Transcript

[00:00:00.420 – 00:00:05.960] First speaker tonight is from the Lenox Hill group, and I'd like to introduce Mary McMahon. [00:00:05.960 – 00:00:14.180] Thank you, Jimmy. [00:00:14.180 – 00:00:24.210] And I wanna give my congratulations to the Rogers Group on your thirteenth anniversary, and [00:00:24.210 – 00:00:27.080] to wish you all everything good and happy. [00:00:27.080 – 00:00:32.299] Uh, I wanna thank you, too, for my lovely corsage. [00:00:32.299 – 00:00:36.180] I told Joe that I really didn't want any flowers. [00:00:36.180 – 00:00:41.080] I didn't need them, but she sure came through with a beautiful corsage. [00:00:41.080 – 00:00:51.360] And I understand that this meeting is being taped, and it's gonna be sent up to one of your founders, Mickey

[00:00:51.360 – 00:00:52.220] McPike. [00:00:52.220 – 00:00:55.860] Now, uh, I knew Mickey. [00:00:55.860 – 00:01:05.540] I don't know whether he remembers me, but I knew him a long time ago in the old 12 step house that used to be at Three Six Nine Third Avenue. [00:01:05.540 – 00:01:09.180] So hello, Mickey, and good luck to you. [00:01:09.180 – 00:01:13.580] My name is Mary McMahon, and I'm an alcoholic. [00:01:13.580 – 00:01:18.240] My drinking covered a period of twenty-two years. [00:01:18.240 – 00:01:26.900] For the first twelve years, I was able to manage the alcohol, but after that, alcohol took over and managed me. [00:01:26.900 – 00:01:36.900] So much for my heavy drinking, it wasn't the beginning because when I was seven years old, I broke

[00:01:36.900 – 00:01:44.660] my arm, and my mother kept me quiet all night with a bottle of whiskey, and I distinctly remember I loved it. [00:01:44.660 – 00:01:47.980] It was typical of our house. [00:01:47.980 – 00:01:51.820] We had alcohol around as part of the household equipment. [00:01:51.820 – 00:01:57.140] My mother'd be just as apt to put gin on a cut finger as iodine. [00:01:57.140 – 00:02:00.560] She took spots out of clothes with gin. [00:02:00.560 – 00:02:07.500] Uh, she cleaned her jewelry in gin, and if the canary was sick, we gave him a drink. [00:02:07.500 – 00:02:15.540] As a matter of fact, looking back, I think the canary had a little problem of his own. [00:02:15.540 – 00:02:25.560] Uh, we didn't think it fair, Mom and Pop and me, to be having cocktails when the canary didn't have anything, so we

[00:02:25.560 – 00:02:33.720] used to put a little straight gin in his delicacy cup, which was the little dish up on the second story of the cage. [00:02:33.720 – 00:02:40.380] And he used to take a sip and flutter like mad and fall down in the sand in the bottom of the cage. [00:02:40.380 – 00:02:45.140] But he always dusted himself off and came back for more. [00:02:45.140 – 00:02:55.200] Now, I don't know whether or not he was a true alcoholic because, uh, he lived to be thirteen years old, which is pretty good [00:02:55.200 – 00:02:56.260] for a canary. [00:02:56.260 – 00:03:03.800] But he was crazy because he used to sleep all day and sing all night. [00:03:03.800 – 00:03:13.600] Uh, my parents were young and lighthearted, and so were all of their friends. [00:03:13.600 – 00:03:21.880] And as long as I could remember when I was small, we had parties and drinking going on all the time.

[00:03:21.880 – 00:03:24.220] And it wasn't sordid drinking. [00:03:24.220 – 00:03:28.519] It was giddy, I'll grant you, but it was fun. [00:03:28.519 – 00:03:32.480] And I could always take part in the parties. [00:03:32.480 – 00:03:42.500] I could have a small glass of beer of my own or a sip of somebody's highball, and I grew up never being forbidden alcohol [00:03:42.500 – 00:03:44.000] in my own home. [00:03:44.000 – 00:03:54.049] It was prohibition times then, and we had gin and rye and scotch and cordials and everything [00:03:54.049 – 00:03:57.180] in the house, and my father made all of them. [00:03:57.180 – 00:04:01.980] Uh, the formula was the same throughout.

[00:04:01.980 – 00:04:09.240] It was like a good basic cream sauce, and, uh, how they turned out depended on the flavoring. [00:04:09.240 – 00:04:17.200] So I guess Pop always had the right knack with the juniper because gin was my favorite from beginning to end. [00:04:17.200 – 00:04:27.280] I, uh, I, I, uh, was graduated from high school, I was smart [00:04:27.280 – 00:04:32.100] in school, uh, at the age of fifteen and a half with honor. [00:04:32.100 – 00:04:40.400] I couldn't go back and get through the third grade now, but, um, I was, I guess, kind of smart as a kid. [00:04:40.400 – 00:04:45.600] And the question came up about, um, college. [00:04:45.600 – 00:04:55.760] Well, my idea of college was, uh, going out west to some country club affair in my own roadster, which is what they called them in those [00:04:55.760 – 00:04:56.360] days.

[00:04:56.360 – 00:05:06.520] But my mother and father didn't have that idea in mind, and, uh, they thought it would be better if I had someplace nearby at home in mind, and better [00:05:06.520 – 00:05:08.200] yet, if it were for free. [00:05:08.200 – 00:05:19.340] So I lost interest in the whole deal, and I went back and took a six-month course in stenography and started to work when I was sixteen in [00:05:19.340 – 00:05:20.380] Wall Street. [00:05:20.380 – 00:05:22.360] I thought that was the likely place. [00:05:22.360 – 00:05:23.700] I lived in the Bronx. [00:05:23.700 – 00:05:34.220] Um, after a hard day's work, we would have cocktails at home, and cocktails [00:05:34.220 – 00:05:41.280] consisted in knocking over a bottle of gin for the three of us, Mom, Pop, and me, before dinner.

[00:05:41.280 – 00:05:51.020] I could, uh, do this and, uh, go out on a date afterwards, and apparently, it had no bad effects. [00:05:51.020 – 00:05:54.740] By the time I was eighteen, I was a legal stenographer. [00:05:54.740 – 00:05:57.840] I was swimming in competition. [00:05:57.840 – 00:06:05.380] I, um, uh, I could– was playing competitive tennis, too, and I could drink with anybody, and did. [00:06:05.380 – 00:06:08.980] And I was having a wonderful time. [00:06:08.980 – 00:06:17.100] I worked for ten and a half years, uh, without ever staying home because of a hangover. [00:06:17.100 – 00:06:20.420] Not for one minute do I mean I didn't have hangovers. [00:06:20.420 – 00:06:30.520] I had some dillies, but, uh, I was young and in very good health, and so I could kind of overcome them and go to work, and, uh,

[00:06:30.520 – 00:06:31.560] this was fine. [00:06:31.560 – 00:06:35.740] So I, I didn't have any trouble as such with alcohol. [00:06:35.740 – 00:06:43.320] I quit my job to be married, and for the first two years of my married life, I had no trouble either. [00:06:43.320 – 00:06:46.520] For one thing, I was learning how to cook. [00:06:46.520 – 00:06:56.660] Uh, the only thing I could cook when I got married was fudge and, uh- -and getting an apartment furnished and things like that, [00:06:56.660 – 00:06:59.140] and, uh, it didn't bother me. [00:06:59.140 – 00:07:08.780] But at the end of two years, I seemed to have everything pretty well under control, and all my friends were either working or they had small children. [00:07:08.780 – 00:07:14.840] So I had a lot of time on my hands, and I did what I liked to do best: drink.

[00:07:14.840 – 00:07:21.360] I drank whenever I felt like it, and I found that I felt like it most of the time. [00:07:21.360 – 00:07:27.100] About a year after this, I developed a skin condition. [00:07:27.100 – 00:07:34.780] I know now it's not caused by alcohol, but I do know that alcohol aggravates it. [00:07:34.780 – 00:07:40.740] So the more I drank, the more I itched, and the more I itched, the more I drank. [00:07:40.740 – 00:07:50.640] As I say, I had excellent health, and it took me a long time to break it down, but I kept plugging away. [00:07:50.640 – 00:07:58.090] And in February of nineteen forty-nine, I, uh, I was very, very ill. [00:07:58.090 – 00:08:00.420] I couldn't keep anything down. [00:08:00.420 – 00:08:07.880] I vomited for three days, and when I say I couldn't keep anything down, I mean gin.

[00:08:07.880 – 00:08:12.680] Uh, I wasn't so misguided as to try anything else. [00:08:12.680 – 00:08:14.600] I knew that wouldn't get down. [00:08:14.600 – 00:08:24.060] A doctor was called in, and he looked at me, and he asked for the phone and called for an ambulance. [00:08:24.060 – 00:08:34.360] And within a half an hour, I was in the hospital where they began a stomach pump and intravenous feeding and a shot of morphine. [00:08:34.360 – 00:08:45.260] Now, I don't know whether it was any one of these things or the combination, plus the fact that I hadn't eaten for a long time, did nothing but drink, but [00:08:45.260 – 00:08:47.230] I went into violent DTs. [00:08:47.230 – 00:08:56.860] I was in a straitjacket for two days, and I had two nurses a day taking care of me at a time. [00:08:56.860 – 00:09:00.240] That was six nurses in all every day.

[00:09:00.240 – 00:09:02.760] No one nurse wanted to take the case. [00:09:02.760 – 00:09:04.160] They came on in pairs. [00:09:04.160 – 00:09:12.200] I, uh, had the last rites of my church, and I lost my vision for a little while. [00:09:12.200 – 00:09:13.440] I was blind. [00:09:13.440 – 00:09:21.760] I, um, I had four blood transfusions and two weeks of intravenous feeding. [00:09:21.760 – 00:09:31.900] And I left that hospital five weeks later with my doctor's warning that I could never drink again, that I was an alcoholic. [00:09:31.900 – 00:09:41.900] The way he said it was, "You can't take a teaspoonful of beer." Well, I could have promised him that, but I [00:09:41.900 – 00:09:43.040] knew what he meant.

[00:09:43.040 – 00:09:53.280] Um, in May, the following May, nineteen forty-nine, my husband's business [00:09:53.280 – 00:09:58.120] took him to Puerto Rico, and I went down there, too. [00:09:58.120 – 00:10:08.320] And while we were there, we celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary, and I figured the situation called for a drink if it was the last thing I ever [00:10:08.320 – 00:10:08.720] did. [00:10:08.720 – 00:10:11.940] So we each had a can of beer. [00:10:11.940 – 00:10:17.660] Now, the can of beer didn't set up any wild longing for more to drink. [00:10:18.590 – 00:10:26.990] But I stopped saying to myself, "I'll never drink again." I got drunk two weeks later in Havana. [00:10:26.990 – 00:10:31.590] You could go to Havana then, and it was a lovely city.

[00:10:31.590 – 00:10:32.970] It was a gay city. [00:10:32.970 – 00:10:41.330] And we were invited to see the cradle of the daiquiri, La Floridita, and I said, "Oh, we must go. [00:10:41.330 – 00:10:51.390] It would be bad manners if we didn't." So, of course, we went to the cradle there, and, uh, I had a couple of daiquiris, and I switched [00:10:51.390 – 00:11:01.190] to martinis and wound up on champagne at a nightclub outside the city, uh, called Sans Souci. [00:11:01.190 – 00:11:03.590] It was a lovely place, too. [00:11:03.590 – 00:11:13.610] And I got drunk, and the next day I had a screaming hangover, and I also had the doctor's warning ringing in [00:11:13.610 – 00:11:16.870] my ears and the memory of the hospital stay. [00:11:16.870 – 00:11:20.350] So I made up my mind I wouldn't drink so much.

[00:11:20.350 – 00:11:30.630] We came home then and went over to Canada to visit my husband's people, and they're just the reverse of my folks in that they're [00:11:30.630 – 00:11:35.530] older and sheltered, and they didn't think of drinking. [00:11:35.530 – 00:11:44.870] But there was an occasional cocktail or highball, and, uh, I made up my mind that when I got home, I'd get back to normal. [00:11:44.870 – 00:11:47.750] Of course, to me, normal was drinking. [00:11:47.750 – 00:11:57.950] But when we got home, I discovered that I was going to have a baby, and this was wonderful news for Mac and me. [00:11:57.950 – 00:12:05.090] We were thrilled and delighted, and I thought, "This is it, motherhood, responsibility. [00:12:05.090 – 00:12:12.770] Everything is gonna be all right now." But I took very good care of myself. [00:12:12.770 – 00:12:21.250] Only the baby, a little boy, uh, was born with a collapsed lung, and he died five hours after birth.

[00:12:21.250 – 00:12:24.810] And of course, this did it as far as I was concerned. [00:12:24.810 – 00:12:31.250] I, um, when I came out of that hospital, I started drinking narcotically. [00:12:31.250 – 00:12:35.990] I drank every day, all day, and got up in the middle of the night and drank. [00:12:35.990 – 00:12:45.990] The baby died in May of nineteen fifty, and by September of that year, I [00:12:45.990 – 00:12:53.010] realized that I was drinking, and I couldn't stop because the harder I tried, the drunker I got. [00:12:53.010 – 00:13:01.350] And I saw my husband and my mother and father just, just looking brokenhearted and worn out with me. [00:13:01.350 – 00:13:08.449] And, uh, so in October of nineteen fifty, I called my doctor, and I said, "You're right. [00:13:08.449 – 00:13:19.000] I'm an alcoholic, and I can't stop drinking." So he said, "Can you get up to the hospital?" Well, Mac got me to the hospital,

[00:13:19.000 – 00:13:29.009] and the doctor looked at me, and he said, uh, uh, "You're sick, all right." He said, "I don't know whether or not I can pull you through [00:13:29.010 – 00:13:31.100] this, but I'll tell you one thing. [00:13:31.100 – 00:13:39.830] If you go on drinking, in fact, one more drunk will kill you." I knew he was right. [00:13:39.830 – 00:13:42.510] I didn't know whether or not he could pull me through. [00:13:42.510 – 00:13:52.850] After about a week, when, uh, it looked after that as if I'd live, my doctor said to me, "Now, [00:13:52.850 – 00:14:02.430] you have two methods of help, psychiatry or Alcoholics Anonymous." And I said, "I tried psychiatry, and it didn't work. [00:14:02.430 – 00:14:11.530] I'd like to try Alcoholics Anonymous." So with that, the next day, a lovely woman came to see me. [00:14:11.530 – 00:14:17.310] She was a blonde, and the following day, another lovely woman came to see me.

[00:14:17.310 – 00:14:19.430] She was a brunette. [00:14:19.430 – 00:14:29.430] They both were beautiful, and I thought, "If that's the way they look in AA, that's for me." Now, the first woman had said that she was [00:14:29.430 – 00:14:39.630] sober four years, and I just looked at her and said, "Nobody was ever sober four years." Uh, [00:14:39.630 – 00:14:49.810] the people I knew, I know we had one friend who used to be able to go on the wagon for Lent, which was about as heroic as anything I knew of. [00:14:49.810 – 00:14:53.430] And four years just sounded silly. [00:14:53.430 – 00:15:03.430] So I said, "How do you stay sober four hours?" "Well," she said, "we do this by staying away from one drink for [00:15:03.430 – 00:15:05.470] twenty-four hours at a time. [00:15:05.470 – 00:15:15.790] But if twenty-four hours is too long, stay away from a drink for an hour at a time, ten minutes at a time." "Now,"

[00:15:15.790 – 00:15:25.810] she said, "remember, anything you're doing is constructive just so long as you're not drinking." She said, uh, "Remember, [00:15:25.810 – 00:15:35.850] too, that we can't afford to get too hungry or too tired." And, uh, the too hungry part fit in with what my doctor told me because he told me [00:15:35.850 – 00:15:40.250] that for the rest of my life I'd have to eat three meals a day. [00:15:40.250 – 00:15:45.230] But the too tired part, it was just the opposite for me because I couldn't sleep. [00:15:45.230 – 00:15:52.250] When I went into that hospital, my, uh, skin was in a perfectly terrible condition. [00:15:52.250 – 00:16:01.890] My hands had gotten to be about as big as baseball gloves, and I had lost all my fingernails, actually lost them. [00:16:01.890 – 00:16:05.390] And, uh, I used a brush and comb to scratch. [00:16:05.390 – 00:16:10.250] It sounds funny now, but that's the way I itched, and it was the only thing at hand.

[00:16:10.250 – 00:16:20.450] And between that and the, the binge drinking I'd been doing, I was sick, and I couldn't [00:16:20.450 – 00:16:20.930] sleep. [00:16:20.930 – 00:16:22.610] I was climbing the walls. [00:16:22.610 – 00:16:32.622] And I begged my doctor for a sleeping pill, and he said, "I wouldn't give you a sleeping pill if you never slept for the rest of your [00:16:32.622 – 00:16:42.382] life." He said, "You're an alcoholic, and you can't control anything that comes out of a bottle unless it's milk," and I don't like milk. [00:16:42.382 – 00:16:44.302] I still don't like milk. [00:16:44.302 – 00:16:52.862] He said, uh, "You're not going anyplace." I couldn't do anything but glare at him. [00:16:52.862 – 00:17:01.902] He said, uh, "But you're resting, and eventually you'll sleep." Well, it took about a month.

[00:17:01.902 – 00:17:06.982] I was in the hospital that long, and eventually I did sleep. [00:17:06.982 – 00:17:17.242] But now I thank God, and I thank that doctor that I never got the pill habit because I know I'd have picked right up with pills where I left [00:17:17.242 – 00:17:18.262] off with gin. [00:17:18.262 – 00:17:27.142] It was, uh, suggested to me that I get to as many meetings as possible, that meetings were our medicine. [00:17:27.142 – 00:17:34.482] Well, the first meeting I went to when I got out of the hospital, uh, was an annual dinner. [00:17:34.482 – 00:17:44.742] It was the, um, anniversary of Bill, our co-founder, and it was held that year at the Hotel Astor, and there was something like fourteen or fifteen hundred [00:17:44.742 – 00:17:46.682] people there, all sober. [00:17:46.682 – 00:17:51.302] I, um, I never knew there were so many people in the world not drinking.

[00:17:51.302 – 00:17:54.802] I never ran into non-drinking people by choice. [00:17:54.802 – 00:18:02.242] And they were all having a good time, and what was even more wonderful, I had a good time. [00:18:02.242 – 00:18:12.442] I remember there was a couple at the table with us that, uh, I had never seen in my life before, but by the time the dinner was over, I felt like I'd known [00:18:12.442 – 00:18:13.662] them for years. [00:18:13.662 – 00:18:22.302] And I have that same feeling yet wherever I go in AA, that unique bond that we all have. [00:18:22.302 – 00:18:26.422] It's all part of each of us being part of one another. [00:18:26.422 – 00:18:34.462] I've gotten a lot of dividends out of AA, little as well as big. [00:18:34.462 – 00:18:40.642] For one thing, I've, um, I've gotten physical sobriety and good health back.

[00:18:40.642 – 00:18:45.622] That's what I thought I came in to get, and that's all I thought I was gonna get. [00:18:45.622 – 00:18:49.641] I can get up now and eat breakfast in the morning. [00:18:49.641 – 00:18:59.702] Uh, as a matter of fact, I, uh, said to Mac one time, uh, "You know, I haven't missed [00:18:59.702 – 00:19:04.382] a meal since October nineteen fifty," and he said, "I know. [00:19:04.382 – 00:19:12.842] You haven't been late for one either." Well, I used to blame Mac for my morning drinking. [00:19:12.842 – 00:19:17.622] He wanted me to eat a soft-boiled egg for breakfast. [00:19:17.622 – 00:19:24.771] And it used to take about three belts of gin to contemplate the egg- … [00:19:24.771 – 00:19:27.962] and almost the rest of the bottle to keep it down.

[00:19:27.962 – 00:19:33.302] And I used to think, if he didn't want me to eat that egg, I wouldn't drink in the morning. [00:19:33.302 – 00:19:36.482] Now, there's a nice clear piece of thinking for you. [00:19:36.482 – 00:19:41.662] And, uh, another thing, I can breathe again. [00:19:41.662 – 00:19:51.682] I used to work on the theory, uh, if I, uh, was in on any conversation, if I held my breath all through it, that nobody could tell I'd been [00:19:51.682 – 00:19:52.382] drinking. [00:19:52.382 – 00:20:01.582] Well, of course you could smell me, and it didn't make for very good conversation just standing there turning blue. [00:20:01.582 – 00:20:05.862] But, uh, I can breathe out now. [00:20:05.862 – 00:20:09.342] I might not smell good, but I don't smell of alcohol.

[00:20:09.342 – 00:20:13.422] And, uh, I can write my name again. [00:20:13.422 – 00:20:19.542] I never used to be able to sign anything unless I was partially crocked. [00:20:19.542 – 00:20:27.562] On the rare occasions that I had to put my name down sober, utter palsy set in. [00:20:27.562 – 00:20:31.622] I couldn't even hold a pen, much less write with it. [00:20:31.622 – 00:20:36.202] Well, I can write my name now, and I can address… [00:20:36.439 – 00:20:42.959] Group of people without a drink, and for me, that's progress because I needed a drink to do everything. [00:20:42.959 – 00:20:52.999] I have found a certain amount of serenity in AA, and I think I started to find it when I stopped doing the things [00:20:52.999 – 00:20:54.399] I was ashamed of.

[00:20:54.399 – 00:21:00.559] I'm not a liar, and I'm not a thief, but when I'm drinking, I'm both. [00:21:00.559 – 00:21:05.059] We have a three-and-a-half room apartment. [00:21:05.059 – 00:21:13.639] It said on the sign when we took it twenty-four years ago, and I had bottles hidden all over that house. [00:21:13.639 – 00:21:21.499] I could have stood in any one of the rooms in that apartment and reached a drink by the time you could have counted ten. [00:21:21.499 – 00:21:26.759] There was one in the Priscilla sewing basket in the living room. [00:21:26.759 – 00:21:31.059] In fact, that's the only thing that was in the Priscilla sewing basket. [00:21:31.059 – 00:21:36.759] Then there was that one down with the ammonia bottle in the kitchen. [00:21:36.759 – 00:21:46.559] How I never got a drink of ammonia was pure grace of God because the bottles were identical, and I was always in a hurry.

[00:21:46.559 – 00:21:52.939] And then there was that awful one in the middle drawer in the dresser in the bedroom. [00:21:52.939 – 00:21:58.259] But this would be on the weekends when Mac was home. [00:21:58.259 – 00:22:04.259] Uh, I didn't have any trouble on the weekdays itself because I could be open and aboveboard. [00:22:04.259 – 00:22:14.319] But the drawer squeaked to begin with, and, uh, then getting the bottle out and sometimes dropping a cork, which sounded like the side [00:22:14.319 – 00:22:15.659] of the house fell in. [00:22:15.659 – 00:22:25.659] Then nearly knocking a tooth out getting the bottle up to your head because I had long since stopped adding things like ice and, uh, [00:22:25.659 – 00:22:26.779] and whatnot. [00:22:26.779 – 00:22:37.319] And then getting the bottle back in and then starting to worry whether or not it was leaking down through the underwear.

[00:22:37.319 – 00:22:40.859] Not that I cared about the underwear. [00:22:40.859 – 00:22:45.019] I don't have to do these things anymore. [00:22:45.019 – 00:22:53.059] Um, another thing, thank God I no longer have to worry about primary day. [00:22:53.059 – 00:23:00.759] Now, uh, I don't know how they set the date for primary day. [00:23:00.759 – 00:23:04.158] It must be done by one of the phases of the moon. [00:23:04.158 – 00:23:09.739] Election day, you can follow it along with your finger on the calendar. [00:23:09.739 – 00:23:14.609] But primary day is just primary day. [00:23:14.609 – 00:23:19.459] I never knew about it until it came over the radio or it was in the morning paper.

[00:23:19.459 – 00:23:25.279] And I was never ready once in twenty-two years for primary day. [00:23:25.279 – 00:23:35.959] Now, when primary day comes, I say, "Ah, it's primary day." Um, [00:23:35.959 – 00:23:39.979] I have found enthusiasm in AA. [00:23:39.979 – 00:23:49.119] Uh, as a matter of fact, I remember when I was eighteen, I knew a man, thirty-six, and he said, "Never lose your enthusiasm, kid. [00:23:49.119 – 00:23:55.699] You might as well be dead." And I remember thinking at the time, at thirty-six, you might as well be dead anyhow. [00:23:55.699 – 00:24:03.459] But he was right, and, uh, I have mine back, just as we all have. [00:24:03.459 – 00:24:07.899] It's like we all had a shot in the arm, and we're running under a full head of steam. [00:24:07.899 – 00:24:09.839] It's wonderful just to watch.

[00:24:09.839 – 00:24:14.299] I, uh, have found usefulness in AA. [00:24:14.299 – 00:24:19.519] I don't know whether or not I am useful, but I feel useful, and that means everything. [00:24:19.519 – 00:24:29.559] Uh, when I made that terrific decision not to take a drink for one day at a time, the thing happened to me so fast [00:24:29.559 – 00:24:30.119] it seemed. [00:24:30.119 – 00:24:35.619] I thought, "Now, what am I gonna do with myself?" Because you see, drinking were my hobby. [00:24:35.619 – 00:24:40.839] But now I know there's plenty of things I can do. [00:24:40.839 – 00:24:42.979] I can do twelve-step work. [00:24:42.979 – 00:24:45.479] I can be active in my group.

[00:24:45.479 – 00:24:49.479] I can carry the message of AA like I'm trying to do now. [00:24:49.479 – 00:24:56.659] If I do nothing else but show by happy example that AA works for me, I feel useful. [00:24:56.659 – 00:25:02.278] And I know that as long as I work for AA, AA will work for me. [00:25:02.278 – 00:25:05.459] And why shouldn't I work for AA? [00:25:05.459 – 00:25:08.799] Without this fellowship, I would be dead. [00:25:08.799 – 00:25:18.879] And what can I possibly do to repay this wonderful group of, of AA, to try to repay them for [00:25:18.879 – 00:25:20.679] giving me back my life? [00:25:20.679 – 00:25:26.018] Uh, anything I do is too small, too absurd to even mention.

[00:25:26.018 – 00:25:26.519] Yes. [00:25:26.519 – 00:25:30.459] I owe my father's sobriety to AA. [00:25:30.459 – 00:25:33.119] I never remember Pop sober. [00:25:33.119 – 00:25:42.819] Uh, not that he was a mean drunk or was he always falling down, but he was drunk every day for thirty-eight years. [00:25:42.819 – 00:25:47.398] I know about most of it, and Mom tells me about the rest. [00:25:47.398 – 00:25:53.659] And he was either getting off one or going on one or just sort of leveling off. [00:25:53.659 – 00:26:03.679] And Pop stopped drinking in the middle of a bottle of beer on March twenty-seven, nineteen fifty-one, and [00:26:03.679 – 00:26:04.419] that was it.

[00:26:04.419 – 00:26:07.499] And, and he's my pigeon, and I'm proud of him. [00:26:07.499 – 00:26:17.689] And, uh, and I think, too, we owe a great debt of thanks to the non-alcoholic friends, [00:26:17.689 – 00:26:22.659] relatives, uh, husband and wife of AA members. [00:26:22.659 – 00:26:28.139] Uh, my husband's non-alcoholic, but he drank, or I wouldn't have married him. [00:26:28.139 – 00:26:31.083] Chances are I might not have met him. [00:26:31.083 – 00:26:38.083] Um, matter of fact, uh, our wedding day is, uh, May 30th. [00:26:38.083 – 00:26:42.203] That's, uh, Memorial Day, uh, Decoration Day. [00:26:42.203 – 00:26:43.363] It's a holiday.

[00:26:43.363 – 00:26:52.963] And the reason I picked it was because I figured we could get drunk all down through the years the night before and have a holiday to rest up on. [00:26:52.963 – 00:26:56.123] And that's how I come to pick my wedding day. [00:26:56.123 – 00:26:58.663] And Mac went along with it. [00:26:58.663 – 00:27:01.423] At that time, we both thought it was a good idea. [00:27:01.423 – 00:27:07.443] And, uh, my mother's not an alcoholic, but she was my drinking companion. [00:27:07.443 – 00:27:10.903] And I used to think she was an alcoholic. [00:27:10.903 – 00:27:15.763] Even after I came into AA for a while, I could have sworn she had all the symptoms. [00:27:15.763 – 00:27:22.623] But then now I look back, and I can see that I wanted the family to come in as a unit.

[00:27:22.623 – 00:27:28.763] And, uh, but Mom can drink and stop, and that's the acid test. [00:27:28.763 – 00:27:36.023] And I have a sister-in-law who is a nun, and she's not an alcoholic. [00:27:36.023 – 00:27:43.823] But she thinks that Alcoholics Anonymous is the miracle of our times, and I'm inclined to go along with that. [00:27:43.823 – 00:27:53.973] And without their love and their prayers and their confidence in, in this fellowship, it would've been a lot harder for Mac [00:27:53.973 – 00:27:54.863] and me. [00:27:54.863 – 00:27:57.643] They made it relatively easy. [00:27:57.643 – 00:28:02.243] And last but not least, I've learned to pray again. [00:28:02.243 – 00:28:11.163] I was fortunate in that I hadn't lost my belief in God, nor had I gotten away from my church.

[00:28:11.163 – 00:28:17.243] But my prayers were lip-deep and always on a bargaining basis. [00:28:17.243 – 00:28:28.403] For example, it was a case of, uh, to be specific, "Please don't let Mac find that bottle until I can refill it." It [00:28:28.403 – 00:28:41.803] was sort of like the little girl that had a geography test in the afternoon and went home that night and prayed, "Please, God, make Albany the capital of Massachusetts." But [00:28:41.803 – 00:28:47.423] now, every morning, I make a decision, and I make it when I brush my teeth. [00:28:47.423 – 00:28:54.223] It's gotten to be a part of my toothbrush, that no matter what happens today, I won't take a drink. [00:28:54.223 – 00:28:59.823] And I ask God to help me to keep that promise to Him and to myself. [00:28:59.823 – 00:29:06.343] And I ask God, too, if it's possible, please let me help somebody today. [00:29:06.343 – 00:29:16.823] And when night comes, I thank God not only for my cherished sobriety but for twenty-four hours more in a world made beautiful

[00:29:16.823 – 00:29:18.123] without alcohol. [00:29:18.123 – 00:29:25.663] I'm not proud of the things that brought me to AA, but I'm very, very proud to be a part of it. [00:29:25.663 – 00:29:29.463] It's a wonderful fellowship, and I love it. [00:29:29.463 – 00:29:32.083] It's worldwide now. [00:29:32.083 – 00:29:34.623] I believe it's in over 80 countries. [00:29:34.623 – 00:29:44.683] And for anybody who is having trouble believing in a higher power but who is keeping an open mind and [00:29:44.683 – 00:29:49.603] who would like a little help in that direction, perhaps this will do. [00:29:49.603 – 00:29:56.623] Alcoholics Anonymous started some twenty-seven years ago with two men.

[00:29:56.623 – 00:30:06.883] In that relatively short space of time, it has covered language barriers, customs of countries, until [00:30:06.883 – 00:30:14.223] now it's in over 80 countries with a membership of well over 300,000 recovered alcoholics. [00:30:14.223 – 00:30:17.803] This is too big to be a coincidence. [00:30:17.803 – 00:30:19.863] It couldn't just happen. [00:30:19.863 – 00:30:29.903] But for me at any rate, it's a wonderful, warm feeling to know that I'm no longer alone, that for the rest of [00:30:29.903 – 00:30:36.503] my life, as long as I live and wherever I go, I'll always have a friend in AA. [00:30:36.503 – 00:30:38.903] Thank you, and congratulations