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Source: Ralph J – Speaker Talk with Introduction by Barney B. (1968) – 1968-05-06.mp3 File: ralph-j-speaker-talk-with-introduction-by-barney-b-1968-1968-05-06.mp3 Duration: 00:28:10
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Our first speaker, whom I met some two weeks, I believe it was the second week on Friday, after I came into this program, is a gentleman who came to, I came to know and love, as I said, and the thing that, we have two things very, very much in common. The first is that we both have an alcoholic problem, and the second thing, which is more important to me, we both have a God that we know and love and understand, and I can recognize in Him. Ralph, come on up and tell us.
Well, my name is Ralph, and I am an alcoholic, and through the grace of God, and attempting to follow this program and everybody's help, I have been sober since December 2, 1946. Barney didn't know that my first meeting I ever went to was in Abilene in December of 1946, nearly twenty-two years ago, but when I first went to Coleman to see Macon, which I had been drinking, I had gone to Dallas to try to find somebody who took me.
I didn't go anywhere, and so just coming out from under it, really, Jewel was my sponsor, because I went through there in the middle of the night, and she said she'd talk to me one or two o'clock in the morning, and so she did, and I went to come back and see Macon when I came back, and all I ended up talking to somebody in Dallas and getting drunk again, and I wasn't a city boy. I got drunk in little towns, and bud, that's rough for a country boy to get lost in a city, you know, and get all your money and do dirty things like that to you and leave you broke, no money to buy whiskey with or anything.
But yet, that big shock there did something to me and made me determine more than ever that I wanted to do something about my drinking. I'd had so much of these hangovers. I couldn't drink all the time. I got so drunk that somebody had to help me sober up. They did anyway. So mine was just a continuation of sober up and being happy, and I was just getting along fine, but then I'd take that one drink.
I was just going to take two or three, and down I'd go again for about ten days, over and over. But anyway, I stopped by and saw Macon, and guess what he told me. He talked to me about 15 minutes and said, go home, sober up, and I'll come see you. So I did. So in a week, he called me, and he had a sick man in Abilene Hospital, so I went to Coleman. We came up here to meet him. Now I never will forget, he's upstairs somewhere downtown, and the first thing somebody had to do was a couple that were drunk up in the hall.
I had to take them down and take them home first. And then after the meeting, they waited until some of them left and decided they wouldn't have it in the meeting here anymore. They'd have it in the homes, so they could keep it quiet where they were going to have it. And this one guy that'd drink all during the week and then come to the meeting, he wouldn't know where they're having the meeting. And I thought about that a lot, and said, maybe we should use that every once in a while, because there's nothing like a drunk at an AA meeting, I know that.
You know, it'd be bad if I had to follow this guy over here talking, but you know it's not bad at all, an amateur talking first. Because I'm not worried about what I forget and don't say. I know John will tell you about it, what I don't get over. So that's the way I feel about him, he'll be able to tell you what I forget. But that's the way I was. It seemed like every time I was needed before I was an AA.
Well, you know, that strain, I guess, I didn't realize it left after I was an AA, and situations would come up that, you know, I wouldn't know what to do. Well, I never had to face them without a drink when they'd get rough that way. Even my child would get sick, I had to have a drink, you know, that was hard on my nerves. You know, and then get drunk, and sick John, and drunk father, and that was a real good life.
[00:05:00]
But just over and over. But I still don't understand what happens to a person's mind when they can go 25 years like I did, and then turn right around and say, I'm just going to take three drinks and not get drunk this time. And you take that one drink and that's all you need. You don't have to worry about whether you're going to get drunk or not, because you don't care. But that's the way it was. Oh, I tried everything, cures and everything else, psychiatrists.
But when Macon told me about that AA program, it seemed like it just hit me just right. And so then he came over to Angelo and helped to start a group there. And I don't ever want to forget, though, that when I went into AA, that everything was just easy. I know I never did have a slip, but I had a bunch of slips beforehand, before I found AA. And it's just through the grace of God that I made it without having a slip.
Because I remember once when I just had to have a drink. There wasn't anything I could do about it, I had to. I was there in Ozona. And I decided, well, tomorrow I'll go buy me a bottle. And as soon as I decided I'd put it off till tomorrow, well, I relaxed. And of course I was, thank God that I had put it off, because I didn't want it there. And, but so many things. That's why it's so important to keep our AA close to us.
And keep us reminded of who we are, what we are. That there's nothing I'm more afraid of than egotism. Because that old me, you know, that I can do it. In all of us, I think it keeps cropping back. You can try to turn your life and will over to God. But all the time in these situations, you know, you get confused in what's God's will and what's my will. And if it's our will, it sure can get things messed up.
So it's just a continual process of trying to stay on the beam, or get back on, rather. And an old saying, you know, either go backwards or forward. We don't stay still, so if we don't keep trying a little bit to improve ourselves, well, we do go backwards. But it's just simple to me, you know, this program. If you just try it and follow it and see if it doesn't make you happy and have a little peace of mind.
Just that simple. If you turn your life over to God and trust in him, why, it'll make you happy. And there's nothing like a little happiness and peace of mind. And get rid of some of those fears we had. I did. I didn't realize what all it was, but I know I had a fear. Especially in the morning, you know, when you wouldn't remember the day before. And you wouldn't know whether somebody was coming by the house, wherever you were, you know.
And don't know why you ran over the car, or no telling what you'd done. And those years of that, I never did know, you know, to wait a while and nobody appeared, you hoped that was it. But people have been real mad the next day. And I learned to apologize pretty early. I was glad to apologize. You see a man just shaking all over, and you know he's mad at you. Well, you're drunk. People say it's hard to learn to apologize.
Something like that will teach you. But in this AA program, we learn to follow in these steps. And, oh, I was talking about that egotism. That egotism keeps God out of our lives, you know. And if we have him in our lives, and realize that how small we really are, even whether we're alcoholics or not. That it's not only our drinking, but everything else, how dependent we are on God, or this higher power.
And I like to remind myself all the time, how really small I am and helpless. That I have to have his power, and have to ask for his help. Day by day. And, oh, yesterday I don't guess I had much trouble with it. Yesterday I adjusted to forgetting about it. Yesterday I guess I wouldn't have been able to drink again.
[00:10:00]
It wasn't so bad. I learned to forget that and dismiss a lot of it. But I was always manana. My wife still calls me manana now. I don't know whether I've progressed much or not. But I finally had to shear. The machine moved in the other day, and I had to shear it and get it over. Sometimes I put it off, but it finally comes around. But it turns into today, and you have to do it. But… I don't know where I was now.
Well, that reminded me of a joke. Maybe that will get me started again. They were having this funeral in this town, and it was a real prominent man. They had a great big funeral, and, oh boy, all the prominent people were there. And this undertaker looked out, and this drunk passed out on the sidewalk. You know, he nearly had a fit. He grabbed him, and he and his assistant took him inside. And all the rooms were full. There was people everywhere. They wanted to put him.
So his assistant said, well, he'll stay passed out for hours. Let's just put him in this coffin. So they just picked him up and put him in that coffin where nobody would notice him. So one of them reached over and got some lilies and put them in his hand. So sure enough, in two or three hours, he woke up, you know, and he said, I'm dead. I'm bound to be dead. I'm in a coffin. I wouldn't be in this coffin if it wasn't dead.
Flowers in my hand. I know I'm dead. But if I'm dead, why do I have to go to the bathroom? At my age, I can appreciate that, sir. Now, all that was coming in to AA. But, uh, I had to go to the bathroom. Now, all that was coming in to AA. But, uh, I don't understand people that go to AA a long time and then stop going. And I'm also afraid of that. I don't want any of that. It's stupid. It's the most stupid thing I could do is to quit going to AA and lose the happiness and the peace of mind and the love of people.
You might have the love at a distance, but I mean the association and close association of people. I think that's one of the biggest things. Well, as I've heard it said, that God worked through people. His love through people. But, uh, I even catch myself now being timid and even at an AA big bunch, you know, be by myself. I catch myself and go talk to somebody. So I was bad to start with. And I just couldn't be real close to anybody.
And I guess living on the ranch too makes you worse. But, uh, in this, you walk in the club, whether it's your home club or where, you know, and you talk to somebody and you just, there's just something about it, that closeness and understanding that, that, well, you just can't buy it, you can't replace it. And, uh, it's just real silly and stupid to quit going to AA meetings associated with AA. But the biggest reason I feel about this AA program, I feel that God was so, I'm so thankful that he was so good to me, let me find it.
There's just a few of us that are in AA, out of all our colleagues, that we found a way of life to where we could live and find some happiness. And that the least we can do to show our gratitude is at least go to AA and be ready to help others whenever we can. We don't have to have a new one every time we help somebody because any time we go in the club, you're liable to help somebody. It does something to you just seeing people.
And, uh, but I am real serious about that. I just feel like he intends for me to be a part of AA as long as I live. And it's kind of a privilege. I, I, it kind of scares me when somebody says, I have to have been in AA a good while. Of course when you first start, you're going for yourself. You're going for yourself, and you've got to have it, but if somebody goes a good while, what are you going for? Going for me still?
[00:15:07]
Well, there's that egotism, you know, you're just thinking about yourself, but if you go into the meeting because there's going to be somebody there you can help, or you'll be there so you can help somebody, then you won't be griping about people what to say, and you'll always get something out of the meeting. And then you won't have to be worrying about yourself all the time. If you're thinking about helping others, that'll kind of take care of itself.
You know, I've had a habit for years of freezing every once in a while, but I don't know why that is. I'll tell you one time when I froze, when I was first in AA, something happened to me once, you know, somebody said something about it, you know, before I was in AA, and boy, I'd have hurt them if they hadn't shut up. I didn't want to hear anything about that. So an old boy in AA, I was just talking away and just froze, you know, and he said, Tell them about the time you burned down the jail. Well, I was so thankful to get off the hook that I just started telling them about it.
So that got me over that, being scared of that, you know. But I don't know, that might have been an accident. I didn't remember getting put in jail. I do remember the smoke and I couldn't breathe, you know. So I started hollering, windows all down in the wintertime, and I thought nobody would come. Finally, this great big sheriff opened up, and oh, he was mad. The smoke just covered him, of course, and he opened that door.
He said, Burning my jail up. So he said, You set those mattresses on fire, and all those mattresses were on one bed. Well, I couldn't argue with him. I'd better get back in that place. So he said, You've got to buy new mattresses for the whole jail. I said, Okay. So we went down and bought new mattresses. So when I was county judge there, the sheriff came up and said, We need some new mattresses for the jail. We want the county court to buy some. And I said, Well, I think they should this time. I bought the last one back there.
But, you know, that's one big thing about AA, just that one thing, you know. I couldn't stand for anybody to mention it. I was ashamed of that. And after we're in AA and our association with each other, we understand and all, we can look on those things and laugh about them rather than cry about them. That's what I was doing about it. But when you've got it all tied up inside of you, it does something to you. And really the only thing that relaxes it is a drink for a while.
But this program, I don't know. Say something to me, Barney. I'm hung up again. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that wasn't so good, you know. We had to drive up from the ranch, you know, Zona to Angelo. And then we'd get up there and they'd brag on us because trying to get somebody to come to a meeting from town. No one even coming in town. They'd brag on us coming so far. So that put us in a spot where you'd have a good-miss meeting, all that bragging, you know, which had its good effect, all right. It kept us coming.
But in those old days, you know, if you missed a meeting, somebody would phone you pretty quick right after the meeting and want to know what was the matter with you. So I wonder sometimes how many don't make it now because we don't try real hard like we used to. Of course, I'll admit there's a bunch of them that try and butt your head that didn't seem to do much good. But at least we're trying. And when you feel like you—excuse I make for fooling with some of them is I just feel like I want to try, you know, and you've got to do it if you feel that way. And once in a while, somebody will come around all right.
But, you know, you can get depressed over working with alcoholics and don't make it. But about that time, somebody else will come along and just do fine. It makes up for everything if you didn't help one person like that, you know. It makes up for all the drunks that didn't want to sober up. Takes that depression away.
[00:20:28]
I think if we can just keep this going, it seems after anybody gets gone, their mind is closed. Now this goes for all people, but you can't change them. And they nearly have to die from alcohol for something else, you know, before they'll listen to anything to where they can find God. The moral is education and kids learn what it is, what alcohol is and what it can do before they get started. Just like I told my daughter, she said she didn't smoke cigarettes till 5 o'clock in the afternoon. I said, well, you're not even addicted. You better quit. So she did. Wasn't in trouble to quit.
And she told her mother, you know, said, they live in California, she said, if I didn't know so much about alcohol, when these kids get to driving me mad, I'd go get me a drink, but I'm scared to. I know better. See, that's progress. It makes you feel good if they can just learn a little bit. Because I don't know what kind of thinking you develop. I didn't believe in the way I got drunk, I know, and I never did have a chance to learn whether I believed that it was alright for me to socially drink or not because I never got a chance to. First time, you know, when I first drank, I got drunk.
So I kind of resent these guys that drank for years socially and had a whole lot of fun because I started having hangovers right away. Alpine Soto, that's when it started, the blackouts. And if you want to start a blackout, that's a good way to do it. And from then on, every time I'd drink and get so drunk, I'd have a blackout for a day or two and not ever remember it. And they're nice to try to remember, too. But, oh, I just can't say enough of this program.
You know, we've got to turn yesterday over to God and let him handle it and not worry about it and be trying to change something that can't be changed. And that mañana and tomorrow, that is my specialty. I was going to get out of debt next year or two years. Maybe I was going to travel. You know, everything was way in the future and I wasn't enjoying what I had. Couldn't because I was just waiting for something else.
And I learned in AA, I better live the best way I can, enjoy the things I had. And if I didn't, you know, if you can't do that, you better start taking a little inventory and see the things that you don't appreciate. But when I used to feel bad and real low, oh, I know when I first came in AA, I'd go about five days feeling good and then I'd be real low before I'd go back to Ainslow for a meeting. And no reason, nothing would happen, just contrary or something.
And then I finally learned how to get over it. But I wouldn't do it. I guess I enjoyed feeling sorry for myself. I'd just stay that way two or three days, you know, and then when I got enough of it, I would ask God to help me get over it and admit to him that it's me. I was just being mean and contrary and it wasn't anybody else. It was just my disposition. And I needed help to change it or I'd be all right. But it would help me more than anything. And I finally decided that I was looking on these low spells as permanent, that I was just that way.
So I started deciding, well, tomorrow I'll feel better or the next day, so it doesn't matter. So I don't care if I feel bad anyway. I'm sober and I think I know what helps me more than anything is to give thanks for the things I have. Even if I didn't have anything, any money or any wife or any family, anything, if I just have my sobriety and bigger than that, how fortunate I am is to just for God to let me know him like he does. And that's the biggest thing in my life.
And with that, I know I can make it and be happy. So if I just hang on to that and not lose that belief in God and his closeness, why, everything will be fine.
[00:25:12]
Thank you so much, Ralph. This man, as I've said, I've known for the six years that I've been in, and I'll call it synonymous. That's one of the things that helped my ego right at the first was the fact that I thought I was doing something to drive 41 miles to Abilene to meetings, and I go down to San Angelo and find out that he's driving over 100, see, so that put me. Another thing that I mentioned that will take care of your ego that happened to me after I'd been in AA for six months where I was feeling very proud of myself.
Most of you heard this, but I went home and told Papa I hadn't had a drink of whiskey in six months now, and he said, you know, son, I haven't had a drink of whiskey in 72 years, and that took care of my ego there. Ralph's story reminded me of a story that's a true story that happened. The man, this alcoholic, was having a terrible time, and he tried AA, and it hadn't worked, and there was an undertaker that got interested in alcoholism, and he had read the big book, and he was working with them, and he wasn't an alcoholic, and he suggested to this man's wife that the next time he got drunk and passed out that they try an experiment.
And so, sure enough, she called him, and a few days, and he was passed out, and they dug a hole in the ground about so deep and put a casket down in that and put him in the casket and run a pipe down, two-inch pipe down through that, and he didn't know it, and they buried him and covered him up. And they stayed out there and started their vigil, and after some two or three hours, well, they could hear a stirring down in there, and the old boy said, a guest must be dead, and this undertaker said, yes, you are.
This drunk said, how long you been down here? He said, oh, about 75 years. He said, well, hell, you ought to know where to get a drink then. And this problem, to me, has meant that I have learned how to live, and that is the most that I have to be grateful for. We're going to have an intermission now for about 10 minutes, and then we'll have our second speaker. Everybody can stretch and meet your neighbor and get you a cup of coffee, and we'll start in about 10 minutes, 3 o'clock.