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Source: Wesley P – Ego Deflation at Depth (1978) – Date Unknown.mp3 File: wesley-p-ego-deflation-at-depth-1978-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:16:16
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Good morning. That's better. I feel at home. I'm yelled at at home, so I just want to be yelled at here. You know, it's just nice to be in Texas. You know, I've been in Texas a lot, many, many times in Alcoholics Anonymous, but this has been one of my greatest weekends in Texas. I have never been to a greater conference than this. The speakers have been outstanding, and I think we owe each one of them a rousing applause. They have certainly let us know what this program is all about, and I am deeply appreciative of it. You know, every time I'm making a talk, I always mention Texas, because you taught me one thing, that if I don't tell my sobriety date, that you might think I don't have one. And so it's part of me to say that they say in Texas that if you don't give your sobriety date, most likely you don't have one. So my sobriety date is November the 13th, 1947, and I have been through living this program through the prime of my life. And what I am today, and what I'll ever be, I owe to this program. It's just as important to me as the blood in my veins. And what I am, or what I will ever be, I owe to this program. And I want each and every one of you to know that although I have been sober for over 36 years, I need the program more today than I needed the day that I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, because I am still an alcoholic.
I am still one drink from a drunk, and therefore I have to work harder today to maintain my sobriety than I did the first day I came in AA. Today, I've got everything to lose. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have nothing to lose, because I was qualified. So, you know, they say in the big book, you tell what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now, but they don't tell you when you have to start, do they? They say you tell what it was like. Well, hell, if you lived in this program 36 years, you've got a lot of things to tell what it was like, you know? A lady just asked me if I knew how it was at 10 years. Sure I know how it was at 10 years, I remember. So I can start my AA talk anywhere, and make an hour AA talk, because I came from nothing, so every bit of it's been a growing experience. So it's something that I think is my responsibility. It's my responsibility to start my AA talk wherever I think the group of people that I am talking to would like to know about, because I've had the time. And this is not a braggadocious thing, it's just a matter of fact. You know, for a long time in AA, I never used the word thankful or grateful, because it seemed to me that we used the words synonymously in AA. And I couldn't understand what some people was meaning by the word of being grateful. And I couldn't understand what they meant by the word thankful in their conversations, and in their talks. And so therefore, I didn't know what they meant either, so I kept my mouth shut about it. And so one day I picked up a book, and it just so happened that this author had, of course, two words across the top of the page of one of this book, was thankful and grateful, and I read it. And it fascinated me, because it gave me a definition that I understood. It said that whenever you are thankful for something, is when you are directly benefited. I'm thankful for the invitation to speak to you this morning, and tell you my story about our colleagues and honors. I'm very grateful for it. I'm thankful for it, and I'm thankful for the food I eat, and I'm thankful for my family, and I'm thankful for my friends that I've gained in our colleagues and honors. I'm thankful for all those
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things through the grace of God, and only through his grace. The word grace means an unearned favor.
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Through his unearned favor, I have received these things. And this man went on to say that when you are grateful means that you are willing to reciprocate for those things that you're grateful for. In other words, to make payment thereof. To be as good to God as God has been good to you. And what a terrific thing. And you see, this is the only way. Me standing in front of you and telling you my experience, my hope, with you and share with you. This is the only way I can repay God for what he's done for me. No other way. And I can't even touch the principle I might pay a little of the interest, that's all. Because this book here, the book Alcoholics Anonymous, there's a hundred promises in it or more. And I have received every promise that's in this book through the grace of God. Every promise I've received. You know, a lot of people wonder, I know it's a good question, because I'm asked a lot of times, it says, how do you stay sober for 37 years if you're a real alcoholic? You know, that's a good question. How many of y'all like to know how you stay sober for 37 years when you come from nothing? You know, what do you have to do? How do you stand these low moments and these high moments? These discouraging things and the devastation that you see out in the world and hear about and read about all the time. And how do you cope with them? You cope with them through the Alcoholics Anonymous program. That's how you cope with it. And it's not but one place you can find the Alcoholics Anonymous program. One place and one place only.
It's 164 pages of this book. The first 164 pages is the Alcoholics Anonymous program. It's the only way you can find it. And then it has some backups. We have four textbooks in Alcoholics Anonymous. This is number one. 12 and 12 is number two. A Comes of Age, which is a history, is number three. And as Bill sees it, is number four. Those are four textbooks of Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is where you find how you can develop a program of living that you can get the joy of living out of. And I know no other place for an alcoholic to find it. I know no other place. Now there might be a place, but I've never found it. I'm talking about myself. There's two parts, I believe, of Alcoholics Anonymous. One is the fellowship. Now you've enjoyed a lot of fellowship around here this weekend. And when you go to your group on meeting night and you enjoy the fellowship of the group, that's one thing in Alcoholics Anonymous. But there's another thing in Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The program. Each and every one of us, I believe, has to get our own individual program. And we have to apply our own individual program to ourselves. We have to make it the number one thing in our lives. It's top priority. It has to come before everything. Everything. It has to come before our families. It has to come before our job or business. It has to come before society.
Because without our program, what are we? And so therefore, the more that we learn about this program, the happier we are. And the happier we are, well then the more joy of living we receive through this program. It's just that simple. When I was, oh, four and a half years in AA, I thought that I was God sent. I was one of five that started AA group in my hometown, in Palmino Beach, Florida. Now that lives halfway between Miami and West Palm Beach on the Gold Coast.
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And I was the only one after a very short time left of the five. The rest of them took sabbaticals and, you know, the normal procedures. And so therefore, that made me the old timer, you know, and I took the position. And so therefore, I was the guru of the group. And I maintained that position for a long time. I was the only one that could pick a speaker for my group because I was the best 12-stepper in the group.
And I knew more about it than anyone else. And so I'd make all the 12-step calls. And so everybody was my pigeon. And so I didn't want my pigeons contaminated with bad AA. And so therefore, I picked the speakers. And I ruled the group. And of course, I had a lot of pigeons. And for some unknown reason, all of a sudden, I came to and I realized that my pigeons were drunk. And I didn't know why. And I had two, though, that was left. And these two was the pick of the litter, I'll tell you right now. They were good AA's, I thought, because I had tutored them well. I had let them have everything I had.
And so I got a call one morning from Little Al-Anon, and this Little Al-Anon says, he's drunk, Wesley. I says, after all I've done for him? And she says, yes. And a few more minutes, the telephone rang, and this Little Al-Anon says, he's drunk, Wesley. I says, who is he out with? And she told me, and I says, well, that figures. And so therefore, I was stripped. I was a failure again. And I didn't know what to do. I was all alone. And so I went in to see my wife, Rena, and I says, Rena, I'll never make another 12-step call as long as I live.
I'm not going to quit AA. Now, I'm going to clean up the cups and the cigarette butts. I'm going to wash the cups. This was full foam cups. And I'm going to do those necessary things, but I'm not going to make any more 12-step calls, or I am not going to sponsor. No more drunks and alcoholics and others. And she says, well, Wesley, what's the trouble? I says, every one of them are drunk this morning, after all I've done for them. And I says, you know, Chris lied to me. Now, Chris is my sponsor, in name only.
I hadn't seen Chris in a long time. I talked to him. Because, you know, Chris was the type of sponsor that if you go talk to him, he would take the opposite view. And he would just irritate the hell out of your disease, you know. And he irritated mine so much that I decided I would have him in name only. Now, I picked my sponsor for prestige. He had a lot of prestige, I thought, in Alcoholics Anonymous in Broward County, because everybody looked up to Chris.
And therefore, I wanted nothing but the best, and I thought it was a step forward in my political ambitions in Alcoholics Anonymous to pick a sponsor that would be outstanding. And when I'd say, they'd say, who is your sponsor? I would say, Chris, you know. And so, I hadn't used him and talked to him in a long time, because he would always argue with me. And after I got through, I said, I don't know why I went down to see him anyway, because I'm going to do what I want to do anyway, so it's not necessary to go see him.
And he just disturbed me, as I said. So I said, you know, Chris lied to me, and she said, what did Chris lie to you for?
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I said, Chris told me the more of this program I give away, the more I get. She said, well, that's not true, is it? I said, sure not. She said, well, why don't you go down and talk to Chris? And I said, that's a good idea. I thought it was. So I walked up to Chris' house this morning, and I knocked on the door, and Chris came to the door, and he reminded me of a disciple. He had on an old bathrobe. He should have thrown it away 20 years before.
He looked like a disciple, you know. He looked like Abraham Lincoln without a beard. That's exactly what he looked like. About Abe's height and everything. And Chris says, well, look what the cat's drug up here this morning. Get your chin off your navel, boy, and tell me what your trouble is. And I said, I didn't come down here for none of that foolishness. I said, I come down here to tell you that you lied to me.
And as far as I was concerned, that was an unpardonable sin, you know. He said, I lied to you. How have I lied to you? I said, every pigeon I've got is drunk this morning after all I've done for them. He said, is that so? I said, yes, it's so. And you told me the more of this program I give away, the more I get. And he says, well, what's wrong with that? I said, it's not so. It's a lie. He said, well, you just haven't looked at it in the right perspective.
And I said, what are you talking about? He said, how can you give away something you haven't got, boy? And I said, what are you talking about? After all I've done for them drunks in Pompano Beach? He says, you haven't done nothing. He says, I'm ashamed you're even a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I said, you're kidding. He said, come on in here. I want to talk to you. He was retired, so hell, he had all the time in the world.
So I come in and sit down. He says, you know what my bird dogs tell me? I said, I didn't even know you had bird dogs. He says, I got bird dogs all over where you live. He says, they come down here and tell me that you still lie, you still cheat, you steal, you run around on your wife and you're no good father. I said, Chris, don't say things like that, you hurt me. And he says, well, Wesley, you come down here and call me a liar, boy.
And he says, I've been waiting on this day. I just been waiting. You know, your sponsor's always waiting on you, isn't he? You know that? If he's a good sponsor, he's always waiting on you. He's going to let you have it. And so he took off and he said, you know, when are you going to start 12-stepping the right person? And I said, what are you talking about? He said, when are you going to start practicing what you're preaching?
That's what I'm talking about. He says, you don't know the first thing about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and you're running around here like the blind leading the blind. And he says, boy, he says, I'm telling you something. You're the worst thing that ever happened to Broward County AA. I said, Chris, don't say things like that. You know, I've done a lot. He said, you haven't done nothing. He said, you're nothing but just full of self-glorification.
He said, that's all it is and that's the worst thing a drunk can have. He says, how you stayed sober for four and a half years? He said, I know it's four and a half years because every time you get around me, you tell me it's four and a half years. He said, how you stayed sober this long, I don't know. And I knew he had me trapped. I knew that because I had to face the truth. And I said, well, what am I supposed to do about it?
He says, well, first he says, I want to tell you a little about the program you don't know. He says, you don't even know what the first step says. I says, what are you talking about? He says, what does it say? I said, we admit we're powerless over alcohol in the last common measurement. He says, that's not what it says at all. He says, you don't even know how to read. He said, between the word alcohol and that, there's a dash or a hyphen, and that's put there for a reason.
He said, everything put in the big book is put there for a reason, Wesley. And he said, that hyphen means that the context of the sentence is changing
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or the step is changing. It's in absolutely two different opposite parts. And he says, you're supposed to pause when you reach that hyphen, if you read it correctly. He said, now say it like you're supposed to say it. And I said, we are powerless over alcohol. Our lives have become unmanageable. And he said, I'll give you credit for the first half of the first step, but that's it. He says, you have done nothing about your unmanageable life, and how you've stayed sober for four and a half years, I don't know.
He says, have you ever read the big book? And I started talking about something else. And he says, don't jump the traces on me, boy. He was an old farmer from Kentucky. And he says, have you ever read the big book? And I said, well, I've spot read it. There's spot readers in Texas? I don't think so. Oh, he says, you're one of them spot readers. I said, yeah. He says, have you ever read the doctor's opinion?
I said, no, sir. He says, you know nothing about alcoholism, then. I said, I sure do. I know if I take a drink, I get drunk. He says, is that all you know about it? I said, that's enough. He says, no, that's not enough. If it was enough, Wesley, they wouldn't have put the doctor's opinion the first thing in the big book. He says, you've got a problem. And you know nothing about your problem. I says, how can you do anything about your problem if you don't know anything about it?
So therefore, I suggest to you to read about your problem and find out something about it. He says, the greatest piece of literature that's ever been written on alcoholism is the doctor's opinion in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's why it's the number one thing in the book, to find out what your problem is. See, he wouldn't tell me what my problem was. He made me dig. He started me digging.
And he says, after you find out what your problem is, then you've got to identify with the problem. You've got to really find out whether you're an alcoholic or not. And he says, you know how you find that out? I said, no, I don't. He says, the very next thing in the big book is the first chapter, and it says, Bill's story. Bill's story. He says, Bill was a real alcoholic. He said, now, I don't want you to get confused over this.
He says, you know, Bill was born in Connecticut, so that would make him a damn Yankee, wouldn't it? I said, yes, it would. I was born in South Georgia. And he says, you are a rebel. But he says, that ain't got nothing to do with alcoholism. Nothing. And he says, Bill worked on Wall Street, was a Wall Street broker. And you are a half-assed electrician in Papineau Beach. That ain't got nothing to do with alcoholism, does it?
I said, no, it don't. He said, well, let's don't get those two things confused. We're going to read Bill's story for one thing and one thing only. It's for you to identify as to whether you are an alcoholic or not, because Bill was a real alcoholic. He says, does that make sense to you? I said, yes, sir. He said, well, now, after you have found out what your problem is, and after you have identified with it, your problem, then the next thing you have to do is what?
I said, I don't know. He says, well, I've tried to find out what the solution was to the problem. I said, well, that's a smarty-smart idea. You know, sure. He says, well, the very next chapter in the big book says, there is a solution. How about that? There is a solution. And he says, you know, that's the promise. That's the first promise in the big book. If you are an alcoholic, you have a problem.
And if you identify with the problem, then there is a solution. Isn't that a wonderful thing to hear? There is a way out. And so he said, so there is a solution. He says, so see, that's how you get started in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, they say and how it works. He says, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. He says, you have never been on the path. You have been detouring ever since you've been in AA.
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He says, do you know how to get on the path? I says, I sure don't. He says, well, do you know what a path is? I says, well, yeah, I know what a path is. It's something you walk down. He says, well, do you know what an old Chinaman once said? That if you are going to take a 3,000 mile journey, the first thing you have to do is take the first step. And he says, what's the first thing you have to do if you are going down that path?
That AA path. I says, I don't know. He says, stupid, you take the first step. I says, that's so dim. He says, what's the second thing you do? I says, I don't know. He says, well, you take the second step. He says, now what's the third thing you do? I smiles and I says, you take the third step. He says, that's right. Now you know how to go down the path. Now, he said, there is a solution that starts you on the path.
Because it starts telling you about what your solution to alcoholism is. And then it comes to the next one is re-agnostics. I mean, more about alcoholism. And he says, that tells you something about unmanageable life, what you can expect in story form. And then it says, re-agnostics. He says, that tells you about God, what you've got to do about God. Now, you've got to make up your mind in those two steps, the first and second, whether you can be restored to sanity or whether you cannot.
Because after you pass that part down the path, then you've got to get in action into your life. You've got to make a decision about what you're going to do. So you've got to be firmly convinced about the first four chapters in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. As to what you want to do. What you want to do with your life. And then he says, you come to number three. And he says, that is a decision. That is a decision.
And it says, now you're at step three. And so it tells you precisely how to take step three down the path. Then you go a little farther and it tells you how to take step four when you're going down that path. You know, a lot of people think Mr. Hazleton up in Minnesota has got the only way to take the fourth step. That's a bunch of hooey, you don't need nothing but the big book, that's all. This is written for alcoholics, what I'm talking about.
This is alcoholics. Fourth, then it comes to the fifth step. Sixth step. Seventh step. Eighth step. Ninth step. Tenth, eleventh, and twelfth. You see, this is the path. This is the path. There's no other path. Believe me when I tell you that. They say in Florida, but I wouldn't say this in Texas, but I'm talking about them Florida A's. They say if you want to hide anything from a drunk in Florida, all you have to do is put it in his big book, that's all.
I wouldn't say that about Texas. But here's your answer. This is where you get your program. This is where you find it. My sponsor never would dig these things out for me. He'd say, go look at the book. I'd say to him, he says, how are you going down that path, boy? I said, well, I'm having trouble with that fourth one. That fourth step. He says, well, you know what your trouble is? I said, no, I don't.
He says, you haven't taken the third. I says, well, I've had trouble with the third. He says, you ain't taken the second. And I said, well, the second's been a lot of trouble. He says, well, you better start all over again. He says, it says that you've got to be third from the very start. That's what it says. It's not what I said. It's what the book says. And so that's it. Well, thank God Chris taught me this this morning because I was open-minded about it.
I realized that something was wrong because I sure had not. I was in worse financial condition after four and a half years in that A than I was the day I came in that A. And I was in bad enough shape when I came in that A. But I really got under. The only reason I wasn't bankrupt at four and a half years was because I was in worse financial condition. The only reason I wasn't bankrupt at four and a half years in the AA is because I just didn't have nothing to bankrupt, that's all.
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You know, if a person can't get a little something out of you for bankruptcy, he's not going to spend no money trying to bankrupt you, you know. Right, Ray? So, so I just didn't have nothing. So on my way home that morning, I decided that I was going to become a student of this program, as far as I was concerned. I was going to do the best toward Wesley P. that I could do. I realized, and he kept saying this over and over and over, this is an inside job.
It's an inside job. What I'm talking about, if you're going down that path, nobody can lead you. You've got to go down that path all by yourself. Half measures will lead you to nothing. There's no way for anybody to help you to go down that path. Because you have to do it inside. It's an inside job. And it's very important, if you start this, down this path, it's very important to realize that's what you're after.
An inside job. And you've got to know what the inside job is all about. It tells you three times. In the big book, in the footnote, it says on page 25, 27, 47, I think it is, and they refer you back to appendix 2 in the big book. To tell you precisely what you're looking for. You're looking for a spiritual experience. A spiritual awakening. Some people have a spiritual experience, which happens in the most minute moment of time.
Most of us, though, it's a gradual process. It's an educational thing. And we have to understand that. We have to understand that. And it says there on the bottom of the page, it says that we find that people that do this tap an inner resource that they call a power greater than themselves. And the big book says lack of power is our dilemma. And this is what the big book is all about. And no one can do this for you except you.
No one can do it for me except me. Sponsors. And that's why when the young man read How It Works Today, he come to the three pertinent ideas. A, we're alcoholic and we cannot manage our own lives. That's one. Step two is B, that probably no human being can relieve us of our alcoholism. No human being. No human being can relieve us. No human power, it says not B, but no human power can relieve us of our alcoholism.
That means your group can't do it. That means your sponsor cannot do it. That means your church cannot do it. That means your minister can't do it. It means that you have to do it. You and me. This is an individual challenge to each and every one of us. And as we grow in this program, we understand this. And so it's stricter than an inside job. Now what is an inside job? This disturbed me for years, what an inside job was.
Not for years, but for a long time. I couldn't figure out what this inside job was, what it was supposed to do for me inside. And one day I just happened to be reading this book, A Comes of Age. That's the history of A. And I run across a story about Bill having his spiritual experience. And it scared him to death. He was like on a mountain and a wind, a spirit of wind went through him and he felt clean for the first time in his life.
And he didn't know what had happened and he told Dr. Sitworth about it. And Dr. Sitworth said, well Bill, you better hold on to it because it's doing you some good. The next day, Abby walked in the room and Abby, his sponsor, gave him a book called Variety of Religious Experiences by William James. And Abby told him to read it. Now this is a tremendous story for me because it gave me the key. And Bill couldn't understand the story because the book was too deep, I mean the book, because it was too deep for him.
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But finally he realized that this book was trying to tell him what had happened to him the day before. And he consumed the book the moment he realized this because he knew this book was going to help him. I'm going to stop right here for a minute. That's the same thing what this book will do for you. If you know that you know that you do know that you know that you do know that you know that this book was written for you, an alcoholic, you can consume this book.
But if you don't think this book is going to help you, it's not going to help you. Just that simple. Every word will immediately be as clear as a bell if you know this book will help you. And Bill was the same way with this book, Variety of Religious Experiences. Because he consumed the book and he started reading and he started finding out what this book was trying to tell him. And all of a sudden he come across three words, and I've heard that around this convention this weekend.
And it made me so happy. And these three words were deflation at depth. How many of you all have heard that statement of the alcoholics? Hold up your hands. Sure, you all use it here. Deflation at depth. That means EGO. Selfishness and self-centeredness. The root of all of our troubles. This is what the inside job is all about. And this is what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It's getting rid of self, our greatest enemy.
EGO, E-G-O, edging God out. Easing God out. God means, G-O-D means, good oriented direction in our lives. And you see, we are the only ones that can do it for ourselves. No one else can do it for us. And so therefore, it becomes important for me, and I think it becomes important for you as a member, that you've got to wear this program of Alcoholics Anonymous like a garment. You've got to wear it around you all the time.
It's that type of program. You know, a lot of times if you read the characteristics of a sheep and a shepherd, you know a little lamb keeps running away from its flock. And he's a little lamb that's uncontrollable, and the shepherd can do nothing with him. You know what the shepherd does with him? He puts him around his neck and carries him. And he pets him, and he wears him like a garment. And after a period of time, the little lamb starts to love the shepherd.
And then the little lamb never runs away again. That's the way this program is. You've got to wear it that way. And so I found this out, that this was an inside job, and I knew what the inside job was, that all my troubles lied within myself and no other place. There's not one person in the world I can change, and that's me. I can give you all the lip service in the world, and I have nothing to do except that.
You have to put it into action in your life if you like it, or you can forget it. It's one of the two. So I learned that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was like alcoholism. Alcoholism to me is a self-inflicted disease. No one is ever born an alcoholic. They might have a neurotic personality. And they'll have a neurotic personality as long as they live, but the moment that they take a drink and that alcohol starts controlling that neurotic personality, well, they start using alcohol.
And that's how they become an alcoholic. Alcohol causes you to be an alcoholic. You know what you have? Alcohol causes it, and that's all it's done. So we drink the alcohol, and so we inflict ourselves with alcoholism. And so if we want to arrest the disease of alcoholism, we have to inflict ourselves with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
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with the same enthusiasm that we inflicted ourselves with alcoholism. We got enthusiasm. Do you remember that enthusiasm? You woke up in a strange place and you didn't have a dime in your pocket and you was hung over? I'll guarantee you you got a drink if you was an alcoholic. That's the way it is. So we had enthusiasm. Well, you see, now I'm ready to walk down the path. I found out what I have to do.
And, you know, I found out that I hadn't taken step one even. Chris gave me credit for step one, but I hadn't taken it because I had a religion in my mind about being an alcoholic. I would say, well, I'll admit that I'm an alcoholic, but in my second breath, in my subconscious mind, I would say, I'll admit I'm an alcoholic, but damn it, I don't like it. Why me? Why me? Why did God inflict me with this disease?
Why didn't he give it to somebody else? Why can't I go out here and enjoy soft music, Mellow Lights, and Chanel No. 5 like everybody else? No, I can't do it no more. You know, crying my beer. And I was very resentful about it. I had a very belligerent attitude. And, you know, I read something in the appendix after I started reading it from those footnotes, and it says anyone with a belligerent attitude of intolerance and was intolerant and had a belligerent denial can never get anywhere in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
That's what it says. So the first thing you have to do is get rid of belligerency. Because as long as you're belligerent, you're completely self-centered. Completely self-centered. And as long as you're self-centered, there's no way for light to enter inside of you. You'll stay dark. And so I found out that I had to get rid of that belligerency. And the way I got rid of it, I had to surrender. And this is nothing new in Alcoholics Anonymous.
If you read Dr. Bob and the old-timers, they'll tell you that the first members of Alcoholics Anonymous, before they could even go to a meeting, had to get down on their knees and surrender. It's nothing new. To one drink of alcohol. And this is what we have to do. We have to surrender. Unconditionally. You know, my life parallels Germany and Japan. I remember whenever we started fighting in World War II, we told both of these countries that we would not take a surrender unless it was unconditional.
And both countries went through an unconditional surrender. In other words, they had a change of attitude, didn't they? And I look at them today, the most powerful nations in the country, in the world, is Germany and Japan, because they changed their attitudes. Well, that's exactly what happened to me when I surrendered. I changed my attitude. I became hungry for this program. And I began changing because I wanted to change.
I began to understand the big book because I wanted to understand it. Now, I'm not preaching here this morning. I'm telling the truth. But I had to do. And this was the basis of me staying sober as long as I've stayed sober. If Chris hadn't took the time for me this morning and poured me out and blessed me out and everything else, I would have never made it. There would have been no way for me to make it.
But, you know, there was a great lift from my shoulders when I surrendered to alcohol. It's bigger than I am. And today it's bigger than I am. One drink's too many and a thousand's not enough. And I know this. I know what a phenomenal craving is. I've seen it being set up in other people. And I know God didn't make me no different than them. I know this. You know, then I had no… Then, I had, I had no, I had, after I surrendered to it, I started thinking about my unmanageable life, and my total life was unmanageable, total, there was nothing about my life that was manageable, and the worst thing in my life was money, I spent more time with money than anything else.
[00:45:13]
I could make money, but I could never manage money, now this is a Floridian talking now, I know this ain't true in Texas, I couldn't manage money, I always bought what I wanted, I never bought what I needed, and if you'd sell me something on credit, I'd take two of them, right away, that's the way I was, and I was always in, I spent most of my day running down wallpaper, you know, I was a wallpaper hanger, I'd write bad checks, and I spent most of my day trying to get up money to cover those checks in the bank, you know, and they was bouncing every which way, every once in a while I'd catch one, but I'd work awful hard trying to keep them, I knew it was wrong, but I got out of it just a moment of relief by just writing a check and signing my name to it, and then the rest of it was nothing but misery, you know, and I just couldn't manage money, so I finally realized this, and I said to myself, I said, well I'm gonna get me a CPA, and I'm gonna fix this thing up, and then I thought, and I said, well, I said, he'll find out what kind of businessman I am, he'll go around town, tell everybody, like everybody didn't know, but you know, you know, pride got in my way, I can't do that, then I come up with the idea that I'd get me a combination secretary and bookkeeper, you know, and I said, I can't afford that because I'll have an affair with her, then my wife would get on to it, and then I would be in trouble, and so finally one day I thought of my wife, just out of clear blue sky, I said, you know, when that girl and I married, she had a thousand dollars, now I know she had a thousand dollars because we spent it on our honeymoon, you know, and I said, you know, that girl knows how to handle money because she got that thousand dollars out of a little old bitty dry cleaning business, I said, I'm going home and talk to her, so I went home, and I walked in, you know, all peaches and cream, and she was in the kitchen, it was Monday morning, she was working, and I said, Rena, you know, honey running off my lips, come in here, I want to talk to you, she said, I don't have time for that this morning, I said, you don't even know what I'm coming in here for, she said, I've got a good idea, I said, come on in now, I want to talk to you, so I got her sitting on that settee, she said, what do you want, I'm in a hurry, that's the way you Al and I are, I said, I want you to come to work for me, she said, what could I do for you, when you left this morning, you didn't want nothing to do with me, now you want me to come to work for you, what can I do for you, I said, I want you to manage my money, she said, I thought you wanted me to come to work for you, what money do you have to manage, and I said, don't be facetious, I'm trying to give you security, security, you're worried about your children not having a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food on their table, and here I'm offering you opportunity, and she had some four letter words, I'm not going to say those, but anyway, in a period of time, she said, well, we've tried everything else, we just want to try that, and immediately, I turned it over to her, now the reason I tell this story is this, this is the first time in my life, that I ever gave just a little bit of Wesley P. to anybody, just a little bit of it, because I always kept me tightly to my breast, you know what I mean, and if you started interfering in my business, I'd let you know, but here I'm offering for somebody to take part in it, you know, that's a great step forward for an alcoholic, it's such a great step forward for me that I have never had a bad day since then, I've never written a bad check, or I've never had a bad financial day since that day, believe it or not, and I've done nothing but prosper ever since, because I became willing to change, I became willing, and I've never taken it back, today I have no idea what my wife's got, but as long as she gives me what I want, I don't care, and I have what I want, and so that's all there is to it, well, I went down to see Chris, and I told Chris I couldn't manage my life, he told me that,
[00:50:22]
when he started this thing off, and I said, Chris, I said, I want you to be my living manager, he said, what are you talking about, I said, I want to live like you live, I want to cut out all this dishonesty, and cheating, and lying, and stealing, I want to be a good husband, and a good father, and he said, I wouldn't take that job over all the tea in China, I said, why not, he said, there's just too much wrong with you, he said, it would be impossible for you to get rid of all of it, you know, he was only four or five years sober back then, and I said, well, Chris, I said, I need you, and finally he said, well, he again said, if you jump the traces I'm through with you, I'll try it on for size, but that's all, he said, I know it's not going to last, and I said, well, try me, and so for 25 years, this man taught me how to live, he taught me literally how to live, and how to run a business, you can run a business honest, you don't have to cheat in business, it's just not necessary, and I found I had out everything at home more than I needed, you know, today my wife and I, we celebrate our 48th wedding anniversary, May the 7th, we love each other more today than we did the day that we married, you know, that's remarkable, you know, Chris had a Lincoln automobile, it was 40 feet long, and it had electric windows, and to me, that was the epitome, if I could ever own a Lincoln automobile with electrical windows, that's the only thing I'd ever want, I used to run his battery down, run those things down, and today, Reena and I both got one, so you see, that's the difference, it's just, I mean, I have to tell you, it's not breaking, it's the difference between surrendering and not surrendering, that's all, it's the difference between being NAA and on the perimeter, changing your attitude, it's all within, it's an inside job throughout, and then I got my life, then I got that, and then I started listening more to the podium, because my mind opened up a little bit, and everybody I heard talked about God, just talked about God freely, unashamed, and the people that I admired the most in NAA were the people that talked the most about God, and finally I said to myself, it must be something to this God business, and so I had a woman, she was black-headed and black-eyed, and just looked like a, her skin looked like a peach, you know, beautiful, and I went out to see her, to find out how she lived to have such a charming personality, and I knocked on her door, and she came to the door, and she says, she says, come on in Wesley, she says, I'm baking a cake, go in the living room and sit down, I'll be right there, so I went in the living room and sat down, and what I did, my eyes went to the wall, and that was a picture, and this picture was a sailor standing at the wheel of a ship, and all around this ship was a rough sea, and this sailor didn't have one trace of fear in his face, and I had rolled out three typhoons in the China season, I know what a rough sea is, and it amazed me that this artist had not put fear in this man's face, but he had no fear, and all of a sudden I realized that in silhouette right behind this young man stood the Prince of Peace, and he had his hand on his shoulder, and he was pointing away, and I says, you know, this young man's got a friend, and my mind went back to the first day I was in AA, first day I was in AA, I didn't have one friend, and the reason I didn't have a friend was because I didn't want a friend, that's all, because everybody I come in contact was trying to take away from me the rights and privileges to drink alcohol, was you that way? My God, I despised them, my wife used to say to me, my God, why did I marry you, I had fifty to pick from, and I got you out of the litter, why? I don't know, my mother said, why did God give me a son like you, I said, I don't know, she was a hard-shelled babbler, you know, the worst type, and they used to send a little preacher around to see me all the time, and he'd stay about ten minutes from me, and he'd shake his fist in my face, and he'd say, boy, you're going to hell, and I said, I'll meet you there,
[00:55:02]
and the people I did business with said, boy, when you get through with this job, don't you ever put your foot on my property again, life is too short to mess around with a drunk like you, I don't like to be talked to that way, do you? But when I come to you, what did you do? What did you do? You told me about yourselves, you didn't even condemn me for what I did, you didn't even ask me how much money I had in the bank, I lied anyhow, but you didn't even ask me, all you did was told me about yourselves, and you allowed me the privilege of sitting there and listening, and to open my mind up to what you were saying and to identify with you, and finally, I said to you, I said, well, if you're that way, I'm that way too, so I must be just like you, I must be an alcoholic. Through communication, we started understanding each other, and the first thing you know, we had sealed a bond of friendship.
You can't stand in this corner, me in this corner over here, and just look at each other and seal a bond of friendship, we have to have communication between us, and my mind went back to that picture, and I said, that's what this young man has done, he has communicated with the Prince of Peace, because communication is the start of all understanding. Ray is a salesman, Ray has to study specifications to find out about what he's selling, is that not right, Ray? If you don't know what you're selling, you can't sell it, I mean, you're a star in the dark, it's impossible to sell something if you don't know anything about it.
So communication is the start of all understanding, and so therefore, I never asked this woman what I came to talk to her about, I made my mind up what I was going to do, and I went back to my place of business, and I got me a wooden box about half the size of this podium, and I put it in this little time delivery truck, and as I drove around to my electrical jobs, I talked to the Prince of Peace, just like I'm talking to you.
And you know, through this communication, we started developing a friendship. Now this sounds a little weird, but after a period of time, I could feel his presence, and the first thing you know, the friendship got so developed that I started talking about the nitty gritty part of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, the insanity, the things we do under the state of insanity, that we are so ashamed of and feel so guilty about.
Oh, I had them by the jillions, it's not necessary to go into them, you know what I'm talking about. I felt dirty inside every time I got around my children, I just wouldn't forgive myself for what I did under the influence of alcohol. And he would say to me, he says, well, Wesley, he says, why don't you live the program of Alcoholics Anonymous? He says, that's why you're talking to me, he says, you know, since I've been riding with you, you haven't been doing those kind of things. I said, yes, but I did them.
He says, well, Wesley, the program says live today. He said, you know, today, yesterday is a promissory note. I mean, yesterday the council checked that tomorrow is a promissory note, today is cash, spend the cash. I says, I know, but I did them. I couldn't forgive myself. And, you know, this went on for quite a while, and finally one day I was forced to go to an A meeting. I didn't want to go, but I was forced to it, because when the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear. Whenever you have to take a step forward in this program, somebody is going to give you the answer.
And this woman got up to the podium, and she says, you know, the greatest thing on earth is to learn to forgive others, but the greatest, the greatest thing on earth is to learn to forgive yourself, and I says, that's my hang up. I'm living in the yesterday. I cannot live this AA program and feel guilty and ashamed of what I did yesterday, because the program of Alcoholics Anonymous demands that I live today. Is that right? So, it really makes no difference what I did yesterday, because this is a brand spanking new way of life that I'm trying to acquire, and so therefore, should I destroy this new with something old? And so in a very short time, And so in a very short time, I have, I had no guilt about anything. I regret the heartaches that I caused my loved ones, but if that's what it took, that's what it took, so what?
[01:00:02]
Nothing I can do about it. You see, if I hadn't been an alcoholic, let's be frank about it, I wouldn't be standing here today. You would have no earth to use for me, would you? Yeah. There's a lot of things I wouldn't have if I had not been an alcoholic. There's no stigma to being an alcoholic in Alcoholics Anonymous. This little town I've lived in ever since I've been, I come and become a drunk there, and I've been a member there all this time. I have never had anybody come up to me and slap me on the back and say, Wesley, I'm glad to see you're wall-eyed and loop-legged.
Never have. Is anybody in here ever been congratulated for being drunk? I've never seen a hand raised, but how many of you have been congratulated for being sober? You see, I look at you, hold your hands up, look at that, look at that, all of you. Now, is it a shame to that? It's just that way. You see, we're God's children, we have nothing to fear when we come in Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is how we are, this is how we take the second step, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. That we have no shame of yesterday, but we're going to live today the best we can, and we make a decision to turn our lives and our will over the care of God as we understand him, as we understand him. We say to God, we say, God, our way is the wrong way. Take our hands and lead us down that path. It's the only way to go. The only way I've ever found to go. Because you see, if we go through this life full of fear and frustration, we will never do this inside job, because fear will rob us. Fear is the greatest enemy we have. And the only way that I've ever been able to whip fear is through trusting God, there's no other way.
And the third step of Alcoholics Anonymous is a complete state of trust. It says made a decision, made, M-A-D-E, it's a finished product. When you made something, it's finished. No, never will anybody kid you. It don't say make or making a decision. It says made, M-A-D-E, made a decision to turn our life and our will over the care of God as we understand him. In other words, that's me telling God, God, my way is the wrong way. I've lived my will, self-will run right long enough. I want your will. I'm putting my self in your hands. And if you truly have made that decision, you have no fear, because you become one of God's children. And God's children just don't have fear. Because the next thing you have to do in this inside job is make a searching and fearless moral inventory.
You've got to quit pretending to be something that you're not. And you've got to look at yourself exactly the way you are, not the way that you pretend to be. And you've got to bisect yourself right down the middle and open up and look. And write down on a piece of paper what you see and what you've done. And you can't do that if you have any fear. Now you can use a hyphen in that. You know, a lot of people try to kind of shade this word fearless. F-E-A-R-L-E-S-S. Now the word fearless to me, and this is my interpretation, and I'm entitled to my opinion, the word fearless to me means without fear. Now you can put a hyphen in there, fearless, and that means you have less fear.
Right? You're a schoolteacher. But you got no hyphen in there. They say you got to be fearless. So my friend Cease from up in Canada says if you've got an eraser on your pencil and there's any erase parts marked on your inventory, you've lied. I don't know about that, but that's what he said. So that's the way it is. There's one man that I heard one time say what he found or diagnosed when he took his fourth step, and his name was Howard Benhoff of Cleveland, Ohio. And Howard said, got the rest of his soul, he's dead now, but he's a great AA. And Howard said that he found out that
[01:05:03]
he had gangrene of the soul. And I know no better way to put it. I just don't know no other way to put it. That was me. It was the greatest thing I've learned about Wesley P. because I became willing to be my physician. I was willing to take the medicine part. They diagnosed, well, and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was the medicine. And it says immediately you go in and take the fifth step. It gives you a few little outs in the big book. If you're under certain conditions, well don't take advantage of them. Immediately you're supposed to do it. And you take your fourth step along with you. If it's not thorough, well you haven't done a good job, so no use taking it. You'll have something left to take over in the fifth step, then you got to take the fifth step over again, right? And so therefore, it's got to be thorough from the very start. That's what it says. You've got to be willing to give up these old ideas. All the results is nil. Ain't what I say, it's what it says. And I found this to be true. And you've got to admit to God, to yourself, and another human being, the exact nature of your wrongs. Not, not a few of your wrongs, but the exact. The words that Bill used in formulating the twelve steps are positive words. And when the original manuscript was written, after you've passed the third step, passed the third step in the big book, the original manuscript, he never used the word we and yours and this that in the plural. It was all at the eye level. So you see, Bill intended this program to be used at the eye level, but it was a psychiatrist down in, if you read Acomes of Age in New Jersey, that said he thought the book would sell better if they changed the I to we. And so they all changed it. But that didn't change what has to be done as far as we individuals are concerned. This is still an inside job. They're not, in the twelve and twelve it says there's only one way to take a fifth step, and that's to be honest with yourself, to be honest with God, and to be honest with your fellow man. So that's it. You're getting that garbage out. Over in about page nine of the big book, it says brand on every man's mind that he can stay sober regardless of anyone. The only thing he has to do is trust God and clean house.
It doesn't say, it doesn't say clean house and trust God. It says trust God, then clean house. Because if you don't trust God, you won't clean house. And so therefore your fourth and fifth step will not be complete. I'm only saying what I have found in the program. And then you come to the point of where it says that we've become willing for God to remove all our defects of character, our sense of commission, things we do every day that we know that we shouldn't do.
And then the seventh step says, how many ask him to remove our shortcomings, our sense of omission, the things we don't do every day that we should do. Now this is my interpretation. Someone else may have another interpretation of the big book. Somebody asked Bill about why he used the two words that they were compatible, and Bill said, well I learned in college that you never use the same word in two sentences following each other. I don't believe that. I think that these things were divinely inspired, and I think that a shortcoming and a character defect in my mind is absolutely opposite. One is the things you do every day that you shouldn't do, and the other is not doing everything today that you should do. See, they're absolutely opposite. What you do do and what you don't do. To me that makes sense. Then it says be willing to make amends. You see how the step processing of the deflation, getting rid of self, you're getting farther and farther away with self, and you're getting closer and closer to God. Because you're relying on God now, blind faith that God is going to be your guide. And then it says that you become willing to make a list of people you've harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. You still use your
[01:10:08]
four-step for that because you put these people down, the people you've harmed. And then it says to be sure that you don't bring something up and dig a skeleton out of the closet that might hurt someone else. Be careful in the night. If you're going to harm someone, just forget it, just forget it. And maybe it will be corrected some other way through the grace of God, and it will be. All mine was. I don't see why yours shouldn't be either. And then it says after you've done all this, you continue to take a personal inventory. And when you're wrong, promptly admit it. Spot check yourself every day and be sure that you're following out what you've been doing while these things won't creep in again and build up. Clear the deck every day. And when you're wrong, promptly admit it. That's deflation. It's hard to say that you're wrong, is it not, as an individual.
And then it says through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand. Praying over his will, willing for us and the power to carry that out. Well, I know what God's will for me is today. God, God said, build a better world. And I said, how? It's so large and so complicated now, and I'm so small and useless, Sam, there's nothing I can do. And God in all his wisdom said, well, all you have to do is just build a better you.
That's all. That's all. That's all he expects of me, all he's ever expected of me. And that's all he ever expects of you, I assume. And then it says having had. You see, you have eliminated self. Self-reliance is out of the way. In other words, you don't rely on self anymore, you rely on God. You don't, you don't defy God anymore, you rely on him. You see, when you depend upon self, you defy. When you depend on God, you rely. Just that simple. You rely on God. And having a spiritual awakening as the results of these steps. Then we have a message to carry. We try to carry. We don't poke it down anybody's throat. I poked down enough throats, I made them sore.
Caused a lot of trouble. It doesn't say that. We're planters of seed. We plant the seed of alcoholics and alcoholics, and God makes it germinate. That's none of our business. He makes it germinate, but we plant the seed. And if we can throw a little fertilizer on it, once in a while it might happen, a little water. But he makes it germinate. The best 12-step job I can do is just walk down the streets of my hometown sober, carrying the AA message in my heart.
Because what I wear in my heart, I wear in my face. And it's an attraction. We attract people to Alcoholics Anonymous, as individuals, from the power of this program. And we practice these principles in all of our affairs. This doesn't mean we practice when we're at AA meetings. This means in all of our affairs. What time is it? What time is it? Huh? What time is it? So, you see, it's a process of insight. And you find all of that in these books. And you as an individual, like I am, we all have to learn it. And we all have to practice it, and put it in our lives.
It's here. Now, these are Florida books. I brought them with me, just in case that there was none here. Because these are my pals. But I checked one or two of them, and they're exactly like. Now, over on page 249 of this book here, I want to read you something. If you think I've been carrying on a bunch of hooey here this morning, I want to read you something. It's Dr. Thiebaud. Now, Dr. Thiebaud was a pretty smart cookie. He was one of our first.
[01:15:11]
It is common knowledge that a return of full-fledged ego can happen any time. Years of sobriety has no insurance against its reoccurrence. No AA, regardless of his veteran status, can ever relax his guard against the encroachments of a revising ego. Recently, one AA writing to another reported that he was suffering, he feared, from halitosis, a reference to the smugness and self-complacency which so easily can creep into an individual with years of sobriety behind him.
Does that tell you something? It doesn't make any difference how long you're in this program. You know, you've always got self to contend with and the more of these worldly things that you acquire through the goodness of God, the easier it is to go back to self and easier it is to inflate than deflate.