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Source: Wynn C – 1973 – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: wynn-c-1973-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:52:42
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Thank you for everything that I have that I cherish. Everything I have that is of value to me you gave me. You could not give me more. My name is Lynn Laws, L-A-W-S. I'm in the telephone directory in Oxnard and I hope if you get up my way you challenge me for a cup of coffee and a good old AA session. Now I believe in the principle of anonymity just like you do at the level of press, radio, film, TV and what not. But among my family we've got to know each other because how would I find you if I needed you if I didn't know your last name? And I grew up on the privilege of needing you and asking of you the help that you told me would be mine at any given point. And you never made me a promise that you didn't keep in faith. And so I had to know that you were there on the other end of that telephone. In my part of the country it's General Telephone Company and we don't say it any oftener than we have to. But you made me know that you were there for me.
And I want you to know that I am there for anything that I might contribute to you. Now I still believe everything that is in this AA book. And so I believe that when I have the privilege of this particular task at an AA meeting I'm making a 12-step call in fact just like our book tells me I am. And it tells me that when I make a call I tell what I used to be like, what happened and what I'm like now. And so that has to be the format of any talk I might make at an AA meeting. And I have a story that best describes I think what I used to be like that I'd like to share with you tonight and particularly in the light of there being a Houston, Texas visitor here tonight.
It all happened in Los Angeles a lot of years ago. I was invited to a very formal dinner party by some very special friends of mine that I loved dearly and before whom I would always want to make the very best impression that I could make. And they were having this party in honor of the mayor of Fort Worth, Texas. Now I feel about Texas like Texans do. After all I'm married too. So you see I was thinking big too and I wanted to go to this party and I wanted to be on my very best behavior. And I thought and thought and thought about what I would wear and what I would drink and how much I would drink. And I kept making resolutions and decisions about the drinking, you know. I would tell myself I'd take one cocktail and then I'd decide I'd take two. You can't walk on one leg, you can't fly on one wing, you know, and all that kind of stuff. And I was thoroughly convinced that I could handle two drinks and I firmly resolved that I would take two and no more, no matter what happened at that party.
And I did all this like a rational, sane person might make a business decision. There was only one thing wrong with it, you know. I couldn't keep any resolutions that I made and I certainly could not stand by my own decisions for I had no control over my life, in fact, in those days.
[00:05:05]
In those days. And the day of the party came around and I changed costumes three times. I don't mean I just changed clothes. I changed costumes three times for this big event. I came to know, of course, that what I really intended to do was make an impression on the mayor from Fort Worth, you know. But I said I wanted to look my best and I went to the party dressed to the piece, firmly resolved to take two drinks and no more. And I took my two cocktails.
And I was the victim at that time of a two-fold disease we call alcoholism. The obsession of the mind coupled with the allergy of the body. And once I had taken two drinks, the allergy rose up, the sensitivity, the alcohol, the craving became manifest in my body and I had to have more to drink. But I was right about one thing. I could handle two drinks and so the only thing I could think of was to get out of there. Get out of there and get home because home I had a fifth of whiskey and no restrictions, you know. And I had to have an excuse to go home. One has to have. I came to know on the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that most alcoholics are certainly given to rationalization. And at a time in my life when I quarreled with the word restorative sanity and the use of the word insanity in the book, I began to look up definitions of insanity and I found that Webster says that rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior and that socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity. And it solved all my problems and cleared up my confusion when I found this definition.
But I was still in the act of active alcoholism and rationalization and I had to have a socially acceptable reason that would take me home from that party. And I developed an excruciatingly painful migraine headache. Now I've never had a migraine in my life. I'm not even subject to headaches. But I'd heard them described by people who did have them and it sounded very dramatic and I thought everybody would understand. And so I pleaded a migraine. And they excused me and said they were sorry to see me go. And I went home and drank whatever part of that fifth was necessary to black me out on my feet, which was my drinking pattern. And like the true alcoholic I am, I went back to the park. Now I was attired a little differently. The costume had changed.
I had put my hair up in curlers and I never do this, so you can imagine how that works. I had cold cream all over my face. I was in white satin sleeping pajamas, which was an act of God right there because I don't sleep in pajamas. I sleep in a nightgown. And I was barefoot. And I'd come in a taxi and everybody knew this because they had to pay the driver. And I've often wondered whatever became of those dear and close friends of mine in Los Angeles. But because there seem to be some women alcoholics in this room tonight, and I'm sure that you know what I mean, I'm not sure about you fellas, but you'll know what I mean when I tell you that the next time the mayor of Fort Worth came to Los Angeles I was the only person he called.
Oh, you fellas do understand. I see. So this should give you an idea of the kind of practicing alcoholic that I'm talking about when I talk about wind loss. Now my drinking progressed from that point and got worse,
[00:10:04]
if you can imagine that, until I found myself ultimately completely defeated in every area of my life. When I started out in this life, perhaps just like you, growing up, making plans, dreaming dreams, setting goals, and so convinced they would all come true. And many of the goals that I set did come true. And I tried every technique that I could run across anyplace for finding this sense of happiness and peace of mind and serenity that I always thought would be the dividend when I arrived at the top of the heap. And yet with the things that I actually accomplished, there were no rewards. This thing was always missing. I looked for it through every source, but I concentrated particularly on men. I thought they could supply me with all the things that I needed for inner satisfaction and reward and happiness and security and peace of mind.
I actually married four of them, believing that this might happen. And all of those marriages ended in divorce. And I came on AA into a new marriage that ultimately ended in divorce. And I have to say it because it's an honest program. The first marriage was for money. I had concluded that I knew how to have everything in the world that would make me happy, but there was no way that I could get enough money to do this on my own.
And it seemed to me that as I tried to discover how I might obtain a lot of money, that the only commodity that I had was me. So I decided I would marry a fortune. And I did. It's really not that rough. You simply go where they are when you're very young. And I thought for a while that that would settle me down inside and the anxieties would be filled. I came to know that an unlimited bank account, the fastest car that could be bought, none of these things took care of the inner restlessness. And money was no answer. And I've had very little regard for it ever since. And I went to this man after about 11 months and told him that obviously we had made a mistake. We had made a mistake. And he let me go. And then I went to sing with a small band. And I had no voice, but in those days I could wear a white satin evening gown without anything under it. And this was about the only asset that you needed in this particular area.
And I went to work for a band leader that was six feet, four and a half inches tall. And he had never been married. No woman had ever hooked him. And every night I would watch the women come up and they screamed and swooned and did all these things that they probably still do. And they looked up at him and they wanted him and everybody wanted him and nobody had ever got him. And I thought, now, if I get him, if I marry him, I will feel worthy and wanted and secure and all these things I'm looking for, I will have. And we were married. And it had been a hard, rough campaign and it took me a little while to recuperate. And for about three months I coasted on this euphoric state that actually came from fatigue. And everything was looking up until one day he said to me, you know, I made up my mind to marry you the first day I saw you.
And you know what happened to me. And pretty soon I had to go back to work. And I had to And you know what happened to me. And pretty soon I had to go and say, I'm sorry, but I think we have made a mistake. And I moved on. And I began to look around me then and question everything. And I could find only one answer from all the people that I From all the people that I talked with and from everything I read that apparently these things I
[00:15:05]
was looking for had to begin with love, love for people and principles and standards, but love and I was scared to death to even mention the word. I decided a lot of years before that I would never feel anything for anybody because it gave them power over me and that when they walked away or when something happened I would be so hurt that I couldn't bear it anymore and the only defense I knew against this pain which had begun when my parents separated and went their separate ways when I was a small child I guess was to not love and not feel and I had walked away from anything I found myself growing truly fond of up to that point and here I'm faced with the recognition at last that if I'm to have this inner experience I'm going to have to feel for somebody and about that time I found alcohol and it gave me the courage to feel it was the anesthetic I needed in the event I got hurt and I fell head over heels in love with a hard-drinking man that knew his way around any kind of alcoholic beverage you could name. Now we had some fun in the early days of our drinking. Everything we did with we associated drinking with believe me when we rode horseback we rode with a half pint in our belts because you just never knew when you might meet a snake on the bridle path you know when we bowed we bowed where there was a bar and when we dined we dined where there was a bar and if we were going to be long in the car we had a pint or so in the glove compartment just in case and we played missionary with our friends and we took our bottle when we went you know to save their lives and fantasy and everything we did was connected with drinking was connected with it and my drinking began to be very serious and I began to black out and in the beginning people didn't know this and they thought I did all these things on purpose. My husband began to get quite concerned when on two or three occasions I excused myself from dinner to go to the restroom and didn't come back for three or four days you know he really began to wonder about that and for quite a long while I may have been the only woman in California whose husband quite regularly escorted her to the restroom and waited until she came back out you know on some occasions and I began to have horrible remorse and guilt and fear and and I began to make constant resolutions that I couldn't keep and promises to myself and to others that I couldn't keep and the war came along and he went overseas and I reacted just like a child whose parents had separated I've been abandoned again and rejected and all these inner things where I'd never grown up emotionally at all and I was still that small child and in the beginning I said I'll drink only alone and at home I know what happens to women in bars I said to myself do any of you know what happens to women in bars and none of those things were going to happen to me I was not going to permit it but I wasn't this kind of a drunk I'd have a few drinks at home and then I'd have to go out and find out what the rest of the world was doing you know and all those things that happened to women in bars began to come into my experience and if any of you people don't know what happens to women in bars let's talk about it after the meeting I'm over some thoughts and now I really was in that vicious horrible cycle that circle of remorse humiliation rationalization drinking to forget I had been drunk which became the pattern to get over the knowledge I had been drunk and blacked out I began to drink again and of course we were divorced I met a man who had three children and I said to myself I've never had children that's obviously what's the matter I love children and if I'd only had children how different my life would be and I married this man to prove that the children could keep me sober and they did for darn near three weeks and it was at this point in time that I went on please God
[00:20:05]
please God the last drunk I'll ever go on I've heard it said many times in Alcoholics Anonymous and I believe it there's one good drunk in every alcoholic's life and that's the one that brings us into Alcoholics Anonymous and I believe it I was drunk for 60 days around the clock I was drinking to die I completely surrendered the only thing wrong was that I was such a healthy horse that I couldn't die now they tell me a lot of interesting things about that 60 day drunk and I have to take their word for this they tell me for instance that I canned 134 pints of strawberry preserves on that drunk and I find that extremely interesting because I don't know how to can strawberry preserves but they were there when I got sober they tell me too that I went to jail twice and I vaguely remember these experiences for being drunk in an automobile during these 60 days I went to jail for being drunk in an automobile my stepfather who was my drinking buddy went to jail for a 502 and driving the car and in each instance I was told later the officers that said they would be happy to take us home and take the keys away from us you know if we would go home and stay but by the time I got through describing their ancestry of course they had no choice but to take us to jail my stepfather sort of resented this can't understand why I saw the first copy of this book I ever saw in Lincoln Heights jail a girl was reading it and my second favorite escape of course was reading and it was the only thing in there to read in the drunk tank and I was concerned with how I could get the book away from her and she had her suit on wrong side out and it gave me a way to open the conversation and I said did you know you got your suit on wrong side out and she said I always turn my suit wrong side out when I'm in jail it stays springer that way and I remember thinking with a sick mind my wouldn't that be fascinating conversation at the dinner table if you could just find a way to explain how you knew it and so I told nobody until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous about this experience but she knew I needed the book worse than she did and she gave it to me to look through while I waited out that five hours that the law demanded before you could be bailed and I remember thinking my it certainly isn't very well written and I was sure it was fine for her but of course I didn't eat but I reached a point where my mother said something has got to be done she must be committed to an institution hospitalized something has got to be done and she called the doctor in San Diego that she knew I respected highly and asked him what she should do and I like at every opportunity I get to thank those members of the medical profession and the paramedical groups that have taken the time and trouble to find out what this program is about in order to tell family members and alcoholics that this is the solution to this great problem this is the treatment for this serious disease of alcoholism and Thorpe Welch said to my mother look in the yellow pages or look in your telephone directory and call Alcoholics Anonymous they will help you and it's the only recommendation that I can make and he made her promise that she would call and she called the downtown Los Angeles central office and Phil answered the phone and my mother told him about the conversation with the physician and she said of course I'm sure he's wrong my daughter's drunk and Phil said well why don't you just leave all that up to us from this point on you tell us where she lives and we'll send somebody out to see her and we'll handle it from this point on
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and my mother said I don't think you understand she's not a nice person when she's sober sober but when she's drunk she's absolutely unbearable and I wouldn't like anybody to come and be insulted by her and he kept reassuring me and that night Mike and Donnie King came to see me and Mike told me later that I asked him a dozen questions just bang bang bang and I answered every one of them to my complete satisfaction before he could get his mouth open and he went away from there that night saying isn't it too bad but obviously she isn't ready for this program and the next night Ruby and Eddie Givens came to see me the two little mix we used to call them you remember Pete and they walked in and Eddie this little mix that talked so fast and understood so much got my complete attention almost immediately he took a look at my bottle and there was about that much in a pint and he said is that all the whiskey she's got and when they said yes he said you better get down and get her another bottle that isn't gonna last her all night now nobody had ever said go get her another bottle and he got my attention but he said a great deal more to me with that statement that method of communication that channel of communication between alcoholic and alcoholics was wide open and flowing in my direction because he was saying to me I know what it's like to wake up at four o'clock in the morning with a whiskey all burned out of you and not a drop in the house to drink you know he was telling me he knew that because he knew it wasn't enough for all night and he was telling me that he knew what it was like to have to get up and stand first on one foot and then on the other because your toes are going to touch your heels if you don't and the leg cramps are so painful that you can't lie there anymore medicine says we're in the first stages of acute withdrawal from alcoholism the first stage is perhaps the delirium creaming that the calcium is burned out of our bodies and that these are physical symptoms of this condition withdrawal from alcohol he was telling me he knew all about these things that were the matter with me and he told my family she's in no condition to make a decision she can't make a decision but she has the right to make a decision and you must see to it that she has the privilege of decision she must be allowed to get sober and then this program must be presented to her in order for her to make a rational sober decision the important thing about it he said is that nobody can work this program for her you can't do it for her so it must be her decision and he suggested that i'd be sent to a sanitarium to be dried out and then be given the opportunity to make a decision about this program and i came home and called a aide not for many noble motives to be very honest with you i was rip roaring mad i discovered in that sanitarium that as a practicing drunk i have no rights none whatever you can do anything you want to do with me when i'm a practicing alcoholic you can throw me in jail you can throw me in a sanitarium you can cut off my whiskey you can take my money you can do anything you want to with me or i have forfeited my right it made me mad then today i'm grateful that this is so so grateful that this is so forgive me a fifth of whiskey and a fast car and i am an insane person with a lethal weapon you have a right to protect yourself from me and you have a responsibility to protect me from me as a practicing alcoholic but i couldn't understand any of that thing and so i called and said i was ready to give alcoholics anonymous a break and attend the meeting and i went to that first meeting at the masters club in hollywood and they told me as i went in that night that they thought there were three things That they thought there were three things necessary for me to remember.
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And one of the great securities that AA gives me is the knowledge that those three things are still the basic essentials of my continued sobriety. The book says they are indispensable. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. And I didn't grasp any of the meaning. I just sort of hung on to the words. And I know that at that meeting that night, somebody got up and spoke. And I didn't know who it was or what he said.
And somebody read something from a book, and I didn't even know what book. It didn't make a bit of difference, as it turned out. Something had happened to me in that room that had never happened to me anyplace else before. And this is the only thing that I could grasp at all, was that something was going on inside me that had never gone on inside me before. It was an emotional thing. I was feeling something, and I didn't know what it was, but it came to me through all my senses.
And it seemed to me that it was in the room, and I went out of there aware of the fact that there was a thing in the room that I wanted more of. And that thing in the room was enough to let me get through that whole night without taking a drink, and all of the next day without taking a drink. And many times during that next day, I was aware of physical responses to a thought, and I didn't know what I was feeling.
Until late in the afternoon, when I identified this feeling as anticipation, and it was coming like a sharp pain in my solar plexus every time it occurred to me that I could get through another meeting that night, and maybe I'd find that thing in the room again, and that thing hit me inside, that anticipation. And I went to a meeting that night, way out on Hoover, the farthest meeting I could learn about from the Masters Club in Hollywood, as far as I could go to the Mayflower group.
You see, I had to find out whether that thing was in the Masters Club, or whether it was every place you met. And I walked in that meeting alone, and later some people said, wasn't it difficult for you, a gal, to walk in by yourself? And I said, no, not really. Never had any trouble walking into a bar by myself. I don't know why I should have any trouble walking into a meeting by myself. And I must confess, it seemed like an awful long walk down that great big American Legion Hall, when this beautiful lady came running up the aisle to me with her hands outstretched.
And she said, hi, my name's Myrtle. Are you new here, or are you visiting from another group? She didn't even wait for an answer. She knew, but she was kind. And she said, it really doesn't matter. Let me take you down here and introduce you to some of our friends. Our friends. And she took me by the hand and took me down to the very first row in that meeting. I still sit there most of the time. And you moved over for me.
You made room for me. You only had to make about half as much then as you do now. But I know to the depths of my being that if you had to make room for me now, you would. You see, I know that. And you gave me, for the very first time in my whole life, a sense of belonging. You brought me home. You brought me home. And I sat on that first row basking in this sense of belonging and sensing the thing in the room.
And again, I couldn't hear very well. I couldn't concentrate on what these speakers in this round-robin meeting were saying. The reason I couldn't was because there was a bird up in the rafters. And I didn't want anybody to see me looking. I wasn't sure you see. And it wasn't until somebody said, I wish that poor little bird could find its way out of the beams. And I relaxed then. And I could hear what you were saying.
And a man got up to speak.
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A bullet-headed Dutchman, we used to call him when we were talking to him only. And his name was Gus, and that's a love term when you talk to Gus. And Gus got up that night, and he was shaking like a model peace bender. I've never seen anything like it in my whole life. He had a brand new rhythm that completely fascinated me. And I kept thinking, boy, if we could can this, we'd have it made. You know, I've never seen it before.
When he said, I don't usually shake like this. I don't shake at all, he said, ordinarily. But I'm on a dry drunk. And he got my attention. He said he'd been around the program for four months. He hadn't had a drink. And something very traumatic had happened to him. He had had an emotional experience that had really rocked him. And he had reacted to this experience exactly as if he were on a drunk. He was in a squirrel cage.
Mentally, he was in a squirrel cage. Isn't that a great word? I'd never heard this to describe that horrible mental state before. And he said even the shakes were a manifestation, a symptom of this dry drunk he had been on. The only thing that had saved his neck, he said, was something that he had heard at every AA meeting he had attended. If you have an emotional experience that you can't cope with by yourself, and it hits you head on, get to the telephone and call an AA member and call them right now.
Because you can always depend on somebody being squared away that can talk with you and help you get squared away. And lend you the support that you need when this happens to you. And then get to an AA meeting just as fast as you can. And because he remembered what he had heard at meetings, he had been able to weather this thing without having to take a drink. And you were giving me big news. Here was a way to live without having to take a drink.
And oh, I began to collect your telephone numbers. You were truly my security, my family. I even scotch taped a nickel on the front of it, just in case I didn't have change if I needed to real fast. I still had the nickel in that first book. And then it wasn't big enough. You know, and I had to buy another one. Because I was going every place to meetings and getting acquainted with you. And I was reading this book and doing the very best I could to practice the principles in this book.
And strange and wonderful things were beginning to happen in my life. I'd had an opportunity to work with a group at Norwalk State Hospital. One of the most rewarding experiences that I'll ever have. And out of that group, and Pete knows this, and Monto Las Amigas, and the county jail, and Lincoln Heights, Greystone Hotel, all of these things that we worked with in groups came the institution committee that you know about.
And probably work with now. That has grown out of any proportion we might have visualized for it. Even in our grandiosity in those early days. And I began to have wonderful experiences. For instance, somebody owed me a thousand dollars. And they owed it to me for a long time. And finally an attorney said, I've got that for you. You know, we'll have the thousand dollars. Give me a ring tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock and I'll tell you when to come in to pick up your check.
And at two o'clock I was out at the hospital and I went into the public phone booth and I called that attorney. And he said, when something has happened and I didn't enter something, I made quite a mistake. I made quite a mistake, he said very calmly and casually and a little aloofly. And so I'm afraid you don't have the thousand dollars. And he said, the only way you could get it would be to go back to court for it and I'm sure it would cost you that much to get it.
And I hung up. And I stood there for a minute and I thought, I don't feel anything. I'm in a state of shock. But that's all right, I'll feel something in a minute. And I'll be in that disorder and I'll be down at 7th and Spring and I'll scratch his eyes out. Just any minute I'll do that, you know. And any minute I'll feel like it. And I kept walking on across the campus and I didn't feel anything. And I went up two flights and I was in Ward B because we were going to have a Women's Day A meeting that afternoon.
[00:40:00]
And when the door finally closed behind me one of the patients said, when what's the matter with you? You look puzzled. And I said, that's a real good word for it. I should be rip-roaring mad and I'm not. And I don't understand it. And she said, why, what happened? And I told her and she said, what did you do when you got up this morning? And I said, oh, you know what you usually do. You pray and you meditate and you ask for a constructive reaction pattern that will prevent any destructive behavior through the day and you thank God for all the blessings that you have and you go through your litany for your friends and your loved ones and you say the Lord's Prayer and then you repeat that beautiful one that comes right out of the AA book.
My Father, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Release me from bondage of self. Take away my difficulties that victory over them will bear witness to those I would serve of your love, your power, and your will. May I do thy will always. You know this prayer, it's in the AA book. So of course you know it. And so you say this in your morning prayer and meditation and I said to her, that's what I did this morning.
What's that got to do with it? She said, did you ask for protection and care? And I said, yes. She said, well, you got it. And I said, oh. Oh, that's what they mean. You remember the old story about the minister and the flat tire. You know, I'm afraid I too said, well, I'll be damned. And we sat there and discussed how you really get these things when you begin to ask for them and when you begin to practice these simple principles to the very best of your personal ability and you use them in your everyday living.
And on my way home, I found myself laughing in my car. And you know when you're alone and laugh what they say about you. And I laughed every time I remembered how many times I had said I'd give a thousand dollars for a good night's sleep when I slept like a baby every night of my life. And so you had to awaken me to gratitude too, you know. The knowledge that all these things I must be aware of. And then you told me in this book how to keep in peace and awareness this great thing that is a gift from this book.
For it says in this book that when we practice these principles to the very best of our ability that our awareness begins to grow. When we practice the principle of pausing when agitated and asking for care and protection and guidance we pause when agitated and ask for guidance. Saying over and over thy will not mine be done. And when we practice these principles our days become increasingly free, the book says, from anxiety and fear and insecurity and pain.
We find our energy is so much greater for all our energy is being used constructively. We don't tire easily anymore and we can accomplish more than we'd ever thought possible in all our lives when we began to practice these simple principles. And so in the practice awareness began to grow. And one day I got a 12 step call and the office said that the girl was about to kill herself. And I'm sure that she was.
And I tore out in my trusty DeSoto and I got miles from home and I was out of gas. Now this is no big tragedy as a rule but we had a lock on the gas tank because people had been taking it at night and the key to the gas tank was in Hollywood and I was way out on Century Boulevard and I didn't have a key to this lock. And I went through all those usual things how can you be so darn careless you know and all the things that you say to yourself.
If she dies it'll be your fault. And I coasted into a filling station and I found myself coasting right up to the pump and I took the ignition key out and handed it to the man and said please fill it up. And I said yes it is but try it. And he tried it and he opened it. Let's Try It, And He Tried It, And He Opened It, Now, I Don't Believe That God Came Down, You Know, And Changed The Lock, And I Can't Buy The Fact That He Redid The Key, I Just
[00:45:09]
Know That Suddenly Something In Me Said, That Key Will Work, You Know, Now, It Would Always Have Worked, But We Didn't Know It, So We Never Tried It, We Never Carried A Second Key, Neither Did George Neurath, And George Had A Lot Of Fun Showing The Two Keys That Were So Dissimilar, That Worked In The Same Lock, And Then He Would Say, You Know, That The Soda Came Out Of Michigan, And The Lock Came Out Of Manny Moe And Jack's, And Why Should They Work The Same, But They Did, And So We Never Had To Carry Another Key, But The Great Thing Was This Sense Of Awareness At Time Of Need When You Get Out Of Your Own Way, You Know, And Your Thoughts Are On Somebody Else, And How You Can Serve, And How You Want To, And Many Of These Things Began To Happen Repeatedly, And They Still Do, On The Days That I Managed To Stay Out Of My Way, They Still Happen, Now, One Of The Greatest Gifts That Has Ever Been Given To Any Human Being Was Given To Me On This Program, In Addition To Physical Surprises. I Had Had A Resentment Against My Mother All My Life When I Came To This Program, And I Had Worked On It Desperately. I Didn't Want It To Die. It Sustained Me.
It Gave Me A Lot Of Drive And A Lot Of Energy On Occasions When I Needed It, And It Was Certainly The Thing That Gave Me Many Excuses Which I Had Needed In Order To Survive At The Basis Of Many Rationalizations. Now, I'm Told In This Book That Resentment Is The Dubious Luxury Of The Non-Alcoholic, And I Would Emphasize The Word Dubious, But It Is The Killer Of Alcoholics, And I'm Sure It's True. I Don't Find Anything To Quarrel With In The Book, But I'm Sure This Particularly Is True. And I Had Worked Diligently On Resentment After Resentment Because I Was Consumed With It, And In The Practice Of The Program Had Made Amends Whenever Possible, Except In Fact To My Mother. And Even Then I Thought It Had Been Handled On Occasion. And Then It Would Return Full Bloom All Over Again, And My Body Temperature Would Go Up Ten Points With The Resentment And The Hatred And The Feeling, The Ambivalence I Had About My Mother. And One Morning I Woke Up And Realized That My Time Had Run Out. That I Had Indulged Myself Just As Long As This Program Would Permit Me To. That I Must Do Something, And I Must Do It Now About This Resentment. And I Asked In Prayer That Day For An Answer To This Resentment Against My Mother. And I Went On To Work, And A Lady Brought Into The Office That Day A Sack Of Old Magazines For Me To Take Out To The Hospital. And Right On Top Was A Copy Of An Old Liberty Magazine That Took Me A Year To Realize It Was A Liberty. And That Of Course It Had To Be A Liberty. And Across The Front In Great Big Bold Black The Banner Said, A Condensation Of Dr. Norman Vincent Peel's The Art Of Confident Living. And I Cracked It. And On The Very First Page Of That Condensation And The First Word In Big Bold Black Was The Word Resentment. And I Cracked That Word And Said In There, If You Have A Resentment That You Want To Be Free Of, Pray For The Person You Resent Or The Thing You Resent. Pray For Everything For Them That You Would Have For Yourself. Pray For Their Happiness, Their Prosperity, Their Suffering. You Walk. Ask God In Prayer For Them. And I Quit Reading. And I Drew Myself Up To My Full Height And Said, Well, How Phony Can You Get? I Don't Feel Any Of These Things.
I Don't Mean Any Of These Things. And He Is Asking Me To Be Dishonest. Now Sinner I May Be, But Hypocrite I Am Not. And Something Made Me Read On. And In The Next Paragraph He Said, Even If You Feel Like A Phony, And If You Feel Like A Hypocrite, And It Is The Last Thing In The World You Want For That Person, The Very Last Thing, Go Ahead And
[00:50:06]
Do It. Do It Every Day He Said, For Two Weeks. And You Will Find You Have Come To Mean It. And You Will Find You Have Come To Want It For Them. And You Will Find That You Are Walking Free From The Resent. Well, I Was Pretty Desperate Like I Told You. The Pain Was Pretty Deep. And So I Did It. And It Worked For Me. And It Worked For Me Hundreds Of Times Since. And It Will Work For Me. Any Time I Am Willing To Work It. Now There Are Times When I Am Not Willing. You Know, I Am Not Going To Give Them The Satisfaction. They Don't Even Know I Am Mad. But I Am Not Going To Give Them The Satisfaction. And At That Time I Have Learned That I Have Another Privilege Which You Gave Me. And You Tell Me All About It In This Book. When I Am Not Willing, I Have The Right To Pray To Be Willing. And When I Pray To Be Willing, The Willingness Comes. You Know. And If You Are As Hard Headed As This Nick Is, Sometimes Maybe You Too Are Going To Have To Pray To Be Willing To Be Willing. You Know. But However You Do It, It Works When You Work It. And I Can't Tell You How Important That Was To Me. And How It Has Grown In Importance. I Had The Pleasure And Privilege Of Telling Elsa Tonight That My Mother And I Live Together. We Have Now For Almost Three Years. And That I Don't Know For Sure How It Is With My Mother. But For Me It Is Great Joy. It Is Wonderful Joy. I Am Loving It. Truly. And Isn't It Appropriate That In This Winter Time Of Our Lives, When We Are All The Family We Have, She And I.
That These Last Years Should Be Joy. And All Of This Is Your Gift To Me. You Made Every Bit Of It Possible. And You Began Giving Me This. As You Have Been Told Tonight. Just 26 Years Ago Tonight. And It Will Take The Rest Of My Life To Thank You For It.