right now to a rehab. I don't know about you, but when I'm in jail and somebody wants to bail me out, I'll go anywhere with them. Bar none, I'm gone. So what I knew about rehabs was when you're sitting around getting loaded and you realize that Kenny ain't there no more. And you say, well, where's Kenny? Well, Kenny went to rehab. And you go right on back to smoking. Probably because Kenny ain't smoking none of your shit. But what I also knew was the people I got loaded with, rehab was just a place to go get your look good on. So I wasn't looking too good. And so I was like, cool with that. I'll just go to rehab. I'll get my look good on and I'll just go back out and keep doing it again. And I was looking at doing a year and a half. I had a failure to appear. I had well over $150 worth of bad checks in the VA's office and most of them weren't written on my checking account because I didn't have one. And I had a petty theft charge and I had contributed delinquency of minors and a lockdown facility charge. And so I went to this treatment program in Santa Cruz. And
[00:20:04]
I was doing 30 days there and I was going back and forth. And what happened was, you know, they had these meetings every night. And so people would come and they would talk about, you know, they had six months clean and they talked about getting their cases dismissed. And along with that they would say, if you want what we have to offer. Well, I wanted what they had to offer. I wanted my case dismissed. You know? And so I started like watching them, you know, and listening to what they were saying, you know, and they would talk about having a sponsor and they would talk about, you know, they went to this meeting over here the other day or last night. I was at that meeting. I got to figuring it out in my head, you know, because like I heard Stu say that same thing last night. Nobody had to tell me how to do nothing. The first time I turned a trick, I didn't ask the homegirls, you know, like how much should I charge? I threw out a price. He paid it and I said cool.
Next time I charge more, you know, you just learn, you know, the first time I boosted, I didn't go in the store and go, well, let's see, how do I do this? You know, I, it was, it's natural. It came to me like putting my pants on in the morning. You know, it was easy. See, and I remember being in that treatment program and so one of my counselors said to me one day, he said, Beth, do you think everybody steals alcohol? Because I used to like stop at the grocery store and steal a pint of brandy. And he said, do you think everybody steals alcohol? And I went, no, only the smart ones. And he's like, and I'm like, well, why should I pay for anything that I can steal? You know, see, that shit made sense to me. Now, how I was a teacher on one hand and thinking like that on the other hand, there might be a little something wrong with my thinking, you know. But so, so anyhow, I was in this treatment program. I was there about 20 days and, and I had two counselors in the same day ask me if I'd gotten a sponsor. And I was like, no, I don't want a sponsor. I still have 10 days left to go. And, and they said, no, Beth, you need to find somebody who has something you want. And I said, well, there's a few guys around here that have something I want.
And they said, no, Beth, guys work with guys and girls work with girls, you know. And, and what I know is that on March 28th, 1985, the only thing that happened for me is I quit doing drugs and alcohol. But all of the attitudes and behaviors and everything else came with me to the program. You know, I didn't stop lying, cheating, stealing, or doing any of that stuff. You know, what I know is that anything that scared me enough, I stopped doing. So, so what happened was this girl pulled up and she secretaried a Friday night meeting and she had blonde hair and blue eyes and she was about a size three. And I'd always wanted to be a size three. I still do, but I can't work the steps hard enough to make it happen. So, so anyhow, I asked her to be my sponsor, you know, and what I thought was that I would be able to manipulate her. You know, she looked real innocent and I thought, oh, this is cool. I got it made here, you know, and I made everybody happy. But what this woman would do is she, as I got out and I would start going to meetings, she was at every meeting I went to. I thought, what is this bitch's problem? Why does she follow me to every meeting I go to? You know, and so back in those days, you used to be able to smoke in meetings and, and you still may in some states, but you can't in Santa Cruz for sure. And, and so, you know, how everybody, as soon as the speaker's done, everybody jumps up and runs outside to the patio recovery. Well, I tried that one time, you know, I went outside and she followed me outside and she said, I said, what? She said, what are you doing? I said, I'm smoking. She said, well, you can smoke in there. I said, well, I'm out here getting some fresh air. Of course, all the men were out there too. But, and she said, Beth, while you're out here smoking, the words that may save your life for the rest of your life might be spoken in that room and you will miss it. And she said, Beth, when you were getting loaded, if you're sitting around the room and you ran out of cigarettes, did you like leave people in your room and run down to the 7-Eleven and get some cigarettes?
I was like, fuck no. You know, and she said, well, you don't get to do that here. You know,
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and she would say other stupid things to me like, you know, she said to me one day, Beth, did you get loaded at 7 o'clock in the morning? I said, yeah, I did. She said, good, there's a 7 a.m. meeting, be at it. She said, did you get loaded at 9.30? I said, yeah, I did. She said, good, there's a 9.30 meeting, be at it. Did you get loaded at noon? I said, yes. She said, good, there's a noon meeting, be at it. She said, and did you get loaded at 6? I said, yes. She said, good, there's a 6 o'clock meeting, be at it. And she said, how about 8? I'm like, yeah. Good, there's an 8 o'clock meeting, be at it. And what time did you go to the club? And I'd say 10. She said, good, there's a 10 o'clock meeting, be at it. You know, and I was like, all in one fucking day? No, they said 90 meetings in 90 days. They didn't say nothing about five a day, you know. And she said, Beth, check this out. If you got loaded at 7 and the connection came by at 9.30, would you tell him, oh, no, I just got loaded at 7? No. She said, good, then you don't get to say that here either. So she had me go into these five meetings a day. And somebody in the meetings, because they knew I was getting ready to do a year and a half, because I figured I was going for sure. Somebody in the meetings told me to go get a steno pad and start writing down the meeting I went to and get the secretary to sign it off. So, you know, now they have cards for you. How easy can it be? And, you know, you can steal somebody else's, whatever.
And so I would do that and I would put it up there. And so she was in a meeting one night and she said, Beth, I noticed that every time you go to a meeting, you put your little pad up there and get it signed off. And I said, yeah, somebody told me to do that for the judge. And she said, well, from now on, you only get to do that when you're doing service work. I said, nobody said no shit like that. And she said, well, Beth, check this out. I hated when she said check this out. I knew I was in trouble. And she said, if the connection said he was going to be holding at 8, what time did you get to his house? 730. She said, good. You can get here at 730 and put up chairs. Then you can get your little paper signed. She said, and if, you know, like dope was going around, did you just like cop and leave? And I said no. And she said, good. Then you get to hang out here afterwards. And she said, while you're at it, get two phone numbers at every meeting you go to. And I looked around the room. I'm like, which one of these motherfuckers don't like their phone numbers? You know, I thought you were all a bunch of lops. So the little voice in my head that was going to five meetings a day said, Beth, if everybody in here was the connection, how many phone numbers would you have at the end of the meeting? So I started getting two. And, you know, so what happened was she said to me that if, you know, if I just got my meeting slip signed at every meeting I went to, then when I didn't need to get it signed anymore, I wasn't going to need to come to Cocaine Anonymous for me. I wasn't going to have any reason to be here. See? And she said, and the people who do service work like Nekoma was standing up here, like you see Jim doing and you see John doing, you know, you know those people by name. Those people get a connection around here. You know, you were my new connection. And I better have a new connection or I was going to go back to the old connection. It was as simple as that. You know, because I don't know about you, but somebody mentioned my connection's phone number one time. In fact, they dialed it and I watched it over their shoulder and they never had to tell me that number again.
But I couldn't remember my sponsor's phone number. You know? And now I get sponsees around here and I tell them, well, I want you to make a willingness call. Call me every day for 30 days. They call for about five days and they stop. Then I'll see them in a meeting and they'll say, you never call me back. You know what my sponsor said when I said that to her? She said, you don't have anything I want. She said, I've got what you want.
She said, I've got what you want. Come and get it. She said, put half as much effort into getting a hold of me as you did into getting a hold of the connection and you'll never have to get loaded again. You know? See, she spoke to me in a language I understood. Now, you know, they don't usually ask me to speak at speaker meetings like this because I haven't learned to stop saying fuck.
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And, um, and I was really glad that they didn't ask me to read that thing before, so I knew I wasn't at Narcotics Anonymous, that's for sure. But, um, you know, what I know is that my life keeps getting better. What I know is that when I got here, if somebody would have been Suzy fucking Homemaker and said, well, it'd be really nice if you wanted to work the first step and you'd call me once in a while, I'd be like, fuck that bitch.
You know, I needed somebody who talked to me on a level that I could understand. You know, and along the same lines, she absolutely loved me. You know, I learned from that sponsor how to show up on time. I learned from that sponsor how to be responsible. I learned from that sponsor that when I made a commitment to meet her at 7 o'clock at night, I was there at 7 o'clock. I've got sponsees now that'll call and say, oh, you know, I'm not going to be able to make it today.
They only say that one time. Because you know what? I don't need to make it with you next time. See, there's somebody out there who really wants what I have to offer. And maybe there isn't. Maybe I'm not the sponsor for everybody. I'm okay with that. See, what I know is that I don't ever want to think that I have anything more important to say than Cocaine Anonymous. I don't ever. I used to work. I worked in treatment for 10 years.
I used to sit in meetings and clients would come and they'd be like, oh, Bev, can you come outside with me? He left me again. I'd be like, no. I can't do that. But you're more than welcome to come in and sit next to me and I'll hold you through that meeting. But see, the thing is, is that if I go outside with you, I might miss the message and I might be loaded tomorrow. See, and what I know real clearly is I don't have anything more important than Cocaine Anonymous to say.
You know, I am not that profound. You know, check this out. What was your name, honey? Nate. Nate, I want you to pick up that book that you got today and I want you to go home and every night for a week, I want you to pick a little paragraph and you read it until you've got it memorized. And I want you to go to an AA meeting next week and raise your hand and quote it. Page and quote. Everybody will go, fuck.
They'll be like, Nate, I want what you have. Oh, man, he's so good. He's just a baby and he already knows the whole fucking book. What I know is that all you have to do is just quote it and come in and talk about it. I used to sit in meetings and they would talk about this on this page and this on that page. And I would write it on my hand and then I would go home and read it. And my second sponsor taught me about the book.
My second sponsor, when I would call her, she would say things to me like the answer's in the book. Look for it. And I would be like, can you tell me what chapter? So my brother got me to read the book, too. He's I was telling him one day, I said, you know, Gary, I don't see anywhere in the book where it says that you can't get in a relationship in your first year of recovery. And he said, it's in there. Just keep reading.
So I read some more about a week later. I told him again, Gary, I don't see where it says anything about you can't get in a relationship in your first year recovery. And he said, I think it's in the twelve and twelve. Read that. And actually what it is, it's in the twelfth step. And it says, don't make any major decisions in your first year of recovery. And so I told him that and I said, well, it says don't make any major decisions and not being in a relationship is a major change in my life.
And he said, well, gee, how long did your last relationship last? And I said, well, a couple hours if you had enough money. So, you know, what happened was my life just started getting better. I have a clue. I'm all right. OK, my life just started getting better. So I had about four months claim when I went in for sentencing. And when I went to court, what I got was two days. And what I got to find out in those two days was I got to find out I don't look good in orange.
[00:35:01]
Doesn't match my hair color. And I got to find out I never want to be shackled again. And I never want to be strip searched again. And I never want somebody to tell me what time I'm eating breakfast, lunch or dinner again. And I just never want to have to go back and be humiliated like I was in those two days. And I haven't had to do that. I haven't had a man put his hands on me in 20 years. That's a fucking miracle.
My son has not had to stand between me and a man to stop him from hitting me in 20 years. That's a miracle. I haven't sat in the back of a police car in 20 years. That's a miracle. See, all these things I get as a result of working the steps of Cocaine Anonymous. As a result of working the steps, as a result of having the sponsor tell me things to do that I take her direction, my life starts getting better.
So as my life started getting better, that mother I talked about, she got cancer when I had about two years claim. And so she was operated on at Kaiser Hospital on Broadway and MacArthur in Oakland. And I used to turn tricks on Broadway and MacArthur. And I had a therapist who said to me, Bev, what is it about this situation that could get you loaded? And I said, I don't want to get loaded. And he said, that's not what I asked you.
He said, I asked you what is it about this situation that can get you loaded? And I said, I don't want to get loaded. And he said, Bev, I don't think you wanted to get loaded for a long time before you came here. And I got to learn that I didn't want to get loaded, but I had no tools for not getting loaded. What I got to learn was that here you had given me tools. So I called the hotline and I got phone numbers and meetings and I started showing up in those meetings.
And people said, I'll come and I'll sit with you at the hospital. What I got to learn around here was I never have to do anything alone. And when I was five years claim, my mother passed away. And the last word she said was, I love you and I'm proud of you. And I had waited 45 years to hear those words. When I was two years claim, my youngest son stood up at a meeting. I was chairing a Christmas Eve meeting in Santa Cruz.
And we hadn't spent holidays together for a long time. And he kept raising his hand. He was 16 years old. He kept raising his hand. So I finally called on him. There was about 100 people sitting in the room. And he stood up and he said, I'm Brad and I'm Bev's son. And I'd like to thank the people in Alcoholics Anonymous for giving me back my mother because I love her. He said, I loved her when she was using, but you have made her someone different.
And I didn't even know you had. I didn't even know that my life had changed. I didn't even know it had gotten better. See, because I'm an addict. And inside of me is that person, that disease that wants me to still think I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough. You know, my disease is not cocaine or alcohol. My disease is I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.
That's my disease. And anytime my disease can function or get me to believe the lie to be the truth, it's got me. So what I know is that inside of me is a little, you know, there's an addict with a blackboard and there's a recovering person with a blackboard. And what I know is that every time I do something for my recovery, the recovering person puts a little mark on the blackboard. You know, but every time I tell a lie or I steal something or I don't have time to show up or I make a promise that I'm going to be somewhere and I don't show up there.
The little addict person puts a mark on the blackboard. See, but what I don't know, I don't know how many marks it takes here to compensate for here. You know, I don't know how many marks I need on the recovering side to keep me clean tomorrow. So I better be doing something today to keep me clean today. You know, I better be either walking in my recovery or I'm walking in my relapse. You know, so that same son, I got to watch him practice his disease for the next seven years.
And when I had nine years clean, he called me from Santa Rosa County Jail and he said, Mom, I'm in jail. Will you come and bail me out? My support group said no. I said, Brad, I can't do that. And he said, but Mom, I don't belong here. And I said, gee, Brad, when you get in general population check, nobody in jail belongs there. And he said, but Mom, I was set up. And I said, Brad, when you get in general population check, everybody in jail was set up.
And and I left him there for four days. And I went to every meeting I could get to, you know, and there was people like Steve G.
[00:40:00]
who was there, you know, and John was around and stuff. And they all knew that I was going to bring this son with me. And then I went, you know, the day that he got released. And I went there and I said, Brad, I'll give you two choices. I'll either buy you a one-way bus ticket back to Humboldt County and you keep carrying guns and slinging dope. Or you can come with me to Santa Cruz and you can clean up.
Either way, know that I love you. You can never call me from jail again. And being a good addict, he thought about it for about four hours. And he ended up going with me from Santa Cruz, you know, to Santa Cruz. And the next morning I took him with me to a meeting. And I stood up and everybody knew me. I worked in treatment. Everybody in town knew me. And I stood up in this meeting and I said, this is my son, Brad.
This is his first meeting. And I said, I can't work his program. What I need is for you to treat him like you would treat every other newcomer in this town. And don't treat him like my son. You know? And what happened was people started taking him by the hand and taking him off to meetings. My friend Joel back there got him his first job. And, you know, I mean, I have people in this room that I love more than anything in the world.
Joel came here from Phoenix to hear me today. You know? My life is good. Nobody came across the street to hear me when I was getting loaded. Because all I was talking about was a front. You know? My life is good. My son called me earlier. He just moved to Phoenix. And he's taking my grandkids. But it's a lot better than where he was working at his second job, which was an adult video store. He's worked in a bank for nine years.
And this is a kid who couldn't hold down a job. He'd been fired from 32 jobs before he ever got here. You know? And he was on his way to a meeting in Phoenix. And he said, Mom, just call me and put me on the loudspeaker, you know, of your phone. And I'll just chair the meeting for you. You know? And I sponsor Donna. And Donna's husband sponsors my son. You know? My life is good. You have made me someone different.
You know, I have an older son who is not one of us. And the way I know he's not one of us is when he was in the service, he called me from Germany on Oktoberfest. Because he said, Well, Mom, how do you know I'm not one of you? And I said, Well, you remember when during Oktoberfest you called me and you and your buddies had gone to Berlin? And you said you drank every kind of German beer there was? And he said, Yeah.
And I said, And then you couldn't get a hotel room so you fell asleep on the benches in the train depot? And he says, Yeah. And I said, Well, when you got up the next morning, you said you felt like the whole platoon had walked through your mouth? And he said, Yeah. And I said, And then you said, I'll never do this again. And you didn't. And I said, I'll never do this again many, many times. And I couldn't stop.
That's the difference between you and me. And he used to get resentful of things that Brad and I would do together. And he said, Well, Mom never goes on vacation with me. And Brad said, Well, check it out, Brian. Leave your wife. Go down on a street corner. Start selling dope. And go to jail a couple times. And you can hang out with Mom, too. So we do speak language of the heart. You know, so I have about ten minutes.
I'll tell you what my life's been like the last five years. Because we have some newcomers in this room. Because I know there's people sitting in this room that are thinking, She's so well. I want to let you know I'm not. I was about 14 years clean. And I walked into the Friday night CA meeting in San Jose. And there's this guy, Terry Gorski, and he talks about if you walk into a crowded room and you're on one side of the room and she's on the other side and your eyes meet, turn around and run like hell.
And what happened was I walked into that Friday night meeting. I was at the back of the room. I was about 70 pounds thinner than I am right now, feeling a little frisky, and I was with two girlfriends, and he was putting up chairs, and he turned around and smiled
[00:45:03]
at me, and he had dimples, and I looked at my girlfriends, and I looked at my girlfriends, and I said, I could fuck him clean, and I tried, and it didn't make any difference that he didn't have any teeth, and it didn't make any difference that he was wearing Salvation Army issue clothes, and it didn't make any difference that he was in the Salvation Army Program, and it didn't make any difference that he only had 30 days, and it didn't make any difference if he was on parole, and it didn't make any difference he didn't have a job, or a life, or anything else, you know, because this time it was going to be different.
And it was so different that I married him 10 months later, and a year and a half later he asked for a divorce, and when he asked for a divorce what happened was I was left with that person who came to Cocaine Anonymous. I was left with that woman who wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, anything enough. I was left with that same fucking gaping hole in my gut, and I knew that something needed to change.
You know, there's people sitting in this room who watched me walk through that, who watched me at the time I was hooking up with him going, what the fuck is she doing? Some of you had enough nerve to approach me on it, and some of you didn't, and thank you for the ones who didn't, and no, really, truly, thank you for not, because what I know is that I needed that, you know, today I know I needed that.
I know that when I finally, when that happened for me, what happened was my life changed. My life changed because it had to change, you know, and what I know is that I walked through that divorce with dignity and grace, and what I know is that women walk up to me in the room still today and say to me, I watched you walk through that divorce with dignity and grace, would you please help me walk through it?
You know, what I know is that everything I do here I do so that I can walk another woman through it. You know, whether I like it or not, I do it so I can walk another woman through it because some woman walked me through it, you know. I've never had to do anything alone here, except for stand in front of all of you, but, you know, what I know is that as that happened, my life started changing, you know, and that I'm not the woman today that I was at 14 years clean, you know.
I know that today my life is a hundred times better than it's ever been, and it's not about a man, I'm not in a relationship, and, you know, like it didn't get better when I got the next partner, you know. What happened is that I work in a huge corporate law firm and I got a position, they offered me a position as a litigation paralegal, and the only way to get that is to have a BA or a paralegal certificate, I don't have either one of those, what I have is a God in my life.
You know, what I have is that first sponsor who taught me how to show up, pay attention, and tell the truth to the best of my ability, see. What I have is Cocaine Anonymous and the 12 Steps, and they have changed the woman that got here, you know. Today I'm a woman that I can be proud of. I was able to buy my own home in San Jose in my name, on my own credit, and get a hundred percent financing, you know.
What I have is two kids and grandkids that, you know, that love me today. What I have is friends who walk, you know, with me wherever I go or whatever I do, and they're proud to be with me today, you know. My life is better than I ever possibly thought it could be, you know. If you're new in these rooms, please just keep hanging on. It gets really, really bad out there sometimes, but you never have to do it alone, you know.
If I leave you with nothing, think about this. When I was getting loaded and my grandmother died, I called The Connection. When I was clean and my mother died, I called my sponsor. When my father died, I called my support group. My sponsor, Donna, and I, we have walked through everything together, you know. We have had men in our lives who say, you didn't tell her that, did you? We're like, yeah, you know.
We have walked, when my mother passed away, a year later, her father passed away, you know. I mean, that's how we've been able to be, and so get some people in your life, you know. Get men in your life who are walking through shit, and get a sponsor.
[00:50:04]
Work the steps. Your life will get better, you know, and just keep coming back. Thank you. Thank you.