Transcript

[00:00:01.120 – 00:00:03.460] Nice introduction about being your boss. [00:00:03.460 – 00:00:05.720] That's a long story. [00:00:05.720 – 00:00:08.380] I, I really could talk on that for some time. [00:00:08.380 – 00:00:11.980] Well, my name is Paul, Paul S.. [00:00:11.980 – 00:00:14.120] I, I have no anonymity. [00:00:14.120 – 00:00:24.360] I, I like for people to know that, uh, I belong to AA, and that I have not only tried to do something about myself, [00:00:24.360 – 00:00:27.240] but I have done something about myself. [00:00:27.240 – 00:00:30.740] Uh, about my drinking, I should say.

[00:00:30.740 – 00:00:40.820] Um, and I was, uh, I was thinking a while ago, I don't know how many alcoholics here, I've got a [00:00:40.820 – 00:00:41.580] pretty good idea. [00:00:41.580 – 00:00:45.320] It looks like about a 50/50 proposition or less. [00:00:45.320 – 00:00:46.660] But the… [00:00:46.660 – 00:00:48.440] why are we here? [00:00:48.440 – 00:00:52.120] Big crowd, little crowd, it doesn't make any difference. [00:00:52.120 – 00:00:54.060] We're here for a purpose. [00:00:54.060 – 00:01:03.480] We're here in the first place because our lives have become unmanageable, and we wanted to do something about this.

[00:01:03.480 – 00:01:13.539] Our lives have become unmanageable on account of alcohol, and we then developed a sickness, an [00:01:13.540 – 00:01:15.140] illness of alcohol. [00:01:15.140 – 00:01:22.720] I don't say that, uh, I have recovered from alcohol. [00:01:22.720 – 00:01:29.440] That, that would be, uh, a mistaken statement because I have… [00:01:29.440 – 00:01:34.040] my alcoholic illness has been arrested. [00:01:34.040 – 00:01:38.700] I always will be an alcohol. [00:01:38.700 – 00:01:41.020] I've proven that to myself. [00:01:41.020 – 00:01:51.620] And I finally came to the place that, uh, well, I, I had to do something about it, die, skid row,

[00:01:51.620 – 00:01:53.060] or mental institution. [00:01:53.060 – 00:02:01.000] Uh, why did I, I change and decide, uh, uh, that this was the way of life? [00:02:01.000 – 00:02:11.500] Because I, I beca- I'd come to believe that there was a power greater than I [00:02:11.500 – 00:02:13.380] who could restore me to sanity. [00:02:13.380 – 00:02:15.500] That, that, that's all there could be. [00:02:15.500 – 00:02:25.680] A power greater than I was, ready and willing to restore me to sanity. [00:02:25.680 – 00:02:35.460] I, I don't know anything, people here, I, I think Bernard has probably heard my story. [00:02:35.460 – 00:02:38.620] It's, uh, it's a thirty-five-year affair.

[00:02:38.620 – 00:02:49.850] Uh, I imagine some of you people this morning will be surprised to hear the things that I, I'm gonna tell you, and [00:02:49.850 – 00:02:51.680] there may be some here that'll be shocked. [00:02:51.680 – 00:03:01.780] There'll be nothing vulgar or anything like that said because, uh, I, uh, I don't have to talk in any other [00:03:01.780 – 00:03:09.760] way but tell a straightforward story about my drinking experience, what it did to me, how I recovered, why I wanted to. [00:03:09.760 – 00:03:18.820] And I can bring in a number of stories that I know, and I probably will this morning, about other people's drinking experience. [00:03:18.820 – 00:03:21.380] I, I don't think they were any greater than mine. [00:03:21.380 – 00:03:24.020] I don't care whether– I don't care whether it's any greater than mine. [00:03:24.020 – 00:03:32.280] The thing that I am concerned with paramountly today is the fact that I am sober today.

[00:03:32.280 – 00:03:39.620] Tomorrow, if it comes, you've heard this so many times, I'm gonna try it again. [00:03:39.620 – 00:03:47.880] But today, this beautiful Sunday morning, I am sober. [00:03:47.880 – 00:03:52.900] And I, I got up at the hotel this morning, and I looked in the glass. [00:03:52.900 – 00:04:02.900] And I thought how many times that I've been in similar circumstances, in a hotel room, and looked in the glass [00:04:02.900 – 00:04:03.580] of a morning. [00:04:03.580 – 00:04:13.160] And the difference in what I saw, the, the things, the perceptive things that I could see, the things, the good things. [00:04:13.160 – 00:04:16.519] I looked out the window, and I saw the beautiful sunshine. [00:04:16.519 – 00:04:22.920] So many times in similar cases, I'd get up, and I'd be so sick I'd have to go back to bed.

[00:04:22.920 – 00:04:25.060] Would see nothing. [00:04:25.060 – 00:04:26.080] Misery. [00:04:26.080 – 00:04:26.980] Hell on Earth. [00:04:26.980 – 00:04:32.840] That's the way we lived, and that's the way that every alcoholic in the world lives. [00:04:32.840 – 00:04:43.120] I, I don't set myself up as an example to anybody because there are thousands and thousands of people like I am today. [00:04:43.120 – 00:04:52.200] Some people, uh, possibly want to do something about their drinking, and, uh, they, uh… [00:04:52.200 – 00:04:54.900] we have them on this program. [00:04:54.900 – 00:05:00.000] People say, "Oh, yes, I, I, I, I, I'm so sick," and they are.

[00:05:00.000 – 00:05:05.040] That's the reason at this particular time they want to do something about their drinking. [00:05:05.040 – 00:05:12.440] So they come into AA, and it's a big drying out process. [00:05:12.440 – 00:05:14.400] Oh, then they get to feeling good. [00:05:14.400 – 00:05:16.400] Me, yeah, I did that hundreds of times. [00:05:16.400 – 00:05:23.720] I quit drinking hundreds of times for maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks. [00:05:23.720 – 00:05:30.080] And then I'd get to feeling good, and I couldn't have felt any better, but I wanted to feel a lot better, so I got the bottle. [00:05:30.080 – 00:05:34.060] So that's the way this thing goes. [00:05:34.060 – 00:05:44.080] We know, we alcoholics know that there is a

[00:05:44.080 – 00:05:54.100] power greater than we that is willing and is here at all times to help us, uh, not only with our drinking problems or [00:05:54.100 – 00:05:58.980] our drinking illness, but for just about anything else in life. [00:05:58.980 – 00:06:00.700] I've had that happen to me. [00:06:00.700 – 00:06:04.960] We have desires, uh, good and bad. [00:06:04.960 – 00:06:12.304] A sincere desire, whether it's good or bad, i- if you have it in the right manner, it'll come to pass. [00:06:12.304 – 00:06:14.344] I've had that happen to me, bad and good. [00:06:14.344 – 00:06:24.504] Well, uh, the thing is, as we talk, we, we try to say something that might help [00:06:24.504 – 00:06:27.214] someone that is suffering from alcoholism.

[00:06:27.214 – 00:06:37.584] That, that, that is the paramount purpose of us having these meetings, and the paramount purpose of us getting up here and talking, and telling these experiences [00:06:37.584 – 00:06:38.744] that we have. [00:06:38.744 – 00:06:41.424] Like Bernard here, he told about me being his boss. [00:06:41.424 – 00:06:45.264] Hell, I'm the man that sit in on the investigation that discharged him. [00:06:45.264 – 00:06:50.644] I didn't hold it, but he was guilty. [00:06:50.644 – 00:07:00.744] I, I was the, the road foreman of engines, and the superintendent was sitting there, and the train masters that, uh, the train master that, uh, found [00:07:00.744 – 00:07:10.743] him in this condition and brought him into this investigation, uh, his father happened to be up for an investigation the same day, and I tried his father. [00:07:10.743 – 00:07:15.823] I was the interrogator that asked his father the questions and got him 45 days.

[00:07:15.823 – 00:07:17.404] Well, that was my job. [00:07:17.404 – 00:07:24.544] This boy here, I, I'd known him for so long, and he was a good boy as far as I was concerned, because I drank like hell, too. [00:07:24.544 – 00:07:26.884] I just didn't get caught then. [00:07:26.884 – 00:07:36.884] But as I look at him, uh, whether it's, uh, right or wrong, I think w- we come on this program regardless of [00:07:36.884 – 00:07:38.024] what's happened to us. [00:07:38.024 – 00:07:40.684] I, I lost a better job than he had. [00:07:40.684 – 00:07:42.984] My job paid $10,000 a year. [00:07:42.984 – 00:07:45.084] His only paid about seven.

[00:07:45.084 – 00:07:49.204] I had a big, fat expense account connected with my job. [00:07:49.204 – 00:07:50.064] I lost it. [00:07:50.064 – 00:07:58.044] Couple years after he lost his job, I tried to get him back to work before I got off of my job, but I wasn't successful doing it. [00:07:58.044 – 00:07:59.684] I couldn't do it. [00:07:59.684 – 00:08:06.324] I did everything in my power that I could've done, and bang, here two years later, I, I was disqualified just the same. [00:08:06.324 – 00:08:07.124] They fired him. [00:08:07.124 – 00:08:08.144] I was disqualified. [00:08:08.144 – 00:08:09.204] It's all the same thing.

[00:08:09.204 – 00:08:12.204] It was over drunkenness, as I was in the hospital. [00:08:12.204 – 00:08:22.504] But I have no regrets about that, because I want to tell you at this point, if I had to do the things that I did to be what I am today, I am glad. [00:08:22.504 – 00:08:26.804] Now, that's a funny statement to make, because, uh, is it? [00:08:26.804 – 00:08:35.524] I am glad that if I had to do what I did in the past to be what I am today, I'm glad of it. [00:08:35.524 – 00:08:45.964] Because I never had any happiness until after I got rid of the terrible obsession [00:08:45.964 – 00:08:49.144] that was bugging me, and whatever it was, it must have been the job. [00:08:49.144 – 00:08:57.624] So I, I'll tell you about that a little later on. [00:08:57.624 – 00:08:59.564] I want to start from the start.

[00:08:59.564 – 00:09:00.904] I, I really do. [00:09:00.904 – 00:09:06.344] Charlie, my good friend over here, is taping this thing, and I'm not trying to make it as good as I can. [00:09:06.344 – 00:09:08.824] I'm not trying to make it as bad as I can. [00:09:08.824 – 00:09:14.444] As the lady said over at Jacksonville, I'm no better, no worse than anybody else. [00:09:14.444 – 00:09:19.304] I just want to be what I am, sober. [00:09:19.304 – 00:09:27.064] And, uh, so, we'll take a trip back many years ago. [00:09:27.064 – 00:09:31.724] I was 12 years old, and I got drunk. [00:09:31.724 – 00:09:33.484] 12 years old.

[00:09:33.484 – 00:09:34.604] Just play things. [00:09:34.604 – 00:09:43.064] A neighbor boy, he had, uh, found a jug of whiskey in one of the rumors closets, and we, we drank a water glass full of it. [00:09:43.064 – 00:09:45.884] Well, it made me pretty drunk. [00:09:45.884 – 00:09:47.244] I didn't even know what it was. [00:09:47.244 – 00:09:50.164] I know the whiskey choked me somewhat, and I went home. [00:09:50.164 – 00:09:56.384] My mother ran a boarding house, and I sat down at the table, and I spilled a bowl of beans all over the table. [00:09:56.384 – 00:10:02.344] And, uh, but young, and I got a pretty good tanning for that. [00:10:02.344 – 00:10:07.834] But the thing was, I was young, and, uh, that night I was down at the picture show ushering.

[00:10:07.834 – 00:10:09.424] I had a little job at the picture show. [00:10:09.424 – 00:10:11.844] Made about 50 cents a week ushering. [00:10:11.844 – 00:10:12.624] Hollered down. [00:10:12.624 – 00:10:13.644] It was no bad effect. [00:10:13.644 – 00:10:14.824] I never thought nothing about it. [00:10:14.824 – 00:10:25.184] It went on to, uh, next year, 13 years old, and I was arrested for drunkenness and disorderly conduct [00:10:25.184 – 00:10:25.884] in the city of St. [00:10:25.884 – 00:10:27.364] Louis, 13 years old.

[00:10:27.364 – 00:10:29.944] I woke up in the morning, I was in jail. [00:10:29.944 – 00:10:32.224] I, I… [00:10:32.224 – 00:10:38.524] if it was today, I, I can, I remember everything that was said and everything that was done. [00:10:38.524 – 00:10:41.344] The old sergeant took me in. [00:10:41.344 – 00:10:50.984] He said, "Boy," he said, "you're pretty bad shape." He said, "We're going across the street and get some breakfast, and you're going to eat it." Went over to the little old restaurant, and I got a great big bowl of oatmeal. [00:10:50.984 – 00:10:52.424] Well, I didn't think nothing about it. [00:10:52.424 – 00:10:56.804] I, I wasn't too sick or I didn't feel too good, just a kid. [00:10:56.804 – 00:11:04.484] And some of my friends down there paid a fine for, I think I smacked the hotel clerk in this hotel.

[00:11:04.484 – 00:11:05.424] I'm pretty sure I did. [00:11:05.424 – 00:11:09.204] But those things, now, that's kid stuff. [00:11:09.204 – 00:11:18.344] How many of your children, how many, they call them delinquent boys and girls running around on the street today, they have the same experience. [00:11:18.344 – 00:11:20.984] It isn't what that particular deal was. [00:11:20.984 – 00:11:22.704] I went to college. [00:11:22.704 – 00:11:24.844] I went to Westminster College for one year. [00:11:24.844 – 00:11:26.084] That wasn't successful. [00:11:26.084 – 00:11:29.324] Only for about six months because I drank.

[00:11:29.324 – 00:11:36.284] I didn't drink to, for any other reason because there was a bunch of birds around the dormitory where I lived, kids. [00:11:36.284 – 00:11:39.004] They got booze, and I helped them drink it. [00:11:39.004 – 00:11:42.844] But it seemed like right from the first, I could never get enough. [00:11:42.844 – 00:11:46.084] I always wanted to drink a little more than somebody else. [00:11:46.084 – 00:11:51.964] I wanted to reach a certain state, a certain utopia or paradise that wasn't there. [00:11:51.964 – 00:11:53.924] It never was there. [00:11:53.924 – 00:11:59.984] I never did find that place of drinking through that bottle that I actually think I was looking for. [00:11:59.984 – 00:12:05.303] It was always a blackout misery, loneliness.

[00:12:05.303 – 00:12:07.464] That's what I found in the bottle. [00:12:07.464 – 00:12:13.744] Loss of homes, jobs, wife, everything went. [00:12:13.744 – 00:12:14.784] It didn't make any difference. [00:12:14.784 – 00:12:16.124] I couldn't stop it. [00:12:16.124 – 00:12:17.543] Why couldn't I? [00:12:17.543 – 00:12:26.824] I could've, but I, I'm like all the rest of the men that I've known on this program or otherwise, they actually don't want to stop drinking. [00:12:26.824 – 00:12:30.764] Oh, they say, "No, as sick as I am, I do," but they don't. [00:12:30.764 – 00:12:38.284] Subconsciously, they don't want to stop because they're not even willing to tell you what's bugging them.

[00:12:38.284 – 00:12:42.784] Why? [00:12:42.784 – 00:12:44.344] Why does a man drink? [00:12:44.344 – 00:12:54.364] Well, the popular conception now is the man drinks for many reasons, most of them escape, down through the troubled times into bl- [00:12:54.364 – 00:12:55.184] oblivion. [00:12:55.184 – 00:13:03.824] Then they come along and tell you, as to why a man drinks, it's only necessary to tell me w- what he runs. [00:13:03.824 – 00:13:04.884] I believe that. [00:13:04.884 – 00:13:07.144] I believe that because that was me. [00:13:07.144 – 00:13:09.464] I was running away from something.

[00:13:09.464 – 00:13:10.964] I knew it, but I wouldn't admit it. [00:13:10.964 – 00:13:17.044] There had to be some reason, and 10 months after I sobered up, I sat down. [00:13:17.044 – 00:13:27.504] Taking this inventory that we have, I, I was merely thinking about the things in the past, things that I've done, the why and wherefores [00:13:27.504 – 00:13:33.184] of this, and I come to the conclusion that I was one man that couldn't accept responsibility. [00:13:33.184 – 00:13:39.734] I had some two hundred and ten, twelve men under my jurisdiction, and I couldn't accept it. [00:13:39.734 – 00:13:42.784] I never thought that I had a nerve in my body. [00:13:42.784 – 00:13:47.644] I thought that nothing bothered me, but subconsciously it must. [00:13:47.644 – 00:13:51.044] This thing bothered me.

[00:13:51.044 – 00:13:53.004] My job was running smooth. [00:13:53.004 – 00:13:54.364] My men all liked me. [00:13:54.364 – 00:13:55.564] They worked for me. [00:13:55.564 – 00:13:58.064] If they hadn't have, I wouldn't last as long as I did. [00:13:58.064 – 00:14:00.064] But it had to come. [00:14:00.064 – 00:14:03.824] I was trying to run away from this responsibility through the drink. [00:14:03.824 – 00:14:13.884] And I can go back years ago when I did start to drink to excess, drink to the point that I knew that it was bothering me, and I was having trouble [00:14:13.884 – 00:14:14.164] with it.

[00:14:14.164 – 00:14:21.284] I could go back then and see that I couldn't face the things in life that I should be able to face. [00:14:21.284 – 00:14:23.124] Today, I have no responsibilities. [00:14:23.124 – 00:14:28.624] Today, I don't have one ex- responsibility except to stay sober. [00:14:28.624 – 00:14:30.584] That's the only one I got. [00:14:30.584 – 00:14:40.764] That's the reason I have the present status of mind that I have, because I have one responsibility. [00:14:40.764 – 00:14:43.164] I have no responsibility of a wife. [00:14:43.164 – 00:14:44.624] I'm married. [00:14:44.624 – 00:14:45.544] I live with her.

[00:14:45.544 – 00:14:46.444] I love her. [00:14:46.444 – 00:14:52.004] I like what I'm doing as far as home's connected, but I have no responsibility. [00:14:52.004 – 00:15:01.404] The good Lord must have led me into that because she is able and does take care of herself. [00:15:01.404 – 00:15:06.264] It has to be that way. [00:15:06.264 – 00:15:08.064] I accept it. [00:15:08.064 – 00:15:09.624] Well, why not? [00:15:09.624 – 00:15:12.704] We live a happy, normal life. [00:15:12.704 – 00:15:17.364] But the good Lord led me into this position.

[00:15:17.364 – 00:15:18.004] He had to. [00:15:18.004 – 00:15:20.524] I'll tell you all about it in a minute, but forgot time. [00:15:20.524 – 00:15:26.224] He led me into this circumstance and this position that I am in today. [00:15:26.224 – 00:15:30.644] Well, I wouldn't be married to her when I sobered up quite. [00:15:30.644 – 00:15:32.084] I didn't even know there was a woman on Earth. [00:15:32.084 – 00:15:38.664] In fact, I didn't think there was any women in Decatur because everybody had me branded as a drunk. [00:15:38.664 – 00:15:42.364] I didn't think that any decent woman would even look at me. [00:15:42.364 – 00:15:45.804] All the women that I knew hung around taverns and bars.

[00:15:45.804 – 00:15:51.544] I went with one seven years there in Decatur and spent twenty to twenty-five thousand dollars on her. [00:15:51.544 – 00:15:53.384] I don't begrudge her this money. [00:15:53.384 – 00:15:55.104] Uh, she didn't take it away from me. [00:15:55.104 – 00:15:56.004] I gave it to her. [00:15:56.004 – 00:16:05.724] Drunk, booze, insanity, if you want to call it that, because that is what it is, a form of insanity. [00:16:05.724 – 00:16:08.844] So we go back to school again. [00:16:08.844 – 00:16:09.924] I got out of school. [00:16:09.924 – 00:16:11.384] I w- I, I got kicked out.

[00:16:11.384 – 00:16:12.404] I was asked to leave. [00:16:12.404 – 00:16:13.504] It's a polite way. [00:16:13.504 – 00:16:17.624] And, um, I went back over in this little town in Missouri. [00:16:17.624 – 00:16:19.324] I went back to high school. [00:16:19.324 – 00:16:20.704] I flunked out my senior year. [00:16:20.704 – 00:16:22.284] I couldn't even pass the senior year. [00:16:22.284 – 00:16:25.164] Well, I didn't try to. [00:16:25.164 – 00:16:28.444] I didn't want to, and I, so I went to work on the railway.

[00:16:28.444 – 00:16:29.844] I could work as a machinist helper. [00:16:29.844 – 00:16:31.824] Well, we started thirteen years old. [00:16:31.824 – 00:16:35.704] I went down to Westminster College when I was just over 12 years old. [00:16:35.704 – 00:16:36.804] I was as big as I am now. [00:16:36.804 – 00:16:38.624] They were looking for football players. [00:16:38.624 – 00:16:42.344] They'd give you anything if you could just play football, and, and I could. [00:16:42.344 – 00:16:45.204] I could take a lot of hard knocks, and I was big and rough. [00:16:45.204 – 00:16:50.544] At that age, I played football with the town team in Moberly when I was 10 years old.

[00:16:50.544 – 00:16:51.804] Played center on that team. [00:16:51.804 – 00:16:53.204] I was good at it. [00:16:53.204 – 00:16:54.164] I, I, I was. [00:16:54.164 – 00:16:55.384] I wish I'd gone to college. [00:16:55.384 – 00:16:56.444] Now, now I don't either. [00:16:56.444 – 00:16:59.564] I, I don't wish anything except what I am. [00:16:59.564 – 00:17:05.904] I, I, I've got to say that I got to stick with it because it's my life to be what I am today. [00:17:05.904 – 00:17:12.384] If I had to go out here and sleep on a park bench tonight, and I never took another drink, I'd be better off.

[00:17:12.384 – 00:17:14.424] Th- That's the, that's… [00:17:14.424 – 00:17:24.434] You people who don't know, a- and you people that do know understand, but you people that don't know, just for me to tell you that I, if I had to go out here and sleep on a park bench tonight, I'd [00:17:24.434 – 00:17:26.064] be better off if I never took another drink. [00:17:26.064 – 00:17:29.104] It's hard for you to understand that, but it's true. [00:17:29.104 – 00:17:34.224] Because if I take a drink, I don't know what's gonna happen to me. [00:17:34.224 – 00:17:35.604] I've got a pretty good idea. [00:17:35.604 – 00:17:38.644] If I take that one, I'm gone. [00:17:38.644 – 00:17:42.344] I'm gonna go to hell, if you want to express it that way.

[00:17:42.344 – 00:17:52.364] I'll end up in Peoria, where I go up there and look at those boys and talk to them and love every one of them and do anything in the world for them, and what can I do if they don't want it? [00:17:52.364 – 00:17:58.644] But the thing is that here I am today, a happy man. [00:17:58.644 – 00:18:00.664] Uh, I'm all dressed up. [00:18:00.664 – 00:18:02.264] I could look in the mirror this morning. [00:18:02.264 – 00:18:04.084] I had a clear mind. [00:18:04.084 – 00:18:06.124] I could talk. [00:18:06.124 – 00:18:08.504] I went and had a nice breakfast with you people. [00:18:08.504 – 00:18:09.844] I feel good.

[00:18:09.844 – 00:18:20.124] In the days of yesterday, in the days of yesterday, when you wake up, you feel so bad, [00:18:20.124 – 00:18:23.644] as I say, you have to go back to bed, and sometimes you couldn't. [00:18:23.644 – 00:18:25.704] You'd drag down to the job. [00:18:25.704 – 00:18:27.084] You had to talk to people. [00:18:27.084 – 00:18:28.624] It was a hell on Earth. [00:18:28.624 – 00:18:29.904] It really was. [00:18:29.904 – 00:18:40.084] And we people that have had this alcoholic sickness, uh, fully realize, I think, all of us do, I'm sure I do, that it's so important, [00:18:40.084 – 00:18:43.964] this day to day, the 24 hours, and that one drink.

[00:18:43.964 – 00:18:49.884] But after I got on the railroad, I, I drank spasmodically. [00:18:49.884 – 00:18:57.304] I, I think I was trying to be a big shot with my coworkers, men that were older than I was. [00:18:57.304 – 00:18:57.314] They- [00:18:57.658 – 00:18:59.198] Have the bottle and I'd drink with them. [00:18:59.198 – 00:19:05.438] But then along came Prohibition, and actually that's where it started. [00:19:05.438 – 00:19:13.418] I, uh, I'm not blaming Prohibition for the things that I did, for heaven's sake, but you can blame no one but yourself. [00:19:13.418 – 00:19:16.498] You're the one that does this to yourself, no one else. [00:19:16.498 – 00:19:26.518] But we had, we, uh, I made, uh, this home brew, uh, five gallon, 10 gallon crocks, and then we got alcohol

[00:19:26.518 – 00:19:27.238] and cut it. [00:19:27.238 – 00:19:32.658] I'm 16 or 18 years old, possibly. [00:19:32.658 – 00:19:33.698] I don't know how old I was. [00:19:33.698 – 00:19:34.478] It don't make any difference. [00:19:34.478 – 00:19:37.138] But we drank this cut alcohol. [00:19:37.138 – 00:19:40.198] I, I drank, helped drink a gallon of it many a night. [00:19:40.198 – 00:19:47.838] We'd drink all the beer we had bottled and drink it out of the crock, and that went on for years. [00:19:47.838 – 00:19:50.818] But we'd get up in the morning, uh, I remember those days.

[00:19:50.818 – 00:19:53.518] I, I was younger, I suppose. [00:19:53.518 – 00:19:56.858] It didn't have too much of an effect on me. [00:19:56.858 – 00:19:59.978] I didn't feel like going out and kicking a policeman the next morning. [00:19:59.978 – 00:20:08.118] But this thing progressively got worse with me, and I'm sure with everyone else. [00:20:08.118 – 00:20:10.398] We'd have dry times. [00:20:10.398 – 00:20:10.918] We will… [00:20:10.918 – 00:20:19.278] Naturally, we don't stay drunk all the time, but they got beer back in the taverns, and we'd sit in there, and we'd, we'd drink till we couldn't… [00:20:19.278 – 00:20:20.578] Well, it was in a small town.

[00:20:20.578 – 00:20:21.578] We could walk home. [00:20:21.578 – 00:20:24.118] There wasn't no driving connected with it. [00:20:24.118 – 00:20:25.138] But we did drive. [00:20:25.138 – 00:20:28.118] I've dri- driven a car drunk once. [00:20:28.118 – 00:20:29.738] I have 1,000 times. [00:20:29.738 – 00:20:32.238] I had bad automobile accidents. [00:20:32.238 – 00:20:34.298] I just didn't happen to get caught with it. [00:20:34.298 – 00:20:44.318] But then we go to the time which I, I have an examination to pass if I'm going to

[00:20:44.318 – 00:20:46.038] be an engineer on the railroad. [00:20:46.038 – 00:20:48.068] What am I going to do about it? [00:20:48.068 – 00:20:48.878] I haven't studied. [00:20:48.878 – 00:20:55.358] This, this is a, quite an examination of steam engines, air brakes. [00:20:55.358 – 00:20:57.148] Well, now, St. [00:20:57.148 – 00:20:59.118] Bernard passed that examination. [00:20:59.118 – 00:21:01.438] They didn't have diesels when he was promoted. [00:21:01.438 – 00:21:02.978] It was quite a thing.

[00:21:02.978 – 00:21:07.538] Well, I haven't made any preparations for it, so what do I do? [00:21:07.538 – 00:21:10.698] Well, I, everybody thought I was going to pass it. [00:21:10.698 – 00:21:17.838] I'm sitting in a tavern one afternoon with another fella, and I said, "You know something?" He said, "You gonna take that exam later on?" "Oh, yeah. [00:21:17.838 – 00:21:18.778] I'm gonna take it, boy. [00:21:18.778 – 00:21:20.098] I, I'm gonna take it. [00:21:20.098 – 00:21:20.188] I… [00:21:20.188 – 00:21:22.158] Oh." He said, "You ready? [00:21:22.158 – 00:21:25.118] Ready to take it?" "Oh, yes.

[00:21:25.118 – 00:21:32.838] I'm going to take it." "Hey, you know something?" I said, "I'm going to be a road foreman engineer on this railroad." Yeah, I told him that, drunk. [00:21:32.838 – 00:21:38.478] No more idea about a qualified being a road foreman engineer than, than anybody in this room. [00:21:38.478 – 00:21:41.578] Maybe he'd be more qualified at that particular time. [00:21:41.578 – 00:21:42.038] I don't know. [00:21:42.038 – 00:21:50.478] But to show you how this thing works, to show you that I knew better about this drinking, how'd I pass this examination? [00:21:50.478 – 00:21:51.038] I passed… [00:21:51.038 – 00:21:55.877] When I made this statement in this tavern, I was one month away from this examination. [00:21:55.877 – 00:21:59.478] How in the world did you pass it?

[00:21:59.478 – 00:22:01.998] I passed the top grade in the class. [00:22:01.998 – 00:22:04.438] Top grade. [00:22:04.438 – 00:22:11.098] 13 months after I passed it, I was assistant road foreman on that Wabash Railroad. [00:22:11.098 – 00:22:11.918] It's St. [00:22:11.918 – 00:22:12.718] Louis, Missouri. [00:22:12.718 – 00:22:15.698] In less than a year and a half, I was at San, St. [00:22:15.698 – 00:22:22.338] Thomas, Canada, examining a bunch of firemen for promotion to engineer. [00:22:22.338 – 00:22:24.337] Yeah, I was.

[00:22:24.337 – 00:22:31.358] Peru, Indiana, all over the eastern part of the railroad, examining men for promotion. [00:22:31.358 – 00:22:37.998] And one month before I took this examination, oh, I had a general idea of engines. [00:22:37.998 – 00:22:38.498] Oh, yeah. [00:22:38.498 – 00:22:45.418] But as to answer those questions, some 300 of them, oh, I could have probably answered a dozen. [00:22:45.418 – 00:22:48.218] How'd you pass? [00:22:48.218 – 00:22:49.098] How'd I pass it? [00:22:49.098 – 00:22:51.178] And this is the strangest thing. [00:22:51.178 – 00:22:51.747] It's Sunday.

[00:22:51.747 – 00:22:53.078] I'm glad to be able to tell this. [00:22:53.078 – 00:22:55.818] Sunday or any other day, I could tell it. [00:22:55.818 – 00:23:00.398] But today especially, it brings back something of a Sunday. [00:23:00.398 – 00:23:06.418] Uh, I turned to God for help. [00:23:06.418 – 00:23:09.998] Turned to God for help. [00:23:09.998 – 00:23:16.377] I knew a very religious woman in this small town, very religious. [00:23:16.377 – 00:23:18.778] I knew she knew, oh, I belonged to the church. [00:23:18.778 – 00:23:24.998] Oh, yeah, I got a pin one time when I was a kid for going to Sunday school a year without missing Sunday.

[00:23:24.998 – 00:23:25.938] Yes, I did. [00:23:25.938 – 00:23:33.218] But I turned to God for help, and I meant it, and I knew I was sincere. [00:23:33.218 – 00:23:37.378] I knew that I had the feeling of sincerity. [00:23:37.378 – 00:23:38.678] There's a difference. [00:23:38.678 – 00:23:42.838] We can get down on our knees and pray from now till the end of time. [00:23:42.838 – 00:23:45.918] If we don't mean it, we're wasting time. [00:23:45.918 – 00:23:51.018] But here was the sincerity with no more drink. [00:23:51.018 – 00:23:52.718] No more drink.

[00:23:52.718 – 00:23:54.498] Oh, I didn't drink. [00:23:54.498 – 00:23:57.598] I visited with this woman every day, and she prayed. [00:23:57.598 – 00:23:59.018] And I prayed. [00:23:59.018 – 00:24:00.738] Believe it or not, I prayed. [00:24:00.738 – 00:24:03.338] Maybe not out loud. [00:24:03.338 – 00:24:04.538] We don't have to pray out loud. [00:24:04.538 – 00:24:07.378] I can stand here and say a prayer while I'm talking to you people. [00:24:07.378 – 00:24:10.498] If I mean it, fine.

[00:24:10.498 – 00:24:12.618] If I don't, it's wasted. [00:24:12.618 – 00:24:18.158] But lo and behold, I took the examination, and the, it was, uh, I couldn't hardly believe it myself. [00:24:18.158 – 00:24:19.318] It just come like that. [00:24:19.318 – 00:24:24.077] 13 months, I'm, I'm, I'm road, the assistant road foreman of engines. [00:24:24.077 – 00:24:26.618] In a year and a half, I'm up at St. [00:24:26.618 – 00:24:32.658] Thomas, Canada, Peru, Indiana, Montpelier, Ohio, examining men for promotion. [00:24:32.658 – 00:24:42.778] I had had a demonstration in this particular case about a divine power who is always here now, but [00:24:42.778 – 00:24:44.238] is always ready to help you.

[00:24:44.238 – 00:24:48.258] He's close as your breath, your hands, your arms. [00:24:48.258 – 00:24:51.178] He knows before you ask for these things. [00:24:51.178 – 00:24:52.638] He knows. [00:24:52.638 – 00:24:57.598] But here I am one that knows, and then all is passed, and it comes up. [00:24:57.598 – 00:24:58.138] I go to St. [00:24:58.138 – 00:24:59.318] Louis as road foreman. [00:24:59.318 – 00:25:02.678] I, I go a year down there without drinking. [00:25:02.678 – 00:25:10.502] I take one glass of beer, and I don't remember Of, uh, for about two years after that, that I didn't drink almost continuously.

[00:25:10.502 – 00:25:17.122] One glass of beer after a year's sobriety, and then you tell me that it isn't that one drink. [00:25:17.122 – 00:25:19.042] Oh, yes, it is with people like we are. [00:25:19.042 – 00:25:24.922] People like this guy that's talking to you right here, one drink, that's it. [00:25:24.922 – 00:25:26.722] This is just one time. [00:25:26.722 – 00:25:27.762] This was the first time. [00:25:27.762 – 00:25:34.782] This was the first time that I ever realized or should have realized and listened that I could not… [00:25:34.782 – 00:25:38.362] I was the man that could not drink alcohol. [00:25:38.362 – 00:25:41.162] But I didn't pay any attention to that.

[00:25:41.162 – 00:25:43.042] Now, I drank normally. [00:25:43.042 – 00:25:49.922] At times, while I was examining these people over in the eastern part of the country, I, I, I did drink. [00:25:49.922 – 00:25:54.772] I don't remember of ever getting real drunk, but I did drink every night up St. [00:25:54.772 – 00:25:56.202] Thomas, Canada, ale. [00:25:56.202 – 00:25:57.582] I'd go in those pubs. [00:25:57.582 – 00:26:05.582] In fact, I got so well-acquainted with the bartender in this particular hotel I was in as a going-away present when I was leaving there on Saturday night. [00:26:05.582 – 00:26:07.802] They put a case of ale in my room. [00:26:07.802 – 00:26:16.462] So going back to these things is what, why does a man drink?

[00:26:16.462 – 00:26:22.062] Tell me what he's running away from. [00:26:22.062 – 00:26:24.822] What was I running away from then? [00:26:24.822 – 00:26:30.522] This responsibility that had been handed to me, and I, I thought I was doing a good job. [00:26:30.522 – 00:26:32.182] I possibly would. [00:26:32.182 – 00:26:37.502] But I'm, I'm not the man that's made up to accept that responsibility. [00:26:37.502 – 00:26:39.982] Well, why didn't you turn to God and get rid of that? [00:26:39.982 – 00:26:44.442] Actually, I didn't want to because I, I wanted to drink. [00:26:44.442 – 00:26:47.402] I wanted to be like the people that I worked with.

[00:26:47.402 – 00:26:51.622] I wanted to be like other normal people, possibly so. [00:26:51.622 – 00:26:57.002] I wanted to be able to drink, and I never was the person that would do anything halfway. [00:26:57.002 – 00:26:59.802] I had, if I took one drink, I wanted to go all out. [00:26:59.802 – 00:27:01.542] I wanted to get drunk. [00:27:01.542 – 00:27:11.602] I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, and that's a sign that I was, when I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, was a [00:27:11.602 – 00:27:14.862] sign that I was running away from something. [00:27:14.862 – 00:27:17.302] But I don't want to admit it. [00:27:17.302 – 00:27:27.702] I, I wouldn't admit anything at that time in connection with my shortcomings that might cast a shadow

[00:27:27.702 – 00:27:29.222] on my capabilities. [00:27:29.222 – 00:27:31.242] Don't you see? [00:27:31.242 – 00:27:39.882] That might cast a shadow on my capabilities of being a road foreman. [00:27:39.882 – 00:27:50.662] Hell, after two years on this job, I was called in and told, "We are going to make you superintendent [00:27:50.662 – 00:27:55.402] of the Decatur division," the biggest superintendent they have on the railroad. [00:27:55.402 – 00:27:59.222] I, I sat there when the man told me that. [00:27:59.222 – 00:28:00.822] I didn't believe him. [00:28:00.822 – 00:28:02.262] I didn't disbelieve him.

[00:28:02.262 – 00:28:04.922] I didn't believe anything. [00:28:04.922 – 00:28:08.062] But I can see it now. [00:28:08.062 – 00:28:12.922] I didn't even want it because I went out that night and got drunk. [00:28:12.922 – 00:28:18.322] I was running away from another responsibility. [00:28:18.322 – 00:28:21.102] You say, "Why? [00:28:21.102 – 00:28:23.102] Why didn't you do something about it? [00:28:23.102 – 00:28:26.262] You turned to God for your promotion. [00:28:26.262 – 00:28:27.922] You passed the examination.

[00:28:27.922 – 00:28:30.182] You went to the job that you want. [00:28:30.182 – 00:28:35.022] Why didn't you do something about this?" I don't know. [00:28:35.022 – 00:28:43.222] I really don't know, except I didn't have the want, and that is what you got to have if you want to quit drinking. [00:28:43.222 – 00:28:50.242] If you want to quit drinking, doing anything else in this life, you have to have a great want to do that. [00:28:50.242 – 00:28:53.842] You have to want anything or you, you wouldn't get it. [00:28:53.842 – 00:28:56.142] You have to want to walk out of this room or you wouldn't. [00:28:56.142 – 00:28:59.562] You have to want to come to this meeting or you wouldn't. [00:28:59.562 – 00:29:05.342] Anything in this life, you have got to want to do some way or the other.

[00:29:05.342 – 00:29:08.422] A great sincere want. [00:29:08.422 – 00:29:15.142] Well, come along, I, I got the thing of gambling. [00:29:15.142 – 00:29:17.302] Gambled away a fortune. [00:29:17.302 – 00:29:24.482] The faster my wife would make it, the, the faster, the more she made, the faster I'd gamble it up and drink it up. [00:29:24.482 – 00:29:27.002] Immorality. [00:29:27.002 – 00:29:29.702] That's what the drink leads to. [00:29:29.702 – 00:29:30.622] It did with me. [00:29:30.622 – 00:29:32.182] I have no secrets.

[00:29:32.182 – 00:29:38.822] I was one of the most immoral men, looking back at my own past, that ever lived in this world. [00:29:38.822 – 00:29:46.662] Immoral, wholesome, gambler. [00:29:46.662 – 00:29:52.802] I had all these things, and I've told it so many times in these meetings, and I'm gonna tell it again. [00:29:52.802 – 00:29:59.872] I had every experience with alcoholics known, and I'm standing here this morning telling you about it. [00:29:59.872 – 00:30:02.402] Every experience with alcoholics known. [00:30:02.402 – 00:30:04.182] I've been questioned by doctors. [00:30:04.182 – 00:30:10.542] I've been questioned by other people, a class of nurses that I talk to every year in Decatur. [00:30:10.542 – 00:30:12.962] I have them write, they write out questions.

[00:30:12.962 – 00:30:17.622] They have never asked me a question about alcohol that I haven't been able to answer. [00:30:17.622 – 00:30:24.022] I've had them all, and I tell that for the reason, if I can quit drinking, anybody can. [00:30:24.022 – 00:30:34.142] Anybody can quit drinking if I could because they have got to first believe in a higher power that can restore them to sanity, God, [00:30:34.142 – 00:30:35.622] as they understand it. [00:30:35.622 – 00:30:41.942] God, life, truth, love, spirit, the great I Am. [00:30:41.942 – 00:30:45.362] God as we understand Him. [00:30:45.362 – 00:30:50.302] Well, the time finally come. [00:30:50.302 – 00:30:51.872] I, I, I knew this.

[00:30:51.872 – 00:30:54.602] I, I'd been discharged twice off my job. [00:30:54.602 – 00:31:05.102] And so after being in the hospital, uh, I, I lost my first wife that left me, and everything [00:31:05.102 – 00:31:05.802] had gone. [00:31:05.802 – 00:31:08.552] I was way in debt, gamblers. [00:31:08.552 – 00:31:13.586] Everything that I had, everything worthwhile, I would say. [00:31:13.586 – 00:31:22.006] I had no peace of mind because I was always afraid that this day is the day they'll call me in and discharge me and mean it. [00:31:22.006 – 00:31:24.906] I lived in constant fear. [00:31:24.906 – 00:31:32.106] Been a good thing if the, when the first time they fired me, if they let it stick, uh, maybe it would had some effect.

[00:31:32.106 – 00:31:32.766] I don't know. [00:31:32.766 – 00:31:41.186] But anyway, that went on for, oh, possibly five years. [00:31:41.186 – 00:31:44.146] Hospital, uh, two or three times. [00:31:44.146 – 00:31:45.066] My company knew it. [00:31:45.066 – 00:31:47.596] I thought I was smart and I was fooling them. [00:31:47.596 – 00:31:56.285] They knew all about me because finally the time came, and they called me in and told me about it and told me that they would have to let me go. [00:31:56.285 – 00:32:06.386] That, uh, they would go, uh, restore me to the job of engineer, and I could hold a pad here run over in Missouri, and if I could control this drinking, and that's [00:32:06.386 – 00:32:07.546] the word the man used.

[00:32:07.546 – 00:32:11.426] He said, "Control it." He knew about me. [00:32:11.426 – 00:32:15.905] These, these boys is not in those positions because they just stick them there. [00:32:15.905 – 00:32:17.266] They know. [00:32:17.266 – 00:32:18.946] And now I asked him about Bernard. [00:32:18.946 – 00:32:22.006] This same man said, "He's not ready. [00:32:22.006 – 00:32:32.126] He's not ready." Well, I thought he didn't know what he was talking about, but I believe in, in connection with my own job, that we do have a little something [00:32:32.126 – 00:32:38.986] possibly the other fellow hasn't got, and we, we understand human beings and characters of different kinds. [00:32:38.986 – 00:32:41.986] But this man told me that this is it.

[00:32:41.986 – 00:32:49.186] Well, I didn't believe him, but I did think about this thing, and I went nine months without a drink. [00:32:49.186 – 00:32:51.146] I took several trips. [00:32:51.146 – 00:32:57.326] I, I know I, I took a trip down Chattanooga, Tennessee, and through the Smoky Mountains and around. [00:32:57.326 – 00:32:59.406] Was gone possibly ten days. [00:32:59.406 – 00:33:02.886] But I, I, I don't think I enjoyed that trip. [00:33:02.886 – 00:33:07.846] I went to ni-rest, nice restaurants where they served drinks. [00:33:07.846 – 00:33:10.546] Everybo- uh, people were drinking normally. [00:33:10.546 – 00:33:12.826] Well, I'd sit there, and I ate my dinner.

[00:33:12.826 – 00:33:20.806] I, I, I didn't s– I can't say that I particularly wanted a drink, but I do know that there was something at this time that was bugging me. [00:33:20.806 – 00:33:28.206] I wasn't ready to quit drinking, and yet I knew I couldn't drink. [00:33:28.206 – 00:33:30.846] I had never admitted that I was an alcoholic. [00:33:30.846 – 00:33:32.806] Oh, for heaven's sakes, no. [00:33:32.806 – 00:33:37.266] Not on the job that I had would I ever be an alcoholic. [00:33:37.266 – 00:33:44.046] But I came back off of this trip, and I had extended this time into nine months. [00:33:44.046 – 00:33:54.046] And I went to a going away party at the Orlando Hotel for one of our men that were retiring, a man that was, uh, similar responsibilities that [00:33:54.046 – 00:33:54.486] I had.

[00:33:54.486 – 00:33:57.966] And, uh, they had the big bar set up. [00:33:57.966 – 00:34:04.126] The appliance company had furnished all this stuff, and they had this big bar, and I got me a glass of ginger ale. [00:34:04.126 – 00:34:09.876] And I stood around and talked to people I knew, uh, and sipped the ginger ale. [00:34:09.876 – 00:34:11.226] It looked like a highball. [00:34:11.226 – 00:34:17.306] They didn't ask me any questions, didn't care whether I was drinking sodie pop, I suppose, or anything else. [00:34:17.306 – 00:34:26.666] But finally, I got with two men that are still working for the Wabash and the railroad in high positions, and they were good friends of mine. [00:34:26.666 – 00:34:28.046] I set my glass down. [00:34:28.046 – 00:34:29.226] Theirs are empty.

[00:34:29.226 – 00:34:32.706] One of them picked the glasses up and started in for a refill. [00:34:32.706 – 00:34:39.796] And he turned and said to me, he said, "Paul, what are you drinking?" I said, "Ginger ale." Well, he thought it was ginger ale mixed. [00:34:39.796 – 00:34:41.666] I suppose he came back. [00:34:41.666 – 00:34:44.626] The glass was half full of whiskey and half full of ginger ale. [00:34:44.626 – 00:34:45.446] I smelt it. [00:34:45.446 – 00:34:46.166] I knew what it was. [00:34:46.166 – 00:34:49.386] I wasn't particularly afraid of it, but I set it down. [00:34:49.386 – 00:34:51.146] I felt good.

[00:34:51.146 – 00:34:54.846] I never felt better as I can remember in a long time, physically. [00:34:54.846 – 00:35:02.666] But I looked around, and I saw all those people that I was acquainted with, and I said, "Here, look at all these people. [00:35:02.666 – 00:35:09.346] People with jobs like yours, people with better jobs, people higher." They were there from the top to the bottom. [00:35:09.346 – 00:35:11.886] They're all drinking. [00:35:11.886 – 00:35:18.266] Ninety percent of them was, and we're going in there and have a big dinner. [00:35:18.266 – 00:35:22.246] Why can't I take this drink? [00:35:22.246 – 00:35:24.706] I knew why I couldn't then. [00:35:24.706 – 00:35:26.266] Never admitted it.

[00:35:26.266 – 00:35:33.806] But I'd been told, and inside of me, I knew it, but I picked the drink up and drank it. [00:35:33.806 – 00:35:37.286] And when I drank, it was one drink. [00:35:37.286 – 00:35:41.866] I had three drinks before that dinner. [00:35:41.866 – 00:35:47.646] I went in and had dinner, and I had no ill effects from those three drinks. [00:35:47.646 – 00:35:49.466] Oh, I felt them. [00:35:49.466 – 00:35:49.946] Yeah. [00:35:49.946 – 00:35:57.356] After this thing was over, somebody said, "Hey, Paul, come and go over to the Elks with us. [00:35:57.356 – 00:35:59.946] They're having a stag over there tonight." "Sure, fine.

[00:35:59.946 – 00:36:06.306] I'll go with you." I went to work four days later. [00:36:06.306 – 00:36:08.686] Four days later. [00:36:08.686 – 00:36:10.186] I stayed drunk for four days. [00:36:10.186 – 00:36:20.546] After nine months sobriety, that one drink, that one little drink, I [00:36:20.546 – 00:36:24.526] stayed drunk for four days, and I never did stop drinking after that. [00:36:24.526 – 00:36:28.006] I went for two years. [00:36:28.006 – 00:36:29.126] I was drunk. [00:36:29.126 – 00:36:30.586] I was sober.

[00:36:30.586 – 00:36:32.706] Never did get real sober. [00:36:32.706 – 00:36:33.326] Oh, no. [00:36:33.326 – 00:36:34.346] Never. [00:36:34.346 – 00:36:40.846] Because I continued to drink right up to the time that I was disqualified. [00:36:40.846 – 00:36:46.906] There wasn't any waiting time in between then. [00:36:46.906 – 00:36:48.646] It got to be constant. [00:36:48.646 – 00:36:49.426] In the mornings… [00:36:49.426 – 00:36:54.226] Oh, I've done this many times before because this is a long story.

[00:36:54.226 – 00:36:58.826] Any time that I'd get up in the morning and take one drink, I never went to work. [00:36:58.826 – 00:37:04.186] Any time that I took one drink in the morning, regardless of how… [00:37:04.186 – 00:37:05.766] Oh, I've gone to work many a time. [00:37:05.766 – 00:37:08.606] Semi, should we say, drunk? [00:37:08.606 – 00:37:11.046] Oh, yeah, many times. [00:37:11.046 – 00:37:16.246] I've stayed there all day in misery, hell, and sweat it out. [00:37:16.246 – 00:37:21.466] Stayed there till five o'clock and then I'd go out and get drunk again, unless I was out on some other job. [00:37:21.466 – 00:37:24.066] But that's the way this thing goes.

[00:37:24.066 – 00:37:24.766] Progress. [00:37:24.766 – 00:37:26.046] It progresses. [00:37:26.046 – 00:37:27.086] It don't get any better. [00:37:27.086 – 00:37:32.166] It just gets worse all the time until finally the bottom falls out. [00:37:32.166 – 00:37:38.666] And then, after this time in February, I'd been drunk for ten days in January this year. [00:37:38.666 – 00:37:41.266] Got better, got out. [00:37:41.266 – 00:37:42.286] They knew what I was doing. [00:37:42.286 – 00:37:45.546] They came out to see me, but they covered up for me.

[00:37:45.546 – 00:37:48.126] And I went a month. [00:37:48.126 – 00:37:54.806] I went from the fifth day of January until the sixth day of February, when I took my first drink again. [00:37:55.976 – 00:37:57.856] And so I never quit then. [00:37:57.856 – 00:38:00.056] I, I was in four hospitals. [00:38:00.056 – 00:38:02.296] I flew to California. [00:38:02.296 – 00:38:04.856] Oh, it's a long story. [00:38:04.856 – 00:38:07.636] Four and five fifths of whiskey a day. [00:38:07.636 – 00:38:15.596] That seems impossible to some of you people a person could drink that much three and four weeks and as high as a month without food.

[00:38:15.596 – 00:38:19.256] And here I stand today, able to tell it. [00:38:19.256 – 00:38:25.656] People who stay in my room could hear my heartbeat in the next room. [00:38:25.656 – 00:38:26.536] They think… [00:38:26.536 – 00:38:27.976] Well, they thought I would die. [00:38:27.976 – 00:38:32.416] And I, I was, they was told that I was going to die, but I didn't. [00:38:32.416 – 00:38:36.476] And I'm able to be here today to talk to you people. [00:38:36.476 – 00:38:45.676] And in this time that they thought I was dying, and that wa- that hadn't been the first time. [00:38:45.676 – 00:38:47.836] This had been many times before.

[00:38:47.836 – 00:38:51.876] I'd been taken to the hospital when there wasn't any chance of me ever recovering. [00:38:51.876 – 00:38:56.656] There was no chance of me living. [00:38:56.656 – 00:39:02.496] And actually, I didn't, I didn't have any thought about it. [00:39:02.496 – 00:39:04.056] I didn't care. [00:39:04.056 – 00:39:06.156] I didn't particularly want to die. [00:39:06.156 – 00:39:07.436] I had no thought about it. [00:39:07.436 – 00:39:09.036] If I'd have died, that would've been it. [00:39:09.036 – 00:39:16.736] But this particular time, I know the way this thing works out.

[00:39:16.736 – 00:39:25.096] I was in a, uh, hospital, Macon County Hospital, and, uh, I had a nurse around the clock. [00:39:25.096 – 00:39:30.896] I had, they, they was the rule, and, um, I had a day nurse, and I had the afternoon nurse and the night nurse. [00:39:30.896 – 00:39:38.366] And I was taken into this hospital on, uh, uh, 12 o'clock, about midnight on a Saturday. [00:39:38.366 – 00:39:42.436] And the next morning, of course, the day nurse came in. [00:39:42.436 – 00:39:46.816] There was some man stayed with me until morning, and they got this nurse for him. [00:39:46.816 – 00:39:50.116] And she went through the regular routine. [00:39:50.116 – 00:39:51.716] Nurse said I was just sick and drunk. [00:39:51.716 – 00:39:54.756] I didn't, I just knew she was there, and that was all.

[00:39:54.756 – 00:39:57.376] But I know the afternoon nurse came on. [00:39:57.376 – 00:40:04.715] They gave me, uh, uh, some of this stuff in your arm, you know, that supposed to be equal to a T-bone steak, and that was quite an ordeal. [00:40:04.715 – 00:40:07.456] And, uh, gluco, is it, Jim? [00:40:07.456 – 00:40:08.116] Yeah. [00:40:08.116 – 00:40:16.856] And, um, I know that night I, I was so concerned I began to sober up, and here's the worry comes in on this thing. [00:40:16.856 – 00:40:19.216] Hell, if you ain't got any worries, you make them. [00:40:19.216 – 00:40:27.736] But I, I'd been, I'd been, uh, I'd been so distraught and, and laid out of this job. [00:40:27.736 – 00:40:32.576] I'd been s- Uh, hell, I, I really didn't care whether they fired me or not, but I'm gonna worry about it.

[00:40:32.576 – 00:40:40.016] I'd better been worrying about drinking because that was the thing that, that job should have been the last thing in the world. [00:40:40.016 – 00:40:41.816] It was my drinking condition. [00:40:41.816 – 00:40:45.556] If I wanted to live, I knew that I should never drink again. [00:40:45.556 – 00:40:50.776] But there I was laying out there in a hospital bed worrying about that stinking job. [00:40:50.776 – 00:40:55.376] This nurse on the second trip came in. [00:40:55.376 – 00:41:01.996] She was elderly, and she began to tell me stories about when she worked in a hospital in St. [00:41:01.996 – 00:41:10.316] Louis, about the things that she had seen, uh, people, and she called them alcoholics, and I was glad of that. [00:41:10.316 – 00:41:17.736] She didn't call me a drunk because that's a word actually today I despise.

[00:41:17.736 – 00:41:19.316] Drunk. [00:41:19.316 – 00:41:28.996] We are sick alcoholics, and don't you ever forget it, like the person with tuberculosis or any other disease. [00:41:28.996 – 00:41:36.836] But she began to tell me these things about these men, and I began to tell her. [00:41:36.836 – 00:41:41.756] It had a sobering effect on me, the way this nurse was able to talk to me. [00:41:41.756 – 00:41:46.836] I know that night she got me up, put a robe on me. [00:41:46.836 – 00:41:48.636] She took me upstairs to watch television. [00:41:48.636 – 00:41:54.236] Came back down, and she talked, and she led me right into the thing that was coming later. [00:41:54.236 – 00:42:00.136] I went back, and I went to bed, and I couldn't sleep.

[00:42:00.136 – 00:42:02.556] They'd give me everything to make me sleep, but I couldn't sleep. [00:42:02.556 – 00:42:08.816] I tried to talk them into some, uh, I, I didn't know about 3L at this particular time. [00:42:08.816 – 00:42:10.936] I wanted them to give me some whiskey. [00:42:10.936 – 00:42:15.175] I said, "A double shot of whiskey will fix me." Yeah, it would. [00:42:15.175 – 00:42:25.896] But a young nurse came in that room that night, and I wouldn't know her today, but I know she was a beautiful person, real [00:42:25.896 – 00:42:26.356] young. [00:42:26.356 – 00:42:34.216] And she, she talked to me some about, uh, she knew me, heard about me. [00:42:34.216 – 00:42:42.416] And she sat down and began to tell me that, uh, she knew a man like I was, that, that he got over it, and he lived.

[00:42:42.416 – 00:42:47.056] And then I began to tell her about my troubles, about my job. [00:42:47.056 – 00:42:48.986] And I, I was losing it. [00:42:48.986 – 00:42:50.996] I was gonna lose it, and I was so afraid. [00:42:50.996 – 00:42:57.916] If you never saw a guy that was sobering up, uh, uh, trying to tell you something like that, that, that's really something. [00:42:57.916 – 00:43:01.356] But this girl understood what I was talking about. [00:43:01.356 – 00:43:07.036] She must have because she asked me if I would try to go to sleep. [00:43:07.036 – 00:43:17.216] Well, I told her I would, and I did try to, and I must have fallen off to sleep because when I woke up, she was sitting in the chair reading a book. [00:43:17.216 – 00:43:21.276] And I looked, and she was reading the Bible.

[00:43:21.276 – 00:43:30.016] At three o'clock in the morning, I woke up, oh, I just in a daze. [00:43:30.016 – 00:43:32.816] She was still reading the Bible. [00:43:32.816 – 00:43:45.076] One hour after that, she had talked on the phone to [00:43:45.076 – 00:43:50.976] the right people and actually squared this whole deal. [00:43:50.976 – 00:43:59.096] Because at nine o'clock the next morning, I'd been up and had a bath and had my clothes on. [00:43:59.096 – 00:44:03.756] Two of the top bosses in my department were in that room. [00:44:03.756 – 00:44:08.426] And not one word was said about drinking. [00:44:08.426 – 00:44:12.306] All they seemed…

[00:44:12.306 – 00:44:13.846] They knew I, what I was there for. [00:44:13.846 – 00:44:14.916] They knew I'd been drunk. [00:44:14.916 – 00:44:16.166] They were covering it up. [00:44:16.166 – 00:44:26.406] But it was through this prayer, this devotion that this young girl nurse had shown, this great belief that [00:44:26.406 – 00:44:36.526] these things could be taken care of through God, this whole thing was smoothed [00:44:36.526 – 00:44:36.855] over. [00:44:36.855 – 00:44:38.106] I went back to work. [00:44:38.106 – 00:44:38.826] No mention.

[00:44:38.826 – 00:44:41.506] I'd been out for almost two weeks off that job. [00:44:41.506 – 00:44:44.826] No one ever said anything to me about it. [00:44:44.826 – 00:44:48.366] Well, I know these things. [00:44:48.366 – 00:44:49.186] Well, what do you do? [00:44:49.186 – 00:44:52.526] It, it seems like you can't stop it. [00:44:52.526 – 00:44:57.386] I, I went on and on, and I knew what I was doing. [00:44:57.386 – 00:45:01.786] That's a mysterious thing, if you want to call it mysterious. [00:45:01.786 – 00:45:03.126] I knew what I was doing.

[00:45:03.126 – 00:45:05.566] I knew I was losing this job. [00:45:05.566 – 00:45:07.546] I knew I was gone. [00:45:07.546 – 00:45:08.746] I knew I was broke. [00:45:08.746 – 00:45:17.866] I knew that I owed everybody in the town that I could possibly owe, and I was going to be a bum. [00:45:17.866 – 00:45:25.006] It was inevitable because it was the only thing that I had left. [00:45:25.006 – 00:45:25.966] Okay. [00:45:25.966 – 00:45:27.466] Finally, the time came. [00:45:27.466 – 00:45:36.526] The last time I was in the hospital, they gave me a physical examination and disqualified me.

[00:45:36.526 – 00:45:43.266] They rushed me down to the Railroad Retirement Board, and there they made out the papers. [00:45:43.266 – 00:45:44.026] I'm sitting there. [00:45:44.026 – 00:45:46.266] I didn't know I'm so full of pre-alid. [00:45:46.266 – 00:45:51.306] I didn't know I was in the Railro-Railway Retirement Board or if I was in Jerusalem. [00:45:51.306 – 00:45:57.946] But they rushed these papers through, and they got the other pensions going through, and I am through. [00:45:57.946 – 00:46:07.985] And when I found it out, when I sobered up in April and found out that I had been disqualified, it seemed like there had been a big [00:46:07.986 – 00:46:09.846] weight taken off my back. [00:46:09.846 – 00:46:13.626] But that wasn't it.

[00:46:13.626 – 00:46:19.426] That very night when I was told, I went out, and this was the biggest drunk that I was ever on. [00:46:19.426 – 00:46:26.266] I got drunk that night, and I stayed drunk till the twenty-seventh day of June. [00:46:26.266 – 00:46:29.466] Only I had one, two weeks. [00:46:29.466 – 00:46:32.986] The last hospital I got out of, I stayed sober for three weeks. [00:46:32.986 – 00:46:38.686] I stayed sober till eleventh of May, and then I was gonna prove to the world. [00:46:38.686 – 00:46:45.626] This was after that I was disqualified, and I was living in a nice place, and things seemed to be coming my way. [00:46:45.626 – 00:46:47.586] I was reading the Bible. [00:46:47.586 – 00:46:53.326] I was going to church, and I had determined to start all over.

[00:46:53.326 – 00:46:57.586] All this other stuff, I realized it had gone. [00:46:57.586 – 00:46:58.886] I hadn't gone to AA. [00:46:58.886 – 00:47:01.066] I was gonna do it myself. [00:47:01.066 – 00:47:11.106] I was gonna do it by myself, and I never did say, "God, help me." I just prayed and read the Bible, and [00:47:11.106 – 00:47:11.786] I knew that… [00:47:11.786 – 00:47:13.546] Well, I didn't know it. [00:47:13.546 – 00:47:17.486] I thought I was doing the right thing, but here comes eleventh of May. [00:47:17.486 – 00:47:21.406] I'm gonna prove to everybody in this world that I'm not an alcoholic.

[00:47:21.406 – 00:47:29.626] I am gonna prove definitely to everyone, and especially to myself, these doctors don't know what they're talking about. [00:47:29.626 – 00:47:32.546] I went down and got a half pint of whiskey. [00:47:32.546 – 00:47:34.046] I made one highball. [00:47:34.046 – 00:47:36.666] Unconsciously, I went in and got the other one. [00:47:36.666 – 00:47:39.946] The next morning, I had had eleven half pints. [00:47:39.946 – 00:47:48.366] Eleventh day of May till the twenty-seventh day of June, I flew to California. [00:47:48.366 – 00:47:50.526] In this time, all, it was many things happened. [00:47:50.526 – 00:47:55.346] I'd been arrested for different things.

[00:47:55.346 – 00:47:59.486] None of them for my car because I always had a young man drive my car for me. [00:47:59.486 – 00:48:06.646] And I'd found a little money, had a little money coming in, and I took everything that I had. [00:48:06.646 – 00:48:07.646] I'm going to bunch it. [00:48:07.646 – 00:48:09.666] I flew to California. [00:48:09.666 – 00:48:14.406] Three weeks later, I was on skid row in San Luis. [00:48:14.406 – 00:48:19.066] Finally got back to Decatur on the twenty-sixth of June. [00:48:19.066 – 00:48:22.566] I asked the police to put me in jail. [00:48:22.566 – 00:48:27.406] I had a little money in my pocket.

[00:48:27.406 – 00:48:31.906] I'd written a check, but I didn't have any money in the bank to cover it. [00:48:31.906 – 00:48:37.426] I asked the police to put me in jail, and they wouldn't do it. [00:48:37.426 – 00:48:40.206] They want me to go to hotel and go to bed. [00:48:40.206 – 00:48:41.686] Well, I was at a hotel then. [00:48:41.686 – 00:48:44.366] Some of my friends had asked the… [00:48:44.366 – 00:48:51.136] would-be friends, had asked the police to watch me, that I didn't do anything that I shouldn't. [00:48:51.136 – 00:48:57.146] My goodness, been going on all these years, but here at this time, they wanted the police to watch me. [00:48:57.146 – 00:49:00.846] But I asked the police at midnight.

[00:49:00.846 – 00:49:05.106] I was so drunk that I couldn't hardly stand up. [00:49:05.106 – 00:49:06.346] I couldn't stand up. [00:49:06.346 – 00:49:07.646] I had to be supported. [00:49:07.646 – 00:49:10.826] They put me in jail, and they agreed to do it. [00:49:10.826 – 00:49:16.846] I told them, "That's the only place, unless you put me behind bars, that I won't drink. [00:49:16.846 – 00:49:26.546] I'm in such a position now that I can't quit." What I should have said, "I don't want to," because I actually at that time… [00:49:26.546 – 00:49:32.106] But we, I had a pint of whiskey with me, possibly a third of it gone. [00:49:32.106 – 00:49:38.706] And as I rode down to the jail, I, I held it in my hand.

[00:49:38.706 – 00:49:48.766] When I got out of the car, I said to these policemen, I knew them, I said, "You see this?" They said, "Yeah." I had [00:49:48.766 – 00:49:49.586] no idea. [00:49:49.586 – 00:49:53.026] I had no sincerity about the thing, I'm sure. [00:49:53.026 – 00:50:00.446] I said, "This is the last drink I'm ever going to take." Well, I didn't take it. [00:50:00.446 – 00:50:03.886] I handed the bottle to the policeman. [00:50:03.886 – 00:50:08.106] But I want to tell you that I, I was awfully drunk. [00:50:08.106 – 00:50:11.406] They had to help me into the cell, I suppose. [00:50:11.406 – 00:50:21.006] And I woke up the next morning, a turnkey came in, and it was the hangover of all hangovers that I'd ever had.

[00:50:21.006 – 00:50:22.266] Sick stomach. [00:50:22.266 – 00:50:30.326] And they told me, "Okay, get out of here." I got up and I started out. [00:50:30.326 – 00:50:32.026] I couldn't even walk. [00:50:32.026 – 00:50:35.326] I told them, I said, "I, I can't leave. [00:50:35.326 – 00:50:45.366] I'm too drunk." "Go on back and lay down." I felt so [00:50:45.366 – 00:50:55.366] terrible, and I was so distraught, so miserable, that I went up and grabbed the bars of [00:50:55.366 – 00:50:56.306] that cell. [00:50:56.306 – 00:51:06.426] And hanging on to the bars, I said, "Oh, God, help me now." And from that time,

[00:51:06.426 – 00:51:09.646] ladies and gentlemen, I know what I said. [00:51:09.646 – 00:51:13.466] I was drunk, but I remember it. [00:51:13.466 – 00:51:22.746] "Oh, God, help me now." I have never wanted another drink since that time. [00:51:22.746 – 00:51:28.486] Did I get well then and this miserable feeling leave me? [00:51:28.486 – 00:51:29.206] Oh, no. [00:51:29.206 – 00:51:35.066] Five minutes after that, a friend of mine who was on the police force, I, I didn't know him. [00:51:35.066 – 00:51:39.786] I'd given him a job a couple, three years before that when nobody else would. [00:51:39.786 – 00:51:45.546] He had laid off of his job when he heard about me, come to the cell, and took me out.

[00:51:45.546 – 00:51:49.546] Took me to the captain's office, and they tried to… [00:51:49.546 – 00:51:51.026] They talked around me. [00:51:51.026 – 00:52:01.126] "What are they gonna, what are we gonna do with him?" Well, this policeman said, "If you can't get anybody else to take him, I'm gonna take him home with me." "Oh, God, [00:52:01.126 – 00:52:03.786] help me now." That was it. [00:52:03.786 – 00:52:05.666] I meant that. [00:52:05.666 – 00:52:06.726] I was sincere. [00:52:06.726 – 00:52:09.106] I had to be because it happened. [00:52:09.106 – 00:52:12.906] If it hadn't, if I'd have been sincere, it wouldn't have happened.

[00:52:12.906 – 00:52:22.906] All this drinking experience that I had, five words, and meant it, [00:52:22.906 – 00:52:29.346] needed it, and wanted it, that great want. [00:52:29.346 – 00:52:33.846] I had it that day in that cell. [00:52:33.846 – 00:52:40.846] There was no one else there except God and me. [00:52:40.846 – 00:52:44.706] That's the way this thing works. [00:52:44.706 – 00:52:52.666] We came to believe a power greater than we could restore us to sanity. [00:52:52.666 – 00:53:02.685] So that night, the OA, AA boys came and took me out, took me out to a meeting, and I was [00:53:02.686 – 00:53:04.685] the sickest man that ever lived.

[00:53:04.685 – 00:53:08.726] I didn't get well right now. [00:53:08.726 – 00:53:09.626] Oh, no. [00:53:09.626 – 00:53:15.826] I staggered the fifth day after I took my last drink. [00:53:15.826 – 00:53:19.826] The fifth day. [00:53:19.826 – 00:53:28.586] At noon that day, I ate my first meal in three weeks, and I was on my way. [00:53:28.586 – 00:53:32.286] I went to an AA meeting that night. [00:53:32.286 – 00:53:36.126] That's the second night after I got out of jail. [00:53:36.126 – 00:53:39.306] Oh, there was quite a crowd there.

[00:53:39.306 – 00:53:41.546] This was a group meeting with several women. [00:53:41.546 – 00:53:44.746] I think they heard I was coming, and they wanted to see me. [00:53:44.746 – 00:53:46.006] That's what I thought, see? [00:53:46.006 – 00:53:51.486] So I sit there, and, oh, I felt terrible. [00:53:51.486 – 00:53:54.406] I wanted out of the place. [00:53:54.406 – 00:53:58.186] Here's these people sitting around there telling all this stuff. [00:53:58.186 – 00:54:00.086] I knew all about it. [00:54:00.086 – 00:54:01.606] They couldn't tell me.

[00:54:01.606 – 00:54:05.726] I didn't want to drink again, but I just didn't want to listen to this stuff. [00:54:05.726 – 00:54:15.786] Here they are, branded as the biggest drunk in the city of Decatur at that time, and, uh, here these people are sitting [00:54:15.786 – 00:54:19.666] around there telling me about these mild drinking experiences they had had. [00:54:19.666 – 00:54:24.346] But there was one old boy over in the back of the room, and God bless him. [00:54:24.346 – 00:54:29.186] When it come his time to talk, he didn't have nothing to say. [00:54:29.186 – 00:54:34.446] But after the meeting, he came up, and he wanted to shake hands, and I wanted out. [00:54:34.446 – 00:54:35.366] I had no… [00:54:35.366 – 00:54:40.466] I, I almost said, "Get away, boy." He said, "Say," he said, "you feel bad, don't you?" I said, "Oh, yes.

[00:54:40.466 – 00:54:46.946] I, I gotta get out and get some air." He said, "Just a minute." He said, "You know," he said, "I felt like you many times. [00:54:46.946 – 00:54:57.506] I felt like you hundreds of times." Then he began to tell me about when he was a kid in school, how they used to take whiskey to school, [00:54:57.506 – 00:55:06.726] and told me about this drinking e- experience that he'd had for thirty-five or forty years, which would equal mine and probably surpass it. [00:55:06.726 – 00:55:16.446] Here was a man that told me this thing here, and this kept me going back to AA more than anything else. [00:55:16.446 – 00:55:17.106] I believe it. [00:55:17.106 – 00:55:20.206] If I could quit drinking, then you can quit. [00:55:20.206 – 00:55:30.206] It was a challenge to me that this little squirt here that had as bad or worse or whatever kind of a drinking experience he had, he could [00:55:30.206 – 00:55:30.946] quit drinking.

[00:55:30.946 – 00:55:31.826] I could quit. [00:55:31.826 – 00:55:35.486] And believe me, I started to go into AA meetings. [00:55:35.486 – 00:55:37.466] I went from two to three a week. [00:55:37.466 – 00:55:39.926] I went around and had coffee with these boys. [00:55:39.926 – 00:55:41.126] I talked to them. [00:55:41.126 – 00:55:42.806] I liked to worried some of them to death. [00:55:42.806 – 00:55:45.886] But I was on my way. [00:55:45.886 – 00:55:55.936] And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, this morning, that Alcohol Anonymous, the fellowship of men and women who meet together to share their

[00:55:55.936 – 00:56:06.146] common experiences and tell these stories, don't you ever forget that some way, somehow, somebody's gonna say something, [00:56:06.146 – 00:56:10.326] like the little boy did at this group meeting that night, that's gonna hit the spot. [00:56:10.326 – 00:56:20.406] And through AA and God, as I understand Him, I am sober today, and I'm very [00:56:20.406 – 00:56:24.146] thankful for that because it is my life. [00:56:24.146 – 00:56:26.526] Sobriety is my life. [00:56:26.526 – 00:56:27.766] AA, God. [00:56:27.766 – 00:56:35.486] "And he that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide in the shadows of the Almighty. [00:56:35.486 – 00:56:40.566] For I shall say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my salvation.

[00:56:40.566 – 00:56:44.126] In Him do I trust." Thank you very much for listening.