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Source: DICOBE-00531 – Kay S – FOUNDERS DAY – 1979-06-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00531-kay-s-founders-day-1979-06-15.mp3 Duration: 01:15:44
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I have a speaker tonight. I can recall in the past years, our speaker has been very active here in Akron, in this fellowship. She's headed up our fellowship dinner, and every year, when she gets through with her little thing, she's introducing the head table and, you know, she's got to call us the big shots. And I want to tell you, she has good quality AA. I really believe this. A fine lady. Tonight, she's the top big shot here. I like it, Kay.
I'll give you Kay S. from Akron, Ohio, from the Flame Group. I wonder if Leo D. is here. Okay, because I told him I couldn't start this meeting until he got here. Hi, everybody. I'm Kay S., and I'm an alcoholic. How come it's down? It's supposed to work. Just a minute, it's going to come down. That's better. Now I can see it. It really feels good to be sober, doesn't it? It really feels good to, well, for me to be anyplace. But it especially makes me feel good to be right here at home in Akron, Ohio, the birthplace of Alcoholics Anonymous. For but the grace of God and two men, I wouldn't be here, and so many of us wouldn't. We all, and I do know that I do, owe so very much to our founders, Dr. Bob and Bill W. You know, it took Dr. Bob's knowledge of medicine, Bill's spiritual awakening, and the help of God to get this thing started. And from a lot of good people, a lot of good people like Lois and Annie, Henrietta Seiberling, all these people, that they themselves did not have the problem. I feel very lucky, very grateful. And I don't know why, I really don't know why, that my people right here in Akron, that knows every ugly little thing about me, let me do this. But I'm sure that they thought it over real good, and they don't make mistakes, and they got me. And I'm glad they did.
Let us start the meeting with the serenity prayer. It always makes me feel better. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. Another little prayer that I heard a girl say, everything practically that I say other than my own personal story, I have gotten from someone else. And I heard this girl in Cleveland say this, and I've always used it. I thank you, God, for all you have given me.
I thank you for all you have taken away. But most of all, I thank you for all you have left me. And that's exactly the way I feel. I am so grateful to God as I understand him for all he has left me. Now, I know there are a lot of people that don't like to hear a drunk-a-log. They say that they know how to get drunk, and they just want to know how to get sober. Well, I think that's good. But you see, I tell a drunk-a-log. And they told me that they asked me down here to talk. And I guess you came to listen, and whoever gets finished first can go home. Because I talk a long time.
[00:05:05]
Now, a lot of people will tell you they don't talk a very long time, and then you sit for a long time. Well, I'm going to tell you I do talk a long time, because I'm a southerner. I come from West Virginia, and I don't say much, I just talk slow. It takes me a little longer. My husband said he thought he was marrying a southern belle, and he wound up with a ding-a-ling. But I like to, I think it's important for me, it's important for me to remember, and I don't like to have my back to you all, but I don't know what to do with it. But anyway, let's see, now I don't want to get mixed up right at the beginning. I usually keep you a little longer when I get mixed up, and I don't want to do that. But you know, we all have so very much to be grateful for. And you can be grateful of one thing, that it's cool tonight. This is not air-conditioned, and you will be glad before I get finished. But I came from West Virginia, from good, hard-working, I refer to my parents as salt-of-the-earth kind of people. They were good. They believed and they practiced, do unto others as you would have others do unto you. My parents had eight children, four boys and four girls. Now their goal in life was just to raise nice kids. They wanted my brothers to grow up to be gentlemen, and they wanted four girls to grow up and be ladies. And along came Kay. I blew their program sky-high from the very beginning. Because you see, I never done the things that my parents considered a lady would do. It seemed to me that my family, society, they had a little mole sit out here, and they said, Kay, nice girls don't do this, good girls don't do that. Now I wanted to please my parents, I really did. I wanted them to be real proud of me, and I tried to fit into that mold. But I was just never quite able to make it. Now, down home, they used to make a lot of that old moonshine. And my parents were not drinking people, however they would have a drink. But I started drinking that old white light. And I was about 14, 15 years old. I don't know how old I was, but boy, I'll tell you, I liked it. Now I liked the taste of it, and I liked the smell of it. And I liked what it done for me. And now drinking, of course, was no problem. But I always, I always liked booze. I came to the big city of Akron. I was 17 when I came to the big city, and folks, you better believe it was a big place. Because now where I come from was 13 miles to the nearest town. And I came to Akron, and they had streetlights, and they had tall buildings, and they had beer joints, and they had nightclubs, and they had people just running every which way, and they had cars. God, I never seen so many cars in my life. Down home, if we'd see four cars in a row, they'd say, it must have been a big funeral.
So here I am in the big town. And you know, I always wanted people to like me. And I still do. I want you to like me. I want your approval, and I always did. However, since being in Alcoholics Anonymous, I've since learned, if you don't like me, that's just because you didn't get to know me very good, and that's your problem. But you know, it was always important to me for people to like me. And I went to every length to get them to like me. And I always seemed like drinking people.
And I started going around to all these wonderful places, all these nightclubs, and these beer joints, and it was really great. And now, wanting to be a part of, wanting to belong, well, I started going, and I found out right away that I was going to have to change. Because you see, ladies in Akron didn't drink out of a quart jar like we did down home,
[00:10:00]
so I was going to have to start drinking the cocktails and the mixed drinks and all that kind of stuff. And I did, but I didn't like it. I still don't know why they'd mess up a good shot of booze with all that stuff, but they do, and they did. But I learned real early that all I had to do was tell a bartender, set me up one, he would, I'd drink it, I'd go back to the table and try to drink like a lady. I always wanted to drink like a lady. However, I can never remember one time in my life that I ever took one drink and wanted to stop. Anytime I ever took a drink, I wanted to drink more. I can never remember any time in my life of saying, we've had enough to drink, let's go home. Not me. I'd say, let's go to my house, let's go to your house, let's find an after-hours joint, but let's keep on going. I like to drink. Speaking of a drink, I'll have one.
And, you know, it was just wonderful because I liked everything about drinking. Thank you. I like those bright lights. I like the loud music, and I like the good-looking boys, and everything about drinking I liked. And I wanted to drink until the day I died, and I almost made it, too. But if there is any members here, or people here, I know all my alcoholic friends will go right along with me, and we understand, we know what it's like. And our Al-Anon people, they do. If we do have other guests that are not in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, or you do not have someone in and just came to be with us, we're really happy to have you.
And maybe, just maybe, by listening to me, you will find that we didn't want to do the things we did, and we didn't. And maybe you can just enjoy, and then when you find that old granny, or grandpa, or uncle Charlie, or someplace that's hit up in your attic, well, you'll know where to bring me. So the things I say, please know that we do welcome everyone, and I get to talking sometimes, and I forget that there are other people besides we drunks. So I'm really glad to have you here, and maybe you will understand us a little, a little more. But anyway, I like that old drink, and I'll tell you that I had a lot of fun when I drank. But you know, after I came into the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, someone told me that there was a whole lot of difference in having fun and having happiness. I didn't know that before, but I found out. Today, I'm happy. I really am happy. But at that time, I was having fun. I met some boy out then, and I got married, and I have two children. I'm real proud of those children, but anyway, I got married, and we drank.
It was primarily weekend drinking. After 13 years of being married, we were divorced. Now, drinking had nothing to do with this divorce. I like to believe that during this time, it was as normal as my life was to be prior to Alcoholics Anonymous. I took my children to church, to Sunday school. We had Bible studies. I was active in scouting, PTA. I did the things that most mothers did, and I'm very grateful for that. Because you see, as the children hit their teens, I hit the bottle heavier, and I was not able to guide my children as they so desperately needed. But I do like to believe that I gave them some basis for good living, because they turned out to be beautiful children, and I'm really proud of them. I know that God was watching down on them. I know that, but I'm grateful. I'm grateful. I really am. But you know, this disease, I didn't know that I had a disease. I didn't know what made me do crazy things, and it took me a long time to find out.
You know, in this fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's many, many different degrees of our illness, and I do believe it to be an illness. I believe it to be a progressive illness. I believe it to be one that always gets worse, and it never gets better. It never gets better, because I tried, and I tried, and I tried. And that's why I like to tell you my story the way it started in the beginning, and how a nice girl like me wound up in a place like this.
But, you know, it was really, it really was something, because I never meant to be an alcoholic. I never woke up one morning and said, you know, Be an alcoholic. I never woke up one morning and said, you know, my goal in life is to be an alcoholic.
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My goal in life is to hurt everyone I came into contact with. Never in my life did I mean to hurt anyone, yet I hurt everything and everyone I touched as I walked that way down the road to hell and back. But you see, this level is like getting on an elevator, someone told me. You can push that button, you can get off the floor, any floor you want to. Just as our disease, you don't have to go all the way.
With me, I didn't push the button, and I went all the way. I went all the way to the basement. I went all the way to hell. But one day at a time, one step at a time, with God as I understand Him, and your help, I have been able to walk back, able to walk back and found love and I found happiness, something I never believed was possible, never believed was possible. And when I say, ain't it great to be sober, man, I mean that from all the way down within me.
I mean it. I mean it because this program of Alcoholics Anonymous has truly given me everything. But anyway, I better get back and tell you that I drank, or you won't think I did. But, you know, after this marriage, this divorce, I moved in with my parents. I'm a hairdresser, and my mother took over the care of the children, and I worked. I worked long hours. I worked hard. It was necessary that I did.
However, after working, I did not have the usual duties that I had prior to this, you know, taking care of the children, the home, and so forth. My mother did that. So after work, I could go out and do my thing. Well, my thing was drinking. And I don't know if I was loose ends or now I could just do what I wanted to do, but this was what I did. I started drinking. I started burning a candle on both ends.
And it was going to those wonderful places, you know. And it was about this time that I met this old boy. Now, I'm telling you, he was my kind of people. He was a drinker. He could hold his liquor. And he wasn't one of them fighting drunks. Now, I never did like fighting drunks. But he could hold his liquor, and we just got along real good. And he said that I got him drunk and got him married. And I tell you the truth, I really don't know what happened.
But that was when I married my KC, and that is when my problems really started. A fact it is. But now, again, I want to tell you that most of the things that happened to me in my life, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. Someone else always got me in trouble. And I want to tell you what a good wife I was to this old boy, too. Now, he didn't drive. Now, I would take him any place he wanted to go.
It didn't make any difference to me what beer joint it was. If he didn't suggest one, I would. And it seemed that this being a progressive illness, one that always gets worse, it never gets better. And it was getting worse. Because now, you see, we started losing our car. I don't know if that ever happened to you or not. But boy, it sure is an awful feeling to get up and look out and you don't have a car.
But it wasn't my fault. Because I figure I take this fellow any place he wants to do. The least he could do is watch where we park that car. And he never did. And, you know, the next thing I knew, well, we started hitting other people's cars. But it wasn't my fault. Because, you see, I never knew what the guy in front of me was going to do. I didn't know if he was going to turn left, if he was going to turn right, if he was going to stop.
And I just hit him. Now, I'll tell you, I've hit so many cars, I couldn't tell you. You wouldn't believe the cars I've hit. But I always hit them in the rear. Never did I have a head-on collision. But, you know, the insurance company. We used to try to tell them that it wasn't my fault. I didn't know. And I'd say to Casey, did you see that guy stop? Did you see that guy give me a signal? Casey didn't see it.
I didn't see it. I figured both of us could be wrong.
[00:20:00]
But that insurance company didn't believe that. So we was canceled with a couple different companies. Now, I'll tell you, drinking was getting bad. It was getting real bad. Now I'm having to get friends, you know, to take us to find a car. And that's a good way to run out of friends. It's not a way to win friends and influence people. But they started looking at me funny. Now I don't know if you ever had people look at you funny or not, but I didn't like it.
They looked like, well, you know, maybe I was drinking too much. And I never wanted anyone to believe that I was drinking too much. But things was really starting to speed up now in my life. Because you see, no sooner was I married to this Casey, than right away he got up in the morning and had a drink. He drank in the morning. I didn't understand that. And I asked him why he did. And he said it made him feel better.
The butterflies went away. And I thought that was crazy. I was feeling real good. Real good. But you know, I'd stopped working now. And along about Monday morning, I wasn't feeling very good after a long weekend. I've since learned that I was having a slight hangover. Very slight. But Casey told me if I'd have a drink that I'd feel better. And I didn't want to. Really didn't want to. But he insisted.
He asked me two or three times. And I took that drink. And it done exactly what he said it would do. The butterflies went away. And then he went away. And then I went away. I just kept right on drinking. Just kept right on drinking. From that day on, there was few days that I didn't drink something. I don't mean to imply to you that I was falling down drunk every day. But I drank something. I love my family.
I love them very much. Large family. Close family. And I wanted them to know I did. And we were scattered all over the country. And I started calling them up every time I'd get drunk to tell them how much I loved them. My one little sister that happens to be here tonight, she lived in Newfoundland. And I started calling her up too. Now, every time I got drunk was like about three or four times a week now.
And I'm going to tell you that you don't call Newfoundland for ten cents. It seemed that I'd call her up and she'd say to me, Kay, have you been drinking again? I'd say, no, no, I haven't been drinking again. What makes you think I have? Well, it's four or five o'clock in the morning and she just sort of decided I'd been drinking. Well, that hurt my feelings when she'd do that and I'd hang up on her.
And then I felt guilty about it. And then I'd have to call her back. Well, I want to tell you when them phone bills started coming in, that KC got right nasty. But I told him, I said, hey, fella, stay off my back. I don't want to hear nothing out of you. Don't give me no problem. You get drunk. You want to call everybody you know. And now you're trying to blame me. And the truth of it was he didn't know if he did or if he didn't.
Thank God, thank God. If I hadn't have been married to a drunk, I'm telling you, I wouldn't be here telling you my story. Any other man would have had me killed. But, you know, it was so strange. My mother started nagging me about this time. My mother decided I drank too much. I said, Mama, I can stop drinking any time I want to. I don't hurt anybody but myself. I remember one day that my mother said to me, if you don't have any pride, if you don't care anything about yourself, for God's sake, think of what you're doing to those children.
But I had her there. I told her what a good mother I was. I told her about all the places I took the children, and I did. I took my children every place you took yours. I took them swimming. I took them fishing. I done everything you did. The only thing was, you see, I usually took a bottle with me. I also told my mother about all the things that I gave my children.
[00:25:01]
I gave my children much more than they needed materially. Now, it wasn't because I was a good mother, you see, but it was because I was trying to buy my way out. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of the drinking that I was doing, so they'd want this or they would want that, and I would buy it for them, buying my way out. That was one thing I always did. But I do know, and I do want to tell any mothers here tonight, particularly if you happen to be new in the fellowship, it took me a long time to get over that feeling, but I have to believe, and I do believe, that I was as good a mother as I was capable of being at that time because, you see, I was sick.
I was suffering from this illness, this illness of alcoholism that always gets worse, and it never gets better. It always gets worse. You know, I hear you men tell me what a rough time you had getting up shaving in the morning. You don't know anything. Now, I want to tell you, if you want to know how bad it really is, boys, try getting up in the morning with a real sick. Now, I don't mean a little hangover.
I mean a sick, sick, sick. Sick as only the alcoholic can get, needing a drink. Got to go to that beer joint to get that bottle and try to get your eyes on it. Now, if you use as much paint as I do, you see, you got to have a real steady hand, and I didn't have that steady hand anymore. I couldn't get my eyes on it. Or try going to a hairdresser, now sick, and sit under a hot hairdryer for an hour.
It's just like sticking your head in the oven, if you can imagine that, when you're dying. There's no way you can do it. I'll tell you that. I'd tell that girl, take them things out of my hair. I'm a-getting, and I got. And I went right out and I drank. Now my hair's a-hanging. Can't get my face on. Wore a pair of old baggy pants. They were not in fashion at that time. People started looking at me funny.
They said, Kay, you look sick. I said, I am. And I was. I said, I got sinus. That's why I had the bags under my eyes. I told them the times I had the flu. I told them about the times I had the virus. When all else failed, I'd tell them I was going through change of life. I'd been going through change of life ten years before I ever heard tell of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I want to tell you something.
The alcoholic woman has to tell them something. Could I tell my neighbors? Could I tell people, Hey, I've just been laying at the house drunk for a week. That's why I look bad. What would they have thought of me? How could I tell them? No way. My life had become one web of lies. One web of lies. I was sick, and I didn't know why. I was sick. I remember those nights, those God-awful long nights that I'd wake up in the middle of the night so sick, so God-awful sick, that I didn't know how I could wait until morning.
Because, you see, at this time in our lives, we didn't have too much booze at the house. We decided, someplace along the line, that if we had it, we was going to drink it. Now, if we had six bottles, six cases, it wouldn't have made any difference. We would have just kept on drinking. We'd just kept on being drunk. So we decided if we would drink at the bar, if we would drink out, we wouldn't drink as much.
It wasn't after I came into the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that we was trying to control our drinking. And they told me, once you start trying to control your drinking, you've already lost control. But, you see, I didn't know. I didn't know that. So now, every night, these nights that I would wake up during the middle of the night so God-awful sick, needing a drink, needing a drink so desperately, getting up, looking around, scrounging around to find, to see if I could find a bottle.
Because I knew once I would have a drink that instantly, just instantly, I would feel better. Instantly, I would feel better. Sometimes I'd find one, but more times than not, I remember those nights of walking the floor, looking at my watch, it would be 20 minutes after 2, and I'd walk that floor for about 2 more hours, and I'd look, and it would be 2.30, and the night would go on and on and on, and be so sick, so, so sick, waiting for that bar to open in the morning.
[00:30:24]
I remember waiting for the bus to come to get the children. Sometimes I could out-wait them, but sometimes I couldn't. Sometimes I'd have to go before they did, and I'd make some excuses as to why I had to go here or there. My life was a mess. I'd become something I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be. I'll tell you one little story, one little thing that happened to me. It was a real hot summer day in June. I was having all my friends in that night for a cookout. All my friends, you know, were drinking people. I did not associate with people that didn't drink. And so I was fixing the food for the evening, and I had on a bikini outfit. Now, that's just a little bit down here and a little less up here.
And I live out in the country, and I was having a little nip or two. Everything I would do now, I'd have to have a little nip or two to do it. So I checked the liquor cabinet, and I decided, all those people coming, I'd better run to the liquor store and get a couple more bottles. Now, I don't usually run around the streets dressed in a bikini outfit, but drunk I would and have done just about everything. And this day was no exception. I took off to the liquor store in my bikini. Well, on the way up there was my favorite little bar. Now, this is where all my friends went. And I decided I'd better stop in, see who was there and what they was doing, make sure the girl was sterilizing her glasses and putting all the money in the register.
You know, just strictly minding other people's business. I had a few, probably quite a few, but I didn't make it on to the liquor store. But the next thing I knew, I woke up and I looked around. Now, I'd been a lot of places in my time, but I'll tell you something, I'd never been in this place before. But it didn't take me too long to find out the little lady was in jail. Great day in the morning. Well, I called K.C. and I told him where I was at. He got someone to come and get me. And I said that day, this will never happen to me again. A little bit of bad luck. It could happen to anybody if you drove like I did and if you drank like I did. But I said it'll never happen to me no more and I'm in it.
But you know, it was only about three weeks later and it seems that I was over in Barberton and I decided to take a nap over there in one of their main intersections. That's right, I woke up in the same old place. And I took a look around and I knew where I was this time. I'd been there before. I called K.C. and I told him. And K.C. tried to protect me, he really did, from my friends and family as to the amount that I drank. I lied to everyone about drinking with the exception of K.C. I didn't have to lie to him. That's the only reason I didn't.
But anyway, since K.C. didn't drive, well, he got our son to bring him to jail to get me out. Friends, this is something that I never want to forget as long as I live. It's something that I'm not proud of. I'll never forget the day that I walked out of that cell. And my son is a good boy and he's a handsome boy. Any one of you would be proud to call him your son. And I never want to forget the day I walked out and I looked at him and I wanted to go up and I wanted to put my arms around him and I wanted to say, son, I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but I can't stop drinking. I can't stop drinking.
I knew I could not stop. But you know, I don't remember what he said to me, but I remember saying to him, come on, come on, let's go. I need a drink. I need a drink. And I did need a drink. And I went out and I continued to drink. I have been arrested four times for DWI. You think it can't happen to you? It can. All these things that happened to me can happen to you. Circumstances makes a difference in our life.
[00:35:07]
You know, I think that I could have coped with all the problems and I was having many in my life. I think I could have coped with these problems if it wouldn't have been for the sickness. But this God awful sickness, I could not take it. You know, other people can get you out of trouble and, you know, make things easy for you. But when you are sick on the booze, man, you got to go alone. Nobody can go there for you, you know.
And I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I could no longer take care of my house. I couldn't even get a cleaning lady. If I did, then she'd know I drank and she'd probably told everybody. And things was really in a real mess around my house. And one day after a particularly long drunk, I drank every day, but then I'd go on these binges that I did absolutely nothing but lay and drink. And after a particularly long binge, well, I was up one day and Casey and I were up trying to get better. And my drinks wouldn't stay down. Now, I've been around long enough to know that you just got to keep trying. Don't be a quitter.
And I wasn't a quitter. I tried. I tried all these little things that I'd ever heard of. A little bit of creamed mint, a little bit of bitters, you know, this, that. And I tried them all. Trying to keep a drink down, and I couldn't keep it down. And I was sick. Oh, my God, I was sick. So sick. Now, we talk of resentments in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I want to tell you that I had a resentment before I ever got here, and that happened to be one of the days, because every drink that Casey took was a staying down. He was getting drunk as a skunk and I was a dying. I resented that.
We came home. It was the blackest day in my life, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know that I was suffering from an illness, one that always gets worse and it will never get better. And my mother was there. My mother could always be to my house when I didn't want her to be. Now, I'm going to have to tell another lie. But, you know, friends, I was just so sick, just so sick, that I just said to Mama, I'm so sick. I am so sick. And she said, if you are so sick, why don't you go to the hospital? Now, my mama did not mean an alcoholic ward, because, bless her heart, she had never heard of such a place. But I had.
Now, I had heard about St. Thomas. I heard that you could go there and get the cure. I didn't know that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, there's no cure for our illness, but I didn't know that. And I turned around to Casey and he was snoggered right out of his mind. But I said to him, I said, Casey, will you give me the money to go to St. Thomas and get the cure? And he looked at me just as cross-eyed and shook his finger at me and he said, I'll cure you myself if you listen to me.
Well, now, the only thing that ever kept me out of a mental hospital was Casey was too drunk to have me committed. But I wasn't that crazy. I wasn't that crazy. And I used to say I didn't know what happened, but now I have come to know. I have come to know and to believe that God was directing me that day. I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know anything about it. I didn't know anyone in the program. And I was going to call St. Thomas. However, I went in and looked up the number of Alcoholics Anonymous. A miracle, a happening, call it what you may.
I called Alcoholics Anonymous and the man answered the phone. And I said, I'm sick from drinking. Can you help me? And he said, yeah. We'll send a couple women out right away. Now, I'm going to tell you that that's the last thing I wanted out of my house was a couple women out there snooping around. And then they'd know I drank too much. And they'd tell everybody. I vetoed that right away. I said to him, I'm sick. But no way, you know. And thanks be to God that it happened the way it did because this man has since passed away, but he said he would call me back.
[00:40:00]
And he called me back in just a few minutes. And he had made arrangements for me to go to St. Thomas Hospital. But there was something that impressed me then, but it impresses me more the longer I am sober. This man did not ask my religion. He did not ask my politics. He didn't ask me if I was rich or poor. He didn't ask me what side of the street I lived on. He didn't ask my nationality. I'm glad he didn't because if they hadn't been taking West Virginians that day, I'd have been dead.
But he told me that I could be admitted to St. Thomas Alcoholic Ward. And again, my mother and my son took me to the hospital. The next thing I remember, and I was very, very sick. I wanted that day again to tell them how sorry I was, but I didn't. I'm sure I gave them a lot of good things they should be doing. But anyway, the next thing I remember, I woke up, and there was this lady, and she was sitting by my bed. And I was crying, and she was holding my hand. And I said to her, probably very defiantly, I'm in here because I drink too much. And she said, yes, I know. I understand because I'm an alcoholic.
I looked her over, and now my sponsor has since passed away quite a few years ago. But I looked her over, and the only way that I have ever been able to describe her is she was a little woman, and she was a pretty woman, and every ounce of her was dignity. She was a beautiful, beautiful person. And after listening to her for the first time in my life, I knew that someone understood and knew how I felt inside of me. I knew it was a feeling, the feeling.
The next thing I remember, her name was Annabelle, and the most beautiful person in the world. The next thing I remember was Annabelle was there, and she showed me the twelve suggested steps of recovery. Now, if you do not have a copy of those, make sure you get one before you leave the campus tonight. But Annabelle showed me these steps, and I took a look at them. Now, they were full of God. Now, I didn't know or understand at that time anything about God, and it said in there that someplace that you come to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. Well, now, I wasn't crazy. I did a lot of funny things, but I wasn't crazy.
It said something in there about you admit to God, yourself, and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. I'd been hiding the exact nature of my wrongs for years, and I wasn't going to tell nobody now, you see. And I looked at those, and I said to my sponsor, my God, I don't think I could do those, but I don't want to drink anymore. And this is what she said. She said, Kay, maybe for you, if you will just try to practice honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love. And very quickly, she told me that honesty means it's either true or false.
Purity makes me feel real gay. The only thing was they give me that old girl fever, and that's exactly what I did. I went out and I got drunk. They told me that it was just like instead of drinking my booze, I'd been eating it. So, anyway, I got drunk. I wound up in a little dry-out place. I came home, went into the hospital, had the operations, came out, and Kayce's sister came to visit. Now, I'd never met her. She lived in Kansas, and I'd never met her, and I wanted to really impress her. I did. She'll never forget me.
She wanted to go down to West Virginia. I told her I'd take her. I was able to walk back and forth in my own house. on House, Now it was a six hour drive at that time, I could have walked it in six hours with taking these pills, because they give you energy I tell you, but anyway K.C. didn't
[00:45:05]
want me to go, but I convinced him it would be alright. I took his sister-in-law down to West Virginia, I took her to her relative's house, I went to the hotel, checked in, which was my usual pattern, ordered myself a fifth of booze, and I proceeded to get drunk. Well now his sister didn't even know I drank, and she come up that night to see me. Now when I get drunk my hair gets drunk, my arms get drunk, my legs get drunk, I just get drunk all over. She'd never seen anyone get in the kind of shape I could get in. And she called my husband in Akron and told him. Well, K.C. called me and he said that, he suggested that I come home. Well, being the kind of a lady I was, we only had one car in the family and I had it, but I said if you want me you know where I am, come and get me. That's the way I was. But you know my husband, the way he was and the way he is, that's exactly what he did. He, and again our son, got a cab from Barberton, came the six hours to Glenville, West Virginia to get me out of jail. Now I'll tell you, instead of one drunk there was two of them. It was too wet to plow around Glenville. We don't know if we left that night or the next day that we left. For the next three weeks, my friends, three weeks, my husband and I laid in our own home, unable to get out to get a drink. We'd just call up and have it delivered. We'd wake up long enough to drink a water glass for an old black ride out again. You think it can't happen? You think it can't happen to you? I tell you that it can. It does. There's not too many people who live to tell about it. Most of them die before they get help. But we was laying right in our own home. You think a skid row in a boxcar, some old gutter, you know there isn't any difference in the three inch carpet or a three inch gutter. When you're all the way down, mister, you're all the way down, it doesn't make any difference who you are or who you think you are. This booze has a way of making an equalizer out of us. It happens to us all if we drink, if we're alcoholic.
It'll kill you just as sure as God made little green apples because we're dealing with a fatal disease. And we was laying dying. We were dying. I mean literally dying. I saw these lame cats. They'd come jump up on the bed, I'd reach out and pet them, and disappear. And that didn't bother me though. Another one take its place, and I like cats. But you know, I got up scrounging around for a drink, and I guess a drink, I don't know. But there was a clear plastic suitcase, and in there was a dead man, and he was packed in ice.
Now buddy, that scared me. I didn't want that dead man in there. So they said that I called my other sister that happens to be here tonight, and I told her that that Casey was going crazy. He's seeing cats, he's seeing dead people, everything. Not me, you see, I'm a dying and I lied on him. My sister and her husband came, and what are you going to do with a drunk? What are you going to do with two drunks? Well thanks be to God that they knew that I had been going to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and they called my friend Jim that was in the fellowship. He too had since passed away. And they told Jim the situation. Now we'd been laying in there. We hadn't eaten. We had a bucket on each side of the bed. We never hit that bucket. Just lay there and drink and sick, sick, sick. One drunk in a bed is bad, but you get two drunks in the same bed for three weeks. Now I'm telling you, that's something. Phone rang. Casey answered the phone, which we usually had off the hook, but he had the phone on the hook. Evidently Jim said, how's things going, Casey? And Casey said, my God, Jim, we're dying. We're dying. Will you help us? Will you help us, please?
Jim and my friend Juanita came. They took Casey to St. Thomas Hospital, and they took
[00:50:02]
me to Youngstown's Alcoholic Clinic. Casey and I came home on the same day. We cleaned up that bed. I wanted to know why my sister didn't get that place cleaned up. She said she wanted us to come back and see what kind of hospital it was, as if that would excite me any. Casey and I managed to get that bed cleaned up, and I'm telling you, it was really good. And then we laid down. They talked to me, and I'd heard many, many times about prayer.
I used to have my friend Julie. She used to call me at all hours of the night and talk to me about praying. I said to her, I said, Julie, I don't know how to pray. I believed in God. I told my children about God, but it wasn't a God that applied to me, and I said, I don't know how to pray. She said, just ask God to help you. And I said, well, I did. I just asked God to help me, and I started praying, and I did come to believe.
We'd whisper on the phone. You see, I didn't want Casey to hear me, because I knew he'd hear me. He'd say, well, she didn't always quit drinking. Now she's got religion. So I'd whisper when I talked to Julie. But Casey came home, and we got the bed cleaned up that day. We laid down, and he embarrassed me. Casey and I didn't talk about a lot of things in our drinking days. He said to me, he said, you know, Casey, they told me at St. Thomas Hospital that they thought prayer was essential for the recovery of the alcoholic. Now, we never talked about that kind of stuff. I said, oh, they did. I said, well, go ahead and pray. He said, you do it. I said, it's your idea. If you want to pray, go ahead.
He said, but Kay, you've had more practice at it than I have. He had been listening to me talk to Julie about prayer on the phone. My friends, that was 13 years ago, last September the 25th. My Casey and I said our first prayer together. Every night when we go to bed, we share our evening prayer. It has become a very important part of my life. I don't want to sound preachy, but I'm just telling you the way I see it. Anything I say is something that you've either told me or my feelings about it. It does not pertain to Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole. But I think that prayer is essential. I have come to have a very close, conscious contact with my God. Every morning when I get up, I ask my God to help me to be a better person today. But there's many, many times during the day that I have to ask God's help. You know, when you're as bad as I was, you need a lot of help, and I sure did. I ask God's help in the morning. I ask it many times during the day. I always thank him at night, because it's only common courtesy if you hand me a glass of water that I would say thank you. Then isn't it only common courtesy that I say to my God, thank you for another day of life? I like what my friend Ed Barnes always says. He says, God doesn't work union hours. You can call day or night. No one has to know when you're talking to God. You can go off by yourself and you don't have to worry. You can really talk to him like a friend.
You know, we're just all God's kids. None of us any worse, none of us any better, and you can just talk to your God just like you would have talked to your earthly father. I believe this, and anyway, it doesn't make any difference if you believe or if you don't. I didn't believe either, but I came to believe. I was so far down on the totem pole that I didn't have nothing to lose. I had nothing to lose, and I had everything to gain, and my friends, I have gained it. I heard an old-timer once say, and I also heard George say it last night, and I thought, oh my, he's been reading my mail, but he said, think of God as good orderly direction, or if that is too much even, put another O in God and think of good. Just be good. We know the difference between good and bad. Just be good. I give it to God a lot of
[00:55:07]
times, and I take it back, but I heard Casey say the other night, well, the longer you leave a whipping, the longer you get to keep part, you know, that he keeps part of it, so I thought that was really, really good. Casey and I started going to these AA meetings the day we came home from the hospital. The first year we were in, we didn't miss more than six meetings in the entire year. When I say meetings, I mean a meeting every night in the week, sometimes two or three meetings. We was going to save our life. We didn't want to die, and lo and behold, we found a way to live, a way to live one day at a time without drinking, a happy way to live, but we didn't do it on our own. You see, the old-timers, and thanks be to God for them, because we have a lot of them in this area, and they showed us the way. You know, our old-timers here, they don't say do this, do that. They show us how to do it. They tell us to listen. They tell us to ask a lot of questions, but to keep our eyes open. Watch the people that are staying sober and do the things that they are doing.
Casey also refers to that as walking on the shoulders of the giant, and that's exactly what we did. It seemed that they knew how desperately that we needed and wanted to stay sober. You know, there's a lot of people that need to stay sober. They're dying out there every day, and we can't help them unless they want to stay sober. There is a difference, but they knew that we wanted to stay sober, and they really gave us their all. They told me I was going to have to change my attitude. I didn't think there was anything the matter with my attitude. I would sit on a bar stool, and some old gal would come in hustling a drink, and I'd look down my nose at her, and I'd say to Casey, if she doesn't have the money to buy a drink, what's she doing here? They told me in Alcoholics Anonymous that I never look down on another human being unless I reach over to pick him up. They told me if I point a finger at you that there's three more coming back, right straight back at me. I believe these things. They told me in Alcoholics Anonymous that gossip, saying ugly things about someone is something that we never ever do. They told me that that was something we had to be very careful about. An old timer told me that you'll never hear a person in the program that is practicing the principles of the 12 steps will ever say anything ugly about another person. Someone said, oh, that isn't true. I heard a good A.A. saying something ugly about someone. Well, my friends, if you do hear what you think is a good A.A. talking ugly about somebody, get away from them. You don't need them, because in A.A. we do not talk ugly about other people. It's been too much for us out there. We best hang together. A.A. is my friend Tom Davey that is also gone. A lot of my friends have gone, you know. Of course, there's a lot more coming, taking their place. But Tommy always said, A.A. has been good to me and mine. You know, I really felt and I really feel that this is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to mankind. You know, there's something about this program of shaking hands, and I like that. I like to go around and I like to shake hands. It's a good feeling when someone reaches out their hand, the hand of love and the hand of friendship. It means I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to love you. I'm going to help you. You know, that was really wonderful as far as I'm concerned. I also heard someone say that, you know, like we teach our little children, little boys, don't cry. Well, you know, I go to a lot of conferences, and I've found that big boys do cry. We tell our little boys, you know, big men don't cry. But I see big old boys that maybe have been sober for six weeks or six months and six years.
For six weeks, or six months and six years, they go to a conference and they'll go up and put their arms around one of their friends and they'll say, My God, Jim, I love you. I love you. The feeling of the heart, the feeling of love. And, you know, we should be able to show our emotions one for another.
[01:00:10]
If good things happen to us, we should be able to tell each other about it. And if bad things happen, we should be able to share that also. A lot of things have happened to me since I've been an Alcoholics Anonymous that I didn't want to happen. I lost my brother that was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and Good Standing for six years. It hurt me real bad. I lost my dad. I lost my sister-in-law. But, you know, I didn't have to go it alone. You didn't tell me to be a big girl. Big girls don't cry.
You allowed me to cry. You allowed me to share with you. You see? And this is what we do in this program. I'm so, I'm so very, very grateful. But, you see, a lot of good things have happened to me. We've heard it said in AA that there's just a little clique down there. Well, you know, they told me in AA right early, my sponsor told me to join that clique. I know an old boy over in Barbican. He used to fool around over there. He'd come to the meeting at night.
Every night after the meeting, he'd wonder what those three or four was doing. They was always there every night after the meeting. And one night, he thought he'd stay and find out. And he's been sweeping the floor ever since. He joined the clique. He joined the clique. Mary Frances, a friend of mine here in Akron, Mary Frances H., told me once that life was a journey to be lived, not a mystery to be solved.
They told me, getting sober and being in this program, to surrender myself, just to give it up, give it up. Surrender myself to God and to you and enjoy it and that I could have happiness and I could have sobriety. And that's the things that I have found. Everything good that could happen to anyone has happened to me. Now, at the first AA meeting I ever came to, Bill Wilson, not AA meeting, Founders Day meeting, our founder, Bill W., was a speaker.
My sponsor told me to come down here and she had me to usher that night. And it so happened to be that I ushered Bill Wilson on stage. Bill kissed me. Well, our lady, now you understand I'm a new girl at the meeting, and the older women in AA, they said, Oh, how wonderful. Bill kissed you. And I didn't see nothing so great about that. I'd been kissed by better looking men than that old boy a lot of times.
Then they wanted me to bring my book and let him write in my book. And I just bought it. It was a new book. I didn't bring it to him. He didn't write in my book. I showed him, didn't I? But you know, today was a real pleasure to me, and it has been on different occasions. But today a beautiful thing happened to me. I was privileged, and any of you know exactly what I mean, to have lunch with Lois and her friend, my friend, and Sue, Dr. Bob's daughter, and her husband.
Now, if I sound like I'm bragging, I am. Lois, of course, is up here, and Sue is in the audience. She told me she'd kill me if I told her who she was, where she was. I think she said she's wearing a purple suit. No, I'm lying about that. That is what she told me, but that's not what she's wearing. But everything good has happened to me in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I like to sponsor. I do a lot of sponsoring.
To me, the greatest thing in the world is to go out and tell a girl, you don't have to die, there's a way out. Way out, tell them the way it happened to me, and take them to meetings, because you see, this saved my life. I hope to God that the day is never too dark, or the day is too dark, or something, that I don't have time for women alcoholics. I've been on the answering service down to the intergroup office.
My name's on there. As long as I'm living, as long as I'm physically able, I intend for my name to be on there, because I believe, because this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me if I work with another alcoholic, I'm not likely to take a drink. They told me to get honest with myself as never before.
[01:05:04]
They told me to be grateful that I don't have to drink anymore. They told me the first 164 pages of this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous could give me everything that I could ever, ever need. 164 pages. It sells for about $5, but if you don't have one before you get the honesty part of the program, steal one. It might save your life. This book, The Man That Is Sober One Day, where is he? He probably got tired and went home.
I wanted to give him this book, The Person That Has Been Sober One Day. But anyway, they told me these things. You know, I learned to sew. That doesn't impress you, I'm sure. I learned to crochet. I golf 18 holes every day, unless it rains, and then I get a little resentful about that. But they told me I couldn't keep a resentment, so I have to, you know, not resent too much. I do a little oil painting.
I do an awful lot of things anymore, thank God for you and Alcoholics Anonymous. Things I could never have done because I was dying. I was dying, and I've learned to do these things. I have a little, you know, there was this little girl, and she had a little cat, and she kept brushing this cat, and she kept petting it, and her friend said to her, why do you keep doing that? And she said, well, I'm going to have her a new cat show.
I said, well, there's no need for you to do that. She can't win any prizes. She says, oh, I know she can't win any prizes, but she'll meet a lot of nice cats. Well, you see, friends, that's what's happened to me since I've been in this fellowship. I haven't won any prizes, but I've sure met a lot of nice cats, a lot of nice cats. This little boy took me to, got me out of jail, took me to the hospital.
He wrote me a part of a letter when he had been in the Navy. He said, and I was sober two years, he said, number two anniversary is coming up real soon. I can never tell you how much it means to me and Kathy to know that we have the sweetest and the soberest parents in the world. You and Dad will never know how glad we are that you quit drinking. I can never explain in words. Please don't ever start again.
Last summer, my daughter and I was with some friends golfing. I don't talk about her too much, because she wasn't home at the bad part of my drinking. She had got married, I forgot to tell you, at 16. But anyway, we were out golfing, and one of her friends said, Kathy, how happened you do so many things with your mother? My daughter says, because Mama's my best friend. You beat that. A lot of people never got their children back.
They lost it all, and they didn't get it back. And thanks be to God, I didn't lose it all, and I do have their love and their respect. I owe it all to you, and I truly am grateful. They told me to take an inventory, not yours but mine, to know where I am and where I'm going. Have one thing going for me, I know what my problem is. My problem is alcohol, because I am definitely an alcoholic. And as long as I know it, I'm not liable to go out and drink again, as long as I follow the principles of the 12 steps that you have given me.
You know, we have another program, it's called Al-Anon. It's for the spouse or the friend of the alcoholic, and I think it is a wonderful program. I think that anyone that would live with an alcoholic has to be sick. Anyone that would live with a drunk has to have a problem. And I'm sure glad that they got together and fixed them up a program all of their own, and they are getting better. I see some that was in an awful shape that really is getting better.
And I'm glad for Alateen.
[01:10:00]
I'm sorry I didn't have it when my son was younger. Out of a family of eight, there's five admitted alcoholics. My two sisters are here tonight. They are members of AA. One's been sober six years, five years. The other one just celebrated her eighth birthday yesterday. My sister-in-law, Billy, she's a member. Ted. My son-in-law stays sober through going to a lot of anniversary meetings, and he has conscious contact with me.
I have a brother in the Air Force that has been sober since November. Is it hereditary? I don't know, and I don't care. Some people can't eat spaghetti, so what? I think I'm married to the nicest guy in Alcoholics Anonymous. He's a good AA man. He hadn't had a drink since the day he came in. I love him very much. We do a lot of things together. I'd ask him to stand up, but I imagine he's gone too. I don't know. Where is he?
I know I've kept you a long time, but they sure aren't going to let me do it no more, so I say might as well. I always thought this was a one-day deal, baby, until I see if they got that West Parish again tomorrow. But this is really truly a privilege. It really is. I don't have words to describe the gratitude that I feel for my people right here in Akron that know me, that let me do this. I don't have the words, but I have the love in my heart, and it's all yours.
Because you, Ann, gave me this a long time ago, and I really like this. You have given me hope instead of desperation. You have given me faith instead of despair. Courage instead of fear. Peace of mind. Baby, you can't buy that peace of mind. That's what I have today. Self-respect instead of self-contempt. You've given me self-confidence instead of helplessness. The respect of others instead of their pity.
A clean conscience instead of a sense of guilt. Real friendship instead of loneliness. A clean pattern of life. You know, we have to clean it up in every area of our life through the 12 steps. You've given me the love and the understanding of my family instead of their doubts and their fears. You've given me the freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of an alcoholic obsession. I've never seen God, but I know how I feel.
It's people like you who make him so real. My God is no stranger. He's friendly and gay. And he doesn't ask me to weep when I pray. It seems that I pass him so often each day in the faces of people I meet on my way. He's the stars in the heavens, a smile on a face, a leaf on a tree, or a rose in a vase. He's winter and autumn and summer and spring. In short, God is every real wonderful thing. I wish I might need him much more than I do.
I would if there were more people like you. Thank you for allowing me to share the most wonderful day of my life. God bless you. Thank you. Cake. That was just beautiful. I know we didn't make a mistake.
[01:15:14]
Thank you again. Kay, I'd like to have you come up here, and I'd love to give you this here little token of appreciation. Lois, would you care to say a few words, people?